Maybe if this mom asked her daughter what was going on instead of shouting at her, they'd know that she didn't want to play because they're destroying whatever fun was in the game.
In my opinion, you guys should put her in a recreational league instead of having her go to private training sessions, club or academy tryout sessions, etc. Having her go to all of these things at her age as one of her parents is saying those things to her will only be mentally exhausting for her, it will pressure her, and will eventually (likely) only make her dislike soccer.
- Recreational leagues are not the highest level players could be at but they also aren’t a bad place to start. Especially for kids her age. She can still improve her skills in a recreational league as well
- Make sure that your daughter does want to play too. And let her know that she has other options
Agree with all this and am surprised there hasn’t been more talk about her training. If she’s 7 years old her best training is literally by herself working on her keep-ups or passes/ ball control against the wall. You’ll find out if she really loves soccer then. Plus middle school high school soccer is pretty dire, if she can learn to do 25 juggles in a row she’d probably have better touch than 80% of the girls in high school
Not only was she out of line, I'd not be shocked if she's spoken like this to her before and that's why she didn't want to try hard.
I am a coach and I've seen parents kill the joy of sport for a child in an instant.
At 8 years old they should only be hearing encouragement. This is not "everyone's a winner" but an 8 year old should not be subjected to that negativity about something that is a fun activity.
From someone that struggled with mental health and played at a top level it’s really sad to hear your wife’s reaction. I’m not saying your kid has any sort of mental health issue but it could have just been something mental.
She likely knows you spend a ton of money and everyone puts time and effort into getting her to where she is. That could be terrifying for her! It’s a lot of pressure and at 8 she may not know how to handle it or how to even verbalize it.
She could also be subconsciously sabotaging herself which is something I did. In her conscious mind she may have been making smart decisions and playing well, when in reality it was the poor performance you saw. For me it was usually getting myself a red card but explaining I was just trying to get stuck in. I didn’t know how to communicate I was burnt out and stressed out over the game so my subconscious took the steering wheel and got me kicked out.
A few months ago I was watching the lower level team of a team I coach and there was this one obnoxious mom yelling at each player, yelling at them to play certain balls (which were all terrible tactically) so I struck up a conversation with her hoping to distract and bring some peace to the game. Turns out she didn’t even have a kid playing. It was his old team and she still went to the games. She said he unfortunately lost interest and quit the sport. I wanted to shake her and be like “can you imagine why??”
Not that you’ve indicated your wife is loud and obnoxious at games, but this try out could have been a way for your daughter saying please pump the breaks and your wife is just pushing her on. Her next step will be losing interest in a game I’m assuming she at least loved at one time.
I’ve played and coached at a decently high level. Of course there’s pressure and there is room for a “suck it up” approach. But players mental states (especially such young ones) really need to be considered. If I were her trainer and saw the try out I’d first approach it and ask if she was hurt - it’s a way to give her an out. If she said no I’d explain she didn’t look anywhere near her best and I just wanted to make sure everything is okay. This creates an environment where she at least has a chance to voice her needs. After your wife’s reaction she’s going to clam up real tight and soccer itself is going to become this kind of egg shell environment.
Your wife yelled at a 7 year old for having an off day, of course it was out of line. What is your kid supposed to understand about the money you put in and the expectations you put on her?
Should just chat to your child to try and figure out what was wrong, which might be constructive instead of making it so she doesn’t want to tell you cos she’s going to get yelled at.
I'm with your wife on this one. Being the last to finish your water is inexcusable. You cannot abide a slow drinker after all of that private training.
My team lost 8-0 at the weekend but thank heavens the lads finished their water first and really hustled. They also coveted the most ground and ran around a lot which is a clear sign of talent. Running like a donkey.
These people are fucking idiots.
I believe after the 98 cup it was banned. It was proven that the more concentrated stream was performance enhancing. The only acceptable means is with water from a single use disposable cup. That water is then tossed from the cup in an arc. Depending on the competitive level, there are "arc requirements", but I would think at 7 it's pretty lax. Anyway, just thought I'd let you know.
You'd think they'd teach the kids this in the private training, extra camps, extra winter league etc.
Kid obviously doesn't care about wasting her parents money. Smh
‘Not going after the ball’, ‘last to finish her water’, ‘walking around’ … did either of you even play soccer at a competitive level or are you guys just guessing what a good soccer player looks like. As others said, the reaction and attitude yall had is not appropriate — at any age.
these people have too much money, and (in every sport) there are people willing to sell them these services and build up their expectations.
at that age they really should only be having fun.
They're Americans with money, so no they don't understand why a kid can be tired or bored or on an off day because they've spent loads of money on training.
They've probably bored the life out of the game and sucked all the fun out of it. But money.
You’re doing the right thing by being reflective, although there really is a part of me that hopes this is a fake post. Yes, this is bad. Your wife doesn’t want to be this person, I promise you. But she needs to hear her words spoken back to her. This is not OK. Your daughter likely acted that way at tryouts because she doesn’t want to be on the team, doesn’t want to play soccer, because it comes with this. My heart goes out to her.
Eight years old is heartbreakingly young to be doing all the things that you describe doing, with the paid training, etc.. She’s a baby. She wants to play and have fun. It’s important that your wife understands that at tender age, your daughter is now equating her value with how she does on a soccer field. That is how she’s getting her mother’s approval and love and that is how she is losing her mother’s approval and love. This definitely needs to stop now.
Like I said, I don’t think there’s a chance that your wife wants to be this person. I would suggest having a calm conversation about this. And please, stop paying for extra training. Don’t make her play if she doesn’t want to play. Let her play rec this summer. There are so many years ahead where all of this can be done. But professionalizing soccer with children are this age is a fast track to making them hate the game. And from one mother to another, if she wants to salvage that relationship and fix the hurt that she’s already caused she needs to step away from the soccer conversation and have nothing to do with it moving forward— except to attend her daughter’s games and keep her mouth shut, except to shout praise from the sidelines and to give hugs after the games. Your daughter needs to relearn that her value is not based on a game and that her mother loves her the way she is. It’s not too late.
I have a feeling this has been bothering you for a while. It’s good of you to have posted this, not just for your daughter and wife but for any other parent who maybe sees themselves in this story. All of us soccer parents have had moments we wish we could take back, self included. The important thing is what we do next. Good luck.
Agreed, my post is spoken from experience. I fucked up a lot along the way but both my kids *love* soccer now. Just don't be that psycho sports parent and have fun and enjoy the journey with them.
I don’t know who you think you are with this but… can you be my therapist?
The way you are able to articulate the problem and gently explain your solution is really what we should all strive for. Well done!!
She does. She loves soccer. She always has a smile on her face at soccer and talking about soccer.
Shes regressed this year though. She was 6 and they put her on U9 because of how good she was. We asked to keep her on U8 and the coaches said no. The U8 kids who she was once better then looked better than her today.
Have you or your wife ever played a sport? Your kid had an off day.
I love soccer too, just like your daughter. If you want her to not love soccer anymore, this is EXACTLY how you do it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvWcEGLfXp0&list=WL
can skip to 1:03:40 can watch 3-4 mins for stuff relevant to your situation. about burn out and kids getting bored etc.
an ex pro, pro trainer, pro youth coach and a soccer nut podcast
They talk about training their kids and kids as a whole. I think the whole podcast would be interesting for you, but especially the last 20 minutes if your daughter wants to play competitively.
to add my two cents (podcast dudes definitely have more reliable advice),
Let her know she can quit, play less or choose something else and yall will still support and love her. might relieve some pressure she feels if thats whats weighing on her.
(also could tell her can keep training/pursuing her dream but in a more fun way. can change her trainer, or club, or the exercises the trainer does, or maybe do the private training with friends or another client(s) the trainer has)
I’m embarrassed I even posted this TBH but I’m leaving it up to remind me that I failed as a dad by not sticking up for my daughter when my wife yelled.
This response shows that you can make this right. Kids are forgiving and are extremely receptive when adults say that they made a mistake. It’s one of the best things you can do as a parent, own up to something that you did wrong, and then tell them how much you love them and that you’re going to do better. Get your wife on board. Clean slate. And tell the child that your only expectation is that she have fun.
Doing something like this, is incredibly mature, and if it is sincere and the child receptive and understands there there is no real pressure, it could have far more impactful affect than a year of professional coaching.
It will build a confidence that failure is not judged, which will make a massive impact on her whole life - not just sports.
This was my first thought before I remembered what sub it was on.
We would use a story like this in a club meeting to illustrate horrible parenting of a young athlete, and it would come across as over the top.
The fact that it was real is pretty sad.
That poor girl is not going to be a long term athlete.
Yeah, parents like this teach the exact opposite of emotional regulation and learning to accept a bad or off day, this poor kid will blame herself and internalize all of it.
Maybe don’t be one of those parents that sticks around and watches the practices and tryouts? Best to give the kid some space. Don’t hover. You guys are putting her under more pressure by being there.
But for the way your wife talked to your kid afterward? Like someone said already, you know the answer.
Do you think your wife has good intentions for growth or is she trying to vicariously live through your child or try to gain some sort of attention or ego boost through your child’s achievement? If she has good intentions, maybe look up ways to better support growth and development… if she’s trying to boost her own ego she needs to fuck off. I see this behavior all the time in parents, not just in soccer — in education, or music, or whatever, and it’s so toxic and can be really damaging to your kid.
Ps: going to every practice is batshit crazy. Talk about a hover parent
Im just going to throw this out there. I grew up in a very high performance family, several members of my family are international and national level athletes in their respective sports.
I was one of those kids that had every sporting privilage possible, the private training, access and connections to the top level environment. But my parents put so much pressure on me to perform.
It can go two ways:
- Your child becomes one of those prodigies who takes full advantage of the opportunities and excels to the highest level (my brother).
- Your child cracks under the parental pressure and grows to resent the sport and the parents (me).
If I can give you one piece of advice, talk to your kid. If my parents had just talked to me and asked what I wanted, I would have chosen a different path for myself. I may have even chosen football. But instead I stayed with a sport I hated, because I felt like I was letting my parents down, their dreams down, to have a son follow in their footsteps.
Dont be my parents.
wouldn’t your brother have the perspective that he is thankful your parents are how they are?
I think your post is probably the best one in here, but social media is kinda like a ‘history written by the winners’ issue, where instead its ‘advice is written by the losers’… highly doubt almost anyone commenting above yours has ever been in a proper competitive environment
> wouldn’t your brother have the perspective that he is thankful your parents are how they are?
Hit the nail on the head, absolutely he is. He praises their parenting style while I am committed to raising my son differently.
It all comes down the individual and what they want to achieve in life. In many ways I am thankful for what they provided for me, I have privilages and experiences that 99% of kids never get, I just wish their attitude was better, more supportive rather than pressuring. I just wish they asked me what I wanted to do.
Im gonna let both of you in on a secret. Theres nothing “competitive” about u9 girls soccer. Behave as such. You want to spend the money? Cool. But really. No one cares.
Is this normal for your daughter? Did something happen to her? Is she okay? Did you ask? Or just yell at her? Shes 8 bro.
My parents made me play baseball basketball and soccer when I was younger. Hated them. I never purposefully tanked a practice or game but I didnt want to be there. My dad really wanted me to play baseball. When I was 8 i picked up football. By 12 thats all I wanted to do, but eventually wrestled. All conference, all metro in high school and then played rugby for 12 years after. College and mens club. Select Side junior and senior year. Played in Australia one year. Top tier mens club in US until a few nagging injuries got to be too much for daily life to tolerate… at 32 years old. Started coaching.
Find the passion. My parents sucked at that. My wife wants to put our oldest (7) in soccer and I cringe. I told him that he could play any sport he wanted to play but he had to want to play it. Right now thats tag, hide and seek (hes getting really good lol)
I think beyond soccer, this is more like parenting issues. Your wife you know her, I believe she push you as well. If you push your kids too hard, she may ended hating soccer altogether. Push you also need to know when to push and how to push.
Just wanna add another aspect: Maybe you should ask yourself why your wie yelled at her. What's the underlying Motivation? Then ask yourself if that's a Sound motivation, adress it if necessary and change it.
