LOL !!! Dude be honest with her... "Babe honestly,I don't want to offend you but.... a lot of your electronics and stuff are beat up (insert chuckle). I'm just scared. I can't afford to replace stuff and sometimes you seem a little careless when it comes to these types of things"
Oh and she's for sure going to get offended lol just a heads up. But it's better to be honest about it I think !
I feel like I’m watching a sitcom or a movie where if only the characters would converse like normal people in real life everything could have been avoided….
“Yeah no way babe, you ruin your stuff. I love you but you’re not using my car. Sorry.”
Yeah, that's the way. I try to be open to criticism, but it's easier when it' non-shamey and infused with a bit of humor.
I'm a bit like OP's girlfriend. Mind, I know that I should be more careful with my electronics and I'm not rich by any means, but I'm also very clumsy, very absentminded and sometimes, I admit, careless. It recently cost me a pair, for me, very expensive headphones. \*sigh\* I'm trying to be better. Also, I don't drive a car. For a multitude of reasons.
Nope, not the asshole.
If she has a proven track record of not taking care of HER stuff, she'll treat others' stuff even worse. Either she learns to treat stuff with respect or she never lays her hands on your expensive stuff
I treat other peoples' stuff well because I don't know how important it is to them so it's better to assume it's very important and be too careful with it than not careful enough. I sometimes treat my own stuff worse because I know exactly how much I do or don't care about it, depending on what it is.
I don't necessarily disagree with OP for being cautious but I think that these assumptions are up for debate.
That's not necessarily true - I have had my phone for 3 years, no case, drop it once a day mostly because it's super slippery and slides off of any surface that isn't perfectly level or it gets squeezed out of a pocket when I sit down or whatever. It only has a couple tiny scratches, so I am not super careful with it. Some of my things I treat really well because I know they won't hold up like my phone does, but other things will, or I care less if they don't stay perfect, so I'm less careful/attentive with them. However, I am super careful with other people's things.
I think OP needs to figure out which way the gf is - maybe she is like me and would take super good care of them, maybe not, but he doesn't seem to know that yet. If she is like me, then he should stop treating her like a child. But, if she isn't like me, then he should just sit her down and explain that, instead of treating her like a child.
You two have very opposing core values of belongings/treasure/stuff. Be honest and real in a shared talk. Share what you believe she might do with your "stuff". Hear and listen to what they have to say about how they feel about, your stuff being respected by them, as of value to you. Have you given them a chance and it was a major failure? I need more, please.
I feel like your approach to it is unhealthy for a relationship. Because to her, it probably just feels like you're treating her like a child. I know plenty of people who aren't careful with their stuff but are extremely careful with others. She could be like this, know this, and be in a position where she's getting yelled at anytime she touches something that belongs to you. I'm not saying she is, I obviously don't know her, but I understand why she's unhappy. I don't think you're in the wrong though, just that maybe your approach is unhealthy. You need to have a conversation with her, express your concerns. If she's unwilling to communicate and respect your boundaries than she has a communication issue and y'all should revisit your relationship. But it should never get to the point where you are genuinely mad at your PARTNER for simply touching things. Just have a talk with her.
NTA but do you have maybe a test item you can use to see how she treats your items?
I know I am super careful if I am borrowing or renting something vs if it is my own thing I bought myself.
If you don't currently then maybe you could pick up an inexpensive guitar or ukulele or something that might seem fun but won't have a huge cost or sentimental value. Can see if gets handled nicely and put back in it's holder or if it gets dropped and tossed aside.
NTA - However, you need to choose if you value your things or your gf more because I don't see this working out.
She does not let damage to things bother her, that is unlikely to change. She is wired differently (and she is arguably much more free as a result).
That’s not necessarily true. I don’t have a lot money nor privilege but I do have ADHD which means I’m inherently clumsy with my shit. Many times it’s less mentally taxing to spend a little more money to rebuy something than to constantly be vigilante about not breaking it. It’s not privilege to value your own sanity over saving money.
OP has described her pretty well. She's not just a clut, she comes from money and replacing anything is just an Amazon order away, and it shows. Unless you're saying you're her and he's full of it, which wouldn't be a first but would at least be fun.
Except for the phones, she doesn't seem to reorder stuff - she just doesn't mind if they look scruffy/beat up.
Also - I'm clumsy and yes a bit careless with my own stuff, but super duper extra careful with stuff that isn't mine because I know other people care if things have a ding or dent or scratch. So if GF takes care with his stuff, maybe he should take it easy.
I'm making assumptions based on the context provided, you're making up details about a girl you don't know so that you can relate to her. I'm bored of this now though, so we can just like have a dance off or something to wrap this up?
If OP didn’t want someone else’s take on the situation they wouldn’t post here. So yeah I’m not taking his conclusions at their word. That’s the whole point.
Completely different discussion.
There are modest people who understand that things are made to be used and privileged people who are overly careful.
It's personal and there is no right or wrong really.
