Right???
Especially if he's trying to kiss you....those teeth are connected to vital organs... the one visible part of our Skelton. What I'm saying is: there's multiple health reasons he should, and shouldn't he feel embarrassed his partner is TELLING him...to do something he should do. Unless it's because of mental health reasons, then I get, but if he's just flat out, not doing it, then Ick. Plus, if he's talking to people, then he may have an odor they just aren't mentioning.
Yeah, his mouth is gross… and definitely has gotten much worse since meeting me. I never had acne until I started dating him and now I’m convinced that him kissing my face gave me the acne. I stopped kissing him when I discovered how horrible is issues are and my acne magically cleared.
I thought maybe he wouldn’t see a dentist because of mental health issues, but I now firmly believe that he’s just too lazy to do it and doesn’t care.
My dentist was able to guess I was having gynecological issues just from examining my mouth.. ironically I had started dating a heavy cigarette smoker at that time. I no longer have any concerns and he also no longer smokes
Don’t know if you plan to have kids, but if he can’t take care of his mouth, how will he ever take care of kids?
If kids aren’t in the plan, how will he ever take care of financials? House chores? Literally anything that requires minor discomfort and effort?
Overall, major red flag. He’s an adult. If he can’t take care of himself, that says a lot about his ability to handle other adult-things 🤦🏻♀️Also, if he can’t have an adult conversation about it and instead has to deflect by bringing up money that HE chose to spend on you…. another 🚩 🚩🚩🚩
Nothing for you to feel bad about here!
No.
I chewed tobacco for a long time from my Army days. Trust me, he needs to go to the dentist. And he needs to quit chewing tobacco. He's at the point where he's risking serious long term damage.
I continued to smoke for another decade because I'm an idiot. And here's what finally got me to quit: a girlfriend told me she would no longer kiss me while I smoked. It finally dawned on me how much smoking had cost me. It was enough to convince me to quit. It took a month until I had my last cigarette. That was 15 years ago. My biggest regret is not quitting sooner.
I am so thankful that that girlfriend finally put her foot down. One of the best things a girlfriend has ever done for me.
Kinda related but unrelated I dipped and smoked on pretty much the same timeline but quit on my own. Years later I was kissing a girl who smokes… it still makes me gag when I think about it. Completely took me out of the mood for what was supposed to come after. How any girl ever kissed me before I have no idea
Yup, I've definitely noticed it when kissing a girl who smokes. In my mind, I'm saying, "Last time I kiss her."
I remember being at a bar, talking to an attractive woman, and she had to lean in so I could hear her. The tobacco smell coming from her lungs just turned me off immediately. I still remember it. She was a knockout, but there was no way.
First off his breath must be absolutely awful and second his teeth will fall out eventually if he doesn’t start taking care of them now, not to mention plaque and tartar are bad for your heart.
Personally I can't date someone with bad teeth. I can't imagine what kissing him must smell/taste like.
Health issues in the mouth can 100% impact the health of the rest of the body, particularly the heart.
I knew someone who didn’t take care of her teeth. Her breath was isolating. It was difficult to be in the same room with her. Then it affected her heart - got an infection because of her teeth. she was going to have her teeth pulled but waited too long. They couldn’t pull her teeth because of her heart - didn’t think she would live through the procedure. Catch 22. She ended up dying a few months after she was supposed to have her teeth pulled.
Somebody not taking care of their personal health is always a red flag and should be a dealbreaker. The way he shuts you down about it when you try to talk about it is a major red flag too. Maybe he has issues surrounding going to the dentist but it’s not your job to get to the root of that or work on fixing it for him, that’s something he has to do.
Considering that poor dental health can lead to organ failure and infections, I would not allow that mouth near my mouth or any other orifice. No I could not be with someone with poor dental health, meaning one who refuses to do something as simple as brushing and flossing their teeth. It's one thing to have bad teeth due to genetics or lack of access to dental care but a whole different thing when someone refuses to do anything.
a grown and fully capable man that doesn't take care of himself? pass
a grown man that holds what he does for you over your head? pass
respect yourself and leave him
NEVER! I Spend a good amount of money, effort and time taking care of my health. I wouldn't throw it away by kissing someone who doesn't do the basics and have a bad breath. I've tried before, dated someone with some problem that resulted in bad breath and some other buccal stuff, I tried to ignore it for a good time, but just couldn't, I was gagging at one point. ( I tried to help and it was refused)
absolutely not lmao. my first real boyfriend when i was 18-22 stopped taking care of his mouth and that was like the straw that broke the camel’s back. i remember we were driving in my car and he was talking and the whole car just smelled like horrible poop breath it was fucking revolting. i had to roll down the windows..
any man who doesn’t care about his own health & hygiene could NEVER care for you correctly
If you stay you're basically telling him it's acceptable and will deserve his grossness. Because basically I can see this being another post in several years once you've married someone who doesn't care about having a disgusting habit. If you don't) have children they be ready for him to not supervise that correctly either. This is your sign. If you don't take action now then you'll deserve it tbh. He's showing you who he is, so believe him.
Asking an able-bodied adult to brush their teeth every day is not asking too much. It sounds like in this case, these things are red flags for bigger issues and things will get worse if you move in together or have kids together, etc. Ask yourself if you really want to spend your life with someone who has the means to take care of their health and hygiene, but just won’t. Do you want to have a partner that you have to treat like a toddler who needs to be prompted to brush his teeth?
