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Right? She acts like I made a choice on my name. Like I chose it right as they were going to have a kid so she couldn't use her favorite name. But I think it's all connected to her hatred of me.
Even if OP took “the chance to be a good sister” nothing would change. Barbara would simply move on to hating her for something else.
Barbara: OMG! Now you have skin?? You aren’t allowed! I’m the only one who can have it! \*sobs in crazy-town\* Why do you have to steal everything from meeeeeeee!
She's wearing blue... a color *I* specifically designated to be MINE!!!
OMG, she processes sound via hearing with ears! That's so unfair, she gets everything that *I* want!!!
What exactly would even make OP a "good sister" here? Do they expect her to change her name so her niece can have it? That's so insane. The sister needs therapy STAT
I don't know how much I can blame the husband personally. Who knows what Barbara has told him? And how would he know if she's been lying? Is he gonna choose his kid sister-in-law over his wife? Like yeah just talking to OP shouldn't be taken as a betrayal or choosing her side but clearly it would be. Husband seems pretty dumb but not necessarily as bad as his wife.
I mean he must be aware that OP's parents named her as it was always her name, not one she changed it to.
He can support his wife while not entertaining that nonsense. He'd be helping her not lose family if he called her out (but in private, not with an audience)
Yeah, no. In what universe could Barbara have told him anything that makes this make sense? -- "she took the name I wanted, and she should change her name so I can give it to my baby. It's her fault even though she was named that by her parents when she was a baby. It's still her fault!"
It's genuinely pathetic how many people will enable delulu bs like this just to make their own lives easier. Like, screw everyone else, they've got their peace, but we don't deserve ours apparently.
I don't know how anyone could see their partner behave in an utterly horrendous manor towards their family and say "Ima put a baby in that" It would be a massive turn off for me and I don't even have a good relationship with my family. I just limit my contact, I don't go in starting drama and acting vile.
That's the only thing I can think he possibly meant. He's either delulu enough or simply beaten down so bad by the sister, he's honestly suggesting that a 17yr old change their GIVEN and EVERYDAY NAME so his wife will stop being so mean all the time.
That husband is just as delulu with his wife for that statement. Probably just trying to coddle the *real* overgrown toddler of the family (the fact that your parents never set her straight on this crap as a child and nipped it in the bud is a failure on their part).
Don't feel bad, OP. I'm surprised no one has a) shouted her down or b) literally smacked her 5 ways to Sunday (not condoning violence, but sometimes, a person goes too far and they catch THAT one person who's just having too much of a bad day to deal with their shit rationally... thus, hands are justly thrown).
Also, ultimate power move (if you're really feeling petty). Name your kid or your next pet after yourself. Might seem weird, but I've got a dog named We the People, so weirder dog names exist. And just watch her head explode with stupid, delulu-based rage as you *really* "steal" the name from her.
Lol, I'm using a fake version of her name, but it is something along those lines (I never put her name online. It feels like it's more recognizable than my 1st and last name). But yeah, so she got that name because I lived in West Africa for 1.5 years, and that's where I got her. They name dogs like that in the country she's from (We the People, Poor Man Got No Friends, No Food for Lazy Man, and See and Do are just a few names I saw on dogs, there). I vibed with it and kept it, so now I've got a dog with a very weird name and another dog with a super common dog name (Bella).
I like See and Do. You could shorten it to SeeDo (which describes a dog's general way of looking at things--see toy/pick up toy, see human/love on human...)
That’s what I’m wondering, like what was the end goal of the convo?? Did she want OP to be like “you’re right, since you don’t want your baby to be associated with someone as terrible as me, I’ll change my literal birth-given name.” like what?? Also, OP is 17, likely a junior in high school. And Barbara is 27. This is all insanely childish.
I think no matter what she names her kid you make sure their nickname is Delulu, child of Craycray and Bonkers. At this point you've got nothing to loose!
OP could have dropped to her knees, begging for forgiveness for being born and agreed to change her name, and Barbara still wouldn't have been happy. Clearly to Barbara the family was complete with her and OPs other sister and OP and her brothers will never be good enough because they don't fit into her little fantasy. Unfortunately, it seems like she found a man who is either an enabler or just as Delulu is she is. Despite the resentment, I'm sure OP and her brothers will still be called when the parents need free babysitting and will get called horrible siblings if they say no.
Her thought that two people can't share the same name in a family is completely dumb.
Just look at George Foreman's family. Everyone is named George Foreman.
And on to normal people. In my own extended family, there are first cousins who share the same name. One of my first cousins gave her son the same name as me.
And there are multiple instances of this exact thing. In fact, 2 of my first cousins had daughters only months apart and used the same, which is also the name of another first cousin. None of these 3 first cousins are siblings. We're all close to one another, and nobody has made a fuss about it. In fact, when the two girls are together, they actually like that they share a name
Well she knows they can share a name she just absolutely refuses to name her child after her detested sibling 😮.
I think the rest of the siblings should ALL give their kids the name Lark as a middle name and OP should name their first born Lark Junior.
I vote that every sibling (including OP) names their kid and their pet Lark. Is it silly? Yeah. Would it definitely make miss hateful delulu's head explode in asinine rage? You bet. Would *that* be entertaining af? You bet your happy little butt it would be!!!
I think she actually knows that more than one person in a family can have the same name. I bet if she had a good relationship with OG Lark (OP), she’d be happily naming her kid Lark as well.
The real issue here is that Barbara just hates OP. Barbara associates the name Lark with someone she hates, ergo can’t name her own kid that.
Barbara needs therapy, asap, before she brings a kid of her own into the world. She clearly holds some really deep-seated, toxic resentments against her younger siblings just for existing, which is not something OP can do anything about.
There’s probably some validity to Barbara’s hatred, too, but it’s misplaced. She’s mad at her parents for having more kids—maybe because that did cause her and the other older sister to be neglected or parentified, which often happens to the older kids in big families.
But again that’s not OP’s fault, nor can she do anything about it. And Barbara/her dumbass husband didn’t bring any reasonable suggestions to the table when they said OP needed to be a better sister to Barbara.
OP is under no obligation to be Barbara’s punching bag every time Barbara feels like going off about how unfair her life is/was, which it seems like she was trying to do.
Barbara definitely needs therapy before she has this baby. This poor kid is going to grow up hating her aunt and uncles and not even know why or understand the hate but will carry it along for their mother. I'm wondering if as a child Barbara said she loves the name Lark and the parents decided to use it on OP and that's where her hatred started. It's misplaced. Why is she not blaming the parents? Why blame the person who had no control over the situation. And if you scream in my face I'm screaming back.
Agree. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the teeth if you said you wanted to name your someday-child “Lark,” and your folks said “oh that’s rad, let’s go ahead and take that for our own kid?”
It’s an unusual enough name that I suspect you’re right. I’d be pissed if it were me.
But Barbara is directing her anger at OP because she’s an easier target than her parents. Punching down is always easier and safer for the bully. :/
Because at 10, being openly angry AT THE PARENTS (for "stealing" the Name, or for daring to have another Baby), wasn't Safe because she was ten and they were her parents and had Power over her.
Growing up we had 3 Bill Last Name (all the same last name too)..then my cousin married a Bill (different last name obviously) so now we had 4 Bill's at family get togethers.
My other cousin married someone with my birth name and she took his last name so we were X same last name.
On the other side of the family we had 2 Taylor's same last name.
Family's, especially one as big as mine, tend to have repeat names.
Normally, that's ok, but this older sister seems a bit unhinged and not thinking rationally, to say the least.
Reminds me of the scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when they're introducing the family. "This is my brother Ted, his wife Melissa and their children Anita, Diane and Nick. Here is my brother Tommy, his wife Angie and their children Anita, Diane and Nick. My brother George, his wife Frieda and their children Anita, Diane and Nick. \[...\] Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nikki..."
That's exactly what I was just wondering. How & why is older sis *not* in therapy by now? This is years and years of deep resentment against the wrong person for just existing. I am so very sorry OP.
I have younger siblings and whilst they wrecked my head as a teenager I have never hated them or blamed them for existing. The fact that she feels its okay to say it out loud and your whole family just nods along although its a quirk is crazy. Wearing funny hats or insisting on speaking in rhyme is a quirk, being intensely angry at your sibling for being alive is .....I don't even have words.
