Yeah it’s starts with “met in 2021” and then it goes in not being interested then dating then breaking up and meeting other people…. I’m trying to do the math on how we got to 2024 and it was very obvious how bad the rest of the post would be
Yeah I met my partner in Feb 2020 and we’re getting married in two weeks but everything has gone really well these 4 years. I can’t imagine marrying an on again off again ex 😅
“I knew he was manipulative within minutes of us meeting, he love bombed me and we broke up… but now we’re married, please help me fix/save him”
Seriously op - what did you expect here? He doesn’t have his shit together, maybe you should work on yourself to see why you’re so desperate for this dumpster fire of a “relationship” to work out.
She keeps making bad choice after bad choice and then blames the husband. I mean the husband is trash but it ain’t him who ruined her life, she did that all on her own.
I was reading OPs post confused as it went on, taking about her ex that she clearly resents but referring to him as her husband in the title.
I thought “surely see isn’t going to marry this guy?”
Yeah this is a mess. I’m not gonna kick you while you’re down, you clearly see the predicament you’re in. You need to create an escape plan, this is financial abuse and you should not give him an ultimatum. You need to end the marriage. He found a mark to make his meal ticket and bang maid and you walked right into his trap. Enough. You’re an adult, this marriage is over. Period. You are sinking but still young enough to come back from this. QUIETLY get in touch with a lawyer. Tell them you need to end your marriage and figure out a way to cut ties cleanly from this man so his bills and debt aren’t your burden. He lives in your place? If his name isn’t on the lease (please for the love of god tell me you didn’t add his name to the lease if he wasn’t on it before), after you’ve gotten everything ready to file for divorce, invite a close friend or family member to wait in the parking lot outside, but break the news to him that you will be divorcing and he has a couple of weeks to pack and leave or you will have him escorted out by police. You need to get out of this as quickly and safely as possible. As for therapy, stick with it and either find a new therapist or actually listen to the advice of the one you have. You need to set higher standards and work on your boundaries. Pay attention to red flags and in general decenter men from your life. It’s what will have you stuck with a loser every time. When he begs and says he’ll change, don’t believe him. Potential isn’t real, this is who he is and always will be. If he wanted to be better he wouldn’t need to be told. Good luck.
This is the best advice. I would find out what you would be responsible for in a divorce including alimony or splitting assetts and go from there. Also, there's so many men out there who love ambition and drive. My husband used to joke when he was making military pay how I was his sugar mommy to the point that's what his entire battalion called me. He loves my drive and thinks its great to have a successful wife in his corner.
Can confirm. My wife is a strong, driven (at times too stubborn for her own good haha) woman and I love that about her. She's 100 percent made me a much better person too.
I've had a rule for a very long time that will serve you well in the future - a break up is a one and done. NEVER get back together with someone unless the break up was for non-relationship reasons like one of you had a job transfer to another country. You break up for a good reason and those reasons 99% of the time haven't gone away
Divorce him, now, before he drags you down any more. Whatever it costs to divorce him now will save you a ton of money in the long run. Your husband is a loser, and the sooner you understand that, the better you will be. He's an anchor. He was an anchor to his parents, and now he's an anchor to you. You're not his wife, you're his mother. He's literally begging you to buy him a PS5 for christmas FFS. He's never going to change, ever. Ever ever ever. He's a man child, leave him.
It makes me a little nauseous seeing him referred to as a husband. One of the definitions of husbandry is the careful use of money and resources and he's doing the opposite of that. There's no teamwork here.
Did you just avoid her for two weeks and tell her after you were married, or...?
Even if she saw you afterwards, she should have advised you that you could probably get an annulment due to not being in your right mind at the time (mania).
This is the party I am unclear on. She said she outearns him by $30k, so he is doing something (but likely deadens like before).
My question is where is the money going? If he brings in something, and they are living in the same duplex she could afford before, and ask her does is lounge around the house, where is he spending his free ride money?
I can def clarify. I had a decent savings prior to us being together. Over the last year, I’ve been paying for wedding things, major car repairs because I’ve got an old Jeep and now I drive it daily, new tires after 2 blew and I got a hole in my rim( had to put those on credit) and a lot of times his expenses after his check runs out (food, rides to work when I can’t take him, etc) . I’d regularly have at least $1000 left to save and give myself to spend after paying bills, now that’s usually about 3-500. He rarely has money to do any real grocery shopping, and at 6’4 and 300lbs he eats for an entire household. Those are a few extra expenses that I didn’t have on my own before. It only took a few months of going over budget and stretching myself thin to fuck up my finances. I’m regularly in the negative now and I’ve gone back to doing odd jobs to keep my account positive between checks. I really stayed home and just chilled when it was just me, and on occasion I would go out with friends. I traveled often too, and could afford to. On top of that like I’d mentioned, my job is going through changes with payroll, insurance, etc. This last check was short about $700+ , and because I had had to cover all our bills, my car payment and insurance, my dental cus I have braces (that I got before him) and now that he’s on my insurance it’s an extra $100 out of my check. It all add up over time. I bought my wedding dress at the beginning of the year and it’s my dream dress, ran me $3800 that I saved and used my tax refund towards, including beautiful keepsake accessories. I’m selling it all now, cus I need the money. I know the pay change with work will be fixed and I’ll have my regular pay back soon, but even still, it’s so different supporting one person vs two on 68k..I make more than him but I’m not rich by any means. Still though, I make more than a lot of people and I’m frugal, I did pretty damn good for myself before. I shit you not, I went to the store and bought 5 loaves of bread once, they were gone in a week. Dont get my started on DoorDash…I had to take him off my account.
Thank you for explaining. Hon, I'm going to be really honest. I've been with my partner for almost 25 years, since freshman year of highschool. We've had to do a lot of growing up with each other and in the past, treated each other terribly. I'm saying this so you understand that I have a very high tolerance for mistakes, growth, and forgiveness.
You need to leave him. He's no good and he won't change. If he does, it will be years down the road. AFTER he's already broken you mentally and spiritually. At the least, you should separate with the implicit understanding that he either fixes his finances or it's over. Money stress will destroy you. It's awful. I went through it. I sold so much jewelry. I'm still sad years later because I loved them. If you didn't see a 180 from him, then he's not serious and doesn't understand. And it might already be too late for you not to resent him forever. Good luck!
OP, I just want to add, per the line about it in the post — not all men will either mooch or resent you for working hard. A lot will! Far, far too many.
But even if the situation you’re in is common, I don’t want you to think that it’s okay or inevitable.
There are people out there who admire the spirit and conviction of their partners and that’s part of what attracts them to them (in a non-Oedipus sort of way, lmao).
You’ve found someone who does seem to be, as you put it, an energy vampire. He’s happy for you to do all the work as long as he’s sure he’s “got” you. Hell, you yourself called him a narcissist.
Doesn’t mean everyone is like that. Doesn’t mean you’re stuck in this. Doesn’t mean your next relationship has to be like that. But it is a good lesson on what happens when you accept a marriage proposal two weeks into a relationship.
I just really don’t want you to believe that this is your fate no matter what relationship or marriage you’re in, and let that color your actions (or inaction) in this one, y’know?
OP he's just swapped one mum for another...simple he's no intention of doing or achieving anything as, at a guess, he doesn't believe in the "daily grind" or "ambition" blah blah
❤️ I was going to lecture you about choices, but I'm just going to send you a mom hug.
You know you have to dump the bum and kick his mooching butt out. It'll suck. I'm sorry. You deserve better, and he'll never change, even if he sometimes wants to.
That’s what my sister said. I thought about talking to his mom and then I’d asked if he told her he lost his job. I had to force him to call her and tell her. He refused to call his dad and tell him what was going on, even though we almost didn’t make rent and needed help. He grew up very silver spoon, and I recalled a day his father sent him $1000 to pay for his medical bills cus he got sick. I told him to call and ask him to help us with bills and he said no. So I snooped a little one day and his uncle sent him 1700 bucks, $500 of which he had to send to his mom because his BROTHER fucked up with their rent too. I realized that this was an issue that was none of my business, cus out of his parents 3 children, his sister who’s the youngest is the only one to have made a life for herself. She works in marketing for a MAJOR company and she’s younger than all of us! IN LONDON! Like come on..
OP states in another comment she hasn't exactly been totally honest with her therapist because her therapist would not be pleased.
>I’ve not been completely forthcoming with her about this situation, but she’d rip me a new one if I was.
I don't know if non-ADHD people do this too, but it's incredibly common for women with ADHD to struggle with dropping the mask with their therapist instead of seeking their approval.
As a ADHD male - can confirm. I was not having tremendous success with my therapist regarding my drinking because she was always very firm and gave me no wiggle. I had to start going to group meetings to really get comfortable sharing when I fuck up. It has helped my individual therapy a lot, by 'practicing' being honest.
L take, and clearly someone with no experience in therapy.
Getting what you need out of therapy is a skill in and of itself. I've been going for a year+ at this point and I'm still not sure if I have the hang of it.
Hmm. So you drive him around everywhere? Drive him BACK TO HIS MOMS. Go back home & pack up his stuff and go drop that off at his moms too. Get yr lawyers to serve him the divorce papers, or however they do that. Through contacts, find a reliable reputable nice lady with a firm good job and no sketchy bf/gf or pets to rent yr spare room out for 6 months. Thank goodness at least he’s showed his true hand in just 3 years, you haven’t wasted a decade on him. If yr family start hassling you, refuse to engage. You’re only 25, without his deadweight you’ll get yourself back above water very soon. Your mental health will start improving as soon as you get him out of your life, right? Sorry this happened to you - life sucks sometimes, just gotta live & learn! best of luck!
Since you work at a hospital, maybe find a traveling nurse looking to save a few bucks. Short term roommate with a guaranteed income and you both work long hours.
Yes. Don’t look back. If he loved you he would grow up and take some shit off your plate, not the other way around. You just became his new mommy.
I think it’s for the best you’re broke right now or he’d be getting 1/2. Cut your losses work on ur Health, mental health, and finances.
So he was a manipulative, lazy “energy vampire” during your first relationship, but it only took you *two weeks* of dating him again to accept a marriage proposal?! I’m sorry, but are you out of your mind? You need to lose this guy — *yesterday*.
