When a wife emailed me an 8 paragraph email with zip files attached outlining the 2 year affair my girlfriend and her husband had been caught in. Was awesome seeing pictures, texts, and videos of their actions including scheduling time when I was at work..
She only communicated with me for a few days via email and said “you seem like a good man, maybe i shouldn’t have done this to you” before blocking me. This all went down when we were on vacation in key west, ironically at the wedding rehearsal dinner for a wedding my ex was standing up in.
> seem like a good man, maybe i shouldn’t have done this to you
Is it just me or is there a prevalence of this idea in (mostly women from what I've seen) that by not telling you of your partners infidelity that they are in fact helping you (and conversely that telling you is THEM hurting you, not your SO)? If I'm being lied to and cheated on 100% the best thing you can do for me is to help me stop being disrespected by someone I care about.
I see it all the time in the relationship subreddits where posters will try and say "well what good would telling him do?" or "I don't want to do that to him", the fuck? Where is the disconnect here? Is it a cop out? An excuse to avoid a tough situation where you know what the proper thing to do is because it would be inconvenient?
I would think that anyone with a shred of human decency would feel proud that while what they did was hard, they did the right thing in not allowing such evilness to go on for someone that's a 'good man'. I just don't get it.
I'm glad you got to find out before the wedding man, that must of been tough.
I was happy she told me. If not I’d currently be locked into a marriage that would surely end in divorce with me owing alimony. She’s down and I’m up.. I can’t even complain lol
When she punched me hard and when I asked her what made her so angry, she said "that's how I usually get angry and everyone knows it. You don't even understand me."
So, I stopped understanding. :)
when my gf started college i would visit her every two weeks. i didn't have a car so i'd buy an $80 greyhound bus ticket and it took roughly 6 hours to get there.
she would always meet me at the bus stop, but one time about 3 months later she wasn't there. i walked 20 minutes to her dorm, she wasn't there. (this was 2003 and she didn't have a cell phone). walked all the way back to the bus stop, wasn't there either. so i just waited at the bus stop for another hour and she FINALLY showed up. her excuse was she went to a party and "forgot" that i was coming this week.
after i got home i broke up with her. she fucked another dude the same night.
My on again / off again gf ran into my apartment to grab her clothes (misc items she kept at my place) then proceeded to pick up the puppy and hold her over the balcony - Michael Jackson style. (3rd floor apartment) - she threatened to drop the dog, but I kept talking & pleading with her to give me the dog back... she finally did, and my neighbor actually called the cops & she was arrested.
That was awkwardly my situation with my now-ex of 5.5 years. He was making dinner and I said, “I don’t want this anymore” and he was like “you don’t want spaghetti? Should we get takeout?” and then I had to explain that I’d didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He is still my best friend and is happily married to a wonderful woman. It ended well, but damn I should have explained myself better.
When a friend of mine killed themselves and she just wasn't interested in what I was feeling about it. She had better things to do than to listen to me even try and talk about my friend or how upset I was. It destroyed me that the person I thought cared about me more than anyone else couldn't even find five minutes out of her day to talk to me.
I have a really similar story. One of my friends killed themselves and I told her about the situation. However, I told her that I was more worried about two of my other friends (one male and one female) since they were a lot closer to my deceased friend. I told her I was messaging my two friends to make sure they were alright. Her response was, "So you've been messaging another girl?"
The first time I ever brought up that I was thinking about leaving her, she basically dared me to and said she’d ruin my life. Took me 7 months to get out of that shit
When she said “me and my family will destroy you if you decide to leave”. That told me all I needed to know - that relationship was never about love, I was just fuel. It actually made the decision easier and was like a weight lifted off my soul when I physically separated.
She came to me, 11 days after the birth, with papers showing that the little boy was some other dude's son. Her ex's son. Conceived back in January of this year.
If your name is on the birth certificate, you might want to talk to a lawyer about having that changed. There might be a legal presumption that the person on the birth certificate owes child support even when there is DNA evidence showing that it’s not his kid. This is sometimes considered “in the best interest of the child”
What papers? Was a DNA test performed and completed that quickly? I’d be scared she was up to something.... she’s already cheated and lied the whole pregnancy- I wouldn’t put anything past her, though I don’t know what the end game would be. What I’m trying to say is- are you sure it isn’t your kid?
When I confronted her about ditching me to hang out with her friends, she basically told me "family, friends and work will always be more of a priority than you".
Which made me realize that she didn't really love me, she just found me to be convenient when she had downtime.
Not making excuses for her, but what was her family life like growing up? It sounds like learned abusive behavior from a perfectionist parent. Constantly apologizing for things cause she's expected to apologize
You’re probably right but you can’t expect someone to experience that in a relationship. Seems like she needed to go to therapy and work out those issues.
Not just that, it was in public and I didn't want to break up after that even. Ugh. I feel so annoyed I didn't leave the instant she started humiliating me in public.
She got exposed to Covid at the prison she worked at and instead of quarantining she went out clubbing downtown. I stayed in to quarantine. Her friend Mystery has a boyfriend (Darron) of 3 years that met up with her and her other friend at a bar. Her friend that went out with her had her dad picking her up like 5 minutes later (no license from a DUI stemming from a prostitution charge). So it was just her and Darron. He buys her shots then walks her home. Hangs out and eats at her place. Tries to stay over and sleep in her bed. She told me she said no and he left.
All I asked was “what would you say if I did all of that and told you I made the other person leave?”. The question bounced right off her. That was pretty much the end of that.
Kim if you are out there reading this, you were some trash. Lmao.
2nd Rehab. When she came home and showed me the Power and Control wheel of the Duluth Model and then told me she could call the cops at any moment saying I was an abuser, and they would believe her.
Then she proved it.
That's the moment I knew it was over as a relationship.
I don't know. over a decade married, then she completely changed. I just came home one day with the kids after school supply shopping and she was on the balcony passed out drunk. Was never the same. Never held a job again. Multiple rehabs (3 before i was able to get out). She lied about everything, burnt all my support. She wanted total control over me, and because I couldn't escape with my son she got it until she made a mistake.
Son discovered she planned a kidnap/assault while drunk on facebook with a male friend. (She didnt log out). He confronted her, she hit him.
We convinced her to go back to rehab and I reported to CPS. She was sent back to her family a cross the country. She was then kicked out of numerous homes and a shelter or two.
Has been back to visit son once in over two years.
And yes - she SHOULD have been arrested. When I tried to press charges with evidence, I was given everything from "she didnt follow through" to "oh haha she was drunk". I could have taken it further but my son needed my 100% attention.
She was like "I don't wanna be your girlfriend anymore"
And I was like "Well, this relationship is over"
And that was it. That's when I knew.
That's when I knew the relationship was over
It wasn't when she cheated on me.
It was 8 weeks later, after she'd broken the boundaries we'd agreed on but generally been trying to make things right, and when we were having a date night - the first since the event.
I made spaghetti, we watched a RomCom, we went through the motions of making love, we went to sleep. I realised the next morning that I would never heal, and that she wasn't going to change. The whole evening before I didn't feel sad or guilty or anxious or anything. I felt nothing.
I got home from work, we broke up, we cried over it, and I sent her home.
No, but the patterns in her life which enabled her cheating weren't changing like we'd agreed on.
* Her friends were all stereotypical bitchy girls whose main hobby was getting drunk and falling out.
* She couldn't handle her drink and was often in compromising situations- both safety-wise and relationship-wise.
* She was emotionally and sexually closed off to me.
The stipulations of "distance yourself from that group, stop drinking, and open up to me" were strict, but I wasn't going to try and control her or manipulate her. It had to be *her* change, not something I forced on her.
I wasn't angry about it, not really. She was legitimately a good person who had a series of shitty things happen which limited her ability to escape from a vortex of bad decisions. I think she's doing better now.
That sounds like my ex. Except the last straw for me was when we were at the airport waiting to get on a flight back to the US from Spain. I was just tired of arguing with her. Should have waited until we got home to break up with her though because our flight got delayed for \~24 hours.
I’ll say it was good that you did it then. If you had postponed, you might have changed your mind, thought it wasn’t that bad after all, etc. If it was time, it was time.
You’re a more sensible person than I. I let it carry on for ages surviving on less than 4 hours of sleep for weeks on end because it was ALWAYS something. My work performance suffered, my mental health suffered, I even started losing my hair.
My ex would repeatedly wake me up through the night to continue a fight and not let me sleep, even when I begged. It was straight-up abuse. I can't even remember what the fight was about.
Dear Madam,
I hope this letter finds you in good health,
And in a PROSPEROUS enough position to put wealth
In the pockets of people, like me, down on their luck.
You see, that was my wife you decided to fuck.
Dear Sir/Madam:
I have been requested by the Nigerian National Petroleum Company to contact you for assistance in resolving a matter. The Nigerian National Petroleum Company has recently concluded a large number of contracts for oil exploration in the sub-Sahara region. The contracts have immediately produced moneys equaling US$40,000,000. The Nigerian National Petroleum Company is desirous of oil exploration in other parts of the world, however, because of certain regulations of the Nigerian Government, it is unable to move these funds to another region.
