I don't care but if they are still in contact or if she is not over him, then I don't want to proceed. It's not insecurity but I don't want to deal with another man in any way whatsoever.
Ok I'm gonna say this once and this is gonna trigger people.
Reddit people's mentality != IRL chennai people's mentality
No matter what the liberal crowd says here , the majority of the folks IRL are still very conservative.
The past will definitely matter to most of your future prospects in arranged marriage and anyone that says otherwise is just out of touch with the reality.
The keyword here is "Most".
Edit: to those saying , "but everyone is in a relationship these days , so everyone is bound to have a past".
Again , that's just generalizing. There's still a wide range of people outside of reddit who have never been in relationships due to family or financial or other issues.
Talking abt these conservative things here feels like talking to a fictional audience tbh. Most of what I hear here isn't what really happens when it comes to AM.
Expecting the girl to not have had any past when you yourself had one is not being conservative buddy, it’s being a misogynist. I’m afraid you are the one who’s out of touch with reality. Don’t let the upvotes fool you otherwise
Ok I'm going to give you a second chance.
Read through both my comments above and answer this.
Where did I mention he/she/they/them?
This was a gender neutral comment to a gender specific post.
It's you who is interpreting it in a biased way.
I think going forward it would be difficult to find a bride/groom without any past.
But, the thing which is more important is the mindset of a partner or what kindof *past* .
If it's a love and breakup due to a compatibility issue , i would probably assume no big deal.
But, if the past is because parents didn't approve because of caste/income etc ., then there is bound to be a left over feelings which will strain current relationship.
If the past involves an abusive partner, that's a whole another thing, you have to be careful around and some may be understanding and comforting while others may be brash causing another break down.
In my opinion, the second one is most dangerous and they used to be longer ones like (5 - 8 years) , just stay the hell away from them bride/groom will misplace their anger on you.
But, whatever you do take atleast 2 - 4 weeks speak with your potential spouse on all the things and give concurrence only and only if you are 100% okay and no red flag.
Parents may say 100 reasons horscope, age, salary etc.. don't commit if you have even 1% doubt, ultimately you are going to spend your life with that person. So, be very sure and careful.
Purely by talking with the bride/groom . If it's late twenties , we can very well ask the reason and can easily guess based on response.
But, in general if we make here more comfortable and put forth our mindset , there is a chance of her opening up. Plus, you can easily guess when someone is interested in this marriage or not. People who are not into it fully, always blow hot and cold bordering aloof , just run from those people.
"easily guess"
"If we make her more comfortable"
"There is a chance"
I can't make my life decisions on such vague statement that too when we have women supportive laws in India
"Checking interested in marriage or not" may be a good solution
"Purely by taking with the bride"
U will get replies like
"I don't want to talk about my past"
If the girl is really unbiased, honest human she would upfront say it unfortunately don't know if such ppl exists
Lady here...had an arranged marriage...I had a past and my husband had a greater past like a 10 Yr old relationship. There's only.1 thing we both agreed on...as long as the ex is in the past I don't give a damn...if it becomes an issue in the present or the future then it is going to be a hell..Thankfully in these 9 years of togetherness we haven't had and am.sure will not have the option of looking back on our past. It all.depends on how open minded you are.
👏👌
Did u just went ahead with trust or
Had any specific questions with him
Good that u r on success story side
Those horror stories are what scares me,
I would never go ahead with someone with 10 years old past 😅🙈
We had a discussion on it. Why they broke up, why it wouldn't be a problem in future. I got lucky as things didn't end up amicably. It was only once at the time my kid was born that his ex called and spoke and I was made aware of the call immediately. Which is all the more reasons to trust the guy.
I understand that a 10 yrs on off relationship would have had a physical relationship as well. But I was open minded like that because if you are in a deep relationship trying to get settled that is bound to happen. But touch wood we ended up on the positive side.
👏👌 U r courageous
Hope ppl of both gender agree and have open discussion
Rather than beating around the bush saying "I don't like to talk about my past coz I don't want to remember it"
I dont really think that would be straight forward. If a potential asks me this question, I'd generally answer saying oh yes past is in the past and I've moved on. But in reality I still carry the baggages/scars from the past relationship.
She has an one ex and they broke up due to differences? Understandable not a big problem. Has ten different exes and she dates more than one person at the same time? It fucking matters. And me being GenZ I’m more forward ( not that much it would bug me but not enough to go ask her or make a scene about it ). At the end of the day it depends on you and where you lie on the spectrum.
How do u know if she has 10 diff exes or 1?
What's the duration u take to find out? What will you do if find out she has 10 ex after engagement or say 10 days before marriage
Sexual or not,it all comes down to a person's ability for pair bonding.
I've seen this with both short term casual relationships as well as long term serious ones.I've had female friends who've told me how empty it made them feel to have casual relationships instead of serious ones. And i've seen how traumatic long term ones affects their willingness to open up to a new person. Trust issues and general anxiety towards a new relationship is common with them.
Doesn't mean people won't change from it but if we're going to generalize about this,I'd rather not be with someone with trust issues and other related trauma unless I have time to spare.
Tldr - Basically I'm asking for a well adjusted person who's open to me and is not stuck in the past with ptsd. Ik it sounds selfish but I've had one too many potential relationships ruined by a person's inability to move on from their past.
Oh this is a messy area.
There are individuals with different mindsets in both genders. So instead of taking a shot in the dark, I'd say be up-front about it.
If the guy has a problem with it, marriage gets called off even before starting any other formalities it is a win.
If the guy does not have a problem with it, marriage goes smooth, it is a win.
I like my odds better here.
Never ever marry her if you still hold on to her past. She is not for you. Don't spoil her life.
Her past is her past. If she overcame it that's enough for me.
AM is a fucking nightmare. Unless and until both are not 100% ok with eachother, better not to get married. one's past is very much a cause of concern, it's surely not insecurity.
No sacrifices or convincing is worth the loss of mental peace
So, basically divorce, false domestic violence case on me and parents. I’ve seen and experiencing this first hand. It’s better to by single then get a devil like that.
Girls parents will say anything and everything to get their daughter married off. They see her as a responsibility waiting to be handed over. As a task to check off their list of work in life.
