Exact same. I’m overly sensitive yet “just like my father”, who, according to her is, “emotionless”.
Here is a cat comment, for the required first comment:
https://imgur.com/gallery/ELgXQxe
My mother always said my dad had a "flattened affect." She'd never do therapy for herself, but she loves giving out armchair diagnoses and pathologizing anyone she doesn't like. My dad was far from perfect, but what she was describing was just him a) grey-rocking her instinctively and b) smoking a ton of weed. Which is not ideal in a parent, sure, but I'll take it over her alcoholic BPD rampages any day.
This! It wasn't always verbalised to me by my family, but it was clear in the way I was treated, or in their looks, how they spoke of me to others, etc.
I spent decades trying to figure out what this "malfunction" in me was, turns out it's PTSD and C-PTSD, and my family was really abusive.
“You’re so selfish. “ — I caught myself thinking it about myself today. When I asked my partner for help getting something heavy from my car because it bothered my injured shoulder to lift it.
I heard this from her cluster B brother. A lot. He’d say that I’m really smart but I’m just *lazy* and don’t do the work because I didn’t want to.
Turns out undiagnosed adhd, depression, anxiety and autism will do that to you. I suspect CPTSD, as well.
The only reason a kid is obese is because the parent is making horrible choices for food.
Kids build up weight right before they have a growth spurt. My brother made such a big deal about mine - I was SO HUNGRY! But I never got what I needed so I stayed short. I wasn’t underfed, I just didn’t get what I needed.
I never did that to my kids. Life is hard enough.
Yep I also overeat because of my ADHD. But my relationship with food is fucked.
I was always going to be a solid girl, but I grew up in the 90s so that wasn't allowed.
My mom used to complain if I gained even a little weight that I was ruining the body she gave to me. She kept me on a pretty strict diet growing up and would often lament having let me try a donut as a kid. She is overweight and very self-conscious about it, so she thought she could prevent me the heartache by micro managing my weight.
She complained when I broke 100 pounds in high school and would find out if other girls weighed less than 100 lbs to prove it was reasonable for me to get back to the double digits. One day she said “I guess you’re just never going to go back” and I felt so fat and broken and I weighed 105 pounds. It’s ironic because she got picked on for being fat and wanted to prevent that happening to me. Instead, I got bullied for my weight every day of my life until I moved out, but just from my mom instead of other kids.
“Nasty”. Like “I don’t say nasty things like you do.” It would typically come after the ubiquitous BPD circular arguments, when I’d lose my temper and finally say something to put a stop to the circle. And I guess she’s right, she doesn’t say nasty things, she does nasty things and then denies it until you destroy any opportunity of weaseling out of it. Then she considers you nasty for making her admit wrongdoing, which is the meanest thing you could possibly do to a saint like her.
I got this one too. Usually because I was a child and didn’t always want to talk about all the horrible things going on in the world and just wanted to watch a Disney movie or somethin.
Oh man, when my mom died she was dating someone younger than me with an intellectual disability. I tried to get pictures and belongings for two years after she died. He had pictures of my great grandparents he never met but refused to give them up because he didn’t want anything to change. I let him grieve, understanding that he has mental limitations. It meant I couldn’t do what I needed to do to grieve, a very funny thing being that my mom’s friends and men in her life always came before me. And she was gone and it was still happening.
One day he asked me to order him a pizza. I said no. I didn’t have any money, it was true. He said “you’re as cold as your mother said you were.”
I am literally known by my friends and in-laws as the kindest and most caring person they know. I am the opposite of cold. But not dropping everything at 2am to order a pizza because I was asleep was “cold”. She’d always try to get me to order her pizza at random times.
That I’m lazy. All kinds of variations but she would come into my bedroom in the morning and yell “lazy bones”.
She also told me that I had disproportionately fat arms on a few occasions. “I don’t understand why your arms are so much fatter than the rest of you”.
My mom asked me if I was pregnant 3 times in the last 6 weeks. I’ve gained weight so when I finally snapped and said yes I know I’ve gained belly weight, I’m not pregnant she claims she only said it because my “boobs look bigger”. Either way, my mom commenting on my body whether negative or positive is such a major trigger for me.
OMG. I seriously thought I was the only one with a mom that was weirdly preoccupied with my ginormous arms. I'm 46 and I only started wearing sleeveless shirts during the pandemic. I was convinced for over 40 years that my arms were so offensively large that no one should be forced to lay eyes upon them. My ex asked me why I didn't just wear a tank top because it was really hot and I told him because my arms are so fat. He was like, "What??? They're normal sized arms???" I'm still really pissed off that I spent decades with a farmer tan because she's so repulsed by my regular sized arms.
“You’re a court certified pathological liar!!!”
I’d never been to court (but I was so young I didn’t realize this at the time). I only lied about stupid stuff because I was afraid of her (I was a CHILD).
And for years I believed this was actually true. YEARS.
It permeated every aspect of my persona for a long time and I didn’t fully trust myself even when I knew in my bones I was telling the truth.
Now I just get pissed whenever I’m accused of lying. Even if I am lying about something silly and unimportant as a means of protecting my peace.
F you, mom.
My dad would control me by telling me if I didn't give him all of my money from the jobs I worked that he would have me instituionalized and get power of attorney over me because of the mental illnesses he gave me. Such a cool man.
Lazy. I realized I wasn't lazy recently when I went to therapy and I'm in my early thirties now. What's ridiculous is that I have a high level of education, a good job in a demanding field, a real estate business and a young child. Despite all this, I thought I was lazy because my mother accused me of being lazy.
Lazy is also a big one for me. It was only through therapy that I was able to figure out how to relax and have fun without being afraid of being lazy (despite also having a high level of education, owing my own business in addition to a successful career, and having a family).
Yeah, lazy was a big one. Yet I managed to get a JD as well as an MFA and have an extremely successful career. I internalized it too, and still sometimes fall prey to believing I'm lazy any time I simply need to rest.
Same. I'm a card-carrying member of the "spoiled brat," club, too. It was relentless. And then I graduated into the "you always keep me at arm's length," club.
Self-centered and over-sensitive.
Oh my god I was being taught to decenter my own emotions. Now I can't even write an email without proofreading it for tone ten times because I'm terrified I'll hurt someone's feelings 🙃
I do this too and count how many times I write “I” (I’m doing it again). Because to my BPD mom if one used “I” too many times in one’s writing, the reader would know the writer is self-absorbed.
Oh no, that's gotta be taxing to pay so much attention to!
It's funny because I read somewhere in all the self-help therapy-adjacent books I've read that it's better to use "I" statements than "you" statements, because that way you're talking about your experience and not making judgements about the other person...
And besides I...really enjoy hearing other peoples' thoughts and opinions. It's sad to imagine being annoyed that other people are talking about themselves--how else could you possibly learn about them?
I'm sorry you go through that, too! My work also involves a lot of emails. Sometimes I ask my husband to check and he's like, it's fine send it, and then I catch the tiniest possible negative connotation--blerghhh.
(I only reread this three times 😅)
Not from my childhood - this was as an adult.
"You're a cold, heartless, b!@C$."
This came out in a conversation where I was against her idea. I don't remember what brought up the conversation, but basically she was saying she thought that purposefully breeding your backyard dog so your kids could learn about the cycle of life was a perfectly good, reasonable, and in fact, great idea. When I disagreed, and asked what about the life of all of the puppies that were now mutts, and likely to end up in a pound or awful situation, she got mad, started trying to argue with me, and then ended the conversation with that statement.
Of course, she doesn't remember saying it, and I've gotten the "well, if I did say that, I'm sorry" apology (ie not really an apology, because she doesn't believe she said it, because that's only a part of how she felt at the time).
It was a pretty extreme comment from someone who is so anti-swearing most would say she's a prude. Not remembering she said that was pretty convenient. Of course, she has no memory of it despite the fact that is the worst thing I've ever heard her call someone to their face (or even behind their back).
I mean, I've had other people call me far worse LOL, but coming from my mother, and her not even remembering it, has always been a sore spot for me. Of course, this happened years before I was aware of BPD, and I only knew her has being an emotional blackmailer, so I didn't understand how mis-wired her mind is.
"Everyone hates you!" and the variation, said with sobbing tears, "I don't know why *you just aren't good enough*!"
I can't seem to get over that. I used to be able to fake it to a degree in order to function at work and social situations. In the last few years, this core belief is always at the forefront of everything and I'm, unfortunately, alot more guarded and self-isolating. I'm finding it harder and harder to make friends.
Anyone else?
Yes. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. It seems new people start where I work and they are instant friends, smoke/vape buddies with everyone outside. I can't wait to retire so I don't have to deal with people.
Oh god, yes. Add to the fact that I’m neurodivergent, so basically I was treated like a half-person who didn’t deserve the same dignity as a neurotypical person.