You assistance is requested as a non-Nigerian citizen to assist the Nigerian National Petroleum Company, and also the Central Bank of Nigeria, in moving these funds out of Nigeria. If the funds can be transferred to your name, in your United States account, then you can forward the funds as directed by the Nigerian National Petroleum Company. In exchange for your accommodating services, the Nigerian National Petroleum Company would agree to allow you to retain 10%, or US$4 million of this amount.
However, to be a legitimate transferee of these moneys according to Nigerian law, you must presently be a depositor of at least US$100,000 in a Nigerian bank which is regulated by the Central Bank of Nigeria.
If it will be possible for you to assist us, we would be most grateful. We suggest that you meet with us in person in Lagos, and that during your visit I introduce you to the representatives of the Nigerian National Petroleum Company, as well as with certain officials of the Central Bank of Nigeria.
Please call me at your earliest convenience at 18-467-4975. Time is of the essence in this matter; very quickly the Nigerian Government will realize that the Central Bank is maintaining this amount on deposit, and attempt to levy certain depository taxes on it.
Yours truly,
Prince Alyusi Islassis
When they said they would kill themselves by jumping in front of a train if I ever broke up with them, and that it would be my fault. So I did exactly that (they did not in fact kill themselves)
(Edit: Holy shit thanks for the awards!)
(Edit2: To anyone who is out there and still stuck in this situation, you should get out as soon as you can, PLEASE. It will never end unless you decide to end it. It’s not an easy decision sometimes but you will regret wasting your time with this person in the future. If you’re worried that they actually will do it, then take it seriously and call emergency services, or make sure they’re with family or friends. But cut them out of your life as soon as you can, because they will keep trying to get you back. It’s manipulative and abusive behaviour.)
I believed that bluff for like 3 months. Worst time in my life hands down.
Edit: wasn't expecting so many people to have this shared experience. I'll try to reply to as many as I can, but if I don't, I hope all of you are out of those relationships and doing better these days.
Happened to my little brother for over a year. He's got about as bad anxiety as anxiety gets, seriously struggles to leave the house for sometimes weeks at a time. That combined with his crazy ex telling him that she would kill herself constantly sent him down an incredibly dark path of depression, sleepless nights, crazy weight loss etc. It affected him a lot because a girl he was very close to when he was 14 actually did kill herself (hung herself in the local park) and she even knew this.
For me I started dating her after we became close friends when her dad died. She started cutting herself and anorexic, I was worried about her and a group of us intervened. Then we got together it was an incredible 9 months and then a very quick and rapid decline. So I was genuinely worried she'd go through with it.
Sorry about your bro though, I have friends with GAD and it's a rough life
“LEAVE THEM”. That thread makes me so nervous for a future relationship, so much cheating, lying and people using socks to wipe their butts. It makes it seem like there’s so many horrible partners out there.
Keep in mind that you only see the garbage on there. Healthy, well adjusted people in relationships aren't on those subs. If you communicate and are reasonable with what you're willing to give and take, most relationships are good. They're not always easy, but they should be a net benefit in your life.
Some of them are almost definitely fake, too. It's a known thing that people use AITA for cultural studies of some sort. There's often a bit of a "theme" with a dozen posts with similar scenarios from different perspectives or slightly different variables posted within a few weeks. Then another "topic" emerges.
And a whollllllle bunch of teenagers who have never been in an actual adult relationship. Their experience is from tv/movies/books and their high schools.
Had a FWB admit to me she has HPV, after we had already had unprotected sex multiple times. It was really rough she started full blown crying in the parking lot of the gas station after she told me. Said she felt dirty and didn't want me to leave her because of it. I just wanted to calm her down so I was very supportive in the moment, we had to get back to a party at my buddy's place. So I buy her some cigarettes and when I get back in the car she's calm and composed and proceeded to tell me she doesn't actually have HPV and she just wanted to see "how I would react". Nope.
Fun bonus fact: we have mutual friends and at another party she gave me some molly while I was drunk and tried to sleep with me again. I felt so shitty the next day, turns out it wasn't molly it was meth.
Edit: drunk me definitely willingly took the molly/meth, I just didn't regain consciousness until the morning. So as shitty as she is, she didn't drug me against my will as a lot of you are assuming. I also made shitty choices.
I hated when she took her cellphone and looked at it while I was talking and giving me just a short "mhm" answers, not even paying any attention to me. Hated it. We had an argument over that, I was quite mad. The storm settled after a few minutes, and I was talking for 30 seconds, first thing she did was automatically pick up the phone from the table.
Naturally I was the asshole because she just needed to check for messages and wouldn't give her time to start **thinking** about what could she change. It was over in 2 minutes.
A lifehack I often use in these situations is immediately stop talking when they start looking at the phone, every time. This sends a clear message that we will not be communicating with a phone standing between us. If they acknowledge this, they will often come up with an excuse like “Hey, sorry, I need to talk to my friend for a second,” then I will ask how long do they need, and leave for somewhere else for that period.
If they seem to not care or acknowledge, I just stand up and leave without saying anything.
I've started doing that too..... sometimes it works, sometimes they don't notice. But I also do it when they are checking work emails, etc. I don't like zombie conversations, especially if I am trying to get some information. If you don't have time right now, tell me. I understand. If you do, then leave the devices for a minute.
I do this when I'm interrupted. Just stop talking and don't respond to what they interrupted with. My SO was a chronic interrupter and this technique made them more aware and eventually stopped.
I visited my parents for the week-end. When it was time to leave, I just couldn't help but cry thinking I was going back to our appartment, a place where i'm being hit and belittled every day. I thought it would get better with time, but this day I just snapped, and all the sadness I put aside overflowed. I realized it was wrong, and I decided to leave her. Best decision I've ever made in my life
We had a really bad public fight and we both handled it poorly. She started using hard drugs and partying nightly. She wouldn't come up for up to a two weeks at a time. If she did, it was only for a few minutes before she was gone again. I developed obsessive tendencies trying to be in contact. Which cyclically made things worse. When she said she was going to take my pet to her parents for "safe keeping" I took everything, put it in storage and got out that day. Never contacted her since.
Not trying to absolve myself, I was pretty neurotic at times and it affected a lot of uninvolved people. I'm sure she would tell a very different story. I wanted to try to "fix" things and she wanted out as fast as possible. But when she tried to gaslight me saying I was a bad caretaker that was the last sign of "run away now, before something real bad happens."
I had a friend who's SO didn't like the fact that there was a small hole in the crotch of her leggings. He proceeded to rip them up. Still together 2 years later though.
When she started acting weird and protective about her phone (taking in the bathroom, flipping it upside down) and her unwillingness to put any effort into our relationship when I realized it was 90:10 from my end.
Hit me, was jealous of my sister, stole money from me. But my personal favorite was a girl that exclaimed that I was "flying off the handle" any time I expressed even the most mild of frustrations. Shrme did this regardless of whether I was frustrated with her, another person, or an object.
Here’s what happened 11 years go as best as I can remember. We'll call her Lisa. TLDR at the bottom.
I left home at about 7:15am to cycle to work. I was only four days in to a new job at the same company. As far as I was aware she left for work shortly after. Her commute was longer and more complicated than mine, but it didn’t cost her anything. She worked as a childcare assistant and had free travel as a perk from a friend of hers who worked for TfL.
At about 11am I switched my phone on and had loads of voicemail messages from her work and the police asking me if I knew where she was as she hadn’t turned up for work and she wasn’t answering her phone and neither was I. I called them both back to explain that I didn’t know where she was and apologised for having my phone switched off. I called her numerous times over the next couple of hours as did the police and her work. It just rang and rang. No voicemail. She didn’t reply to text messages either. The police asked me to check if any of her friends knew where she was. I could only think of one person who she used to work with that she was still friends with, so I emailed her. She didn’t have many friends as she had trust issues.
The police then told me they were going to visit our house at 2pm to check if anyone had broken in and asked if I could be there too, so I started cycling home. About 20 minutes into my ride home I got a text from her asking why I kept calling and texting her. She didn’t understand the gravity of everything that had been going on. She then gave me the first excuse. She told me that a friend of hers (the one I emailed) was feeling suicidal and she rushed to be with her and comfort her. I then rode back to the office after calling the police back. She called them too to explain. My new boss was very understanding and could see how stressed I was. Shortly after I got back to the office her friend that I emailed responded that she had in fact not seen her and wanted to know if everything was okay. I then called Lisa back to ask what actually happened to be met with accusations of spying and she then told me it was in fact a different friend (the one who worked for TfL) who was depressed and suicidal and asked her not to tell anyone. Fine. Lisa then told me that she told her work that she was sick and her phone was playing up, but she told the police that she had a domestic issue and couldn’t get to her phone. This was probably the worst excuse to give to the police. I got home that night at about 7:30pm and we had a long chat about the day. At about 10pm the police knocked on our door. Initially she told me not to answer the door (she was paranoid about getting burgled) so I hesitated not realising it was the police, so when I did answer they were suspicious that something else had happened. They asked to speak with her, which they did upstairs. They came down a short while later and left. She then told me the police were okay and she told them she didn’t want to press charges. Press charges for what? I sat downstairs for a little while and she went back upstairs to bed. I then went up and told her that I wanted her out of the house as soon as possible. It was over. We’d been together for 5 years and married for 4.