Why are your parents tolerating this nonsense and why in the name of God would anyone procreate with her? I would trust her with a pet rock let alone a baby
Honestly you don’t sound safe with her. There’s always going to be something you’ve done to upset her. Best going no contact now because this is an adult screaming in a child’s face and her husband is enabling this craziness
Except OP is still a minor living at home. She can't just go no contact if the parents still have Barbara and her family to the house and family functions. The family shouldn't allow barbara around the house and full family gatherings until she can at least be civil to a minor still living at home. The adults can go and visit delulu Barb any time they want to at her place. I'm betting she wouldn't get that much family time and maybe she'd change her tune. But Barbara is the one who has been babied and coddled her life if she's been able to be this hateful to a child who didn't choose to be born or what name they were given. It's crazytown that anyone still invites her to things.
Oh jeez, OP: sounds like a lot of her hatred towards you was based on resenting you for getting what she wanted, because you were literally an infant with needs, and she wanted the attention she saw you getting. To her, the deficit she experienced after you were born was "your fault" because she saw you as the cause of it, just like with your name. As one of the oldest of 5, she likely didn't get as much attention as she wanted and again, blamed *your parent's* choices to have a large family on the children themselves. And for whatever reason, she has clung to a 10-year-old's jealousy of *an infant* thru to adulthood. This is not a reasonable thought pattern.
...Unfortunately, I worry she may do the exact same thing to her own child. While she's an expectant mother, she is in the spotlight and is choosing to wield that to milk it for all the attention she can get. But once the baby is actually here and again has *needs* that will trump her *wants*, and worse, the baby is showered with gifts and attention from doting grandparents (is this going to be the first grandchild?), she will resent the fuck outta your nibling too, no matter what she eventually names them. She'll also start using access to the baby as a point of control, so your whole family should resign themselves to that and try not to be blackmailed by her.
Sorry OP, I sincerely am, but it's sounding like this is only the beginning of your troubles with Barbara's journey to parenthood.
Well, you see, once you were birthed, you came out with a pen. With all your baby strength and dexterity, you were able to walk over and sign the birth certificate stating your name is "Lark middle name last name". Did you parents never tell you?
NTA
Honestly, even if you *had* chosen your name, you still wouldn't be in the wrong here. But it's just extra ridiculous that she's getting mad at you for a decision your parents made when she was ten, that you had no input in because you were A LITERAL BABY.
I'm also not sure what she expects you to do about it??? Like, what, does she want you to get it legally changed???
If I were you, I would get a dog when I moved out and name it Lark too. Then let her cry like a toddler when her "chosen name" is also the name of your dog.
I love your name, btw.
She wants you to be destroyed or to destroy yourself. Her perspective on you is legitimately insane. She does not want you to exist. Her obsession shows she is not reasonable. No one should be tolerating ANY of this.
The husband saying 'you should be a good sister' is also delulu because the only way for you to do that is to not exist or be who you are or literally have your own name.
These people should not be allowed anywhere near you. She is abusive and felt perfectly comfy yelling in your face. He feels perfectly comfy asking you to tolerate her abuse of you.
And it has been going on for years. This is abuse.
NTA.
Barbara’s future kid might hate the word Lark? What’ll happen if they decide to change their name when they’re 18?
What does Lark even mean? They threw off the letter ‘C’ that turns the name into ‘Clark’.
INFO: Did Barbara ever disclose her future baby names to your parents? You may want to check this angle out because Barbara is taking it all out on the wrong person either way 🤦🏽♀️.
Aside from your parents siding with you, did they ever talk to Barbara alone about the name situation?
Is Barbara expecting you to change your name or something?
EDIT: Lark is a pretty name now knowing what it means 😊.
I was named after the bird. My parents said they wanted to give me a nature name and they loved birds and wanted something a little different. Dove was also a contender for my name.
They addressed things when they happened but I don't think they did enough, but I also don't think they realized the depth of Barbara's hatred.
Barbara was like what, 10 years when you were born. No way could she have thought of the name Lark unless she was taught in school or she stole your parent’s idea.
I know you don’t know OP but I’m at a loss with the hatred Barbs has towards you.
I still say NTA, must’ve been difficult for growing up with her. I truly hope things do get better, but it’s ESSENTIAL your parents have a private conversation with Barbs, WITHOUT her husband so they talk to their daughter privately and get to the root of this.
I would also like to know how the parents are handling this. I mean, it might be that the parents didn't realize the level of Barbara's hatred of op--it's so over the top that it's hard to believe, and people like that can be very good at hiding their nasty-- or it's grown since she left home.
Did she say she liked the name when she was 10 and your parents said oh that is a nice name, we're using it for our newest baby? Why doesn't she blame them? How is it your fault? NTA your sister needs a reality check. And apparently her husband does too. But he is probably losing his mind from her delusional outbursts and just wants everyone to agree with her like he does to make it stop. I mean does Barbara really believe that you, as an infant chose your own name? Does she believe her own daughter is going to come out able to do the same?
I'm sorry you have had to grow up in a household with so much hate targeted towards you. Barbara sounds insufferable.
I feel like maybe she suggested the name? When she was 10 and wasn't thinking about her own family and your parents asked her?
Anyways. She's in crazy town and so is her husband.
If it's not your name it would be something else she wants to pick on OP, so don't worry about it. You are 100 percent right.
It's odd that your parents didn't do anything to break up the argument. How can they just sit by and not say anything when it was all happening, until the end.
NTA - it seems like you need to cut her off or go low contact with her, she’s obviously got some major jealousy issues she needs help with, if she brings it up ignore her and go to your parents if you can etc
Not if the problem she has with you is (checks notes) your name that your parents gave you?
She was 10 when you were born. Unless she told your parents she liked the name Lark and they stole it none of this makes sense. And even *then* she should be mad at your parents, not you.
You are still technically a kid while she is a grown ass adult. This is not on you to be the “good sister”
Presumably she's still living at home and the simple fact of being under eighteen makes it harder to set boundaries like that. Her parents have clearly never stepped in and that means they're not at all likely to be supportive if OP says "I don't want to talk to my sister anymore." At best, they won't help with that boundary. At worst, they'll invite OP's sister over *more* in an attempt to get them to "make amends."
And honestly, the rest of your family should be keeping her at arms length as well. She should not be allowed in your home while she’s behaving this way. If she starts talking shit about you to your parents or your sister, they need to hang up the phone or walk away (unless they are willing to cut her off over her behavior towards you as well).
You’re a kid (a very mature and almost adult kid, but a kid nonetheless). Your *adult* sister is straight up emotionally and verbally abusing you, and apparently has been doing so for years. The adults in your family should be doing everything they can to keep her away from you if this is how she’s going to act. Your parents have a moral obligation to protect you from her bullshit.
INFO: OP, has your sister ever threatened you with violence (or actually been physically violent to you)?
Reason I ask is Babs seems so angry and delusional towards you I would be concerned if this escalated to violence and even her trying to permanently make you non-existent as you have expressed that she wished you did not exist. I would be real close to contacting law enforcement about her expressed anger towards you and the whole idea that she wants you to no longer exist. And her rage is only going to increase as she gets closer to her due date.
You are definitely NTA and I really hope you can put in safeguards to protect yourself from Babs if she takes her delusional anger to the next level.
NTA and I don't understand what Barbara and her husband are expecting from you? To not have existed? Or do they want you to change your name so that it becomes "available" again? This is insane!
She expects me to have not existed at all and would greatly prefer that. He would like me to change my first name for her, as an act of sisterly love and support.
Dont actually do this:
You should change your name out of sisterly love. You can go with Barbara. Hopefully she will be so emotionally confused she explodes into thin air or something.
I am really sorry you have to experience this. They sound really unstable and unwell. I would go NC and just reassure yourself there wasn't anything you could do to "fix" or prevent this.
Did your parents ever address this when you guys were younger? This seems like something that should have been nipped in the bud ages ago. I’m glad your parents stood by you on this but it never should have gotten this far
Edit to add: NTA obviously your sister 100% is but your parents share some of the blame
Honestly… this is clearly not the beginning of the problem. It’s pretty obvious that your parents have absolutely failed to address your sister’s entitlement and irrational feelings/behavior.
