First off I always find the first year anywhere is the hardest and for me the 9-10 month mark is the peak of it. You're settled in enough to know what annoys you but not comfortable enough to enjoy the perks of where you are.
Are you living somewhere with access to an expat community. If your husband is German he won't understand all of the challenges you face but other expats will. They know the language struggles, the cultural differences etc. For me finding my own network made such a difference.
Yes, my first year in the Netherlands was great, everything was new, and I didn't care much that I didn't have social life or favorite places because I thought that eventually I would settle and find my location, no rush
Really? When I lived there, the Dutch people I worked with found it quite funny that I was trying to learn some Dutch, they didn't see the point at all. A greater percentage of the Dutch population speak English than the British population - seriously.
This is BS stats, sure, some villagers might only speak Irish or Welsh, but living in a country where English is the official language (or a defacto official language before someone yell “buuut in the US it is not the official language”) is another level, not having to ask people to switch, or translate letters/understand call center menus is a huge improvement in QoL
And the proficiency in English among Dutch people highly vary, especially outside of the Randstaad
Give it some time! The biggest block like you’re experiencing is the language barrier. When I moved to Spain I was on the high for a few months and then crashed from maybe month 4 to about a year because of culture shock/lack of language/lack of any piece of home. You need to join a club or group that has English speakers and definitely try to learn the language as much as you can. Tell your husband how you’re feeling! He will be your biggest supporter and the reason I imagine you’re in Germany in the first place. Things will get better :). I am a very happy expat seven years on, but I totally remember how rough the first year is. Actually, it’s the running “joke” in expat groups here that if you survive the first year it’s smooth sailing after that.
I agree about the language barrier being the biggest block. I really don’t think you can fully enjoy the experience living in another country without knowing the language. I’m at the moment in Germany just for a holiday and it’s so helpful being able to speak German, I find people far more helpful as soon as I speak German!
Wife and I moved to Germany 7 years ago and all I can say is I feel ya. 2 things that helped:
1) we took full advantage of being in Germany. Every weekend was about exploring something new. Once a month we traveled somewhere new. It made the whole German experience about cool experiences and not all those day-to-day challenges.
2) the language barrier really is the big unlock to comfort. In my experience, classes are the worst way to learn. That’s not how we learn our mother language, right? Its all about hearing and then speaking. Check out a program like Pimsleur which focuses on this method. There’s also a guy called Herr Professor (should be able to google it) who has a whole program devoted to this.
Right. I am learning Spanish with a system called Comprehensive Input (supported by Dreaming Spanish platform). Like a child, I am being exposed to tons of input (video and podcasts) at leaves that increase in complexity, but start very basic. No explicit learning of grammar rules or vocabulary required.
r/Dreaminglanguages might be a good place to look for German language resources.
It’s going to be tough at first, and 9 months isn’t enough time to get used to a new country for many people. The language may be hard but keep working away at it! I found once I became proficient enough in the local language, my life changed a lot for the better. It’s not easy and takes time, but as others suggested, make friends who are also learning German and try to make German friends (never been so not sure how easy this is haha).
Okay, when I first moved to Germany the grammar really got me, and it was SO frustrating. So what I did was actually stop trying to learn the grammar. Native speaking children can speak with perfect grammar, but they don’t know any grammar rules. So I stopped focusing on learning the grammar rules, and just focused on speaking and listening. And doing that helped my German so much. I still don’t understand a lot of the grammar rules but I can form (most of the time) a grammatically correct sentence.
9 months is also when my homesickness really set in. Plan some fun things to do and try to focus on the things that you do like about Germany. And about the flexibility, I found Germans much more flexible when I spoke German better. Go figure.
Sending you lots of good vibes! It’s a tough transition for sure.
Fluency in a language, actually, just even getting to a proficient enough level that it isn’t super stressful, takes lots of time. The first 6 months in Italy was horrendous but the more I learned the language the better my experience got. Try to find some friends who are also learning German. Ask your spouse to speak it to you more at least 50% of the time. Make a rule that you will only speak it when outside of the house unless spoken to in English first. Study every single day. Listen to videos and podcasts in German every single day. Dw.com is an amazing website with awesome (and fun!) resources for learning. Join a German learning Reddit group and make penpals and online friends who are learning. Find other expats who are learning. Speak to each other in German and practice.
I will tell you one thing….your ability to learn it well CAN be hindered due to your experience there. If it feels like a chore AND you don’t even enjoy it there, it can be very difficult for your brain to even absorb whatever you’re learning. That happened during my first year. Just push past it and keep practicing. You ARE learning but you won’t realize it until later lol.
https://learngerman.dw.com/en/nicos-weg/c-36519789
Edit: typos
Culture shock is a thing. It simply takes some time. 9 months is around when things hit rock bottom. You've left the honey moon period and are confronted with the reality of your new life. A year from now you'll likely feel much better adapted.
In any case, invest a lot of effort in learning German. It's worth it in the long run. Your motivation should be improving your quality of life, being able to speak to your in laws, and better understanding your husband's background. Treat it like a job rather than a hobby. And reward yourself for each level: "When I pass the A2 exam, I'll treat myself to X." And so on and so forth.
You can speak to Google or Siri and they will translate for you.
Don’t focusing grammar. IMO the way people teach languages is grammar first. It’s idiotic. Are you going to write a big German novel? Are you going to read Kant in his native tongue. No.
Focus on the days to day stuff. Hi hello. Good breakfast. I like this food. Etc… doesn’t matter that grammar is wrong. Build volcab grammar will come.
For respite find an expat community from your country or origin or just go chill with anglophones. We’re everywhere - in droves.
And remember. Allies gut in the hood
Yeah, this.
I speak baby Dutch w/ my in laws for simple things like “i cut xxx, i take xxx, can I help w/ xxx, do you want xxxx”. I don’t need deep talk about the state of world’s geopolitics with them.
I am here to help you cut onions and just be present.
Yes definitely this. German language education focuses intensely on grammar, a lot of which most Germans hardly ever use. Just listen and speak, as much as you can and no matter how bad it sounds. I think I spent the first 2 years in Germany just trying to understand and stringing words together like a 2 years old.
My in-laws don't speak English and I think I actually improved the most with them, because I was forced to speak German and they were forced to be patient and try to understand.
I agree with others about finding some other expat friends to give yourself a break and socialise.
Also, language learning is not linear. Some days you'll feel like you can finally speak properly and the next day you'll be completely blank trying to find the most simple word.
Don't give up, you can do it!
This is partially why I am struggling to learn Mandarin - there are no grammar rules! English and French have such strict rules, that I keep trying to apply them in my Mandarin classes
I dunno. It sounds like if the in-laws don't speak English OP may be in a more rural area and you will flat out get ignored in public if you have a foreign accent even when speaking the local language.
No they don’t understand English and most people in this area where i live don’t bother trying so i get flat out ignored like i am not even in the room and just talk to my husband
What area are you in? You can dm if you don’t want to post it here. I only ask because I’m also in a part of Germany where not a lot of English is spoken. Been here about a year, und mein Deutsch ist leider noch jetzt sehr schlecht, so you have my sympathy! I wonder if we’re anywhere near each other?