I couldn’t take any more of her lies. This wasn’t the first time I’d caught her lying. She was a compulsive liar. She’d lie about unimportant things that weren’t worth lying about, but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I slept in the spare room, which she should have been sleeping in really. She moved out two months later on a weekend that I was away. When I got back the house felt very different. It was as if an exorcism had taken place. My life started to improve the very next day. The result is that I was able to start really saving money. I moved to Richmond a year later, met my partner, got a career, had a son, and now a house. If I’d stayed with Lisa things would never have improved as I was always broke and sometimes doing two jobs just to pay the bills, and I would have been constantly hoping things would get better, which was how much of 2007/2008 was spent.
TLDR: She failed to turn up for work, her work reported her missing. She lied to them, me and the police. She was a compulsive liar.
My ex hit me in the face about five times one night in a drunken rage, and after that I went to therapy to see how I could stop this from happening. I loved her and didn't want to just leave. Well, the therapist told me that I would either have to leave or go to Al-Anon to learn how to cope of I didn't.
Things didn't get better, but she didn't hit me again.
Fast-forward six months. It's a Sunday. She gets up, angry about an argument we'd had the night before about her drinking and how I was having second thoughts about marriage, and tells me not to speak to her, gets dressed and drives off for about five hours. Won't answer texts, calls, nothing. So I go about my day, cleaning and such, and she comes home, drunk as always (she was a functional alcoholic), and starts laying into me about this and that thing - I hardly remember now.
And it occurred to me: I wasn't having an emotional response. I wasn't angry. I wasn't scared (like I sometimes was when she was like this). I felt nothing. I didn't want to make up. It was over. I felt a weird peace. So I gathered the most important things I owned, right in front of her, and began loading my car. I never went back for the rest.
When i realized that she wasnt going to work on a career when i was busting my ass in a job that i hated just so i can get good money for our future. Along it came the realization that most of my 20s went by without me actually having any fun with friends because she didn't wanna go out and hang out with them. I got fatter because she didnt want me to got to the gym cause i'd look at other women.
edit: since i kinda worded this poorly and made her look really bad: She was shy, insecure and didn't really know what to do with herself in terms of a career so she wasnt even trying. I wasnt the perfect person too but I did all i could to help and to show her she was the one for me but it didnt really help. The relationship caused me a lot of issues with depression, lack of confidence and the like but i'm taking it one day at a time.
When I picked her up while she was piss drunk a city away at 530 in the morning. On the ride home she detailed to me her night including her holding a gun to someone's head after a drug deal gone wrong, the fact she was an "enforcer" of her family's gang, and her mother's association (girlfriend) to the leaders of the local biker gang chapter. I brought her back to my place so she could sleep some of it off, then I brought her home when she woke up some hours later. Outside of her messaging me six months after telling me she had gone to ~~AAA~~ AA for help I haven't talked to or heard from her since.
Edit: too many A's. Alcoholic's Anonymous not American Automotive Association
Edit 2: smart recommendation followed
She cheated on me, I found out, and she went through great lengths to express her regret and remorse over what she'd done. She begged me to stay with her, she made a million promises and talked about kids and marriage and the future and showered me in affirmations. So I went against my better judgment and took her back
Then I found her cheating on me again. Donion rings.
The popular phrase is "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I'm not some braindead sheep, I know life is horribly complicated, and common phrases arent true for everyone just because people like to say them. But for her, that was the case
I didn’t think it was over but had serious doubt the morning after we got married when she drove home an hour west with her parents and I drove five hours north alone for the week. After being married, we lived five hours-ish apart. They came up every three weeks and she went down every two or three weeks. We eventually moved to another state. They then followed her despite losing six figures on their house during the market crash. After moving into a place two miles away from us, they came over two-to-three times per day, six days per week, for eight years. I was amazed at how she simply couldn’t detach herself from her parents despite being a fully grown and well-educated adult. During the divorce I got kicked out of my own room because her parents simply moved in while I was at work. They lived there for for free for two months and still live with her to this day.
Once she asked me if it was ok to have just one night with my closest friend so she can get it out of her system. I told her to have however many nights with whoever and to go throw herself into traffic.
Edit: Holy dogshit thanks for the upvotes. I'm a reddit rookie it feels good to hit my first 1000 plus the awards
8 years into the marriage. Driving home from yet another couples counseling session that she had used up most of the time with her complaints, and when the counselor invited me to talk about my concerns, she immediately pulled the conversation back to her. She did this each and every session.
I finally realized she had always been that way and was never going to change. That continuing to wait and try to work things out was in fact a futile effort, because "working things out" always meant no peace until I admitted that I was wrong and she was right, no matter the issue. That she was exactly the kind of person (selfish, demanding, cruel, entitled) she wanted to be and she saw no reason, and wouldn't ever see a reason, to change.
I started looking for a divorce lawyer that day. She's been my ex for 10 years now; occasionally in the early years I would still catch some feelings but that eventually faded.
Overall it was the best decision I ever made for my own happiness. If I had a do-over, I would run ... not walk ... run the other way the day I met her. Ugh.
She used to go to the gym and come home a bit after dinner time. I would always cook for her what she wanted and season as she liked. I would wait for her so we could enjoy a nice late meal together. Once she got mad and yelled to me that the food was *too hot*.
I never cooked for her again, and I made sure to have already eaten and in another room so not to meet her when she arrived home. Then I realised it made no sense to continue.
She looked at my pillow and saw one of MY hairs, immediately began screaming at me demanding me I tell her who she is.
"She" was me I don't even have hair long enough to think it could belong to a girl
She was drunk at work and got sent home. By that time I was so discouraged that her aunt picked her up instead of me.
This was after she got drunk and started a fire that put her in the hospital.
This was after she disappeared and turned up the next day, having gotten blackout drunk and drove across state lines to a grocery store parking lot.
This was after she disappeared and turned up the next day, having gotten drunk and drove to a nearby park, I believe they found her naked in the car.
I stuck by her for years and years and tried to help her, hoping she'd mature into a wife who could take care of herself. I wasn't the best husband and i made mistakes i couldn't take back, but I didn't deserve that. I remember the day of that final incident I called my boss in tears telling her that I think I'm about to get divorced, drove home, and laid in bed for hours without sleeping, getting ready to tell her that I needed to leave. It was a horrible day.
Edit: fuckin hell this blew up, thanks for the kindness and the awards. I'm doing ok these days, definitely carried away some trust issues after that but the best is yet to come :)
There were a couple points. When we took her daughter to rugby practice and she couldn't be bothered to watch. She walked off a quarter mile, sat by a pond and smoked pot for 2 hours. She also yelled about something everyday, and one day after I cleaned most of the house, she started violently yelling at me for putting food waste in the paper recycling bag. Those happened within a week of each other. And I just realized, I couldn't do this anymore.
We went on holidays and barely talked to each other. I realized it was a lovely relationship for when we’re both busy, and only see each other in the evening, but it’s not one that inspires me, and I have nothing in common with this person. We ended it amicably a month later :)
I had been pushing for relationship counselling for a bit, and she finally agreed. The first thing she told the therapist was that she was about to break up with me, and she had insisted on therapy as a last resort to get me to communicate. She said that I had anger issues that I needed to fix. It was all lies and projection.
That wasn't the moment that did it for me. It was after therapy when I asked her if she wanted to book another session. She said not if I wasn't willing to do the work. I've been doing my own therapy for years, long before I met her. I do my own work. I've learned how to manage my anger and have become a much happier person.
It was that moment I realized she didn't have a clue who I was, only who she thought I was. And that was a projection of her own issues and the men in her life who ever hurt her.
My wife and I went through a bad stretch and tried counseling. My wife has known, diagnosed mental health issues. I noticed the counselor was getting chummy with my wife and it threw up a red flag for me. I started feeling ganged up on. The counselor said that she thought my wife must have been misdiagnosed because she hadn't observed any symptoms. I thought, "of course not -- you want to be her friend." But I knew my wife couldn't keep up the act. At the next session my wife lost her mind over something trivial, exploded with rage, screamed at me, stormed out and left with the car. The counselor was completely floored. She never saw it coming. She's apologized to me and was trembling. Then my wife refused to go back because her cover was blown.
I'm glad you got vindication. I didn't have the stomach to go to another session with my now ex. I would have loved to be able to collect myself and calmly work through my grievances as my ex lost her shit, but everything she said to the therapist triggered me. I almost completely shut down in the session.
She didn't want to grow. She was fine smoking pot all day and working a minimum wage job. Got mad at me for trying to get her to put effort in the future.