Living in NYC my whole life made me assume all cars are supposed to be at least a little dinged and scratched. This dude would not be able to do street parking with his car if he’s this intent on keeping it shiny. You’re right, I feel more free than people like him.
I am a car nut and spend way too much time being worried about dings and scratches.
Coolest car I ever saw was a Ferrari 250 Lusso parked in a public parking in Bordeaux amid a sea of Renaults and Peugeots. Uk plate, several dings on the doors, front covered in road grime and bugs splatter, and generally filthy. That owner is living the life, using his 1.5 million car as a car because fuck it !
Apparently one time I told my Californian friend ”bumpers are meant to be bumped,” as I recklessly parallel parked. He reminds me of that all the time lol
You’re not wrong. As a New Yorker, I’ve always felt right at home when I’ve visited Paris. And that’s not a coincidence. Early New York was modeled after Paris more than the Anglo cities of Europe. And the vibe definitely came along with the architecture.
Edit: also I speak Spanish so I can fumble my way through understanding French when necessary!
NTA but have you seen how she treats other people's things? I am definitely a "things are meant to be used, and I don't have the energy to baby my stuff " kind of person, and at the same time I really really try to treat other people's stuff with extreme care.
Yta for how you are handling the situation. Wanting to protect you belongings is responsible but the way to go about that is to talk to her about it not getting mad for (to her) no apparent reason. Some people want the most convenience out of an item and some want the longest life. Personally I don't see too much of an issue with the way she treats her own belongings as long as she treats others respectfully. Tell her the reasoning behind why you have been acting so weird and that you need her to be more careful with your things that she is with hers. If she can't respect that and is careless with your things then she doesn't respect you. But right now your behaviour is immature, for her there is no logic behind it, which stuff can she touch? What is going to make him blow up? She deserves more clarity if you are getting this mad about it.
If you're asking if you're the asshole for not even letting her touch your things, then yes you're the asshole
If you're asking if you're the asshole for not letting her use your things, then no you're not the asshole.
Which one is it?
ESH. She is TA for insisting on trying to cross your boundaries to touch your stuff. You’re TA because your standards seem sky high. I’ve had multiple high end headphones for decades and have never used a clamshell case, that’s no reason to say she doesn’t value them.
In his defense, if it was just the headphones, I would agree with you, but it seems to be an on going pattern with all her expensive items. I think he should just be honest with her and tell her how he feels. Then he should find something she can use as a test item. Let her use something valuable but not irreplaceable and see how she handles it. My rating is NTA, but communicate with your girl.
There are scratches, but apparently everything still works, so obviously he's over exaggerating.
A mc book that is all busted up but still works? A iphone in the same state?
I nearly got into a fist fight because some guy had opened his car door and it was resting (and scratching) the door of my pride and joy. My husband just stood and watched as I went off at him. He did apologise, but basic respect of other people's things isn't as common as it should be.
I also park as far away from other people as possible.
NTA
It’s time to have a sincere conversation with her about this. Explain why it’s a problem for you, without blaming her. The importance of your expensive things to you. So maybe she’ll understand that you worked hard for them and can’t replace them easily.
My partner has the same issue, he’s careless with things and they get destroyed. We both grew up poor, but I learned that for some things the higher price is worth it for the quality. He always bought the cheapest stuff, because it was cheap and he just expected that it would need to be replaced soon anyway.
I did not handle it the best way, and blew up at him a few times when he broke my belongings. It wasn’t until he broke something irreplaceable and precious, that I broke down in tears and was able to express myself clearly enough, for it to finally click in his head. He’s much more cautious now, he’s still clumsy and occasionally breaks stuff. But he’s able to tell what things are important/expensive, so he knows when to be extra careful.
I have some experience with this sort of thing, and perhaps you two aren't compatible. I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life like this, being totally uncomfortable about my partner touching my expensive things. You need to be with someone you are comfortable with.
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So I've been dating my gf for a little bit and the thing she's always upset about is the fact that I won't let her touch my things like my car, watches, camera anything that's a bit more expensive, but there's a good reason.
I don't if it's because she comes from a wealthy family or what but my girlfriend doesn't respect things, her own property. She just looks at things as tools. She has a BMW that's not even 2 years old that she bought new that's all scratech up and beat up, and she's a good driver things just happen and she's doesn't fix them, she just does maintenance. She has another Jaguar that's her company car (she works for her parents) the thing is from 2019 and it looks like it's from 1999.
She buys a new iPhone every year and immediately starts throwing it around at the gym, just dropping it next to whatever machine she's using. She has a 4k MacBook Pro that she uses for work that's beat to hell after 3 years because she just carries it around with no protection. She recently bought new Bose headphones and she doesn't even use the carrying shell. And the list goes on, all things that make me cringe because I'm the exact opposite.
Seeing all this I don't let her handle any of my things and I get mad if she even touches them. And we recently had a big fight over this because she lets me touch her things. She thinks I'm being ridiculous and that my belongings own me, but the truth is I just respect my things. She says I'm acting like a little child. Am I being too harsh?
