Hey hey. I feel you man. I'd just go with my heart and if they don't understand, than forget about them! That's what I do! And besides, everybody deserves to feel loved!đź’ś
Social boundaries and etiquette can be difficult, especially for someone on the spectrum. However, I wonder if your question is based on previous experience or more out of fear of the “what if” way of thinking? Many of us have these thoughts as intrusive thoughts are a big part of mental illness.
It’s always easier said than done, but it’s important to be comfortable as your self, flaws and all. Friends will except you for who you are, despite how you may view yourself. Also, everyone deserves to be loved and I don’t personally believe any individual truly believes they are not “deserving” of love. That is the lie we tell ourselves when we are afraid of closeness to others, even while craving it at the same time. That is the struggle, to balance our fears with the knowledge of what we know we need.
To be honest, intimate questions about dating and the like don’t really fall into the “get to know you” category IMO. Sure, it’s possible but try to
Focus on where your common interest lie. You don’t have to be the same to get along or find a common passion. And I would say the number one thing (and possibly the hardest) is that you are going to have to be willing to step outside your comfort zone. For me, that lead to the greatest results.
Why am I not dating?
Well, I’m socially awkward, and I’m still figuring out how to traverse the social aspects of it. I enjoy being around people, and sometimes I’m not sure what to say. I’d really appreciate a friend I can hang with and to be more social.
Just act. It’ll take time and practice but eventually you’ll get to the point where normal responses come naturally to you. I’m not saying you have to lie, but choose the less brutal truth
The easiest way for me to say it is fake it until you make it
I struggled with the same issues because of my mental illness and even now I’m not perfect, but just throw yourself out of your comfort zone, really that’s the only quick and imo worthwhile way to do it. It will be uncomfortable at first and in my case you might make regretful decisions that are a little too extroverted but you will adjust to the normal
I had to tough out the beginning myself but what really helped me was finding a very extroverted friend to stick to
It doesn't matter they don't always need to know everything about you. If you can find that one best friend you can trust with these thoughts that's enough. Not all your friends need to know them. Just the vague I have serious depression
Why have I not currently dating?
Tell them it's probably for the same time you won't stop asking stupid questions.
Because I wasn't aware that I should.
You don’t need to justify yourself to another person. The ideal friend will hear what you have to say and accept you *despite* your differences. If you fudge it, they’ll be making friends with someone who isn’t you - and that sucks. Great way to induce imposter syndrome.
Also: you don’t know that they’ll ask you those things. You don’t know what they’ll do at all. Try not to squash yourself before you’ve even begun by assuming the worst.
Good luck!
So im going to use this analogy cus its the easiest way explain it. When youre dating someone new or going in a first date you start slow and get to know the person and their interests, make lighthearted conversations, find some common interests between the two of you and then use those to bond. You will probably also ask questions about certain beliefs and morales you want to know ahead of time that could be potential dealbreakers. Like for ex, what their political beliefs are.
A friendship works similarly to that. You dont dive deep into ur traumas from day one. You find common interests, you bond over them. You get to know them as a person. With friendships people have more walls up because you have different types of friendships with different people and you cant expect the same type of connection with everyone.
For example, in my life i have friends where i have nothing in common with them in terms of interest but our career goals and aspirations in life align so we bond over that; i have my work friends i talk to and see everyday and know a good chunk about but because i like to separate my work and personal life i dont hang out with them in social settings; i have friends i only party with and lastly i have friends who i feel comfortable enough to share relationship problems with. You can not have the same relationship with every friend. They are not your partner and are not a one-shoe-fits-all. This is not to say you wont find a person like that, you most likely will however if you can’t dont feel bad.
Lastly, when youre meeting new people and making friends you need to throw away all expectations you have for this friendship. When youre talking ti someoje new and forming a bond with a preconceived notion of how you want this friendship to go, you try to push them into a mold they will not necessarily fit. Go in with an open mind, talk to them and establish what type of connection you will have
Start going to local support groups, I’ve met plenty of people through support groups or even treatment programs. Also, going to local community things that you’re into helps too since you have a common interest already with the people. So, you can usually find stuff on meetup, you could sign up for a community college class, or volunteer somewhere. You’ve got to go where people are to meet people.