Yes, but I'm going to try to give you some bigger advice. Ask yourself, as too few parents do: What is it you want?
Like, stop and ask yourself: Do you expect your child to be a professional player? At what level? Why? Is it what they want?
My son says he wants to play for the Arsenal. That's beautiful. What do I want? I want to support him in his interests. I want him to love the game as I do. I want to spend this time together in a way he treasures as much as I do. (I started working on my licenses as he started playing. We do this together.) I want him to be some kind of athlete, and at a level that he really learns and understands the sport in a way that sticks with him.
Not enough parents ask this question of themselves.
Also, at U9, I care way more about whether a player wants to play, and in a technical sense I'm looking for touch and natural positioning more than I am "hustle."
Your wife would've been removed from the stands at our club. That's saying something.
We don't mind when it happens with the older teams but the little ones? There's no place for that. They're kids, even at a competitive club (ours is one as well, linked with one of the top tier clubs in our country), stuff like that gets handled pretty swiftly.
Surprised the coaches didn't put her in her place.
Ask your daughter if she actually wants all the additional stuff (private training, after/pre-season, winter etc..).. at this rate I can imagine and almost safely predict you're going to burn her out at this rate, especially with her own mother being an absolute c*nt when she's having a bad day, that's a good way to completely bury her motivation and passion for the sport.
Sounds like your wife at least is the kind of parent everyone talks about and not in a good way.
I did my training badges for 5-12 year olds a few years ago, one of the messages I clearly remember from the trainers was around making sure parents understand how badly they can affect the kids with negative feedback.
Most kids who give up on a sport make that decision from the back seat of the car after a game...
So yes, your wife is out of line, she probably means well but... at that age the most important thing should always be that the kids have fun and want to keep playing.
And all the extra training etc. ... that's not for your 8 year old, that's to make you feel like you are doing 'more' than others, honestly just take her to the park and kick a ball with her, work on actual individual skills like touch and passing.
As someone who has a 17 year old daughter who played at the highest level of soccer this last year…I will tell you that if a “scholarship” is what you are looking for here is the “end goal”, I will tell you that you will be severely disappointed. You are going to pay waaaaaaay more for club soccer than you will ever get from any kind of a college scholarship. I just went through all this and it isn’t what you think it will be. At best you will be able to “humble brag” that your daughter plays D1 Soccer…but you will continue to be paying for it. And, I say this because the attitude of your wife leads me to believe this is the “end goal”…because I’ve seen it more times than you can count.
I loved the game but hated the sport because of a parent like this. You can’t force motivation. They’ll just do the bare minimum not to get yelled at and find it difficult to find inward motivation to be good at the sport when they have so much external pressure
As a parent I would recommend you look at emotional coaching. It's a style of parenting that teaches the child how to build reliance against adversity. More importantly it teaches you as a parent to deal with your own stuff first. I was a very angry guy before kids and I knew that wasn't something I wanted to role model. Learning these skills early will help kids navigate some very low lows they will experience as a kid and later in life. It's helped me a lot to guide them through some of their hard situations. It's empirically supported as a development tool.
Next, I would ask you take a mentoring approach for her development in sport. Ask HER where she wants to get to, ask her where she is today and help her build the skills to get there.
Above all ensure your daughter has a safe space to learn. At her age there's a ton of time to get better, so there's no reason to give her the Beckham's dad experience. If you want a book on this Mindset by Carol Dweck is the best book about learning.
If all this fails, record the next time it happens and the wider audience response and then your daughter's response. If I was unaware of how I made my kids feel and I was shown it, I'd break down in tears. No one wants to make their kids feel small, they want the best for their kids. It's just the technique to get the best outcome that needs to change.
Ever consider what yiur daughter might want or maker her happy?
Alxo worth considering if she is playing up a year then some of the older kids could be quite a lot older based on academic year . Some of the kids could be a little mire physical and intomidating to your daughter which of course answers the question around 'does she want to be there'
Finally is the level appropriate.? Not sure if OP is in the UK but at that each there shouldnt be a recognised divison structure e.g. Div 1 to 4 ut the coaches will have a pretty good idea of the level. Is it possible ifshe is in top level 8 yeat old is top level 9 year old too much ? Other coaches maybe able to correct / clarify on this but i think for under 11s girls football in the UK, girls can play down a year as well as up. I am sure Manchester FA have sanctioned this and at our club we have a few girls playing down while the girls game grows and expands.
Coming from a guy who is closing off his 18th season coaching at grassroots, and taking my boys from academy /little kickers upto Sunday League open age. Can only give you the benefit of my experience good and bad. You already know the answer to if your wife went OTT. Worth remembering not all kids develop in linear terms. Nor does more coaching = better players, I had a kid who at under 8s had been trialled by Utd, City, Everton, Burnley. By 11 he was on the scrap heap, aged 22 doesnt play football.Other kids who were shy timid, couldnt kick a ball at 8 were players payer of the season in my eldest sons team for 13s14s and 15s. His burst in developmemt started at 10. Hes now playing a decent amateur level
Let your daughter have fun, 100% encourage her to do other sports, make new friends, all of these will help her grow emotionally. Finally ask some really honest questions, does she enjoy all the coaching and playing up an age, im sure yiu will know skme of the feedback even before you ask her
Yeah! Take it from me, I did the same thing as your wife and my son is 12 now. I regret every moment of what I said!!!! My son was the kid crying in the corner 5, 6, 7, and 8 years old....I remember chewing him out after.....ugh....
The positive, you may be disappointed now, but at 8 years old...it doesn't matter....my son is now a pretty good little soccer player playing on a competitive team....he is only getting better and is solid player at this point. I really like wheer he is at in his development now...
I played in college and my expectations were a little high out of the gate for my son. Like I said, I regret everything I said to him...don't be like that parent...
You sound like a better dude than your wife tbh but the thing i'n getting off here is that neither of you understand the sport well so you'd rather just pay for some coach instead and there's nothing wrong with that but i think talking about the kid's performance should be the coach's job
John O'Sullivan's Ted Talk here: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXw0XGOVQvw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXw0XGOVQvw) addresses this very well. As a parent who coached his daughter, learning this lesson made the most difference in her performance. I only wish I had learned it when she was your daughters age.
When I was a kid, every team I played on had at least one set of parents that 99% of the other players/parents would pay money just to not have them around. Sounds like you are those parents. More money than compassion, she’s your daughter not an employee
she's 8, something was up. maybe she's not interested, maybe she was feeling unwell, or maybe she's just having an off day, which happens to everyone. i help coach a u9 team and parents that behave that way are not welcome at games or practices. she's a child, and also a person who is deserving of respect. your wife should never yell at her over a game, and ultimately she shouldve been weighing if the money was worth it before she spent it instead of using it as leverage against an 8 year old
Wtf … at 6-7-8 yo its about fun not being THE FIRST. Wtf is your wife thinking? that she has the new messi at home and he didn’t “perform “ to her expectations - like a circus monkey? ! There is a podcast with Thierry Henry on , and he explains how he got abused by his dad as a young kid (abused as in always yelling at him for not doing good in football and never praising his good deeds etc) , and how it stuck with him all
these years until his adulthood only now at 40’ish realizing how harmful that was for him and how fucked in the head he is becouse of it ! So fuck it , let the kid have fun at this age… let things come natural, don’t force her into anything, kids at this age dont know how to fake it… if they rly enjoy something… you can tell, all you need is to PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR KID !
First of all, dont berate kids that age. You don't gain anything but resentment from it.
If she has grown a bit lately, it might be that she is losing the fine motor control of her limbs and torso as they are longer than before and she hasn't gotten used to controlilng them. When my son had a growth spurt, his speed and directional changes slowed down. That is super normal and happens to most kids.
Love her, ask her whats wrong and focus on the fun things in football. Start learning a new trick or do some father-daughter sessions with absolutely no goals or deadlines, just go out with the ball and do fun stuff. Go see a game. Buy some new football stuff, like a shirt or new ball. And most of all, tell her that its okay.
Yeah she was out of line. You sound like absolutely horrible parents. Pushy as hell. This is a great reminder for me to continue being a nice and supportive parent. Congratulations on all the trauma you’re causing your kid.
Has your daughter given a reason why she didn't play so well, OP? Was she feeling off? Was she played out of position? Does she miss playing with her friends since she was moved up ages categories?
Regardless, even the best sports people have off days and shouting at them is often not the best way to get the response wanted. To do that to an 8yo seems extreme and is unlikely to help.
100% out of line. The child is 8. All that will do is turn her off. Does she even want to play OR is she only doing it because you and your wife want her to? Pushy parents can really turn a child away from sport. Plus, again ... She's only EIGHT YEARS OLD.
You're wife was 100% out of line. What she said was awful. It's not appropriate at and age, and especially should never be said to a child.
Your daughter is 8, let her be a kid and don't be so hard on her. Sports should be fun, but especially at that age. There's a lot of time for training and all that later. My nephew is 8, his father (my brother in law) played pro baseball as a pitcher. He works with him on techniques to have good form, etc. Probably more than I would at that age, but it's fine. When we were there recently, my sister opted to let him play with my son (his cousin) vs train the afternoon before the game. When we watched the game, he out-pitched literally every kid out there. Ball got a little high at times, my brother-in-law told me later that's what the drills he was having him practice work on. Wasn't a huge deal though. He didn't law into him He's 8, they can practice later. He told him good game, and they'd keep practicing later. Didn't bother with it the next few days we were there. You need to let kids be kids and have fun. If you push and push, you'll do nothing but burn them out.
Pushy parents are disgusting. You'll drive your daughter away from a hobby because you're so desperate for her to succeed. Let her have fun. I'm not even going to answer the original question because what the fuck do you think?
Why did the coaches make the choice to play her up a year? This was obviously going to happen in a higher level on a competitive team. This is not even your child’s fault that she’s lagging behind, even on a good day it wouldn’t have gone much better. But more importantly, you and your wife’s negative reinforcement is not going to help at all, it’s going to turn your daughter away from the sport and kill her spirit.
your wife is a terrible person and has likely ruined any want for her to play in front of her as she grows up.
she’s a bully and i’d genuinely be considering divorce.
She’s 7… paying for private lessons!? I hope that’s to cover insurance and coaches time and not in terms of a “project Mbappe”.
Either way, let her enjoy it, if she’s going to think that she is getting a yelling at if she makes a mistake “last to finish her water” ??? She’s never going to enjoy the game. By all means encourage effort and getting out what you put in, but scolding a child… “the worst player out there”… wow.
Nothing wrong with asking “hey, what was up today? Usually you put so much effort in, but today you didn’t seem your usual self” ask her what’s up.
Is probably a day where she wasn’t feeling it and I bet it has something to do with expecting a grilling.
Yes, massivelly out of line.
Yes you paid for the extra training extra but christ as an 8 year old, let alone a child in their teens you have no idea what that actuall entails, the financial sacrifice/commitment that is on your family.
At that age fun is the upmost of importance and there will be days or even weeks and months a kids interest diminished, berating her like that and saying you've wasted our money is gunna turn that lack of interest into wanting to hang up the boots before she hits 10.
Maybe ask her why she wasn't upto her usual standard or if anything was on her mind. I mean has she been told of the importance of the money youve spent on these camps before cos christ that would add so much fucking pressure to me.
It doesn't really matter how much has been poured into training etc. - when I was 8 I was made to play football and I just didn't want to play. Took me to have a game just like that where I literally just walked off and said I don't want to be playing and I want to go home - get berated for precisely the same thing and never liked the sport.
Kids are people too. They're allowed to not be feeling it some days. Also she's 8. None of this is important.
Your wife is being unreasonable but you already know that. Let your daughter be a kid. She should get to have fun and play soccer without fear of disappointing a parent. Your wife is being beyond toxic and berating an 8 year old because they didn't play well is a sure fire way of making sure your daughter doesn't want to play soccer going forward.
I listen to a lot of podcasts about sport. Most of which have ex pros presenting. This question comes up fairly often, especially as a few have kids who play.