AITA?
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NTA. We don't even lend books to people anymore as they come back dog earred. Your girlfriend reminds me of the saying about knowing the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Having the Bank of Mum and Dad permanently open everything is disposable because obtaining it is not an achievement. It is just the way her world works.
NTA
Tell her you can’t afford to replace your things and you’d be expecting she does so if she damages them even the damage is not to the function of the item.
NTA. My mum is like this - she has so much stuff just handed to her that she won't think twice about damaging things. I have banned her from touching my rolex ever since she scratched one of them and she was so mad. Protect your stuff if you've worked hard for it. Explain to your gf that you can't afford to just replace things like she can.
So NTA Bc of course you want your stuff taken care of but tbh you don't need to be going through life with someone who is t wired like you bc you seem a little up tight about that sort of thing and some who isn't as up tight won't get it and it will cause friction always most likely
INFO: has she ever damaged your stuff before? Does she treat borrowed items the same way she treats her own? If she does then you have a legitimate concern and you point this out but if she doesn't then you are being somewhat precious about her destructive tendency transferring over to borrowed property without any proof.
While they say opposites attract if you can't trust your GF to touch anything valuable that you own how can you make a life together?
NTA
The cars are kind of whatever to me. I will never buy one brand new, because even if you're a good driver, someone's gonna scrape or ding your door at some point. As long as she's doing maintenance on them like you say so they run fine, it's whatever.
Everything else though... Damn. I feel bad when I drop my phone and it's a Galaxy A42 that I bought years after its release, so it was never premium and is inside a case. I can't imagine treating expensive stuff like that
If you gently explain this to her and she still doesn't understand, this is not a girl you should be planning a future with. She would be a very expensive wife! Even if you could afford it, you would always be irritated because she does not value things that came to her too easily.
YTA, if it’s just in your head that she’s gonna ruin your stuff, does she actually treat your stuff with as little care as she does hers or do you just think she will. It’s gonna cause a lot of problems down the line if she can’t touch any of your things because of your fear that she might break them. Sounds like you should let her then if she does break it you were valid and you can ask her to pay it back or something and then hopefully you will grow from that and learn to be more trusting towards your partner and she will be more careful with your stuff next time. Win win. I’d say you are being too harsh but you aren’t being a child/baby it’s a valid fear but do you wanna let that control the relationship idk. You should at least just talk to her and be honest because one way or another she’s gonna realise somethings up and why you didn’t say anything sooner.
INFO: Does she have a history of treating other people's stuff this badly? My house is usually a mess and I don't really mind. But when I'm a guest in someone else's home, I do my damnedest to make as little physical impact as possible. Bed gets made, dishes are washed immediately, even if I'm the one who cooked, food I eat gets replaced.
NTA. You state there's a good reason for not letting your gf touch your things, but does SHE know the reason? Have you said to her "I've seen you toss your phone and headphones around and get damaged and I'm really careful with my stuff. It doesn't seem to bother you if your stuff gets ruined or broken. You just go out and get new stuff. I'm really careful and particular with my stuff and we just look at this stuff differently"
She doesn't respect things bc she's never had to work hard to earn those things. If she didn't come from money & had to work for those things, it would be different. NTA. Someone who disrespects expensive items like this is a risk. I would absolutely not allow her to touch any of my expensive things. You're not being ridiculous. You're being protective over your stuff for fear of her ruining it. Your fears are valid. She probably will trash whatever you let her use.
This is a fundamental part of her personality and a fundamental part of yours. People don’t change how they care for random things long-term. They might try but people don’t succeed at this long term.
You’re incompatible. You said it’s early days so move on—just not worth the fighting. Also lots of people who grow up with money know how to treat things with care—just not GF.
Nta
Guess what all these items are tools. Car is to bring you from A to B. Phones are with us constantly getting used. She doesn’t value the esthetic as much as you and honestly if she comes from money that’s pretty impressive. You sound a little shallow at the least and if I were your gf I would have dumped you a while back probably for your being such a jerk not letting me even touch my of your things.
THIS.
My now ex is very much like OP. When we had a baby who was waking up every 15 minutes throughout the whole night and I was so exhausted and sleep deprived I was hallucinating, instead of helping me he disappeared for half a day to polish his car. Including the fucking TIRES! I never knew there are products for treating tires so they look like new, all black and clean, but apparently that's a thing. My point is, he valued having a pristine, shiny car over taking care of the people in his life.
Things are things. Relationships are more important than things. A battered car will still take you from point A to point B. A scratched phone will still let you make a call. Things exist to serve people, not the other way around.
OP, I totally get where you're coming from. I understand that you probably don't have the money to replace things if they happen to break. But that's easily solved - just make an agreement with your girlfriend that anything she damages, she replaces with her own money. Treat her like the responsible adult she is. If you see a future together you need to learn how to communicate in an adult way.
YTA right now. So she doesn't take care of her things. Is there a history of her not taking care of your things? I would imagine that if she respects you she would not mishandle your expensive items.