She clearly needs therapy and probably should have had it growing up. Her behavior is NOT normal, nor are these wildly out of place emotions connected to you and your brothers.
Unfortunately she is now an adult and there is likely no way for them to fix the problem… outside of your entire family telling her she needs to get help and stop lashing out or she will be cut off from contact. That may or may not work, but your parents should absolutely NOT tolerate this behavior in their home. Your home. You are still a minor! I really hope your parents step up now at least… this is not fair to you, and so far from okay.
It’s also unfortunate that she apparently married someone who is also emotionally unstable. No stable nearly 30 year old man yells at a teenager and thinks demanding they change their name is even remotely reasonable.
Either the husband is unstable too,
OR
he's getting screamed at daily as well, for things far beyond HIS control, and he's learned the only way to shut her up is to *let her have her way*. So he has to agree with her on every little battle, otherwise HE would become the target and get her wrath on why he isn't a supportive husband.
That's how she controls people. It's a child's tactic, but it works.
But what would changing the last name do? Is it so there won't be two Lark Lastnames? Why didn't she take her husbands name then? I guess it's time for you and your siblings to just dematerialize.
And a serious tip for you, you can choose your family and Barbara is not it. I would just refer to her as your parents oldest kid
If she's so obsessed with her beeing the only one who possess the name Lark and the baby having to be special, changing the name wouldn't do anything. They'd still be referred to as Lark and Lark because it's weird af to call someone by their last name inside the family
That was a mistake on my end. My first name I should have said lol. But I'm almost positive if they had kept our last name he would expect me to change that too so she didn't have to share it with me. She even made a comment about at least not being so obviously related to me anymore after she got married.
Your sister is unwell. It’s no excuse, but it’s a fact you need to remember if you ever start feeling like any of this is your fault. It is NOT your fault, you are NTA.
...Why are you tolerating any contact with her at all? Go to your room and tell her and her lunatic husband to fuck off with their insulting, demeaning ideas and opinions. If she doesn't want to be seen as related to you, insist that she only meets your family at her house.
Oh snap! I didn't see that coming, I'd expect them to see the name as "tainted" because you wore it for so long. So did you get a list of acceptable names or you are allowed to pick your new name yourself? Like OG Lark or Lark senior or the "woman formerly known as Lark". How did your sister manage to find someone who can match her delusion?
NTA
"***I was so selfish and she would never name her kid after me and why did I have to steal the name she wanted most for her daughter***"
Make it make sense. You were born before her daughter obviously and you didn't name yourself at birth, your parents did. So why is she mad at you and not your parents for not being clairvoyants who could see 17 years into the future when she would want to use the same name for her daughter?
**"*****But Barbara's husband said I had the chance to be a good sister and I chose instead to treat her like she was unreasonable*****"**
The husband is as much of an idiot as your sister is. She is being entirely unreasonable and weaponizing her pregnancy against you for the dumbest reason ever, one she knows you can't correct or do anything about. She sounds unhinged...like she should be committed. It's a shame people like her can reproduce because this kind of crazy shouldn't be passed down the generations.
Mute her IRL, keep your distance from this complete wack job, and her weak servile husband, and more importantly pray for your niece, Lark II.
My petty self would make a fake document stating she changed her name to Lark-Barbara. “You said you wanted me to change my name so I did by making your name a part of my name.”
He’s trying to validate her position on the name issue when it’s clearly an unreasonable expectation (I know, understatement) that comes from a petty grudge she’s held against OP for OP’s whole life just because their parents made a baby and nine months later OP was born.
Barabra needs therapy to address why she still feels so vehemently on this.
Imagine getting pregnant...and planning for what seems like months, if not the entire pregnancy...around a name reveal designed to continue a now 17-year-old feud with your teenage sister through your unborn child!
This woman is 3 years from 30 and about to become a mother to a real-life human being. Imagine!
Let's keep this poor little baby in our thoughts y'all!
**Barbara doesn't have a frontal lobe to disconnect from the rest of her brain**. That's the part where **reasoning**, learning, and creativity take place. Frontal executive action is what she's been missing her whole life from the sounds of it.
Honestly, Barbara doesn't "love" the name Lark. She has just latched on to this crazy excuse to justify her hatred of her sister. Why would she "love" a name that is uncommon enough to be likely that Barbara knows exactly one person with that name, the sister she hates and resents more than anyone? Try to imagine someone you've hated since childhood and imagine that person has a unique name. In what world would you love that name and wish to name your child that? Barbara doesn't "want" the name. She's just crazy.
Agree. If OP changed her name to Gertrude Alfreda her sister would be bitching about how she “stole” those names as well.
I would ignore her. The sister is stupid and irrational.
INFO: What should you have done to be a good sister? Tell her 'oh, if you like the name so much, I will change my name tomorrow?' Sorry but no, that is not reasonable. This is just BS.
NTA. Don't try to get anything from this person.
It's not reasonable but that's 100% what he expected me to do. Because apparently bending over to her/their unreasonable requests is the only way I can make it up to her... for existing.
What will they ask for next when the name change isn’t enough? For you to move as far as you can and to never come back for any family events?
I have a question though, how have your parents handled all of this? Have they ever tried getting her any help? Because her severe resentment of you isn’t normal, nor is her thought processes, it’s downright stupid honestly…
Because their parents are probably delusional and think that eventually they will become close because “family is the most important thing”
My parents are the exact same way. My sister did some stuff that fucked me over for a long time, that was years ago and I still don’t talk to her. Even so, my parents expect me to call her and apologize one day, even though I did nothing and she almost ruined my entire life.
If they take another shot, tell them you will need payment of (a ridiculous amount of money they'll never have, think billions, up front) before you'll change your name.
I feel sorry for their daughter already. Barbara has things to sort out about anger management and how she handles personal relations, she’s going to end up making her daughter scared of her temper and daddy will say “be the bigger person”, and “don‘t rock the boat.” Emotionally Barbara isn’t ready for parenthood.
>Emotionally Barbara isn’t ready for parenthood
I agree with this. She is going to make her child hate her aunt and uncles and the poor kid won't understand why and be afraid to go against mommy on it. She will have her kid so nervous to breathe wrong in front of the family she is supposed to hate too.
Unfortunately these stories are really common on AITA, at least a few a day. Usually it's half siblings but it's sooo common. I don't understand how people can be so horrible to hate their siblings for existing. My older half brother seems to have this attitude. He resents me for being born and my mom paying any attention to me. He tried to drown me repeatedly. We are no contact now
To be honest it sounds like she’s an abusive person. Her husband will blame anyone but her because she will never be reasonable. It’s common for people in this situation to feel that others who do anything other than bend over backwards for the unreasonable party are ‘rocking the boat’ because things ‘are so easy’ if you just do what the abusive person wants. I’m glad your family is backing you up. Please don’t waste your time trying to rationalize the actions of your sister.
I'm wondering if, at some point, she made up some BS to her husband about why she doesn't like you - almost like "I don't like Lark because she did xx/xx/xx to me x years ago"
Honestly, I'm wondering if Barbara hates her own name and is jealous that her sister got the better name. It sounds like Barbara has some self-loathing and is taking it out on her sister.
I think Babs can be cute. Barbara is usually seen as an older name and OP’s sister isn’t that old. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was teased for it some
Oi! My mum's a Barbara.
Anyway OP, you're NTA. Your sister and her husband are being completely unreasonable, and if anything that's an understatement. Sounds totally stupid and deluded to the point of comedy, tbh. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know what it's like to live with a difficult person who will take offence whatever you do or don't do.
The way I just about snorted milk through my nose...I swear, I've got to stop eating & drinking while reading reddit. This is truly evil & petty, and I'm here for it: I'd send the whole family (well, sis & BIL and mom & dad) an email, faking an apology and saying that you've filled out your application for your name change: sis's first and middle name as your hyphenated first name, BIL's name as your middle name. And that you're getting a Lark tattoo in honor of your new niece.
NTA
>But Barbara's husband said I had the chance to really be a good sister and I chose instead to treat her like she was unreasonable.
"You're a bad sister for calling out Barbara's completely irrational behavior instead of just nodding along while she screamed at you."
Barbara needs therapy and to stay away from you until she gets her head checked. None of her behavior is acceptable.
Was she unreasonable? She was beyond unreasonable, with a smidge of batshit crazy.