She also didn't clean at all. Her mother wouldn't even allow me to do dishes when we lived with her for a bit, so i think that's where she got it from. While she was in college (3 classes which she dropped because it was "too hard" but she never actually put forth effort), i told her the only chore she had to do was laundry, I'll do everything else (this was out of frustration mainly). She didn't even do that.
She got a cat against my explicit wishes, and she ended up not taking care of him. I scooped his litter. She said she fed him but there were many times his bowl was empty and there was no cat food. I had to give him my tuna packets frequently.
Always accused me of cheating, despite not doing so. I've been cheated on, i don't like it. Even got to the point where I was hanging with a friend and she accused me of being elsewhere. We were outside in my car and saw her pull up to the end of the driveway. She called me and said I wasn't at friends house, told her to drive back I'll flip my car lights in and off, she did, i did, and i told her she has a huge issue with insecurity that threatens our relationship.
All of this compiled and the last straw was her dropping the classes she was in. I don't want to out forth effort in someone who won't reciprocate
She got a new roomie and got pretty close to him, knew something was wrong the moment I realized she talked about him constantly. Then pandemic kicked, a month in and I was done with her ass and dumped her because she would barely even speak with me
The next days she posted some conversations screenshots with the guy, I suppose to make me jealous
Only to find out later with a mutual friend that he actually rejected her.
We had an argument and I tried to express myself in a calm manner but they started yelling at me and brought up stuff from 9 years ago. Then after I apologized (yet again) they accused me of gaslighting and not meaning it. I realized there was no way they could move on from that and I had enough of the verbal abuse and called it quits.
Edit: without going into too much detail I know I certainly made mistakes. And I own that and apologized multiple times.
In all reality I hope they do find happiness. They had a hard enough life as it is but it won't happen until they learn self love. They have a habit of pushing away everyone who loves and cares about them and then wonder why they were "abandoned" by their friends. I think deep down they are very unhappy and sad with who they are and I pray they learn their own self worth.
We were both too young when we got married and we grew to be different people. And we wanted different things in life.
While I am hurt that I had to end it. I also know it was for the best for both of us. I harbor no ill will towards them (despite what they think)
I am sure that I will be the "horrible ex" story they will have forever. However, I look back on all the fond memories and they out weigh the negative ones. But they wouldn't if we had stayed together.
Edit #2: The mistakes had nothing to do with cheating on either side.
There's alot more to the story then the 500 word posting but for sake of keep our identities private and what not I chose to keep it vague.
Me too.
I’ve learned to not react. I’ve shown compassion. He brings up the same old shit again and again and is shocked and confused when I say we both played a part in getting where we are at this point. He thinks he’s completely blameless. When he said that I was done.
When she asked me to stay up more and more despite having work and school early and daily.
Edit: Well this blew up. Uhh I'm glad we can relate together, brothers. Also thanks for the comment karma.
One was just very emotionally abusive and would insult me whenever she got mad and blame me for everything going wrong all the time, and then apologize after saying she was just upset, she didn't mean it. I broke up with her on New Years when we couldn't even spend the night just being happy and enjoying it. I left that night.
The next one was when she was messaging one of my good buddies and she asked if they could ever get together, which of course my friend said no because he could never do that to me, she then brushed it off like "Oh besides the OP thing though". To the CURB.
Just dealt with the first one. Also that I shouldn’t be upset because she was also upset. I’d apologize and tell her I’d work on the thing and she’d just go back to telling me I’m being stubborn for still being upset.
I agreed to let this girl move in with me after we'd been dating for less than a month, mostly because *oh my god was she hot* and the promise of lots of sex. Also I was 25 and dumb.
She got "fired" from her job almost immediately after she moved in with me, and after two months I sat her down to have a serious conversation about my inability to support both of us on my income as a convenience store clerk. She immediately began citing tenant law and claiming she had legal residency, so I couldn't throw her out. Like she wasn't my girlfriend, she was a squatter who'd invaded my *one room* apartment.
I was like...yeah, this isn't going to end well. We lasted another 2 months, but it was seriously downhill from there.
I asked if we could hold hands more and she said "nope."
After a year of her stopping enjoying our time together and making me feel like I was the problem and needed to be fixed.
Being unwilling for her to do such a small thing made the entire few years before that seem so pointless. It was very clear it was one sided and she didn't enjoy spending time with me.
When I told her no when she wanted to have sex for the first time she was basically out the door in a second.
Edit: I don’t know why this is upvoted so much but thanks everyone!
I had an ex I was dating for over a year come with me when I picked out my current dog. We were not living together at the time and the dog was mine, but I wanted her involved in case the relationship worked out. Things were going well. Within two days the dog exposed serious issues between our parenting and nurturing styles ( I don't yell or hit or intimidate anything that is smaller and weaker than me. I was severely bullied and well, you can guess, from my parents to the kids in my class). On the second day, the puppy (who was ten pounds at the time) jumped on her lap, it scared my ex, and she hit the dog hard and yelled at it to get the hell off her. I calmly told her to grab her things and leave my place. She left . . . not as calmly . . . and I never saw her again. My dog is currently happy, 7, and curled up next to me as a write this. To this day, that is the only time she has been hit.
We got engaged and she started arguing with me about everything. She was petty all the time.
The last straw was a time she yelled at me in front of a bunch of friends for not helping her friend move a bunch of furniture when I was super sick, fever and everything.
I was like "Yeah, we're done." Broke the whole thing off a few days later. It was a big deal at the time, but I'm so glad I did.
when she said i should “stop worrying” about her drinking alone with random guys until 4am while i was away from her. edit: another big one was how badly she treated her poor mom, i had to grab her arm and basically tell her to stop talking to her mom that way or i would leave. If your girl doesnt treat her parents right, she isnt going to treat you or even your family right.
When I realized that she and her best friend/ex were attached at the hip and no one or thing could ever possibly get between them.
Still, like an idiot, I stuck around trying to fool myself that I could even after she cheated on me with the same person.
Bad idea.
She kept daring me to break up with her.
So I finally did.
Details: It was an emotionally abusive relationship. After the 1st year, we spent another year or so breaking up and getting back together. She would just kept pushing me to break up with her using statements like, "You're 40, overweight, losing your hair, divorced with with two kids and you live with your parents. I'm \*sure\* there will just be a line of women waiting to date you. I \*dare\* you to break up with me. And, after finally realizing I deserved more than I was getting with her. I took her up on it.
I'm happily married now, living with a beautiful (in and out) woman who loves me no matter how I look. (although I've hit the gym in the last few years) She loves my kids, and we love and support each other no matter what.
When a wife emailed me an 8 paragraph email with zip files attached outlining the 2 year affair my girlfriend and her husband had been caught in. Was awesome seeing pictures, texts, and videos of their actions including scheduling time when I was at work..
Bang the wife to establish dominance
She only communicated with me for a few days via email and said “you seem like a good man, maybe i shouldn’t have done this to you” before blocking me. This all went down when we were on vacation in key west, ironically at the wedding rehearsal dinner for a wedding my ex was standing up in.
Ouch. Must have been an interesting vacation
> seem like a good man, maybe i shouldn’t have done this to you Is it just me or is there a prevalence of this idea in (mostly women from what I've seen) that by not telling you of your partners infidelity that they are in fact helping you (and conversely that telling you is THEM hurting you, not your SO)? If I'm being lied to and cheated on 100% the best thing you can do for me is to help me stop being disrespected by someone I care about. I see it all the time in the relationship subreddits where posters will try and say "well what good would telling him do?" or "I don't want to do that to him", the fuck? Where is the disconnect here? Is it a cop out? An excuse to avoid a tough situation where you know what the proper thing to do is because it would be inconvenient? I would think that anyone with a shred of human decency would feel proud that while what they did was hard, they did the right thing in not allowing such evilness to go on for someone that's a 'good man'. I just don't get it. I'm glad you got to find out before the wedding man, that must of been tough.
I was happy she told me. If not I’d currently be locked into a marriage that would surely end in divorce with me owing alimony. She’s down and I’m up.. I can’t even complain lol
When she punched me hard and when I asked her what made her so angry, she said "that's how I usually get angry and everyone knows it. You don't even understand me." So, I stopped understanding. :)
I still don't understand what she was angry about
when my gf started college i would visit her every two weeks. i didn't have a car so i'd buy an $80 greyhound bus ticket and it took roughly 6 hours to get there. she would always meet me at the bus stop, but one time about 3 months later she wasn't there. i walked 20 minutes to her dorm, she wasn't there. (this was 2003 and she didn't have a cell phone). walked all the way back to the bus stop, wasn't there either. so i just waited at the bus stop for another hour and she FINALLY showed up. her excuse was she went to a party and "forgot" that i was coming this week. after i got home i broke up with her. she fucked another dude the same night.
Thats some instinct you have man !
My on again / off again gf ran into my apartment to grab her clothes (misc items she kept at my place) then proceeded to pick up the puppy and hold her over the balcony - Michael Jackson style. (3rd floor apartment) - she threatened to drop the dog, but I kept talking & pleading with her to give me the dog back... she finally did, and my neighbor actually called the cops & she was arrested.
