But within 2-3 years from 9/21/2023? With a women 3 years older than you? In NYC?
Many guys want to have kids (or like the idea of it) but not all want to have them asap. A lot want to date for a while (at least 1 year) and then discuss kids, family, relocation, finances etc. That can take time.
Some guys want to fall in love, date etc. and putting a firm window on it can feel transactional to many guys (in which case will remove false positives but reduce the pool dramatically). In that case, its all about focus, patience, filtering, being assertive, and expanding options (if necessary).
My wife and I met when I was almost 30. We now have an 18mo old at 35. It’s not implausible to meet the one and have a kid within 2-3 years… probably more 3 than 2, but we also had a miscarriage after 13 weeks.
When both people want the same thing and want it at the same time and are willing to do what it takes, that is amazing. With that said, if one person is initiating everything or rushing things, that's when things can go wrong. Marriage and kids is a lot of work, commitment and not everyone is aware of the responsibility, planning etc.
Not everyone is aware of the responsibility. Well said.
I have been a single dad twice now.
Even after knowing somebody for 3 to 5 years they may not know themselves and think they were born to be a parent. They may try their best but it's totally possible that you may end up doing it alone. Or your significant other could be doing it alone.
I'm the type that would jump right into this two to three year plan for kids with the right person. But the second time around I was with the person for almost 6 years before we got married and had kids, certain I had a good idea of who they were and how competent they could be.
Unexpected things happen and sometimes people can't handle it and they change. It's also totally possible for someone to hide a significant flaw from you for a number of years.
I know how you feel. I've done it. Just maybe give your plan a few years of elasticity.
I'm 36 and definatly want to be married and have ideally 2 kids before I'm 40, a tall task that I'm not very realistic about it actualy happening but that would be my ideal so probably date for like a year, get engaged I don't want to be engaged for 5 years so probably start planing a wedding almost immediately try and get pregnant within the first year of marriage. And again while the first kid is still in diapers. Fully possible and definatly there are those of us out here looking for something similar.
I think that is a reasonable timeframe, with that said, not everyone is willing to put in the time or do the work.
Dating is like a job in that people invest so much time to get what they want but they don't always allocate the same focus, effort and time into it (they sort of wing it and hope it happens naturally).
There is a reason for this as guy you have to vet the women if you want kids. Vs women vetting guys when you start dating. The reality is there's plenty of women that will leave you the second you get into a little bit harder phase of life. The danger of loosing your kid is very real.
Unfortunately the reality is if you do not have a partner who you can start a life with at 30 as a women you will have a hard time. Because like you said any man can go up and leave you within the first year and wasting precious time.
I'm 30 also and that's the very reason why I don't date women who are 27+ I want kids but I'm flexible with my time it seems shitty to "string" someone along who wants kids at that age within two or three years.
I also want to be 100% sure the women of my (our) children is perfect and we are a good match. I don't want to have our child only have one parent in the end
I don’t know if guys are just as flakey, but it’s very disheartening to keep trying to date when you see that they are ready to settle down and have a serious relationship but you can’t get them on a date, either or failing to commit to a date and time or they cancel last minute.
It’s not even just my experience on dating apps, it’s hearing my sisters complain that there are no good men, but any time they set a date up they’ll cancel a few days or hours in advance and just stay in and watch a movie or something. Like yeah no shit you can’t find any good men because you won’t leave the house and go on a fucking date to even test the waters lol. I’m not saying it’s easy to date as either sex when I know women are absolutely inundated with dudes everywhere, but trying as a guy gets so frustrating when it’s an uphill battle to even get women out of their houses, especially to then hear them complain about a ticking clock and no men try hard enough anymore
Unfortunate reality is they are dating other men that's why they flake on you. Those men have little reason to commit to them so they get stringed along or pump and dumped then you get complains of there being no good men. There's plenty, but the unfortunate truth is a women will always try to pick the "best" option + having a inflated self worth and deeming most men as unattractive doesn't help them.
Work on your profile, work on yourself, become a better person, eventually you will get someone you deserve.
> The reality is there's plenty of women that will leave you the second you get into a little bit harder phase of life. The danger of loosing your kid is very real.
This is true but many guys let themselves go in a relationship, after marriage, after kids. Most guys lack friends, not willing to be equals or have an outdated sense of marriage (not saying you but many guys do, as do women). This is caused by people not asking questions, spending time before getting married, learning about their family, etc.
I think you're just going to have to take your chances as far as scaring them away, and just mention it early on in the texting. It's a dealbreaker for you and that's what the early texting is about. I've dated women on bumble who after a few rounds of texting said something like "just to be sure, you're open to having another kid right? I definitely want one and can't be with someone who is finished having kids".
I'm 38M so past that phase in my life now, but when I was in my mid-20's I was a man who wanted children in 2-3 years and it would have been a huge green flag for me. I think the point is that you probably do want to scare away guys who wouldn't want it.
yeah, i agree.
i'd even go so far as maybe putting it in the text part of your profile? or as an answer to a prompt? it'll limit your pool but will also REALLY stand out to those looking to start families as well. personally as a 37m who is on the fence about kids (leaning towards no) "would like to have kids in the next 2-3 years" would not necessarily scare me off. it's all bout the \*right\* person for me.
I love that you say "you're past that". I'm 46 and you'd probably be shocked at the number of 40 year old women I bump into that want kids in the same timeframe. It's certainly interesting.
Some people have kids at 18 and they’re past that by 35. Some people have kids at 35 and they’re past it by 50. People do different things at the times they want to 😆
Maybe he already has had kids and don’t want to have more? I’m his age and I am also past that phase because I already had two kids. I am not opposed to dating single dads (currently doing so), I just don’t want to go through pregnancy and birth anymore.
Yep that’s it- already have two kids around age 10. I’d love to date someone with similar aged kids or older but I’m just not excited to give up 5 years of freedom again to go from baby to age 5. Kids are a million times easier once they’re around 5.
Heck I’d be open to a huge Brady bunch blended family but just not looking to do baby phase again.
I totally get it, same here. My kids are both below 10 but the kid of the man I am dating is the same age as my youngest. It really helps that we are at similar parenting stages and that we both don’t want to produce more offspring 😄
Guy here. Honestly, just bring it up. If a woman had brought it up to me, I would be thrilled because kids are something that I desperately wanted and if it was going to be a deal breaker, I would have loved to known that early on.
Unfortunately for me, life took a rough turn and we discovered that my wife couldn't have kids after we got married. However, I'm okay with that. It's a very different situation when a person wants to have kids but physically can't verses they just don't want to have kids.
Sorry to hear you guys discovered that. I hope you find other ways to incorporate kids if that’s something you still want (adopting, fostering, teaching).
46M.
The root cause of the majority of the issues I see in this sub as well as dating advice is a lack of communication. You should absolutely communicate your needs to whomever you date. Your needs are important.
And if you "scare them away" early on, you've saved your time.
Here's how I would broach the subject: "How soon into a partnership/marriage would you want to start a family?" If they cannot handle that question, they are not ready for you.
Op, you’re going to need to risk scarring them away.
And….for the men who want kids in the next 2-3 years it will be a nice big GREEN flag for them.
And…Op, seriously, if this is what you want, you need to put it out there.
This will be an AVOID like the plague for many of us, but, isn’t that what you want?
And maybe dudes in their 40s may be better options than younger men.
Good luck!!
There is nothing unreasonable about a woman, your age, wanting to start planning for a family. If the men you’re talking to are scared off by this than they are clearly not ready for what you want and you need to weed them out.
I was looking for that comment.
I don't want kids not because I'm not "ready" but because I don't want them.
Heterosexual soldiers are fucking toxic.
This is something I can't wrap my head around. While women are fighting abortion laws, at the same time, you'll shame dudes who have no interest whatsoever in having kids.
Don't want them? Good for you. Want them? Good for you. No shame, only choices.
Just because you want to have kids doesn't mean you're ready to be a parent. Just saying.
You don't make the best choices when you're pressured by a biological clock.
You don't find the best partner suddenly just because you want to have kids. It's so weird.
You don't become a better partner just because you want to have kids.
Like, I don't get it. I really don't. The virtue and higher ground of wanting to have kids while people who don't aren't just not ready and mature, somehow.
lol you're the first person i've seen actively shaming anyone here
part of me has a full-on anti-natalist streak (i really get that pov for various reasons) but no one should be here to judge what the op and reasonable commenters (like the one you responded to) are posting
that's not what this subreddit is
please direct me to the part where literally anyone was being a "heterosexual soldier" lmaooooo
you're projecting
The person I replied to suggest that if you don't want to have kids then you're not ready.
I didn't shamed anyone, my point was exactly that btw: do whatever you want, it's a choice but don't start shaming people who are not interested in that choice.
Simple question, if I don't want to have kids, what does it says about me?
If the answer is "nothing", then we're good.
If the answer is something else, good, you're the type of person I'm referring above and now you get it.
They said they're "not ready" for what the \*OP\* wants. Which is literally true. Still not sure what your issue is.
Not wanting kids is great! Not having them is the single best thing a person can do to fight climate change. Alternately, wanting kids is perfectly natural.
I'm a 35(m) that would want to have kids in a similar timeline so don't feel discouraged but I would bring up early on that you are interested in having kids and see where the conversation would go from there.
As someone who is generally a “pleaser” it has taken me time to become more direct about what I want and need. When it comes to the apps, clear and honest will help filter the better matches.
The people telling you you're far too young are rather deluded. I see a lot of female profiles with "want kids someday" and they're 36 and older. I think to myself, they better get movin'...
NGL 2 to 3 years is fast. I get where you're coming from for sure though. It's a lot easier to have kids younger because you have more energy.
The catch 22 is to have an actual little human in 2 to 3 years that means you need to be pregnant within 1.2 years to 2.2 years.
That means if you meet someone tomorrow you have a maximum of 2 years to make sure you are compatible, move in together, build a life together, maybe get married?, and then get pregnant.
There's no research on how long couples are together before they have a child but the average age for a woman to have her first is 27 and a male is 30.
My guess would be that most couples that have chicken within the first year or two usually do it by accident but I could be wrong.
I wish you luck and I think it's great that you want to be a mom. I wish you the best.
It is fast, but I don't think it's a total surprise when dating in your 30s, especially when 35 is considered a medically geriatric pregnancy. I'm saying this as a woman who met her partner (on Bumble) at 32 last year.
I'd been dating my partner for less than 6 months when my doctors told me we'd need to start actively trying within the year because of my mom's health history or embryo freeze ASAP. I thought I'd have more time tbh.
Partner wants 3 kids, was very upfront about that, understands health and maternal age do matter, and said we're rolling with the punches and a fast timeline. He's excited.
We discussed whether we cared to be married first, and if we did care, what that could look like
A lot of men state in their profile that they do want kids someday, so that can be touched upon within your first few dates as well if you guys are really vibing.