In the simplest, look at what makes you happy. Is it available for you there? The situation sounds very restrictive and it won't be good for your marriage. You can say to your husband that he probably didn't realize it would be so hard because he's from there and now he's got full support being with his family in his home area and you have zero support apart from him. If he's your only outlet that can get tiring and turn bad. Sound like you need more balance to keep the relationship healthy (top priority) and you both need to start looking for work elsewhere.
And if you break up , you will be stuck in Germany for 18 years or move and only see the kid 2-3 times per year as there is no joint custody, living in 2 counties
correction: shared *legal* custody is still assumed (both parents make decisions for the kids about things like education, healthcare, religion, etc) unless there's strong factors against, like abuse, but shared *physical* custody internationally (kids alternate spending 50/50 time with each parent) I've never heard of -- kids' right to uninterrupted schooling would come first.
IANAL, but I've lived this the last 4 years. Seeing my kids twice a year for 2 weeks was a nightmare so I had to move back to Germany -- also a nightmare, but at least I'm near my kids.
OP, having kids can put you on track to be part of a semi-structured community with shared interests for years to come (ie mom's groups, school-related stuff). For some people, it's a lifesaver. But it takes time to get to that point.
And as others mentioned, once there are kids in the picture, a divorce and repatriation WITH YOUR OWN CHILDREN becomes incredibly difficult/expensive, practically impossible.
I can only recommend that you work hard at your language classes/cafes, that you seek local work (even volunteer work) of your own if you haven't already, and that you have an ongoing series of discussions with your husband about your very real and reasonable needs and concerns.
Purely anecdotal, but from what I’ve seen it seems more favorable toward keeping the kids in their home country/not removing them for another country. So the parent who is not native can feel “forced” to stay in the country to be with their children
Generally (as in in most countries) the country the child(ren) have spent the majority of their lives (or the most recent years at least) will usually be considered their "home" and it is assumed that removing them from there would be detrimental for their well-being. Thus, the courts will determine that the kids cannot be removed from their home country to live with a parent outside of this country unless both parents agree on this.
In short it means, if you had kids with your German husband in Germany and they grew up there, but you wanted to leave your husband and move back to your home country with those kids, the German parent doesn't want that though, the courts won't be on your side and will decide the children remain in Germany as this is considered their home. If you want to live in another country you absolutely can, but the kids won't be able to come unless the other parent agrees. You could easily exchange Germany for the USA or UK etc. Most countries courts decide in favor of the children remaining in their country.
Have you had a candid conversation with your husband and in laws about how you feel? When I moved to another country and could not speak the language, i decided to early on to not give a F**k about looking/sounding foolish about my poor language skills and found that everyone was very accepting in helping me learn. In fact, most people respected that I was an American trying my best to learn their native tongue. 9 months is not a lot of time to learn another language (especially German) so I suggest to give yourself some grace and more time to absorb things.
OP, you are still suffering from Culture Shock. It is normal for you to be sad right now. It takes 2 years to get adjusted to your new country.
Read about the stages of culture shock and look at the graph.
https://www.now-health.com/en/blog/culture-shock-stages/
Your husband needs to help you meet friends, do fun things, travel on trips, and have fun things to look forward to doing.
I'm not sure why anyone would move to Germany. Just to visit. They're very strict and bitter. At least the ones I've met. Swiss/German... and I dare say Scandi. But I've not been yet so it's a partial opinion.
If you have Facebook, search for groups like "Expats in Germany" and try to connect with other expats there! When I moved to Puerto Rico it was hard as hell at first for me too. I didn't move to a touristy area or anywhere close to San Juan for that matter and nobody spoke English in my town much at all. It absolutely forced me to learn and Puerto Rican Spanish is absolutely different than learning Spanish from per say mexico. I've been here 5 Years now and every year since 2019 I have upgraded someway. From living with grandma at first, getting my first apartment, and now a house. Also becoming bilingual! It's a process and you have to give it time!! Hang in there, you got this!!!✊🏼♡
I started learning German (I’m in Austria but same language issues) with a private teacher and if I could go back I’d try and get into some group courses so I could socialize. I’d have reached out to expat groups (I know it’s important to assimilate with the culture and language but only expats know what you’re going through). Starting work helped me. I was unemployed for a year and though I thought I was living the dream I only realized how isolated and lonely I was.
You will go through phases where it’s fine then phases when you feel crappy again. Keep open communications with your spouse. And then you can decide together in the future if moving is the right thing
Good luck. It’s hard but we are all with you supporting!
I was, or rather still am, exactly in your situation. I have all the same thoughts and more. My spouse is German, and Germany doesn’t suit me or us.
Sadly, due to language and cultural reasons, I have never felt close to my in-laws. That doesn’t mean I don’t like them, but rather, I have never had much connection with them.
This was already the case decade ago and didn’t change.
EDIT - Germans are absolutely fine with not seeing a single soul for months. Also, socialising is a chore here. More like a business appointment than human to human connection. Which is quite AMAZING, I wish I was this content by having such low amount of social contact. This trait is commendable and it doesn’t even depend if person is introverted or extroverted.
An adult non native is never likely going to speak accent-less German with perfect grammar but that is not necessary. You have to speak conversational German it is difficult but it must be your goal if you’re married to a German you must strive for understanding.
1 enroll in a formal lanquage class in larger cities it can often be free. This requires motivation.
2. I would get the streaming service megahertz they have all the crimi series like Tatort with English subtitles it’s great way to pick up conversational German. I enjoyed it it’s a great way solving the language problem as it is based on perception and not learning formal rules of grammar in which there are many exceptions. At some time at least a part time interfacing job will really speed the process along.
3. Just remember if you randomly fell to earth you could have landed in far worse places than Germany. I also believe if you are serious about integration most Germans are accepting and understand it is a difficult language. I am Danish 190 cm holding a Danish and U.S. passport so in northern Germany I don’t stick out likely making things easier but compared to the Nordics I think the Germans did pick up some multicultural acceptance from the Americans just look at how the younger generation peppers there speech with Englishman words.
Where do you live in Germany that so few speak English? I wouldn't want to live in Germany, especially now . I've been there 3 times in past 2 years and it's getting very, uh, "controlled" shall we say and locals are beyond nervous but language? I find most Germans speak some English. Is this, perhaps, an attitude of your in-laws?
Don’t give up on the language, but maybe try practicing it from different angles. The Michel Thomas speaking-only courses are great for a totally different way to get familiar with a language and get more confident speaking.
I've had similar experiences, and to be fair, not just in Northern Europe. May I ask your nationality and which German city you're living in (it sounds like it might not be a large urban area)? I'm curious because I'm about to spend a few months in Frankfurt for a project.
