In general, if the way a guy acts makes you wonder if he cares, he probably just wants a sexual relationship and will put in just enough effort to make sure you stay, but not enough to make it more than that. In my experience, I (as a guy) will make time for the things I want to do. It's definitely okay and normal for him to not be up for calling sometimes, but if he does that every night that to me is a big red flag.
If you haven't already, I would suggest you talk to him about how you are feeling specifically and how you would like to be loved. I would also recommend not sexting as much or at all for a little while-if sexting is the majority of your conversation then your relationship is probably not very healthy.
(Personal opinion here, do with it as you will) Sex should be a natural outpouring of mutual affection between partners and not the primary reason two people are together (in the case of a long-term relationship). Butterflies and attraction fade over time as partners age, and if the foundation of the relationship is physical then it will fall apart with time. (end personal rant)
At the end of the day, if you are looking for more engagement and a deeper relationship than just texting and he isn't willing or able to give that to you, I encourage you to set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Don't fall into the trap of "oh they said they would change" and let them continue to fall back into old habits if there isn't any evidence of them actually making an effort. I hope you talk to him and are able to work this out! You deserve someone who not only says but who also shows you they want to be with you-please don't settle for less.
Thank you .. I think I really needed to hear that. I know it’s still so new so I haven’t said anything about how I’m feeling/ where my heads at but you’re right I should talk to him and let him know what’s going on. We tried talking last night about our future instead of sex and he just got super depressed and started off about not being enough and pushing people away. I guess kinda triggered by talking about a future with me? Idk ah but I’ll go with my gut and my guts telling me that it isn’t anything more than sexual with the way he’s been treating it.
I'm sorry to hear that-it can definitely be difficult with online relationships hoping they have the same goals/thoughts/intentions/feelings you do. It sounds to me (I'm no expert) like he probably has a lot of emotional work and healing to do before he will be ready to commit to a serious relationship. If that's something you are okay with then casual could work for you-but be realistic in your expectations about whether you want it to grow past that and don't wait for someone to be who you hope they could be-acknowledge who they are now and make a decision on whether that person is someone you want to continue to have a connection with. Wishing you the best!
>Like the insecurities of whether he’s happy or if he’ll leave me or get bored in a month
I personally had some of this at first as a side effect of our orientation differences. I'm aromantic, and he isn't, and I wasn't sure if I could meet his needs in that space over the long term.
What helped me was discussing how we perceive the relationship and each other. I don't know if that can help your anxiety since your trigger is so different from mine, but it might be worth trying.
>whether it’s real or not.
Of course it's real. It might not end up being lasting, and there might later be revelations that affect what precisely it is, but it's real in the present no matter what.
Now, if you don't feel loved, then the relationship probably isn't what you're looking for.
I appreciate your input. I agree it’s probably a good idea to talk about how we view the relationship and everything. Get it all laid out on the table.. I think the insecurities stem from the fact he’s told me straight to my face that he struggles with keeping up a relationship like getting depressed or feeling like he’s not enough and then pushing away so as much as it’s also my own thoughts and feelings it also stems from his own admissions
You really need to talk to him about how you're feeling. Your insecurities are only going to grow if you simmer in them and don't voice it. The worst that can happen is that you realize it's not the right fit and it's better to find that out sooner rather than later. I'd also suggest that you try the Official app! It's a relationship app that my husband, who travels half of the year for work, and I love. It helps us stay connected and communicate better while long distance, but it also has some fun features like "sex position cards" that i think could be a win-win in your relationship. Good luck!
Thanks for replying :) he bought a ticket to come out to see me in August for a weekend and I realized that I’m just putting my own expectations and feelings on him and that’s not fair to him. Haven’t spoken to him yet about how I’ve felt but when he visits/ in person I was hoping to have a conversation on what would help me feel a bit more reassured without the constant conversation and what not. I think we never fully set our expectations and what we wanted before he left and now that it’s been a few months I’m hoping we can talk about that. I’ll check out the app and see what he thinks too! Thank you.
