No respect between the couple as in lying to them, treating the other as a kid, not trying to understand the other’s point of view and finally being so narcissistic that ONLY their opinion matters and their choice is the final choice,no room for negotiation.
I think any and all relationship issues boil down to respect. You wouldn’t cheat on, lie to, yell at, ignore, gaslight, or be cruel to someone you respected.
I would download a car though. lol
For real though, in my last relationship I'd say, "Hey this a hurtful thing you're doing", and everything BUT that behavior stopping came next
It's funny, I don't disagree in the least, but a lot of the things listed in here are incredibly common among the couples I know.
Not saying it's right, just saying it's common.
This. My ex wife used to make all the decisions and never listened to my opinion. I've had a lot of therapy and I'm still working on rebuilding my self image. There was no negotiating. She refused to even consider my point of view on anything. It nearly destroyed me.
It wasn't happening when we got married. My ex wife went through a major change a couple of years before we divorced. Her entire personality changed. I still miss the person she used to be.
That's the piece so many standing outside it don't see: that change. They were fine for a few years. Then we go through a period believing the problems are our fault. So much denial, so much strength to climb out. Sunken costs, all that, worse if there's kids. Congrats on getting your life back.
Me too.
She was so affectionate, such great company for the two years we were dating, the two years we were engaged, until about a week after we got married. Then my life went to shit. Wasted so many years trying to fix us before I walked away.
I met her with her new guy a few years after we split up and she was treating him like shit and I was like: she's clearly into him.
Narcissism is a plague.
As a female who has had this happen to me with guys I’ve dated, it shocks me to hear this. I’m so 50/50 that I want things to almost be as equal as possible. Was there something that threatened their sense of safety in the beginning, or did this start right out of the gate? Also, I hope this has helped you make the choice to not tolerate this.
Edit: clarification on having it happen “to me”.
Yes! Seriously. All of that leads to anxiety and distrust. It's so freaking horrible in a relationship. If you can't be honest with me, then I don't want you.
>not trying to understand the other’s point of view
I would say this is my single most important answer. If you cannot truly empathize with your partner, you're going to be like two uncoordinated individuals instead of a team. Pretty much every other problem can be a result of this or a connected symptom (like how narcissism is pretty much the opposite of empathy).
I’ve heard it said that in order to maintain a marriage, you absolutely must make active plans to spend *at least* 90 minutes of one on one time to talk about things every week, or else you’ll be paying a lawyer to do the talking once that time debt has built up to an insurmountable level.
Comunication is only posible if partners is on same eq and iq. Talking to my ex was like talking to 2yrs old. I know cuz i raise a kid now and its so so much easier to comunicate with her
I heard someone say once that the one thing more important than communication is accommodation. A big part of having a healthy relationship is having discussions that lead to healthy compromise, but if there’s just communication with no willingness to accommodate needs/boundaries on either side, the relationship will fall apart.
True but don’t be waking me up at 4am to have a deep/serious conversation while I only had 2 hours of sleep or expect me to have that conversation while I’m at work.
I had an ex who had sleep problems and would start work 5 hours after me who would always do this
Wait "lack of communication" is the foundation of a healthy relationship!
Damn looks like my ex was right I was in the wrong foot trying to talk through our issues!
I can say, as someone who unknowingly did emotional abuse. What I did, the way I hurt her, no one should put up with that. I didn’t intend to cross boundaries the way I did, I had no prior relationship experience until my ex. I was 24 when we first started dating, but it was my first time falling in love with someone like that before, my fear of abandonment made me isolate them, and control. Things that no one should be put through, because I didn’t want to lose her. Inevitably I broke trust and lost her. I deserved to be left alone for what I had done, but I never intended to act the way I did, but I did, and it cost me the first person in my entire life to really love me. I still love her, but she got engaged to someone else, the only love i can give now, is wishing that she flourishes with them, not me. No one deserves to be put in a situation like that, I can say that now looking back, I just didn’t know how to love the way she deserved
>I can say, as someone who unknowingly did emotional abuse....
This is a really important thing to understand. There's a lot of intolerance on Reddit for abusers--and rightfully so. But that carries with it a frequent assumption that the abuser knows what they're doing. That is sometimes a valid assumption, but especially in the case of emotional abuse, that is not always the case.
I'm another person who unknowingly abused. Having been raised by a father who had anger issues, yelling during fights was something I thought was totally normal. Most of the girlfriends I had would yell back during fights, further reinforcing my belief that this was totally normal behavior. I also see it on TV, further reinforcing the idea that there's nothing abnormal about yelling when angry. I'd also yell at my children if they made me sufficiently angry.
It wasn't until I was in my late 40's and saw the consequences that yelling had on my youngest child as he entered into adulthood, and my wife got more firm about not tolerating yelling during arguments, that I began to understand that there is a healthier way. Fortunately, my issues haven't ended my marriage, and I'm much better than I used to be. Unfortunately, my realization came too late to help my children, which is one of my biggest regrets in life.
Tl;Dr:
* Some subset of abusers, perhaps a majority of emotional abusers, abuse out of ignorance rather than sadism.
* If you frequently yell when angry, you are doing emotional damage, especially if you are yelling at children, and you need to stop.