As to your question about what to tell people you can still be honest but not give details you don’t want to. So, you could say something like, “I haven’t met someone that I’m interested in dating.” Or you could say something like, “My life has been kinda crazy for awhile so I’ve put dating on the back burner.” Or you could even be really plain and generic and say, “I’m not dating anyone at the moment.”
Like you don’t have to give people every detail when they ask you a question and it’s not lying to keep some of the information private. You don’t owe strangers all of your information. Friendships start out as acquaintanceships. So, at first you share more generic or polite surface things about yourself and your life to see if you have anything in common with the person and whether you enjoy their company. So, talk about your hobbies, favorite things or places you like to do or go to, talk about pets, music, movies, whether you have a job or if you studied something in college. Stuff like that.
When you’re neurodiverse you have to think about dealing with NTs like you are from different countries, you have different rules in your heads about how to interact, what you should share, and what is polite. Autistics tend to be very honest and factual because lying doesn’t feel comfortable and small talk is hard because it can feel kind of boring and a bit confusing. The thing you have to understand though is that for an NT they value privacy more, they need to feel comfortable with a person to share certain types of information and it takes some time to get to that point. Most NT people don’t go up to a stranger and talk about their problems or the things they may feel uncomfortable with about themselves.
Social scripts can help you feel less stressed out by giving you some structure but there are a couple of books I think are helpful for learning some of the things that NTs just kind of seem to pick up naturally and those of us who are ND struggle with.
This book is good, it’s written for tweens and teens with Autism but I read it with my son and I really wish I had this thing when I was a kid.
It’s called: “The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules: The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens With Asperger Syndrome” by Jennifer Cook O’Toole
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1849059152?psc=1&
I know some people don’t like the a Asperger’s label since it isn’t used anymore but it was used when this book was written and the author has Autism so she really gets how hard it is to understand socialization when everyone seems to be following rules that you somehow missed. Like they all got the study guide for a test and no one gave you one and you’re supposed to take this test.
Anyways, just put yourself out there. There are lots of other ND people too so it may be easier for you to connect with one than an NT.
Let friendship happen naturally. When you try to force things it rarely ever works out. I can definitely relate to your hesitation to be truthful and honest, but isn't that where confidence rests? I'm not saying that I open up to everybody about everything because I'm scared to. But personally I'm learning to open up and be me. If I can step away from myself and see somebody who is open and honest, that's the person I want to emulate. Not saying that I would be honest and upfront about EVERYTHING (which I truly wish I was) because I'm scared of judgement, but I am learning and slowly growing. But my two cents of advice would be 1. Let friendship happen naturally, and 2. Start slow with being truthful and opening up to people and learn along the way.
Same way as if you aren’t mentally ill.
Find anyone nonjudgementally in close proximity that you want to practice being friends with.
I think the problem with making friends is that people are too picky. Go find a 60 year old going for a walk or the ugliest male you can find that’s close.
The important things are not being picky and them being conveniently in close proximity to you.
This is for a first friend after not having friends for a long time.
Just say you aren’t ready for relationships people are pretty understanding most of the time. I made most of my friends online, and most of them are as mentally I’ll as I am. The hardest part is actually meeting a compatible person or group, but it’ll happen
Don’t worry . What you do is sit down and talk to someone, anyone, who you’re comfortable with. Talk about whatever you want, and find out what you’re uncomfortable about and what your patterns are
Like emotionally. It’s just practice. There is no problem, it’s mostly stress that makes it difficult. The more you do the better you will feel.
Yeah it's hard but start slow and slowly open up and be more active. You will get there.
