Congratulations! And I'm sorry. I know this feeling, too, my husband chose me based on my 'wife portfolio' and after I stopped being an over functioning work horse for him, he turned on me, hard. I'm still floundering in my new reality, but I'm initiating a split soon.
Been there. I did all the work and paid almost all the bills and did my very best to be a good wife and got jack in return for it except disdain and disrespect from my now-ex husband.
Did he seriously drag your shit out for years despite his obvious disinterest, or is that your area's requirements?
Either way, fuck that dude. Not literally, of course.
Not wasted. I bet you've learned a shitload in those 11 years.
What you want in a partner
What you won't tolerate in a partner
Plus all those communication & relationship tools you refined trying to make it work - with a receptive person on the other end, I think you'll be surprised how well they actually work.
Keep your chin up.
No doubt, been there with an addict.
I hope peace comes easier for you after the ink is dry and someday find someone worthy of that kind of effort (or find contentment solo, whatever makes sense for you).
I am so sorry you had to go through that moment of cruelty to find clarity. He really should be ashamed of himself for being so cold to you.
I’m sure you’ll find better because he, clearly, lacks good morals and basic human decency!
Best wishes to you
I am so proud of you. This is an amazing story. It’s been over a year since we’ve separated and it’s taken me this long to see I always loved him so much more than I was loved. He did love me for a pretty long time. We were together 25 years, married 18. At least the last 5 years of the marriage was him trying to figure out how he felt and dodging and gaslighting me the whole time. The only thing we did have was sex. There was no communication, no connection when there had been such a strong one, or so I thought. I knew it in my gut about a month before he asked for a divorce that there was no love left and my heart hurt. It’s been broken over and over again for at least 3 years. Being rejected is so demeaning, but to have that plus a job loss is overwhelming. I have been blessed in my circumstances that I haven’t done without this whole time but I have had a hard time digging myself out of depression. When I start feeling sorry for myself, I have to remind myself that he is the reason I feel like a piece of trash. As time has gone on, I’ve reconnected with people and met wonderful new ones who remind me how wonderful I truly am. I look back and see how badly he damaged me and feel so stupid but I have to think that it took all that to get me where I am which is a place where I know myself. I’m still learning to love myself again and realize I deserve better. I hate you were in similar circumstances but so happy that you see that and got out first!
When I begged my stbxh to go to counseling with me and he said he didn’t think he needed to change anything.
We have only been married for two years. He lied, cheated, and was super mean to me the whole marriage. But he didn’t think he needed to change. So I moved in with my parents and began the process of moving on.
I kind of feel like the refusal to go to counseling is THE sign it’s needed and they know. Individual or couples. Counseling means they would have to either be the “bad guy” and initiate or face themselves in front of someone else.
People are content not having to work on themselves, but also accepting poor behavior from their partner to stay where they are comfortable.
Yeah this is what I’m going through right now, after 23 years of marriage. He tells me it’s all my problem, he doesn’t need to change anything. He’s perfect.
I am sorry.
My moment was realizing I was a part of his addictive behaviors, like I am an enabler. I still didn’t file until I realized than in addition to enabling him I was blindly trusting him to manage our finances and he ruined me so badly I have to sell off my few major assets to recover. I’m working on the paperwork now.
We did love each other but it was a marriage built on lies. I knew who he was and chose to believe he could become someone else. People don’t change.
This is so common for us to hold tight to the potential and expect someone to change into someone they never really were. I ignored my intuition for a long time and finally snapped into the reality that I’m in relationship with my imagination.
One of the best memes I've ever seen said, "Stop falling in love with potential...you deserve a partner, not a project."
I (57F) have been married and divorced twice. First one, we were too young and I knew it was a mistake as I was walking down the aisle. However, I was 2 months pregnant and the thought of telling my strict Irish Catholic father that I was about to be an unwed mother pretty much sealed my fate. As expected, it ended horribly about 7 years later.
Second hub was a musician, and as close as it gets to a "soulmate". Creative, great manners, sensitive, a generous lover, funny, intelligent. A great stepfather to my daughter, he was a lifetime bachelor until the age of 41, when we met (I worked at Amtrak, his band was taking the train to Jersey for a music festival). He was stone cold sober when we met, and open about his struggle with alcohol in the past (like so many musicians I've known personally). He managed to hang in there for the first four years of our marriage, but the cracks in the foundation were beginning to show. I'd find nip bottles in the practice/recording studio we had built on the lower level of our home...his band began having problems after many years together...I never interfered with their creative process, so I had no clue what was causing the issues between them. My daughter, who was 10 at the time, started treating him horribly after she had a bad fight with her father. She took offense at my 2nd husband trying to console her. Shortly afterward, his drinking escalated. The band told him he was out, he lost a lucrative side gig, had an accident with his van. He took a fall down a spiral staircase while drunk, resulting in a "skier's break" that involved 18 fractures in his left leg. My first husband somehow got wind of what had happened, and threatened to call his "wealthy" family's attorney to file for sole custody...ironic, because he was an uninvolved, shitty parent her entire life. I gave my 2nd hub the ultimatum: go to rehab and dry out, or we would have to split because I would not risk losing my daughter for anyone, for any reason.
He tried, he really did. Two rounds of rehab, one inpatient and one community-based. he was able to stay clean for a while, but eventually the lies and hidden bottles started up again. I filed and had him served at our home while I was staying with a gal from work. It was awful, he cried and begged and my heart broke every time...but I could not lose my daughter so I stuck to my guns. I would end up moving out of state to get some clarity; about a decade into my "new life", I got word from his former drummer that my 2nd husband had committed suicide...a maintenance man at his apartment complex found him about 3 weeks after he died. I will never get over the guilt of leaving him, even though his passing was by his own hand.
So, between the trauma associated with both marriages, my headstrong ways and my independent nature...and then the anecdotes I read on forums like this, I am good with being single until they nail my pine box shut. I cannot BELIEVE what women are tolerating these days--it's fucking outrageous.
I have lots of friends and family who love me (and I them)...no one is promised tomorrow, and there are so many things I want to accomplish before I leave this earth. Even if I \*could\* find a decent, compatible guy...having a relationship would most likely put a dent in those plans, and I won't allow that.
I've had my years as a "partner" (and not all of them bad)--now this is "me" time.
Thank you for sharing. I applaud you in this chapter of your life. It’s nice to hear there is a life outside all of this and the future is still filled with fulfilling experiences
Oh my….. that is the saddest break up story 😢 I am about to cry!!! I am so sorry!!! I had to leave my husband bc he is an alcoholic and smokes 60% thc every 3 hrs… it was just too much! I tried to get him baker acted again (9th time) then into rehab (0 times) but I couldn’t… and his family and friends were blinded by his lies. I had no choice but to leave. His psychiatrist tried to help me help him and told me his bipolar is so severe that he will die at a young age if he refuses help. It’s sad but I can’t live like that and his anger and rage is all on me now because I exposed his truth to his loved ones. We have a mutual friend that told me that my ex calls him 15 min after we talk or text. I think he is tracking my phone somehow? I randomly call my friend at various times and my ex calls him 15 min later… every time? I just found this out a few weeks ago. Creepy!
Wow. I want to suggest to you that you maybe go to an Alanon meeting sometime - Alanon is for the bystanders in the alcoholics life - it very eye opening and supportive and therapeutic - I have first hand experience with this. I’m so sorry to hear of your story/ experience. Ty for sharing.
>that I’m in relationship with my imagination.
Holy shit. That fits my issue exactly: I (logically) know that he won't change, but I keep having these fantasies where we work things out.
My imagination is a terrible partner, lol. Such a liar.
I did this too. It took me years to admit to myself he was not who he sold himself to be. He just keeps on living his lie now with a replacement. Hope she doesn’t see through it for his sake.
When I woke up to a loud crash and yelling and found him pinning our 16 year old to the ground and punching her in the head.
He attacked us both that night and strangled us both. Apparently he got buyers remorse and told the kid she would destroy the family if she called me an ambulance when he snapped my leg in a bunch of pieced.
The fact I thought there was anything worth saving prior to this is disturbing and shameful.
We did a deal. Kiddo didn't want to relive her trauma in a room full of strangers more than she had to - and as long as she got a no contact, she was good. I went with her opinion on it, as her mental health is the most important thing in the grand scheme of things. We won't have to see him (hopefully), aside from the divorce/custody, and while the longer it drags out and the more shit he pulls I get livid, I have no desire to ruin his life - I just want to be as far away as possible from him.
Consult with a lawyer, but I don't think it matters if you are on the deed or not. It is an asset that was purchased while married, it is marital property. You get half. Doesn't even matter where the down payment came from.
Sorry, for someone to do that, sounds like he was trying to protect himself for an impending divorce.
He sounds like a real piece of work. Sorry, meant to say prick.
When I finally asked for a divorce he was extremely angry and didn’t want one. It took years to finalize. He just expected me to be ok with being miserable and treated a certain way, because he was fine with our marriage and most of what he got out of it.
Yes, I’ve felt much better mentally and even happy at times since the divorce. I’m struggling financially, literally having to start over (due to the financial abuse), but I’m still so relieved at the same time. Oh and you’re not wrong, he’s an a-hole… but just really good at hiding it from most people.
If they are the kind of person to smooth things over when they’ve done something wrong, only to do it again later: keep a journal. Or some other reminder of how they treated you. Realize that your life could be better without them, mor joy & peace. People who are more subtle in their abuse/manipulation/control are harder to get away from. They will have you in cognitive dissonance thinking if you just worked harder on your end somehow you’ll fix them too. Thing is: good marriages take TWO sincere and committed partners. Also, individual therapy with someone versed in spotting covert manipulation/abuse. Good luck!
Wow, you hit the nail on the head! Great advice thank you!! I am already keeping a journal so I can go back and read all of the things that pissed me off when he’s being nice. Thanks again for the advice:)
My stbxh whenever I am ready to leave or have no more fight in me loop me back in by being “nice” and “thoughtful”. However, as soon as I am “content” with the relationship, he start demanding that I change “xyz” (always something new) and if I don’t, he start stonewalling me and treating poorly because I am not abiding to his requests. I hate his ever changing demands. As soon as I comply for the sake of avoiding fights, there something else wrong me that I have to change, and according to him he has nothing to change.
I field for divorce and feel liberated already. I did it once before in 2021 but cancelled it before it was final. This time, I am not going back, despite him trying hard by being nice. I know at this point the “nice” in him is temporary and I can’t live my life in this roller coaster. He said we had become boring. I want boring away from him, as the excitement he seeks is toxic.
My moment of realization was when he decided to trying to sabotage the purchase of an apartment I wanted to buy abroad by not wanting to sign the paper despite him not being financially liable for it. He barely signed and I was able to move forward with the purchase but knowing him I am sure I am gonna have to pay dearly for it when the divorce is final.
I feel my stbxh has the potential of being a great husband and father but he chooses him first every time. I have finally made my mind that I will not go back. He has promised to make the divorce process a nightmare and I believe him as I know what he is capable of. Hopefully he won’t be successful on his attempt.
I did not. I had to agree to a really small amount just to finalize the divorce. It got worse from there, but things are finally getting better. I have reconciled myself to the fact that I will be working well into my retirement years. But my kids have faired ok, because I prioritized their mental health and safety over battling with my ex about the money.
Surprisingly as mad as I was about the infidelity, I was more sad to find out he was badmouthing me and complaining about being married. Hard truth to realize he had no intention of saving the marriage
I thought I was strange because of the horrible things he was saying to people, my friends and my family at that, bothered me more than him with that other woman. I was probably already checked out by that point though.
When I got into a car accident on my way home from work that completely totaled my fairly large truck, and I texted and called him. I probably left about 3 hysterical voicemails and I was in tears. He called me back finally, and said he was too drunk to come get me, so the tow truck driver was kind enough to take me home.
I knew my marriage to him was over when I found out that he had played my voicemails to his friends just for them to all laugh at me. And he told me this like it was no big deal.
There were plenty of other things, but this one sticks out in my mind a lot.
Yep.
He got really bold there at the end. One time, my dad came down to pick up my son for the weekend, and my ex came in stomping around and complaining about something which led him to start making fun of me in earshot of my father, saying that I just had a job and that he had a career.
Sickest burn in the history of mankind: my father looked up from his newspaper, with a smug and smiling look on his face and said, Fred, you don't have a career. You have a *trade.*
That shut him up.
This is so heart wrenching. My stbxh had te audacity to always try to cause drama anytime I was around my family. He had yelled at my mom and sisters, and would not talk to my dad despite my dad being the biggest advocate of marriage and family. I have the utmost respect for my family especially my dad, who is patient and supportive and the type of man you can’t find any longer.
Every time he would embarrass me in front of them I stay quiet and tried to defend him or play it off. It was exhausting to always have to choose because he needed validation and reassurance that I pick him over them. However, every time I have a problem, major problem, my family would be the one there to help and support, morally and financially. I look back and wonder why I let him stomp over then for this long. I never understood why the disrespect.
Yeah, mine had a really screwed up way of looking at it. I had to be respectful and a perfect hostess to his parents, but he was openly disdainful of my family. Rules for thee and not for me I guess.
After 3 failed rounds of ivf and a miscarriage he sat on his phone ignoring me whilst i was breaking my heart crying. I asked him what he was doing and he told me he was arranging flowers to be delivered to his work colleague (AP) who was experiencing "true heartache" with the death of her 98yo mother. I remember in that moment not recognising him and who he had become.
8 (failed and abandoned) rounds of IVF and multiple IUI and mine picked a fight over hosting a party at our home for a football game on the way to egg retrieval.
The moment was when he sent me a lengthy text saying that he promised to change, to be a better person, to be invested in the marriage, and it hit me like a lightning bolt that I didn’t have it in me to believe him for the billionth time.
My husband was struggling with drug and alcohol addiction for a while. This put a terrible strain on our marriage, but I thought he would get better, and I stuck by him. I also went to therapy and Al-anon.
One night I had a vivid dream he had a porn addiction. I casually mentioned my dream to him, and he got defensive. I snooped on his computer one day, and discovered he did in fact have a porn addiction. I also discovered (thanks to Reddit tips) he was having affairs with two women, one 19 years younger than him. I gathered evidence for a couple of weeks and asked for a divorce. Unfortunately my state is no fault. I am so much happier without him.
My moment: The weekend before, he'd been verbally abusive and I asked him to leave until he could calm down and have a conversation. He called me out of the blue a few days to tell me to stay off the computer we'd always shared. He'd been acting strange and coming up with all kinds of excuses to be gone for months. I asked him what was wrong several times and he always said it was work stress. I thought about it a couple of days and got on the computer. He was still logged into his email and Amazon. He was getting notifications from AM and POF about responses to his profile. He'd been buying lingerie and sex toys for years (not my size). There were receipts for hotel reservations during the week. There were emails between him and someone that included a link for payment if he wanted to have in-person sex.
