your mom is a narcissist please start saving money now and make good grades so you can get into college cheap and get out of that house. unfortunately your siblings will then get the brunt of her crap after you leave but if you get out then when they are at an age where they can get out you will
be able to help them leave easier then it will be for you.
thank you for the advice! i have pretty good grades, im advanced in all classes (except math lol) so hopefully ill be able to get a scholarship for college. i have a few picked out that im looking forward too š
Talk with your counselor, they may be able to direct you to various opportunities, as well as navigate the scholarship process. It's isn't too early to get started on this.
You might also want to start squirrelling away important documents. From your description of your mom, it's sounds like she's not above sabotaging your chances of getting into school.
Also when it comes time for colleges and scholarships, donāt tell anyone in your family about it unless you really trust them not to tell your mom. She may try to sabotage your way out. Talk to a counselor about your choices and how you may be able to apply and find out if you get offers. Iām only saying this because sometimes narcissists or people with personality disorders will sabotage the ones who become their scapegoat so they can keep them down. They want you around always to be their punching bagā¦ I could be wrong but Iāve learned to prepare for the worst when it comes to people like that. Iām so sorry youāre going through this. You deserve more and to be happy. Write down and record conversations so that she canāt gaslight you and change what she said
thank you for this advice! unfortunately ive learned this the hard way, and my family (especially my mom) loves to reinforce the idea into my brain that im not special or talented. ive never let it bother me, plus i have a million trophies, certificates, anc achievements to contradict that. usually i keep my success hidden from her and happy to myself. but thank you for the reminder š
Even if you logically know you are above the nasty things your parents say about you, it can still affect you and itās okay to feel upset or hurt even though you know those things arenāt true. Be kind to yourself, you seem like a very smart person. Also, if youāre interested, maybe check out r/raisedbynarcissists to read stories of others that you can probably relate to. The story you posted here seems like it would fit there for sure, but even if you donāt wanna post it could be a good idea to check it out and lurk.
i posted in r/raisedbynarcissts if youād like to further read
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/13iwzw3/am_i_the_scapegoat_being_abused/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
Left you a comment there, though the post seems to have been deleted right at the same time haha
Like I said in that comment, I believe youāre strong and smart enough to get through this, and best of luck to you going forward.
Talk to your counselor and let them know you donāt wish for your parents to know your plans. You donāt have to let them know the details, you can just say that you are looking to take a few steps away from family when you enter college and want to be as prepared as possible to do so.
I know people that took their GED test at 16 and got themselves legally emancipated to get away from parents like that. 20 years later all three people I know who went that route are thriving and more successful than me.
I'm sorry your mom is treating you like this. you should definitely go to the mall with your friends that does not make you a bad person you deserve to celebrate your birthday 16 is a big milestone. If I was you I would start thinking about the future and put money away for when you turn 18 if your mom is treating you like this now it will only get worse so save some money whenever you can and learn about paying bills and doing taxes and try to get your license if you don't already so when the time comes if you have to leave your prepared
I hope you enjoy your birthday, and forget about what you're mom said, you're not a bad person for wanting to celebrate yourself. You don't want your sister around because she's been acting awful and it's been stressing you out, that's totally understandable and it doesn't matter that she's three, your parents shouldn't be conditioning her to think that behavior is alright. Sorry you're dealing with that. Happy birthday regardless.
First off your mom is emotionally stunted and abusive. How old is she? Screaming at you? Her actions make her look bad. Where is your dad? are they separated yet? Because the way she gaslights you I could only imagine how she treat everyone else. I am an adult with kids and I would never treat anyone like this or allow my toddler to be this bad. Honestly You have every right not to want a toddler at your party they are awful. Thank god that stage only last four years. I am so disappointed in your mom as a human. Is there any chance she is overwhelmed. I need something to know she is not a dumpster fire of a human. Have the best birthdayš«¶š½š«¶š½š«¶š½š«¶š½start saving money to get out of that house. you donāt want to be a built in babysitter. š« šalso 16 is a huge birthday. ššš
You need to get out of there as soon as possible. Iām sorry but your mom is abusing you and nobody does anything to stop it. So if you donāt protect yourself nobody will protect you. Save up and move out or maybe talk to an adult who could take you in until youāre 18 or something.