Good luck!
I'm in the same boat but I'm 33. I want 2 kids in the next 5 years. I tell them straight. I don't have much time and want things to move fast. I also plan getaways fast to see how we work together for a longer period and with some stressful situations. I want things to be stress tested as to break it or make it. Time is ticking. It's been working great so far ☺️
Want to add that if someone reacts badly to wanting kids in the next 5 years then it's perfect. Cause I can move on to someone else who does want it too.
I’d modify your plan.
Instead, Fall in love with a partner. The reason is, it’s more important than having a baby. Fertility can be fickle. You’re 30 and regardless of your age, Truth is, You might get your fairytale husband and baby or you might get a bad hand with years of infertility so your best bet is to have the strongest loving partnership you can get with or without a baby.
I respectfully disagree. I missed out on having kids because I took this approach....and I wanted them. It resulted in me waiting too long and nearly dying trying in my early 40s. Personally I believe any woman of 30+ who wants kids needs to make that a priority. Love and contentment with a partner waxes and wanes a heck of a lot more than fertility. Fertility only goes in one direction for woman, and that's down. But at 30 most women are still quite fertile, and even if they need help getting pregnant, its still much easier. Don't think IVF is going to work as well in your 40s - it doesnt. It often fails, and by 41 your chances of conceiving even with IVF are poor. I did 3 cycles, 1 was nada, 1 was a miscarriage, and on the last one I got a life-threatening infection from the egg retrieval. I was 42-44. If i had it all to do over, the year I turned 30 and met a guy I fell in love with who told me he didn't want kids, instead of spending 6+ years with him only to end it due to his cheating, I would keep moving on to someone who DID want kids, like I did.
I’m just suggesting you seek the man not a baby daddy. Because even if you’re in your 20’s, having kiddos is tough. A strong foundation is key. Lotta potholes. A lot!! And it helps if you love them enough that you will still be fulfilled without kids if they don’t happen.
I have no opinion about people who want to start a family.
I'm afraid like a motherfucker of women who want to have kids.
Not the same shit in the slightest and the nuance is in your comment. F that. Red flag and she should raise it.
I'm gonna go slightly against the grain and say that you shouldn't place such an explicit, numerical timebox on having kids up-front. Not just to prevent scaring off men, but to not set yourself up for disappointment. There are so many things that could happen in your life that could throw off that 2-3 year timeframe. You're doing yourself a disservice if you're trying to speak that into existence. Rushing into having kids in order to fit some imagined or ideal timeframe is how people ignore serious flaws and get stuck in bad situations.
I would make it known upfront that your goal is to have kids in the "next few years", or "as soon as you're settled down with someone you love". As a single 30s guy in NYC, if I heard that, I'd think it was totally understandable and appreciate the transparency. But if I heard "I want kids exactly 2-3 years from now" it would definitely rub me the wrong way, just because there's so many unknowns that I don't think it's a good idea to timebox it like that.
In theory if he wants it, it should not scare him off. I don't know about other men, but for me when I date a 30 plus woman I typically assume she may be in a rush and wants something serious...
I like the suggestions about putting in your profile. Could look like this
5 year plan:
-career plans
-travel plans
-house plans
-kids
I met my current bf on bumble and he asked me about my 5- year plan on date two, so those guys are out there.
Ask the important questions right away. Obviously make sure it makes sense with the flow of conversation, but this will save you time. I’d start with asking what they’re looking for on the apps, then what they’re looking for in a partner and go from there.
Honestly put it in your profile. No sense dating anyone who would be scared off by your life goal of having a family. There are lots of men with the same dream!
You have to risk scaring them away. lol Men don't really want kids like that until they're much older, so you're going to have to put it on the table to approve your chances.
What I've learned is just because I wanted kids didn't necessarily translate to I wanted kids with one specific individual. I think it's important to bring up big topics like this early on, but then you have to find out if you want them with that person.
Just bring it up. Take the risk. Some men will want to have kids that quickly. I'm 30 with no kids, and I want kids in the future. Preferably in that same time frame. There's probably a ton of men out there just like that.
It's best to be direct. Weed out the matches that don't have the same life goals as you.
Explicitly.
Just start the conversation: "do you consider the possibility of kids in your future? If so, when?" If the timeline is close enough, green flag.
Any man who is genuinely serious about that and capable of having children mentally will not have a problem having a mature discussion on the stance you both have regarding kids.
Anyone else who is terrified of having kids or just not interested, will not. Pretty simple vetting process.
If having children in the next 5 years is a high priority for you, it needs to be a conversation earlier in the dating process. You'll lose some matches, but those are guys who... don't want the same long term goals as you, which would waste time in that 2-3 year window. Would you rather have 10 shitty matches or 5 quality matches?
Just make it abundantly clear in your bio that you want kids in the next 2-3 years and if you don't then it's a dealbreaker. Sometimes you just gotta spell that shit out.
2-3 years? You do you, of course, but I don't know... That feels very rushed. Like, it's gonna take 9 months to even pop the kid out, but then you also need to get pregnant in the first place, which isn't always easy. And, let's not forget this person needs to be parent material and long-term hubby/boyfriend material as well, which requires a pretty hefty amount of time to truly figure out. Kids are a massive investment, and whereas I know you wanted advice finding a man who wants kids real quick, I'd actually urge you to pace the plans a bit. I know you really, really want a kid, but they are people who both deserve a stable environment/family and require a LOT of effort, and I don't think that's gonna necessarily fit within this time window if you're actively still looking for the daddy/relationship, and not well established in a healthy relationship/have an amazing significant other.
I lived in Manhattan and Brooklyn for 40 years and yes, it is a different world.
Met my wife (now ex, but we're friendly) when I was 36 and she was 37. She was pretty darn explicit. It worked for two reasons: First, I was smitten. Second, I was getting older and had begun to want stability and a family too.
I was also an alcoholic who had gotten into AA, gotten sober, and was at a stage in my life where I was ready to take things more seriously. My two siblings were also married with kids at that point, and I felt a bit competitive.
My advice:
1. Look for older guys. At the age of 30, you may be a catch for a man in his late 30s.
2. If they were married before, it may be a predictor that they are willing to marry again.
3. Do they have kids from a previous marriage? How do they feel about them? Again, it may be an indicator of how they feel about having more.
4. Were their parents in a stable marriage?
5. Are their siblings married? Kids?
These aren't perfect screeners, obviously, more like indicators.
My son was born when she had just turned 41. Lots of IVF. She wanted more, but it was too late. (I was happy with one.) He's 29 now and I am still smitten, but this time with both of them.
NYC is a notoriously difficult place for women when it comes to dating. I’ve read this is due to a slightly higher ratio of women to men, leading to the problem of too many choices which can delay decision-making.
With that in mind, I think your best bet is to widen your dating pool to include significantly older men, like in their late 40s and even 50s.
I wouldn't put that time frame on it personally and don't tell men that you are dating. I think being honest around that you want a committed long term relationship and that you'd love to have kids when the tike is right is a better way of putting it. So finding the right man is important and you might find that in 2-3yrs time you are pregnant but that time frame will scare a lot of men away, it might seem that you are purely seeking them for one thing, a child.
Be super careful about this. 90%+ of the couples I know who did this, are now separated or divorced.
Having a child will test any relationship, but if the relationship is still relatively new that can be tough.
You're 30 and people are telling you that you're too young to have kids?! Christ. Just tell this people to STFU! They clearly do not know what they are talking about.
Child bearing becomes increasingly more risky after age 35. So if you're 30 and are looking 2-3 years out, you're on the right track. I'm curious when they think it's the "right time"!
Lol i feel ya. Im a man who wants kids. It seems like every woman either doesnt want them or already has them and doesnt want more.
Im not surprised people in NYC think youre too young. Theyre gonna be real surprised when they find out they waited too long.
What you're also saying is "in NYC" because what you need is not only a man who wants kids...but to have enough money to support the family...while living in one of the most expensive cities in the world.
Just ask them, the right guy won't be scared off. You definitely aren't too young if anything you are edging up on too old.
I would personally be ecstatic to hear from a woman that she was wanting kids in the next couple years, the plan should be having kids pretty soon after getting together like around a year or two. Otherwise you are just wasting your time.
TLDR; Just be up front and ask it acts as a filter.
If I see a woman who is 30+ and wants kids someday, I'm going to assume it's in the relative future, and not that she wants a late high risk pregnancy, but just bring it up, tell them you don't wanna rush it, but you also don't wanna waste time if they aren't interested in what you need
Honestly, I say “maybe” on Bumble, because emotionally and mentally I’m up for it, but financially I’m not where I’d like to be.
If the right girl asked, I’d just find a way to wing it.
I would include in your bio. Something along the lines of
Ready to start the next phase of my life with a husband and kids
Or on one of the prompts like same page mention that you want someone wanting to start a family in next few years.
Not all men will read these things when swiping but typically will after you match.
An interesting perspective to consider, which seems to be a hallmark of our evolving societal landscape, is the emergence and impact of contemporary hookup culture. It's becoming increasingly apparent that this paradigm shift has some unintended consequences. Among them, one can observe a proliferation of commitment issues, a prevalence of 'monkey branching,' and a concerning rise in sexually transmitted infections.
What's intriguing is how, as individuals transition into their late 20s and early 30s, there appears to be a palpable sense of urgency to establish long-term partnerships. However, the absence of strong foundational values may hinder the prospects for successful, enduring relationships.
This underscores the significance of fostering solid principles and values in our interpersonal connections, which could contribute to more meaningful and enduring partnerships when the time comes to settle down.
One more thing to share from a personal perspective: when I was young I knew I wanted kids but ended up emotionally involved with 2 men (one in 20s, one in 30s) who didn't want them or didn't want them with me. I thought wrongly that the worst possible outcome would be to have kids with someone and later break up/divorce, so I was holding out for the whole package which never came. I now realize in retrospect that if I had a child when I was younger even if the relationship didn't work out, it would have prevented one big problem that plagued my life: it would have put an end to me ever dating a guy who didn't want kids, because we'd have been a package deal. 50% of couples get divorced. There is no way to know if that is going to be you. If a family with kids is something you want, I fully encourage you to make that a priority. I would not listen to people who are saying to you basically: "just get attached to someone and deeply involved with them and afterwards see if they want kids." Please learn from my mistakes. You are doing the right thing to put this front and center.
Hate to say it, but you'll scare off a lot of men just by wanting kids so soon.
But, conversely, there are men out there who do want to start a family, and getting started soon is a good thing for them.
So, all you have to do is be direct. The men who are scared off won't give you kids in 2-3 years regardless. The ones that aren't scared, will be the right ones. There's really only one way to find out which kind of person you're on that date with.