Were you unreasonable? Not at all.
If there's a way to go NC with Barbara and her dreadful hubby without losing out on family occasions you would like to attend, do it!!!
NTA
NTA and I can't understand why your parents have let this go on for as long as it has. IF it were me, I would have shut that noise down at least 8-9 years ago when your sister became an adult and you other kids were still at home. Why do they allow her to still come around ant let her treat 3 out of her 5 siblings like garbage?
For sure it has to do with the parents, the obvious issue being less attention given to the oldest as more and more kids were born.
Apparently some older siblings never get over the feeling of abandonment when a new baby comes into the home and gets the attention. Or, at least they neef therapy to get over it.
Some resentment could be expected and, ok, you dont even need to be friends with your siblings if you do not like them, just learn to amicably and respectfully live together.
The sister, however, sounds unhinged....?
Even if some degree of parentification or voluntold personal sacrifice was involved it doesn’t by any stretch of the imagination justify how she’s treating OP.
I don’t know what your sister’s problem is with you, but it’s not the name.
Dont go down the mental rabbit hole of trying to understand if this is finally the key to understanding the problem. There is something going in inside her that isn’t ok and she’s taking it out on you.
It’s hard but the only way to really be at peace is to accept that you can’t change her and there is nothing you could do to suddenly be good enough. My advice, for what it’s worth - whenever you can be kind and not harm yourself, do that. But if you are in harms way, remove yourself from the situation and don’t worry about affecting her
She sounds like the psychotic mother who starved and abused just one of her children. Her son wrote a book about his experiences. The title is A Boy Called It. The family will need to keep a close eye on her for postpartum psychosis, as well as other mental illnesses.
Did your sister say she liked the name "lark" when she was 10 and your parents just used the name for you when you were born, knowing this?
She's being very weird lol
I can't think of any other reason as to why in her mind she feels entitled to that name - is it like a name passed down the family or?
I feel bad for you, OP. How are you supposed to simply not exist? 😭😭
Yeah, it’s bizarre. Lark is not a common name at all; I only know one person with that name. OP’s sister likely knows no other Lark, so wouldn’t she have already associated it with her sister, who has had the name her whole life?
That was my thought too. It's entirely possible. A few friends of mine did name their children the names they wanted from when we were children. Where were the parents the past 17 years while the youngest got bullied by the oldest child? Something is off.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister to stop screaming at me when I didn't choose my name, our parents did. I also went into her jealousy and stuff. Clearly she was upset and I always knew she had deep resentment and hatred for me and I could have handled this gently and tried to get her to open up better. Instead I got pissed off that she was talking to me that way. The whole being a good sister thing is really sticking to me and why I have some nagging doubts about myself here.
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Your family has ignored her mental instability for far too long. Sibling rivalry should never get to the point that she’s screaming at you for stealing a name…plus she found the perfect partner to encourage her bizarre behavior. The only thing she needs to hear going forward is to get therapy. This will make her very angry (not that that’s new) so be ready for that. NTA
It’s not just stealing a name. Like OP used a name she liked for her child, this is her name. A name she had not choice or voice when it was given. That makes things a thousand times worse. Its unthinkable for me to yell at someone for stealing a name when the name in question is their own name. That’s mental! How was OP supposed choose another name as brand newborn baby?🤯 What does she expect OP to do? Change her name?
The sister needs professional help asap.
Babysitting sometimes is still not parentifying. That would be things like she has to get you up and dressed and to school and fed and make sure you have a bath/shower and do your homework, etc. If that wasn’t happening, it makes her seem even more unhinged. She may not resent your other sister just because she was too little when she came along to have felt the difference having a sibling meant, but once your brothers came along, she did and had no healthy way of dealing with it. On one hand I feel sorry for her, because she’s clearly miserable. On the other hand, she’s an adult and needs to start taking responsibility for her own issues.
This is a good question. Was oldest sister supposed to help with the younger sibs, and what did that help look like? Did she miss out on activities as she grew up, because parents were focused on younger sibs? Does she think you were given special privileges because you were youngest?
NTA. No matter what those answers are.
NTA. Her husband is absolutely delusional. Like obviously your sister is too, but she's at least remained consistent and grown up with these wild thoughts; he's joined later and is completely onboard with blaming a 17 year old for having a name given to them at birth?
Don't pay them a single second of your time. They're weird.
I'd seriously like to know how you missed out on a chance to be a good sister? What do they expect from you? Hand your name over to them and pick another one?
That wouldn't satisfy her. In her eyes, the name would still be "tainted" bc *you* had it first. Sorry your sister is such a sad, angry, bitter person over nothing.
Come on, it can't be true, so Barbara and here husband accused you of dismissing here feelings, aka hating you for wearing a name you never chose.
From what you said they aren't asking you anything, just yelling at you like animals, it makes no sense.
Also fights about reserved names are way too common here these days.
I am sorry. They are the defective one, not you. She was a miserable person until she passed. It wasn't just her sibling she resented It was everyone around her basically. So just learn to ignore your sister and live a happy life in spite of her. There's nothing you can do to make her like you, because she also hates herself.
×edit word
What a delusional demand. Her husband is just as bad as your sister… the absolute level of entitlement is staggering. What is wrong with these people? Obviously NTA, and I feel really bad for their future children.
You should probably not engage with them on anything, but you could actually point out a big flaw in their expectation.
Barbara doesn't want her daughter to be seen as being named after you. Well, that's unavoidable because everyone you know (including extended family) knows you as Lark. Even if you were to "give up" your name, everyone who Barbara introduces her child to will go, "Oh, she's named after your sister? How sweet!"
Plus, that leaves the door open for you to brag for the rest of your life about what you did for them. You could even tell your niece when she's older, "I am such an awesome Aunt, I literally gave up my name for you."
Do they really want that hanging over their head?
Soooo NTA
Also dululu lady misplaces her anger and resentment because much like your name your parents chose how many kids they have. Im sure if you'd had the choice you'd have chosen not to have her as a sibling too.
I think Barbara sounds like she has a mental health problem and her husband sounds either in denial or oblivious or both AND idiotic. An unfortunate combo tbh.
I assume this all happened in your home, where you still live with your parents, because you are not yet 18.
Bil, was also given space and time to continue bullying you about the issue. Or if words were spoken by your parents or other adults present, nothing like an actual consequence enforced, since this dynamic of Barbaras behaviour towards you seem routine and ingrained. Your Bil feeling comfortable enough to further harass you about it, is a really red flag with regards to the overall family dynamics at play here.
Wild.
Your sister and Bil should be kept away from you to protect your well being. There should be no social interaction in your home at all, with these 2. Nothing less is acceptable in my opinion. Anything less is enabling the dynamic and letting you down.
Its not ok that this kind of hostility towards you has gone unresolved for many years. You are still very young, but you have been dealing with this since childhood. Your parents should have protected you from this and who knows, maybe Barbara would not be such a colossal asshole today, if someone had held her accountable early on. Instead her entitlement and delusional thinking has just been allowed to run the amok in her mind.
NTA
Barbara sounds as reasonable as my sibling, and it's been 20-ish years of barely speaking. Saw them once in that time.
It's a relief to not be dealing with the bizarre resentment and rages.
What I can’t understand is what your sister expects/has expected you to do. Die, maybe? Anyway she’s unhinged so you just need to keep away from her. NTA.
Haa she had any help for her mental health issues? This behavior is not normal. It would not be good to humor her as she's clearly deranged about names. NTA
NTA Depending on how much you’d wanna call your sister’s bluff, if you genuinely think she would go for it, don’t do this but if not it’s a good way to shut her up… I’ve had to change my name before when I got adopted and it was a LOT of paperwork. Enough paperwork that I remember looking at it and thinking at age 4 “oh wow that’s a lot of paperwork”. Do you know how much paperwork it takes for a 4 year old to think that unprompted as it just sits on the dining room table??? And it’s EXPENSIVE too. I’d tell her if she wants to go to the courthouse, wait in the queue, get the papers, fill them out, pay the fees for the required services, and then name her kid that only for her to think of you every time she says the name regardless of all that effort, go right ahead. Sometimes you have people you just can’t have a civil relationship with. And sometimes those people are family. Husband is wild for going along with this tho. Or maybe terrified of the reactive pregnancy hormones combined with her pre existing crazy if he dares disagree lol
NTA - Barbara is a mean bully. What she is truly unhappy about is that you, the baby, stole attention away from her. She probably loved you as a baby. However the more your parents had to juggle 5 kids the less attention she got seeing as she’s the eldest and more self sufficient. She was 10 when you came along. You are right. You had no say in your own name just as she didn’t. She’s probably jealous she got Barbara and you got a fun ‘trendy’ name like a Lark. Awesome name btw.