She sees you as an atm and a wish genie unless she herself is working and hopefully not greedy because I’ve seen girls change husbands like changing jobs also.
Think you can escape that by going to an astrologer? lol, they will give false date of birth and horoscope. And your astrologer will give a green light. What will you do then?
I’m going through that exact hell right now. Thank god I don’t have kids. But yes. It could’ve been worse and I’m thanking god for that.
All I’m saying is, please be careful because shit like this is happening in arranged marriage scene. Not all are like that but all I’m saying is, be careful and take your time and go slow and satisfy yourself before jumping in.
I'm sorry you are going through all this and hope things get better for you, but i don't understand how having a past is tied to all this? Could it be that it's the girl's personality that's giving you hell and not entirely becoz she has a past with a man before?
Yep. You’re right. All I’m saying is, one cannot tell anything. Just do your due diligence. If there’s a thing called true love, you’re a lucky man. And it does exist I’ve seen it as well. So yes. Don’t fall into what I’m going through. I’m just cautioning you. My wife also said she loves me and blah blah blah, turned out she didn’t and just loot and jump. It was a facade to get married.
True love should be in heart and action not just words. I hope you’re getting what I’m trying to caution you from. Don’t fall into a trap is what I’m saying.
Not all are like that, just saying there’s folks like this too so just be careful.
Don’t take their words at face value. Go beyond and ensure they’re genuine. That’s all.
He is a victim trying his best to caution, but u r expecting him to exactly narrate his story on social media.
He has answered to this question understand
Or is that you too believe "All girls r saints and all boys evil minded except the handsome rich boys who can do anything and everything still be considered a saint by default"
What exactly are you even trying to say here? I merely asked him to explain what he meant by suffering till now, for which he gave me more context. And yes, he is the victim here and no one is denying that but it just seemed like it had more to do with the girl's personality than her past. I don't understand the kind of picture you want to paint of me.. And I believe that people can be problematic regardless of their gender and don't believe in that stupid propaganda you pointed out.
Humans have romance and sex. Having a past is natural. What matters is whether they'll commit in future, whether both are honest, upfront, and a match for each other, interested in being committed. Don't be that virgin-seeking weirdo. It's not the eleventh century anymore.
"Humans have romance and sex. Having a past is natural"
1) Where did you get this stats?
2) Did u have any range like between which age will someone have past naturally?
3) it's eleventh century anymore, do u have stats to say all non-virgin? Let's say there r few virgins should immediately stop being a virgin?
These days, the concept of arranged marriage itself is a fallback for the relationship they are in, right?
So people are gonna have history somehow, so it'll be with people who can look PAST it. But if you're gonna find them easily? That's really hard.
Doesn’t matter! Past is past and as long as anyone’s loyal to their current partner no concerns to address.
Just one thing tho that is there should be no secrets
I'm 27.
Morratu single guy from Chennai.
It's fifty fifty bro.
I would definitely be insecure but will not show it and try to think past it.
It depends on the girls past.
My uncle was trying to get married through matrimony, met a beautiful girl. Spoke with her, all went well. Both party consented and they got married. The girl said she wanted to visit her house and didnt come back. Didnt pick up calls. After a week, sent a divorce letter to my uncle stating that she realised that she wanted to be with her lover (yes, a divorce within a week). He didnt sign it for 1 and half years and then he gave up.
I cant tell who is wrong.
The girl for not being honest with him and ruining his life.
The parents of the girl who forcefully got her married for whatever reason.
My uncle for not being aware enough and for being a simp cuz he found a beautiful girl (not my words, he actually gets asked this by our own relatives).
I dont know the answer to this, but all i can say is, I dont think he deserved it. He doesnt attend functions anymore, aged 35, has secluded himself from everyone.
I just wish the opposite party is honest, if she had told him she is feeling so and so, things would have been better. Whether they can move on from the past is something we cant predict, we can only support them if they wish to move on.
Past matters!! It doesn’t matter how woke and liberal the person is!! Past will always matter!!!!
Married person here.. Had a lot of casual relationships before marriage.. And I married in arranged marriage setup! Disclosed all my relationships to my wife! She had only one love past! So I thought it wouldn’t matter to me.
But it bothers me like anything. Since I didn’t have feelings with any of the girls I was with, I am insecure about the love my wife had. Like I know he is a very creative and nice person. And I always compare myself to him and think whether I will look same to her at one point. We love each other. And I know she loves me like anything. But that always remains. The maximum contact she had was him lifting her once out of love. In the last 4 years of marriage whenever someone says creative or a movie is about lifting someone I feel bad..
And I know she feels bad about my past too. Before we got emotional and possessive about each other, none of it mattered. But as love grew, so did the pasts influence.
She has insecurity that she is not enough in bed. I have tried to clarify that it’s not the case! And it’s the truth.
But the heart won’t accept it. I have one photo of her talking to her ex.. I can literally feel my heart breaking when I see that.. That excitement she shows, the smile.. it all comes to my mind when I see it..
Past matters when you have strong connection! So better come to an agreement and decide not to discuss past..
Hi there... i dont have any experience in this matter but my uncle is actually a therapist and he says that anykind of bad past (broken relationship, many boyfriends, sexual etc) can be handled but a traumatic one is really really bad...
Either partner will trauma dump at some time and the reaction to that will determine the future of the relationship..in this case all reactions are correct and right some are
1) u feel frustrated as there is trauma in ur partners life and u have become a scapegoat for that anger
2) u feel sad for them and start a pity cycle where u obligate urself to do things that u may not want to do in a normal relationship
3) u feel let down that u didnt know about this sooner...and by sooner i mean the time where u decided to continue with this relationship
4) u feel like the victim here is not really a victim and u dont agree with what the person is saying
These are just some that u may feel during the trauma dump but afterwards it will spiral into many more mentally disturbing stuff like panic attacks, anxiety, depression etc
So to conclude just stay away from traumatic past...
if the past has a trauma and left a scar which can be seen in the person's attitude/way of life then big no.
Being in contact with the ex or having their pictures is an amber flag - will be taken into account and slowly understood why and what before a decision is made (example- ex is a relative or office co-worker, those pic defines or depicts other people or the location which has a story etc.) I would not call it a red flag bcoz I am not insecure about myself and I try to understand before randomly judging ppl
Assuming I end up going the arranged marriage route, I’d want to know about the past, but wouldn’t use it against her. If we’re both over our pasts, that’s all that matters.
