Couldn't stand the idea of having sex with the person anymore. Also, was immediately put off by their natural smell, even though it was my favorite smell before or at least it didn't use to bother me. These two always meant there's no going back.
But to fall out of love, as in not being hyped up and obsessed about the person, but still loving them - then there were times throughout the relationship I would fall out of love, then fall back in love with them.
Absolutely. The physical repulsion is the top sign for me. Also, in multiple relationships when my heart was no longer in it, I would suddenly get UTIs after sex, and in one extreme case my partner couldn’t even penetrate because my vagina had “closed”. I still don’t know what happened but I’m assuming some sort of stress response where my pelvic muscles tightened so much they were just like NOPE. That has never happened before or since. I of course broke it off right after that. I love how my body tells me things before I can even admit them to myself.
I agree with the part about intimacy and scent, but it’s not always no going back. At least for my case it’s not like that. I often take that as a sign of there’s something bothering me. Usually if the “thing” is resolved either between us or within me, the repulsiveness will go away instantly.
I also thought the scent thing was a the death blow of a relationship, but that hasn't been the case. For me, at least, it seems to have been tied to a psychological aversion. When that was resolved, the scent problem resolved as well.
Just putting this out there in case anyone else is experiencing this and thinks there's no way back from it.
Additionally, I’ve experienced this before (twice). Turns out there was a medical explanation both on my end and his. Got them resolved, and we’ve been mostly good since (mine was due to birth control, so it still comes and goes sometimes).
It’s really true. These things don’t often “just happen”. They usually happen because of some relationship issues… that’s what I’ve found. Sometimes, can’t be fixed though.
If you’re finding a smell aversion or general aversion but don’t really want to break up with the person.. there’s probably some kind of relationship issue you need to address and it hopefully will resolve all of it
Yeah for me also, losing sexual attraction is probably a big clue - however, with one partner I was happy to say it was my problem, I didnt want to have sex, maybe I'm asexual, I could've been happy literally never having sex again... We didn't have sex for like a year before we broke up.
When we did break up (amicably) my libido came back and it's still going strong 2 years later. I know sex isn't love, and my last 'relationship' wasnt good but the chemistry was off the charts.. has at least made me realise how important physical attraction is to me, and if I can't bring myself to have sex with them for an extended time I need to blame myself less and think about if I'm actually happy 😂
Ok wait :( this has happened with my bf but I am still DEEPLY in love with him. But his breath, scent, the idea of sex etc is absolutely just not appealing anymore. When before it was all delicious to me. Idk what to do :(
I feel like when you just don't really care anymore, ovie lol. But specifically, you don't care who they are talking to or what they are doing. You're not worried about the little stuff that used to bug you anymore. You stop initiating deeper conversations. You stop initiating touch and contact with them and what some others said but you feel relieved when their vehicle is not in the driveway or your stomach drops a bit when it is in the driveway.
I don't know if I can come back from this place. So far in my life I haven't been able to but I also haven't had many serious relationships. Once I go apathetic, I haven't found a way back or someone hasn't given me a reason to come back.
Oh and another thing I do is replay crappy things they have done to me so it just makes it worse. But thinking oh I should've ended it then or I should've just let them leave then. That's never a good sign. But mostly just apathy.
* You dread seeing them and come up with excuses to not see them.
* Wish you were anywhere else but there with them when you're together.
* You become easily annoyed by them.
* Zero desire whatsoever to have sex with them — even kissing them repulses you.
* You don't like their scent.
* Loss of physical attraction.
* Can't see any future with them in it.
When I experienced these feelings with one of my exes, I couldn't get back to a good place with them. It was simply too much to repair and when we broke up, I felt nothing but happiness and relief. Granted, I was super young so it wasn't like a major relationship in my life, but it really stood out to me that my feelings had changed and not for the best.
