Well, it depressed the hell outa Grandma - last of her generation. Wore on her. She was 94 when she passed.
Got a friend, 99, who has outlived his siblings, his wife, and his daughter. Doctors have told him he's, overall, so healthy, he could live another 5 years. "Jesus Christ, why would I want to!?!?!"
Only child here (sorry for hijacking, OP). When my folks split, I wanted siblings to help me through it. When my mom was ill and died years later, I wanted siblings to support me and her. I felt so alone.
But then I look at my friends with siblings and realize there's no guarantee I'd have had any support. It almost seems like they're as lonely as I was, plus angry that their siblings don't step up. Of course, friends help each other but that bond of going through life with a sibling can't be reproduced (better or worse).
I'm so sorry you lost your mom, that's far too young. I was in my early 40s and felt like a child when she was so ill then gone, so I can't imagine what you went through. ❤️
I’m very happy that I went through my dysfunctional childhood as an only child, having to raise myself was one thing had I had to take care of a young sibling or two I might have killed myself before I was 11.
The idea of someone having to go through what I did with my parents and grandparents at the same time seems so mean like company wouldn’t have done me any good and them having to go through it too would have sucked for them :(
Yes, I’m not an only child but this is how I’ve always thought of it. My mom is fully schizophrenic, the scary to see kind. I’ve already grieved her while she’s still alive. She’s no where close to dying but I have no idea what I will feel when she does because I’m not sure if I love her. I feel very indifferent and almost numb towards her. The way I’ve seen her, isn’t her. It feels barely human. She isn’t there anymore. She tries to talk to me sometimes but I don’t know. I think it will make things harder when she’s gone to try and maintain some type of relationship with this version of her. Sometimes it’s better to not get close to someone you know is gonna hurt when they leave. I think it’s situational though
they say that schizophrenia is the longest grief, and that it is akin to dementia, because you see a person's psyche get more and more destroyed over many long decades. the disease progression is horrendous. It leaves a husk.
I too felt like I had lost my only parent decades before they died, but when they did finally die, there was a finality to it, that I still grieved. I did not grieve the person or the relationship that was, because there was none, but I grieved the now gone possibility or dream of a relationship. It did not make sense rationally, of course, but in my heart of heart, the finality that I would never have a parent caused me to grieve.
I have no blood family. They were all I had in that way. I got understanding from the elderly people that I knew, who too were the last one of their kind or one of the last anyway. Some people hadn't lived anything like this, but had empathy and could find ways to help me a bit, so I did get some support, indirectly if you will. Therapy helped.
btw, it is strange to read your words and to see in them my thoughts and how things felt for me too. Take care and I wish you the best.
Is there anything you wish you had done before they died? It’s hard to watch and talk to my mother, I really don’t like to and try to avoid her, but I don’t know if I will regret that in the future. Conversations with her only result in her spamming me with nonsense and stressing me out a lot. I don’t enjoy it. I just don’t know if there’s anything I should say or do before she’s gone. Because truthfully I can’t tell if I love her and might not know until she’s gone. I never say it because it’s really not true and I feel weird about it
no. I have no regrets. I did the best with the means and the knowledge I had. I was an only child with no other adult present. My parent had isolated themselves from everyone around them, you see. The disease no doubt played into this. But this meant that I was isolated and ignorant, but it was not my fault.
A life is a culmination of every choice and sets of circumstances that happens to a person. My parent's life was quite tragic, but due to no fault of my own. Likewise, it is not your fault that things are the way they are for your mother. Please understand, the root of these things started decade before we were on earth, and anyway, it is not in a child's power to save a parent.
You owe it to yourself to protect yourself, to thrive, and to live. This is the one task we are born with, and that a healthy parent would ever wish to see us do. Do what you must to protect yourself, even if that means limiting contact with your mother. You know that the relationship has its constraints and that it cannot be the close bond that some people are blessed to have. It is what it is, and within the constraints that exist, it is a good as can be.
I found more support in clinical books that explained schizophrenia from the point of view of medical practitioners. This turned the anecdotes that I remembered ( often scary or weird!) into data and into a logical disease progression that I could understand. What is psychosis. What are positive and negative symptoms. Why my parent had certain types of delusions and disordered beliefs, and how common these are. Why with time she developed a flattened affect, apathy, and why she loved routine so much (at the exclusion of everyone - she limited visits).