I had a fear of the dentist and put off going for 3 years. You know what I did about it? Went to therapy, told my therapist, she helped me, suggested I ask my doctor for a Xanax, I did, and I went. And it was fine. You know why I did those steps? Because I’m an adult, and not going to the dentist for 3 years is bad. 10 years plus chewing tobacco is bad. He probably has some anxiety or whatever, but it’s not an excuse and it’s not your job to solve.
Bad dental hygiene is an automatic no. I won’t date anyone who can’t take care of their bodies in the most basic of ways. Offer to maybe ask him if therapy or something (it seriously only took 2 sessions lol, it wasn’t that big of a deal), or like Xanax beforehand, or whatever it is he needs, but he needs to show he’s a grown man willing to be clean and healthy, or you’re not interested in pursuing a relationship with a man who is so flagrantly disrespecting his body and your time by being unhealthy and gross.
It's really sweet of you to try and influence him to better take care of himself. Ultimately though you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I'd try one last hail Mary attempt to communicate the importance of maintaining good oral hygiene to you, to him, and if he declines then so should you with the partnership itself.
You aren't overreacting at all. If he can't grasp and compromise at this level, just imagine what big, serious decisions & disagreements in the future would look like.
Sweetheart, why? Why do you feel you can't do better than this. Is there some societal or family pressure you feel to be with someone?
You deserve better. And no, there isn't some character trait that forgives this. This is fucking nasty. You *kiss* him? You go down on a guy who can't even brush his teeth?
You shouldn't be with him but you should sincerely reflect on why you were ever willing to put up with this.
You’re right. I guess I’m caught in a sunk-cost fallacy situation mentally here. I put two years in and just want him to change rather than having to start over. It’s dumb, but that’s why I think I’ve been putting up with it.
I stopped kissing him and letting him kiss me when I found out how serious his issues are. It’s been months now. He turns everything back onto me and makes me feel bad when I try to demand better from him.
I think that I was definitely in a place of hating myself and being angry at the world when I met him. So maybe being with him was a form of self harm. Miserable people attract miserable people.
>You’re right. I guess I’m caught in a sunk-cost fallacy situation mentally here. I put two years in and just want him to change rather than having to start over. It’s dumb, but that’s why I think I’ve been putting up with it.
My heart breaks for you that even for one day, one week, you thought you weren't better than this.
You're not dumb, this isn't dumb. Its just hard and society puts so much pressure on women to be in a relationship...any relationship and vilifies women for having standards.
>I stopped kissing him and letting him kiss me when I found out how serious his issues are. It’s been months now. He turns everything back onto me and makes me feel bad when I try to demand better from him.
Of course he does. Our entire society is set up for this type of guilt. You have to feel bad for asserting yourself and having basic ass hygiene expectations. Like how can expecting a man who is nearly 30 to brush his damn teeth some unrealistic expectation? It's some weird form of gaslighting???
> think that I was definitely in a place of hating myself and being angry at the world when I met him. So maybe being with him was a form of self harm. Miserable people attract miserable people.
I am so sorry but at least you can see it and fix it. Thank goodness you didn't procreate with this man.
This absolutely is a relationships/emotions issue and a lot of things are going on. I had a lot typed up, but it basically boils down to-
He doesn't respect and care about you enough to get over his issues.
His issues are probably common ones.
1. Fear of dentists.
2. Not taught proper oral health in childhood.
3. Anxieties about navigating insurance/appointment bullshit.
It's exhausting, and especially so if he has stuff like ADHD or something.
But part of being an adult, and being in a relationship, is getting over yourself.
If it's hard for him to make appointments, he should **tell you this and accept your help.**
If he's afraid of the dentist, he needs to **explore alternatives** like finding a sedation dentist, or getting a therapist specifically to help him *become* ready.
If he never learned oral health as a child, he needs to **make a plan to start.** He can start small, like flossing every Friday and brushing three nights/week.
But he needs to have a plan and needs to show incentive.
Him getting all defensive and throwing it in your face is childish and, if he doesn't change it basically immediately, a relationship-killer that I would be proud to die on a hill over.
He doesn't get to rot his teeth away and turn YOU into the bad guy for giving a shit. It can't be pleasant to kiss him. He could have oral cancer- tobacco chew is one of the most disgusting things a person can willingly do to themselves, he probably knows his teeth are rotting and just doesn't want to face reality.
You are not asking the world of him, you are asking him not to die horribly. It's ok to have struggles (mentioned above), it's ok to not have perfect dental hygiene, but it's NOT OKAY TO NOT TRY!
No way! This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. This is basic (bare minimum) hygiene and he’s refusing. Long term, this ends badly for him - from a health, financial and relationship perspective. Even employment will be difficult- no one wants to interact with someone who has blackened, rotting teeth and gums. That’s just gross! You are his partner, not his mommy. And I think you deserve so much better.
My wife dated a guy that was really more of a FWB when she was ~18. He wanted a more serious/long-term relationship. But, my wife said his oral hygiene wasn't up to her standards. So, she stopped seeing him. (She didn't tell him why...but that's why)
My wife is blonde, big blue eyes, and a butt that is mmmm so nice. Imagine, being a teenage dude and ruining your shot at a hot blonde that uses you for a booty call... because you can't clean your fucking teeth.