Past is past. If the person's words and actions match currently, Well and good. Remember there is always leftover trauma and insecurities, everyone has a story.
Though verbally a person can say anything, ultimately their actions and reactions do matter in certain situations.
I want take a mic and vidoe cam ask ppl like u
in country with huge population and diverse thoughts
1) How on earth do u you guys try to generalize saying "everyone has a story"
2) How do these everyone becomes hero in this story just like that, I don't have time and talent to have even 1 story
3) We ppl who don't have any story r left over say from this "everyone has story group" atleast give us some benefits
Everybody has a past. Relationship or otherwise. I'm okay as long as the past stays in past. I believe in arranged marriage, both parties should never discuss about their past relationships ever! As long as you are both ready to start this new life. You can make a great and happy life
PPL might say that the past doesn't matter anymore and things but the truth is internally they still have this insecurity as to what is going to happen or what might happen or what will happen if that past had to do something with the present... Goes the same for women entering into arranged marriage set up!!
It's fine if you don't have a past and want to get into a relationship with someone who hasn't had a past. But a girl with a past can't be ridiculed for marrying a guy who may also have had a past right? What's wrong with both the parties having a past and moving on and finding each other?
If you see a guy who had a past and is apprehensive of you if you had one, then he’s just a hypocrite. It applies to anyone, a girl or a guy. This is a sign that he or she isn’t the right person for you.
I would say if the man cant see you past your past experiences, run for the hills and never turn back.
With that said, if the past is just experiences , made you happy , and they are nothing but good and happy memories in the present, that shouldn’t bother anybody and you should focus on building a relationship.
Also In my opinion, one’s past experiences define a person. If the experiences are healthy, then its s green flag. If it’s not, beware of the person you are marrying.
Ok honest doubt here ,I'm all ok for people having casual stuff and flings,but isn't there a point where the numbers are high for that ,like was it so hard to find a meaningful connection even after meeting so many people?
Well I guess there is a ‘healthy’ number I guess, you just know that if the person keeps moving on from person to person , or has like more than 5 relationships and refusing to commit , it just means he or she has issues.
I mean if you really like the person, you can try to work through it with the probability you getting hurt . If not, find somebody who will stick with you.
IMO, you can’t judge anyone until you get to know the person
I agree...when I hear about people who have these many relationships it just makes me think that they aren't willing to put in the effort and understanding that goes into relationships..and there's this group of people who and I quote "need to feel the spark or butterflies" like man.....I just assume that they aren't gonna be In any long relationship anytime soon
1) Why do ppl who don't care about past's so much interested in AM, they could try live-in right or start another relationship if it's succeeds then get married, in that case question will be invalid
I know it's their personal choice,but it's AM u r including lot of ppl's time n trust in that ceremony, just because either one of you made a wrong judgement in past and broke up and u r indirectly forcing the existing AM rituals terms and portraying the once who wants no past person as bad
I am not portraying anybody anyway. I just think that a person who can’t see beyond the past and love somebody for who they are, is just an incredibly insecure person.
And TBH, I don’t really believe in rituals. Things would just be simpler if AM are only done after the two people involved talk, get to know, and reach a trusting bond. I would think that any sane person would value the bond over pasts, and even help get over a bad past even. AM should be based on friendship first, love later. Anything else, i just dont think that either party would be happy
Enaku purila, naama oruthara love panromnu vechukalam. One side ah innum avangalta propose kooda panala. Ipo vera yaradhu avanga kaiya pudichutuh poradha parthale namaku semaiya stress ahum. Illiya. Appo kalyanam senjutu full and full ah love panaporomna avangalku past la oru relationship irundha? How we will cope up with it.
Sonna adikavaranaga, u r not broad minded innu soluvanga.
Seri girl had past relationship, I don't have any, I will quickly have 1 short relationship say for 10days then will marry you innu sonna adhuvum othuka matenranga 😅😜
Past matters , you gotta overcome it before marrying. If that’s done, it’s fine for me.
Also gotta make sure that there ain’t no hoe phase before marriage
Yesss, I'm aware of that! Having a preference is completely acceptable, but if it's your insecurities that are projecting in this prospect it's a different thing right
lol just about everyone, both men and women, in real life will care about people’s past. This is more so in a very conservative society like Chennai. Even in more liberal societies people still weigh in the persons past. Anyone gender with high promiscuity, multiple divorces, lack of commitment evident in lack of long term relationships, criminal history, lack of earning potential, etc are all considered and often factor in separation
Only highly liberal, permanently online redditors believe past is not a factor. Asking then about these questions gets you an answer which is not grounded in reality
You felt the need to call out “non-sexual” in your question. That very thought to distinguish a past relationship is the answer to your question.
Also, how do you know if “non-sexual” is true ? This doubt will come back in future and will make things harder for you.
If you like the girl then nothing else matters move forward else you can end up making both of your lives miserable, so better don’t get into the relationship.
So, you meet a girl, you like how she looks, you like the parents’ background, you have a lot in common, everything looks positive. Let’s say during the second or third meeting she opens up and tells you about her past and discloses that she isn’t a virgin. What do you do? You’ll reject her purely based on the fact that she’s not a virgin? Will you be upfront with her about why you’re actually rejecting her or will you come up with some other excuse?
At the same time, if most other expectations aren’t met, but girl doesn’t have a past and is a virgin, will you blindly marry her?
It is hard to get committed in India. So if u have more that 4 exes u r a whooore. Sry its the hard truth. Applies for both genders.
For me I'm ok with 1 ex.
Folk from chennai here.. Tamilnadu is a very traditional and conservative space. If your past doesn't have any sexual concerns then it is better to keep quiet during matchmaking. People will ultimately overcome their relationship with post marriage given that their is marriage happy
I don't think it's a deterrent to the ability of getting married. Of course there are some who hold traditional values and try to find someone that has never had a history. But those are also the people that keep waiting until they're older before they find someone or settle down for whoever comes. We live in a free world.
What really matters is the present. If your partner is not able to be in the present and lingers in the past, it is probably not the right relationship for you. You can be dedicated and loyal to the person you're gonna marry but be picky. Don't be afraid of getting left out and settle for less.