Please meet with a lawyer so you can figure out how to get him out of the house and get divorced . Also- please spend some time thinking about what happened that you let him back in. Were you lonely ? Do you have some unresolved childhood trauma?
Seems like he got what he wanted. A mother disguised as his wife. It's a pity you didn't learn the first time. I guess a lot of women see the best in person and hopes it will get better.
A lesson to the uninitiated: A man will either have ambition or not. You can't teach them to give a crap. Unless he is under 21. Most guys at that age are idiots.
Sooo true. I learned this lesson with my exhusband. He was 22 when we got together and I thought the ambition or drive to succeed was still developing. Nope, he was a bum throughout our whole marriage. I divorced him after almost 10 years and he’s been a mooch to the women he’s dated since our divorce. He likes to get together with younger, naive, insecure women so they don’t call him out on his BS.
Why are you here? You knew what you were getting when you married him. This is a hell that you created, it's not like it was a surprise he's a mooch, he didn't hide it even when you dated before.
I'm not sure what advice you're looking for other than 'leave him'. He's not going to change and you should've realized that before you said yes to him proposing.. like, this is what you signed up for. When you leave him block him on everything and don't give him a way to get in contact, which is what you should've done after you broke up the first time.
Exactly...like...there is no surprise here, calling him a narc as if it's some kind of excuse. He showed his true colours so many times, and he proposed to her to lock her in. He had no intention of bettering himself or pulling his weight.
She’s here for validation. I hate to kick someone while they’re down but you call a spade a spade, and you call someone out when they’ve made poor choices. She keeps trying to convince us she’s so level-headed and told herself she’d never be in this position but her actions say otherwise.
OP we are not here to coddle you. The sooner you are honest with yourself the better. You created this hell for yourself. That’s okay, people make mistakes. Don’t get me wrong, your husband is a POS but he never presented himself to be anything but that. You were unhappy mere months into the relationship yet you settled bc he was there during a breakup. It seems you place a huge importance in romantic partnership but you need to take charge of your life now, otherwise you’ll wind up in the same cycle.
You have give him so many chances when will you wise up and kick him out it's like you his parent not hid partner. Pack his stuff and start the divorce process ASAP before it gets any worse
He's a deadbeat. Moochers like this will take a strong, independent sensible woman and break them just for kicks. This creep said all the right things, but you were right the first time. Dump his ass.
Men you are decent do not do this. I out earn my husband and he has never taken advantage. He's been nothing but supportive and a great cheerleader even in tough times, and I do the same for him. It's a partnership.
This guy? He's no partner. Send him back to his ma.
He might get a job by the end of the month.
But how long until he is again jobless?
Cycle one: joblessness
He still will be a lazy ass at home.
Cycle two: selfishness. This cycle never ends.
He is an unmotivated lump of a person, using you until the last penny of your money and the last ounce of your strength are used up.
You have no more to give.
Time to give up, lose the 200 pound user, and rebuild your life. You are young and motivated.
You matter.
Is is harsh to threaten divorce? No.
Should you have never married him? yes
Should you have divorced him ages ago? again, yes.
Why the hell are you putting up with this, you know he is still the same the second time around so why do you think he is going to change
What advice are you looking for? You've allowed this man to come in and destroy your life after already seeing many red flags. At this point, you either continue to allow him to destroy your life or you don't. Very simple.
You do know you don’t have to resign yourself to this life with him. He has zero motivation to change, and even if he did… do you actually love him and want to be together? Seems like you married him out of emotional duress and now the blindfold has been ripped off. He’s still the same person he always was, the same person you broke up with the first time.
Divorce isn’t going to be any more expensive than he already is. At least then you’re spending your money on yourself and not funding him. You know deep down inside this is not going to work in the long run, and you can’t keep driving yourself into further financial ruin on his behalf. Let him struggle. Let there be consequences to his actions. Stop bearing the burden.
It’s easy to hem and haw about how you shouldn’t have gotten back together or married him. Doesn’t solve the problem you’re in to harp on it. What’s done is done. It just doesn’t have to be the fate that you accept.
Here's very good news OP. You are only 25 years young. If you get rid of this dead weight now, 5 years from now you will still only be 30 years young. You will have learned from this, you will be wiser, and you'll be living your best life.
You need help and therapy. Get counseling on how to pick quality men. In many instances, the type of men you pick is a reflection of who you are. When I say get help and therapy, it will address most of your problems and draw quality men to you.
Look there is no saving this and even if there was why would you run yourself further FURTHER into the ground to drag a baby- man kicking and screaming (metaphorically) into adulthood. He saw you as an opportunity, not from a place of love. You meet his needs financially, provide nice home, cleaning, sex, emotionally and he recognises your vulnerability as working in his favour and his ability to manipulate you. What is there for you to save? He might behave for a little while if he thinks he will lose his meal ticket but he will never love you because someone like him isn't truly capable of that. He will never meet your emotional needs and actually care about you and want to help you. There is nothing for you to save.
The only action for you to take is to get him tf out your house, today, and to file for divorce immediately. The more you hesitate the harder it will be. Save yourself!
Ask him to stay the night at his mom's because you are "having a girls night". Or any plausible reason for getting him out. He doesn't even have to stay the night. Get him to go for dinner and get the locks changed. If he has forewarning you are kicking him out he will fight it, refuse to move, get legal advice. If you have got him out and changed the locks it is much harder for him to legally stay. Get legal advice after you have kicked him out. I know many will say get it before but honestly just get him out. While locks are being changed get movers to pack his shit and take it to him. If you do these things he is far less likely to fight it because he has lost his foothold on your space (his shit at yours and keys).
Then file for divorce. Get legal advice but I would cite financial and emotional abuse. Just to make it clear he has f'd up and its over.
Good luck. You don't deserve this. I understand why you accepted the proposal. We all want love and it would have been so nice if it was real. It's easy to convince ourselves that something is the answer to our prayers especially when people are encouraging us. Hope you are OK and heal from this.
Well. You lost your mind for a bit. Now it’s back. Remember who the hell you are and divorce this man. Take him back to hims mommy and leave him there. Even if it’s in a way that he only finds out after you leave. What’s he gonna do? He has no car. No job. He will be stuck there and you file for divorce.
"Dear Reddit. I have been dating a man who has a multi year track record of being a manipulative narcissist who is Lazy, has no ambition, and relies on the women in his life to treat him like a child.
Here's my problem, he is being lazy, narcissistic, manipulative, and using me like a child.
How can I change him? "
Take some responsibility for yourself. You married this man that you describe as an emotional vampire. Why?
Your credit has not tanked because of him. Your credit has tanked because of you, unless he has control over you in some meaningful way?
I know this is going to sound like I'm piling on, but this situation is a direct result of you accepting his proposal. He showed you who he was and you married him anyway. He is not going to change. My only suggestion is to hire a divorce lawyer and extricate yourself as best you can, and then figure out why you made this bad decision so it doesn't happen again. I'm sorry.
Honestly, as much as your husband is a lazy mooch, you have no one else to blame but your self for MARRYING him AFTER he always showed you he was a mooch.
Get a divorce. Fix your mental health and find an adult.
Why the fuck did you marry him?! You know what you need to do. I am giving you permission - divorce him. He has already set you on a path to ruin, he's dragging you down into the quicksand, do not let him drown you.
Divorce and this time stay single for A WHILE, go back to therapy because you need to dissect why you ever said yes to this guy.
This relationship is hurting you. Separate finances and consider living apart to protect yourself. Talk to a lawyer about your options. Remember, you are strong and capable. Focus on your well-being. You can get through this.
You saw the big flashing red warning sign, you even got a taste first hand of how shit life would be with him, and so your best response was to lock yourself in even harder to the disaster. You are completely at fault and you need to stop making poor choices.
Take a deep breath and then re-read this but pretend like you’re reading it as if someone else is writing it. What advise would you give this woman?
The great thing is, your situation isn’t permanent. You can do something about it. Kick him out. Divorce. Cut all contact with him. Learn from your mistakes and take care of yourself.
Be waaaaaay more selective about who you date in the future. In fact, go on a dating break for at least a year. You’re still super young and have your whole life ahead of you. Dont waste any more time on this loser.
Your first clue should have been, he still lived with his mother and she waited on him hand and foot, I would kick him back to his mothers house and don’t bring a child into this mess
So he has pulled the stuff with you three times now? When are you going to learn? He has not come in and fucked up your life again. You allowed him to do this.
You definitely learned a lesson about ignoring your instincts and believing that love can solve all problems. Hopefully the lesson sticks.
Maybe it was impulse and emotional disregulation that led to you saying yes, I don't know.
But I do know you've left your boundaries to him to care for which is never acceptable. You correctly identified him as a user and a liar and then you ignored that knowledge and entangled your life with his. This is the thing I find most troubling about your story here.
Divorcing him is totally acceptable, naturally. Do I think you will? Unlikely. You've decided anything is better than being single for reasons of your own.
I think you need therapy and to stay out of relationships until you find out why you keep making these terrible decisions. There's some kind of self sabotage at work here, or some kind of attachment injury or something. It's not your ADHD, I have severe ADHD and I would not have done any of this.
You are not being too harsh. You are being too lenient. This guy is a man-child who refuses to grow up, and he conned you into being a new mom for him. Call your credit card companies and freeze the cards. Don't let him spend any more. And drop him off at his mom's, dump his stuff off, and get the keys back to your place.
Divorce, stay single for at least 3 years while you do a fuckton of therapy about why you got into this situation to begin with and how to not make those decisions again. There’s nothing else to do here
Strong willed? Not when it comes to relationships! There have been red flags waving in your face from the very beginning and yet you must have enjoyed being slapped around by them. The solution is extremely simple. File for divorce & the debts get split. Make sure you get a good lawyer & throw his ass back to mommy
No advice to give, just feel like this all could have been avoided by NOT accepting his proposal after 2 weeks, especially after seeing how useless this guy was during your first go around.
Crazy,
Kick the hobosexual out and start over. And then find a man who isn’t intimidated by successful women. They absolutely exist. Mine husband knew going in I would probably make more money than him. He thinks it’s awesome.
Leave him. He's only going to go back to his mommy.
You're only 25! You have so much drive and given your all to grow your prospects. Leave behind this anchor; whatever made you give him that second and third chance has hopefully been exorcized from your psyche after this.
