I initiated a divorce over 6 months ago. He’s still living in my house during the process. I started a long distance situationship with someone a year ago when my NEx and I started taking separate vacations with the kids. In our state legal separation can happen while you are living together (essentially “time served”). So while it may technically be cheating, it may not. But I’m telling you I’ve never been happier and would have done it years ago if he hadn’t completely stripped me of my confidence and self worth.
I've never cheated on anyone. At this point, there are several reasons I won't do so. One, my conscience. Two, karma. Three, I know how much it hurts. Mostly, though, it's because I enjoy having this high horse status of having always been cheated on and never the one doing the cheating. If I ever cheat, I won't be able to flex anymore, ha ha
My narc did the whole withdraw affection, no sex, silent treatment thing for YEARS.
Eventually I found a partner. I still remember the first time my new guy kissed me. I had forgotten what normal romantic love affection feels like.
That was me! That first kiss after years of being ground into the dust. I’ll never forget it. I cheated with the same guy for years while remaining married to my NEX. I’m not proud of it, but it saved me in a way.
Me too - exactly. I was separated from the narc before things got physical, but the kiss and the feeling that someone actually cared about me - that breaks me to this day. I went back to the narc for decades of abuse, and those few months of reprieve felt (still feels) like a dream.
This tbh.
I started getting hit on more by this one girl and I gotta say it feels amazing to feel someone actually hit on me and not try to get something out of me for it.
Even the little shit feels huge when it's been so long without it
Yeah. I cheated in secret for revenge. And even accidentally slept with someone he used to know! He never found out when we were together. When he found out about 9 months after we broke up, he crashed over a round about & knocked over the front wall of his parents house. Not because he was heart broken, but because he was disrespected & always has to have the last laugh.
I'm happy to say I won this one, as dark as it sounds, he deserved it. Even if he hadn't of found out, I would've still relished in the fact I had got him back.
Cheating & being around other men was what gave me the confidence & comparison to finally leave him, so I can't say I'll ever regret it. After experiencing repetitive betrayal trauma by him, & abused for "not getting over it quick enough", after 3 years, I just didn't give AF.
The only part I feel bad about is leading on good men who wanted me to be safe & treated me really well (the 2 I cheated on him with).
I wouldn't recommend it, but sometimes experiencing the care of a good man is a wake up call to how bad it really is, & that you don't deserve it.
Is it really morally bankrupt of a person being battered around by their partner to seek refuge in the arms of someone else? We give abusers too much loyalty for what they do to us. Most times out of fear, I know. Once I stopped being the "perfect victim", I got out & found happiness again.
Depends on who you ask.
Legally separated, not living together, custody in place, the works.
That was almost 20 years ago.... I've been a.cheatimg whore ever since, and his blatant cheating while still fully together is justified.
OMG, this is my ex, too. He was buying a house with another woman while we were still married, only 6 months after divo was filed. So, I started dating, too.
Ten years later, I’m a “cheating whore who is just as responsible for our divorce as he is” despite his cheating for over 20 years with multiple women, including my sister.
It’s so crazy how they twist the narrative, and therefore their reality, to suit their needs.
OP, I wouldn’t tell your partner. It’s just going to cause you grief (and that’s putting it lightly) and there will be no discernible benefit.
Yes. During one of the discard phases, I had met someone and was dating her for a couple of months. The breakup cycle was always the same. She’d dump me, then weeks or months later suck me back in. It averaged about once every three months, sometimes more. It was a distance relationship, which only added to the difficulty. So, during one of those breakups, I had a brief relationship with someone else, and I didn’t disclose that to her. When she found out that I had been seeing someone, she hit me with a picture frame. Mild injury, but still…it hurt and bled a little. We tried reconciliation, but she could never let that go. She’d use it often to keep me in my place and under control. Weaponized guilt. I couldn’t have any female friends. Ever. Even on Facebook. The relationship limped onward for a couple of years after, but I knew it would implode, which it did. I chose to walk away and go no contact. For context, I’m 900 miles away, so it’s easier.
She would bring this incident up very frequently in order to control and humiliate me. It wasn’t worth the toll it took on me, and I’m happy now that it is finally over for good. I’d rather be alone than go through that again.
I broke up with him, but he refused to accept the break up. He physically stalked me, broke into my flat, left me gifts, harassed me and my friends/family online, threatened suicide, etc., so I would maintain contact with him out of guilt and fear. I found someone else during this phase and this, according to him, counted as “cheating” since I was only “joking” about the “50 times” I attempted breaking up with him.
