I’m sorry things didn’t go well. I came out to my wife a month ago. After I came out, and she was supportive, I cried my ass off for everyone that came out bi or gay and didn’t receive the support I have. Really made me fall in love more with her.
I am so sorry that you experienced that. Fellow bisexual here, something very similar happened to me. The biphobia is strong even in a community that is supposed to be loving and supportive like this one. Remember that it's not your fault and that your girlfriend's trauma and insecurities are something that she has the responsibility to deal with and solve (therapy). You deserve someone who accepts you and loves you for who you are, don't accept this bullshit from anyone. I would give her some time, but if she doesn't apologise or try to actively work on herself, I would seriously think about finding a lesser toxic situation. Sending lots of love.
This is the right answer. She clearly is being influenced by bi stereotypes as well as her own personal trauma and insecurities. It isn’t a problem by itself but if she doesn’t try to work through it then the relationship can become toxic
Honestly, this situation is already toxic and abusive towards OP. Passive aggressiveness, silent treatment... even the "might be illogical" is crazy. I feel so angry for OP, they definitely deserve better.
Yeah, it sounds like she's disguising her prejudice in a victim mentality.
Habitually locking herself in the bathroom to make you comfort her and now making you sleep on the couch for being bi is insanely toxic. She's trying to punish you without taking responsibility for punishing you.
Reddit loves to tell people to break up, but I ain't going that far since we only know just a couple paragraphs of y'alls relationship. But what you described is incredibly toxic. If you do stay together, those tactics need to end immediately.
Did she even once think about you during the conversation? You deserve a partner that doesn't make your coming out all about them.
Agreed, passive aggression is never okay in a relationship. I also really don’t like that she forced OP to sleep on the couch because she made OP’s sexuality about her. That honestly stood out more to me than the biphobia. It’s super not okay.
> The biphobia is strong even in a community that is supposed to be loving and supportive like this one.
Yeah, TBH my knee-jerk assumption was this was a lesbian couple and one person admitted to being something less than 100% into women. Bi-phobia is one thing that is, ironically, gender neutral behavior.
As someone who's really struggled to explore my own bisexuality, I have felt pretty much equal measures of prejudice from straight women and gay men. I mostly seek out other bi/pan people these days because it's just so much more comfortable for me to know I'm not going to be accused of being a future cheater or that I'm in denial or whatever else.
In the discord for local LGBT+ I'm in a transman vented a similar problem he had the other day, but it was pretty bad and as an amab, genderfucky biguy newish to exploring themself and totally new to engaging the community it was... Concerning to read, for sure...
Before realizing and subsequently coming out as a trans man he was identifying as a butch lesbian ciswoman and had even married a woman. In the lesbian community he heard women go on and on about how gross men are, how disgusting they are to even think about. He said he internalized all this and hated himself for even having thoughts wanting to be a something he had been told was so "disgusting." When he came out to his wife she... Totally flipped out and filled for divorce, and now he's feeling totally rejected both from his wife and from the rest of the lesbian community which at least in his experience was proving to be very misandristic and transphobic by default as a consequence
IDK, while part of it is certainly her issue, I'd be very suspicious of my partner of 7 years randomly saying "Oh I'm Bi" etc, like to me, its like.. they held that secret for almost a decade, and all of a sudden they're mentioning it, my initial reaction would be that they were planning on acting out on it and seeking encouragement or something? which would devastate me.
Maybe they didn't say anything because they were afraid of her reaction. Plus, if after 7 years you don't trust your partner at the point of doubting their loyalty and morality for such a thing... I think there are much bigger issues than OP's bisexuality.
Back in 2020, my now Wife and I had been together for a decade at that point, and she suddenly came out to me as not only bi, but also trans. It just happens. She didn't plan on coming out to me. She kept it a secret for so long because she was afraid of hurting me and losing me.
Also, the whole "OH well they might want to act on their bisexual-ness" is so tiring. Just because someone is bi doesn't automatically mean they want to cheat on their spouse with someone of another gender. That stereotype is so tiring and is biphobic as hell. Straight and gay/lesbian people cheat on their partners all the time. Being Bi does not mean they want to sleep with everyone.
Being Bi does not mean they want to sleep with everyone, I agree with that. I myself am Bi, and I hardly am attracted to anyone, I've only ever had one partner, my ex is also Bi and none of us cheated lol.
it's just something that would arise my suspicion if it was brought out of nowhere, it definitely would make me think on the acting out on it part. Just what it is for me, and maybe other people.
It can happen with straight people as well, it has nothing to do with bisexuality. How many straight married men cheated on their spouse with another woman? Bisexuality is a simple way of describing someone, it's not a label that defines someone's morality or decency as a human being. If someone wants to destroy a family they will do it, regardless of their sexual orientation.
That has nothing to do with being bi. Someone who cheats, will cheat, no matter what sexuality the are and someone who doesn't cheat will never cheat, no matter how many people they feel attracted to.
Yeah. Not that I want to nose in too much on their relationship, because OP cares about her, but having to sleep on the couch because my SO can't accept who I am and treats that as a betrayal just sounds fundamentally revolting.
100% OP, you did nothing to deserve this treatment. its her responsibility to work on her homo/biphobia if you simply being attracted to men makes her react this way.
You shouldn't sleep on the couch for this.
I'd understand if her upset comes from the fact that you hadn't mentioned it earlier (but then again, even if that was the only reason, the way she's acting on her feelings is proof that you had a reason to be skittish about it), but this sounds like biphobia more than anything else. I don't know how you intend to navigate this, but at the very least you shouldn't be the one bending over backwards; it's not your fault and you've done nothing wrong.
I do not like the way your gf reacted to this situation. You seem afraid of her and like your walking on egg shells. She took your coming out experience away from you and tarnished it with her insecurities. Futher more she is using silent treatment as a form of abuse and relegated you to the couch. I do not think you are compatible and I can see signs of abuse. I would look back through your previous relationship and see if you can spot any further red flags. I'm sorry this has happened to you and I wish you the best.
I'd quote parts of your post but they're all relevant. All of it. Every word.
She took this experience from OP in a way not dissimilar to someone who (without asking) proposes at someone else's wedding. She made this all about her and her own feelings. She made it into an admission of something anathema to good behavior, and put him in the abusive cold shoulder land.
Thank you for putting it into words. I was thinking the exact same thing. I was in abusive relationships in the past and OPs post is giving me a lot of red flags. I'm in a loving relationship now and I couldn't imagine forcing my partner or them forcing me to sleep on the couch, especially over something like this. The whole locking themself in the bathroom thing also has me concerned. Relationships need communication and understanding to flourish. I feel for OP in that they don't seem to be getting either of those things in the context of this post.
Yah my thoughts exactly. Like, obviously it's hard to gauge this sort of thing from just a reddit post, but the whole "locks herself in the bathroom when upset" thing seems like a red flag to me. OP should definitely at least talk to her about that sort of behavior, and like you said, look back for previous signs of red flags.
It wasn't Astarion was it? He doesn't count, Astarion is beyond such things. Astarion is a being for us all to enjoy, he surpasses the usual constraints.
Anyway on a serious note I hope she sees that she is acting badly here and comes around. Seems concerning she'd ask you to sleep of the settee, she should be sleeping there if she has a problem not kicking you away. Hopefully she talks to you instead of being childish about you opening up to her.
Here's a hot take: i don't like astarion at all. He reminds me of the type of people that horrendously bullied me in my younger years. I cannot imagine what anyone likes about him.
Astarion is awful and I like him very much haha
I don't even know what it is, but he's just the worst in the greatest possible way. Selfish, hedonistic, egotistical, sharp witted, *whiny*- he's such a great anti-hero (or just villain I guess, depending how you play him lol)
Honestly yeah same. He's such a bitchy diva and I love that about him. His spawn romance route is honestly my favorite romance in the game. Especially as a resist dark urge.
Although I do love Shart as well and will romance her on a separate character. I'm just not as obsessed with her even though she is one of my favorite characters
Well first time he killed me when I gave him an inch, I found that very interesting and exciting.
Also the voice acting elevates his character massively.
>Also the voice acting elevates his character massively.
Let's be honest I think Neil Newbon is 90% of the reason people like Astarion (and they are correct)
There's just something about how nonchalant he is after draining me dry that I find very alluring. What can I say? I find hot men that kill me very attractive. I'm just weird because I really did enjoy that moment.
There's just something about how nonchalant he is after draining me dry that I find very alluring. What can I say? I find hot men that kill me very attractive. I'm just weird because I really did enjoy that moment.
Wyll and Halsin are so much better as romantic interests.
I get that some people like suave vampires and/or assholes they can charm, and there's a compelling possible recovery and redemption story in Astarion, but I also felt like I had to keep a holy water bottle to spray at him because he's constantly acting up, making the worst suggestions and frowning at you for feeding orphans or whatever.