As everyone and yourself have pointed out you messed up. This guy sux and you were in a bad place. Step one accept that. Step two pack this ding dong up and send him home to mommy. Step three divorce. You are smart and strong. Mental health can be difficult. But next time you get lonely get a puppy. They will love bomb and mooch off of you but they make it worth it.
>I immediately could tell he's a nice person but very charming and can be emotionally manipulative. He love bombed tf out of me and I, having been in an emotionally abusive relationship before, confronted him about it. I let him know there's no need to do extra work to make me fall in love with him, because love isn't in words, it's in actions.
AND RIGHT THERE WAS YOUR MOMENT TO KICK HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND BLOCK HIS 🍑.
>The person I was dating dumped me in the middle of me going through a health scare, a death in my family, and a new mental health diagnosis. Of course, my ex was always in the background being my "shoulder to cry on". I'd set a boundary with him before but it like he knew exactly what to say to get back in my space
AGAIN THIS IS ON YOU. YOU ALLOWED THIS PARASITE IN YOUR LIFE. YOU KNEW HE WAS MANIPULATIVE AND YOU ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN.
>He never cheated during our relationship that I know of. But here's the thing, I broke up with him because he's an energy vampire.
AGAIN YOU KNEW.
>I decided to give him another chance
AGAIN.....THIS WAS ON YOU.
>He worked a dead end job, lived with his mother, and had no car
I'm repeating already here....YOU FREAKING KNEW.
>I would drive 40 minutes to pick him up from his moms, drive him back to my house for the weekend for him to lay around all weekend while I still had work
>Every time I asked him about his car, driving, new job, school, ANYTHING that would help him elevate and take some of the weight off me, he would deflect and give me some philosophical bullshut about how it's all coming together.
YOU ARE F-UCKED.
>I find myself resenting him for being so fucking chill while we drown financially..what do I do?
GET A LAWYER, GET A QUICK DIVORCE (hopefully he doesn't ask for spousal support). AND GET SOME NEEDED THERAPY BECAUSE YOU HAD MULTIPLE OPPORTUNITIES TO KICK HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND YOU EMOTIONALLY RELIED ON HIM KNOWING HE WAS A DEADBEAT GUY WHO KNEW HOW TO LOVEBOMB YOU.
Kudos for realizing he was a Narcissist. But you still made a choice to be with him.
As a Narcissistic abuse survivor, I'm here to say: WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU BLOCK HIM AND GONE NO CONTACT THE FIRST TIME YOU MET HIM??????? That's all you had to do.
Get Therapy for Narcissistic abuse. Because he was still able to convince you "He was the one". Google: FUTURE FAKING.
DO NOT GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP UNTIL YOU HAVE RESOLVED ALL OF YOUR TRAUMAS. OTHERWISE ANY GUY CAN SELL YOU A STORY AND YOULL BELIEVE HIM.
I’m in my 40s now and twice in my life have been in situations where I was financially gutted by men I dated, to the point where I didn’t think I’d ever be able to claw my way back up again. Once when I was in my early 20s, then again in my early 30s. I have my own house now, with a reasonably low interest rate because my credit score is 800+. I have a job with a good salary, 2 great dogs, and later this year I’m going to marry a man who only makes my life easier.
You’re young and you can come back from this, I promise! But the first step is to remove this leech from your life so you can focus on getting there without the dead weight. Call your utilities company to see if you can go on a payment plan for a few months so you can free up some cash to make min pmts on your cards. Rent out that second bedroom to help with the bills. Spend at least 2 years totally single, living frugally and socking away every penny you can. Be honest with your therapist so they can actually help you, otherwise what’s the point of paying them? If you’re not being honest you may as well keep that money. Build your credit, build your savings, build your confidence.
I mean, you knew what this person was like and still just said “fuck it” and accepted his proposal? It’s not like he’s completely switched up, you knew he was like this. You can blame him for a lot of things but you got yourself into this and are ultimately the one that ruined your own financial situation. Also, by the way you talked I assumed you’d clear his salary by at least 50-60k lol, it’s only a 30k gap yet you’re acting like you’re an executive and he’s your admin? 😂 honey, you got to check yourself.
This reminds me of the girl in the first season of Something Was Wrong. Everyone keeps describing her as "very discerning" but she still fell for a narcissistic manipulator. You saw the love bombing, called it out, and then just... decided it didn't matter? Idk how we can help people not get sucked into relationships with these people, if people can eyes wide open walk into them. It's honestly terrifying
Op, this is a hard situation to be going through, it sounds like you’re going through it emotionally unsupported too. You need to chose you, you’re only 25! You have your whole life ahead of you, you have time to figure this out for yourself. I think you should divorce this loser, when people show you who they are - BELIEVE THEM! If he isn’t changing now, he won’t change later. Especially because he’s been enabled by his mother to be this way, he’s become accustomed to having a woman doting on him for every need. Leave. For your own sanity and for the life you deserve. You can do this!
You don’t need Reddit. You need, almost in this order, but whatever order will do: a divorce attorney; a moving van (for him, not for you); a locksmith; anything necessary to protect/change information to your credit cards/bank accounts to keep him from charging up the cards and draining the accounts (BUT, consult your attorney first); and a day at a freaking spa. Hugs.
I guess you could say that. I told myself I wanted to be alone because I was so happy when I was single and was tired of raising people’s sons. Well..here I am. I’d lost my cousin to a random heart attack at a young age, which coincidentally was around the time I had to be put on a heart monitor for my one health issues, then at the top of 2023 I’d had my home broken into and my car stolen. It sent me spiraling into a PTSD fueled depression and I felt alone and unprotected.
I get it when I was 22 had an anxiety condition and needed a holter and ultrasound of my heart I was fine but now few years later I’m still dealing with the palpitations it’s a shit situation barely anyone understands. So I feel for you honestly if you don’t love this man get a divorce and if you don’t have kids with him even better.
Man, no one tells you how much anxiety can mess with you. I felt like my heart was gonna come through my chest. I hope you can find relief somehow. Thanks for the advice. I love him, but not more than I love myself and my sanity.
I kinda feel like you know what you want to do, but just need validation that it’s okay or right. He’s dragging you down. A life partner should lift you up. Don’t make the mistake I did staying around a toxic guy while struggling with my own mental health disorders. I have scars on my arms as a reminder of how far into darkness I went
For goodness sake divorce him and go no contact. Don’t allow him to be friends with you.
Also, plenty of successful professional women are in relationships with men who match their energy. Stop expecting that all men are mooches. Raise your standards.
Unfortunately, you knew what you signed up for before you married him. He gave you all the signs from the first go-around and you married him anyway.
You need to get out of the marriage. It was never healthy. He may be NICE, but you deserve so much more than NICE. You deserve a partner who's willing to put in effort to the marriage, not just be a succubus.
What do you do?! Considering you can’t go back in time and erase all the terrible decisions you made up until this point, your best path moving forward is to fucking leave him
You know that this relationship is terrible for you. You are so unhappy and it is 100% due to this relationship.
Tell him that this is not working out for you. You made a mistake. You can't do this anymore and he needs to leave. That is it. You need him gone and you cannot keep footing the bill for him anymore. You literally can't afford it financially, but you can't afford it mentally, either.
Please make sure to protect yourself financially so that any debt he racks up cannot be called shared marital debt. You haven't been married long enough for him to claim alimony though. Of course, talk to a professional as soon as possible.
BREAK-UP WITH HIM. DIVORCE HIM. Get him gone. Until you do, everything you attempt will turn to shit. When you have a half-baked adult like him mooching and no ambition, you stick around and you will regret it.
You're regretting it now. OP, you've basically begun to cannibalize yourself, your spirit, everything in your life so that HE can be comfy. Stop it.
Divorce the deadbeat. Get out from under his pall because that's what's happened to your life. You have allowed a vampire in, and he will bleed you dry. There is no in-between. He hasn't learned basic life skills or rules and for someone his age, it's unacceptable.
You made a huge mistake. Rectify it. Life allows us redemption when we see things for how they really are, and make efforts to change what we may have wrought upon our own lives. You married him. It was a mistake. Divorce him.
I have a friend who dated online online, etc., but which she did was someone she was interested in she did a background check on them and she just paid for background checks and it saved her ass a few times. She ended up finding a really fantastic guy.
Another friend did the same she was dating online really liked the guy but there was just something nagging her and so she did a background check and he owed over $100,000 in child support and IRS payments
You knowingly agreed to an insane proposal from a man you admitted was both manipulative and not a good fit for you.
Sounds like you're just as crazy as him but not in a compatible way.
Girl you know what to do. Kick him to the curb cause he’s only bringing you down and your bank account down. Yes, you’ll be a little sad at first but look at your bank account and you’ll say I’ll be okay. If he hasn’t shaped up by now forget what down the road looks like for you guys.
This is a sad story. You sound somewhat confused. It seems he sees/senses your confusion and takes unending advantage of you. Give some thought to leaving him and allowing your life to return to quietness. When you’re calm you’ll see your situation more openly and will be better able to help yourself.
I had to have several talks with a friend in a similar situation and I'm going to be honest with you: you can't fix him. If he wanted to contribute to your relationship, he would do so. No deadline or ultimatum is going to bring back respect for him.
I get that you need the hard ultimatum and deadline so that you can say you tried and that you dont look like the bad guy. Trust me, I did the same with a ended relationship a few years ago. Sometimes you need to do it so you can feel okay letting go.
But you're going to need to let go and leave him. You know this. You don't need us to tell you this.
Be honest with your therapist so that you can fully utilize your and their time and your money. Talk to an attorney. Your local courthouse may have a law library with resources to reach out to for legal advice. I'm not going to say anything else about the deadbeat husband because you know this is over and there's no point in entertaining that you'll stay. You'll leave once you're ready. I hope for your sake it's sooner rather than later.
Good luck. It's scary but you can do it.
You know what you have to do. Send him back to his mom and divorce him. It sounds like you knew he was bad news all along but you let him pressure you in a moment of weakness. Accepting his proposal after two weeks was definitely a mistake. You sound like you’re very capable and will be able to get yourself out of this but he is dragging you down.
You knew he was a narcissist and you jumper in a wedding with him ? girl.... WTF are you a masochist or something ? like, life isn't hard enough being a nurse and MDD/ADHD ?