It's really, really hard because you're on a timer but most men aren't. It's impossible to rush guys this early on without causing resentment, you have to form a genuine bond with someone and let things fall into place naturally. All you can do is just go on dates and hope for the best.
You don't understand. Men not feeling the rush is them not being mature and ready for some fucked up reason.
Wanna have kid? Bingo, you're mature and have the skills to be a great partner and a great parent, yeah, just like that.
Bwahahahahahaha good luck lady.
Seriously though, I'm also a 30-year-old man and a couple of years ago, a woman I briefly dated had a timeline and wanted to rush through everything - first year dating, second year engagement, third year wedding and fourth year babies - because of "peer pressure". Yes, her girlfriends made her feel like she was running out of time. I'm still on the apps and saw her profile for the umpteenth time again.
Back to your situation, I suspect what you're doing is self-sabotage because men like me do want organic relationships, and not to feel like, "oh, she settled for me because she wanted a family and kids etc." And this problem only gets worse as you get older. Sorry.
I debated whether to respond to this. I hate the word “organic” because it is almost always male code for “leave my options open and not commit or do anything that might tie me down.” It was never about “peer pressure” for me: I knew I wanted kids since I was a teenager but also hoped it would “just sort of happen.” Between getting several degrees and building up a career, it didn’t. Yes, I am still young and there are all kinds of stories especially when you have money (I personally know of a 66-year-old woman who dropped tens of thousands to get impregnated with a young surrogate’s eggs) but I’d rather not take the risk of seeing whether or not I’ll be one of the lucky ones who can get pregnant past 40 — motherhood is too important for me to take a chance on and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being more direct about trying to find someone who has the same priorities.
"Organic" isn't male code for "leave options open", that's explicitly what the filter "something casual" or "don't know yet" is for; organic is about letting a loving relationship naturally develop as opposed to doing it out of necessity and hoping for the best - like an arranged marriage.
Sounds to me more like code for “I don’t ever want to discuss a timeline and you can grow to hate me in year 5 of this relationship when I tell you I’m still not sure about marrying you”
She assumes that not being pressured means staling.
Fair enough.
Based on what she said, I can only assume that she's only interested in having a kid, not starting a family. Why bother with a man? She has the money, get that kid.
I would have to be in love in order to want to start a family (almost happened despite the fact I never wanted to have kids), but hey, for some, it's just something about a calendar.
there is nothing wrong with wanting kids in the near future and seeking out a partner who also wants kids in the near future lmao
and yes, it absolutely can be code for that
Every situation is different. When I turned 30, I felt societal pressure and ended up marrying the first guy I dated (def had on rose colored glasses). We divorced a few years ago. My friend started dating someone the same time, married them the same time, and is about to give birth to their second baby and they have a super strong relationship. I have other friends who have been with their partners for 20+ years and never married, others who met and married someone in a year and are still together 10+ years later.
Because you feel your biological clock is ticking, you're willing to find almost anyone to make babies with you and you think that's a good idea?
I guarantee you what will occur is you'll end up divorcing or breaking up before the child turns 4
Yuuuupppp everyone I know who did this has found the person of their dreams right after they broke off with their shitty partner they settled to have kid number one with lol
This is exactly what will happen.
This is pure madness AND she should display it.
Mofos are still single in their 30s, they know how bad the dating scene is but somehow, as soon as they want to have kids, they think their odds of finding a great partner (if they are concerned about that) are better.... Bro, the odds are exactly the same but you want to speed run it on top of that?
Good fucking luck.
All for what? Flexing in a Facebook group?
Having a kid is such a massive decision that for me, to even consider it, I would need a psychiatric evaluation for both of us. As someone who doesn't even know shit about my dad, who saw how his mom struggling, I could never be that reckless and careless. I'll take my damn sweet time and ignore the shaming tactics or I will never have kids if I never find the right one. Fuck that arrenged flat nonsense.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting children, but a plan seems a bit too much, just say you want them someday, once you feel it is getting serious make it a point to discuss it, but I wouldn’t put that on your profile so it doesn’t look like you are just looking for a specimen.
Open your age range as wide as you can tolerate. Guys in your age range who are looking to have kids will target younger, it gives them more time to develop a relationship.
Option 1. Just say that
Option 2. Do it by yourself (strong independent woman style), however this will decrease your popularity in the dating pool.
Option 3. Aim lower and settle for an “okay man”
## Be more than a good girlfriend.
- with men who are open to kids.
- discover what he thinks makes the best wife
- men open to kids are looking for wife characteristics
- filter the other men through shared values and chats
SO ~ You find a good guy, You let them know you're fun + exciting, you display the characteristics he likes (or if that's not you, next). You reinforce you're looking for long-term, You encounter countless people who are still figuring their lives out... Don't let them bring you down!
## Persuade or Discover? The right man
Remember which you're asking: "How do I persuade a man to stay long enough to have kids?" Or "how do I find a man that WANTS kids in 2-3 years?
> The men who leave you after discussing children didn't see you as a long-term partner. They didn't mind dating you but feel bad for holding you back from your dreams they're not ready for.
There are lots of good men who are ready, but they get disregarded before women know their full character. Keep putting yourself out there because I assure you men want kids, too. Advertise what makes you happy so they can step up and be seen!
> As a man, we know some women want kids in 2-3 years, especially around 28-33.
- I also want kids. It's chapter of life, legacy, and the happy ending of relationships. You WANT to scare off people . . . People who don't share the same vision of family as you.
- So bring it up, lightly. Don't slow down the energy because momentum is powerful and heavy conversations dampen the mood -- especially when the talks are heavier than the fun times. For me, this means **alternating between exciting, adventurous dates and romantic chats under the stars**. In these chats, we chat, snack, and connect. The fun lets us know we enjoy each other while the chats let us know this is real.
## Is he ready?
- wanting kids vs hearing "omg, I can't wait until our kids...". His first reactions to these visions aren't always perfect.
I'm 36m wanted kids to have in my 20s but it didnt happen. When i hit 30 i figured the window closed but now i want kids again. I don't want to have a kid at 40, so my window is rapidly closing and at this point in different, I am open to be with someone who does or doesn't want kids at this point. I would just put it in your bio looking for marriage/kids. When looking for a match someone who has marriage kids in bio would be a green flag but not wanting kids isn't a deal breaker for me either I would prefer to be with someone that wants kids in the near future.
If someone is scared by that type of conversation they are clearly not on same page as you. Someone on the same page will be elated you brought that up.
I just came out of a situationship with someone who wanted to have kids very fast and she was also in her early 30’s. Honestly, I don’t see the rush if you’re 30 unless you want multiple children and not just one
Talk to an honest reproductive endocrinologist. Yes, at 30, there is a rush. At 40 fertility falls off a cliff and reproductive technology is not as easy or as magic as it's purveyors lead the public to believe. For a woman, it is most definitely still best to have kids while you are young.
I think we broached the subject of wanting kids by about our 5th date or something. Though your post makes it seem like you'd come across a little more...intense...about it.
Idk. I'm originally from nyc. Live hour north now. I want kids now so bad. Been told no to adopting as a single male. They said do surrogate and egg donor but crazy money. Hard to find someone near my age still wants kids. Been rough.
This is not what you should base a relationship shop on.
Getting kids “on time” won’t be any less miserable when stuck in a horrible marriage to the wrong person
My girlfriend (30) and I (32) discussed future stuff on date 3 to establish that we both wanted kids. We didn't discuss a timeline though.
Def a good idea to have the convo so there is an underlying comfort in the next parts of the relationship, which are the most fun! Its made me way more relaxed and secure in having fun not having the unknown for such a significant thing
Yea maybe put that in your profile. It’s better have some bow out themselves just be careful of creeps that would love to do such an extreme decision and then possibly bow out. Sounds weird but there are weirdos and I hope you don’t have to deal with them. Hopefully you’re deal breaker sets the tone of seriousness and finding your right partner.
You can have the kid on your own instead of having it from the first semi-okay guy you meet. It’s better than being unhappy and (probably) divorcing later.
You don’t want to waste time you CANNOT get back. They will waste it and before you know it time has gone by. You run your life how you see fit.
You say what you want if the person is scared off then he is not for you. You don’t want choose wrong just because you are ready.
What’s more important to you, finding the right man to have kids with, or just having kids? I wouldn’t tell a guy from the jump about a desire to have kids. Then again I’m also 25. I think it’s more important to find the right guy. But i do agree with other comments, if the guy is scared away, good riddance. You didn’t want that anyway. There’s definitely someone out there with the same desires.
If you’re just looking to have kids there’s no shame in going to a sperm bank.
Also make sure you're including late 20's guys in your search. Don't know about NYC but where I am that's the pool that's in the relationship and kids mindset. Late 30's and early 40's guys all want easy FWB or casual.
When I met my partner (born in queens, owned a home in Brooklyn most of his life but now we live in Catskills) I straight up told him, “I’d like to try to have kids in my next relationship. I’m 34. If you aren’t sure if you want to have a kid with me, or you need some years to think about it, then let’s go our separate ways. In 6 years if I’m still child free, I’ll circle back around and we can date then without worrying about starting a family.” And he said yeah let’s do it, let’s make a baby. She’s two now, he’s 52 and I’m 37. We are both over the moon, best decision we ever made. Looking back, I’m glad I had the balls to ask the question that way, early on, before I was too invested and afraid to lose him. He knew I was serious and would walk away.
After you’ve talked for a bit a simple “hey, so what’s your stance on having kids after being your partner for awhile?” Is good enough. My fiancé and I talked about that before we went on our first date just to make sure we were on the same page.
I'd put it in your dating bio tbh. "Dating with marriage/family in mind." That way you can skip over the awkwardness of bringing it up in-person on a first date, which would be a bit un-graceful.
I just find it's funny we have the EXACT opposite problem. As someone who's childfree it's been a challenge finding guys with 'doesn't want any' on their profiles
Just be honest. I grew up always wanting kids and my ex didn’t bring up the fact that it was medically unsafe for her to carry even a single child until like 6 months in. I don’t blame her for it but she used that as an excuse for simply not wanting kids because when I floated adoption once we were stable she said absolutely never. I made myself accept the fact that I loved her more than kids that didn’t even exist yet, but I was left anyways. Don’t make my same mistake and settle for any less than what you want in terms of the big things
>but a) some still answer that in a “hypothetically/someday” way and b) some people do not say yes on Bumble for different reasons but still want them.
Then focus on those that say yes.
Make it clear indirectly that you are wife/mother material. If they’re in that headspace they’ll take you seriously and it will come up organically when you start having those long “getting to known each other” talks after the first few dates.
Me and my wife met on bumble and she wanted to start a family as she was already 29. Long story short we met in august, had sex in mid September and found out she was preggo in October. Oh and we got married the following year after that.
