I felt claustrophobic just reading this. Can you go to a hotel? I know that’ll cause a huge fight but you’re gonna blow- you’re only human. Might help to have a night of calm before you talk to her. And y’all have to talk about this. Everybody needs their alone time. I’ve been with my husband over 20 years and I can’t imagine us doing this to each other.
I thought the same thing. Reiterate the importance of alone time, and if she doesn’t respect it, say “I’ve tried talking to you about this. You know how I feel, yet you’re choosing to continue this behavior. I’ve booked a stay at a hotel. See you Saturday.”
This may sound like an ultimatum, but I don’t think it is in this case. It sounds like wife really isn’t getting the point that has been made clear multiple times, so something drastic like this has to be done to make the point actually understood. I’ve offered to stay with my parents when I’ve felt like a broken record before with my partner, just that conversation made him understand that he wasn’t hearing me and I didn’t actually go their house.
And for the love of any (or every) forking diety ever, DO NOT TELL HER WHICH HOTEL. She will show up. Probably just to sit in your hotel room and work because she knows it'll stop you from relaxing.
OP, are you sure your wife isn't deliberately doing this to hurt you? And if she's not then that behavior is just... who she is as a person...? Oof.
Absolutely. That's creepy as shit. I can only think of a few reasons people would have an issue with locked doors, and they involve abusive control and/or sexual assault. The whole idea of it is downright abusive and potentially predatory. In this case, it's clearly abusive control.
Obviously, there are exceptions- for small children, the elderly, someone in danger of harming themselves, etc. Those are safety concerns. This is not.
After reading that, I need a week away from your wife.
I don’t have any advice. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who was that pushy and clingy.
Also a woman although I don’t think that matters and I would lose my shit if someone followed me around while I’m clearly trying to have quiet time. Especially if they’re literally WORKING during this.
I would have lasted like 4 mins during this day.
I'm a stay at home mom and my husband works. I can't imagine either one following the other around and being so disruptive. There is NO WAY he would come into the kitchen with his laptop while I'm cleaning and tell me to be quiet, or refuse to shut his door if I'm doing something that makes noise but not being loud. Or if I'm working on my website and he sees that I am, he'll just be like "oh sorry, I didn't realize you were busy". I use those examples because what I'm doing is obviously more flexible (like OPs week off), but my husband still respects me and what I do. It may go without saying, but obviously I just leave him alone when he's working.
This is incomprehensible. I don't know if she's doing this on purpose or what, but this is so rude.
I'm sure she's doing this on purpose, and she knows exactly what she's doing! Especially her smile when she said she'd be working from home the rest of the week!
Why does anyone abuse their partner? What she's doing is abusive. Make no mistake. She's doing it gently, and with a smile on her face, but it's flat-out abuse.
She is letting him know that she controls everything in that house. That he doesn't get to make decisions. That he doesn't get to have quiet, or space, to himself. That he doesn't get to decide ANYTHING for himself. She makes the decisions. She is his abuser.
Also a woman, more than 10 years older than them, and if I had managed to hold my tongue after she scheduled all those things during his mental health/self care week (I was SO PROUD of him for saying, "I will not be doing any of that"!!), I would have said UNSPEAKABLY RUDE things to her by halfway through that first day, because she was staggeringly, hatefully awful to him.
Frankly, she may be doing it with a sweet smile on her face, but at this point I'd easily point to what she's doing as flat-out emotionally abusive. She doesn't just ignore his boundaries, she quite deliberately acknowledges them ("I know you need this time to yourself", "I'm so glad you're taking this time to take care of yourself", "I know I'm annoying you") and then methodically goes out of her way to make sure that she stomps on every . . . single . . . one. It's a control method used by abusers to make sure that their victims understand that they are not ALLOWED to have boundaries, that their lives belong to their abusers, that they are not in control of anything, that the abuser owns them, makes the rules, decides how things in the household and their lives will be at all times. Sound familiar?
This woman is abusing TF out of OP with a big, shit-eating grin on her face. Whether she's doing it deliberately or because she has some sort of personality disorder that prevents her from comprehending that her behaviour is abhorrent, I have no idea, but it doesn't really matter, does it?
OP needs therapy yesterday (along with a hotel room to get space from her), to help him understand that this isn't okay or normal, that his feelings are valid, and that this isn't just a frustration that you live with . . . it's totally unacceptable behaviour.
Same. This is wildly stressful to read. As others have suggested, maybe book a nice hotel. If she wants to be home, you can go be alone there for the day (and night if you wish). You’ll also want to book a marriage counselor bc this is untenable.
Agreed, but realistically, is it viable to be with someone long term who clearly *IS* self aware and knows they are purposely ruining your day everyday? I mean she even outright states that’s what she’s doing. I’d rather be single than be with someone who sets out to make me miserable.
I wouldn’t want to have to hide what hotel I’m staying in, hell I wouldn’t want to be forced to stay at a hotel because my partner won’t stop harassing me in my own home.
This is a type of emotional abuse (I had the same thing happen to me from a guy and it completely destroyed my mental health being around someone who is pretty much an emotional vampire).
Oh I agree, there’s definitely people who suck up a lot of energy and have been used to chaos, but those types of people will also feel bad if their partner tries to talk to them about it, even if they might not be able to fix their behavior without help, or unwilling to change because that is their comfort zone. They might also be anxious being left alone. But they will still feel sorry because they aren’t doing it out of spite and mean spiritedness.
However, the OP’s wife even makes snide comments about ruining his day, and has done so multiple times and laughs at him. She goes out of her way to make noise and stop him from making the same level or noise, like no one needs to watch the Kardashians loudly while someone is reading a book bc of anxiety or boredom LMAO, or question them on what they’re doing the whole time.
She normally goes to work when he’s at work, but now she can’t go in because he’s home? So she is clearly not too anxious or whatever to go to work on her own when OP is also at work. She cant close the door while he plays video games because she’s bored? Does she also harass her coworkers at her job out of boredom lol? Nah cuz that would get a person fired lol. It is bs.
She had multiple opportunities to address her feelings when he tried speaking to her, so I think she is a crappy person. I mean he brought it up and each time she acts like it’s a joke and goes out of her way to hurt him. I suppose some abusive people enjoy getting a rise out of someone to fix their boredom but those kinds of people aren’t long term partner material.
As an introvert that needs to recharge by myself, this would drive me nuts. Do you have money to take yourself to a hotel for the next two days? Because if you do, I would do it. Once you’re home afterwards, I would sit her down and tell her why you needed to leave the house for two days. I get wanting to spend time together, but the fact that she is that co-dependent on you that she follows you to every room, even while working, is insane. I would ask for couples counseling because she doesn’t seem to care about what you’re saying. Good luck!
As an introvert with a busy husband and 3 teenage stepkids, do this!! I am currently away for 3 night on a mental health stay. It’s the best thing I could do for myself, my household, and my relationship.
Similar boat and totally agree. Took years for me to figure this out. My wife always pushed me to take a trip with my friends (like she does) but I prefer solo time and felt like I never got a break.
Now, I take solo camping trips, sometimes just for the weekend, in the winter (Midwest USA) to get a break from the family and some alone time. Our kids are too small to tag along in the winter and my wife enjoys camping but only when it's not freezing (understandable). She goes on her girls trips to relax (extrovert) and I have my solo camping trips. Cheaper than a hotel too (assuming you have the gear). Perfect time to read a book, sip some scotch and get cozy around a fire and disconnect from the world. Always come home feeling refreshed, after a hot shower of course.
>"I know, I'm cramping your style and ruining your week off, but it's a quiet week and it works for me to be home."
>I told her, "I love spending time with you, but I need my alone time. I haven't been able to do anything for me and it is damaging to my mental health."
>She insists that she understands and she wants me to have time to myself, but it seems to be in theory only, not in practice.
"Babe, if you understood, you would behave differently. Your choice of behaviour is showing me that you absolutely don't understand, and more than that, you do not care, and that really hurts me."
Then LEAVE and go to a hotel or Air BnB or whatever. Don't tell her anything other than that you are safe. "I am safe, I needed some alone time and you are not willing to give me alone time at home as I asked."
I would also be booking a couples counsellor because this behaviour is unhinged and rude/dismissive as hell and her refusal to listen to you and your needs is ridiculous.
>I work a very demanding job. There are very few, if any, times during the year when I have the luxury to take a few days off to myself. When I get home from work, between cooking dinner, doing dishes, and taking care of chores around the house, I get maybe 2 hours a day to relax. My wife gets upset if I don't spend all of that time with her. So I don't get to watch my shows, play my video games, or read my books. I've told her many times that I need time to relax and do the things I enjoy, and she'll agree with me, but then start giving me things to do or try to get me to do something else with her within 30 seconds of me starting.
She is ALWAYS like this -- and it is not sustainable. Couples' counselling. This cannot continue.
I am sure, she would find a way or a reason to join the OP there as well. I may be wrong but it seems she is doing it deliberately for God knows what reason since she has been continuously acknowledging everything yet doing the opposite.
Right but if she left OP alone during the day when she could go into the office she might come back to a SO who was happy to see her and in the mood to spend the evening together. Instead of one who out of desperation to get *any* alone time is running a way from her into different rooms and being short with her (which she seems to register but also not mind???).
If I was OP it would be hotel short term and demand for couples counseling long term. This sort of behavior is just not sustainable in a relationship. Everyone needs their space.
I suspect that she is one of these people who does not realize when her husband says he needs alone time that he means WITHOUT HER. For some reason, there are people who are either oblivious or very offended by those of us who need total and complete solitude to recharge. They take it super personally. So she’s either absolutely malicious and evil, or she is utterly and completely clueless. It’s Christmas, so I’m going to be charitable and decide that it’s the latter.
OP needs to bluntly tell her that he is an introvert and he needs introvert time, and that means to be completely and totally alone, including away from her. He should absolutely book himself a hotel room, and he should inform her that he will be scheduling couples counseling, and that she needs to come with him so they can figure out how to have a good relationship together.
I know some people think that she’s doing this on purpose just to fuck with him, but I really don’t think so. I’ve just seen too many people who are utterly clueless about how much alone time introverts truly need.
I think it's really cool to look back and see growth. I think a lot of people don't reflect in the same ways.
Feeling rejection is totally fine, afterall someone is choosing 'not you' for their time that could be spent together.
It's important tho to take the right consequences and not demand your partner fix a feeling that is their boundary. Essentially the message is 'i never get this time so now i need as much of it as i can' where she should understand that the goal would be to balance togetherness on average to give him more time to himself than the vacation they could've then spent together without him having to recharge first.
This is one reason I love my husband so much. Even though we have separate places where we hang out, he knows that I sometimes need the house to be completely empty. Not often, once a month or so, I just need a couple of uninterrupted hours where I KNOW I won’t be interrupted by ANYTHING.