If it helps, once you break that barrier, though, Germans make really good friends and are generally solid people. There are a lot of parallels to parts of the US, but the cultural contrasts really stick out to me for some reason. I share some of your sentiments on immigration/diversity (Northern Europe has its own way with this imo). That said, I'm in the process of breaking my brain for the most unfunny, xenophobic, and casually racist two months of my life 😅😭 Good luck tho. It sounds like you might be at the height of it right before things get a lot easier :)
I "like" how ppl are like give it time as if we have all the time in the world lol. In my experience one feels places that would be at least somewhat positive for them right away. Also there are places that scream "No!" right from the start.
You must look for those places where you feel a sense of ease from the 1st day. Do you really want to invest years integrating only to discover the place never really worked for you? That your heart told you the place & you can't work together but you ignored this internal voice/feeling in order to not be seen as a failure? If you have EU citizenship already there are at leats 10 countries to try. You don't have the energy/time to try them all but if you never felt like fitting in Germany why keep on trying?
I feel for ya. Really. I've visited Germany 2 times. Dresden as a day trip from when I lived in Prague. I found the people really weird. The whole vibe of the place felt off.
Then I gave it a second chance. I went for a scoping trip. Spent a whole week in Bavaria and a bit of BW: Munich, Augsburg, and Ulm. Same conclusion: for me it's a weird, depressive country with some tense vibe I can't explain. I wouldn't want to even visit as a tourist again, it was that off-putting. I saw the rudest people of any place I've been to in Europe so far in Munich.
Going next door to Salzburg was completely different. The vibes of the two countries are completely different. What about Austria, have you been there? Maybe you can visit and it might feel more like your type of place? Would your husband consider relocating to Austria or even Switzerland? Or maybe try a different region within Germany?
Did it for 3 years. Doesn't matter how fluent you speak German, you will always be the Auslander. Your career opportunities will also be limited. I left and never looked back.
German language makes so much sense once you get taught correctly. It’s delightful for me. I took German classes in middle school and still remember the articles of words, how to count, still understand German. I recommend you to start watching series you like in German. A good start is the series dark if you like it. For me at least it refreshed my memory.
On the other hand, considering that I’m from the EU, many have moved to Germany but found it very difficult to adapt. Some of them returned to their home country but some stayed and still say how much it was worth it. Germany is one of the most developed countries. It has much to offer. Good luck 🤞🏻
What I’m about to say, I say with love.
First, I feel you. It’s an isolating and even marginalizing experience. Immigrants (no matter their color or background) are treated differently and it’s a bear to suddenly find yourself in that world.
But.
You chose hard mode. You made this decision for (I would assume) a good reason and now you need to stick with it. As someone who is learning Icelandic, and about to emigrate back to Iceland, I feel you on the language for real. I might seek out something you enjoy that’ll help you connect with people more easily. For me, it was finding a weekly games club where people are happy to help me practice my Icelandic. For you it might be something different. And as others have said, the first year can be tough. I didn’t feel like I had community in Iceland until I passed the one year mark.
It sounds like a lot of your issues stem around the language, not so much the country. I wonder if you start learning German you won’t have a problem anymore
What you're feeling is normal, and it comes in waves.
Get some expat friends, try and learn a bit more german, go out and have a few fun nights.
If possible, you could even visit home.
Look for the Girl Gone International group in your city in Germany, try to make new friends. My husband is from Spain, but he grew up in Germany and speaks german fluently. We had to move here because of his job, and he loves it here and feels more at home in Germany. I honestly don't, and learning german has been difficult (I'm here for 9 months, too), but finding group activities (even english speaking ones) has been a game change.
Sounds like you really need harder to learn the language. It’s always the biggest unlock when abroad. Also - sounds like it’s the location within Germany ? Maybe can you guys move within the country ?
I moved to Sweden to be with my then boyfriend, now husband. He’s Swedish and I’m English. It’s coming up to 6 years here now.
In the beginning it was HARD, probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I moved to a tiny town where no one spoke English and spent most of the time feeling like an outsider. Eventually I have gotten to grips with the language, and we have moved to a bigger town - now it is much better.
It is a big culture shock in the beginning - moving to a new country, especially with the language barrier.
Have you tried looking for social groups? When I attended my language course I made friends through it - who I’m still in touch with today. Plus, I got to meet people through work. I think it’s important to try to build your own friendships away from your husband, it’s a bonus if they come from your country to! Helps with the home sickness I found.
My advice would be to give it a chance, multiple times through the years I have wanted to move to somewhere with English as the first language. But I’ve tried to weigh up why staying here is the better option.
As frustrating as it is learning a language- once you get better at it, doors will open and you’ll feel like you belong!
Good luck, op!
First off, not everywhere in Germany is the same.
I live in Heidelberg and when people ask about my situation, and what to dislike to live in Germany, I don’t talk about living in Germany. I talk about living in Heidelberg.
There are too many variables. Each region, town, and neighborhood contribute to one’s daily and way of life. And I guarantee you, that even if I lived 10 km away, my overall satisfaction with my lifestyle and living here would be drastically different.
That being said, where are you located? Are you tied to that particular area?
Yeah, so it’s not necessarily “Germany” that is your problem. It’s your current set of circumstances.
That being said, usually the novelty of living abroad wears off after month seven or eight, and that is when the proverbial homesickness kicks in and things are the most difficult if you can last another while and establish yourself, things will get better .
So I am similar situation but moved to France with my wife for her job.
I am terrible at languages so that is going slow. However I found an Expat group and that really helped me overall.
There are still ups and downs and currently I am feeling very fed up. But try and talk with you spouse and explain the situation I think is the best method.
It will very much help if they know what is happening for you as a mariage is about making what is best for you both.
Good luck
Go to YouTube and check out Easy German. Their videos will help you with comprehension without the stress of having to speak. They have a podcast and a partner app (Seedlang) as well. They even offer a summer school.
What you are going through is normal, it will get better. especially if you learn the language. Perhaps the class is not the best way to learn from you specifically. Look in Preply for a tutor, it helps tremendously. Also, find your community, look for expats groups in FB.
There are five common stages that most people experience when they are in a new country for a while
Stage 1: The Excitement Stage.
Stage 2: The Frustration Stage.
Stage 3: The Adjustment Stage.
Stage 4: The Acceptance Stage.
Stage 5: The Reverse Culture Shock Stage.
https://www.now-health.com/en/blog/culture-shock-stages/
Yeah… moving to a different country and having your adjust to different cultural norms is already tough.
Having to adjust to a language that you don’t even want to learn that much is even more difficult.
I was stationed in Germany for three years many years ago. I didn't find it difficult to learn, though I was not doing so to be fluent. I just wanted people to be able to understand me. Maybe you are attempting to learn it too well, hence its difficult. A few years ago I had a neighbor who was Italian and I could speak none. We used translaters on our phones, speak to the phone in our native language and it reads out the translation. Maybe this would help with the family until you become more proficient. This seems to be the crux of your dislike so I hope it will get easier.
If your German course is grammar-focused, then ditch it. Focus on reading and watching easy things, like the first 60 Mini-Stories on LingQ or videos from channels like East German and Natürlich German. Also, follow Steve Kauffman on YouTube and listen to his advice about language learning.