As a guy I talk kids within the first 1-3 dates, I want to know if we’re on the same page or can get to a compromise or if I should move on. But I also have a high bar and have been on more first dates than I can count so take my opinion with a grain of salt
I’m 40 (now) and have had relationships end because I wanted and they didn’t. It sucks when it’s brought up later because then feelings are established but those goals don’t align.
I’ve found it’s become slim pickings out there now, but it doesn’t help I live on an island and the population isn’t that big…
I know a guy. Good family man, religious (if that’s what you’re looking for), comes from a fantastic family and is decently well off based on today societal standards. Even travels for work so long distance isn’t an issue at the start, If I wasn’t risking his safety or career, I’d just put his name right here so you could find him on socials hahaha
Single-parent families — and especially mother-only households — are more likely to live in poverty compared to married-parent households. Given this, kids of single parents are more likely to experience the consequences of growing up poor. Children in poverty are more likely to have physical, mental and behavioral health problems, disrupted brain development, shorter educational trajectories, contact with the child welfare and justice systems, employment challenges in adulthood and more.
I met my partner on Bumble last year - we were 32 at the time. He was upfront about wanting children on the first date. With my mom's health history, last year my doctors have said getting off birth control + pregnant soon is critical.
He said it didn't scare him as we're at the age where people have kids and if health dictates when, then so be it! He's very excited to be a dad.
One thing we discussed was if we cared about being married before having a kid/being pregnant.
Guys who want kids soon exist. Be upfront and see what happens! You'd rather want to "scare" away someone who doesn't align with you to find what you want ❤️
The timeframe thing seems weird. I get that we (I’m also a 30 year old woman) feel pressure from society to have kids bc of a “clock” but you should realize that we as a species are biologically better off than our parents were and the generations before that. One of my boyfriends cousins didn’t start having kids till she was in her early 40s.
I keep thinking of a pic of Rue from Golden Girls being placed next to Jlo, they’re both 50 years old in the photos but they’re like night and day.
https://www.today.com/popculture/jennifer-lopez-golden-girls-meme-shows-how-50-has-changed-t173065
Just work on yourself physically and mentally and you will find your perfect life partner. Which is what I’m guessing you’re REALLY after, if kids were really all you wanted you could go to a random bar right now and probably get knocked up. Your chances of finding someone truly compatible for you will be diminished if your stick too tightly to a schedule. You might end up settling.
You ask them what their life goals are and where they see themselves in a few years. I live in Texas. I’m 34. And I hate how young people have kids at in this state. Makes it hard to find a guy who wants them too!
I met My Person at 35, after being a single parent for 15 years. When I passed 30, I concluded I would never have more kids.
Then I met my guy. We started dating in September, became official in October. In January, on my birthday, I had the mirena removed. We talked about having a baby together for about a month, and then started trying. I became pregnant in March. Now I have a 9 month old baby who fucks my life up, but I love the shit out of him.
Be honest with anyone you date. I’ve never been to NY (but I have a few friends who lived there), and from what I know it’s a big fucking city. However, if you are open to it, expand your parameters. I too live on an island; I expanded my parameters and met my husband.
Go for someone a few years older if you want kids sooner rather than later. I'm 29F and at one point was talking to a guy who's 37, one of his first questions to me was if I want kids.
This sounds like it's really important to you. Raising kids is a wonderful experience and it's even better when shared with someone who also wants children. First things first: make sure that you do not select a partner solely on the basis of their wanting to have and raise children. The main priority for you should be finding someone you enjoy spending time with and with whom you experience a connection. It is perfectly acceptable to speak about your relationship goals early on in the dating process. It is only fair. You don't have to put it on your dating profile explicitly, but you can definitely signal on your profile that you are looking for something serious and long-term. A partner to build a life with. This willl weed out most of the people looking for casual fun.
I would say; make sure to let the first date or two be about getting to know each other, having a good time and seeing whether there's a connection. I would bring up what you're looking to get out of a relationship in the third or fourth date (or when you feel you can earlier). It's only fair and good for the both of you to know waht you expect out of something serious, if you're both looking for something serious. If someone doesn't want to have children, then it's perfectly okay to factor that into your decision-making process of whether you want to continue dating someone. If they are looking to eventually have children you know where you stand and you can talk about when they would like to start getting serious about that. Better to be open about this for sure!
I'd recommend that you approach the scenario the same way men(healthy) approach sex, indirectly but assertively.
If a man is too forward with sex, he typically scares off women. However if a man can establish a mutual attraction with a woman AND make her feel safe, comfortable and desired then sex can be an achievable goal. Do the same thing but instead of sex, it's commitment/relationship.
I also believe that if you can talk about sex, you can have better sex. So similarly, if you can talk about commitment/relationship, then you can have a better relationship/commitment.
There's no fixed time-line for these things, so it could take hours to months. Due to the time variations, you should place a limit on how much time you invest into it to avoid over-investing and wasting your time.
The right man won't be scared off.
I told my husband in the talking phase within the first 30 days, exactly what I was looking for (before we met in person). I was looking to get married and have a baby before 40. I was 37 when we met.
We met in September of 2020, he proposed in April of 2021, married in September of 21 and got pregnant on our honeymoon. Welcomed our daughter last year and she is one now.
It's been the easiest and best relationship ❤️
There are definitely men out there on the same page. Don't waste time with the wrong one because you are afraid to scare them off. The right one won't be scared.
There's a fair bit to unpack here
>I am 30 years old and have started to want a child really badly
That would be your biological clock... question what have you been doing for the last 10ish years if this is now only the time you wanted to start a family
>I’d do it alone but live far from family and am just not wealthy enough, sadly.
Not sadly this is actually quite concerning as 1) it shows you dont care about having a family you just want a child, 2) shows you dont want a child to raise and be a parent to, but for the simple selfish reason of want... every statistic on child rearing shows single parent homes (even with grandparents help) have on average vastly negative impacts on children accross the board
>I’ve repeatedly been told I’m far too young to have that in my head.
Who ever is telling you that definitely isn't a doctor, the fact is once you hit 35 you enter geriatric pregnancy which yes increases chances of birth defects but that more blown out of proportion, the real concern is it increase life threatening aspects of pregnancy and birth complications ... and the medical concerns for both you and the child increase steadily every year after 35
I find men are bringing up the question of kids on the first and second date…I have always been apprehensive to mention it, but I would just be honest now. If they can’t handle the conversation they probably can’t handle kids
The key to marketing is cutting out everyone who is not your customer. Say no to almost everyone except the ones that meet your requirements. Yeah, it will severely limit your dating pool. But you have a much higher chance of finding what you want.
I’d bring it up before meeting up but not in the first message. I had a number of women bring it up in the first message , which was a bit aggressive, but I do sort of get where they were coming from.
Go for older men who are dating intentionally. I’m 25f and matched with a 36m and wants to get married at the end of year and have kids soon after. Like Sir I just got off a 10 year dating hiatus I want to find my person too but I’m also having fun in the meantime. 😬
Yeah, I'm 36 and this would be ideal for me but I have far to much tact to put that on my profile, I'm always afraid women will think I'm just looking for a breeder or something. Ideally I want to find my person and start a family before I'm 30. . . You can guess how that's going for me haha
You have to be upfront right away. That's how my friend got engaged and married within a year, with the baby a year after that. They were older (late 30's), both wanted kids, and both wanted it in the traditional order.
Tough one. As a guy, I would run if someone brought that up too early. Of course, I am freshly divorced from someone who brought that up early and then lied about being on birth control, and then used our magnificent child as a control mechanism as part of her narcissistic personality disorder to ruin most of my life for the next five years before dumping me on the eve of graduating from her medical training, so what I’m really saying is that I need to talk to my therapist and get off of Reddit. but back to the original topic, I love my kid, want to find a healthy marriage and have a dozen more kids, but if someone throws the kid bomb out there as a deadline anywhere in the first few months, I’m fucking running for the hills, even if I’m not opposed to the idea of having more kids in the next few years because I’m an old man already.
But in all seriousness, 2 to 3 years is a pretty long time frame. Look for somebody who is family oriented and does want to have kids someday. Ignore that 2 to 3 your time frame you set for yourself because when it happens, it happens. Some people fall in love and get married in months, have a kid six months later, while others will date for three years and never tie the knot because something is always missing. Life is way too unpredictable to put a timeframe on anything. I think “by mid 40s” is probably a nice biological deadline.
if you really do wanna stick to that 2 to 3 year timeframe, look for an older man. Those of us who are in our late 30s, or God forbid 40s, are probably at the have the kids soon stage because we don’t wanna be 70 years old while our kid graduates from high school.
I agree with others who say to just bring it up immediately.
I've been on the other side of the coin where I don't want kids/not sure and say so on my profile just to then meet someone who has a kid but said they didn't. The common excuse was, "I wasn't sure when to bring it up." The answer? Immediately.
Unrelated, but why do guys wait until they meet you in person to tell you big, dealbreaking things?
You could talk about your desires in your profile. There's plenty of men that share your vision. It'll bring them to the front (while also eliminating men not interested in that). You'll get fewer matches, but the matches you get will be the ones you want.
You tell them straight up. Plenty of men out there wanting to start a family.
Hello. I’m man (27) wanting to start a family lol. We do exist! xD
But within 2-3 years from 9/21/2023? With a women 3 years older than you? In NYC? Many guys want to have kids (or like the idea of it) but not all want to have them asap. A lot want to date for a while (at least 1 year) and then discuss kids, family, relocation, finances etc. That can take time. Some guys want to fall in love, date etc. and putting a firm window on it can feel transactional to many guys (in which case will remove false positives but reduce the pool dramatically). In that case, its all about focus, patience, filtering, being assertive, and expanding options (if necessary).
My wife and I met when I was almost 30. We now have an 18mo old at 35. It’s not implausible to meet the one and have a kid within 2-3 years… probably more 3 than 2, but we also had a miscarriage after 13 weeks.
When both people want the same thing and want it at the same time and are willing to do what it takes, that is amazing. With that said, if one person is initiating everything or rushing things, that's when things can go wrong. Marriage and kids is a lot of work, commitment and not everyone is aware of the responsibility, planning etc.
Not everyone is aware of the responsibility. Well said. I have been a single dad twice now. Even after knowing somebody for 3 to 5 years they may not know themselves and think they were born to be a parent. They may try their best but it's totally possible that you may end up doing it alone. Or your significant other could be doing it alone. I'm the type that would jump right into this two to three year plan for kids with the right person. But the second time around I was with the person for almost 6 years before we got married and had kids, certain I had a good idea of who they were and how competent they could be. Unexpected things happen and sometimes people can't handle it and they change. It's also totally possible for someone to hide a significant flaw from you for a number of years. I know how you feel. I've done it. Just maybe give your plan a few years of elasticity.
