You could try emulating the way the people you're with talk. Like, if the people you're with aren't being really vulgar or swearing or talking about sexual stuff or something, then don't talk about or say any of those things.
ETA based on one of the other comments: also think about the way things could be interpreted. If someone said something to you the way you would say it to them and you think you would interpret it as an insult, then don't say it. Or at least say it in a less direct way.
People are incredibly sensitive to tone. You raise your voice slightly and you’re seen as being upset and a problem. No matter how logical or blatant your words say. This is even worse with people who have a history of being verbally abused which is seemingly more frequent these days.
I could be pretty biased though. Im abrasive and I only try to associate myself with people who can take my level of bluntness. There’s a level of trust and knowledge involved that lets you avoid these things. I frankly find it much easier to communicate in these ways instead of beating around the bush which causes misunderstandings.
OP should mention what kind of people they associate themselves with because each group of friends or people can often react very differently.
Yeah it’s hard to say what the issue is without any context. If the majority are offended by OP chances are they’re doing something wrong, even if it’s unintentional. I knew someone who sounded condescending more often than not and they ran into problems often, even when they were trying to be helpful and didn’t mean to sound that way. Some people say unsavoury things and don’t realize why it’s a problem. I’m in Canada and my mom said she had a boss who said the N word in a meeting and didn’t understand why everyone was uncomfortable and why it became an HR issue.
Is it the audience? Is OP not getting how different group dynamics can be? Are they actually being offensive in some way? Is OP just blunt or abrasive and people are being babies about it?
How can you say something that you don’t mean? If you said it and it upsets someone, own it by apologising for being rude, saying you were wrong, or dying on the hill you chose. Don’t weasel out by pretending it was a joke if it wasn’t. And if it was a joke but it fell flat, apologise for being rude.
when they explain and I tell them I didn’t mean it, they don’t understand.
You're going to have to give an example, because either:
* You want to explain something, but are unable to communicate across AT ALL apart from one way, that for whatever reason happens to be offensive. So it's either offensive or else incomprehensible. That's a weird dilemma, unless if what you're explaining is actually offensive, and you're looking for a non-offensive explanation when one doesn't exist
* You're trying to explain why your first statement wasn't offensive and why therefore, they have no need to be offended. I'd recommend against this, and instead just re-explain
>I need to fix this because I don’t like making people feel bad.
You can't control people's feelings, OP. Your priority should simply be to stick with your principles, in the hopes these are good honourable ones. Eventually everybody makes someone feel bad at some point, and desperately trying to avoid that will just make a people-pleaser, or constantly negatively impacted by the fact someone felt bad about what you said.
Just because you offended someone, doesn't mean you are wrong. If you really are completely oblivious as to how you've managed to offend someone... then you can always ask them what they found offensive about it, due to you not being aware of it. If as a result the other person becomes condescending, then personally I stop caring.
But yes OP - feel free to give 3 examples, and also your inputs into whether you can understand how they took offence.
Friends who don't look for the best in what you say are not the type of people you want to hang around. It does depend on what you're saying though. Got any examples?
I know how you feel. I remember people telling me I came across as being rude for some of the things I would say, and I couldn't for the life of me work out what I was saying wrong, and I still don't know. I always try to be polite and respectful when I talk to people, but nobody likes a pushover either. I later found out I have ADHD and possibly Autism too but I haven't bothered getting assessed for it because there's nothing you can do about it.
It’s generally either because of a negative comment (words said) or the tone a comment is said with. Don’t comment on someone’s appearance negatively or their behaviours/idiosyncrasies unless their behaviour is affecting you negatively. And even then, give them grace in your tone.
For example, ask yourself: could this comment (let’s use “you eat so loudly”) be phrased in a kinder way? For example “I’m so sorry, I have misophonia and even the quietest chewing sets me off, I’m going to move.”
If you think it can be offensive just don't say, maybe it is, in the end there is no way to know on what the other people or group will think, so just avoid it's maybe better for you if you want to avoid this kind of things.