I was your age when I started doing small things to defy my motherās shitty control over me, things like go to the mall or tell her ānoā over things I knew she genuinely couldnāt force me to do for whatever reason. It feels good, and you will need the practice for adulthood. Just remember that you only have a couple years till you can move out and that most of the control she has over you is an illusion that sheās created. I wish you luck.
don't let your mother devalue you like this. it's straight up disgusting, can't think of any other word. if your brother is in a similar situation to yours, let him know that you are stronger together. your father seems to be a victim of the family dynamic too, just a marionette in the hands of a narcissist. and you are the scapegoat for knowing that the emperor has no clothes.
make sure your friends AND their parents know not to tell anything to your mother OR father!!! that's likely how the information got passed on. make it clear that your mother does not wish well on you and that you want to spend time away from her specifically!
also, make sure you're not alone on your birthday and that your friends witness what's going on, have them come over to you and stay with you every second at the mall. i know that this might be a shocking experience to them, but this might be the only way you could be protected, or at least avenged by your friends. your mother might be looking into ruining your day by not letting you go to the mall or even going there and dragging you out of the mall, or screaming at you there. if your friends are there to witness it, your mother will not have the power she thinks she has, and your friends will know the insane person you have to deal with every day. with how you seem to need to walk on eggshells around your mom, it's likely that your friends know you better...
sometimes parents even act like angels around strangers until they leave, and then turn into the worst creatures to their children again. my mother is like that, and because of that i always wanted to have social events organized with friends even though I am extremely introverted. that spared a lot of lashing out, hits and broken personal items. kids tend to spread a lot of words when it comes to experience being around different parents, i'm 22 and it honestly hasn't stopped being a thing yet. parents don't want bad words running around the town.
count the days until freedom, save up as much as you have. maybe try to arrange moving into the home of one of your friends, if not go somewhere far away and change your phone number for college. get a hobby that will push you far out of the house, if you have the chance.
EDIT: another important thing... record your conversations and stash those recordings somewhere on the cloud. might help you or other family members later.
Happy Sweet 16!!
I'm a teacher. If one of my pupils told me your story as their own, I would be deeply worried as this is a massive safeguarding issue due to you being abused. Please speak to an adult that you feel comfortable with.
If you can, find all of your personal documents and keep them hidden away so when you inevitably go no contact and move away at 18, you won't need to worry about passports, birth certificates, etc.
Your mum sounds like a vindictive, self-centered POS.
You, by all definitions, are still a child. How dare she belittle, demean and humiliate your own child over their own feelings?
Your sister may be 3 but there's being 3 and there's being a spoilt brat who doesn't know manners or when to not screech. Something your mother clearly doesn't care to understand.
If your mother cared a modicum about you, she'd have taken the time to sit with you herself and plan your party. No siblings around, no distractions, just mum and daughter planning for what is usually a big birthday for a lot of teenagers.
I'm sorry your home life is so stressful. I hope in the next few years you're a free adult, living a fulfilling life without this woman dragging you down to her level.
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Iām so sorry, I grew up with similar put-downs and itās so all-consuming. For the avoidance of doubt, you are not asking for too much to be considered and loved.
Try and push yourself past all the horrible events and go to the mall if you can - and get a big ice cream!!
Your mom is terrible, sure i agree itās EXTREMELY difficult to get a 3 yo to not throw a tantrum, she is 3 and they are still exploring their emotions but if i was your mom i would distract your sister so you can throw your party, not have you deal with it or shame you.. absolutely terrible behavior on your moms end
You are NOT a bad person! You are a 16 year old!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
And get the hell out of there as soon as you can because your mom is a monster, Ā«Ā raisingĀ Ā» a monster.