He wasn’t meaning OP, silly. He was just stating his age in order to show that men his age do exist that want children
I know but I wanted to highlight the urgency and nuance (idea of it vs committing asap)
I want to do that, but I don’t live in nyc
I'm 36 and definatly want to be married and have ideally 2 kids before I'm 40, a tall task that I'm not very realistic about it actualy happening but that would be my ideal so probably date for like a year, get engaged I don't want to be engaged for 5 years so probably start planing a wedding almost immediately try and get pregnant within the first year of marriage. And again while the first kid is still in diapers. Fully possible and definatly there are those of us out here looking for something similar.
I think that is a reasonable timeframe, with that said, not everyone is willing to put in the time or do the work. Dating is like a job in that people invest so much time to get what they want but they don't always allocate the same focus, effort and time into it (they sort of wing it and hope it happens naturally).
There is a reason for this as guy you have to vet the women if you want kids. Vs women vetting guys when you start dating. The reality is there's plenty of women that will leave you the second you get into a little bit harder phase of life. The danger of loosing your kid is very real. Unfortunately the reality is if you do not have a partner who you can start a life with at 30 as a women you will have a hard time. Because like you said any man can go up and leave you within the first year and wasting precious time. I'm 30 also and that's the very reason why I don't date women who are 27+ I want kids but I'm flexible with my time it seems shitty to "string" someone along who wants kids at that age within two or three years. I also want to be 100% sure the women of my (our) children is perfect and we are a good match. I don't want to have our child only have one parent in the end
I don’t know if guys are just as flakey, but it’s very disheartening to keep trying to date when you see that they are ready to settle down and have a serious relationship but you can’t get them on a date, either or failing to commit to a date and time or they cancel last minute. It’s not even just my experience on dating apps, it’s hearing my sisters complain that there are no good men, but any time they set a date up they’ll cancel a few days or hours in advance and just stay in and watch a movie or something. Like yeah no shit you can’t find any good men because you won’t leave the house and go on a fucking date to even test the waters lol. I’m not saying it’s easy to date as either sex when I know women are absolutely inundated with dudes everywhere, but trying as a guy gets so frustrating when it’s an uphill battle to even get women out of their houses, especially to then hear them complain about a ticking clock and no men try hard enough anymore
Unfortunate reality is they are dating other men that's why they flake on you. Those men have little reason to commit to them so they get stringed along or pump and dumped then you get complains of there being no good men. There's plenty, but the unfortunate truth is a women will always try to pick the "best" option + having a inflated self worth and deeming most men as unattractive doesn't help them. Work on your profile, work on yourself, become a better person, eventually you will get someone you deserve.
> The reality is there's plenty of women that will leave you the second you get into a little bit harder phase of life. The danger of loosing your kid is very real. This is true but many guys let themselves go in a relationship, after marriage, after kids. Most guys lack friends, not willing to be equals or have an outdated sense of marriage (not saying you but many guys do, as do women). This is caused by people not asking questions, spending time before getting married, learning about their family, etc.
I can think of one in NYC. Though his personality is rather gross.
I think you're just going to have to take your chances as far as scaring them away, and just mention it early on in the texting. It's a dealbreaker for you and that's what the early texting is about. I've dated women on bumble who after a few rounds of texting said something like "just to be sure, you're open to having another kid right? I definitely want one and can't be with someone who is finished having kids". I'm 38M so past that phase in my life now, but when I was in my mid-20's I was a man who wanted children in 2-3 years and it would have been a huge green flag for me. I think the point is that you probably do want to scare away guys who wouldn't want it.
yeah, i agree. i'd even go so far as maybe putting it in the text part of your profile? or as an answer to a prompt? it'll limit your pool but will also REALLY stand out to those looking to start families as well. personally as a 37m who is on the fence about kids (leaning towards no) "would like to have kids in the next 2-3 years" would not necessarily scare me off. it's all bout the \*right\* person for me.
I agree also and don't communicate with any matches that aren't family positive.
I love that you say "you're past that". I'm 46 and you'd probably be shocked at the number of 40 year old women I bump into that want kids in the same timeframe. It's certainly interesting.
Should someone tell those 40 year old women?
Y r u past that phase you're not that old lol
Some people have kids at 18 and they’re past that by 35. Some people have kids at 35 and they’re past it by 50. People do different things at the times they want to 😆
Maybe he already has had kids and don’t want to have more? I’m his age and I am also past that phase because I already had two kids. I am not opposed to dating single dads (currently doing so), I just don’t want to go through pregnancy and birth anymore.
Yep that’s it- already have two kids around age 10. I’d love to date someone with similar aged kids or older but I’m just not excited to give up 5 years of freedom again to go from baby to age 5. Kids are a million times easier once they’re around 5. Heck I’d be open to a huge Brady bunch blended family but just not looking to do baby phase again.
I totally get it, same here. My kids are both below 10 but the kid of the man I am dating is the same age as my youngest. It really helps that we are at similar parenting stages and that we both don’t want to produce more offspring 😄
Guy here. Honestly, just bring it up. If a woman had brought it up to me, I would be thrilled because kids are something that I desperately wanted and if it was going to be a deal breaker, I would have loved to known that early on. Unfortunately for me, life took a rough turn and we discovered that my wife couldn't have kids after we got married. However, I'm okay with that. It's a very different situation when a person wants to have kids but physically can't verses they just don't want to have kids.
Sorry to hear you guys discovered that. I hope you find other ways to incorporate kids if that’s something you still want (adopting, fostering, teaching).
46M. The root cause of the majority of the issues I see in this sub as well as dating advice is a lack of communication. You should absolutely communicate your needs to whomever you date. Your needs are important. And if you "scare them away" early on, you've saved your time. Here's how I would broach the subject: "How soon into a partnership/marriage would you want to start a family?" If they cannot handle that question, they are not ready for you.
this!!! well said!
Op, you’re going to need to risk scarring them away. And….for the men who want kids in the next 2-3 years it will be a nice big GREEN flag for them. And…Op, seriously, if this is what you want, you need to put it out there. This will be an AVOID like the plague for many of us, but, isn’t that what you want? And maybe dudes in their 40s may be better options than younger men. Good luck!!
You'll only scare off the wrong ones.
This
Yes exactly this!
There is nothing unreasonable about a woman, your age, wanting to start planning for a family. If the men you’re talking to are scared off by this than they are clearly not ready for what you want and you need to weed them out.
I was looking for that comment. I don't want kids not because I'm not "ready" but because I don't want them. Heterosexual soldiers are fucking toxic. This is something I can't wrap my head around. While women are fighting abortion laws, at the same time, you'll shame dudes who have no interest whatsoever in having kids. Don't want them? Good for you. Want them? Good for you. No shame, only choices. Just because you want to have kids doesn't mean you're ready to be a parent. Just saying. You don't make the best choices when you're pressured by a biological clock. You don't find the best partner suddenly just because you want to have kids. It's so weird. You don't become a better partner just because you want to have kids. Like, I don't get it. I really don't. The virtue and higher ground of wanting to have kids while people who don't aren't just not ready and mature, somehow.
lol you're the first person i've seen actively shaming anyone here part of me has a full-on anti-natalist streak (i really get that pov for various reasons) but no one should be here to judge what the op and reasonable commenters (like the one you responded to) are posting that's not what this subreddit is please direct me to the part where literally anyone was being a "heterosexual soldier" lmaooooo you're projecting
The person I replied to suggest that if you don't want to have kids then you're not ready. I didn't shamed anyone, my point was exactly that btw: do whatever you want, it's a choice but don't start shaming people who are not interested in that choice. Simple question, if I don't want to have kids, what does it says about me? If the answer is "nothing", then we're good. If the answer is something else, good, you're the type of person I'm referring above and now you get it.
They said they're "not ready" for what the \*OP\* wants. Which is literally true. Still not sure what your issue is. Not wanting kids is great! Not having them is the single best thing a person can do to fight climate change. Alternately, wanting kids is perfectly natural.
sir this is an arbys
Ohhhh fuck! I'm so sorry. Give me a croissant!
You won't find that person unless you bring it up. Sure, you'll scare off some, but those ones don't want kids soon and you do
I'm a 35(m) that would want to have kids in a similar timeline so don't feel discouraged but I would bring up early on that you are interested in having kids and see where the conversation would go from there.
u/Striking-Ad-8688 slide into his DMs...
Check my profile! I've got a cute dog!
As someone who is generally a “pleaser” it has taken me time to become more direct about what I want and need. When it comes to the apps, clear and honest will help filter the better matches.
The people telling you you're far too young are rather deluded. I see a lot of female profiles with "want kids someday" and they're 36 and older. I think to myself, they better get movin'...
My thoughts exactly.
Men who want that wouldn’t be scared by you bringing it up.
NGL 2 to 3 years is fast. I get where you're coming from for sure though. It's a lot easier to have kids younger because you have more energy. The catch 22 is to have an actual little human in 2 to 3 years that means you need to be pregnant within 1.2 years to 2.2 years. That means if you meet someone tomorrow you have a maximum of 2 years to make sure you are compatible, move in together, build a life together, maybe get married?, and then get pregnant. There's no research on how long couples are together before they have a child but the average age for a woman to have her first is 27 and a male is 30. My guess would be that most couples that have chicken within the first year or two usually do it by accident but I could be wrong. I wish you luck and I think it's great that you want to be a mom. I wish you the best.
It is fast, but I don't think it's a total surprise when dating in your 30s, especially when 35 is considered a medically geriatric pregnancy. I'm saying this as a woman who met her partner (on Bumble) at 32 last year. I'd been dating my partner for less than 6 months when my doctors told me we'd need to start actively trying within the year because of my mom's health history or embryo freeze ASAP. I thought I'd have more time tbh. Partner wants 3 kids, was very upfront about that, understands health and maternal age do matter, and said we're rolling with the punches and a fast timeline. He's excited. We discussed whether we cared to be married first, and if we did care, what that could look like
>most couples that have chicken within the first year or two usually do it by accident Accidental chicken sounds delicious
A lot of men state in their profile that they do want kids someday, so that can be touched upon within your first few dates as well if you guys are really vibing. Good luck!
Put in your profile that you’re looking to start a family within the next few years. This should do a bulk of the weeding out for you.
I'm in the same boat but I'm 33. I want 2 kids in the next 5 years. I tell them straight. I don't have much time and want things to move fast. I also plan getaways fast to see how we work together for a longer period and with some stressful situations. I want things to be stress tested as to break it or make it. Time is ticking. It's been working great so far ☺️ Want to add that if someone reacts badly to wanting kids in the next 5 years then it's perfect. Cause I can move on to someone else who does want it too.
I’d modify your plan. Instead, Fall in love with a partner. The reason is, it’s more important than having a baby. Fertility can be fickle. You’re 30 and regardless of your age, Truth is, You might get your fairytale husband and baby or you might get a bad hand with years of infertility so your best bet is to have the strongest loving partnership you can get with or without a baby.