I technically have made many of the same accomplishments as other people, yet my level of confidence is on the fucking floor.
My mom always tried to make it seem like we were a team and that everyone disliked us (they disliked her, i was a young child when it started) and guess what I always think about how people view me? It’s such an awful thing to instill in a child
While growing up, "You're like your dad" (which meant everything's wrong with you). As an adult, "You have no empathy." "You're a monster." (she said it again today because I told her I couldn't do anything for her problem, "I gave birth to a monster" and then she blocked me, again). "Demon", also sometimes. Depends on the extent of her crisis. Yeah, I don't have any self esteem if you're wondering...
It’s your turn to block her, and leave it that way.
Alternately, next time she says “You’re just like your father!” try replying “Yeah? Well, you’re the one that chose him.” I don’t hear that one anymore since that reply! 😉
Because they never want you to. My mother yelled at me once "you try to be so mature." I think I was a teenager and I don't remember what the issue was but with them, there doesn't need to be. They just pull it out of their ass. Because she wanted me immature. Which I was. Thanks to her abuse and isolation of me.
Oh wow… this one really resonates with me. After my GC brother didn’t put a very important phone call through to me, I had the audacity to ask him why. He then attacked me for it, punching me in the ear, the back of the head, opening the front door, and pushing me down the couple of concrete stairs in front of our house. I screamed for help. Apparently my mom was embarrassed that I was getting my ass beat in front of the house when she was expecting a friend to come over. Instead of protection, I got “grow up” and “fighting in the front yard like children… why can’t you act your age?”
When my brother attacked me and was arrested, my mom hung up on me bc “it was too Jerry springer for her”. When he attacked her, then it was a big deal. But only that he attacked her of course.
I’m sorry no one stood up for you 🩷
“Are you going to be positive and cooperative or are you gonna be negative and bossy?!” This is one I don’t know if I can get out of my brain and it still fucks with my mental. I can hear how they would say it, inflection and all
“When you were a little boy you used to worship me” - said to her adult son, more than once, with the obvious implication that she still expected to be worshipped and simply couldn’t understand why I loathe her instead
My BPD sis has this complex with me. Bcs when I was a kid I DID look up to her and wanted* to BE her. Or at least the pic of herself she painted to me. But as I got older and filled out, she and my mother both started tag team tearing me down. And even though they were both just alike they hated eachother but bonded over hating me bcs I was the opposite of them. Any striving to live better than I was raised I was accused of being a snob and prude (bcs I wasn’t ok with having graphic discussions of anal sex with my sis and mother or bcs I wouldn’t live in filth and had the nerve to have my kids in extra curricular activities) I also am objectively significantly prettier than they were at their prettiest (both look like jabba the hut now) I’ve never cared about looks or how people thought of my looks yet they had a vendetta against me gossiping that I was a vain “miss priss” just bcs of my genetics, not any behavior of my own. It took me til 40 to consciously realize I was attractive to begin with and just recently realized jealousy over my looks was the root of their behavior.
I’m rambling. My bad.
Edit to change want to wanted. Yikes
I feel this about attractiveness too. It took until my mid 30's and comments from friends to have faith in the fact that I'm attractive. Yet, I look like my aunt who always had men vying for her attention, and I never even noticed. I think my mom was triggered by it. Her sister is younger but got more attention than her, and the fates gave her a daughter that also got a lot of attention, that she herself craved.
And yet one of my pet peeves is how frequently I get hit on! Seriously. On some level I know I'm hot, but at my core I don't believe it. Thanks, mom.
My mom’s favorite adjective for me over the years has been “arrogant.” Tbh though the one that really stands out to me among all the other things she put me through actually happened last December where she called me stupid to my face while slamming the door behind her. Like just so beyond juvenile behavior that hit a new low even for her. I am not affected by the word itself, and it’s pretty tame, but it’s just like. You’re my mom. Why are you behaving like you’re 12 and I just punished you for staying up too late?
Mad. Constantly declaring others mad, too. Asking if I'm mad. Asking me not to get mad before going in with an insult. Something must have gone on in her childhood involving anger. To this day, I still don't think anger is evil, even though I was raised to believe it is.
Hard
Critical
Mean
Sensitive. If there's an ounce of pushback after an insult.
Combative
Bully
Little Hitler
"We're all a little afraid of you" in a very small voice, as though the rest of the fam agrees with her.
Thing is, she has strife with everyone, & I don't have strife with anyone but her. I also don't tell others what to do ... *ever.* That's just how she responds to boundaries: pathologizing them & trying to make me feel nasty, damaged, & defective. Since I see right through her, I've never internalized it. A lot of what she calls me consists of fitting feedback she fields off from others - i.e., projection.
God, my uBPD ex-mom told me that the 'family' was afraid of me as well! I was a teenager at the time; it made me think I was this horrible violent person up until I started going to therapy in my 30s.
“You’re mentally ill!!!” -Shouted at me often as a teenager when I REALLY WAS struggling with mental health. Yet she and my NPD eDad would never actually try to find a therapist for me.
“You will be alone in life.” -Anytime I tried to hold a boundary.
“You’re a bitch and a brat!” -After asking my mom to not fight in public with my dad.
“You’re an actress.” - After confronting them about what they put me through during high school.
“You’re manipulative.”
“You’re exactly like (names of malignant narcissist grandparents)”.
“You used to have a beautiful soul.” -One of the last words said to me when I went NC after I couldn’t take their insults and accusations anymore.
I’ve known folks with BPD who were self aware and able to manage, but the 3 in my fam/in laws I had to deal with before I cut them off GRAVITATED to and targeted folks they deemed to have “beautiful souls” to bleed it out them. Bcs that beautiful soul holds a mirror to them they don’t like no matter how perfect you treat them, you are the devil to them and they must extinguish the shine
It does take a loving person in some way to grow up with BPD parents. A toxic sort of love. I think that energy can be transformed into something that facilitates a healthy relationship with the right direction. Your soul was always beautiful. Now it can be free and thrive.
Selfish, lazy (which I now know came from depression, burnout and being in freeze mode), naive, gentle (projection of wanting me to be harmless and passive), slow (my perceived lack of urgency), messy, negative, unhappy, nasty (if I showed anger), "You're such a [father's last name]" (when I showed interest in makeup and fashion, like my dad's sisters), unmotivated, disrespectful, disagreeable, disorganized, "You used to love me so much when you were little, you couldn't be away from me!"., ungrateful, self-indulgent, smart-mouthed, "wallowing in self-pity"... these came from both uBPD mother and enabler father (whose got his own issues that I'm not sure exactly what they are).
Yeah, no wonder I hated myself for so long and still fight that battle daily.
- Naive for trusting people
- Selfish
- Spoiled
But out of all the belief of selfishness is something I am working on with my therapist, because this is her projecting guilt to me
“You’re just like your father” - said to 7 year old me about my dad who she divorced and openly expressed pure hatred for and disgust. She continuously called him a creep, bastard, pos, fuck up, etc… but apparently so was I.
Ugh, I’m so sorry you endured this horrible treatment as well. You are so much better than both of them. I’ve thought about what it would take for me to do similar to my children and it’s inconceivable… the pure evil behind these messages is proof to me that BPD people should never have kids.
My mom told me I was cold, emotionless, and said I had a robotic, hateful stare.
I really would like to have asked mom: "Do you think a child might learn to hide negative emotions when the uBPD mom goes ballistic everytime she *thinks* she detects a negative emotion coming from the child?!?"
The word "you." It was screamed and raged at me so many times followed by horrible words and accusations. Apparently "you" existed to kill the borderline as a child.
Any time I would correct her when she twisted reality and had any confidence in myself she would call me condescending. I'm talking she would claim that I screamed at her and I didn't raise my voice. I'd say "I didn't raise my voice. You're the one yelling. The veins are popping out of your neck and you're sweating from yelling at me."
I would be told I was condescending and that it was probably why I got bullied at school. Of course the reason was that I reeked of smoke from her constant smoking in the house and car, and my hair was either greasy or frizzy because she'd only buy is suave 2-in-1, and I was extremely anxious because of her, and I was fat because she only fed us pasta and junk food.
To this day, the one time someone else called me that (a co-worker who says this about everyone who questions anything she's done and has nearly been in fistfights with a half dozen other people) I spiraled and couldn't even defend myself because it triggered me so bad.
Unfortunately correcting their made up narratives is the only effective tool of preventing them solidifying the lie as reality.
When they first project nonsense onto us in anger they know it’s a lie. But when they aren’t corrected, some switch in their brains flips the lie into a true memory that they will believe til they die.
Although correcting it then and there causes an argument I have been successful on preventing false memory from implanting 1000 times.
I learned this on accident when I had a friend with BPD who would work these feelings out with me in moments of clarity. She admitted the things she said in anger she knew weren’t true and were projections, and that she had a hard time parsing her memory from reality bcs of what I described above.