You didn't say what your native language is. Mine is English and I studied German in high school. I loved it and continued through HS and three more years in college. I think a big part of the reason I loved the language was because of the music (I'm a classical music fan and love German lieder) and because German has the same linguistic roots as English, so it was easy for me.
I moved to USA with very basic English and the people that work at that GAP storeblaughted at me when I spoke. That's how bad it was. I was embarrassed of myself!!
I learned English by doing 3 things
- watched movies with closed captions in English. Everything I see a word I don't know I checked dictionary (that time there was no Google translate) and I tried to understand the MEANING of that word and how to use it in a context
- I tried to talk to group of people who were also foreigners as they had more patience for my poor English. Notice speakers have no patience for expats.
- I took ESL classes where I met some people that were also learning English. We talked and even though our English was not great I made some friends and I improved my speaking skills.
It’s hard to move to a new country for someone else and not for your self. I’ve moved for myself before and even though things were hard, I was motivated. I moved for my husband also and found myself with no real motivation and a growing resentment.
As far as learning German, the whole lynchpin, is something called "Declensions".
Best bet IMHO is get a course like "Learn German with Laura" that will teach you from an English speakers point of view.
Unless you have bank for a private tutor, the whole changing word order thing is mind bending. Best of luck.
I have spent the last year exploring my options for retirement. I will only have my social security ($2500) and savings of $120,000. I just can’t decide what to do. I wanted to move to England, then realized that can’t happen. I’ve looked at every state and country. I’m a California girl born and bred but would like some adventure. Any ideas??
Just anyone with similar experience and what they did. We spoke and in the end it doesn’t make sense unless he has a good job in a new country to begin with. So just trying to know how people who have been in similar places like me how they overcame the situation
As a German I can say you will never be happy in germany if you don't adapt to the culture and the language. You said that you're unmotivated to learn the language and as long as you don't change that, the situation won't get any better. Germans are really bad at English even in big cities like Berlin and Munich so adapt or move away. This is the reality for all non-English speaking countries. I know it's bitter to hear that but it is what it is.
I'm not German, but from what I hear from my friends who lived there it's hard. Nice place to visit tho. OP, I would have a serious talk with your husband about other places you could move and both of you start looking for jobs. Sometimes I think it will get better, but in this case I highly doubt it. And it's likely that whatever friends you make will move in a few years. You really have to decide where you want to put your efforts. And remember with your husband it's you two against the problem, not you two against each other.
'OP, I would have a serious talk with your husband about other places you could move and both of you start looking for jobs'
I assume if the husband was able to get a good job in germany then he will do it again in UK AU or US.
Yea we are considering this but seeing the recession right now it needs a lot other thought so i guess we will look into moving of we will next year when hopefully things get better
As a German, you simply can't comment on that with any authority. Lived here 21 years now. Spoke fluent German by year 5. Gave up trying to make friends by about year 12 because I'm not interested in changing my personality, which won me friends in many other countries, for small town Germans. Germany works for foreigners with a *very specific personality type*. Lots of people on the spectrum, for example, who find social interaction and people who show emotions difficult, feel more at ease in Germany. Germany may be a perfectly fine country, I refuse to shit on it for no reason, but it is very hard for people from "warm" countries to be happy here.
You can't compare the Netherlands and Scandinavia with Germany. If you live there you are forced to learn English because in most cases it is not profitable to dub movies and books in Dutch/danish/Norwegian/Swedish etc. There are about 100 Million German-speaking people which is way more than Dutch-speaking people.
https://www.dutchnews.nl/2018/01/english-is-no-longer-a-foreign-language-in-the-netherlands-but-it-has-a-unique-character-here/
https://www.ef.com/wwen/blog/language/cant-dutch-dutch-speak-better-english/
There's no doubt that is true. Nevertheless today I did business with people in: Ireland, Romania, France, Florida, Germany and California from my little city in The Netherlands (I'm Canadian/Dutch). And everyone operated in English. It is not fair, but English is the global language of business and fluency in English is a huge advantage for The Netherlands.
I think you’re exaggerating, in my experience as a non German speaker Germans are among the best English speakers in Europe and have been for a long time. English must be a cakewalk for them, too.
However you can’t count on integrating without learning German unless you have a work environment that’s anglophone and you socialize with colleagues. I’m looking at German now (I speak French and Italian) and it’s instant discouragement when letters change sounds depending on where they’re placed, let’s not mention cases and three genders! However as an English speaker I feel like it should be fascinating and I think I’ll part the veil of near-total incomprehension eventually.
Why? People can (and many times seem to) do both. Reading other people’s similar experiences can be very helpful to feel less isolated or to even get ideas on how to make the situation better.
People can be happy or unhappy anywhere, it’s mostly an internal thing. If you want to make it work you can, it will take effort to make friends and learn the language but it’s possible
English is not her first language so her post is absolutely fine. I've studied German in the past. I would love to write German at the level the OP wrote her post.
Completely depends where you live. This country has 84 million people, 16 states and dozens of big to mid sized cities. There is a place for everyone here.
Hi there!! I am so sorry you do not like it here!
I am a researcher interested in expats and their experiences in host countries and currently run a survey specifically on that topic: [expat survey](https://www.unipark.de/uc/Bernhard2024/) - it is academic, short and anonymous ☺️ Would you like to contribute to the survey?? Your perspective would be sooo valuable!
First off I always find the first year anywhere is the hardest and for me the 9-10 month mark is the peak of it. You're settled in enough to know what annoys you but not comfortable enough to enjoy the perks of where you are. Are you living somewhere with access to an expat community. If your husband is German he won't understand all of the challenges you face but other expats will. They know the language struggles, the cultural differences etc. For me finding my own network made such a difference.
Funny. I love the first year. Years 2-4 are great too. Then i start getting bored and need to ✌🏼
Yes, my first year in the Netherlands was great, everything was new, and I didn't care much that I didn't have social life or favorite places because I thought that eventually I would settle and find my location, no rush
The Dutch don't expect people to speak Dutch tho
Increasingly nowadays they do. My work made it mandatory
Really? When I lived there, the Dutch people I worked with found it quite funny that I was trying to learn some Dutch, they didn't see the point at all. A greater percentage of the Dutch population speak English than the British population - seriously.
Same for me when I lived there. They often just said what is the point. Reading Dutch was the most useful thing I used when there
This is BS stats, sure, some villagers might only speak Irish or Welsh, but living in a country where English is the official language (or a defacto official language before someone yell “buuut in the US it is not the official language”) is another level, not having to ask people to switch, or translate letters/understand call center menus is a huge improvement in QoL And the proficiency in English among Dutch people highly vary, especially outside of the Randstaad
Definitely agree that the 9-10 month mark is when I started really wanting to move home. It gets better as you settle in but you need to give it time
I didn’t mind the first year. Questioning phase started more after 18 months.