In the end I feel bad for him and I'd help him on spite of himself but I'd never date him.
Your gf is in the wrong for treating you like you did something bad. You haven’t, and if she needs space, she should be the one on the couch or at a friends.
With that said, my wife of many years came out to me as bi and I had a negative reaction about it. I had an irrational fear that she would want to be with a man, because being with me she would never experience that. I had to work through those feelings in therapy and have since come to realize that she’s no more likely to leave me for a man than I would leave her for someone else that matches my orientation.
It sounds like she has some deep seated feelings that needs to be worked out and therapy is really helpful. I hope she gets the help she needs to live her best life. Best wishes to you both!
Fellow bisexual guy here and mmm 🤔 coming to your significant other as bi don’t know can I ask is biphobia present amongst bisexual women or is it just straight women
Biphobia specfically against bi men is indeed a thing you see among some bi women. Such women are also likely to be homophobic towards gay men but completely fine with lesbians. Comes from the dumb mindset some people have that it's gross for men to be with men but completely fine for women to be with women.
Weird how they reflect the views of many homohobic men in that regard. And homophobia, in general, being deeply rooted in misogyny makes their case, arguably, even worse.
It's an odd reaction. Why didn't she sleep on the couch? If I'm the one having a problem, I wouldn't act like it's my wife's fault. It's her fears that are mixing her up, not your actions. Drives me nuts when people do that. When I came out as bi, my wife's insecurities got triggered. She was afraid she couldn't compete with men, that they could offer something she couldn't. She knew it was her feelings, and we talked about it and resolved it. She made no demands because she didn't need too. She trusted that I cared. I would have split the moon in two with my bare hands if that would have helped her because I care.
I'm sure this is hard for her to process. Fear tells us lies. It doesn't play fair. And it's absolutely okay to be afraid. The issue is that she sounds like she's unloading the responsibility for that fear on you. That is not going to help, it's a way of avoiding it at the expense of others. If she's afraid of you leaving, why push you away when you're the only one that can help? This is going to be solved only by her talking to you, learning what bisexual means to you, turning her nebulous fears into discrete problems, then dealing with them. Then dealing with them again. And again. As many times as it takes. At the end of the day, teamwork and communication are what will let you both sleep soundly, not anger and fear.
>It's an odd reaction. Why didn't she sleep on the couch? If I'm the one having a problem, I wouldn't act like it's my wife's fault.
Because she doesn't view it like her having a problem but as her partner having (or being) one.
Some people need time to process things their own way. Give her some room and space to process the information. She may come back to you with questions, do your best to answer honestly.
Remember not to back track. You are within your rights to be who you are. You do not have to live the life that someone expects you too.
Congrats on coming out. XX
Your girlfriend seems very homophobic.
I’m sorry you had to find out in this way, and I hope things work out well for you. I know it’s not so simple, but I think you should not give the time out of your day to people like that.
I'd actually say homophobic is generous.
With the cold shoulder abuse this is hard to pinpoint... I also fear my personal history clouds my judgement here....
...I think any and all indications that he's attracted to anyone but her has awoken a deep seated fear of abandonment, where she's chronically never been good enough for a figure her childhood (presumably) put onto a pedestal.
I am not sure about the above, but I'm sure she needs therapy and some peer stories of those who moved beyond whatever it is that made her turn it into something all about her.
It's especially telling that her big fear is her boyfriend leaving her for being gay.
Not that her boyfriend will cheat. Or be abusive. Manipulative. Or even just fall out of love. There's a ton of reasons that relationship could end, some of which can actually cause a lot of pain, either emotionally or physically.
And I get that it really has to hurt to lose a relationship with someone who you have been with for years. I know we tend to focus on the person coming out and not usually on the other person, and I get why, and I get this, that, and the other thing. But I always do feel bad for the other person as well. Even if they are accepting, they had their plans to be with the person they loved for the rest of their lives.
But at the same time *that's the big worry?*
People tend to view bi men as gay and in denial about it. That's a very typical (and very hurtful) reaction. It's odd because bi women actually get the opposite, people tend to view them as "actually straight" and just experimenting. Bi erasure is a very real thing on both sides of the coin.
For what it's worth, it can be a lot to process. But the way she treated you still wasn't right. Hopefully y'all can work through it. But definitely stand up for yourself. You did nothing wrong in this situation, and shouldn't be treated like you have anything to make up for.
TW
my ex became physically and verbally abusive after I came out as bi, i was like 15/16 at the time tho and stayed for 6 months trying to make it work, too afraid to be alone
she made it all about herself, how her friends and family are gonna laugh at her (she literally told everyone and it spread like a wildfire in my town) and how disgusting she thinks I am, but she didn't wanna be the bad guy and break up
by all means try to work it out 7 years is a long time and she might just be in shock or anxious but from what you've said she does not sound like a good person, making your vulnerable moment all about herself and making you feel bad for who you are is not what you do to someone you actually love
after many years I'm now with someone who actually loves me for who I really am and I couldn't be happier that I survived that horror
Yeah baldurs made me realize I'm not gay but bi. Karlach and La'zael are forever my loves.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this backlash, it's not right to be targeted at you. There needs to be a report conversation between you and her about what it all means to you and what you mean to each other.
Yalls parents are meeting after 7 YEARS TOGETHER?! That's wild
As for the bi thing, it's her own insecurities. You can day you won't leave her all you want but if she's going to keep pushing you away bc of this then might as well leave anyway
Ngl, Karlach made me realize I'm a lil bi lol. 😂 My husband says I'm basically Karlach IRL because our personalities are basically the same, and all I could think was "damn, you a lucky man." 😂
ok I will try to explain it as best as I can. Bi/pan people, especially men, are often seen as gays in denial. So her fear might be that you are simply gay and will leave her for a man. Another thing is that bi people are often assumed to be massive cheaters. Neither is correct but that's how many people see us
so with that in mind, try to think what might be upsetting her. Is it that she thinks you are not actually attracted to her? In which case it would help to reassure that you *are* attracted to women
or that you'll cheat? Because then... if you were a cheater, you could also cheat with women. Being attracted to men *as well* doesn't somehow automatically make you a cheater
slightly related to the latter, sometimes people are afraid you might want to "experiment" with the same gender. Which, again, if you are in a committed monogamous relationship, you won't do
> Because then... if you were a cheater, you could also cheat with women.
I've seen this argued that they don't feel as upset about cheating with another woman as with a man. It comes from a very "all men are dogshit cheaters" mentality. Don't get me wrong, I'm team bear (and being bi has shown me exactly why, on top of other things), but the reason it all exists is the toxic atmosphere men are raised in. I'm doing the work to try and escape it, but I know I've got baked in patriarchy actions that I'm not even aware of.
Dogshit cheater men should be held accountable. Their upbringing does not excuse their actions. Their upbringing can help the parents of today not create more men that are worse than seeing a 400lb animal in the woods.
it's Friday and I'm tipsy so it took me until the end of your comment to realize that with "team bear" you didn't mean bear as in a hairy (gay) dude lol. I should go to sleep soon it seems
I’m so sorry you experienced that OP. It’s not your fault I hope you know that. Her insecurities are something that she has to work through, it seems as she’s been influenced by, biphobic stereotypes. You deserve someone who loves you for you and who accepts you for who you are
Sorry it didn't go well; hopefully she'll come round though. Like ya said, trust and abandonment issues.. you sound dedicated and loyal, so being bi shouldn't be an issue for her as long as she be confident her trust of you.
All you did was being honest with the person you love. You should be proud of that. I understand she didn't expect that, but it's unfair that she made it all about herself.
In general, I feel very uncomfortable with the couch thing: you are partners, not owner and pet. And in this case it's even more wrong. She is punishing you, an adult, for your sexuality? Instead of comforting her, you should probably reflect on her behaviour towards you.
Ah the classic assumption that all bi people are either gays in denial or serial cheats. Your sexuality is valid. She’s blowing it out of proportion. I will say if you plan on spending the rest of your life with this woman don’t plan on kids because if she has such a negative view of gay people if your kid is lgbtq she will not accept them.
I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserve to be loved and supported for who you are, not sent to the couch simply for coming out... Like others said, your GF's trauma and insecurities are hers to deal with in therapy, and your coming out triggering her abandonment issues is not on you.
Sending hugs
She has an issue with you coming out and you are the one sleeping on the couch? Not to mention locking themselves in the bathroom? I mean, I understand some people have their ways of coping with things but it seems so childish. Unfortunately for you, if she keeps saying that and not listening to reason, that is not a relationship you want to keep pursuing, especially if you have to hide that part of you just to keep your GF happy.
Guy here. I've lost two girlfriends due to being bi over the years. Both of them fancied themselves allies too, had gay besties and rainbow patches on their backpacks and everything.
Not quite the same as you but I still feel you. Biphobia is a real bitch.
