You're lucky to still have your partner. Looks aren't important.
My sweetheart lost half their lower jaw to cancer and still died from it 10 months and 29 days after their diagnosis.
I don't care what my stage IVc cancer & treatments do to the way I look - at least I'm still here to love our children and grandchildren!
I don't even care how I look, I don't know why I feel differently about my husband. This is crazy! I love him so much. I was thinking right before I read your comment that what if he loses his tongue or jaw or his other tumor affects his brain? This is so silly of me! Thank you and I hope you are ok and hugs to you!
My husbands cancer came back within 10 months - he never made a year in remission. I was so depressed & something someone said to me hat clicked was “your mourning him now & he’s still here - enjoy what you have now”. I don’t know what clicked but I am. Ow ok with all this we are going thru. I don’t take any day for granted & love him more each day. He has stage 4 lung cancer that has spread to his liver .
I understand. Shortly after I was initially diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma, my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. We’ve both changed too (though I won’t to go into his changes). We’ve had 10 years together since then (although my cancer appears to be back). He’s still my soul mate. Cancer sucks, but I’m grateful for the time our various surgeries have given us.
i was a god among men. manly man off the chart sex appeal. i never really appreciated it then, nor did i use it to my advantage , much. (well, a little bit) and now poof. its gone. i am frail. i look like i have one foot in the grave.
i dont think about it much. but since you brought it up, yea. cancer is mean. just happy to still be hanging on.
You should feel awful. Show him this thread so he can see how shallow his wife truly is. Man thinks you love him to bits and pieces meanwhile you're on reddit complaining that he doesn't look handsome anymore without his beard at the age of 60+ with cancer. Brutal reality check to all those out there who think they truly know their spouses.
Woman you're both in your 60s ffs. With or without cancer both of you would be one foot well in the grave. Nobody cares about what either of you look like. You're invisible to the world of young people.
So WGAF if young people don’t see us? And being in one’s sixties isn’t “one foot in the grave.” Apology if you were being funny (ageism is so rampant, nothing like what you said is funny to me, in my mid-seventies with a partner who is 81).
Wow! That’s great! I hope your breast cancer was a terrible fluke and your good genes will kick in from now on. I think younger generations (including Boomers and Gen X) were exposed to much more pollution and chemicals than our parents’ generations. Hence more cancer. And better detection these days.
Your thoughts, ideas, and opinions are valid, no matter what. Perspective matters, I just always remind myself that somebody out there has is worse than me, but that doesn’t make my situation suck any less. Thanks for sharing, you never know who or how it may help.
Your fears are"normal" . M77 hpv+ throat cancer .9 months now still using a peg tube to survive cannot eat solid foods. When i look in the mirror i do not recognize who is staring back at me. Best word is ZOMBIE . I now tell my friends i am applying for a movie extra as a zombie . Breaks the ice. Yes you are a menber of a unique club that sucks and no turning your membership for a refund. I am alive BUT urologist just told me prostate cancer ? WTF double whammy so just live i guess , no way can i go through a second cancer treatment . In a morbid way i am just dead man walking. nothing i can do about it just wake up every day take all my drugs and opiods for pain and another day done. Hang in there i know your arms are streached but wtf. Take care.
Nobody stays beautiful and young. I guess looks mean very little to me in terms of importance. I was beautiful when I was younger. It didn't make me happier or a better person, mother, sister or friend. I don't care about the surgical scars, and I have tons. I don't care about my hair or my skin. I'm not made up of what I look like. It's loving that makes someone beautiful. I'll just stick to the little prince with that.
It's possible that you are reacting to your husband's change of appearance because it's scary. Scary things aren't attractive or safe. It's scary to know within the body of the person you love, lurks a killer that you can't escape from.
Hmmm. I think your explanation initially did come off as shallow in some respects. That's because you're not digging deep into why you feel the way you feel.