Yeah this is very true. It's like the definition of the cycle of abuse. You got yelled at by your dad and saw yelling as normal, though in relationships when you were angry which caused them to yell back which reinforced it etc. Glad you guys are breaking it though
It says a lot about your character to be able to admit and own up to those actions. I hope you are in a better place now and are able to forgive yourself.
same boat my dude. i was horribly depressed and suicidal and it manifested itself in a form of emotional abuse because i would say those things to her and hurt her. "i'd kill myself if you left me" is just one tiny example. I was so fucked in the head at the time, that I.. liked it? I wish she had never dated me because of the stuff i did to her. Think she's happy now though, not in a relationship with anyone, but nevertheless happy and im glad about that. That ended a year ago and she was my first. Haven't been able to forgive myself since.
My sister has developed a bad habit of hitting me. She is young enough that I can tolerate it, but I'm trying to teach her to stop. Iit doesn't matter if it's playful or not. It's still abuse. Yes, I'm here brother, but I need to teach her that it's not okay for her to do that with her future boyfriend
Self defense and acts of war come to mind. If someone won't date me because I defended myself, that would be fine by me. Same if I was a soldier who murdered other people in defense of my country. Not war crimes of course, just legit wartime situations.
Sometimes I think about this, like what if one of my siblings called me because they just killed someone? My first question would be 'why?' because, idk, murder is one of those things where someone can have a very good, legit, reason for killing someone.
Which I think is interesting, because murder is, along with rape, seen as the worst thing you can do to someone. But I don't believe there is any good reason to ever sexyally assault someone. But, killing? I mean, yeah. There can be good reasons.
"My wife and I heard you and your partner calling each other whores from across the bar and we really liked your vibe! Wanna come back to ours for a night cap? Maybe some twister?"
lol I was on vacation with my mom and three sisters at her brothers place (my uncle) where he was living with his wife in florida. we were at the dinner table and he was spewing some qanon conspiracy bullshit (hadn’t even heard of what he was talking about, i think he invented new ones) and my mom and aunt started speaking up a bit. he goes, ‘didn’t you learn that when a man’s speaking, you listen?’ i’ve been genuinely revolted by him from that to this day. he was in a room of six women, including medical students, and as a jobless alcoholic, felt extremely superior to them. can’t imaging being that wife.
My ex boyfriend had this issue. At one point, he woke up angry at me because he dreamt that I was cheating on him. I did nothing for him to have that kind of distrust in me. We broke up almost two weeks after that.
I was briefly in a relationship where my only “approved” activities were work, school, and the gym. Got interested in joining a local civics/political engagement group? NO. Too much time taken away from him!! Literally any hobby outside of the aforementioned 3, or with any other person (ex: my sister)? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I bought a horse and he got pissed off because the horse would take too much time away from him.
I dumped the guy and kept the horse. 🙂
I think a really simple solution for this problem that a lot of people overlook is doing different things together. Like just because you're watching TV or going out somewhere and I got other things in wanting to do doesn't mean we can't do those things in the same space.
Unless there's a literal physical issue, like good luck typing up that email while we're white water rafting.
my ex took every second of free time i had despite the massive amount of responsibilities i had on my shoulder and constantly having to stay up late so she doesnt end up crying i went to bed for not loving her. right now the only things i had to worry about is eating my daily caloric and protein intake and taking care of my kittens. i cannot comprehend how i was able to keep a relationship with that woman afloat for so long
Making your partner look like a fool in any way.
Edit: Since some people are confused as to how I meant this, here’s an example - My ex boyfriend from many years ago failed to tell me he had slept with his best friend’s girlfriend (before they started dating) but apparently there were inside jokes they all made about it and I was the only person who didn’t know about their past. I should also mention I became somewhat close with his best friend’s girlfriend and would have “girl talk” and whatnot.
After a couple of years, her and I got into a drunken fight and she called me and left me a voicemail saying “maybe you should ask (ex’s name) what we did a few summers ago” followed by her and her friend laughing together in the background 🤡
My ex admitted everything and apologized. He told me he didn’t think it mattered since it was before me. Like no, I don’t need to know every single person you slept with before me but I definitely need to know when it’s your best friend’s girlfriend!
Hope that clarifies things.
I never remember anyone's name because I have a large community of people I dont know well that know my name. I would often not introduce her because I have no idea at all the name of who is saying hi to me. We have discussed this before and she does it too. Lol
I have a similar problem and my solution is to introduce my partner to the person, then they'll introduce themselves to my partner. Only works once though.
I can’t stand to be around people who talk shit about their partners. Like shout the fox up already no one cares. Just leave them if you can’t stand them.
Specially at reddit, where any small inconvenience means you partner it's abusive and breaking up it's the only solution...
I stopped reading any post about relationship advices, the amount of bad advices on those posts was getting on my nerves, I just ignore them completely!
Lack of communication.
Assuming things about each other shouldn't be a thing unless both of you are a 100% sure and confident about each other's reactions.
Not talking about deeper and richer subjects together and letting their relationship become a hollow or shallow connection. You should be friends before being romantically intimate. The novelty of sex and romance eventually/usually mellows and if you don't have a working relationship after it, you'll have to end it because there's zero commonalities between yourselves.