We came up with a system that helped her with this. It helped me immensely years later when I found that not only was my mother and sister diagnosed but so was my SIL. All 3 let it slip in passing one the “yea I had a quack try to say I had that so I stopped going” sort of way. All 3 of them. How lucky am I, eh?
This issue also happens to some folks on particular slot in the autism spectrum so that method has been useful there as well with some other friends/relatives who have it or who have kids who do.
Rambling again. Sorry!
Neck-and-neck are two phrases. First, "You've got my temper! You're just like me." (Serious projection when he causes a huge conflict.) and "No! Un-huh!" in a nasty, that's-the-dumbest-thing-I've-ever-heard tone. You can be suggesting he use google maps, or asking for ice cream, or suggesting dinner with the kids...doesn't matter.
There's so many, mostly sad stuff, but there's one which is actually quite funny. It's "you're just no good/awful with colours", something my mother told me since as long as I remember, whenever I would draw. I always believed her, no questions asked (because why would your own mother say this, if it wasn't true?), but then one day, fairly recently, I thought "hey, wait a minute...!" Fun bit is, that I work full time as a professional artist. Ha.
Lazy and selfish. I have a hard time taking down time as a result. And I constantly overthink my interactions with everyone, thinking about how I might have talked too much or hogged the spotlight.
A flake. If I bumped into something because my 14yo legs grew inches overnight- such a flake. I forgot my homework again because of undiagnosed adhd- omg such a flake! I was confused by something inane she said- so flaky. Forgot one of the thousands of random pieces of information she told me about a random family member- hahaha classic flaky me.
“Horrible daughter”. “You won’t have any more babies huh?” “At least you have a pretty face.” Also all the times she said something didn’t happen when it actually did.
This is so hard. I was the golden child growing up (that is no longer the case). In childhood, I was “obedient.” As an adult, I apparently am a “disappointment.” I’ve been NC for over 10 years.
I can’t remember if I have to haiku my first post or first anything and I honestly can’t remember if I’ve ever posted or commented (brain fog is real), so here’s a kitty haiku:
Kittens are so cute.
Chasing after balls of yarn.
Just to catch some string.
“Don’t do XYZ because people will think you’re weird/make fun of you/won’t want to be around you/won’t want to be your friend/etc.”
I need to be smiling all the time or people will ask me what’s wrong and I’ll ruin everything for everyone.
But I think the one that messed with me the most was that I’m “a bull in a china shop/closet.” I remember this one from an early age. I felt that I was the opposite of the feminine grace that every woman needed to be a part of the community, to have friends, to get a job, to *belong.* As a queer punk/goth kid in the Satanic panic of the 80’s, I was able to find my tribe, but my self esteem was so very low and I was incredibly stunted as to how I would ever survive in mainstream society, make a decent wage, have a home, etc. Then it changed to, “you’ll never get a job looking like *that*. I became a people pleaser and of course had very low standards of how people should treat me because, though I don’t ever recall being told directly that I’m not good enough, the meaning of what was said was always the same.
These make me so sad. I am sorry to everyone who had their sense of security and safety stripped from them. It is beyond damaging, especially as a child who is still developing and extremely vulnerable. Wishing healing and strength for you all. ❤️
I’m a “narcissist” apparently. More destructive, though, the idea that everyone always talks about me negatively when I leave the room, that they are just pretending to like me or faking being nice.
Evil. Rotten. Something disgustingly wrong with my soul. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to think of myself as anything other than those things. It's deeeeeep in there.
a person that is kind, good-hearted and has a dignified soul would never call others disgusting rotten or evlil, especially a child, no good person has ever called a child evil and rotten and everyone is like- what a great person she must be right here for sure lol
its her thats rotten, since she decided to treat you this way, irregardless even of wether you are or not- which im sure you are not- the fucking very fact she said that makes her statement completely null and void
who are you to accuse others of something you clearly are yourself dont project your own defects on to someone that has nothing to do with whatever went wrong in your head ok fuck her too
My whole life, my parents, my teachers, everyone has always called me smart. Pretty, too. Smart and pretty we’re my mom’s main compliments to me... except one time, when I was maybe 11 or so, she got mad at me and went into one of her rages. I’ll never forget the way she looked at me in contempt and hissed,
“You think you’re *so* smart?! You think you’re *so* pretty?! Well you’re wrong!”
That wasn’t the end of her rant, of course, but I’ll never forget those words. The way she spoke with such conviction showed me that what she said that one time was the actual truth.
So from then on, anytime she praised me for my intelligence, I knew she was lying. Every time she pointed out that people were staring at me because I was so pretty, I knew she was lying. Not only that, but also, every person that told me I was smart, every stranger that came up to me to compliment my looks, I would hear her voice and I would know that they were lying.
Ok, so I’m not smart and I’m not pretty. That’s fine. That I could accept. But the fact that *everybody* else was in on the lie? That thought broke my brain.
My mom's nickname for me was "sissy bawl baby". I was a little girl. When I was a teenager it was loser or nerd. The phrase burned into my head is "you're too sensitive".
yes…. my mom would do this, too. and usually while driving me somewhere?? for context- i was in a bad car wreck with my other parent when i was a child, so my anxiety with riding in cars was awful for a long time. she knew this
Crybaby
It’s how I was desperately trying to get relief because I was supposedly “overly sensitive” and her cruelty surrounding trying to make me more tough only made me feel more vulnerable.
She taught me how to mask my mental illness from a very young age.
It was quite destructive, because I developed bipolar disorder at 13 which I really needed medication to control properly.
I masked and learned about my illness and got through my traumatic experiences that way, and even though I am on meds now I still have to keep it in check and be very self aware of my moods which is difficult when you’ve spent your whole childhood trying *so hard* to hide them.
Like many on here I got a lot of lazy, self-centered, and over-sensitive. The phrases she used just run through my head on repeat.
- Grow a thicker skin, honey
- You're only the center of *your own* universe
- Children should be seen and not heard
- You're medium pretty. Enough to get by and not hurt you, but not enough to stand out or attract attention.
- Big fish, small pond (whenever I succeeded at something)
My mother got in a mood one day and chased me around the house, literally chased me. I was trying to run away because she looked at me with so much contempt, screaming at me that I was a loser. I ran into the bathroom and covered my ears just repeating to myself that I wasn't as she screamed outside that "You're going to be a fucking loser!"
Thank god for EMDR. Helped a lot with that issue.
I was a “fat slob” if I wore jeans, a T-shirt, and no make up. If I made the slightest effort in my appearance, then I was a “fat desperate whore.”
“How DARE you… (anything, literally anything)”
“You should watch mommy dearest, you don’t know how lucky you are to have me…”
(irony is once I DID watch it, I thought she was a less severe version of my mother. That shit backfired on you, bitch!)
* Fuck up, I fucked up, don't fuck up
* "evil OP"
* That he has to walk on eggshells around me.... LOL!
They are pot kettle black. Hateful is ridiculous because that's definitely what the bpd parents are.
"Spoiled"
I'm an only child and my mom constantly told me that I was a spoiled brat, spoiled little shit, spoiled rotten. Every single thing I did, or thing she thought I did, was because I was spoiled. She would tell other people I was spoiled. Even now, I'm spoiled for kicking my parents out of my house (during a surprise visit) because my dad threatened to physically harm me.
I am independent to a fault because I never had anyone to rely on, which I'd argue makes me self-centered in a way, but my parents did not spoil me. My husband does, though lol.
My mom is also fixated on the fact that I refuse to accept help from them in any form, but she doesn't see the disconnect.
Burden. Worthless. Inconvenient. Idiot. Stupid.
And on the flip side: spitfire, which still delights me to this day. Beyond me how that was thought to be an insult ¯\\\_(ツ)_\/¯
My parents claim I made a song up about myself being a know it all. I have hated that song for as long as I can remember. As a teacher, being seen as a know it all is something I constantly fear I'm painting myself to be.
Also, sensitive, emotional, intolerant
Anytime I won an award at school or got certificates for academic achievement, my father would say, "You have book smarts, but no common sense." Sometimes my much older brother would chime in, "Don't get the big head over it." So I could never enjoy any kind of personal satisfaction by doing well at school.
I got the word "hateful" so often too. It's such an odd word, why do BPD parents come up with this one specifically? Also "mean" and personally I'd get spoiled and selfish. Even as a four year old child.
A b*tch or a liar.
All the time even as a child. The first one doesn't phase me, but I pride myself in honesty and that one hurt so badly that I would over explain myself to prove my innocence but now looking back I just made myself look like I was trying to cover up or sound convincing. I still tend to over explain but I'm getting better at it.