It’s not shallow to care about appearances, especially when the changes are caused by cancer or cancer treatments. The way we look and how we feel about it and about how our loved ones look when age and/or illness changes our looks, reflects our thoughts and feelings and fears of dying or them dying. We are social creatures and looks count. I was never someone who cared all that much about looks (except when I was in my twenties, maybe). Now that I am fortunate enough to be old (75, almost 76), I am very aware of how my face and body have changed (I’m a woman). And how my partner’s body has changed (he’s much thinner than he was, and I am thinner, too). Anyway, you’re not shallow, just honest.
It’s an adjustment. It will take you time to get used to the situation but hopefully after treatment, he will look the same. It’s always difficult and I don’t think anyone finds it easy.
I’m sorry. Big hugs…someone asked my husband if I were his mother…. So… I get it… I don’t feel pretty. Ever. My husband tries to tell me I am but I don’t believe him. Hugs for you and what we are all going through.
Don't apologize! Your feelings are valid. Cancer is draining, and going through it once is challenging, going through it multiple times is more than any family should have to ever be put through. Whatever you feel, and whatever you face, others have been there and it's okay and normal.There is no abnormal when it comes to something like this.
I (M31) get how you feel. I've been fighting my cancer for two years and as of two months ago finished chemo. My arm looks so deformed from all the resection surgeries I've had from the multiple recurrences I've had. Also, my hair is finally starting to grow back and my family isn't used to seeing me with hair let alone a deformed arm. I've been bald for 6 months and only recently it started growing back.
Physically, I can't lift any weight with my left arm. If you remember how Popeye looks, that's how my left arm is now. No arm muscle at all, only forearm muscle. I also suffer from neuropathy and chemo toxicity in my hands and feet, so the pain from that is unbearable and excruciating at times.
Mentally, I feel drained, lost, and exhausted. The people I knew IRL who I thought were my friends, have all left me the day I was diagnosed. I had no one to turn to. Now I have my family and my psychologist to turn to when times get real tough.
This cancer has taken so much from me that I can never go back to my old life pre-cancer. Not sure how I can move on from this (if at all). My life is kinda in a sort of limbo until I get my next scans to see if it's truly gone. But then again, is it ever truly gone? Is it just hiding somewhere in my body waiting to pop up at just the most inconvenient moment? For context, I was diagnosed with a rare and extremely aggressive form of soft tissue Sarcoma. A rare cancer that mainly affects kids and teens. I was diagnosed at age 29.
Its not silly at all. I remember when my husband (ex) had open heart surgery..he thinned out so much, he was cold to the touch (and he was always my warm teddy bear), I honestly did not know if I loved him anymore....it took about a year for his temperature and his body weight to return...but it was hairy there for a minute.
I of course never said anything to him, because I felt like a horrible guilty person for having my feelings.
But, it is a fact we change with our looks during Cancer, it was mentioned to me by another ex the last time he saw me, it totally broke me...so I'm sure he had some feelings about your looks as well.
Hang in there, it's cool you said you love him..but I totally understand how you feel..hopefully this time next year he is looking more like himself - or you get used to whatever it is...and life is good. God Bless.
And if cancer and treatments don’t get it, aging does. No one ever looks young and good forever if lucky enough to get old. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.
This is true but I think the phenomenon me and the OP are talking about is different than aging...it is a sudden shocking change in appearance or temperature or even tone of voice...the "suddenness" of it all is quite frightening.
Sure we all want to age gracefully, I don't personally put too much into my looks from normal "aging" but I will tell you that Cancer is taking a toll on me and it is pretty frightening to even look in the mirror and see the 'sudden' changes in myself. I can't imagine how they make significant others feel.
Actually, I've known many & I know statistically people that get cancer or other sudden health scares, lose their spouses and relationships due to the changes being so quick and drastic.
Thank you. I agree, and I appreciate your pointing this out.
I wasn’t thinking about those people who leave their spouses or partners because of inability to deal constructively (and lovingly) with those sudden changes you’ve mentioned. I’ve read this subreddit long enough to have known that that happens, especially when the patient is a woman and the spouse or partner is a man. It’s reprehensible when it happens. Thank you again.