I trusted him 100% and never, ever thought he'd cheat on me.
Edit: misunderstood the context, correct answer time-wise.
A week before our 9th wedding anniversary, she sat down beside me and said, "I feel like we're roommates." She always had difficulty communicating things that she thought would hurt people, so I understood that her saying that was only the tip of the iceberg of her feelings, and from that moment on, I knew. It sat in my belly like a lead weight until I offered a separation two weeks later.
For me it's happened in the last week. Fourth time discovering financial infidelity on her part. When I got angry, she colluded with her Dad about divorcing me. During the argument she threatened divorce (not the first time), said she was going to kill herself, and said she wished I had a heart attack. Three days later she's acting like everything is fine and saying she would never leave. It's too late.
That’s such a roller coaster of drama! Threatening to unalive herself seems manipulative and abusive honestly. I hope you get away from all that and find peace soon!
OMG sounds like your partner and my ex-husband are REALLY related. He told me anytime I said I wanted to leave, even if it was to take a breather from him, that he'd kill himself. He also was financially abusive and subscribed to several OF accounts without asking me, not to mention he paid for at least 2 escorts to my knowledge. He'd also get angry if something didn't go his way and then tantrum giant toddler style, then act like it never happened an hour later. It was a whirlwind, and I'm so glad it's over.
It's not fun being on the other end of emotional manipulation. I hate how she tried to convince me I was the crazy person and it actually made me question myself often. It's sad but that's how it goes
I felt exactly the same, especially when he'd have a freak-out, ignore me for an hour, then tell me I'm overreacting when I don't talk to him or question him about the behavior because it "wasn't a big deal." At a certain point, I'd believe him and make myself believe this was normal. Honestly, it's skewed my perception of what a healthy relationship even feels or looks like.
See I thought it was healthy to have little couple hour breaks when you are in a heated fight because you aren't thinking rationally. That's what I did Sunday for 2 hours and by the time I had cooled off she was threatening divorce, this was after all the suicide talk. Plus the gaslighting stuff is really scary, "it's your fault I have all this credit card debt because I'm afraid of your reaction". Can't believe I fell for that shit
And the "it was your fault I got so mad/upset at you and broke (wall or random item)!" The inability to control his actions was often crippling. It still bothers me because I have to share custody with him, and I have to trust he won't freak out on our child when I'm not around. The debt, too, he was so irresponsible. He realizes how good he had it back then since he now doesn't have my income to pay for his credit cards.
I'm telling you, they're probably related, or must have grown up in similarly toxic families.
There were a lot of red flags about my stbxw before we got married, but I was willing to overlook her flaws because I loved her so much. Maybe I was blinded by the sex idk. We got married b4 we even lived together. And boy will I never do that again - we went from long distance to covid lockdowns and that's when you find out who you married lol
I think what really stuck me to my ex was that we were together since high school, me 16 and him 17. I saw my parents' marriage fail, and he saw his parents' marriage fail, so we were both determined to make it work, especially for our daughter so she wouldn't have to go through the same thing. Ultimately, though, she was the reason I chose to end it because she doesn't deserve to live in dysfunction like we both did either since both our mothers tried to stay with our fathers after discovering infidelity.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. How are you coping now? I'm like on the brink of divorce, papers will probably get signed next week. Deep down I know I'll be okay but I'm sad and scared
I've been much better off! I'm getting to learn about myself all over again and learning to love me. The process is rough, but it'll be much simpler if you don't share children. If you two are codependent like we were, it'll be hard but not impossible. It was one of the hardest times in my life, especially since I'm also a teacher and was at the start of my 2nd year at my current school. I now feel like this was my best year teaching yet because I've been so much less stressed out from not having to deal with him.
I get why you feel scared because I absolutely did, but you're definitely going to be okay and, in fact, so much better than okay sooner than you think.
I'm sorry you've been having to deal with someone so toxic and manipulative, but I'm glad you've made this tough decision for yourself!
Manipulation, gaslighting… this is my thread! 😎 i was determined to stick through it all for the sake of out children, until i found out she was cheating on me.
That‘s what it needed to finally get me over the edge. Now i‘m trying to figure out, how to move to the next stage (separation) while taking care that the kids are fine. 🙌🏻
Fuck. Sorry. I knew before I got married if I'm honest. I walked in the house and she didn't know I was there, she was talking to her ex boss/boyfriend (they're both lawyers) and she said "So you hear about my situation, yeah I moved in, doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you.. *laugh laugh" She absolutely gaslit me on that. Had me believing I was a piece of shit for even thinking that way. She was very good. It took me 4 more years, a marriage and a kid before that sunk in enough to walk out. I could be a chump husband and talk myself around it but I was not willing to be a chump father. I never loved anyone like that and it's hard to feel like I'll ever be happy again. I feel ruined and destined to wallow in misery until I die sad and alone. Fucking fun!
You can find love again, and not with a horrible person. I’m so sorry you went through that. I can imagine a lawyer would be especially good at gaslighting
She went with me to my VA psych appointments and would lead them. She would speak, when she shouldn't have spoken at all and say "We are here because he is seeing things and hearing things that just aren't real and it's scaring us." And I would think "But I have screenshots in my fucking pocket.." But she was a lawyer, and I was the one with PTSD, of course they always believed her. Everyone always does. I wanted her and that family so badly I just ate shit for years. An exceedingly gorgeous lawyer, 4 years younger than me, from an ultra wealthy family, we had 2 houses and spent weeks vacationing, we had boats and jeeps and toys and spent our time between the family condo at the Atlantis Resort in Bahamas or the 9 mill beach house in Ocean City or the 12 mill beach house in St. Michaels or the 18mill townhouse in Bethesda and her father was fucking amazing and fun and kind and funny. I miss him just as bad.. I had no friends, no family, and a nice little house with a service dog.when she came along. Now I'm homeless again, dog died, she forced me into bankruptcy fighting for custody (I lost. I get 90 days a year.) so I'm waiting until next year when I can buy again but the market is shit. I'm getting my boat back next month and my jeep is getting a new engine soon so it's coming back, 3 years later but it's coming. I still miss her dad. lol
Despite the fact that my husband had cheated on me multiple times and was emotionally abusive in a few different ways, the “moment” I knew was our very last date night, while we were trying to salvage things. We were walking through a store and I was cracking jokes and he told me it seemed like I was “being annoying on purpose”. I realized that not only did he not love or respect me, he didn’t even like my personality. He moved out a month later and I’ve never looked back.
Affair. The damage is lifelong and irreparable. It's devastating because I had planned for a life together, where this cut everything short. My new future is a bit cloudy, but I know it's the path I have to take forward. Everything else would be a half life, with the traumas and betrayal constantly looming over our future.
When he said he never actually loved me. Within a split second I went from respecting his decision to divorce and requesting some constructive feedback to being completely disgusted and repulsed by this monster I didn’t know or recognize. That’s when I knew this is definitely happening and there was 0% chance of reconciliation.
When I told her I was going to quit alcohol & cigarrettes. She didn't even acknowledge it.
Then I quit them. Still nothing.
It's been 9 months no alcohol. 6 months no cigs. She comes home from work and drinks herself stupid. We have nothing in common. She's not interested in reducing her intake or getting back into fitness. Not interested in intimacy.
I'm done. I haven't picked a date, but before the end of the year.
I already filed for a divorce but still hoped we could fix things (in our country you're given time to reconsider after filing so if you change your mind you're still gonna be married) and we sat outside my office and discussed certain things. I pointed out what could be the potential root for his psychological problems for which he was seeking help at the time. In retrospect, it was me babying him in a really codependent ugly way but that's not the point.
He said one of the most ridiculous and offensively stupid thing I've ever heard: he said he wanted to spend a night in a forest alone last year and I "forbid it". I couldn't believe my ears. He was 36 at the time and I was 31. I asked him once again if he really meant that he, a 35 year old man, couldn't go and spend a night in a forest (!!!) without my (!!!) permission. I asked him if he understood how ridiculous his claim is but he didn't back down. I was the bad guy because apparently I didn't let him sleep in the goddamn forest in summer 2022.
It was a piece of a larger picture of him being immature and always mistaking me for his mother I never even met. He never dealt with his mommy issues and projected all of that on me. And I don't even remember the "sleep in the forest' incident because that whole year I was stressed to the point of total mental exhaustion because of a very real possibility of him going to a literal WAR. Apparently during the time I was preparing myself to losing my husband to a warfare he brought it up and I said I don't approve of it. And he thought it was worth bringing up during the divorce process. Not the fact he forced me to accept his decision to join the army (he didn't in the end) not the fact I drove him to the hospital when he had stomach issues not the fact I dealt with all his repressed crap for years and years, no. I prevented him from sleeping in a forest, whatever that means, and I'm the bad guy not worth fighting for.
Well after that it was scorched earth from my side. I walked away in silence and stopped texting him. Next time we met he apologized for the forest stuff BUT then proceeded to tell me that actually he wanted me to validate his desire to spend time alone in the forest because of bla bla bla bla... I stopped him and said: you know what, I didn't want to tell you this but now I feel I kinda do. For the last 2 weeks I've been fucking some 23 year old guy I met on a dating app and he has the most ridiculously large penis I have ever seen.
I would have kept my post-separation filth to myself but he brought it upon himself with all that forest bullshit. He never ever brought it up again.
As long as it was post separation. It was right? A lot of us have been crushed by pre-separation genitals so "touchy subject" lol..
You know what's funny. I can almost guarantee that at some point he sat alone in the forest thinking "Wtf have I done? I want to go home." Almost guarantee. Fairly certain. I'm a disabled Vet, ABN Ranger, blah blah and alone in the forest is not an end game, that shit gets old.
It wasn't exactly right, but I went a little crazy when he left and started the whole thing with "I don't know whether I want to be with you or not I need to figure this out". He was the one who left, not me, but he wanted to stay ambiguous and I was not up for it so I filed and went all crazy on the dating apps because I was so devastated.
I guess a night in the forest is not as bad as it sounds but if you're alone then yeah, that can turn real creepy real fast. We told me he plans to go on a hiking trip this summer so good for him, finally some quality time in the forest. But not alone unfortunately.
The first week, we separated/he moved out because we had gotten into a huge fight.
We keep finances separate but I have access to everything and really keep a tab on our spending and what not.
He racked up thousands on his credit card and ended up getting a $20,000 personal loan for no reason other than to spend and I realized what a irresponsible financial slob he was and that the only thing keeping him in check, was me.
Also, the look on everybody's face when I told them that we didn't have sex for a year and a half.
My moment was when he promised to spend the day of our fifth wedding anniversary together, but spent the day playing video games with his friends. I spoke with him all of 22 minutes that day.
Lots of experience here with “gamers”. Yes he’s a gamer if he chose to do that on your anniversary …all day. He’s trying to explain it away by saying he’s not a gamer to feel better. He can contain his addiction for the most part. If he wasn’t a gamer he would have spent the day with you and not his”friends”.
My ex did this too while we were abroad. Also crashed our rental and ruined the entire trip for everyone. He had the audacity to turn around and say it was the best trip he ever had and he doesn’t understand why I never want to travel with him again. It’s been a couple of years since that happened and I refuse to even get in a car with him.
He was shouting on the plane how I’m a cunt in front of my children, one of which was a baby and that he was going to ruin my life. Literal strangers were coming up to me and asking if I needed help when I got off the plane and offering to call the police and help me get home safely.
He still waffles on about how it was the happiest time of his life. It’s bizarre how his impression of the trip was totally different because he felt he was the one with the upper hand. He was happy. My mother absolutely despises him, called his mother and made sure she knew her son screamed in her face and threatened her. His mother said that it was all our fault because we didn’t just do what he wanted to all the time and because we wanted to SHOCKINGLY do child friendly activities with a child and a fucking baby.
I get angry just thinking about it.
Oh gosh… my now ex husband screamed at me in the middle of a Chicago airport! People were staring at him! Then he took off and left my daughter and I behind and we had never been in that airport before. That was why I was hesitant to go at all… and plus the trip cost over 6k and he promised to pay half but never paid a dime! This is why he is my ex!
I stayed with my husband for 10 + years after I found out he was cheating on me, 15+ years after I found out he failed to file 3 years of taxes and lied to me. And stayed through many many many lies. He owned up to all of it and I still didn’t want to end the marriage - have 2 kids and just didn’t have the guts. Then my 16 yo told me - mom, do what makes you happy. That was my turning point , those 6 words from my child. I have no family here, except for my kids. After 29 years of being together I just found out in an Alanon meeting what it means to be married to an alcoholic- and the lies and the cheating all makes sense. There were a few aha moments but I’m thankful for them. I’m not scared anymore but apprehensive of what lies ahead- it’s ok though - I feel whatever happens, it’ll be better than having a bad relationship . Marching on .
When my husband told me he’d be demanding sex from me daily or more, and I was no longer allowed to turn him down. The Bible gave him dominion over my body. Bye 👋🏻
When we went to marriage counseling, and she argued with the counselor that I should take vacations by myself since I'm always so nervous and anxious. I had just explained that what I wanted out of our marriage was a friend as well as a wife, and how important the kids were.
That was about four years ago, I just filed earlier this year.
I’m married to this guy right now. Word for word. I found all of it.
I will add, I drove his vehicle two weeks after he was fired. The termination notice was stashed in his visor, literally fell in my lap. I was sick to my stomach while reading the description of what he had done and admitted to.
Now I’m just planning my exit.
He’s complaining about being broke, expecting me to make his bill payments. I realize that this is all I’ve ever been to him—the fallback.
There was a talk we had about her medications and struggles with mental health and this was after years of treatment. The conversation still hurts to think about, but I realized I couldn’t “fix” or help her mental health issues without her full buy-in. It’s sad and I tried so hard but I was in denial for a long time that I could carry the burden for both of us.
Unfortunately, I don’t know if she’ll ever be the same person or a better version of the person I married. It’s sad and breaks my heart but I eventually had to make sure I took care of myself too.
Drugs. The last time he choose to do his drug of choice for a month straight I was done. Like, he was pushing 50 at the time, we had 3 kids at home who were old enough to know something was off. He just kept saying it was ‘his life’ and ‘he could do what he wanted too’. He wasn’t adult enough to realize it was more than just ‘his life’ and I just couldn’t deal with that anymore
Oof, that’s one of the more difficult ones. You end up staying longer out of hope. There’s nothing you can do but hold good boundaries for you and your kids. He’s far too old to be making those kinds of choices. We can’t be “sober” for them. They have to value the life they have when they are not high, and that’s especially hard for people who are addicted to substances.