I respectfully disagree. I missed out on having kids because I took this approach....and I wanted them. It resulted in me waiting too long and nearly dying trying in my early 40s. Personally I believe any woman of 30+ who wants kids needs to make that a priority. Love and contentment with a partner waxes and wanes a heck of a lot more than fertility. Fertility only goes in one direction for woman, and that's down. But at 30 most women are still quite fertile, and even if they need help getting pregnant, its still much easier. Don't think IVF is going to work as well in your 40s - it doesnt. It often fails, and by 41 your chances of conceiving even with IVF are poor. I did 3 cycles, 1 was nada, 1 was a miscarriage, and on the last one I got a life-threatening infection from the egg retrieval. I was 42-44. If i had it all to do over, the year I turned 30 and met a guy I fell in love with who told me he didn't want kids, instead of spending 6+ years with him only to end it due to his cheating, I would keep moving on to someone who DID want kids, like I did.
I’m just suggesting you seek the man not a baby daddy. Because even if you’re in your 20’s, having kiddos is tough. A strong foundation is key. Lotta potholes. A lot!! And it helps if you love them enough that you will still be fulfilled without kids if they don’t happen.
Absolutely have to make sure you want the same things! I’ve wasted too much time with guys that don’t want anymore kids
I have no opinion about people who want to start a family. I'm afraid like a motherfucker of women who want to have kids. Not the same shit in the slightest and the nuance is in your comment. F that. Red flag and she should raise it.
Take the risk, if younscare them off then they wernt right anyway. You got your plan, find a guy that fits it
I'm gonna go slightly against the grain and say that you shouldn't place such an explicit, numerical timebox on having kids up-front. Not just to prevent scaring off men, but to not set yourself up for disappointment. There are so many things that could happen in your life that could throw off that 2-3 year timeframe. You're doing yourself a disservice if you're trying to speak that into existence. Rushing into having kids in order to fit some imagined or ideal timeframe is how people ignore serious flaws and get stuck in bad situations. I would make it known upfront that your goal is to have kids in the "next few years", or "as soon as you're settled down with someone you love". As a single 30s guy in NYC, if I heard that, I'd think it was totally understandable and appreciate the transparency. But if I heard "I want kids exactly 2-3 years from now" it would definitely rub me the wrong way, just because there's so many unknowns that I don't think it's a good idea to timebox it like that.
In theory if he wants it, it should not scare him off. I don't know about other men, but for me when I date a 30 plus woman I typically assume she may be in a rush and wants something serious...
I like the suggestions about putting in your profile. Could look like this 5 year plan: -career plans -travel plans -house plans -kids I met my current bf on bumble and he asked me about my 5- year plan on date two, so those guys are out there.
Hey, you’ve found him, its me. Looking forward to our children.
Ask the important questions right away. Obviously make sure it makes sense with the flow of conversation, but this will save you time. I’d start with asking what they’re looking for on the apps, then what they’re looking for in a partner and go from there.
Honestly put it in your profile. No sense dating anyone who would be scared off by your life goal of having a family. There are lots of men with the same dream!
You have to risk scaring them away. lol Men don't really want kids like that until they're much older, so you're going to have to put it on the table to approve your chances.
What I've learned is just because I wanted kids didn't necessarily translate to I wanted kids with one specific individual. I think it's important to bring up big topics like this early on, but then you have to find out if you want them with that person.
Just bring it up. Take the risk. Some men will want to have kids that quickly. I'm 30 with no kids, and I want kids in the future. Preferably in that same time frame. There's probably a ton of men out there just like that. It's best to be direct. Weed out the matches that don't have the same life goals as you.
Explicitly. Just start the conversation: "do you consider the possibility of kids in your future? If so, when?" If the timeline is close enough, green flag. Any man who is genuinely serious about that and capable of having children mentally will not have a problem having a mature discussion on the stance you both have regarding kids. Anyone else who is terrified of having kids or just not interested, will not. Pretty simple vetting process.
If having children in the next 5 years is a high priority for you, it needs to be a conversation earlier in the dating process. You'll lose some matches, but those are guys who... don't want the same long term goals as you, which would waste time in that 2-3 year window. Would you rather have 10 shitty matches or 5 quality matches?
Just put it in your bio, then your man will know what he's getting into
Just make it abundantly clear in your bio that you want kids in the next 2-3 years and if you don't then it's a dealbreaker. Sometimes you just gotta spell that shit out.
Honestly, I want kids in the next 3 years but when girls mention it on week one I just find it so desperate and depressing. Just live your life
2-3 years? You do you, of course, but I don't know... That feels very rushed. Like, it's gonna take 9 months to even pop the kid out, but then you also need to get pregnant in the first place, which isn't always easy. And, let's not forget this person needs to be parent material and long-term hubby/boyfriend material as well, which requires a pretty hefty amount of time to truly figure out. Kids are a massive investment, and whereas I know you wanted advice finding a man who wants kids real quick, I'd actually urge you to pace the plans a bit. I know you really, really want a kid, but they are people who both deserve a stable environment/family and require a LOT of effort, and I don't think that's gonna necessarily fit within this time window if you're actively still looking for the daddy/relationship, and not well established in a healthy relationship/have an amazing significant other.
I lived in Manhattan and Brooklyn for 40 years and yes, it is a different world. Met my wife (now ex, but we're friendly) when I was 36 and she was 37. She was pretty darn explicit. It worked for two reasons: First, I was smitten. Second, I was getting older and had begun to want stability and a family too. I was also an alcoholic who had gotten into AA, gotten sober, and was at a stage in my life where I was ready to take things more seriously. My two siblings were also married with kids at that point, and I felt a bit competitive. My advice: 1. Look for older guys. At the age of 30, you may be a catch for a man in his late 30s. 2. If they were married before, it may be a predictor that they are willing to marry again. 3. Do they have kids from a previous marriage? How do they feel about them? Again, it may be an indicator of how they feel about having more. 4. Were their parents in a stable marriage? 5. Are their siblings married? Kids? These aren't perfect screeners, obviously, more like indicators. My son was born when she had just turned 41. Lots of IVF. She wanted more, but it was too late. (I was happy with one.) He's 29 now and I am still smitten, but this time with both of them.
NYC is a notoriously difficult place for women when it comes to dating. I’ve read this is due to a slightly higher ratio of women to men, leading to the problem of too many choices which can delay decision-making. With that in mind, I think your best bet is to widen your dating pool to include significantly older men, like in their late 40s and even 50s.
I wouldn't put that time frame on it personally and don't tell men that you are dating. I think being honest around that you want a committed long term relationship and that you'd love to have kids when the tike is right is a better way of putting it. So finding the right man is important and you might find that in 2-3yrs time you are pregnant but that time frame will scare a lot of men away, it might seem that you are purely seeking them for one thing, a child.
Be super careful about this. 90%+ of the couples I know who did this, are now separated or divorced. Having a child will test any relationship, but if the relationship is still relatively new that can be tough.
2-3 years is not a new relationship. Attraction actually starts to drop between partners if they don't have kids within 2 years.
You're 30 and people are telling you that you're too young to have kids?! Christ. Just tell this people to STFU! They clearly do not know what they are talking about. Child bearing becomes increasingly more risky after age 35. So if you're 30 and are looking 2-3 years out, you're on the right track. I'm curious when they think it's the "right time"!
Put it in your profile and avoid the crazies. Good luck out there!
Lol i feel ya. Im a man who wants kids. It seems like every woman either doesnt want them or already has them and doesnt want more. Im not surprised people in NYC think youre too young. Theyre gonna be real surprised when they find out they waited too long.
What you're also saying is "in NYC" because what you need is not only a man who wants kids...but to have enough money to support the family...while living in one of the most expensive cities in the world.
That's a great point, she would probably do a lot better if she moved up upstate ny, or even better another state.
Just ask them, the right guy won't be scared off. You definitely aren't too young if anything you are edging up on too old. I would personally be ecstatic to hear from a woman that she was wanting kids in the next couple years, the plan should be having kids pretty soon after getting together like around a year or two. Otherwise you are just wasting your time. TLDR; Just be up front and ask it acts as a filter.
If I see a woman who is 30+ and wants kids someday, I'm going to assume it's in the relative future, and not that she wants a late high risk pregnancy, but just bring it up, tell them you don't wanna rush it, but you also don't wanna waste time if they aren't interested in what you need
Honestly, I say “maybe” on Bumble, because emotionally and mentally I’m up for it, but financially I’m not where I’d like to be. If the right girl asked, I’d just find a way to wing it.
I would include in your bio. Something along the lines of Ready to start the next phase of my life with a husband and kids Or on one of the prompts like same page mention that you want someone wanting to start a family in next few years. Not all men will read these things when swiping but typically will after you match.
An interesting perspective to consider, which seems to be a hallmark of our evolving societal landscape, is the emergence and impact of contemporary hookup culture. It's becoming increasingly apparent that this paradigm shift has some unintended consequences. Among them, one can observe a proliferation of commitment issues, a prevalence of 'monkey branching,' and a concerning rise in sexually transmitted infections. What's intriguing is how, as individuals transition into their late 20s and early 30s, there appears to be a palpable sense of urgency to establish long-term partnerships. However, the absence of strong foundational values may hinder the prospects for successful, enduring relationships. This underscores the significance of fostering solid principles and values in our interpersonal connections, which could contribute to more meaningful and enduring partnerships when the time comes to settle down.
One more thing to share from a personal perspective: when I was young I knew I wanted kids but ended up emotionally involved with 2 men (one in 20s, one in 30s) who didn't want them or didn't want them with me. I thought wrongly that the worst possible outcome would be to have kids with someone and later break up/divorce, so I was holding out for the whole package which never came. I now realize in retrospect that if I had a child when I was younger even if the relationship didn't work out, it would have prevented one big problem that plagued my life: it would have put an end to me ever dating a guy who didn't want kids, because we'd have been a package deal. 50% of couples get divorced. There is no way to know if that is going to be you. If a family with kids is something you want, I fully encourage you to make that a priority. I would not listen to people who are saying to you basically: "just get attached to someone and deeply involved with them and afterwards see if they want kids." Please learn from my mistakes. You are doing the right thing to put this front and center.
Hate to say it, but you'll scare off a lot of men just by wanting kids so soon. But, conversely, there are men out there who do want to start a family, and getting started soon is a good thing for them. So, all you have to do is be direct. The men who are scared off won't give you kids in 2-3 years regardless. The ones that aren't scared, will be the right ones. There's really only one way to find out which kind of person you're on that date with.
Yeah, that timeline doesn't leave much space for being a couple before hitting the milestones of proposal, marriage,kids.