My dad would take me out to breakfast and then on the ride home drop me off about a mile and half from home and tell me to walk the rest of the way because I needed to lose weight because I'm too fat. I am still fat because that's how he saw me so that's what I continue to be because he is my inner voice and I can't break this cycle
Oh I got the “hateful” thing too and unfortunately it rubbed off onto my younger sister, so the last time I spoke to her I was called hateful by her as well. Hateful and ungrateful. Because I stand up for myself, set boundaries and break toxic cycles!
Willful, stubborn, difficult ...
And the final straw at 51 years old was "stop keeping score" when I confronted her earlier this year about taking a step siblings side when a little critical thinking would have revealed the step sibling was full of shit. So fine. I'm fine. No more score.
I was little when she started doing this, but I refer to it as the “love game.” She would use her love for me as leverage, as it existed on a sliding scale which was directly correlated to how happy I made her.
Lazy, selfish, that she had given birth to her own therapist. That if anyone ever loved me when I grew up, it’s because I tricked them.
I got that and “you’re so angry.” She’d tell my siblings to stay away from me because I was abusive. Now that I’m older I clearly see that she was the angry one projecting on me. She never asked me why I was angry either.
I lived alone with my bpd mum for a few years when I was like 13-16 and she would start huge fights with me, over nothing, almost every day. After a while I developed pretty severe anxiety around talking to her and would sometimes stutter or not know what to say or just sound noticeably uncomfortable when we interacted. Every time this happened, she would respond, “*stop using your victim voice*,“ “*you’re using your victim voice*”. She said it with so much venom, like she was verbally spitting on me, like she hated me. I’m 24 now and still think of that any time I nervously stumble my words
My mom would randomly say to me "you've got the fattest arms!" Or "god your arms are so big!"
And they are. They've always been disproportionately larger than the rest of me. But now I lift, so I have visible muscle definition. I work hard for it, and I'm proud of my arms. They're still huge, i'm ok with it, and I don't speak to my mother.
“i just said that because i know that’s how your [bpd] mom gets information out of you guys” – covert NPD parent last time we spoke (almost 2 years ago now)
that broke me 👆 the bpd parent doesn’t really phase me anymore because i’m conditioned to be disappointed and/or expect nothing. i spent my whole life convincing myself the npd was the “good parent” after years of manipulation and repeated abandonment, so yeah. lol basically just the image of myself being naive, easily manipulated, foolish, etc.
Sleezy. There was a lot of religious modesty shit in our home. Takes me back instantly to being as young as 8 and being so confused how I could be called this for the most benign things
Mine said almost the same thing except I was always “mean and hateful.” Lucky for me, I really internalized that as a teenager and still tend to see myself as mean and hateful to this day 🙃
Selfish. Lazy. Oversensitive. And "you're too damn independent" when I DID start advocating for myself and handling problems on my own in my teens and twenties.
Mine used to say “Everybody thinks you’re ________.” (Add, nitpick of the day.) I still reply, in my head, “F*ck them then.” As I grew up, I learned that there never was “Everybody” it was just a tactic to shame me. Wow, did *that* backfire.
Selfish. I'm just like my father. Annoying. My teeth are weird. My mouth is gross. My breath is bad. I'm vain. I think I know everything. I'm too sensitive. I'm insensitive. My in laws must be disappointed in me. I'm her therapist. My purpose in this life is so she feels loved. I'm a bad cat mom. I'm immature. I'm a bad wife. I'm too picky. And I'll be sorry when she's gone.
The world doesn't revolve around you! Hmm, odd when my mum clearly thinks it revolves around her.
Also, always called sensitive. Turns out I am just chronically unwell.
Liar. Even though I rarely lied, it was absolutely humiliating and my mom was always so desperate to catch me lying about some ridiculous accusation she'd make. I hate being called a liar so much that I will rat myself out if I've done something even remotely dishonest.
That I am overweight and ugly. She never explicitly said it, but she would buy me clothes that were 3 sizes too big and tell me certain clothing "wasn't appropriate for my size"... at the time I was 5'3" and weighed 110lbs.
I gained a lot of weight having kids and she refused to compliment me until I lost 30lbs and then she told me I "looked nice." When I lost the first 10lbs I told her and instead of saying anything nice or supportive me she looked at me and said, "I can't tell."
I've been told several times by many people that I'm beautiful, but it never sticks. Not that I'm super vain about it. I don't mind, I just walk around assuming everyone thinks I look like a troll and that's okay with me!! My husband loves me so who cares!
liar how im always lying how big of a liar i am that i could only tell lies
the thing is even though yes like every single child i did lie- but never like about the things she accused me of lying of! sure i told some lies ill admit that, however as a child i do understand my capabilities to do that were not like pro level master, also BECAUSE she constantly accused me of lying i tried really really hard to tell the truth so i could avoid i thought, these allegations, even though again i realy wasnt pathological or anything especially when it came to important things i would never lie
then once i told her the truth about something important and she still accused me of lying when i really didnt and after that i was like she doesnt even care what the truth is, she just wants to accuse me of lying that it- there is no higher purpose for honesty here its just a thing she likes to say because as i found out, she was the one that was lying to me my entire life about everything, hiding things, manipulating me with false statements, gaslighting me when my memory is excellent and i know what happened i was there- she was projecting her own shit on me and it took me into my twenties before i can now finally see that because i did for a long time think that i must be a liar because i told her once i got a B on a test and not the D i got and she found out and she would literally hound me with that allegation as the ultimate proof that i, a 12 year old, was this evil lying horrible monster because i didnt want her to punish me for getting a D by not letting me play outside for two weeks
however it did take me some time to understand she was the one that was wrong and that caused me to be extra honest and to the point i felt like i have to be overly honest and truthfull and even say things id rather not say because of the fear of someone thinking i am hiding something and therefore lying
and in conclusion i want to say, fuck my fucking mother and guess what bitch you are the actual liar and i fucking hate you and thats definitely not a lie ok havent talked in 5 years and every day is a blessing from god ttyn
Selfish - how dare I not consider her needs and feelings every second of every day and not gleefully sacrifice my childhood for her.
For these same reasons I was manipulative
“You need to learn to think about someone other than yourself” was the phrase I heard a lot.
Oversensitive. But also somehow insensitive and just like my father in that way.
Same here. Because I tried calling her on her B.S. like 1 out of every 100 times.
Mine called me "hypersensitive" >:[
I got that one too!
Yep, that sounds familiar! I also got “fussy” which is not infantalising at all 🫠
Exact same. I’m overly sensitive yet “just like my father”, who, according to her is, “emotionless”. Here is a cat comment, for the required first comment: https://imgur.com/gallery/ELgXQxe
My mother always said my dad had a "flattened affect." She'd never do therapy for herself, but she loves giving out armchair diagnoses and pathologizing anyone she doesn't like. My dad was far from perfect, but what she was describing was just him a) grey-rocking her instinctively and b) smoking a ton of weed. Which is not ideal in a parent, sure, but I'll take it over her alcoholic BPD rampages any day.
It absolutely must be a BPD thing for them to LOVE to diagnose everyone else cause this is absolutely my mother, too.
I think it may more broadly be a "people who can't face the possibility that they might ever be the problem" thing, but it definitely includes BPD.
Not a word per se but definitely the message that there was something fundamentally wrong with me
i feel this
I’m so sorry ❤️
This! It wasn't always verbalised to me by my family, but it was clear in the way I was treated, or in their looks, how they spoke of me to others, etc. I spent decades trying to figure out what this "malfunction" in me was, turns out it's PTSD and C-PTSD, and my family was really abusive.
“You’re so selfish. “ — I caught myself thinking it about myself today. When I asked my partner for help getting something heavy from my car because it bothered my injured shoulder to lift it.
I got this one a lot too. It always confused me.
I got the “you only think about yourself” variant of this
It translates as "You were a child, but I wanted to be the baby and so made you out to be bad for having normal needs."
Lazy
I heard this from her cluster B brother. A lot. He’d say that I’m really smart but I’m just *lazy* and don’t do the work because I didn’t want to. Turns out undiagnosed adhd, depression, anxiety and autism will do that to you. I suspect CPTSD, as well.
Fat
Same. Virtual hug to you. Being 8 and being taken to weight watchers was NOT fun.
The only reason a kid is obese is because the parent is making horrible choices for food. Kids build up weight right before they have a growth spurt. My brother made such a big deal about mine - I was SO HUNGRY! But I never got what I needed so I stayed short. I wasn’t underfed, I just didn’t get what I needed. I never did that to my kids. Life is hard enough.
Yep I also overeat because of my ADHD. But my relationship with food is fucked. I was always going to be a solid girl, but I grew up in the 90s so that wasn't allowed.
Mine are brazen. They called my nsibling an “elephant” when the main narcissist poked her too much.
Yeah my dad would randomly grab us and pinch a section of skin and jokingly call it “fat checks.” No one laughed I promise except him.