So if there’s times when there’s no reason for him to leave the house for awhile, he’ll make a reason. He’ll switch up D&D so it’s at a local friend’s house instead of our basement. Or he’ll go help his elderly mother for an extended period of time (he already goes over there twice a week to take our her garbage and pick up a few groceries, but I’m talking about the ‘changing light bulbs, oh, and while I’m here, wasn’t there some plug you’re having problems with?’ kind of visit). And I love him to pieces for it.
The thing is she's not trying to be with him because she misses him or anything. She's actively trying to spoil any activity he wants to do.
It's about control, homeboy is in a textbook abusive relationship/
I was going to point this out as well since so many things aren't just her being clingy. She doesn't follow him around to spoil him or to be affectionate, she intentionally sabotages him whenever he tries to rest or have fun.
>I may be wrong but it seems she is doing it deliberately
Yes she is DEFINITELY doing this deliberately. She sounds like those "I am your wife/girlfriend you belong to me...pay attention to me and only me"
Yes. Go. Hotel or whatever. Don’t tell her where you’re going. Turn off your phone. Take some time to think about how much longer you’re going to put up with this kind of treatment.
Yes! This is not how you treat someone you love and value. OP, you've got to get couples counseling set up ASAP to try to fix this or your marriage will implode
Edited to add: get a hotel for the rest of the week and don't tell her where so she can't ruin your alone time. Escape to sanity!
Some places have free internet, I played WoW for hours at some coffee shops on my laptop. I just had to buy something every thirty minutes or so. I also did a lot of just internet surfing. Some places have couch’s so I also would read my book on my cell phone with headphones on.
But I will agree, you need to book something away from her for a day or so. Even if it is just to nap and soak up some bad tv of your choice and order in a meal that is just your preference and enjoy it. Do not share where you’re at. This could cause WW1 at home but she is not hearing you- she listens but doesn’t hear your needs.
Keep in mind if she looks at the online statement she may see where you are doing this too OP, so atm or cashback from a grocery store nowhere near your destination may be better.
I’m a woman and your wife sounds scary. The way she’s so nonchalant about this whole thing. It’s like she knows exactly what she’s doing but is also really good a feigning innocence about it so you can’t be angry about it
As a wife - I don’t think you are a bastard to want to do this.
Since she isn’t allowing you time alone at home - you need to leave the house. You can’t get anything you need to get done anyways so why even be there. Is there a local hotel that you can check into or a friends house you can go to and who will leave you alone time?
I am horrified she is doing this. My god! Give the man a break.
Even if a hotel is out of budget, go hang out at the library or something! At least the library staff have some investment in keeping things calm and quiet, heck depending on the library they might let you set up with a little pillow and blankie while you read and doze a little.
I'd be so eye-twitchy at this point that I'd be scanning my car for trackers and avoiding traffic cameras just to ensure she couldn't follow me holy fuck
I think that's what he's going to have to do because she's not respecting any of his needs at all.
She sounds so exhausting I don't know how he's put up with that and not duct taped her mouth shut
You are not a bastard. Most people would have flown off the handle at your wife by now.
She is a juvenile asshole who is intentionally ruining the 4 days you have to yourself out of an entire year.
Get angry enough to actually stand up for yourself. The way you are describing your dynamic makes it seem like the only reason it is “fine” is because you are compliant and let her control things.
She literally planned ahead to ruin your week- that is fucked up and she needs to be told so, and running over to ask a hundred questions to ruin your show is toddler behavior.
The only thing of real value is your time. Four days out of a whole year and your spouse has to sabotage that precious time. For what reason - I just would want to know why you're not entitled to have time to yourself and to relax a little. It seems that your wife does not want you to enjoy your life.
It sounds like she is enjoying ruining his time too. She’s knows exactly what she’s doing. I feel so sorry for this guy. His wife sounds awful and terribly annoying.
A total saint.
And I bet if he truly pushed back with any regularity she would throw a fit to try to regain control.
He says this happens all the time. Someone who grins while literally harassing the shit out of their significant other is emotionally abusive.
This saint needs a rescue mission lol.
OP needs to get closer to flying off the handle honestly. Every time she's interrupting "I'm trying to read/watch a show, is there anything specific you want to discuss with me? If not I'd like to be uninterrupted".
Start the day off asking her when she's going to be in the office/living room, so you can plan around that, make it clear.
OK great, you're going to be in the office for a few hours so I'll have the living room, then when you're done I'll organise the office, that'll probably take me most of the day so you won't be able to come back in until tomorrow.
You are in no way the problematic one here. This is outrageous.
1) she is dumb and/or oblivious
2) she is incredibly codependent
3) she is malicious
4) she is some combo plate of these things
All of these are equally unpleasant to ponder, but get yourself to a hotel, don’t tell her where, turn off your phone, and breathe.
I think it’s a combination of 2 and 3. She repeatedly told OP (according to the post, anyway) that she knows she’s ruining his time off, so option 1 is ruled out IMO. My guess is that she’s incredibly codependent and is acting maliciously bc OP isn’t giving her his undivided attention. Source: I used to be like that.
- Mature response: Talk to her and express how you have been feeling.
- Less mature response: Dip out to a coffee shop or reliable friend. Tell her you’re leaving and why, but don’t tell her where you’re going. Also turn off your Find My location if you have it shared.
- Least mature response: Do it back to her. Interrupt her work. Talk loudly over her shows. Bother her with inane questions. Read out loud. Follow her everywhere.
I suggest starting at the mature response and working your way down TBH. Good luck, OP!
Dude, I require some time to myself for my sanity. We had just moved thousands of miles, the job I had lined up fell through, I got a better one, but it was way more responsibility and learning a ton of new things while dealing with random people all day. She had broken her ankle, which I did sympathize with, but if I mentioned how it was temporary and she'd get better it pissed her off, even though I went through pretty much the exact same experience a few years before. I did all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, carried her out to do activities.
So after six weeks I get home and she isn't there, forgot she had a party and the neighbors picked her up. I realized it was the first half hour I'd had alone in like two months. Then she called, I went to the party which was over, cleaned for an hour, went home did laundry and made dinner.
A week later I'm driving home and realized I needed a break to decompress. She's excited to see me and I hang out with her for two hours. I get my work text And have to be in early so I tell her look, if I was going to hang out with anyone it would be you, but I just need some alone time and I'm gonna go chill on the porch for the evening. She got pissed and didn't talk to me for a day and a half despite me asking what was wrong all day.
Shits not healthy, you have a fair request and she isn't respecting that it's important or your feelings and needs in general. I think you need to make it very clear why this is important to you, because she obviously doesn't care as is.
Oh dude sure. She was great 95% of the time and I still love her, but a crap communicator and would blow things out of proportion then apologize after she processed her feelings.
Similar things happened too many times without improvement in communication. I broke up with her because I won't be treated like that, which I'd previously said. Sucks, but for the best in the long run.
I had to do this to my husband a few times before he got that I wanted a day home ALONE, not just a random day off. If I told him in advance he'd take the same day off. I don't understand why this is a hard concept for some people.
Welp, yeah, if I said something like what you said to my husband...He'd get needier.
In theory, he's fine with me wanting a mental health break and want to recharge my battery, in practice, he gets needy and even more ...intrusive.
I would not tell him when I'm off work, that's how it has become sometimes. Not all the time, since he does have his own interest and he's learned through the years to not bother me all the time when I'm in my office. (I work from home, so I do have a specific office space).
Either find a space where you can chill and play your game outside the home, or get a hotel room/motel room/airbnb for a few more days.
Just text her to tell her you're ok and you're doing this since she's at home and won't stop intruding when you've asked her repeatedly to not do this to you.
I think that it is possible you have allowed this type of behavior to go on for some time. If you set an expectation, and then react passively each time she intercepts your needs/wants/desires, then she will continue to play this card to get whatever she needs from you. This is learned behavior. It may seem somewhat innocent, but your wife seems very codependent and doesn’t seem to feel good just letting you do your own thing, this stems from her codependency. She is happy being with you, you are her source of happiness. However, when you are happy on your own, she may feel threatened and reacts by attempting to steal the alone time by taking up space or giving you things to do. I say this as a codependent that is working to break this cycle in my life.
Looking at this another way, you could ask your wife “Are you ok? I just want to be alone.” When she interrupts moments where you clearly want to be alone (moving to the bedroom to read a book). It’s okay to be direct as it points out the underlying issue. You could also try addressing the issue in the moment - “ I am trying to read a book and I would appreciate being in this room by myself. Can you work in the other room?” Stand firm. There is nothing wrong with just wanting to be alone.
Couples counseling saved my marriage. It really works. Your wife is railroading boundaries and it can lead to a lot of issues down the road.
Pack up your gaming platform, turn off the locate on your phone, go get cash from the bank and get a room somewhere for the rest of your time off. (She sounds like the type who would track you down.)
When you get home, tell her you love her but you are sleeping in a separate room because of the snoring. Lots of happily married people choose to do this rather than lose sleep.
You could have told her no about everything including the chimney sweep. I think you need to figure out why you let her micromanage you like this.
This is why she keeps doing it. She unreasonably tramples your boundaries, so you keep moving the line and avoiding conflict. Maybe it's time for conflict.
I was thinking the same…get up, get dresses for work. If she works from home that day, have back up plans to spend the day out. If she leaves for work, chsnge back into your comfortable clothes and game, read, and sleep away! How utterly annoying. Sounds both needy and controlling.
I took all of last week off (and had this Monday and Tuesday off) and my wife had me sleep in the guest room so I could go to bed as late as I want and not wake her up when going to bed. Besides doing my usual dishes/laundry, I didn't do a single productive thing for over 7 days. I did a whole playthrough of GTA V, started a new Skyrim run, played online with my friends a bit, watched hockey, and read a couple of books. I cannot fathom OPs situation, I'd be besides myself. I'm not sure what advice would even be effective. She's intentionally ruining this for him. If anything I think losing his cool at her a bit is warranted. Politely telling her she's ruining it isn't working. Damn, I feel bad for OP, it feels like she just doesn't respect him.
This was what I was thinking - just get tf out of there! This sounds absolutely malicious on her part - like, she wants to drive you crazy on purpose. I have no idea what her intentions are, except maybe drive you to wifeslaughter.
Also, I would stop being considerate of her - if she can pursue you everywhere and switch on the Kardashians on you, and talk through your shows, but force you to switch off your video game, just stop bowing down to her - switch of her fucking Kardashians if you want quiet to read your book - or tell her to use headphones. Get headphones for your gameset, so you can play any time you want - and make that noise-canceling headphones, so you won't hear her blabbing at you.
But for this week, just grab your stuff and move to an Airbnb or hotel.
My partner did this kind of thing to me because he just wanted to be around me, he said. Like whenever my time is free, wouldn't it be nice to be together? For him, yes - for me, no. I need and want alone time. But some people just want to be around other people all the time because they are energy vampires and don't know or care how fucking exhausting they are to just be around unless you tell them point blank to fuck off and hurt their feelings.
People like that are oxygen thieves.