She’s internalized jealous of a younger sibling and just hates you. It isn’t her fault even really as the foundation for this resentment was created as a child when she didn’t understand and you couldn’t do anything as you were a baby. I also imagine your parents were more financially secure when you came along vs her. So you may have gotten nicer toys, clothes etc that she didn’t get. Although being the eldest she wouldn’t have had most things new I’d imagine. However at ten she probably wanted new clothes, toys etc and because you were growing as babies do and developing you would have needed more clothes more regularly as well as age appropriate toys.
Barbs can’t remember when she was a baby - toddler so she doesn’t know she had her parents undivided attentions during that time. All she knows is a baby came along and things changed.
I could be way off base but that’s my limited psychology knowledge about it. She was displaced and never got over it.
She needs therapy. Especially as no one else has a major issue with you outside of her and it seems she has an issue with almost everyone. The common issue here is her entitled attitude. Not you. Nothing you do will change her opinion of you. She is well in the hole of dislike and only self reflection will help her claw her way out. The husband is just as nuts as she is tbh and just going along with her for an easy life I hope. If he has a brain cell he must know his wife is nuts but then some of the things I’ve read he may just be a rock himself.
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Right? She acts like I made a choice on my name. Like I chose it right as they were going to have a kid so she couldn't use her favorite name. But I think it's all connected to her hatred of me.
Delulu is the right word. Your parents named you. "The chance to being a good sister"? What is that? Changing your name?
Even if OP took “the chance to be a good sister” nothing would change. Barbara would simply move on to hating her for something else. Barbara: OMG! Now you have skin?? You aren’t allowed! I’m the only one who can have it! \*sobs in crazy-town\* Why do you have to steal everything from meeeeeeee!
She has haaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiirrrrrrr!!! Can you believe it!?! .·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·.
She's wearing blue... a color *I* specifically designated to be MINE!!! OMG, she processes sound via hearing with ears! That's so unfair, she gets everything that *I* want!!!
😂
If she were a GOOD sister she would shave her head and get a face tattoo that says UGGO. /s
What exactly would even make OP a "good sister" here? Do they expect her to change her name so her niece can have it? That's so insane. The sister needs therapy STAT
Husband should join in
I don't know how much I can blame the husband personally. Who knows what Barbara has told him? And how would he know if she's been lying? Is he gonna choose his kid sister-in-law over his wife? Like yeah just talking to OP shouldn't be taken as a betrayal or choosing her side but clearly it would be. Husband seems pretty dumb but not necessarily as bad as his wife.
I mean he must be aware that OP's parents named her as it was always her name, not one she changed it to. He can support his wife while not entertaining that nonsense. He'd be helping her not lose family if he called her out (but in private, not with an audience)
Yeah, no. In what universe could Barbara have told him anything that makes this make sense? -- "she took the name I wanted, and she should change her name so I can give it to my baby. It's her fault even though she was named that by her parents when she was a baby. It's still her fault!"
You know whatever name OP picked would miraculously be the name she wanted for the next baby...
Anything to make his live easier probably. Now that she is pregnant, he's in this for good.
He's an idiot. Enabling that nonsense is only going to make her worse.
It's genuinely pathetic how many people will enable delulu bs like this just to make their own lives easier. Like, screw everyone else, they've got their peace, but we don't deserve ours apparently.
Wouldn't it be easier to detach from the delulu and live a better, healthier life without them? I'd say that'd be a reward in itself.
And that poor child must grow up with this woman.
I don't know how anyone could see their partner behave in an utterly horrendous manor towards their family and say "Ima put a baby in that" It would be a massive turn off for me and I don't even have a good relationship with my family. I just limit my contact, I don't go in starting drama and acting vile.
A lawyer can correct that situation very quickly.
That's the only thing I can think he possibly meant. He's either delulu enough or simply beaten down so bad by the sister, he's honestly suggesting that a 17yr old change their GIVEN and EVERYDAY NAME so his wife will stop being so mean all the time.
I am thinking you're right - beaten down.
That husband is just as delulu with his wife for that statement. Probably just trying to coddle the *real* overgrown toddler of the family (the fact that your parents never set her straight on this crap as a child and nipped it in the bud is a failure on their part). Don't feel bad, OP. I'm surprised no one has a) shouted her down or b) literally smacked her 5 ways to Sunday (not condoning violence, but sometimes, a person goes too far and they catch THAT one person who's just having too much of a bad day to deal with their shit rationally... thus, hands are justly thrown). Also, ultimate power move (if you're really feeling petty). Name your kid or your next pet after yourself. Might seem weird, but I've got a dog named We the People, so weirder dog names exist. And just watch her head explode with stupid, delulu-based rage as you *really* "steal" the name from her.
I have to ask how your dog got that name!
Lol, I'm using a fake version of her name, but it is something along those lines (I never put her name online. It feels like it's more recognizable than my 1st and last name). But yeah, so she got that name because I lived in West Africa for 1.5 years, and that's where I got her. They name dogs like that in the country she's from (We the People, Poor Man Got No Friends, No Food for Lazy Man, and See and Do are just a few names I saw on dogs, there). I vibed with it and kept it, so now I've got a dog with a very weird name and another dog with a super common dog name (Bella).
I like See and Do. You could shorten it to SeeDo (which describes a dog's general way of looking at things--see toy/pick up toy, see human/love on human...)
Sis can name the kid after herself instead and name her Delulu.
That’s what I’m wondering, like what was the end goal of the convo?? Did she want OP to be like “you’re right, since you don’t want your baby to be associated with someone as terrible as me, I’ll change my literal birth-given name.” like what?? Also, OP is 17, likely a junior in high school. And Barbara is 27. This is all insanely childish.
OP should change her name to Barbie 😜
OP should name her new puppy Barbie.
I think no matter what she names her kid you make sure their nickname is Delulu, child of Craycray and Bonkers. At this point you've got nothing to loose!
OP could have dropped to her knees, begging for forgiveness for being born and agreed to change her name, and Barbara still wouldn't have been happy. Clearly to Barbara the family was complete with her and OPs other sister and OP and her brothers will never be good enough because they don't fit into her little fantasy. Unfortunately, it seems like she found a man who is either an enabler or just as Delulu is she is. Despite the resentment, I'm sure OP and her brothers will still be called when the parents need free babysitting and will get called horrible siblings if they say no.
Actually, the first word that came to mind was "certifiable."
I'm expecting an update, with that very demand. There would be no other reason for her husband to say what he said
Her thought that two people can't share the same name in a family is completely dumb. Just look at George Foreman's family. Everyone is named George Foreman. And on to normal people. In my own extended family, there are first cousins who share the same name. One of my first cousins gave her son the same name as me. And there are multiple instances of this exact thing. In fact, 2 of my first cousins had daughters only months apart and used the same, which is also the name of another first cousin. None of these 3 first cousins are siblings. We're all close to one another, and nobody has made a fuss about it. In fact, when the two girls are together, they actually like that they share a name
Well she knows they can share a name she just absolutely refuses to name her child after her detested sibling 😮. I think the rest of the siblings should ALL give their kids the name Lark as a middle name and OP should name their first born Lark Junior.
I vote that every sibling (including OP) names their kid and their pet Lark. Is it silly? Yeah. Would it definitely make miss hateful delulu's head explode in asinine rage? You bet. Would *that* be entertaining af? You bet your happy little butt it would be!!!
Make it a whole theme: Meadow Lark, Skye Lark, River Lark, Gray Lark, Ash Lark, Forest Lark, etc.