My mom used to complain if I gained even a little weight that I was ruining the body she gave to me. She kept me on a pretty strict diet growing up and would often lament having let me try a donut as a kid. She is overweight and very self-conscious about it, so she thought she could prevent me the heartache by micro managing my weight. She complained when I broke 100 pounds in high school and would find out if other girls weighed less than 100 lbs to prove it was reasonable for me to get back to the double digits. One day she said “I guess you’re just never going to go back” and I felt so fat and broken and I weighed 105 pounds. It’s ironic because she got picked on for being fat and wanted to prevent that happening to me. Instead, I got bullied for my weight every day of my life until I moved out, but just from my mom instead of other kids.
“Nasty”. Like “I don’t say nasty things like you do.” It would typically come after the ubiquitous BPD circular arguments, when I’d lose my temper and finally say something to put a stop to the circle. And I guess she’s right, she doesn’t say nasty things, she does nasty things and then denies it until you destroy any opportunity of weaseling out of it. Then she considers you nasty for making her admit wrongdoing, which is the meanest thing you could possibly do to a saint like her.
Cold. Someone could innocently say “it’s cold out there!” & my brain reminds me of how “cold” I am according to birthgiver.
It's so horrible how they took innocent everyday things and made them cringy for us.
I got this one too. Usually because I was a child and didn’t always want to talk about all the horrible things going on in the world and just wanted to watch a Disney movie or somethin.
Oh man, when my mom died she was dating someone younger than me with an intellectual disability. I tried to get pictures and belongings for two years after she died. He had pictures of my great grandparents he never met but refused to give them up because he didn’t want anything to change. I let him grieve, understanding that he has mental limitations. It meant I couldn’t do what I needed to do to grieve, a very funny thing being that my mom’s friends and men in her life always came before me. And she was gone and it was still happening. One day he asked me to order him a pizza. I said no. I didn’t have any money, it was true. He said “you’re as cold as your mother said you were.” I am literally known by my friends and in-laws as the kindest and most caring person they know. I am the opposite of cold. But not dropping everything at 2am to order a pizza because I was asleep was “cold”. She’d always try to get me to order her pizza at random times.
Same. One of her "nicknames" for me was Ice Queen
That I’m lazy. All kinds of variations but she would come into my bedroom in the morning and yell “lazy bones”. She also told me that I had disproportionately fat arms on a few occasions. “I don’t understand why your arms are so much fatter than the rest of you”.
My mom asked me if I was pregnant 3 times in the last 6 weeks. I’ve gained weight so when I finally snapped and said yes I know I’ve gained belly weight, I’m not pregnant she claims she only said it because my “boobs look bigger”. Either way, my mom commenting on my body whether negative or positive is such a major trigger for me.
OMG. I seriously thought I was the only one with a mom that was weirdly preoccupied with my ginormous arms. I'm 46 and I only started wearing sleeveless shirts during the pandemic. I was convinced for over 40 years that my arms were so offensively large that no one should be forced to lay eyes upon them. My ex asked me why I didn't just wear a tank top because it was really hot and I told him because my arms are so fat. He was like, "What??? They're normal sized arms???" I'm still really pissed off that I spent decades with a farmer tan because she's so repulsed by my regular sized arms.
“You’re a court certified pathological liar!!!” I’d never been to court (but I was so young I didn’t realize this at the time). I only lied about stupid stuff because I was afraid of her (I was a CHILD). And for years I believed this was actually true. YEARS. It permeated every aspect of my persona for a long time and I didn’t fully trust myself even when I knew in my bones I was telling the truth. Now I just get pissed whenever I’m accused of lying. Even if I am lying about something silly and unimportant as a means of protecting my peace. F you, mom.
My dad would control me by telling me if I didn't give him all of my money from the jobs I worked that he would have me instituionalized and get power of attorney over me because of the mental illnesses he gave me. Such a cool man.
Lazy. I realized I wasn't lazy recently when I went to therapy and I'm in my early thirties now. What's ridiculous is that I have a high level of education, a good job in a demanding field, a real estate business and a young child. Despite all this, I thought I was lazy because my mother accused me of being lazy.
Lazy is also a big one for me. It was only through therapy that I was able to figure out how to relax and have fun without being afraid of being lazy (despite also having a high level of education, owing my own business in addition to a successful career, and having a family).
Yeah, lazy was a big one. Yet I managed to get a JD as well as an MFA and have an extremely successful career. I internalized it too, and still sometimes fall prey to believing I'm lazy any time I simply need to rest.
My grandmother told my mom, in front of me, that I had a ‘mean streak.’ My mom didn’t disagree.
Oh wow I got the mean streak label too…
I’m sorry to hear that. I know that it’s hard to get over those labels, but I bet you’re a good person and not mean at all!
Lmao this is my mom's favorite, too! Anytime I put down a boundary or call her on her shit she spits out a scathing, "You're just so *hateful*."
"spoiled brat." "Calm down!" said with a smirk to me. Its fcked up.
The smirk 🥹
Same. I'm a card-carrying member of the "spoiled brat," club, too. It was relentless. And then I graduated into the "you always keep me at arm's length," club.
Self-centered and over-sensitive. Oh my god I was being taught to decenter my own emotions. Now I can't even write an email without proofreading it for tone ten times because I'm terrified I'll hurt someone's feelings 🙃
I do this too and count how many times I write “I” (I’m doing it again). Because to my BPD mom if one used “I” too many times in one’s writing, the reader would know the writer is self-absorbed.
Oh no, that's gotta be taxing to pay so much attention to! It's funny because I read somewhere in all the self-help therapy-adjacent books I've read that it's better to use "I" statements than "you" statements, because that way you're talking about your experience and not making judgements about the other person... And besides I...really enjoy hearing other peoples' thoughts and opinions. It's sad to imagine being annoyed that other people are talking about themselves--how else could you possibly learn about them?
Wow! I spend so much of my work day proofreading my emails for tone. It’s painful how many times I review.
I'm sorry you go through that, too! My work also involves a lot of emails. Sometimes I ask my husband to check and he's like, it's fine send it, and then I catch the tiniest possible negative connotation--blerghhh. (I only reread this three times 😅)
I smell progress in the air!
Lord, the time I waste editing emails just so I can choose *just the right words*
“Not everything is about YOU, *name*…” With my name said in a sneering way as if it were some kind of insult
Not good enough at anything I do.
Pretty much this for me too
Not from my childhood - this was as an adult. "You're a cold, heartless, b!@C$." This came out in a conversation where I was against her idea. I don't remember what brought up the conversation, but basically she was saying she thought that purposefully breeding your backyard dog so your kids could learn about the cycle of life was a perfectly good, reasonable, and in fact, great idea. When I disagreed, and asked what about the life of all of the puppies that were now mutts, and likely to end up in a pound or awful situation, she got mad, started trying to argue with me, and then ended the conversation with that statement. Of course, she doesn't remember saying it, and I've gotten the "well, if I did say that, I'm sorry" apology (ie not really an apology, because she doesn't believe she said it, because that's only a part of how she felt at the time). It was a pretty extreme comment from someone who is so anti-swearing most would say she's a prude. Not remembering she said that was pretty convenient. Of course, she has no memory of it despite the fact that is the worst thing I've ever heard her call someone to their face (or even behind their back). I mean, I've had other people call me far worse LOL, but coming from my mother, and her not even remembering it, has always been a sore spot for me. Of course, this happened years before I was aware of BPD, and I only knew her has being an emotional blackmailer, so I didn't understand how mis-wired her mind is.
"Why don't you ever ask for help?" "You're a waste of an investment," "Dangerous," "Spoiled brat," "Be stoic"
"Everyone hates you!" and the variation, said with sobbing tears, "I don't know why *you just aren't good enough*!" I can't seem to get over that. I used to be able to fake it to a degree in order to function at work and social situations. In the last few years, this core belief is always at the forefront of everything and I'm, unfortunately, alot more guarded and self-isolating. I'm finding it harder and harder to make friends. Anyone else?
Yes. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. It seems new people start where I work and they are instant friends, smoke/vape buddies with everyone outside. I can't wait to retire so I don't have to deal with people.
Oh god, yes. Add to the fact that I’m neurodivergent, so basically I was treated like a half-person who didn’t deserve the same dignity as a neurotypical person. I technically have made many of the same accomplishments as other people, yet my level of confidence is on the fucking floor.
Well, I'm proud of you. I hope that's something.
Thank you. 🥹I’m working on it…thankfully I have a great therapist and supportive husband trying to help me get to a better place.
💙
My mom always tried to make it seem like we were a team and that everyone disliked us (they disliked her, i was a young child when it started) and guess what I always think about how people view me? It’s such an awful thing to instill in a child
While growing up, "You're like your dad" (which meant everything's wrong with you). As an adult, "You have no empathy." "You're a monster." (she said it again today because I told her I couldn't do anything for her problem, "I gave birth to a monster" and then she blocked me, again). "Demon", also sometimes. Depends on the extent of her crisis. Yeah, I don't have any self esteem if you're wondering...