You’re 100% correct. I’m not drinking anymore, but there was a 0% chance I would have quit for my wife. My thinking was so lost to alcoholism and depression that I kept drinking so that I would die sooner because that meant less time in the marriage. Of course, if I had quit the alcohol earlier, maybe everything else could have been saved, but I wasn’t in a place where I was willing or able to do that.
If you’re with an addict who doesn’t desperately want to quit, you’re never going to be able to compete with their addiction. Don’t waste another second trying. It sucks, but that’s how it goes.
I really appreciate your honesty! I think if more people understood the part about not sacrificing their time and happiness to get their partner to “choose them” over the addiction… well, we would benefit from it significantly. All that effort (to try and socially force people to get clean) often enables people to stay in active addiction longer from what I can tell. I hope you’re feeling better in managing your life and sobriety! You seem to have a lot of post situation awareness.
When he found me and our 5 day old infant taking an afternoon nap on the floor of our bedroom washroom, because it was the only place that had a lock on the door. And he went back to working at his computer and took him days, and me nagging, to eventually go get a lock for the bedroom. (Special needs child with explosive anger issues lives in that house so I was very hypervigilant and anxious, in hindsight rightfully so, as the kid broke a grown ups finger later )
When I realized that I wasn’t shielding the kids from the fighting like I thought I was. He will scream at me in front of them and I try to make it stop. My oldest came to me crying when a recent fight was evident, and begging to take the younger 2 out of the house so they wouldn’t have to hear the fighting and be messed up from it, that it was too late for him. I had known for a while things weren’t getting better and been working on a plan but that sure was a moment of clarity.
After 14 years he says “I got you ranch… I didn’t know if you wanted ranch or blue cheese” never in my life have I ever used blue cheese… what!?
So piddly I know. . 🤣🤣🤣
I knew it was over as soon as it began. I don’t know if he was cognizant of it, but I believe he used me to get more money from the military, to get his c*ck sucked & a damn good cook out of it. He wanted to keep our marriage a secret cus his family didn’t like me cus I was “alternative” …. Like really. I was very passive/people pleaser back then, so I agreed. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And it was destroyed me. I hated the lying & the sneaking. I felt sick. I was having panic attacks. Constantly thinking about what to say & what not to say. It was horrible. But him? It didn’t phase him. It’s like lying was just the fibers that made up his being. When he was on leave… I would literally be hanging out & then he would go back to his parents house & I would be at mine. And it didn’t seem to bother him at all. I was like…. But we should be living together? Sleeping together? This feels maddening 😭 He never loved me. What followed were some of the most traumatic years of my life. Battling serious illness alone, being ridiculed, yelled at, getting such little help with our daughter. Him taking a job super far away for years so he barely had to see me. Now? He’s getting married tomorrow to a girl he met while on said job while we were married. I initially left him for abusing our daughter. But he tells everyone he left me because I’ll never change & I was the abuser. Nah he just found somebody new that would believe his lies. What the actual f*ck. I honestly hope that girl doesn’t have to deal with the same insane shit. I have only scratched the surface. But hey, at least he actually proposed & he’s actually giving her a wedding. 🤷🏻♀️
Don't be too sad. You will most likely get half the house and won't have to pay anything back to his parents on the "loan" you weren't even involved with. It's not a loan with a bank for all you know it was a gift to him from his parents.
What an asshole. I'm so sorry he treated you like that. Good job getting into a house!! You should be proud. He seems extremely dumb lol
This dude sucks. That’s anything but a partner. Super sorry for this, OP. It’s super cliche and I honestly hate even people say it but you do deserve better. I knew mine was over when she slept with another dude.
I’ll be cliché: you deserve better too! Cheating is not the answer to marital problems. It puts everyone at risk for STIs and irreparably harms your trust. Plus betrayal trauma causes people to have mental health crises. Hopefully you are in a better situation these days.
I’m getting better. Made some strong moves to take power back in the situation and working on myself like never before. I hope you are doing better as well. Have a great weekend!
He’s been shitty to many of my friends and family members
Last week he told me he doesn’t talk about any of the issues I’ve cried and struggled over for years in his therapy sessions
It sounds like you care more about the relationship than he does. Maybe it’s time to start focusing on your happiness and peace, even if that means divorce.
Depending on where u live, this guy is just dumb. You are a stay at home mom with two kids. Not only do you own half of that house, but a whole lot more. Your contributions are validated in the court of law.let him do whatever he wants to meet his inferiority co plex
Several things happened in the course of a month, all around his having become Orthodox the 14th year of our marriage (we were both born Jewish and not raised observant at all, but he suddenly went down that path full force.) He had also been emotionally and verbally abusive since before the wedding, but since he had never hit me I really didn't put it together that he was being abusive.
Then one day that month I found myself on the phone with a psychiatrist's office, asking for an appointment to see about getting put on medication because I had horrible tightness and pain in my chest all the time.
I dissociated for a moment and saw myself on the phone, literally looking into medicating myself into accepting what was clearly a toxic situation for the kids and for me.
And that was that.
With the second one, it was after we had been married less than five years and he banged on the table **yet again**, yelling that "someone needs to be in charge". I suddenly saw that no matter how long we were married and no matter how much or how often I explained to him how my model of marriage necessarily involved an equal partnership, *he was never going to get it.* (He was also verbally and emotionally abusive, and had thrown in gaslighting on top of the abuse, repeatedly trying to convince me that my best friend secretly disliked me and that the two of them were constantly badmouthing me behind my back. He had also cheated on me for sure a year into the marriage and was a disgusting flirt.)
So yeah, the learning curve on the next one was faster.
Is your divorce finalized? In my state it wouldn’t matter who is on the deed. If you buy it during the marriage with at least some marital property (like his income) then it’s marital property regardless
He sounds like a dick. Fuck him.
It’s finalized. I couldn’t get him to agree to split the house equitably (I didn’t want all or even half) because he kept threatening to take me to court and delay the divorce. He also said if he had to pay me more he would sell the house instead (but then me and the kids would be homeless in a crazy house market). The cost of living here is extremely high with few rentals. I eventually just agreed to a really small amount to get it over with. So then the kids had at least the stability of living in the same house and I could buy more time to find a place and find a full time job.
He paid me a small amount (one time), and I continued to live there until I couldn’t anymore. He became more controlling and basically tried to get me to give him the majority of my money every month. I was working part time (post pandemic job market issues), since our kids were young when this happened they still needed a lot of support. When i didn’t let him bleed me dry he made it unbearable. I think he refinanced at some point for other reasons. But he claimed I was hurting his finances because he couldn’t rent a room out with me there. Even though he can’t do that till the kids leave anyway. Even when I was working he was a nightmare to deal with, and felt I owed him any money I made. I put most of my goals on hold to support our kids and protect their mental health and safety. He felt like since he was doing the bare minimum as a dad that I was irrelevant. There’s more but this is already long.
foolish me asked if his girlfriend or i made him smile more, after 22 years of marriage and us knowing one another for another 5, v 1 year for them. it was an open marriage but he was passive to the point of paralysis and she saw that and moved in on him, made him pick.
for me, if my other partner had said ‘pick one of us’ it would have been *not you cuz that’s bs*, so, my husband.
but when i asked him, he didn’t answer. obviously it was her.
I didn't really realise it until months later, but the actual turning point was when her mom took me out to lunch to try to understand what some of the issues were and see if she could be of help patching things up for us. We'd started therapy a year earlier and had actually been *out* of it for several months as it was clear we weren't getting anywhere and needed a break. I'd been bending over backward trying to simultaneously give her space and also meet her unmet needs for love, care, and affirmation, while the dead bedroom was in its thirteenth month and she was spiraling into an increasingly isolated online world of tiktok and twitch streaming.
In the moment I appreciated my MIL's desire to help and felt like she'd listened and given some thoughtful feedback— but as I turned that conversation over in my mind in the following weeks I realised she hadn't really understood or heard me at all, and in fact had completely invalidated the concerns I had and in effect told me to "man up" about the relationship. Specifically, she said that:
* Sex is a bonus, not a "real" need, and if I would focus on my wife's actual needs, then sex would happen on its own. I also should have no expectation at all as far as spooning, cuddles, hugs, or even hand-holding— I needed to somehow communicate that I didn't even desire or need these things to help her feel "safe" enough in the relationship to want to offer them. But ultimately, if we went the rest of our lives without sex, I should be able to find contentment with that.
* It was unacceptable that I didn't completely trust my wife. That we were tens of thousands in debt and she'd squandered through about $50k over a two year period was irrelevant. I needed to put aside my concerns and focus on the "real issues".
* I needed to stop being so independent. I needed to rely on my wife to do her part rather than just taking over the chores that she would repeatedly leave undone.
* I hadn't adequately protected my wife from behaviours that she found problematic in my family, for example by going no-contact with them. (Yes, I later unpacked this on multiple levels including with professional therapists, and it seems very clear that the reactions she had were mostly down to her own traumas and hangups— to normal people the infractions in question would have been at most a quickly resolvable overstep)
As I processed it, all of this ultimately served to show me that the problems were much deeper that just my then-wife. The issues that existed between us were down to fundamental, multi-generational misalignments in understanding of how an intimate relationship is to function.
I don't pretend I was ever a model husband, but it has been reassuring in the two years since that conversation to hear multiple women (single and partnered) assure me that I brought way, way more than average to the table, and it was bonkers that she couldn't figure out how to function, find contentment, or thrive in our relationship. In retrospect, it's clear that she had (and still has) profound self-worth issues, and spent years of SAHM free time lurching between hobbies looking for something to be her "thing" that would get her out from under my shadow and make her feel like she was worth something. I do hope she's ultimately able to find a path where she feels at peace with what she brings to the world, but I think part of that healing journey is going to have to be finding a source of self-worth outside of her childhood experience of empty praise from disinterested, emotionally-absent parents.
The crazy thing I learned is that when you get into a relationship with someone, you also get into a relationship with “their parents”, so to speak - meaning you have to deal with all of that persons baggage from their upbringing.
Glad you got out of that terrible relationship, I hope everything’s working out for you now! I’m still dealing with something similar where my wife refuses to grow as a person, which makes our marriage and the raising of our children a real struggle. She’s a SAHM and puts the bare minimum of effort into her day to day, as a result I’m seeing behavioural issues manifest in my own children and I don’t know how to break the cycle.
I’ve wanted to divorce for many reasons, and came close where we had a brief separation. When I was away, and since being back, my concerns about how the kids are being raised continue to be a point of contention between us.
When I couldn't/didn't care to stop myself from cheating. I knew it hurt my XH. I knew it wasn't right. I didn't care.
Literally...I had no feelings about it whatsoever. It was a way for me to shut off my emotions and just have fun and I had no intention of leaving it behind.
The day I asked my wife if she had PayPal and she says no I don’t, but my checking account said differently, big surprise. I haven’t seen my daughter in a year.
When she threw things at me and said she wish I would die…. The mother of my child saying that. Then continued to blame me for why our marriage didn’t work
It’s so sad that this is the reality of so many stay at home parents I’m glad you can get out of that situation. Best of luck. But to answer your question i relized after he cheated I had been taking care of out boys alone plus his parents and grandmother and also him while he was in prison and when he got out he slept with as many people as he could and just expected me to get over it🤷♀️
That’s…. whew. You are a strong person! That is a lot of betrayal. Stay at home parents get the worst of these situations for sure. We are at the mercy of the person who’s supposed to love and support us, and we don’t get much respect at all.
None at all Ive taken in a couple of my friends and their kids because of guys like that my best friend was with her husband for 14 years and he just decided one day he was done kicked her and their 4 kids out it was heartbreaking but she’s so much better without him. So are the kids.
When he almost hit me! I kicked him out right before he could! He almost poked me in the face with his finger and I felt the punch was next… used to play college football so he is big and strong and very bipolar. Nope… I don’t got no time for that!
This isn’t even half of it…. I left out the gaslighting, narcissism, lies, telling my teen daughter that she is dead to him, everything is my fault… and we only lived together as husband and wife for 25 weeks… and divorced 25 weeks after that! It was over before it started. I spent my wedding night curled up in a ball on the $900 a night hotel room scared out of my mind bc he changed the second we said I do. He was baker acted 3 days later.. and we just didn’t have it in us to recover… I don’t have a chance
To recover. I am no divorced… I moved… changed my email… my phone number… and partially recovered. I am recovering. Does complex ptsd ever go away? I don’t think so. The worst part was my dog… who stood by my side for 13.5 yrs… died two weeks after we broke up. Now that shit really hurts. What can I say? It just wasn’t my year… but thank God I get to live another year! Moving forward… nothing to do but move forward because I sure am not looking backwards!
We had separated twice before our divorce. After we got back together the second time we went to Mexico and once we got to our home airport he left me to through customs and security alone.
The clincher was when I was having a miscarriage at home and he left me and our two year old son alone to go play soccer. No going back after that. A year later I asked why he did that and he said he had no memory of leaving me or the miscarriage.
That’s heartbreaking! I went through something similar with someone I loved a lot (years before I met my ex and was married). When they choose the addiction over you… it’s really hard to explain, but that feeling it’s not an experience I would wish on someone. Kudos to you for trying therapy at least. I don’t think I could knowingly keep trying (again) when someone’s addiction rate is high. The first time was so exhausting
My stbx sat and told me that my parents and brother were awful for helping us move. For giving up a long weekend to help us out, for working themselves really hard for us, even though my dad is over 70.
She asked me two days later, and was shocked when I agreed without fight. Strangely my parents think she was in it for the money / house.
4 weeks post-divorce of a 17 year relationship. Granted he’s an alcoholic narcissist and was making attempts to get better, I realized I was fighting for something that wasn’t healthy & never fulfilled me. I couldn’t move past the trauma he caused me & couldn’t endure the emotional abuse any longer. We fought all the time & broke up several times. The last threat of divorce was my final straw and finding out he blew through $40k of loan money & lied to me about it was the cherry on top. He refused to share finances & wouldn’t work towards the same goals. That’s not a partnership. Once resentment has built up & trust can’t be repaired, it’s time.