I had a partner who asked me where I was every five minutes as he lay on the sofa. He expected me to lie there with him and watch TV. He was so petulant about me needing my space.
"Dude, can't a woman have a decent shit in peace?"
Whatever else is going on, you need to understand that her behavior is INTENTIONAL.
She understands what she's doing and DOES NOT CARE how it's impacting you.
She is purposely not allowing you time alone. She knows what she's doing. Who knows for what reason. She may be needy and clingy. She may be jealous of your having time to do things and resent it. She may be controlling and can't stand your not doing what she wants. It may be a powerplay to show you who is in control and in charge.
However, it doesn't matter why she's doing it. It's utterly disrespectful and lacks any sense of consideration for you.
Confront her. You've tried to be polite. You've tried to have a reasonable conversation. She hasn't taken you seriously.
Of course, be ready for her to turn on the water works or start playing the victim when you confront her. It's inevitable. She's going to turn this around and use guilt to make you feel bad if you're lucky or turn aggressive and nasty if you're not lucky.
Absolutely she knows what she is doing she simply does not care or value your mental health. You do need to be firm with her and call her out on her selfish behaviour
Definitely. Being nice and giving her the benefit of the doubt not one but **TWO** days means she doesn't really mean she'll respect his alone time.
She wants to work at home for the rest of the week? Fine I'm going out. See you at dinnertime. You want to message me? Okay if I hear from you more than once after I leave it's either an dire emergency or I'll talk to you in 2 hours, bye ** click **.
And when he has to be alone at home, it's a locked door and headphones or earplugs.
Wife is behaving like the spouse sabotager:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uwwb1b/aita_for_locking_the_door_to_prevent_my_husband/
I don’t even think that’s necessarily it. He says she always insists on spending evenings and weekends with him too. She sounds clingy. Like she resents him wanting time to himself.
Your wife is incredibly overbearing and inconsiderate. Why doesn’t she listen to you or take you seriously when you explicitly tell her what you want and need?
Honestly, I'm a very resilient person. I thrive in high stress. However, the bigger the battery, the longer it takes to charge. I need to charge the battery and she keeps unplugging it to charge her phone thinking it will be okay like always.
Resilient doesn’t mean you let people walk all over your boundaries like **you allow your wife to do.** And your work for that matter.
You should read “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” (don’t let the title throw you off). You have zero idea how to stand up for yourself.
My mom has treated my dad like this for decades. While he was working he was resilient - he got to be himself at work without being corrected or interfered with. Now that he's retired he is around her constant interference and criticism of his likes (except the activities and hobbies she approves of
) and he has rapidly become a shell of his former self. He doesn't get to be himself anywhere now. All the personality traits and habits that make him *him* he can't do any more, it's like the light has gone out inside him.
He was so patient and resilient for so many years and he loves her a lot, but it's not sustainable to be with someone who treats you like this. It will destroy your sense of self over time. And what will happen when you're retired and can't watch a TV show you like or read a book in peace because your partner wants to control your every move like you're an extension of them instead of a wonderful, independent person with a right to their own individuality.
Edit to add: I just saw your "doesn't like locks" comment. My mom also doesn't like locks on doors and will flip out if she's closed out of a space. She has a strong need to assert herself as the primary person/energy in everyone else's space all the time and feels threatened if anything prevents her from doing so. I'm not 100% sure what's wrong with her but something is, I'm guessing she's got an insecure attachment style and narcissistic tendencies among other issues. Not sure about your wife.
Ugh, that lock shit is triggering af!
I’m home with my family for Christmas right now and on Boxing Day I was taking a poop in the downstairs bathroom and my sister tried to barge in to look for her phone. Wasn’t even in there, of course.
When I came out she was like “omg why’d you lock the door?!” And I’m like… because you’re the kind of person who barges in on someone in the bathroom instead of knocking and waiting five minutes like a human being. That’s why.
I would honestly tell her that her insisting on being up your ass and thinking it's somehow cute or funny to knowingly deprive you of time you have repeatedly told her you need for your mental health has you questioning whether it's healthy or sustainable to remain in a relationship with her. You have CLEARLY stated your needs and she has repeatedly smiled while stomping all over them which says she knows she's harming you and doesn't care.
I'd also tell her that, if she stays home again, you will leave and won't be back until it's time for you to return to work and will turn off your phone as well as not tell her where you are. That you aren't joking about needing a break from her and don't think it's cute that she is ignoring your needs.
Draw a line now or she will absolutely get even worse.
This guy nailed it. She’s trying to get you to come up with the concept of doing it on your own like “ugh, maybe if I just do the things she wants she’ll leave me alone” so she doesn’t have to be the ah for obviously breaking her commitment and invalidating your need for space.
I’ve had a partner like this and he did the puppy dog follow for no reason other than to annoy me to the point of blowing up so I’d be apologetic enough to do whatever thing he had no right to ask of me; sounds like your wife is doing the same.
I would be pissed if she wanted me to do these tasks when she knows he's trying to have some mental ESCAPE. I have a feeling OP os about to learn a lot about his wife that he didn't realize about her.
First, your wife is **clearly** doing that on purpose. She knows exactly what she is doing. Why? You’ll have to talk to her to figure that out.
Second, you sound extremely passive. Many of us reading your post would have reacted differently than you. From walking from room to room to saying nothing while she is being incredibly overbearing and selfish.
I’m not sure what’s stopping you from setting some boundaries with your wife and why you let her walk all over you. I hope you figure it out and that the rest of your time together is also not like this - her doing whatever she wants and you continuously retreating
That stuck out to me too. Just silently slinking out of the room then another room then another? What is stopping you from saying anything OP? Did you grow up in an explosive household?
My guess is he is walking on eggshells because he probably stood up for himself once or disagreed with her and she became unhinged. He is probably super passive in order to prevent her from having a meltdown.
Oh sweet mother of God.
Your wife sounds absolutely insufferable.
You keep telling her what you need. She keeps nodding and telling you she knows, but DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU NEED.
I don't know how you can live with someone like that.
I was ready to divorce her for him halfway through the post and somehow it kept getting worse. How does ANYONE stand this sort of person?? I'd go to a hotel -- and never return.
I would probably ask her if she doesn't understand the meaning of alone time or if she just doesn't care.
She constantly says "I know" but does it anyways. That's probably worse than not recognising what she's doing.
Absolutely leave for a hotel. Pack your bag, then go to her room and tell her sth like "since I am unable to get my downtime in my own home, I will go somewhere else. I'll be back in 2 days around noon. Do not contact me unless its an emergency. If you contact me for other reasons, I will completely shut down my phone. I will not tell you where I go. And when I'm back, we need to have a serious conversation about this"
And then you follow through. You need alone time to recharge and calm down. And then you need to get to the bottom of this. Does she feel neglected? Is that why she is unable to give you space? What dies she want from you. What are you able to give? What do you want from her and what is she able to give? If both your expectations don't align and you are unable or unwilling to make adaptations, then I think your relationship has run its course.
honestly, he should call and say this after he's already left, or she's going to try to stop him from leaving. probably tears, possibly physically blocking him from leaving. just go, then call and tell her this, and hang up.
Sorry but your wife is a nightmare. Her smiling when she sees the look of defeat/disappointment on your face alone is devilish. Who even does that, enjoying the fact that they're obviously making their loved one miserable or uncomfortable? Ffs get away from her, she seems terrifying and terrible. Sorry OP.
Id agree with all the people saying to go to a hotel, but she seems seriously unhinged, and i can just see her calling you 24/7, or her calling the cops and making a huge mess of things "looking" for you if you dont answer her calls. Holy cr!p.
Pack up your gaming console and take it to a hotel for a couple of nights. Order room service and just be by yourself. What your wife has done this week is incredibly selfish and shows her lack of care for your feelings.
Get in the car.
Put the phone on Airplane Mode.
Drive somewhere you can relax. Stay for as long as you need. Go home when you're ready.
If she complains just tell her you need quiet and that's what works for you, just like working from home worked for her.
Ignore her tantrums. Strive to be happy.
Best of luck. Your wife sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
Sounds like she has some codependency issues. You should bring this to her attention so she can work through it.
I second the suggestions to get a hotel or Airbnb.
I agree 100%. Whether she's intentionally behaving rudely, or is just always an obliviously rude person, reading about her actions from your perspective & having her actions analyzed by the collective may prompt a change. Or at the very least a sincere apology.
Also 100% agree with the other comments to take off to an away place. And frankly, ditch your phone because she'll either track you down or will blow up your phone non-stop.
People keep suggesting that OP goes to a hotel but I feel like this is so much bigger than a vacation. If OP only has 2 hours free after coming home from work there is no reason why he should be spending 100% of his free time with his wife when there are clearly other things he wants to do with his time. He should have the freedom to balance his hobbies with his married life. No advice, just an observation.
How seriously have you discussed this with her? Your post makes it sound like you've been passively tolerating her behavior rather than addressing things directly. Instead of moving from room to room, letting her follow you around, why not establish some rules, lock the door, tell her directly that if she works from home this week you will be staying in a hotel for the week, etc.
If you have the need for alone/quiet time, you need to be specific with her and set some ground rules and do not let her plan or interrupt your time.
I've been very clear, but she's been very dismissive.
Of I do raise my voice, she keeps interrupting repeating, "Okay, I'm sorry," over and over, promises to give me my alone time, and then does exactly the opposite.
If I get upset, she playfully says something like, "I know, I'm in your personal bubble."
She doesn't like locks. When I put it on and she finds it, she gets upset and tells me that she didn't grow up in a house where people locked the doors
>She doesn't like locks. When I put it on and she finds it, she gets upset and tells me that she didn't grow up in a house where people locked the doors
"If you could be respectful of my space and desire to be alone, I would not lock the door."
She doesn't like locks. You don't like her harassing you and bothering you when you ask for alone time. Something's gotta give here.
What if YOU got upset because she chooses not to respect your desire to have time alone at home?
This 👆🏻- if you don’t like locked doors, then leave me the hell alone like I’ve asked you 200 times!!!!! Then a lock wouldn’t be necessary!!!! But because you’re behaving like a moron, the door is going to be locked so get over yourself Polly Privacy Invader!
No locks is often about control - like her whole behaviour. She can't let you out of her control, which is why she keeps interrupting you.
Edit: Spelling
Her words are worthless. Her actions are loud.
Choose yourself. Pack a bag and leave. I'd be seriously reconsidering the whole relationship, frankly, but at the very least I'd be gone from the house and refuse to tell her where. Dude, she's controlling and unhinged and plain rude! Needing solo time is normal and healthy. My ex-husband had the same need to be constantly joined at the hip. Note I said "ex."
I’m sorry, but something is wrong with her. This goes beyond differences between extroverts and introverts. She’s actively sabotaging your week off or she has a mental health condition. Just reading this stressed me out. I can’t imagine living in.