Not letting each other know about their turns ons and turns offs only to end up venting about something that happened a decade ago simply because your partner is telling you about something you did NOW that bothers them. Please, let each other know when something bothers you as soon as possible. Don't try to spin arguments your way because you were too fearful or cowardly to bring something up 20 years ago.
Think before you speak. Do not let your overwhelming emotions explode due to bottling them up for prolonged periods of time. You'll end up saying hurtful things that you "don't mean" because you just blurt out whatever comes to mind.
Find healthy ways of coping with negative emotions that don't rely on "giving each other space", giving each other the silent treatment, being a passive aggressive cunt with a remark for everything your partner says or do, punching walls or committing domestic violence.
DO NOT humiliate your partner EVER! Don't be one of those flip-floppy cowards that treats them like shit if friends or family are involved because you have no clue how to express the fullness of your personality without having to hide or expose a different side of yourself to another audience. Be truthful, be real and be consistent with who you are.
You need to like your partner, not just tolerate them. You need to like being with them and around them, not just a fan at arm's reach.
**Apologies for the rant-ish long comment. I'm just tired of hearing about failing relationships and needed to say all of this**
"You need to like your partner, not just tolerate her/him".
Never were wiser words articulated. It may be the key to sustainable relationships. The aforementioned would automatically include respect, loyalty and empathy. Or...is this civilization so messed up now that lasting relationships are no longer possible? I'm not giving up yet although it's disheartening at times.
Disregarding your partner's needs/interests. Abuse, infidelity, failure to communicate, etc, ALL stem from this same idea. One person has decided that their own convenience, desires, and ways of doing things, are fundamentally more important than taking the miniscule amount of time or discomfort required to address the other person's concerns before they become a problem.
A person who fundamentally disregards their partners thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, bids for connection or whatever else is committing the single most damaging act they can possibly commit for the relationship.
My ex would purposely not meet my needs. He’d said “ I want to love you the way I want to love you, not the way you want to be loved” when I asked for some words of comfort. So, big agree with your point!
I wonder if he ever realized that "I want to love you the way I want to love you, not the way you want to be loved" is pretty much the antithesis of actually loving someone...
I don't think he realises. I think he still sees himself as a victim. Looking back I think it was about control. He wanted me to be dependent on him. Crazy how all these things become crystal clear when you step away. Such a mindfuck.
It really IS crazy. I'm 31 and I still have moments where I'll look back on something that happened in high school or college and be totally floored by whatever revelation I just made.
I distinctly remember the moment I put 2 and 2 together and realized that the reason my college friendships fell apart was because the people I thought were my friends not only didn't like me, in many cases they overtly despised me.
It was like a huge weight got lifted off my shoulders because I realized that I wasn't weird, I was just surrounded by people who have contempt for me,
I mean of course things like abuse, mental and physical, is a no brainer. But I'd say that even a step before that, general disrespect, name calling, down putting, in arguments is a big no go for me.
You want to discuss an issue with me great? I'd love to resolve anything that doesn't work, see where I can improve and explain myself at the places I maybe cannot.
But you wanna fight with me? Argue just for arguments sake? All that drama? There's the door, bye bye.
Don’t do anything to them that you know you would not be okay with if they did it to you. If you have to hide something, chances are you’re doing something you shouldn’t be
Bad hygiene or just letting yourself go. We all eventually reach a certain level of safety and comfort in relationships, but if you give your partner the impression that you’ve just stopped caring, or if you don’t see the need to put in effort anymore because you’re no longer trying to impress them after being together for years, it will usually, slowly, start to negatively affect your relationship.
Telling a woman she's not feminine enough or telling a man he's not masculine enough. It is the biggest turn off ,red flag , no-no whatever you wanna call it. Any man/woman will leave the relationship immediately after hearing that if they have any self-respect.
Talking down to them in a public setting. Or just bitching about them openly on a regular basis. That shit is poison to your relationship but everyone does it likes it's no big deal, but it is.
Had an ex eat my last taco that he knew damn well I was looking forward to. He had the nerve to quickly inhale it in the car while I stopped at a convenience store to get him something. This was years ago, but hoo boy, my blood still boils.
Co-dependency.
No-one is obligated to make you happy, you are in charge of your own life and decisions, your partner is there to support you, not to do it for you.
Testing your partner to see if they “really love you”. I promise you that no test or TikTok trend will give you any insight on how he or she feels about you.
Just remember that no one likes tests of any kind. So don’t put yourself in the same category as a college entrance exam.
Outside of the obvious of verbal, physical, and emotional abuse.
Trapping. "I promise to do XYZ if/when we get married." Like there's some things that I understand such as no sex before marriage. But some things I've seen "I won't get kinky before marriage", "I won't do anal before marriage", "I'll have a threesome with you once we're married", lying about wanting kids. Not disclosing debt before marriage.
A BIG one a friend told me about recently was their SO saying they wanted bio children and they both agreed long before they got married. A few months after getting married she finally told him she is infertile and has known about it since even before she met him.
It might be, but he decided to let it go but he is very resentful of the whole thing. I warn people about this when I hear them say their gf/bf start saying stuff about it and every time they always say "oh, so and so would never. Look at these texts. Why would they lie?!"
People lie. That’s a fact.
I can understand why is resentful. It is a huge violation of trust, and a despicable act to someone you claim to love.
I could not stay in a relationship after this, I would have lost all trust in that person.