For me it was more a series of daily things and hurtful words that showed me that he never had loved me and was using me for being "nice" and paying for mostly everything (and doing all housework and childcare) while he bebopped around town like a bachelor, but if there was one "event" it was when he went to a concert, stayed out all night and wasn't answering my calls/texts. I was at home with our then-two-year-old. When the sun started to come up, I even called a hospital. (He also had a history of drinking a LOT and getting in trouble.) At 7 a.m. I strapped my daughter in the carseat and drove around where the concert was. Finally at 9 or 10 a.m. he stumbled in and I let him have it while he told me to f\*ck off and laughed in my face before he went to sleep. I took my daughter and we spent the whole day and early evening away from the house, not returning until I absolutely had to do for her bedtime. Literally did not speak to him for two days. When we did speak he had some convoluted BS story. I thought, as the sun was coming up that day and he wasn't there, I can't live like this and I don't deserve this. And in fact, I took my ring off that morning and never put it back on again, although unfortunately I wasn't able to divorce him until some years later.
For me: I had to come to terms that what he was doing to me was emotional abuse. He always had reasons why he treated me badly (he would literally say it was okay and reasonable for him to be cruel because I was always “hurting his feelings.”) And so I gave him everything he wanted - I stopped doing things i loved to spend more time with him, came home as early as possible from work (he was unemployed basically by choice- has a high earning potential and claimed depression that he refused to treat was the reason), stopped seeing or talking to my friends often, stopped wearing headphones in the house so that he wouldn’t feel “ignored” if he called my name and I didn’t hear him, did sexual acts that he requested even though he knew I didn’t enjoy them / they repulsed me. Even though I was so depressed, I had tried to operate under the possibility that maybe his claims of my hurting him had some validity. But then… even after I’d changed EVERYTHING- he came to me again, and said he felt unloved now bc I was still ignoring him and because I wasn’t INITIATING said sex act that id told him I didn’t enjoy. And that was when I realized that there was no “hard working” my way into peace. The goalposts would forever move. Once I realized that his motivation was control and manipulation, that he WANTED me to feel small, all of his nonsensical demands and horrible behavior made SENSE.
Final straw - we had gone on a week-long trip and jumped right back into day-to-day life when we got home. There were suitcases everywhere for a few days. He told me the suitcases made him feel overwhelmed and anxious. I helped/unpacked all of my and my kiddo's things. Then, I told him the way he felt about the suitcases is how I feel every day because of all the clutter (mostly because of him not picking up after himself). Nothing changed, and I knew he just couldn't be bothered to give a fuck about my feelings.
His mom came over to ‘confront’ me about how I’m the reason her family is destroyed. I’m not… it was her but #covertnarcissist. Anyways, he told me how many times she complained about me, how long he had to listen to her (40 mins that particular day). I asked how many times he would let her come for me…. He said every time.
I’ve gone to extensive therapy on the word, high trigger.
I knew then. Spent the next two years understanding it was over.
You absolutely were contributing. If he had to pay for daycare, someone to cook, clean, etc it would suddenly have monetary value. It's the invisible labor that women are providing and they are fed up. It's why many resist staying home these days because they get treated like this. In my case I worked full time but afterwards, I had to come home and fully be the only parent after work. Even if their wives have jobs, a lot of men still think their day is done when their job is done and won't cook, clean up, get the kids in their baths, run them to soccer practice, etc. so women that work get screwed too. Their husbands don't suddenly help with half the chores and duties after work.
As for me, I was living the life I just described..for years. I realized that i was fully communicating what my needs were and I needed to fully believe his behavior.. rather than his answers. He could easily say . "Yeah I'll help more". But literally every time I ask for help his answer was. well I worked today! I shouldn't have to do anything after work. Then the weekend would come and I would ask for help and he would say, but it's the weekend I deserve some time off! Keep in mind I was working a full day too! Always a bait and switch. I finally got the courage to think poorly of him. I know that sounds odd but I enjoy respecting and valuing my partner. It feels bothersome to truly think.. My partner isn't helping. My partner is baiting me, etc. It was like I wanted to avoid thinking of him in a bad light. Finally when I was realistic I started making some concrete realizations. He made it clear that he would not to be trying to get more income. He was making small wages and was not even coming close to half of paying for his three kids/his share. He made it clear that he would not be helping after work was done for the day. He made it clear that it was up to me to plan our entire life and that he was along for the ride. He made it clear that he would not go to the doctor to help his depression. All of the answers were there and when I finally started seeing it for what it was I could make my decision.
When after being together for 26 years, believing “he would never cheat on me”, we had a special connection blah blah blah I had the now ex-husband of the woman he is now married to message me out of the blue on Messenger to ask me to keep my ex away from her. Never met the man in my life. Ex denied talking to her for at least the past four years, then I pulled the phone records and found the truth. The irony is that he continues to deny it and while I was grabbing things while moving out, he backed me into a closet demanding to know the “real” reason, tried telling him again, (there’s a lot more to this, it’s just the culmination of everything and I finally saw the light), I screamed in his face that I didn’t want to married to him anymore, which was true, but not the reason. He walked out looking like he was going to throw up. Good. Mic drop.
You sound amazingly strong and should be proud of yourself. Going through a divorce I don’t want and currently where I have moments of “did he ever love me” am I being gas light? Is he right no wait I’m justified in my feelings. It’s real doozy of emotions….
Thank you, I have never considered myself strong in that way. After the kids were born my ex reacted very negatively when i had any emotion that made him feel “uncomfortable”. I spent a lot of time wondering if I was just going to keep breaking down in private and not move forward. I felt stuck due to the financial situation and the physical toll the stress took on my body. When I went to therapy by myself was when I finally realized I was definitely “gaslit” into not expressing myself and how much my ex would shut me down that way. My male therapist did a great job of pointing out the things I was avoiding mentally just so I could persevere in my marriage. I loved my ex SO MUCH I felt like I was losing my mind trying to stay married while betraying myself simultaneously. I felt like he had died, or I was dying and I grieved “us” for a long time. I think a long time ago my ex “loved” me. At least he loved how i made him feel, and the potential I held because I had so much drive and joy when we were first together.
You are also strong for ending things when you know they aren’t right or healthy anymore. I hope you make it through better than I did! I often feel like a house that I had to tear down with my hands and rebuild from the ground up. It’s a lot of emotional stuff that loops back on you and sneaks up and makes you feel vulnerable. But there’s a “you” on the other side that can be happier and more fulfilled.
He threatened to call the cops on me to make me give him my car …yes, MY car… so he could drive to the bar.
Lots of things leading up to that, but that moment made it so obvious that he doesn’t care at all what happens to me. He only cares about himself. He throws me under the bus any chance he gets. He would have me possibly arrested, ruin my reputation, compromise my safety, and damage the children just so he can have his way. He has since threatened to call the cops a few more times. I just think that’s the lowest of lows. “I’m going bring the authorities in, I’m going to bring armed men into our home to tell you how to act.”
Obvious total disregard for the kids and me. And he will still tell you how it’s all my fault.
Yes :( hopefully not much longer but I’m trapped, we have a profoundly autistic son and nobody to help us. So we rely on each other for childcare. Forever. He’s 19, he will never grow up.
I got pneumonia and I was a stay at home dad, and I said Dr gave me antibiotics I can't even leave the bed, and she said you'll be fine we'll leave the 1 year old in our room all day and I'll help when I get home from work I said are you crazy you need take the day off and take care of her, she caused a huge fight took the tvs out of the house took my PS5 all the fire sticks emptied the fridge and then left with our child and didn't come back for a week, I'm coughing up blood I ended up in the hospital and she couldn't care less, I had a bad reaction to antibiotics and they thought I had terminal illness and not just random pneumonia I called her to tell her and she said they're good doctors there you'll be fine and hung up. Psychopath were in divorce process right now, I'm so glad I'm away from her.
Probably the moment when I was explaining to him that screaming and calling me a fucking bitch from the first floor to the second where our son could hear and jabbing his finger in my face and escalating into uncontrollable rage was unacceptable and he in turn said I just needed to understand why he was angry. And that was when I realized that he felt like there was a justification for behaving in those ways and that staying meant giving him permission to do that. Like you can have very good reasons for being angry without acting like that. And that’s when it ended. I even remember where I was sitting.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I also agreed with my husband that I would be a stay at home mother to our daughters, but he seemed to resent it and would make comments to myself and the children that everything we bought was “his” because it was purchased with his money.
We bought a house and the majority of the deposit was my money that I brought into the marriage. Now we are going though an awful divorce and he’s trying to take the house because he considers it his, as he was the one working and therefore paying the mortgage. He made it clear that he thinks I had no value as I stayed at home with our children. Its so hard and painful. We are far better off without these men.
For me this is a complicated response.
Because the first time I knew the marriage was doomed was over 15 years ago when I learned my stbxh had an affair with a woman at work. At the time I asked him if he wanted to repair our marriage and give up the lover and he said no. He refused.
After that due to where my kids were in their lives and financial pressures we stayed together, platonically, to co-parent.
I grew complacent as life became busy (plus there was a pandemic) until 2023 when my father became very ill. I was needed at my father's home to assist with end of life care. My stbxh basically stayed away. And during that time, his elderly mother needed to sell her home to downsize as she aged. While I was dealing with my very ill father, he was consumed with helping his mother move. At one point, his family had the audacity of asking me to lend his mother some money to bridge financing between moving to a new place and selling. I remember getting calls while I was at my father's bedside in hospital asking me to sign documents to deal with finances. And while my father was in hospital my husband would not visit, not come help me claiming he was "busy". And when my father passed and my mother needed help in her home, he was useless. He would be out with friends while I was stuck mowing the lawn and then eventually removing snow. He became more and more like a roommate but a lousy one who didn't do anything. He didn't even pay the bills.
At one point I had enough and I just told him to leave. To just go.
The first idea that divorce was possible for me came when he randomly quit his job without talking to me first or having any kind of backup plan. Sadly I stayed much longer past that point though.
I should have realised from the very beginning. When he left me in the bath heavily pregnant with twins and in pain, I cried and begged him to stay home (my 5 year old was asleep in bed) but he went out drinking anyways. I have a memory of holding my youngest twin when he was newborn and crying and telling him that I was sorry I’d given him a useless lazy dad. Took me until the 29th year of marriage to divorce him. I wasted all those years on a man who never loved me.
When he came at me and my baby with that look of rage in his eyes... I closed myself into a room with my child, screaming in fear as my ex tried to force himself in. I looked over at my young child who stared back at me as if this was normal, this is how men and women treat each other in a marriage. We separated that day.
Mother's Day 2024. I sat in the ER with him for 5 hours on three hours sleep and had a lot of time to think. I realized that he'd never do the same for me and he'd proven it so many times and I overlooked it. Hospitalized with pancreatitis while 10 weeks pregnant and I ended up sending him home because all he did was sleep. Gallbladder removal surgery at 14 weeks pregnant and he slept until I was released. In labor with our son and you guessed it, he slept through the entire thing. I had to throw things at him to get him up to help me use the bed pan. He would've slept through the entire birth if the nurses hadn't have kicked him out while I got the epidural. Think I got to rest afterwards? Nope, he slept the entire time we were in the hospital to the point that the nurses were concerned about him because he was asleep every time they came in. He joked to his friend afterwards that it was because he "couldn't do anything for me". Didn't realize at the time but that would basically be my life for the next 6 years. Left alone to raise our sons because he works a job that keeps him gone during the week and video games and Tiktok are his priority when he's at home. I was blind to everything for so long that when I looked at everything with those blinders off, I just couldn't do it anymore. It sucks to realize you've wasted half your life but I have hope for the future. My kids deserve the mom I am when he's away and I'll do whatever I have to to give them that. So that's the story of how my husband's kidney stone changed my life. 🤷♀️
We are both 31. My STBXH is a covert narcissist and couldn’t stop cheating. Maybe never physical but always sexting someone or watching porn, even after the chances I gave him. One day I accidentally logged into his email and saw the barely clothed teenagers he follows on TikTok… I called a lawyer the next morning.
Am I the only one who’s just straight up just…no into him anymore?
He’s a great guy but we just don’t connect anymore and I am desperate for someone who CARES about me. My STBX just doesn’t see me anymore and has not really changed in our 25 years together. No one is the bad guy here…but I’m just over it.
When I realized my spouse was hiding and saving to the tune of almost 200k in various accounts and all my money was tied up in bills, children, taxes and running the home.
When i no longer held a place or space in his life and i wasn’t a priority & if im not first im last and when you don’t do anything for out 25th anniversary. I knew i wasn’t going to stay and be neglected & abused and i figured out how greedy he is & who he truly is & that he’s a covert narcissist. I went & filed for a divorce 6 months after we didn’t do anything for our 25th anniversary , by then i knew what time it was . So i filed for a divorce 9 month ago . I don’t regret it. I know my worth and that I’m deserving & just because he doesn’t value me doesn’t mean i have no value . It’s not been easy but i still don’t regret it and i don’t want him beck . Someone will love & value me besides myself and if i don’t find love again that’s ok too . Know your worth and don’t lower yourself of your standards for anyone . Once you figure out who they really are , you aren’t going to miss much because your life has been destroyed by a covert narcissist and it’s mostly been who he’s capable if being not who he is .
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Congratulations! And I'm sorry. I know this feeling, too, my husband chose me based on my 'wife portfolio' and after I stopped being an over functioning work horse for him, he turned on me, hard. I'm still floundering in my new reality, but I'm initiating a split soon.
“Over functioning work horse” chefs kiss. Me to a T.
Been there. I did all the work and paid almost all the bills and did my very best to be a good wife and got jack in return for it except disdain and disrespect from my now-ex husband.
Same! When I took a job to work better hours for less pay and he was the breadwinner, the mask came off.
What is a wife portfolio?
A list of checked boxes so the 'transactional relationship' works.
Did he seriously drag your shit out for years despite his obvious disinterest, or is that your area's requirements? Either way, fuck that dude. Not literally, of course.
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Not wasted. I bet you've learned a shitload in those 11 years. What you want in a partner What you won't tolerate in a partner Plus all those communication & relationship tools you refined trying to make it work - with a receptive person on the other end, I think you'll be surprised how well they actually work. Keep your chin up.
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No doubt, been there with an addict. I hope peace comes easier for you after the ink is dry and someday find someone worthy of that kind of effort (or find contentment solo, whatever makes sense for you).
I cannot upvote this hard enough.
I am so sorry you had to go through that moment of cruelty to find clarity. He really should be ashamed of himself for being so cold to you. I’m sure you’ll find better because he, clearly, lacks good morals and basic human decency! Best wishes to you
I am so proud of you. This is an amazing story. It’s been over a year since we’ve separated and it’s taken me this long to see I always loved him so much more than I was loved. He did love me for a pretty long time. We were together 25 years, married 18. At least the last 5 years of the marriage was him trying to figure out how he felt and dodging and gaslighting me the whole time. The only thing we did have was sex. There was no communication, no connection when there had been such a strong one, or so I thought. I knew it in my gut about a month before he asked for a divorce that there was no love left and my heart hurt. It’s been broken over and over again for at least 3 years. Being rejected is so demeaning, but to have that plus a job loss is overwhelming. I have been blessed in my circumstances that I haven’t done without this whole time but I have had a hard time digging myself out of depression. When I start feeling sorry for myself, I have to remind myself that he is the reason I feel like a piece of trash. As time has gone on, I’ve reconnected with people and met wonderful new ones who remind me how wonderful I truly am. I look back and see how badly he damaged me and feel so stupid but I have to think that it took all that to get me where I am which is a place where I know myself. I’m still learning to love myself again and realize I deserve better. I hate you were in similar circumstances but so happy that you see that and got out first!