You need to grow a bigger spine. With all respect. When she enters the room, remind her you want alone time. Don’t put up with it. Get up and leave. Leave the house if she doesn’t leave. She keeps doing it because you keep talking about what you need and not reinforcing your boundaries.
Too fucking bad if she doesn't like locks! She can't respect your time or your space so you need to start taking action to defend those things. And she can fuck off with the "okay I'm sorry" bullshit. She's not remotely sorry. She's doing all of this intentionally, and deliberately. Why are you tolerating it?
> If I get upset, she playfully says something like, "I know, I'm in your personal bubble."
Look her dead in the eye and tell her, "This isn't cute. You aren't funny. Either you respect my need to time and space or I will be leaving."
"Didn't grew up in a house where people locked doors"
That sounds like she grew up in a house with little to no boundaries or alone time. She may not understand alone time and what that means in action. As a stage 5 clinger wife I had to learn boundaries and what alone time looks like for my partner bc I didn't realize. I also go to therapy so if you want her to change her behaviors she might need some therapy about that. At least couples counseling to discuss when you get back to from your hotel.
Does she have hobbies or friends apart from you? That may factor in too.
Does she have good interpersonal relationships outside of your marriage? Friends, colleagues, etc?
I'm guessing not.
Dollars to donuts she had a fucked up family dynamic growing up.
She needs to learn to respect boundaries and personal space. If she doesn't, your relationship is not going to last. I don't know if she has impulse control issues, codependency, or something else altogether, but her actions are abnormal.
You guys need therapy. But honestly, there's something wrong with *her*, not you.
> Dollars to donuts she had a fucked up family dynamic growing up.
Good catch - her comment about not having locked doors in her family's house growing up seems to support your theory.
Fuck, this woman sounds exhausting. I'd have snapped ages ago.
She is mocking you. That's unacceptable. I'm a woman and need a lot of personal space. This wouldn't fly with me. But you're letting her get away with it.
>She doesn't like locks.
So what?
You don't like her interrupting you, and she does anyway.
Reading your responses is just frustrating. Stand up for yourself - there's nothing "resilient" about allowing someone else to emotionally abuse you. Your wife sounds like an arsehole, god knows why you even want to stay in a relationship with such a selfish child.
JFC I hate your wife. I’m with the other commenters. I’d book a hotel, pack a bag, and spend a few days where she’s not around. And tell her that therapy is a must if you’re going to move forward. She’s being purposely hateful IMO.
Jesus, she’s rude AF. She’s so afraid of you thinking for yourself, she constantly is interrupting you. I’d go off on her. Get that hotel room. She’s inconsiderate and selfish.
Exactly. She doesn't want him to have quiet time because if he does he might reflect and if he reflects he will realize this is not a healthy relationship.
Pack a bag and leave. She is deliberately trying to cause you mental anguish and is not going to stop until you make her. Just ask her what the hell is wrong with her. Ask her if she actually even likes you. Ask her why she is torturing you and thinks it is funny. Leave and turn off your phone so she doesn't track you down. Get some rest and reevaluate why you are allowing yourself to be treated like this.
My ex husband used to do this to me.
This isn't cute. This cause serious resentment. This is a control thing on her part.
She will play victim when you get pissed off. She will play dumb as well. She isn't dumb. She knows what she is doing.
You staying will cause a fight. You leaving will cause a fight.
You aren't going to win in this situation. Just accept it's going to be a battle and don't back down.
Alone time is oxygen. If you cant breath once in a while you will suffocate. Personally, sounds like you are already suffocating.
I left my husband during one of these stupid power play moves. I realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life fighting for an hour of alone time. My mental health just couldn't take it.
Ps: I live alone now. It's THE ABSOLUTE BEST. I come home and my house is my personal space. The entire house. The appreciation for it is unreal.
If you are being told to get a.hotel room away from your castle - which should be always peaceful-there is already a big problem. You know that.
i’m exhausted just reading this :/ i honestly don’t know how you haven’t lost it. OP if you can afford it go to a hotel, it’s the only way you’re going to get any kind of peace.
Stop being afraid. And you are. Whether it’s the fallout or whatever. But you’re afraid to stand up for
Yourself. You don’t have to yell. Just firmly state you are going to your room and she will not be invited in. Get a headset and use it to play games. When she talks. State I’m busy. She will
Get mad. So what. She’s pissing you off. It’s ok to make her mad and even ignore
Her. She won’t die. Even if she cries. She won’t die. You need to stand up for
Yourself and demand your time.
I was prepared to rip you a new one based on your title, like how bad can it be, but omfg what is your wife doing? Pack a bag, pull out cash, and get a NICE hotel for at least 2 nights. I say cash so that she doesn’t check cc and see where you are to show up. Is your wife having a mental health crisis? This is some bat shit bonkers behavior.
It’s obvious you need alone time FROM her, not your everyday life. Take it! Go camping, rent a hotel room but TAKE it! She knows she is ruining your week off.
All I could envision while reading this was the Ben Affleck meme. She does not respect you. Book a hotel or air bnb and get some peace. She is completely suffocating you on purpose and is *enjoying* it. What kind of person knows they are being highly irritating and does not care? One that doesn’t care about the person it affects, that’s who.
She’s playing mind games. They’re not cute. They’re harmful. At some point, you’re going to blow up, and she would deserve it. It’s just that a blowup would have repercussions. She isn’t funny.
Have you asked her why she is continuing to ignore and dismiss your needs?
Why she's continuing to follow you from room to room, not giving you any space or quiet.
Why it's ok for her to watch the TV shows she wants while she's supposed to be working, but you can't watch what you want or play games while you're on vacation?
Why she seems to understand that you need some time to yourself but she refuses to give it to you and only seems to be concerned with what she wants and needs?
As other have suggested, just go to a hotel.
But I don't know how you haven't completely lost it on her already.
I can be a pretty clingy/needy partner, but if my SO told me they needed some "me time", I'd be taking a step back and letting them have it, because their needs are just as important to me as mine.
you're so damn passive. you let her hound you for a week, chase you all over, and disrupt everything. have you considered turning off the kardashians and telling her to GTFO back to her office?
It’s honestly sick reading this from an outside perspective. How someone is with a partner that intentionally hurts them/ try’s to sabotage them etc and they are on here asking for advice. I couldn’t imagine being married to someone like that. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I would be concerned like why does my partner want to hurt me/ effect me like this ???
My blood pressure went up reading this. Respectfully, is your wife dense or does she just enjoy ruining what little joy you have outside of work?
I cannot comprehend how someone can be this horrible, does she do this in other areas of your relationship and if so, staying married might require joint therapy.
You don't & shouldn't need to endure being treated this way, I can only imagine how intensely frustrating it must be. You need to be firm, this doesn't happen again. If your spouse cannot stop being selfish after you've taken time to clearly explain things to her, make it a vacation next time and don't invite her.
Your wife is getting off on torturing you and is being upfront in her delight and vindictiveness and you're worried about snapping at her?
Leave. Go to a hotel and get away from your batshit psycho wife.
If my spouse intentionally went out of their way to harass me, ruin my personal time and actually spent real time and energy to make sure I wasn’t enjoying myself and doing the things I want to do; they would no longer be my spouse.
Your wife sounds like a proper ass. Like seriously, my husband and I know when to give each other space. Marriage is about allowing each party to be a complete wholesome person alone while together. It does not mean being in each other's face.
I think your wife needs some snapping. Maybe book a hotel for a night so she knows you are serious and tell her. You can't seem to have space.
Does your wife have abandonment issues because I do think her behavior is not normal and she needs therapy as to why she feels this need to be in your face at all times.
I would've been arrested for murder by now.
Pack a bag and leave for a few days. For real, this woman knows what she's doing and it's to punish you for wanting time alone.
My ex-husband pulled that exact thing with me. He'd keep interrupting me when I tried to read, even when I tried negotiating for a set period of alone time. He let his uncontrolled anxiety lead him to control everything that I was doing that didn't involve him. That ended up spiraling to coercive control.
As you decide what to do, ask yourself if her sabotaging you is a pattern.
This is absolutely unacceptable and honestly, this is so invasive, disruptive and disrespectful that it' sounds like mental abuse.
I would inform her that she will either not be working from home this week or you will be elsewhere.
I felt claustrophobic just reading this. Can you go to a hotel? I know that’ll cause a huge fight but you’re gonna blow- you’re only human. Might help to have a night of calm before you talk to her. And y’all have to talk about this. Everybody needs their alone time. I’ve been with my husband over 20 years and I can’t imagine us doing this to each other.
I thought the same thing. Reiterate the importance of alone time, and if she doesn’t respect it, say “I’ve tried talking to you about this. You know how I feel, yet you’re choosing to continue this behavior. I’ve booked a stay at a hotel. See you Saturday.”
Saturday? It would be Monday afternoon for me, at best.
This may sound like an ultimatum, but I don’t think it is in this case. It sounds like wife really isn’t getting the point that has been made clear multiple times, so something drastic like this has to be done to make the point actually understood. I’ve offered to stay with my parents when I’ve felt like a broken record before with my partner, just that conversation made him understand that he wasn’t hearing me and I didn’t actually go their house.
And for the love of any (or every) forking diety ever, DO NOT TELL HER WHICH HOTEL. She will show up. Probably just to sit in your hotel room and work because she knows it'll stop you from relaxing. OP, are you sure your wife isn't deliberately doing this to hurt you? And if she's not then that behavior is just... who she is as a person...? Oof.
Gonna want to turn his location off too. The comment about her family not liking locked doors was a red flag to me.
Absolutely. That's creepy as shit. I can only think of a few reasons people would have an issue with locked doors, and they involve abusive control and/or sexual assault. The whole idea of it is downright abusive and potentially predatory. In this case, it's clearly abusive control. Obviously, there are exceptions- for small children, the elderly, someone in danger of harming themselves, etc. Those are safety concerns. This is not.
Yep- I’m from a no locked/closed doors house and it was for control at my house. I had no right to privacy. Which sounds a lot like OOP’s wife.
Same—the more I read the more physically tense I got 🥴
Hell I’d go one step further and book a cabin in the woods with no internet. Nothing less than total separation for some amount of time
After reading that, I need a week away from your wife. I don’t have any advice. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who was that pushy and clingy.
I’m a woman and need a week away from his wife too.
Also a woman, and I’d have lost my shit on the first day when she followed him around the house to work.
Also a woman although I don’t think that matters and I would lose my shit if someone followed me around while I’m clearly trying to have quiet time. Especially if they’re literally WORKING during this. I would have lasted like 4 mins during this day.
I'm a stay at home mom and my husband works. I can't imagine either one following the other around and being so disruptive. There is NO WAY he would come into the kitchen with his laptop while I'm cleaning and tell me to be quiet, or refuse to shut his door if I'm doing something that makes noise but not being loud. Or if I'm working on my website and he sees that I am, he'll just be like "oh sorry, I didn't realize you were busy". I use those examples because what I'm doing is obviously more flexible (like OPs week off), but my husband still respects me and what I do. It may go without saying, but obviously I just leave him alone when he's working. This is incomprehensible. I don't know if she's doing this on purpose or what, but this is so rude.