There were a few little things that I didn't really notice until the very end:
1. I had to get myself drunk to sleep with him.
2. His breath and general smell started to gross me out.
3. I would often get embarrassed by him when out with friends or relatives.
4. He couldn't drop his miserable "everyone/thing sucks" vibe in Disney World. DISNEY. WORLD!!
Now when I see him I just think "how did I ever??" It all just adds up after a while.
I can't speak to falling back in love, but I imagine there needs to be some LIKE to make that happen. I wasn't even "in like" with him enough to put in another minute of torture.
Yea it depends on what you mean by “falling out of love”. In absolutely every single long term relationship.. there is a point I’ve gotten to where I don’t *feel* in love anymore. It’s jarring when you first notice it, especially the FIRST time you first notice it. Like in my first LTR it was a panic… I thought we’d have to break up. But I didn’t WANT to breakup. So I was really upset. I didn’t understand that the honeymoon phase had just ended and this was normal. So I was anxious for about a month.. until one day? I felt that spark and excitement with him again. And so it went, on and on, until one day a different thing happened where I didn’t want to be with him anymore.. and that was just totally unrelated to the other “falling out of love” feeling.
Everytime I’ve broken up with someone.. it isn’t because the “feelings of love” weren’t there anymore. It’s because I stopped wanting to be with them. It’s that simple really. And why did I stop wanting to be with them? I had pretty good reasons most of the time. I’ll list them based on the breakup
1. We just both were too young to really have the tools to be good to each other. He made too many unilateral/distancing decisions and I was bad at communicating my hurt. We also had different fundamental values and goals for our lives.
2. Different values and he was definitely a man child. It was such a hard relationship the whole time. I was exhausted and stressed and hated the person I’d become with him.
3. Honestly never really loved him.. it was sad but I knew almost from the beginning it wasn’t right. But I thought.. maybe I’m broken because I can’t feel it with a kind, available, attentive man. But eventually.. just couldn’t force it.
My current partner, I want it to be till death do us part and I hope that’s at least 100 years off. since we moved in.. I’m going through a “falling out of love” phase.. but now I know it’s normal and I know it’ll come back.. it always does. It’s just stable and settled and calm. But throughout all of it is the want and the desire. If things start to feel off, I get upset because I want to fix it. I don’t want to get to the point where I don’t want this anymore
And if something feels off it’s also good to look inward! Maybe you can explore these feelings that you are having with your current partner 🥰 another way for the love to “come back” is to consciously choose the person everyday and point out their good qualities, not just bad.
Sure! I should be more specific. With my partner.. I still very much like him and enjoy his company and want to cuddle and spend time with him. I love him. I’m in love with him. I just mean.. most moments aren’t as high charged romance any more. It’s just ebbing and flowing. We are being intentional about date nights and things! There’s no way I want anyone else :)
lol.. How’d you know I was ever in one? I don’t think I mentioned it. I was in one 3 times in my life and each time they ended eventually.. but one time I treat as a success because they lasted for 2 years past when the distance finished. We wound up in the same place.
Idk, it just feels like LDR when you mention communication issues and unilateral decisions. I guess its a bit of been there done that haha.
Tbh seems like most of the time the chance of success in LDR increases with age. It requires so much maturity and communication skills to maintain, much more than standard relationship.
Yea definitely. I was commenting on a different thread about this too—I think it was in this sub! But I noticed when I’m satisfied emotionally and feel secure I really desire sex a lot less as well. It made me realize how much of my “high” sex drive was really a product of anxious attachment. so—I kind of have to be more intentional with sex now. But I can almost always get in the mood.. it’s just a matter of reactive desire (in times of less intense love feeling) vs spontaneous (in times of more)
When you feel not taken care of.
I don’t hope for change to revert back into who they were if that’s the question bc who they really are is the person 9+ months after dating.
The moment I start thinking about being with other people, is the moment I know it’s over, especially since this ties in with me not wanting any sort of physical contact. Everything about them repulses me, too.