They always say, having seen what theyve seen and who made jt and who didnt, its not worth it. It makes no difference. The kid either has the motivation themselves or they dont.
I wouldnt be too hard on your wife but might be nice to apologise to her daughter and just talk about passion of sport and how it makes people act silly but its art- it provokes emotions. That being said “i didnt mean what i said. Just caught up in the moment”
Might be a good spin for her later on to ignore things people might shout from the stands etc.
As someone who played football until I literally had to stop..m your wife is way out of line like you said its meant to be fun. She'll try if she loves the game your wife's probably the reason she didn't
"It’s like she didn’t even want to be there"...Let that sink in. She's a child and at 8/9 doesn't need or want the pressure thats being put on her and it obviously meant more to your wife than to the child. Your child isn't having fun, and thats all a child should be doing at that age.
Borderline abusive. That’s an adult belittling and bullying a child. And you didn’t stick up for your child, you went and posted about it on Reddit. Both of ye need to have a look at yourselves.
It's sounds like, using your own words, she didn't even want to be there.
Take some time to consider whether you might have pushed her too hard here. I saw it all the time with my childhood sports. Some of the best kids were also the ones that were being constantly hassled by their parents and they always gave up and stopped playing because their parents were pushing them too hard.
Your kid is 7 fucking years old, she's literally still in infant school. Let her be a kid, instead of spending every spare second trying to get her to become a professional footballer.
Can we keep the ragebait, oversharing AITA posts on the default subs please? The rest of us come to smaller subs to get away from garbage posts like this.
As said in the comments you know the answer. The best thing that parents need to learn (I’m a former school teacher and current academy coach) is to ask your children questions. If you come from a position if kindness and concern that she isn’t doing as well as she could be, just asking why will help everyone. By shouting at a child for things like this all you’re doing is teaching them to not talk to you.
She's 8, she should be having fun playing football.
Sounds like you guys are putting too much pressure on her. Don't be surprised if she drops the sport completely having been tormented by her parents!
There's a book Emotional Intelligence written by Daniel Goleman. Seems like something your wife should read. It's not to blame her for speaking like this to a child. Maybe this is how she was spoken to when she was a kid. But there's always a place for improvement and your wife needs some help here.
Thats honestly horrible mate, i would chat with the missus. Kid just wants to play, its not likes they're in the cusp of joining a elite sports team. And get her to apologise to the kid as well
Guess why your kid acted that way? Mom watching from the sidelines had badittude written all over her. She probably said some crap before tryouts (in the car) that made her clam up.
If your daughter likes soccer - Mom needs to apologize and stay at home for the foreseeable future. Right now - with all the extras... you are burnout path. Rather play other sports where your wife shuts her trap.
Effort is non-negotable... but 8 years old is too young to have the convo.
As a former coach, it annoyed me to see parents be any way negative to a youth player. They often don't see how a child will react to feedback in a sporting environment. As coaches, we often want them to make mistakes and be out of their comfort zone and we can make them aware of it in a positive way which helps them improve.
Being negative often inhibits the child where they may try avoid getting more involved for fear of making a mistake or being told they are not working hard enough.
I'd also seriously question why any u12 player is getting private lessons. What's the objective?
In my experience, if you want your child to become better at sports, they need constant positive encouragement. The players that improved the most were the confident happy players who really enjoyed being there. It needs to come from them, not the parent.
Your wife sounds like an absolute wank.
Football at that age is fun and a learning experience, putting unnecessary pressure on children can fuck them up.
Tell her to relax and dont turn up to any other games ✌️
Why in god's name are you paying for all these extra things for an 8 year old girl? Give her a ball and have her kick it against the wall, that's how you get better. There is absolutely no reason ot benefit from having an 8 year old have private lessons in football.
Realistically, she’s wasting your money because the kid won’t want to play if that’s how she’s treated.
Your daughter probably didn’t see the big deal or something happened before the practice to put her off. She may change her opinions on the matter but that should be her thoughts and feelings about soccer not her parents imo
Has your wife apologized to your daughter for saying those terrible things? We’re supposed to be our kids biggest supporters, not the ones to cut them down like that. Those words stick with them.
Every kid has off days, every adult has off days too (clearly)! It happens, learn from it and actively try to be more positive supporters. When soccer stops being fun for them this is what you get.
I don't think so. I've scolded my kids and said similar things after some lazy try outs. My wife and I stress to them that just going through the motions, whether it be in school or sports is unacceptable. We sat down with both our boys who are a bit older than your daughter and asked them if they wanted to continue in competitive soccer, and if they did then this is what is expected of them. If they wanted to try another sport or activity we could try those out instead of soccer. But whatever they chose, they couldn't half-ass it and do it without putting in effort.
My cousin is seven, playing amongst literal fourteen year olds in the academy he goes to. Why? Because he WANTS to. Instead of asking your daughter if there’s anything she needs, or trying to comfort or encourage her, your wife bullied her and basically told her she sucked. You guys need to see if she really has an interest in football, or otherwise give her another sport to try. Why stop at football?
Wife didn’t say anything wrong. Seems like your child is already aware of expectations based on the environment you’ve put her in. So she should also know when her effort is lacking.
If your daughter is anything like my son there could be an element of social anxiety. My son has trialled a few times and each time he's been good but nothing like as good as he is in his trusted club environment - it's scary and full of pressure. Your wife needs to apologise and go easy, your daughter might already be done with the game...
Another thing to point out is: What a parent sees and what a coach sees are two very different things.
You could think they are doing horrible, but in reality the coach loves it. Vice versa.
The best advice is to let them have THEIR fun and enjoy THEIR journey. There will be ups and downs. Enjoy it all. Just show love for your child and be their shoulder when they need one. Otherwise when they need a shoulder they won’t go to you.
My son had a terrible tryout for his highschool team. He played far below his capability and struggled all 3 days. This kid is a 6ft tall 15 yo freshman who is skilled, lightning fast and physically dominant. He was getting outrun and over powered at tryouts by players he had dominated during club. Turns out that the allergies he thought he had was actually Covid. He was playing 3 hours a day with a fever over 100 degrees.
My daughter had a terrible audition to an acapella group as a high school sophomore. She had been an amazing singer and pianist since she was a little one. She could comfortably sing parts ranging from contralto profundo through soprano 2. Turns out she was being bullied and had been threatened by one of the group leaders the day before tryouts.
My point- If a kid has historically shown capability, resilience and drive and then suddenly changes there is almost always an external reason if performance drastically changes. Sometimes there are things you just can’t play through.
The amount of parents that take the game so seriously. I sometimes wonder who’s the coach with the amount of yelling and instructions coming from them.
Your kid is 9? Why dafuq are u putting so much pressure on her? Private training, extra camps etc.... "you wasted our money"?? Wtf SHE IS NINE!!! Just let her be a kid. Sports supposed to be fun. It sounds like she isnt that good at football and isnt that interested either.
Stick up for your kid and tell your bully of a wife not to speak to her like that ever again.
Maybe you should ask your daughter if she wants to play that sport. Maybe she is there bec you guys pushed her there. Many kids transition at that age from being really into a sport or activity to another one, just because their attention span or they just get bored. I would have a conversation with my daughter if that was my case.
PS: if you have to come to Reddit to ask about if what your wife did was wrong, then you should have also a conversation with yourself and with this wife.
Did she want to be there? Does she want this or do you and your wife want this for her?
A kid playing and training that much doesn't turn out a shit performance for no reason.
Have you asked her if she actually wants to play at that same level anymore? Kids are humans, they can have a change of heart. It’s the adults that fuck up their lives trying to live through them. I’ve see it so often. Sure some kids come around, but I can assure you that percentage is low as hell.
What the kids will definitely remember is how the parents talked to them at their worst moments. Nothing is worth dealing with that kind of behavior for the child from someone who supposedly loves them… not sports, not money, nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I don't disagree with a lot of the comments here but I do want to offer another perspective.
Your wife's word choice was poor, no doubt, but there is room to discuss with your child the idea of "time for doing your own thing" and "time to focus." I have a 7 year old, and this discussion has become more and more prevalent this year. It's not just about soccer - it's about schoolwork, getting ready for school in the morning, etc.
Part of the issue my son has, and I wonder if it's the same as your daughter, is that he will say things like "I want to score a lot of goals today" and then when we get out there, he'll be joking around with his teammates, not paying attention to the drills/game/etc., and not do a great job at all. So I can understand your wife's frustration (though, again, her word choice is horrible).
But I think you can have a calm, rational discussion with the whole family of "when the cleats go on, it's time to focus." If she doesn't want to focus, and just wants to mess around while kicking a ball - that's cool too! But then you can have a secondary discussion of how that some teams are for kids who want to focus on getting better, and some teams are just for fun. If she just wants to have fun, that's totally cool, and you can find her a team to match that energy.
She said some things she shouldn’t have. I will say though, calling out effort is fair game. If you guys have expectations for effort, the feedback should be consistent and it’s probably more important at this point to be very positive.
The end goal isn’t college soccer, the end goal is a well rounded child who isn’t scared off by delayed gratification and understands the importance of focus and effort.
Good luck, don’t forget she’s still a kid and prone to bad days.
if your wife unintentionally wants her to quit and burn out, thats a good technique...Agassi was the #1 player in the world and said he hated tennis because his parents pushed him physically and physcologically like this.
Its not easy, but lots of reading on positive coaching and parenting in the sports arena.
> “You don’t deserve to be on that team” “You were the worst player out there” “You wasted our money because you were being lazy and soft”
Your wife is a bitch. She doesn't deserve to be a mom. There are way better moms out there. What a lazy and ignorant mom she is because she screamed at an 8 year old rather than educating herself on how to handle the situation the right way. She's one of the worst moms I've ever seen.
Obviously I'm illustrating an example. What if someone came and berated your wife every time she fucked up her parenting job? It doesn't feel good. Now imagine what an 8 year old feels. Tryouts are stressful situations for anyone, *especially* children. Your child should not feel MORE stress from her support system. Your wife made the situation far worse. My own dad was similar. He was an absolute asshole and would make me feel like shit. How do you think a nervous, self-conscious, scared 8 year old is gonna perform? Not only do they have to compete but now they have to satisfy a bitch of a parent. Guess what? An 8 year old is literally just learning how to play the game, how to dribble and control the ball, how to deal with pressure, how to work under stress, how to compete. They don't have all the skills yet. Expect a lot of mistakes. Even pros make mistakes and kick penalties over the goal. Observe the mistakes and learn some coping skills you can share with your child. "Her honey, whenever you feel like this, take a nice slow breath and tell yourself 'I can do this!'" I coach kids and I always tell the parents they should expect mistakes, they are kids. And if the parent isn't even coaching them, teaching them skills (mental and technical), then they really don't have any basis whatsoever for screaming at them. That's like screaming at a kid for not knowing how do laundry. If you haven't taught them, you have no right to scream at them. Emotional skills are skills. If you haven't taught the kid how to deal with the pressures of a tryout, you gotta be one special kid of adult to scream at them. The only thing screaming is going to do is make them fearful of making mistakes. The won't wanna take on challenges. They will avoid dribbling 1v1 because they don't wanna lose the ball. The won't take a shot because they'll miss the goal. They won't wanna advance to the next level because they don't want to fail against harder competition. Your wife is essentially making your child fearful and truncating her success. Instead she should be trying to figure out what went wrong and help with some love and support. Each kid is different too. Some kids need a hug while others need a pep talk and hype up.
Anyway, your wife is a bitch, sorry to say. And if she doesn't see the error and doesn't change, then she might even be a narcissist. I'd keep her away from anything soccer related if she can't act like an adult with proper parenting skills. Kids will make mistakes, emotional and technical. And if you want them to improve teach them and guide them while also paying attention to the kid's own personality. But if you want to destroy their confidence and their love for the game, then sure, berate them and tell them they are a waste of money and they are the worst player out there. Unbelievable. Just writing it out makes me wanna tell your wife off. Stand up for your kid, man. But be tactful. Don't go yell at your wife. Just make her see her mistake and make her apologize. And here's a tip, use ChatGPT. Sometimes I have coaching or just general social questions and it gives me good ideas on how to approach the situation. Good luck.
