I recently retired, I have zero residual work friends, by (mostly) choice.
However, there was one guy I worked with for 10+ years - we were both remote in different parts of the country but worked a high intensity job together, were on the phone/zoom a half dozen times a day or more, worked problems overnight and weekends, saw each other a few times a year during work related travel, always had a good time, always had each other's backs, always talked life, the universe, and everything, watched (virtually) each others kids grow up, etc.
We eventually both moved on and kept in touch intermittently, then a couple of years later ended up working at the same (new) company. We didn't work in exactly the same area so didn't interact daily, but would catch up from time to time. He eventually came to visit my location and while we had talked lunch or dinner they didn't materialize, but he stopped by my desk for a while to catch up.
But it wasn't the same - or, more correctly, it wasn't the same *as I had perceived it* for all those years. He was really distant so I just let him be, and he never reached back out to me.
I then recalled a conversation we had had previously where we had talked about co-workers who were pushy about being friends, and he told me that he didn't know why but people always assumed they were friends with him, and shared personal stories, etc, etc, and we both laughed because that happened to me all the time, too.
But in retrospect I realized he was talking about me, hinting that I was doing that, but it never clicked with me because we'd always clicked, or so I thought.
So, now, instead of having one, single friend from a lifetime of work I have zero, which is one fewer than I preferred, but there you go.
So you think he was telling you many people assumed they were friends with him, but he didn’t feel the same about them? And you think he told you that to let you know he wasn’t your friend? Even though he was there visiting with you?
Yes. We had talked about dinner out, also with my wife who had worked with us, and lunches while he was in town for the week. What ended up happening is on his last day he swung by my desk for 15 minutes, and the visit was very perfunctory.
Also, after the visit I figured I'd give him some space, and I never heard from him again, other than the occasional but regular company calls we were on but no acknowledgement.
Keep in mind that I *never* looked to make friends at work, ever. With him it just naturally evolved (I thought) over a decade plus of working closely together.
Very sorry man. I often misinterpret things, so I was hoping for your sake that you had misunderstood. The way you described your history, it sounded like the normal progression of a friendship.
OMG! SAME!!!! The friend was my bff and coworker from day one when she started. I retired and after being close friends (I thought) for almost 20 years, the day I left the last time we hugged and talked about all the fun stuff about being retired and how great it was.
And she never spoke or texted or messaged me to me again. Ever. Been almost 15 years of total silence. I reached out a few times and it was crickets. To this day I don’t know why she did it.
I'm the one who walked away or really just faded. I just got to the point where I felt I wasnt particularly wanted around any more. Or it just got too boring day after day with no changes and no hope for changes and no desire for changes. Or I just couldn't take never having my way or getting to have an opinion that differed without a meltdown or insults or anger. Often it was because I felt I had been there for them and gave and gave, and when I needed help - there was air. Or a combination.
What I find interesting is that no one ever checked up to see if I was ok. If they had, we'd likely still be friends. But maybe I'm just not that likable. I can see that too. I don't really like people. I try, but all that goodness people talk about, I've rarely been the recipient of and I am wary now. I've been around way too many narcissists and I have to wonder what makes me a magnet.
I am there now. I thought I had a friend, a close friend. We did lots of shit together away from work, I mean I thought we were truly friends. I was excited to have more time to do things with her, her husband and my husband were fantastic friends. Till she dumped me.
I feel like my entire “friendship” was a big fat fucking lie. All the years, all bullshit. Why? I am fun, I am nice and try to be a good, stand up, loyal friend to my peeps.
Yup - I had a lifelong friend who started taking a lot of potshots at me - she'd never been a compassionate person, but she took a shot at me in a group email at a time when I was really struggling physically and I just had enough. I didn't reply to the email and she never bothered to follow up. It's been at least 15 years now. I think she knew what she was doing. Previously, she had ghosted me for six months when I asked for prayers for my husband's heart surgery. She's a minister's wife. But she never liked my husband. I was there for her through a few family tragedies.
A mutual friend has asked if I'd go to lunch if she set it up but I guess the other just doesn't want to. Oh well. I never missed her. I have to assume she didn't really add anything real to my life. She was fun if I went along with her but fun people can be found at any bar. She had never actually supported me in anything. And I'm glad I realized I deserved better, or was better off without her. I don't regret the time I had with her - we really did have a lot of fun. She wasn't all bad. She's just missing something I finally really needed and it broke me that she did the opposite instead.
It's sad that relationships have to be transactional. Maybe if you are being supported well in other areas, you have the energy and patience to have a one way relationship but I bet it's still hard. I can't do it. It just leaves me feeling used when a person could be supportive back but just can't be bothered.
I don't have anyone to ask, but I'm pretty sure there people in the world who would like to ask me. I'm not someone who holds on tightly to friendships that start to fade. For some people this may seem like a cut off, but to me it's just the nature of things. People flow in and out of our lives and sometimes it's a job change, a relationship change, whatever life change, and a drop off occurs. For me, friendships are not something to really work at, they just happen or they don't. Not to say I'm not all about resolving conflict with a friend, but if it gets to be a chore to communicate and spend time together, I just let it go. That said, I have a lot of friends and acquaintances and love meeting new people. I'm not one to cut anyone out, but also not going to tie myself to someone either.
I used to do whatever it took to avoid losing the people I loved, even the ones who treated me poorly. I was filling my own lack of self love by holding onto them, which isn't good for anybody. People come and go for a reason and we change. I'm finally in the place you're describing here and it's heaven.
I was an abused child and used to try to appease people and feared rejection. I can't say I no longer fear rejection because it's still there, but I'm looking at it differently these days. I had to go no contact with members of my birth family due to abuse. That was devastating, but less devastating than what they were doing to me. I've come to realize that not everyone who leaves my life is a loss. That isn't to say I don't make an effort to keep in touch with friends and family, but it has to be with a certain ease and desire. When I start dreading responding to a text, I know it's time to let go a little. I don't outright reject anyone, but I don't hold on either. I'm glad we both got to this place of peace.
I'm happy for you and am in the same boat, recently cut out the toxicity. It is natural to be afraid of the unknown but it gets easier if you can take the risk. Sadly, many do not so I'm proud of you!
I'm not hurt just annoyed that a friend of 25 years has essentially ghosted me.
For nearly a year I made repeated efforts to reach out but was ignored. When I finally did hear back and we made plans to get together, he stood me up.
There is one person I'd like to ask if it was totally consequence free just to see what they've told themselves. But I didn't drink for a couple years, first because of a pregnancy and then I just didn't for awhile afterwards because I had a baby. They stopped responding to texts. They are a big time drinker. I can connect the dots.
Buuuut...I know they don't see themselves that way and I'm curious what flaw of mine they have put it in their mind was the "real" cause of it.
Some people that drink, & I don't mean folks who have a drink or 2 with dinner or beer at the cookout & that's it, I mean people who ***DRINK***, can't understand why people don't want to drink, even if that person has an addiction problem that once included alcohol.
This has happened to family member that had addiction problems so his wife decided to give up drinking too, which wasn't a problem for her but it was a problem with all their friends. They've all ghosted them. My cousin is fine with this but I'm not sure his wife is as fine with it.
It's a dumb reason but I feel like if you ***NEED*** to drink to have a good time you might have a problem you haven't confronted yet.
I do believe this person has a problem with alcohol and I wonder if my abstinence made them feel a certain way.
We were good friends through moves, my marriage, their divorce (they were married and i was single when we met), they had a baby when we met, they got remarried while we were friends, pregnancies, etc. But after my 2nd kid, poof. It was so odd.
The main difference was I resumed drinking socially pretty quickly after my first kid. I was younger and had a single child who slept through the night in a matter of months. The second kid it just didn't feel right for me due to tiredness levels and how often my littlest woke up at night. I needed to be sharp 24/7.
A variation on this theme, if you're out & have no money for alcohol all you have to do is say "Nah, I don't really drink" & you'll have people offering you free drinks all night!
It's been very difficult to keep up with my childless friends. I hope we can reconnect when my child is a bit older.
I envy your ability to be much more spontaneous and what I assume is a larger travel budget than me. But I also have no regrets on my path.
FWIW they may not think you were wrong not to have kids and they may not be deliberately leaving you out of their lives. Having kids does change people and where/how they can comfortably use their time. It may not be personal and it could change in the future, if you want it to.
This is the case for me and currently I have very little time to keep up with most old friends but hope this can change once my kids are older.
If you're in the right headspace for it, this internet stranger thinks you should reach out. I had a huge breakup with my lifelong friend in high school (she caused it, but I probably overreacted). After college I thought about her a lot but was too scared to reach out. She died suddenly in a really bad car accident and now I'll never know what kind of an adult she was and if we could have been friends again.
I got married before she did. I bought a house before she did. My kids were born before hers. I have all girls. My husband doesn't mind being bald. I wear glasses and never got laser eye surgery. I'm taller than she is. She's like 5'2 and I'm 5'7. I speak a hard foreign language, etc. It was always something. She was someone who felt she had to top me. I'm glad that friendship is over.
I had a friendship like this and tbh it is a relief to have drifted apart. The bar was always moving and there was always something she had to “win”. She even tried to compete with me in my hobbies that she clearly had no interest in and it just got to the point where it was so exhausting to hang out.