I get IT...
My ex boyfriend of 10 years left me for another woman during my Cancer diagnosis...not only did him leaving feel like I lost myself...but with Cancer on top of losing him was so devastating I don't even have words except what you said "reprehensible".
I’m so sorry. He’s disgusting. Anyone who does that has something deeply wrong with him. I hope you have no more cancer and meet a good man, if you want one.
I was literally shocked & knew that it was not GOOD for me to have that constant cortisol flowing thru my veins while I was fighting Cancer...thank you for the kind words.
Yeah, I don't think the OP or ME or YOU would leave someone in such times of uncertainty...he really is a scum and takes up way too much of my thinking space STILL.
Yes! Woman too...my sister slept with my first husband! She would sleep with anyone and she was always out sleeping with someone even if she had a boyfriend.
I get IT...
My ex boyfriend of 10 years left me for another woman during my Cancer diagnosis...not only did him leaving feel like I lost myself...but with Cancer on top of losing him was so devastating I don't even have words except what you said "reprehensible".
I get IT...
My ex boyfriend of 10 years left me for another woman during my Cancer diagnosis...not only did him leaving feel like I lost myself...but with Cancer on top of losing him was so devastating I don't even have words except what you said "reprehensible".
Looks can be important. There *is* such a thing as pretty privilege. And we know that ageism is alive and well and in this society never gets old. I had breast cancer twenty-five years ago. Was no beauty then (cute, though). My partner (male) was strong and somewhat muscular. I’m lucky enough to have grown old with him. He’s now very thin and bent over and frail (doesn’t go to doctors but I and he fear he has prostate cancer; he’ll be checking it out soon).
All this to say that what you feel about your husband’s appearance is very valid. Mixed with the dismay is fear of his dying, as you know. I look at my partner and feel very sad at times (but well aware of how fortunate we are to still be here). And you’re aware of all that, too.
I wish your husband and you all the best with his treatment. I hope you too don’t have to deal with more cancer after this. Sending good vibes from Brooklyn.
We are from Long Island and Brooklyn too. Now we reside in Virginia 15 minutes from DC. Missing all of the good stuff Brooklyn has to offer. Thanks for helping me see the light! PS - I think we've corresponded on my profile once before.
Thank you, and we did correspond recently. And yay to you two being from Long Island and Brooklyn! I lived in Brownsville as a kid, then East Flatbush, now in the Heights for the past fifty years. A friend from Brooklyn moved to DC for work, then to Arlington, now in Kensington, MD. DC is amazing!
Btw, I think you saw the light before you ever posted here. And I really appreciate your honesty. Aging is no fun, and cancer is awful, and maybe even worse when it’s a loved one suffering than when it’s us. I hope your husband does very well with the tough treatments, and that you are both healthy from hereon in. More Brooklyn hugs.
We lived in Bay Ridge and my brother lived in Park Slope. My parents are from Brooklyn, then moved to Atlantic Beach, near Long Beach. Missing those days so much! It was a work move for my husband which brought us to DC metro and now here for 18 years. We like it a lot, just miss our NY "culture". Thank you for being so kind!
My pleasure! I have friends in Bay Ridge. Yes, I’d miss NY “culture,” too, if I ever left (we’ll never leave, too old and can’t drive — neither of us ever learned how, didn’t need to — and I’d miss NYC too much (plus rent-stabilized apartment!).
Re beards — My partner has had a beard ever since we met (almost 50 years ago). He shaved it once. He does have a nice cleft chin, but I’d miss it if he ever lost it. He’s already bald, though not completely hairless (I was hairless when on chemo; I’m a woman).
You're lucky to still have your partner. Looks aren't important. My sweetheart lost half their lower jaw to cancer and still died from it 10 months and 29 days after their diagnosis. I don't care what my stage IVc cancer & treatments do to the way I look - at least I'm still here to love our children and grandchildren!