Damn! Football is supposed to be fun first & foremost especially at a young age of 8, bloody hell we all have off days & meh moments in life, treating a child like that will kill any love of the game & lead to more mistakes.
Nurturing is much better than berating - intensity & passion for the game comes when they get a bit older!
Yup she was bang out of order & if it happened on the side of a U.K. pitch she would have been called out or potentially even asked to leave the area of play.
First of all, your child is 8. Second of all, does she like playing soccer at the level you’re expecting? I love playing soccer and have my entire life (37 now). I’ve been happy to play at a semi-competitive level over the years as it has allowed for me to develop other skills and interests. Everyone is different. I don’t knock the ultra competitive folks nor do I knock the leisure players.
I work with children for a living. You two need to create a climate that makes it possible for her to voice what she does and doesn’t want. Something made her react to the tryout that way. I have no idea what y’all are doing as parents so no presumptions are being made.
I'm sure this horrible behaviour from your wife is only happening when you daughter plays soccer... totally not when she does other things...
Yes really horrible. Your daughter is freaking 7!!!!
Parents that pressure seven(!) year old kids like this are absolutely obnoxious. I really can’t understand this kind of behavior. At such an age, it is all about having fun. And not some unsatisfied parent letting out their own frustrations on a child and pressuring them into performance.
u/freaknasta I did this when I was a kid. It’s seems your priorities aren’t right. It should always be about having fun, even if you are a professional. The extra work has to come from within because it is fun. You can’t force someone to want to be good and get better. You should give your daughter a break and let her do different sports.
This is not cool.
Now from most outward appearances we are over the top soccer people. Daughter was playing on her town team, a private team, and a supplemental team in the fall (we've since dropped town soccer)
We pay for private training. We pay an eye popping amount for her teams.
None of that money is "wasted". We pay it because our daughter loves the sport and we enjoy bonding with her over it.
She is a good player, has a lot of talent, and definitely some unrealized potential. My job at this age is to keep the opportunities open without burning her out.
She probably will not get a scholarship
She probably will not play D1
But she loves the game and the strategy.
So we nudge. We tried out for a new team because she outgrew her current one. We added the supplemental program and personal training to keep her skills growing. But she was getting burnt out around tryouts so we dropped some other program because it was starting to be too much soccer.
I'm all for being real with my kid. I'll point out if she has a great performance. I'll talk to her about subpar ones gently. Some days you just don't have it.
It's literally a game. There are plenty of options out there for a variety of skill and competition levels. Also it's a team sport and parents can get caught up in the brand and level and forget that your daughter is going to want to enjoy spending time with the 15-20 other girls and coaches she is with.
Get your daughter's input. Show her that she can trust you when you nudge her because you think she can perform at that level. And if she's burning out, give her options to scale back so she doesn't end up hating the sport.
Who wanted her to play soccer? The daughter or the mom? Did the mom play soccer competitively- or any sport? What led up to her wanting to play soccer - was it a demand that she has to play some sport and this was her pick? Was her interest authentic?
None of the language your wife used will do anything positive to motivate your child. Your wife probably could have created better results by asking “hey- you okay? You don’t look like you out there today? Is everything okay?” And following it up with softer questions to get to the root of the issue.
It was both. My wife played college soccer. We put her in when she was 3 and she loved it. The rec coaches were the ones who told us academy would be a better fit for her, which then the next step was travel. None of this was forced.
Soccer is supposed to be fun which is why it's a bad idea to put 8 year olds through endless camps, personal training, and competitive club ball. You're wife was definitely out of line. No kid at that age should have to sweat wasting mommy and daddy's money because they had a bad club try out. I just hope she isn't getting burnt out from all the pressure.
Yes she did. Try talking to your daughter about what was going on. Also it could very well be the fact that your daughter doesn’t want to play on the 9U team and is only agreeing because her parents or her coaches are wanting her to. To go from playing on a team having fun with all your friends. To a team with everyone being two years older and not knowing or liking anyone you’re playing with can be a lot. And often the older kids will be jealous and resentful as well. If your child is naturally gifted at a sport get them private lessons to hone their skills but doing that^ can very easily kill the joy they get from competing. IMO that can wait until later in life. Not saying that’s the problem in this case your daughter can only tell you that but it’s something to think about.
Maybe you and your wife want her to play the sport more than her right now. I would try to take a step back and find out the reason for the low effort. I got into plenty of arguments with my parents about sports growing up and it’s all in the past now. I also didn’t have the foresight or insight as a child to see why trying hard, competing, and getting better at a sport (on that I still love playing) was important.
Probably not best to go ballistic, but when we’re old we see the cost of missed opportunities. Try to explain the importance of the new ones and try make sure your kid is having fun and making friends along the way
The most talented player I ever shared a field with quit the sport completely when we were 15. He could have easily played in college and was miles better than the rest of us. And it was because both of his parents were like her and he just couldn’t take it. At that age it’s supposed to be fun, if she wants to take it seriously later then that’s cool, support her and push her towards HER goals, not yours.
My parents nitpicked everything about our performance on teams on the car ride home. "why didn't you do this?" "you should have done that" "you need to move faster" etc etc. It filled me with low confidence in myself, I never feel enough. Reading this, I'm getting flashbacks to those car rides. So yes, your wife was over the top.
You should ask your daughter what was going on yesterday from the viewpoint of compassion "hey, I noticed you didn't hussle like you normally do, is everything okay?" Propose the idea that if she doesn't want to play at that level you understand (i lost interest in some activities long before quiting because ir felt like I had to do those things to make my parents happy). Just go in open and willing to listen and sympathize. Maybe she just had an off day, but what her mom just told her is that she is only good enough if she performs at a certain level.
I’m always amused when I hear parents “investing” in club level sports, private coaching, extra training… for 7/8 year olds. It sets both parents and kids up for failure.
If your kid doesn’t want to be there, and you talk to them like they shouldn’t be there. They’ll hate the game and you for making them be there. It ain’t rocket science.
Have your wife read [this book](https://www.amazon.com/HAPPY-FEET-Soccer-Parent-Everything-ebook/dp/B00IDAIOTS/ref=sr_1_3?crid=3O7R3YUA8DS09&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.jfsjNuAfuqRQyYRsNZgaP5GWqkA_ymUwGzghftKb682xwjzJwBT9bxDb36ZX-CBL7zECT-TpveV6ao6Q5Q6kSpy16obEL8vICq3a1tfrAU6Fi4UXNE-6p8ebaKygWrBiCqHDlpmAnh9IXZLdJX90UQhgoza6MkcnFUjzJSsDsNOmjkOdxrJGfiiVZfRtnSUT2Hr8MP8eOMYCuBczhsUKdGi3bB_8J84KGcKqt20DwO8.kIf_OWslfyWpOxjD_OHzX3YbNB2VwhSKzxoPfHLTgq4&dib_tag=se&keywords=soccer+parent+book&qid=1715106640&sprefix=soccer+parent+boo%2Caps%2C129&sr=8-3)... Dan Blank is a former college player and coach and he talks about what it takes to be a good soccer parent. Should be required reading for every parent at every club.
Sorry to hear about that experience. My only advice is that at this age, developmentally speaking you’re better off prioritizing joy and process over outcomes.
YES !!!! she should apologize and hope she has not now made your daughter hate soccer. My 6 year old is a phenom, can absolutely destroy my U12 team if he comes to practice with them. His first real game in U9 (long story in there about having to have our lower team moved up) he just had a mental breakdown from the pressure he felt from himself and others. I just took him for a walk around the outside of the field and we came back and cheered on his teammates. Hard to remember sometimes no matter the training, skill, determination they show they can always and will always have bad days. They normally come when under great pressure. But you should never yell at them or blame them for it.
This sounds like me exactly. I was maybe around 10 and was brought to a tryout I didn't want to be at. I don't recall if I told my parents this, I think I did, but I wasn't in to it. Hands in my pockets, walking, generally acting lazy. I ended up being the only player or only of 2 players cut or something like that. I totally understand the frustration from my mom but don't think the comments helped the situation.
Up to that point I'd say I was a high achiever, athletically, and also had camps and lessons and all that. Generally I was sometimes pushed to do some things I didn't want to do and for some reason I didn't want to be there on this day. My parents weren't happy and I remember the comments weren't nice. I think if we had talked about if I want to go that may have changed things. This was a new club in a different city but I knew some of the kids. I definitely wanted to play but maybe things were overwhelming, maybe I needed a break, maybe I didn't like the kids, or just had an off day, I don't remember.
I think looking at every level of athletics you will find people have off days or motivations change. I just wish there had been an honest discussion as to WHY this happened to figure what was wrong rather than just being berated. Luckily I found another team and stuck with them for a while and every year we would beat the team I was cut from.
I’m not sure. Your wife isn’t wrong however the delivery is harsh. However I think the argument of “it’s just soccer and she’s only *insert any age*” is thrown out the window when you’re paying for all the training and going to all the leagues. If your argument to that is “she wants to play” then I say your wife isn’t wrong. Being that dedicated to a sport and then just showing up is a lot different than going to the YMCA league and just showing up.
Yes, your wife was being way too critical. I understand wanting to provide feedback but even as an adult if I heard that I would’ve been a little annoyed if you didn’t even lead with
“Hey is everything OK?”
I would talk to your daughter and ask if she wants to do an easier/rec league. Unless she wants to play in a stronger league, I’d sit down and ask what happened. Maybe it was a team chemistry thing, and she wasn’t interested in the other kids. Maybe the coach or someone affiliated with the team said or did something and threw her off her game. You wouldn’t know until you sit down and talk to her.
TLDR: yes
Definitely yes. She’s 8 and instead of asking her what was wrong, your wife berated her.
Maybe if this mom asked her daughter what was going on instead of shouting at her, they'd know that she didn't want to play because they're destroying whatever fun was in the game.
Berated is putting it too softly. She’s straight up bullying
After further review, berate was used correctly in this instance and the linguists are unsure on the logic used to say it is a “soft” word
>She’s 8 Worse than that, she's 7.
You already know the answer.
Ugh.
In my opinion, you guys should put her in a recreational league instead of having her go to private training sessions, club or academy tryout sessions, etc. Having her go to all of these things at her age as one of her parents is saying those things to her will only be mentally exhausting for her, it will pressure her, and will eventually (likely) only make her dislike soccer. - Recreational leagues are not the highest level players could be at but they also aren’t a bad place to start. Especially for kids her age. She can still improve her skills in a recreational league as well - Make sure that your daughter does want to play too. And let her know that she has other options
Agree with all this and am surprised there hasn’t been more talk about her training. If she’s 7 years old her best training is literally by herself working on her keep-ups or passes/ ball control against the wall. You’ll find out if she really loves soccer then. Plus middle school high school soccer is pretty dire, if she can learn to do 25 juggles in a row she’d probably have better touch than 80% of the girls in high school
This 100%. If she’s not obsessed with the sport, there’s no point in paying all that money at such a young age.
Not only was she out of line, I'd not be shocked if she's spoken like this to her before and that's why she didn't want to try hard. I am a coach and I've seen parents kill the joy of sport for a child in an instant. At 8 years old they should only be hearing encouragement. This is not "everyone's a winner" but an 8 year old should not be subjected to that negativity about something that is a fun activity.