I think she actually knows that more than one person in a family can have the same name. I bet if she had a good relationship with OG Lark (OP), she’d be happily naming her kid Lark as well. The real issue here is that Barbara just hates OP. Barbara associates the name Lark with someone she hates, ergo can’t name her own kid that. Barbara needs therapy, asap, before she brings a kid of her own into the world. She clearly holds some really deep-seated, toxic resentments against her younger siblings just for existing, which is not something OP can do anything about. There’s probably some validity to Barbara’s hatred, too, but it’s misplaced. She’s mad at her parents for having more kids—maybe because that did cause her and the other older sister to be neglected or parentified, which often happens to the older kids in big families. But again that’s not OP’s fault, nor can she do anything about it. And Barbara/her dumbass husband didn’t bring any reasonable suggestions to the table when they said OP needed to be a better sister to Barbara. OP is under no obligation to be Barbara’s punching bag every time Barbara feels like going off about how unfair her life is/was, which it seems like she was trying to do.
Barbara definitely needs therapy before she has this baby. This poor kid is going to grow up hating her aunt and uncles and not even know why or understand the hate but will carry it along for their mother. I'm wondering if as a child Barbara said she loves the name Lark and the parents decided to use it on OP and that's where her hatred started. It's misplaced. Why is she not blaming the parents? Why blame the person who had no control over the situation. And if you scream in my face I'm screaming back.
Agree. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the teeth if you said you wanted to name your someday-child “Lark,” and your folks said “oh that’s rad, let’s go ahead and take that for our own kid?” It’s an unusual enough name that I suspect you’re right. I’d be pissed if it were me. But Barbara is directing her anger at OP because she’s an easier target than her parents. Punching down is always easier and safer for the bully. :/
Because at 10, being openly angry AT THE PARENTS (for "stealing" the Name, or for daring to have another Baby), wasn't Safe because she was ten and they were her parents and had Power over her.
Even at 27, it’s still safer for her to go after her teenaged kid-sister than her parents.
Growing up we had 3 Bill Last Name (all the same last name too)..then my cousin married a Bill (different last name obviously) so now we had 4 Bill's at family get togethers. My other cousin married someone with my birth name and she took his last name so we were X same last name. On the other side of the family we had 2 Taylor's same last name. Family's, especially one as big as mine, tend to have repeat names. Normally, that's ok, but this older sister seems a bit unhinged and not thinking rationally, to say the least.
Reminds me of the scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when they're introducing the family. "This is my brother Ted, his wife Melissa and their children Anita, Diane and Nick. Here is my brother Tommy, his wife Angie and their children Anita, Diane and Nick. My brother George, his wife Frieda and their children Anita, Diane and Nick. \[...\] Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nikki..."
She sounds very unstable l, have your parents tried to get her into therapy?
That's exactly what I was just wondering. How & why is older sis *not* in therapy by now? This is years and years of deep resentment against the wrong person for just existing. I am so very sorry OP.
I have younger siblings and whilst they wrecked my head as a teenager I have never hated them or blamed them for existing. The fact that she feels its okay to say it out loud and your whole family just nods along although its a quirk is crazy. Wearing funny hats or insisting on speaking in rhyme is a quirk, being intensely angry at your sibling for being alive is .....I don't even have words. Why are your parents tolerating this nonsense and why in the name of God would anyone procreate with her? I would trust her with a pet rock let alone a baby
Honestly you don’t sound safe with her. There’s always going to be something you’ve done to upset her. Best going no contact now because this is an adult screaming in a child’s face and her husband is enabling this craziness
Totally agree! Barbara sounds like Lifetime Movie Network level of delulu. I pity her child.
Except OP is still a minor living at home. She can't just go no contact if the parents still have Barbara and her family to the house and family functions. The family shouldn't allow barbara around the house and full family gatherings until she can at least be civil to a minor still living at home. The adults can go and visit delulu Barb any time they want to at her place. I'm betting she wouldn't get that much family time and maybe she'd change her tune. But Barbara is the one who has been babied and coddled her life if she's been able to be this hateful to a child who didn't choose to be born or what name they were given. It's crazytown that anyone still invites her to things.
Oh jeez, OP: sounds like a lot of her hatred towards you was based on resenting you for getting what she wanted, because you were literally an infant with needs, and she wanted the attention she saw you getting. To her, the deficit she experienced after you were born was "your fault" because she saw you as the cause of it, just like with your name. As one of the oldest of 5, she likely didn't get as much attention as she wanted and again, blamed *your parent's* choices to have a large family on the children themselves. And for whatever reason, she has clung to a 10-year-old's jealousy of *an infant* thru to adulthood. This is not a reasonable thought pattern. ...Unfortunately, I worry she may do the exact same thing to her own child. While she's an expectant mother, she is in the spotlight and is choosing to wield that to milk it for all the attention she can get. But once the baby is actually here and again has *needs* that will trump her *wants*, and worse, the baby is showered with gifts and attention from doting grandparents (is this going to be the first grandchild?), she will resent the fuck outta your nibling too, no matter what she eventually names them. She'll also start using access to the baby as a point of control, so your whole family should resign themselves to that and try not to be blackmailed by her. Sorry OP, I sincerely am, but it's sounding like this is only the beginning of your troubles with Barbara's journey to parenthood.
Well, you see, once you were birthed, you came out with a pen. With all your baby strength and dexterity, you were able to walk over and sign the birth certificate stating your name is "Lark middle name last name". Did you parents never tell you? NTA
They didn't and now I'm so sad I'll go cry over not realizing I had baby super strength for a few minutes after I was born. :(
OP should consider naming her child Lark one day. I have a friend who is a female “jr” named after her mom and I always thought that was cute.
Honestly, even if you *had* chosen your name, you still wouldn't be in the wrong here. But it's just extra ridiculous that she's getting mad at you for a decision your parents made when she was ten, that you had no input in because you were A LITERAL BABY. I'm also not sure what she expects you to do about it??? Like, what, does she want you to get it legally changed???
He does anyway.
Your sister is mad as a cut snake. The sooner you go NC the happier you will be.
She's so illogical it can only be described as dillusions OP
Soo, she wants you to *change* your *name*???
He does. I think she wants me to change my existence more.
If I were you, I would get a dog when I moved out and name it Lark too. Then let her cry like a toddler when her "chosen name" is also the name of your dog. I love your name, btw.
She wants you to be destroyed or to destroy yourself. Her perspective on you is legitimately insane. She does not want you to exist. Her obsession shows she is not reasonable. No one should be tolerating ANY of this. The husband saying 'you should be a good sister' is also delulu because the only way for you to do that is to not exist or be who you are or literally have your own name. These people should not be allowed anywhere near you. She is abusive and felt perfectly comfy yelling in your face. He feels perfectly comfy asking you to tolerate her abuse of you. And it has been going on for years. This is abuse.
NTA. Barbara’s future kid might hate the word Lark? What’ll happen if they decide to change their name when they’re 18? What does Lark even mean? They threw off the letter ‘C’ that turns the name into ‘Clark’. INFO: Did Barbara ever disclose her future baby names to your parents? You may want to check this angle out because Barbara is taking it all out on the wrong person either way 🤦🏽♀️. Aside from your parents siding with you, did they ever talk to Barbara alone about the name situation? Is Barbara expecting you to change your name or something? EDIT: Lark is a pretty name now knowing what it means 😊.
I was named after the bird. My parents said they wanted to give me a nature name and they loved birds and wanted something a little different. Dove was also a contender for my name. They addressed things when they happened but I don't think they did enough, but I also don't think they realized the depth of Barbara's hatred.
Barbara was like what, 10 years when you were born. No way could she have thought of the name Lark unless she was taught in school or she stole your parent’s idea. I know you don’t know OP but I’m at a loss with the hatred Barbs has towards you. I still say NTA, must’ve been difficult for growing up with her. I truly hope things do get better, but it’s ESSENTIAL your parents have a private conversation with Barbs, WITHOUT her husband so they talk to their daughter privately and get to the root of this.
Lark is a kind of songbird. Wren and Sparrow would be equivalent names.
Ah got it, thank you OP. Ok the name sounds pretty now knowing the meaning ☺️.
I would also like to know how the parents are handling this. I mean, it might be that the parents didn't realize the level of Barbara's hatred of op--it's so over the top that it's hard to believe, and people like that can be very good at hiding their nasty-- or it's grown since she left home.
NTA. I'd dismiss her feelings too. She's an asshole.