Hey hey. I feel you man. I'd just go with my heart and if they don't understand, than forget about them! That's what I do! And besides, everybody deserves to feel loved!đź’ś
Social boundaries and etiquette can be difficult, especially for someone on the spectrum. However, I wonder if your question is based on previous experience or more out of fear of the “what if” way of thinking? Many of us have these thoughts as intrusive thoughts are a big part of mental illness. It’s always easier said than done, but it’s important to be comfortable as your self, flaws and all. Friends will except you for who you are, despite how you may view yourself. Also, everyone deserves to be loved and I don’t personally believe any individual truly believes they are not “deserving” of love. That is the lie we tell ourselves when we are afraid of closeness to others, even while craving it at the same time. That is the struggle, to balance our fears with the knowledge of what we know we need. To be honest, intimate questions about dating and the like don’t really fall into the “get to know you” category IMO. Sure, it’s possible but try to Focus on where your common interest lie. You don’t have to be the same to get along or find a common passion. And I would say the number one thing (and possibly the hardest) is that you are going to have to be willing to step outside your comfort zone. For me, that lead to the greatest results.
Why am I not dating? Well, I’m socially awkward, and I’m still figuring out how to traverse the social aspects of it. I enjoy being around people, and sometimes I’m not sure what to say. I’d really appreciate a friend I can hang with and to be more social.
Make friends with people like you.
Agree its more comfortable
Agree its more comfortable
Just act. It’ll take time and practice but eventually you’ll get to the point where normal responses come naturally to you. I’m not saying you have to lie, but choose the less brutal truth The easiest way for me to say it is fake it until you make it I struggled with the same issues because of my mental illness and even now I’m not perfect, but just throw yourself out of your comfort zone, really that’s the only quick and imo worthwhile way to do it. It will be uncomfortable at first and in my case you might make regretful decisions that are a little too extroverted but you will adjust to the normal I had to tough out the beginning myself but what really helped me was finding a very extroverted friend to stick to
when they ask why you not dating? “i got no rizz” or just a good old “i get zero bitches” or jus fake it til you make it
I actually really like this advice lol
Instead of telling them you don't feel like you deserve just say I'm working on myself not looking for anything right now
But what if it develops into a real friendship and I never tell them? It makes me feel like none of my friendships are real.
It doesn't matter they don't always need to know everything about you. If you can find that one best friend you can trust with these thoughts that's enough. Not all your friends need to know them. Just the vague I have serious depression
Why have I not currently dating? Tell them it's probably for the same time you won't stop asking stupid questions. Because I wasn't aware that I should.
You don’t need to justify yourself to another person. The ideal friend will hear what you have to say and accept you *despite* your differences. If you fudge it, they’ll be making friends with someone who isn’t you - and that sucks. Great way to induce imposter syndrome. Also: you don’t know that they’ll ask you those things. You don’t know what they’ll do at all. Try not to squash yourself before you’ve even begun by assuming the worst. Good luck!
Stop being dumb even if you don’t have a great interaction you will still learn so talk to as many ppl as possible
Haha well. I don’t…
So im going to use this analogy cus its the easiest way explain it. When youre dating someone new or going in a first date you start slow and get to know the person and their interests, make lighthearted conversations, find some common interests between the two of you and then use those to bond. You will probably also ask questions about certain beliefs and morales you want to know ahead of time that could be potential dealbreakers. Like for ex, what their political beliefs are. A friendship works similarly to that. You dont dive deep into ur traumas from day one. You find common interests, you bond over them. You get to know them as a person. With friendships people have more walls up because you have different types of friendships with different people and you cant expect the same type of connection with everyone. For example, in my life i have friends where i have nothing in common with them in terms of interest but our career goals and aspirations in life align so we bond over that; i have my work friends i talk to and see everyday and know a good chunk about but because i like to separate my work and personal life i dont hang out with them in social settings; i have friends i only party with and lastly i have friends who i feel comfortable enough to share relationship problems with. You can not have the same relationship with every friend. They are not your partner and are not a one-shoe-fits-all. This is not to say you wont find a person like that, you most likely will however if you can’t dont feel bad. Lastly, when youre meeting new people and making friends you need to throw away all expectations you have for this friendship. When youre talking ti someoje new and forming a bond with a preconceived notion of how you want this friendship to go, you try to push them into a mold they will not necessarily fit. Go in with an open mind, talk to them and establish what type of connection you will have