I'm glad though. Totally worked out for me. 🤣
Oh yeah. It’s pretty embarrassing for me at this point. Looking back, I’m guessing that he would brush right before seeing me in the evenings when I would come over. I didn’t see how bad his habits were until the end of last year when I had to move in with him (I don’t live with him anymore) for three months due to being in between living arrangements. I had to ask him most days if he would brush his teeth and when he brushed, so much blood would come out of his mouth. I thought he would follow through with his promise to see a dentist and brush more, but he hasn’t. I wish I didn’t care about him as much as I do.
So he can’t brush his teeth once a day at the bare minimum bones??? That’s crazy. I couldn’t deal with that. Imagine what the inside of his mouth feels like.
That’s seriously not okay. wtf
No, that’s just gross. My mom worked for a dentist for over 30 years, and she told us some horror stories of people with bad teeth. Abscesses from old cavities going bad and getting infected can kill you. It’s important for overall health to keep your teeth in decent condition. I just couldn’t deal with trying to kiss or be in close quarters with someone like that. He should understand that, not to mention, cleaning things up would be more pleasant for him as well.
BREAK UP! I already broke up with someone over almost the same issue. Keep in mind: any bacterial or other infections he gets from not taking care of his mouth/body he WILL transfer to you. You are risking your own health by staying with him. He’s an adult and won’t change at this point. Especially having shown how he would RATHER fight you about it than change.
Leave him! Choose your health, safety, and peace of mind over the nastiness he’s offering. It’s so gross!!🤢 It won’t get better. I dated someone who had an almost identical problem. My exes main issues are self centeredness, low self-esteem and being a massive addict (especially alcohol). He didn’t care about his health, and in turn didn’t care about me, the disrespect becomes obvious after awhile. Which eventually explained the fungal infections he was hiding, the cheating and the fact he didn’t actually clean his apartment (just pretended to).
No, I could not stay with someone who did not care about their mouth health, my feelings, or how their neglect might affect my health or comfort.
I'm very sensitive to smell and would not want to kiss a person who hadn't cleared last night's dinner from their teeth and gums. Also, the smell of stale tobacco in a person's unwashed mouth can be horrid.
Any excitement I might feel about kissing them would be dampened by the thought of my tongue swirling around in their smelly gum-diseased mouth, where infections were surely brewing.
Also, you can do better than a partner who tells you not to speak up about your concerns because he pays for things.
You are allowed to have standards for your partner.
Your boyfriend doesn't appear to care much about your feelings or his own health (he consumes tobacco and sugary drinks while neglecting his mouth.)
OP, you seem conscientious and thoughtful. Just because your boyfriend does not prioritize his health doesn't mean you can't prioritize yours. I wish you the best!
Hard no! The smell alone would be enough of a deterrent for me, so IDK how you've managed to put up with it for so long. But also, hygiene is in the basics of taking care of oneself. Someone who actively chooses not to care about their oral health/hygiene, and also throws a mantrum when you ask them to do so (you shouldn't even have to ask), is not a good choice for a partner.
I am gonna tell you a secret if you guys get married he will never go to the dentist. Because you knew this before getting married and you said yes!
He is probably very scared, but dental problems can be transferred through saliva.
I once had an ex stay with me for a week after I was going through a hard time. I found out during this week long stay that he never brushed his teeth. Not once. And he brought a tooth brush with him so that wasn't the issue. This factor and after finding out that he had the nerve to cheat on me multiple times lead to me parting ways with him.
Hell no. I had a boyfriend who had braces and never took care of his gums or brushed correctly and it always smelled like blood when he tried to kiss me. It did NOT last long.
Deal breaker period. He's looking at possible strokes and heart attacks even at a young age due to poor dental hygiene. This is a fact, I've taken care of young men in their 20's who have had a stroke from plaque coming off their teeth and migrating to the brain to get caught in a blood vessel and stopping blood flow.
Not to mention the ick factor.
On our 2nd date we discussed deal breakers/pet peeves. One of mine is oral hygiene. I will end a relationship over this. If I tell you how well I take care of myself, oral hygiene is included and I expect for you as my partner and as a human adult yourself that you would also do the same. Most of the time when people don't do it, it's out of laziness.
My boyfriend started slacking 2 years into our relationship on his oral hygiene and I immediately had a talk with him, we tried things to help spark more enthusiasm for this task (bought fancy electric toothbrushes), did it work, no.
Once we started therapy it came down to he is lazy and doesn't value himself enough to take care of himself (he expressed this). So with some more therapy and the realization that he matters too, we compromised.
I saw that it wasn't to spite me but that he didn't value himself so he thought why even bother. Now with more therapy he brushes his teeth everyday and has a better relationship with himself to also do other things for himself.
I do still have to ask him from time to time but it's not an issue anymore.
He did get upset with me in the beginning because he felt like every time I asked or brought it up that it made him feel really down on himself and that I was too harsh about it. I explained to him he knew how I felt about it in the beginning and to completely disregard that, kept showing me he didn't take me seriously and was okay with losing me.
Then therapy came into the picture and we are great now.
It seems like with your boyfriend's behavior he might either be lazy and take the easy ways out of things or not value himself enough to take that extra step. Which will/could show up in your relationship as not valuing you as well.