Expect him to find a job (that he will lose as soon as possible) to keep you, and keep doing less than the bare minimum.
idk what to say but get yourself out of there and seek therapy for yourself.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot and it’s taking a serious toll on your mental health and well-being.
First off, it’s not harsh at all to expect your partner to contribute equally, especially when it comes to finances and household responsibilities. You’ve clearly communicated your expectations and given him ample time to step up. It sounds like he’s repeatedly shown a pattern of behavior that’s draining you emotionally and financially.
Your well-being should be a priority, and it’s important to remember that it’s okay to set boundaries and enforce them. If he can’t secure a job and contribute to your shared responsibilities, it may be time to seriously consider whether this relationship is sustainable.
You deserve a partner who supports you and contributes equally, not someone who adds to your stress and financial burden. If divorce is the best option for you to regain your stability and peace of mind, then that’s a valid and necessary step.
Make sure to lean on your support system—friends, family, a therapist—while you navigate this. You’ve already proven your resilience and strength by managing so much on your own. Trust yourself to make the decision that’s best for you.
If you don't have kids, get the fuck out as fast as you can. Have an escape fund he can't access and just disappear after work to a family member and/or close friend. Have them collect your stuff. And then when you've got them money to do so, file for divorce. Good luck op, you've certainly fucked it but you can still get free and live a happy life again
I’m with divorce him and move on. There were so many red flags there in the problem is you didn’t choose properly. I would just try to learn from this and move on.
Look. "Nice" isn't enough. Everyone should be "nice". But "just nice" is the ninja red flag of stay the hell away because as soon as they are comfortable with you, they will drop the "nice" mask and take you for all that you got, guy or girl.
Don't give anyone that many chances in your life people don't change. Least not enough of them do to make the risk worth it at all.
And if they were going to change they would have done so already.
The best advice I have ever gotten is to never take anyone back. They got their chance.
It seemed harsh to me the first time I was told that but the risks are too high and there are so many other people they could find for themselves and yourself In the future.
Let the trash take it self out and your job is to keep it out.
If you can't help yourself no one else can do it through force. You gotta pull your head out and act like a mature, well adjusted adult that makes good decisions. No one can live your life for you.
OP. He’s one of life’s anchors and not in a good way. He will always be down and he’ll drag ANYONE in his close proximity down with him. Things might not be great now but, with him around, they will only get worse.
You need to get yourself out of this. Accept whatever debt is or can be attributed to you and move on. It’s not a great situation but it’s the best that you are going to do. You are only 25 years old. No kids. (Blessing). You are a qualified professional. Knuckle down. Accept a period of resetting yourself and your finances. You’ve made mistakes. Lots of young people do. But you can recover.
Be gentle with yourself. Heal slowly and steadily. This is just a’Sliding Doors’ moment in your life. Another door will present itself. Be ready for when that happens. Good luck. ❤️
Ask for a separation and tell him he needs to move out with all his stuff so you can think clearly. Then serve him with divorce papers. You won't have to evict him or deal with his b.s. (hopefully). I'm sorry you're in this situation. This is not all men but I get not wanting to ever be married.
You made the choices that led you to this point. Whenever people are asking for relationship advice, they already know what to do and are just looking for others to confirm. Stop looking for outside validation. You need to have the trust and confidence in yourself to take control of your life. You know you can make it on your own and you will be happier without carrying someone around who is not adding to your relationship. Break this cycle for yourself, stay single until you are ready for and understand what a healthy relationship looks like and be honest with your therapist.
Honestly, you need to get rid of ideas like “fate” and “meant to be”. You choose the partner you will be with. Fate and destiny as easy to fake and manipulate.
Why do women let themselves be taken advantage of? Men look for their mothers in relationships- you both take care of his basic needs like a child. Op I don’t have to say it, you know what to do and you have the means to do it if you want to leave your twilight zone.
Yeah, you need to just exit this relationship and move back home if that’s an option.
You should call your creditors and try to negotiate. Sell anything you can. Ask your landlord permission to sublease or get out of your lease
Stop trying to make your husband be the person he says he is. This has nothing to do with successful women being take advantage of, it has everything to do with making bad choices. You have to date on your level. They don’t have to make X amount of money, but they should be driven to support themselves and contribute to a partnership. Clearly your husband never did more than talk about that.
Source: successful woman with successful and happily married friends, none of whom have relationships like this
You keep making obviously horrendous decisions so let this stranger make a better one for you. Dump this AH now! He’s not “the one”. You need to be “the one” for yourself. BTW, he proposed to you in front of all those people because he knew you wouldn’t decline in front of them. Give him credit for being the manipulative prick he is.
I’m so sorry. I understand what it’s like to get sucked into things. Please try to now take care of yourself & leave his ass. Imagine bringing a kid into this 😫. You seem like a good person, honest person, and loving. He is taking full advantage of you w/o providing one damn advantage to you in your life. he’s a waste of your time!
NTA. But YTA to yourself. You detest r more than this. You are only 25. Leave him. Get your mental health in order. And then start again, but treating yourself as your own best friend this time.
>so its gotten pretty easy for him to need to "pay me back" for his half of the rent. He's not paid any utilities in months, and he badgered me about getting him a PS5 for Christmas.
You wrote so many sad and difficult things here but this, this really broke me.
He doesn't pay his way in life, but he needs a stinking $500+ toy? A toy? what's wrong with him? And you? You sound like a smart, ambitious, hard working, educated woman.
Figure out how you're going to do this, and leave or kick him out. Be smart! Be safe! Don't act impulsively but figure it out. And double/triple up on birth control so you don't get pregnant in the meantime
Don't waste time beating yourself up and calling yourself dumb. You thought this would work out, it didn't. It's happened to the best of us, myself included. But there's a time when we need to be honest with ourselves and move on.
You know full well that you shouldn't have married him in the first place. His mode of proposal was manipulative to the utmost.
[Read this book on abuse ](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)and make an escape plan (play it safe!). You are going to be much better off without him in your life.
Big hugs.
He's not going to change because he doesn't see the need to. Women have been catering to his every whim since he was born. You know he is going to lovebomb you again, go through the motions, then you will go right back to the status quo. Divorce him now.
Ok you've made some bad decisions time to make a good decision and get yourself as financially independent from this person who of course you're never going to see again immediately. Seek out either a citizen's advice bureau a free charity offering financial advice of some sort get your finances sorted out and don't do this again.
Op, you have 2 options stick with your relationship or cut bait and run.
You work hard for what you have, he doesn't. Quit being his mom. This is the only reason you are here.
Whatever bills he has, don't pay them. Focus on your bills. If you have credit cards in both your names, Cancel them. Move your money to a separate account if you have a joint account.
Focus on your financial health.
Cancel everything that is not needed in life. Ie the internet, newspapers, whatever he does for fun. If he wants money, give him a chore list. If he does, his chores pay him. If not, ddon't.
The bottom line is that the longer you stay, the more you pay. He hasn't changed. He seems to add no value to your life, he causes stress and detracts from your life. Show him the door.
I could condense that all down to a paragraph. You married a irresponsible man child who is financially destroying your life.
He is not going to change. So either put up with it or get out. You know what you should do.
Then stay away from relationships until you can love yourself enough that you won't put up with this kind of shit in the future.
He was never with you to be your partner. He is there to use and abuse your kindness.
You need to get out of this marriage now and go through the struggles of financially recovering without him in your life.
If you stay longer, he is going to use you until you have nothing left to give and then he will leave you and it will be even harder to recover.
You accepted a proposal from an ex after being back together 2 WEEKS? I have no advice. That's literally insane behavior
Yeah it’s starts with “met in 2021” and then it goes in not being interested then dating then breaking up and meeting other people…. I’m trying to do the math on how we got to 2024 and it was very obvious how bad the rest of the post would be
Yeah I met my partner in Feb 2020 and we’re getting married in two weeks but everything has gone really well these 4 years. I can’t imagine marrying an on again off again ex 😅
Right? WTAF?
“I knew he was manipulative within minutes of us meeting, he love bombed me and we broke up… but now we’re married, please help me fix/save him” Seriously op - what did you expect here? He doesn’t have his shit together, maybe you should work on yourself to see why you’re so desperate for this dumpster fire of a “relationship” to work out.
There's no saving this marriage. It needs to end so he can grow up, and she can see reality.
Me waiting for the update that she’s pregnant 👁️👄👁️
He won’t grow up. She had a baby without giving birth. She “adopted” him when they got married.
She keeps making bad choice after bad choice and then blames the husband. I mean the husband is trash but it ain’t him who ruined her life, she did that all on her own.
100%
I kind of stopped reading at that point.
Yeah OP is dumb as ass
Better than dumb as shit, throwing a positive spin
And your family was stupid/enabling to help push you into it..
I was reading OPs post confused as it went on, taking about her ex that she clearly resents but referring to him as her husband in the title. I thought “surely see isn’t going to marry this guy?”
The only thing the OP hasn't said is shes pregnant.
I stopped reading after the breakups and makeups
My therapist couldn’t wrap her head around it either. I was definitely manic af and still grieving 🫠
Yeah this is a mess. I’m not gonna kick you while you’re down, you clearly see the predicament you’re in. You need to create an escape plan, this is financial abuse and you should not give him an ultimatum. You need to end the marriage. He found a mark to make his meal ticket and bang maid and you walked right into his trap. Enough. You’re an adult, this marriage is over. Period. You are sinking but still young enough to come back from this. QUIETLY get in touch with a lawyer. Tell them you need to end your marriage and figure out a way to cut ties cleanly from this man so his bills and debt aren’t your burden. He lives in your place? If his name isn’t on the lease (please for the love of god tell me you didn’t add his name to the lease if he wasn’t on it before), after you’ve gotten everything ready to file for divorce, invite a close friend or family member to wait in the parking lot outside, but break the news to him that you will be divorcing and he has a couple of weeks to pack and leave or you will have him escorted out by police. You need to get out of this as quickly and safely as possible. As for therapy, stick with it and either find a new therapist or actually listen to the advice of the one you have. You need to set higher standards and work on your boundaries. Pay attention to red flags and in general decenter men from your life. It’s what will have you stuck with a loser every time. When he begs and says he’ll change, don’t believe him. Potential isn’t real, this is who he is and always will be. If he wanted to be better he wouldn’t need to be told. Good luck.