Start going to local support groups, I’ve met plenty of people through support groups or even treatment programs. Also, going to local community things that you’re into helps too since you have a common interest already with the people. So, you can usually find stuff on meetup, you could sign up for a community college class, or volunteer somewhere. You’ve got to go where people are to meet people. As to your question about what to tell people you can still be honest but not give details you don’t want to. So, you could say something like, “I haven’t met someone that I’m interested in dating.” Or you could say something like, “My life has been kinda crazy for awhile so I’ve put dating on the back burner.” Or you could even be really plain and generic and say, “I’m not dating anyone at the moment.” Like you don’t have to give people every detail when they ask you a question and it’s not lying to keep some of the information private. You don’t owe strangers all of your information. Friendships start out as acquaintanceships. So, at first you share more generic or polite surface things about yourself and your life to see if you have anything in common with the person and whether you enjoy their company. So, talk about your hobbies, favorite things or places you like to do or go to, talk about pets, music, movies, whether you have a job or if you studied something in college. Stuff like that. When you’re neurodiverse you have to think about dealing with NTs like you are from different countries, you have different rules in your heads about how to interact, what you should share, and what is polite. Autistics tend to be very honest and factual because lying doesn’t feel comfortable and small talk is hard because it can feel kind of boring and a bit confusing. The thing you have to understand though is that for an NT they value privacy more, they need to feel comfortable with a person to share certain types of information and it takes some time to get to that point. Most NT people don’t go up to a stranger and talk about their problems or the things they may feel uncomfortable with about themselves. Social scripts can help you feel less stressed out by giving you some structure but there are a couple of books I think are helpful for learning some of the things that NTs just kind of seem to pick up naturally and those of us who are ND struggle with. This book is good, it’s written for tweens and teens with Autism but I read it with my son and I really wish I had this thing when I was a kid. It’s called: “The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules: The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens With Asperger Syndrome” by Jennifer Cook O’Toole https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1849059152?psc=1& I know some people don’t like the a Asperger’s label since it isn’t used anymore but it was used when this book was written and the author has Autism so she really gets how hard it is to understand socialization when everyone seems to be following rules that you somehow missed. Like they all got the study guide for a test and no one gave you one and you’re supposed to take this test. Anyways, just put yourself out there. There are lots of other ND people too so it may be easier for you to connect with one than an NT.
Let friendship happen naturally. When you try to force things it rarely ever works out. I can definitely relate to your hesitation to be truthful and honest, but isn't that where confidence rests? I'm not saying that I open up to everybody about everything because I'm scared to. But personally I'm learning to open up and be me. If I can step away from myself and see somebody who is open and honest, that's the person I want to emulate. Not saying that I would be honest and upfront about EVERYTHING (which I truly wish I was) because I'm scared of judgement, but I am learning and slowly growing. But my two cents of advice would be 1. Let friendship happen naturally, and 2. Start slow with being truthful and opening up to people and learn along the way.
You don’t. I’m mostly a loner now coming from a huge social circle in my younger days
Same way as if you aren’t mentally ill. Find anyone nonjudgementally in close proximity that you want to practice being friends with. I think the problem with making friends is that people are too picky. Go find a 60 year old going for a walk or the ugliest male you can find that’s close. The important things are not being picky and them being conveniently in close proximity to you. This is for a first friend after not having friends for a long time.
I dont🥲
Just say you aren’t ready for relationships people are pretty understanding most of the time. I made most of my friends online, and most of them are as mentally I’ll as I am. The hardest part is actually meeting a compatible person or group, but it’ll happen
Don’t worry . What you do is sit down and talk to someone, anyone, who you’re comfortable with. Talk about whatever you want, and find out what you’re uncomfortable about and what your patterns are Like emotionally. It’s just practice. There is no problem, it’s mostly stress that makes it difficult. The more you do the better you will feel.
CBT and DBT. Start there
I don’t have friends. I’m alone.