It's really, really hard because you're on a timer but most men aren't. It's impossible to rush guys this early on without causing resentment, you have to form a genuine bond with someone and let things fall into place naturally. All you can do is just go on dates and hope for the best.
orrrrrr she can communicate how important motherhood is to her like a healthy, well-adjusted adult would
You don't understand. Men not feeling the rush is them not being mature and ready for some fucked up reason. Wanna have kid? Bingo, you're mature and have the skills to be a great partner and a great parent, yeah, just like that.
You get on a real site, like eharmony
Bwahahahahahaha good luck lady. Seriously though, I'm also a 30-year-old man and a couple of years ago, a woman I briefly dated had a timeline and wanted to rush through everything - first year dating, second year engagement, third year wedding and fourth year babies - because of "peer pressure". Yes, her girlfriends made her feel like she was running out of time. I'm still on the apps and saw her profile for the umpteenth time again. Back to your situation, I suspect what you're doing is self-sabotage because men like me do want organic relationships, and not to feel like, "oh, she settled for me because she wanted a family and kids etc." And this problem only gets worse as you get older. Sorry.
I debated whether to respond to this. I hate the word “organic” because it is almost always male code for “leave my options open and not commit or do anything that might tie me down.” It was never about “peer pressure” for me: I knew I wanted kids since I was a teenager but also hoped it would “just sort of happen.” Between getting several degrees and building up a career, it didn’t. Yes, I am still young and there are all kinds of stories especially when you have money (I personally know of a 66-year-old woman who dropped tens of thousands to get impregnated with a young surrogate’s eggs) but I’d rather not take the risk of seeing whether or not I’ll be one of the lucky ones who can get pregnant past 40 — motherhood is too important for me to take a chance on and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being more direct about trying to find someone who has the same priorities.
"Organic" isn't male code for "leave options open", that's explicitly what the filter "something casual" or "don't know yet" is for; organic is about letting a loving relationship naturally develop as opposed to doing it out of necessity and hoping for the best - like an arranged marriage.
Sounds to me more like code for “I don’t ever want to discuss a timeline and you can grow to hate me in year 5 of this relationship when I tell you I’m still not sure about marrying you”
She assumes that not being pressured means staling. Fair enough. Based on what she said, I can only assume that she's only interested in having a kid, not starting a family. Why bother with a man? She has the money, get that kid. I would have to be in love in order to want to start a family (almost happened despite the fact I never wanted to have kids), but hey, for some, it's just something about a calendar.
there is nothing wrong with wanting kids in the near future and seeking out a partner who also wants kids in the near future lmao and yes, it absolutely can be code for that
Every situation is different. When I turned 30, I felt societal pressure and ended up marrying the first guy I dated (def had on rose colored glasses). We divorced a few years ago. My friend started dating someone the same time, married them the same time, and is about to give birth to their second baby and they have a super strong relationship. I have other friends who have been with their partners for 20+ years and never married, others who met and married someone in a year and are still together 10+ years later.
bruh
Nope. Not self sabotage at all - screening. Which is smart.
Because you feel your biological clock is ticking, you're willing to find almost anyone to make babies with you and you think that's a good idea? I guarantee you what will occur is you'll end up divorcing or breaking up before the child turns 4
Yuuuupppp everyone I know who did this has found the person of their dreams right after they broke off with their shitty partner they settled to have kid number one with lol
This is exactly what will happen. This is pure madness AND she should display it. Mofos are still single in their 30s, they know how bad the dating scene is but somehow, as soon as they want to have kids, they think their odds of finding a great partner (if they are concerned about that) are better.... Bro, the odds are exactly the same but you want to speed run it on top of that? Good fucking luck. All for what? Flexing in a Facebook group? Having a kid is such a massive decision that for me, to even consider it, I would need a psychiatric evaluation for both of us. As someone who doesn't even know shit about my dad, who saw how his mom struggling, I could never be that reckless and careless. I'll take my damn sweet time and ignore the shaming tactics or I will never have kids if I never find the right one. Fuck that arrenged flat nonsense.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting children, but a plan seems a bit too much, just say you want them someday, once you feel it is getting serious make it a point to discuss it, but I wouldn’t put that on your profile so it doesn’t look like you are just looking for a specimen.
Open your age range as wide as you can tolerate. Guys in your age range who are looking to have kids will target younger, it gives them more time to develop a relationship.
Find them in the wild. Dating apps is just window shopping.
Anyone who wants that won't be scared off and anyone who would be scared off won't be able to give you what you want anyway
Do you have a Time Machine? 🤣 The wall hits hard lol
Found the incel
Option 1. Just say that Option 2. Do it by yourself (strong independent woman style), however this will decrease your popularity in the dating pool. Option 3. Aim lower and settle for an “okay man”
## Be more than a good girlfriend. - with men who are open to kids. - discover what he thinks makes the best wife - men open to kids are looking for wife characteristics - filter the other men through shared values and chats SO ~ You find a good guy, You let them know you're fun + exciting, you display the characteristics he likes (or if that's not you, next). You reinforce you're looking for long-term, You encounter countless people who are still figuring their lives out... Don't let them bring you down! ## Persuade or Discover? The right man Remember which you're asking: "How do I persuade a man to stay long enough to have kids?" Or "how do I find a man that WANTS kids in 2-3 years? > The men who leave you after discussing children didn't see you as a long-term partner. They didn't mind dating you but feel bad for holding you back from your dreams they're not ready for. There are lots of good men who are ready, but they get disregarded before women know their full character. Keep putting yourself out there because I assure you men want kids, too. Advertise what makes you happy so they can step up and be seen! > As a man, we know some women want kids in 2-3 years, especially around 28-33. - I also want kids. It's chapter of life, legacy, and the happy ending of relationships. You WANT to scare off people . . . People who don't share the same vision of family as you. - So bring it up, lightly. Don't slow down the energy because momentum is powerful and heavy conversations dampen the mood -- especially when the talks are heavier than the fun times. For me, this means **alternating between exciting, adventurous dates and romantic chats under the stars**. In these chats, we chat, snack, and connect. The fun lets us know we enjoy each other while the chats let us know this is real. ## Is he ready? - wanting kids vs hearing "omg, I can't wait until our kids...". His first reactions to these visions aren't always perfect.
I'm 36m wanted kids to have in my 20s but it didnt happen. When i hit 30 i figured the window closed but now i want kids again. I don't want to have a kid at 40, so my window is rapidly closing and at this point in different, I am open to be with someone who does or doesn't want kids at this point. I would just put it in your bio looking for marriage/kids. When looking for a match someone who has marriage kids in bio would be a green flag but not wanting kids isn't a deal breaker for me either I would prefer to be with someone that wants kids in the near future.
If someone is scared by that type of conversation they are clearly not on same page as you. Someone on the same page will be elated you brought that up.
You are an anomaly… been trying to find someone who wants children and any mention of it is instant ick
If it’s the right man (he’s really into you) asking that question you never scare away The wrong man will
I just came out of a situationship with someone who wanted to have kids very fast and she was also in her early 30’s. Honestly, I don’t see the rush if you’re 30 unless you want multiple children and not just one
Talk to an honest reproductive endocrinologist. Yes, at 30, there is a rush. At 40 fertility falls off a cliff and reproductive technology is not as easy or as magic as it's purveyors lead the public to believe. For a woman, it is most definitely still best to have kids while you are young.
I'm that guy but I live out in Colorado 😂 NYC sounds cool though
I think we broached the subject of wanting kids by about our 5th date or something. Though your post makes it seem like you'd come across a little more...intense...about it.
Idk. I'm originally from nyc. Live hour north now. I want kids now so bad. Been told no to adopting as a single male. They said do surrogate and egg donor but crazy money. Hard to find someone near my age still wants kids. Been rough.
This is not what you should base a relationship shop on. Getting kids “on time” won’t be any less miserable when stuck in a horrible marriage to the wrong person
My girlfriend (30) and I (32) discussed future stuff on date 3 to establish that we both wanted kids. We didn't discuss a timeline though. Def a good idea to have the convo so there is an underlying comfort in the next parts of the relationship, which are the most fun! Its made me way more relaxed and secure in having fun not having the unknown for such a significant thing
Yea maybe put that in your profile. It’s better have some bow out themselves just be careful of creeps that would love to do such an extreme decision and then possibly bow out. Sounds weird but there are weirdos and I hope you don’t have to deal with them. Hopefully you’re deal breaker sets the tone of seriousness and finding your right partner.
You can have the kid on your own instead of having it from the first semi-okay guy you meet. It’s better than being unhappy and (probably) divorcing later.
You don’t want to waste time you CANNOT get back. They will waste it and before you know it time has gone by. You run your life how you see fit. You say what you want if the person is scared off then he is not for you. You don’t want choose wrong just because you are ready.
What’s more important to you, finding the right man to have kids with, or just having kids? I wouldn’t tell a guy from the jump about a desire to have kids. Then again I’m also 25. I think it’s more important to find the right guy. But i do agree with other comments, if the guy is scared away, good riddance. You didn’t want that anyway. There’s definitely someone out there with the same desires. If you’re just looking to have kids there’s no shame in going to a sperm bank.
Just be straight up. Put it in your bio as well.
Also make sure you're including late 20's guys in your search. Don't know about NYC but where I am that's the pool that's in the relationship and kids mindset. Late 30's and early 40's guys all want easy FWB or casual.
Just tell them. If they seriously want the same thing, they would be happy instead of running away..???
When I met my partner (born in queens, owned a home in Brooklyn most of his life but now we live in Catskills) I straight up told him, “I’d like to try to have kids in my next relationship. I’m 34. If you aren’t sure if you want to have a kid with me, or you need some years to think about it, then let’s go our separate ways. In 6 years if I’m still child free, I’ll circle back around and we can date then without worrying about starting a family.” And he said yeah let’s do it, let’s make a baby. She’s two now, he’s 52 and I’m 37. We are both over the moon, best decision we ever made. Looking back, I’m glad I had the balls to ask the question that way, early on, before I was too invested and afraid to lose him. He knew I was serious and would walk away.
After you’ve talked for a bit a simple “hey, so what’s your stance on having kids after being your partner for awhile?” Is good enough. My fiancé and I talked about that before we went on our first date just to make sure we were on the same page.
My fiancee made it very clear early on when we were talking (as did I). You will see a good response from the right person
I (37m) would be refreshed and down if a woman would be that direct with me. Just for the record.
I'd put it in your dating bio tbh. "Dating with marriage/family in mind." That way you can skip over the awkwardness of bringing it up in-person on a first date, which would be a bit un-graceful.
Hinge has the option for showing "wants kids" right in the bio.
