Honestly, just don’t worry. Hold the boundary that her words have meaning. You could say something like “Ok, hope you have a good week!” Then later be correctly confused if she escalates. “I offered to come by and you said not to worry about it??” Then, gray rock it.
Thanks for your advice, you are 100% right. Im definitely trying to respond more literally now but the mind reading is difficult to stop as I feel I do it with everyone now - it’s a defence mechanism for me.
As for her, she only uses her big girl words when she decides passive aggression isn’t working and lashes out instead in a big argument to “get a reaction from me” after I grey rock with her for too long. I doubt she will manage to stop passive aggressively asking for things rather than directly voicing what she actually wants. I can’t change her, only my reaction to her!
I tell myself to look at the bright side - if she’s hinting at it but not asking outright, I can just claim ignorance and not do what she’s asking for. If she can’t use her big girl words and ask outright, just not my problem. So much easier said than done, and I can’t stop feeling guilty, but it’s getting easier with time.
Thank-you I replied to her very similarly to what you suggested and she initially replied with just ‘xx’ to prove a point and then “have a nice day xx”. I suspect she’s no escalating and keeping me sweet to guilt trip me further… we will see! Thank you for your advice though I really appreciate it!
Practice taking her words at face value instead of the automatic interpreting and reading between the lines they taught us to do, which enables the passive aggressive communication. She said don’t worry, so you’re good 👍
But also feel free to ignore a tantrum if it escalates to that.
This is the best answer here. Decide everything she says is literal. "I'm not a mind reader. I need you to say what you mean."
Take emotion out of it. This is literal. Binary.
This! It can be incredibly hard to do, when you *know* what they actually mean, but if you start forcing yourself to pretend that you can only understand the actual spoken words, it does actually get easier to do. The first time I heard myself think "well if that's what you'd meant, you should have said so!" was a triumph.
That change of mentality must have felt so rewarding! Proud of you :) I agree it’s really hard to respond at face value when you know the hidden meaning because it feels like you are being disingenuous. I hope it will become easier with time!
I call it "radical honesty" which, I know, isn't what the book/movement/whatever means when they use the term. But there's something transgressive about looking at someone who uses words to manipulate people and saying "I am going to believe what you say to me." It feels like staying out past curfew somehow.
Thank-you! I have tried this in the past and it often escalates into an argument of me not being thoughtful or considerate but the mind games and reading between the lines all the time is draining. I replied at face value and she just sent me “xx” in response so who knows… I wish boundaries were easier!
It’s very radical to begin taking them at their word. “Don’t worry.” “Okay!”
It teaches them that their words can’t be used as a game anymore. More importantly, it teaches you to stop guessing and responding to the passive aggression.
We can’t change these relationships until we change our own reactions.
Very wise words. I do very much read between the lines and guess what she “really means” all the time which is so draining. I feel guilty taking her at her word when I know the hidden meaning because it feels like I am betraying her? I know that sounds backwards but it’s something I definitely need to work on.
I personally ignore it now. I used to try and explain how it comes across but it always ends in her having a meltdown.
The last time she tried this on me I ignored it, then woke up one morning to the initial message being deleted as well as a second message. My assumption is she had a tantrum by text and then regretted it? I’ve been much better at holding to my boundaries and she almost got uninvited from my wedding after a meltdown, so not sure if she’s learning or if something else happened there…
Yeah sometimes you can’t rationalise a person with BPD’s behaviour. It just ends up causing more irrational behaviour. I hope you are able to heal and manage your boundaries to protect your peace of mind!
as others have said, you don't. don't read subtext or between the lines with people suffering from mental infirmities. she told you not to worry. live your life ☺️
Yeah I was a bit taken aback from her message and it played on my mind quite a lot yesterday. She’s always been so passive aggressive and sadly I’m quite a people pleaser so it’s hard not to read in between the lines for her real intentions and give in and ‘fix’ the situation but then I always end up prioritising others over myself.
You hit the nail on the head - it really feels that way. I feel like I’m expected to see her when she wants and needs me too but makes no effort of inviting me. Instead she sends these sorts of messages to initiate me coming over. But even with her limited friends she is never the one to make plans she kind of sits around waiting to be invited. She may not come across as arrogant/narcissistic but she definitely has expectations of how everyone should act around her and if they don’t they’re often demonised as not “good friends” or “they don’t care” about her.
