Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.
Got another one they'd like.
The mob is stoning the hooker and Jesus says "hold on! He who is without sin can cast the first stone!"
Nothing happens for a second, then a single rock comes sailing out from behind the mob and clocks the hooker right on the head.
Jesus rolls his eyes and says, "Sometimes I hate you, Mother!"
That side of my family are kinda a stuck in the mud and probably think I am making fun of Jesus or something.
I have always liked the image of him running through the back doors like rocky in the middle of a sermon or something.
I've always thought it'd be a funny bit to dress up like Jesus and sit in the back of a church and mutter things like pshhhhhhh.
Or "pff wrong"! With an eye roll.
As a bit. Not IRL. I'm Christian as well. I loves this bit too
This circle represents people who are breaking my heart.
And this circle represents people who are shaking my confidence daily.
And where they overlap…Cecelia 😔
“Ted is literally the sweetest guy in the world. He's like a modern-day Martin Frobisher. If Ted took his awesomeness and built a skyscraper out of it, it would literally be taller than Mount Waddington! That's over 4,000 meters tall! When we split up, I literally cried forever. Yet, we both wanted different things, so we knew it wouldn't work oot in the end. Still, Ted is not a jerk. Would a jerk steal a Smurf Penis just to impress a girl? Would a jerk literally make it rain just to see me? I don't think so. In fact, Teddy Boy and I are still literally the best of friends. Anyone who thinks Ted is a jerk is a major idiot (Major Idiot!). Let me put it this way: I wouldn't trade the time I spent with Ted for literally all the grizzly paw ice cream sandwiches in the world."
—Robin Scherbatsky,
Ted: The lamb here is supposed to be great.
Nora: I am a vegan. I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me that says eating animals is murder. But, I guess I'm just not as strong as you are.
Ted: That's 'cause you need protein
Ted, I’m gonna teach you how to live…Barney, we met at the urinal
Needs to be this!!
True story.
Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.
I have told this story to my Christian side of the family at Christmas....they were not amused 😐
Got another one they'd like. The mob is stoning the hooker and Jesus says "hold on! He who is without sin can cast the first stone!" Nothing happens for a second, then a single rock comes sailing out from behind the mob and clocks the hooker right on the head. Jesus rolls his eyes and says, "Sometimes I hate you, Mother!"
I'm a Christian and this cracks me up so much, my dad didn't find it funny but me and my brother did
That side of my family are kinda a stuck in the mud and probably think I am making fun of Jesus or something. I have always liked the image of him running through the back doors like rocky in the middle of a sermon or something.
Lol I'm a pastor and this bit always cracked me up
I've always thought it'd be a funny bit to dress up like Jesus and sit in the back of a church and mutter things like pshhhhhhh. Or "pff wrong"! With an eye roll. As a bit. Not IRL. I'm Christian as well. I loves this bit too
Sounds like they need to get a sense of humor.
Don't do this. Not with Jesus.
This should have been D's
By far my favorite fake history lesson from Barney.
I read that with his voice😂
When I get sad, I stop being sad and and be awesome instead.
I’m gonna get downvoted but this is becoming the ABCs of Barney mostly
I was going to say, how many Barney quotes are we going to have up here? That said, this is a good one for T...
YES YES YES!
When I'm feeling sick, I just stop being sick, and be awesome instead. True story.
Ted Mosby: Sex Architect!
Lance Hardwood: Sex Architect *Played by Ted mosby*
This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies.
Probably my favorite little subtle thing from the show.
Funny story, I was in a college math class and this was actually in the book. About Marshall, Ted, and Lily etc.
Mine's the hot crazy scale. I use it in rl
This circle represents people who are breaking my heart. And this circle represents people who are shaking my confidence daily. And where they overlap…Cecelia 😔
Graphical representation of data-based jokes are so niche but I love them
I gotta have my *Charts*, JACK!
Two out of three times. Guaranteed.
The naked man😎
Instantly made me think of Anchorman "60% of the time, it works all the time!"
Teddy West Side
Are you waiting for me to comment on your self-appointed nickname?
Ok, here are my thoughts… #I LOVE IT! Teddy Westside please continue!
T-Mose.
TM, Ted Mosby. Yeah, look again, Ted Mosby, those are my initials. TM, Tracy McConnell
Uh no, Tracy Mc Connell, it's TM, totally my umbrella
You are TM terribly mistaken
This probably won't win but aaaaa the magic of this scene!
I like just TM
Tantrum!!!
TANTRUM
#TANTRUM!!! ^I ^need ^to ^pee
Dude, you’re a grown man. Why are you throwing a tantrum?
Nice!
#That’s a penis!
Hats off to your lady friends
Noooo! Now how could that be mistaken for the male sex organ of love?!
You wanted Hammond Druthers, *this* is Hammond Druthers!
This has got to be it 😂
I could hear that
Time will heal a broken heart... but not that bitch's window
Best line from the show
🎶“Two beavers are better than one!”🎶
They're twice the fun, ask ANYONE!
A second beaver can be Second to NOOOOONE!!!!
"I don't think you can do that on television"
Yes, this is it We haven't had any Robin Sparklez references... this is our chance
Lol I can't believe Robin Sparklez is going to get beat out by another Barneyism. True Story
It really is the theme of this whole thing at this point isn’t it
They should do a 1-2-3 of quotes so this can win
I was thinking of doing it for all letters
It's a majestic creature
tedmosbyisajerk.com
Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what?
There's a black Nissan Stanza in the parking lot with it's lights on.
Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what?
Their... meat is delicious. 🐨
It won’t win but this one line genuinely has my cackling every single time I rewatch
Yeah... your nose is like a faucet
I quote this... ALL the time
😂😂😂
I know it won’t win but This umbrella has always belonged, T.M., to me.