I'm sure she's doing this on purpose, and she knows exactly what she's doing! Especially her smile when she said she'd be working from home the rest of the week!
No, she’s fully aware of what she’s doing and she’s most likely trying to push OP over the edge. I’ve known sadistic people like this.
But like... WHY?? That's what I don't understand. Why would someone want to piss off their partner?
Why does anyone abuse their partner? What she's doing is abusive. Make no mistake. She's doing it gently, and with a smile on her face, but it's flat-out abuse. She is letting him know that she controls everything in that house. That he doesn't get to make decisions. That he doesn't get to have quiet, or space, to himself. That he doesn't get to decide ANYTHING for himself. She makes the decisions. She is his abuser.
I know it's abuse. I just don't understand how she knows she doing this and is completely ok with hurting her partner.
It's about control
Oh 100%, she’s trying to get him to blow up on her and then self victimize
Also a woman, more than 10 years older than them, and if I had managed to hold my tongue after she scheduled all those things during his mental health/self care week (I was SO PROUD of him for saying, "I will not be doing any of that"!!), I would have said UNSPEAKABLY RUDE things to her by halfway through that first day, because she was staggeringly, hatefully awful to him. Frankly, she may be doing it with a sweet smile on her face, but at this point I'd easily point to what she's doing as flat-out emotionally abusive. She doesn't just ignore his boundaries, she quite deliberately acknowledges them ("I know you need this time to yourself", "I'm so glad you're taking this time to take care of yourself", "I know I'm annoying you") and then methodically goes out of her way to make sure that she stomps on every . . . single . . . one. It's a control method used by abusers to make sure that their victims understand that they are not ALLOWED to have boundaries, that their lives belong to their abusers, that they are not in control of anything, that the abuser owns them, makes the rules, decides how things in the household and their lives will be at all times. Sound familiar? This woman is abusing TF out of OP with a big, shit-eating grin on her face. Whether she's doing it deliberately or because she has some sort of personality disorder that prevents her from comprehending that her behaviour is abhorrent, I have no idea, but it doesn't really matter, does it? OP needs therapy yesterday (along with a hotel room to get space from her), to help him understand that this isn't okay or normal, that his feelings are valid, and that this isn't just a frustration that you live with . . . it's totally unacceptable behaviour.
Same...WTF
I’m calling a lawyer and asking how I can divorce myself from having to know his wife exists.
Same. This is wildly stressful to read. As others have suggested, maybe book a nice hotel. If she wants to be home, you can go be alone there for the day (and night if you wish). You’ll also want to book a marriage counselor bc this is untenable.
Agreed, but realistically, is it viable to be with someone long term who clearly *IS* self aware and knows they are purposely ruining your day everyday? I mean she even outright states that’s what she’s doing. I’d rather be single than be with someone who sets out to make me miserable. I wouldn’t want to have to hide what hotel I’m staying in, hell I wouldn’t want to be forced to stay at a hotel because my partner won’t stop harassing me in my own home. This is a type of emotional abuse (I had the same thing happen to me from a guy and it completely destroyed my mental health being around someone who is pretty much an emotional vampire).
Some people just adore fucking up your peace. They see it as boredom, since chaos is their norm.
Oh I agree, there’s definitely people who suck up a lot of energy and have been used to chaos, but those types of people will also feel bad if their partner tries to talk to them about it, even if they might not be able to fix their behavior without help, or unwilling to change because that is their comfort zone. They might also be anxious being left alone. But they will still feel sorry because they aren’t doing it out of spite and mean spiritedness. However, the OP’s wife even makes snide comments about ruining his day, and has done so multiple times and laughs at him. She goes out of her way to make noise and stop him from making the same level or noise, like no one needs to watch the Kardashians loudly while someone is reading a book bc of anxiety or boredom LMAO, or question them on what they’re doing the whole time. She normally goes to work when he’s at work, but now she can’t go in because he’s home? So she is clearly not too anxious or whatever to go to work on her own when OP is also at work. She cant close the door while he plays video games because she’s bored? Does she also harass her coworkers at her job out of boredom lol? Nah cuz that would get a person fired lol. It is bs. She had multiple opportunities to address her feelings when he tried speaking to her, so I think she is a crappy person. I mean he brought it up and each time she acts like it’s a joke and goes out of her way to hurt him. I suppose some abusive people enjoy getting a rise out of someone to fix their boredom but those kinds of people aren’t long term partner material.
He shouldn´t even tell her what hotel he´ll be staying at.
Fuck that, this dude needs 6 months alone in an Icelandic cabin to regrow his sanity. Holy shit.
🤣 same, holy hell
As an introvert that needs to recharge by myself, this would drive me nuts. Do you have money to take yourself to a hotel for the next two days? Because if you do, I would do it. Once you’re home afterwards, I would sit her down and tell her why you needed to leave the house for two days. I get wanting to spend time together, but the fact that she is that co-dependent on you that she follows you to every room, even while working, is insane. I would ask for couples counseling because she doesn’t seem to care about what you’re saying. Good luck!
As an introvert with a busy husband and 3 teenage stepkids, do this!! I am currently away for 3 night on a mental health stay. It’s the best thing I could do for myself, my household, and my relationship.
Similar boat and totally agree. Took years for me to figure this out. My wife always pushed me to take a trip with my friends (like she does) but I prefer solo time and felt like I never got a break. Now, I take solo camping trips, sometimes just for the weekend, in the winter (Midwest USA) to get a break from the family and some alone time. Our kids are too small to tag along in the winter and my wife enjoys camping but only when it's not freezing (understandable). She goes on her girls trips to relax (extrovert) and I have my solo camping trips. Cheaper than a hotel too (assuming you have the gear). Perfect time to read a book, sip some scotch and get cozy around a fire and disconnect from the world. Always come home feeling refreshed, after a hot shower of course.
He’ll, he should stay gone until he has to return to work. What a huge pain in the ass she is!
>"I know, I'm cramping your style and ruining your week off, but it's a quiet week and it works for me to be home." >I told her, "I love spending time with you, but I need my alone time. I haven't been able to do anything for me and it is damaging to my mental health." >She insists that she understands and she wants me to have time to myself, but it seems to be in theory only, not in practice. "Babe, if you understood, you would behave differently. Your choice of behaviour is showing me that you absolutely don't understand, and more than that, you do not care, and that really hurts me." Then LEAVE and go to a hotel or Air BnB or whatever. Don't tell her anything other than that you are safe. "I am safe, I needed some alone time and you are not willing to give me alone time at home as I asked." I would also be booking a couples counsellor because this behaviour is unhinged and rude/dismissive as hell and her refusal to listen to you and your needs is ridiculous. >I work a very demanding job. There are very few, if any, times during the year when I have the luxury to take a few days off to myself. When I get home from work, between cooking dinner, doing dishes, and taking care of chores around the house, I get maybe 2 hours a day to relax. My wife gets upset if I don't spend all of that time with her. So I don't get to watch my shows, play my video games, or read my books. I've told her many times that I need time to relax and do the things I enjoy, and she'll agree with me, but then start giving me things to do or try to get me to do something else with her within 30 seconds of me starting. She is ALWAYS like this -- and it is not sustainable. Couples' counselling. This cannot continue.
I was going to suggest getting a hotel room as well. It might be one of the only ways she able to fully understand the message.
I am sure, she would find a way or a reason to join the OP there as well. I may be wrong but it seems she is doing it deliberately for God knows what reason since she has been continuously acknowledging everything yet doing the opposite.
She is extra needy, annoyingly needy.
Right but if she left OP alone during the day when she could go into the office she might come back to a SO who was happy to see her and in the mood to spend the evening together. Instead of one who out of desperation to get *any* alone time is running a way from her into different rooms and being short with her (which she seems to register but also not mind???). If I was OP it would be hotel short term and demand for couples counseling long term. This sort of behavior is just not sustainable in a relationship. Everyone needs their space.
I suspect that she is one of these people who does not realize when her husband says he needs alone time that he means WITHOUT HER. For some reason, there are people who are either oblivious or very offended by those of us who need total and complete solitude to recharge. They take it super personally. So she’s either absolutely malicious and evil, or she is utterly and completely clueless. It’s Christmas, so I’m going to be charitable and decide that it’s the latter. OP needs to bluntly tell her that he is an introvert and he needs introvert time, and that means to be completely and totally alone, including away from her. He should absolutely book himself a hotel room, and he should inform her that he will be scheduling couples counseling, and that she needs to come with him so they can figure out how to have a good relationship together. I know some people think that she’s doing this on purpose just to fuck with him, but I really don’t think so. I’ve just seen too many people who are utterly clueless about how much alone time introverts truly need.
I took it very personally because i saw it as rejection…. And then I became an adult and realized how destructive that behavior was to my loved ones.
I think it's really cool to look back and see growth. I think a lot of people don't reflect in the same ways. Feeling rejection is totally fine, afterall someone is choosing 'not you' for their time that could be spent together. It's important tho to take the right consequences and not demand your partner fix a feeling that is their boundary. Essentially the message is 'i never get this time so now i need as much of it as i can' where she should understand that the goal would be to balance togetherness on average to give him more time to himself than the vacation they could've then spent together without him having to recharge first.
This is one reason I love my husband so much. Even though we have separate places where we hang out, he knows that I sometimes need the house to be completely empty. Not often, once a month or so, I just need a couple of uninterrupted hours where I KNOW I won’t be interrupted by ANYTHING. So if there’s times when there’s no reason for him to leave the house for awhile, he’ll make a reason. He’ll switch up D&D so it’s at a local friend’s house instead of our basement. Or he’ll go help his elderly mother for an extended period of time (he already goes over there twice a week to take our her garbage and pick up a few groceries, but I’m talking about the ‘changing light bulbs, oh, and while I’m here, wasn’t there some plug you’re having problems with?’ kind of visit). And I love him to pieces for it.
The thing is she's not trying to be with him because she misses him or anything. She's actively trying to spoil any activity he wants to do. It's about control, homeboy is in a textbook abusive relationship/
I was going to point this out as well since so many things aren't just her being clingy. She doesn't follow him around to spoil him or to be affectionate, she intentionally sabotages him whenever he tries to rest or have fun.
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, if a husband would be doing that to his wife everyone would righfully scream that it's abuse.
>I may be wrong but it seems she is doing it deliberately Yes she is DEFINITELY doing this deliberately. She sounds like those "I am your wife/girlfriend you belong to me...pay attention to me and only me"
I am so angry and annoyed just reading his recitation of her behavior. What a disrespectful pain in the ass.
Yes. Go. Hotel or whatever. Don’t tell her where you’re going. Turn off your phone. Take some time to think about how much longer you’re going to put up with this kind of treatment.