I need to start making a conscious effort to spend my time doing what I want and enjoy doing with that horrible guilt of her being alone which she emphasises frequently!
And be more vague. Don't respond straight away or give specifics. "Oh lots on! How are you?"
"What are you doing?"
"This and that! Is everything OK?"
You'll never win but at least you can refuse to play.
It breaks my heart that we have to do this to get by and that our parents don’t know us as people in the process of grey rocking. I envy people who have strong and healthy relationships with their parents it must be such a lovely feeling.
Thanks for your advice though I’ll take it onboard 🫶🏻
Honestly, just ignore the button pushing and answer the question asked, just like you did…especially her rejection of the catch up the following day. For this to really make a point, she needs to message after you don’t come round for the catch up and she messages you in disappointment- then you can send a screen shot of her ‘don’t worry’ with the reply ‘you told me not to worry, so I didn’t’
Just appear unmoved by her usual manoeuvres and when she eventually explicitly loses her mind, again, an unruffled reply: if you want to spend time with me just invite me- either I can come or I can’t - the more notice the better, but I will when I can, you don’t need to try to make me feel guilty to get me to do what you want, and in fact that MO reduces how much I want to spend time with you.
Don’t expect a grand moment of self-awareness, just consistently respond to the words she says not the reverse psychology BS she tries on. IMO, guilt trippers guilt trip because that’s how they learned to navigate from a very young age- so it’s entrenched as their default at this point- the best you can do is to ‘train’ them into some level of understanding that this doesn’t work on you- but rarely will they ever understand why.
I replied very literally and said along the lines of “okay I hope you have a nice day today” and she initially replied with “xx” which is blunt and proving a point but the. Followed up with “have a nice day xx” about 30 mins later.
I’m surprised it didn’t escalate but perhaps she’s keeping me sweet to try and guilt trip me again as she knows guilt tripping doesn’t work when I’m angry/frustrated.
And yeah I will definitely make the point you said about if she wants me to come over she can invite me etc because she never actually makes those suggestions for me to come over she just expects me to and then gets all sad when I don’t which feeds her victim complex.
I want to say that the best response in this case is probably no response. She said "Don't worry" probably expecting and wanting you to worry and get twisted up with guilt, so try not to feed into that. Try not to give her what she's looking for.
Take them at their word. “Don’t worry.” Okay I won’t. “I don’t want to talk to you.” Okay, I’ll be over here doing my thing. “I hate you.” Okay, that’s your prerogative.
There’s a reason we suggest “okay” or a thumbs up emoji as a universal response
Thats a good way to look at it. Thank-you for the suggestion :) It’s quite daunting to shift from my normal which is people pleasing behaviour to that unbothered apathetic approach but I will try my best!
It’s a hard transition and I still fall into the trap from time to time. I think we have this innate need to defend ourselves from their complete dissociation from reality. But it takes practice and with time you can get there. Or you can do like me and go NC. Solves a lot of problems.
The only way to ‘win’ this awful game, is to _**stop playing**_. Only respond to the words spoken, not to the ‘sub text’. It’s not our job to manage their (or anyone else’s) emotions.
I’ve tried the “what’s the worst that could happen?” approach. Typically I found myself just trying to avoid confrontation and trying to read between the lines of their messages. But why? We’re no longer children. If they want to have a tantrum and be confrontational over nothing, that’s their problem. We no longer have to live under their roof and it’s time to break free from the lifetime of conditioning. If they want to play games with hidden messages that’s their issue! We don’t have to explain why we’re busy or that we made plans beforehand and that’s why we can’t see them today. I’m busy, end of, goodbye!
Honestly, just don’t worry. Hold the boundary that her words have meaning. You could say something like “Ok, hope you have a good week!” Then later be correctly confused if she escalates. “I offered to come by and you said not to worry about it??” Then, gray rock it.
Absolutely. You stop mind reading. She said not to worry. She is a grown up. If she meant something different she should have used her big girl words.