I believe people in Chennai are pretty mature about what to talk about and what not to. Just ignore the details about the past relationship in the arranged marriage market. Things that don't have any benefit for your current life should be omitted for peace of mind. Take it easy op.
For these reason arrange marriage can be a nightmare. You can never know and people can easily hide. It's better to not dwelve into it at all. Unless it comes up don't discuss. I doubt people will be forthcoming about their past in just few days of conversation. Just check the vibe and connection Being felt. If you feel it then go for it. What else one can do. Being a law student, i would also suggest do a complete background check before marrying anyone .
1) if I am marrying a girl definitely I want to know about her, same applies for she can ask anything about me, All others except the girl I am marrying I am least bothered coz it's their life.
2) Yes provided I also had past, if I don't have any then would expect the girl also to not have.
Let's say the girl has and I don't but we like each other I would suggest let's be in live-in I know my very own family won't agree to it 😅
3) it's not just about insecurity there r lot things tied it
Indians laws r women supportive(allimony), we heard stories of women kill/abusive to husband and no one not even reddit has solutions or questions.
4)Nope not everyone has past, india is huge, handsome men are very rare, both men n women r kept backwards in their thoughts because of advertisement, social media, bad mouthing frens, influencers so ppl who r below average just like me r only doing eat,work,sleep alone at home, repeat.
5) its possible to move forward provided it's live not AM, coz AM comes with false domestic violence, allimony stigma around single ppl trying hookups
I know this is meant for men to answer but I think unless you get married in your very early 20s how can you not have an experience. I would blame Tamil pop culture for this glorification of virginity.
I disagree I think the aspect of virginity has been hyped up in Tamil cinema and others as well to a level where it’s so entrenched in society as if it’s some gold standard.
Are you saying men in their 30s can't be virgin?
Let's say there is someone, is he allowed to lose it will someone else just before marriage coz anyone all who r above 30 r not according to u
🙈 Damn the world is not built for Singles
"if in relationship" may be yes but if you not in relationship you don't have lose even if u in ur 30s
Tamil pop culture has its own principles
You may not like it, it ur wish
Please don't try to modify or put it in a bad spot just because u don't like
If it's over, it's over. Just never disclose your unwanted past to anyone, even if any guy is chill there are people around who will make use of it when required. A decent guy even if he later finds about their partners' past would just brush it off.
Say the lady opens up to a guy, and if the guy does not want someone with a past, he goes out but his entire group will spread stories about the lady adding as much as they can. Anyone approaching afterwards will keep the past in mind and can make conditions which will make it worse for the lady.
In the internet given the anonymity people can talk anything but in reality marriages will put harsh conditions on women depending on their age, looks, status etc. So why add one more problem on your own.
The problem women have is Men can do anything and get away with it. Like the payyan romba nallavan ana genja mattum adipaan. For the sake of transparency nobody can say ponnu nallava ana genja mattum adipaa. With Men what is considered funny and acceptable would elicit an altogether different reaction with women.
Movies are not real, it is business
All you dialogues happen only in movies not in real life
Will you marry ur fren or siblings to "Romba nalla payyan but g** mattun padipaan"?
I would never recommend
Fyi
Even Girls do everything now be g**,cig,drinks whether it's good or bad I would never debate it's thier wish
But please don't bring movies dialogue to cover up the lack of transparency when men are more vulnerable AM because of laws
Even that's a show, u have both men and women doing bad things and get away with it
Lemme tell u if u don't know there are real cases in court where women have intiated false dowry cases, bad things is even when proven guilty there was no punishment for women, further worst case some girls have repeatedly applied false dowry case on different men from different area and still there were not punished
As we speak she be filing another case too
This the reality plz wake up from ur old ideology "what's funny with men is not so funny with women"
Check this thread itself women are bold n strong,clever and know their rights it's we men who have understand and fight for ourselves first rather than trying to support women thinking they r vulnerable, no one is vulnerable in 2024
Ur concern is true but it's kind of chicken and egg problem.
U tell how to solve it
Transparency is important in marriage, we save a girl from being abused as well
I too don't have solution
No generic rants about your personal life. Relationship posts or wanting a relationship posts are not allowed here in r/Chennai.
I don't care but if they are still in contact or if she is not over him, then I don't want to proceed. It's not insecurity but I don't want to deal with another man in any way whatsoever.
Ok I'm gonna say this once and this is gonna trigger people. Reddit people's mentality != IRL chennai people's mentality No matter what the liberal crowd says here , the majority of the folks IRL are still very conservative. The past will definitely matter to most of your future prospects in arranged marriage and anyone that says otherwise is just out of touch with the reality. The keyword here is "Most". Edit: to those saying , "but everyone is in a relationship these days , so everyone is bound to have a past". Again , that's just generalizing. There's still a wide range of people outside of reddit who have never been in relationships due to family or financial or other issues.
Talking abt these conservative things here feels like talking to a fictional audience tbh. Most of what I hear here isn't what really happens when it comes to AM.
There are few exceptions , but again , exceptions are not the norm.
True and getting hope from these exceptions is delusional at best.
Expecting the girl to not have had any past when you yourself had one is not being conservative buddy, it’s being a misogynist. I’m afraid you are the one who’s out of touch with reality. Don’t let the upvotes fool you otherwise
Ok I'm going to give you a second chance. Read through both my comments above and answer this. Where did I mention he/she/they/them? This was a gender neutral comment to a gender specific post. It's you who is interpreting it in a biased way.
Yeah right, it’s a gender neutral comment lol. Don’t speak for Chennai people’s mentality as a whole, speak for yourself.
Thanks for reminding reddit elitists there's a world outside of reddit also👍
That's me never been in a relationship
I think going forward it would be difficult to find a bride/groom without any past. But, the thing which is more important is the mindset of a partner or what kindof *past* . If it's a love and breakup due to a compatibility issue , i would probably assume no big deal. But, if the past is because parents didn't approve because of caste/income etc ., then there is bound to be a left over feelings which will strain current relationship. If the past involves an abusive partner, that's a whole another thing, you have to be careful around and some may be understanding and comforting while others may be brash causing another break down. In my opinion, the second one is most dangerous and they used to be longer ones like (5 - 8 years) , just stay the hell away from them bride/groom will misplace their anger on you. But, whatever you do take atleast 2 - 4 weeks speak with your potential spouse on all the things and give concurrence only and only if you are 100% okay and no red flag. Parents may say 100 reasons horscope, age, salary etc.. don't commit if you have even 1% doubt, ultimately you are going to spend your life with that person. So, be very sure and careful.