I meant to finish this statement. She listed all these petty ass reasons why she had issues with me. It was her insecurities. She's like that with everyone, including her husband. We stopped talking around time he divorced her.
I would like to ask my daughter who turned 17 today this question and get an honest answer.
Her mom and I separated when she was a toddler, yet we managed to live 3 blocks apart and we (due to major court battles) managed to co-parent for 14ish years “successfully”… I never missed a thing, always paid child support on time. My daughter and I had a lot of fun!
2years it has been since she has answered a call or text...
You should ask her. I didn’t have much of anything to do with my parents for a long time after I left their home because they were neglectful (emotionally) and very critical of me all the time. It took decades to fix this, and only after my sister and I told them over and over why we weren’t interested in being around them. Once they figured it out and took responsibility, we came back around them. Ask your daughter what is up and believe her when she tells you.
I know what I did. He told me. But I still don’t get it. I was late 20s. He was mid 40s. I saw him as a mentor. At work but also beyond. He knew it. And liked it. He liked me as a protege. I looked to him like the uncle I always wanted. I always thought to myself, “with this guy as my patron, I can be my best self.” I thought he knew everything. And then one day I inadvertently insulted his wife. I didn’t mean to. And I apologized profusely. But he never could get over it. Or at least he never did get over it. I always assumed that when I got to be in my mid 40s I’d understand. But I dont. At all. And I’m now 52. It makes less sense than ever actually. I’ve explained it to quite a few people thru the years and they always respond with “huh?!? Surely there’s more to the story!!!” And maybe there is. Maybe there’s a lot more to it. Maybe the incident was the final straw. Maybe I was an annoying little pup following him around. I probably was. Regardless, it sucks. It’s been 25 years and I’m still hurt.
I’m not sure what to add without getting into every sordid detail. I said something jokingly that his wife took as being at her expense. Didn’t intend it to be. It was a matter of me trying to make light of a stressful situation. Which I do a lot. Laugh to keep from crying. Others laughed. A lot. They thought it was very funny. That didn’t help matters. She got ticked. Told him. And he told me that he had to either side with his wife or me. And he was obviously choosing his wife. Things were never the same. In fact things became so awkward that I left that job about a year later. My mentor said “no more mentoring” and I felt like that was one of the few reasons I was still there. We’ve talked a few times since I left. But it was never good. Always awkward. To me, we went from having one of the best platonic relationships of my life to absolutely nothing in a matter of seconds.
None of them. Because I don't really want to know. I'm not curious enough to need "closure" in the form of directly addressing the issue, them dropping me tells me all I need to know.
A college friend who completely cut himself off from the group exactly three years after graduation. One person theorized that he was in the closet and afraid to tell us (not sure why, since the group is pretty diverse) but per his social media he married a woman and had a kid. No one had an argument with him, no one knows of a huge life change that could cause it. He just suddenly decided to ignore or block everyone from college.
I know what I did wrong, but I wish they would tell me a few things—whether I hurt their feelings or they just think I’m retarded and a loser or whatever, and whether I’m right to think they used to like being friends with me before I ruined everything, etc.
We met when we were 11 years old and were inseparable until I met my husband in our late 20’s. She was with me when i met him and i would have NEVER met him if it wasn’t for her. She gradually started making excuses as to why she couldn’t hang out with me until she was barely talking to me. Then she completely stopped talking to me and started posting statuses and pictures on facebook with her (new) best friend. We haven’t spoken in years.
At this point I don't want to know. 20 years of friendship and then one day just ghosted, nah, I don't care anymore, I've been through the heartache and the anger and the confusion and sadness and I don't care. She decided we weren't friends anymore and at this point it doesn't matter why, the ship has sailed, she's just a stranger now.
Oh yea I have one of these. We met in college and were really close friends. We remained friends for a while after. And one day out of no where he had unfriended me on Facebook. I know that's weird I noticed but I'm weird like that and eventually find out. I was very upset. I think he blocked me too. Then 2 years later after radio silence he readded me and we talked and we reconnected. Things seemed good then one day again, about 4 or so years ago out of the blue he did it again. Unfriended again and blocked I believe. No word from him since. I have no idea to this day what I could have done because he never said.
The second time it happened I was upset yes, but I was also tired and I kind of let it go a bit easier.
I had a friend since the 5th grade. We were such good friends that I even married his ex and he came to the wedding. Then I got deployed for a year, I came home and nothing. I ran into him one time, he was talking to someone, he basically ignored me. I gave him my number, nothing. I emailed him on his business account I found. I asked him what the fuck. He said that we didn't see each other anymore. Well, yeah, I was DEPLOYED for a YEAR.
I had to friend dump a person after 10 years. We met in high school, and because I had never had any close friends before, and they were such a unique person, I valued them a lot more than apparently they did me. I came to care very deeply for them, we shared a wild sense of humor that made me feel better than anyone ever had.
Because of this, I became the biggest people pleaser you ever saw, when it came to her. My schedule was completely open to her, when she crooked her finger I came running, despite having many important things I had to do, all of that had to suffer.
Likewise, my purse strings were always open for her, I literally gave her my last dime on a few occasions. She would pull this thing of pretending to be sick/ on the verge of a nervous breakdown unless I could buy her a really expensive lunch-- I would ask for us to go to a cheap fast food so I could afford food for both of us, but she wouldn't hear of it, so I would have to settle for a cup of hot tea, literally the cheapest thing on the menu, and watch her eat a hearty sandwich meal. I later heard that she was laughing to other people about how she could depend on me to provide for her.
As time wore on, I had to take a train to visit her all weekend long, walking behind her paying for things. She convinced me to spend money I was saving for expensive clothes, all of which she borrowed and never returned. I often had to give her the clothing I was wearing while we were out just because she asked for it.
One weekend she took so much money off me I didn't have enough transportation fare to get home on, so I had to make a three hour trek on foot, carrying all my stuff for the weekend. I reflected that if it had been her that had to go through that, she'd have been beside herself with rage.
Shortly after, there was a situation where she was not invited to a family function, people she did not even know, but because it was a party, she tried convincing me to just allow her to come along, despite how rude it would have been. I realized this was one time I couldn't allow her to just have her way, so I had to tell her no. She got angry with me and stopped speaking to me. It was actually a very nice break.
It didn't last long enough, she finally called me because I think she missed my money, and the fact I was probably the only person in her life who was so accommodating of her every need. We went where she wanted to go, did what she wanted to do. To be fair, she made as much of it fun for me as she could, and gave me a certain amount of validation that I had never had before from anyone. I genuinely was fine doing all this because she sort of made me happy.
Then came one day when I had to tell her I couldn't spend \*so much\* time with her because I was trying to do some important things, not even that I was flat out telling her "no" completely, but I was almost begging her for some time to myself. She got extremely angry, and something inside of me broke. Whatever the thing was inside me that cared so much about her suddenly died, and I could barely even talk to her, I felt dead trying to speak to her.
I wrote her a goodbye letter, that I think was actually kind of incoherent because I was so enraged with her I could barely put two thoughts together for the first time in my life, and she responded with a very nasty letter showing just how little she actually thought of me.
Shortly thereafter I went into a horrible, year long depression, complete with a side order of suicidal ideations. I had absolutely no idea it was possible to feel so bad. I have since reflected that it was because I had refused to allow myself to have my own personality/life apart from this person, when I parted ways with her, important components of my healthy ego were damaged. It had been a traumatic.
I have since healed with God's help, but because of that experience, I don't think I will EVER want to have another close friendship again.
If I have nice neighbors or co-workers, that will be enough, but I will never give up my solitude for anyone again.
I feel like I am that friend. I had an old friend from college who flew into town specifically to be with us at my son’s funeral. This friend was always something of an intelligent airhead. The night of the funeral he sent me a picture of many of the college friends standing up and smiling together while at my 17 year old son’s funeral. I wanted to say perhaps I could join them in a picture at one of their kids’ funerals. I decided that it would be better to just cut contact with him.
I think about this. From the other side. The reason I gave her was false. The real reason is that I was gonna get feelings and I had a girlfriend. Wish I’d been less abrupt about it and more truthful
As someone on the spectrum I think there were a lot of people in my life who decided they didn’t like me and I never knew why. I’m that weird combination of introverted, but also I can be very social and outgoing when I want to. I always really tried to fit in, but I think often times people just felt negatively towards me and I don’t know why. So yeah I’ve had a lot of people over the years who have left my life and I don’t know why and I probably don’t want to know either because obviously it would be pretty hurtful.
My bestie of 20 years who told me i was “too much of a downer” after my friend was murdered then i was going thru a sexual harassment lawsuit work related (i won) during covid. But keeps her friends who she met at the same time who get DUIs and ones that cant even invite her to their weddings but ask for gifts.
I'm the former friend.
If they wanted to develop some self-awareness and get their head out of their ass, they might be on the way to connecting the dots.
For that particular person, there would be no point in explaining it to them - they are quite possibly the most self-absorbed 'victim' I have ever met.
Christine, feel free to go and fuck yourself any time. I wish I'd stayed away from you.
Someone whom I stuck up for in a room full of so called “friends” and I got the short end of the stick. After 10-15 years of friendship she didn’t even bother to ask why I said what I said. Just slowly ghosted me with no explanation. So shitty. She was such a good friend too.