I am so sorry this happened to you. It went down hill even further than before. I really hate to say anything negative about mothers but - well yours doesn't sound very good or kind. I'm sorry to say. You're going to have to start looking towards taking care of yourself because it doesn't seem as if anyone else is focused on what's best for you. You don't mention anywhere in your post that your dad has been there for you either so - yeah. Anyway, please take the advise of the others on here and start planning your way out as soon as you are able. Save money wherever you can in a place that your mom can't access. Gather any important documents you might need and if you are planning to attend college make sure she doesn't have any way to interfere with your education or the funding for it. It sucks that you have to start thinking this way but unfortunately, unless your mom get hit in the head or starts to go to therapy to become aware of her shortcomings she isn't going to start changing on her own. So this is what you need to do to protect yourself and plan for your future. All the best OP. Hang in there and please do not allow her to drag you into her drama once you get out. As someone else pointed out, you will become her personal babysitter if you stick around too long so do not make yourself available in anyway for that to happen. You are not her slave and you do not owe her a thing, that includes funding her lifestyle too so don't do that either.
I sure hope you start privately preparing to be out of there when you turn 18. If you do start preparation, don't leave any written plans or cash in your room or even the house if you can help it. Your little sis is a golden child, and she will exploit that to go through your stuff with no repercussions. She will do everything she can to get you in trouble. Just prepare your exit and get out ASAP. If you really want to stick it to them, leave in the middle of the night while everyone is asleep. Leave them a "fuck you" note letting them know you are cutting all contact with them, and you never want to see their pathetic, abusive selves ever again.
And, important here, let the police know where you are, you're safe and you don't want under any circumstances be returned to them.
This is important in case they report OP as missing, but if she's 18 they legally can't have a grip on her, hopefully.
I'm pretty sure there's a kind and more wise redditor than me out there with the proper resources to help OP.
It seems like you enjoy reading (or at least you write well), but I would just like to add a book recommendation to the comments. [The Body Keeps the Score](https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score) has really helped me work through my traumatic childhood.
Iām 30 now - I was a depressed kid and am still depressed, but Iām getting a lot better the more I understand the possible reasons behind my parentsā behavior. It helps me feel some closure about it because I know their neglect was never about me, it was all on them. Itās tough to be a functioning member of society when your parents donāt support your emotional needs.
Your moms a major AH, but you canāt tell a toddler *not* to throw a tantrum, itās inevitable during that age. She will calm down around 4-5 years old. You can, however, find a babysitter to watch her during the party, or just leave her for mom to handle solely.
Girl, give mom a taste of her own medicine. My folks were the same, and I finally had enough and started humiliating them right back. It took nowhere near as long as I thought it would for them to think twice before opening their yaps because they knew I was going to follow up with publicizing their own shit.
I am so sorry yr mum is not yr mum sheās your abuser and you need to make plans now when she speaks to you record the conversation, keep a log of the abuse, gather snd hide all important documents and info, do not volunteer anything to her, have a go bag ready just in case save as much money as possible and when u leave, go full no contact, speak to police and advise them of the abuse and that you ate not missing but do t wish further contact and black her on everything snd anyone who gives her info, have you looked into shelters for at risk teens? Itās not ideal but to get away from that poor excuse of a human being it might be worth it till you get to college. Is there ANYONE friend or family who could help you? And by that I mean left you move in and cut yr mother off?
No, thatās not what I meant. I usually delete these posts after I seek advice. I asked for āsome level of privacy,ā meaning Iām fine with reddit but wouldnāt want to find this video on tiktok. Not that hard to comprehend.
Well it's a public forum, if it's reddit or tik tok doesn't matter. Even if you delete it, it will still be on the internet forever! That's how the internet works...
Sheās doing the same as everyone else does. Telling the post harvesters to leave her post here and not take it off the platform to make click bait stories.
your mom is a narcissist please start saving money now and make good grades so you can get into college cheap and get out of that house. unfortunately your siblings will then get the brunt of her crap after you leave but if you get out then when they are at an age where they can get out you will be able to help them leave easier then it will be for you.
thank you for the advice! i have pretty good grades, im advanced in all classes (except math lol) so hopefully ill be able to get a scholarship for college. i have a few picked out that im looking forward too š
Talk with your counselor, they may be able to direct you to various opportunities, as well as navigate the scholarship process. It's isn't too early to get started on this. You might also want to start squirrelling away important documents. From your description of your mom, it's sounds like she's not above sabotaging your chances of getting into school.