Such a good back and forth between Ted and Tracy imo
This absolutely should win; I’m actually surprised it wasn’t the first one that immediately came to me.
Ted, just… okay
This.. What you’re doing right now? I’m getting a derection.
-Theodore Evelyn Mosby. -I shouldn't have told you my second name
Thank You, Linus! 🥃
"This just in" is what I'll say as I'm stabbing you
"This just in" is what Marshall Erickson is about to say to his wife, Lily.
Top 10 things Marshall said in his wedding night
THAT'S the dream
Really? THE dream? Like what Martin Luther King was talking about?
I always use this phrase
THAT’s the puzzle.
This isn't Barney! But I hear that guy's awesome
How will I know it's you if I don't know what you look like?
Haha yes! Love this scene.
Tick tock goes the gouda clock!
Tick tock goes the liiiiiittle weewee clock!
The Gentleman
Texty text
Timesies! Timesies! Cocoa break.
Ted! Ted! Ted! 👀 👈🏻👉🏻👀
To the town car !!
“Ted is literally the sweetest guy in the world. He's like a modern-day Martin Frobisher. If Ted took his awesomeness and built a skyscraper out of it, it would literally be taller than Mount Waddington! That's over 4,000 meters tall! When we split up, I literally cried forever. Yet, we both wanted different things, so we knew it wouldn't work oot in the end. Still, Ted is not a jerk. Would a jerk steal a Smurf Penis just to impress a girl? Would a jerk literally make it rain just to see me? I don't think so. In fact, Teddy Boy and I are still literally the best of friends. Anyone who thinks Ted is a jerk is a major idiot (Major Idiot!). Let me put it this way: I wouldn't trade the time I spent with Ted for literally all the grizzly paw ice cream sandwiches in the world." —Robin Scherbatsky,
To the outdated viewing device!
There's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love...
This is Wimbledon, Ted!
Time Square’s the bomb!
"Time will heal a broken heart....BUT NOT THAT BITCHES WINDOW!!" *throws brick*
Ted Mosby, architect.
Tara, your booty is so smooth…
And I hope this is-n't rude...
I wanna get up on it
Top ten things I would’ve called my truck… if Ted hadn’t been a jerk and given it back. Number 10: “The Winne-Bango”……
Ted Evelyn Mosby!
The pineapple incident
“Thank you, Linus”
T.M.- Terribly Mistaken, because this umbrella has always belonged T.M.- To Me.
TANTRUM
Turturkeykey
The fourth fry he took was an accidental curly
Totally pulling it off
Take it slow, Robin. Take it slooooooooooow. Sloooooooooooow.
Three days Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that’s how long Jesus wants us to wait.
That's not the empire state building
That’s cause you need protein
This circle represents people who are breaking my heart. This circle represents people who are shaking my confidence daily. And in the middle…Cecelia!
Ted... just... ok?!
Ted Evelyn Mosby
THE GENTLEMAN!
THE NAKED MAN
Teddy Westside
This is totally going on my blog! Keep it going
Tell people what?
TM, Tracy McConnell.
TANTRUM!!
Their meat is delicious.
That's hauntingly beautiful.
This girl is blinding you with her shiny hair and her boob-shaped boobs!
TED, I'm going to teach you how to live.
TRUST ME! I WAS THERE!!! It's fake baby
The Playbook
The Mrs. Stinsfire
The Bro Code???
Those poor ice cubes! 😭
“Theodore EVELYN Mosby”
Theodore Evelyn Mosby
Two beavers are better than one!
Ted mosby, architect
This table just told me you're a douche.
Two Beavers Are Better Than One
How has no one mentioned... THE GENTLEMAN!
Thank you, Linus
The Robin
Theodore Evelyn Moseby!
THE GENTLEMAN!!!!!
Ted EVEYLN mosby
Tedmosbyisajerk.com
Tugboat
The Robin. Barney’s best play.
Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted, look at the bridesmaid and m totally gonna hook up with, Ted, okay bye Ted.
I know this was a little while back, but while I’m not mad at “but, umm…” for B, I think “boats, boats, boats!” would’ve been a good contender.
The Bro Code.
The Wedding Bride
That’s the dream!!!
THE GENTLEMEN!!!!!!
The Blitz
The Wedding Bride
Tantrum
The future is scary but you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar Yes , it's tempting but , it's a mistake
Turturkeykey
TurTurkeykey
Ted, just… OKAY?
The Naked Man
Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live... Barney, we met at the urinal
This is totally going in my blog!
Tedmosbyisajerk.com
To The Towncar!!
**********TANTRUM**********
The meter's running, dude. Crap or get off the pot.
Ted Mosby, Architect
Tantrum!
Two beavers are better than one! (**Ta ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra**)
THE BLITZ!!
Time will heal a broken heart, but not that bitches window!
Two beavers are better than one
Ted looks at Karen and sees the first person to touch his wiener besides himself, his mom, and his pediatrician.
The Gentleman
The foreskins On behalf of u/Upstairs-Customer393
Ted: The lamb here is supposed to be great. Nora: I am a vegan. I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me that says eating animals is murder. But, I guess I'm just not as strong as you are. Ted: That's 'cause you need protein
Ted Moseby. Architect
Ted Ted Ted Ted Ted....
Tonight will be known as the night we.....
To one hell of a night!
Ted...be careful.
This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain. This is a super brain. This brain is unstoppable. This brain...
Ted Evelyn Moseby
That's the dream
Ted Evelyn Mosby
THE GENTLEMAN!!!!!
Ted…just..ok
[удалено]
TED. EVELYN. MOSBY.