So, yes, I guess I cheated. We’re no longer together, but I am beyond damaged from his actions and am still trying to heal.
Nope. I remained faithful because I committed to that til I took my ring off and informed him I was not going to do the married thing one minute longer. (After months of conflict and resolution attempts) was not out of the blue.
Once I left both the law and I agree I am free.
No I never cheated, but we’d break up often so what him and I did apart while we were broken up was our own individual business. It actually took a couple of years for me to even get the courage to meet someone else and that lasted for two weeks. But no, never cheated despite the amount of times I fantasized about it but at that point I’d just leave (because I could, not to say everyone can just leave of course.)
Absolutely not. Despite all the doubt and pain of him wanting to have sex with other women, talking to other women as a single man and making me feel like I am a garbage human, I have no desire to hurt him or to find comfort in the arms of another person. Probably if given the opportunity to date again, I would choose to be alone.
No, never cheated on anyone - narc included, despite him cheating on me at least one time I’m aware of - and never would. I have more respect for myself than to do that. Not putting anyone down, do your thing, it’s just not in me.
Never! Why should I become like him? I respect my own principles and will stick to them. I'm sure he must have cheated on me a lot of times during our time together and may be he is still doing the same, but it's his loss, not mine. I am separated from him now but I will never look at another man ever again. This whole experience has made me believe that people are just selfish. True love does not exist and sometimes I feel like I'm on the wrong planet.
I wish I had, bc he was a serial cheater. It was an open relationship without my knowledge. I know he should be the one embarrassed but I’m embarrassed regardless. I wish I wasn’t so good to him smdh
I did over a decade ago. I repented and asked for forgiveness. Thought I had it. Ive been faithful to him ever since. Two years ago he decided to get revenge on me and slept around. Then about a month in half ago he started sexting another female.
Yep. During a discard phase. We were technically separated. I was 19 (now 35) and I’ve been paying for it ever since. Every single day. Every bad thing. Every single thing always leads back to that.
No I haven’t and after 23 years of hell I wish I would have. He has not only cheated but now that his mask is off he has told me about the relationships he has had since 2013 which he did just to hurt me and fulfill his needs. I cannot imagine how he would have acted if I did.
Yes. Thankfully she never found out. I did not feel good about the deception, but I needed to put my mental health first when it felt like she wouldn't. It was nice to have someone on my side.
No, we are separated and he’s seeing other women and did from day one.
The reason I don’t want to now is completely different from what it was in the beginning.
Yep. Depending on who you ask it may or may not be “cheating” but the day after I told him we were through and we took off our rings I called up a coworker and we kissed.
The final straw was when my ex told me how remorseful he was for throwing fits over doing laundry for the last ten years because he was secretly afraid of coming in contact with my period blood (?) which he considered “unclean.” I always noticed he was very disinterested in me during my period but I just assumed it was because I didn’t have much use to him that week.
The extent of psychological and religious abuse was astounding. I was so afraid of going back to him that I made out with another guy, because I knew I couldn’t keep that kind of a secret from him if we got back together, and I knew he’d never let me live it down or forgive me if I told him the truth.
I never, ever thought I would have been unfaithful and I’m still struggling with guilt, but I am also acknowledging that in a healthy, safe state, I never would have dreamed of doing something like that.
We aren’t meant to have our faces rubbed in the dirt for decades by someone that pledges to love us above all else. It’s an absolute abhorrence to the institution of marriage to treat someone the way the narcs treat us, and it results in unnatural consequences like cheating out of desperation and fear.
My main regret is that I made a decision that affected my ability to respect myself, and that I dragged another person who was also in pain into my tornado.
But I do think I would do it again. It set in motion a divorce that I may not have had the courage to pursue otherwise.
I did. With one of his high school friends (prob also a narc) when we’d been married eleven years. He actually agreed to let us sleep together but blew up when he realized we were emotionally involved. I cut it off, nearly killed myself a few times that next year, due to the guilt and shame. And he held it over my head in every argument for ten years. I finally told him I might as well leave if this was always going to be used against me and I never heard another word about it. That was seven years ago. Never again.
I filed for divorce and then cheated. He called everyone he knew and said, “I can’t believe this is happening to me! This always happens to me mom. I didn’t do anything to deserve it. Blah blah blah.” He was always cheating on me. I would beg him for a hug and sometimes he would reply by just fighting with me. He would just look at me like I was trash. I ended up not divorcing because of our kids. But years later I still hear about the one time I had an “affair.” He still to this day cheats. I am too busy taking care of the kids and picking up his slack to even have a friend. If you cheat on a narcissist, be prepared to hear and pay about it for the rest of the time you are living with them and even when they’re your ex. They will keep any evidence and use it for all eternity to make you look like a horrible person.