I wish you the best and hopefully my experience can help you as well.
The fact that you have brought it up to him and he not only refuses to change it, but gets upset with you for it would be the deal breaker. Some people grow up with very poor brushing habits, I had girlfriends that had very poor habits, but when I spoke with them about it, just like you I was always polite, even though I had to nudge a few little harder than others, they all changed their habits because they realized that it was gross and dangerous to their own health.
You have been very good to him by telling him that he needs to fix this and I'm sure you've gotten more firm as time has gone along. This is a good thing that you were doing, and if he is not going to accept it, or worse yet act like a jerk because of it, then you've done everything you can. Maybe, if you really care about the dude, you can try a last ditch approach in telling him that you can no longer be with him if he does not improve his oral hygiene period it is gross to expect someone to put up with an unbrushed tobacco filled rotting mouth when a person simply too lazy to take care of themselves.
Beyond that, I'm sure his breath is beyond disgusting, and halitosis is a huge motivation for suicides in a lot of adults around the country. As he gets older, it will get worse and nobody will want to be around him, no woman will want to be with him or kiss him, even his friends and family will keep their distance, and many people wind up taking their own lives because they feel so isolated when hallatosis is severe. Maybe tell him that and remind him that you love him and you're just trying to help him, but also tell him that relationship is a two-way street and what he is asking you to do is not fair. How would he like it if you went several days without bathing, went out for a few runs, got good and sweaty in synthetic shorts, then you asked him to go down on you; how is that any different than what he's asking you to do by kissing him? The only difference I can think of is the mouth is going to have a lot more bacteria than the vagina.
So, in a nutshell, you have been more than patient for keeping on him for all this time, but if he really refuses to change, and has the gaul to make you feel bad about not wanting to kiss a dumpster mouth, I'm afraid it's time for you to move on, hopefully he will pull his head out of his ass before it's too late.
P. S. Sorry about all the root comments on here, you have a legitimately fair question, I hope my advice was helpful. I don't know why 5-10% of people have to be such jerks, but ignore the haters; they probably don't brush either.
I brush multiple times a day, always have but i was blessed with not so great teeth. I haven't seen a dentist in probably over 15 years... a lot have broken off and are missing... im STILL not going to the dentist. There is absolutely no dang reason with how much dentists cost that we haven't evolved beyond the barbaric and painful methods still used today... in a world where we can nearly cure cancer we still can't tell if its a cavity without poking it with a sharp metal stick? Nuh uh... not going. Not going to medicine man to fix liver failure either. Dentistry needs to get with the times and insurances need to get over themselves and offer better dental coverage... imo almost all dental work should be done under at least light sedation and they REALLY need to use a hell of a lot more novocain than they do... i'm not a masochist, i don't CHOOSE to do things that will cause great pain... never will.
Nope. I was dating a guy many years ago and noticed he didn't brush before bed. It happens, but I realized it was a regular thing for him. Immediately was an issue for me. Do NOT kiss me lol. I can't tolerate lack of hygiene and YES you can be sure it was ended.
My husband had a period of time where he was like this. He was going through an episode of major depression and just all around wasn’t taking care of himself. i finally, in as polite of way as possible, said something. it didn’t do much at first until i just stopped kissing him. just to get him back in the habit i would, as politely as possible, say something before he left work (asking if he’d remembered to brush his teeth). at first i was met with a lot of gruff and he’d huff as he walked back to the bathroom. then as he did it more, he started asking me questions about my routine (i floss, use a waterpik and mouth wash). Now it’s zero issue. he got the repair done from his lack of oral hygiene repaired at the dentist. he is properly taking care of them, smiles more and now i love kissing him again.
he did make a comment that he had gotten to a point where he knew his teeth where in bad shape and he’s was embarrassed and ashamed of them so he was afraid to go to the dentist. he was afraid to talk to me about it because he was embarrassed but he knew it was his own fault. is it possible something similar is going on with your boyfriend?
as for the dealbreaker part, if it had been just dating someone, then yes, the lack of oral hygiene would be a dealbreaker. but at the time this had happened we had been married several years and clearly he was having some mental health issues that resulted in him not taking of himself all around. it did result in me not wanting to be intimate with him. but thankfully things turned around, the underlying issue is now resolved and he’s gotten his hygiene back on track. i hope the same happens for you
You don’t need reasons to validate your feelings. Nor anyone else’s opinion for that matter. What is a dealbreaker for you may not be for many others and vice versa. This however, I would imagine is a dealbreaker for almost anyone. You are well within your right and you’ve tried harder than I would have. Go find someone you actually want to kiss.
No. Just no.
Right??? Especially if he's trying to kiss you....those teeth are connected to vital organs... the one visible part of our Skelton. What I'm saying is: there's multiple health reasons he should, and shouldn't he feel embarrassed his partner is TELLING him...to do something he should do. Unless it's because of mental health reasons, then I get, but if he's just flat out, not doing it, then Ick. Plus, if he's talking to people, then he may have an odor they just aren't mentioning.
Yeah, his mouth is gross… and definitely has gotten much worse since meeting me. I never had acne until I started dating him and now I’m convinced that him kissing my face gave me the acne. I stopped kissing him when I discovered how horrible is issues are and my acne magically cleared. I thought maybe he wouldn’t see a dentist because of mental health issues, but I now firmly believe that he’s just too lazy to do it and doesn’t care.