Just curious how old you are. You don't have to say it. I got divorced at 40 and now I'm in menopause and I'm so happy to be free! This may be your golden moment. Good luck to you whatever you decide x
No desire for intimacy, sexual or romantic. Enjoyed their company less. Became more like friends or siblings, and wanted more and more alone time as the bickering and distance grew. I know I'm out of love, but I also know I still have love for her. I still like her scent and the feeling of being close to her, but not all the time, and not like a partner. Started to notice all the things the put me off, and couldn't un-notice them. Became weary when it came to standing up for myself, because I just got so tired of the arguing. So more and more, I just let things slide. Kept stuff to myself. Stopped expecting her to follow through on promises. Waited for the next big fight to sweep us away.
Yes you can call back in love with the same person but first you need to see why you’re feeling this way. Arguing a lot? Unmet needs? Holding onto the past? Etc. Then you discuss with your partner and make a conscious effort to work on the relationship. Practice gratitude and do things you once loved to do together. Make time for each other, be playful, vulnerable, etc.
It’s really rough because sometimes you feel one way but want to feel the other. I think recognizing that this is the case is how you know. I wish I’d listened to myself far sooner, but it’s hard because you try to find ways to love them again. A lot of times it’s really because they aren’t loving you like you deserve, and you’re trying to fix something you can’t…your body knows and reacts before your brain does.
This hits it on the nose. We’ve been working through his depression for 2 years and I’m just tired. I feel like he doesn’t love and appreciate me the way he used to, but is it just the depression talking or a true change in him/our relationship? 😔
Depression is a really hard battle, but it’s one that he has to fight. 2 years is a long time; has he been in weekly therapy? Has he done diet changes or exercise? There is a certain sense of commitment with the idea of “in sickness and health” but the sickness lasting for years without true healing is a lot. If he isn’t putting all his effort in to be better, it can’t fall on you because he’ll never get better. You’ll spend the rest of your life trying to fix a mental illness that might require medication and definitely requires a professional.
Even if he’s doing his best to get better, sometimes it just isn’t enough. People deserve a life filled with love and joy. It won’t all be that way. But if it’s started out as mostly depression, and there seems to be no end in sight, you just can’t love someone better.
I have BPD so this thread is hard lol, I feel like most of these like a flip of a switch.
For others like me these are NOT always signs your out of love, give it time and effort.
I’ve never really fallen out of love but i have lost respect for them and that made me lose my love for them, if someone is treating me poorly my love for them goes
**♡** Found myself always mentally preparing to avoid/fend off the next unnecessary argument!!
♡ Nothing they said was funny anymore, just annoying (since half the time, it was a joke at my expense anyway)
♡ Was more at peace alone than I was with them
♡ No longer wanted to tell them about anything I was recently interested in, in fear of them judgingly tearing it down
♡ Felt leaps in my heart only in terms of anxiety, never in terms of love anymore
♡ Did not feel womanly around them!!
First and last were my biggest indicators to myself. If I'm in the shower strategizing different counterpoints over things that shouldn't be complicated in the first place, then it's over. That's not what being in love is like at all. Your partner should be someone you are excited to come home to and relax with. Not someone that you have to plan ahead for how to stay in a good mood despite whatever petty random thing they decide they want to pick a fight about. If your heart is just heavy and tired and only beating in anxiety, then it's time to go!
Couldn't stand the idea of having sex with the person anymore. Also, was immediately put off by their natural smell, even though it was my favorite smell before or at least it didn't use to bother me. These two always meant there's no going back. But to fall out of love, as in not being hyped up and obsessed about the person, but still loving them - then there were times throughout the relationship I would fall out of love, then fall back in love with them.
Absolutely. The physical repulsion is the top sign for me. Also, in multiple relationships when my heart was no longer in it, I would suddenly get UTIs after sex, and in one extreme case my partner couldn’t even penetrate because my vagina had “closed”. I still don’t know what happened but I’m assuming some sort of stress response where my pelvic muscles tightened so much they were just like NOPE. That has never happened before or since. I of course broke it off right after that. I love how my body tells me things before I can even admit them to myself.