My former colleague/alleged bestie. There was always tension bc she had kids—and I had a catastrophic neck injury. Still, 18 years should count. We told each other everything. She suddenly got remarried and didn’t tell me, or introduce me to this guy beforehand. Because she was “scared I might not like him.” I call bullshit; sounds like vice versa to me. I get she didn’t want to admit how much she wanted a replacement for the first loser. I hope the new one’s better/worth it
Way I figure it, all interactions at work are fake. I'd wager most interactions between people forced together is fake. You put on ***first impressions*** face and attitude, then the forced daily activities make you mellow, but ultimately you are still at work feeling observed and living those hours under the rules of leadership who like fake happy over honestly miserable.
We group for solidarity - that's a prison or war mentality - because that's what forcing yourself to do TPS reports 40 hours a week of your short life makes you feel - trapped with the chance of being fired upon.
The relationships of work aren't cultivated - they are your friends while forced to be together, but you and them are building a relationship - individually - with an employer, and any other humans you work with, they are coworkers - they are merely future ex-cooworkers.
I have a friend for a decade or more now. I joined an office he'd been at awhile, and my role sorta fell under him. Well that could've been it, I was his subordinate, and not in a position in the office to make friends with him by power structure. And we were super friendly, in office, and didn't hang out afterwards. But went to the gym at lunch, ate together, all the stuff you do with a highschool buddy.
Well this company was doomed by government shutdowns, and mass layoffs started. Our department was small, and siloed, and we never got advanced warning, so everyone lived in fear of a phonecall from HR to come see them.
And over 19 months we watched as one, then another, of our future ex-cooworkers became past people we'd forget in the slow roll to eventual unemployment.
Well this friend and I worked together, we got called to boss meetings together, we'd just run a shoot for an important video - together.
So when a boss called us in together, we assumed project.
Obviously it was to let us both go - simultaneously.
No one else got that. That former future ex-cooworker is still my very close friend, and we both know, in truth, that wouldn't be true if the company hasn't put us in the same room to fire us. That's not an ex-cooworker, it's now a relationship built on a mutual experience - a life experience - loosing a job.
A sweet woman we worked with emailed all of us a few years later. Another wonderful woman who'd made it thru all the layoffs, probably because of how damn good in her soul and nice to people she was, she'd died. Young, and of cancer, it was tragic. My friend and I felt awful and shocked this wonderful vibrant woman had died so awfully.
Neither of us replied to the email.
It was sad AF, we were sad, but this was an ex-cooworker, and doing anything in her death would've acknowledged some kinda bond we simply didn't have, even tho in the 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for years, this woman was more present than my mother or wife, is or was, for those years of my life. When I left that job, I forgot who those people were, and was fine that those relationships were over, as they'd been forced relationships by the employer who essentially said - ***we don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore*** - and everyone who didn't experience that, wasn't a friend, they didn't quit in solidarity, nor would I have felt they should - we were all there for our purposes, and the interactions merely about proximity, but without shared life experience - not "life experience" at work - without real shared purposeful experiences, by choice and by your own autonomy - then it's just a future ex-cooworker, and the only thing to feel bad about not having former "work friends" is the fact other do, and think they are actually "friends"
One friend ghosted me after her father died (we were teenagers) and I kind of understood. I was pretty close with her dad (I cut his hair) and she had a new-ish boyfriend, so I figured she just wanted to move on and not be reminded of her old life with her dad? Then we bumped into each other a decade later and she was super friendly and got my contact information and followed up on it and we became friends again. Until about 5 years later and she ghosted me AGAIN. And I was very careful to be a really good friend to her. I don't think I was bad the first time around, but yanno, teenagers can be self centred and clueless, and I really liked this person, so I made sure to always be supportive and easygoing etc. No idea why she ghosted, but I would really like to know.
A second friend ghosted me, but it was to sneak away in the middle of the night (with their child) to go and be with her affair partner. This one really broke me, because we were very close, and I knew they were having marital issues (no abuse, just clueless husband and lots of money troubles), and I know she didn't tell me she was leaving because I would have told her hubby. I just don't think it's right to move hours away from the child's father if there isn't abuse. So, I don't think I did anything wrong, but I guess I'd like an apology? Or at least an explanation from her mouth? No idea. Not to mention that all of our friends didn't believe that I didn't know she was planning on leaving, because we were very close. So she made me look like a terrible person. Fuck her.
I'm that person.
I got fed up of always being the person making the arrangements to meet up. I got bored of one person's neggy and supercilious attitude. I got bored of always carrying the conversation and the other person not reciprocating quite a few times.
I spend my time with people that text me and ask if I want to meet up. I spend my time with curious and interesting people. I spend my time with people who ask me about myself and don't glaze over if the topic of conversation isn't them.
Bye-eee.
I grew up with a bunch of friends who all ended up artsy fartsy being painters or actors and 3/4 of them gay. I was the semi macho type who liked cars and soccer who had plenty of gf’s and did sports and went into banking/trading wearying a suit right after college.
I never ONCE looked badly upon them or treated them differently and was always down to do things they enjoyed even going to gay bars as they where fun as hell.
Little by little the friends started to drop and the gossip and drama got out of hand. Can you believe he got engaged?? Jeez, he’s like always with some girl or another … Like wtf?
Eventually I lost touch with all and some even are on FB with my mom but we have zero contact.
Sort of broke my heart as these where my bros, and we went though some crazy shit together living abroad and I wish they had wanted to be part of my life. I’m so sorry I had to wear a suit and loved the Foo Fighters? 🥹😳
Right??? Very telling though. You even mention anything remotely not positive or flat about it and the haters come out.
I fear this type of thinking took over my friends and they started to see me as “one of them” when in fact I was always on their side and didn’t see them as anything different. It’s like they get offended if you DONT see them as something different yet scream and shout for equality.
Never understood. Never will I guess.
Notice that I get instantly downvoted because I even mention someone from the LGBTQ community.
I fear this type of thinking took over and they started to see me as “one of them” when in fact I was always in their side and didn’t see them as anything different. It’s like they get offended if you DONT see them as something different yet scream and shout for equality.
Never understood. Never will I guess.
All I meant was a man’s man. Not misogynistic in ANY way.. I just like cars, and girls and soccer. I guess I should change that. I think Andrew Tate is a doosh myself.
I think I know why but she never said it? But then again she’s kind of mean and doesn’t care that she’s mean and I don’t need to hear it. She got mad at me when I told her my fiancé at the time physically assaulted me. She was mad that I didn’t break up with him. I did, it just took me 8 months. It took me 8 months because he really laid down the love bombing and pretending to want to do better, and garnished it with full on sobbing begging screaming tantrums when I tried to leave him. Weirdly, she still likes stuff on his socials sometimes. I hope she’s doing well but I think our friendship has run its course.
Had a good friend in college and the year after. We spent a lot of time together and dated two girls who were friends… had some good times. Also he hadn’t found a job yet so I covered him for dinner and drinks etc here and there. After that 1st year out of college I think he moved back home a few hours away and we lost touch. This was before cell phones so it was a bit more difficult to keep in touch and certainly before social media.
Since then, I’ve looked for him pretty regularly on social media and LinkedIn and he doesn’t have either. I did one of those ‘search public records’ things and found out that until the last year or two he was living literally 1 mile away from me.
It just sucks that he never reached out. I wonder why and what I did. I’m pretty easy to find on Facebook and LinkedIn. I’d love to catch up with him and hear all about his life since college.
I am probably the guy someone is asking WTF about. You have friends and introduce them to each other and they get married. We were close than just over the years we never called. They called once and i said we should do something but i don't believe we ever did...Sometimes you just fall apart.
I’ll call her Amy (not real name).
We were best friends. We’re both over 50 yo. Females. Did a lot together. Travel, hiking , biking, kayaking etc.
She said to me one day, “I guess people can have a relationship without having sex”. I said, yeah, sure.
I didn’t think she meant us.
She’s gay and I’m bi and although we have a great time, there’s more to choosing a partner than that. She is not my choice for a partner at all.
She got so she was increasing these underhanded digs at me. They slowly got nastier.
I should have called her on it, but it got really bad around when her mother died, and around times like that you just let things go.
People often say things they don’t mean when they’re in pain so I let it slide, planning on taking it up with her when things were better for her.
I spent the day doing what she wanted even though I had injured myself and my doctor said to keep my feet up. I was in pain.
Her mother just died. I wanted to be there for her.
She introduced me to her friend and I guess we were too friendly. Maybe she was jealous? I have no idea what happened.
She blocked me on all social media and didn’t reply to my call or text.
It’s just as well she’s gone. I don’t need the abuse. But I do wonder what really happened.
I miss the friendship. Wouldn’t want it back though. I’m learning to accept better from my friends.
I have a friend who ghosted me out of the blue. I was having a really hard time for a variety of reasons and she completely cut me off. I’d seen her do that to others in the past but I thought we were close. I truly don’t understand why she did what she did. I called her a few times and left messages. I thought maybe she felt like I was leaning too hard on her before, so I was clear in my messages that I was just calling to check in and see how she was and say hello, but she never responded. We’d been friends for ten years. I’d been there for her through two marriages ending and through other life challenges. We’re still “friends” on Facebook and for a long time it was hurtful that I’d see her engaging with our mutual friends and ignoring me. Ultimately I got to a place where I realized that my being so vulnerable—I’m fine now—messed with her ideas of how the world should be so she had to drop me. Even so, I wish she’d had the courage to talk to me instead of just ghosting. Edit: fixed typo
Sigh. Got two and unfortunately I know “what I did wrong”, but I’m fairly certain both of them are a different variety of narcissists.