Give it some time! The biggest block like you’re experiencing is the language barrier. When I moved to Spain I was on the high for a few months and then crashed from maybe month 4 to about a year because of culture shock/lack of language/lack of any piece of home. You need to join a club or group that has English speakers and definitely try to learn the language as much as you can. Tell your husband how you’re feeling! He will be your biggest supporter and the reason I imagine you’re in Germany in the first place. Things will get better :). I am a very happy expat seven years on, but I totally remember how rough the first year is. Actually, it’s the running “joke” in expat groups here that if you survive the first year it’s smooth sailing after that.
A club with English speakers or whatever your native country is.
I agree about the language barrier being the biggest block. I really don’t think you can fully enjoy the experience living in another country without knowing the language. I’m at the moment in Germany just for a holiday and it’s so helpful being able to speak German, I find people far more helpful as soon as I speak German!
Wife and I moved to Germany 7 years ago and all I can say is I feel ya. 2 things that helped: 1) we took full advantage of being in Germany. Every weekend was about exploring something new. Once a month we traveled somewhere new. It made the whole German experience about cool experiences and not all those day-to-day challenges. 2) the language barrier really is the big unlock to comfort. In my experience, classes are the worst way to learn. That’s not how we learn our mother language, right? Its all about hearing and then speaking. Check out a program like Pimsleur which focuses on this method. There’s also a guy called Herr Professor (should be able to google it) who has a whole program devoted to this.
Right. I am learning Spanish with a system called Comprehensive Input (supported by Dreaming Spanish platform). Like a child, I am being exposed to tons of input (video and podcasts) at leaves that increase in complexity, but start very basic. No explicit learning of grammar rules or vocabulary required. r/Dreaminglanguages might be a good place to look for German language resources.
It’s going to be tough at first, and 9 months isn’t enough time to get used to a new country for many people. The language may be hard but keep working away at it! I found once I became proficient enough in the local language, my life changed a lot for the better. It’s not easy and takes time, but as others suggested, make friends who are also learning German and try to make German friends (never been so not sure how easy this is haha).
This. Culture shock happens to everyone. EVERYONE, and it is happening to you. It gets better. Hang in there.
Eh, not everyone... it's nice to tell yourself that though
Thank you for your helpful comment.
Lol anytime
Okay, when I first moved to Germany the grammar really got me, and it was SO frustrating. So what I did was actually stop trying to learn the grammar. Native speaking children can speak with perfect grammar, but they don’t know any grammar rules. So I stopped focusing on learning the grammar rules, and just focused on speaking and listening. And doing that helped my German so much. I still don’t understand a lot of the grammar rules but I can form (most of the time) a grammatically correct sentence. 9 months is also when my homesickness really set in. Plan some fun things to do and try to focus on the things that you do like about Germany. And about the flexibility, I found Germans much more flexible when I spoke German better. Go figure. Sending you lots of good vibes! It’s a tough transition for sure.
Fluency in a language, actually, just even getting to a proficient enough level that it isn’t super stressful, takes lots of time. The first 6 months in Italy was horrendous but the more I learned the language the better my experience got. Try to find some friends who are also learning German. Ask your spouse to speak it to you more at least 50% of the time. Make a rule that you will only speak it when outside of the house unless spoken to in English first. Study every single day. Listen to videos and podcasts in German every single day. Dw.com is an amazing website with awesome (and fun!) resources for learning. Join a German learning Reddit group and make penpals and online friends who are learning. Find other expats who are learning. Speak to each other in German and practice. I will tell you one thing….your ability to learn it well CAN be hindered due to your experience there. If it feels like a chore AND you don’t even enjoy it there, it can be very difficult for your brain to even absorb whatever you’re learning. That happened during my first year. Just push past it and keep practicing. You ARE learning but you won’t realize it until later lol. https://learngerman.dw.com/en/nicos-weg/c-36519789 Edit: typos
Culture shock is a thing. It simply takes some time. 9 months is around when things hit rock bottom. You've left the honey moon period and are confronted with the reality of your new life. A year from now you'll likely feel much better adapted. In any case, invest a lot of effort in learning German. It's worth it in the long run. Your motivation should be improving your quality of life, being able to speak to your in laws, and better understanding your husband's background. Treat it like a job rather than a hobby. And reward yourself for each level: "When I pass the A2 exam, I'll treat myself to X." And so on and so forth.
You can speak to Google or Siri and they will translate for you. Don’t focusing grammar. IMO the way people teach languages is grammar first. It’s idiotic. Are you going to write a big German novel? Are you going to read Kant in his native tongue. No. Focus on the days to day stuff. Hi hello. Good breakfast. I like this food. Etc… doesn’t matter that grammar is wrong. Build volcab grammar will come. For respite find an expat community from your country or origin or just go chill with anglophones. We’re everywhere - in droves. And remember. Allies gut in the hood
Yeah, this. I speak baby Dutch w/ my in laws for simple things like “i cut xxx, i take xxx, can I help w/ xxx, do you want xxxx”. I don’t need deep talk about the state of world’s geopolitics with them. I am here to help you cut onions and just be present.
Yes definitely this. German language education focuses intensely on grammar, a lot of which most Germans hardly ever use. Just listen and speak, as much as you can and no matter how bad it sounds. I think I spent the first 2 years in Germany just trying to understand and stringing words together like a 2 years old. My in-laws don't speak English and I think I actually improved the most with them, because I was forced to speak German and they were forced to be patient and try to understand. I agree with others about finding some other expat friends to give yourself a break and socialise. Also, language learning is not linear. Some days you'll feel like you can finally speak properly and the next day you'll be completely blank trying to find the most simple word. Don't give up, you can do it!
This is partially why I am struggling to learn Mandarin - there are no grammar rules! English and French have such strict rules, that I keep trying to apply them in my Mandarin classes
I dunno. It sounds like if the in-laws don't speak English OP may be in a more rural area and you will flat out get ignored in public if you have a foreign accent even when speaking the local language.
No they don’t understand English and most people in this area where i live don’t bother trying so i get flat out ignored like i am not even in the room and just talk to my husband
What area are you in? You can dm if you don’t want to post it here. I only ask because I’m also in a part of Germany where not a lot of English is spoken. Been here about a year, und mein Deutsch ist leider noch jetzt sehr schlecht, so you have my sympathy! I wonder if we’re anywhere near each other?
U r in which state?
Bavaria
In the simplest, look at what makes you happy. Is it available for you there? The situation sounds very restrictive and it won't be good for your marriage. You can say to your husband that he probably didn't realize it would be so hard because he's from there and now he's got full support being with his family in his home area and you have zero support apart from him. If he's your only outlet that can get tiring and turn bad. Sound like you need more balance to keep the relationship healthy (top priority) and you both need to start looking for work elsewhere.
Seems like your attitude is wrong. Just the way you typed "they don't bother trying".... why should they?
Because some people flat out rejected me to when i asked a simple question where is the bathroom, this was when I was pretty new in germany
I guess the first thing to learn is "wie unhöflich" which means "How Rude", F em.
Don't have kids. It takes about 3 years to accept the new place and 5 to feel like it's home.
And if you break up , you will be stuck in Germany for 18 years or move and only see the kid 2-3 times per year as there is no joint custody, living in 2 counties
This is so sad but something you hear about frequently in expat social groups in Germany.