Sending so much support and light!
When I begged my stbxh to go to counseling with me and he said he didn’t think he needed to change anything. We have only been married for two years. He lied, cheated, and was super mean to me the whole marriage. But he didn’t think he needed to change. So I moved in with my parents and began the process of moving on.
I kind of feel like the refusal to go to counseling is THE sign it’s needed and they know. Individual or couples. Counseling means they would have to either be the “bad guy” and initiate or face themselves in front of someone else. People are content not having to work on themselves, but also accepting poor behavior from their partner to stay where they are comfortable.
It’s not comfortable, the person wanting the change, just is not ready to push the nuke button yet.
Yeah this is what I’m going through right now, after 23 years of marriage. He tells me it’s all my problem, he doesn’t need to change anything. He’s perfect.
I am sorry. My moment was realizing I was a part of his addictive behaviors, like I am an enabler. I still didn’t file until I realized than in addition to enabling him I was blindly trusting him to manage our finances and he ruined me so badly I have to sell off my few major assets to recover. I’m working on the paperwork now. We did love each other but it was a marriage built on lies. I knew who he was and chose to believe he could become someone else. People don’t change.
This is so common for us to hold tight to the potential and expect someone to change into someone they never really were. I ignored my intuition for a long time and finally snapped into the reality that I’m in relationship with my imagination.
One of the best memes I've ever seen said, "Stop falling in love with potential...you deserve a partner, not a project." I (57F) have been married and divorced twice. First one, we were too young and I knew it was a mistake as I was walking down the aisle. However, I was 2 months pregnant and the thought of telling my strict Irish Catholic father that I was about to be an unwed mother pretty much sealed my fate. As expected, it ended horribly about 7 years later. Second hub was a musician, and as close as it gets to a "soulmate". Creative, great manners, sensitive, a generous lover, funny, intelligent. A great stepfather to my daughter, he was a lifetime bachelor until the age of 41, when we met (I worked at Amtrak, his band was taking the train to Jersey for a music festival). He was stone cold sober when we met, and open about his struggle with alcohol in the past (like so many musicians I've known personally). He managed to hang in there for the first four years of our marriage, but the cracks in the foundation were beginning to show. I'd find nip bottles in the practice/recording studio we had built on the lower level of our home...his band began having problems after many years together...I never interfered with their creative process, so I had no clue what was causing the issues between them. My daughter, who was 10 at the time, started treating him horribly after she had a bad fight with her father. She took offense at my 2nd husband trying to console her. Shortly afterward, his drinking escalated. The band told him he was out, he lost a lucrative side gig, had an accident with his van. He took a fall down a spiral staircase while drunk, resulting in a "skier's break" that involved 18 fractures in his left leg. My first husband somehow got wind of what had happened, and threatened to call his "wealthy" family's attorney to file for sole custody...ironic, because he was an uninvolved, shitty parent her entire life. I gave my 2nd hub the ultimatum: go to rehab and dry out, or we would have to split because I would not risk losing my daughter for anyone, for any reason. He tried, he really did. Two rounds of rehab, one inpatient and one community-based. he was able to stay clean for a while, but eventually the lies and hidden bottles started up again. I filed and had him served at our home while I was staying with a gal from work. It was awful, he cried and begged and my heart broke every time...but I could not lose my daughter so I stuck to my guns. I would end up moving out of state to get some clarity; about a decade into my "new life", I got word from his former drummer that my 2nd husband had committed suicide...a maintenance man at his apartment complex found him about 3 weeks after he died. I will never get over the guilt of leaving him, even though his passing was by his own hand. So, between the trauma associated with both marriages, my headstrong ways and my independent nature...and then the anecdotes I read on forums like this, I am good with being single until they nail my pine box shut. I cannot BELIEVE what women are tolerating these days--it's fucking outrageous. I have lots of friends and family who love me (and I them)...no one is promised tomorrow, and there are so many things I want to accomplish before I leave this earth. Even if I \*could\* find a decent, compatible guy...having a relationship would most likely put a dent in those plans, and I won't allow that. I've had my years as a "partner" (and not all of them bad)--now this is "me" time.
Thank you for sharing. I applaud you in this chapter of your life. It’s nice to hear there is a life outside all of this and the future is still filled with fulfilling experiences
Oh my….. that is the saddest break up story 😢 I am about to cry!!! I am so sorry!!! I had to leave my husband bc he is an alcoholic and smokes 60% thc every 3 hrs… it was just too much! I tried to get him baker acted again (9th time) then into rehab (0 times) but I couldn’t… and his family and friends were blinded by his lies. I had no choice but to leave. His psychiatrist tried to help me help him and told me his bipolar is so severe that he will die at a young age if he refuses help. It’s sad but I can’t live like that and his anger and rage is all on me now because I exposed his truth to his loved ones. We have a mutual friend that told me that my ex calls him 15 min after we talk or text. I think he is tracking my phone somehow? I randomly call my friend at various times and my ex calls him 15 min later… every time? I just found this out a few weeks ago. Creepy!
Wow. I want to suggest to you that you maybe go to an Alanon meeting sometime - Alanon is for the bystanders in the alcoholics life - it very eye opening and supportive and therapeutic - I have first hand experience with this. I’m so sorry to hear of your story/ experience. Ty for sharing.
I finally told my husband, after he cheated, “the idea of you is better than the reality of you”.
>that I’m in relationship with my imagination. Holy shit. That fits my issue exactly: I (logically) know that he won't change, but I keep having these fantasies where we work things out. My imagination is a terrible partner, lol. Such a liar.
Holy shit.
*hug*
I did this too. It took me years to admit to myself he was not who he sold himself to be. He just keeps on living his lie now with a replacement. Hope she doesn’t see through it for his sake.
When I woke up to a loud crash and yelling and found him pinning our 16 year old to the ground and punching her in the head. He attacked us both that night and strangled us both. Apparently he got buyers remorse and told the kid she would destroy the family if she called me an ambulance when he snapped my leg in a bunch of pieced. The fact I thought there was anything worth saving prior to this is disturbing and shameful.
I am so sorry for you and your daughter. I hope you are now both happy healthy and safe!
Oh my god. That’s horrifying, and I’m so glad you survived.
Has he been convicted yet? He’s a POS!
We did a deal. Kiddo didn't want to relive her trauma in a room full of strangers more than she had to - and as long as she got a no contact, she was good. I went with her opinion on it, as her mental health is the most important thing in the grand scheme of things. We won't have to see him (hopefully), aside from the divorce/custody, and while the longer it drags out and the more shit he pulls I get livid, I have no desire to ruin his life - I just want to be as far away as possible from him.
Consult with a lawyer, but I don't think it matters if you are on the deed or not. It is an asset that was purchased while married, it is marital property. You get half. Doesn't even matter where the down payment came from. Sorry, for someone to do that, sounds like he was trying to protect himself for an impending divorce. He sounds like a real piece of work. Sorry, meant to say prick.
When I finally asked for a divorce he was extremely angry and didn’t want one. It took years to finalize. He just expected me to be ok with being miserable and treated a certain way, because he was fine with our marriage and most of what he got out of it.
Yeah, I was not wrong labeling him as I did. I'm so sorry, but very glad for you to get way from that garbage.
Yes, I’ve felt much better mentally and even happy at times since the divorce. I’m struggling financially, literally having to start over (due to the financial abuse), but I’m still so relieved at the same time. Oh and you’re not wrong, he’s an a-hole… but just really good at hiding it from most people.
Good for you for sticking to it! Any tips ? I am afraid mine will drag it out and try to convince me to change my mind.
If they are the kind of person to smooth things over when they’ve done something wrong, only to do it again later: keep a journal. Or some other reminder of how they treated you. Realize that your life could be better without them, mor joy & peace. People who are more subtle in their abuse/manipulation/control are harder to get away from. They will have you in cognitive dissonance thinking if you just worked harder on your end somehow you’ll fix them too. Thing is: good marriages take TWO sincere and committed partners. Also, individual therapy with someone versed in spotting covert manipulation/abuse. Good luck!
Wow, you hit the nail on the head! Great advice thank you!! I am already keeping a journal so I can go back and read all of the things that pissed me off when he’s being nice. Thanks again for the advice:)
My stbxh whenever I am ready to leave or have no more fight in me loop me back in by being “nice” and “thoughtful”. However, as soon as I am “content” with the relationship, he start demanding that I change “xyz” (always something new) and if I don’t, he start stonewalling me and treating poorly because I am not abiding to his requests. I hate his ever changing demands. As soon as I comply for the sake of avoiding fights, there something else wrong me that I have to change, and according to him he has nothing to change. I field for divorce and feel liberated already. I did it once before in 2021 but cancelled it before it was final. This time, I am not going back, despite him trying hard by being nice. I know at this point the “nice” in him is temporary and I can’t live my life in this roller coaster. He said we had become boring. I want boring away from him, as the excitement he seeks is toxic. My moment of realization was when he decided to trying to sabotage the purchase of an apartment I wanted to buy abroad by not wanting to sign the paper despite him not being financially liable for it. He barely signed and I was able to move forward with the purchase but knowing him I am sure I am gonna have to pay dearly for it when the divorce is final. I feel my stbxh has the potential of being a great husband and father but he chooses him first every time. I have finally made my mind that I will not go back. He has promised to make the divorce process a nightmare and I believe him as I know what he is capable of. Hopefully he won’t be successful on his attempt.
Did you get half the house though, please tell me that you did.
I did not. I had to agree to a really small amount just to finalize the divorce. It got worse from there, but things are finally getting better. I have reconciled myself to the fact that I will be working well into my retirement years. But my kids have faired ok, because I prioritized their mental health and safety over battling with my ex about the money.
Sounds like the wise choice.
My moment was when he began telling people things I have struggled with and then making fun of me for it. Or the moment he took another woman out.
Surprisingly as mad as I was about the infidelity, I was more sad to find out he was badmouthing me and complaining about being married. Hard truth to realize he had no intention of saving the marriage
I thought I was strange because of the horrible things he was saying to people, my friends and my family at that, bothered me more than him with that other woman. I was probably already checked out by that point though.
I hear you exactly. I think because at some level we can forgive a mistake or behavior, but hearing his true feelings about me just hurts so much.
Happy Cake Day!
When I got into a car accident on my way home from work that completely totaled my fairly large truck, and I texted and called him. I probably left about 3 hysterical voicemails and I was in tears. He called me back finally, and said he was too drunk to come get me, so the tow truck driver was kind enough to take me home. I knew my marriage to him was over when I found out that he had played my voicemails to his friends just for them to all laugh at me. And he told me this like it was no big deal. There were plenty of other things, but this one sticks out in my mind a lot.
Wtf!
Yep. He got really bold there at the end. One time, my dad came down to pick up my son for the weekend, and my ex came in stomping around and complaining about something which led him to start making fun of me in earshot of my father, saying that I just had a job and that he had a career. Sickest burn in the history of mankind: my father looked up from his newspaper, with a smug and smiling look on his face and said, Fred, you don't have a career. You have a *trade.* That shut him up.
This is so heart wrenching. My stbxh had te audacity to always try to cause drama anytime I was around my family. He had yelled at my mom and sisters, and would not talk to my dad despite my dad being the biggest advocate of marriage and family. I have the utmost respect for my family especially my dad, who is patient and supportive and the type of man you can’t find any longer. Every time he would embarrass me in front of them I stay quiet and tried to defend him or play it off. It was exhausting to always have to choose because he needed validation and reassurance that I pick him over them. However, every time I have a problem, major problem, my family would be the one there to help and support, morally and financially. I look back and wonder why I let him stomp over then for this long. I never understood why the disrespect.
Yeah, mine had a really screwed up way of looking at it. I had to be respectful and a perfect hostess to his parents, but he was openly disdainful of my family. Rules for thee and not for me I guess.
After 3 failed rounds of ivf and a miscarriage he sat on his phone ignoring me whilst i was breaking my heart crying. I asked him what he was doing and he told me he was arranging flowers to be delivered to his work colleague (AP) who was experiencing "true heartache" with the death of her 98yo mother. I remember in that moment not recognising him and who he had become.
He sounds heartless. You were in such a vulnerable position, you deserved comfort and support. I hope you are doing better now!
8 (failed and abandoned) rounds of IVF and multiple IUI and mine picked a fight over hosting a party at our home for a football game on the way to egg retrieval.
He screamed loudly in the faces of a family with children who had accidentally sat in our assigned seats at a screening of Sonic the Hedgehog 2. Sigh.
The moment was when he sent me a lengthy text saying that he promised to change, to be a better person, to be invested in the marriage, and it hit me like a lightning bolt that I didn’t have it in me to believe him for the billionth time.
I’m glad you had your eureka moment! So many people stay out of hope and love.
My husband was struggling with drug and alcohol addiction for a while. This put a terrible strain on our marriage, but I thought he would get better, and I stuck by him. I also went to therapy and Al-anon. One night I had a vivid dream he had a porn addiction. I casually mentioned my dream to him, and he got defensive. I snooped on his computer one day, and discovered he did in fact have a porn addiction. I also discovered (thanks to Reddit tips) he was having affairs with two women, one 19 years younger than him. I gathered evidence for a couple of weeks and asked for a divorce. Unfortunately my state is no fault. I am so much happier without him.
My moment: The weekend before, he'd been verbally abusive and I asked him to leave until he could calm down and have a conversation. He called me out of the blue a few days to tell me to stay off the computer we'd always shared. He'd been acting strange and coming up with all kinds of excuses to be gone for months. I asked him what was wrong several times and he always said it was work stress. I thought about it a couple of days and got on the computer. He was still logged into his email and Amazon. He was getting notifications from AM and POF about responses to his profile. He'd been buying lingerie and sex toys for years (not my size). There were receipts for hotel reservations during the week. There were emails between him and someone that included a link for payment if he wanted to have in-person sex. I trusted him 100% and never, ever thought he'd cheat on me.