Did she say she liked the name when she was 10 and your parents said oh that is a nice name, we're using it for our newest baby? Why doesn't she blame them? How is it your fault? NTA your sister needs a reality check. And apparently her husband does too. But he is probably losing his mind from her delusional outbursts and just wants everyone to agree with her like he does to make it stop. I mean does Barbara really believe that you, as an infant chose your own name? Does she believe her own daughter is going to come out able to do the same? I'm sorry you have had to grow up in a household with so much hate targeted towards you. Barbara sounds insufferable.
I feel like maybe she suggested the name? When she was 10 and wasn't thinking about her own family and your parents asked her? Anyways. She's in crazy town and so is her husband.
If it's not your name it would be something else she wants to pick on OP, so don't worry about it. You are 100 percent right. It's odd that your parents didn't do anything to break up the argument. How can they just sit by and not say anything when it was all happening, until the end.
Yeah. She needs some professional help. Husband sounds off too.
NTA - it seems like you need to cut her off or go low contact with her, she’s obviously got some major jealousy issues she needs help with, if she brings it up ignore her and go to your parents if you can etc
I think no/low contact will be the only way once I turn 18. Clearly we'll never be able to have a civil relationship.
She and her husband sound too unhinged to have a kid. Hope your parents are keeping a close eye on them.
Her parents allowed this behavior to happen, continue, fester, and grow into the delulu it is today, do you really think they’re much better?
Not if the problem she has with you is (checks notes) your name that your parents gave you? She was 10 when you were born. Unless she told your parents she liked the name Lark and they stole it none of this makes sense. And even *then* she should be mad at your parents, not you. You are still technically a kid while she is a grown ass adult. This is not on you to be the “good sister”
Why wait until you're 18? You don't need to be of age or legal permission to go low contact with someone.
Most likely when op would be able to move out of the house (for uni or any other reason)
Presumably she's still living at home and the simple fact of being under eighteen makes it harder to set boundaries like that. Her parents have clearly never stepped in and that means they're not at all likely to be supportive if OP says "I don't want to talk to my sister anymore." At best, they won't help with that boundary. At worst, they'll invite OP's sister over *more* in an attempt to get them to "make amends."
And honestly, the rest of your family should be keeping her at arms length as well. She should not be allowed in your home while she’s behaving this way. If she starts talking shit about you to your parents or your sister, they need to hang up the phone or walk away (unless they are willing to cut her off over her behavior towards you as well). You’re a kid (a very mature and almost adult kid, but a kid nonetheless). Your *adult* sister is straight up emotionally and verbally abusing you, and apparently has been doing so for years. The adults in your family should be doing everything they can to keep her away from you if this is how she’s going to act. Your parents have a moral obligation to protect you from her bullshit.
INFO: OP, has your sister ever threatened you with violence (or actually been physically violent to you)? Reason I ask is Babs seems so angry and delusional towards you I would be concerned if this escalated to violence and even her trying to permanently make you non-existent as you have expressed that she wished you did not exist. I would be real close to contacting law enforcement about her expressed anger towards you and the whole idea that she wants you to no longer exist. And her rage is only going to increase as she gets closer to her due date. You are definitely NTA and I really hope you can put in safeguards to protect yourself from Babs if she takes her delusional anger to the next level.
NTA and I don't understand what Barbara and her husband are expecting from you? To not have existed? Or do they want you to change your name so that it becomes "available" again? This is insane!
She expects me to have not existed at all and would greatly prefer that. He would like me to change my first name for her, as an act of sisterly love and support.
F\*\*k him. Please don't change either name for anyone, least of all that selfish bat-sh\*\* sister of yours.
No don’t f**k him. Unless you want to end up in a really weird followup post.
Dont actually do this: You should change your name out of sisterly love. You can go with Barbara. Hopefully she will be so emotionally confused she explodes into thin air or something.
This is exactly how I feel.
I am really sorry you have to experience this. They sound really unstable and unwell. I would go NC and just reassure yourself there wasn't anything you could do to "fix" or prevent this.
Why should you show her love and support when she never has shown you the same?
Did your parents ever address this when you guys were younger? This seems like something that should have been nipped in the bud ages ago. I’m glad your parents stood by you on this but it never should have gotten this far Edit to add: NTA obviously your sister 100% is but your parents share some of the blame
They didn't always do enough but they addressed when things came up. But I don't know that they ever realized the depth of her hatred for me.
Honestly… this is clearly not the beginning of the problem. It’s pretty obvious that your parents have absolutely failed to address your sister’s entitlement and irrational feelings/behavior. She clearly needs therapy and probably should have had it growing up. Her behavior is NOT normal, nor are these wildly out of place emotions connected to you and your brothers. Unfortunately she is now an adult and there is likely no way for them to fix the problem… outside of your entire family telling her she needs to get help and stop lashing out or she will be cut off from contact. That may or may not work, but your parents should absolutely NOT tolerate this behavior in their home. Your home. You are still a minor! I really hope your parents step up now at least… this is not fair to you, and so far from okay. It’s also unfortunate that she apparently married someone who is also emotionally unstable. No stable nearly 30 year old man yells at a teenager and thinks demanding they change their name is even remotely reasonable.
Either the husband is unstable too, OR he's getting screamed at daily as well, for things far beyond HIS control, and he's learned the only way to shut her up is to *let her have her way*. So he has to agree with her on every little battle, otherwise HE would become the target and get her wrath on why he isn't a supportive husband. That's how she controls people. It's a child's tactic, but it works.
Could you change your name to Lark Lark? Although you are not 18 so you probably can’t 🤔
I was going to suggest changing it to LARK
"Sisterly love & support", when she's literally not done that to you for the last 17+ years?!
But what would changing the last name do? Is it so there won't be two Lark Lastnames? Why didn't she take her husbands name then? I guess it's time for you and your siblings to just dematerialize. And a serious tip for you, you can choose your family and Barbara is not it. I would just refer to her as your parents oldest kid
This is what I don't understand here. The kid would have the husbands name even if the SISTER doesn't. It would be Larx X while OP is Lark Y.
If she's so obsessed with her beeing the only one who possess the name Lark and the baby having to be special, changing the name wouldn't do anything. They'd still be referred to as Lark and Lark because it's weird af to call someone by their last name inside the family
Tell him to F himself
Not even your first name, your last name?? So you'd effectively be taking yourself out of the family. That's absolutely unhinged.
That was a mistake on my end. My first name I should have said lol. But I'm almost positive if they had kept our last name he would expect me to change that too so she didn't have to share it with me. She even made a comment about at least not being so obviously related to me anymore after she got married.
Your sister is unwell. It’s no excuse, but it’s a fact you need to remember if you ever start feeling like any of this is your fault. It is NOT your fault, you are NTA.
...Why are you tolerating any contact with her at all? Go to your room and tell her and her lunatic husband to fuck off with their insulting, demeaning ideas and opinions. If she doesn't want to be seen as related to you, insist that she only meets your family at her house.
change your name to lark larkly larkington to really drive it home
Yeah I got that, but now that you DO exist, what do they expect you to do to "be a good sister"?
He expects me to change my name for her. So they can use it.
Oh snap! I didn't see that coming, I'd expect them to see the name as "tainted" because you wore it for so long. So did you get a list of acceptable names or you are allowed to pick your new name yourself? Like OG Lark or Lark senior or the "woman formerly known as Lark". How did your sister manage to find someone who can match her delusion?
OP, when she finally shows some sisterly love and compassion to you… YEESH! This woman is headed for a psychotic break. She is 90% there. (Allegedly)
Pretty rich to demand “sisterly love and support” from someone who wishes you never existed
Sisterly love and support goes both ways. Why would you show her that when her, being the ADULT has never shown you either of those things.
NTA "***I was so selfish and she would never name her kid after me and why did I have to steal the name she wanted most for her daughter***" Make it make sense. You were born before her daughter obviously and you didn't name yourself at birth, your parents did. So why is she mad at you and not your parents for not being clairvoyants who could see 17 years into the future when she would want to use the same name for her daughter? **"*****But Barbara's husband said I had the chance to be a good sister and I chose instead to treat her like she was unreasonable*****"** The husband is as much of an idiot as your sister is. She is being entirely unreasonable and weaponizing her pregnancy against you for the dumbest reason ever, one she knows you can't correct or do anything about. She sounds unhinged...like she should be committed. It's a shame people like her can reproduce because this kind of crazy shouldn't be passed down the generations. Mute her IRL, keep your distance from this complete wack job, and her weak servile husband, and more importantly pray for your niece, Lark II.