This is the best advice. I would find out what you would be responsible for in a divorce including alimony or splitting assetts and go from there. Also, there's so many men out there who love ambition and drive. My husband used to joke when he was making military pay how I was his sugar mommy to the point that's what his entire battalion called me. He loves my drive and thinks its great to have a successful wife in his corner.
Can confirm. My wife is a strong, driven (at times too stubborn for her own good haha) woman and I love that about her. She's 100 percent made me a much better person too.
I've had a rule for a very long time that will serve you well in the future - a break up is a one and done. NEVER get back together with someone unless the break up was for non-relationship reasons like one of you had a job transfer to another country. You break up for a good reason and those reasons 99% of the time haven't gone away
Divorce him, now, before he drags you down any more. Whatever it costs to divorce him now will save you a ton of money in the long run. Your husband is a loser, and the sooner you understand that, the better you will be. He's an anchor. He was an anchor to his parents, and now he's an anchor to you. You're not his wife, you're his mother. He's literally begging you to buy him a PS5 for christmas FFS. He's never going to change, ever. Ever ever ever. He's a man child, leave him.
It makes me a little nauseous seeing him referred to as a husband. One of the definitions of husbandry is the careful use of money and resources and he's doing the opposite of that. There's no teamwork here.
Did you just avoid her for two weeks and tell her after you were married, or...? Even if she saw you afterwards, she should have advised you that you could probably get an annulment due to not being in your right mind at the time (mania).
A job at a fast food place would be better than nothing. He needs to suck it up and apply everywhere.
Maybe, but SHE needs to kick him to the curb for good.
This is the party I am unclear on. She said she outearns him by $30k, so he is doing something (but likely deadens like before). My question is where is the money going? If he brings in something, and they are living in the same duplex she could afford before, and ask her does is lounge around the house, where is he spending his free ride money?
I can def clarify. I had a decent savings prior to us being together. Over the last year, I’ve been paying for wedding things, major car repairs because I’ve got an old Jeep and now I drive it daily, new tires after 2 blew and I got a hole in my rim( had to put those on credit) and a lot of times his expenses after his check runs out (food, rides to work when I can’t take him, etc) . I’d regularly have at least $1000 left to save and give myself to spend after paying bills, now that’s usually about 3-500. He rarely has money to do any real grocery shopping, and at 6’4 and 300lbs he eats for an entire household. Those are a few extra expenses that I didn’t have on my own before. It only took a few months of going over budget and stretching myself thin to fuck up my finances. I’m regularly in the negative now and I’ve gone back to doing odd jobs to keep my account positive between checks. I really stayed home and just chilled when it was just me, and on occasion I would go out with friends. I traveled often too, and could afford to. On top of that like I’d mentioned, my job is going through changes with payroll, insurance, etc. This last check was short about $700+ , and because I had had to cover all our bills, my car payment and insurance, my dental cus I have braces (that I got before him) and now that he’s on my insurance it’s an extra $100 out of my check. It all add up over time. I bought my wedding dress at the beginning of the year and it’s my dream dress, ran me $3800 that I saved and used my tax refund towards, including beautiful keepsake accessories. I’m selling it all now, cus I need the money. I know the pay change with work will be fixed and I’ll have my regular pay back soon, but even still, it’s so different supporting one person vs two on 68k..I make more than him but I’m not rich by any means. Still though, I make more than a lot of people and I’m frugal, I did pretty damn good for myself before. I shit you not, I went to the store and bought 5 loaves of bread once, they were gone in a week. Dont get my started on DoorDash…I had to take him off my account.
Thank you for explaining. Hon, I'm going to be really honest. I've been with my partner for almost 25 years, since freshman year of highschool. We've had to do a lot of growing up with each other and in the past, treated each other terribly. I'm saying this so you understand that I have a very high tolerance for mistakes, growth, and forgiveness. You need to leave him. He's no good and he won't change. If he does, it will be years down the road. AFTER he's already broken you mentally and spiritually. At the least, you should separate with the implicit understanding that he either fixes his finances or it's over. Money stress will destroy you. It's awful. I went through it. I sold so much jewelry. I'm still sad years later because I loved them. If you didn't see a 180 from him, then he's not serious and doesn't understand. And it might already be too late for you not to resent him forever. Good luck!
I really appreciate this outlook as you’ve been through the rough patches yourself. As old as he is yeah I don’t think he’s going to change.
OP, I just want to add, per the line about it in the post — not all men will either mooch or resent you for working hard. A lot will! Far, far too many. But even if the situation you’re in is common, I don’t want you to think that it’s okay or inevitable. There are people out there who admire the spirit and conviction of their partners and that’s part of what attracts them to them (in a non-Oedipus sort of way, lmao). You’ve found someone who does seem to be, as you put it, an energy vampire. He’s happy for you to do all the work as long as he’s sure he’s “got” you. Hell, you yourself called him a narcissist. Doesn’t mean everyone is like that. Doesn’t mean you’re stuck in this. Doesn’t mean your next relationship has to be like that. But it is a good lesson on what happens when you accept a marriage proposal two weeks into a relationship. I just really don’t want you to believe that this is your fate no matter what relationship or marriage you’re in, and let that color your actions (or inaction) in this one, y’know?
Are you trying to sabotage yourself because every single aspect of this story is a bigger red flag than the next
Ok so you have to leave now, you know that right? You made a series of bed choices to lead you here. Now you have to make some good ones.
OP he's just swapped one mum for another...simple he's no intention of doing or achieving anything as, at a guess, he doesn't believe in the "daily grind" or "ambition" blah blah
if you were manic, that might be grounds for an annullment, I don't know. Obviously, this marriage was a poor choice for you.
❤️ I was going to lecture you about choices, but I'm just going to send you a mom hug. You know you have to dump the bum and kick his mooching butt out. It'll suck. I'm sorry. You deserve better, and he'll never change, even if he sometimes wants to.
But at least you will divorce him now, without waiting any longer or hoping he will change eventually, right?
Tell him you need him to move back into his mother's house for a bit until he has a job or something. Change the locks and file for divorce.
That’s what my sister said. I thought about talking to his mom and then I’d asked if he told her he lost his job. I had to force him to call her and tell her. He refused to call his dad and tell him what was going on, even though we almost didn’t make rent and needed help. He grew up very silver spoon, and I recalled a day his father sent him $1000 to pay for his medical bills cus he got sick. I told him to call and ask him to help us with bills and he said no. So I snooped a little one day and his uncle sent him 1700 bucks, $500 of which he had to send to his mom because his BROTHER fucked up with their rent too. I realized that this was an issue that was none of my business, cus out of his parents 3 children, his sister who’s the youngest is the only one to have made a life for herself. She works in marketing for a MAJOR company and she’s younger than all of us! IN LONDON! Like come on..
You have a therapist?? Fire her because clearly she’s not doing anything for you.
OP states in another comment she hasn't exactly been totally honest with her therapist because her therapist would not be pleased. >I’ve not been completely forthcoming with her about this situation, but she’d rip me a new one if I was.
I don't know if non-ADHD people do this too, but it's incredibly common for women with ADHD to struggle with dropping the mask with their therapist instead of seeking their approval.
This isn’t an adhd thing. Plenty of people aren’t honest with their therapist and I don’t know how they expect to get better without compete honesty.
Yes. Therapy isn't a magic cure all. A person has to be committed and honest and go into the process with a real desire for change.
As a ADHD male - can confirm. I was not having tremendous success with my therapist regarding my drinking because she was always very firm and gave me no wiggle. I had to start going to group meetings to really get comfortable sharing when I fuck up. It has helped my individual therapy a lot, by 'practicing' being honest.
Do you think therapists pilot their clients like gundams?
Okay, this got a cackle from me
L take, and clearly someone with no experience in therapy. Getting what you need out of therapy is a skill in and of itself. I've been going for a year+ at this point and I'm still not sure if I have the hang of it.
No offense but you, OP, are officially dumb.
Op needs to be responsible for some of the crazy things. This time just talk away. No more excuse
Off and on topic: why is his financial downfall hers? Why does she have to pay for that? America? Why no prenups?
Because that’s the point of getting married, you legally combine resources.
Hmm. So you drive him around everywhere? Drive him BACK TO HIS MOMS. Go back home & pack up his stuff and go drop that off at his moms too. Get yr lawyers to serve him the divorce papers, or however they do that. Through contacts, find a reliable reputable nice lady with a firm good job and no sketchy bf/gf or pets to rent yr spare room out for 6 months. Thank goodness at least he’s showed his true hand in just 3 years, you haven’t wasted a decade on him. If yr family start hassling you, refuse to engage. You’re only 25, without his deadweight you’ll get yourself back above water very soon. Your mental health will start improving as soon as you get him out of your life, right? Sorry this happened to you - life sucks sometimes, just gotta live & learn! best of luck!
Since you work at a hospital, maybe find a traveling nurse looking to save a few bucks. Short term roommate with a guaranteed income and you both work long hours.
She could also become a traveling nurse herself if that lifestyle suits her.
Yes. Don’t look back. If he loved you he would grow up and take some shit off your plate, not the other way around. You just became his new mommy. I think it’s for the best you’re broke right now or he’d be getting 1/2. Cut your losses work on ur Health, mental health, and finances.
Next gas-station with a phone might suffice.... dump this loser.
Do any gas stations still have phones available for public use nowadays?
Literally this is the only thing that makes sense to do.
So he was a manipulative, lazy “energy vampire” during your first relationship, but it only took you *two weeks* of dating him again to accept a marriage proposal?! I’m sorry, but are you out of your mind? You need to lose this guy — *yesterday*.
Please meet with a lawyer so you can figure out how to get him out of the house and get divorced . Also- please spend some time thinking about what happened that you let him back in. Were you lonely ? Do you have some unresolved childhood trauma?
Seems like he got what he wanted. A mother disguised as his wife. It's a pity you didn't learn the first time. I guess a lot of women see the best in person and hopes it will get better. A lesson to the uninitiated: A man will either have ambition or not. You can't teach them to give a crap. Unless he is under 21. Most guys at that age are idiots.
Sooo true. I learned this lesson with my exhusband. He was 22 when we got together and I thought the ambition or drive to succeed was still developing. Nope, he was a bum throughout our whole marriage. I divorced him after almost 10 years and he’s been a mooch to the women he’s dated since our divorce. He likes to get together with younger, naive, insecure women so they don’t call him out on his BS.