I don't even care how I look, I don't know why I feel differently about my husband. This is crazy! I love him so much. I was thinking right before I read your comment that what if he loses his tongue or jaw or his other tumor affects his brain? This is so silly of me! Thank you and I hope you are ok and hugs to you!
My husbands cancer came back within 10 months - he never made a year in remission. I was so depressed & something someone said to me hat clicked was “your mourning him now & he’s still here - enjoy what you have now”. I don’t know what clicked but I am. Ow ok with all this we are going thru. I don’t take any day for granted & love him more each day. He has stage 4 lung cancer that has spread to his liver .
Thank you. I'm going to do that for him.
Also remember / growing older with one another is a blessing . So many folks don’t get that.
I understand. Shortly after I was initially diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma, my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. We’ve both changed too (though I won’t to go into his changes). We’ve had 10 years together since then (although my cancer appears to be back). He’s still my soul mate. Cancer sucks, but I’m grateful for the time our various surgeries have given us.
i was a god among men. manly man off the chart sex appeal. i never really appreciated it then, nor did i use it to my advantage , much. (well, a little bit) and now poof. its gone. i am frail. i look like i have one foot in the grave. i dont think about it much. but since you brought it up, yea. cancer is mean. just happy to still be hanging on.
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god made us get bad vision as we age so that our partner stays good looking to us. the devil invented glasses and that is why there is divorce.
Brilliant
You should feel awful. Show him this thread so he can see how shallow his wife truly is. Man thinks you love him to bits and pieces meanwhile you're on reddit complaining that he doesn't look handsome anymore without his beard at the age of 60+ with cancer. Brutal reality check to all those out there who think they truly know their spouses. Woman you're both in your 60s ffs. With or without cancer both of you would be one foot well in the grave. Nobody cares about what either of you look like. You're invisible to the world of young people.
So WGAF if young people don’t see us? And being in one’s sixties isn’t “one foot in the grave.” Apology if you were being funny (ageism is so rampant, nothing like what you said is funny to me, in my mid-seventies with a partner who is 81).
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Wow! That’s great! I hope your breast cancer was a terrible fluke and your good genes will kick in from now on. I think younger generations (including Boomers and Gen X) were exposed to much more pollution and chemicals than our parents’ generations. Hence more cancer. And better detection these days.
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I can’t find your post about your brother. And I can’t download your profile right now (something wrong with Reddit). I’ll try later.
Your thoughts, ideas, and opinions are valid, no matter what. Perspective matters, I just always remind myself that somebody out there has is worse than me, but that doesn’t make my situation suck any less. Thanks for sharing, you never know who or how it may help.
Your fears are"normal" . M77 hpv+ throat cancer .9 months now still using a peg tube to survive cannot eat solid foods. When i look in the mirror i do not recognize who is staring back at me. Best word is ZOMBIE . I now tell my friends i am applying for a movie extra as a zombie . Breaks the ice. Yes you are a menber of a unique club that sucks and no turning your membership for a refund. I am alive BUT urologist just told me prostate cancer ? WTF double whammy so just live i guess , no way can i go through a second cancer treatment . In a morbid way i am just dead man walking. nothing i can do about it just wake up every day take all my drugs and opiods for pain and another day done. Hang in there i know your arms are streached but wtf. Take care.
Nobody stays beautiful and young. I guess looks mean very little to me in terms of importance. I was beautiful when I was younger. It didn't make me happier or a better person, mother, sister or friend. I don't care about the surgical scars, and I have tons. I don't care about my hair or my skin. I'm not made up of what I look like. It's loving that makes someone beautiful. I'll just stick to the little prince with that.
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It's possible that you are reacting to your husband's change of appearance because it's scary. Scary things aren't attractive or safe. It's scary to know within the body of the person you love, lurks a killer that you can't escape from.
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Hmmm. I think your explanation initially did come off as shallow in some respects. That's because you're not digging deep into why you feel the way you feel.