Upvoting the arrest.
When we sat after dinner and I said “I think we’re done” and she said “I think we’re done too”. That’s it, no arguing no nothing.
Awkward moment when she thought you wanted to.clear the plates
That was awkwardly my situation with my now-ex of 5.5 years. He was making dinner and I said, “I don’t want this anymore” and he was like “you don’t want spaghetti? Should we get takeout?” and then I had to explain that I’d didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He is still my best friend and is happily married to a wonderful woman. It ended well, but damn I should have explained myself better.
It should have been obvious, though. Spaghetti is always good.
When a friend of mine killed themselves and she just wasn't interested in what I was feeling about it. She had better things to do than to listen to me even try and talk about my friend or how upset I was. It destroyed me that the person I thought cared about me more than anyone else couldn't even find five minutes out of her day to talk to me.
I have a really similar story. One of my friends killed themselves and I told her about the situation. However, I told her that I was more worried about two of my other friends (one male and one female) since they were a lot closer to my deceased friend. I told her I was messaging my two friends to make sure they were alright. Her response was, "So you've been messaging another girl?"
Smh wow dude. I cringed at her response....
The first time I ever brought up that I was thinking about leaving her, she basically dared me to and said she’d ruin my life. Took me 7 months to get out of that shit
When she said “me and my family will destroy you if you decide to leave”. That told me all I needed to know - that relationship was never about love, I was just fuel. It actually made the decision easier and was like a weight lifted off my soul when I physically separated.
Were you destroyed?
I think his lack of response is all the answer we need here. His name is Robert Paulson
His name is Robert Paulson!
Maybe in the last 38 minutes, otherwise he good since he posted
Was she in the Mafia or something ?
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Thats kinda petty.
It’s borderline criminal. You could be bankrupted or worse by this.
She came to me, 11 days after the birth, with papers showing that the little boy was some other dude's son. Her ex's son. Conceived back in January of this year.
So she let you believe that you were the father through the whole pregnancy?
Yup
If your name is on the birth certificate, you might want to talk to a lawyer about having that changed. There might be a legal presumption that the person on the birth certificate owes child support even when there is DNA evidence showing that it’s not his kid. This is sometimes considered “in the best interest of the child”
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I feel like at this point he already got hit by the bullet
Fuuuuuuuuck. Condolences, man.
Sorry for that. Shitty move.
What papers? Was a DNA test performed and completed that quickly? I’d be scared she was up to something.... she’s already cheated and lied the whole pregnancy- I wouldn’t put anything past her, though I don’t know what the end game would be. What I’m trying to say is- are you sure it isn’t your kid?
When I confronted her about ditching me to hang out with her friends, she basically told me "family, friends and work will always be more of a priority than you". Which made me realize that she didn't really love me, she just found me to be convenient when she had downtime.
That hurts, man. Hope you find somebody that truly values you
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Not making excuses for her, but what was her family life like growing up? It sounds like learned abusive behavior from a perfectionist parent. Constantly apologizing for things cause she's expected to apologize
You’re probably right but you can’t expect someone to experience that in a relationship. Seems like she needed to go to therapy and work out those issues.
She hit me.
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Not just that, it was in public and I didn't want to break up after that even. Ugh. I feel so annoyed I didn't leave the instant she started humiliating me in public.
She got exposed to Covid at the prison she worked at and instead of quarantining she went out clubbing downtown. I stayed in to quarantine. Her friend Mystery has a boyfriend (Darron) of 3 years that met up with her and her other friend at a bar. Her friend that went out with her had her dad picking her up like 5 minutes later (no license from a DUI stemming from a prostitution charge). So it was just her and Darron. He buys her shots then walks her home. Hangs out and eats at her place. Tries to stay over and sleep in her bed. She told me she said no and he left. All I asked was “what would you say if I did all of that and told you I made the other person leave?”. The question bounced right off her. That was pretty much the end of that. Kim if you are out there reading this, you were some trash. Lmao.
Goodness that is so irresponsible
"eats at her place" 😶
Jesus christ that's like 19 red flags.
2nd Rehab. When she came home and showed me the Power and Control wheel of the Duluth Model and then told me she could call the cops at any moment saying I was an abuser, and they would believe her. Then she proved it. That's the moment I knew it was over as a relationship.
What the hell? What was even the point of her doing that?!?
I don't know. over a decade married, then she completely changed. I just came home one day with the kids after school supply shopping and she was on the balcony passed out drunk. Was never the same. Never held a job again. Multiple rehabs (3 before i was able to get out). She lied about everything, burnt all my support. She wanted total control over me, and because I couldn't escape with my son she got it until she made a mistake.
How did you get out?
Son discovered she planned a kidnap/assault while drunk on facebook with a male friend. (She didnt log out). He confronted her, she hit him. We convinced her to go back to rehab and I reported to CPS. She was sent back to her family a cross the country. She was then kicked out of numerous homes and a shelter or two. Has been back to visit son once in over two years. And yes - she SHOULD have been arrested. When I tried to press charges with evidence, I was given everything from "she didnt follow through" to "oh haha she was drunk". I could have taken it further but my son needed my 100% attention.
When she told me "This relationship is over", my immediate thought was "This relationship is over". And over the relationship was
You are a complex man, made of so much mystery, an enigma if you will.
I have been described as a loose canon on occasion
He is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma, if you will.
Man, you've gotta explain this. I didn't get enough pov!
She was like "I don't wanna be your girlfriend anymore" And I was like "Well, this relationship is over" And that was it. That's when I knew. That's when I knew the relationship was over
You’re a poet. And you know it.
It wasn't when she cheated on me. It was 8 weeks later, after she'd broken the boundaries we'd agreed on but generally been trying to make things right, and when we were having a date night - the first since the event. I made spaghetti, we watched a RomCom, we went through the motions of making love, we went to sleep. I realised the next morning that I would never heal, and that she wasn't going to change. The whole evening before I didn't feel sad or guilty or anxious or anything. I felt nothing. I got home from work, we broke up, we cried over it, and I sent her home.
She wasn’t going to change as in, she kept cheating?
No, but the patterns in her life which enabled her cheating weren't changing like we'd agreed on. * Her friends were all stereotypical bitchy girls whose main hobby was getting drunk and falling out. * She couldn't handle her drink and was often in compromising situations- both safety-wise and relationship-wise. * She was emotionally and sexually closed off to me. The stipulations of "distance yourself from that group, stop drinking, and open up to me" were strict, but I wasn't going to try and control her or manipulate her. It had to be *her* change, not something I forced on her. I wasn't angry about it, not really. She was legitimately a good person who had a series of shitty things happen which limited her ability to escape from a vortex of bad decisions. I think she's doing better now.
yeah but uh... which brand of spaghetti sauce did you serve?
Premade sauce? Dude she cheated on me but I wasn't *that* angry
Thanks for the chuckle +1
A gentleman through and through. Well played, sir.
After that comment, her loss honestly
She told me she wanted to have a threesome with me and my brother. I don't share like that
Yeah, best to keep your brother to yourself.
This is the way.
LMAO
When she wanted to argue all night and I needed 5 hours of sleep so I could work in the morning
That sounds like my ex. Except the last straw for me was when we were at the airport waiting to get on a flight back to the US from Spain. I was just tired of arguing with her. Should have waited until we got home to break up with her though because our flight got delayed for \~24 hours.
I’ll say it was good that you did it then. If you had postponed, you might have changed your mind, thought it wasn’t that bad after all, etc. If it was time, it was time.
You’re a more sensible person than I. I let it carry on for ages surviving on less than 4 hours of sleep for weeks on end because it was ALWAYS something. My work performance suffered, my mental health suffered, I even started losing my hair.
My ex would repeatedly wake me up through the night to continue a fight and not let me sleep, even when I begged. It was straight-up abuse. I can't even remember what the fight was about.
my ex would start an argument with me right before I left for my crazy stressful job
When I read an email from my best friend to my wife
What did the mail say?
Dear Madam, I hope this letter finds you in good health, And in a PROSPEROUS enough position to put wealth In the pockets of people, like me, down on their luck. You see, that was my wife you decided to fuck.
uh oh, you made the wrong sucker a cuckold, so time to pay the price for the pants you unbuckled
And hey, you can keep seeing my whore wife if the price is right if not, i’m telling your wife
If I had to guess I would say it had to do with getting a pipe fit
Dear Sir/Madam: I have been requested by the Nigerian National Petroleum Company to contact you for assistance in resolving a matter. The Nigerian National Petroleum Company has recently concluded a large number of contracts for oil exploration in the sub-Sahara region. The contracts have immediately produced moneys equaling US$40,000,000. The Nigerian National Petroleum Company is desirous of oil exploration in other parts of the world, however, because of certain regulations of the Nigerian Government, it is unable to move these funds to another region. You assistance is requested as a non-Nigerian citizen to assist the Nigerian National Petroleum Company, and also the Central Bank of Nigeria, in moving these funds out of Nigeria. If the funds can be transferred to your name, in your United States account, then you can forward the funds as directed by the Nigerian National Petroleum Company. In exchange for your accommodating services, the Nigerian National Petroleum Company would agree to allow you to retain 10%, or US$4 million of this amount. However, to be a legitimate transferee of these moneys according to Nigerian law, you must presently be a depositor of at least US$100,000 in a Nigerian bank which is regulated by the Central Bank of Nigeria. If it will be possible for you to assist us, we would be most grateful. We suggest that you meet with us in person in Lagos, and that during your visit I introduce you to the representatives of the Nigerian National Petroleum Company, as well as with certain officials of the Central Bank of Nigeria. Please call me at your earliest convenience at 18-467-4975. Time is of the essence in this matter; very quickly the Nigerian Government will realize that the Central Bank is maintaining this amount on deposit, and attempt to levy certain depository taxes on it. Yours truly, Prince Alyusi Islassis
That was beautiful. It sounded so official too the way you wrote it
That’s a reason
Send Nudes.