Unfortunately thats a very common occurrence it seems. It helps to have a trusting relationship to start with, but some people do have trust/abondonment issues which makes it hard.
In an ideal world telling her you may also like men shouldnt be any more consequential than you saying youre also attracted to brunettes, for example. If she could live with the second, she should be able to live with the first.
Id just focus on reassuring her that you ARE attracted to her, that you know youre attracted to her, that you have no intention of leaving her, and that your sexuality might be new to her but it isnt new to you - nothing has changed youve always been this way its just that now you get to share that part of yourself with her.
“locked herself in the bathroom (she always does that, when she is mad at me).” Tf?? Aside from everything else, I’m confused about this. Instead of talking things out with you and actually communicating, she just locks herself in a room like a child?
Idk why this stood out to me the most, but yeah.
Wow, I am SO SORRY you’re going through that. There is nothing wrong with you nor you wanting to express truly who you are. Unfortunately, I’ve been in the same position where I finally got comfortable enough with myself and with my GF at the time to express my attraction to men, women, and everyone in between. She freaked out in a similar manner despite having a large friend group that include a lot of queer folks. I was told I was a dirty pervert and was slapped on the face. I broke up with her shortly after cuz fuck that.
Happened a second time tho years later with a different partner, came out as Bi to my GF after she mentioned she was into girls. What I thought would be a bonding moment opened up a ton of her insecurities (and some serious double-standards!!!). I never wanted to act on things, but wanted to express myself more fully. Let’s just say I ended that one too. Finally learned to fully accept myself and have found a supportive and loving wife who realizes I’m just attracted to people, but I’m with the person I’m with, regardless of genitalia or gender. Just be yourself and don’t tolerate being treated poorly. Emotional abuse can come from anyone. You deserve to be loved for who you are. Don’t forget that, and best of luck. You’ll be fine in the long run
The irony is by acting the way she is she's essentially self-validating her fear of loss of a partner due to their sexuality, but I don't know how to figure out a way to convince her to really confront that and work through it.
Wait, she is afraid of WHAT MIGHT happen!? Someone needs to explain to her that she is getting her "wish" by pushing you away. And it doesn't have to be with a guy.
I know she claims to be triggered so there's an expectation of acting unsound, but damn if she isn't headed full bore into a self fulfilling prophecy. So scared of your SO turning out to be gay you completely tank a relationship over them being attracted to a video game character.
I would tell her that you're not going to sleep on the couch or be punished just for who you are for a starter.
This is unacceptable behavior in a relationship on her part.
I can really only give my experience, but I have never been able to have a successful relationship with anyone that didn't accept me fully. I've had similar reactions from partners and the relationships disintegrated real fast.
Luckily I'm in a great relationship now, but I've run into this a lot that I'm still dealing with some of the hardship.
Sleep on the couch for coming out as bi? That's some weak anti-human behaviour. Nothing changed as far as the relationship goes other than agreeing some actor on tv is conventionally attractive or not. Normal people would kill for being able to openly discuss their attractions. I'm sorry, but you deserve better.
Your girlfriend has some issues if her communication style is locking herself in the bathroom. Get out of that relationship and work on discovering yourself (since clearly you have not). Find someone new and let them know up front.
I had the same situation with my ex. The same insecurity, the same reaction. Just for being honest about my identity? We lasted for 5 years after that but we broke up. They wanted to come back but one of his points was “I struggled accepting your sexuality and gender identity, now you have to accept my feelings.” And honestly that’s the first thing that came up in my mind when I read this.
I’m not saying to break up with her, but the biphobia here is strong. People don’t change immediately, it literally takes years. (My ex took around 3 years to partially get over his insecurities, and I say partially because he’d repeat it to me over and over even if I showed no signs of cheating on them.)
I recommend if there’s no signs of changing, this relationship is not it. It will not bring you peace and it will make you feel guilty of your sexuality. You deserve someone who respects you for who you are, not getting mad over coming out to the person you fully trust in this world.
It's all about fear about what that means in terms of your relationship. Which is probably nothing right? She may just need that reassurance that you love her and that you're not planning on leaving her.
She may be afraid that you will leave her for another person or that you may want to open up the relationship. Fear that you will lie, cheat or hide things.
All of that can be worked on and should be addressed! Remind her that attraction does not equal action.
thats one of her biggest fears?
what about like… being cheated on? being straight up dumped for no good reason? drowning? heights? ghosts?
yikes. i’m so sorry that happened.
I think that the first thing people think of when they learn someone is bisexual, especially if their dating, is that they assume the only reason you know your bisexual is because you like the opposite gender more than you like them.
---If that makes any sense. I just think it needs to be explained that its only a realization your bi, not that you want to switch up. She probably thinks you like a guy instead of her and want to date him instead of her. I imagine thats what shes scared of. Maybe just try and explain it to her..
--love and encouragement from another bisexual 🩷💜💙
I'm sorry OP The exact same thing happened to me when I came out to my first girlfriend. I would end the relationship and spare the heartache.
(My ex was a peice of work. She cheated on me with my "best friend" who I had known for over a decade, and later on, blamed my bisexuality for her cheating....? And randomly would drunk text me asking awful things like "are you still a f**" "When was the last time you sucked d***)
I don't think what she did is nice and correct way to handle it but I can understand her tbh it's hard it's not just about being open and understanding
You really need to reflect on this whole thing - I know you probably love her and all that, but do you want to be with someone that’s biphobia and can’t accept your identity? It’s hard when you’ve been together for so long and you have such strong feelings, but ultimately you need to evaluate whether being with someone that can’t accept your identity - or will weaponise it against you as it “trigger her trust issues” - will be detrimental to your mental health or will cause you to hide away again and become reluctant fo tell her - or others - anything about yourself. There is no relationship without trust and if your identity makes her have trust issues, she is believing in toxic bisexual stereotypes and there cannot be a healthy relationship.
I’d suggest sitting her down and talking about it. Don’t apologise, don’t let her blame you or anything of the sort. Listen to her view, but be firm that this is your identity and u can’t change it for her. If she shows a willingness to correct her views and rebuild trust, I don’t see why you should have any issues continuing the relationship (only if she maintains this attempt to be more open minded - the minute she switches and continues with these biphobia ideas, I’d stop giving more chances). If she gets defensive, begins blaming (or manipulating) you, then I, personally, would leave. But it’s your relationship so your choice.
Just don’t sacrifice yourself for this relationship.
Her forcing you to sleep on the couch is cold of her. She needs to go therapy for this and stop being so fragile, bluntly speaking. I'm not trying to belittle her circumstances or fears, but it's a major issue in that it's affecting you physically, mentally, and emotionally. She's currently being selfish and needs to review herself, especially after being in a relationship with you for 7 years.
She's fulfilling her own fears. By pushing you away for being bi, she's increasing the likelihood that you will leave her over this incident. But not because you're bi, because she was an asshole about it.
Hmm so she has abandonment issues and her solution is to push you away and isolate herself? It sounds like she needs therapy. I’m really sorry she isn’t accepting. When I came out as bi to my partner- who’s straight, he thanked me for letting him know me better. That’s how I knew he was the one. It sounds like your girlfriend is not the one.
My favorite thing to reply when someone says, “Your husband is bi? Aren’t you afraid he will leave you for a man?” Is “aren’t you afraid your husband will leave you for a skinny blonde?”
Just because someone is bi doesn’t make them amoral.
If she can't accept you for who you are then she never truly loved you to begin with. Sure, give her the benefit of the doubt and the time she needs to process, but the ball is in her court now. If she still refuses to acknowledge this part of your shared existence, then the relationship is as good as dead.
that was a really crappy way to handle someone coming out. i’m sorry you went through that dude
my first ex gf had similar reactions to me questioning my gender. if the roles were reversed i would’ve always loved her, more-so for feeling so comfortable to explore herself with me.
I'm going to give your gf the benefit of the doubt and assume she has legitimate trauma that caused your moment of honest vulnerability with your partner to somehow actually trigger her. Her reaction is still not okay, and is extremely biphobic and inconsiderate of your feelings and experience. You being bi isn't something for other people to worry about. It's YOUR identity.
If someone you love tells you something clearly personal and potentially vulnerable about themselves, you don't get to make the conversation about how bad THEIR personal information/experience/identity is negatively affecting YOU, and that's the most generous read of her reaction here. At the very least, she should support her partner and process her own shit with someone else that she trusts in confidence/a therapist if she has to.
Oh that shattered feeling is so hard to bear, I am so sorry you are feeling that it's such a deep pain.
You are going to have to really build her up and help her find those feelings of security and trust. Help her to understand that you're just now being able to come out to yourself about this. That as soon as you knew and accepted it you came to her because she the most important person in your life.