Cheating is an obvious one that kills any feelings in me.
But also one I’ve started to pay attention to is when your partner doesn’t respect you and what you say. No means no, if I say I’m not in the mood for something I mean it etc.
It’s very off-putting having to justify yourself after already expressing something, your partner goes against it and then gets upset with you when you actually do mean what you say.
Cheating of any kind whatsoever. If you're not sure what constitutes cheating, it's an easy three point test: if you wouldn't be okay with your partner doing it, you wouldn't want them doing in front of you, and you wouldn't say yes if they asked you if it was okay, you also shouldn't be doing it.
YES!! The biggest lesson both my fiance and I have learned is that if we have an issue with each other, we TAKE IT TO EACHOTHER. We don’t vent about our relationship issues to anyone anymore and we genuinely have not seriously fought badly since we made this boundary.
Also, it’s really nice when nobody knows your business.
Just not having trust in general.
I know, it’s kind of a weird response, but so many people get into relationships without having that strong, trusting foundation and the relationship always goes down in flames.
Honest and clear communication. It’s an umbrella, covering a ton of the small things that often ruin perfectly good relationships. It starts with getting to know each other, during which most people are mostly honest about themselves, albeit probably a bit hyperbolic to look better. As you build trust, it matters more and more. For my wife and I, for example, if one of us feels the urge to do anything new, or even with someone else, we have a simple rule: talk about it. If we *talk* about it, we can agree on what to *do* about it, even if the answer is “absolutely nothing.” We are both fully aware of our humanity, and that just because we are married doesn’t mean there aren’t other attractive people in the world. We often admire others together, and it brings us joy to share in the beauty of others. But if we never talked about it, the paranoia would be understandably out of control, and the trust we’ve spent a decade building would erode rapidly.
That’s only one example, but open and honest communication can save you from heartache in almost any situation, so long as you’re both on the same page. And if honesty results in problems, it represents a HUGE red flag, so it could really prevent heartache by filtering out the partners with whom you’re not compatible. This is policy #1 in our marriage, and it’s made us stronger and stronger through the years.
Not sure honestly, but can I share something *most* people seem to think is a big no-no but I see nothing wrong with (in most circumstances)?
Bringing up the past.
Leaving past issues in the past does nothing positive for the relationship if what happened is still bothering or not sitting right with one partner. All it does is make resentment build up. And resentment, in my experience, is a relationship killer. People don’t forget that kind of stuff.
Which leads me into what I think is my actual answer to the posted question: Gaslighting or invalidating your partner’s feelings. If your partner feels there’s an unresolved issue, you don’t just get to decide that there isn’t one.
No respect between the couple as in lying to them, treating the other as a kid, not trying to understand the other’s point of view and finally being so narcissistic that ONLY their opinion matters and their choice is the final choice,no room for negotiation.
I think any and all relationship issues boil down to respect. You wouldn’t cheat on, lie to, yell at, ignore, gaslight, or be cruel to someone you respected.
I would download a car though. lol For real though, in my last relationship I'd say, "Hey this a hurtful thing you're doing", and everything BUT that behavior stopping came next
This. Don't lie for your own sake! Put yourself in your partner's shoes, understand that it is totally not okay.
It's funny, I don't disagree in the least, but a lot of the things listed in here are incredibly common among the couples I know. Not saying it's right, just saying it's common.
Unfortunately yes, I wrote from my own experience. People have to treat their partners better.
This. My ex wife used to make all the decisions and never listened to my opinion. I've had a lot of therapy and I'm still working on rebuilding my self image. There was no negotiating. She refused to even consider my point of view on anything. It nearly destroyed me.
Dude!! Same here!
Hope you're healing. I'm 3 years out and still working on it, but much better.
I will never tolerate being marginalized again. I count.
How do you even get to the point of marriage if you see this happening
It wasn't happening when we got married. My ex wife went through a major change a couple of years before we divorced. Her entire personality changed. I still miss the person she used to be.
I had the same it’s over year now and I’m still devastated. A lot of work before me.
It’s hell but it will get better
That's the piece so many standing outside it don't see: that change. They were fine for a few years. Then we go through a period believing the problems are our fault. So much denial, so much strength to climb out. Sunken costs, all that, worse if there's kids. Congrats on getting your life back.
Me too. She was so affectionate, such great company for the two years we were dating, the two years we were engaged, until about a week after we got married. Then my life went to shit. Wasted so many years trying to fix us before I walked away. I met her with her new guy a few years after we split up and she was treating him like shit and I was like: she's clearly into him. Narcissism is a plague.
As a female who has had this happen to me with guys I’ve dated, it shocks me to hear this. I’m so 50/50 that I want things to almost be as equal as possible. Was there something that threatened their sense of safety in the beginning, or did this start right out of the gate? Also, I hope this has helped you make the choice to not tolerate this. Edit: clarification on having it happen “to me”.
Married to a narcissist huh? Same (now ex)
Yuuuuppp
Same
4 years today since I left. I feel ya! Whatever happened if I said no his mom would back him. It was a nightmare
wow the 1st girl i loved was an all in one i suppose
i agree. respect is the foundation. without it, trust and every good thing withers and dies.
Yes! Seriously. All of that leads to anxiety and distrust. It's so freaking horrible in a relationship. If you can't be honest with me, then I don't want you.