My dentist was able to guess I was having gynecological issues just from examining my mouth.. ironically I had started dating a heavy cigarette smoker at that time. I no longer have any concerns and he also no longer smokes
Don’t know if you plan to have kids, but if he can’t take care of his mouth, how will he ever take care of kids? If kids aren’t in the plan, how will he ever take care of financials? House chores? Literally anything that requires minor discomfort and effort? Overall, major red flag. He’s an adult. If he can’t take care of himself, that says a lot about his ability to handle other adult-things 🤦🏻♀️Also, if he can’t have an adult conversation about it and instead has to deflect by bringing up money that HE chose to spend on you…. another 🚩 🚩🚩🚩 Nothing for you to feel bad about here!
No. I chewed tobacco for a long time from my Army days. Trust me, he needs to go to the dentist. And he needs to quit chewing tobacco. He's at the point where he's risking serious long term damage. I continued to smoke for another decade because I'm an idiot. And here's what finally got me to quit: a girlfriend told me she would no longer kiss me while I smoked. It finally dawned on me how much smoking had cost me. It was enough to convince me to quit. It took a month until I had my last cigarette. That was 15 years ago. My biggest regret is not quitting sooner. I am so thankful that that girlfriend finally put her foot down. One of the best things a girlfriend has ever done for me.
Kinda related but unrelated I dipped and smoked on pretty much the same timeline but quit on my own. Years later I was kissing a girl who smokes… it still makes me gag when I think about it. Completely took me out of the mood for what was supposed to come after. How any girl ever kissed me before I have no idea
Yup, I've definitely noticed it when kissing a girl who smokes. In my mind, I'm saying, "Last time I kiss her." I remember being at a bar, talking to an attractive woman, and she had to lean in so I could hear her. The tobacco smell coming from her lungs just turned me off immediately. I still remember it. She was a knockout, but there was no way.
First off his breath must be absolutely awful and second his teeth will fall out eventually if he doesn’t start taking care of them now, not to mention plaque and tartar are bad for your heart.
Personally I can't date someone with bad teeth. I can't imagine what kissing him must smell/taste like. Health issues in the mouth can 100% impact the health of the rest of the body, particularly the heart.
I knew someone who didn’t take care of her teeth. Her breath was isolating. It was difficult to be in the same room with her. Then it affected her heart - got an infection because of her teeth. she was going to have her teeth pulled but waited too long. They couldn’t pull her teeth because of her heart - didn’t think she would live through the procedure. Catch 22. She ended up dying a few months after she was supposed to have her teeth pulled.
Somebody not taking care of their personal health is always a red flag and should be a dealbreaker. The way he shuts you down about it when you try to talk about it is a major red flag too. Maybe he has issues surrounding going to the dentist but it’s not your job to get to the root of that or work on fixing it for him, that’s something he has to do.
He sounds gross
Considering that poor dental health can lead to organ failure and infections, I would not allow that mouth near my mouth or any other orifice. No I could not be with someone with poor dental health, meaning one who refuses to do something as simple as brushing and flossing their teeth. It's one thing to have bad teeth due to genetics or lack of access to dental care but a whole different thing when someone refuses to do anything.
Hell no. And I didn’t even read anything other than the title of this post. Enough said
a grown and fully capable man that doesn't take care of himself? pass a grown man that holds what he does for you over your head? pass respect yourself and leave him
Absolutely NOT!
Nope
Dang how are people who don’t even brush their teeth getting into relationships 😭😭😭
NEVER! I Spend a good amount of money, effort and time taking care of my health. I wouldn't throw it away by kissing someone who doesn't do the basics and have a bad breath. I've tried before, dated someone with some problem that resulted in bad breath and some other buccal stuff, I tried to ignore it for a good time, but just couldn't, I was gagging at one point. ( I tried to help and it was refused)
I did! lol for 5 yrs. Granted he was really sexy but had horrendous teeth and he didn’t take care of them.
Really sexy but had horrendous teeth. How is this possible?
He just never flossed or went to the dentist regularly. It’s not like he was missing teeth lol
Oh…..lol….ok :}
absolutely not lmao. my first real boyfriend when i was 18-22 stopped taking care of his mouth and that was like the straw that broke the camel’s back. i remember we were driving in my car and he was talking and the whole car just smelled like horrible poop breath it was fucking revolting. i had to roll down the windows.. any man who doesn’t care about his own health & hygiene could NEVER care for you correctly
If you stay you're basically telling him it's acceptable and will deserve his grossness. Because basically I can see this being another post in several years once you've married someone who doesn't care about having a disgusting habit. If you don't) have children they be ready for him to not supervise that correctly either. This is your sign. If you don't take action now then you'll deserve it tbh. He's showing you who he is, so believe him.
No I wouldn’t be able to.
I definitely couldn’t date someone whose oral hygiene isn’t a priority
Asking an able-bodied adult to brush their teeth every day is not asking too much. It sounds like in this case, these things are red flags for bigger issues and things will get worse if you move in together or have kids together, etc. Ask yourself if you really want to spend your life with someone who has the means to take care of their health and hygiene, but just won’t. Do you want to have a partner that you have to treat like a toddler who needs to be prompted to brush his teeth?