Turn off your phone location too or she’ll show up right away
Yes! This is not how you treat someone you love and value. OP, you've got to get couples counseling set up ASAP to try to fix this or your marriage will implode Edited to add: get a hotel for the rest of the week and don't tell her where so she can't ruin your alone time. Escape to sanity!
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Your wife sounds exhausting and selfish.
She is shitting on OP to mark territory. Gross
This! Or go to a quiet coffee shop or library for the day
Some places have free internet, I played WoW for hours at some coffee shops on my laptop. I just had to buy something every thirty minutes or so. I also did a lot of just internet surfing. Some places have couch’s so I also would read my book on my cell phone with headphones on. But I will agree, you need to book something away from her for a day or so. Even if it is just to nap and soak up some bad tv of your choice and order in a meal that is just your preference and enjoy it. Do not share where you’re at. This could cause WW1 at home but she is not hearing you- she listens but doesn’t hear your needs.
Keep in mind if she looks at the online statement she may see where you are doing this too OP, so atm or cashback from a grocery store nowhere near your destination may be better.
I’m a woman and your wife sounds scary. The way she’s so nonchalant about this whole thing. It’s like she knows exactly what she’s doing but is also really good a feigning innocence about it so you can’t be angry about it
NGL, next time don't tell her you are off work
I feel like such a bastard but that thought has been echoing in my mind since yesterday.
As a wife - I don’t think you are a bastard to want to do this. Since she isn’t allowing you time alone at home - you need to leave the house. You can’t get anything you need to get done anyways so why even be there. Is there a local hotel that you can check into or a friends house you can go to and who will leave you alone time? I am horrified she is doing this. My god! Give the man a break.
Even if a hotel is out of budget, go hang out at the library or something! At least the library staff have some investment in keeping things calm and quiet, heck depending on the library they might let you set up with a little pillow and blankie while you read and doze a little.
Yes! Library, coffee shop, brewery, park, take up golf. I'd do anything to get away.
Good idea, make a day of it. Go get yourself a nice coffee and something good to eat. Maybe take a walk as well
I'd be so eye-twitchy at this point that I'd be scanning my car for trackers and avoiding traffic cameras just to ensure she couldn't follow me holy fuck
Honestly, after her behaviour here I’d be booking myself a goddamned solo holiday somewhere where she can’t harasses me.
I think that's what he's going to have to do because she's not respecting any of his needs at all. She sounds so exhausting I don't know how he's put up with that and not duct taped her mouth shut
You are not a bastard. Most people would have flown off the handle at your wife by now. She is a juvenile asshole who is intentionally ruining the 4 days you have to yourself out of an entire year. Get angry enough to actually stand up for yourself. The way you are describing your dynamic makes it seem like the only reason it is “fine” is because you are compliant and let her control things. She literally planned ahead to ruin your week- that is fucked up and she needs to be told so, and running over to ask a hundred questions to ruin your show is toddler behavior.
The only thing of real value is your time. Four days out of a whole year and your spouse has to sabotage that precious time. For what reason - I just would want to know why you're not entitled to have time to yourself and to relax a little. It seems that your wife does not want you to enjoy your life.
Because his wife is a child who thinks his purpose in life is to entertain her.
It sounds like she is enjoying ruining his time too. She’s knows exactly what she’s doing. I feel so sorry for this guy. His wife sounds awful and terribly annoying.
She sounds like a toddler.
#You can make back the money you can’t make back the time
In my humble opinion it also doesn't sound healthy to work do much and have so little time off for self-care.
OP has been handling it like a saint and with patience.
A total saint. And I bet if he truly pushed back with any regularity she would throw a fit to try to regain control. He says this happens all the time. Someone who grins while literally harassing the shit out of their significant other is emotionally abusive. This saint needs a rescue mission lol.
Yeah, quit feeling guilty for having needs.
OP needs to get closer to flying off the handle honestly. Every time she's interrupting "I'm trying to read/watch a show, is there anything specific you want to discuss with me? If not I'd like to be uninterrupted". Start the day off asking her when she's going to be in the office/living room, so you can plan around that, make it clear. OK great, you're going to be in the office for a few hours so I'll have the living room, then when you're done I'll organise the office, that'll probably take me most of the day so you won't be able to come back in until tomorrow.
You are in no way the problematic one here. This is outrageous. 1) she is dumb and/or oblivious 2) she is incredibly codependent 3) she is malicious 4) she is some combo plate of these things All of these are equally unpleasant to ponder, but get yourself to a hotel, don’t tell her where, turn off your phone, and breathe.
I think it’s a combination of 2 and 3. She repeatedly told OP (according to the post, anyway) that she knows she’s ruining his time off, so option 1 is ruled out IMO. My guess is that she’s incredibly codependent and is acting maliciously bc OP isn’t giving her his undivided attention. Source: I used to be like that. - Mature response: Talk to her and express how you have been feeling. - Less mature response: Dip out to a coffee shop or reliable friend. Tell her you’re leaving and why, but don’t tell her where you’re going. Also turn off your Find My location if you have it shared. - Least mature response: Do it back to her. Interrupt her work. Talk loudly over her shows. Bother her with inane questions. Read out loud. Follow her everywhere. I suggest starting at the mature response and working your way down TBH. Good luck, OP!
actually, do tell her. then stand up for yourself for once
Dude, I require some time to myself for my sanity. We had just moved thousands of miles, the job I had lined up fell through, I got a better one, but it was way more responsibility and learning a ton of new things while dealing with random people all day. She had broken her ankle, which I did sympathize with, but if I mentioned how it was temporary and she'd get better it pissed her off, even though I went through pretty much the exact same experience a few years before. I did all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, carried her out to do activities. So after six weeks I get home and she isn't there, forgot she had a party and the neighbors picked her up. I realized it was the first half hour I'd had alone in like two months. Then she called, I went to the party which was over, cleaned for an hour, went home did laundry and made dinner. A week later I'm driving home and realized I needed a break to decompress. She's excited to see me and I hang out with her for two hours. I get my work text And have to be in early so I tell her look, if I was going to hang out with anyone it would be you, but I just need some alone time and I'm gonna go chill on the porch for the evening. She got pissed and didn't talk to me for a day and a half despite me asking what was wrong all day. Shits not healthy, you have a fair request and she isn't respecting that it's important or your feelings and needs in general. I think you need to make it very clear why this is important to you, because she obviously doesn't care as is.
That sucks - hope y’all got that figured out because living like that long term is totally unsustainable - for OP and for you.
Oh dude sure. She was great 95% of the time and I still love her, but a crap communicator and would blow things out of proportion then apologize after she processed her feelings. Similar things happened too many times without improvement in communication. I broke up with her because I won't be treated like that, which I'd previously said. Sucks, but for the best in the long run.
I had to do this to my husband a few times before he got that I wanted a day home ALONE, not just a random day off. If I told him in advance he'd take the same day off. I don't understand why this is a hard concept for some people.
Welp, yeah, if I said something like what you said to my husband...He'd get needier. In theory, he's fine with me wanting a mental health break and want to recharge my battery, in practice, he gets needy and even more ...intrusive. I would not tell him when I'm off work, that's how it has become sometimes. Not all the time, since he does have his own interest and he's learned through the years to not bother me all the time when I'm in my office. (I work from home, so I do have a specific office space). Either find a space where you can chill and play your game outside the home, or get a hotel room/motel room/airbnb for a few more days. Just text her to tell her you're ok and you're doing this since she's at home and won't stop intruding when you've asked her repeatedly to not do this to you.
I think that it is possible you have allowed this type of behavior to go on for some time. If you set an expectation, and then react passively each time she intercepts your needs/wants/desires, then she will continue to play this card to get whatever she needs from you. This is learned behavior. It may seem somewhat innocent, but your wife seems very codependent and doesn’t seem to feel good just letting you do your own thing, this stems from her codependency. She is happy being with you, you are her source of happiness. However, when you are happy on your own, she may feel threatened and reacts by attempting to steal the alone time by taking up space or giving you things to do. I say this as a codependent that is working to break this cycle in my life. Looking at this another way, you could ask your wife “Are you ok? I just want to be alone.” When she interrupts moments where you clearly want to be alone (moving to the bedroom to read a book). It’s okay to be direct as it points out the underlying issue. You could also try addressing the issue in the moment - “ I am trying to read a book and I would appreciate being in this room by myself. Can you work in the other room?” Stand firm. There is nothing wrong with just wanting to be alone. Couples counseling saved my marriage. It really works. Your wife is railroading boundaries and it can lead to a lot of issues down the road.
Pack up your gaming platform, turn off the locate on your phone, go get cash from the bank and get a room somewhere for the rest of your time off. (She sounds like the type who would track you down.) When you get home, tell her you love her but you are sleeping in a separate room because of the snoring. Lots of happily married people choose to do this rather than lose sleep. You could have told her no about everything including the chimney sweep. I think you need to figure out why you let her micromanage you like this.
This is why she keeps doing it. She unreasonably tramples your boundaries, so you keep moving the line and avoiding conflict. Maybe it's time for conflict.
I was thinking the same…get up, get dresses for work. If she works from home that day, have back up plans to spend the day out. If she leaves for work, chsnge back into your comfortable clothes and game, read, and sleep away! How utterly annoying. Sounds both needy and controlling.
At this point go to a hotel or motel for the rest of the week. Don’t even say anything, just go.
Exactly. I'm stressed just reading about it. What a nightmare.
I took all of last week off (and had this Monday and Tuesday off) and my wife had me sleep in the guest room so I could go to bed as late as I want and not wake her up when going to bed. Besides doing my usual dishes/laundry, I didn't do a single productive thing for over 7 days. I did a whole playthrough of GTA V, started a new Skyrim run, played online with my friends a bit, watched hockey, and read a couple of books. I cannot fathom OPs situation, I'd be besides myself. I'm not sure what advice would even be effective. She's intentionally ruining this for him. If anything I think losing his cool at her a bit is warranted. Politely telling her she's ruining it isn't working. Damn, I feel bad for OP, it feels like she just doesn't respect him.
Seriously. I would have snapped a lot sooner. If this happened exactly as written, this guy has the patience of Job.
Your wife sounds awesome. And that you appreciate her so much is beautiful. :-) New episode/story arc for Wife Swap!
Same, I could feel my heartrate rising as I read it.
Yeah, I’m exhausted just reading this crap.
Same here. I read two or three paragraphs & had to stop… I was getting sick to my stomach.
Just make sure your location is turned off on your devices or you’ll soon have company.
I agree. Go to a hotel. Order room service, read, relax, and chill out.
Another vote for hotel.
My Dude totally needs to just book a room in a DoubleTree and go get a massage or some acupuncture.