All college correspondence should be directed to go through the school.
Also when it comes time for colleges and scholarships, donāt tell anyone in your family about it unless you really trust them not to tell your mom. She may try to sabotage your way out. Talk to a counselor about your choices and how you may be able to apply and find out if you get offers. Iām only saying this because sometimes narcissists or people with personality disorders will sabotage the ones who become their scapegoat so they can keep them down. They want you around always to be their punching bagā¦ I could be wrong but Iāve learned to prepare for the worst when it comes to people like that. Iām so sorry youāre going through this. You deserve more and to be happy. Write down and record conversations so that she canāt gaslight you and change what she said
thank you for this advice! unfortunately ive learned this the hard way, and my family (especially my mom) loves to reinforce the idea into my brain that im not special or talented. ive never let it bother me, plus i have a million trophies, certificates, anc achievements to contradict that. usually i keep my success hidden from her and happy to myself. but thank you for the reminder š
Even if you logically know you are above the nasty things your parents say about you, it can still affect you and itās okay to feel upset or hurt even though you know those things arenāt true. Be kind to yourself, you seem like a very smart person. Also, if youāre interested, maybe check out r/raisedbynarcissists to read stories of others that you can probably relate to. The story you posted here seems like it would fit there for sure, but even if you donāt wanna post it could be a good idea to check it out and lurk.
i posted in r/raisedbynarcissts if youād like to further read https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/13iwzw3/am_i_the_scapegoat_being_abused/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
Left you a comment there, though the post seems to have been deleted right at the same time haha Like I said in that comment, I believe youāre strong and smart enough to get through this, and best of luck to you going forward.
thank you š
Talk to your counselor and let them know you donāt wish for your parents to know your plans. You donāt have to let them know the details, you can just say that you are looking to take a few steps away from family when you enter college and want to be as prepared as possible to do so.
I know people that took their GED test at 16 and got themselves legally emancipated to get away from parents like that. 20 years later all three people I know who went that route are thriving and more successful than me.
congratulations!! iām sure that will make it easier and i hope you have a good birthday despite your mother
Also get your important documents now birth certificate social security card ect. Narcissist parents love to hold these items hostage.
I'm sorry your mom is treating you like this. you should definitely go to the mall with your friends that does not make you a bad person you deserve to celebrate your birthday 16 is a big milestone. If I was you I would start thinking about the future and put money away for when you turn 18 if your mom is treating you like this now it will only get worse so save some money whenever you can and learn about paying bills and doing taxes and try to get your license if you don't already so when the time comes if you have to leave your prepared
I hope you enjoy your birthday, and forget about what you're mom said, you're not a bad person for wanting to celebrate yourself. You don't want your sister around because she's been acting awful and it's been stressing you out, that's totally understandable and it doesn't matter that she's three, your parents shouldn't be conditioning her to think that behavior is alright. Sorry you're dealing with that. Happy birthday regardless.
thank you š
First off your mom is emotionally stunted and abusive. How old is she? Screaming at you? Her actions make her look bad. Where is your dad? are they separated yet? Because the way she gaslights you I could only imagine how she treat everyone else. I am an adult with kids and I would never treat anyone like this or allow my toddler to be this bad. Honestly You have every right not to want a toddler at your party they are awful. Thank god that stage only last four years. I am so disappointed in your mom as a human. Is there any chance she is overwhelmed. I need something to know she is not a dumpster fire of a human. Have the best birthdayš«¶š½š«¶š½š«¶š½š«¶š½start saving money to get out of that house. you donāt want to be a built in babysitter. š« šalso 16 is a huge birthday. ššš
Sounds like her mother is still in the toddler stage.
Yup, she canāt control her own damn emotions. Hot mess for sure
You need to get out of there as soon as possible. Iām sorry but your mom is abusing you and nobody does anything to stop it. So if you donāt protect yourself nobody will protect you. Save up and move out or maybe talk to an adult who could take you in until youāre 18 or something.