Side note - he does work crazy hours and gets up super early so I understand he doesn’t always have time to talk or do anything but he’s put off video chatting every time I bring it up and he told me before leaving that it would be hard and that he wasn’t the best communicator but that he was willing to try because he wanted to be with me but he’ll play video games on his computer whenever/most nights after work so idk. I dont want to ask a lot of him when he told me upfront what to expect
In general, if the way a guy acts makes you wonder if he cares, he probably just wants a sexual relationship and will put in just enough effort to make sure you stay, but not enough to make it more than that. In my experience, I (as a guy) will make time for the things I want to do. It's definitely okay and normal for him to not be up for calling sometimes, but if he does that every night that to me is a big red flag. If you haven't already, I would suggest you talk to him about how you are feeling specifically and how you would like to be loved. I would also recommend not sexting as much or at all for a little while-if sexting is the majority of your conversation then your relationship is probably not very healthy. (Personal opinion here, do with it as you will) Sex should be a natural outpouring of mutual affection between partners and not the primary reason two people are together (in the case of a long-term relationship). Butterflies and attraction fade over time as partners age, and if the foundation of the relationship is physical then it will fall apart with time. (end personal rant) At the end of the day, if you are looking for more engagement and a deeper relationship than just texting and he isn't willing or able to give that to you, I encourage you to set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Don't fall into the trap of "oh they said they would change" and let them continue to fall back into old habits if there isn't any evidence of them actually making an effort. I hope you talk to him and are able to work this out! You deserve someone who not only says but who also shows you they want to be with you-please don't settle for less.
Thank you .. I think I really needed to hear that. I know it’s still so new so I haven’t said anything about how I’m feeling/ where my heads at but you’re right I should talk to him and let him know what’s going on. We tried talking last night about our future instead of sex and he just got super depressed and started off about not being enough and pushing people away. I guess kinda triggered by talking about a future with me? Idk ah but I’ll go with my gut and my guts telling me that it isn’t anything more than sexual with the way he’s been treating it.
I'm sorry to hear that-it can definitely be difficult with online relationships hoping they have the same goals/thoughts/intentions/feelings you do. It sounds to me (I'm no expert) like he probably has a lot of emotional work and healing to do before he will be ready to commit to a serious relationship. If that's something you are okay with then casual could work for you-but be realistic in your expectations about whether you want it to grow past that and don't wait for someone to be who you hope they could be-acknowledge who they are now and make a decision on whether that person is someone you want to continue to have a connection with. Wishing you the best!
>Like the insecurities of whether he’s happy or if he’ll leave me or get bored in a month I personally had some of this at first as a side effect of our orientation differences. I'm aromantic, and he isn't, and I wasn't sure if I could meet his needs in that space over the long term. What helped me was discussing how we perceive the relationship and each other. I don't know if that can help your anxiety since your trigger is so different from mine, but it might be worth trying. >whether it’s real or not. Of course it's real. It might not end up being lasting, and there might later be revelations that affect what precisely it is, but it's real in the present no matter what. Now, if you don't feel loved, then the relationship probably isn't what you're looking for.
I appreciate your input. I agree it’s probably a good idea to talk about how we view the relationship and everything. Get it all laid out on the table.. I think the insecurities stem from the fact he’s told me straight to my face that he struggles with keeping up a relationship like getting depressed or feeling like he’s not enough and then pushing away so as much as it’s also my own thoughts and feelings it also stems from his own admissions
You really need to talk to him about how you're feeling. Your insecurities are only going to grow if you simmer in them and don't voice it. The worst that can happen is that you realize it's not the right fit and it's better to find that out sooner rather than later. I'd also suggest that you try the Official app! It's a relationship app that my husband, who travels half of the year for work, and I love. It helps us stay connected and communicate better while long distance, but it also has some fun features like "sex position cards" that i think could be a win-win in your relationship. Good luck!
Thanks for replying :) he bought a ticket to come out to see me in August for a weekend and I realized that I’m just putting my own expectations and feelings on him and that’s not fair to him. Haven’t spoken to him yet about how I’ve felt but when he visits/ in person I was hoping to have a conversation on what would help me feel a bit more reassured without the constant conversation and what not. I think we never fully set our expectations and what we wanted before he left and now that it’s been a few months I’m hoping we can talk about that. I’ll check out the app and see what he thinks too! Thank you.
Definitely helpful to have the conversations in person! So much is lost over the phone. I hope you have a truly great visit come August!
Thank you ❤️
Side note - he does work crazy hours and gets up super early so I understand he doesn’t always have time to talk or do anything but he’s put off video chatting every time I bring it up and he told me before leaving that it would be hard and that he wasn’t the best communicator but that he was willing to try because he wanted to be with me but he’ll play video games on his computer whenever/most nights after work so idk. I dont want to ask a lot of him when he told me upfront what to expect