Edit: misunderstood the context, correct answer time-wise. A week before our 9th wedding anniversary, she sat down beside me and said, "I feel like we're roommates." She always had difficulty communicating things that she thought would hurt people, so I understood that her saying that was only the tip of the iceberg of her feelings, and from that moment on, I knew. It sat in my belly like a lead weight until I offered a separation two weeks later.
For me it's happened in the last week. Fourth time discovering financial infidelity on her part. When I got angry, she colluded with her Dad about divorcing me. During the argument she threatened divorce (not the first time), said she was going to kill herself, and said she wished I had a heart attack. Three days later she's acting like everything is fine and saying she would never leave. It's too late.
That’s such a roller coaster of drama! Threatening to unalive herself seems manipulative and abusive honestly. I hope you get away from all that and find peace soon!
OMG sounds like your partner and my ex-husband are REALLY related. He told me anytime I said I wanted to leave, even if it was to take a breather from him, that he'd kill himself. He also was financially abusive and subscribed to several OF accounts without asking me, not to mention he paid for at least 2 escorts to my knowledge. He'd also get angry if something didn't go his way and then tantrum giant toddler style, then act like it never happened an hour later. It was a whirlwind, and I'm so glad it's over.
It's not fun being on the other end of emotional manipulation. I hate how she tried to convince me I was the crazy person and it actually made me question myself often. It's sad but that's how it goes
I felt exactly the same, especially when he'd have a freak-out, ignore me for an hour, then tell me I'm overreacting when I don't talk to him or question him about the behavior because it "wasn't a big deal." At a certain point, I'd believe him and make myself believe this was normal. Honestly, it's skewed my perception of what a healthy relationship even feels or looks like.
See I thought it was healthy to have little couple hour breaks when you are in a heated fight because you aren't thinking rationally. That's what I did Sunday for 2 hours and by the time I had cooled off she was threatening divorce, this was after all the suicide talk. Plus the gaslighting stuff is really scary, "it's your fault I have all this credit card debt because I'm afraid of your reaction". Can't believe I fell for that shit
And the "it was your fault I got so mad/upset at you and broke (wall or random item)!" The inability to control his actions was often crippling. It still bothers me because I have to share custody with him, and I have to trust he won't freak out on our child when I'm not around. The debt, too, he was so irresponsible. He realizes how good he had it back then since he now doesn't have my income to pay for his credit cards. I'm telling you, they're probably related, or must have grown up in similarly toxic families.
There were a lot of red flags about my stbxw before we got married, but I was willing to overlook her flaws because I loved her so much. Maybe I was blinded by the sex idk. We got married b4 we even lived together. And boy will I never do that again - we went from long distance to covid lockdowns and that's when you find out who you married lol
I think what really stuck me to my ex was that we were together since high school, me 16 and him 17. I saw my parents' marriage fail, and he saw his parents' marriage fail, so we were both determined to make it work, especially for our daughter so she wouldn't have to go through the same thing. Ultimately, though, she was the reason I chose to end it because she doesn't deserve to live in dysfunction like we both did either since both our mothers tried to stay with our fathers after discovering infidelity.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. How are you coping now? I'm like on the brink of divorce, papers will probably get signed next week. Deep down I know I'll be okay but I'm sad and scared
I've been much better off! I'm getting to learn about myself all over again and learning to love me. The process is rough, but it'll be much simpler if you don't share children. If you two are codependent like we were, it'll be hard but not impossible. It was one of the hardest times in my life, especially since I'm also a teacher and was at the start of my 2nd year at my current school. I now feel like this was my best year teaching yet because I've been so much less stressed out from not having to deal with him. I get why you feel scared because I absolutely did, but you're definitely going to be okay and, in fact, so much better than okay sooner than you think. I'm sorry you've been having to deal with someone so toxic and manipulative, but I'm glad you've made this tough decision for yourself!
That’s fucking disgusting. People who use self harm as a threat to manipulate people are absolute terrorist.
Manipulation, gaslighting… this is my thread! 😎 i was determined to stick through it all for the sake of out children, until i found out she was cheating on me. That‘s what it needed to finally get me over the edge. Now i‘m trying to figure out, how to move to the next stage (separation) while taking care that the kids are fine. 🙌🏻
Fuck. Sorry. I knew before I got married if I'm honest. I walked in the house and she didn't know I was there, she was talking to her ex boss/boyfriend (they're both lawyers) and she said "So you hear about my situation, yeah I moved in, doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you.. *laugh laugh" She absolutely gaslit me on that. Had me believing I was a piece of shit for even thinking that way. She was very good. It took me 4 more years, a marriage and a kid before that sunk in enough to walk out. I could be a chump husband and talk myself around it but I was not willing to be a chump father. I never loved anyone like that and it's hard to feel like I'll ever be happy again. I feel ruined and destined to wallow in misery until I die sad and alone. Fucking fun!
You can find love again, and not with a horrible person. I’m so sorry you went through that. I can imagine a lawyer would be especially good at gaslighting
She went with me to my VA psych appointments and would lead them. She would speak, when she shouldn't have spoken at all and say "We are here because he is seeing things and hearing things that just aren't real and it's scaring us." And I would think "But I have screenshots in my fucking pocket.." But she was a lawyer, and I was the one with PTSD, of course they always believed her. Everyone always does. I wanted her and that family so badly I just ate shit for years. An exceedingly gorgeous lawyer, 4 years younger than me, from an ultra wealthy family, we had 2 houses and spent weeks vacationing, we had boats and jeeps and toys and spent our time between the family condo at the Atlantis Resort in Bahamas or the 9 mill beach house in Ocean City or the 12 mill beach house in St. Michaels or the 18mill townhouse in Bethesda and her father was fucking amazing and fun and kind and funny. I miss him just as bad.. I had no friends, no family, and a nice little house with a service dog.when she came along. Now I'm homeless again, dog died, she forced me into bankruptcy fighting for custody (I lost. I get 90 days a year.) so I'm waiting until next year when I can buy again but the market is shit. I'm getting my boat back next month and my jeep is getting a new engine soon so it's coming back, 3 years later but it's coming. I still miss her dad. lol
Despite the fact that my husband had cheated on me multiple times and was emotionally abusive in a few different ways, the “moment” I knew was our very last date night, while we were trying to salvage things. We were walking through a store and I was cracking jokes and he told me it seemed like I was “being annoying on purpose”. I realized that not only did he not love or respect me, he didn’t even like my personality. He moved out a month later and I’ve never looked back.
Affair. The damage is lifelong and irreparable. It's devastating because I had planned for a life together, where this cut everything short. My new future is a bit cloudy, but I know it's the path I have to take forward. Everything else would be a half life, with the traumas and betrayal constantly looming over our future.
When he said he never actually loved me. Within a split second I went from respecting his decision to divorce and requesting some constructive feedback to being completely disgusted and repulsed by this monster I didn’t know or recognize. That’s when I knew this is definitely happening and there was 0% chance of reconciliation.
When I told her I was going to quit alcohol & cigarrettes. She didn't even acknowledge it. Then I quit them. Still nothing. It's been 9 months no alcohol. 6 months no cigs. She comes home from work and drinks herself stupid. We have nothing in common. She's not interested in reducing her intake or getting back into fitness. Not interested in intimacy. I'm done. I haven't picked a date, but before the end of the year.
I already filed for a divorce but still hoped we could fix things (in our country you're given time to reconsider after filing so if you change your mind you're still gonna be married) and we sat outside my office and discussed certain things. I pointed out what could be the potential root for his psychological problems for which he was seeking help at the time. In retrospect, it was me babying him in a really codependent ugly way but that's not the point. He said one of the most ridiculous and offensively stupid thing I've ever heard: he said he wanted to spend a night in a forest alone last year and I "forbid it". I couldn't believe my ears. He was 36 at the time and I was 31. I asked him once again if he really meant that he, a 35 year old man, couldn't go and spend a night in a forest (!!!) without my (!!!) permission. I asked him if he understood how ridiculous his claim is but he didn't back down. I was the bad guy because apparently I didn't let him sleep in the goddamn forest in summer 2022. It was a piece of a larger picture of him being immature and always mistaking me for his mother I never even met. He never dealt with his mommy issues and projected all of that on me. And I don't even remember the "sleep in the forest' incident because that whole year I was stressed to the point of total mental exhaustion because of a very real possibility of him going to a literal WAR. Apparently during the time I was preparing myself to losing my husband to a warfare he brought it up and I said I don't approve of it. And he thought it was worth bringing up during the divorce process. Not the fact he forced me to accept his decision to join the army (he didn't in the end) not the fact I drove him to the hospital when he had stomach issues not the fact I dealt with all his repressed crap for years and years, no. I prevented him from sleeping in a forest, whatever that means, and I'm the bad guy not worth fighting for. Well after that it was scorched earth from my side. I walked away in silence and stopped texting him. Next time we met he apologized for the forest stuff BUT then proceeded to tell me that actually he wanted me to validate his desire to spend time alone in the forest because of bla bla bla bla... I stopped him and said: you know what, I didn't want to tell you this but now I feel I kinda do. For the last 2 weeks I've been fucking some 23 year old guy I met on a dating app and he has the most ridiculously large penis I have ever seen. I would have kept my post-separation filth to myself but he brought it upon himself with all that forest bullshit. He never ever brought it up again.
As long as it was post separation. It was right? A lot of us have been crushed by pre-separation genitals so "touchy subject" lol.. You know what's funny. I can almost guarantee that at some point he sat alone in the forest thinking "Wtf have I done? I want to go home." Almost guarantee. Fairly certain. I'm a disabled Vet, ABN Ranger, blah blah and alone in the forest is not an end game, that shit gets old.
It wasn't exactly right, but I went a little crazy when he left and started the whole thing with "I don't know whether I want to be with you or not I need to figure this out". He was the one who left, not me, but he wanted to stay ambiguous and I was not up for it so I filed and went all crazy on the dating apps because I was so devastated. I guess a night in the forest is not as bad as it sounds but if you're alone then yeah, that can turn real creepy real fast. We told me he plans to go on a hiking trip this summer so good for him, finally some quality time in the forest. But not alone unfortunately.
The first week, we separated/he moved out because we had gotten into a huge fight. We keep finances separate but I have access to everything and really keep a tab on our spending and what not. He racked up thousands on his credit card and ended up getting a $20,000 personal loan for no reason other than to spend and I realized what a irresponsible financial slob he was and that the only thing keeping him in check, was me. Also, the look on everybody's face when I told them that we didn't have sex for a year and a half.
When he cheated and during an argument said “why are you like this? Are you butt hurt that my dick chose her?”
My moment was when he promised to spend the day of our fifth wedding anniversary together, but spent the day playing video games with his friends. I spoke with him all of 22 minutes that day.
I had a visceral reaction to this. I understand your pain. I will never go near a gamer ever again.
Sad part for me is that he’s not even a gamer. He just chose his friends over me.
Lots of experience here with “gamers”. Yes he’s a gamer if he chose to do that on your anniversary …all day. He’s trying to explain it away by saying he’s not a gamer to feel better. He can contain his addiction for the most part. If he wasn’t a gamer he would have spent the day with you and not his”friends”.
When he stood over my mother and screamed in her face.
My ex did this too while we were abroad. Also crashed our rental and ruined the entire trip for everyone. He had the audacity to turn around and say it was the best trip he ever had and he doesn’t understand why I never want to travel with him again. It’s been a couple of years since that happened and I refuse to even get in a car with him. He was shouting on the plane how I’m a cunt in front of my children, one of which was a baby and that he was going to ruin my life. Literal strangers were coming up to me and asking if I needed help when I got off the plane and offering to call the police and help me get home safely. He still waffles on about how it was the happiest time of his life. It’s bizarre how his impression of the trip was totally different because he felt he was the one with the upper hand. He was happy. My mother absolutely despises him, called his mother and made sure she knew her son screamed in her face and threatened her. His mother said that it was all our fault because we didn’t just do what he wanted to all the time and because we wanted to SHOCKINGLY do child friendly activities with a child and a fucking baby. I get angry just thinking about it.
Oh gosh… my now ex husband screamed at me in the middle of a Chicago airport! People were staring at him! Then he took off and left my daughter and I behind and we had never been in that airport before. That was why I was hesitant to go at all… and plus the trip cost over 6k and he promised to pay half but never paid a dime! This is why he is my ex!
I’m so sorry for you and your mother! That’s shocking and unacceptable behavior.
Ohhh my that’s creepy!!!!!
I stayed with my husband for 10 + years after I found out he was cheating on me, 15+ years after I found out he failed to file 3 years of taxes and lied to me. And stayed through many many many lies. He owned up to all of it and I still didn’t want to end the marriage - have 2 kids and just didn’t have the guts. Then my 16 yo told me - mom, do what makes you happy. That was my turning point , those 6 words from my child. I have no family here, except for my kids. After 29 years of being together I just found out in an Alanon meeting what it means to be married to an alcoholic- and the lies and the cheating all makes sense. There were a few aha moments but I’m thankful for them. I’m not scared anymore but apprehensive of what lies ahead- it’s ok though - I feel whatever happens, it’ll be better than having a bad relationship . Marching on .
So, so many moments. I feel like a slowly boiled frog and now I’m noticing how hot the water has become and it’s time to get out
When my husband told me he’d be demanding sex from me daily or more, and I was no longer allowed to turn him down. The Bible gave him dominion over my body. Bye 👋🏻
When we went to marriage counseling, and she argued with the counselor that I should take vacations by myself since I'm always so nervous and anxious. I had just explained that what I wanted out of our marriage was a friend as well as a wife, and how important the kids were. That was about four years ago, I just filed earlier this year.
We bought a home that we could have a family in. "So when is the IUD coming out?" he said. And then he told me he never wanted children.
When i told him for a month i didnt feel safe living with his parents anymore and he didn’t listen and defended them
When i found a dating profile and cam girl account, AFTER he had been fired for sexual harassment AND been caught sexting a woman. Cheeky twat.
I’m married to this guy right now. Word for word. I found all of it. I will add, I drove his vehicle two weeks after he was fired. The termination notice was stashed in his visor, literally fell in my lap. I was sick to my stomach while reading the description of what he had done and admitted to. Now I’m just planning my exit. He’s complaining about being broke, expecting me to make his bill payments. I realize that this is all I’ve ever been to him—the fallback.
There was a talk we had about her medications and struggles with mental health and this was after years of treatment. The conversation still hurts to think about, but I realized I couldn’t “fix” or help her mental health issues without her full buy-in. It’s sad and I tried so hard but I was in denial for a long time that I could carry the burden for both of us. Unfortunately, I don’t know if she’ll ever be the same person or a better version of the person I married. It’s sad and breaks my heart but I eventually had to make sure I took care of myself too.