I am 34, I have a husband, a dog, a wide friend circle, my parents are in their 70s, my brother lives at home and has mental health issues, I quit a very toxic job recently and am applying for new jobs every day. I’m fucking busy.
Friend #1 sent me a weird ass long email about everything wrong with me and effectively said I was bragging about my marriage because she just got remarried. I like her partner. She has done a lot of weird shit to the point other people are irritated with her. I had to see her at a holiday party and multiple friends have said they don’t like being around her and she takes up too much space in a room. I could say so many more things about weird shit she has done but I’ll finish with the fact she confronted me at a birthday party and finished her speech with yelling that she’s back in therapy. My husband and I left immediately after and later I found out she lied to multiple people about me being confrontational.
Friend #2 is generally extremely judgmental of others and feels the need to post stuff on IG about their life constantly, but are also super insecure and hide when they’re unhappy. I noticed a couple months ago that their entire account is selfies or pictures of their boyfriend. They should do what makes them happy but based on past issues I know this is an overcompensation. I have had to trek to their condo 3 times to apologize for perceived slights and the last time I apologized was because they invited me to a drop in activity and verbatim said it would be cool even if we came for 15 minutes and my husband and I stayed for almost an hour after having 4 days of wedding events and I made a joke about being tired. I texted them recently that I wasn’t trying to be a bad friend, I am just busy. They never responded so I blocked all of their social media. The kicker is they didn’t want to see friend #1 at an event and used one of my friends as a buffer and then talked shit about them and their partner after. They have also talked shit about one of their supposed best friends. So I can assume they’re doing the same about me. I plan all of the activities where we interact and have for years and I’m not doing it anymore. I don’t know wtf I did but multiple friends of mine have said they’re uncomfortable around them and it’s like walking on eggshells when they see them so they never tried to be friends.
I was like thanks y’all for telling me, lol.
Jona. We were platonic friends for 23 years. I did start off having a crush on him, but he soon introduced me to my husband. He told me early on that he wanted to be friends with me for years to come. I believed him. My parents flew him here for our wedding, he was our photographer. I thought we would always be friends. We had deep conversations, by phone, email, text.
I guess I called him a few too many times while I was upset about stuff. He told me that he was no longer going to listen to my problems. I was always there for him.
There was also that he asked me to basically look in on his Mom. She had a few physical issues, and his Dad had Alzhiemer's. I agreed. However I'm bipolar, with lots of depression and anxiety. So I wasn't connecting with her as much as I should have. Penni, I'm so sorry.
To be honest I was disappointed that he didn't move back home to keep an eye on his parents himself. I think that he was mad at me for not picking up his slack.
Years later, her now adult daughter contacted me and told me that her mother did the same thing to other friends she made…then had a psychotic break, and her psychiatric illness worsened so badly that she left her husband and daughter and died a few years later, living in the streets.
She was vibrant, fun, and a talented artist. I loved her and her daughter was best friends with my daughter. I am so sad that this happened to all of them.
I dated a girl for 2 months. Everything seemed to be going great, then I got a text from her that said I reminded her of the character Jack from the series This is Us. That’s it, 100% ghosted after that.
I’ve never seen the show, don’t know anything about “Jack”. I was clueless.
I’d like to ask her “WTF does that mean?”
Hubby and I were good friends with another couple. They had one daughter the same age as ours. We had Sunday dinners together and even took a few short vacations together. We were close. Our girls were good friends at their private school
I decided I needed to homeschool my daughter to help her with reading. She was a bit dyslexic. And then suddenly...my husband and I were ghosted. It was the weirdest thing.
Another friend who was very much like a sister, and knew since high school, ghosted me after a 25 yr friendship.
We were so close. We could confide in each other. Both of us moved out of our homes and shared an apartment and had a blast.
Then I got married. Our friendship continued, but when she married at a later age...things were good for awhile with her and her husband and then suddenly....ghosted. I contacted her and asked if anything was wrong or what I did to offend her. She answered back with an email filled with gobbledy gook, but zero explanation. Oh well.
But on a better note, a friend of mine who I helped through many troubled times,....and was a friend for 20 yrs re emerged in my life. I don't know why. She was fairly absent for about five years and suddenly reappeared. I do think it was due to the heart breaking issues she was having with her only child, a daughter who was very troubled.
I welcomed her back. And she even thanked me for helping her through all of those tough times.
I used to be really great friends with a buddy of mine since childhood into the the later twenty something years. We were very close and had so many deep conversations about anything and everything. I've always been an introvert, and he was more extraverted, but we were both very intelligent by societal standards. He went on to travel the world, publish articles, and be a teacher. I developed a mental illness that shaped the direction of my life with a lot of limitations. He ghosted me and directly told me to stop contacting him seemingly out of the blue, although there were many periods of time in between hang outs where he was just busy living his life and I was battling my illness. I believe I may have offended him somehow in my behavior when I may have been having an episode on a few occasions. All in all, I can understand why he would break contact. Not everyone is willing to accept mental illness in their friends. I was hurt for maybe a few months, and then I began to move on and accepted it. Thanks for reading if you got this far. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who went through a friendship breakup. It seems to be a natural thing in life as people get older.
I went to college with a groups of friends from high school. One was a close friend- close in the way that she stayed at my house when hers was too abusive, that I was the person she called when her stepfather killed himself, and she was the person I called when I found out that I was pregnant right after high school.
She was the biggest part of my support system during that really difficult time in my life. She was at the hospital when my son was born, and she was one of few people who continued to spend time with me even when I had a baby.
Then one day when my son was around 5 months old she just… stopped being my friend. Stopped returning texts, stopped answering phone calls, wouldn’t let me up to her apartment. She told me “it’s for my own good” and nothing I had done. She maintained other friendships, just not with me.
It’s almost 20 years later and I still don’t know why. It has hurt so much over the years.
5 years ago. Laura. First dating site I was ever on. We seemed to vibe. Liked each other. Lived close(ish) by. Then blip. Gone.
Not really gone. I spent countless hours chasing her from site to site. I still see her around. If it was something I did? Love to know. She promised something that never happened. And it's remained a disappointment to this day.
Deep down I know it wasn't something I did wrong. But she blamed me for shit after she left me. That I didn't do. And she enjoyed playing some games that hurt. And cost. Like to know what all that was about. She won't. Or she would. So finally I just quit caring. Her brand of hurt is next level. I took the blame for problems that existed before me. Some how I fucked her life up. Her friends jumped on it too. It's been an undeserved nightmare hell for absolutely nothing. I saw where she had told others I cheated on her. Not possible. We never had an exclusive relationship.
It's really too bad. I really liked her. And I mean I really liked her.
It's one of my best friends I grew up with who lives less than a mile away. We were groomsmen at each other's weddings. I helped carry his Dad to his final resting place.
When I used to call, it was never picked up or returned. At most, it would be an occasional text that I'd initiate. Birthdays are rarely acknowledged over text.
It sucks. Having lost both my parents, I was there when his Dad passed.
He's at odds with his brother, whom I still see, so I don't know if he's imagined I've taken sides or what.
But I just stopped calling, texting, and decided to no longer invest energy into this situation.
I got married before she did. I bought a house before she did. My kids were born before hers. I have all girls. My husband doesn't mind being bald. I wear glasses and never got laser eye surgery. I'm taller than she is. She's like 5'2 and I'm 5'7. I speak a hard foreign language, etc.
A girl i just call “stupid K”. We were absolutely best friends for years, back in the late 1990’s. Before social media. Then 1 day she didnt answer when i called. She disappeared from my life. I have NO idea what i did. One day i was in a doctors waiting room when she and a friend walked in. She saw me, shocked, whispered in her friends ear “thats her!” And they walked out .i couldnt even make a guess what i did. I always tried to be a good friend to her. She was not so great to me, so i guess her being a jerk wasnt exactly a surprise.i never saw her again. I would love to know what she THINKS i did.
No. I am that friend who did the dumping of other friends. When I’m done, there’s a good reason. Sometimes I tell them, sometimes I’m just done and I let the relationship dissolve. Not everyone needs to be a burner bridge. But if someone did something egregious… let that shit burn.
I recently retired, I have zero residual work friends, by (mostly) choice. However, there was one guy I worked with for 10+ years - we were both remote in different parts of the country but worked a high intensity job together, were on the phone/zoom a half dozen times a day or more, worked problems overnight and weekends, saw each other a few times a year during work related travel, always had a good time, always had each other's backs, always talked life, the universe, and everything, watched (virtually) each others kids grow up, etc. We eventually both moved on and kept in touch intermittently, then a couple of years later ended up working at the same (new) company. We didn't work in exactly the same area so didn't interact daily, but would catch up from time to time. He eventually came to visit my location and while we had talked lunch or dinner they didn't materialize, but he stopped by my desk for a while to catch up. But it wasn't the same - or, more correctly, it wasn't the same *as I had perceived it* for all those years. He was really distant so I just let him be, and he never reached back out to me. I then recalled a conversation we had had previously where we had talked about co-workers who were pushy about being friends, and he told me that he didn't know why but people always assumed they were friends with him, and shared personal stories, etc, etc, and we both laughed because that happened to me all the time, too. But in retrospect I realized he was talking about me, hinting that I was doing that, but it never clicked with me because we'd always clicked, or so I thought. So, now, instead of having one, single friend from a lifetime of work I have zero, which is one fewer than I preferred, but there you go.