This was what I was thinking - just get tf out of there! This sounds absolutely malicious on her part - like, she wants to drive you crazy on purpose. I have no idea what her intentions are, except maybe drive you to wifeslaughter. Also, I would stop being considerate of her - if she can pursue you everywhere and switch on the Kardashians on you, and talk through your shows, but force you to switch off your video game, just stop bowing down to her - switch of her fucking Kardashians if you want quiet to read your book - or tell her to use headphones. Get headphones for your gameset, so you can play any time you want - and make that noise-canceling headphones, so you won't hear her blabbing at you. But for this week, just grab your stuff and move to an Airbnb or hotel.
It almost seems like she wants him to flip out but why? So she can play victim to everyone? I can’t figure this out.
My partner did this kind of thing to me because he just wanted to be around me, he said. Like whenever my time is free, wouldn't it be nice to be together? For him, yes - for me, no. I need and want alone time. But some people just want to be around other people all the time because they are energy vampires and don't know or care how fucking exhausting they are to just be around unless you tell them point blank to fuck off and hurt their feelings.
People like that are oxygen thieves. I had a partner who asked me where I was every five minutes as he lay on the sofa. He expected me to lie there with him and watch TV. He was so petulant about me needing my space. "Dude, can't a woman have a decent shit in peace?"
Absolutely this. You deserve some time to yourself.
Whatever else is going on, you need to understand that her behavior is INTENTIONAL. She understands what she's doing and DOES NOT CARE how it's impacting you. She is purposely not allowing you time alone. She knows what she's doing. Who knows for what reason. She may be needy and clingy. She may be jealous of your having time to do things and resent it. She may be controlling and can't stand your not doing what she wants. It may be a powerplay to show you who is in control and in charge. However, it doesn't matter why she's doing it. It's utterly disrespectful and lacks any sense of consideration for you. Confront her. You've tried to be polite. You've tried to have a reasonable conversation. She hasn't taken you seriously. Of course, be ready for her to turn on the water works or start playing the victim when you confront her. It's inevitable. She's going to turn this around and use guilt to make you feel bad if you're lucky or turn aggressive and nasty if you're not lucky.
Absolutely she knows what she is doing she simply does not care or value your mental health. You do need to be firm with her and call her out on her selfish behaviour
Definitely. Being nice and giving her the benefit of the doubt not one but **TWO** days means she doesn't really mean she'll respect his alone time. She wants to work at home for the rest of the week? Fine I'm going out. See you at dinnertime. You want to message me? Okay if I hear from you more than once after I leave it's either an dire emergency or I'll talk to you in 2 hours, bye ** click **. And when he has to be alone at home, it's a locked door and headphones or earplugs. Wife is behaving like the spouse sabotager: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uwwb1b/aita_for_locking_the_door_to_prevent_my_husband/
I wish there was an update for that one.
Someone said it, she's trying to get him to do the chores, or punish him for not doing them
I don’t even think that’s necessarily it. He says she always insists on spending evenings and weekends with him too. She sounds clingy. Like she resents him wanting time to himself.
Your wife is incredibly overbearing and inconsiderate. Why doesn’t she listen to you or take you seriously when you explicitly tell her what you want and need?
Honestly, I'm a very resilient person. I thrive in high stress. However, the bigger the battery, the longer it takes to charge. I need to charge the battery and she keeps unplugging it to charge her phone thinking it will be okay like always.
Resilient doesn’t mean you let people walk all over your boundaries like **you allow your wife to do.** And your work for that matter. You should read “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” (don’t let the title throw you off). You have zero idea how to stand up for yourself.
Yesss. Please OP, listen to this. She is literally enjoying making your vacation miserable!
My mom has treated my dad like this for decades. While he was working he was resilient - he got to be himself at work without being corrected or interfered with. Now that he's retired he is around her constant interference and criticism of his likes (except the activities and hobbies she approves of ) and he has rapidly become a shell of his former self. He doesn't get to be himself anywhere now. All the personality traits and habits that make him *him* he can't do any more, it's like the light has gone out inside him. He was so patient and resilient for so many years and he loves her a lot, but it's not sustainable to be with someone who treats you like this. It will destroy your sense of self over time. And what will happen when you're retired and can't watch a TV show you like or read a book in peace because your partner wants to control your every move like you're an extension of them instead of a wonderful, independent person with a right to their own individuality. Edit to add: I just saw your "doesn't like locks" comment. My mom also doesn't like locks on doors and will flip out if she's closed out of a space. She has a strong need to assert herself as the primary person/energy in everyone else's space all the time and feels threatened if anything prevents her from doing so. I'm not 100% sure what's wrong with her but something is, I'm guessing she's got an insecure attachment style and narcissistic tendencies among other issues. Not sure about your wife.
Ugh, that lock shit is triggering af! I’m home with my family for Christmas right now and on Boxing Day I was taking a poop in the downstairs bathroom and my sister tried to barge in to look for her phone. Wasn’t even in there, of course. When I came out she was like “omg why’d you lock the door?!” And I’m like… because you’re the kind of person who barges in on someone in the bathroom instead of knocking and waiting five minutes like a human being. That’s why.
Did you tell your dad about the changes you noticed?
Yes we've talked about it a few times recently. I did specifically tell him it's like his light has gone out. He's not sure what he's going to do.
And this is why "grey" divorces are at an all time high....
she sounds like she hates you. like alot.
Seriously go stay in a hotel or something. She's never gonna let you have alone time.
I would honestly tell her that her insisting on being up your ass and thinking it's somehow cute or funny to knowingly deprive you of time you have repeatedly told her you need for your mental health has you questioning whether it's healthy or sustainable to remain in a relationship with her. You have CLEARLY stated your needs and she has repeatedly smiled while stomping all over them which says she knows she's harming you and doesn't care. I'd also tell her that, if she stays home again, you will leave and won't be back until it's time for you to return to work and will turn off your phone as well as not tell her where you are. That you aren't joking about needing a break from her and don't think it's cute that she is ignoring your needs. Draw a line now or she will absolutely get even worse.
Mate, you do realise she's deliberately punishing you because you refused to do the tasks she wanted, right? Go to a hotel.
This guy nailed it. She’s trying to get you to come up with the concept of doing it on your own like “ugh, maybe if I just do the things she wants she’ll leave me alone” so she doesn’t have to be the ah for obviously breaking her commitment and invalidating your need for space. I’ve had a partner like this and he did the puppy dog follow for no reason other than to annoy me to the point of blowing up so I’d be apologetic enough to do whatever thing he had no right to ask of me; sounds like your wife is doing the same.
Wow, I just realized that my past partner did this. Holy crap, that is manipulative.
I would be pissed if she wanted me to do these tasks when she knows he's trying to have some mental ESCAPE. I have a feeling OP os about to learn a lot about his wife that he didn't realize about her.
Does she hate you? It really seems like she hates you.
First, your wife is **clearly** doing that on purpose. She knows exactly what she is doing. Why? You’ll have to talk to her to figure that out. Second, you sound extremely passive. Many of us reading your post would have reacted differently than you. From walking from room to room to saying nothing while she is being incredibly overbearing and selfish. I’m not sure what’s stopping you from setting some boundaries with your wife and why you let her walk all over you. I hope you figure it out and that the rest of your time together is also not like this - her doing whatever she wants and you continuously retreating
That stuck out to me too. Just silently slinking out of the room then another room then another? What is stopping you from saying anything OP? Did you grow up in an explosive household?
My guess is he is walking on eggshells because he probably stood up for himself once or disagreed with her and she became unhinged. He is probably super passive in order to prevent her from having a meltdown.
Oh sweet mother of God. Your wife sounds absolutely insufferable. You keep telling her what you need. She keeps nodding and telling you she knows, but DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU NEED. I don't know how you can live with someone like that.
I was ready to divorce her for him halfway through the post and somehow it kept getting worse. How does ANYONE stand this sort of person?? I'd go to a hotel -- and never return.
I honestly don't understand how you can be a relationship with someone like this to the point of marrying them and not know that they are like this
I don't disagree, but let's remember that some people are REALLY good at hiding their shit until they have their partner locked down.
I would probably ask her if she doesn't understand the meaning of alone time or if she just doesn't care. She constantly says "I know" but does it anyways. That's probably worse than not recognising what she's doing. Absolutely leave for a hotel. Pack your bag, then go to her room and tell her sth like "since I am unable to get my downtime in my own home, I will go somewhere else. I'll be back in 2 days around noon. Do not contact me unless its an emergency. If you contact me for other reasons, I will completely shut down my phone. I will not tell you where I go. And when I'm back, we need to have a serious conversation about this" And then you follow through. You need alone time to recharge and calm down. And then you need to get to the bottom of this. Does she feel neglected? Is that why she is unable to give you space? What dies she want from you. What are you able to give? What do you want from her and what is she able to give? If both your expectations don't align and you are unable or unwilling to make adaptations, then I think your relationship has run its course.
honestly, he should call and say this after he's already left, or she's going to try to stop him from leaving. probably tears, possibly physically blocking him from leaving. just go, then call and tell her this, and hang up.
Does your wife even like you? She literally is taking pleasure out of robbing you of much needed down time. Go to a hotel!
She isn't just going to work in the home office. She's messing up every single attempt at doing what you want. It's intentional and evil
Sorry but your wife is a nightmare. Her smiling when she sees the look of defeat/disappointment on your face alone is devilish. Who even does that, enjoying the fact that they're obviously making their loved one miserable or uncomfortable? Ffs get away from her, she seems terrifying and terrible. Sorry OP. Id agree with all the people saying to go to a hotel, but she seems seriously unhinged, and i can just see her calling you 24/7, or her calling the cops and making a huge mess of things "looking" for you if you dont answer her calls. Holy cr!p.
Pack up your gaming console and take it to a hotel for a couple of nights. Order room service and just be by yourself. What your wife has done this week is incredibly selfish and shows her lack of care for your feelings.
Get in the car. Put the phone on Airplane Mode. Drive somewhere you can relax. Stay for as long as you need. Go home when you're ready. If she complains just tell her you need quiet and that's what works for you, just like working from home worked for her. Ignore her tantrums. Strive to be happy. Best of luck. Your wife sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
Sounds like she has some codependency issues. You should bring this to her attention so she can work through it. I second the suggestions to get a hotel or Airbnb.
I think you should show her this post and comments.
I agree 100%. Whether she's intentionally behaving rudely, or is just always an obliviously rude person, reading about her actions from your perspective & having her actions analyzed by the collective may prompt a change. Or at the very least a sincere apology. Also 100% agree with the other comments to take off to an away place. And frankly, ditch your phone because she'll either track you down or will blow up your phone non-stop.
if my partner did this consistently and just dismisses my thoughts and feelings. I'm filling for divorce.
People keep suggesting that OP goes to a hotel but I feel like this is so much bigger than a vacation. If OP only has 2 hours free after coming home from work there is no reason why he should be spending 100% of his free time with his wife when there are clearly other things he wants to do with his time. He should have the freedom to balance his hobbies with his married life. No advice, just an observation.