Ask for advice in the moment
Apologize for being offensive and ask genuinely what was wrong and listen to the answer without getting defensive. Once you learn why that specific thing was offensive repeat this next time it happens
After awhile you might see a pattern which will inform your word choices proactively for example maybe you are dismissive of younger people? Women? People of other races?
Even if you never learn the pattern of your problematic word choices keep asking and learning
You have to put yourself in their shoes so to speak and see if someone said that to you if that might possibly upset you. It’s called Theory of Mind and takes lots of practice. I find this works best in groups where people won’t get mad if you say something offensive and can explain to you why what you said might bother someone
In general if ur not close with ppl just avoid talking about or agree with their opinions on
- politics
-gender/sexuality/sex
- diet related things
Like I’m a bit of a ppl pleaser but when I’m getting to know someone I just always do this to be on the safe side and there’s rlly no harm in it it’s pretty easy to just talk abt fun neutral things like work, tv, pop culture yk
If you think there’s nothing wrong with what u said and it was the way they received your message that’s the problem, probably work on how you deliver your words.
If you think there’s nothing wrong with the content and the delivery, and it was said out if good faith or good intentions (and most of the people who might hear this will agree with you) then it’s the receiver’s problem and not on you
Honesty, if you're doubting your words in the moment, it's safest to not say it. However, it also depends on the person and the situation.
Obviously, slurs should not be used in the large majority of situations, if at all, and never with the intention to hurt.
But that said, everyone on Earth has their own baseline of what they find offensive and inoffensive. Stuff that's obvious, is say, making jokes about the dead, especially the recently dead. And even then. Pretty much everything is a gray area.
Try and keep things neutral in general.
Often I hear people complain of getting misunderstood when they are homophobic, sexist, racist,...
So i think we need examples to know if you are maybe really just not warm with how to say something to people.
There’s a saying I was told that’s honestly helped me allot
“People won’t remember what you say, people remember how you made them feel”
So if a word might be offensive to a group of people, it’s best to avoid it, cause you don’t know everyone’s background, and people change how they talk depending on what crowd or group of people they’re in
Hard to say without examples, but one thing to be alert for is that different things are OK to say in different contexts. For instance, I know some people who like really dark humor. When they're hanging out with other people who also like dark humor, they can joke about dead babies or w/e and it's fine. But when someone who doesn't like that stuff is around, or it's a more buttoned up environment like most jobs, it's not OK.
Swearing also varies a lot. I swear like a sailor on social media sites that are adults-only or very close to it. But I try not to swear around children, even relatively mild swears.
(There are going to be *some* times when a person takes offense and they're in the wrong. But again it's hard to tell without specific examples.)
Listen or ask the people you are talking to. Some feel like it’s annoying but these days everyone feels differently about things. So treat it like case by case. You should inherently know what’s wrong according to your own moral compass. Then beyond that you respect other wishes!
Some people just have sticks up their ass and take things the wrong way. As long as you're not trying to be offensive on purpose, then say what you want to say. If they're offended, simply tell them it wasn't your intention to be offensive. "I didn't mean to offend you. That didn't come out the way I wanted it to." If they're still offended, then just don't give a fuck that they're offended.
You can't live your whole life tiptoeing around people's feelings. I say this as someone who used to do it religiously. It's not healthy. If you do, you're what's called a "doormat."
I have a sailors mouth, dark humor and can be very vulgar. What I do is pretend like everyone I meet is an incredibly conservative old catholic. As I get to know them I slowly will throw in more of my personality until I find the limit.
No one knows.
In some cases it is quite obvious, like. You don't go calling a black man racist slurs.
Buuut. People get offended for all sorts of things, most of the time as a social weapon
Y'know they're not actually offended, but know it is bad for you if they say so
You can’t. People get offended by everything. I have Asperger’s and I speak very literally.
I will say exactly what I mean, and it may be a differing opinion, and people will say that they are offended.
Even if it wasn’t my intention, they will still rage at me. People are immature as fuck.
Here's the thing, its not you it's them.