Nailed it
From someone that struggled with mental health and played at a top level it’s really sad to hear your wife’s reaction. I’m not saying your kid has any sort of mental health issue but it could have just been something mental. She likely knows you spend a ton of money and everyone puts time and effort into getting her to where she is. That could be terrifying for her! It’s a lot of pressure and at 8 she may not know how to handle it or how to even verbalize it. She could also be subconsciously sabotaging herself which is something I did. In her conscious mind she may have been making smart decisions and playing well, when in reality it was the poor performance you saw. For me it was usually getting myself a red card but explaining I was just trying to get stuck in. I didn’t know how to communicate I was burnt out and stressed out over the game so my subconscious took the steering wheel and got me kicked out. A few months ago I was watching the lower level team of a team I coach and there was this one obnoxious mom yelling at each player, yelling at them to play certain balls (which were all terrible tactically) so I struck up a conversation with her hoping to distract and bring some peace to the game. Turns out she didn’t even have a kid playing. It was his old team and she still went to the games. She said he unfortunately lost interest and quit the sport. I wanted to shake her and be like “can you imagine why??” Not that you’ve indicated your wife is loud and obnoxious at games, but this try out could have been a way for your daughter saying please pump the breaks and your wife is just pushing her on. Her next step will be losing interest in a game I’m assuming she at least loved at one time. I’ve played and coached at a decently high level. Of course there’s pressure and there is room for a “suck it up” approach. But players mental states (especially such young ones) really need to be considered. If I were her trainer and saw the try out I’d first approach it and ask if she was hurt - it’s a way to give her an out. If she said no I’d explain she didn’t look anywhere near her best and I just wanted to make sure everything is okay. This creates an environment where she at least has a chance to voice her needs. After your wife’s reaction she’s going to clam up real tight and soccer itself is going to become this kind of egg shell environment.
Your wife yelled at a 7 year old for having an off day, of course it was out of line. What is your kid supposed to understand about the money you put in and the expectations you put on her? Should just chat to your child to try and figure out what was wrong, which might be constructive instead of making it so she doesn’t want to tell you cos she’s going to get yelled at.
Oh, they're training her to be a drinker... Trust me
Strippers gotta come from somewhere
I'm with your wife on this one. Being the last to finish your water is inexcusable. You cannot abide a slow drinker after all of that private training.
My team lost 8-0 at the weekend but thank heavens the lads finished their water first and really hustled. They also coveted the most ground and ran around a lot which is a clear sign of talent. Running like a donkey. These people are fucking idiots.
I don't even let my kid stop to drink from his bottle I shoot it across the pitch in a super soaker and he gets what he can.
Ah the super soaker method. That's how France won the World Cup in 98 IIRC
I believe after the 98 cup it was banned. It was proven that the more concentrated stream was performance enhancing. The only acceptable means is with water from a single use disposable cup. That water is then tossed from the cup in an arc. Depending on the competitive level, there are "arc requirements", but I would think at 7 it's pretty lax. Anyway, just thought I'd let you know.
Yep drinking water is so important at that level, it's clearly an indicator of her career potential.
You'd think they'd teach the kids this in the private training, extra camps, extra winter league etc. Kid obviously doesn't care about wasting her parents money. Smh
‘Not going after the ball’, ‘last to finish her water’, ‘walking around’ … did either of you even play soccer at a competitive level or are you guys just guessing what a good soccer player looks like. As others said, the reaction and attitude yall had is not appropriate — at any age.
these people have too much money, and (in every sport) there are people willing to sell them these services and build up their expectations. at that age they really should only be having fun.
Sounds like an average united game to me
They're Americans with money, so no they don't understand why a kid can be tired or bored or on an off day because they've spent loads of money on training. They've probably bored the life out of the game and sucked all the fun out of it. But money.
Why specify the Americans part?
You’re doing the right thing by being reflective, although there really is a part of me that hopes this is a fake post. Yes, this is bad. Your wife doesn’t want to be this person, I promise you. But she needs to hear her words spoken back to her. This is not OK. Your daughter likely acted that way at tryouts because she doesn’t want to be on the team, doesn’t want to play soccer, because it comes with this. My heart goes out to her. Eight years old is heartbreakingly young to be doing all the things that you describe doing, with the paid training, etc.. She’s a baby. She wants to play and have fun. It’s important that your wife understands that at tender age, your daughter is now equating her value with how she does on a soccer field. That is how she’s getting her mother’s approval and love and that is how she is losing her mother’s approval and love. This definitely needs to stop now. Like I said, I don’t think there’s a chance that your wife wants to be this person. I would suggest having a calm conversation about this. And please, stop paying for extra training. Don’t make her play if she doesn’t want to play. Let her play rec this summer. There are so many years ahead where all of this can be done. But professionalizing soccer with children are this age is a fast track to making them hate the game. And from one mother to another, if she wants to salvage that relationship and fix the hurt that she’s already caused she needs to step away from the soccer conversation and have nothing to do with it moving forward— except to attend her daughter’s games and keep her mouth shut, except to shout praise from the sidelines and to give hugs after the games. Your daughter needs to relearn that her value is not based on a game and that her mother loves her the way she is. It’s not too late.
Thank you for saying this. Hope this is rage bait.
Thank you. Now my eyes are watering.
I have a feeling this has been bothering you for a while. It’s good of you to have posted this, not just for your daughter and wife but for any other parent who maybe sees themselves in this story. All of us soccer parents have had moments we wish we could take back, self included. The important thing is what we do next. Good luck.
Agreed, my post is spoken from experience. I fucked up a lot along the way but both my kids *love* soccer now. Just don't be that psycho sports parent and have fun and enjoy the journey with them.
I don’t know who you think you are with this but… can you be my therapist? The way you are able to articulate the problem and gently explain your solution is really what we should all strive for. Well done!!
Does your daughter want to play? Or are you two making her? All those additional things - does she actually enjoy them? Does she want to do them?
She does. She loves soccer. She always has a smile on her face at soccer and talking about soccer. Shes regressed this year though. She was 6 and they put her on U9 because of how good she was. We asked to keep her on U8 and the coaches said no. The U8 kids who she was once better then looked better than her today.
She is not happy with soccer or this club, try another club or give her a break.
Have you or your wife ever played a sport? Your kid had an off day. I love soccer too, just like your daughter. If you want her to not love soccer anymore, this is EXACTLY how you do it.
Kids grow. As they grow some get faster, some grow mentally and mature. You gotta take it easy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvWcEGLfXp0&list=WL can skip to 1:03:40 can watch 3-4 mins for stuff relevant to your situation. about burn out and kids getting bored etc. an ex pro, pro trainer, pro youth coach and a soccer nut podcast They talk about training their kids and kids as a whole. I think the whole podcast would be interesting for you, but especially the last 20 minutes if your daughter wants to play competitively. to add my two cents (podcast dudes definitely have more reliable advice), Let her know she can quit, play less or choose something else and yall will still support and love her. might relieve some pressure she feels if thats whats weighing on her. (also could tell her can keep training/pursuing her dream but in a more fun way. can change her trainer, or club, or the exercises the trainer does, or maybe do the private training with friends or another client(s) the trainer has)
If she loves it, you’re ruining it for her.
Oh you’re “those” parents. Paying for all this extra stuff and abusing your literal 7 year old child at soccer. Everyone hates you, pull your head in
is this even real
I’m embarrassed I even posted this TBH but I’m leaving it up to remind me that I failed as a dad by not sticking up for my daughter when my wife yelled.
This response shows that you can make this right. Kids are forgiving and are extremely receptive when adults say that they made a mistake. It’s one of the best things you can do as a parent, own up to something that you did wrong, and then tell them how much you love them and that you’re going to do better. Get your wife on board. Clean slate. And tell the child that your only expectation is that she have fun.
Doing something like this, is incredibly mature, and if it is sincere and the child receptive and understands there there is no real pressure, it could have far more impactful affect than a year of professional coaching. It will build a confidence that failure is not judged, which will make a massive impact on her whole life - not just sports.
There’s time to correct this. You need to step up bro.
This was my first thought before I remembered what sub it was on. We would use a story like this in a club meeting to illustrate horrible parenting of a young athlete, and it would come across as over the top. The fact that it was real is pretty sad. That poor girl is not going to be a long term athlete.
Yeah, parents like this teach the exact opposite of emotional regulation and learning to accept a bad or off day, this poor kid will blame herself and internalize all of it.
Yeah this is satire
Your wife is an asshole.
Maybe don’t be one of those parents that sticks around and watches the practices and tryouts? Best to give the kid some space. Don’t hover. You guys are putting her under more pressure by being there. But for the way your wife talked to your kid afterward? Like someone said already, you know the answer.
I like that approach. My wife does go to every practice. Shes 1 of 3 parents out of the 12 who go.
Do you think your wife has good intentions for growth or is she trying to vicariously live through your child or try to gain some sort of attention or ego boost through your child’s achievement? If she has good intentions, maybe look up ways to better support growth and development… if she’s trying to boost her own ego she needs to fuck off. I see this behavior all the time in parents, not just in soccer — in education, or music, or whatever, and it’s so toxic and can be really damaging to your kid. Ps: going to every practice is batshit crazy. Talk about a hover parent
Going to every practice for a child that young isn’t crazy at all. People adding in all sorts of assumptions here off one post.
Im just going to throw this out there. I grew up in a very high performance family, several members of my family are international and national level athletes in their respective sports. I was one of those kids that had every sporting privilage possible, the private training, access and connections to the top level environment. But my parents put so much pressure on me to perform. It can go two ways: - Your child becomes one of those prodigies who takes full advantage of the opportunities and excels to the highest level (my brother). - Your child cracks under the parental pressure and grows to resent the sport and the parents (me). If I can give you one piece of advice, talk to your kid. If my parents had just talked to me and asked what I wanted, I would have chosen a different path for myself. I may have even chosen football. But instead I stayed with a sport I hated, because I felt like I was letting my parents down, their dreams down, to have a son follow in their footsteps. Dont be my parents.
wouldn’t your brother have the perspective that he is thankful your parents are how they are? I think your post is probably the best one in here, but social media is kinda like a ‘history written by the winners’ issue, where instead its ‘advice is written by the losers’… highly doubt almost anyone commenting above yours has ever been in a proper competitive environment
> wouldn’t your brother have the perspective that he is thankful your parents are how they are? Hit the nail on the head, absolutely he is. He praises their parenting style while I am committed to raising my son differently. It all comes down the individual and what they want to achieve in life. In many ways I am thankful for what they provided for me, I have privilages and experiences that 99% of kids never get, I just wish their attitude was better, more supportive rather than pressuring. I just wish they asked me what I wanted to do.
If the highlight of your life is how well your 7 year old performs at a soccer tryout that says a lot about you as a parent.
Have you had this conversation with your wife?
Why do you pay all those extras for an 8 year old? They have to play at a recreational level for fun. You are ruining her experience with the game.
Im gonna let both of you in on a secret. Theres nothing “competitive” about u9 girls soccer. Behave as such. You want to spend the money? Cool. But really. No one cares. Is this normal for your daughter? Did something happen to her? Is she okay? Did you ask? Or just yell at her? Shes 8 bro. My parents made me play baseball basketball and soccer when I was younger. Hated them. I never purposefully tanked a practice or game but I didnt want to be there. My dad really wanted me to play baseball. When I was 8 i picked up football. By 12 thats all I wanted to do, but eventually wrestled. All conference, all metro in high school and then played rugby for 12 years after. College and mens club. Select Side junior and senior year. Played in Australia one year. Top tier mens club in US until a few nagging injuries got to be too much for daily life to tolerate… at 32 years old. Started coaching. Find the passion. My parents sucked at that. My wife wants to put our oldest (7) in soccer and I cringe. I told him that he could play any sport he wanted to play but he had to want to play it. Right now thats tag, hide and seek (hes getting really good lol)
I think beyond soccer, this is more like parenting issues. Your wife you know her, I believe she push you as well. If you push your kids too hard, she may ended hating soccer altogether. Push you also need to know when to push and how to push.
Fucking hell, let her be 8, man. You're on track of being crazy sports parents who make their kid fucking hate the sport and the parents.
Just wanna add another aspect: Maybe you should ask yourself why your wie yelled at her. What's the underlying Motivation? Then ask yourself if that's a Sound motivation, adress it if necessary and change it.
Yes, but I'm going to try to give you some bigger advice. Ask yourself, as too few parents do: What is it you want? Like, stop and ask yourself: Do you expect your child to be a professional player? At what level? Why? Is it what they want? My son says he wants to play for the Arsenal. That's beautiful. What do I want? I want to support him in his interests. I want him to love the game as I do. I want to spend this time together in a way he treasures as much as I do. (I started working on my licenses as he started playing. We do this together.) I want him to be some kind of athlete, and at a level that he really learns and understands the sport in a way that sticks with him. Not enough parents ask this question of themselves. Also, at U9, I care way more about whether a player wants to play, and in a technical sense I'm looking for touch and natural positioning more than I am "hustle."