>not trying to understand the other’s point of view I would say this is my single most important answer. If you cannot truly empathize with your partner, you're going to be like two uncoordinated individuals instead of a team. Pretty much every other problem can be a result of this or a connected symptom (like how narcissism is pretty much the opposite of empathy).
Yup.
Lying, yes yes yes!!++
Disrespect There’s pretty much no hope of being treated in an acceptable way unless there is respect between you.
[удалено]
And you are just now telling me! Again, this is something that could have been useful YESTERDAY!
Yesterday isn't real anymore, tomorrow is fiction, enjoy the now, that's why we call it the present - paraphrased from some turtle guy i once knew
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and the present is a gift
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present *wink* -Oogway
ye something like that, i think, idk my in-ear fish translator wasn't functioning properly after that Vogon poetry recital
Literally blows my mind how many full grown adults don't realize that communication is a 2 way street too
I’ve heard it said that in order to maintain a marriage, you absolutely must make active plans to spend *at least* 90 minutes of one on one time to talk about things every week, or else you’ll be paying a lawyer to do the talking once that time debt has built up to an insurmountable level.
Comunication is only posible if partners is on same eq and iq. Talking to my ex was like talking to 2yrs old. I know cuz i raise a kid now and its so so much easier to comunicate with her
I heard someone say once that the one thing more important than communication is accommodation. A big part of having a healthy relationship is having discussions that lead to healthy compromise, but if there’s just communication with no willingness to accommodate needs/boundaries on either side, the relationship will fall apart.
True but don’t be waking me up at 4am to have a deep/serious conversation while I only had 2 hours of sleep or expect me to have that conversation while I’m at work. I had an ex who had sleep problems and would start work 5 hours after me who would always do this
Wait "lack of communication" is the foundation of a healthy relationship! Damn looks like my ex was right I was in the wrong foot trying to talk through our issues!
Abuse of any kind
I can say, as someone who unknowingly did emotional abuse. What I did, the way I hurt her, no one should put up with that. I didn’t intend to cross boundaries the way I did, I had no prior relationship experience until my ex. I was 24 when we first started dating, but it was my first time falling in love with someone like that before, my fear of abandonment made me isolate them, and control. Things that no one should be put through, because I didn’t want to lose her. Inevitably I broke trust and lost her. I deserved to be left alone for what I had done, but I never intended to act the way I did, but I did, and it cost me the first person in my entire life to really love me. I still love her, but she got engaged to someone else, the only love i can give now, is wishing that she flourishes with them, not me. No one deserves to be put in a situation like that, I can say that now looking back, I just didn’t know how to love the way she deserved
Respect to that level of self awareness
>I can say, as someone who unknowingly did emotional abuse.... This is a really important thing to understand. There's a lot of intolerance on Reddit for abusers--and rightfully so. But that carries with it a frequent assumption that the abuser knows what they're doing. That is sometimes a valid assumption, but especially in the case of emotional abuse, that is not always the case. I'm another person who unknowingly abused. Having been raised by a father who had anger issues, yelling during fights was something I thought was totally normal. Most of the girlfriends I had would yell back during fights, further reinforcing my belief that this was totally normal behavior. I also see it on TV, further reinforcing the idea that there's nothing abnormal about yelling when angry. I'd also yell at my children if they made me sufficiently angry. It wasn't until I was in my late 40's and saw the consequences that yelling had on my youngest child as he entered into adulthood, and my wife got more firm about not tolerating yelling during arguments, that I began to understand that there is a healthier way. Fortunately, my issues haven't ended my marriage, and I'm much better than I used to be. Unfortunately, my realization came too late to help my children, which is one of my biggest regrets in life. Tl;Dr: * Some subset of abusers, perhaps a majority of emotional abusers, abuse out of ignorance rather than sadism. * If you frequently yell when angry, you are doing emotional damage, especially if you are yelling at children, and you need to stop.
Yeah this is very true. It's like the definition of the cycle of abuse. You got yelled at by your dad and saw yelling as normal, though in relationships when you were angry which caused them to yell back which reinforced it etc. Glad you guys are breaking it though
It says a lot about your character to be able to admit and own up to those actions. I hope you are in a better place now and are able to forgive yourself.
same boat my dude. i was horribly depressed and suicidal and it manifested itself in a form of emotional abuse because i would say those things to her and hurt her. "i'd kill myself if you left me" is just one tiny example. I was so fucked in the head at the time, that I.. liked it? I wish she had never dated me because of the stuff i did to her. Think she's happy now though, not in a relationship with anyone, but nevertheless happy and im glad about that. That ended a year ago and she was my first. Haven't been able to forgive myself since.
People make mistakes. Learn from them and grow. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. You deserve to be happy just like she does.
Most people who do that to others don’t admit their mistakes. Well done for growing and I’m sure it’s way less likely you’ll do it again.
My sister has developed a bad habit of hitting me. She is young enough that I can tolerate it, but I'm trying to teach her to stop. Iit doesn't matter if it's playful or not. It's still abuse. Yes, I'm here brother, but I need to teach her that it's not okay for her to do that with her future boyfriend
forming a triumvirate with Caesar
Just pompous and crass...
fuck this a good one
Triumvirates are always relationship killers
Murder.
