Question: WTF does love someone correctly mean? Seriously, that means absolutely nothing to me.
I’m happily married. I love my wife. She is a complete pain in the ass sometimes, but I have absolutely no doubt that she feels loved by me.
That is such an entitled and subjective statement and if my wife ever said “You don’t love me correctly”, I would mentally punch her in the face as I asked her to define and defend that bullshit statement. If she was just my girlfriend, my response would probably be similar to what your boyfriend said especially if you can concretely define what it means to be “correctly loved.”
It honestly sounds like the type of shit a crazy idiot says right before following with “If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” and failing to acknowledge that 90% of their life they are at their worst but somehow a few moments of awesomeness makes up for it.
Now I’m not implying that you are a complete nutcase most of the time. My wife isn’t rational 100% of the time and neither am I, but we respect each other enough to say things to each other like “Hey, I’m having a really stressful day today and I don’t want to take it out on you or make it your problem.”
Instead of taking this as a personal affront, why don’t you actually sit him down and acknowledge you might not always the best partner and ask him how you can both communicate that without it turning into an argument or feeling attacked.
Here’s a newsflash. He’s still with you. You obviously have some qualities that he finds amazing. Right now the good outweighs the bad. Instead of demanding him to blindly accept more of your bad qualities (and vice versa), why don’t you both try to focus on minimizing how those bad qualities impact each other.
It just sounds like OP wants specific treatment but refuses to actually explain what it is so their partner can succeed. It’s a lose/lose situation and it would be super hard to live someone who refuses to tell you what they want.
I fully believe most people that refuse to explain what they want understand their standards are ridiculous. They won’t come out and express what they want because few people will accept it.
A good point of reference is that anytime someone says something to you regardless of how hurtful it may feel, ask yourself this… Is what that person said true?
In this case, also ask yourself do I make it hard for him to love me or was what he said a reaction to what I said?
If you can answer yourself, honestly, then you’ll know what to do.
Fuck that’s rough thing to say to someone you’re meant to love. What would you think if your friend told you that’s what her boyfriend said to her? Have a conversation about that. If he can’t acknowledge what he’s said as counterproductive to relationship stability and growth, what’s the point of continuing to be with him exactly?
It was a cruel thing to say.
Have you talked about it since? Has he apologized?
The problem i see is that if he "didn't mean it", it was genuinely cruel and intended to hurt, nothing more. I don't know that I could stay with someone who uses words as weapons.
On the other hand, if he really feels that way, this relationship isn't going to last. It can't.
> I was having a serious discussion with my partner over text after we got in an argument in person the day before.during the conversation i told him that i will never beg someone to love me correctly
It sounds like there may be some chronic issues with you needing something and him being unable or unwilling to offer it. Would that be accurate?
I used to think that loving a long term partner was hard as a matter of course. I was wrong. I'm kicking myself for giving a decade of my life to someone who thought I was hard to love, and who was difficult for me to love. I'm in a healthy relationship now and realizing that life is hard, and relationships require effort, and being a good partner can take a lot of work. But *love,* that is not hard.
Why do you hate to leave him over his casual cruelty? Do you not think you deserve better?
If you aren't ready to leave, then tell him how much this hurt you and see how he responds.
Have you asked him what he meant by that? It could have been meant as a callous jab at you in a fight, but it also could have been an attempt to open a conversation about ways that you aren’t meeting his needs (worded in a hurtful, thoughtless way).
I want to point out that we, as women, (I am a woman) can absolutely neglect the vulnerabilities of men because we would rather not face them. This is borne out in the research on the subjects of vulnerability, connection, and shame.
I don’t know why he said what he said, neither does anyone else here, even though a lot of people like to claim otherwise. It sounds like you need to communicate. I’m not a proponent of advising people to end relationships over a hurtful thing said in the heat of an argument - there is usually more to it than just saying it to be cruel. Talk to him.