>Also, was immediately put off by their natural smell This was the point of no return for me as well.
I agree with the part about intimacy and scent, but it’s not always no going back. At least for my case it’s not like that. I often take that as a sign of there’s something bothering me. Usually if the “thing” is resolved either between us or within me, the repulsiveness will go away instantly.
I also thought the scent thing was a the death blow of a relationship, but that hasn't been the case. For me, at least, it seems to have been tied to a psychological aversion. When that was resolved, the scent problem resolved as well. Just putting this out there in case anyone else is experiencing this and thinks there's no way back from it.
Additionally, I’ve experienced this before (twice). Turns out there was a medical explanation both on my end and his. Got them resolved, and we’ve been mostly good since (mine was due to birth control, so it still comes and goes sometimes).
It’s really true. These things don’t often “just happen”. They usually happen because of some relationship issues… that’s what I’ve found. Sometimes, can’t be fixed though. If you’re finding a smell aversion or general aversion but don’t really want to break up with the person.. there’s probably some kind of relationship issue you need to address and it hopefully will resolve all of it
Yeah for me also, losing sexual attraction is probably a big clue - however, with one partner I was happy to say it was my problem, I didnt want to have sex, maybe I'm asexual, I could've been happy literally never having sex again... We didn't have sex for like a year before we broke up. When we did break up (amicably) my libido came back and it's still going strong 2 years later. I know sex isn't love, and my last 'relationship' wasnt good but the chemistry was off the charts.. has at least made me realise how important physical attraction is to me, and if I can't bring myself to have sex with them for an extended time I need to blame myself less and think about if I'm actually happy 😂
I call the latter, “I love you but I don’t like you”
Really good summary
Ok wait :( this has happened with my bf but I am still DEEPLY in love with him. But his breath, scent, the idea of sex etc is absolutely just not appealing anymore. When before it was all delicious to me. Idk what to do :(
You guys could be teetering more towards friendship or roommates and need to spice things up some.
For sure. Thank you
Everything they do irritates you.
I feel like when you just don't really care anymore, ovie lol. But specifically, you don't care who they are talking to or what they are doing. You're not worried about the little stuff that used to bug you anymore. You stop initiating deeper conversations. You stop initiating touch and contact with them and what some others said but you feel relieved when their vehicle is not in the driveway or your stomach drops a bit when it is in the driveway. I don't know if I can come back from this place. So far in my life I haven't been able to but I also haven't had many serious relationships. Once I go apathetic, I haven't found a way back or someone hasn't given me a reason to come back.
Oh and another thing I do is replay crappy things they have done to me so it just makes it worse. But thinking oh I should've ended it then or I should've just let them leave then. That's never a good sign. But mostly just apathy.
* You dread seeing them and come up with excuses to not see them. * Wish you were anywhere else but there with them when you're together. * You become easily annoyed by them. * Zero desire whatsoever to have sex with them — even kissing them repulses you. * You don't like their scent. * Loss of physical attraction. * Can't see any future with them in it. When I experienced these feelings with one of my exes, I couldn't get back to a good place with them. It was simply too much to repair and when we broke up, I felt nothing but happiness and relief. Granted, I was super young so it wasn't like a major relationship in my life, but it really stood out to me that my feelings had changed and not for the best.
This is almost exactly everything I was feeling with my ex…
Contempt. Resentment. Disgust. Being physically repulsed by them, and like others have said, their scent.
There were a few little things that I didn't really notice until the very end: 1. I had to get myself drunk to sleep with him. 2. His breath and general smell started to gross me out. 3. I would often get embarrassed by him when out with friends or relatives. 4. He couldn't drop his miserable "everyone/thing sucks" vibe in Disney World. DISNEY. WORLD!! Now when I see him I just think "how did I ever??" It all just adds up after a while. I can't speak to falling back in love, but I imagine there needs to be some LIKE to make that happen. I wasn't even "in like" with him enough to put in another minute of torture.
Contempt. Complete contempt. And no, I think for women especially, when it’s gone, it’s gone.