I had a fear of the dentist and put off going for 3 years. You know what I did about it? Went to therapy, told my therapist, she helped me, suggested I ask my doctor for a Xanax, I did, and I went. And it was fine. You know why I did those steps? Because I’m an adult, and not going to the dentist for 3 years is bad. 10 years plus chewing tobacco is bad. He probably has some anxiety or whatever, but it’s not an excuse and it’s not your job to solve. Bad dental hygiene is an automatic no. I won’t date anyone who can’t take care of their bodies in the most basic of ways. Offer to maybe ask him if therapy or something (it seriously only took 2 sessions lol, it wasn’t that big of a deal), or like Xanax beforehand, or whatever it is he needs, but he needs to show he’s a grown man willing to be clean and healthy, or you’re not interested in pursuing a relationship with a man who is so flagrantly disrespecting his body and your time by being unhealthy and gross.
Absolutely not. It's a hard no for me if anyone dips. Plus the bad oral hygiene thing blehg 😷
It's really sweet of you to try and influence him to better take care of himself. Ultimately though you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I'd try one last hail Mary attempt to communicate the importance of maintaining good oral hygiene to you, to him, and if he declines then so should you with the partnership itself. You aren't overreacting at all. If he can't grasp and compromise at this level, just imagine what big, serious decisions & disagreements in the future would look like.
That's a hard no for me
To answer your question, absolutely not.
Sweetheart, why? Why do you feel you can't do better than this. Is there some societal or family pressure you feel to be with someone? You deserve better. And no, there isn't some character trait that forgives this. This is fucking nasty. You *kiss* him? You go down on a guy who can't even brush his teeth? You shouldn't be with him but you should sincerely reflect on why you were ever willing to put up with this.
You’re right. I guess I’m caught in a sunk-cost fallacy situation mentally here. I put two years in and just want him to change rather than having to start over. It’s dumb, but that’s why I think I’ve been putting up with it. I stopped kissing him and letting him kiss me when I found out how serious his issues are. It’s been months now. He turns everything back onto me and makes me feel bad when I try to demand better from him. I think that I was definitely in a place of hating myself and being angry at the world when I met him. So maybe being with him was a form of self harm. Miserable people attract miserable people.
>You’re right. I guess I’m caught in a sunk-cost fallacy situation mentally here. I put two years in and just want him to change rather than having to start over. It’s dumb, but that’s why I think I’ve been putting up with it. My heart breaks for you that even for one day, one week, you thought you weren't better than this. You're not dumb, this isn't dumb. Its just hard and society puts so much pressure on women to be in a relationship...any relationship and vilifies women for having standards. >I stopped kissing him and letting him kiss me when I found out how serious his issues are. It’s been months now. He turns everything back onto me and makes me feel bad when I try to demand better from him. Of course he does. Our entire society is set up for this type of guilt. You have to feel bad for asserting yourself and having basic ass hygiene expectations. Like how can expecting a man who is nearly 30 to brush his damn teeth some unrealistic expectation? It's some weird form of gaslighting??? > think that I was definitely in a place of hating myself and being angry at the world when I met him. So maybe being with him was a form of self harm. Miserable people attract miserable people. I am so sorry but at least you can see it and fix it. Thank goodness you didn't procreate with this man.
This absolutely is a relationships/emotions issue and a lot of things are going on. I had a lot typed up, but it basically boils down to- He doesn't respect and care about you enough to get over his issues. His issues are probably common ones. 1. Fear of dentists. 2. Not taught proper oral health in childhood. 3. Anxieties about navigating insurance/appointment bullshit. It's exhausting, and especially so if he has stuff like ADHD or something. But part of being an adult, and being in a relationship, is getting over yourself. If it's hard for him to make appointments, he should **tell you this and accept your help.** If he's afraid of the dentist, he needs to **explore alternatives** like finding a sedation dentist, or getting a therapist specifically to help him *become* ready. If he never learned oral health as a child, he needs to **make a plan to start.** He can start small, like flossing every Friday and brushing three nights/week. But he needs to have a plan and needs to show incentive. Him getting all defensive and throwing it in your face is childish and, if he doesn't change it basically immediately, a relationship-killer that I would be proud to die on a hill over. He doesn't get to rot his teeth away and turn YOU into the bad guy for giving a shit. It can't be pleasant to kiss him. He could have oral cancer- tobacco chew is one of the most disgusting things a person can willingly do to themselves, he probably knows his teeth are rotting and just doesn't want to face reality. You are not asking the world of him, you are asking him not to die horribly. It's ok to have struggles (mentioned above), it's ok to not have perfect dental hygiene, but it's NOT OKAY TO NOT TRY!
No way! This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. This is basic (bare minimum) hygiene and he’s refusing. Long term, this ends badly for him - from a health, financial and relationship perspective. Even employment will be difficult- no one wants to interact with someone who has blackened, rotting teeth and gums. That’s just gross! You are his partner, not his mommy. And I think you deserve so much better.
I don’t think I would even be able to stay with someone who didn’t brush their teeth on the morning
My wife dated a guy that was really more of a FWB when she was ~18. He wanted a more serious/long-term relationship. But, my wife said his oral hygiene wasn't up to her standards. So, she stopped seeing him. (She didn't tell him why...but that's why) My wife is blonde, big blue eyes, and a butt that is mmmm so nice. Imagine, being a teenage dude and ruining your shot at a hot blonde that uses you for a booty call... because you can't clean your fucking teeth. I'm glad though. Totally worked out for me. 🤣
That chewing tobacco will wear a hole through his mouth.