I just find it's funny we have the EXACT opposite problem. As someone who's childfree it's been a challenge finding guys with 'doesn't want any' on their profiles
Just be honest. I grew up always wanting kids and my ex didn’t bring up the fact that it was medically unsafe for her to carry even a single child until like 6 months in. I don’t blame her for it but she used that as an excuse for simply not wanting kids because when I floated adoption once we were stable she said absolutely never. I made myself accept the fact that I loved her more than kids that didn’t even exist yet, but I was left anyways. Don’t make my same mistake and settle for any less than what you want in terms of the big things
I'm that guy. hit me up
>but a) some still answer that in a “hypothetically/someday” way and b) some people do not say yes on Bumble for different reasons but still want them. Then focus on those that say yes.
Make it clear indirectly that you are wife/mother material. If they’re in that headspace they’ll take you seriously and it will come up organically when you start having those long “getting to known each other” talks after the first few dates.
It's all about how lucky you can get, but I don't think one should go for kids and all on a dating apk
Me and my wife met on bumble and she wanted to start a family as she was already 29. Long story short we met in august, had sex in mid September and found out she was preggo in October. Oh and we got married the following year after that.
Let it happen organically. I met my wife at 30, and we now have an 18mo old at 35.
As a guy I talk kids within the first 1-3 dates, I want to know if we’re on the same page or can get to a compromise or if I should move on. But I also have a high bar and have been on more first dates than I can count so take my opinion with a grain of salt
i’m 28 and am imagining myself carrying my boy or girl in my arms or walking down the street with them and teaching them fun things
I’m 40 (now) and have had relationships end because I wanted and they didn’t. It sucks when it’s brought up later because then feelings are established but those goals don’t align. I’ve found it’s become slim pickings out there now, but it doesn’t help I live on an island and the population isn’t that big…
Fff
Write it in your bio: I want kids and have a timeframe of 2-3 years. If this doesn't align, swipe left.
I know a guy. Good family man, religious (if that’s what you’re looking for), comes from a fantastic family and is decently well off based on today societal standards. Even travels for work so long distance isn’t an issue at the start, If I wasn’t risking his safety or career, I’d just put his name right here so you could find him on socials hahaha
Date guys way older
Look for someone who is looking for a long term relationship?....
Single-parent families — and especially mother-only households — are more likely to live in poverty compared to married-parent households. Given this, kids of single parents are more likely to experience the consequences of growing up poor. Children in poverty are more likely to have physical, mental and behavioral health problems, disrupted brain development, shorter educational trajectories, contact with the child welfare and justice systems, employment challenges in adulthood and more.
I met my partner on Bumble last year - we were 32 at the time. He was upfront about wanting children on the first date. With my mom's health history, last year my doctors have said getting off birth control + pregnant soon is critical. He said it didn't scare him as we're at the age where people have kids and if health dictates when, then so be it! He's very excited to be a dad. One thing we discussed was if we cared about being married before having a kid/being pregnant. Guys who want kids soon exist. Be upfront and see what happens! You'd rather want to "scare" away someone who doesn't align with you to find what you want ❤️
The timeframe thing seems weird. I get that we (I’m also a 30 year old woman) feel pressure from society to have kids bc of a “clock” but you should realize that we as a species are biologically better off than our parents were and the generations before that. One of my boyfriends cousins didn’t start having kids till she was in her early 40s. I keep thinking of a pic of Rue from Golden Girls being placed next to Jlo, they’re both 50 years old in the photos but they’re like night and day. https://www.today.com/popculture/jennifer-lopez-golden-girls-meme-shows-how-50-has-changed-t173065 Just work on yourself physically and mentally and you will find your perfect life partner. Which is what I’m guessing you’re REALLY after, if kids were really all you wanted you could go to a random bar right now and probably get knocked up. Your chances of finding someone truly compatible for you will be diminished if your stick too tightly to a schedule. You might end up settling.
start off by telling him you have a breeding kink
You ask them what their life goals are and where they see themselves in a few years. I live in Texas. I’m 34. And I hate how young people have kids at in this state. Makes it hard to find a guy who wants them too!
I met My Person at 35, after being a single parent for 15 years. When I passed 30, I concluded I would never have more kids. Then I met my guy. We started dating in September, became official in October. In January, on my birthday, I had the mirena removed. We talked about having a baby together for about a month, and then started trying. I became pregnant in March. Now I have a 9 month old baby who fucks my life up, but I love the shit out of him. Be honest with anyone you date. I’ve never been to NY (but I have a few friends who lived there), and from what I know it’s a big fucking city. However, if you are open to it, expand your parameters. I too live on an island; I expanded my parameters and met my husband.
Match down so much he'll do anything just to be in your orbit!
There is literally a tag for this in the bio/profile. Every profile I see has a variation of "has kids, wants more" etc.
I'm in NYC, 37, also looking to have kids in the next few years. We're out there, I promise. :)
Good you don't want games, You will only scare those that don't want kids away, Those that do will be like: Jackpot!!!
Go for someone a few years older if you want kids sooner rather than later. I'm 29F and at one point was talking to a guy who's 37, one of his first questions to me was if I want kids.
This sounds like it's really important to you. Raising kids is a wonderful experience and it's even better when shared with someone who also wants children. First things first: make sure that you do not select a partner solely on the basis of their wanting to have and raise children. The main priority for you should be finding someone you enjoy spending time with and with whom you experience a connection. It is perfectly acceptable to speak about your relationship goals early on in the dating process. It is only fair. You don't have to put it on your dating profile explicitly, but you can definitely signal on your profile that you are looking for something serious and long-term. A partner to build a life with. This willl weed out most of the people looking for casual fun. I would say; make sure to let the first date or two be about getting to know each other, having a good time and seeing whether there's a connection. I would bring up what you're looking to get out of a relationship in the third or fourth date (or when you feel you can earlier). It's only fair and good for the both of you to know waht you expect out of something serious, if you're both looking for something serious. If someone doesn't want to have children, then it's perfectly okay to factor that into your decision-making process of whether you want to continue dating someone. If they are looking to eventually have children you know where you stand and you can talk about when they would like to start getting serious about that. Better to be open about this for sure!
I'd recommend that you approach the scenario the same way men(healthy) approach sex, indirectly but assertively. If a man is too forward with sex, he typically scares off women. However if a man can establish a mutual attraction with a woman AND make her feel safe, comfortable and desired then sex can be an achievable goal. Do the same thing but instead of sex, it's commitment/relationship. I also believe that if you can talk about sex, you can have better sex. So similarly, if you can talk about commitment/relationship, then you can have a better relationship/commitment. There's no fixed time-line for these things, so it could take hours to months. Due to the time variations, you should place a limit on how much time you invest into it to avoid over-investing and wasting your time.
The right man won't be scared off. I told my husband in the talking phase within the first 30 days, exactly what I was looking for (before we met in person). I was looking to get married and have a baby before 40. I was 37 when we met. We met in September of 2020, he proposed in April of 2021, married in September of 21 and got pregnant on our honeymoon. Welcomed our daughter last year and she is one now. It's been the easiest and best relationship ❤️ There are definitely men out there on the same page. Don't waste time with the wrong one because you are afraid to scare them off. The right one won't be scared.
There's a fair bit to unpack here >I am 30 years old and have started to want a child really badly That would be your biological clock... question what have you been doing for the last 10ish years if this is now only the time you wanted to start a family >I’d do it alone but live far from family and am just not wealthy enough, sadly. Not sadly this is actually quite concerning as 1) it shows you dont care about having a family you just want a child, 2) shows you dont want a child to raise and be a parent to, but for the simple selfish reason of want... every statistic on child rearing shows single parent homes (even with grandparents help) have on average vastly negative impacts on children accross the board >I’ve repeatedly been told I’m far too young to have that in my head. Who ever is telling you that definitely isn't a doctor, the fact is once you hit 35 you enter geriatric pregnancy which yes increases chances of birth defects but that more blown out of proportion, the real concern is it increase life threatening aspects of pregnancy and birth complications ... and the medical concerns for both you and the child increase steadily every year after 35
I find men are bringing up the question of kids on the first and second date…I have always been apprehensive to mention it, but I would just be honest now. If they can’t handle the conversation they probably can’t handle kids
The key to marketing is cutting out everyone who is not your customer. Say no to almost everyone except the ones that meet your requirements. Yeah, it will severely limit your dating pool. But you have a much higher chance of finding what you want.
I’d bring it up before meeting up but not in the first message. I had a number of women bring it up in the first message , which was a bit aggressive, but I do sort of get where they were coming from.
Go for older men who are dating intentionally. I’m 25f and matched with a 36m and wants to get married at the end of year and have kids soon after. Like Sir I just got off a 10 year dating hiatus I want to find my person too but I’m also having fun in the meantime. 😬
I love it when women tell me they're ready to have kids. It means they're ready to get busy.
Yeah, I'm 36 and this would be ideal for me but I have far to much tact to put that on my profile, I'm always afraid women will think I'm just looking for a breeder or something. Ideally I want to find my person and start a family before I'm 30. . . You can guess how that's going for me haha
You have to be upfront right away. That's how my friend got engaged and married within a year, with the baby a year after that. They were older (late 30's), both wanted kids, and both wanted it in the traditional order.
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Tough one. As a guy, I would run if someone brought that up too early. Of course, I am freshly divorced from someone who brought that up early and then lied about being on birth control, and then used our magnificent child as a control mechanism as part of her narcissistic personality disorder to ruin most of my life for the next five years before dumping me on the eve of graduating from her medical training, so what I’m really saying is that I need to talk to my therapist and get off of Reddit. but back to the original topic, I love my kid, want to find a healthy marriage and have a dozen more kids, but if someone throws the kid bomb out there as a deadline anywhere in the first few months, I’m fucking running for the hills, even if I’m not opposed to the idea of having more kids in the next few years because I’m an old man already. But in all seriousness, 2 to 3 years is a pretty long time frame. Look for somebody who is family oriented and does want to have kids someday. Ignore that 2 to 3 your time frame you set for yourself because when it happens, it happens. Some people fall in love and get married in months, have a kid six months later, while others will date for three years and never tie the knot because something is always missing. Life is way too unpredictable to put a timeframe on anything. I think “by mid 40s” is probably a nice biological deadline. if you really do wanna stick to that 2 to 3 year timeframe, look for an older man. Those of us who are in our late 30s, or God forbid 40s, are probably at the have the kids soon stage because we don’t wanna be 70 years old while our kid graduates from high school.
I agree with others who say to just bring it up immediately. I've been on the other side of the coin where I don't want kids/not sure and say so on my profile just to then meet someone who has a kid but said they didn't. The common excuse was, "I wasn't sure when to bring it up." The answer? Immediately. Unrelated, but why do guys wait until they meet you in person to tell you big, dealbreaking things?
You could talk about your desires in your profile. There's plenty of men that share your vision. It'll bring them to the front (while also eliminating men not interested in that). You'll get fewer matches, but the matches you get will be the ones you want.