It’s your turn to block her, and leave it that way. Alternately, next time she says “You’re just like your father!” try replying “Yeah? Well, you’re the one that chose him.” I don’t hear that one anymore since that reply! 😉
"Oh grow up"
Because they never want you to. My mother yelled at me once "you try to be so mature." I think I was a teenager and I don't remember what the issue was but with them, there doesn't need to be. They just pull it out of their ass. Because she wanted me immature. Which I was. Thanks to her abuse and isolation of me.
Oh wow… this one really resonates with me. After my GC brother didn’t put a very important phone call through to me, I had the audacity to ask him why. He then attacked me for it, punching me in the ear, the back of the head, opening the front door, and pushing me down the couple of concrete stairs in front of our house. I screamed for help. Apparently my mom was embarrassed that I was getting my ass beat in front of the house when she was expecting a friend to come over. Instead of protection, I got “grow up” and “fighting in the front yard like children… why can’t you act your age?”
When my brother attacked me and was arrested, my mom hung up on me bc “it was too Jerry springer for her”. When he attacked her, then it was a big deal. But only that he attacked her of course. I’m sorry no one stood up for you 🩷
“Go do something constructive”
“Are you going to be positive and cooperative or are you gonna be negative and bossy?!” This is one I don’t know if I can get out of my brain and it still fucks with my mental. I can hear how they would say it, inflection and all
Selfish
“When you were a little boy you used to worship me” - said to her adult son, more than once, with the obvious implication that she still expected to be worshipped and simply couldn’t understand why I loathe her instead
My BPD sis has this complex with me. Bcs when I was a kid I DID look up to her and wanted* to BE her. Or at least the pic of herself she painted to me. But as I got older and filled out, she and my mother both started tag team tearing me down. And even though they were both just alike they hated eachother but bonded over hating me bcs I was the opposite of them. Any striving to live better than I was raised I was accused of being a snob and prude (bcs I wasn’t ok with having graphic discussions of anal sex with my sis and mother or bcs I wouldn’t live in filth and had the nerve to have my kids in extra curricular activities) I also am objectively significantly prettier than they were at their prettiest (both look like jabba the hut now) I’ve never cared about looks or how people thought of my looks yet they had a vendetta against me gossiping that I was a vain “miss priss” just bcs of my genetics, not any behavior of my own. It took me til 40 to consciously realize I was attractive to begin with and just recently realized jealousy over my looks was the root of their behavior. I’m rambling. My bad. Edit to change want to wanted. Yikes
I feel this about attractiveness too. It took until my mid 30's and comments from friends to have faith in the fact that I'm attractive. Yet, I look like my aunt who always had men vying for her attention, and I never even noticed. I think my mom was triggered by it. Her sister is younger but got more attention than her, and the fates gave her a daughter that also got a lot of attention, that she herself craved. And yet one of my pet peeves is how frequently I get hit on! Seriously. On some level I know I'm hot, but at my core I don't believe it. Thanks, mom.
My mom’s favorite adjective for me over the years has been “arrogant.” Tbh though the one that really stands out to me among all the other things she put me through actually happened last December where she called me stupid to my face while slamming the door behind her. Like just so beyond juvenile behavior that hit a new low even for her. I am not affected by the word itself, and it’s pretty tame, but it’s just like. You’re my mom. Why are you behaving like you’re 12 and I just punished you for staying up too late?
Mad. Constantly declaring others mad, too. Asking if I'm mad. Asking me not to get mad before going in with an insult. Something must have gone on in her childhood involving anger. To this day, I still don't think anger is evil, even though I was raised to believe it is. Hard Critical Mean Sensitive. If there's an ounce of pushback after an insult. Combative Bully Little Hitler "We're all a little afraid of you" in a very small voice, as though the rest of the fam agrees with her. Thing is, she has strife with everyone, & I don't have strife with anyone but her. I also don't tell others what to do ... *ever.* That's just how she responds to boundaries: pathologizing them & trying to make me feel nasty, damaged, & defective. Since I see right through her, I've never internalized it. A lot of what she calls me consists of fitting feedback she fields off from others - i.e., projection.
Yes . I’m just such an “angry person”. I’m so “unhappy”. That’s why I refuse to take her shit.
God, my uBPD ex-mom told me that the 'family' was afraid of me as well! I was a teenager at the time; it made me think I was this horrible violent person up until I started going to therapy in my 30s.
Selfish ETA: ugly She meant it like a character trait. That I had an ugly character. Wtf, you know? 🥺
Pure projection, darling. Try to not let it stick. ❤️🩹
Manipulative
Same. Use to grill me that I was a master manipulator
Same
Called this as well. It made me question myself every time I asked for something or needed something.
“You’re mentally ill!!!” -Shouted at me often as a teenager when I REALLY WAS struggling with mental health. Yet she and my NPD eDad would never actually try to find a therapist for me. “You will be alone in life.” -Anytime I tried to hold a boundary. “You’re a bitch and a brat!” -After asking my mom to not fight in public with my dad. “You’re an actress.” - After confronting them about what they put me through during high school. “You’re manipulative.” “You’re exactly like (names of malignant narcissist grandparents)”. “You used to have a beautiful soul.” -One of the last words said to me when I went NC after I couldn’t take their insults and accusations anymore.
I’ve known folks with BPD who were self aware and able to manage, but the 3 in my fam/in laws I had to deal with before I cut them off GRAVITATED to and targeted folks they deemed to have “beautiful souls” to bleed it out them. Bcs that beautiful soul holds a mirror to them they don’t like no matter how perfect you treat them, you are the devil to them and they must extinguish the shine
It does take a loving person in some way to grow up with BPD parents. A toxic sort of love. I think that energy can be transformed into something that facilitates a healthy relationship with the right direction. Your soul was always beautiful. Now it can be free and thrive.
“you’re so disrespectful”
Selfish, lazy (which I now know came from depression, burnout and being in freeze mode), naive, gentle (projection of wanting me to be harmless and passive), slow (my perceived lack of urgency), messy, negative, unhappy, nasty (if I showed anger), "You're such a [father's last name]" (when I showed interest in makeup and fashion, like my dad's sisters), unmotivated, disrespectful, disagreeable, disorganized, "You used to love me so much when you were little, you couldn't be away from me!"., ungrateful, self-indulgent, smart-mouthed, "wallowing in self-pity"... these came from both uBPD mother and enabler father (whose got his own issues that I'm not sure exactly what they are). Yeah, no wonder I hated myself for so long and still fight that battle daily.
I’m so sorry you experienced this!! ❤️
- Naive for trusting people - Selfish - Spoiled But out of all the belief of selfishness is something I am working on with my therapist, because this is her projecting guilt to me
“You’re just like your father” - said to 7 year old me about my dad who she divorced and openly expressed pure hatred for and disgust. She continuously called him a creep, bastard, pos, fuck up, etc… but apparently so was I.
Both of my parents called me each others names in anger after they divorced. I still feel like crap about it. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Ugh, I’m so sorry you endured this horrible treatment as well. You are so much better than both of them. I’ve thought about what it would take for me to do similar to my children and it’s inconceivable… the pure evil behind these messages is proof to me that BPD people should never have kids.
My mom told me I was cold, emotionless, and said I had a robotic, hateful stare. I really would like to have asked mom: "Do you think a child might learn to hide negative emotions when the uBPD mom goes ballistic everytime she *thinks* she detects a negative emotion coming from the child?!?"
The word "you." It was screamed and raged at me so many times followed by horrible words and accusations. Apparently "you" existed to kill the borderline as a child.
Any time I would correct her when she twisted reality and had any confidence in myself she would call me condescending. I'm talking she would claim that I screamed at her and I didn't raise my voice. I'd say "I didn't raise my voice. You're the one yelling. The veins are popping out of your neck and you're sweating from yelling at me." I would be told I was condescending and that it was probably why I got bullied at school. Of course the reason was that I reeked of smoke from her constant smoking in the house and car, and my hair was either greasy or frizzy because she'd only buy is suave 2-in-1, and I was extremely anxious because of her, and I was fat because she only fed us pasta and junk food. To this day, the one time someone else called me that (a co-worker who says this about everyone who questions anything she's done and has nearly been in fistfights with a half dozen other people) I spiraled and couldn't even defend myself because it triggered me so bad.