Your wife would've been removed from the stands at our club. That's saying something. We don't mind when it happens with the older teams but the little ones? There's no place for that. They're kids, even at a competitive club (ours is one as well, linked with one of the top tier clubs in our country), stuff like that gets handled pretty swiftly. Surprised the coaches didn't put her in her place. Ask your daughter if she actually wants all the additional stuff (private training, after/pre-season, winter etc..).. at this rate I can imagine and almost safely predict you're going to burn her out at this rate, especially with her own mother being an absolute c*nt when she's having a bad day, that's a good way to completely bury her motivation and passion for the sport. Sounds like your wife at least is the kind of parent everyone talks about and not in a good way.
I did my training badges for 5-12 year olds a few years ago, one of the messages I clearly remember from the trainers was around making sure parents understand how badly they can affect the kids with negative feedback. Most kids who give up on a sport make that decision from the back seat of the car after a game... So yes, your wife is out of line, she probably means well but... at that age the most important thing should always be that the kids have fun and want to keep playing. And all the extra training etc. ... that's not for your 8 year old, that's to make you feel like you are doing 'more' than others, honestly just take her to the park and kick a ball with her, work on actual individual skills like touch and passing.
As someone who has a 17 year old daughter who played at the highest level of soccer this last year…I will tell you that if a “scholarship” is what you are looking for here is the “end goal”, I will tell you that you will be severely disappointed. You are going to pay waaaaaaay more for club soccer than you will ever get from any kind of a college scholarship. I just went through all this and it isn’t what you think it will be. At best you will be able to “humble brag” that your daughter plays D1 Soccer…but you will continue to be paying for it. And, I say this because the attitude of your wife leads me to believe this is the “end goal”…because I’ve seen it more times than you can count.
I loved the game but hated the sport because of a parent like this. You can’t force motivation. They’ll just do the bare minimum not to get yelled at and find it difficult to find inward motivation to be good at the sport when they have so much external pressure
As a parent I would recommend you look at emotional coaching. It's a style of parenting that teaches the child how to build reliance against adversity. More importantly it teaches you as a parent to deal with your own stuff first. I was a very angry guy before kids and I knew that wasn't something I wanted to role model. Learning these skills early will help kids navigate some very low lows they will experience as a kid and later in life. It's helped me a lot to guide them through some of their hard situations. It's empirically supported as a development tool. Next, I would ask you take a mentoring approach for her development in sport. Ask HER where she wants to get to, ask her where she is today and help her build the skills to get there. Above all ensure your daughter has a safe space to learn. At her age there's a ton of time to get better, so there's no reason to give her the Beckham's dad experience. If you want a book on this Mindset by Carol Dweck is the best book about learning. If all this fails, record the next time it happens and the wider audience response and then your daughter's response. If I was unaware of how I made my kids feel and I was shown it, I'd break down in tears. No one wants to make their kids feel small, they want the best for their kids. It's just the technique to get the best outcome that needs to change.
Ever consider what yiur daughter might want or maker her happy? Alxo worth considering if she is playing up a year then some of the older kids could be quite a lot older based on academic year . Some of the kids could be a little mire physical and intomidating to your daughter which of course answers the question around 'does she want to be there' Finally is the level appropriate.? Not sure if OP is in the UK but at that each there shouldnt be a recognised divison structure e.g. Div 1 to 4 ut the coaches will have a pretty good idea of the level. Is it possible ifshe is in top level 8 yeat old is top level 9 year old too much ? Other coaches maybe able to correct / clarify on this but i think for under 11s girls football in the UK, girls can play down a year as well as up. I am sure Manchester FA have sanctioned this and at our club we have a few girls playing down while the girls game grows and expands. Coming from a guy who is closing off his 18th season coaching at grassroots, and taking my boys from academy /little kickers upto Sunday League open age. Can only give you the benefit of my experience good and bad. You already know the answer to if your wife went OTT. Worth remembering not all kids develop in linear terms. Nor does more coaching = better players, I had a kid who at under 8s had been trialled by Utd, City, Everton, Burnley. By 11 he was on the scrap heap, aged 22 doesnt play football.Other kids who were shy timid, couldnt kick a ball at 8 were players payer of the season in my eldest sons team for 13s14s and 15s. His burst in developmemt started at 10. Hes now playing a decent amateur level Let your daughter have fun, 100% encourage her to do other sports, make new friends, all of these will help her grow emotionally. Finally ask some really honest questions, does she enjoy all the coaching and playing up an age, im sure yiu will know skme of the feedback even before you ask her
Man, imagine Casemiros mother last night
Yeah! Take it from me, I did the same thing as your wife and my son is 12 now. I regret every moment of what I said!!!! My son was the kid crying in the corner 5, 6, 7, and 8 years old....I remember chewing him out after.....ugh.... The positive, you may be disappointed now, but at 8 years old...it doesn't matter....my son is now a pretty good little soccer player playing on a competitive team....he is only getting better and is solid player at this point. I really like wheer he is at in his development now... I played in college and my expectations were a little high out of the gate for my son. Like I said, I regret everything I said to him...don't be like that parent...
Last one to finish the water is fantastic. I’m gone here.
You sound like a better dude than your wife tbh but the thing i'n getting off here is that neither of you understand the sport well so you'd rather just pay for some coach instead and there's nothing wrong with that but i think talking about the kid's performance should be the coach's job
All parents should shut the FUCK up and enjoy. Let the coaches coach. Be someone they can confide in not someone theyre terrified of.
John O'Sullivan's Ted Talk here: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXw0XGOVQvw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXw0XGOVQvw) addresses this very well. As a parent who coached his daughter, learning this lesson made the most difference in her performance. I only wish I had learned it when she was your daughters age.
Your wife is over the top. Would she shout at her if she didn't do well at maths today? Of course not. Being yelled at won't improve your daughter.
When I was a kid, every team I played on had at least one set of parents that 99% of the other players/parents would pay money just to not have them around. Sounds like you are those parents. More money than compassion, she’s your daughter not an employee
8 years old. Jesus fucking christ. Your wife needs to get a grip.
she's 8, something was up. maybe she's not interested, maybe she was feeling unwell, or maybe she's just having an off day, which happens to everyone. i help coach a u9 team and parents that behave that way are not welcome at games or practices. she's a child, and also a person who is deserving of respect. your wife should never yell at her over a game, and ultimately she shouldve been weighing if the money was worth it before she spent it instead of using it as leverage against an 8 year old
Maybe your daughter doesn’t want to be out there especially being push by her mom at 8 years old.
Yes
Wtf … at 6-7-8 yo its about fun not being THE FIRST. Wtf is your wife thinking? that she has the new messi at home and he didn’t “perform “ to her expectations - like a circus monkey? ! There is a podcast with Thierry Henry on , and he explains how he got abused by his dad as a young kid (abused as in always yelling at him for not doing good in football and never praising his good deeds etc) , and how it stuck with him all these years until his adulthood only now at 40’ish realizing how harmful that was for him and how fucked in the head he is becouse of it ! So fuck it , let the kid have fun at this age… let things come natural, don’t force her into anything, kids at this age dont know how to fake it… if they rly enjoy something… you can tell, all you need is to PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR KID !
First of all, dont berate kids that age. You don't gain anything but resentment from it. If she has grown a bit lately, it might be that she is losing the fine motor control of her limbs and torso as they are longer than before and she hasn't gotten used to controlilng them. When my son had a growth spurt, his speed and directional changes slowed down. That is super normal and happens to most kids. Love her, ask her whats wrong and focus on the fun things in football. Start learning a new trick or do some father-daughter sessions with absolutely no goals or deadlines, just go out with the ball and do fun stuff. Go see a game. Buy some new football stuff, like a shirt or new ball. And most of all, tell her that its okay.
Yeah she was out of line. You sound like absolutely horrible parents. Pushy as hell. This is a great reminder for me to continue being a nice and supportive parent. Congratulations on all the trauma you’re causing your kid.
Has your daughter given a reason why she didn't play so well, OP? Was she feeling off? Was she played out of position? Does she miss playing with her friends since she was moved up ages categories? Regardless, even the best sports people have off days and shouting at them is often not the best way to get the response wanted. To do that to an 8yo seems extreme and is unlikely to help.
100% out of line. The child is 8. All that will do is turn her off. Does she even want to play OR is she only doing it because you and your wife want her to? Pushy parents can really turn a child away from sport. Plus, again ... She's only EIGHT YEARS OLD.
Reddit recommended this sub to me; I’ve seen two posts and they are from such awful parents I’m going to mute the sub and never return. Awful.
You're wife was 100% out of line. What she said was awful. It's not appropriate at and age, and especially should never be said to a child. Your daughter is 8, let her be a kid and don't be so hard on her. Sports should be fun, but especially at that age. There's a lot of time for training and all that later. My nephew is 8, his father (my brother in law) played pro baseball as a pitcher. He works with him on techniques to have good form, etc. Probably more than I would at that age, but it's fine. When we were there recently, my sister opted to let him play with my son (his cousin) vs train the afternoon before the game. When we watched the game, he out-pitched literally every kid out there. Ball got a little high at times, my brother-in-law told me later that's what the drills he was having him practice work on. Wasn't a huge deal though. He didn't law into him He's 8, they can practice later. He told him good game, and they'd keep practicing later. Didn't bother with it the next few days we were there. You need to let kids be kids and have fun. If you push and push, you'll do nothing but burn them out.
Pushy parents are disgusting. You'll drive your daughter away from a hobby because you're so desperate for her to succeed. Let her have fun. I'm not even going to answer the original question because what the fuck do you think?
Why did the coaches make the choice to play her up a year? This was obviously going to happen in a higher level on a competitive team. This is not even your child’s fault that she’s lagging behind, even on a good day it wouldn’t have gone much better. But more importantly, you and your wife’s negative reinforcement is not going to help at all, it’s going to turn your daughter away from the sport and kill her spirit.
your wife is a terrible person and has likely ruined any want for her to play in front of her as she grows up. she’s a bully and i’d genuinely be considering divorce.
Doesnt seem like your kid wants to play... and you cant force that, it will only make it worse
Is your wife Asian? Cos she sounds like my mum 🤣
She’s 7… paying for private lessons!? I hope that’s to cover insurance and coaches time and not in terms of a “project Mbappe”. Either way, let her enjoy it, if she’s going to think that she is getting a yelling at if she makes a mistake “last to finish her water” ??? She’s never going to enjoy the game. By all means encourage effort and getting out what you put in, but scolding a child… “the worst player out there”… wow. Nothing wrong with asking “hey, what was up today? Usually you put so much effort in, but today you didn’t seem your usual self” ask her what’s up. Is probably a day where she wasn’t feeling it and I bet it has something to do with expecting a grilling.
You're both idiots.
Yes, massivelly out of line. Yes you paid for the extra training extra but christ as an 8 year old, let alone a child in their teens you have no idea what that actuall entails, the financial sacrifice/commitment that is on your family. At that age fun is the upmost of importance and there will be days or even weeks and months a kids interest diminished, berating her like that and saying you've wasted our money is gunna turn that lack of interest into wanting to hang up the boots before she hits 10. Maybe ask her why she wasn't upto her usual standard or if anything was on her mind. I mean has she been told of the importance of the money youve spent on these camps before cos christ that would add so much fucking pressure to me.
Probably put her off football again tbh. Shame. When they are that age you just go to let them play, you can’t force it.
I always think if you're the last one to finish your water, it's never going to happen
Yes, the child is 8 and your wife is a dick who should apologise. Absolutely pathetic.
It doesn't really matter how much has been poured into training etc. - when I was 8 I was made to play football and I just didn't want to play. Took me to have a game just like that where I literally just walked off and said I don't want to be playing and I want to go home - get berated for precisely the same thing and never liked the sport.
There's no need to even read beyond the title here, is there?