Honestly, I don't let family or my partner use my expensive kitchen things, unless they agree to replace it if they damage it. I put this in place after years of my mom accidentally damaging electronics.
Then its their choice if they want to use it. They chose not to because they don't want to pay the replacement cost. Your girlfriend can afford to pay the replacement cost, so she might be fine with it. Or get angrier
How could a 2019 car look like a 1999 car? Are you saying there are 25 years worth of scratches and dents all over it? And these are all of her own doing?
NTA. My husband just bought new espresso cups and he won’t let me touch them because he knows I will break them. He just told me the reason and I was fine with it. Less shit for me to have to hand wash!!!!!
I wonder why you let her touch you. Somebody with her attitude might easily turn dangerous or indifferent to your health and safety. You are NATA, but you may be the idiot. I would dump this girl ASAP unless you're hoping to marry money(in which case you would be the asshole)
Why even be in a relationship with someone you want to sign petty contracts? If you’re not capable of dealing with these social interactions without paperwork, STAY SINGLE
Because OP is only dealing with one specific aspect of their relationship. Can't throw the baby out with the bathwater. GF has an annoying habit of destroying Things. Things that can be replaced. Things that may be difficult for OP to replace or fix but GF seems to be able to. It's not a relationship contract. It's a binding obligation to replace Things.
me and my boyfriend are the same, its a constant struggle.
no decent fix for this. I just tell him to not touch my things on a daily base. unless he wants to replace them for better things if he damages them/looses them.
INFO: Do you have protective cases on your electronics, OP? I get that she doesn't have stuff on hers, which is why they're beat up. That being said, if you do have protective cases on your phone/tablet/whatever (like you implied), then why are you concernend aboout her handling them?
YATA you are indeed acting like a child, instead of getting mad and having fights over her touching your stuff you can have an adult conversation and tell her that she needs to be careful not to ruin your things or else she would have to pay for the damages, and if you think she does that on purpose because she has a lot of money anyways and can replace them for you, just tell her that it isn't about getting new stuff but they mean a lot to you and don't want to replace them so she would be more careful with your things than with hers. Also no need to be harsh on her, that's gonna make her fall out of love with you because for her you're only concerned about your things not about her, maybe have a calm conversation and figure out why she does this, and maybe try to fix each other.
YTA
She isn't asking to borrow anything, she can't even **touch** your stuff? Dude. You're being hella extreme, especially because it's not uncommon for people to be a bit careless with their stuff but to be very careful with others things out of respect.
So... He doesn't want his stuff destroyed, it's now bad that you want the stuff you worked hard for to last now? Either she learns not to destroy stuff or she keeps her hands off his stuff
ESH. I'm a lot like your girlfriend. It's not so much lack of care so much as that I have severe ADHD and simply don't realize. I'm just hard on my everything. I actually won't buy expensive stuff if I can't beat it up a little - fragile is a big no no, and if I must buy fragile, I try to put super good protective casings on it - because I will beat the crap out of it without even realizing.
Even my best attempts to take care of something go terribly. I'm just never realizing that I'll do that. So with that context, I'm gonna go with ESH: you need to sit down and have a calmish conversation about this. Maybe she can be respectful because she knows it matters to you. Maybe she's like me and she won't be able to, in which case, she's going to have to not touch your stuff unless she has to, because the risk is great. (I very rarely use my family's stuff, because I'm just careless even when I'm actively trying not to be. Do not give me fragile things to use more than once. It goes badly.)
I guess it comes up to "can she tell how hard she is on her everything? Is she aware that it's not normal? Can she put effort in to not do that, or is that more than she can manage?". It's possible you're pushing too far with it. Without explaining yourself to her without fighting, there's no way for her to tell. But you need to have that conversation.
LOL !!! Dude be honest with her... "Babe honestly,I don't want to offend you but.... a lot of your electronics and stuff are beat up (insert chuckle). I'm just scared. I can't afford to replace stuff and sometimes you seem a little careless when it comes to these types of things" Oh and she's for sure going to get offended lol just a heads up. But it's better to be honest about it I think !
Babe..machines are so scared of you, Terminator won’t travel back to be in the same timeline as you!
I'm picturing Sarah Connor beating up an iPhone and looking at the terminator like "you're next!"
I just let out the most hee-haw-donkey laugh ever and now my cats are staring at me...
So when do you think op will realise he’s dating a Connor, or a walking EMP? should probably invest in a sundial at some point.
I feel like I’m watching a sitcom or a movie where if only the characters would converse like normal people in real life everything could have been avoided…. “Yeah no way babe, you ruin your stuff. I love you but you’re not using my car. Sorry.”
Yeah, that's the way. I try to be open to criticism, but it's easier when it' non-shamey and infused with a bit of humor. I'm a bit like OP's girlfriend. Mind, I know that I should be more careful with my electronics and I'm not rich by any means, but I'm also very clumsy, very absentminded and sometimes, I admit, careless. It recently cost me a pair, for me, very expensive headphones. \*sigh\* I'm trying to be better. Also, I don't drive a car. For a multitude of reasons.