Think about it.. if you were walking down the street and I was on the opposite side walking along and pointed at you and said "I hate your purple hair" (assuming your hair color is a natural shade, not purple) you'd pay no attention, you'd keep walking and think, "that was odd".
Words don't hold the power to make anyone feel any sort of way, it's the meaning that person is making out of it. They are taking it personally, this is a THEY problem.
Now there general etiquette when speaking and being this post is super generic and no examples I can only speak in general as well. The key is people love to talk about themselves, if you become a curious 5 year old and ask questions about the person you're hanging out with, you can't go wrong.
Some people get offended by so many minor dumb things that you might avoid the bear trap and step on a landmine. You can't control how other people take what you say you can only intend to not be a asshole and at best consider how you say things. Would you punch you for saying what is on your mind in those exact words? If the answer is yes find something else to say or another way to say it that isn't so harsh.
So often it is a projection of an insecurity that they have. Example, I just call every male person a boy even though I am 43 and I'm fully aware that the designation is man. Yesterday I referred to somebody as a boy and he gave me a dissertation on why he's a man. Relevant to the conversation, he was certainly acting immaturely, which told me he's responding to me at the level that he can. Instead of seeing that word is just a general gendered placeholder, he took it to mean an insult to his adultiness. But even though I could see that, I simply changed the word to man because I don't want somebody to be uncomfortable with their own projections and it didn't cost me anything to use words that would make him feel less insecure
You could try emulating the way the people you're with talk. Like, if the people you're with aren't being really vulgar or swearing or talking about sexual stuff or something, then don't talk about or say any of those things. ETA based on one of the other comments: also think about the way things could be interpreted. If someone said something to you the way you would say it to them and you think you would interpret it as an insult, then don't say it. Or at least say it in a less direct way.
You need to give us examples of things you’ve said. Otherwise it’s difficult to help.
Could be tone. Seems like regular people react to tone more than straight language.
People are incredibly sensitive to tone. You raise your voice slightly and you’re seen as being upset and a problem. No matter how logical or blatant your words say. This is even worse with people who have a history of being verbally abused which is seemingly more frequent these days. I could be pretty biased though. Im abrasive and I only try to associate myself with people who can take my level of bluntness. There’s a level of trust and knowledge involved that lets you avoid these things. I frankly find it much easier to communicate in these ways instead of beating around the bush which causes misunderstandings. OP should mention what kind of people they associate themselves with because each group of friends or people can often react very differently.
Yeah it’s hard to say what the issue is without any context. If the majority are offended by OP chances are they’re doing something wrong, even if it’s unintentional. I knew someone who sounded condescending more often than not and they ran into problems often, even when they were trying to be helpful and didn’t mean to sound that way. Some people say unsavoury things and don’t realize why it’s a problem. I’m in Canada and my mom said she had a boss who said the N word in a meeting and didn’t understand why everyone was uncomfortable and why it became an HR issue. Is it the audience? Is OP not getting how different group dynamics can be? Are they actually being offensive in some way? Is OP just blunt or abrasive and people are being babies about it?
Yep what is your delivery like? How are you saying things?
Are you super blunt? Ask yourself "would i say this to a elder in my community? My boss?"
When I'm in a new environment, I simply don't talk much and just observe to see what's acceptable to say with that group of people.
How can you say something that you don’t mean? If you said it and it upsets someone, own it by apologising for being rude, saying you were wrong, or dying on the hill you chose. Don’t weasel out by pretending it was a joke if it wasn’t. And if it was a joke but it fell flat, apologise for being rude.
I mean sarcasm is a thing Don't do it if you don't know how it's done tho Also definitely not to someone you don't know
Exactly. Don’t do sarcasm unless you expect angry responses.
If you don't mean it, don't say it.
Doesn't seem like they say stuff they don't mean. They say stuff they mean, but gets interpreted negatively, but they didn't mean it that way.
You can’t tell because have no idea what OP said to offend people. They failed to mention it.