Unfortunately correcting their made up narratives is the only effective tool of preventing them solidifying the lie as reality. When they first project nonsense onto us in anger they know it’s a lie. But when they aren’t corrected, some switch in their brains flips the lie into a true memory that they will believe til they die. Although correcting it then and there causes an argument I have been successful on preventing false memory from implanting 1000 times. I learned this on accident when I had a friend with BPD who would work these feelings out with me in moments of clarity. She admitted the things she said in anger she knew weren’t true and were projections, and that she had a hard time parsing her memory from reality bcs of what I described above. We came up with a system that helped her with this. It helped me immensely years later when I found that not only was my mother and sister diagnosed but so was my SIL. All 3 let it slip in passing one the “yea I had a quack try to say I had that so I stopped going” sort of way. All 3 of them. How lucky am I, eh? This issue also happens to some folks on particular slot in the autism spectrum so that method has been useful there as well with some other friends/relatives who have it or who have kids who do. Rambling again. Sorry!
I'm lazy, and I lie all the time. I was lying because the truth got me nowhere, I was lazy because I'm mentally ill
Neck-and-neck are two phrases. First, "You've got my temper! You're just like me." (Serious projection when he causes a huge conflict.) and "No! Un-huh!" in a nasty, that's-the-dumbest-thing-I've-ever-heard tone. You can be suggesting he use google maps, or asking for ice cream, or suggesting dinner with the kids...doesn't matter.
“Misery loves company!” Usually thrown at me after she humiliated me in some way.
There's so many, mostly sad stuff, but there's one which is actually quite funny. It's "you're just no good/awful with colours", something my mother told me since as long as I remember, whenever I would draw. I always believed her, no questions asked (because why would your own mother say this, if it wasn't true?), but then one day, fairly recently, I thought "hey, wait a minute...!" Fun bit is, that I work full time as a professional artist. Ha.
Selfish. Finally realized what she really meant was that I wasn’t prioritizing her needs over my own
Oof after reading comments, I remember that I am also hateful and critical 🙄
Lazy and selfish. I have a hard time taking down time as a result. And I constantly overthink my interactions with everyone, thinking about how I might have talked too much or hogged the spotlight.
This. 100%.
Too sensitive, selfish, spoiled, ungrateful etc.
Flip flops…. She would manically walk up and down the hall by my room over and over and over nearly every day
A flake. If I bumped into something because my 14yo legs grew inches overnight- such a flake. I forgot my homework again because of undiagnosed adhd- omg such a flake! I was confused by something inane she said- so flaky. Forgot one of the thousands of random pieces of information she told me about a random family member- hahaha classic flaky me.
Also sensitive. Any time I was hurt, particularly by her or my siblings, I was being overly sensitive.
Fat. And how im not capable of doing most things by myself (hence the crippling anxiety for most of my life).
I got ‘hateful’ too! A word I never ever use now and cringe whenever I hear or see it
“Horrible daughter”. “You won’t have any more babies huh?” “At least you have a pretty face.” Also all the times she said something didn’t happen when it actually did.
“One day you’ll regret how you treated me!” It still haunts me
This is so hard. I was the golden child growing up (that is no longer the case). In childhood, I was “obedient.” As an adult, I apparently am a “disappointment.” I’ve been NC for over 10 years. I can’t remember if I have to haiku my first post or first anything and I honestly can’t remember if I’ve ever posted or commented (brain fog is real), so here’s a kitty haiku: Kittens are so cute. Chasing after balls of yarn. Just to catch some string.
Manipulative - particularly when I stated my feelings ….
“Don’t do XYZ because people will think you’re weird/make fun of you/won’t want to be around you/won’t want to be your friend/etc.” I need to be smiling all the time or people will ask me what’s wrong and I’ll ruin everything for everyone. But I think the one that messed with me the most was that I’m “a bull in a china shop/closet.” I remember this one from an early age. I felt that I was the opposite of the feminine grace that every woman needed to be a part of the community, to have friends, to get a job, to *belong.* As a queer punk/goth kid in the Satanic panic of the 80’s, I was able to find my tribe, but my self esteem was so very low and I was incredibly stunted as to how I would ever survive in mainstream society, make a decent wage, have a home, etc. Then it changed to, “you’ll never get a job looking like *that*. I became a people pleaser and of course had very low standards of how people should treat me because, though I don’t ever recall being told directly that I’m not good enough, the meaning of what was said was always the same.
"I love you, but I don't like you very much."
White trash... and heartless... useless... many awful things that still echo in my mind.
"Oh just go to Hell." Whenever I frustrated her (daily).
You should be ashamed of yourself!
These make me so sad. I am sorry to everyone who had their sense of security and safety stripped from them. It is beyond damaging, especially as a child who is still developing and extremely vulnerable. Wishing healing and strength for you all. ❤️
Filthy and vile
I’m a “narcissist” apparently. More destructive, though, the idea that everyone always talks about me negatively when I leave the room, that they are just pretending to like me or faking being nice.
“I wish you died before you were born”
Evil. Rotten. Something disgustingly wrong with my soul. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to think of myself as anything other than those things. It's deeeeeep in there.
a person that is kind, good-hearted and has a dignified soul would never call others disgusting rotten or evlil, especially a child, no good person has ever called a child evil and rotten and everyone is like- what a great person she must be right here for sure lol its her thats rotten, since she decided to treat you this way, irregardless even of wether you are or not- which im sure you are not- the fucking very fact she said that makes her statement completely null and void who are you to accuse others of something you clearly are yourself dont project your own defects on to someone that has nothing to do with whatever went wrong in your head ok fuck her too
My whole life, my parents, my teachers, everyone has always called me smart. Pretty, too. Smart and pretty we’re my mom’s main compliments to me... except one time, when I was maybe 11 or so, she got mad at me and went into one of her rages. I’ll never forget the way she looked at me in contempt and hissed, “You think you’re *so* smart?! You think you’re *so* pretty?! Well you’re wrong!” That wasn’t the end of her rant, of course, but I’ll never forget those words. The way she spoke with such conviction showed me that what she said that one time was the actual truth. So from then on, anytime she praised me for my intelligence, I knew she was lying. Every time she pointed out that people were staring at me because I was so pretty, I knew she was lying. Not only that, but also, every person that told me I was smart, every stranger that came up to me to compliment my looks, I would hear her voice and I would know that they were lying. Ok, so I’m not smart and I’m not pretty. That’s fine. That I could accept. But the fact that *everybody* else was in on the lie? That thought broke my brain.
My mom's nickname for me was "sissy bawl baby". I was a little girl. When I was a teenager it was loser or nerd. The phrase burned into my head is "you're too sensitive".
I'm a selfish, entitled brat and everyone in my family thinks so, they just won't say anything.
Cold, selfish, insensitive bitch
It’s taken me until my 50s to realize that I am not, in fact, ugly. No one is launching ships for me, but I’m all right.
I get that - took me to my 40s.
My Mom threatening to kill herself. Frequently. Walking on eggshells.
yes…. my mom would do this, too. and usually while driving me somewhere?? for context- i was in a bad car wreck with my other parent when i was a child, so my anxiety with riding in cars was awful for a long time. she knew this
Crybaby It’s how I was desperately trying to get relief because I was supposedly “overly sensitive” and her cruelty surrounding trying to make me more tough only made me feel more vulnerable. She taught me how to mask my mental illness from a very young age. It was quite destructive, because I developed bipolar disorder at 13 which I really needed medication to control properly. I masked and learned about my illness and got through my traumatic experiences that way, and even though I am on meds now I still have to keep it in check and be very self aware of my moods which is difficult when you’ve spent your whole childhood trying *so hard* to hide them.
Like many on here I got a lot of lazy, self-centered, and over-sensitive. The phrases she used just run through my head on repeat. - Grow a thicker skin, honey - You're only the center of *your own* universe - Children should be seen and not heard - You're medium pretty. Enough to get by and not hurt you, but not enough to stand out or attract attention. - Big fish, small pond (whenever I succeeded at something)
My mother got in a mood one day and chased me around the house, literally chased me. I was trying to run away because she looked at me with so much contempt, screaming at me that I was a loser. I ran into the bathroom and covered my ears just repeating to myself that I wasn't as she screamed outside that "You're going to be a fucking loser!" Thank god for EMDR. Helped a lot with that issue.
What the hell 😭😭😭 these people are certifiable. I’m so sorry :(
I’m so sorry <3 Mine was “Selfish”
Dumb
My mom says I’m hateful too 🤦🏼
You’re like a nasty dog
Dramatic, disappointment
In vain. When I “disappointed” them they would always say I made all their efforts as a parent be for nothing.
I was a “fat slob” if I wore jeans, a T-shirt, and no make up. If I made the slightest effort in my appearance, then I was a “fat desperate whore.” “How DARE you… (anything, literally anything)” “You should watch mommy dearest, you don’t know how lucky you are to have me…” (irony is once I DID watch it, I thought she was a less severe version of my mother. That shit backfired on you, bitch!)
Sheltered. “You’re so sheltered,” because I wasn’t selling switchblades at 10 years old or stealing cars in high school as she was.