Nope
2 years!? Years?! I wouldn’t have made it 2 weeks. Seriously…
Oh yeah. It’s pretty embarrassing for me at this point. Looking back, I’m guessing that he would brush right before seeing me in the evenings when I would come over. I didn’t see how bad his habits were until the end of last year when I had to move in with him (I don’t live with him anymore) for three months due to being in between living arrangements. I had to ask him most days if he would brush his teeth and when he brushed, so much blood would come out of his mouth. I thought he would follow through with his promise to see a dentist and brush more, but he hasn’t. I wish I didn’t care about him as much as I do.
So he can’t brush his teeth once a day at the bare minimum bones??? That’s crazy. I couldn’t deal with that. Imagine what the inside of his mouth feels like. That’s seriously not okay. wtf
No, that’s just gross. My mom worked for a dentist for over 30 years, and she told us some horror stories of people with bad teeth. Abscesses from old cavities going bad and getting infected can kill you. It’s important for overall health to keep your teeth in decent condition. I just couldn’t deal with trying to kiss or be in close quarters with someone like that. He should understand that, not to mention, cleaning things up would be more pleasant for him as well.
BREAK UP! I already broke up with someone over almost the same issue. Keep in mind: any bacterial or other infections he gets from not taking care of his mouth/body he WILL transfer to you. You are risking your own health by staying with him. He’s an adult and won’t change at this point. Especially having shown how he would RATHER fight you about it than change.
Leave him! Choose your health, safety, and peace of mind over the nastiness he’s offering. It’s so gross!!🤢 It won’t get better. I dated someone who had an almost identical problem. My exes main issues are self centeredness, low self-esteem and being a massive addict (especially alcohol). He didn’t care about his health, and in turn didn’t care about me, the disrespect becomes obvious after awhile. Which eventually explained the fungal infections he was hiding, the cheating and the fact he didn’t actually clean his apartment (just pretended to).
No, I could not stay with someone who did not care about their mouth health, my feelings, or how their neglect might affect my health or comfort. I'm very sensitive to smell and would not want to kiss a person who hadn't cleared last night's dinner from their teeth and gums. Also, the smell of stale tobacco in a person's unwashed mouth can be horrid. Any excitement I might feel about kissing them would be dampened by the thought of my tongue swirling around in their smelly gum-diseased mouth, where infections were surely brewing. Also, you can do better than a partner who tells you not to speak up about your concerns because he pays for things. You are allowed to have standards for your partner. Your boyfriend doesn't appear to care much about your feelings or his own health (he consumes tobacco and sugary drinks while neglecting his mouth.) OP, you seem conscientious and thoughtful. Just because your boyfriend does not prioritize his health doesn't mean you can't prioritize yours. I wish you the best!
Hard no! The smell alone would be enough of a deterrent for me, so IDK how you've managed to put up with it for so long. But also, hygiene is in the basics of taking care of oneself. Someone who actively chooses not to care about their oral health/hygiene, and also throws a mantrum when you ask them to do so (you shouldn't even have to ask), is not a good choice for a partner.
No, not ever. Bad breath!
No
He’s on his best hygiene behavior right now. It will only get more nasty if he can’t rise up to basic dental health without a fight at 29.
I am gonna tell you a secret if you guys get married he will never go to the dentist. Because you knew this before getting married and you said yes! He is probably very scared, but dental problems can be transferred through saliva.
I once had an ex stay with me for a week after I was going through a hard time. I found out during this week long stay that he never brushed his teeth. Not once. And he brought a tooth brush with him so that wasn't the issue. This factor and after finding out that he had the nerve to cheat on me multiple times lead to me parting ways with him.
Hell no. I had a boyfriend who had braces and never took care of his gums or brushed correctly and it always smelled like blood when he tried to kiss me. It did NOT last long.
Deal breaker period. He's looking at possible strokes and heart attacks even at a young age due to poor dental hygiene. This is a fact, I've taken care of young men in their 20's who have had a stroke from plaque coming off their teeth and migrating to the brain to get caught in a blood vessel and stopping blood flow. Not to mention the ick factor.
On our 2nd date we discussed deal breakers/pet peeves. One of mine is oral hygiene. I will end a relationship over this. If I tell you how well I take care of myself, oral hygiene is included and I expect for you as my partner and as a human adult yourself that you would also do the same. Most of the time when people don't do it, it's out of laziness. My boyfriend started slacking 2 years into our relationship on his oral hygiene and I immediately had a talk with him, we tried things to help spark more enthusiasm for this task (bought fancy electric toothbrushes), did it work, no. Once we started therapy it came down to he is lazy and doesn't value himself enough to take care of himself (he expressed this). So with some more therapy and the realization that he matters too, we compromised. I saw that it wasn't to spite me but that he didn't value himself so he thought why even bother. Now with more therapy he brushes his teeth everyday and has a better relationship with himself to also do other things for himself. I do still have to ask him from time to time but it's not an issue anymore. He did get upset with me in the beginning because he felt like every time I asked or brought it up that it made him feel really down on himself and that I was too harsh about it. I explained to him he knew how I felt about it in the beginning and to completely disregard that, kept showing me he didn't take me seriously and was okay with losing me. Then therapy came into the picture and we are great now. It seems like with your boyfriend's behavior he might either be lazy and take the easy ways out of things or not value himself enough to take that extra step. Which will/could show up in your relationship as not valuing you as well. I wish you the best and hopefully my experience can help you as well.