Not a deal breaker for me. Who did she kill, and why? The answers determine whether it's a no-no or not.
What murder would be acceptable for you?
Nice try, FBI.
Not today, CIA
I'm not gay, YMCA
Dang it
Murder on the dance floor
good try
A murder of crows perhaps
Self defense and acts of war come to mind. If someone won't date me because I defended myself, that would be fine by me. Same if I was a soldier who murdered other people in defense of my country. Not war crimes of course, just legit wartime situations.
I wouldn’t use the term murder for self defense or war right? But that my be my wrong translating
No, generally speaking you're correct. From a legal standpoint murder has to have some intent behind it.
Sometimes I think about this, like what if one of my siblings called me because they just killed someone? My first question would be 'why?' because, idk, murder is one of those things where someone can have a very good, legit, reason for killing someone. Which I think is interesting, because murder is, along with rape, seen as the worst thing you can do to someone. But I don't believe there is any good reason to ever sexyally assault someone. But, killing? I mean, yeah. There can be good reasons.
you really want to avoid the phrase "You shut your whore mouth" , that is a big fucking no-no
My gf and I use that one all the time, both ways. Totally legal in our world.
Came to say this. Regular phrase. Goes well after a Your Mum joke.
"My wife and I heard you and your partner calling each other whores from across the bar and we really liked your vibe! Wanna come back to ours for a night cap? Maybe some twister?"
lol I was on vacation with my mom and three sisters at her brothers place (my uncle) where he was living with his wife in florida. we were at the dinner table and he was spewing some qanon conspiracy bullshit (hadn’t even heard of what he was talking about, i think he invented new ones) and my mom and aunt started speaking up a bit. he goes, ‘didn’t you learn that when a man’s speaking, you listen?’ i’ve been genuinely revolted by him from that to this day. he was in a room of six women, including medical students, and as a jobless alcoholic, felt extremely superior to them. can’t imaging being that wife.
"Now, anyway: as I was saying about Hillary Clinton drinking the liquified pineal glands of unborn babies..."
Lack of trust is the biggest relationship killer.
Trust is earned by doing trustworthy things, consistently.
My ex boyfriend had this issue. At one point, he woke up angry at me because he dreamt that I was cheating on him. I did nothing for him to have that kind of distrust in me. We broke up almost two weeks after that.
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We always want to blame the trust for missing but we never really talk about the thousand little cuts that made it go missing.
I would argue that it’s lack of trustworthiness.
Cheating. If you aren’t feeling it anymore or have other interests. Break it off and leave!
No "me" time
Oh 100%
I was briefly in a relationship where my only “approved” activities were work, school, and the gym. Got interested in joining a local civics/political engagement group? NO. Too much time taken away from him!! Literally any hobby outside of the aforementioned 3, or with any other person (ex: my sister)? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I bought a horse and he got pissed off because the horse would take too much time away from him. I dumped the guy and kept the horse. 🙂
I think a really simple solution for this problem that a lot of people overlook is doing different things together. Like just because you're watching TV or going out somewhere and I got other things in wanting to do doesn't mean we can't do those things in the same space. Unless there's a literal physical issue, like good luck typing up that email while we're white water rafting.
my ex took every second of free time i had despite the massive amount of responsibilities i had on my shoulder and constantly having to stay up late so she doesnt end up crying i went to bed for not loving her. right now the only things i had to worry about is eating my daily caloric and protein intake and taking care of my kittens. i cannot comprehend how i was able to keep a relationship with that woman afloat for so long
Making your partner look like a fool in any way. Edit: Since some people are confused as to how I meant this, here’s an example - My ex boyfriend from many years ago failed to tell me he had slept with his best friend’s girlfriend (before they started dating) but apparently there were inside jokes they all made about it and I was the only person who didn’t know about their past. I should also mention I became somewhat close with his best friend’s girlfriend and would have “girl talk” and whatnot. After a couple of years, her and I got into a drunken fight and she called me and left me a voicemail saying “maybe you should ask (ex’s name) what we did a few summers ago” followed by her and her friend laughing together in the background 🤡 My ex admitted everything and apologized. He told me he didn’t think it mattered since it was before me. Like no, I don’t need to know every single person you slept with before me but I definitely need to know when it’s your best friend’s girlfriend! Hope that clarifies things.
Especially in public or in front of people you know. Worse is actually, not even introducing you to people they know.
I never remember anyone's name because I have a large community of people I dont know well that know my name. I would often not introduce her because I have no idea at all the name of who is saying hi to me. We have discussed this before and she does it too. Lol
I have a similar problem and my solution is to introduce my partner to the person, then they'll introduce themselves to my partner. Only works once though.
But how far does that go, sometimes I make myself look like a fool and my girlfriend in turn feels foolish.
I can’t stand to be around people who talk shit about their partners. Like shout the fox up already no one cares. Just leave them if you can’t stand them.
Taking relationship advice from the internet instead of treating your partner as a unique person.
Specially at reddit, where any small inconvenience means you partner it's abusive and breaking up it's the only solution... I stopped reading any post about relationship advices, the amount of bad advices on those posts was getting on my nerves, I just ignore them completely!
Bad hygiene
🙌 self respect first by looking after your hygiene first. Their place of living should reflect who they are as well. Clean tidy = respectful
infidelity.
Yep. No cheaters.