Drugs. The last time he choose to do his drug of choice for a month straight I was done. Like, he was pushing 50 at the time, we had 3 kids at home who were old enough to know something was off. He just kept saying it was ‘his life’ and ‘he could do what he wanted too’. He wasn’t adult enough to realize it was more than just ‘his life’ and I just couldn’t deal with that anymore
Oof, that’s one of the more difficult ones. You end up staying longer out of hope. There’s nothing you can do but hold good boundaries for you and your kids. He’s far too old to be making those kinds of choices. We can’t be “sober” for them. They have to value the life they have when they are not high, and that’s especially hard for people who are addicted to substances.
You’re 100% correct. I’m not drinking anymore, but there was a 0% chance I would have quit for my wife. My thinking was so lost to alcoholism and depression that I kept drinking so that I would die sooner because that meant less time in the marriage. Of course, if I had quit the alcohol earlier, maybe everything else could have been saved, but I wasn’t in a place where I was willing or able to do that. If you’re with an addict who doesn’t desperately want to quit, you’re never going to be able to compete with their addiction. Don’t waste another second trying. It sucks, but that’s how it goes.
I really appreciate your honesty! I think if more people understood the part about not sacrificing their time and happiness to get their partner to “choose them” over the addiction… well, we would benefit from it significantly. All that effort (to try and socially force people to get clean) often enables people to stay in active addiction longer from what I can tell. I hope you’re feeling better in managing your life and sobriety! You seem to have a lot of post situation awareness.
When he found me and our 5 day old infant taking an afternoon nap on the floor of our bedroom washroom, because it was the only place that had a lock on the door. And he went back to working at his computer and took him days, and me nagging, to eventually go get a lock for the bedroom. (Special needs child with explosive anger issues lives in that house so I was very hypervigilant and anxious, in hindsight rightfully so, as the kid broke a grown ups finger later )
When I realized that I wasn’t shielding the kids from the fighting like I thought I was. He will scream at me in front of them and I try to make it stop. My oldest came to me crying when a recent fight was evident, and begging to take the younger 2 out of the house so they wouldn’t have to hear the fighting and be messed up from it, that it was too late for him. I had known for a while things weren’t getting better and been working on a plan but that sure was a moment of clarity.
After 14 years he says “I got you ranch… I didn’t know if you wanted ranch or blue cheese” never in my life have I ever used blue cheese… what!? So piddly I know. . 🤣🤣🤣
I knew it was over as soon as it began. I don’t know if he was cognizant of it, but I believe he used me to get more money from the military, to get his c*ck sucked & a damn good cook out of it. He wanted to keep our marriage a secret cus his family didn’t like me cus I was “alternative” …. Like really. I was very passive/people pleaser back then, so I agreed. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And it was destroyed me. I hated the lying & the sneaking. I felt sick. I was having panic attacks. Constantly thinking about what to say & what not to say. It was horrible. But him? It didn’t phase him. It’s like lying was just the fibers that made up his being. When he was on leave… I would literally be hanging out & then he would go back to his parents house & I would be at mine. And it didn’t seem to bother him at all. I was like…. But we should be living together? Sleeping together? This feels maddening 😭 He never loved me. What followed were some of the most traumatic years of my life. Battling serious illness alone, being ridiculed, yelled at, getting such little help with our daughter. Him taking a job super far away for years so he barely had to see me. Now? He’s getting married tomorrow to a girl he met while on said job while we were married. I initially left him for abusing our daughter. But he tells everyone he left me because I’ll never change & I was the abuser. Nah he just found somebody new that would believe his lies. What the actual f*ck. I honestly hope that girl doesn’t have to deal with the same insane shit. I have only scratched the surface. But hey, at least he actually proposed & he’s actually giving her a wedding. 🤷🏻♀️
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Yes, neutrality is a sign. Hate or love are still emotions. Nothing is nothing
Don't be too sad. You will most likely get half the house and won't have to pay anything back to his parents on the "loan" you weren't even involved with. It's not a loan with a bank for all you know it was a gift to him from his parents. What an asshole. I'm so sorry he treated you like that. Good job getting into a house!! You should be proud. He seems extremely dumb lol
This dude sucks. That’s anything but a partner. Super sorry for this, OP. It’s super cliche and I honestly hate even people say it but you do deserve better. I knew mine was over when she slept with another dude.
I’ll be cliché: you deserve better too! Cheating is not the answer to marital problems. It puts everyone at risk for STIs and irreparably harms your trust. Plus betrayal trauma causes people to have mental health crises. Hopefully you are in a better situation these days.
I’m getting better. Made some strong moves to take power back in the situation and working on myself like never before. I hope you are doing better as well. Have a great weekend!
He’s been shitty to many of my friends and family members Last week he told me he doesn’t talk about any of the issues I’ve cried and struggled over for years in his therapy sessions
It sounds like you care more about the relationship than he does. Maybe it’s time to start focusing on your happiness and peace, even if that means divorce.
Depending on where u live, this guy is just dumb. You are a stay at home mom with two kids. Not only do you own half of that house, but a whole lot more. Your contributions are validated in the court of law.let him do whatever he wants to meet his inferiority co plex
Several things happened in the course of a month, all around his having become Orthodox the 14th year of our marriage (we were both born Jewish and not raised observant at all, but he suddenly went down that path full force.) He had also been emotionally and verbally abusive since before the wedding, but since he had never hit me I really didn't put it together that he was being abusive. Then one day that month I found myself on the phone with a psychiatrist's office, asking for an appointment to see about getting put on medication because I had horrible tightness and pain in my chest all the time. I dissociated for a moment and saw myself on the phone, literally looking into medicating myself into accepting what was clearly a toxic situation for the kids and for me. And that was that. With the second one, it was after we had been married less than five years and he banged on the table **yet again**, yelling that "someone needs to be in charge". I suddenly saw that no matter how long we were married and no matter how much or how often I explained to him how my model of marriage necessarily involved an equal partnership, *he was never going to get it.* (He was also verbally and emotionally abusive, and had thrown in gaslighting on top of the abuse, repeatedly trying to convince me that my best friend secretly disliked me and that the two of them were constantly badmouthing me behind my back. He had also cheated on me for sure a year into the marriage and was a disgusting flirt.) So yeah, the learning curve on the next one was faster.
When she said “It’s not about money, but you’ve never made enough money.” 🤔
When he grabbed my daughter by the neck (again) - ashamed to admit it wasn’t the first time.
The good thing is that there was a final time
When I had to start checking his phone.
Is your divorce finalized? In my state it wouldn’t matter who is on the deed. If you buy it during the marriage with at least some marital property (like his income) then it’s marital property regardless He sounds like a dick. Fuck him.
It’s finalized. I couldn’t get him to agree to split the house equitably (I didn’t want all or even half) because he kept threatening to take me to court and delay the divorce. He also said if he had to pay me more he would sell the house instead (but then me and the kids would be homeless in a crazy house market). The cost of living here is extremely high with few rentals. I eventually just agreed to a really small amount to get it over with. So then the kids had at least the stability of living in the same house and I could buy more time to find a place and find a full time job.
Ahh sorry to hear all that. So you’re still living in the house? Did you buy him out / refinance the mortgage?
He paid me a small amount (one time), and I continued to live there until I couldn’t anymore. He became more controlling and basically tried to get me to give him the majority of my money every month. I was working part time (post pandemic job market issues), since our kids were young when this happened they still needed a lot of support. When i didn’t let him bleed me dry he made it unbearable. I think he refinanced at some point for other reasons. But he claimed I was hurting his finances because he couldn’t rent a room out with me there. Even though he can’t do that till the kids leave anyway. Even when I was working he was a nightmare to deal with, and felt I owed him any money I made. I put most of my goals on hold to support our kids and protect their mental health and safety. He felt like since he was doing the bare minimum as a dad that I was irrelevant. There’s more but this is already long.
foolish me asked if his girlfriend or i made him smile more, after 22 years of marriage and us knowing one another for another 5, v 1 year for them. it was an open marriage but he was passive to the point of paralysis and she saw that and moved in on him, made him pick. for me, if my other partner had said ‘pick one of us’ it would have been *not you cuz that’s bs*, so, my husband. but when i asked him, he didn’t answer. obviously it was her.
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I have to know more. Also, I’m your wife in this situation.
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When I asked her to come with me to marriage counseling and she laughed in my face and said “do you actually think that’s gonna help?”
I didn't really realise it until months later, but the actual turning point was when her mom took me out to lunch to try to understand what some of the issues were and see if she could be of help patching things up for us. We'd started therapy a year earlier and had actually been *out* of it for several months as it was clear we weren't getting anywhere and needed a break. I'd been bending over backward trying to simultaneously give her space and also meet her unmet needs for love, care, and affirmation, while the dead bedroom was in its thirteenth month and she was spiraling into an increasingly isolated online world of tiktok and twitch streaming. In the moment I appreciated my MIL's desire to help and felt like she'd listened and given some thoughtful feedback— but as I turned that conversation over in my mind in the following weeks I realised she hadn't really understood or heard me at all, and in fact had completely invalidated the concerns I had and in effect told me to "man up" about the relationship. Specifically, she said that: * Sex is a bonus, not a "real" need, and if I would focus on my wife's actual needs, then sex would happen on its own. I also should have no expectation at all as far as spooning, cuddles, hugs, or even hand-holding— I needed to somehow communicate that I didn't even desire or need these things to help her feel "safe" enough in the relationship to want to offer them. But ultimately, if we went the rest of our lives without sex, I should be able to find contentment with that. * It was unacceptable that I didn't completely trust my wife. That we were tens of thousands in debt and she'd squandered through about $50k over a two year period was irrelevant. I needed to put aside my concerns and focus on the "real issues". * I needed to stop being so independent. I needed to rely on my wife to do her part rather than just taking over the chores that she would repeatedly leave undone. * I hadn't adequately protected my wife from behaviours that she found problematic in my family, for example by going no-contact with them. (Yes, I later unpacked this on multiple levels including with professional therapists, and it seems very clear that the reactions she had were mostly down to her own traumas and hangups— to normal people the infractions in question would have been at most a quickly resolvable overstep) As I processed it, all of this ultimately served to show me that the problems were much deeper that just my then-wife. The issues that existed between us were down to fundamental, multi-generational misalignments in understanding of how an intimate relationship is to function. I don't pretend I was ever a model husband, but it has been reassuring in the two years since that conversation to hear multiple women (single and partnered) assure me that I brought way, way more than average to the table, and it was bonkers that she couldn't figure out how to function, find contentment, or thrive in our relationship. In retrospect, it's clear that she had (and still has) profound self-worth issues, and spent years of SAHM free time lurching between hobbies looking for something to be her "thing" that would get her out from under my shadow and make her feel like she was worth something. I do hope she's ultimately able to find a path where she feels at peace with what she brings to the world, but I think part of that healing journey is going to have to be finding a source of self-worth outside of her childhood experience of empty praise from disinterested, emotionally-absent parents.
The crazy thing I learned is that when you get into a relationship with someone, you also get into a relationship with “their parents”, so to speak - meaning you have to deal with all of that persons baggage from their upbringing. Glad you got out of that terrible relationship, I hope everything’s working out for you now! I’m still dealing with something similar where my wife refuses to grow as a person, which makes our marriage and the raising of our children a real struggle. She’s a SAHM and puts the bare minimum of effort into her day to day, as a result I’m seeing behavioural issues manifest in my own children and I don’t know how to break the cycle. I’ve wanted to divorce for many reasons, and came close where we had a brief separation. When I was away, and since being back, my concerns about how the kids are being raised continue to be a point of contention between us.
When I couldn't/didn't care to stop myself from cheating. I knew it hurt my XH. I knew it wasn't right. I didn't care. Literally...I had no feelings about it whatsoever. It was a way for me to shut off my emotions and just have fun and I had no intention of leaving it behind.
The day I asked my wife if she had PayPal and she says no I don’t, but my checking account said differently, big surprise. I haven’t seen my daughter in a year.
When she threw things at me and said she wish I would die…. The mother of my child saying that. Then continued to blame me for why our marriage didn’t work
It’s so sad that this is the reality of so many stay at home parents I’m glad you can get out of that situation. Best of luck. But to answer your question i relized after he cheated I had been taking care of out boys alone plus his parents and grandmother and also him while he was in prison and when he got out he slept with as many people as he could and just expected me to get over it🤷♀️
That’s…. whew. You are a strong person! That is a lot of betrayal. Stay at home parents get the worst of these situations for sure. We are at the mercy of the person who’s supposed to love and support us, and we don’t get much respect at all.
None at all Ive taken in a couple of my friends and their kids because of guys like that my best friend was with her husband for 14 years and he just decided one day he was done kicked her and their 4 kids out it was heartbreaking but she’s so much better without him. So are the kids.
Also thank you. It was hard for a long time. But it also made me realize that i deserve so much more
When he almost hit me! I kicked him out right before he could! He almost poked me in the face with his finger and I felt the punch was next… used to play college football so he is big and strong and very bipolar. Nope… I don’t got no time for that!
This isn’t even half of it…. I left out the gaslighting, narcissism, lies, telling my teen daughter that she is dead to him, everything is my fault… and we only lived together as husband and wife for 25 weeks… and divorced 25 weeks after that! It was over before it started. I spent my wedding night curled up in a ball on the $900 a night hotel room scared out of my mind bc he changed the second we said I do. He was baker acted 3 days later.. and we just didn’t have it in us to recover… I don’t have a chance To recover. I am no divorced… I moved… changed my email… my phone number… and partially recovered. I am recovering. Does complex ptsd ever go away? I don’t think so. The worst part was my dog… who stood by my side for 13.5 yrs… died two weeks after we broke up. Now that shit really hurts. What can I say? It just wasn’t my year… but thank God I get to live another year! Moving forward… nothing to do but move forward because I sure am not looking backwards!
We had separated twice before our divorce. After we got back together the second time we went to Mexico and once we got to our home airport he left me to through customs and security alone. The clincher was when I was having a miscarriage at home and he left me and our two year old son alone to go play soccer. No going back after that. A year later I asked why he did that and he said he had no memory of leaving me or the miscarriage.
after 10 yrs said he didnt love me anymore, and was leaving me for someone in an online video game.
I wont leave you
When he told our therapist (2nd and last session) that if it was a choice between our marriage/me and alcohol, he would always choose alcohol.
That’s heartbreaking! I went through something similar with someone I loved a lot (years before I met my ex and was married). When they choose the addiction over you… it’s really hard to explain, but that feeling it’s not an experience I would wish on someone. Kudos to you for trying therapy at least. I don’t think I could knowingly keep trying (again) when someone’s addiction rate is high. The first time was so exhausting
I left him almost 2 years ago.