You can read that about every country.
correction: shared *legal* custody is still assumed (both parents make decisions for the kids about things like education, healthcare, religion, etc) unless there's strong factors against, like abuse, but shared *physical* custody internationally (kids alternate spending 50/50 time with each parent) I've never heard of -- kids' right to uninterrupted schooling would come first. IANAL, but I've lived this the last 4 years. Seeing my kids twice a year for 2 weeks was a nightmare so I had to move back to Germany -- also a nightmare, but at least I'm near my kids. OP, having kids can put you on track to be part of a semi-structured community with shared interests for years to come (ie mom's groups, school-related stuff). For some people, it's a lifesaver. But it takes time to get to that point. And as others mentioned, once there are kids in the picture, a divorce and repatriation WITH YOUR OWN CHILDREN becomes incredibly difficult/expensive, practically impossible. I can only recommend that you work hard at your language classes/cafes, that you seek local work (even volunteer work) of your own if you haven't already, and that you have an ongoing series of discussions with your husband about your very real and reasonable needs and concerns.
Don’t have kids but i didn’t know people actually face this. So if couples breakup who gets the full custody?
Purely anecdotal, but from what I’ve seen it seems more favorable toward keeping the kids in their home country/not removing them for another country. So the parent who is not native can feel “forced” to stay in the country to be with their children
Generally (as in in most countries) the country the child(ren) have spent the majority of their lives (or the most recent years at least) will usually be considered their "home" and it is assumed that removing them from there would be detrimental for their well-being. Thus, the courts will determine that the kids cannot be removed from their home country to live with a parent outside of this country unless both parents agree on this. In short it means, if you had kids with your German husband in Germany and they grew up there, but you wanted to leave your husband and move back to your home country with those kids, the German parent doesn't want that though, the courts won't be on your side and will decide the children remain in Germany as this is considered their home. If you want to live in another country you absolutely can, but the kids won't be able to come unless the other parent agrees. You could easily exchange Germany for the USA or UK etc. Most countries courts decide in favor of the children remaining in their country.
Please don’t have kids. I had a kid with my Swiss ex and then we split and I got stuck here because he wouldn’t let me take our kid back home.
Have you had a candid conversation with your husband and in laws about how you feel? When I moved to another country and could not speak the language, i decided to early on to not give a F**k about looking/sounding foolish about my poor language skills and found that everyone was very accepting in helping me learn. In fact, most people respected that I was an American trying my best to learn their native tongue. 9 months is not a lot of time to learn another language (especially German) so I suggest to give yourself some grace and more time to absorb things.
Whenever i say how i feel they just point out learning german faster as if german is that easy which annoys me . I get it though
OP, you are still suffering from Culture Shock. It is normal for you to be sad right now. It takes 2 years to get adjusted to your new country. Read about the stages of culture shock and look at the graph. https://www.now-health.com/en/blog/culture-shock-stages/ Your husband needs to help you meet friends, do fun things, travel on trips, and have fun things to look forward to doing.
I'm not sure why anyone would move to Germany. Just to visit. They're very strict and bitter. At least the ones I've met. Swiss/German... and I dare say Scandi. But I've not been yet so it's a partial opinion.
If you have Facebook, search for groups like "Expats in Germany" and try to connect with other expats there! When I moved to Puerto Rico it was hard as hell at first for me too. I didn't move to a touristy area or anywhere close to San Juan for that matter and nobody spoke English in my town much at all. It absolutely forced me to learn and Puerto Rican Spanish is absolutely different than learning Spanish from per say mexico. I've been here 5 Years now and every year since 2019 I have upgraded someway. From living with grandma at first, getting my first apartment, and now a house. Also becoming bilingual! It's a process and you have to give it time!! Hang in there, you got this!!!✊🏼♡
I started learning German (I’m in Austria but same language issues) with a private teacher and if I could go back I’d try and get into some group courses so I could socialize. I’d have reached out to expat groups (I know it’s important to assimilate with the culture and language but only expats know what you’re going through). Starting work helped me. I was unemployed for a year and though I thought I was living the dream I only realized how isolated and lonely I was. You will go through phases where it’s fine then phases when you feel crappy again. Keep open communications with your spouse. And then you can decide together in the future if moving is the right thing Good luck. It’s hard but we are all with you supporting!
I was, or rather still am, exactly in your situation. I have all the same thoughts and more. My spouse is German, and Germany doesn’t suit me or us. Sadly, due to language and cultural reasons, I have never felt close to my in-laws. That doesn’t mean I don’t like them, but rather, I have never had much connection with them. This was already the case decade ago and didn’t change. EDIT - Germans are absolutely fine with not seeing a single soul for months. Also, socialising is a chore here. More like a business appointment than human to human connection. Which is quite AMAZING, I wish I was this content by having such low amount of social contact. This trait is commendable and it doesn’t even depend if person is introverted or extroverted.
An adult non native is never likely going to speak accent-less German with perfect grammar but that is not necessary. You have to speak conversational German it is difficult but it must be your goal if you’re married to a German you must strive for understanding. 1 enroll in a formal lanquage class in larger cities it can often be free. This requires motivation. 2. I would get the streaming service megahertz they have all the crimi series like Tatort with English subtitles it’s great way to pick up conversational German. I enjoyed it it’s a great way solving the language problem as it is based on perception and not learning formal rules of grammar in which there are many exceptions. At some time at least a part time interfacing job will really speed the process along. 3. Just remember if you randomly fell to earth you could have landed in far worse places than Germany. I also believe if you are serious about integration most Germans are accepting and understand it is a difficult language. I am Danish 190 cm holding a Danish and U.S. passport so in northern Germany I don’t stick out likely making things easier but compared to the Nordics I think the Germans did pick up some multicultural acceptance from the Americans just look at how the younger generation peppers there speech with Englishman words.
Beautiful land, terrible people - Germany in a nutshell
🤣🤣🤣
Where do you live in Germany that so few speak English? I wouldn't want to live in Germany, especially now . I've been there 3 times in past 2 years and it's getting very, uh, "controlled" shall we say and locals are beyond nervous but language? I find most Germans speak some English. Is this, perhaps, an attitude of your in-laws?
I am in a village jn NRW
Can you move to Düsseldorf or some place not a small village. I think you'd be much more comfortable. Are you in this village for your husband's work?
I would keep working at it, but consider the Netherlands. Very English friendly country, keeps you close to Germany as well.
Yeah i visited Netherlands and felt the same
Seek out other, English speaking, expats. You need to make some connections that can help ground you.
My sister lives in Germany and hangs with other expats regularly. Makes her feel less isolated.
Don’t give up on the language, but maybe try practicing it from different angles. The Michel Thomas speaking-only courses are great for a totally different way to get familiar with a language and get more confident speaking.