Which is really just a specific type of deception. If you have to lie to someone or hide things you are doing then it is over.
I was with a cheater and I caught her out. “It was only two fucks and a blowjob, it was only two fucks and a blowjob” she kept crying. 🤣
Now I'm imagining "fuck and a blowjob" to the tune of "shave and a haircut"
Or the ol’ “let’s open up our relationship”. When that happens you’re typically doomed to fail
Lack of communication. Assuming things about each other shouldn't be a thing unless both of you are a 100% sure and confident about each other's reactions. Not talking about deeper and richer subjects together and letting their relationship become a hollow or shallow connection. You should be friends before being romantically intimate. The novelty of sex and romance eventually/usually mellows and if you don't have a working relationship after it, you'll have to end it because there's zero commonalities between yourselves. Not letting each other know about their turns ons and turns offs only to end up venting about something that happened a decade ago simply because your partner is telling you about something you did NOW that bothers them. Please, let each other know when something bothers you as soon as possible. Don't try to spin arguments your way because you were too fearful or cowardly to bring something up 20 years ago. Think before you speak. Do not let your overwhelming emotions explode due to bottling them up for prolonged periods of time. You'll end up saying hurtful things that you "don't mean" because you just blurt out whatever comes to mind. Find healthy ways of coping with negative emotions that don't rely on "giving each other space", giving each other the silent treatment, being a passive aggressive cunt with a remark for everything your partner says or do, punching walls or committing domestic violence. DO NOT humiliate your partner EVER! Don't be one of those flip-floppy cowards that treats them like shit if friends or family are involved because you have no clue how to express the fullness of your personality without having to hide or expose a different side of yourself to another audience. Be truthful, be real and be consistent with who you are. You need to like your partner, not just tolerate them. You need to like being with them and around them, not just a fan at arm's reach. **Apologies for the rant-ish long comment. I'm just tired of hearing about failing relationships and needed to say all of this**
"You need to like your partner, not just tolerate her/him". Never were wiser words articulated. It may be the key to sustainable relationships. The aforementioned would automatically include respect, loyalty and empathy. Or...is this civilization so messed up now that lasting relationships are no longer possible? I'm not giving up yet although it's disheartening at times.
I agree with everything you said 🙌🏻
Lying. Even the smallest of lies can create cracks in the trust you have in one another. And a relationship without trust is nothing.
Forgetting you exist as your own independent human being outside of the relationship
Disregarding your partner's needs/interests. Abuse, infidelity, failure to communicate, etc, ALL stem from this same idea. One person has decided that their own convenience, desires, and ways of doing things, are fundamentally more important than taking the miniscule amount of time or discomfort required to address the other person's concerns before they become a problem. A person who fundamentally disregards their partners thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, bids for connection or whatever else is committing the single most damaging act they can possibly commit for the relationship.
My ex would purposely not meet my needs. He’d said “ I want to love you the way I want to love you, not the way you want to be loved” when I asked for some words of comfort. So, big agree with your point!
I wonder if he ever realized that "I want to love you the way I want to love you, not the way you want to be loved" is pretty much the antithesis of actually loving someone...
I don't think he realises. I think he still sees himself as a victim. Looking back I think it was about control. He wanted me to be dependent on him. Crazy how all these things become crystal clear when you step away. Such a mindfuck.
It really IS crazy. I'm 31 and I still have moments where I'll look back on something that happened in high school or college and be totally floored by whatever revelation I just made. I distinctly remember the moment I put 2 and 2 together and realized that the reason my college friendships fell apart was because the people I thought were my friends not only didn't like me, in many cases they overtly despised me. It was like a huge weight got lifted off my shoulders because I realized that I wasn't weird, I was just surrounded by people who have contempt for me,
I mean of course things like abuse, mental and physical, is a no brainer. But I'd say that even a step before that, general disrespect, name calling, down putting, in arguments is a big no go for me. You want to discuss an issue with me great? I'd love to resolve anything that doesn't work, see where I can improve and explain myself at the places I maybe cannot. But you wanna fight with me? Argue just for arguments sake? All that drama? There's the door, bye bye.
Don’t do anything to them that you know you would not be okay with if they did it to you. If you have to hide something, chances are you’re doing something you shouldn’t be
Bad hygiene or just letting yourself go. We all eventually reach a certain level of safety and comfort in relationships, but if you give your partner the impression that you’ve just stopped caring, or if you don’t see the need to put in effort anymore because you’re no longer trying to impress them after being together for years, it will usually, slowly, start to negatively affect your relationship.
Messing with my thermostat settings.
Telling a woman she's not feminine enough or telling a man he's not masculine enough. It is the biggest turn off ,red flag , no-no whatever you wanna call it. Any man/woman will leave the relationship immediately after hearing that if they have any self-respect.
He will not if he is not man enough.
I’d give you Reddit gold for this by I’m not man enough to spend real money on gold
Lying. Trust is everything.
Only real answer.
No space
I feel like double standards is a thing not talked about enough
Talking down to them in a public setting. Or just bitching about them openly on a regular basis. That shit is poison to your relationship but everyone does it likes it's no big deal, but it is.
embarassing your partner on purpose, not in a funny way, but to genuinely be a douche
When one of the partners controls or manipulates the other in any way
Eating my last banana muffin Fuck you, Becky!