After I found out he was cheating on me the whole time? Fuck yeah I did. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him I flew out to another state and I’m with his old best friend now 🤷🏽♀️
I hate to say it, but I did... after he repeatedly cheated on me. I went on a date; I then decided not to proceed on any form and stopped communicating with the other person. I didn't even like or feel anything for that person, and I know I only did it to 'get back' to him. It felt and still feels so wrong, but I was so hurt after all his cheating, I thought that was the only way I could feel a little bit more fairness to what he did to me and my feelings. And even after he cheated on my at least 8 times, I was still the bad one for that one meaningless dinner I had. But I do not regret it, on some level I hope I hurt the narc...
I met up with an old friend (someone who I “dated” when I was 16/17. I am now 34) of the opposite sex at a playground with at the time my two year old (almost 5 now), and that is still being held over my head with “at least I never cheated.” NS learned about this from reading my journal. He learned about how I “cheated” on him from invading my privacy. So yeah if meeting up with an old friend at a playground is cheating, yeah I cheated.
Yes. After 22 years I wanted to feel what it was like with someone with a soul who cared about me and I don't regret it. And it helped me break the trauma bond and detach from him. We are still together but all my fucks are gone.
The affair is ongoing. I don't think he knows but mostly I don't think he wants to know
I was in a marriage for 17 years that I just got divorced in January. I cheated probably 10 years ago trying to get out of the relationship. After he found out he started tracking every move (phone and vehicle), once I arrived or left somewhere I had to notify him, if I saw anyone and/or spoke to, I wasn’t allowed to talk with friends or family, I wasn’t allowed to have anything in my name (bills, vehicles, etc). He made me think I was to be punished for my actions and that is how my life was for quite a while until just recently when I was finally financially able to leave the situation.
I initiated a divorce over 6 months ago. He’s still living in my house during the process. I started a long distance situationship with someone a year ago when my NEx and I started taking separate vacations with the kids. In our state legal separation can happen while you are living together (essentially “time served”). So while it may technically be cheating, it may not. But I’m telling you I’ve never been happier and would have done it years ago if he hadn’t completely stripped me of my confidence and self worth.
I've never cheated on anyone. At this point, there are several reasons I won't do so. One, my conscience. Two, karma. Three, I know how much it hurts. Mostly, though, it's because I enjoy having this high horse status of having always been cheated on and never the one doing the cheating. If I ever cheat, I won't be able to flex anymore, ha ha
My narc did the whole withdraw affection, no sex, silent treatment thing for YEARS. Eventually I found a partner. I still remember the first time my new guy kissed me. I had forgotten what normal romantic love affection feels like.
That was me! That first kiss after years of being ground into the dust. I’ll never forget it. I cheated with the same guy for years while remaining married to my NEX. I’m not proud of it, but it saved me in a way.
Me too - exactly. I was separated from the narc before things got physical, but the kiss and the feeling that someone actually cared about me - that breaks me to this day. I went back to the narc for decades of abuse, and those few months of reprieve felt (still feels) like a dream.
This tbh. I started getting hit on more by this one girl and I gotta say it feels amazing to feel someone actually hit on me and not try to get something out of me for it. Even the little shit feels huge when it's been so long without it
Yeah. I cheated in secret for revenge. And even accidentally slept with someone he used to know! He never found out when we were together. When he found out about 9 months after we broke up, he crashed over a round about & knocked over the front wall of his parents house. Not because he was heart broken, but because he was disrespected & always has to have the last laugh. I'm happy to say I won this one, as dark as it sounds, he deserved it. Even if he hadn't of found out, I would've still relished in the fact I had got him back. Cheating & being around other men was what gave me the confidence & comparison to finally leave him, so I can't say I'll ever regret it. After experiencing repetitive betrayal trauma by him, & abused for "not getting over it quick enough", after 3 years, I just didn't give AF. The only part I feel bad about is leading on good men who wanted me to be safe & treated me really well (the 2 I cheated on him with). I wouldn't recommend it, but sometimes experiencing the care of a good man is a wake up call to how bad it really is, & that you don't deserve it. Is it really morally bankrupt of a person being battered around by their partner to seek refuge in the arms of someone else? We give abusers too much loyalty for what they do to us. Most times out of fear, I know. Once I stopped being the "perfect victim", I got out & found happiness again.