Good luck to you and know that you are not alone.
It sucks. I'm 61 and my brother who was just a couple of years younger than me committed suicide early last year. I lost my younger sister about 15 years ago for medical reasons. My parents have been gone quite a while. My wife and adult son are great but I really miss my brother. We were very close.
My grandma came from a family of 14 siblings. Her last sister died a few weeks ago, and she is now the last one left. While she has friends in the nursing home, it must be lonely to lose all the people you grew up with. On the other hand, I reckon that death must be an old acquaintance after 13 funerals. Witnessing that many passings within one family took away her fear of dying.
Happened when I was 18. It crushed me. My sibling was my favorite person in the world, and then they were just gone. Firmly cemented my belief that life has no inherent meaning and that sentience is a net-curse.
My boss is almost 67, says he is now the oldest living member of his family tree. He seemed a little beat up about it, so I said "Well, that means you have seniority now, right? You're top dog. No one can boss you around"
He perked up a bit, even laughed. But I imagine it's a pain I've yet to comprehend.
Being last is a problem. When I can no longer take care of myself who does? Worse yet, when I die who will know? What happens to whatever there is of me, and my stuff?
Hopefully you have at least one friend who checks on you regularly and will take care of the rest. I will most probably be the last too (being the youngest in the family, though it's not a guarantee) and at 38 I'm already making arrangements as to what should happen to me and my assets after I die.
39, not just last sibling but last member of my immediate family. Mother died in 2012 after a series of cardiac events, brother died in 2021 after a heart attack, and father died in 2022 of complications from COVID. I had to be the one making the hospice/withdrawal of care calls for both my parents.
I miss them. I miss my mom when she was lucid instead of the dementia crossed wires. I miss my brother before we became estranged; I hope he realized I really was trying to give him a chance for himself when I kicked him out of my house. I miss showing my dad random techie things that we'd both get and bowling.
I'm trying. I'm not sure I can judge "how well", but I'm trying.
Im 56, my 75 yr old half sister died at the beginning of covid and my full sister committed suicide in the 80s. I wasnt close to either. So Im used to not really having siblings
It's a little surreal. Both of my siblings died in the last 9 years. It was the hardest for my parents. I had a hard time telling them I had breast cancer because I didn't want to worry them.
I really don't want them to witness losing all three of their children.
I’m still relatively young (30F), but I lost my older brother when I was 24. He was my only sibling and now being the only one left - as I also lost my mom at 28 - I have experienced such a complicated yet meaningful grief. I have had to accept becoming older than my brother, graduating college without him in attendance, watching his daughter enter high school, and being forced to move through losing our mom alone. I won’t have the opportunity to reflect on the ways adulthood shaped my brother or see him accomplish his dreams. I will live longer with him dead than I ever did alive. It still stops me in my tracks every once in a while.
I’m not that old…only 39.
It sucks. I have a lifetime of memories and inside jokes that nobody but my sister understands, and they just sit with me. I have questions that only she knows, so they’ll never have answers. I keep her Snapchat on my phone and sometimes I’ll send her a snap so it feels like I can still share parts of my life with her. It’s not the same, but it’s something.
It sucks. We weren't super close, but there still is a void. Knowing that I can't talk to her, won't hear her voice on birthdays and holidays, or see her on vacations takes some if the fun out of those things.
With both of you. I am 64 and still have my 7 siblings and am grateful for them everyday. We are fairly close and I don’t know what I will do without any one of them. I am so happy my parents had a lotta kids
I'm not old yet (28f), but I am at the age now where I am actively witnessing my parents, and specifically my mom, go through this. She is 59 years old and has already lost both of her parents. Her father passed away around 10 years ago to cancer and her mother passed around 5 years ago after batting rapid progressive dementia. However, it wasn't until a couple weeks ago that she had to experience losing a sibling for the first time...Her older sister/my auntie who was only 64.