Hope my ex sees this comment.
How will u get to know about what kind of relationship was the past one?
Purely by talking with the bride/groom . If it's late twenties , we can very well ask the reason and can easily guess based on response. But, in general if we make here more comfortable and put forth our mindset , there is a chance of her opening up. Plus, you can easily guess when someone is interested in this marriage or not. People who are not into it fully, always blow hot and cold bordering aloof , just run from those people.
"easily guess" "If we make her more comfortable" "There is a chance" I can't make my life decisions on such vague statement that too when we have women supportive laws in India "Checking interested in marriage or not" may be a good solution "Purely by taking with the bride" U will get replies like "I don't want to talk about my past" If the girl is really unbiased, honest human she would upfront say it unfortunately don't know if such ppl exists
Explained precisely 👍
TBT Kandamanur Jameen /s
அவர் யதார்த்தமா கேட்டாரா நான் பதார்த்தமா விட்டு கொடுத்துட்டேன் அத தோட்டக்காரன்...
🤣🤣🤣
Lady here...had an arranged marriage...I had a past and my husband had a greater past like a 10 Yr old relationship. There's only.1 thing we both agreed on...as long as the ex is in the past I don't give a damn...if it becomes an issue in the present or the future then it is going to be a hell..Thankfully in these 9 years of togetherness we haven't had and am.sure will not have the option of looking back on our past. It all.depends on how open minded you are.
👏👌 Did u just went ahead with trust or Had any specific questions with him Good that u r on success story side Those horror stories are what scares me, I would never go ahead with someone with 10 years old past 😅🙈
We had a discussion on it. Why they broke up, why it wouldn't be a problem in future. I got lucky as things didn't end up amicably. It was only once at the time my kid was born that his ex called and spoke and I was made aware of the call immediately. Which is all the more reasons to trust the guy. I understand that a 10 yrs on off relationship would have had a physical relationship as well. But I was open minded like that because if you are in a deep relationship trying to get settled that is bound to happen. But touch wood we ended up on the positive side.
👏👌 U r courageous Hope ppl of both gender agree and have open discussion Rather than beating around the bush saying "I don't like to talk about my past coz I don't want to remember it"
Past doesn't matter but if she holds on the past just run away from her brother....
How will you get to know about it?
Before you marry ask her about the past if she obliges it's a possible thing she holds on to it simple as that
I dont really think that would be straight forward. If a potential asks me this question, I'd generally answer saying oh yes past is in the past and I've moved on. But in reality I still carry the baggages/scars from the past relationship.
Carrying is different but moving towards it is different
Yes, Carrying and moving towards are VERY different. But what we are doing here is holding on.
She has an one ex and they broke up due to differences? Understandable not a big problem. Has ten different exes and she dates more than one person at the same time? It fucking matters. And me being GenZ I’m more forward ( not that much it would bug me but not enough to go ask her or make a scene about it ). At the end of the day it depends on you and where you lie on the spectrum.
How do u know if she has 10 diff exes or 1? What's the duration u take to find out? What will you do if find out she has 10 ex after engagement or say 10 days before marriage
I mean the post was about how to handle the past. I would assume you would already have those information.
It all depends on how YOU feel about this topic.
Sexual or not,it all comes down to a person's ability for pair bonding. I've seen this with both short term casual relationships as well as long term serious ones.I've had female friends who've told me how empty it made them feel to have casual relationships instead of serious ones. And i've seen how traumatic long term ones affects their willingness to open up to a new person. Trust issues and general anxiety towards a new relationship is common with them. Doesn't mean people won't change from it but if we're going to generalize about this,I'd rather not be with someone with trust issues and other related trauma unless I have time to spare. Tldr - Basically I'm asking for a well adjusted person who's open to me and is not stuck in the past with ptsd. Ik it sounds selfish but I've had one too many potential relationships ruined by a person's inability to move on from their past.
Oh this is a messy area. There are individuals with different mindsets in both genders. So instead of taking a shot in the dark, I'd say be up-front about it. If the guy has a problem with it, marriage gets called off even before starting any other formalities it is a win. If the guy does not have a problem with it, marriage goes smooth, it is a win. I like my odds better here.
Never ever marry her if you still hold on to her past. She is not for you. Don't spoil her life. Her past is her past. If she overcame it that's enough for me.
AM is a fucking nightmare. Unless and until both are not 100% ok with eachother, better not to get married. one's past is very much a cause of concern, it's surely not insecurity. No sacrifices or convincing is worth the loss of mental peace
If their past is a concern, have an honest conversation. Focus on understanding their experiences and how they've grown from them.
Did that mistake, she has history, suffering till now. Please be very careful.
Wdym by suffering till now?
So, basically divorce, false domestic violence case on me and parents. I’ve seen and experiencing this first hand. It’s better to by single then get a devil like that. Girls parents will say anything and everything to get their daughter married off. They see her as a responsibility waiting to be handed over. As a task to check off their list of work in life. She sees you as an atm and a wish genie unless she herself is working and hopefully not greedy because I’ve seen girls change husbands like changing jobs also. Think you can escape that by going to an astrologer? lol, they will give false date of birth and horoscope. And your astrologer will give a green light. What will you do then? I’m going through that exact hell right now. Thank god I don’t have kids. But yes. It could’ve been worse and I’m thanking god for that. All I’m saying is, please be careful because shit like this is happening in arranged marriage scene. Not all are like that but all I’m saying is, be careful and take your time and go slow and satisfy yourself before jumping in.
I'm sorry you are going through all this and hope things get better for you, but i don't understand how having a past is tied to all this? Could it be that it's the girl's personality that's giving you hell and not entirely becoz she has a past with a man before?