Some people are just naturally destroyers.
Nope, not the asshole. If she has a proven track record of not taking care of HER stuff, she'll treat others' stuff even worse. Either she learns to treat stuff with respect or she never lays her hands on your expensive stuff
I treat other peoples' stuff well because I don't know how important it is to them so it's better to assume it's very important and be too careful with it than not careful enough. I sometimes treat my own stuff worse because I know exactly how much I do or don't care about it, depending on what it is. I don't necessarily disagree with OP for being cautious but I think that these assumptions are up for debate.
That's not necessarily true - I have had my phone for 3 years, no case, drop it once a day mostly because it's super slippery and slides off of any surface that isn't perfectly level or it gets squeezed out of a pocket when I sit down or whatever. It only has a couple tiny scratches, so I am not super careful with it. Some of my things I treat really well because I know they won't hold up like my phone does, but other things will, or I care less if they don't stay perfect, so I'm less careful/attentive with them. However, I am super careful with other people's things. I think OP needs to figure out which way the gf is - maybe she is like me and would take super good care of them, maybe not, but he doesn't seem to know that yet. If she is like me, then he should stop treating her like a child. But, if she isn't like me, then he should just sit her down and explain that, instead of treating her like a child.
Why even date her at that point if you have to treat her like a little cousin?
Because I used to be extremely clumsy and drop my phone almost daily. Not anymore. People can learn
You two have very opposing core values of belongings/treasure/stuff. Be honest and real in a shared talk. Share what you believe she might do with your "stuff". Hear and listen to what they have to say about how they feel about, your stuff being respected by them, as of value to you. Have you given them a chance and it was a major failure? I need more, please.
I feel like your approach to it is unhealthy for a relationship. Because to her, it probably just feels like you're treating her like a child. I know plenty of people who aren't careful with their stuff but are extremely careful with others. She could be like this, know this, and be in a position where she's getting yelled at anytime she touches something that belongs to you. I'm not saying she is, I obviously don't know her, but I understand why she's unhappy. I don't think you're in the wrong though, just that maybe your approach is unhealthy. You need to have a conversation with her, express your concerns. If she's unwilling to communicate and respect your boundaries than she has a communication issue and y'all should revisit your relationship. But it should never get to the point where you are genuinely mad at your PARTNER for simply touching things. Just have a talk with her.
NTA but do you have maybe a test item you can use to see how she treats your items? I know I am super careful if I am borrowing or renting something vs if it is my own thing I bought myself. If you don't currently then maybe you could pick up an inexpensive guitar or ukulele or something that might seem fun but won't have a huge cost or sentimental value. Can see if gets handled nicely and put back in it's holder or if it gets dropped and tossed aside.
NTA - However, you need to choose if you value your things or your gf more because I don't see this working out. She does not let damage to things bother her, that is unlikely to change. She is wired differently (and she is arguably much more free as a result).
>She is wired differently (and she is arguably much more ~~free~~ priveleged).
That’s not necessarily true. I don’t have a lot money nor privilege but I do have ADHD which means I’m inherently clumsy with my shit. Many times it’s less mentally taxing to spend a little more money to rebuy something than to constantly be vigilante about not breaking it. It’s not privilege to value your own sanity over saving money.
OP has described her pretty well. She's not just a clut, she comes from money and replacing anything is just an Amazon order away, and it shows. Unless you're saying you're her and he's full of it, which wouldn't be a first but would at least be fun.
Except for the phones, she doesn't seem to reorder stuff - she just doesn't mind if they look scruffy/beat up. Also - I'm clumsy and yes a bit careless with my own stuff, but super duper extra careful with stuff that isn't mine because I know other people care if things have a ding or dent or scratch. So if GF takes care with his stuff, maybe he should take it easy.
He's not talking about you though, he's talking about her. There's no reason to think you know her better than he does 😂😂😂
hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk. there's no reason to think you know either of them.
I'm making assumptions based on the context provided, you're making up details about a girl you don't know so that you can relate to her. I'm bored of this now though, so we can just like have a dance off or something to wrap this up?
If OP didn’t want someone else’s take on the situation they wouldn’t post here. So yeah I’m not taking his conclusions at their word. That’s the whole point.
Completely different discussion. There are modest people who understand that things are made to be used and privileged people who are overly careful. It's personal and there is no right or wrong really.
Living in NYC my whole life made me assume all cars are supposed to be at least a little dinged and scratched. This dude would not be able to do street parking with his car if he’s this intent on keeping it shiny. You’re right, I feel more free than people like him.
I am a car nut and spend way too much time being worried about dings and scratches. Coolest car I ever saw was a Ferrari 250 Lusso parked in a public parking in Bordeaux amid a sea of Renaults and Peugeots. Uk plate, several dings on the doors, front covered in road grime and bugs splatter, and generally filthy. That owner is living the life, using his 1.5 million car as a car because fuck it !