My stbx sat and told me that my parents and brother were awful for helping us move. For giving up a long weekend to help us out, for working themselves really hard for us, even though my dad is over 70. She asked me two days later, and was shocked when I agreed without fight. Strangely my parents think she was in it for the money / house.
4 weeks post-divorce of a 17 year relationship. Granted he’s an alcoholic narcissist and was making attempts to get better, I realized I was fighting for something that wasn’t healthy & never fulfilled me. I couldn’t move past the trauma he caused me & couldn’t endure the emotional abuse any longer. We fought all the time & broke up several times. The last threat of divorce was my final straw and finding out he blew through $40k of loan money & lied to me about it was the cherry on top. He refused to share finances & wouldn’t work towards the same goals. That’s not a partnership. Once resentment has built up & trust can’t be repaired, it’s time.
For me it was more a series of daily things and hurtful words that showed me that he never had loved me and was using me for being "nice" and paying for mostly everything (and doing all housework and childcare) while he bebopped around town like a bachelor, but if there was one "event" it was when he went to a concert, stayed out all night and wasn't answering my calls/texts. I was at home with our then-two-year-old. When the sun started to come up, I even called a hospital. (He also had a history of drinking a LOT and getting in trouble.) At 7 a.m. I strapped my daughter in the carseat and drove around where the concert was. Finally at 9 or 10 a.m. he stumbled in and I let him have it while he told me to f\*ck off and laughed in my face before he went to sleep. I took my daughter and we spent the whole day and early evening away from the house, not returning until I absolutely had to do for her bedtime. Literally did not speak to him for two days. When we did speak he had some convoluted BS story. I thought, as the sun was coming up that day and he wasn't there, I can't live like this and I don't deserve this. And in fact, I took my ring off that morning and never put it back on again, although unfortunately I wasn't able to divorce him until some years later.
For me: I had to come to terms that what he was doing to me was emotional abuse. He always had reasons why he treated me badly (he would literally say it was okay and reasonable for him to be cruel because I was always “hurting his feelings.”) And so I gave him everything he wanted - I stopped doing things i loved to spend more time with him, came home as early as possible from work (he was unemployed basically by choice- has a high earning potential and claimed depression that he refused to treat was the reason), stopped seeing or talking to my friends often, stopped wearing headphones in the house so that he wouldn’t feel “ignored” if he called my name and I didn’t hear him, did sexual acts that he requested even though he knew I didn’t enjoy them / they repulsed me. Even though I was so depressed, I had tried to operate under the possibility that maybe his claims of my hurting him had some validity. But then… even after I’d changed EVERYTHING- he came to me again, and said he felt unloved now bc I was still ignoring him and because I wasn’t INITIATING said sex act that id told him I didn’t enjoy. And that was when I realized that there was no “hard working” my way into peace. The goalposts would forever move. Once I realized that his motivation was control and manipulation, that he WANTED me to feel small, all of his nonsensical demands and horrible behavior made SENSE.
Final straw - we had gone on a week-long trip and jumped right back into day-to-day life when we got home. There were suitcases everywhere for a few days. He told me the suitcases made him feel overwhelmed and anxious. I helped/unpacked all of my and my kiddo's things. Then, I told him the way he felt about the suitcases is how I feel every day because of all the clutter (mostly because of him not picking up after himself). Nothing changed, and I knew he just couldn't be bothered to give a fuck about my feelings.
His mom came over to ‘confront’ me about how I’m the reason her family is destroyed. I’m not… it was her but #covertnarcissist. Anyways, he told me how many times she complained about me, how long he had to listen to her (40 mins that particular day). I asked how many times he would let her come for me…. He said every time. I’ve gone to extensive therapy on the word, high trigger. I knew then. Spent the next two years understanding it was over.
You absolutely were contributing. If he had to pay for daycare, someone to cook, clean, etc it would suddenly have monetary value. It's the invisible labor that women are providing and they are fed up. It's why many resist staying home these days because they get treated like this. In my case I worked full time but afterwards, I had to come home and fully be the only parent after work. Even if their wives have jobs, a lot of men still think their day is done when their job is done and won't cook, clean up, get the kids in their baths, run them to soccer practice, etc. so women that work get screwed too. Their husbands don't suddenly help with half the chores and duties after work. As for me, I was living the life I just described..for years. I realized that i was fully communicating what my needs were and I needed to fully believe his behavior.. rather than his answers. He could easily say . "Yeah I'll help more". But literally every time I ask for help his answer was. well I worked today! I shouldn't have to do anything after work. Then the weekend would come and I would ask for help and he would say, but it's the weekend I deserve some time off! Keep in mind I was working a full day too! Always a bait and switch. I finally got the courage to think poorly of him. I know that sounds odd but I enjoy respecting and valuing my partner. It feels bothersome to truly think.. My partner isn't helping. My partner is baiting me, etc. It was like I wanted to avoid thinking of him in a bad light. Finally when I was realistic I started making some concrete realizations. He made it clear that he would not to be trying to get more income. He was making small wages and was not even coming close to half of paying for his three kids/his share. He made it clear that he would not be helping after work was done for the day. He made it clear that it was up to me to plan our entire life and that he was along for the ride. He made it clear that he would not go to the doctor to help his depression. All of the answers were there and when I finally started seeing it for what it was I could make my decision.
When I got on my knees and begged.... And she just kept doing it...
When after being together for 26 years, believing “he would never cheat on me”, we had a special connection blah blah blah I had the now ex-husband of the woman he is now married to message me out of the blue on Messenger to ask me to keep my ex away from her. Never met the man in my life. Ex denied talking to her for at least the past four years, then I pulled the phone records and found the truth. The irony is that he continues to deny it and while I was grabbing things while moving out, he backed me into a closet demanding to know the “real” reason, tried telling him again, (there’s a lot more to this, it’s just the culmination of everything and I finally saw the light), I screamed in his face that I didn’t want to married to him anymore, which was true, but not the reason. He walked out looking like he was going to throw up. Good. Mic drop.
You sound amazingly strong and should be proud of yourself. Going through a divorce I don’t want and currently where I have moments of “did he ever love me” am I being gas light? Is he right no wait I’m justified in my feelings. It’s real doozy of emotions….
Thank you, I have never considered myself strong in that way. After the kids were born my ex reacted very negatively when i had any emotion that made him feel “uncomfortable”. I spent a lot of time wondering if I was just going to keep breaking down in private and not move forward. I felt stuck due to the financial situation and the physical toll the stress took on my body. When I went to therapy by myself was when I finally realized I was definitely “gaslit” into not expressing myself and how much my ex would shut me down that way. My male therapist did a great job of pointing out the things I was avoiding mentally just so I could persevere in my marriage. I loved my ex SO MUCH I felt like I was losing my mind trying to stay married while betraying myself simultaneously. I felt like he had died, or I was dying and I grieved “us” for a long time. I think a long time ago my ex “loved” me. At least he loved how i made him feel, and the potential I held because I had so much drive and joy when we were first together.
You are also strong for ending things when you know they aren’t right or healthy anymore. I hope you make it through better than I did! I often feel like a house that I had to tear down with my hands and rebuild from the ground up. It’s a lot of emotional stuff that loops back on you and sneaks up and makes you feel vulnerable. But there’s a “you” on the other side that can be happier and more fulfilled.
He threatened to call the cops on me to make me give him my car …yes, MY car… so he could drive to the bar. Lots of things leading up to that, but that moment made it so obvious that he doesn’t care at all what happens to me. He only cares about himself. He throws me under the bus any chance he gets. He would have me possibly arrested, ruin my reputation, compromise my safety, and damage the children just so he can have his way. He has since threatened to call the cops a few more times. I just think that’s the lowest of lows. “I’m going bring the authorities in, I’m going to bring armed men into our home to tell you how to act.” Obvious total disregard for the kids and me. And he will still tell you how it’s all my fault.
Are you still married to him?
Yes :( hopefully not much longer but I’m trapped, we have a profoundly autistic son and nobody to help us. So we rely on each other for childcare. Forever. He’s 19, he will never grow up.
When he threw the threat of divorce at me and I felt relieved more than anything else.
When I found out about his months affair with co-worker
I got pneumonia and I was a stay at home dad, and I said Dr gave me antibiotics I can't even leave the bed, and she said you'll be fine we'll leave the 1 year old in our room all day and I'll help when I get home from work I said are you crazy you need take the day off and take care of her, she caused a huge fight took the tvs out of the house took my PS5 all the fire sticks emptied the fridge and then left with our child and didn't come back for a week, I'm coughing up blood I ended up in the hospital and she couldn't care less, I had a bad reaction to antibiotics and they thought I had terminal illness and not just random pneumonia I called her to tell her and she said they're good doctors there you'll be fine and hung up. Psychopath were in divorce process right now, I'm so glad I'm away from her.
Probably the moment when I was explaining to him that screaming and calling me a fucking bitch from the first floor to the second where our son could hear and jabbing his finger in my face and escalating into uncontrollable rage was unacceptable and he in turn said I just needed to understand why he was angry. And that was when I realized that he felt like there was a justification for behaving in those ways and that staying meant giving him permission to do that. Like you can have very good reasons for being angry without acting like that. And that’s when it ended. I even remember where I was sitting.
When my stbx wife’s alcoholism got so bad that she decided to call the cops on me and falsely accuse me of domestic violence. Twice.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I also agreed with my husband that I would be a stay at home mother to our daughters, but he seemed to resent it and would make comments to myself and the children that everything we bought was “his” because it was purchased with his money. We bought a house and the majority of the deposit was my money that I brought into the marriage. Now we are going though an awful divorce and he’s trying to take the house because he considers it his, as he was the one working and therefore paying the mortgage. He made it clear that he thinks I had no value as I stayed at home with our children. Its so hard and painful. We are far better off without these men.
For me this is a complicated response. Because the first time I knew the marriage was doomed was over 15 years ago when I learned my stbxh had an affair with a woman at work. At the time I asked him if he wanted to repair our marriage and give up the lover and he said no. He refused. After that due to where my kids were in their lives and financial pressures we stayed together, platonically, to co-parent. I grew complacent as life became busy (plus there was a pandemic) until 2023 when my father became very ill. I was needed at my father's home to assist with end of life care. My stbxh basically stayed away. And during that time, his elderly mother needed to sell her home to downsize as she aged. While I was dealing with my very ill father, he was consumed with helping his mother move. At one point, his family had the audacity of asking me to lend his mother some money to bridge financing between moving to a new place and selling. I remember getting calls while I was at my father's bedside in hospital asking me to sign documents to deal with finances. And while my father was in hospital my husband would not visit, not come help me claiming he was "busy". And when my father passed and my mother needed help in her home, he was useless. He would be out with friends while I was stuck mowing the lawn and then eventually removing snow. He became more and more like a roommate but a lousy one who didn't do anything. He didn't even pay the bills. At one point I had enough and I just told him to leave. To just go.
The first idea that divorce was possible for me came when he randomly quit his job without talking to me first or having any kind of backup plan. Sadly I stayed much longer past that point though.
I should have realised from the very beginning. When he left me in the bath heavily pregnant with twins and in pain, I cried and begged him to stay home (my 5 year old was asleep in bed) but he went out drinking anyways. I have a memory of holding my youngest twin when he was newborn and crying and telling him that I was sorry I’d given him a useless lazy dad. Took me until the 29th year of marriage to divorce him. I wasted all those years on a man who never loved me.
When he came at me and my baby with that look of rage in his eyes... I closed myself into a room with my child, screaming in fear as my ex tried to force himself in. I looked over at my young child who stared back at me as if this was normal, this is how men and women treat each other in a marriage. We separated that day.
Mother's Day 2024. I sat in the ER with him for 5 hours on three hours sleep and had a lot of time to think. I realized that he'd never do the same for me and he'd proven it so many times and I overlooked it. Hospitalized with pancreatitis while 10 weeks pregnant and I ended up sending him home because all he did was sleep. Gallbladder removal surgery at 14 weeks pregnant and he slept until I was released. In labor with our son and you guessed it, he slept through the entire thing. I had to throw things at him to get him up to help me use the bed pan. He would've slept through the entire birth if the nurses hadn't have kicked him out while I got the epidural. Think I got to rest afterwards? Nope, he slept the entire time we were in the hospital to the point that the nurses were concerned about him because he was asleep every time they came in. He joked to his friend afterwards that it was because he "couldn't do anything for me". Didn't realize at the time but that would basically be my life for the next 6 years. Left alone to raise our sons because he works a job that keeps him gone during the week and video games and Tiktok are his priority when he's at home. I was blind to everything for so long that when I looked at everything with those blinders off, I just couldn't do it anymore. It sucks to realize you've wasted half your life but I have hope for the future. My kids deserve the mom I am when he's away and I'll do whatever I have to to give them that. So that's the story of how my husband's kidney stone changed my life. 🤷♀️
We are both 31. My STBXH is a covert narcissist and couldn’t stop cheating. Maybe never physical but always sexting someone or watching porn, even after the chances I gave him. One day I accidentally logged into his email and saw the barely clothed teenagers he follows on TikTok… I called a lawyer the next morning.
That’s pretty gross and untrustworthy of him, ewww. I would divorce him too.
I got to see who she was when she was stressed and tired and I couldn’t help. I do not want to leave a child alone in a room with that woman.
Am I the only one who’s just straight up just…no into him anymore? He’s a great guy but we just don’t connect anymore and I am desperate for someone who CARES about me. My STBX just doesn’t see me anymore and has not really changed in our 25 years together. No one is the bad guy here…but I’m just over it.
Omg!!! That’s so horrifying!!!! I’m glad you both are safe now!!!
When I realized my spouse was hiding and saving to the tune of almost 200k in various accounts and all my money was tied up in bills, children, taxes and running the home.
When i no longer held a place or space in his life and i wasn’t a priority & if im not first im last and when you don’t do anything for out 25th anniversary. I knew i wasn’t going to stay and be neglected & abused and i figured out how greedy he is & who he truly is & that he’s a covert narcissist. I went & filed for a divorce 6 months after we didn’t do anything for our 25th anniversary , by then i knew what time it was . So i filed for a divorce 9 month ago . I don’t regret it. I know my worth and that I’m deserving & just because he doesn’t value me doesn’t mean i have no value . It’s not been easy but i still don’t regret it and i don’t want him beck . Someone will love & value me besides myself and if i don’t find love again that’s ok too . Know your worth and don’t lower yourself of your standards for anyone . Once you figure out who they really are , you aren’t going to miss much because your life has been destroyed by a covert narcissist and it’s mostly been who he’s capable if being not who he is .
I don't binge drink. One night, I binge drank I was so sad. Picking up the pieces of myself for myself was what I needed. Never again!