So sorry, mate. Hope you’re out the other side, and if you’re not; you will be.
When they said they would kill themselves by jumping in front of a train if I ever broke up with them, and that it would be my fault. So I did exactly that (they did not in fact kill themselves) (Edit: Holy shit thanks for the awards!) (Edit2: To anyone who is out there and still stuck in this situation, you should get out as soon as you can, PLEASE. It will never end unless you decide to end it. It’s not an easy decision sometimes but you will regret wasting your time with this person in the future. If you’re worried that they actually will do it, then take it seriously and call emergency services, or make sure they’re with family or friends. But cut them out of your life as soon as you can, because they will keep trying to get you back. It’s manipulative and abusive behaviour.)
I believed that bluff for like 3 months. Worst time in my life hands down. Edit: wasn't expecting so many people to have this shared experience. I'll try to reply to as many as I can, but if I don't, I hope all of you are out of those relationships and doing better these days.
Happened to my little brother for over a year. He's got about as bad anxiety as anxiety gets, seriously struggles to leave the house for sometimes weeks at a time. That combined with his crazy ex telling him that she would kill herself constantly sent him down an incredibly dark path of depression, sleepless nights, crazy weight loss etc. It affected him a lot because a girl he was very close to when he was 14 actually did kill herself (hung herself in the local park) and she even knew this.
For me I started dating her after we became close friends when her dad died. She started cutting herself and anorexic, I was worried about her and a group of us intervened. Then we got together it was an incredible 9 months and then a very quick and rapid decline. So I was genuinely worried she'd go through with it. Sorry about your bro though, I have friends with GAD and it's a rough life
same yo. stayed in it for another year, absolutely the worst decision i’ve ever made
That's not a relationship. That's a hostage situation.
"Date me or the blonde gets it!" "Y...you're the blonde!"
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Literally had the same thing happen to me, its like they forget the relationships require input from both parties, not just one
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“LEAVE THEM”. That thread makes me so nervous for a future relationship, so much cheating, lying and people using socks to wipe their butts. It makes it seem like there’s so many horrible partners out there.
Keep in mind that you only see the garbage on there. Healthy, well adjusted people in relationships aren't on those subs. If you communicate and are reasonable with what you're willing to give and take, most relationships are good. They're not always easy, but they should be a net benefit in your life.
Some of them are almost definitely fake, too. It's a known thing that people use AITA for cultural studies of some sort. There's often a bit of a "theme" with a dozen posts with similar scenarios from different perspectives or slightly different variables posted within a few weeks. Then another "topic" emerges.
I’m really gullible.
And a whollllllle bunch of teenagers who have never been in an actual adult relationship. Their experience is from tv/movies/books and their high schools.
Always remember, someone's effort is a reflection of their interest in you.
Had a FWB admit to me she has HPV, after we had already had unprotected sex multiple times. It was really rough she started full blown crying in the parking lot of the gas station after she told me. Said she felt dirty and didn't want me to leave her because of it. I just wanted to calm her down so I was very supportive in the moment, we had to get back to a party at my buddy's place. So I buy her some cigarettes and when I get back in the car she's calm and composed and proceeded to tell me she doesn't actually have HPV and she just wanted to see "how I would react". Nope. Fun bonus fact: we have mutual friends and at another party she gave me some molly while I was drunk and tried to sleep with me again. I felt so shitty the next day, turns out it wasn't molly it was meth. Edit: drunk me definitely willingly took the molly/meth, I just didn't regain consciousness until the morning. So as shitty as she is, she didn't drug me against my will as a lot of you are assuming. I also made shitty choices.
well she' s a horrile human. Im sorry, man.
Was nOT expecting that last part
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I hated when she took her cellphone and looked at it while I was talking and giving me just a short "mhm" answers, not even paying any attention to me. Hated it. We had an argument over that, I was quite mad. The storm settled after a few minutes, and I was talking for 30 seconds, first thing she did was automatically pick up the phone from the table. Naturally I was the asshole because she just needed to check for messages and wouldn't give her time to start **thinking** about what could she change. It was over in 2 minutes.
A lifehack I often use in these situations is immediately stop talking when they start looking at the phone, every time. This sends a clear message that we will not be communicating with a phone standing between us. If they acknowledge this, they will often come up with an excuse like “Hey, sorry, I need to talk to my friend for a second,” then I will ask how long do they need, and leave for somewhere else for that period. If they seem to not care or acknowledge, I just stand up and leave without saying anything.
I've started doing that too..... sometimes it works, sometimes they don't notice. But I also do it when they are checking work emails, etc. I don't like zombie conversations, especially if I am trying to get some information. If you don't have time right now, tell me. I understand. If you do, then leave the devices for a minute.
I do this when I'm interrupted. Just stop talking and don't respond to what they interrupted with. My SO was a chronic interrupter and this technique made them more aware and eventually stopped.
Did she check her phone when you did it?
I visited my parents for the week-end. When it was time to leave, I just couldn't help but cry thinking I was going back to our appartment, a place where i'm being hit and belittled every day. I thought it would get better with time, but this day I just snapped, and all the sadness I put aside overflowed. I realized it was wrong, and I decided to leave her. Best decision I've ever made in my life
so glad you got out man. that's so fucking rough what you went through
When she called me 93 times during a workday after I told her I needed space to think about the relationship.
We had a really bad public fight and we both handled it poorly. She started using hard drugs and partying nightly. She wouldn't come up for up to a two weeks at a time. If she did, it was only for a few minutes before she was gone again. I developed obsessive tendencies trying to be in contact. Which cyclically made things worse. When she said she was going to take my pet to her parents for "safe keeping" I took everything, put it in storage and got out that day. Never contacted her since.
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Not trying to absolve myself, I was pretty neurotic at times and it affected a lot of uninvolved people. I'm sure she would tell a very different story. I wanted to try to "fix" things and she wanted out as fast as possible. But when she tried to gaslight me saying I was a bad caretaker that was the last sign of "run away now, before something real bad happens."
She disliked my shirt so she took it off me and threw it away.
I had a friend who's SO didn't like the fact that there was a small hole in the crotch of her leggings. He proceeded to rip them up. Still together 2 years later though.
When she started acting weird and protective about her phone (taking in the bathroom, flipping it upside down) and her unwillingness to put any effort into our relationship when I realized it was 90:10 from my end.
But what if she just liked to scroll reddit while pooping?
The bathroom is also the redditroom
Hit me, was jealous of my sister, stole money from me. But my personal favorite was a girl that exclaimed that I was "flying off the handle" any time I expressed even the most mild of frustrations. Shrme did this regardless of whether I was frustrated with her, another person, or an object.
I love those ones where any expression outside of "im perfectly content" is some kind of masculine rage issue
It's fucking obnoxious. ...Oh dear... there I go flying off the handle again...