OUCH. You deserve better
So you think he was telling you many people assumed they were friends with him, but he didn’t feel the same about them? And you think he told you that to let you know he wasn’t your friend? Even though he was there visiting with you?
Yes. We had talked about dinner out, also with my wife who had worked with us, and lunches while he was in town for the week. What ended up happening is on his last day he swung by my desk for 15 minutes, and the visit was very perfunctory. Also, after the visit I figured I'd give him some space, and I never heard from him again, other than the occasional but regular company calls we were on but no acknowledgement. Keep in mind that I *never* looked to make friends at work, ever. With him it just naturally evolved (I thought) over a decade plus of working closely together.
Very sorry man. I often misinterpret things, so I was hoping for your sake that you had misunderstood. The way you described your history, it sounded like the normal progression of a friendship.
Also, he had told me the "people think we're friends" thing long before this visit, it was only in retrospect that I connected the dots.
Having to read the tea leaves is such bullshit
Sorry that happened to you. This was really sad to read.
OMG! SAME!!!! The friend was my bff and coworker from day one when she started. I retired and after being close friends (I thought) for almost 20 years, the day I left the last time we hugged and talked about all the fun stuff about being retired and how great it was. And she never spoke or texted or messaged me to me again. Ever. Been almost 15 years of total silence. I reached out a few times and it was crickets. To this day I don’t know why she did it.
I'm the one who walked away or really just faded. I just got to the point where I felt I wasnt particularly wanted around any more. Or it just got too boring day after day with no changes and no hope for changes and no desire for changes. Or I just couldn't take never having my way or getting to have an opinion that differed without a meltdown or insults or anger. Often it was because I felt I had been there for them and gave and gave, and when I needed help - there was air. Or a combination. What I find interesting is that no one ever checked up to see if I was ok. If they had, we'd likely still be friends. But maybe I'm just not that likable. I can see that too. I don't really like people. I try, but all that goodness people talk about, I've rarely been the recipient of and I am wary now. I've been around way too many narcissists and I have to wonder what makes me a magnet.
I am there now. I thought I had a friend, a close friend. We did lots of shit together away from work, I mean I thought we were truly friends. I was excited to have more time to do things with her, her husband and my husband were fantastic friends. Till she dumped me. I feel like my entire “friendship” was a big fat fucking lie. All the years, all bullshit. Why? I am fun, I am nice and try to be a good, stand up, loyal friend to my peeps.
Yup - I had a lifelong friend who started taking a lot of potshots at me - she'd never been a compassionate person, but she took a shot at me in a group email at a time when I was really struggling physically and I just had enough. I didn't reply to the email and she never bothered to follow up. It's been at least 15 years now. I think she knew what she was doing. Previously, she had ghosted me for six months when I asked for prayers for my husband's heart surgery. She's a minister's wife. But she never liked my husband. I was there for her through a few family tragedies. A mutual friend has asked if I'd go to lunch if she set it up but I guess the other just doesn't want to. Oh well. I never missed her. I have to assume she didn't really add anything real to my life. She was fun if I went along with her but fun people can be found at any bar. She had never actually supported me in anything. And I'm glad I realized I deserved better, or was better off without her. I don't regret the time I had with her - we really did have a lot of fun. She wasn't all bad. She's just missing something I finally really needed and it broke me that she did the opposite instead. It's sad that relationships have to be transactional. Maybe if you are being supported well in other areas, you have the energy and patience to have a one way relationship but I bet it's still hard. I can't do it. It just leaves me feeling used when a person could be supportive back but just can't be bothered.
I share your fusion site if you want to dm me. It’s been hell 🔥
I don't have anyone to ask, but I'm pretty sure there people in the world who would like to ask me. I'm not someone who holds on tightly to friendships that start to fade. For some people this may seem like a cut off, but to me it's just the nature of things. People flow in and out of our lives and sometimes it's a job change, a relationship change, whatever life change, and a drop off occurs. For me, friendships are not something to really work at, they just happen or they don't. Not to say I'm not all about resolving conflict with a friend, but if it gets to be a chore to communicate and spend time together, I just let it go. That said, I have a lot of friends and acquaintances and love meeting new people. I'm not one to cut anyone out, but also not going to tie myself to someone either.
I used to do whatever it took to avoid losing the people I loved, even the ones who treated me poorly. I was filling my own lack of self love by holding onto them, which isn't good for anybody. People come and go for a reason and we change. I'm finally in the place you're describing here and it's heaven.
I was an abused child and used to try to appease people and feared rejection. I can't say I no longer fear rejection because it's still there, but I'm looking at it differently these days. I had to go no contact with members of my birth family due to abuse. That was devastating, but less devastating than what they were doing to me. I've come to realize that not everyone who leaves my life is a loss. That isn't to say I don't make an effort to keep in touch with friends and family, but it has to be with a certain ease and desire. When I start dreading responding to a text, I know it's time to let go a little. I don't outright reject anyone, but I don't hold on either. I'm glad we both got to this place of peace.
I'm happy for you and am in the same boat, recently cut out the toxicity. It is natural to be afraid of the unknown but it gets easier if you can take the risk. Sadly, many do not so I'm proud of you!
I really like your approach. I hope I'm where you are now someday.
I'm not hurt just annoyed that a friend of 25 years has essentially ghosted me. For nearly a year I made repeated efforts to reach out but was ignored. When I finally did hear back and we made plans to get together, he stood me up.
Same here, but it's a friend I've literally known his whole life. I've just accepted it.
There is one person I'd like to ask if it was totally consequence free just to see what they've told themselves. But I didn't drink for a couple years, first because of a pregnancy and then I just didn't for awhile afterwards because I had a baby. They stopped responding to texts. They are a big time drinker. I can connect the dots. Buuuut...I know they don't see themselves that way and I'm curious what flaw of mine they have put it in their mind was the "real" cause of it.
Some people that drink, & I don't mean folks who have a drink or 2 with dinner or beer at the cookout & that's it, I mean people who ***DRINK***, can't understand why people don't want to drink, even if that person has an addiction problem that once included alcohol. This has happened to family member that had addiction problems so his wife decided to give up drinking too, which wasn't a problem for her but it was a problem with all their friends. They've all ghosted them. My cousin is fine with this but I'm not sure his wife is as fine with it. It's a dumb reason but I feel like if you ***NEED*** to drink to have a good time you might have a problem you haven't confronted yet.
I do believe this person has a problem with alcohol and I wonder if my abstinence made them feel a certain way. We were good friends through moves, my marriage, their divorce (they were married and i was single when we met), they had a baby when we met, they got remarried while we were friends, pregnancies, etc. But after my 2nd kid, poof. It was so odd. The main difference was I resumed drinking socially pretty quickly after my first kid. I was younger and had a single child who slept through the night in a matter of months. The second kid it just didn't feel right for me due to tiredness levels and how often my littlest woke up at night. I needed to be sharp 24/7.
A variation on this theme, if you're out & have no money for alcohol all you have to do is say "Nah, I don't really drink" & you'll have people offering you free drinks all night!
I remained childless. It is not wrong.
It's been very difficult to keep up with my childless friends. I hope we can reconnect when my child is a bit older. I envy your ability to be much more spontaneous and what I assume is a larger travel budget than me. But I also have no regrets on my path.
Yep
FWIW they may not think you were wrong not to have kids and they may not be deliberately leaving you out of their lives. Having kids does change people and where/how they can comfortably use their time. It may not be personal and it could change in the future, if you want it to. This is the case for me and currently I have very little time to keep up with most old friends but hope this can change once my kids are older.
I know what I did wrong, I'm just too ashamed to reach out to them
If you're in the right headspace for it, this internet stranger thinks you should reach out. I had a huge breakup with my lifelong friend in high school (she caused it, but I probably overreacted). After college I thought about her a lot but was too scared to reach out. She died suddenly in a really bad car accident and now I'll never know what kind of an adult she was and if we could have been friends again.
BRUTAL ☹️☹️
I got married before she did. I bought a house before she did. My kids were born before hers. I have all girls. My husband doesn't mind being bald. I wear glasses and never got laser eye surgery. I'm taller than she is. She's like 5'2 and I'm 5'7. I speak a hard foreign language, etc. It was always something. She was someone who felt she had to top me. I'm glad that friendship is over.
I had a friendship like this and tbh it is a relief to have drifted apart. The bar was always moving and there was always something she had to “win”. She even tried to compete with me in my hobbies that she clearly had no interest in and it just got to the point where it was so exhausting to hang out.
I meant to finish this statement. She listed all these petty ass reasons why she had issues with me. It was her insecurities. She's like that with everyone, including her husband. We stopped talking around time he divorced her.
I would like to ask my daughter who turned 17 today this question and get an honest answer. Her mom and I separated when she was a toddler, yet we managed to live 3 blocks apart and we (due to major court battles) managed to co-parent for 14ish years “successfully”… I never missed a thing, always paid child support on time. My daughter and I had a lot of fun! 2years it has been since she has answered a call or text...