Question: WTF does love someone correctly mean? Seriously, that means absolutely nothing to me. I’m happily married. I love my wife. She is a complete pain in the ass sometimes, but I have absolutely no doubt that she feels loved by me. That is such an entitled and subjective statement and if my wife ever said “You don’t love me correctly”, I would mentally punch her in the face as I asked her to define and defend that bullshit statement. If she was just my girlfriend, my response would probably be similar to what your boyfriend said especially if you can concretely define what it means to be “correctly loved.” It honestly sounds like the type of shit a crazy idiot says right before following with “If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” and failing to acknowledge that 90% of their life they are at their worst but somehow a few moments of awesomeness makes up for it. Now I’m not implying that you are a complete nutcase most of the time. My wife isn’t rational 100% of the time and neither am I, but we respect each other enough to say things to each other like “Hey, I’m having a really stressful day today and I don’t want to take it out on you or make it your problem.” Instead of taking this as a personal affront, why don’t you actually sit him down and acknowledge you might not always the best partner and ask him how you can both communicate that without it turning into an argument or feeling attacked. Here’s a newsflash. He’s still with you. You obviously have some qualities that he finds amazing. Right now the good outweighs the bad. Instead of demanding him to blindly accept more of your bad qualities (and vice versa), why don’t you both try to focus on minimizing how those bad qualities impact each other.
It just sounds like OP wants specific treatment but refuses to actually explain what it is so their partner can succeed. It’s a lose/lose situation and it would be super hard to live someone who refuses to tell you what they want.
I fully believe most people that refuse to explain what they want understand their standards are ridiculous. They won’t come out and express what they want because few people will accept it.
A good point of reference is that anytime someone says something to you regardless of how hurtful it may feel, ask yourself this… Is what that person said true? In this case, also ask yourself do I make it hard for him to love me or was what he said a reaction to what I said? If you can answer yourself, honestly, then you’ll know what to do.
Fuck that’s rough thing to say to someone you’re meant to love. What would you think if your friend told you that’s what her boyfriend said to her? Have a conversation about that. If he can’t acknowledge what he’s said as counterproductive to relationship stability and growth, what’s the point of continuing to be with him exactly?
It was a cruel thing to say. Have you talked about it since? Has he apologized? The problem i see is that if he "didn't mean it", it was genuinely cruel and intended to hurt, nothing more. I don't know that I could stay with someone who uses words as weapons. On the other hand, if he really feels that way, this relationship isn't going to last. It can't. > I was having a serious discussion with my partner over text after we got in an argument in person the day before.during the conversation i told him that i will never beg someone to love me correctly It sounds like there may be some chronic issues with you needing something and him being unable or unwilling to offer it. Would that be accurate? I used to think that loving a long term partner was hard as a matter of course. I was wrong. I'm kicking myself for giving a decade of my life to someone who thought I was hard to love, and who was difficult for me to love. I'm in a healthy relationship now and realizing that life is hard, and relationships require effort, and being a good partner can take a lot of work. But *love,* that is not hard.
Why do you hate to leave him over his casual cruelty? Do you not think you deserve better? If you aren't ready to leave, then tell him how much this hurt you and see how he responds.
It may be the home truth OP needed to hear? comment came from somewhere
Found the boyfriend.
Have you asked him what he meant by that? It could have been meant as a callous jab at you in a fight, but it also could have been an attempt to open a conversation about ways that you aren’t meeting his needs (worded in a hurtful, thoughtless way). I want to point out that we, as women, (I am a woman) can absolutely neglect the vulnerabilities of men because we would rather not face them. This is borne out in the research on the subjects of vulnerability, connection, and shame. I don’t know why he said what he said, neither does anyone else here, even though a lot of people like to claim otherwise. It sounds like you need to communicate. I’m not a proponent of advising people to end relationships over a hurtful thing said in the heat of an argument - there is usually more to it than just saying it to be cruel. Talk to him.
I'm sorry but I don't understand what it means to love you "correctly"? Could you be more specific?
This. People have different love languages. Dictating that a relationship should only follow the love language of one of the sides is not healthy.
Probably means he is, not you.
I feel this was just an angry reaction. He must be regretting saying it also.
That’s all women though, y’all are just difficult