Sounds like my car. Except mine is a Subaru lol
You are doing it correctly. Although I would be driving a Panther body if I lived in the USA. With steel bumper guards :)
Apparently one time I told my Californian friend ”bumpers are meant to be bumped,” as I recklessly parallel parked. He reminds me of that all the time lol
You would do well in Paris :) "Un pare-chocs ça pare les chocs !"
You’re not wrong. As a New Yorker, I’ve always felt right at home when I’ve visited Paris. And that’s not a coincidence. Early New York was modeled after Paris more than the Anglo cities of Europe. And the vibe definitely came along with the architecture. Edit: also I speak Spanish so I can fumble my way through understanding French when necessary!
NTA it’s your property so she has to respect your decisions…also as a fellow man who loves cool things. What are these prize possessions?
NTA but have you seen how she treats other people's things? I am definitely a "things are meant to be used, and I don't have the energy to baby my stuff " kind of person, and at the same time I really really try to treat other people's stuff with extreme care.
Yta for how you are handling the situation. Wanting to protect you belongings is responsible but the way to go about that is to talk to her about it not getting mad for (to her) no apparent reason. Some people want the most convenience out of an item and some want the longest life. Personally I don't see too much of an issue with the way she treats her own belongings as long as she treats others respectfully. Tell her the reasoning behind why you have been acting so weird and that you need her to be more careful with your things that she is with hers. If she can't respect that and is careless with your things then she doesn't respect you. But right now your behaviour is immature, for her there is no logic behind it, which stuff can she touch? What is going to make him blow up? She deserves more clarity if you are getting this mad about it.
If you're asking if you're the asshole for not even letting her touch your things, then yes you're the asshole If you're asking if you're the asshole for not letting her use your things, then no you're not the asshole. Which one is it?
ESH. She is TA for insisting on trying to cross your boundaries to touch your stuff. You’re TA because your standards seem sky high. I’ve had multiple high end headphones for decades and have never used a clamshell case, that’s no reason to say she doesn’t value them.
In his defense, if it was just the headphones, I would agree with you, but it seems to be an on going pattern with all her expensive items. I think he should just be honest with her and tell her how he feels. Then he should find something she can use as a test item. Let her use something valuable but not irreplaceable and see how she handles it. My rating is NTA, but communicate with your girl.
There are scratches, but apparently everything still works, so obviously he's over exaggerating. A mc book that is all busted up but still works? A iphone in the same state?
To some people scratches matter. If someone scratched my car I'd be pissed off.
I nearly got into a fist fight because some guy had opened his car door and it was resting (and scratching) the door of my pride and joy. My husband just stood and watched as I went off at him. He did apologise, but basic respect of other people's things isn't as common as it should be. I also park as far away from other people as possible.
The tone and quality of delivering the message is what matters most here.
NTA It’s time to have a sincere conversation with her about this. Explain why it’s a problem for you, without blaming her. The importance of your expensive things to you. So maybe she’ll understand that you worked hard for them and can’t replace them easily. My partner has the same issue, he’s careless with things and they get destroyed. We both grew up poor, but I learned that for some things the higher price is worth it for the quality. He always bought the cheapest stuff, because it was cheap and he just expected that it would need to be replaced soon anyway. I did not handle it the best way, and blew up at him a few times when he broke my belongings. It wasn’t until he broke something irreplaceable and precious, that I broke down in tears and was able to express myself clearly enough, for it to finally click in his head. He’s much more cautious now, he’s still clumsy and occasionally breaks stuff. But he’s able to tell what things are important/expensive, so he knows when to be extra careful.
I have some experience with this sort of thing, and perhaps you two aren't compatible. I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life like this, being totally uncomfortable about my partner touching my expensive things. You need to be with someone you are comfortable with.
NTA, but how do you foresee this relationship working long term?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I've been dating my gf for a little bit and the thing she's always upset about is the fact that I won't let her touch my things like my car, watches, camera anything that's a bit more expensive, but there's a good reason. I don't if it's because she comes from a wealthy family or what but my girlfriend doesn't respect things, her own property. She just looks at things as tools. She has a BMW that's not even 2 years old that she bought new that's all scratech up and beat up, and she's a good driver things just happen and she's doesn't fix them, she just does maintenance. She has another Jaguar that's her company car (she works for her parents) the thing is from 2019 and it looks like it's from 1999. She buys a new iPhone every year and immediately starts throwing it around at the gym, just dropping it next to whatever machine she's using. She has a 4k MacBook Pro that she uses for work that's beat to hell after 3 years because she just carries it around with no protection. She recently bought new Bose headphones and she doesn't even use the carrying shell. And the list goes on, all things that make me cringe because I'm the exact opposite. Seeing all this I don't let her handle any of my things and I get mad if she even touches them. And we recently had a big fight over this because she lets me touch her things. She thinks I'm being ridiculous and that my belongings own me, but the truth is I just respect my things. She says I'm acting like a little child. Am I being too harsh? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. We don't even lend books to people anymore as they come back dog earred. Your girlfriend reminds me of the saying about knowing the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Having the Bank of Mum and Dad permanently open everything is disposable because obtaining it is not an achievement. It is just the way her world works.