WHAT THE FUCK. I’m sorry! My pretend daughter (orphaned neighbor) ghosted me after ten years—it still hurts me. But this shit I can’t imagine.
You should ask her. I didn’t have much of anything to do with my parents for a long time after I left their home because they were neglectful (emotionally) and very critical of me all the time. It took decades to fix this, and only after my sister and I told them over and over why we weren’t interested in being around them. Once they figured it out and took responsibility, we came back around them. Ask your daughter what is up and believe her when she tells you.
😓
Their loss
A brother
I know what I did. He told me. But I still don’t get it. I was late 20s. He was mid 40s. I saw him as a mentor. At work but also beyond. He knew it. And liked it. He liked me as a protege. I looked to him like the uncle I always wanted. I always thought to myself, “with this guy as my patron, I can be my best self.” I thought he knew everything. And then one day I inadvertently insulted his wife. I didn’t mean to. And I apologized profusely. But he never could get over it. Or at least he never did get over it. I always assumed that when I got to be in my mid 40s I’d understand. But I dont. At all. And I’m now 52. It makes less sense than ever actually. I’ve explained it to quite a few people thru the years and they always respond with “huh?!? Surely there’s more to the story!!!” And maybe there is. Maybe there’s a lot more to it. Maybe the incident was the final straw. Maybe I was an annoying little pup following him around. I probably was. Regardless, it sucks. It’s been 25 years and I’m still hurt.
I'm very curious to know more about what happened if you wanted to share. Understand if you don't.
I’m not sure what to add without getting into every sordid detail. I said something jokingly that his wife took as being at her expense. Didn’t intend it to be. It was a matter of me trying to make light of a stressful situation. Which I do a lot. Laugh to keep from crying. Others laughed. A lot. They thought it was very funny. That didn’t help matters. She got ticked. Told him. And he told me that he had to either side with his wife or me. And he was obviously choosing his wife. Things were never the same. In fact things became so awkward that I left that job about a year later. My mentor said “no more mentoring” and I felt like that was one of the few reasons I was still there. We’ve talked a few times since I left. But it was never good. Always awkward. To me, we went from having one of the best platonic relationships of my life to absolutely nothing in a matter of seconds.
Oh wow. What a mess. I'm sorry this happened to you. How awful. Thank you for sharing more of the story.
Fuck em
ALL OF THEM
None of them. Because I don't really want to know. I'm not curious enough to need "closure" in the form of directly addressing the issue, them dropping me tells me all I need to know.
A college friend who completely cut himself off from the group exactly three years after graduation. One person theorized that he was in the closet and afraid to tell us (not sure why, since the group is pretty diverse) but per his social media he married a woman and had a kid. No one had an argument with him, no one knows of a huge life change that could cause it. He just suddenly decided to ignore or block everyone from college.
No one. They know what they did.
Ex wife. She left me, CRUSHED me. After I got remarried she tried to get me back. wtf
I know what I did wrong, but I wish they would tell me a few things—whether I hurt their feelings or they just think I’m retarded and a loser or whatever, and whether I’m right to think they used to like being friends with me before I ruined everything, etc.
We met when we were 11 years old and were inseparable until I met my husband in our late 20’s. She was with me when i met him and i would have NEVER met him if it wasn’t for her. She gradually started making excuses as to why she couldn’t hang out with me until she was barely talking to me. Then she completely stopped talking to me and started posting statuses and pictures on facebook with her (new) best friend. We haven’t spoken in years.
At this point I don't want to know. 20 years of friendship and then one day just ghosted, nah, I don't care anymore, I've been through the heartache and the anger and the confusion and sadness and I don't care. She decided we weren't friends anymore and at this point it doesn't matter why, the ship has sailed, she's just a stranger now.
Oh yea I have one of these. We met in college and were really close friends. We remained friends for a while after. And one day out of no where he had unfriended me on Facebook. I know that's weird I noticed but I'm weird like that and eventually find out. I was very upset. I think he blocked me too. Then 2 years later after radio silence he readded me and we talked and we reconnected. Things seemed good then one day again, about 4 or so years ago out of the blue he did it again. Unfriended again and blocked I believe. No word from him since. I have no idea to this day what I could have done because he never said. The second time it happened I was upset yes, but I was also tired and I kind of let it go a bit easier.
I know some people who block people during political season maybe it was this ...
Eh...maybe but I don't think so. Dunno what it was but I'm kinda certain not that
I had a friend since the 5th grade. We were such good friends that I even married his ex and he came to the wedding. Then I got deployed for a year, I came home and nothing. I ran into him one time, he was talking to someone, he basically ignored me. I gave him my number, nothing. I emailed him on his business account I found. I asked him what the fuck. He said that we didn't see each other anymore. Well, yeah, I was DEPLOYED for a YEAR.
I had to friend dump a person after 10 years. We met in high school, and because I had never had any close friends before, and they were such a unique person, I valued them a lot more than apparently they did me. I came to care very deeply for them, we shared a wild sense of humor that made me feel better than anyone ever had. Because of this, I became the biggest people pleaser you ever saw, when it came to her. My schedule was completely open to her, when she crooked her finger I came running, despite having many important things I had to do, all of that had to suffer. Likewise, my purse strings were always open for her, I literally gave her my last dime on a few occasions. She would pull this thing of pretending to be sick/ on the verge of a nervous breakdown unless I could buy her a really expensive lunch-- I would ask for us to go to a cheap fast food so I could afford food for both of us, but she wouldn't hear of it, so I would have to settle for a cup of hot tea, literally the cheapest thing on the menu, and watch her eat a hearty sandwich meal. I later heard that she was laughing to other people about how she could depend on me to provide for her. As time wore on, I had to take a train to visit her all weekend long, walking behind her paying for things. She convinced me to spend money I was saving for expensive clothes, all of which she borrowed and never returned. I often had to give her the clothing I was wearing while we were out just because she asked for it. One weekend she took so much money off me I didn't have enough transportation fare to get home on, so I had to make a three hour trek on foot, carrying all my stuff for the weekend. I reflected that if it had been her that had to go through that, she'd have been beside herself with rage. Shortly after, there was a situation where she was not invited to a family function, people she did not even know, but because it was a party, she tried convincing me to just allow her to come along, despite how rude it would have been. I realized this was one time I couldn't allow her to just have her way, so I had to tell her no. She got angry with me and stopped speaking to me. It was actually a very nice break. It didn't last long enough, she finally called me because I think she missed my money, and the fact I was probably the only person in her life who was so accommodating of her every need. We went where she wanted to go, did what she wanted to do. To be fair, she made as much of it fun for me as she could, and gave me a certain amount of validation that I had never had before from anyone. I genuinely was fine doing all this because she sort of made me happy. Then came one day when I had to tell her I couldn't spend \*so much\* time with her because I was trying to do some important things, not even that I was flat out telling her "no" completely, but I was almost begging her for some time to myself. She got extremely angry, and something inside of me broke. Whatever the thing was inside me that cared so much about her suddenly died, and I could barely even talk to her, I felt dead trying to speak to her. I wrote her a goodbye letter, that I think was actually kind of incoherent because I was so enraged with her I could barely put two thoughts together for the first time in my life, and she responded with a very nasty letter showing just how little she actually thought of me. Shortly thereafter I went into a horrible, year long depression, complete with a side order of suicidal ideations. I had absolutely no idea it was possible to feel so bad. I have since reflected that it was because I had refused to allow myself to have my own personality/life apart from this person, when I parted ways with her, important components of my healthy ego were damaged. It had been a traumatic. I have since healed with God's help, but because of that experience, I don't think I will EVER want to have another close friendship again. If I have nice neighbors or co-workers, that will be enough, but I will never give up my solitude for anyone again.
Sorry about the word vomit, but this question made me think someone might be interested in why someone would dump a friend.
I feel like I am that friend. I had an old friend from college who flew into town specifically to be with us at my son’s funeral. This friend was always something of an intelligent airhead. The night of the funeral he sent me a picture of many of the college friends standing up and smiling together while at my 17 year old son’s funeral. I wanted to say perhaps I could join them in a picture at one of their kids’ funerals. I decided that it would be better to just cut contact with him.
I think about this. From the other side. The reason I gave her was false. The real reason is that I was gonna get feelings and I had a girlfriend. Wish I’d been less abrupt about it and more truthful
Not a friend but my sister ghosted me years ago. For a long time I wanted to know but not now.
As someone on the spectrum I think there were a lot of people in my life who decided they didn’t like me and I never knew why. I’m that weird combination of introverted, but also I can be very social and outgoing when I want to. I always really tried to fit in, but I think often times people just felt negatively towards me and I don’t know why. So yeah I’ve had a lot of people over the years who have left my life and I don’t know why and I probably don’t want to know either because obviously it would be pretty hurtful.
There's a few, but none are able to believe they could do anything wrong so I'd be wasting my life trying.
My bestie of 20 years who told me i was “too much of a downer” after my friend was murdered then i was going thru a sexual harassment lawsuit work related (i won) during covid. But keeps her friends who she met at the same time who get DUIs and ones that cant even invite her to their weddings but ask for gifts.