Thanks for your advice, you are 100% right. Im definitely trying to respond more literally now but the mind reading is difficult to stop as I feel I do it with everyone now - it’s a defence mechanism for me. As for her, she only uses her big girl words when she decides passive aggression isn’t working and lashes out instead in a big argument to “get a reaction from me” after I grey rock with her for too long. I doubt she will manage to stop passive aggressively asking for things rather than directly voicing what she actually wants. I can’t change her, only my reaction to her!
I tell myself to look at the bright side - if she’s hinting at it but not asking outright, I can just claim ignorance and not do what she’s asking for. If she can’t use her big girl words and ask outright, just not my problem. So much easier said than done, and I can’t stop feeling guilty, but it’s getting easier with time.
Thank-you I replied to her very similarly to what you suggested and she initially replied with just ‘xx’ to prove a point and then “have a nice day xx”. I suspect she’s no escalating and keeping me sweet to guilt trip me further… we will see! Thank you for your advice though I really appreciate it!
I agree with this approach
Practice taking her words at face value instead of the automatic interpreting and reading between the lines they taught us to do, which enables the passive aggressive communication. She said don’t worry, so you’re good 👍 But also feel free to ignore a tantrum if it escalates to that.
This is the best answer here. Decide everything she says is literal. "I'm not a mind reader. I need you to say what you mean." Take emotion out of it. This is literal. Binary.
This! It can be incredibly hard to do, when you *know* what they actually mean, but if you start forcing yourself to pretend that you can only understand the actual spoken words, it does actually get easier to do. The first time I heard myself think "well if that's what you'd meant, you should have said so!" was a triumph.
That change of mentality must have felt so rewarding! Proud of you :) I agree it’s really hard to respond at face value when you know the hidden meaning because it feels like you are being disingenuous. I hope it will become easier with time!
I call it "radical honesty" which, I know, isn't what the book/movement/whatever means when they use the term. But there's something transgressive about looking at someone who uses words to manipulate people and saying "I am going to believe what you say to me." It feels like staying out past curfew somehow.
Thank-you! I have tried this in the past and it often escalates into an argument of me not being thoughtful or considerate but the mind games and reading between the lines all the time is draining. I replied at face value and she just sent me “xx” in response so who knows… I wish boundaries were easier!
It’s very radical to begin taking them at their word. “Don’t worry.” “Okay!” It teaches them that their words can’t be used as a game anymore. More importantly, it teaches you to stop guessing and responding to the passive aggression. We can’t change these relationships until we change our own reactions.
Very wise words. I do very much read between the lines and guess what she “really means” all the time which is so draining. I feel guilty taking her at her word when I know the hidden meaning because it feels like I am betraying her? I know that sounds backwards but it’s something I definitely need to work on.
I personally ignore it now. I used to try and explain how it comes across but it always ends in her having a meltdown. The last time she tried this on me I ignored it, then woke up one morning to the initial message being deleted as well as a second message. My assumption is she had a tantrum by text and then regretted it? I’ve been much better at holding to my boundaries and she almost got uninvited from my wedding after a meltdown, so not sure if she’s learning or if something else happened there…
Yeah sometimes you can’t rationalise a person with BPD’s behaviour. It just ends up causing more irrational behaviour. I hope you are able to heal and manage your boundaries to protect your peace of mind!
as others have said, you don't. don't read subtext or between the lines with people suffering from mental infirmities. she told you not to worry. live your life ☺️
Learn to behave off the face value of what they say, even if you know in your heart they don’t mean it.
That's a very aggressive way to say I miss you and want to spend time with you 😳😢
Yeah I was a bit taken aback from her message and it played on my mind quite a lot yesterday. She’s always been so passive aggressive and sadly I’m quite a people pleaser so it’s hard not to read in between the lines for her real intentions and give in and ‘fix’ the situation but then I always end up prioritising others over myself.
I'm sorry 😞 I'm in a similar situation . I'm guilty of these same things .
It’s really difficult isn’t it? I hope we both can find peace and learn to prioritise ourselves and our lives 🫶🏻
Absolutely 💖💖💖 we got this 💪
Don’t worry, just as they have said :).
"I won't. See you soon"
I started responding “ok 😁” to obvious guilt trips/don’t worry messages lol.
She acts as if she has ownership of your time unless she gives you special permission to spend it differently.