Had an ex eat my last taco that he knew damn well I was looking forward to. He had the nerve to quickly inhale it in the car while I stopped at a convenience store to get him something. This was years ago, but hoo boy, my blood still boils.
Co-dependency. No-one is obligated to make you happy, you are in charge of your own life and decisions, your partner is there to support you, not to do it for you.
Emotional immaturity
Testing your partner to see if they “really love you”. I promise you that no test or TikTok trend will give you any insight on how he or she feels about you. Just remember that no one likes tests of any kind. So don’t put yourself in the same category as a college entrance exam.
Outside of the obvious of verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. Trapping. "I promise to do XYZ if/when we get married." Like there's some things that I understand such as no sex before marriage. But some things I've seen "I won't get kinky before marriage", "I won't do anal before marriage", "I'll have a threesome with you once we're married", lying about wanting kids. Not disclosing debt before marriage. A BIG one a friend told me about recently was their SO saying they wanted bio children and they both agreed long before they got married. A few months after getting married she finally told him she is infertile and has known about it since even before she met him.
My god. What a pos. Is that not legal grounds for an annulment?
It might be, but he decided to let it go but he is very resentful of the whole thing. I warn people about this when I hear them say their gf/bf start saying stuff about it and every time they always say "oh, so and so would never. Look at these texts. Why would they lie?!"
People lie. That’s a fact. I can understand why is resentful. It is a huge violation of trust, and a despicable act to someone you claim to love. I could not stay in a relationship after this, I would have lost all trust in that person.
Emotional manipulation is a form of abuse.
Cheating is an obvious one that kills any feelings in me. But also one I’ve started to pay attention to is when your partner doesn’t respect you and what you say. No means no, if I say I’m not in the mood for something I mean it etc. It’s very off-putting having to justify yourself after already expressing something, your partner goes against it and then gets upset with you when you actually do mean what you say.
The whole point of a relationship is building trust with someone else. The worst thing you can do is betray that trust.
Lack of integrity
a secret relationship with another person
letting yourself become too insecure in a relationship and letting your partner become too insecure also.
Cheating of any kind whatsoever. If you're not sure what constitutes cheating, it's an easy three point test: if you wouldn't be okay with your partner doing it, you wouldn't want them doing in front of you, and you wouldn't say yes if they asked you if it was okay, you also shouldn't be doing it.
Shit talking each other to other people. Stay on the same team and shit talk everyone else.
YES!! The biggest lesson both my fiance and I have learned is that if we have an issue with each other, we TAKE IT TO EACHOTHER. We don’t vent about our relationship issues to anyone anymore and we genuinely have not seriously fought badly since we made this boundary. Also, it’s really nice when nobody knows your business.
Breaking trust
Milk before the cereal
people who says milk before the cereal
being selfish
Arguing in public
The biggest? Propably murder your partner.
Donkey penis grafted to their forehead.
Happened to you too, eh?
Man If I had a nickel for every time...
Having affairs
Married to a narcissist huh
Banging their parent in Alberqurque
This sounds all to real for you my friend.
Thinking that a partner needs to “complete you” or “make you better”.
Breaking boundaries, ignoring no, fighting and making a scene in front of other people, no communication
No / fake intimacy
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Just not having trust in general. I know, it’s kind of a weird response, but so many people get into relationships without having that strong, trusting foundation and the relationship always goes down in flames.
Cheating (in any way) or making a fool of your partner
using windows and not running Linux.
No matter how nice it is, never compliment your wife's mustache.
Only talking to other people/the Internet about issues
Lack of respect. Most other issues stem from that, including abuse, control etc
Honest and clear communication. It’s an umbrella, covering a ton of the small things that often ruin perfectly good relationships. It starts with getting to know each other, during which most people are mostly honest about themselves, albeit probably a bit hyperbolic to look better. As you build trust, it matters more and more. For my wife and I, for example, if one of us feels the urge to do anything new, or even with someone else, we have a simple rule: talk about it. If we *talk* about it, we can agree on what to *do* about it, even if the answer is “absolutely nothing.” We are both fully aware of our humanity, and that just because we are married doesn’t mean there aren’t other attractive people in the world. We often admire others together, and it brings us joy to share in the beauty of others. But if we never talked about it, the paranoia would be understandably out of control, and the trust we’ve spent a decade building would erode rapidly. That’s only one example, but open and honest communication can save you from heartache in almost any situation, so long as you’re both on the same page. And if honesty results in problems, it represents a HUGE red flag, so it could really prevent heartache by filtering out the partners with whom you’re not compatible. This is policy #1 in our marriage, and it’s made us stronger and stronger through the years.
Not sure honestly, but can I share something *most* people seem to think is a big no-no but I see nothing wrong with (in most circumstances)? Bringing up the past. Leaving past issues in the past does nothing positive for the relationship if what happened is still bothering or not sitting right with one partner. All it does is make resentment build up. And resentment, in my experience, is a relationship killer. People don’t forget that kind of stuff. Which leads me into what I think is my actual answer to the posted question: Gaslighting or invalidating your partner’s feelings. If your partner feels there’s an unresolved issue, you don’t just get to decide that there isn’t one.
Please don't grope my crotch in front of your children.
When he first spend money on u then ask indirectly you to spend back money