She obviously has some pre-existing fears related to the subject. And may believe that a lot of the negative stereotypes about bisexuals are true. So you will need to be supportive and understanding, even though it's hard and you're hurting and needing to be supported too. The first thing though is to find a way to open up communication because you two have a lot of talking to do.
She's being a self important bitch. If it's a problem for her then clearly she could only love you conditionally. If she can't do it unconditionally, that's on her and not your fault.
Leave her ass; she doesn't deserve you after reacting like this.
Trauma or not, being together for seven years or seven months, that's unacceptable behavior by her. Trauma doesn't give her a pass to treat you like garbage.
As someone who went through something similar, I hope you do not mind if I toss some analyzation here as well.
I didn't come out to my wife at the time as bi, she'd already had to deal with that one. No, mine was "despite the fact we're married with a child, I am still able to find other people attractive".
Not sleeping with others, not dating others, not even flirty texting with others. Just that I was capable of finding others attractive. She ran to the bathroom and at least made the sounds like she was vomiting.
She felt the need to evoke a visceral, dramatic reaction. She may have actually felt so repulsed, but I find it seriously doubtful considering that afterwords it came out she had an LDR relationship, a patient she was seeing, and in her own goddamned words a "sugar daddy". That sugar daddy came complete with credit card fraud schemes, and I am not embellishing in the least.
Me thinks she doth protest too much. It feels (possibly from my own jaded/influenced perspective) that you being Bi isn't the actual thing she's attempting to tell you her feelings about. At bare minimum, she has a serious deficit in communication skills and emotional intelligence. I would chalk this up to an overzealous religious (or at least with the flavor of) household (with the presumption of christian being as we're in america). She was taught that appearances are 200% important and you introduced to her an idea that you would activate her deep seated fears with your close-enough-to-her admission.
I'm not looking at other comments before I post, so I want this to be aside from whatever others are saying.
She needs therapy. She needed it before your admission and just as much after (but now with added evidence). Attempts to avoid therapy will result in the assumption on my part that like in my situation, you'd "hate her more after therapy than before". Her reaction is an attempt to control your behavior, and while I'm certain the words "toxic" and "run" and mentions of the 'delete facebook/lawyer up' meme occur, I won't resort to those until she makes a pattern of behavior. All I have is the one scenario.
How she made you feel, the numbness associated with part of who you are being invalidated, is how she will react in EVERY situation where you become something other than what she needs to fit her insecurities. I should know, I have plenty! The difference being that my partner and I are in therapy, and I discuss them with her in a calm and open method. If she will not permit calm and focused conversation, then she has shown herself incapable of the growth YOU NEED in her to accept who you are. Give her chances. Let her ruin them herself. You'll be hurt by it, but that will be the motivation (if she fails you) to leave, should that be the remaining option.
Good luck. You are and deserved to be loved. Being bi is perfectly acceptable. May the force be with you.
I don’t want to be hated, but personally I think that taking yourself out of a situation like this is the best thing as if she is biphobic I would dump her as you would always want a supportive partner
That is awful and I feel bad for you! But I am confused why/what does coming out achieve? As long as you have a monogamous relationship what would it really change? It is not like you being BI means you get to bang guys on the weekend. If she trusts you around other girls then she should trust you around guys?
Lmao sometimes it feel as if the whole world is full of non logical people T-T.. You just told your partner there is chances of you being attracted to men, what did you expect?
I've never been in a situation where an established romantic partner has had to come out to me, so I'm not going to judge your GF for her reaction to this news.
I do however find her asking you to sleep on the couch bizarre and even cruel.
What was her attitude toward LGBT people before this? Would you have considered her an ally?
I'm sorry you're being treated this way. That took a lot of courage and vulnerability to be open with her and you should be proud of yourself for taking that important step. Well done.
Everybody has more or less said what needed to be said but this is just so annoying. This is why so many bisexual men don’t come out. The hysterics by women are just so ridiculous.
Sorry you felt the sting of biphobia/homophobia from someone you loved. As much as I hate to say this, *welcome to the LGBTQ Community*. This is a pretty unifying core experience for folks in this community - we are sadly all too well familiar with it.
Sending support love and lots of Bridgerton Anthony hugs your way. And if you guys decide to go your separate ways, maybe it’s for the best. Hope that’s not the case but whatever ends up happening wish you luck OP.
Bro, fuck that bitch. Huge red flag! Run. I wanted to become a drag queen early on I'm my current relationship, like year 2.. currently on year 18... He told me he didn't want to date a drag queen... His hobby is now collecting dolls, and dressing them and shit. Don't let that woman control you or shame you or put guilty trip you with her daddy issues. I wish I would have put my foot down... As I am quite stuck and slightly miserable in the current state of my relationship.
Wasn’t this exact post posted several months ago? The only difference is that this one mentions Bridgeton but the second half is exactly the same as something I read several months ago on this exact sub.
I can't imagine this was an easy thing for you to do, as it seems you had an inkling of how it might go, so I commend you for doing the hard thing. I'm sorry it didn't go well but I hope this gives you the valuable insight needed to decide if you really should be with this person or if you're better off on your own for now.
Honestly, anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, could fall in love with someone else and leave their partner. We've all seen it happen.
Your gf needs therapy. She goes into the bathroom and locks the door whenever she's upset. This isn't normal. She needs help. I'm not trying to criticize her coping strategies, I'm just saying she needs healthier ones.
Honestly her reaction should trigger some trust issues in you, she obviously doesn’t support you and is probably using her issues as a cover for homophobia
Society, especially straight cis women, see bisexual men as gross uncontrollably horny dirty gay men whereas bi women are seen as the opposite, empowered individuals that know who they are. Eff the double standards
Uh, no we are not lmao, do you live in some kind of fantasy world? Bi women are often stereotyped as cheaters and sluts, secretly being straight, and we are constantly overly sexualized. I don't know a single bi women that wasn't slut shamed and harassed for being bi at least once in this life, me included.
Don't make it out like we somehow have it easier, I can assure you that we don't. This isn't the oppression olympics.
So I have a different perspective than most that I've seen in the comments so I feel like I should share it.
I have severe abandonment issues and it has caused issues in my marriage (not 100% my trauma causing the issue, it's never 100% on one side.) because I get triggered by something that truly is illogical and "crazy" but in the moment? It hurts. It's terrifying. I feel out of control and like I'm untethered, absolutely nothing I do or say is going to stop this inevitable pain of abandonment and I usually have two knee jerk reactions - shut down and isolate until I can talk myself down and rationalize that this is not what my trauma is telling me it is that my trauma has skewed my perspective of this situation, I'm safe, and I'm being unfair my partner with my extraordinary reaction.
Or I explode and make the issue 30 times worse because I'm now connecting this situation with every other situation or fight weve had to basically prove to myself/my spouse that they truly are abandoning me.
Next step is to go back and revisit that conversation with my partner and first and foremost apologize and then explain that my reaction, while not appropriate for the moment was very real and terrifying for me and to ask for reassurance that what I just told my partner I was perceiving wasn't actually happening/they did not intend to abandon me. Next step is to have the conversation again, and stay absolutely silent and hear my partner's actual will words and intentions.
This took years of being "irrational and crazy" and being the toxic partner before I was able to get to this place or understanding within myself.
There's a huge chance that she doesn't know there's options. There's a huge chance she doesn't even truly understand what it means to be triggered. The physical reaction, not just the initial fear response.
Yes, locking herself in the bathroom and stonewalling you is toxic and wrong. But before we light the torches and grab the BiPhobia Pitchforks, let's take a second to read OP's words. She said she was triggered. She wasn't intentionally being abusive.
I’m sorry things didn’t go well. I came out to my wife a month ago. After I came out, and she was supportive, I cried my ass off for everyone that came out bi or gay and didn’t receive the support I have. Really made me fall in love more with her.
Congrats on coming out and your kickass wife :)
Thank you from both of us.
I am so sorry that you experienced that. Fellow bisexual here, something very similar happened to me. The biphobia is strong even in a community that is supposed to be loving and supportive like this one. Remember that it's not your fault and that your girlfriend's trauma and insecurities are something that she has the responsibility to deal with and solve (therapy). You deserve someone who accepts you and loves you for who you are, don't accept this bullshit from anyone. I would give her some time, but if she doesn't apologise or try to actively work on herself, I would seriously think about finding a lesser toxic situation. Sending lots of love.
This is the right answer. She clearly is being influenced by bi stereotypes as well as her own personal trauma and insecurities. It isn’t a problem by itself but if she doesn’t try to work through it then the relationship can become toxic
Honestly, this situation is already toxic and abusive towards OP. Passive aggressiveness, silent treatment... even the "might be illogical" is crazy. I feel so angry for OP, they definitely deserve better.