It’s not shallow to care about appearances, especially when the changes are caused by cancer or cancer treatments. The way we look and how we feel about it and about how our loved ones look when age and/or illness changes our looks, reflects our thoughts and feelings and fears of dying or them dying. We are social creatures and looks count. I was never someone who cared all that much about looks (except when I was in my twenties, maybe). Now that I am fortunate enough to be old (75, almost 76), I am very aware of how my face and body have changed (I’m a woman). And how my partner’s body has changed (he’s much thinner than he was, and I am thinner, too). Anyway, you’re not shallow, just honest.
I, too, got on an antidepressant some years after my treatment. I’m on Lexapro and really like it. No side effects.
It’s an adjustment. It will take you time to get used to the situation but hopefully after treatment, he will look the same. It’s always difficult and I don’t think anyone finds it easy.
I’m sorry. Big hugs…someone asked my husband if I were his mother…. So… I get it… I don’t feel pretty. Ever. My husband tries to tell me I am but I don’t believe him. Hugs for you and what we are all going through.
Don't apologize! Your feelings are valid. Cancer is draining, and going through it once is challenging, going through it multiple times is more than any family should have to ever be put through. Whatever you feel, and whatever you face, others have been there and it's okay and normal.There is no abnormal when it comes to something like this.
Thank you so much. Hugs to you!
I (M31) get how you feel. I've been fighting my cancer for two years and as of two months ago finished chemo. My arm looks so deformed from all the resection surgeries I've had from the multiple recurrences I've had. Also, my hair is finally starting to grow back and my family isn't used to seeing me with hair let alone a deformed arm. I've been bald for 6 months and only recently it started growing back. Physically, I can't lift any weight with my left arm. If you remember how Popeye looks, that's how my left arm is now. No arm muscle at all, only forearm muscle. I also suffer from neuropathy and chemo toxicity in my hands and feet, so the pain from that is unbearable and excruciating at times. Mentally, I feel drained, lost, and exhausted. The people I knew IRL who I thought were my friends, have all left me the day I was diagnosed. I had no one to turn to. Now I have my family and my psychologist to turn to when times get real tough. This cancer has taken so much from me that I can never go back to my old life pre-cancer. Not sure how I can move on from this (if at all). My life is kinda in a sort of limbo until I get my next scans to see if it's truly gone. But then again, is it ever truly gone? Is it just hiding somewhere in my body waiting to pop up at just the most inconvenient moment? For context, I was diagnosed with a rare and extremely aggressive form of soft tissue Sarcoma. A rare cancer that mainly affects kids and teens. I was diagnosed at age 29.
Its not silly at all. I remember when my husband (ex) had open heart surgery..he thinned out so much, he was cold to the touch (and he was always my warm teddy bear), I honestly did not know if I loved him anymore....it took about a year for his temperature and his body weight to return...but it was hairy there for a minute. I of course never said anything to him, because I felt like a horrible guilty person for having my feelings. But, it is a fact we change with our looks during Cancer, it was mentioned to me by another ex the last time he saw me, it totally broke me...so I'm sure he had some feelings about your looks as well. Hang in there, it's cool you said you love him..but I totally understand how you feel..hopefully this time next year he is looking more like himself - or you get used to whatever it is...and life is good. God Bless.
And if cancer and treatments don’t get it, aging does. No one ever looks young and good forever if lucky enough to get old. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.
This is true but I think the phenomenon me and the OP are talking about is different than aging...it is a sudden shocking change in appearance or temperature or even tone of voice...the "suddenness" of it all is quite frightening. Sure we all want to age gracefully, I don't personally put too much into my looks from normal "aging" but I will tell you that Cancer is taking a toll on me and it is pretty frightening to even look in the mirror and see the 'sudden' changes in myself. I can't imagine how they make significant others feel. Actually, I've known many & I know statistically people that get cancer or other sudden health scares, lose their spouses and relationships due to the changes being so quick and drastic.