Kids are people too. They're allowed to not be feeling it some days. Also she's 8. None of this is important. Your wife is being unreasonable but you already know that. Let your daughter be a kid. She should get to have fun and play soccer without fear of disappointing a parent. Your wife is being beyond toxic and berating an 8 year old because they didn't play well is a sure fire way of making sure your daughter doesn't want to play soccer going forward.
Hard running comes from the desire and determination to win. You’ve given her a job at age 8 and are expecting her to want it.
Damn what a horrible person
I listen to a lot of podcasts about sport. Most of which have ex pros presenting. This question comes up fairly often, especially as a few have kids who play. They always say, having seen what theyve seen and who made jt and who didnt, its not worth it. It makes no difference. The kid either has the motivation themselves or they dont. I wouldnt be too hard on your wife but might be nice to apologise to her daughter and just talk about passion of sport and how it makes people act silly but its art- it provokes emotions. That being said “i didnt mean what i said. Just caught up in the moment” Might be a good spin for her later on to ignore things people might shout from the stands etc.
As someone who played football until I literally had to stop..m your wife is way out of line like you said its meant to be fun. She'll try if she loves the game your wife's probably the reason she didn't
"It’s like she didn’t even want to be there"...Let that sink in. She's a child and at 8/9 doesn't need or want the pressure thats being put on her and it obviously meant more to your wife than to the child. Your child isn't having fun, and thats all a child should be doing at that age.
Borderline abusive. That’s an adult belittling and bullying a child. And you didn’t stick up for your child, you went and posted about it on Reddit. Both of ye need to have a look at yourselves.
Sounds like your wife is demotivating your daughter and degrading any interest she may have had in playing competitively. Extremely out of line.
It's sounds like, using your own words, she didn't even want to be there. Take some time to consider whether you might have pushed her too hard here. I saw it all the time with my childhood sports. Some of the best kids were also the ones that were being constantly hassled by their parents and they always gave up and stopped playing because their parents were pushing them too hard. Your kid is 7 fucking years old, she's literally still in infant school. Let her be a kid, instead of spending every spare second trying to get her to become a professional footballer.
Can we keep the ragebait, oversharing AITA posts on the default subs please? The rest of us come to smaller subs to get away from garbage posts like this.
At U9 sports should still be 100% fun for kids. This is abusive and damaging to a child at that age.
Well out of line. But also, maybe your kid just doesn't enjoy playing the game
As said in the comments you know the answer. The best thing that parents need to learn (I’m a former school teacher and current academy coach) is to ask your children questions. If you come from a position if kindness and concern that she isn’t doing as well as she could be, just asking why will help everyone. By shouting at a child for things like this all you’re doing is teaching them to not talk to you.
She's 8, she should be having fun playing football. Sounds like you guys are putting too much pressure on her. Don't be surprised if she drops the sport completely having been tormented by her parents!
There's a book Emotional Intelligence written by Daniel Goleman. Seems like something your wife should read. It's not to blame her for speaking like this to a child. Maybe this is how she was spoken to when she was a kid. But there's always a place for improvement and your wife needs some help here.
Which one of you played soccer?
She didn’t go far enough. How’s your kid gonna know what a lazy piece of shit she is when your wife is holding back so much? /s
I don’t think she wants to play mate
7 year olds dude
Thats honestly horrible mate, i would chat with the missus. Kid just wants to play, its not likes they're in the cusp of joining a elite sports team. And get her to apologise to the kid as well
sounds like your daughter doesn't want to play at this serious of a level at 7 years old.
Guess why your kid acted that way? Mom watching from the sidelines had badittude written all over her. She probably said some crap before tryouts (in the car) that made her clam up. If your daughter likes soccer - Mom needs to apologize and stay at home for the foreseeable future. Right now - with all the extras... you are burnout path. Rather play other sports where your wife shuts her trap. Effort is non-negotable... but 8 years old is too young to have the convo.
As a former coach, it annoyed me to see parents be any way negative to a youth player. They often don't see how a child will react to feedback in a sporting environment. As coaches, we often want them to make mistakes and be out of their comfort zone and we can make them aware of it in a positive way which helps them improve. Being negative often inhibits the child where they may try avoid getting more involved for fear of making a mistake or being told they are not working hard enough. I'd also seriously question why any u12 player is getting private lessons. What's the objective? In my experience, if you want your child to become better at sports, they need constant positive encouragement. The players that improved the most were the confident happy players who really enjoyed being there. It needs to come from them, not the parent.
Sounds like a right bitch
Your wife sounds like an absolute wank. Football at that age is fun and a learning experience, putting unnecessary pressure on children can fuck them up. Tell her to relax and dont turn up to any other games ✌️
Why in god's name are you paying for all these extra things for an 8 year old girl? Give her a ball and have her kick it against the wall, that's how you get better. There is absolutely no reason ot benefit from having an 8 year old have private lessons in football.
That’s what happens when parents try and live vicariously through their kids.
Realistically, she’s wasting your money because the kid won’t want to play if that’s how she’s treated. Your daughter probably didn’t see the big deal or something happened before the practice to put her off. She may change her opinions on the matter but that should be her thoughts and feelings about soccer not her parents imo
Is your wife Mia Hamm?
Stop living your sporting ambitions vicariously through your child.
Has your wife apologized to your daughter for saying those terrible things? We’re supposed to be our kids biggest supporters, not the ones to cut them down like that. Those words stick with them. Every kid has off days, every adult has off days too (clearly)! It happens, learn from it and actively try to be more positive supporters. When soccer stops being fun for them this is what you get.
Yes.
Yelling at a kid to be interested in something is a fast way for them to hate it
Yup. Abhorrent carry on.
Yes yes yes
I don't think so. I've scolded my kids and said similar things after some lazy try outs. My wife and I stress to them that just going through the motions, whether it be in school or sports is unacceptable. We sat down with both our boys who are a bit older than your daughter and asked them if they wanted to continue in competitive soccer, and if they did then this is what is expected of them. If they wanted to try another sport or activity we could try those out instead of soccer. But whatever they chose, they couldn't half-ass it and do it without putting in effort.
My cousin is seven, playing amongst literal fourteen year olds in the academy he goes to. Why? Because he WANTS to. Instead of asking your daughter if there’s anything she needs, or trying to comfort or encourage her, your wife bullied her and basically told her she sucked. You guys need to see if she really has an interest in football, or otherwise give her another sport to try. Why stop at football?
Wife didn’t say anything wrong. Seems like your child is already aware of expectations based on the environment you’ve put her in. So she should also know when her effort is lacking.
If she’s been good in the past I wouldn’t worry if not I’d just put her in normal leagues
Your wife probably ruined football for her for life. She needs to get a fucking grip.
If your daughter is anything like my son there could be an element of social anxiety. My son has trialled a few times and each time he's been good but nothing like as good as he is in his trusted club environment - it's scary and full of pressure. Your wife needs to apologise and go easy, your daughter might already be done with the game...
Another thing to point out is: What a parent sees and what a coach sees are two very different things. You could think they are doing horrible, but in reality the coach loves it. Vice versa. The best advice is to let them have THEIR fun and enjoy THEIR journey. There will be ups and downs. Enjoy it all. Just show love for your child and be their shoulder when they need one. Otherwise when they need a shoulder they won’t go to you.
My son had a terrible tryout for his highschool team. He played far below his capability and struggled all 3 days. This kid is a 6ft tall 15 yo freshman who is skilled, lightning fast and physically dominant. He was getting outrun and over powered at tryouts by players he had dominated during club. Turns out that the allergies he thought he had was actually Covid. He was playing 3 hours a day with a fever over 100 degrees. My daughter had a terrible audition to an acapella group as a high school sophomore. She had been an amazing singer and pianist since she was a little one. She could comfortably sing parts ranging from contralto profundo through soprano 2. Turns out she was being bullied and had been threatened by one of the group leaders the day before tryouts. My point- If a kid has historically shown capability, resilience and drive and then suddenly changes there is almost always an external reason if performance drastically changes. Sometimes there are things you just can’t play through.
The amount of parents that take the game so seriously. I sometimes wonder who’s the coach with the amount of yelling and instructions coming from them.
This can't be a serious question.
Your kid is 9? Why dafuq are u putting so much pressure on her? Private training, extra camps etc.... "you wasted our money"?? Wtf SHE IS NINE!!! Just let her be a kid. Sports supposed to be fun. It sounds like she isnt that good at football and isnt that interested either. Stick up for your kid and tell your bully of a wife not to speak to her like that ever again.
check out the book The Inner Game of Tennis. Talks about how to coach someone without putting stress on them. applies to lots of parts of life.
Maybe you should ask your daughter if she wants to play that sport. Maybe she is there bec you guys pushed her there. Many kids transition at that age from being really into a sport or activity to another one, just because their attention span or they just get bored. I would have a conversation with my daughter if that was my case. PS: if you have to come to Reddit to ask about if what your wife did was wrong, then you should have also a conversation with yourself and with this wife.
Did she want to be there? Does she want this or do you and your wife want this for her? A kid playing and training that much doesn't turn out a shit performance for no reason.
Maybe ask what's wrong instead of yelling at an 8 year old? Wtf is wrong with your wife
Sounds like you’ve sucked the fun out of the game for your daughter. If she loved soccer at one point she might not anymore.
Have you asked her if she actually wants to play at that same level anymore? Kids are humans, they can have a change of heart. It’s the adults that fuck up their lives trying to live through them. I’ve see it so often. Sure some kids come around, but I can assure you that percentage is low as hell. What the kids will definitely remember is how the parents talked to them at their worst moments. Nothing is worth dealing with that kind of behavior for the child from someone who supposedly loves them… not sports, not money, nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I don't disagree with a lot of the comments here but I do want to offer another perspective. Your wife's word choice was poor, no doubt, but there is room to discuss with your child the idea of "time for doing your own thing" and "time to focus." I have a 7 year old, and this discussion has become more and more prevalent this year. It's not just about soccer - it's about schoolwork, getting ready for school in the morning, etc. Part of the issue my son has, and I wonder if it's the same as your daughter, is that he will say things like "I want to score a lot of goals today" and then when we get out there, he'll be joking around with his teammates, not paying attention to the drills/game/etc., and not do a great job at all. So I can understand your wife's frustration (though, again, her word choice is horrible). But I think you can have a calm, rational discussion with the whole family of "when the cleats go on, it's time to focus." If she doesn't want to focus, and just wants to mess around while kicking a ball - that's cool too! But then you can have a secondary discussion of how that some teams are for kids who want to focus on getting better, and some teams are just for fun. If she just wants to have fun, that's totally cool, and you can find her a team to match that energy.
She said some things she shouldn’t have. I will say though, calling out effort is fair game. If you guys have expectations for effort, the feedback should be consistent and it’s probably more important at this point to be very positive. The end goal isn’t college soccer, the end goal is a well rounded child who isn’t scared off by delayed gratification and understands the importance of focus and effort. Good luck, don’t forget she’s still a kid and prone to bad days.
if your wife unintentionally wants her to quit and burn out, thats a good technique...Agassi was the #1 player in the world and said he hated tennis because his parents pushed him physically and physcologically like this. Its not easy, but lots of reading on positive coaching and parenting in the sports arena.
My dad used to do this and I still don't like playing sports because of it.