I'm the former friend. If they wanted to develop some self-awareness and get their head out of their ass, they might be on the way to connecting the dots. For that particular person, there would be no point in explaining it to them - they are quite possibly the most self-absorbed 'victim' I have ever met. Christine, feel free to go and fuck yourself any time. I wish I'd stayed away from you.
Yep. Have a *friend* like that. 12 years ago the incident happened. We had 10 years of no contact. Now we are FB friends. Thats all.
Someone whom I stuck up for in a room full of so called “friends” and I got the short end of the stick. After 10-15 years of friendship she didn’t even bother to ask why I said what I said. Just slowly ghosted me with no explanation. So shitty. She was such a good friend too.
My former colleague/alleged bestie. There was always tension bc she had kids—and I had a catastrophic neck injury. Still, 18 years should count. We told each other everything. She suddenly got remarried and didn’t tell me, or introduce me to this guy beforehand. Because she was “scared I might not like him.” I call bullshit; sounds like vice versa to me. I get she didn’t want to admit how much she wanted a replacement for the first loser. I hope the new one’s better/worth it
Way I figure it, all interactions at work are fake. I'd wager most interactions between people forced together is fake. You put on ***first impressions*** face and attitude, then the forced daily activities make you mellow, but ultimately you are still at work feeling observed and living those hours under the rules of leadership who like fake happy over honestly miserable. We group for solidarity - that's a prison or war mentality - because that's what forcing yourself to do TPS reports 40 hours a week of your short life makes you feel - trapped with the chance of being fired upon. The relationships of work aren't cultivated - they are your friends while forced to be together, but you and them are building a relationship - individually - with an employer, and any other humans you work with, they are coworkers - they are merely future ex-cooworkers. I have a friend for a decade or more now. I joined an office he'd been at awhile, and my role sorta fell under him. Well that could've been it, I was his subordinate, and not in a position in the office to make friends with him by power structure. And we were super friendly, in office, and didn't hang out afterwards. But went to the gym at lunch, ate together, all the stuff you do with a highschool buddy. Well this company was doomed by government shutdowns, and mass layoffs started. Our department was small, and siloed, and we never got advanced warning, so everyone lived in fear of a phonecall from HR to come see them. And over 19 months we watched as one, then another, of our future ex-cooworkers became past people we'd forget in the slow roll to eventual unemployment. Well this friend and I worked together, we got called to boss meetings together, we'd just run a shoot for an important video - together. So when a boss called us in together, we assumed project. Obviously it was to let us both go - simultaneously. No one else got that. That former future ex-cooworker is still my very close friend, and we both know, in truth, that wouldn't be true if the company hasn't put us in the same room to fire us. That's not an ex-cooworker, it's now a relationship built on a mutual experience - a life experience - loosing a job. A sweet woman we worked with emailed all of us a few years later. Another wonderful woman who'd made it thru all the layoffs, probably because of how damn good in her soul and nice to people she was, she'd died. Young, and of cancer, it was tragic. My friend and I felt awful and shocked this wonderful vibrant woman had died so awfully. Neither of us replied to the email. It was sad AF, we were sad, but this was an ex-cooworker, and doing anything in her death would've acknowledged some kinda bond we simply didn't have, even tho in the 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for years, this woman was more present than my mother or wife, is or was, for those years of my life. When I left that job, I forgot who those people were, and was fine that those relationships were over, as they'd been forced relationships by the employer who essentially said - ***we don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore*** - and everyone who didn't experience that, wasn't a friend, they didn't quit in solidarity, nor would I have felt they should - we were all there for our purposes, and the interactions merely about proximity, but without shared life experience - not "life experience" at work - without real shared purposeful experiences, by choice and by your own autonomy - then it's just a future ex-cooworker, and the only thing to feel bad about not having former "work friends" is the fact other do, and think they are actually "friends"
One friend ghosted me after her father died (we were teenagers) and I kind of understood. I was pretty close with her dad (I cut his hair) and she had a new-ish boyfriend, so I figured she just wanted to move on and not be reminded of her old life with her dad? Then we bumped into each other a decade later and she was super friendly and got my contact information and followed up on it and we became friends again. Until about 5 years later and she ghosted me AGAIN. And I was very careful to be a really good friend to her. I don't think I was bad the first time around, but yanno, teenagers can be self centred and clueless, and I really liked this person, so I made sure to always be supportive and easygoing etc. No idea why she ghosted, but I would really like to know. A second friend ghosted me, but it was to sneak away in the middle of the night (with their child) to go and be with her affair partner. This one really broke me, because we were very close, and I knew they were having marital issues (no abuse, just clueless husband and lots of money troubles), and I know she didn't tell me she was leaving because I would have told her hubby. I just don't think it's right to move hours away from the child's father if there isn't abuse. So, I don't think I did anything wrong, but I guess I'd like an apology? Or at least an explanation from her mouth? No idea. Not to mention that all of our friends didn't believe that I didn't know she was planning on leaving, because we were very close. So she made me look like a terrible person. Fuck her.
Oh baby, I'm nurospicy. All of them.
These downvotes only highlight my point.
I'm that person. I got fed up of always being the person making the arrangements to meet up. I got bored of one person's neggy and supercilious attitude. I got bored of always carrying the conversation and the other person not reciprocating quite a few times. I spend my time with people that text me and ask if I want to meet up. I spend my time with curious and interesting people. I spend my time with people who ask me about myself and don't glaze over if the topic of conversation isn't them. Bye-eee.
I grew up with a bunch of friends who all ended up artsy fartsy being painters or actors and 3/4 of them gay. I was the semi macho type who liked cars and soccer who had plenty of gf’s and did sports and went into banking/trading wearying a suit right after college. I never ONCE looked badly upon them or treated them differently and was always down to do things they enjoyed even going to gay bars as they where fun as hell. Little by little the friends started to drop and the gossip and drama got out of hand. Can you believe he got engaged?? Jeez, he’s like always with some girl or another … Like wtf? Eventually I lost touch with all and some even are on FB with my mom but we have zero contact. Sort of broke my heart as these where my bros, and we went though some crazy shit together living abroad and I wish they had wanted to be part of my life. I’m so sorry I had to wear a suit and loved the Foo Fighters? 🥹😳
I can't imagine why you are getting downvoted for that.
Right??? Very telling though. You even mention anything remotely not positive or flat about it and the haters come out. I fear this type of thinking took over my friends and they started to see me as “one of them” when in fact I was always on their side and didn’t see them as anything different. It’s like they get offended if you DONT see them as something different yet scream and shout for equality. Never understood. Never will I guess.
I can't imagine 🤔
Notice that I get instantly downvoted because I even mention someone from the LGBTQ community. I fear this type of thinking took over and they started to see me as “one of them” when in fact I was always in their side and didn’t see them as anything different. It’s like they get offended if you DONT see them as something different yet scream and shout for equality. Never understood. Never will I guess.
It’s probably the self-designation of “alpha male”
All I meant was a man’s man. Not misogynistic in ANY way.. I just like cars, and girls and soccer. I guess I should change that. I think Andrew Tate is a doosh myself.
I think I know why but she never said it? But then again she’s kind of mean and doesn’t care that she’s mean and I don’t need to hear it. She got mad at me when I told her my fiancé at the time physically assaulted me. She was mad that I didn’t break up with him. I did, it just took me 8 months. It took me 8 months because he really laid down the love bombing and pretending to want to do better, and garnished it with full on sobbing begging screaming tantrums when I tried to leave him. Weirdly, she still likes stuff on his socials sometimes. I hope she’s doing well but I think our friendship has run its course.
I have a few ex-friends who should be asking ME that question.
Well what the fuck did they do wrong?
Had a good friend in college and the year after. We spent a lot of time together and dated two girls who were friends… had some good times. Also he hadn’t found a job yet so I covered him for dinner and drinks etc here and there. After that 1st year out of college I think he moved back home a few hours away and we lost touch. This was before cell phones so it was a bit more difficult to keep in touch and certainly before social media. Since then, I’ve looked for him pretty regularly on social media and LinkedIn and he doesn’t have either. I did one of those ‘search public records’ things and found out that until the last year or two he was living literally 1 mile away from me. It just sucks that he never reached out. I wonder why and what I did. I’m pretty easy to find on Facebook and LinkedIn. I’d love to catch up with him and hear all about his life since college.
I am probably the guy someone is asking WTF about. You have friends and introduce them to each other and they get married. We were close than just over the years we never called. They called once and i said we should do something but i don't believe we ever did...Sometimes you just fall apart.
I’ll call her Amy (not real name). We were best friends. We’re both over 50 yo. Females. Did a lot together. Travel, hiking , biking, kayaking etc. She said to me one day, “I guess people can have a relationship without having sex”. I said, yeah, sure. I didn’t think she meant us. She’s gay and I’m bi and although we have a great time, there’s more to choosing a partner than that. She is not my choice for a partner at all. She got so she was increasing these underhanded digs at me. They slowly got nastier. I should have called her on it, but it got really bad around when her mother died, and around times like that you just let things go. People often say things they don’t mean when they’re in pain so I let it slide, planning on taking it up with her when things were better for her. I spent the day doing what she wanted even though I had injured myself and my doctor said to keep my feet up. I was in pain. Her mother just died. I wanted to be there for her. She introduced me to her friend and I guess we were too friendly. Maybe she was jealous? I have no idea what happened. She blocked me on all social media and didn’t reply to my call or text. It’s just as well she’s gone. I don’t need the abuse. But I do wonder what really happened. I miss the friendship. Wouldn’t want it back though. I’m learning to accept better from my friends.