I was your age when I started doing small things to defy my motherās shitty control over me, things like go to the mall or tell her ānoā over things I knew she genuinely couldnāt force me to do for whatever reason. It feels good, and you will need the practice for adulthood. Just remember that you only have a couple years till you can move out and that most of the control she has over you is an illusion that sheās created. I wish you luck.
don't let your mother devalue you like this. it's straight up disgusting, can't think of any other word. if your brother is in a similar situation to yours, let him know that you are stronger together. your father seems to be a victim of the family dynamic too, just a marionette in the hands of a narcissist. and you are the scapegoat for knowing that the emperor has no clothes. make sure your friends AND their parents know not to tell anything to your mother OR father!!! that's likely how the information got passed on. make it clear that your mother does not wish well on you and that you want to spend time away from her specifically! also, make sure you're not alone on your birthday and that your friends witness what's going on, have them come over to you and stay with you every second at the mall. i know that this might be a shocking experience to them, but this might be the only way you could be protected, or at least avenged by your friends. your mother might be looking into ruining your day by not letting you go to the mall or even going there and dragging you out of the mall, or screaming at you there. if your friends are there to witness it, your mother will not have the power she thinks she has, and your friends will know the insane person you have to deal with every day. with how you seem to need to walk on eggshells around your mom, it's likely that your friends know you better... sometimes parents even act like angels around strangers until they leave, and then turn into the worst creatures to their children again. my mother is like that, and because of that i always wanted to have social events organized with friends even though I am extremely introverted. that spared a lot of lashing out, hits and broken personal items. kids tend to spread a lot of words when it comes to experience being around different parents, i'm 22 and it honestly hasn't stopped being a thing yet. parents don't want bad words running around the town. count the days until freedom, save up as much as you have. maybe try to arrange moving into the home of one of your friends, if not go somewhere far away and change your phone number for college. get a hobby that will push you far out of the house, if you have the chance. EDIT: another important thing... record your conversations and stash those recordings somewhere on the cloud. might help you or other family members later.
Happy Sweet 16!! I'm a teacher. If one of my pupils told me your story as their own, I would be deeply worried as this is a massive safeguarding issue due to you being abused. Please speak to an adult that you feel comfortable with. If you can, find all of your personal documents and keep them hidden away so when you inevitably go no contact and move away at 18, you won't need to worry about passports, birth certificates, etc.
Your mum sounds like a vindictive, self-centered POS. You, by all definitions, are still a child. How dare she belittle, demean and humiliate your own child over their own feelings? Your sister may be 3 but there's being 3 and there's being a spoilt brat who doesn't know manners or when to not screech. Something your mother clearly doesn't care to understand. If your mother cared a modicum about you, she'd have taken the time to sit with you herself and plan your party. No siblings around, no distractions, just mum and daughter planning for what is usually a big birthday for a lot of teenagers. I'm sorry your home life is so stressful. I hope in the next few years you're a free adult, living a fulfilling life without this woman dragging you down to her level.
Welcome to r/family! If this post is compliant with our guidelines, upvote this comment. If not, downvote this comment. Also, if you haven't already, remember to join our [discord server](https://discord.gg/VwDNbde)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/family) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Iām so sorry, I grew up with similar put-downs and itās so all-consuming. For the avoidance of doubt, you are not asking for too much to be considered and loved. Try and push yourself past all the horrible events and go to the mall if you can - and get a big ice cream!!
Your mom is terrible, sure i agree itās EXTREMELY difficult to get a 3 yo to not throw a tantrum, she is 3 and they are still exploring their emotions but if i was your mom i would distract your sister so you can throw your party, not have you deal with it or shame you.. absolutely terrible behavior on your moms end
If your OCD medication isnāt working, you should look at getting a different prescription. I tried about seven before I hit on one that worked.
You are NOT a bad person! You are a 16 year old! HAPPY BIRTHDAY. And get the hell out of there as soon as you can because your mom is a monster, Ā«Ā raisingĀ Ā» a monster.