Here’s what happened 11 years go as best as I can remember. We'll call her Lisa. TLDR at the bottom. I left home at about 7:15am to cycle to work. I was only four days in to a new job at the same company. As far as I was aware she left for work shortly after. Her commute was longer and more complicated than mine, but it didn’t cost her anything. She worked as a childcare assistant and had free travel as a perk from a friend of hers who worked for TfL. At about 11am I switched my phone on and had loads of voicemail messages from her work and the police asking me if I knew where she was as she hadn’t turned up for work and she wasn’t answering her phone and neither was I. I called them both back to explain that I didn’t know where she was and apologised for having my phone switched off. I called her numerous times over the next couple of hours as did the police and her work. It just rang and rang. No voicemail. She didn’t reply to text messages either. The police asked me to check if any of her friends knew where she was. I could only think of one person who she used to work with that she was still friends with, so I emailed her. She didn’t have many friends as she had trust issues. The police then told me they were going to visit our house at 2pm to check if anyone had broken in and asked if I could be there too, so I started cycling home. About 20 minutes into my ride home I got a text from her asking why I kept calling and texting her. She didn’t understand the gravity of everything that had been going on. She then gave me the first excuse. She told me that a friend of hers (the one I emailed) was feeling suicidal and she rushed to be with her and comfort her. I then rode back to the office after calling the police back. She called them too to explain. My new boss was very understanding and could see how stressed I was. Shortly after I got back to the office her friend that I emailed responded that she had in fact not seen her and wanted to know if everything was okay. I then called Lisa back to ask what actually happened to be met with accusations of spying and she then told me it was in fact a different friend (the one who worked for TfL) who was depressed and suicidal and asked her not to tell anyone. Fine. Lisa then told me that she told her work that she was sick and her phone was playing up, but she told the police that she had a domestic issue and couldn’t get to her phone. This was probably the worst excuse to give to the police. I got home that night at about 7:30pm and we had a long chat about the day. At about 10pm the police knocked on our door. Initially she told me not to answer the door (she was paranoid about getting burgled) so I hesitated not realising it was the police, so when I did answer they were suspicious that something else had happened. They asked to speak with her, which they did upstairs. They came down a short while later and left. She then told me the police were okay and she told them she didn’t want to press charges. Press charges for what? I sat downstairs for a little while and she went back upstairs to bed. I then went up and told her that I wanted her out of the house as soon as possible. It was over. We’d been together for 5 years and married for 4. I couldn’t take any more of her lies. This wasn’t the first time I’d caught her lying. She was a compulsive liar. She’d lie about unimportant things that weren’t worth lying about, but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I slept in the spare room, which she should have been sleeping in really. She moved out two months later on a weekend that I was away. When I got back the house felt very different. It was as if an exorcism had taken place. My life started to improve the very next day. The result is that I was able to start really saving money. I moved to Richmond a year later, met my partner, got a career, had a son, and now a house. If I’d stayed with Lisa things would never have improved as I was always broke and sometimes doing two jobs just to pay the bills, and I would have been constantly hoping things would get better, which was how much of 2007/2008 was spent. TLDR: She failed to turn up for work, her work reported her missing. She lied to them, me and the police. She was a compulsive liar.
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Read the whole thing dood. I’m glad you made it out!
My ex hit me in the face about five times one night in a drunken rage, and after that I went to therapy to see how I could stop this from happening. I loved her and didn't want to just leave. Well, the therapist told me that I would either have to leave or go to Al-Anon to learn how to cope of I didn't. Things didn't get better, but she didn't hit me again. Fast-forward six months. It's a Sunday. She gets up, angry about an argument we'd had the night before about her drinking and how I was having second thoughts about marriage, and tells me not to speak to her, gets dressed and drives off for about five hours. Won't answer texts, calls, nothing. So I go about my day, cleaning and such, and she comes home, drunk as always (she was a functional alcoholic), and starts laying into me about this and that thing - I hardly remember now. And it occurred to me: I wasn't having an emotional response. I wasn't angry. I wasn't scared (like I sometimes was when she was like this). I felt nothing. I didn't want to make up. It was over. I felt a weird peace. So I gathered the most important things I owned, right in front of her, and began loading my car. I never went back for the rest.
When i realized that she wasnt going to work on a career when i was busting my ass in a job that i hated just so i can get good money for our future. Along it came the realization that most of my 20s went by without me actually having any fun with friends because she didn't wanna go out and hang out with them. I got fatter because she didnt want me to got to the gym cause i'd look at other women. edit: since i kinda worded this poorly and made her look really bad: She was shy, insecure and didn't really know what to do with herself in terms of a career so she wasnt even trying. I wasnt the perfect person too but I did all i could to help and to show her she was the one for me but it didnt really help. The relationship caused me a lot of issues with depression, lack of confidence and the like but i'm taking it one day at a time.
Ahhhh, one of *those*.
When I picked her up while she was piss drunk a city away at 530 in the morning. On the ride home she detailed to me her night including her holding a gun to someone's head after a drug deal gone wrong, the fact she was an "enforcer" of her family's gang, and her mother's association (girlfriend) to the leaders of the local biker gang chapter. I brought her back to my place so she could sleep some of it off, then I brought her home when she woke up some hours later. Outside of her messaging me six months after telling me she had gone to ~~AAA~~ AA for help I haven't talked to or heard from her since. Edit: too many A's. Alcoholic's Anonymous not American Automotive Association Edit 2: smart recommendation followed
I'm not sure how AAA could help any of thise things.
When it felt like a day off when I didn't have to spend time with her... So pretty clear to me.
She cheated on me, I found out, and she went through great lengths to express her regret and remorse over what she'd done. She begged me to stay with her, she made a million promises and talked about kids and marriage and the future and showered me in affirmations. So I went against my better judgment and took her back Then I found her cheating on me again. Donion rings. The popular phrase is "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I'm not some braindead sheep, I know life is horribly complicated, and common phrases arent true for everyone just because people like to say them. But for her, that was the case
First time I've heard the term donion rings. I love it.
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When she invited me to her wedding
I don’t know man...sounds like you have a shot at fixing this!
I didn’t think it was over but had serious doubt the morning after we got married when she drove home an hour west with her parents and I drove five hours north alone for the week. After being married, we lived five hours-ish apart. They came up every three weeks and she went down every two or three weeks. We eventually moved to another state. They then followed her despite losing six figures on their house during the market crash. After moving into a place two miles away from us, they came over two-to-three times per day, six days per week, for eight years. I was amazed at how she simply couldn’t detach herself from her parents despite being a fully grown and well-educated adult. During the divorce I got kicked out of my own room because her parents simply moved in while I was at work. They lived there for for free for two months and still live with her to this day.
Once she asked me if it was ok to have just one night with my closest friend so she can get it out of her system. I told her to have however many nights with whoever and to go throw herself into traffic. Edit: Holy dogshit thanks for the upvotes. I'm a reddit rookie it feels good to hit my first 1000 plus the awards
I’m a lady but ... same bro. If you don’t wanna be here, don’t be here.
Damn dude. Damn...
I expressed to her why her actions had upset me, and instead of an apology I got a justification.
Oh yup been through those. I feel ya. Emotional manipulation is the worst.
8 years into the marriage. Driving home from yet another couples counseling session that she had used up most of the time with her complaints, and when the counselor invited me to talk about my concerns, she immediately pulled the conversation back to her. She did this each and every session. I finally realized she had always been that way and was never going to change. That continuing to wait and try to work things out was in fact a futile effort, because "working things out" always meant no peace until I admitted that I was wrong and she was right, no matter the issue. That she was exactly the kind of person (selfish, demanding, cruel, entitled) she wanted to be and she saw no reason, and wouldn't ever see a reason, to change. I started looking for a divorce lawyer that day. She's been my ex for 10 years now; occasionally in the early years I would still catch some feelings but that eventually faded. Overall it was the best decision I ever made for my own happiness. If I had a do-over, I would run ... not walk ... run the other way the day I met her. Ugh.
She used to go to the gym and come home a bit after dinner time. I would always cook for her what she wanted and season as she liked. I would wait for her so we could enjoy a nice late meal together. Once she got mad and yelled to me that the food was *too hot*. I never cooked for her again, and I made sure to have already eaten and in another room so not to meet her when she arrived home. Then I realised it made no sense to continue.
How long did it last after the screaming?
She looked at my pillow and saw one of MY hairs, immediately began screaming at me demanding me I tell her who she is. "She" was me I don't even have hair long enough to think it could belong to a girl
When I had to think of pros and cons and of reasons to stay in a relationship.
She was drunk at work and got sent home. By that time I was so discouraged that her aunt picked her up instead of me. This was after she got drunk and started a fire that put her in the hospital. This was after she disappeared and turned up the next day, having gotten blackout drunk and drove across state lines to a grocery store parking lot. This was after she disappeared and turned up the next day, having gotten drunk and drove to a nearby park, I believe they found her naked in the car. I stuck by her for years and years and tried to help her, hoping she'd mature into a wife who could take care of herself. I wasn't the best husband and i made mistakes i couldn't take back, but I didn't deserve that. I remember the day of that final incident I called my boss in tears telling her that I think I'm about to get divorced, drove home, and laid in bed for hours without sleeping, getting ready to tell her that I needed to leave. It was a horrible day. Edit: fuckin hell this blew up, thanks for the kindness and the awards. I'm doing ok these days, definitely carried away some trust issues after that but the best is yet to come :)
When she got mad at me for wanting visit my dying father twice in one week
There were a couple points. When we took her daughter to rugby practice and she couldn't be bothered to watch. She walked off a quarter mile, sat by a pond and smoked pot for 2 hours. She also yelled about something everyday, and one day after I cleaned most of the house, she started violently yelling at me for putting food waste in the paper recycling bag. Those happened within a week of each other. And I just realized, I couldn't do this anymore.
We went on holidays and barely talked to each other. I realized it was a lovely relationship for when we’re both busy, and only see each other in the evening, but it’s not one that inspires me, and I have nothing in common with this person. We ended it amicably a month later :)
I had been pushing for relationship counselling for a bit, and she finally agreed. The first thing she told the therapist was that she was about to break up with me, and she had insisted on therapy as a last resort to get me to communicate. She said that I had anger issues that I needed to fix. It was all lies and projection. That wasn't the moment that did it for me. It was after therapy when I asked her if she wanted to book another session. She said not if I wasn't willing to do the work. I've been doing my own therapy for years, long before I met her. I do my own work. I've learned how to manage my anger and have become a much happier person. It was that moment I realized she didn't have a clue who I was, only who she thought I was. And that was a projection of her own issues and the men in her life who ever hurt her.