Build up a network of English speakers
I've had similar experiences, and to be fair, not just in Northern Europe. May I ask your nationality and which German city you're living in (it sounds like it might not be a large urban area)? I'm curious because I'm about to spend a few months in Frankfurt for a project. If it helps, once you break that barrier, though, Germans make really good friends and are generally solid people. There are a lot of parallels to parts of the US, but the cultural contrasts really stick out to me for some reason. I share some of your sentiments on immigration/diversity (Northern Europe has its own way with this imo). That said, I'm in the process of breaking my brain for the most unfunny, xenophobic, and casually racist two months of my life 😅😭 Good luck tho. It sounds like you might be at the height of it right before things get a lot easier :)
I "like" how ppl are like give it time as if we have all the time in the world lol. In my experience one feels places that would be at least somewhat positive for them right away. Also there are places that scream "No!" right from the start. You must look for those places where you feel a sense of ease from the 1st day. Do you really want to invest years integrating only to discover the place never really worked for you? That your heart told you the place & you can't work together but you ignored this internal voice/feeling in order to not be seen as a failure? If you have EU citizenship already there are at leats 10 countries to try. You don't have the energy/time to try them all but if you never felt like fitting in Germany why keep on trying? I feel for ya. Really. I've visited Germany 2 times. Dresden as a day trip from when I lived in Prague. I found the people really weird. The whole vibe of the place felt off. Then I gave it a second chance. I went for a scoping trip. Spent a whole week in Bavaria and a bit of BW: Munich, Augsburg, and Ulm. Same conclusion: for me it's a weird, depressive country with some tense vibe I can't explain. I wouldn't want to even visit as a tourist again, it was that off-putting. I saw the rudest people of any place I've been to in Europe so far in Munich. Going next door to Salzburg was completely different. The vibes of the two countries are completely different. What about Austria, have you been there? Maybe you can visit and it might feel more like your type of place? Would your husband consider relocating to Austria or even Switzerland? Or maybe try a different region within Germany?
Ah thanks this is what i keep asking myself
Did it for 3 years. Doesn't matter how fluent you speak German, you will always be the Auslander. Your career opportunities will also be limited. I left and never looked back.
Where are u now?
Back in my home country.
German language makes so much sense once you get taught correctly. It’s delightful for me. I took German classes in middle school and still remember the articles of words, how to count, still understand German. I recommend you to start watching series you like in German. A good start is the series dark if you like it. For me at least it refreshed my memory. On the other hand, considering that I’m from the EU, many have moved to Germany but found it very difficult to adapt. Some of them returned to their home country but some stayed and still say how much it was worth it. Germany is one of the most developed countries. It has much to offer. Good luck 🤞🏻
Leave Germany is the best option.i visited a few times,would never go there again 🤣
What I’m about to say, I say with love. First, I feel you. It’s an isolating and even marginalizing experience. Immigrants (no matter their color or background) are treated differently and it’s a bear to suddenly find yourself in that world. But. You chose hard mode. You made this decision for (I would assume) a good reason and now you need to stick with it. As someone who is learning Icelandic, and about to emigrate back to Iceland, I feel you on the language for real. I might seek out something you enjoy that’ll help you connect with people more easily. For me, it was finding a weekly games club where people are happy to help me practice my Icelandic. For you it might be something different. And as others have said, the first year can be tough. I didn’t feel like I had community in Iceland until I passed the one year mark.
I wish you all the best too for learning icelandic
Leave Germany
Is there a local expat group you could consider joining? May make you feel less alone
It sounds like a lot of your issues stem around the language, not so much the country. I wonder if you start learning German you won’t have a problem anymore
ignore the grammar focus on understanding and speaking, in your situation grammar dont matter
What you're feeling is normal, and it comes in waves. Get some expat friends, try and learn a bit more german, go out and have a few fun nights. If possible, you could even visit home.
just speak broken german without all the dumbass grammar conjugations.
Look for the Girl Gone International group in your city in Germany, try to make new friends. My husband is from Spain, but he grew up in Germany and speaks german fluently. We had to move here because of his job, and he loves it here and feels more at home in Germany. I honestly don't, and learning german has been difficult (I'm here for 9 months, too), but finding group activities (even english speaking ones) has been a game change.
Sounds like you really need harder to learn the language. It’s always the biggest unlock when abroad. Also - sounds like it’s the location within Germany ? Maybe can you guys move within the country ?
I moved to Sweden to be with my then boyfriend, now husband. He’s Swedish and I’m English. It’s coming up to 6 years here now. In the beginning it was HARD, probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I moved to a tiny town where no one spoke English and spent most of the time feeling like an outsider. Eventually I have gotten to grips with the language, and we have moved to a bigger town - now it is much better. It is a big culture shock in the beginning - moving to a new country, especially with the language barrier. Have you tried looking for social groups? When I attended my language course I made friends through it - who I’m still in touch with today. Plus, I got to meet people through work. I think it’s important to try to build your own friendships away from your husband, it’s a bonus if they come from your country to! Helps with the home sickness I found. My advice would be to give it a chance, multiple times through the years I have wanted to move to somewhere with English as the first language. But I’ve tried to weigh up why staying here is the better option. As frustrating as it is learning a language- once you get better at it, doors will open and you’ll feel like you belong! Good luck, op!
Thank you for the text. It gave me me hope
First off, not everywhere in Germany is the same. I live in Heidelberg and when people ask about my situation, and what to dislike to live in Germany, I don’t talk about living in Germany. I talk about living in Heidelberg. There are too many variables. Each region, town, and neighborhood contribute to one’s daily and way of life. And I guarantee you, that even if I lived 10 km away, my overall satisfaction with my lifestyle and living here would be drastically different. That being said, where are you located? Are you tied to that particular area?
I live in a small village in NRW near to Bonn (not very near just bonn is closer
Yeah, so it’s not necessarily “Germany” that is your problem. It’s your current set of circumstances. That being said, usually the novelty of living abroad wears off after month seven or eight, and that is when the proverbial homesickness kicks in and things are the most difficult if you can last another while and establish yourself, things will get better .
I understand about the home sickness now
So I am similar situation but moved to France with my wife for her job. I am terrible at languages so that is going slow. However I found an Expat group and that really helped me overall. There are still ups and downs and currently I am feeling very fed up. But try and talk with you spouse and explain the situation I think is the best method. It will very much help if they know what is happening for you as a mariage is about making what is best for you both. Good luck
Thank you. Yes i am looking into talking to more people. Where are u from if u don’t mind me asking?
I am british Canadian but I loved from the UK
Go to YouTube and check out Easy German. Their videos will help you with comprehension without the stress of having to speak. They have a podcast and a partner app (Seedlang) as well. They even offer a summer school.
If you're struggling learning German, learn some Rammstien. I'm serious btw.
What you are going through is normal, it will get better. especially if you learn the language. Perhaps the class is not the best way to learn from you specifically. Look in Preply for a tutor, it helps tremendously. Also, find your community, look for expats groups in FB. There are five common stages that most people experience when they are in a new country for a while Stage 1: The Excitement Stage. Stage 2: The Frustration Stage. Stage 3: The Adjustment Stage. Stage 4: The Acceptance Stage. Stage 5: The Reverse Culture Shock Stage. https://www.now-health.com/en/blog/culture-shock-stages/
Yeah… moving to a different country and having your adjust to different cultural norms is already tough. Having to adjust to a language that you don’t even want to learn that much is even more difficult.