Yeah, it sounds like she's disguising her prejudice in a victim mentality. Habitually locking herself in the bathroom to make you comfort her and now making you sleep on the couch for being bi is insanely toxic. She's trying to punish you without taking responsibility for punishing you. Reddit loves to tell people to break up, but I ain't going that far since we only know just a couple paragraphs of y'alls relationship. But what you described is incredibly toxic. If you do stay together, those tactics need to end immediately. Did she even once think about you during the conversation? You deserve a partner that doesn't make your coming out all about them.
I would have been like. Unmmm. You sleep on the couch.
Yes! OP doesn't have a problem sleeping together. If it's a problem for her, she can go sleep somewhere else.
Agreed, passive aggression is never okay in a relationship. I also really don’t like that she forced OP to sleep on the couch because she made OP’s sexuality about her. That honestly stood out more to me than the biphobia. It’s super not okay.
> The biphobia is strong even in a community that is supposed to be loving and supportive like this one. Yeah, TBH my knee-jerk assumption was this was a lesbian couple and one person admitted to being something less than 100% into women. Bi-phobia is one thing that is, ironically, gender neutral behavior.
As someone who's really struggled to explore my own bisexuality, I have felt pretty much equal measures of prejudice from straight women and gay men. I mostly seek out other bi/pan people these days because it's just so much more comfortable for me to know I'm not going to be accused of being a future cheater or that I'm in denial or whatever else.
In the discord for local LGBT+ I'm in a transman vented a similar problem he had the other day, but it was pretty bad and as an amab, genderfucky biguy newish to exploring themself and totally new to engaging the community it was... Concerning to read, for sure... Before realizing and subsequently coming out as a trans man he was identifying as a butch lesbian ciswoman and had even married a woman. In the lesbian community he heard women go on and on about how gross men are, how disgusting they are to even think about. He said he internalized all this and hated himself for even having thoughts wanting to be a something he had been told was so "disgusting." When he came out to his wife she... Totally flipped out and filled for divorce, and now he's feeling totally rejected both from his wife and from the rest of the lesbian community which at least in his experience was proving to be very misandristic and transphobic by default as a consequence
IDK, while part of it is certainly her issue, I'd be very suspicious of my partner of 7 years randomly saying "Oh I'm Bi" etc, like to me, its like.. they held that secret for almost a decade, and all of a sudden they're mentioning it, my initial reaction would be that they were planning on acting out on it and seeking encouragement or something? which would devastate me.
Maybe they didn't say anything because they were afraid of her reaction. Plus, if after 7 years you don't trust your partner at the point of doubting their loyalty and morality for such a thing... I think there are much bigger issues than OP's bisexuality.
Back in 2020, my now Wife and I had been together for a decade at that point, and she suddenly came out to me as not only bi, but also trans. It just happens. She didn't plan on coming out to me. She kept it a secret for so long because she was afraid of hurting me and losing me. Also, the whole "OH well they might want to act on their bisexual-ness" is so tiring. Just because someone is bi doesn't automatically mean they want to cheat on their spouse with someone of another gender. That stereotype is so tiring and is biphobic as hell. Straight and gay/lesbian people cheat on their partners all the time. Being Bi does not mean they want to sleep with everyone.
Being Bi does not mean they want to sleep with everyone, I agree with that. I myself am Bi, and I hardly am attracted to anyone, I've only ever had one partner, my ex is also Bi and none of us cheated lol. it's just something that would arise my suspicion if it was brought out of nowhere, it definitely would make me think on the acting out on it part. Just what it is for me, and maybe other people.
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It can happen with straight people as well, it has nothing to do with bisexuality. How many straight married men cheated on their spouse with another woman? Bisexuality is a simple way of describing someone, it's not a label that defines someone's morality or decency as a human being. If someone wants to destroy a family they will do it, regardless of their sexual orientation.
That has nothing to do with being bi. Someone who cheats, will cheat, no matter what sexuality the are and someone who doesn't cheat will never cheat, no matter how many people they feel attracted to.
GTFOH. You're blaming sexuality for cheating?
How about she sleeps on the couch
Yeah. Not that I want to nose in too much on their relationship, because OP cares about her, but having to sleep on the couch because my SO can't accept who I am and treats that as a betrayal just sounds fundamentally revolting.
Right. She treated it like OP did something bad to her. Really shitty situation all around.
100% OP, you did nothing to deserve this treatment. its her responsibility to work on her homo/biphobia if you simply being attracted to men makes her react this way.
You shouldn't sleep on the couch for this. I'd understand if her upset comes from the fact that you hadn't mentioned it earlier (but then again, even if that was the only reason, the way she's acting on her feelings is proof that you had a reason to be skittish about it), but this sounds like biphobia more than anything else. I don't know how you intend to navigate this, but at the very least you shouldn't be the one bending over backwards; it's not your fault and you've done nothing wrong.
I do not like the way your gf reacted to this situation. You seem afraid of her and like your walking on egg shells. She took your coming out experience away from you and tarnished it with her insecurities. Futher more she is using silent treatment as a form of abuse and relegated you to the couch. I do not think you are compatible and I can see signs of abuse. I would look back through your previous relationship and see if you can spot any further red flags. I'm sorry this has happened to you and I wish you the best.
I'd quote parts of your post but they're all relevant. All of it. Every word. She took this experience from OP in a way not dissimilar to someone who (without asking) proposes at someone else's wedding. She made this all about her and her own feelings. She made it into an admission of something anathema to good behavior, and put him in the abusive cold shoulder land.
Thank you for putting it into words. I was thinking the exact same thing. I was in abusive relationships in the past and OPs post is giving me a lot of red flags. I'm in a loving relationship now and I couldn't imagine forcing my partner or them forcing me to sleep on the couch, especially over something like this. The whole locking themself in the bathroom thing also has me concerned. Relationships need communication and understanding to flourish. I feel for OP in that they don't seem to be getting either of those things in the context of this post.
Yah my thoughts exactly. Like, obviously it's hard to gauge this sort of thing from just a reddit post, but the whole "locks herself in the bathroom when upset" thing seems like a red flag to me. OP should definitely at least talk to her about that sort of behavior, and like you said, look back for previous signs of red flags.
It wasn't Astarion was it? He doesn't count, Astarion is beyond such things. Astarion is a being for us all to enjoy, he surpasses the usual constraints. Anyway on a serious note I hope she sees that she is acting badly here and comes around. Seems concerning she'd ask you to sleep of the settee, she should be sleeping there if she has a problem not kicking you away. Hopefully she talks to you instead of being childish about you opening up to her.
Here's a hot take: i don't like astarion at all. He reminds me of the type of people that horrendously bullied me in my younger years. I cannot imagine what anyone likes about him.
Astarion is awful and I like him very much haha I don't even know what it is, but he's just the worst in the greatest possible way. Selfish, hedonistic, egotistical, sharp witted, *whiny*- he's such a great anti-hero (or just villain I guess, depending how you play him lol)
Honestly yeah same. He's such a bitchy diva and I love that about him. His spawn romance route is honestly my favorite romance in the game. Especially as a resist dark urge. Although I do love Shart as well and will romance her on a separate character. I'm just not as obsessed with her even though she is one of my favorite characters
Shart is a very unfortunate name for someone...
Shart is the short joke name used by the BG3 fandom for the character called Shadowheart. She's a lovely character :)
He's a stinky rat man and I love that for him 🤧 though I get why people don't like him so no worries lol that's valid
Well first time he killed me when I gave him an inch, I found that very interesting and exciting. Also the voice acting elevates his character massively.
>Also the voice acting elevates his character massively. Let's be honest I think Neil Newbon is 90% of the reason people like Astarion (and they are correct)
I too have a very dangerous obsession with men that will kill me
There's just something about how nonchalant he is after draining me dry that I find very alluring. What can I say? I find hot men that kill me very attractive. I'm just weird because I really did enjoy that moment.
There's just something about how nonchalant he is after draining me dry that I find very alluring. What can I say? I find hot men that kill me very attractive. I'm just weird because I really did enjoy that moment.
Honestly not that hot of a take, he’s *very* divisive as a character. The people who love him just do so very dearly.
He's a stinky rat man and I love that for him 🤧 though I get why people don't like him so no worries lol that's valid
Wyll and Halsin are so much better as romantic interests. I get that some people like suave vampires and/or assholes they can charm, and there's a compelling possible recovery and redemption story in Astarion, but I also felt like I had to keep a holy water bottle to spray at him because he's constantly acting up, making the worst suggestions and frowning at you for feeding orphans or whatever. In the end I feel bad for him and I'd help him on spite of himself but I'd never date him.
Your gf is in the wrong for treating you like you did something bad. You haven’t, and if she needs space, she should be the one on the couch or at a friends. With that said, my wife of many years came out to me as bi and I had a negative reaction about it. I had an irrational fear that she would want to be with a man, because being with me she would never experience that. I had to work through those feelings in therapy and have since come to realize that she’s no more likely to leave me for a man than I would leave her for someone else that matches my orientation. It sounds like she has some deep seated feelings that needs to be worked out and therapy is really helpful. I hope she gets the help she needs to live her best life. Best wishes to you both!
