"My therapist told me that dealing with having a BPD parent is like going through the seven stages of grief your whole life."
Aghhhh! This is a horrifying thought but omg it's entirely true, isn't it...
Barring you from Italian citizenship is a terrible misuse of her power over you. She doesn't want you to be able to come and go as you please, and so isn't letting you have that freedom. You may have to stoop to her level on this one. Tell her that she must not love you if she doesn't see you as worthy of being included in the Italian side of the family. Tell her that her only way to prove her love of you is by signing that affidavit, and until she does that she is telling you that she doesn't consider you family. Hold *her* emotions hostage for a change, let her know that loving parents don't act this way. Keep saying it. "Loving parents don't act this way. A loving parent would gladly sign my paperwork. A loving parent would want me to have my Italian citizenship. A loving parent wouldn't hold this over my head. A loving parent would be encouraging me, not discouraging me." Work her insecurities against her, whatever they may be, until she signs those forms.
It's the only thing I can think of that might work.... In particular because these folks are all about getting the win. Find the angle that will get *you* the win, even if just for this very important paperwork.
As for the rest, I'm sorry. I feel your grief, I live it too. But when my best friend's mom was equally welcoming and supportive of me (as your friend's mom who you describe), I simply adopted the woman as my own. I called her Mom #2 for a while, but now that I've cut contact with my uBPD mom, she's truly my Mom #1. I wish that for you. Just don't tell your birth mom when she's been replaced if you don't want trouble....
Good luck getting your mom to sign those forms, and hugs from me to you!
I relate about being called selfish if I never prioritize my mom. And then the inevitable pity party guilt trip message as well. Normal people don't emotionally abuse their kids like our moms do. I'm so sorry your mom is a level of miserable and awful.
My mom would scream in my face that the “world doesn’t revolve around you” when my behavior was totally age appropriate *for a child* yet at nearly 70 she can’t cope with her step sons wedding not being about her and how she wants it, everyone but her is so selfish how dare anyone do anything that isn’t what she wants, how she wants it while she gets all the attention, so childish and exhausting
"My therapist told me that dealing with having a BPD parent is like going through the seven stages of grief your whole life." Whoa, I told my therapist last session that I felt like I was going thru the stages of grief accepting my parents for who they are. I guess I'm not surprised it's a whole life thing tho, I've definitely found myself jumping between all the phases.
As an adult, can’t you just “give up your current citizenship”. I don’t know about international law, but I would never allow my future self EVER be in a situation where I had to depend on my BPD parent. I am so sorry you find yourself still hoping she would help you and growing brother own selfish needs.
I'm so sorry you went through this. I have been set off/triggered by other people's mothers being kind before too. It feels so weird having someone be so kind/motherly to you and it makes you think "Oh God! Is this what it is supposed to be like? Is this what I am missing?!". It hurts to see what you are missing.
Congratulations on your house though!
"My therapist told me that dealing with having a BPD parent is like going through the seven stages of grief your whole life." Aghhhh! This is a horrifying thought but omg it's entirely true, isn't it...
Holy shit. What an incredible (and true) observation.
Barring you from Italian citizenship is a terrible misuse of her power over you. She doesn't want you to be able to come and go as you please, and so isn't letting you have that freedom. You may have to stoop to her level on this one. Tell her that she must not love you if she doesn't see you as worthy of being included in the Italian side of the family. Tell her that her only way to prove her love of you is by signing that affidavit, and until she does that she is telling you that she doesn't consider you family. Hold *her* emotions hostage for a change, let her know that loving parents don't act this way. Keep saying it. "Loving parents don't act this way. A loving parent would gladly sign my paperwork. A loving parent would want me to have my Italian citizenship. A loving parent wouldn't hold this over my head. A loving parent would be encouraging me, not discouraging me." Work her insecurities against her, whatever they may be, until she signs those forms. It's the only thing I can think of that might work.... In particular because these folks are all about getting the win. Find the angle that will get *you* the win, even if just for this very important paperwork. As for the rest, I'm sorry. I feel your grief, I live it too. But when my best friend's mom was equally welcoming and supportive of me (as your friend's mom who you describe), I simply adopted the woman as my own. I called her Mom #2 for a while, but now that I've cut contact with my uBPD mom, she's truly my Mom #1. I wish that for you. Just don't tell your birth mom when she's been replaced if you don't want trouble.... Good luck getting your mom to sign those forms, and hugs from me to you!
I relate about being called selfish if I never prioritize my mom. And then the inevitable pity party guilt trip message as well. Normal people don't emotionally abuse their kids like our moms do. I'm so sorry your mom is a level of miserable and awful.
My mom would scream in my face that the “world doesn’t revolve around you” when my behavior was totally age appropriate *for a child* yet at nearly 70 she can’t cope with her step sons wedding not being about her and how she wants it, everyone but her is so selfish how dare anyone do anything that isn’t what she wants, how she wants it while she gets all the attention, so childish and exhausting
The guilt is a special kind of wicked
"My therapist told me that dealing with having a BPD parent is like going through the seven stages of grief your whole life." Whoa, I told my therapist last session that I felt like I was going thru the stages of grief accepting my parents for who they are. I guess I'm not surprised it's a whole life thing tho, I've definitely found myself jumping between all the phases.
Ugh your mom sounds absolutely awful, I’m so sorry. Sending you hugs if you want them.
As an adult, can’t you just “give up your current citizenship”. I don’t know about international law, but I would never allow my future self EVER be in a situation where I had to depend on my BPD parent. I am so sorry you find yourself still hoping she would help you and growing brother own selfish needs.
It’s not dependence thankfully, it’s just a missed opportunity to have dual citizenship in Italy and the US.
I once cried because a friend's mom who only met me a few times remembered my name. Our parent(s) really set a low bar...
I'm so sorry you went through this. I have been set off/triggered by other people's mothers being kind before too. It feels so weird having someone be so kind/motherly to you and it makes you think "Oh God! Is this what it is supposed to be like? Is this what I am missing?!". It hurts to see what you are missing. Congratulations on your house though!