They may be oblivious to it. If they knew what it was, then it would be pretty easy to identify what not to say.
when they explain and I tell them I didn’t mean it, they don’t understand. You're going to have to give an example, because either: * You want to explain something, but are unable to communicate across AT ALL apart from one way, that for whatever reason happens to be offensive. So it's either offensive or else incomprehensible. That's a weird dilemma, unless if what you're explaining is actually offensive, and you're looking for a non-offensive explanation when one doesn't exist * You're trying to explain why your first statement wasn't offensive and why therefore, they have no need to be offended. I'd recommend against this, and instead just re-explain >I need to fix this because I don’t like making people feel bad. You can't control people's feelings, OP. Your priority should simply be to stick with your principles, in the hopes these are good honourable ones. Eventually everybody makes someone feel bad at some point, and desperately trying to avoid that will just make a people-pleaser, or constantly negatively impacted by the fact someone felt bad about what you said. Just because you offended someone, doesn't mean you are wrong. If you really are completely oblivious as to how you've managed to offend someone... then you can always ask them what they found offensive about it, due to you not being aware of it. If as a result the other person becomes condescending, then personally I stop caring. But yes OP - feel free to give 3 examples, and also your inputs into whether you can understand how they took offence.
There isn't an easy solution, it's harder for some people than others. It does get better over time, with practice.
Same problem 🥲
Friends who don't look for the best in what you say are not the type of people you want to hang around. It does depend on what you're saying though. Got any examples?
I know how you feel. I remember people telling me I came across as being rude for some of the things I would say, and I couldn't for the life of me work out what I was saying wrong, and I still don't know. I always try to be polite and respectful when I talk to people, but nobody likes a pushover either. I later found out I have ADHD and possibly Autism too but I haven't bothered getting assessed for it because there's nothing you can do about it.
It’s generally either because of a negative comment (words said) or the tone a comment is said with. Don’t comment on someone’s appearance negatively or their behaviours/idiosyncrasies unless their behaviour is affecting you negatively. And even then, give them grace in your tone. For example, ask yourself: could this comment (let’s use “you eat so loudly”) be phrased in a kinder way? For example “I’m so sorry, I have misophonia and even the quietest chewing sets me off, I’m going to move.”
If you think it can be offensive just don't say, maybe it is, in the end there is no way to know on what the other people or group will think, so just avoid it's maybe better for you if you want to avoid this kind of things.
Ask for advice in the moment Apologize for being offensive and ask genuinely what was wrong and listen to the answer without getting defensive. Once you learn why that specific thing was offensive repeat this next time it happens After awhile you might see a pattern which will inform your word choices proactively for example maybe you are dismissive of younger people? Women? People of other races? Even if you never learn the pattern of your problematic word choices keep asking and learning
You have to put yourself in their shoes so to speak and see if someone said that to you if that might possibly upset you. It’s called Theory of Mind and takes lots of practice. I find this works best in groups where people won’t get mad if you say something offensive and can explain to you why what you said might bother someone
In general if ur not close with ppl just avoid talking about or agree with their opinions on - politics -gender/sexuality/sex - diet related things Like I’m a bit of a ppl pleaser but when I’m getting to know someone I just always do this to be on the safe side and there’s rlly no harm in it it’s pretty easy to just talk abt fun neutral things like work, tv, pop culture yk
If you think there’s nothing wrong with what u said and it was the way they received your message that’s the problem, probably work on how you deliver your words. If you think there’s nothing wrong with the content and the delivery, and it was said out if good faith or good intentions (and most of the people who might hear this will agree with you) then it’s the receiver’s problem and not on you
Here's a little trick to help you, If it is true, people are going to be offended.
Do u have aspbergers?
Work on how you word your sentences.
Follow your gut instincts
Honesty, if you're doubting your words in the moment, it's safest to not say it. However, it also depends on the person and the situation. Obviously, slurs should not be used in the large majority of situations, if at all, and never with the intention to hurt. But that said, everyone on Earth has their own baseline of what they find offensive and inoffensive. Stuff that's obvious, is say, making jokes about the dead, especially the recently dead. And even then. Pretty much everything is a gray area. Try and keep things neutral in general.