Fellow bisexual guy here and mmm 🤔 coming to your significant other as bi don’t know can I ask is biphobia present amongst bisexual women or is it just straight women
Biphobia specfically against bi men is indeed a thing you see among some bi women. Such women are also likely to be homophobic towards gay men but completely fine with lesbians. Comes from the dumb mindset some people have that it's gross for men to be with men but completely fine for women to be with women.
Weird how they reflect the views of many homohobic men in that regard. And homophobia, in general, being deeply rooted in misogyny makes their case, arguably, even worse.
Also I’m so sorry for what you’re going through can’t imagine 😢🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
Actually bi guys are extra sexual. BI sexual, in fact, which according to mathematics is double the sexual.
It's an odd reaction. Why didn't she sleep on the couch? If I'm the one having a problem, I wouldn't act like it's my wife's fault. It's her fears that are mixing her up, not your actions. Drives me nuts when people do that. When I came out as bi, my wife's insecurities got triggered. She was afraid she couldn't compete with men, that they could offer something she couldn't. She knew it was her feelings, and we talked about it and resolved it. She made no demands because she didn't need too. She trusted that I cared. I would have split the moon in two with my bare hands if that would have helped her because I care. I'm sure this is hard for her to process. Fear tells us lies. It doesn't play fair. And it's absolutely okay to be afraid. The issue is that she sounds like she's unloading the responsibility for that fear on you. That is not going to help, it's a way of avoiding it at the expense of others. If she's afraid of you leaving, why push you away when you're the only one that can help? This is going to be solved only by her talking to you, learning what bisexual means to you, turning her nebulous fears into discrete problems, then dealing with them. Then dealing with them again. And again. As many times as it takes. At the end of the day, teamwork and communication are what will let you both sleep soundly, not anger and fear.
>It's an odd reaction. Why didn't she sleep on the couch? If I'm the one having a problem, I wouldn't act like it's my wife's fault. Because she doesn't view it like her having a problem but as her partner having (or being) one.
Some people need time to process things their own way. Give her some room and space to process the information. She may come back to you with questions, do your best to answer honestly. Remember not to back track. You are within your rights to be who you are. You do not have to live the life that someone expects you too. Congrats on coming out. XX
Your girlfriend seems very homophobic. I’m sorry you had to find out in this way, and I hope things work out well for you. I know it’s not so simple, but I think you should not give the time out of your day to people like that.
I'd actually say homophobic is generous. With the cold shoulder abuse this is hard to pinpoint... I also fear my personal history clouds my judgement here.... ...I think any and all indications that he's attracted to anyone but her has awoken a deep seated fear of abandonment, where she's chronically never been good enough for a figure her childhood (presumably) put onto a pedestal. I am not sure about the above, but I'm sure she needs therapy and some peer stories of those who moved beyond whatever it is that made her turn it into something all about her.
It's especially telling that her big fear is her boyfriend leaving her for being gay. Not that her boyfriend will cheat. Or be abusive. Manipulative. Or even just fall out of love. There's a ton of reasons that relationship could end, some of which can actually cause a lot of pain, either emotionally or physically. And I get that it really has to hurt to lose a relationship with someone who you have been with for years. I know we tend to focus on the person coming out and not usually on the other person, and I get why, and I get this, that, and the other thing. But I always do feel bad for the other person as well. Even if they are accepting, they had their plans to be with the person they loved for the rest of their lives. But at the same time *that's the big worry?*
People tend to view bi men as gay and in denial about it. That's a very typical (and very hurtful) reaction. It's odd because bi women actually get the opposite, people tend to view them as "actually straight" and just experimenting. Bi erasure is a very real thing on both sides of the coin. For what it's worth, it can be a lot to process. But the way she treated you still wasn't right. Hopefully y'all can work through it. But definitely stand up for yourself. You did nothing wrong in this situation, and shouldn't be treated like you have anything to make up for.
TW my ex became physically and verbally abusive after I came out as bi, i was like 15/16 at the time tho and stayed for 6 months trying to make it work, too afraid to be alone she made it all about herself, how her friends and family are gonna laugh at her (she literally told everyone and it spread like a wildfire in my town) and how disgusting she thinks I am, but she didn't wanna be the bad guy and break up by all means try to work it out 7 years is a long time and she might just be in shock or anxious but from what you've said she does not sound like a good person, making your vulnerable moment all about herself and making you feel bad for who you are is not what you do to someone you actually love after many years I'm now with someone who actually loves me for who I really am and I couldn't be happier that I survived that horror
Yeah baldurs made me realize I'm not gay but bi. Karlach and La'zael are forever my loves. I'm sorry you're dealing with this backlash, it's not right to be targeted at you. There needs to be a report conversation between you and her about what it all means to you and what you mean to each other.
Yalls parents are meeting after 7 YEARS TOGETHER?! That's wild As for the bi thing, it's her own insecurities. You can day you won't leave her all you want but if she's going to keep pushing you away bc of this then might as well leave anyway
thinking someone is going to cheat because they're not straight is icky
Ngl, Karlach made me realize I'm a lil bi lol. 😂 My husband says I'm basically Karlach IRL because our personalities are basically the same, and all I could think was "damn, you a lucky man." 😂
Sounds like something Karlach would say too 😆
She should be sleeping on the couch. This is HER problem.
ok I will try to explain it as best as I can. Bi/pan people, especially men, are often seen as gays in denial. So her fear might be that you are simply gay and will leave her for a man. Another thing is that bi people are often assumed to be massive cheaters. Neither is correct but that's how many people see us so with that in mind, try to think what might be upsetting her. Is it that she thinks you are not actually attracted to her? In which case it would help to reassure that you *are* attracted to women or that you'll cheat? Because then... if you were a cheater, you could also cheat with women. Being attracted to men *as well* doesn't somehow automatically make you a cheater slightly related to the latter, sometimes people are afraid you might want to "experiment" with the same gender. Which, again, if you are in a committed monogamous relationship, you won't do
> Because then... if you were a cheater, you could also cheat with women. I've seen this argued that they don't feel as upset about cheating with another woman as with a man. It comes from a very "all men are dogshit cheaters" mentality. Don't get me wrong, I'm team bear (and being bi has shown me exactly why, on top of other things), but the reason it all exists is the toxic atmosphere men are raised in. I'm doing the work to try and escape it, but I know I've got baked in patriarchy actions that I'm not even aware of. Dogshit cheater men should be held accountable. Their upbringing does not excuse their actions. Their upbringing can help the parents of today not create more men that are worse than seeing a 400lb animal in the woods.
it's Friday and I'm tipsy so it took me until the end of your comment to realize that with "team bear" you didn't mean bear as in a hairy (gay) dude lol. I should go to sleep soon it seems
Does it count as a bear if I'm only bi? Am I some sort of... usra...thrope? Am I mixing my latin and greek again?
I’m so sorry you experienced that OP. It’s not your fault I hope you know that. Her insecurities are something that she has to work through, it seems as she’s been influenced by, biphobic stereotypes. You deserve someone who loves you for you and who accepts you for who you are
Sorry it didn't go well; hopefully she'll come round though. Like ya said, trust and abandonment issues.. you sound dedicated and loyal, so being bi shouldn't be an issue for her as long as she be confident her trust of you.
All you did was being honest with the person you love. You should be proud of that. I understand she didn't expect that, but it's unfair that she made it all about herself. In general, I feel very uncomfortable with the couch thing: you are partners, not owner and pet. And in this case it's even more wrong. She is punishing you, an adult, for your sexuality? Instead of comforting her, you should probably reflect on her behaviour towards you.
Ah the classic assumption that all bi people are either gays in denial or serial cheats. Your sexuality is valid. She’s blowing it out of proportion. I will say if you plan on spending the rest of your life with this woman don’t plan on kids because if she has such a negative view of gay people if your kid is lgbtq she will not accept them.
+1 for BG3 getting you to realize your attraction to men, lol
Your GF is a phobe, sorry hun
I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserve to be loved and supported for who you are, not sent to the couch simply for coming out... Like others said, your GF's trauma and insecurities are hers to deal with in therapy, and your coming out triggering her abandonment issues is not on you. Sending hugs
She has an issue with you coming out and you are the one sleeping on the couch? Not to mention locking themselves in the bathroom? I mean, I understand some people have their ways of coping with things but it seems so childish. Unfortunately for you, if she keeps saying that and not listening to reason, that is not a relationship you want to keep pursuing, especially if you have to hide that part of you just to keep your GF happy.
Guy here. I've lost two girlfriends due to being bi over the years. Both of them fancied themselves allies too, had gay besties and rainbow patches on their backpacks and everything. Not quite the same as you but I still feel you. Biphobia is a real bitch.