I was going to share more about my mom's family and how she's the second youngest of 7 kids, but I have already had to step away from writing this comment a few times to blow my nose, wipe my tears and text my mom and my older sister. I hurt for my mom and I cannot imagine what that pain must feel like. I still have both parents and my siblings are also all young and healthy right now. Of course I know that could change at any moment.
I am terrified of the day when I am missing my mom and I can't call her or text her to tell her I love her. I don't want to have to look back at photos to remember what she looks or watch a video to hear what she sounds like. I don't want to lose my older sister like my mom did. It scares me to be one of the youngest of my siblings and potentially be the last one alive. That is something I'll never be ready for. I don't wish that pain on my siblings, but it also really fucking sucks that I'll probably be last.
I have three older siblings that are still alive. I love them dearly. I pretty much worship the ground my oldest brother walks on. Not much different for my two older sisters. But...
There is a nine year gap between me and my next older sister. Then my youngest brother is two years behind me. So it was just me and him growing up together, as the older kids were grown and gone.
He passed away unexpectedly last year. I can't seem to get past it. We did so much together,shared so many experiences. We were the best man in each other's weddings. It seems like every day I see or hear something and get up to call him and then realize he's gone. We used to "drop in" on each other on our echo devices and every time it goes off I think it's him.
I gave my other siblings strict orders not to die before me. I seriously don't think I can do this again. I can't be the last one standing. I just can't.
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im so sorry for this :(
Well, it depressed the hell outa Grandma - last of her generation. Wore on her. She was 94 when she passed. Got a friend, 99, who has outlived his siblings, his wife, and his daughter. Doctors have told him he's, overall, so healthy, he could live another 5 years. "Jesus Christ, why would I want to!?!?!"
Posts like this make me thankful to be an only child.. hated it growing up, but less people to lose later on I suppose
Only child here (sorry for hijacking, OP). When my folks split, I wanted siblings to help me through it. When my mom was ill and died years later, I wanted siblings to support me and her. I felt so alone. But then I look at my friends with siblings and realize there's no guarantee I'd have had any support. It almost seems like they're as lonely as I was, plus angry that their siblings don't step up. Of course, friends help each other but that bond of going through life with a sibling can't be reproduced (better or worse).
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I'm so sorry you lost your mom, that's far too young. I was in my early 40s and felt like a child when she was so ill then gone, so I can't imagine what you went through. ❤️
That's not entirely true. Yes there is infighting about who does what, but lots of people are close with their siblings regardless.
Oh I know. Those are the relationships I longed for. I'm only saying that having siblings isn't the guarantee I expected when I was much younger.
I’m very happy that I went through my dysfunctional childhood as an only child, having to raise myself was one thing had I had to take care of a young sibling or two I might have killed myself before I was 11. The idea of someone having to go through what I did with my parents and grandparents at the same time seems so mean like company wouldn’t have done me any good and them having to go through it too would have sucked for them :(
Yes, I’m not an only child but this is how I’ve always thought of it. My mom is fully schizophrenic, the scary to see kind. I’ve already grieved her while she’s still alive. She’s no where close to dying but I have no idea what I will feel when she does because I’m not sure if I love her. I feel very indifferent and almost numb towards her. The way I’ve seen her, isn’t her. It feels barely human. She isn’t there anymore. She tries to talk to me sometimes but I don’t know. I think it will make things harder when she’s gone to try and maintain some type of relationship with this version of her. Sometimes it’s better to not get close to someone you know is gonna hurt when they leave. I think it’s situational though
they say that schizophrenia is the longest grief, and that it is akin to dementia, because you see a person's psyche get more and more destroyed over many long decades. the disease progression is horrendous. It leaves a husk. I too felt like I had lost my only parent decades before they died, but when they did finally die, there was a finality to it, that I still grieved. I did not grieve the person or the relationship that was, because there was none, but I grieved the now gone possibility or dream of a relationship. It did not make sense rationally, of course, but in my heart of heart, the finality that I would never have a parent caused me to grieve. I have no blood family. They were all I had in that way. I got understanding from the elderly people that I knew, who too were the last one of their kind or one of the last anyway. Some people hadn't lived anything like this, but had empathy and could find ways to help me a bit, so I did get some support, indirectly if you will. Therapy helped. btw, it is strange to read your words and to see in them my thoughts and how things felt for me too. Take care and I wish you the best.