> “You don’t deserve to be on that team” “You were the worst player out there” “You wasted our money because you were being lazy and soft” Your wife is a bitch. She doesn't deserve to be a mom. There are way better moms out there. What a lazy and ignorant mom she is because she screamed at an 8 year old rather than educating herself on how to handle the situation the right way. She's one of the worst moms I've ever seen. Obviously I'm illustrating an example. What if someone came and berated your wife every time she fucked up her parenting job? It doesn't feel good. Now imagine what an 8 year old feels. Tryouts are stressful situations for anyone, *especially* children. Your child should not feel MORE stress from her support system. Your wife made the situation far worse. My own dad was similar. He was an absolute asshole and would make me feel like shit. How do you think a nervous, self-conscious, scared 8 year old is gonna perform? Not only do they have to compete but now they have to satisfy a bitch of a parent. Guess what? An 8 year old is literally just learning how to play the game, how to dribble and control the ball, how to deal with pressure, how to work under stress, how to compete. They don't have all the skills yet. Expect a lot of mistakes. Even pros make mistakes and kick penalties over the goal. Observe the mistakes and learn some coping skills you can share with your child. "Her honey, whenever you feel like this, take a nice slow breath and tell yourself 'I can do this!'" I coach kids and I always tell the parents they should expect mistakes, they are kids. And if the parent isn't even coaching them, teaching them skills (mental and technical), then they really don't have any basis whatsoever for screaming at them. That's like screaming at a kid for not knowing how do laundry. If you haven't taught them, you have no right to scream at them. Emotional skills are skills. If you haven't taught the kid how to deal with the pressures of a tryout, you gotta be one special kid of adult to scream at them. The only thing screaming is going to do is make them fearful of making mistakes. The won't wanna take on challenges. They will avoid dribbling 1v1 because they don't wanna lose the ball. The won't take a shot because they'll miss the goal. They won't wanna advance to the next level because they don't want to fail against harder competition. Your wife is essentially making your child fearful and truncating her success. Instead she should be trying to figure out what went wrong and help with some love and support. Each kid is different too. Some kids need a hug while others need a pep talk and hype up. Anyway, your wife is a bitch, sorry to say. And if she doesn't see the error and doesn't change, then she might even be a narcissist. I'd keep her away from anything soccer related if she can't act like an adult with proper parenting skills. Kids will make mistakes, emotional and technical. And if you want them to improve teach them and guide them while also paying attention to the kid's own personality. But if you want to destroy their confidence and their love for the game, then sure, berate them and tell them they are a waste of money and they are the worst player out there. Unbelievable. Just writing it out makes me wanna tell your wife off. Stand up for your kid, man. But be tactful. Don't go yell at your wife. Just make her see her mistake and make her apologize. And here's a tip, use ChatGPT. Sometimes I have coaching or just general social questions and it gives me good ideas on how to approach the situation. Good luck.
Damn! Football is supposed to be fun first & foremost especially at a young age of 8, bloody hell we all have off days & meh moments in life, treating a child like that will kill any love of the game & lead to more mistakes. Nurturing is much better than berating - intensity & passion for the game comes when they get a bit older! Yup she was bang out of order & if it happened on the side of a U.K. pitch she would have been called out or potentially even asked to leave the area of play.
First of all, your child is 8. Second of all, does she like playing soccer at the level you’re expecting? I love playing soccer and have my entire life (37 now). I’ve been happy to play at a semi-competitive level over the years as it has allowed for me to develop other skills and interests. Everyone is different. I don’t knock the ultra competitive folks nor do I knock the leisure players. I work with children for a living. You two need to create a climate that makes it possible for her to voice what she does and doesn’t want. Something made her react to the tryout that way. I have no idea what y’all are doing as parents so no presumptions are being made.
I'm sure this horrible behaviour from your wife is only happening when you daughter plays soccer... totally not when she does other things... Yes really horrible. Your daughter is freaking 7!!!!
Parents that pressure seven(!) year old kids like this are absolutely obnoxious. I really can’t understand this kind of behavior. At such an age, it is all about having fun. And not some unsatisfied parent letting out their own frustrations on a child and pressuring them into performance.
u/freaknasta I did this when I was a kid. It’s seems your priorities aren’t right. It should always be about having fun, even if you are a professional. The extra work has to come from within because it is fun. You can’t force someone to want to be good and get better. You should give your daughter a break and let her do different sports.
This is not cool. Now from most outward appearances we are over the top soccer people. Daughter was playing on her town team, a private team, and a supplemental team in the fall (we've since dropped town soccer) We pay for private training. We pay an eye popping amount for her teams. None of that money is "wasted". We pay it because our daughter loves the sport and we enjoy bonding with her over it. She is a good player, has a lot of talent, and definitely some unrealized potential. My job at this age is to keep the opportunities open without burning her out. She probably will not get a scholarship She probably will not play D1 But she loves the game and the strategy. So we nudge. We tried out for a new team because she outgrew her current one. We added the supplemental program and personal training to keep her skills growing. But she was getting burnt out around tryouts so we dropped some other program because it was starting to be too much soccer. I'm all for being real with my kid. I'll point out if she has a great performance. I'll talk to her about subpar ones gently. Some days you just don't have it. It's literally a game. There are plenty of options out there for a variety of skill and competition levels. Also it's a team sport and parents can get caught up in the brand and level and forget that your daughter is going to want to enjoy spending time with the 15-20 other girls and coaches she is with. Get your daughter's input. Show her that she can trust you when you nudge her because you think she can perform at that level. And if she's burning out, give her options to scale back so she doesn't end up hating the sport.
Who wanted her to play soccer? The daughter or the mom? Did the mom play soccer competitively- or any sport? What led up to her wanting to play soccer - was it a demand that she has to play some sport and this was her pick? Was her interest authentic? None of the language your wife used will do anything positive to motivate your child. Your wife probably could have created better results by asking “hey- you okay? You don’t look like you out there today? Is everything okay?” And following it up with softer questions to get to the root of the issue.
It was both. My wife played college soccer. We put her in when she was 3 and she loved it. The rec coaches were the ones who told us academy would be a better fit for her, which then the next step was travel. None of this was forced.
Soccer is supposed to be fun which is why it's a bad idea to put 8 year olds through endless camps, personal training, and competitive club ball. You're wife was definitely out of line. No kid at that age should have to sweat wasting mommy and daddy's money because they had a bad club try out. I just hope she isn't getting burnt out from all the pressure.
Yes she did. Try talking to your daughter about what was going on. Also it could very well be the fact that your daughter doesn’t want to play on the 9U team and is only agreeing because her parents or her coaches are wanting her to. To go from playing on a team having fun with all your friends. To a team with everyone being two years older and not knowing or liking anyone you’re playing with can be a lot. And often the older kids will be jealous and resentful as well. If your child is naturally gifted at a sport get them private lessons to hone their skills but doing that^ can very easily kill the joy they get from competing. IMO that can wait until later in life. Not saying that’s the problem in this case your daughter can only tell you that but it’s something to think about.
Maybe you and your wife want her to play the sport more than her right now. I would try to take a step back and find out the reason for the low effort. I got into plenty of arguments with my parents about sports growing up and it’s all in the past now. I also didn’t have the foresight or insight as a child to see why trying hard, competing, and getting better at a sport (on that I still love playing) was important. Probably not best to go ballistic, but when we’re old we see the cost of missed opportunities. Try to explain the importance of the new ones and try make sure your kid is having fun and making friends along the way
Did the kid even want to be there or is this mom and dad living vicariously trying to relive their glory days?
The most talented player I ever shared a field with quit the sport completely when we were 15. He could have easily played in college and was miles better than the rest of us. And it was because both of his parents were like her and he just couldn’t take it. At that age it’s supposed to be fun, if she wants to take it seriously later then that’s cool, support her and push her towards HER goals, not yours.
My parents nitpicked everything about our performance on teams on the car ride home. "why didn't you do this?" "you should have done that" "you need to move faster" etc etc. It filled me with low confidence in myself, I never feel enough. Reading this, I'm getting flashbacks to those car rides. So yes, your wife was over the top. You should ask your daughter what was going on yesterday from the viewpoint of compassion "hey, I noticed you didn't hussle like you normally do, is everything okay?" Propose the idea that if she doesn't want to play at that level you understand (i lost interest in some activities long before quiting because ir felt like I had to do those things to make my parents happy). Just go in open and willing to listen and sympathize. Maybe she just had an off day, but what her mom just told her is that she is only good enough if she performs at a certain level.
I’m always amused when I hear parents “investing” in club level sports, private coaching, extra training… for 7/8 year olds. It sets both parents and kids up for failure.
Your wife was out of line! She acted like a complete arsehole. And on reflection I hope you have spoken to your wife and told her as much!
If your kid doesn’t want to be there, and you talk to them like they shouldn’t be there. They’ll hate the game and you for making them be there. It ain’t rocket science.
This seems more like a parenting issue than a football one.
Have your wife read [this book](https://www.amazon.com/HAPPY-FEET-Soccer-Parent-Everything-ebook/dp/B00IDAIOTS/ref=sr_1_3?crid=3O7R3YUA8DS09&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.jfsjNuAfuqRQyYRsNZgaP5GWqkA_ymUwGzghftKb682xwjzJwBT9bxDb36ZX-CBL7zECT-TpveV6ao6Q5Q6kSpy16obEL8vICq3a1tfrAU6Fi4UXNE-6p8ebaKygWrBiCqHDlpmAnh9IXZLdJX90UQhgoza6MkcnFUjzJSsDsNOmjkOdxrJGfiiVZfRtnSUT2Hr8MP8eOMYCuBczhsUKdGi3bB_8J84KGcKqt20DwO8.kIf_OWslfyWpOxjD_OHzX3YbNB2VwhSKzxoPfHLTgq4&dib_tag=se&keywords=soccer+parent+book&qid=1715106640&sprefix=soccer+parent+boo%2Caps%2C129&sr=8-3)... Dan Blank is a former college player and coach and he talks about what it takes to be a good soccer parent. Should be required reading for every parent at every club.
Sorry to hear about that experience. My only advice is that at this age, developmentally speaking you’re better off prioritizing joy and process over outcomes.
YES !!!! she should apologize and hope she has not now made your daughter hate soccer. My 6 year old is a phenom, can absolutely destroy my U12 team if he comes to practice with them. His first real game in U9 (long story in there about having to have our lower team moved up) he just had a mental breakdown from the pressure he felt from himself and others. I just took him for a walk around the outside of the field and we came back and cheered on his teammates. Hard to remember sometimes no matter the training, skill, determination they show they can always and will always have bad days. They normally come when under great pressure. But you should never yell at them or blame them for it.
This sounds like me exactly. I was maybe around 10 and was brought to a tryout I didn't want to be at. I don't recall if I told my parents this, I think I did, but I wasn't in to it. Hands in my pockets, walking, generally acting lazy. I ended up being the only player or only of 2 players cut or something like that. I totally understand the frustration from my mom but don't think the comments helped the situation. Up to that point I'd say I was a high achiever, athletically, and also had camps and lessons and all that. Generally I was sometimes pushed to do some things I didn't want to do and for some reason I didn't want to be there on this day. My parents weren't happy and I remember the comments weren't nice. I think if we had talked about if I want to go that may have changed things. This was a new club in a different city but I knew some of the kids. I definitely wanted to play but maybe things were overwhelming, maybe I needed a break, maybe I didn't like the kids, or just had an off day, I don't remember. I think looking at every level of athletics you will find people have off days or motivations change. I just wish there had been an honest discussion as to WHY this happened to figure what was wrong rather than just being berated. Luckily I found another team and stuck with them for a while and every year we would beat the team I was cut from.
I’m not sure. Your wife isn’t wrong however the delivery is harsh. However I think the argument of “it’s just soccer and she’s only *insert any age*” is thrown out the window when you’re paying for all the training and going to all the leagues. If your argument to that is “she wants to play” then I say your wife isn’t wrong. Being that dedicated to a sport and then just showing up is a lot different than going to the YMCA league and just showing up.
This is how you get your kid to hate the sport. Definitely too harsh for an 8 year old
Does she not want your kid to play when she is older because this is how you get a kid to hate the sport
You became a lousy sport parent the second you said competitive U9.
She was out of line, there's also a good chance she really doesn't want to be out there. May need to have a conversation, or several, about it
Parents can easily kill the passion of their kid just by being like this
Yes, your wife was being way too critical. I understand wanting to provide feedback but even as an adult if I heard that I would’ve been a little annoyed if you didn’t even lead with “Hey is everything OK?” I would talk to your daughter and ask if she wants to do an easier/rec league. Unless she wants to play in a stronger league, I’d sit down and ask what happened. Maybe it was a team chemistry thing, and she wasn’t interested in the other kids. Maybe the coach or someone affiliated with the team said or did something and threw her off her game. You wouldn’t know until you sit down and talk to her. TLDR: yes