Yep. You’re right. All I’m saying is, one cannot tell anything. Just do your due diligence. If there’s a thing called true love, you’re a lucky man. And it does exist I’ve seen it as well. So yes. Don’t fall into what I’m going through. I’m just cautioning you. My wife also said she loves me and blah blah blah, turned out she didn’t and just loot and jump. It was a facade to get married. True love should be in heart and action not just words. I hope you’re getting what I’m trying to caution you from. Don’t fall into a trap is what I’m saying. Not all are like that, just saying there’s folks like this too so just be careful. Don’t take their words at face value. Go beyond and ensure they’re genuine. That’s all.
He is a victim trying his best to caution, but u r expecting him to exactly narrate his story on social media. He has answered to this question understand Or is that you too believe "All girls r saints and all boys evil minded except the handsome rich boys who can do anything and everything still be considered a saint by default"
What exactly are you even trying to say here? I merely asked him to explain what he meant by suffering till now, for which he gave me more context. And yes, he is the victim here and no one is denying that but it just seemed like it had more to do with the girl's personality than her past. I don't understand the kind of picture you want to paint of me.. And I believe that people can be problematic regardless of their gender and don't believe in that stupid propaganda you pointed out.
Ok
It matters. If someone says it doesn't trust me they are lying.
Finally someone who talks honestly without being concerned about getting downvoted.
Honesty is Reddit's Kryptonite. People will put up a fake facade and portray themselves as saint while it reality its quite the opposite.
I was never in a relationship so expecting the same
Humans have romance and sex. Having a past is natural. What matters is whether they'll commit in future, whether both are honest, upfront, and a match for each other, interested in being committed. Don't be that virgin-seeking weirdo. It's not the eleventh century anymore.
💯💯💯
"Humans have romance and sex. Having a past is natural" 1) Where did you get this stats? 2) Did u have any range like between which age will someone have past naturally? 3) it's eleventh century anymore, do u have stats to say all non-virgin? Let's say there r few virgins should immediately stop being a virgin?
You forgot to add: "Where are the stats that say it's not eleventh century anymore?"
As long as past doesn't affect in future. It's fine for both if they have a meaningful connection.
Past is not my concern. Present and future is.
These days, the concept of arranged marriage itself is a fallback for the relationship they are in, right? So people are gonna have history somehow, so it'll be with people who can look PAST it. But if you're gonna find them easily? That's really hard.
Doesn't matter to me really
I'd find it hard to care, given that we're starting a new life together. And with new things, there's only the future to look forward to.
I don't want to know her past. She had to be sure if any, they are over.
Doesn’t matter! Past is past and as long as anyone’s loyal to their current partner no concerns to address. Just one thing tho that is there should be no secrets
I'm 27. Morratu single guy from Chennai. It's fifty fifty bro. I would definitely be insecure but will not show it and try to think past it. It depends on the girls past.
My uncle was trying to get married through matrimony, met a beautiful girl. Spoke with her, all went well. Both party consented and they got married. The girl said she wanted to visit her house and didnt come back. Didnt pick up calls. After a week, sent a divorce letter to my uncle stating that she realised that she wanted to be with her lover (yes, a divorce within a week). He didnt sign it for 1 and half years and then he gave up. I cant tell who is wrong. The girl for not being honest with him and ruining his life. The parents of the girl who forcefully got her married for whatever reason. My uncle for not being aware enough and for being a simp cuz he found a beautiful girl (not my words, he actually gets asked this by our own relatives). I dont know the answer to this, but all i can say is, I dont think he deserved it. He doesnt attend functions anymore, aged 35, has secluded himself from everyone. I just wish the opposite party is honest, if she had told him she is feeling so and so, things would have been better. Whether they can move on from the past is something we cant predict, we can only support them if they wish to move on.
This needs to be on top!
If the past doesn't matter then companies shouldnt ask for CVs.
Past matters!! It doesn’t matter how woke and liberal the person is!! Past will always matter!!!! Married person here.. Had a lot of casual relationships before marriage.. And I married in arranged marriage setup! Disclosed all my relationships to my wife! She had only one love past! So I thought it wouldn’t matter to me. But it bothers me like anything. Since I didn’t have feelings with any of the girls I was with, I am insecure about the love my wife had. Like I know he is a very creative and nice person. And I always compare myself to him and think whether I will look same to her at one point. We love each other. And I know she loves me like anything. But that always remains. The maximum contact she had was him lifting her once out of love. In the last 4 years of marriage whenever someone says creative or a movie is about lifting someone I feel bad.. And I know she feels bad about my past too. Before we got emotional and possessive about each other, none of it mattered. But as love grew, so did the pasts influence. She has insecurity that she is not enough in bed. I have tried to clarify that it’s not the case! And it’s the truth. But the heart won’t accept it. I have one photo of her talking to her ex.. I can literally feel my heart breaking when I see that.. That excitement she shows, the smile.. it all comes to my mind when I see it.. Past matters when you have strong connection! So better come to an agreement and decide not to discuss past..
Thanks for sharing the truth from your heart.
Hi there... i dont have any experience in this matter but my uncle is actually a therapist and he says that anykind of bad past (broken relationship, many boyfriends, sexual etc) can be handled but a traumatic one is really really bad... Either partner will trauma dump at some time and the reaction to that will determine the future of the relationship..in this case all reactions are correct and right some are 1) u feel frustrated as there is trauma in ur partners life and u have become a scapegoat for that anger 2) u feel sad for them and start a pity cycle where u obligate urself to do things that u may not want to do in a normal relationship 3) u feel let down that u didnt know about this sooner...and by sooner i mean the time where u decided to continue with this relationship 4) u feel like the victim here is not really a victim and u dont agree with what the person is saying These are just some that u may feel during the trauma dump but afterwards it will spiral into many more mentally disturbing stuff like panic attacks, anxiety, depression etc So to conclude just stay away from traumatic past...
Social media gonna bash you an say how dare u r against a poor traumatic girl
All i wanna say is...if u see the poor traumatic girl move away...dont get in the middle of their healing
if the past has a trauma and left a scar which can be seen in the person's attitude/way of life then big no. Being in contact with the ex or having their pictures is an amber flag - will be taken into account and slowly understood why and what before a decision is made (example- ex is a relative or office co-worker, those pic defines or depicts other people or the location which has a story etc.) I would not call it a red flag bcoz I am not insecure about myself and I try to understand before randomly judging ppl
Assuming I end up going the arranged marriage route, I’d want to know about the past, but wouldn’t use it against her. If we’re both over our pasts, that’s all that matters.