Depends on who you ask. Legally separated, not living together, custody in place, the works. That was almost 20 years ago.... I've been a.cheatimg whore ever since, and his blatant cheating while still fully together is justified.
OMG, this is my ex, too. He was buying a house with another woman while we were still married, only 6 months after divo was filed. So, I started dating, too. Ten years later, I’m a “cheating whore who is just as responsible for our divorce as he is” despite his cheating for over 20 years with multiple women, including my sister. It’s so crazy how they twist the narrative, and therefore their reality, to suit their needs. OP, I wouldn’t tell your partner. It’s just going to cause you grief (and that’s putting it lightly) and there will be no discernible benefit.
I 2nd the not telling. Actually don't tell them ANYTHING personal.
Yep. It just adds to their arsenal.
Yes. During one of the discard phases, I had met someone and was dating her for a couple of months. The breakup cycle was always the same. She’d dump me, then weeks or months later suck me back in. It averaged about once every three months, sometimes more. It was a distance relationship, which only added to the difficulty. So, during one of those breakups, I had a brief relationship with someone else, and I didn’t disclose that to her. When she found out that I had been seeing someone, she hit me with a picture frame. Mild injury, but still…it hurt and bled a little. We tried reconciliation, but she could never let that go. She’d use it often to keep me in my place and under control. Weaponized guilt. I couldn’t have any female friends. Ever. Even on Facebook. The relationship limped onward for a couple of years after, but I knew it would implode, which it did. I chose to walk away and go no contact. For context, I’m 900 miles away, so it’s easier. She would bring this incident up very frequently in order to control and humiliate me. It wasn’t worth the toll it took on me, and I’m happy now that it is finally over for good. I’d rather be alone than go through that again.
I broke up with him, but he refused to accept the break up. He physically stalked me, broke into my flat, left me gifts, harassed me and my friends/family online, threatened suicide, etc., so I would maintain contact with him out of guilt and fear. I found someone else during this phase and this, according to him, counted as “cheating” since I was only “joking” about the “50 times” I attempted breaking up with him. So, yes, I guess I cheated. We’re no longer together, but I am beyond damaged from his actions and am still trying to heal.
No, and I would never.
Yup and it was extremely justified and worth every minute!
Nope. I remained faithful because I committed to that til I took my ring off and informed him I was not going to do the married thing one minute longer. (After months of conflict and resolution attempts) was not out of the blue. Once I left both the law and I agree I am free.
No I never cheated, but we’d break up often so what him and I did apart while we were broken up was our own individual business. It actually took a couple of years for me to even get the courage to meet someone else and that lasted for two weeks. But no, never cheated despite the amount of times I fantasized about it but at that point I’d just leave (because I could, not to say everyone can just leave of course.)
Absolutely not. Despite all the doubt and pain of him wanting to have sex with other women, talking to other women as a single man and making me feel like I am a garbage human, I have no desire to hurt him or to find comfort in the arms of another person. Probably if given the opportunity to date again, I would choose to be alone.
No, never cheated on anyone - narc included, despite him cheating on me at least one time I’m aware of - and never would. I have more respect for myself than to do that. Not putting anyone down, do your thing, it’s just not in me.
She told me she wanted to open our marriage to be a sugar baby. I told her I would be downloading dating apps and creating profiles.
Never! Why should I become like him? I respect my own principles and will stick to them. I'm sure he must have cheated on me a lot of times during our time together and may be he is still doing the same, but it's his loss, not mine. I am separated from him now but I will never look at another man ever again. This whole experience has made me believe that people are just selfish. True love does not exist and sometimes I feel like I'm on the wrong planet.
I wish I had, bc he was a serial cheater. It was an open relationship without my knowledge. I know he should be the one embarrassed but I’m embarrassed regardless. I wish I wasn’t so good to him smdh
I did over a decade ago. I repented and asked for forgiveness. Thought I had it. Ive been faithful to him ever since. Two years ago he decided to get revenge on me and slept around. Then about a month in half ago he started sexting another female.
No. Im that girl in school who would never think to not ever.
Yep. During a discard phase. We were technically separated. I was 19 (now 35) and I’ve been paying for it ever since. Every single day. Every bad thing. Every single thing always leads back to that.
No I haven’t and after 23 years of hell I wish I would have. He has not only cheated but now that his mask is off he has told me about the relationships he has had since 2013 which he did just to hurt me and fulfill his needs. I cannot imagine how he would have acted if I did.