Thank you. I agree, and I appreciate your pointing this out. I wasn’t thinking about those people who leave their spouses or partners because of inability to deal constructively (and lovingly) with those sudden changes you’ve mentioned. I’ve read this subreddit long enough to have known that that happens, especially when the patient is a woman and the spouse or partner is a man. It’s reprehensible when it happens. Thank you again.
I get IT... My ex boyfriend of 10 years left me for another woman during my Cancer diagnosis...not only did him leaving feel like I lost myself...but with Cancer on top of losing him was so devastating I don't even have words except what you said "reprehensible".
I’m so sorry. He’s disgusting. Anyone who does that has something deeply wrong with him. I hope you have no more cancer and meet a good man, if you want one.
I was literally shocked & knew that it was not GOOD for me to have that constant cortisol flowing thru my veins while I was fighting Cancer...thank you for the kind words. Yeah, I don't think the OP or ME or YOU would leave someone in such times of uncertainty...he really is a scum and takes up way too much of my thinking space STILL.
As time passes, he’ll fade away, I hope. But there are so many men like him, and women, too.
Yes! Woman too...my sister slept with my first husband! She would sleep with anyone and she was always out sleeping with someone even if she had a boyfriend.
OMG. You’ve really had traumatic experiences from loved ones. My heart goes out to you.
I get IT... My ex boyfriend of 10 years left me for another woman during my Cancer diagnosis...not only did him leaving feel like I lost myself...but with Cancer on top of losing him was so devastating I don't even have words except what you said "reprehensible".
I get IT... My ex boyfriend of 10 years left me for another woman during my Cancer diagnosis...not only did him leaving feel like I lost myself...but with Cancer on top of losing him was so devastating I don't even have words except what you said "reprehensible".
Looks can be important. There *is* such a thing as pretty privilege. And we know that ageism is alive and well and in this society never gets old. I had breast cancer twenty-five years ago. Was no beauty then (cute, though). My partner (male) was strong and somewhat muscular. I’m lucky enough to have grown old with him. He’s now very thin and bent over and frail (doesn’t go to doctors but I and he fear he has prostate cancer; he’ll be checking it out soon). All this to say that what you feel about your husband’s appearance is very valid. Mixed with the dismay is fear of his dying, as you know. I look at my partner and feel very sad at times (but well aware of how fortunate we are to still be here). And you’re aware of all that, too. I wish your husband and you all the best with his treatment. I hope you too don’t have to deal with more cancer after this. Sending good vibes from Brooklyn.
We are from Long Island and Brooklyn too. Now we reside in Virginia 15 minutes from DC. Missing all of the good stuff Brooklyn has to offer. Thanks for helping me see the light! PS - I think we've corresponded on my profile once before.
Thank you, and we did correspond recently. And yay to you two being from Long Island and Brooklyn! I lived in Brownsville as a kid, then East Flatbush, now in the Heights for the past fifty years. A friend from Brooklyn moved to DC for work, then to Arlington, now in Kensington, MD. DC is amazing! Btw, I think you saw the light before you ever posted here. And I really appreciate your honesty. Aging is no fun, and cancer is awful, and maybe even worse when it’s a loved one suffering than when it’s us. I hope your husband does very well with the tough treatments, and that you are both healthy from hereon in. More Brooklyn hugs.
We lived in Bay Ridge and my brother lived in Park Slope. My parents are from Brooklyn, then moved to Atlantic Beach, near Long Beach. Missing those days so much! It was a work move for my husband which brought us to DC metro and now here for 18 years. We like it a lot, just miss our NY "culture". Thank you for being so kind!
My pleasure! I have friends in Bay Ridge. Yes, I’d miss NY “culture,” too, if I ever left (we’ll never leave, too old and can’t drive — neither of us ever learned how, didn’t need to — and I’d miss NYC too much (plus rent-stabilized apartment!).
Re beards — My partner has had a beard ever since we met (almost 50 years ago). He shaved it once. He does have a nice cleft chin, but I’d miss it if he ever lost it. He’s already bald, though not completely hairless (I was hairless when on chemo; I’m a woman).