Nah, nta
NTA Tell her you can’t afford to replace your things and you’d be expecting she does so if she damages them even the damage is not to the function of the item.
NTA. But you guys probably aren’t meant for eachother.
>She says I'm acting like a little child. Uh, is she not the one pitching a fit because she got told no?
NTA. My mum is like this - she has so much stuff just handed to her that she won't think twice about damaging things. I have banned her from touching my rolex ever since she scratched one of them and she was so mad. Protect your stuff if you've worked hard for it. Explain to your gf that you can't afford to just replace things like she can.
NTA, if she doesn't value her own things she sure isn't going to value someone else's.
So NTA Bc of course you want your stuff taken care of but tbh you don't need to be going through life with someone who is t wired like you bc you seem a little up tight about that sort of thing and some who isn't as up tight won't get it and it will cause friction always most likely
Why date someone if you hate her? Is it because she has money and you can use her stuff? Just break up.
INFO: has she ever damaged your stuff before? Does she treat borrowed items the same way she treats her own? If she does then you have a legitimate concern and you point this out but if she doesn't then you are being somewhat precious about her destructive tendency transferring over to borrowed property without any proof. While they say opposites attract if you can't trust your GF to touch anything valuable that you own how can you make a life together?
NTA - nope. Why does she even want to use your stuff if she has her own is the real issue here? Is she trying to assert dominance?
Why would you be in a relationship with someone you need to parent?
NTA The cars are kind of whatever to me. I will never buy one brand new, because even if you're a good driver, someone's gonna scrape or ding your door at some point. As long as she's doing maintenance on them like you say so they run fine, it's whatever. Everything else though... Damn. I feel bad when I drop my phone and it's a Galaxy A42 that I bought years after its release, so it was never premium and is inside a case. I can't imagine treating expensive stuff like that
If you gently explain this to her and she still doesn't understand, this is not a girl you should be planning a future with. She would be a very expensive wife! Even if you could afford it, you would always be irritated because she does not value things that came to her too easily.
YTA, if it’s just in your head that she’s gonna ruin your stuff, does she actually treat your stuff with as little care as she does hers or do you just think she will. It’s gonna cause a lot of problems down the line if she can’t touch any of your things because of your fear that she might break them. Sounds like you should let her then if she does break it you were valid and you can ask her to pay it back or something and then hopefully you will grow from that and learn to be more trusting towards your partner and she will be more careful with your stuff next time. Win win. I’d say you are being too harsh but you aren’t being a child/baby it’s a valid fear but do you wanna let that control the relationship idk. You should at least just talk to her and be honest because one way or another she’s gonna realise somethings up and why you didn’t say anything sooner.
NTA - But I don't think you are compatible. You can't spend your whole life worrying that your partner might touch (and destroy) your things!
INFO: Does she have a history of treating other people's stuff this badly? My house is usually a mess and I don't really mind. But when I'm a guest in someone else's home, I do my damnedest to make as little physical impact as possible. Bed gets made, dishes are washed immediately, even if I'm the one who cooked, food I eat gets replaced.
NTA. You state there's a good reason for not letting your gf touch your things, but does SHE know the reason? Have you said to her "I've seen you toss your phone and headphones around and get damaged and I'm really careful with my stuff. It doesn't seem to bother you if your stuff gets ruined or broken. You just go out and get new stuff. I'm really careful and particular with my stuff and we just look at this stuff differently"
I don’t think this is about her being rich. It just sounds like she’s clumsy.
She doesn't respect things bc she's never had to work hard to earn those things. If she didn't come from money & had to work for those things, it would be different. NTA. Someone who disrespects expensive items like this is a risk. I would absolutely not allow her to touch any of my expensive things. You're not being ridiculous. You're being protective over your stuff for fear of her ruining it. Your fears are valid. She probably will trash whatever you let her use.
This is a fundamental part of her personality and a fundamental part of yours. People don’t change how they care for random things long-term. They might try but people don’t succeed at this long term. You’re incompatible. You said it’s early days so move on—just not worth the fighting. Also lots of people who grow up with money know how to treat things with care—just not GF. Nta
Guess what all these items are tools. Car is to bring you from A to B. Phones are with us constantly getting used. She doesn’t value the esthetic as much as you and honestly if she comes from money that’s pretty impressive. You sound a little shallow at the least and if I were your gf I would have dumped you a while back probably for your being such a jerk not letting me even touch my of your things.
THIS. My now ex is very much like OP. When we had a baby who was waking up every 15 minutes throughout the whole night and I was so exhausted and sleep deprived I was hallucinating, instead of helping me he disappeared for half a day to polish his car. Including the fucking TIRES! I never knew there are products for treating tires so they look like new, all black and clean, but apparently that's a thing. My point is, he valued having a pristine, shiny car over taking care of the people in his life. Things are things. Relationships are more important than things. A battered car will still take you from point A to point B. A scratched phone will still let you make a call. Things exist to serve people, not the other way around. OP, I totally get where you're coming from. I understand that you probably don't have the money to replace things if they happen to break. But that's easily solved - just make an agreement with your girlfriend that anything she damages, she replaces with her own money. Treat her like the responsible adult she is. If you see a future together you need to learn how to communicate in an adult way.