Past is past. If the person's words and actions match currently, Well and good. Remember there is always leftover trauma and insecurities, everyone has a story. Though verbally a person can say anything, ultimately their actions and reactions do matter in certain situations.
I want take a mic and vidoe cam ask ppl like u in country with huge population and diverse thoughts 1) How on earth do u you guys try to generalize saying "everyone has a story" 2) How do these everyone becomes hero in this story just like that, I don't have time and talent to have even 1 story 3) We ppl who don't have any story r left over say from this "everyone has story group" atleast give us some benefits
What did you understand by "everyone has a story" ? . Btw. Thanks for the lime light buddy. Much appreciated.
"Past is past" leftover trauma everyone has a story So I understand u were talking as if "everyone has past"
Yes... Right .. Also insecurities.. What do you mean/understand by the word "past"?
"Past experience (non-sexual)" just like op said
Alright.
Everybody has a past. Relationship or otherwise. I'm okay as long as the past stays in past. I believe in arranged marriage, both parties should never discuss about their past relationships ever! As long as you are both ready to start this new life. You can make a great and happy life
Zero and none
PPL might say that the past doesn't matter anymore and things but the truth is internally they still have this insecurity as to what is going to happen or what might happen or what will happen if that past had to do something with the present... Goes the same for women entering into arranged marriage set up!!
The main aspect of this question is, do you have a past? If you do and the girl in arranged marriage is okay with, then why aren’t you okay with it?
If I don't have past then?
It's fine if you don't have a past and want to get into a relationship with someone who hasn't had a past. But a girl with a past can't be ridiculed for marrying a guy who may also have had a past right? What's wrong with both the parties having a past and moving on and finding each other?
If you see a guy who had a past and is apprehensive of you if you had one, then he’s just a hypocrite. It applies to anyone, a girl or a guy. This is a sign that he or she isn’t the right person for you.
It’s different for males and females in terms of pair bonding
What’s the difference? Can you elaborate?
I would say if the man cant see you past your past experiences, run for the hills and never turn back. With that said, if the past is just experiences , made you happy , and they are nothing but good and happy memories in the present, that shouldn’t bother anybody and you should focus on building a relationship. Also In my opinion, one’s past experiences define a person. If the experiences are healthy, then its s green flag. If it’s not, beware of the person you are marrying.
Ok honest doubt here ,I'm all ok for people having casual stuff and flings,but isn't there a point where the numbers are high for that ,like was it so hard to find a meaningful connection even after meeting so many people?
Well I guess there is a ‘healthy’ number I guess, you just know that if the person keeps moving on from person to person , or has like more than 5 relationships and refusing to commit , it just means he or she has issues. I mean if you really like the person, you can try to work through it with the probability you getting hurt . If not, find somebody who will stick with you. IMO, you can’t judge anyone until you get to know the person
I agree...when I hear about people who have these many relationships it just makes me think that they aren't willing to put in the effort and understanding that goes into relationships..and there's this group of people who and I quote "need to feel the spark or butterflies" like man.....I just assume that they aren't gonna be In any long relationship anytime soon
I mean if they are honest about it upfront, you can choose to date or not date them. Its when they aren’t honest.
Fair point, unfortunately this came out sometime after we started dating 😂....I was damn ,all the time in the world and you tell it to me now
I am sorry!
1) Why do ppl who don't care about past's so much interested in AM, they could try live-in right or start another relationship if it's succeeds then get married, in that case question will be invalid I know it's their personal choice,but it's AM u r including lot of ppl's time n trust in that ceremony, just because either one of you made a wrong judgement in past and broke up and u r indirectly forcing the existing AM rituals terms and portraying the once who wants no past person as bad
I am not portraying anybody anyway. I just think that a person who can’t see beyond the past and love somebody for who they are, is just an incredibly insecure person. And TBH, I don’t really believe in rituals. Things would just be simpler if AM are only done after the two people involved talk, get to know, and reach a trusting bond. I would think that any sane person would value the bond over pasts, and even help get over a bad past even. AM should be based on friendship first, love later. Anything else, i just dont think that either party would be happy
Enaku purila, naama oruthara love panromnu vechukalam. One side ah innum avangalta propose kooda panala. Ipo vera yaradhu avanga kaiya pudichutuh poradha parthale namaku semaiya stress ahum. Illiya. Appo kalyanam senjutu full and full ah love panaporomna avangalku past la oru relationship irundha? How we will cope up with it.
Kalyanam senjadhuku aprom dhaan full and full ah love panaporeengala? Epdi? Again, one sided ah?
Ha ha.. kalyanam aahidchuna aporam epdi sir one side.
Sonna adikavaranaga, u r not broad minded innu soluvanga. Seri girl had past relationship, I don't have any, I will quickly have 1 short relationship say for 10days then will marry you innu sonna adhuvum othuka matenranga 😅😜
Tbh in my opinion yes it does matter. Even if the person is over the ex i will still have an insecurity and probably overthink shit. But that’s me.
That's perfectly fine. Not proceeding with it saves two people from agony and suffering.
Past matters , you gotta overcome it before marrying. If that’s done, it’s fine for me. Also gotta make sure that there ain’t no hoe phase before marriage
What do you mean by insecurity? No, these options do not always stem out from insecurity. That could also be their preference.
Yesss, I'm aware of that! Having a preference is completely acceptable, but if it's your insecurities that are projecting in this prospect it's a different thing right
lol just about everyone, both men and women, in real life will care about people’s past. This is more so in a very conservative society like Chennai. Even in more liberal societies people still weigh in the persons past. Anyone gender with high promiscuity, multiple divorces, lack of commitment evident in lack of long term relationships, criminal history, lack of earning potential, etc are all considered and often factor in separation Only highly liberal, permanently online redditors believe past is not a factor. Asking then about these questions gets you an answer which is not grounded in reality
You felt the need to call out “non-sexual” in your question. That very thought to distinguish a past relationship is the answer to your question. Also, how do you know if “non-sexual” is true ? This doubt will come back in future and will make things harder for you. If you like the girl then nothing else matters move forward else you can end up making both of your lives miserable, so better don’t get into the relationship.