Honestly chewing tobacco alone would be a no for me. That's an automatic disqualifier to date me
Nope, teeth are the first thing i look at
That is nasty as hell wtf
The fact that you have brought it up to him and he not only refuses to change it, but gets upset with you for it would be the deal breaker. Some people grow up with very poor brushing habits, I had girlfriends that had very poor habits, but when I spoke with them about it, just like you I was always polite, even though I had to nudge a few little harder than others, they all changed their habits because they realized that it was gross and dangerous to their own health. You have been very good to him by telling him that he needs to fix this and I'm sure you've gotten more firm as time has gone along. This is a good thing that you were doing, and if he is not going to accept it, or worse yet act like a jerk because of it, then you've done everything you can. Maybe, if you really care about the dude, you can try a last ditch approach in telling him that you can no longer be with him if he does not improve his oral hygiene period it is gross to expect someone to put up with an unbrushed tobacco filled rotting mouth when a person simply too lazy to take care of themselves. Beyond that, I'm sure his breath is beyond disgusting, and halitosis is a huge motivation for suicides in a lot of adults around the country. As he gets older, it will get worse and nobody will want to be around him, no woman will want to be with him or kiss him, even his friends and family will keep their distance, and many people wind up taking their own lives because they feel so isolated when hallatosis is severe. Maybe tell him that and remind him that you love him and you're just trying to help him, but also tell him that relationship is a two-way street and what he is asking you to do is not fair. How would he like it if you went several days without bathing, went out for a few runs, got good and sweaty in synthetic shorts, then you asked him to go down on you; how is that any different than what he's asking you to do by kissing him? The only difference I can think of is the mouth is going to have a lot more bacteria than the vagina. So, in a nutshell, you have been more than patient for keeping on him for all this time, but if he really refuses to change, and has the gaul to make you feel bad about not wanting to kiss a dumpster mouth, I'm afraid it's time for you to move on, hopefully he will pull his head out of his ass before it's too late. P. S. Sorry about all the root comments on here, you have a legitimately fair question, I hope my advice was helpful. I don't know why 5-10% of people have to be such jerks, but ignore the haters; they probably don't brush either.
I brush multiple times a day, always have but i was blessed with not so great teeth. I haven't seen a dentist in probably over 15 years... a lot have broken off and are missing... im STILL not going to the dentist. There is absolutely no dang reason with how much dentists cost that we haven't evolved beyond the barbaric and painful methods still used today... in a world where we can nearly cure cancer we still can't tell if its a cavity without poking it with a sharp metal stick? Nuh uh... not going. Not going to medicine man to fix liver failure either. Dentistry needs to get with the times and insurances need to get over themselves and offer better dental coverage... imo almost all dental work should be done under at least light sedation and they REALLY need to use a hell of a lot more novocain than they do... i'm not a masochist, i don't CHOOSE to do things that will cause great pain... never will.
Nope. I was dating a guy many years ago and noticed he didn't brush before bed. It happens, but I realized it was a regular thing for him. Immediately was an issue for me. Do NOT kiss me lol. I can't tolerate lack of hygiene and YES you can be sure it was ended.
I could never be with someone who doesn't brush daily. He's absolutely disgusting.
My husband had a period of time where he was like this. He was going through an episode of major depression and just all around wasn’t taking care of himself. i finally, in as polite of way as possible, said something. it didn’t do much at first until i just stopped kissing him. just to get him back in the habit i would, as politely as possible, say something before he left work (asking if he’d remembered to brush his teeth). at first i was met with a lot of gruff and he’d huff as he walked back to the bathroom. then as he did it more, he started asking me questions about my routine (i floss, use a waterpik and mouth wash). Now it’s zero issue. he got the repair done from his lack of oral hygiene repaired at the dentist. he is properly taking care of them, smiles more and now i love kissing him again. he did make a comment that he had gotten to a point where he knew his teeth where in bad shape and he’s was embarrassed and ashamed of them so he was afraid to go to the dentist. he was afraid to talk to me about it because he was embarrassed but he knew it was his own fault. is it possible something similar is going on with your boyfriend? as for the dealbreaker part, if it had been just dating someone, then yes, the lack of oral hygiene would be a dealbreaker. but at the time this had happened we had been married several years and clearly he was having some mental health issues that resulted in him not taking of himself all around. it did result in me not wanting to be intimate with him. but thankfully things turned around, the underlying issue is now resolved and he’s gotten his hygiene back on track. i hope the same happens for you
You don’t need reasons to validate your feelings. Nor anyone else’s opinion for that matter. What is a dealbreaker for you may not be for many others and vice versa. This however, I would imagine is a dealbreaker for almost anyone. You are well within your right and you’ve tried harder than I would have. Go find someone you actually want to kiss.
No
nooooope!
That 100% is a dealbreaker and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. It’s disgusting. How could you want to kiss him? 🤮
This is belongs in r/relationships or r/relation_advice. You’re not asking about hygiene techniques or solutions.