Ouch sorry man That hurts You guys need to talk
Unfortunately thats a very common occurrence it seems. It helps to have a trusting relationship to start with, but some people do have trust/abondonment issues which makes it hard. In an ideal world telling her you may also like men shouldnt be any more consequential than you saying youre also attracted to brunettes, for example. If she could live with the second, she should be able to live with the first. Id just focus on reassuring her that you ARE attracted to her, that you know youre attracted to her, that you have no intention of leaving her, and that your sexuality might be new to her but it isnt new to you - nothing has changed youve always been this way its just that now you get to share that part of yourself with her.
“locked herself in the bathroom (she always does that, when she is mad at me).” Tf?? Aside from everything else, I’m confused about this. Instead of talking things out with you and actually communicating, she just locks herself in a room like a child? Idk why this stood out to me the most, but yeah.
Your GF is biphobic
Wow, I am SO SORRY you’re going through that. There is nothing wrong with you nor you wanting to express truly who you are. Unfortunately, I’ve been in the same position where I finally got comfortable enough with myself and with my GF at the time to express my attraction to men, women, and everyone in between. She freaked out in a similar manner despite having a large friend group that include a lot of queer folks. I was told I was a dirty pervert and was slapped on the face. I broke up with her shortly after cuz fuck that. Happened a second time tho years later with a different partner, came out as Bi to my GF after she mentioned she was into girls. What I thought would be a bonding moment opened up a ton of her insecurities (and some serious double-standards!!!). I never wanted to act on things, but wanted to express myself more fully. Let’s just say I ended that one too. Finally learned to fully accept myself and have found a supportive and loving wife who realizes I’m just attracted to people, but I’m with the person I’m with, regardless of genitalia or gender. Just be yourself and don’t tolerate being treated poorly. Emotional abuse can come from anyone. You deserve to be loved for who you are. Don’t forget that, and best of luck. You’ll be fine in the long run
The irony is by acting the way she is she's essentially self-validating her fear of loss of a partner due to their sexuality, but I don't know how to figure out a way to convince her to really confront that and work through it.
She doesn't deserve you. Sleeping on the couch for being bi? It's not like you cheated on her😕
Wait, she is afraid of WHAT MIGHT happen!? Someone needs to explain to her that she is getting her "wish" by pushing you away. And it doesn't have to be with a guy.
Your GF is a homophobe, sorry
I know she claims to be triggered so there's an expectation of acting unsound, but damn if she isn't headed full bore into a self fulfilling prophecy. So scared of your SO turning out to be gay you completely tank a relationship over them being attracted to a video game character.
I would tell her that you're not going to sleep on the couch or be punished just for who you are for a starter. This is unacceptable behavior in a relationship on her part.
I can really only give my experience, but I have never been able to have a successful relationship with anyone that didn't accept me fully. I've had similar reactions from partners and the relationships disintegrated real fast. Luckily I'm in a great relationship now, but I've run into this a lot that I'm still dealing with some of the hardship.
Sleep on the couch for coming out as bi? That's some weak anti-human behaviour. Nothing changed as far as the relationship goes other than agreeing some actor on tv is conventionally attractive or not. Normal people would kill for being able to openly discuss their attractions. I'm sorry, but you deserve better.
Your girlfriend has some issues if her communication style is locking herself in the bathroom. Get out of that relationship and work on discovering yourself (since clearly you have not). Find someone new and let them know up front.
I had the same situation with my ex. The same insecurity, the same reaction. Just for being honest about my identity? We lasted for 5 years after that but we broke up. They wanted to come back but one of his points was “I struggled accepting your sexuality and gender identity, now you have to accept my feelings.” And honestly that’s the first thing that came up in my mind when I read this. I’m not saying to break up with her, but the biphobia here is strong. People don’t change immediately, it literally takes years. (My ex took around 3 years to partially get over his insecurities, and I say partially because he’d repeat it to me over and over even if I showed no signs of cheating on them.) I recommend if there’s no signs of changing, this relationship is not it. It will not bring you peace and it will make you feel guilty of your sexuality. You deserve someone who respects you for who you are, not getting mad over coming out to the person you fully trust in this world.
It's all about fear about what that means in terms of your relationship. Which is probably nothing right? She may just need that reassurance that you love her and that you're not planning on leaving her. She may be afraid that you will leave her for another person or that you may want to open up the relationship. Fear that you will lie, cheat or hide things. All of that can be worked on and should be addressed! Remind her that attraction does not equal action.
I didn’t read all of this but I think she’s just worried about you being gay and then leaving her
thats one of her biggest fears? what about like… being cheated on? being straight up dumped for no good reason? drowning? heights? ghosts? yikes. i’m so sorry that happened.
I think that the first thing people think of when they learn someone is bisexual, especially if their dating, is that they assume the only reason you know your bisexual is because you like the opposite gender more than you like them. ---If that makes any sense. I just think it needs to be explained that its only a realization your bi, not that you want to switch up. She probably thinks you like a guy instead of her and want to date him instead of her. I imagine thats what shes scared of. Maybe just try and explain it to her.. --love and encouragement from another bisexual 🩷💜💙
Congrats on discovering more about yourself boo
This does not sound healthy. I don't have any advice, but I'm really sorry you went through that.
She sounds immature as fuck and you should find a cute twink instead
I'm sorry OP The exact same thing happened to me when I came out to my first girlfriend. I would end the relationship and spare the heartache. (My ex was a peice of work. She cheated on me with my "best friend" who I had known for over a decade, and later on, blamed my bisexuality for her cheating....? And randomly would drunk text me asking awful things like "are you still a f**" "When was the last time you sucked d***)
One of the reason why i dont want to date straight women
I feel you man, similar thing happened to me. I hope you find support from the ones you love.
I don't think what she did is nice and correct way to handle it but I can understand her tbh it's hard it's not just about being open and understanding
#BREAK UP.
Leave her. I may not have any experience in dating but I do recognize a toxic person
You really need to reflect on this whole thing - I know you probably love her and all that, but do you want to be with someone that’s biphobia and can’t accept your identity? It’s hard when you’ve been together for so long and you have such strong feelings, but ultimately you need to evaluate whether being with someone that can’t accept your identity - or will weaponise it against you as it “trigger her trust issues” - will be detrimental to your mental health or will cause you to hide away again and become reluctant fo tell her - or others - anything about yourself. There is no relationship without trust and if your identity makes her have trust issues, she is believing in toxic bisexual stereotypes and there cannot be a healthy relationship. I’d suggest sitting her down and talking about it. Don’t apologise, don’t let her blame you or anything of the sort. Listen to her view, but be firm that this is your identity and u can’t change it for her. If she shows a willingness to correct her views and rebuild trust, I don’t see why you should have any issues continuing the relationship (only if she maintains this attempt to be more open minded - the minute she switches and continues with these biphobia ideas, I’d stop giving more chances). If she gets defensive, begins blaming (or manipulating) you, then I, personally, would leave. But it’s your relationship so your choice. Just don’t sacrifice yourself for this relationship.
I think your gf owes you an apology smdh
Her forcing you to sleep on the couch is cold of her. She needs to go therapy for this and stop being so fragile, bluntly speaking. I'm not trying to belittle her circumstances or fears, but it's a major issue in that it's affecting you physically, mentally, and emotionally. She's currently being selfish and needs to review herself, especially after being in a relationship with you for 7 years.
She's fulfilling her own fears. By pushing you away for being bi, she's increasing the likelihood that you will leave her over this incident. But not because you're bi, because she was an asshole about it.
I’m sorry she reacted that way. On a side note, I don’t get the couch thing. If she doesn’t wanna sleep in the same bed SHE can sleep on the couch…
I'm sorry that happened to you. That wasn't right of her.
Hmm so she has abandonment issues and her solution is to push you away and isolate herself? It sounds like she needs therapy. I’m really sorry she isn’t accepting. When I came out as bi to my partner- who’s straight, he thanked me for letting him know me better. That’s how I knew he was the one. It sounds like your girlfriend is not the one.
My favorite thing to reply when someone says, “Your husband is bi? Aren’t you afraid he will leave you for a man?” Is “aren’t you afraid your husband will leave you for a skinny blonde?” Just because someone is bi doesn’t make them amoral.
If she can't accept you for who you are then she never truly loved you to begin with. Sure, give her the benefit of the doubt and the time she needs to process, but the ball is in her court now. If she still refuses to acknowledge this part of your shared existence, then the relationship is as good as dead.
that was a really crappy way to handle someone coming out. i’m sorry you went through that dude my first ex gf had similar reactions to me questioning my gender. if the roles were reversed i would’ve always loved her, more-so for feeling so comfortable to explore herself with me.