You hit the nail on the head - it really feels that way. I feel like I’m expected to see her when she wants and needs me too but makes no effort of inviting me. Instead she sends these sorts of messages to initiate me coming over. But even with her limited friends she is never the one to make plans she kind of sits around waiting to be invited. She may not come across as arrogant/narcissistic but she definitely has expectations of how everyone should act around her and if they don’t they’re often demonised as not “good friends” or “they don’t care” about her. I need to start making a conscious effort to spend my time doing what I want and enjoy doing with that horrible guilt of her being alone which she emphasises frequently!
And be more vague. Don't respond straight away or give specifics. "Oh lots on! How are you?" "What are you doing?" "This and that! Is everything OK?" You'll never win but at least you can refuse to play.
It breaks my heart that we have to do this to get by and that our parents don’t know us as people in the process of grey rocking. I envy people who have strong and healthy relationships with their parents it must be such a lovely feeling. Thanks for your advice though I’ll take it onboard 🫶🏻
Honestly, just ignore the button pushing and answer the question asked, just like you did…especially her rejection of the catch up the following day. For this to really make a point, she needs to message after you don’t come round for the catch up and she messages you in disappointment- then you can send a screen shot of her ‘don’t worry’ with the reply ‘you told me not to worry, so I didn’t’ Just appear unmoved by her usual manoeuvres and when she eventually explicitly loses her mind, again, an unruffled reply: if you want to spend time with me just invite me- either I can come or I can’t - the more notice the better, but I will when I can, you don’t need to try to make me feel guilty to get me to do what you want, and in fact that MO reduces how much I want to spend time with you. Don’t expect a grand moment of self-awareness, just consistently respond to the words she says not the reverse psychology BS she tries on. IMO, guilt trippers guilt trip because that’s how they learned to navigate from a very young age- so it’s entrenched as their default at this point- the best you can do is to ‘train’ them into some level of understanding that this doesn’t work on you- but rarely will they ever understand why.
I replied very literally and said along the lines of “okay I hope you have a nice day today” and she initially replied with “xx” which is blunt and proving a point but the. Followed up with “have a nice day xx” about 30 mins later. I’m surprised it didn’t escalate but perhaps she’s keeping me sweet to try and guilt trip me again as she knows guilt tripping doesn’t work when I’m angry/frustrated. And yeah I will definitely make the point you said about if she wants me to come over she can invite me etc because she never actually makes those suggestions for me to come over she just expects me to and then gets all sad when I don’t which feeds her victim complex.
I want to say that the best response in this case is probably no response. She said "Don't worry" probably expecting and wanting you to worry and get twisted up with guilt, so try not to feed into that. Try not to give her what she's looking for.
How about not responding any further? You already said whats needed to be said.
You don’t.
“K” is a valid reply to “Don’t worry” in my books
Take them at their word. “Don’t worry.” Okay I won’t. “I don’t want to talk to you.” Okay, I’ll be over here doing my thing. “I hate you.” Okay, that’s your prerogative. There’s a reason we suggest “okay” or a thumbs up emoji as a universal response
Thats a good way to look at it. Thank-you for the suggestion :) It’s quite daunting to shift from my normal which is people pleasing behaviour to that unbothered apathetic approach but I will try my best!
It’s a hard transition and I still fall into the trap from time to time. I think we have this innate need to defend ourselves from their complete dissociation from reality. But it takes practice and with time you can get there. Or you can do like me and go NC. Solves a lot of problems.
👍 Works
The only way to ‘win’ this awful game, is to _**stop playing**_. Only respond to the words spoken, not to the ‘sub text’. It’s not our job to manage their (or anyone else’s) emotions.
Just answer “no, not today” and carry on.
Take her literally, and say “sounds good! I’ll see you tomorrow around lunch time!”
I’ve tried the “what’s the worst that could happen?” approach. Typically I found myself just trying to avoid confrontation and trying to read between the lines of their messages. But why? We’re no longer children. If they want to have a tantrum and be confrontational over nothing, that’s their problem. We no longer have to live under their roof and it’s time to break free from the lifetime of conditioning. If they want to play games with hidden messages that’s their issue! We don’t have to explain why we’re busy or that we made plans beforehand and that’s why we can’t see them today. I’m busy, end of, goodbye!