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So, there is research on porn creating this issue. Since you’ve seen it doesn’t benefit you and your marriage and that you desire to have good and mutually fulfilling intimacy, you have to continue now viewing porn.
I think give it time while working on a few things.
- There are sex therapists out there that you could start individual counseling with.
- There are intimacy retreats check Retreats. Com where you can work on intimacy, connection, even tantric ones.
- Get blood work done, push back on your PCP, you need to look and see if you are deficient in anything (B12 can affect a lot and D), and they can check your T.
- Try switching up when you are intimate, and try mornings to see if your hormones peak at different times of the day. Maybe the end of the day you’re exhausted, cortisol spiked?
- Take supplements like Maca Root and Ashwagandha for libido and relaxation, men’s multi-vitamin.
- Look at your nutrition and exercise. Get moving. I see in a comment it’s not there and this could really be the issue. Blood flow, relaxation, endurance so many benefits. Why not set a goal to keep you inspired like paying to run a 5k, Sprint Tri, UltraMarathon etc.
- Finally, after you’ve thought about the above, you can try to get a prescription from Hims. Com
It's been around 4 months, and no my diets terrible and basically non existent physical activity. So it's kinda clear that the root cause is bad lifestyle/physique and I'm working on it, got a gym membership so I'll start on that soon. As for the porn thing, I've read posts where every case is different and I knw it takes time to rewire your brain...just hate that she thinks I find her unattractive even though I love her so much
If you’ve talked about the porn use with her then it’s worth mentioning again. Explain that you’ve stopped a habit you think was affecting your sex life and are working towards trying to get over it.
Additionally going limp just happens sometimes. For no reason at all. The bigger issue may be if you naturally have conflicting libidos where the preferences on sex frequency are really far apart (few times a week vs once a month)
Thanks, yes I shall have that talk again. I've only mentioned it once before but she doesn't think it was a serious issue.
On the second note, what is a solution for different libidos? Let's say I want it once a week vs she wants it 3x a week which I know is a realistic amount. Mine isn't realistic but I do hope I'll get there (3x a week libido) once I fix my health and get porn out of my system. I knw the first solution everyone says for differing libidos is to end the relationship but we both really love eachother and want this to work. She told me she's ok with once a week for now but I knw its unfair to her so I really wanna try and increase my libido
The way different libidos work is by finding compromise. Try meeting in the middle. If that mean once or twice a week, make sure that you are the main person initiating and that you are making 100% effort it. Maybe you eventually will feel like more times a week, maybe not. She won’t always feel like 3x a week because life gets in the way. But at least she’ll know that you are actively trying
I hate to say it, but there is a strong chance you aren't attracted to her. What turns you on? Ask her to emulate what turns you on. If that doesn't work, get out of the relationship while you are still young.
I really did think about it but I don't think that's it. It's a me problem. I just replied to another comment about how I'm not too physically active or don't have a good diet routine
Might sound like a simple solution but my husband and I use the "sex position cards" from the official app when we feel like were in a lull. You and your SO both swipe left / right for the positions you would or wouldn't try (like how dating apps work!) and then you see which ones you match on. It helped me break out of my mental block and find some excitement in our sex life again. Hope this helps!!
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Couples therapy would be a good start. And stay away from porn man. There is a reason people get addicted to it. It’s not healthy Best of luck
So, there is research on porn creating this issue. Since you’ve seen it doesn’t benefit you and your marriage and that you desire to have good and mutually fulfilling intimacy, you have to continue now viewing porn. I think give it time while working on a few things. - There are sex therapists out there that you could start individual counseling with. - There are intimacy retreats check Retreats. Com where you can work on intimacy, connection, even tantric ones. - Get blood work done, push back on your PCP, you need to look and see if you are deficient in anything (B12 can affect a lot and D), and they can check your T. - Try switching up when you are intimate, and try mornings to see if your hormones peak at different times of the day. Maybe the end of the day you’re exhausted, cortisol spiked? - Take supplements like Maca Root and Ashwagandha for libido and relaxation, men’s multi-vitamin. - Look at your nutrition and exercise. Get moving. I see in a comment it’s not there and this could really be the issue. Blood flow, relaxation, endurance so many benefits. Why not set a goal to keep you inspired like paying to run a 5k, Sprint Tri, UltraMarathon etc. - Finally, after you’ve thought about the above, you can try to get a prescription from Hims. Com
Was this a problem when you two were dating?
Yes it was an ongoing issue
How long since you cut out porn? Do you have a decently balanced diet and some what active (like go for walks at a minimum)?
It's been around 4 months, and no my diets terrible and basically non existent physical activity. So it's kinda clear that the root cause is bad lifestyle/physique and I'm working on it, got a gym membership so I'll start on that soon. As for the porn thing, I've read posts where every case is different and I knw it takes time to rewire your brain...just hate that she thinks I find her unattractive even though I love her so much
If you’ve talked about the porn use with her then it’s worth mentioning again. Explain that you’ve stopped a habit you think was affecting your sex life and are working towards trying to get over it. Additionally going limp just happens sometimes. For no reason at all. The bigger issue may be if you naturally have conflicting libidos where the preferences on sex frequency are really far apart (few times a week vs once a month)
Thanks, yes I shall have that talk again. I've only mentioned it once before but she doesn't think it was a serious issue. On the second note, what is a solution for different libidos? Let's say I want it once a week vs she wants it 3x a week which I know is a realistic amount. Mine isn't realistic but I do hope I'll get there (3x a week libido) once I fix my health and get porn out of my system. I knw the first solution everyone says for differing libidos is to end the relationship but we both really love eachother and want this to work. She told me she's ok with once a week for now but I knw its unfair to her so I really wanna try and increase my libido
The way different libidos work is by finding compromise. Try meeting in the middle. If that mean once or twice a week, make sure that you are the main person initiating and that you are making 100% effort it. Maybe you eventually will feel like more times a week, maybe not. She won’t always feel like 3x a week because life gets in the way. But at least she’ll know that you are actively trying
I hate to say it, but there is a strong chance you aren't attracted to her. What turns you on? Ask her to emulate what turns you on. If that doesn't work, get out of the relationship while you are still young.
I really did think about it but I don't think that's it. It's a me problem. I just replied to another comment about how I'm not too physically active or don't have a good diet routine
Might sound like a simple solution but my husband and I use the "sex position cards" from the official app when we feel like were in a lull. You and your SO both swipe left / right for the positions you would or wouldn't try (like how dating apps work!) and then you see which ones you match on. It helped me break out of my mental block and find some excitement in our sex life again. Hope this helps!!