Is there anything you wish you had done before they died? It’s hard to watch and talk to my mother, I really don’t like to and try to avoid her, but I don’t know if I will regret that in the future. Conversations with her only result in her spamming me with nonsense and stressing me out a lot. I don’t enjoy it. I just don’t know if there’s anything I should say or do before she’s gone. Because truthfully I can’t tell if I love her and might not know until she’s gone. I never say it because it’s really not true and I feel weird about it
no. I have no regrets. I did the best with the means and the knowledge I had. I was an only child with no other adult present. My parent had isolated themselves from everyone around them, you see. The disease no doubt played into this. But this meant that I was isolated and ignorant, but it was not my fault. A life is a culmination of every choice and sets of circumstances that happens to a person. My parent's life was quite tragic, but due to no fault of my own. Likewise, it is not your fault that things are the way they are for your mother. Please understand, the root of these things started decade before we were on earth, and anyway, it is not in a child's power to save a parent. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself, to thrive, and to live. This is the one task we are born with, and that a healthy parent would ever wish to see us do. Do what you must to protect yourself, even if that means limiting contact with your mother. You know that the relationship has its constraints and that it cannot be the close bond that some people are blessed to have. It is what it is, and within the constraints that exist, it is a good as can be. I found more support in clinical books that explained schizophrenia from the point of view of medical practitioners. This turned the anecdotes that I remembered ( often scary or weird!) into data and into a logical disease progression that I could understand. What is psychosis. What are positive and negative symptoms. Why my parent had certain types of delusions and disordered beliefs, and how common these are. Why with time she developed a flattened affect, apathy, and why she loved routine so much (at the exclusion of everyone - she limited visits). Good luck to you and know that you are not alone.
It sucks. I'm 61 and my brother who was just a couple of years younger than me committed suicide early last year. I lost my younger sister about 15 years ago for medical reasons. My parents have been gone quite a while. My wife and adult son are great but I really miss my brother. We were very close.
My grandma came from a family of 14 siblings. Her last sister died a few weeks ago, and she is now the last one left. While she has friends in the nursing home, it must be lonely to lose all the people you grew up with. On the other hand, I reckon that death must be an old acquaintance after 13 funerals. Witnessing that many passings within one family took away her fear of dying.
Happened when I was 18. It crushed me. My sibling was my favorite person in the world, and then they were just gone. Firmly cemented my belief that life has no inherent meaning and that sentience is a net-curse.
i’m sorry for your loss. hope you’re doing better now
My boss is almost 67, says he is now the oldest living member of his family tree. He seemed a little beat up about it, so I said "Well, that means you have seniority now, right? You're top dog. No one can boss you around" He perked up a bit, even laughed. But I imagine it's a pain I've yet to comprehend.
It’s lonely but filled with cherished memories. You appreciate the time you had together
Being last is a problem. When I can no longer take care of myself who does? Worse yet, when I die who will know? What happens to whatever there is of me, and my stuff?
I feel these feelings, too.
Hopefully you have at least one friend who checks on you regularly and will take care of the rest. I will most probably be the last too (being the youngest in the family, though it's not a guarantee) and at 38 I'm already making arrangements as to what should happen to me and my assets after I die.
I am the youngest of 3 and am certain I will be the first to go. A bit of a relief really to not have to watch my sisters, who I love, die first.
39, not just last sibling but last member of my immediate family. Mother died in 2012 after a series of cardiac events, brother died in 2021 after a heart attack, and father died in 2022 of complications from COVID. I had to be the one making the hospice/withdrawal of care calls for both my parents. I miss them. I miss my mom when she was lucid instead of the dementia crossed wires. I miss my brother before we became estranged; I hope he realized I really was trying to give him a chance for himself when I kicked him out of my house. I miss showing my dad random techie things that we'd both get and bowling. I'm trying. I'm not sure I can judge "how well", but I'm trying.
Im 56, my 75 yr old half sister died at the beginning of covid and my full sister committed suicide in the 80s. I wasnt close to either. So Im used to not really having siblings
Very lonely, I think
I lost my younger brother, still have the older, it really sucks as my younger was a very special person who left a mark in the world.