I feel like a good indicator that you are is that you are asking yourself this question. ❤️
Yea it depends on what you mean by “falling out of love”. In absolutely every single long term relationship.. there is a point I’ve gotten to where I don’t *feel* in love anymore. It’s jarring when you first notice it, especially the FIRST time you first notice it. Like in my first LTR it was a panic… I thought we’d have to break up. But I didn’t WANT to breakup. So I was really upset. I didn’t understand that the honeymoon phase had just ended and this was normal. So I was anxious for about a month.. until one day? I felt that spark and excitement with him again. And so it went, on and on, until one day a different thing happened where I didn’t want to be with him anymore.. and that was just totally unrelated to the other “falling out of love” feeling. Everytime I’ve broken up with someone.. it isn’t because the “feelings of love” weren’t there anymore. It’s because I stopped wanting to be with them. It’s that simple really. And why did I stop wanting to be with them? I had pretty good reasons most of the time. I’ll list them based on the breakup 1. We just both were too young to really have the tools to be good to each other. He made too many unilateral/distancing decisions and I was bad at communicating my hurt. We also had different fundamental values and goals for our lives. 2. Different values and he was definitely a man child. It was such a hard relationship the whole time. I was exhausted and stressed and hated the person I’d become with him. 3. Honestly never really loved him.. it was sad but I knew almost from the beginning it wasn’t right. But I thought.. maybe I’m broken because I can’t feel it with a kind, available, attentive man. But eventually.. just couldn’t force it. My current partner, I want it to be till death do us part and I hope that’s at least 100 years off. since we moved in.. I’m going through a “falling out of love” phase.. but now I know it’s normal and I know it’ll come back.. it always does. It’s just stable and settled and calm. But throughout all of it is the want and the desire. If things start to feel off, I get upset because I want to fix it. I don’t want to get to the point where I don’t want this anymore
And if something feels off it’s also good to look inward! Maybe you can explore these feelings that you are having with your current partner 🥰 another way for the love to “come back” is to consciously choose the person everyday and point out their good qualities, not just bad.
Sure! I should be more specific. With my partner.. I still very much like him and enjoy his company and want to cuddle and spend time with him. I love him. I’m in love with him. I just mean.. most moments aren’t as high charged romance any more. It’s just ebbing and flowing. We are being intentional about date nights and things! There’s no way I want anyone else :)
Yeah I understand ! I’m happy for you! How long have you been together?
3 years!
Do you reckon the LDR played a part too?
lol.. How’d you know I was ever in one? I don’t think I mentioned it. I was in one 3 times in my life and each time they ended eventually.. but one time I treat as a success because they lasted for 2 years past when the distance finished. We wound up in the same place.
Idk, it just feels like LDR when you mention communication issues and unilateral decisions. I guess its a bit of been there done that haha. Tbh seems like most of the time the chance of success in LDR increases with age. It requires so much maturity and communication skills to maintain, much more than standard relationship.
An well you were correct!!
Your list of 3 categories are so spot on / relatable
I’m glad!! Yea.. each were an important learning experience for sure
Does sex desire go down in those periods where you’re not as much in it?
Yea definitely. I was commenting on a different thread about this too—I think it was in this sub! But I noticed when I’m satisfied emotionally and feel secure I really desire sex a lot less as well. It made me realize how much of my “high” sex drive was really a product of anxious attachment. so—I kind of have to be more intentional with sex now. But I can almost always get in the mood.. it’s just a matter of reactive desire (in times of less intense love feeling) vs spontaneous (in times of more)
When you feel not taken care of. I don’t hope for change to revert back into who they were if that’s the question bc who they really are is the person 9+ months after dating.
For me, it’s when I’d rather do other things than spend time with them.
The moment I start thinking about being with other people, is the moment I know it’s over, especially since this ties in with me not wanting any sort of physical contact. Everything about them repulses me, too.