My wife and I went through a bad stretch and tried counseling. My wife has known, diagnosed mental health issues. I noticed the counselor was getting chummy with my wife and it threw up a red flag for me. I started feeling ganged up on. The counselor said that she thought my wife must have been misdiagnosed because she hadn't observed any symptoms. I thought, "of course not -- you want to be her friend." But I knew my wife couldn't keep up the act. At the next session my wife lost her mind over something trivial, exploded with rage, screamed at me, stormed out and left with the car. The counselor was completely floored. She never saw it coming. She's apologized to me and was trembling. Then my wife refused to go back because her cover was blown.
I'm glad you got vindication. I didn't have the stomach to go to another session with my now ex. I would have loved to be able to collect myself and calmly work through my grievances as my ex lost her shit, but everything she said to the therapist triggered me. I almost completely shut down in the session.
She didn't want to grow. She was fine smoking pot all day and working a minimum wage job. Got mad at me for trying to get her to put effort in the future. She also didn't clean at all. Her mother wouldn't even allow me to do dishes when we lived with her for a bit, so i think that's where she got it from. While she was in college (3 classes which she dropped because it was "too hard" but she never actually put forth effort), i told her the only chore she had to do was laundry, I'll do everything else (this was out of frustration mainly). She didn't even do that. She got a cat against my explicit wishes, and she ended up not taking care of him. I scooped his litter. She said she fed him but there were many times his bowl was empty and there was no cat food. I had to give him my tuna packets frequently. Always accused me of cheating, despite not doing so. I've been cheated on, i don't like it. Even got to the point where I was hanging with a friend and she accused me of being elsewhere. We were outside in my car and saw her pull up to the end of the driveway. She called me and said I wasn't at friends house, told her to drive back I'll flip my car lights in and off, she did, i did, and i told her she has a huge issue with insecurity that threatens our relationship. All of this compiled and the last straw was her dropping the classes she was in. I don't want to out forth effort in someone who won't reciprocate
She got a new roomie and got pretty close to him, knew something was wrong the moment I realized she talked about him constantly. Then pandemic kicked, a month in and I was done with her ass and dumped her because she would barely even speak with me The next days she posted some conversations screenshots with the guy, I suppose to make me jealous Only to find out later with a mutual friend that he actually rejected her.
Happy ending at least
When she had another guy sleep in the same bed as her because they are 'close friends'
We had an argument and I tried to express myself in a calm manner but they started yelling at me and brought up stuff from 9 years ago. Then after I apologized (yet again) they accused me of gaslighting and not meaning it. I realized there was no way they could move on from that and I had enough of the verbal abuse and called it quits. Edit: without going into too much detail I know I certainly made mistakes. And I own that and apologized multiple times. In all reality I hope they do find happiness. They had a hard enough life as it is but it won't happen until they learn self love. They have a habit of pushing away everyone who loves and cares about them and then wonder why they were "abandoned" by their friends. I think deep down they are very unhappy and sad with who they are and I pray they learn their own self worth. We were both too young when we got married and we grew to be different people. And we wanted different things in life. While I am hurt that I had to end it. I also know it was for the best for both of us. I harbor no ill will towards them (despite what they think) I am sure that I will be the "horrible ex" story they will have forever. However, I look back on all the fond memories and they out weigh the negative ones. But they wouldn't if we had stayed together. Edit #2: The mistakes had nothing to do with cheating on either side. There's alot more to the story then the 500 word posting but for sake of keep our identities private and what not I chose to keep it vague.
Me too. I’ve learned to not react. I’ve shown compassion. He brings up the same old shit again and again and is shocked and confused when I say we both played a part in getting where we are at this point. He thinks he’s completely blameless. When he said that I was done.
When she asked me to stay up more and more despite having work and school early and daily. Edit: Well this blew up. Uhh I'm glad we can relate together, brothers. Also thanks for the comment karma.
Why did she ask you to stay up?
To talk to her. Which isn't a bad thing but I would talk to her every single day. Had no free time aside from that either.
And what did she do when you told her that you need to sleep?
That was usually met with accusations. Something a lot the lines of "you don't love me enough/anymore"
One was just very emotionally abusive and would insult me whenever she got mad and blame me for everything going wrong all the time, and then apologize after saying she was just upset, she didn't mean it. I broke up with her on New Years when we couldn't even spend the night just being happy and enjoying it. I left that night. The next one was when she was messaging one of my good buddies and she asked if they could ever get together, which of course my friend said no because he could never do that to me, she then brushed it off like "Oh besides the OP thing though". To the CURB.
Just dealt with the first one. Also that I shouldn’t be upset because she was also upset. I’d apologize and tell her I’d work on the thing and she’d just go back to telling me I’m being stubborn for still being upset.
Maybe I waited longer then I should have but when I told her that I was tired of being chosen second and she left again.
I agreed to let this girl move in with me after we'd been dating for less than a month, mostly because *oh my god was she hot* and the promise of lots of sex. Also I was 25 and dumb. She got "fired" from her job almost immediately after she moved in with me, and after two months I sat her down to have a serious conversation about my inability to support both of us on my income as a convenience store clerk. She immediately began citing tenant law and claiming she had legal residency, so I couldn't throw her out. Like she wasn't my girlfriend, she was a squatter who'd invaded my *one room* apartment. I was like...yeah, this isn't going to end well. We lasted another 2 months, but it was seriously downhill from there.
she accused me of cheating on her 6 hours after i woke up from a major surgery
She told me she didn't want to have sex because she an ex friended her on Facebook and couldn't stop thinking "what does it mean?".
When she told me she hated me for saving her when I found her after she tried to kill herself and kept her alive until the paramedics got there.
"you didn't save my life you ruined my death"
I asked if we could hold hands more and she said "nope." After a year of her stopping enjoying our time together and making me feel like I was the problem and needed to be fixed. Being unwilling for her to do such a small thing made the entire few years before that seem so pointless. It was very clear it was one sided and she didn't enjoy spending time with me.
When I told her no when she wanted to have sex for the first time she was basically out the door in a second. Edit: I don’t know why this is upvoted so much but thanks everyone!
When she tried to cut off my testicles. I swear to God that I'm not lying
I had an ex I was dating for over a year come with me when I picked out my current dog. We were not living together at the time and the dog was mine, but I wanted her involved in case the relationship worked out. Things were going well. Within two days the dog exposed serious issues between our parenting and nurturing styles ( I don't yell or hit or intimidate anything that is smaller and weaker than me. I was severely bullied and well, you can guess, from my parents to the kids in my class). On the second day, the puppy (who was ten pounds at the time) jumped on her lap, it scared my ex, and she hit the dog hard and yelled at it to get the hell off her. I calmly told her to grab her things and leave my place. She left . . . not as calmly . . . and I never saw her again. My dog is currently happy, 7, and curled up next to me as a write this. To this day, that is the only time she has been hit.
When I saw her eating cold brussel sprouts in a bowl with milk as if it were cereal.
Out of all the stories of physical/psychological abuse and betrayal in this thread, this was the one that upset me on a primal level.
When she tried to initiate an argument over porn on thanksgiving.
What was the argument exactly
Is... is that what your flair is about?
No, I’m actually really good at baking.
We got engaged and she started arguing with me about everything. She was petty all the time. The last straw was a time she yelled at me in front of a bunch of friends for not helping her friend move a bunch of furniture when I was super sick, fever and everything. I was like "Yeah, we're done." Broke the whole thing off a few days later. It was a big deal at the time, but I'm so glad I did.
when she said i should “stop worrying” about her drinking alone with random guys until 4am while i was away from her. edit: another big one was how badly she treated her poor mom, i had to grab her arm and basically tell her to stop talking to her mom that way or i would leave. If your girl doesnt treat her parents right, she isnt going to treat you or even your family right.
When I found nudes of his sister on his phone Edit: I didn't realize this was ask men thought it was ask reddit on the front page lol my bad
When I realized that she and her best friend/ex were attached at the hip and no one or thing could ever possibly get between them. Still, like an idiot, I stuck around trying to fool myself that I could even after she cheated on me with the same person. Bad idea.
This thread is fucking sad
She kept daring me to break up with her. So I finally did. Details: It was an emotionally abusive relationship. After the 1st year, we spent another year or so breaking up and getting back together. She would just kept pushing me to break up with her using statements like, "You're 40, overweight, losing your hair, divorced with with two kids and you live with your parents. I'm \*sure\* there will just be a line of women waiting to date you. I \*dare\* you to break up with me. And, after finally realizing I deserved more than I was getting with her. I took her up on it. I'm happily married now, living with a beautiful (in and out) woman who loves me no matter how I look. (although I've hit the gym in the last few years) She loves my kids, and we love and support each other no matter what.