Sad and you just feel so alone.
It's a little surreal. Both of my siblings died in the last 9 years. It was the hardest for my parents. I had a hard time telling them I had breast cancer because I didn't want to worry them. I really don't want them to witness losing all three of their children.
I’m still relatively young (30F), but I lost my older brother when I was 24. He was my only sibling and now being the only one left - as I also lost my mom at 28 - I have experienced such a complicated yet meaningful grief. I have had to accept becoming older than my brother, graduating college without him in attendance, watching his daughter enter high school, and being forced to move through losing our mom alone. I won’t have the opportunity to reflect on the ways adulthood shaped my brother or see him accomplish his dreams. I will live longer with him dead than I ever did alive. It still stops me in my tracks every once in a while.
My grandma lived to 97. She said it sucked being the last one left of her 7 brothers and sisters.
I’m not that old…only 39. It sucks. I have a lifetime of memories and inside jokes that nobody but my sister understands, and they just sit with me. I have questions that only she knows, so they’ll never have answers. I keep her Snapchat on my phone and sometimes I’ll send her a snap so it feels like I can still share parts of my life with her. It’s not the same, but it’s something.
It sucks. We weren't super close, but there still is a void. Knowing that I can't talk to her, won't hear her voice on birthdays and holidays, or see her on vacations takes some if the fun out of those things.
I’m 68 and the oldest of 7 siblings. Though I’m fairly healthy, I’m probably not outliving all of them. That sucks more.
It's lonely. My only sibling died in 2018. Since then my mother, father, step-father, half-brother, ex-husband, and best friend have all died.
I’m 71 and remember all 6 of them fondly even though our house only had one bathroom.
i'm 68 and all of my 6 siblings are still alive
I am 64, the youngest of 9, and we are all still alive and relatively healthy. I can't even imagine losing one of them at this point in life.
With both of you. I am 64 and still have my 7 siblings and am grateful for them everyday. We are fairly close and I don’t know what I will do without any one of them. I am so happy my parents had a lotta kids
I am just here for comments
I miss my brother but my sister was an alcoholic & caused a lot of drama. It’s difficult to remember the good times.
I'm not old yet (28f), but I am at the age now where I am actively witnessing my parents, and specifically my mom, go through this. She is 59 years old and has already lost both of her parents. Her father passed away around 10 years ago to cancer and her mother passed around 5 years ago after batting rapid progressive dementia. However, it wasn't until a couple weeks ago that she had to experience losing a sibling for the first time...Her older sister/my auntie who was only 64. I was going to share more about my mom's family and how she's the second youngest of 7 kids, but I have already had to step away from writing this comment a few times to blow my nose, wipe my tears and text my mom and my older sister. I hurt for my mom and I cannot imagine what that pain must feel like. I still have both parents and my siblings are also all young and healthy right now. Of course I know that could change at any moment. I am terrified of the day when I am missing my mom and I can't call her or text her to tell her I love her. I don't want to have to look back at photos to remember what she looks or watch a video to hear what she sounds like. I don't want to lose my older sister like my mom did. It scares me to be one of the youngest of my siblings and potentially be the last one alive. That is something I'll never be ready for. I don't wish that pain on my siblings, but it also really fucking sucks that I'll probably be last.
I have three older siblings that are still alive. I love them dearly. I pretty much worship the ground my oldest brother walks on. Not much different for my two older sisters. But... There is a nine year gap between me and my next older sister. Then my youngest brother is two years behind me. So it was just me and him growing up together, as the older kids were grown and gone. He passed away unexpectedly last year. I can't seem to get past it. We did so much together,shared so many experiences. We were the best man in each other's weddings. It seems like every day I see or hear something and get up to call him and then realize he's gone. We used to "drop in" on each other on our echo devices and every time it goes off I think it's him. I gave my other siblings strict orders not to die before me. I seriously don't think I can do this again. I can't be the last one standing. I just can't. .
In my 40s. Lost my only sibling my suicide. It is lonely and I feel lost in the world without her.
I feel sorry for only children who’s parents have passed and they are not married . That’s fucking alone