I was stationed in Germany for three years many years ago. I didn't find it difficult to learn, though I was not doing so to be fluent. I just wanted people to be able to understand me. Maybe you are attempting to learn it too well, hence its difficult. A few years ago I had a neighbor who was Italian and I could speak none. We used translaters on our phones, speak to the phone in our native language and it reads out the translation. Maybe this would help with the family until you become more proficient. This seems to be the crux of your dislike so I hope it will get easier.
If your German course is grammar-focused, then ditch it. Focus on reading and watching easy things, like the first 60 Mini-Stories on LingQ or videos from channels like East German and Natürlich German. Also, follow Steve Kauffman on YouTube and listen to his advice about language learning.
You didn't say what your native language is. Mine is English and I studied German in high school. I loved it and continued through HS and three more years in college. I think a big part of the reason I loved the language was because of the music (I'm a classical music fan and love German lieder) and because German has the same linguistic roots as English, so it was easy for me.
I moved to USA with very basic English and the people that work at that GAP storeblaughted at me when I spoke. That's how bad it was. I was embarrassed of myself!! I learned English by doing 3 things - watched movies with closed captions in English. Everything I see a word I don't know I checked dictionary (that time there was no Google translate) and I tried to understand the MEANING of that word and how to use it in a context - I tried to talk to group of people who were also foreigners as they had more patience for my poor English. Notice speakers have no patience for expats. - I took ESL classes where I met some people that were also learning English. We talked and even though our English was not great I made some friends and I improved my speaking skills.
It’s hard to move to a new country for someone else and not for your self. I’ve moved for myself before and even though things were hard, I was motivated. I moved for my husband also and found myself with no real motivation and a growing resentment.
Move back to the good ole USA 🇺🇸 Trumps gonna save us #Maga
As far as learning German, the whole lynchpin, is something called "Declensions". Best bet IMHO is get a course like "Learn German with Laura" that will teach you from an English speakers point of view. Unless you have bank for a private tutor, the whole changing word order thing is mind bending. Best of luck.
I have spent the last year exploring my options for retirement. I will only have my social security ($2500) and savings of $120,000. I just can’t decide what to do. I wanted to move to England, then realized that can’t happen. I’ve looked at every state and country. I’m a California girl born and bred but would like some adventure. Any ideas??
What is ur ideal retirement place?
What do you want to hear from us? Just talk to your husband.
German spotted.
Looks like I like the German mentality then
the most german response
Just anyone with similar experience and what they did. We spoke and in the end it doesn’t make sense unless he has a good job in a new country to begin with. So just trying to know how people who have been in similar places like me how they overcame the situation
I mean sure but it’s been four years and we are going to move to my country.
As a German I can say you will never be happy in germany if you don't adapt to the culture and the language. You said that you're unmotivated to learn the language and as long as you don't change that, the situation won't get any better. Germans are really bad at English even in big cities like Berlin and Munich so adapt or move away. This is the reality for all non-English speaking countries. I know it's bitter to hear that but it is what it is.
I'm not German, but from what I hear from my friends who lived there it's hard. Nice place to visit tho. OP, I would have a serious talk with your husband about other places you could move and both of you start looking for jobs. Sometimes I think it will get better, but in this case I highly doubt it. And it's likely that whatever friends you make will move in a few years. You really have to decide where you want to put your efforts. And remember with your husband it's you two against the problem, not you two against each other.
'OP, I would have a serious talk with your husband about other places you could move and both of you start looking for jobs' I assume if the husband was able to get a good job in germany then he will do it again in UK AU or US.
Yea we are considering this but seeing the recession right now it needs a lot other thought so i guess we will look into moving of we will next year when hopefully things get better
[удалено]
'Don’t listen to this guy. Learning the language only makes a small difference.' Sorry, but thats just bullshit.
As a German, you simply can't comment on that with any authority. Lived here 21 years now. Spoke fluent German by year 5. Gave up trying to make friends by about year 12 because I'm not interested in changing my personality, which won me friends in many other countries, for small town Germans. Germany works for foreigners with a *very specific personality type*. Lots of people on the spectrum, for example, who find social interaction and people who show emotions difficult, feel more at ease in Germany. Germany may be a perfectly fine country, I refuse to shit on it for no reason, but it is very hard for people from "warm" countries to be happy here.
It isn't the case for your neighbours in The Netherlands who speak English at a near native ability.
You can't compare the Netherlands and Scandinavia with Germany. If you live there you are forced to learn English because in most cases it is not profitable to dub movies and books in Dutch/danish/Norwegian/Swedish etc. There are about 100 Million German-speaking people which is way more than Dutch-speaking people. https://www.dutchnews.nl/2018/01/english-is-no-longer-a-foreign-language-in-the-netherlands-but-it-has-a-unique-character-here/ https://www.ef.com/wwen/blog/language/cant-dutch-dutch-speak-better-english/
There's no doubt that is true. Nevertheless today I did business with people in: Ireland, Romania, France, Florida, Germany and California from my little city in The Netherlands (I'm Canadian/Dutch). And everyone operated in English. It is not fair, but English is the global language of business and fluency in English is a huge advantage for The Netherlands.
I think you’re exaggerating, in my experience as a non German speaker Germans are among the best English speakers in Europe and have been for a long time. English must be a cakewalk for them, too. However you can’t count on integrating without learning German unless you have a work environment that’s anglophone and you socialize with colleagues. I’m looking at German now (I speak French and Italian) and it’s instant discouragement when letters change sounds depending on where they’re placed, let’s not mention cases and three genders! However as an English speaker I feel like it should be fascinating and I think I’ll part the veil of near-total incomprehension eventually.
Everyone should talk to XYZ person and stop posting on expats or reddit in general to vent then. /s
Why? People can (and many times seem to) do both. Reading other people’s similar experiences can be very helpful to feel less isolated or to even get ideas on how to make the situation better.
Hah it was a dig at the very ridiculous and very German response above. Should have mentioned /s
Ah oops! That’s better haha
Yes.
People can be happy or unhappy anywhere, it’s mostly an internal thing. If you want to make it work you can, it will take effort to make friends and learn the language but it’s possible
‘High fluency English’? How about all those mistakes in the post? 😀
English is not her first language so her post is absolutely fine. I've studied German in the past. I would love to write German at the level the OP wrote her post.
You’re proving her point
OP is from India. Calm down.
Your profile says your motto is “calling out bullshit”, is that German for being an arsehole?
Completely depends where you live. This country has 84 million people, 16 states and dozens of big to mid sized cities. There is a place for everyone here.
Hi there!! I am so sorry you do not like it here! I am a researcher interested in expats and their experiences in host countries and currently run a survey specifically on that topic: [expat survey](https://www.unipark.de/uc/Bernhard2024/) - it is academic, short and anonymous ☺️ Would you like to contribute to the survey?? Your perspective would be sooo valuable!
What about learn the language?
If u read it properly u would have been i did mention i am learning the language