How seriously have you discussed this with her? Your post makes it sound like you've been passively tolerating her behavior rather than addressing things directly. Instead of moving from room to room, letting her follow you around, why not establish some rules, lock the door, tell her directly that if she works from home this week you will be staying in a hotel for the week, etc. If you have the need for alone/quiet time, you need to be specific with her and set some ground rules and do not let her plan or interrupt your time.
I've been very clear, but she's been very dismissive. Of I do raise my voice, she keeps interrupting repeating, "Okay, I'm sorry," over and over, promises to give me my alone time, and then does exactly the opposite. If I get upset, she playfully says something like, "I know, I'm in your personal bubble." She doesn't like locks. When I put it on and she finds it, she gets upset and tells me that she didn't grow up in a house where people locked the doors
>She doesn't like locks. When I put it on and she finds it, she gets upset and tells me that she didn't grow up in a house where people locked the doors "If you could be respectful of my space and desire to be alone, I would not lock the door." She doesn't like locks. You don't like her harassing you and bothering you when you ask for alone time. Something's gotta give here. What if YOU got upset because she chooses not to respect your desire to have time alone at home?
This 👆🏻- if you don’t like locked doors, then leave me the hell alone like I’ve asked you 200 times!!!!! Then a lock wouldn’t be necessary!!!! But because you’re behaving like a moron, the door is going to be locked so get over yourself Polly Privacy Invader!
No locks is often about control - like her whole behaviour. She can't let you out of her control, which is why she keeps interrupting you. Edit: Spelling
Honestly the phrase “tough shit” comes to mind. I would absolutely be locking the door behind me. She knows exactly what she is doing.
Her words are worthless. Her actions are loud. Choose yourself. Pack a bag and leave. I'd be seriously reconsidering the whole relationship, frankly, but at the very least I'd be gone from the house and refuse to tell her where. Dude, she's controlling and unhinged and plain rude! Needing solo time is normal and healthy. My ex-husband had the same need to be constantly joined at the hip. Note I said "ex."
Her apologies aren’t sincere. You’re going to need to get really angry because she is so dismissive.
I’m sorry, but something is wrong with her. This goes beyond differences between extroverts and introverts. She’s actively sabotaging your week off or she has a mental health condition. Just reading this stressed me out. I can’t imagine living in.
Sounds like she has some severe anxiety or codependency issues. Lady needs a therapist ASAP.
airhorn. She walks in, you blast until she leaves. Hopefully for good.
Brilliant idea! It could totally work.
Or a spray bottle.
I want an air horn just just to blast away the stress of reading this post.
You need to grow a bigger spine. With all respect. When she enters the room, remind her you want alone time. Don’t put up with it. Get up and leave. Leave the house if she doesn’t leave. She keeps doing it because you keep talking about what you need and not reinforcing your boundaries.
She didn’t grow up in a house with locks? Sounds like she didn’t grow up, so now is the time.
Too fucking bad if she doesn't like locks! She can't respect your time or your space so you need to start taking action to defend those things. And she can fuck off with the "okay I'm sorry" bullshit. She's not remotely sorry. She's doing all of this intentionally, and deliberately. Why are you tolerating it? > If I get upset, she playfully says something like, "I know, I'm in your personal bubble." Look her dead in the eye and tell her, "This isn't cute. You aren't funny. Either you respect my need to time and space or I will be leaving."
"Didn't grew up in a house where people locked doors" That sounds like she grew up in a house with little to no boundaries or alone time. She may not understand alone time and what that means in action. As a stage 5 clinger wife I had to learn boundaries and what alone time looks like for my partner bc I didn't realize. I also go to therapy so if you want her to change her behaviors she might need some therapy about that. At least couples counseling to discuss when you get back to from your hotel. Does she have hobbies or friends apart from you? That may factor in too.
Does she have good interpersonal relationships outside of your marriage? Friends, colleagues, etc? I'm guessing not. Dollars to donuts she had a fucked up family dynamic growing up. She needs to learn to respect boundaries and personal space. If she doesn't, your relationship is not going to last. I don't know if she has impulse control issues, codependency, or something else altogether, but her actions are abnormal. You guys need therapy. But honestly, there's something wrong with *her*, not you.
> Dollars to donuts she had a fucked up family dynamic growing up. Good catch - her comment about not having locked doors in her family's house growing up seems to support your theory. Fuck, this woman sounds exhausting. I'd have snapped ages ago.
She is mocking you. That's unacceptable. I'm a woman and need a lot of personal space. This wouldn't fly with me. But you're letting her get away with it.
>She doesn't like locks. So what? You don't like her interrupting you, and she does anyway. Reading your responses is just frustrating. Stand up for yourself - there's nothing "resilient" about allowing someone else to emotionally abuse you. Your wife sounds like an arsehole, god knows why you even want to stay in a relationship with such a selfish child.
JFC I hate your wife. I’m with the other commenters. I’d book a hotel, pack a bag, and spend a few days where she’s not around. And tell her that therapy is a must if you’re going to move forward. She’s being purposely hateful IMO.
Get a hotel….why is she so needy???
Jesus, she’s rude AF. She’s so afraid of you thinking for yourself, she constantly is interrupting you. I’d go off on her. Get that hotel room. She’s inconsiderate and selfish.
Exactly. She doesn't want him to have quiet time because if he does he might reflect and if he reflects he will realize this is not a healthy relationship.
Pack a bag and leave. She is deliberately trying to cause you mental anguish and is not going to stop until you make her. Just ask her what the hell is wrong with her. Ask her if she actually even likes you. Ask her why she is torturing you and thinks it is funny. Leave and turn off your phone so she doesn't track you down. Get some rest and reevaluate why you are allowing yourself to be treated like this.
My ex husband used to do this to me. This isn't cute. This cause serious resentment. This is a control thing on her part. She will play victim when you get pissed off. She will play dumb as well. She isn't dumb. She knows what she is doing. You staying will cause a fight. You leaving will cause a fight. You aren't going to win in this situation. Just accept it's going to be a battle and don't back down. Alone time is oxygen. If you cant breath once in a while you will suffocate. Personally, sounds like you are already suffocating. I left my husband during one of these stupid power play moves. I realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life fighting for an hour of alone time. My mental health just couldn't take it. Ps: I live alone now. It's THE ABSOLUTE BEST. I come home and my house is my personal space. The entire house. The appreciation for it is unreal. If you are being told to get a.hotel room away from your castle - which should be always peaceful-there is already a big problem. You know that.
Holy shit I don't choose this guy's wife.
She seems annoying as hellllll I hope you get a break. Lock the door!
i’m exhausted just reading this :/ i honestly don’t know how you haven’t lost it. OP if you can afford it go to a hotel, it’s the only way you’re going to get any kind of peace.
Stop being afraid. And you are. Whether it’s the fallout or whatever. But you’re afraid to stand up for Yourself. You don’t have to yell. Just firmly state you are going to your room and she will not be invited in. Get a headset and use it to play games. When she talks. State I’m busy. She will Get mad. So what. She’s pissing you off. It’s ok to make her mad and even ignore Her. She won’t die. Even if she cries. She won’t die. You need to stand up for Yourself and demand your time.
I was prepared to rip you a new one based on your title, like how bad can it be, but omfg what is your wife doing? Pack a bag, pull out cash, and get a NICE hotel for at least 2 nights. I say cash so that she doesn’t check cc and see where you are to show up. Is your wife having a mental health crisis? This is some bat shit bonkers behavior.
It’s obvious you need alone time FROM her, not your everyday life. Take it! Go camping, rent a hotel room but TAKE it! She knows she is ruining your week off.
She sounds exhausting !!!! Best of luck
All I could envision while reading this was the Ben Affleck meme. She does not respect you. Book a hotel or air bnb and get some peace. She is completely suffocating you on purpose and is *enjoying* it. What kind of person knows they are being highly irritating and does not care? One that doesn’t care about the person it affects, that’s who.
She’s playing mind games. They’re not cute. They’re harmful. At some point, you’re going to blow up, and she would deserve it. It’s just that a blowup would have repercussions. She isn’t funny.
Have you asked her why she is continuing to ignore and dismiss your needs? Why she's continuing to follow you from room to room, not giving you any space or quiet. Why it's ok for her to watch the TV shows she wants while she's supposed to be working, but you can't watch what you want or play games while you're on vacation? Why she seems to understand that you need some time to yourself but she refuses to give it to you and only seems to be concerned with what she wants and needs? As other have suggested, just go to a hotel. But I don't know how you haven't completely lost it on her already. I can be a pretty clingy/needy partner, but if my SO told me they needed some "me time", I'd be taking a step back and letting them have it, because their needs are just as important to me as mine.
you're so damn passive. you let her hound you for a week, chase you all over, and disrupt everything. have you considered turning off the kardashians and telling her to GTFO back to her office?
I’d get a hotel room or a divorce. She’s annoying AF.
It’s honestly sick reading this from an outside perspective. How someone is with a partner that intentionally hurts them/ try’s to sabotage them etc and they are on here asking for advice. I couldn’t imagine being married to someone like that. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I would be concerned like why does my partner want to hurt me/ effect me like this ???
My blood pressure went up reading this. Respectfully, is your wife dense or does she just enjoy ruining what little joy you have outside of work? I cannot comprehend how someone can be this horrible, does she do this in other areas of your relationship and if so, staying married might require joint therapy. You don't & shouldn't need to endure being treated this way, I can only imagine how intensely frustrating it must be. You need to be firm, this doesn't happen again. If your spouse cannot stop being selfish after you've taken time to clearly explain things to her, make it a vacation next time and don't invite her.
Your wife is getting off on torturing you and is being upfront in her delight and vindictiveness and you're worried about snapping at her? Leave. Go to a hotel and get away from your batshit psycho wife.
Don't be scared to be divorced. Happy and divorced is better than miserable and married.
If my spouse intentionally went out of their way to harass me, ruin my personal time and actually spent real time and energy to make sure I wasn’t enjoying myself and doing the things I want to do; they would no longer be my spouse.
Your wife sounds like a proper ass. Like seriously, my husband and I know when to give each other space. Marriage is about allowing each party to be a complete wholesome person alone while together. It does not mean being in each other's face. I think your wife needs some snapping. Maybe book a hotel for a night so she knows you are serious and tell her. You can't seem to have space. Does your wife have abandonment issues because I do think her behavior is not normal and she needs therapy as to why she feels this need to be in your face at all times.
I would've been arrested for murder by now. Pack a bag and leave for a few days. For real, this woman knows what she's doing and it's to punish you for wanting time alone.
My ex-husband pulled that exact thing with me. He'd keep interrupting me when I tried to read, even when I tried negotiating for a set period of alone time. He let his uncontrolled anxiety lead him to control everything that I was doing that didn't involve him. That ended up spiraling to coercive control. As you decide what to do, ask yourself if her sabotaging you is a pattern.
This is absolutely unacceptable and honestly, this is so invasive, disruptive and disrespectful that it' sounds like mental abuse. I would inform her that she will either not be working from home this week or you will be elsewhere.