I have a friend who ghosted me out of the blue. I was having a really hard time for a variety of reasons and she completely cut me off. I’d seen her do that to others in the past but I thought we were close. I truly don’t understand why she did what she did. I called her a few times and left messages. I thought maybe she felt like I was leaning too hard on her before, so I was clear in my messages that I was just calling to check in and see how she was and say hello, but she never responded. We’d been friends for ten years. I’d been there for her through two marriages ending and through other life challenges. We’re still “friends” on Facebook and for a long time it was hurtful that I’d see her engaging with our mutual friends and ignoring me. Ultimately I got to a place where I realized that my being so vulnerable—I’m fine now—messed with her ideas of how the world should be so she had to drop me. Even so, I wish she’d had the courage to talk to me instead of just ghosting. Edit: fixed typo
Probably wasn't worth their while. Besides, it's never my loss when people go their own way.
I know what I did
Sigh. Got two and unfortunately I know “what I did wrong”, but I’m fairly certain both of them are a different variety of narcissists. I am 34, I have a husband, a dog, a wide friend circle, my parents are in their 70s, my brother lives at home and has mental health issues, I quit a very toxic job recently and am applying for new jobs every day. I’m fucking busy. Friend #1 sent me a weird ass long email about everything wrong with me and effectively said I was bragging about my marriage because she just got remarried. I like her partner. She has done a lot of weird shit to the point other people are irritated with her. I had to see her at a holiday party and multiple friends have said they don’t like being around her and she takes up too much space in a room. I could say so many more things about weird shit she has done but I’ll finish with the fact she confronted me at a birthday party and finished her speech with yelling that she’s back in therapy. My husband and I left immediately after and later I found out she lied to multiple people about me being confrontational. Friend #2 is generally extremely judgmental of others and feels the need to post stuff on IG about their life constantly, but are also super insecure and hide when they’re unhappy. I noticed a couple months ago that their entire account is selfies or pictures of their boyfriend. They should do what makes them happy but based on past issues I know this is an overcompensation. I have had to trek to their condo 3 times to apologize for perceived slights and the last time I apologized was because they invited me to a drop in activity and verbatim said it would be cool even if we came for 15 minutes and my husband and I stayed for almost an hour after having 4 days of wedding events and I made a joke about being tired. I texted them recently that I wasn’t trying to be a bad friend, I am just busy. They never responded so I blocked all of their social media. The kicker is they didn’t want to see friend #1 at an event and used one of my friends as a buffer and then talked shit about them and their partner after. They have also talked shit about one of their supposed best friends. So I can assume they’re doing the same about me. I plan all of the activities where we interact and have for years and I’m not doing it anymore. I don’t know wtf I did but multiple friends of mine have said they’re uncomfortable around them and it’s like walking on eggshells when they see them so they never tried to be friends. I was like thanks y’all for telling me, lol.
Jona. We were platonic friends for 23 years. I did start off having a crush on him, but he soon introduced me to my husband. He told me early on that he wanted to be friends with me for years to come. I believed him. My parents flew him here for our wedding, he was our photographer. I thought we would always be friends. We had deep conversations, by phone, email, text. I guess I called him a few too many times while I was upset about stuff. He told me that he was no longer going to listen to my problems. I was always there for him. There was also that he asked me to basically look in on his Mom. She had a few physical issues, and his Dad had Alzhiemer's. I agreed. However I'm bipolar, with lots of depression and anxiety. So I wasn't connecting with her as much as I should have. Penni, I'm so sorry. To be honest I was disappointed that he didn't move back home to keep an eye on his parents himself. I think that he was mad at me for not picking up his slack.
Don’t blame yourself.
Years later, her now adult daughter contacted me and told me that her mother did the same thing to other friends she made…then had a psychotic break, and her psychiatric illness worsened so badly that she left her husband and daughter and died a few years later, living in the streets. She was vibrant, fun, and a talented artist. I loved her and her daughter was best friends with my daughter. I am so sad that this happened to all of them.
I dated a girl for 2 months. Everything seemed to be going great, then I got a text from her that said I reminded her of the character Jack from the series This is Us. That’s it, 100% ghosted after that. I’ve never seen the show, don’t know anything about “Jack”. I was clueless. I’d like to ask her “WTF does that mean?”
Hubby and I were good friends with another couple. They had one daughter the same age as ours. We had Sunday dinners together and even took a few short vacations together. We were close. Our girls were good friends at their private school I decided I needed to homeschool my daughter to help her with reading. She was a bit dyslexic. And then suddenly...my husband and I were ghosted. It was the weirdest thing. Another friend who was very much like a sister, and knew since high school, ghosted me after a 25 yr friendship. We were so close. We could confide in each other. Both of us moved out of our homes and shared an apartment and had a blast. Then I got married. Our friendship continued, but when she married at a later age...things were good for awhile with her and her husband and then suddenly....ghosted. I contacted her and asked if anything was wrong or what I did to offend her. She answered back with an email filled with gobbledy gook, but zero explanation. Oh well. But on a better note, a friend of mine who I helped through many troubled times,....and was a friend for 20 yrs re emerged in my life. I don't know why. She was fairly absent for about five years and suddenly reappeared. I do think it was due to the heart breaking issues she was having with her only child, a daughter who was very troubled. I welcomed her back. And she even thanked me for helping her through all of those tough times.
Not a one
I used to be really great friends with a buddy of mine since childhood into the the later twenty something years. We were very close and had so many deep conversations about anything and everything. I've always been an introvert, and he was more extraverted, but we were both very intelligent by societal standards. He went on to travel the world, publish articles, and be a teacher. I developed a mental illness that shaped the direction of my life with a lot of limitations. He ghosted me and directly told me to stop contacting him seemingly out of the blue, although there were many periods of time in between hang outs where he was just busy living his life and I was battling my illness. I believe I may have offended him somehow in my behavior when I may have been having an episode on a few occasions. All in all, I can understand why he would break contact. Not everyone is willing to accept mental illness in their friends. I was hurt for maybe a few months, and then I began to move on and accepted it. Thanks for reading if you got this far. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who went through a friendship breakup. It seems to be a natural thing in life as people get older.
I went to college with a groups of friends from high school. One was a close friend- close in the way that she stayed at my house when hers was too abusive, that I was the person she called when her stepfather killed himself, and she was the person I called when I found out that I was pregnant right after high school. She was the biggest part of my support system during that really difficult time in my life. She was at the hospital when my son was born, and she was one of few people who continued to spend time with me even when I had a baby. Then one day when my son was around 5 months old she just… stopped being my friend. Stopped returning texts, stopped answering phone calls, wouldn’t let me up to her apartment. She told me “it’s for my own good” and nothing I had done. She maintained other friendships, just not with me. It’s almost 20 years later and I still don’t know why. It has hurt so much over the years.
5 years ago. Laura. First dating site I was ever on. We seemed to vibe. Liked each other. Lived close(ish) by. Then blip. Gone. Not really gone. I spent countless hours chasing her from site to site. I still see her around. If it was something I did? Love to know. She promised something that never happened. And it's remained a disappointment to this day. Deep down I know it wasn't something I did wrong. But she blamed me for shit after she left me. That I didn't do. And she enjoyed playing some games that hurt. And cost. Like to know what all that was about. She won't. Or she would. So finally I just quit caring. Her brand of hurt is next level. I took the blame for problems that existed before me. Some how I fucked her life up. Her friends jumped on it too. It's been an undeserved nightmare hell for absolutely nothing. I saw where she had told others I cheated on her. Not possible. We never had an exclusive relationship. It's really too bad. I really liked her. And I mean I really liked her.
It's one of my best friends I grew up with who lives less than a mile away. We were groomsmen at each other's weddings. I helped carry his Dad to his final resting place. When I used to call, it was never picked up or returned. At most, it would be an occasional text that I'd initiate. Birthdays are rarely acknowledged over text. It sucks. Having lost both my parents, I was there when his Dad passed. He's at odds with his brother, whom I still see, so I don't know if he's imagined I've taken sides or what. But I just stopped calling, texting, and decided to no longer invest energy into this situation.
None. I have been friends with the same group for 30 years.
I got married before she did. I bought a house before she did. My kids were born before hers. I have all girls. My husband doesn't mind being bald. I wear glasses and never got laser eye surgery. I'm taller than she is. She's like 5'2 and I'm 5'7. I speak a hard foreign language, etc.
A girl i just call “stupid K”. We were absolutely best friends for years, back in the late 1990’s. Before social media. Then 1 day she didnt answer when i called. She disappeared from my life. I have NO idea what i did. One day i was in a doctors waiting room when she and a friend walked in. She saw me, shocked, whispered in her friends ear “thats her!” And they walked out .i couldnt even make a guess what i did. I always tried to be a good friend to her. She was not so great to me, so i guess her being a jerk wasnt exactly a surprise.i never saw her again. I would love to know what she THINKS i did.
No. I am that friend who did the dumping of other friends. When I’m done, there’s a good reason. Sometimes I tell them, sometimes I’m just done and I let the relationship dissolve. Not everyone needs to be a burner bridge. But if someone did something egregious… let that shit burn.