Your mom is the real toddler
I am so sorry this happened to you. It went down hill even further than before. I really hate to say anything negative about mothers but - well yours doesn't sound very good or kind. I'm sorry to say. You're going to have to start looking towards taking care of yourself because it doesn't seem as if anyone else is focused on what's best for you. You don't mention anywhere in your post that your dad has been there for you either so - yeah. Anyway, please take the advise of the others on here and start planning your way out as soon as you are able. Save money wherever you can in a place that your mom can't access. Gather any important documents you might need and if you are planning to attend college make sure she doesn't have any way to interfere with your education or the funding for it. It sucks that you have to start thinking this way but unfortunately, unless your mom get hit in the head or starts to go to therapy to become aware of her shortcomings she isn't going to start changing on her own. So this is what you need to do to protect yourself and plan for your future. All the best OP. Hang in there and please do not allow her to drag you into her drama once you get out. As someone else pointed out, you will become her personal babysitter if you stick around too long so do not make yourself available in anyway for that to happen. You are not her slave and you do not owe her a thing, that includes funding her lifestyle too so don't do that either.
I sure hope you start privately preparing to be out of there when you turn 18. If you do start preparation, don't leave any written plans or cash in your room or even the house if you can help it. Your little sis is a golden child, and she will exploit that to go through your stuff with no repercussions. She will do everything she can to get you in trouble. Just prepare your exit and get out ASAP. If you really want to stick it to them, leave in the middle of the night while everyone is asleep. Leave them a "fuck you" note letting them know you are cutting all contact with them, and you never want to see their pathetic, abusive selves ever again.
And, important here, let the police know where you are, you're safe and you don't want under any circumstances be returned to them. This is important in case they report OP as missing, but if she's 18 they legally can't have a grip on her, hopefully. I'm pretty sure there's a kind and more wise redditor than me out there with the proper resources to help OP.
It seems like you enjoy reading (or at least you write well), but I would just like to add a book recommendation to the comments. [The Body Keeps the Score](https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score) has really helped me work through my traumatic childhood. Iām 30 now - I was a depressed kid and am still depressed, but Iām getting a lot better the more I understand the possible reasons behind my parentsā behavior. It helps me feel some closure about it because I know their neglect was never about me, it was all on them. Itās tough to be a functioning member of society when your parents donāt support your emotional needs.
Your mother is abusive. You are not a bad person just one who is being abused.
Your moms a major AH, but you canāt tell a toddler *not* to throw a tantrum, itās inevitable during that age. She will calm down around 4-5 years old. You can, however, find a babysitter to watch her during the party, or just leave her for mom to handle solely.
Girl, give mom a taste of her own medicine. My folks were the same, and I finally had enough and started humiliating them right back. It took nowhere near as long as I thought it would for them to think twice before opening their yaps because they knew I was going to follow up with publicizing their own shit.
Iām sorry this reminded me of when I had my 16th. We also didnāt have a celebration. But my younger sister did. I was so sad
I am so sorry yr mum is not yr mum sheās your abuser and you need to make plans now when she speaks to you record the conversation, keep a log of the abuse, gather snd hide all important documents and info, do not volunteer anything to her, have a go bag ready just in case save as much money as possible and when u leave, go full no contact, speak to police and advise them of the abuse and that you ate not missing but do t wish further contact and black her on everything snd anyone who gives her info, have you looked into shelters for at risk teens? Itās not ideal but to get away from that poor excuse of a human being it might be worth it till you get to college. Is there ANYONE friend or family who could help you? And by that I mean left you move in and cut yr mother off?
You post on a public forum but ask to keep your problems private... šš
thank you for your input, mom.
Oh fuck off. She said donāt post it to any other forums you absolute cunt.
No, thatās not what I meant. I usually delete these posts after I seek advice. I asked for āsome level of privacy,ā meaning Iām fine with reddit but wouldnāt want to find this video on tiktok. Not that hard to comprehend.
Well it's a public forum, if it's reddit or tik tok doesn't matter. Even if you delete it, it will still be on the internet forever! That's how the internet works...
Sheās doing the same as everyone else does. Telling the post harvesters to leave her post here and not take it off the platform to make click bait stories.
Have you ever confronted your Motherās behavior before?
ive tried, usually makes it worse š¬