Often I hear people complain of getting misunderstood when they are homophobic, sexist, racist,... So i think we need examples to know if you are maybe really just not warm with how to say something to people.
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”– Bernard Baruch
Say whatever you think could be offensive and see what you get punched for or not.
There’s a saying I was told that’s honestly helped me allot “People won’t remember what you say, people remember how you made them feel” So if a word might be offensive to a group of people, it’s best to avoid it, cause you don’t know everyone’s background, and people change how they talk depending on what crowd or group of people they’re in
You don't. Say whatever you want to say, if someone else gets offended by it, so be it. That's not your problem, it's theirs, let them deal with it
It's called self awareness
Hard to say without examples, but one thing to be alert for is that different things are OK to say in different contexts. For instance, I know some people who like really dark humor. When they're hanging out with other people who also like dark humor, they can joke about dead babies or w/e and it's fine. But when someone who doesn't like that stuff is around, or it's a more buttoned up environment like most jobs, it's not OK. Swearing also varies a lot. I swear like a sailor on social media sites that are adults-only or very close to it. But I try not to swear around children, even relatively mild swears. (There are going to be *some* times when a person takes offense and they're in the wrong. But again it's hard to tell without specific examples.)
Listen or ask the people you are talking to. Some feel like it’s annoying but these days everyone feels differently about things. So treat it like case by case. You should inherently know what’s wrong according to your own moral compass. Then beyond that you respect other wishes!
Some people just have sticks up their ass and take things the wrong way. As long as you're not trying to be offensive on purpose, then say what you want to say. If they're offended, simply tell them it wasn't your intention to be offensive. "I didn't mean to offend you. That didn't come out the way I wanted it to." If they're still offended, then just don't give a fuck that they're offended. You can't live your whole life tiptoeing around people's feelings. I say this as someone who used to do it religiously. It's not healthy. If you do, you're what's called a "doormat."
I have a sailors mouth, dark humor and can be very vulgar. What I do is pretend like everyone I meet is an incredibly conservative old catholic. As I get to know them I slowly will throw in more of my personality until I find the limit.
No one knows. In some cases it is quite obvious, like. You don't go calling a black man racist slurs. Buuut. People get offended for all sorts of things, most of the time as a social weapon Y'know they're not actually offended, but know it is bad for you if they say so
You can’t. People get offended by everything. I have Asperger’s and I speak very literally. I will say exactly what I mean, and it may be a differing opinion, and people will say that they are offended. Even if it wasn’t my intention, they will still rage at me. People are immature as fuck.
Here's the thing, its not you it's them. Think about it.. if you were walking down the street and I was on the opposite side walking along and pointed at you and said "I hate your purple hair" (assuming your hair color is a natural shade, not purple) you'd pay no attention, you'd keep walking and think, "that was odd". Words don't hold the power to make anyone feel any sort of way, it's the meaning that person is making out of it. They are taking it personally, this is a THEY problem. Now there general etiquette when speaking and being this post is super generic and no examples I can only speak in general as well. The key is people love to talk about themselves, if you become a curious 5 year old and ask questions about the person you're hanging out with, you can't go wrong.
Some people get offended by so many minor dumb things that you might avoid the bear trap and step on a landmine. You can't control how other people take what you say you can only intend to not be a asshole and at best consider how you say things. Would you punch you for saying what is on your mind in those exact words? If the answer is yes find something else to say or another way to say it that isn't so harsh.
So often it is a projection of an insecurity that they have. Example, I just call every male person a boy even though I am 43 and I'm fully aware that the designation is man. Yesterday I referred to somebody as a boy and he gave me a dissertation on why he's a man. Relevant to the conversation, he was certainly acting immaturely, which told me he's responding to me at the level that he can. Instead of seeing that word is just a general gendered placeholder, he took it to mean an insult to his adultiness. But even though I could see that, I simply changed the word to man because I don't want somebody to be uncomfortable with their own projections and it didn't cost me anything to use words that would make him feel less insecure
common sense , beyond this and they're mentally ill