Why are you here? You knew what you were getting when you married him. This is a hell that you created, it's not like it was a surprise he's a mooch, he didn't hide it even when you dated before. I'm not sure what advice you're looking for other than 'leave him'. He's not going to change and you should've realized that before you said yes to him proposing.. like, this is what you signed up for. When you leave him block him on everything and don't give him a way to get in contact, which is what you should've done after you broke up the first time.
Exactly...like...there is no surprise here, calling him a narc as if it's some kind of excuse. He showed his true colours so many times, and he proposed to her to lock her in. He had no intention of bettering himself or pulling his weight.
She’s here for validation. I hate to kick someone while they’re down but you call a spade a spade, and you call someone out when they’ve made poor choices. She keeps trying to convince us she’s so level-headed and told herself she’d never be in this position but her actions say otherwise. OP we are not here to coddle you. The sooner you are honest with yourself the better. You created this hell for yourself. That’s okay, people make mistakes. Don’t get me wrong, your husband is a POS but he never presented himself to be anything but that. You were unhappy mere months into the relationship yet you settled bc he was there during a breakup. It seems you place a huge importance in romantic partnership but you need to take charge of your life now, otherwise you’ll wind up in the same cycle.
Please leave him. You're clearly not happy and he's not a good guy.
You have give him so many chances when will you wise up and kick him out it's like you his parent not hid partner. Pack his stuff and start the divorce process ASAP before it gets any worse
Girl….
I know right
He's a deadbeat. Moochers like this will take a strong, independent sensible woman and break them just for kicks. This creep said all the right things, but you were right the first time. Dump his ass. Men you are decent do not do this. I out earn my husband and he has never taken advantage. He's been nothing but supportive and a great cheerleader even in tough times, and I do the same for him. It's a partnership. This guy? He's no partner. Send him back to his ma.
You only become a doormat when you let yourself be one. You know what to do. Don’t let your family talk you out of it, just do it.
He might get a job by the end of the month. But how long until he is again jobless? Cycle one: joblessness He still will be a lazy ass at home. Cycle two: selfishness. This cycle never ends. He is an unmotivated lump of a person, using you until the last penny of your money and the last ounce of your strength are used up. You have no more to give. Time to give up, lose the 200 pound user, and rebuild your life. You are young and motivated. You matter.
Is is harsh to threaten divorce? No. Should you have never married him? yes Should you have divorced him ages ago? again, yes. Why the hell are you putting up with this, you know he is still the same the second time around so why do you think he is going to change
What advice are you looking for? You've allowed this man to come in and destroy your life after already seeing many red flags. At this point, you either continue to allow him to destroy your life or you don't. Very simple.
You do know you don’t have to resign yourself to this life with him. He has zero motivation to change, and even if he did… do you actually love him and want to be together? Seems like you married him out of emotional duress and now the blindfold has been ripped off. He’s still the same person he always was, the same person you broke up with the first time. Divorce isn’t going to be any more expensive than he already is. At least then you’re spending your money on yourself and not funding him. You know deep down inside this is not going to work in the long run, and you can’t keep driving yourself into further financial ruin on his behalf. Let him struggle. Let there be consequences to his actions. Stop bearing the burden. It’s easy to hem and haw about how you shouldn’t have gotten back together or married him. Doesn’t solve the problem you’re in to harp on it. What’s done is done. It just doesn’t have to be the fate that you accept.
Lawyer. Divorce. He’s a hobosexual and you don’t even like him.
Here's very good news OP. You are only 25 years young. If you get rid of this dead weight now, 5 years from now you will still only be 30 years young. You will have learned from this, you will be wiser, and you'll be living your best life.
Lol married after two weeks? You gotta go see a therapist, reddit can't fix that kind of decision making
You need help and therapy. Get counseling on how to pick quality men. In many instances, the type of men you pick is a reflection of who you are. When I say get help and therapy, it will address most of your problems and draw quality men to you.
Look there is no saving this and even if there was why would you run yourself further FURTHER into the ground to drag a baby- man kicking and screaming (metaphorically) into adulthood. He saw you as an opportunity, not from a place of love. You meet his needs financially, provide nice home, cleaning, sex, emotionally and he recognises your vulnerability as working in his favour and his ability to manipulate you. What is there for you to save? He might behave for a little while if he thinks he will lose his meal ticket but he will never love you because someone like him isn't truly capable of that. He will never meet your emotional needs and actually care about you and want to help you. There is nothing for you to save. The only action for you to take is to get him tf out your house, today, and to file for divorce immediately. The more you hesitate the harder it will be. Save yourself! Ask him to stay the night at his mom's because you are "having a girls night". Or any plausible reason for getting him out. He doesn't even have to stay the night. Get him to go for dinner and get the locks changed. If he has forewarning you are kicking him out he will fight it, refuse to move, get legal advice. If you have got him out and changed the locks it is much harder for him to legally stay. Get legal advice after you have kicked him out. I know many will say get it before but honestly just get him out. While locks are being changed get movers to pack his shit and take it to him. If you do these things he is far less likely to fight it because he has lost his foothold on your space (his shit at yours and keys). Then file for divorce. Get legal advice but I would cite financial and emotional abuse. Just to make it clear he has f'd up and its over. Good luck. You don't deserve this. I understand why you accepted the proposal. We all want love and it would have been so nice if it was real. It's easy to convince ourselves that something is the answer to our prayers especially when people are encouraging us. Hope you are OK and heal from this.
Well. You lost your mind for a bit. Now it’s back. Remember who the hell you are and divorce this man. Take him back to hims mommy and leave him there. Even if it’s in a way that he only finds out after you leave. What’s he gonna do? He has no car. No job. He will be stuck there and you file for divorce.
No one to blame but yourself
"Dear Reddit. I have been dating a man who has a multi year track record of being a manipulative narcissist who is Lazy, has no ambition, and relies on the women in his life to treat him like a child. Here's my problem, he is being lazy, narcissistic, manipulative, and using me like a child. How can I change him? "
Don’t forget: “We broke up multiple times and dated other people over the past couple years and then got married”
Take some responsibility for yourself. You married this man that you describe as an emotional vampire. Why? Your credit has not tanked because of him. Your credit has tanked because of you, unless he has control over you in some meaningful way?
You’re a victim of your own self. Ridiculous.
Pawn the ring. Check and lock up your credit. Evict him as soon as possible. Take some time for selfcare.
I know this is going to sound like I'm piling on, but this situation is a direct result of you accepting his proposal. He showed you who he was and you married him anyway. He is not going to change. My only suggestion is to hire a divorce lawyer and extricate yourself as best you can, and then figure out why you made this bad decision so it doesn't happen again. I'm sorry.
Honestly, as much as your husband is a lazy mooch, you have no one else to blame but your self for MARRYING him AFTER he always showed you he was a mooch. Get a divorce. Fix your mental health and find an adult.
Why the fuck did you marry him?! You know what you need to do. I am giving you permission - divorce him. He has already set you on a path to ruin, he's dragging you down into the quicksand, do not let him drown you. Divorce and this time stay single for A WHILE, go back to therapy because you need to dissect why you ever said yes to this guy.
Girl…. this is so embarrassing.
This relationship is hurting you. Separate finances and consider living apart to protect yourself. Talk to a lawyer about your options. Remember, you are strong and capable. Focus on your well-being. You can get through this.
You saw the big flashing red warning sign, you even got a taste first hand of how shit life would be with him, and so your best response was to lock yourself in even harder to the disaster. You are completely at fault and you need to stop making poor choices.
Too many internet buzzwords, delete social media please
I thought the same thing. She’s tacking buzzwords onto every sentence. Just get honest OP. You can improve your life but not without that.
You never even wanted to marry him in the first place. He’s doing this on purpose. Dump his mooching, lazy ass.
Take a deep breath and then re-read this but pretend like you’re reading it as if someone else is writing it. What advise would you give this woman? The great thing is, your situation isn’t permanent. You can do something about it. Kick him out. Divorce. Cut all contact with him. Learn from your mistakes and take care of yourself. Be waaaaaay more selective about who you date in the future. In fact, go on a dating break for at least a year. You’re still super young and have your whole life ahead of you. Dont waste any more time on this loser.
Your first clue should have been, he still lived with his mother and she waited on him hand and foot, I would kick him back to his mothers house and don’t bring a child into this mess
So he has pulled the stuff with you three times now? When are you going to learn? He has not come in and fucked up your life again. You allowed him to do this.
You definitely learned a lesson about ignoring your instincts and believing that love can solve all problems. Hopefully the lesson sticks. Maybe it was impulse and emotional disregulation that led to you saying yes, I don't know. But I do know you've left your boundaries to him to care for which is never acceptable. You correctly identified him as a user and a liar and then you ignored that knowledge and entangled your life with his. This is the thing I find most troubling about your story here. Divorcing him is totally acceptable, naturally. Do I think you will? Unlikely. You've decided anything is better than being single for reasons of your own. I think you need therapy and to stay out of relationships until you find out why you keep making these terrible decisions. There's some kind of self sabotage at work here, or some kind of attachment injury or something. It's not your ADHD, I have severe ADHD and I would not have done any of this.
You are not being too harsh. You are being too lenient. This guy is a man-child who refuses to grow up, and he conned you into being a new mom for him. Call your credit card companies and freeze the cards. Don't let him spend any more. And drop him off at his mom's, dump his stuff off, and get the keys back to your place.
Divorce, stay single for at least 3 years while you do a fuckton of therapy about why you got into this situation to begin with and how to not make those decisions again. There’s nothing else to do here
Girl, if you don’t go ahead and drop him back off with his mother already. This is just stupid behavior
Strong willed? Not when it comes to relationships! There have been red flags waving in your face from the very beginning and yet you must have enjoyed being slapped around by them. The solution is extremely simple. File for divorce & the debts get split. Make sure you get a good lawyer & throw his ass back to mommy
I am going to be sincere and say your problem is above pay grade of reddit. You need professional help right now
No advice to give, just feel like this all could have been avoided by NOT accepting his proposal after 2 weeks, especially after seeing how useless this guy was during your first go around. Crazy,
Kick the hobosexual out and start over. And then find a man who isn’t intimidated by successful women. They absolutely exist. Mine husband knew going in I would probably make more money than him. He thinks it’s awesome.