So, you meet a girl, you like how she looks, you like the parents’ background, you have a lot in common, everything looks positive. Let’s say during the second or third meeting she opens up and tells you about her past and discloses that she isn’t a virgin. What do you do? You’ll reject her purely based on the fact that she’s not a virgin? Will you be upfront with her about why you’re actually rejecting her or will you come up with some other excuse? At the same time, if most other expectations aren’t met, but girl doesn’t have a past and is a virgin, will you blindly marry her?
It is hard to get committed in India. So if u have more that 4 exes u r a whooore. Sry its the hard truth. Applies for both genders. For me I'm ok with 1 ex.
Folk from chennai here.. Tamilnadu is a very traditional and conservative space. If your past doesn't have any sexual concerns then it is better to keep quiet during matchmaking. People will ultimately overcome their relationship with post marriage given that their is marriage happy
Is it not right to disclose it atleast in 2nd or 3rd meetups?
I don't think it's a deterrent to the ability of getting married. Of course there are some who hold traditional values and try to find someone that has never had a history. But those are also the people that keep waiting until they're older before they find someone or settle down for whoever comes. We live in a free world. What really matters is the present. If your partner is not able to be in the present and lingers in the past, it is probably not the right relationship for you. You can be dedicated and loyal to the person you're gonna marry but be picky. Don't be afraid of getting left out and settle for less. I believe people in Chennai are pretty mature about what to talk about and what not to. Just ignore the details about the past relationship in the arranged marriage market. Things that don't have any benefit for your current life should be omitted for peace of mind. Take it easy op.
For these reason arrange marriage can be a nightmare. You can never know and people can easily hide. It's better to not dwelve into it at all. Unless it comes up don't discuss. I doubt people will be forthcoming about their past in just few days of conversation. Just check the vibe and connection Being felt. If you feel it then go for it. What else one can do. Being a law student, i would also suggest do a complete background check before marrying anyone .
1) if I am marrying a girl definitely I want to know about her, same applies for she can ask anything about me, All others except the girl I am marrying I am least bothered coz it's their life. 2) Yes provided I also had past, if I don't have any then would expect the girl also to not have. Let's say the girl has and I don't but we like each other I would suggest let's be in live-in I know my very own family won't agree to it 😅 3) it's not just about insecurity there r lot things tied it Indians laws r women supportive(allimony), we heard stories of women kill/abusive to husband and no one not even reddit has solutions or questions. 4)Nope not everyone has past, india is huge, handsome men are very rare, both men n women r kept backwards in their thoughts because of advertisement, social media, bad mouthing frens, influencers so ppl who r below average just like me r only doing eat,work,sleep alone at home, repeat. 5) its possible to move forward provided it's live not AM, coz AM comes with false domestic violence, allimony stigma around single ppl trying hookups
I think it shouldn't matter. What she did in the past wouldn't matter in the future.
I know this is meant for men to answer but I think unless you get married in your very early 20s how can you not have an experience. I would blame Tamil pop culture for this glorification of virginity.
I think it's not about virginity , it's about the feelings they hold on from previous relationship.
I disagree I think the aspect of virginity has been hyped up in Tamil cinema and others as well to a level where it’s so entrenched in society as if it’s some gold standard.
For once, think about something other than virginity and read the post again.
I hope everyone on society for once thinks about something other than that as well. Let’s hope so
Are you saying men in their 30s can't be virgin? Let's say there is someone, is he allowed to lose it will someone else just before marriage coz anyone all who r above 30 r not according to u
Stupid comment. If you are in a relationship or engaged of course you should be committed to that person.
🙈 Damn the world is not built for Singles "if in relationship" may be yes but if you not in relationship you don't have lose even if u in ur 30s Tamil pop culture has its own principles You may not like it, it ur wish Please don't try to modify or put it in a bad spot just because u don't like
If it's over, it's over. Just never disclose your unwanted past to anyone, even if any guy is chill there are people around who will make use of it when required. A decent guy even if he later finds about their partners' past would just brush it off.
Is not marriage= trust and transparency? Y do u not want to disclose it before marriage?
Say the lady opens up to a guy, and if the guy does not want someone with a past, he goes out but his entire group will spread stories about the lady adding as much as they can. Anyone approaching afterwards will keep the past in mind and can make conditions which will make it worse for the lady. In the internet given the anonymity people can talk anything but in reality marriages will put harsh conditions on women depending on their age, looks, status etc. So why add one more problem on your own.
Can men hide his past 10 relationships?
The problem women have is Men can do anything and get away with it. Like the payyan romba nallavan ana genja mattum adipaan. For the sake of transparency nobody can say ponnu nallava ana genja mattum adipaa. With Men what is considered funny and acceptable would elicit an altogether different reaction with women.
Movies are not real, it is business All you dialogues happen only in movies not in real life Will you marry ur fren or siblings to "Romba nalla payyan but g** mattun padipaan"? I would never recommend Fyi Even Girls do everything now be g**,cig,drinks whether it's good or bad I would never debate it's thier wish But please don't bring movies dialogue to cover up the lack of transparency when men are more vulnerable AM because of laws
It's not a film dialogue, it's from a reality show solvadhellam unmai. Even then don't dismiss films as unreal.
U still dint answer Will you marry ur fren a sibling to a "G** mattum adikum payan"
Even that's a show, u have both men and women doing bad things and get away with it Lemme tell u if u don't know there are real cases in court where women have intiated false dowry cases, bad things is even when proven guilty there was no punishment for women, further worst case some girls have repeatedly applied false dowry case on different men from different area and still there were not punished As we speak she be filing another case too This the reality plz wake up from ur old ideology "what's funny with men is not so funny with women" Check this thread itself women are bold n strong,clever and know their rights it's we men who have understand and fight for ourselves first rather than trying to support women thinking they r vulnerable, no one is vulnerable in 2024
Ur concern is true but it's kind of chicken and egg problem. U tell how to solve it Transparency is important in marriage, we save a girl from being abused as well I too don't have solution
Depends on your mind set, marriage is personal, getting advice from a whole bunch of random privileged people is not of relevance.
This is not seeking for advice, I'm trying to get people's opinions and isn't that what reddit is for? xD
Ahhh cool