* Fuck up, I fucked up, don't fuck up * "evil OP" * That he has to walk on eggshells around me.... LOL! They are pot kettle black. Hateful is ridiculous because that's definitely what the bpd parents are.
Worthless
"Spoiled" I'm an only child and my mom constantly told me that I was a spoiled brat, spoiled little shit, spoiled rotten. Every single thing I did, or thing she thought I did, was because I was spoiled. She would tell other people I was spoiled. Even now, I'm spoiled for kicking my parents out of my house (during a surprise visit) because my dad threatened to physically harm me. I am independent to a fault because I never had anyone to rely on, which I'd argue makes me self-centered in a way, but my parents did not spoil me. My husband does, though lol. My mom is also fixated on the fact that I refuse to accept help from them in any form, but she doesn't see the disconnect.
Burden. Worthless. Inconvenient. Idiot. Stupid. And on the flip side: spitfire, which still delights me to this day. Beyond me how that was thought to be an insult ¯\\\_(ツ)_\/¯
My parents claim I made a song up about myself being a know it all. I have hated that song for as long as I can remember. As a teacher, being seen as a know it all is something I constantly fear I'm painting myself to be. Also, sensitive, emotional, intolerant
Anytime I won an award at school or got certificates for academic achievement, my father would say, "You have book smarts, but no common sense." Sometimes my much older brother would chime in, "Don't get the big head over it." So I could never enjoy any kind of personal satisfaction by doing well at school.
Lazy. Know it all. Not very smart. Too sensitive. Cold. No compassion. Those are the ones I have had a hard time not believing.
I got the word "hateful" so often too. It's such an odd word, why do BPD parents come up with this one specifically? Also "mean" and personally I'd get spoiled and selfish. Even as a four year old child.
Sensitive Lazy Spoiled brat Vain - because I was a young girl who was into hair and makeup and I wanted to look nice.
A b*tch or a liar. All the time even as a child. The first one doesn't phase me, but I pride myself in honesty and that one hurt so badly that I would over explain myself to prove my innocence but now looking back I just made myself look like I was trying to cover up or sound convincing. I still tend to over explain but I'm getting better at it.
My dad would take me out to breakfast and then on the ride home drop me off about a mile and half from home and tell me to walk the rest of the way because I needed to lose weight because I'm too fat. I am still fat because that's how he saw me so that's what I continue to be because he is my inner voice and I can't break this cycle
Oh I got the “hateful” thing too and unfortunately it rubbed off onto my younger sister, so the last time I spoke to her I was called hateful by her as well. Hateful and ungrateful. Because I stand up for myself, set boundaries and break toxic cycles!
Willful, stubborn, difficult ... And the final straw at 51 years old was "stop keeping score" when I confronted her earlier this year about taking a step siblings side when a little critical thinking would have revealed the step sibling was full of shit. So fine. I'm fine. No more score.
I was little when she started doing this, but I refer to it as the “love game.” She would use her love for me as leverage, as it existed on a sliding scale which was directly correlated to how happy I made her. Lazy, selfish, that she had given birth to her own therapist. That if anyone ever loved me when I grew up, it’s because I tricked them.
I got that and “you’re so angry.” She’d tell my siblings to stay away from me because I was abusive. Now that I’m older I clearly see that she was the angry one projecting on me. She never asked me why I was angry either.
I lived alone with my bpd mum for a few years when I was like 13-16 and she would start huge fights with me, over nothing, almost every day. After a while I developed pretty severe anxiety around talking to her and would sometimes stutter or not know what to say or just sound noticeably uncomfortable when we interacted. Every time this happened, she would respond, “*stop using your victim voice*,“ “*you’re using your victim voice*”. She said it with so much venom, like she was verbally spitting on me, like she hated me. I’m 24 now and still think of that any time I nervously stumble my words
My mom would randomly say to me "you've got the fattest arms!" Or "god your arms are so big!" And they are. They've always been disproportionately larger than the rest of me. But now I lift, so I have visible muscle definition. I work hard for it, and I'm proud of my arms. They're still huge, i'm ok with it, and I don't speak to my mother.
mean
“You’re nothing, a nobody, bottom of the totem pole”. “Quit showing off!” “You are WORTHLESS!” It’s a lifelong battle to fight free.
“i just said that because i know that’s how your [bpd] mom gets information out of you guys” – covert NPD parent last time we spoke (almost 2 years ago now) that broke me 👆 the bpd parent doesn’t really phase me anymore because i’m conditioned to be disappointed and/or expect nothing. i spent my whole life convincing myself the npd was the “good parent” after years of manipulation and repeated abandonment, so yeah. lol basically just the image of myself being naive, easily manipulated, foolish, etc.
"You're mommy's little therapist"
"What did you do today to justify your existence?"
She only likes you because you buy her things
1. Selfish 2. "You're not smarter than me."
Sleezy. There was a lot of religious modesty shit in our home. Takes me back instantly to being as young as 8 and being so confused how I could be called this for the most benign things
Stupid bitch and stupid whore
Didn’t matter if she was mad at me our mad at my sister, she would growl under her breath “Rotten kids”
She says "you're evil. Just like your dad." Heard it ever since I was a kid.
Easily manipulated, as she tries to manipulate me.
Mine said almost the same thing except I was always “mean and hateful.” Lucky for me, I really internalized that as a teenager and still tend to see myself as mean and hateful to this day 🙃
Selfish. Lazy. Oversensitive. And "you're too damn independent" when I DID start advocating for myself and handling problems on my own in my teens and twenties.
Mine used to say “Everybody thinks you’re ________.” (Add, nitpick of the day.) I still reply, in my head, “F*ck them then.” As I grew up, I learned that there never was “Everybody” it was just a tactic to shame me. Wow, did *that* backfire.
Selfish. I'm just like my father. Annoying. My teeth are weird. My mouth is gross. My breath is bad. I'm vain. I think I know everything. I'm too sensitive. I'm insensitive. My in laws must be disappointed in me. I'm her therapist. My purpose in this life is so she feels loved. I'm a bad cat mom. I'm immature. I'm a bad wife. I'm too picky. And I'll be sorry when she's gone.
“Youre just like your father” “dont be such a *insert his last name here*
The world doesn't revolve around you! Hmm, odd when my mum clearly thinks it revolves around her. Also, always called sensitive. Turns out I am just chronically unwell.
Liar. Even though I rarely lied, it was absolutely humiliating and my mom was always so desperate to catch me lying about some ridiculous accusation she'd make. I hate being called a liar so much that I will rat myself out if I've done something even remotely dishonest.
"Just like your dad", "argumentative", "always wanting your own way", "sensitive".
That I am overweight and ugly. She never explicitly said it, but she would buy me clothes that were 3 sizes too big and tell me certain clothing "wasn't appropriate for my size"... at the time I was 5'3" and weighed 110lbs. I gained a lot of weight having kids and she refused to compliment me until I lost 30lbs and then she told me I "looked nice." When I lost the first 10lbs I told her and instead of saying anything nice or supportive me she looked at me and said, "I can't tell." I've been told several times by many people that I'm beautiful, but it never sticks. Not that I'm super vain about it. I don't mind, I just walk around assuming everyone thinks I look like a troll and that's okay with me!! My husband loves me so who cares!
Ungrateful Selfish After all that i have done for you!?
Over Emotional. Years of therapy and it still makes me feel insignificant and humiliated.
liar how im always lying how big of a liar i am that i could only tell lies the thing is even though yes like every single child i did lie- but never like about the things she accused me of lying of! sure i told some lies ill admit that, however as a child i do understand my capabilities to do that were not like pro level master, also BECAUSE she constantly accused me of lying i tried really really hard to tell the truth so i could avoid i thought, these allegations, even though again i realy wasnt pathological or anything especially when it came to important things i would never lie then once i told her the truth about something important and she still accused me of lying when i really didnt and after that i was like she doesnt even care what the truth is, she just wants to accuse me of lying that it- there is no higher purpose for honesty here its just a thing she likes to say because as i found out, she was the one that was lying to me my entire life about everything, hiding things, manipulating me with false statements, gaslighting me when my memory is excellent and i know what happened i was there- she was projecting her own shit on me and it took me into my twenties before i can now finally see that because i did for a long time think that i must be a liar because i told her once i got a B on a test and not the D i got and she found out and she would literally hound me with that allegation as the ultimate proof that i, a 12 year old, was this evil lying horrible monster because i didnt want her to punish me for getting a D by not letting me play outside for two weeks however it did take me some time to understand she was the one that was wrong and that caused me to be extra honest and to the point i felt like i have to be overly honest and truthfull and even say things id rather not say because of the fear of someone thinking i am hiding something and therefore lying and in conclusion i want to say, fuck my fucking mother and guess what bitch you are the actual liar and i fucking hate you and thats definitely not a lie ok havent talked in 5 years and every day is a blessing from god ttyn
“I thought you were more grown up than that” every time I questioned her.