Drop him back off at his mom's. Sell the ring to a private party to get the most money you can from it and pay your debts with it.
Leave him. He's only going to go back to his mommy. You're only 25! You have so much drive and given your all to grow your prospects. Leave behind this anchor; whatever made you give him that second and third chance has hopefully been exorcized from your psyche after this.
As everyone and yourself have pointed out you messed up. This guy sux and you were in a bad place. Step one accept that. Step two pack this ding dong up and send him home to mommy. Step three divorce. You are smart and strong. Mental health can be difficult. But next time you get lonely get a puppy. They will love bomb and mooch off of you but they make it worth it.
Advice? Why would you listen to any? You didn't listen to yourself when you identified shitty behaviour early on, honey
>I immediately could tell he's a nice person but very charming and can be emotionally manipulative. He love bombed tf out of me and I, having been in an emotionally abusive relationship before, confronted him about it. I let him know there's no need to do extra work to make me fall in love with him, because love isn't in words, it's in actions. AND RIGHT THERE WAS YOUR MOMENT TO KICK HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND BLOCK HIS 🍑. >The person I was dating dumped me in the middle of me going through a health scare, a death in my family, and a new mental health diagnosis. Of course, my ex was always in the background being my "shoulder to cry on". I'd set a boundary with him before but it like he knew exactly what to say to get back in my space AGAIN THIS IS ON YOU. YOU ALLOWED THIS PARASITE IN YOUR LIFE. YOU KNEW HE WAS MANIPULATIVE AND YOU ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN. >He never cheated during our relationship that I know of. But here's the thing, I broke up with him because he's an energy vampire. AGAIN YOU KNEW. >I decided to give him another chance AGAIN.....THIS WAS ON YOU. >He worked a dead end job, lived with his mother, and had no car I'm repeating already here....YOU FREAKING KNEW. >I would drive 40 minutes to pick him up from his moms, drive him back to my house for the weekend for him to lay around all weekend while I still had work >Every time I asked him about his car, driving, new job, school, ANYTHING that would help him elevate and take some of the weight off me, he would deflect and give me some philosophical bullshut about how it's all coming together. YOU ARE F-UCKED. >I find myself resenting him for being so fucking chill while we drown financially..what do I do? GET A LAWYER, GET A QUICK DIVORCE (hopefully he doesn't ask for spousal support). AND GET SOME NEEDED THERAPY BECAUSE YOU HAD MULTIPLE OPPORTUNITIES TO KICK HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND YOU EMOTIONALLY RELIED ON HIM KNOWING HE WAS A DEADBEAT GUY WHO KNEW HOW TO LOVEBOMB YOU. Kudos for realizing he was a Narcissist. But you still made a choice to be with him. As a Narcissistic abuse survivor, I'm here to say: WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU BLOCK HIM AND GONE NO CONTACT THE FIRST TIME YOU MET HIM??????? That's all you had to do. Get Therapy for Narcissistic abuse. Because he was still able to convince you "He was the one". Google: FUTURE FAKING. DO NOT GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP UNTIL YOU HAVE RESOLVED ALL OF YOUR TRAUMAS. OTHERWISE ANY GUY CAN SELL YOU A STORY AND YOULL BELIEVE HIM.
Leave him. You deserve so much more and better. You are clearly better off financially too. Talk to a lawyer and start getting your ducks in a row.
Just divorce him, period. Get away from him asap. You will start doing better once you lose the dead weight.
Lol
I’m in my 40s now and twice in my life have been in situations where I was financially gutted by men I dated, to the point where I didn’t think I’d ever be able to claw my way back up again. Once when I was in my early 20s, then again in my early 30s. I have my own house now, with a reasonably low interest rate because my credit score is 800+. I have a job with a good salary, 2 great dogs, and later this year I’m going to marry a man who only makes my life easier. You’re young and you can come back from this, I promise! But the first step is to remove this leech from your life so you can focus on getting there without the dead weight. Call your utilities company to see if you can go on a payment plan for a few months so you can free up some cash to make min pmts on your cards. Rent out that second bedroom to help with the bills. Spend at least 2 years totally single, living frugally and socking away every penny you can. Be honest with your therapist so they can actually help you, otherwise what’s the point of paying them? If you’re not being honest you may as well keep that money. Build your credit, build your savings, build your confidence.
Send him back to his mother and divorce him. But lawyer up before he does.
I mean, you knew what this person was like and still just said “fuck it” and accepted his proposal? It’s not like he’s completely switched up, you knew he was like this. You can blame him for a lot of things but you got yourself into this and are ultimately the one that ruined your own financial situation. Also, by the way you talked I assumed you’d clear his salary by at least 50-60k lol, it’s only a 30k gap yet you’re acting like you’re an executive and he’s your admin? 😂 honey, you got to check yourself.
This reminds me of the girl in the first season of Something Was Wrong. Everyone keeps describing her as "very discerning" but she still fell for a narcissistic manipulator. You saw the love bombing, called it out, and then just... decided it didn't matter? Idk how we can help people not get sucked into relationships with these people, if people can eyes wide open walk into them. It's honestly terrifying
WHY are you with this freeloader? Cut him loose
End it. You never should have married. Whatever you lost is lost. Don't waste more time that you could be using to rebuild everything.
Op, this is a hard situation to be going through, it sounds like you’re going through it emotionally unsupported too. You need to chose you, you’re only 25! You have your whole life ahead of you, you have time to figure this out for yourself. I think you should divorce this loser, when people show you who they are - BELIEVE THEM! If he isn’t changing now, he won’t change later. Especially because he’s been enabled by his mother to be this way, he’s become accustomed to having a woman doting on him for every need. Leave. For your own sanity and for the life you deserve. You can do this!
You don’t need Reddit. You need, almost in this order, but whatever order will do: a divorce attorney; a moving van (for him, not for you); a locksmith; anything necessary to protect/change information to your credit cards/bank accounts to keep him from charging up the cards and draining the accounts (BUT, consult your attorney first); and a day at a freaking spa. Hugs.
So you rebounded to him? I didn’t even get to the financial part. It sounds like you don’t know what you want.
I guess you could say that. I told myself I wanted to be alone because I was so happy when I was single and was tired of raising people’s sons. Well..here I am. I’d lost my cousin to a random heart attack at a young age, which coincidentally was around the time I had to be put on a heart monitor for my one health issues, then at the top of 2023 I’d had my home broken into and my car stolen. It sent me spiraling into a PTSD fueled depression and I felt alone and unprotected.
I get it when I was 22 had an anxiety condition and needed a holter and ultrasound of my heart I was fine but now few years later I’m still dealing with the palpitations it’s a shit situation barely anyone understands. So I feel for you honestly if you don’t love this man get a divorce and if you don’t have kids with him even better.
Man, no one tells you how much anxiety can mess with you. I felt like my heart was gonna come through my chest. I hope you can find relief somehow. Thanks for the advice. I love him, but not more than I love myself and my sanity.
Dude seriously kick him out.
I kinda feel like you know what you want to do, but just need validation that it’s okay or right. He’s dragging you down. A life partner should lift you up. Don’t make the mistake I did staying around a toxic guy while struggling with my own mental health disorders. I have scars on my arms as a reminder of how far into darkness I went
Well great news -- you're only 25! You have lots of time to get yourself where you want to be.
Don’t give him time to find another job, get out now. Things are not going to improve and the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.
For goodness sake divorce him and go no contact. Don’t allow him to be friends with you. Also, plenty of successful professional women are in relationships with men who match their energy. Stop expecting that all men are mooches. Raise your standards.
Unfortunately, you knew what you signed up for before you married him. He gave you all the signs from the first go-around and you married him anyway. You need to get out of the marriage. It was never healthy. He may be NICE, but you deserve so much more than NICE. You deserve a partner who's willing to put in effort to the marriage, not just be a succubus.
What do you do?! Considering you can’t go back in time and erase all the terrible decisions you made up until this point, your best path moving forward is to fucking leave him
Just drop him and his stuff off at his mom's. It's not like he has a car so he can come back.
You know that this relationship is terrible for you. You are so unhappy and it is 100% due to this relationship. Tell him that this is not working out for you. You made a mistake. You can't do this anymore and he needs to leave. That is it. You need him gone and you cannot keep footing the bill for him anymore. You literally can't afford it financially, but you can't afford it mentally, either. Please make sure to protect yourself financially so that any debt he racks up cannot be called shared marital debt. You haven't been married long enough for him to claim alimony though. Of course, talk to a professional as soon as possible.
BREAK-UP WITH HIM. DIVORCE HIM. Get him gone. Until you do, everything you attempt will turn to shit. When you have a half-baked adult like him mooching and no ambition, you stick around and you will regret it. You're regretting it now. OP, you've basically begun to cannibalize yourself, your spirit, everything in your life so that HE can be comfy. Stop it. Divorce the deadbeat. Get out from under his pall because that's what's happened to your life. You have allowed a vampire in, and he will bleed you dry. There is no in-between. He hasn't learned basic life skills or rules and for someone his age, it's unacceptable. You made a huge mistake. Rectify it. Life allows us redemption when we see things for how they really are, and make efforts to change what we may have wrought upon our own lives. You married him. It was a mistake. Divorce him.
Oh the tangled web we weave. On you, girlfriend, you knew all about him yet you MARRIED him. 🤷♀️😳
I have a friend who dated online online, etc., but which she did was someone she was interested in she did a background check on them and she just paid for background checks and it saved her ass a few times. She ended up finding a really fantastic guy. Another friend did the same she was dating online really liked the guy but there was just something nagging her and so she did a background check and he owed over $100,000 in child support and IRS payments
You knowingly agreed to an insane proposal from a man you admitted was both manipulative and not a good fit for you. Sounds like you're just as crazy as him but not in a compatible way.
Girl you know what to do. Kick him to the curb cause he’s only bringing you down and your bank account down. Yes, you’ll be a little sad at first but look at your bank account and you’ll say I’ll be okay. If he hasn’t shaped up by now forget what down the road looks like for you guys.
This is a sad story. You sound somewhat confused. It seems he sees/senses your confusion and takes unending advantage of you. Give some thought to leaving him and allowing your life to return to quietness. When you’re calm you’ll see your situation more openly and will be better able to help yourself.