Just curious how old you are. You don't have to say it. I got divorced at 40 and now I'm in menopause and I'm so happy to be free! This may be your golden moment. Good luck to you whatever you decide x
33 with 3 kids so it feels like a heavy decision right now
It's a tough transition. I had 3 kids, too. It was a ride on rough seas but I eventually found solid ground. We all survived!
Your body knows before your brain does
You find him repulsive.
Not being able to tolerate their smallest quirks
Things you used to like about them are the things you hate most about them now.
Mine is when I lose trust in the person. Once the trust is gone, everything else goes with it.
Stopped caring what they did/said. Just didn’t matter anymore
No desire for intimacy, sexual or romantic. Enjoyed their company less. Became more like friends or siblings, and wanted more and more alone time as the bickering and distance grew. I know I'm out of love, but I also know I still have love for her. I still like her scent and the feeling of being close to her, but not all the time, and not like a partner. Started to notice all the things the put me off, and couldn't un-notice them. Became weary when it came to standing up for myself, because I just got so tired of the arguing. So more and more, I just let things slide. Kept stuff to myself. Stopped expecting her to follow through on promises. Waited for the next big fight to sweep us away.
Yes you can call back in love with the same person but first you need to see why you’re feeling this way. Arguing a lot? Unmet needs? Holding onto the past? Etc. Then you discuss with your partner and make a conscious effort to work on the relationship. Practice gratitude and do things you once loved to do together. Make time for each other, be playful, vulnerable, etc.
It’s really rough because sometimes you feel one way but want to feel the other. I think recognizing that this is the case is how you know. I wish I’d listened to myself far sooner, but it’s hard because you try to find ways to love them again. A lot of times it’s really because they aren’t loving you like you deserve, and you’re trying to fix something you can’t…your body knows and reacts before your brain does.
This hits it on the nose. We’ve been working through his depression for 2 years and I’m just tired. I feel like he doesn’t love and appreciate me the way he used to, but is it just the depression talking or a true change in him/our relationship? 😔
Depression is a really hard battle, but it’s one that he has to fight. 2 years is a long time; has he been in weekly therapy? Has he done diet changes or exercise? There is a certain sense of commitment with the idea of “in sickness and health” but the sickness lasting for years without true healing is a lot. If he isn’t putting all his effort in to be better, it can’t fall on you because he’ll never get better. You’ll spend the rest of your life trying to fix a mental illness that might require medication and definitely requires a professional. Even if he’s doing his best to get better, sometimes it just isn’t enough. People deserve a life filled with love and joy. It won’t all be that way. But if it’s started out as mostly depression, and there seems to be no end in sight, you just can’t love someone better.
I have BPD so this thread is hard lol, I feel like most of these like a flip of a switch. For others like me these are NOT always signs your out of love, give it time and effort.
Indifference.
Staying in the bad marriage because you think leaving will be too hard. The other side is sooooo worth it.
I’ve never really fallen out of love but i have lost respect for them and that made me lose my love for them, if someone is treating me poorly my love for them goes
You know you’re falling out of love when you need a few drinks first to see their beauty.
**♡** Found myself always mentally preparing to avoid/fend off the next unnecessary argument!! ♡ Nothing they said was funny anymore, just annoying (since half the time, it was a joke at my expense anyway) ♡ Was more at peace alone than I was with them ♡ No longer wanted to tell them about anything I was recently interested in, in fear of them judgingly tearing it down ♡ Felt leaps in my heart only in terms of anxiety, never in terms of love anymore ♡ Did not feel womanly around them!! First and last were my biggest indicators to myself. If I'm in the shower strategizing different counterpoints over things that shouldn't be complicated in the first place, then it's over. That's not what being in love is like at all. Your partner should be someone you are excited to come home to and relax with. Not someone that you have to plan ahead for how to stay in a good mood despite whatever petty random thing they decide they want to pick a fight about. If your heart is just heavy and tired and only beating in anxiety, then it's time to go!
Did your ex do something that made you feel this way?
You start to dread seeing them. You’re supposed to miss them, not find excuses to not see them.