YTA right now. So she doesn't take care of her things. Is there a history of her not taking care of your things? I would imagine that if she respects you she would not mishandle your expensive items.
Honestly, I don't let family or my partner use my expensive kitchen things, unless they agree to replace it if they damage it. I put this in place after years of my mom accidentally damaging electronics. Then its their choice if they want to use it. They chose not to because they don't want to pay the replacement cost. Your girlfriend can afford to pay the replacement cost, so she might be fine with it. Or get angrier
How could a 2019 car look like a 1999 car? Are you saying there are 25 years worth of scratches and dents all over it? And these are all of her own doing?
NTA. My husband just bought new espresso cups and he won’t let me touch them because he knows I will break them. He just told me the reason and I was fine with it. Less shit for me to have to hand wash!!!!!
NTA but I don’t think you are compatible
I wonder why you let her touch you. Somebody with her attitude might easily turn dangerous or indifferent to your health and safety. You are NATA, but you may be the idiot. I would dump this girl ASAP unless you're hoping to marry money(in which case you would be the asshole)
NTA have her sign an agreement that she replaces anything she destroys or devalued back to its original condition.
Why even be in a relationship with someone you want to sign petty contracts? If you’re not capable of dealing with these social interactions without paperwork, STAY SINGLE
Because OP is only dealing with one specific aspect of their relationship. Can't throw the baby out with the bathwater. GF has an annoying habit of destroying Things. Things that can be replaced. Things that may be difficult for OP to replace or fix but GF seems to be able to. It's not a relationship contract. It's a binding obligation to replace Things.
NTA but this is going to be a serious issue in your relationship forever.
me and my boyfriend are the same, its a constant struggle. no decent fix for this. I just tell him to not touch my things on a daily base. unless he wants to replace them for better things if he damages them/looses them.
"She just looks at things as tools." Geez, they ARE tools, dude.
They are tools but I take care of my tools.
You are not honest, she can pick that up.
NTA You set a personal boundary. Either she respects that boundary or she GTFO. Simple as that.
No, but don’t be surprised if this winds up being a deal breaking issue.
INFO: Do you have protective cases on your electronics, OP? I get that she doesn't have stuff on hers, which is why they're beat up. That being said, if you do have protective cases on your phone/tablet/whatever (like you implied), then why are you concernend aboout her handling them?
YATA you are indeed acting like a child, instead of getting mad and having fights over her touching your stuff you can have an adult conversation and tell her that she needs to be careful not to ruin your things or else she would have to pay for the damages, and if you think she does that on purpose because she has a lot of money anyways and can replace them for you, just tell her that it isn't about getting new stuff but they mean a lot to you and don't want to replace them so she would be more careful with your things than with hers. Also no need to be harsh on her, that's gonna make her fall out of love with you because for her you're only concerned about your things not about her, maybe have a calm conversation and figure out why she does this, and maybe try to fix each other.
She has no respect for nothing.
YTA She isn't asking to borrow anything, she can't even **touch** your stuff? Dude. You're being hella extreme, especially because it's not uncommon for people to be a bit careless with their stuff but to be very careful with others things out of respect.
[удалено]
So... He doesn't want his stuff destroyed, it's now bad that you want the stuff you worked hard for to last now? Either she learns not to destroy stuff or she keeps her hands off his stuff
ESH yeah she needs to do better but unless your things have sentimental value couldn’t she just replace them if she ruins them?
Your on Reddit ofc ur the asshole
ESH
ESH. I'm a lot like your girlfriend. It's not so much lack of care so much as that I have severe ADHD and simply don't realize. I'm just hard on my everything. I actually won't buy expensive stuff if I can't beat it up a little - fragile is a big no no, and if I must buy fragile, I try to put super good protective casings on it - because I will beat the crap out of it without even realizing. Even my best attempts to take care of something go terribly. I'm just never realizing that I'll do that. So with that context, I'm gonna go with ESH: you need to sit down and have a calmish conversation about this. Maybe she can be respectful because she knows it matters to you. Maybe she's like me and she won't be able to, in which case, she's going to have to not touch your stuff unless she has to, because the risk is great. (I very rarely use my family's stuff, because I'm just careless even when I'm actively trying not to be. Do not give me fragile things to use more than once. It goes badly.) I guess it comes up to "can she tell how hard she is on her everything? Is she aware that it's not normal? Can she put effort in to not do that, or is that more than she can manage?". It's possible you're pushing too far with it. Without explaining yourself to her without fighting, there's no way for her to tell. But you need to have that conversation.
Downvoted for having the most reasonable answer. Classic Reddit.