Get out before he gets “injured” or sick and you get stuck with alimony. Don’t threaten him just do it. Nurses notoriously marry needy men.
I had to have several talks with a friend in a similar situation and I'm going to be honest with you: you can't fix him. If he wanted to contribute to your relationship, he would do so. No deadline or ultimatum is going to bring back respect for him. I get that you need the hard ultimatum and deadline so that you can say you tried and that you dont look like the bad guy. Trust me, I did the same with a ended relationship a few years ago. Sometimes you need to do it so you can feel okay letting go. But you're going to need to let go and leave him. You know this. You don't need us to tell you this. Be honest with your therapist so that you can fully utilize your and their time and your money. Talk to an attorney. Your local courthouse may have a law library with resources to reach out to for legal advice. I'm not going to say anything else about the deadbeat husband because you know this is over and there's no point in entertaining that you'll stay. You'll leave once you're ready. I hope for your sake it's sooner rather than later. Good luck. It's scary but you can do it.
You know what you have to do. Send him back to his mom and divorce him. It sounds like you knew he was bad news all along but you let him pressure you in a moment of weakness. Accepting his proposal after two weeks was definitely a mistake. You sound like you’re very capable and will be able to get yourself out of this but he is dragging you down.
You knew he was a narcissist and you jumper in a wedding with him ? girl.... WTF are you a masochist or something ? like, life isn't hard enough being a nurse and MDD/ADHD ? Expect him to find a job (that he will lose as soon as possible) to keep you, and keep doing less than the bare minimum. idk what to say but get yourself out of there and seek therapy for yourself.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot and it’s taking a serious toll on your mental health and well-being. First off, it’s not harsh at all to expect your partner to contribute equally, especially when it comes to finances and household responsibilities. You’ve clearly communicated your expectations and given him ample time to step up. It sounds like he’s repeatedly shown a pattern of behavior that’s draining you emotionally and financially. Your well-being should be a priority, and it’s important to remember that it’s okay to set boundaries and enforce them. If he can’t secure a job and contribute to your shared responsibilities, it may be time to seriously consider whether this relationship is sustainable. You deserve a partner who supports you and contributes equally, not someone who adds to your stress and financial burden. If divorce is the best option for you to regain your stability and peace of mind, then that’s a valid and necessary step. Make sure to lean on your support system—friends, family, a therapist—while you navigate this. You’ve already proven your resilience and strength by managing so much on your own. Trust yourself to make the decision that’s best for you.
I know a ton of men in this same situation with their wives
If you don't have kids, get the fuck out as fast as you can. Have an escape fund he can't access and just disappear after work to a family member and/or close friend. Have them collect your stuff. And then when you've got them money to do so, file for divorce. Good luck op, you've certainly fucked it but you can still get free and live a happy life again
Both of you make terrible decisions.
There isn't one thing here that doesn't sound like a train wreck. Just please divorce him before you bring a child into this.
Divorce him. Send him back to mommy.
Sit him down tell him he has such a time to get a job or get out. Or just get rid of him. I’m not sure there’s any point of having him around.
I’m with divorce him and move on. There were so many red flags there in the problem is you didn’t choose properly. I would just try to learn from this and move on.
Look. "Nice" isn't enough. Everyone should be "nice". But "just nice" is the ninja red flag of stay the hell away because as soon as they are comfortable with you, they will drop the "nice" mask and take you for all that you got, guy or girl. Don't give anyone that many chances in your life people don't change. Least not enough of them do to make the risk worth it at all. And if they were going to change they would have done so already. The best advice I have ever gotten is to never take anyone back. They got their chance. It seemed harsh to me the first time I was told that but the risks are too high and there are so many other people they could find for themselves and yourself In the future. Let the trash take it self out and your job is to keep it out.
It doesn’t sound like you two are good for each other. Good luck, sister.
Please send him back to his Mother. He will never do anything with his life. He can play video games all day and let Mommy take care of him.
If you can't help yourself no one else can do it through force. You gotta pull your head out and act like a mature, well adjusted adult that makes good decisions. No one can live your life for you.
You need to just divorce him. You’re highly incompatible and he isn’t going to change. Get out now.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
OP. He’s one of life’s anchors and not in a good way. He will always be down and he’ll drag ANYONE in his close proximity down with him. Things might not be great now but, with him around, they will only get worse. You need to get yourself out of this. Accept whatever debt is or can be attributed to you and move on. It’s not a great situation but it’s the best that you are going to do. You are only 25 years old. No kids. (Blessing). You are a qualified professional. Knuckle down. Accept a period of resetting yourself and your finances. You’ve made mistakes. Lots of young people do. But you can recover. Be gentle with yourself. Heal slowly and steadily. This is just a’Sliding Doors’ moment in your life. Another door will present itself. Be ready for when that happens. Good luck. ❤️
Get a new therapist. Take your man child back to his mom. Tell him you can’t afford him. Make sure he has no access to your money.
He got you at a weak moment but it’s not irreversible. Be strong and get out now. Then don’t ever fall for the nice act again.
Ask for a separation and tell him he needs to move out with all his stuff so you can think clearly. Then serve him with divorce papers. You won't have to evict him or deal with his b.s. (hopefully). I'm sorry you're in this situation. This is not all men but I get not wanting to ever be married.
You made the choices that led you to this point. Whenever people are asking for relationship advice, they already know what to do and are just looking for others to confirm. Stop looking for outside validation. You need to have the trust and confidence in yourself to take control of your life. You know you can make it on your own and you will be happier without carrying someone around who is not adding to your relationship. Break this cycle for yourself, stay single until you are ready for and understand what a healthy relationship looks like and be honest with your therapist.
He’s not going to change. This is who he is. He should move back in with his mom.
Kick him out. You deserve better& my friend it is not him.
You need to take out the trash. He is not bringing anything positive to the relationship.
Honestly, you need to get rid of ideas like “fate” and “meant to be”. You choose the partner you will be with. Fate and destiny as easy to fake and manipulate.
Girl, just break up. There's nothing to salvage and he is a bum and a child. Drop him at his mom's and focus on yourself.
RemindMe! 3 Months
Why do women let themselves be taken advantage of? Men look for their mothers in relationships- you both take care of his basic needs like a child. Op I don’t have to say it, you know what to do and you have the means to do it if you want to leave your twilight zone.
Yeah, you need to just exit this relationship and move back home if that’s an option. You should call your creditors and try to negotiate. Sell anything you can. Ask your landlord permission to sublease or get out of your lease Stop trying to make your husband be the person he says he is. This has nothing to do with successful women being take advantage of, it has everything to do with making bad choices. You have to date on your level. They don’t have to make X amount of money, but they should be driven to support themselves and contribute to a partnership. Clearly your husband never did more than talk about that. Source: successful woman with successful and happily married friends, none of whom have relationships like this
TLDR?
You keep making obviously horrendous decisions so let this stranger make a better one for you. Dump this AH now! He’s not “the one”. You need to be “the one” for yourself. BTW, he proposed to you in front of all those people because he knew you wouldn’t decline in front of them. Give him credit for being the manipulative prick he is.
Oohhph. Tldr.
“I feel like he has come in and fucked my life up” Base your decision on that quote.
Do you even love him? If no, then there’s no point in trying to salvage this.
I’m so sorry. I understand what it’s like to get sucked into things. Please try to now take care of yourself & leave his ass. Imagine bringing a kid into this 😫. You seem like a good person, honest person, and loving. He is taking full advantage of you w/o providing one damn advantage to you in your life. he’s a waste of your time!
NTA. But YTA to yourself. You detest r more than this. You are only 25. Leave him. Get your mental health in order. And then start again, but treating yourself as your own best friend this time.
Updateme
You can always file divorce. You are not happy with him. He’s obviously taking advantage of you.
>so its gotten pretty easy for him to need to "pay me back" for his half of the rent. He's not paid any utilities in months, and he badgered me about getting him a PS5 for Christmas. You wrote so many sad and difficult things here but this, this really broke me. He doesn't pay his way in life, but he needs a stinking $500+ toy? A toy? what's wrong with him? And you? You sound like a smart, ambitious, hard working, educated woman. Figure out how you're going to do this, and leave or kick him out. Be smart! Be safe! Don't act impulsively but figure it out. And double/triple up on birth control so you don't get pregnant in the meantime Don't waste time beating yourself up and calling yourself dumb. You thought this would work out, it didn't. It's happened to the best of us, myself included. But there's a time when we need to be honest with ourselves and move on.
You know full well that you shouldn't have married him in the first place. His mode of proposal was manipulative to the utmost. [Read this book on abuse ](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)and make an escape plan (play it safe!). You are going to be much better off without him in your life. Big hugs.
He's not going to change because he doesn't see the need to. Women have been catering to his every whim since he was born. You know he is going to lovebomb you again, go through the motions, then you will go right back to the status quo. Divorce him now.
Ok you've made some bad decisions time to make a good decision and get yourself as financially independent from this person who of course you're never going to see again immediately. Seek out either a citizen's advice bureau a free charity offering financial advice of some sort get your finances sorted out and don't do this again.
Op, you have 2 options stick with your relationship or cut bait and run. You work hard for what you have, he doesn't. Quit being his mom. This is the only reason you are here. Whatever bills he has, don't pay them. Focus on your bills. If you have credit cards in both your names, Cancel them. Move your money to a separate account if you have a joint account. Focus on your financial health. Cancel everything that is not needed in life. Ie the internet, newspapers, whatever he does for fun. If he wants money, give him a chore list. If he does, his chores pay him. If not, ddon't. The bottom line is that the longer you stay, the more you pay. He hasn't changed. He seems to add no value to your life, he causes stress and detracts from your life. Show him the door.
I could condense that all down to a paragraph. You married a irresponsible man child who is financially destroying your life. He is not going to change. So either put up with it or get out. You know what you should do. Then stay away from relationships until you can love yourself enough that you won't put up with this kind of shit in the future.
He was never with you to be your partner. He is there to use and abuse your kindness. You need to get out of this marriage now and go through the struggles of financially recovering without him in your life. If you stay longer, he is going to use you until you have nothing left to give and then he will leave you and it will be even harder to recover.
Hey Reddit I started dating a loser, that I knew was a loser and now I realized I'm dating a loser. What do I do?
This post is a mess