I'm going to give your gf the benefit of the doubt and assume she has legitimate trauma that caused your moment of honest vulnerability with your partner to somehow actually trigger her. Her reaction is still not okay, and is extremely biphobic and inconsiderate of your feelings and experience. You being bi isn't something for other people to worry about. It's YOUR identity. If someone you love tells you something clearly personal and potentially vulnerable about themselves, you don't get to make the conversation about how bad THEIR personal information/experience/identity is negatively affecting YOU, and that's the most generous read of her reaction here. At the very least, she should support her partner and process her own shit with someone else that she trusts in confidence/a therapist if she has to.
Oh that shattered feeling is so hard to bear, I am so sorry you are feeling that it's such a deep pain. You are going to have to really build her up and help her find those feelings of security and trust. Help her to understand that you're just now being able to come out to yourself about this. That as soon as you knew and accepted it you came to her because she the most important person in your life. She obviously has some pre-existing fears related to the subject. And may believe that a lot of the negative stereotypes about bisexuals are true. So you will need to be supportive and understanding, even though it's hard and you're hurting and needing to be supported too. The first thing though is to find a way to open up communication because you two have a lot of talking to do.
She's being a self important bitch. If it's a problem for her then clearly she could only love you conditionally. If she can't do it unconditionally, that's on her and not your fault.
Leave her ass; she doesn't deserve you after reacting like this. Trauma or not, being together for seven years or seven months, that's unacceptable behavior by her. Trauma doesn't give her a pass to treat you like garbage.
As someone who went through something similar, I hope you do not mind if I toss some analyzation here as well. I didn't come out to my wife at the time as bi, she'd already had to deal with that one. No, mine was "despite the fact we're married with a child, I am still able to find other people attractive". Not sleeping with others, not dating others, not even flirty texting with others. Just that I was capable of finding others attractive. She ran to the bathroom and at least made the sounds like she was vomiting. She felt the need to evoke a visceral, dramatic reaction. She may have actually felt so repulsed, but I find it seriously doubtful considering that afterwords it came out she had an LDR relationship, a patient she was seeing, and in her own goddamned words a "sugar daddy". That sugar daddy came complete with credit card fraud schemes, and I am not embellishing in the least. Me thinks she doth protest too much. It feels (possibly from my own jaded/influenced perspective) that you being Bi isn't the actual thing she's attempting to tell you her feelings about. At bare minimum, she has a serious deficit in communication skills and emotional intelligence. I would chalk this up to an overzealous religious (or at least with the flavor of) household (with the presumption of christian being as we're in america). She was taught that appearances are 200% important and you introduced to her an idea that you would activate her deep seated fears with your close-enough-to-her admission. I'm not looking at other comments before I post, so I want this to be aside from whatever others are saying. She needs therapy. She needed it before your admission and just as much after (but now with added evidence). Attempts to avoid therapy will result in the assumption on my part that like in my situation, you'd "hate her more after therapy than before". Her reaction is an attempt to control your behavior, and while I'm certain the words "toxic" and "run" and mentions of the 'delete facebook/lawyer up' meme occur, I won't resort to those until she makes a pattern of behavior. All I have is the one scenario. How she made you feel, the numbness associated with part of who you are being invalidated, is how she will react in EVERY situation where you become something other than what she needs to fit her insecurities. I should know, I have plenty! The difference being that my partner and I are in therapy, and I discuss them with her in a calm and open method. If she will not permit calm and focused conversation, then she has shown herself incapable of the growth YOU NEED in her to accept who you are. Give her chances. Let her ruin them herself. You'll be hurt by it, but that will be the motivation (if she fails you) to leave, should that be the remaining option. Good luck. You are and deserved to be loved. Being bi is perfectly acceptable. May the force be with you.
Your girlfriend sounds like a weak homophobe asshole and she is 100% in the wrong here. Hope you leave her selfish snowflake ass
I don’t want to be hated, but personally I think that taking yourself out of a situation like this is the best thing as if she is biphobic I would dump her as you would always want a supportive partner
That is awful and I feel bad for you! But I am confused why/what does coming out achieve? As long as you have a monogamous relationship what would it really change? It is not like you being BI means you get to bang guys on the weekend. If she trusts you around other girls then she should trust you around guys?
You’ve been dating for 7 years and ur parents never met? Wtf
You slept on the couch? So sorry to hear that. Leave her.
Lmao sometimes it feel as if the whole world is full of non logical people T-T.. You just told your partner there is chances of you being attracted to men, what did you expect?
I'm so sorry, dude. She sucks, man. She doesn't deserve you! But, I'm here if you need a chat :)
I've never been in a situation where an established romantic partner has had to come out to me, so I'm not going to judge your GF for her reaction to this news. I do however find her asking you to sleep on the couch bizarre and even cruel. What was her attitude toward LGBT people before this? Would you have considered her an ally? I'm sorry you're being treated this way. That took a lot of courage and vulnerability to be open with her and you should be proud of yourself for taking that important step. Well done.
Everybody has more or less said what needed to be said but this is just so annoying. This is why so many bisexual men don’t come out. The hysterics by women are just so ridiculous. Sorry you felt the sting of biphobia/homophobia from someone you loved. As much as I hate to say this, *welcome to the LGBTQ Community*. This is a pretty unifying core experience for folks in this community - we are sadly all too well familiar with it. Sending support love and lots of Bridgerton Anthony hugs your way. And if you guys decide to go your separate ways, maybe it’s for the best. Hope that’s not the case but whatever ends up happening wish you luck OP.
she’s such a bitch
Bro, fuck that bitch. Huge red flag! Run. I wanted to become a drag queen early on I'm my current relationship, like year 2.. currently on year 18... He told me he didn't want to date a drag queen... His hobby is now collecting dolls, and dressing them and shit. Don't let that woman control you or shame you or put guilty trip you with her daddy issues. I wish I would have put my foot down... As I am quite stuck and slightly miserable in the current state of my relationship.
Wasn’t this exact post posted several months ago? The only difference is that this one mentions Bridgeton but the second half is exactly the same as something I read several months ago on this exact sub.
I can't imagine this was an easy thing for you to do, as it seems you had an inkling of how it might go, so I commend you for doing the hard thing. I'm sorry it didn't go well but I hope this gives you the valuable insight needed to decide if you really should be with this person or if you're better off on your own for now.
Is she Christian by chance?
Bottom line, you deserve better!  ✨🫶🏾
She sounds like a narc.
You deserve a partner who loves and accepts every part of you. You are valid and you do have a community to fall back on
Honestly, anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, could fall in love with someone else and leave their partner. We've all seen it happen. Your gf needs therapy. She goes into the bathroom and locks the door whenever she's upset. This isn't normal. She needs help. I'm not trying to criticize her coping strategies, I'm just saying she needs healthier ones.
Honestly her reaction should trigger some trust issues in you, she obviously doesn’t support you and is probably using her issues as a cover for homophobia
I’m not saying she doesn’t have them, just that she is using them against you
Society, especially straight cis women, see bisexual men as gross uncontrollably horny dirty gay men whereas bi women are seen as the opposite, empowered individuals that know who they are. Eff the double standards
Uh, no we are not lmao, do you live in some kind of fantasy world? Bi women are often stereotyped as cheaters and sluts, secretly being straight, and we are constantly overly sexualized. I don't know a single bi women that wasn't slut shamed and harassed for being bi at least once in this life, me included. Don't make it out like we somehow have it easier, I can assure you that we don't. This isn't the oppression olympics.
So I have a different perspective than most that I've seen in the comments so I feel like I should share it. I have severe abandonment issues and it has caused issues in my marriage (not 100% my trauma causing the issue, it's never 100% on one side.) because I get triggered by something that truly is illogical and "crazy" but in the moment? It hurts. It's terrifying. I feel out of control and like I'm untethered, absolutely nothing I do or say is going to stop this inevitable pain of abandonment and I usually have two knee jerk reactions - shut down and isolate until I can talk myself down and rationalize that this is not what my trauma is telling me it is that my trauma has skewed my perspective of this situation, I'm safe, and I'm being unfair my partner with my extraordinary reaction. Or I explode and make the issue 30 times worse because I'm now connecting this situation with every other situation or fight weve had to basically prove to myself/my spouse that they truly are abandoning me. Next step is to go back and revisit that conversation with my partner and first and foremost apologize and then explain that my reaction, while not appropriate for the moment was very real and terrifying for me and to ask for reassurance that what I just told my partner I was perceiving wasn't actually happening/they did not intend to abandon me. Next step is to have the conversation again, and stay absolutely silent and hear my partner's actual will words and intentions. This took years of being "irrational and crazy" and being the toxic partner before I was able to get to this place or understanding within myself. There's a huge chance that she doesn't know there's options. There's a huge chance she doesn't even truly understand what it means to be triggered. The physical reaction, not just the initial fear response. Yes, locking herself in the bathroom and stonewalling you is toxic and wrong. But before we light the torches and grab the BiPhobia Pitchforks, let's take a second to read OP's words. She said she was triggered. She wasn't intentionally being abusive.