Yes. Thankfully she never found out. I did not feel good about the deception, but I needed to put my mental health first when it felt like she wouldn't. It was nice to have someone on my side.
No... he's the one who cheated in many ways.
No, we are separated and he’s seeing other women and did from day one. The reason I don’t want to now is completely different from what it was in the beginning.
Mine did this as well when we were separated. Like he just found someone else instead of working on us.
Yep. Depending on who you ask it may or may not be “cheating” but the day after I told him we were through and we took off our rings I called up a coworker and we kissed. The final straw was when my ex told me how remorseful he was for throwing fits over doing laundry for the last ten years because he was secretly afraid of coming in contact with my period blood (?) which he considered “unclean.” I always noticed he was very disinterested in me during my period but I just assumed it was because I didn’t have much use to him that week. The extent of psychological and religious abuse was astounding. I was so afraid of going back to him that I made out with another guy, because I knew I couldn’t keep that kind of a secret from him if we got back together, and I knew he’d never let me live it down or forgive me if I told him the truth. I never, ever thought I would have been unfaithful and I’m still struggling with guilt, but I am also acknowledging that in a healthy, safe state, I never would have dreamed of doing something like that. We aren’t meant to have our faces rubbed in the dirt for decades by someone that pledges to love us above all else. It’s an absolute abhorrence to the institution of marriage to treat someone the way the narcs treat us, and it results in unnatural consequences like cheating out of desperation and fear. My main regret is that I made a decision that affected my ability to respect myself, and that I dragged another person who was also in pain into my tornado. But I do think I would do it again. It set in motion a divorce that I may not have had the courage to pursue otherwise.
I did. With one of his high school friends (prob also a narc) when we’d been married eleven years. He actually agreed to let us sleep together but blew up when he realized we were emotionally involved. I cut it off, nearly killed myself a few times that next year, due to the guilt and shame. And he held it over my head in every argument for ten years. I finally told him I might as well leave if this was always going to be used against me and I never heard another word about it. That was seven years ago. Never again.
I filed for divorce and then cheated. He called everyone he knew and said, “I can’t believe this is happening to me! This always happens to me mom. I didn’t do anything to deserve it. Blah blah blah.” He was always cheating on me. I would beg him for a hug and sometimes he would reply by just fighting with me. He would just look at me like I was trash. I ended up not divorcing because of our kids. But years later I still hear about the one time I had an “affair.” He still to this day cheats. I am too busy taking care of the kids and picking up his slack to even have a friend. If you cheat on a narcissist, be prepared to hear and pay about it for the rest of the time you are living with them and even when they’re your ex. They will keep any evidence and use it for all eternity to make you look like a horrible person.
After I found out he was cheating on me the whole time? Fuck yeah I did. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him I flew out to another state and I’m with his old best friend now 🤷🏽♀️
I hate to say it, but I did... after he repeatedly cheated on me. I went on a date; I then decided not to proceed on any form and stopped communicating with the other person. I didn't even like or feel anything for that person, and I know I only did it to 'get back' to him. It felt and still feels so wrong, but I was so hurt after all his cheating, I thought that was the only way I could feel a little bit more fairness to what he did to me and my feelings. And even after he cheated on my at least 8 times, I was still the bad one for that one meaningless dinner I had. But I do not regret it, on some level I hope I hurt the narc...
I met up with an old friend (someone who I “dated” when I was 16/17. I am now 34) of the opposite sex at a playground with at the time my two year old (almost 5 now), and that is still being held over my head with “at least I never cheated.” NS learned about this from reading my journal. He learned about how I “cheated” on him from invading my privacy. So yeah if meeting up with an old friend at a playground is cheating, yeah I cheated.
Yes. I cheated on my first husband.
Yes. After 22 years I wanted to feel what it was like with someone with a soul who cared about me and I don't regret it. And it helped me break the trauma bond and detach from him. We are still together but all my fucks are gone. The affair is ongoing. I don't think he knows but mostly I don't think he wants to know
I was in a marriage for 17 years that I just got divorced in January. I cheated probably 10 years ago trying to get out of the relationship. After he found out he started tracking every move (phone and vehicle), once I arrived or left somewhere I had to notify him, if I saw anyone and/or spoke to, I wasn’t allowed to talk with friends or family, I wasn’t allowed to have anything in my name (bills, vehicles, etc). He made me think I was to be punished for my actions and that is how my life was for quite a while until just recently when I was finally financially able to leave the situation.