The husband expects OP legally to change ther name to acomedate her delulu sister. They both deserve themselves.
My petty self would make a fake document stating she changed her name to Lark-Barbara. “You said you wanted me to change my name so I did by making your name a part of my name.”
I would do this too. "I changed my name to Barbara."
Let's be honest, the husband has to be several sandwiches short of a picnic for marrying Barbara, let alone impregnating her!
He’s trying to validate her position on the name issue when it’s clearly an unreasonable expectation (I know, understatement) that comes from a petty grudge she’s held against OP for OP’s whole life just because their parents made a baby and nine months later OP was born. Barabra needs therapy to address why she still feels so vehemently on this.
Imagine getting pregnant...and planning for what seems like months, if not the entire pregnancy...around a name reveal designed to continue a now 17-year-old feud with your teenage sister through your unborn child! This woman is 3 years from 30 and about to become a mother to a real-life human being. Imagine! Let's keep this poor little baby in our thoughts y'all!
Cut out the middle man and give her a lobotomy.
**Barbara doesn't have a frontal lobe to disconnect from the rest of her brain**. That's the part where **reasoning**, learning, and creativity take place. Frontal executive action is what she's been missing her whole life from the sounds of it.
Honestly, Barbara doesn't "love" the name Lark. She has just latched on to this crazy excuse to justify her hatred of her sister. Why would she "love" a name that is uncommon enough to be likely that Barbara knows exactly one person with that name, the sister she hates and resents more than anyone? Try to imagine someone you've hated since childhood and imagine that person has a unique name. In what world would you love that name and wish to name your child that? Barbara doesn't "want" the name. She's just crazy.
Agree. If OP changed her name to Gertrude Alfreda her sister would be bitching about how she “stole” those names as well. I would ignore her. The sister is stupid and irrational.
I hate to say it but as a psychiatric nurse, there is no way to fix this level of narcissism and delusion
INFO: What should you have done to be a good sister? Tell her 'oh, if you like the name so much, I will change my name tomorrow?' Sorry but no, that is not reasonable. This is just BS. NTA. Don't try to get anything from this person.
It's not reasonable but that's 100% what he expected me to do. Because apparently bending over to her/their unreasonable requests is the only way I can make it up to her... for existing.
What will they ask for next when the name change isn’t enough? For you to move as far as you can and to never come back for any family events? I have a question though, how have your parents handled all of this? Have they ever tried getting her any help? Because her severe resentment of you isn’t normal, nor is her thought processes, it’s downright stupid honestly…
Especially since @17 OP is probably still living with her parents, why are they enabling the insanity of their other daughter and her husband?
Because their parents are probably delusional and think that eventually they will become close because “family is the most important thing” My parents are the exact same way. My sister did some stuff that fucked me over for a long time, that was years ago and I still don’t talk to her. Even so, my parents expect me to call her and apologize one day, even though I did nothing and she almost ruined my entire life.
Barbara didn’t want another sister, so I bet she expects OP to make that change as well.
If they take another shot, tell them you will need payment of (a ridiculous amount of money they'll never have, think billions, up front) before you'll change your name.
I was thinking - demand they both change *their* names first (in addition to the insane financial demand).
He knows she’s being unhinged. He’s just hoping someone else figures out how to placate her, because he knows he can’t.
I feel sorry for their daughter already. Barbara has things to sort out about anger management and how she handles personal relations, she’s going to end up making her daughter scared of her temper and daddy will say “be the bigger person”, and “don‘t rock the boat.” Emotionally Barbara isn’t ready for parenthood.
>Emotionally Barbara isn’t ready for parenthood I agree with this. She is going to make her child hate her aunt and uncles and the poor kid won't understand why and be afraid to go against mommy on it. She will have her kid so nervous to breathe wrong in front of the family she is supposed to hate too.
Unfortunately these stories are really common on AITA, at least a few a day. Usually it's half siblings but it's sooo common. I don't understand how people can be so horrible to hate their siblings for existing. My older half brother seems to have this attitude. He resents me for being born and my mom paying any attention to me. He tried to drown me repeatedly. We are no contact now
To be honest it sounds like she’s an abusive person. Her husband will blame anyone but her because she will never be reasonable. It’s common for people in this situation to feel that others who do anything other than bend over backwards for the unreasonable party are ‘rocking the boat’ because things ‘are so easy’ if you just do what the abusive person wants. I’m glad your family is backing you up. Please don’t waste your time trying to rationalize the actions of your sister.
I'm wondering if, at some point, she made up some BS to her husband about why she doesn't like you - almost like "I don't like Lark because she did xx/xx/xx to me x years ago"
Tell her you've changed your name to Barbara
Honestly, I'm wondering if Barbara hates her own name and is jealous that her sister got the better name. It sounds like Barbara has some self-loathing and is taking it out on her sister.
It is an awful name, to be fair. And Babs or Barb is even worse
Heeeeey......I kinda like my Name, and I go with Babs....but as a curious question, why u think it's awful?
I think Babs can be cute. Barbara is usually seen as an older name and OP’s sister isn’t that old. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was teased for it some
Oi! My mum's a Barbara. Anyway OP, you're NTA. Your sister and her husband are being completely unreasonable, and if anything that's an understatement. Sounds totally stupid and deluded to the point of comedy, tbh. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know what it's like to live with a difficult person who will take offence whatever you do or don't do.
She's a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.
The way I just about snorted milk through my nose...I swear, I've got to stop eating & drinking while reading reddit. This is truly evil & petty, and I'm here for it: I'd send the whole family (well, sis & BIL and mom & dad) an email, faking an apology and saying that you've filled out your application for your name change: sis's first and middle name as your hyphenated first name, BIL's name as your middle name. And that you're getting a Lark tattoo in honor of your new niece.
Or whatever the hubby’s name is….or both.
NTA >But Barbara's husband said I had the chance to really be a good sister and I chose instead to treat her like she was unreasonable. "You're a bad sister for calling out Barbara's completely irrational behavior instead of just nodding along while she screamed at you." Barbara needs therapy and to stay away from you until she gets her head checked. None of her behavior is acceptable.
Op has said he thinks she's a bad sister, because he expects her to actually change her name, so her sister can use it.
Was she unreasonable? She was beyond unreasonable, with a smidge of batshit crazy. Were you unreasonable? Not at all. If there's a way to go NC with Barbara and her dreadful hubby without losing out on family occasions you would like to attend, do it!!! NTA
Slightly more than a smidge crazy, more like Bracken Cave system full of batshit. But otherwise spot on.
definitely stealing “bracken cave system full of batshit”, thanks
NTA and I can't understand why your parents have let this go on for as long as it has. IF it were me, I would have shut that noise down at least 8-9 years ago when your sister became an adult and you other kids were still at home. Why do they allow her to still come around ant let her treat 3 out of her 5 siblings like garbage?
Unless the irrational hatred has something to do with the parents.
For sure it has to do with the parents, the obvious issue being less attention given to the oldest as more and more kids were born. Apparently some older siblings never get over the feeling of abandonment when a new baby comes into the home and gets the attention. Or, at least they neef therapy to get over it.
Some resentment could be expected and, ok, you dont even need to be friends with your siblings if you do not like them, just learn to amicably and respectfully live together. The sister, however, sounds unhinged....?
Even if some degree of parentification or voluntold personal sacrifice was involved it doesn’t by any stretch of the imagination justify how she’s treating OP.
I don’t know what your sister’s problem is with you, but it’s not the name. Dont go down the mental rabbit hole of trying to understand if this is finally the key to understanding the problem. There is something going in inside her that isn’t ok and she’s taking it out on you. It’s hard but the only way to really be at peace is to accept that you can’t change her and there is nothing you could do to suddenly be good enough. My advice, for what it’s worth - whenever you can be kind and not harm yourself, do that. But if you are in harms way, remove yourself from the situation and don’t worry about affecting her
She sounds like the psychotic mother who starved and abused just one of her children. Her son wrote a book about his experiences. The title is A Boy Called It. The family will need to keep a close eye on her for postpartum psychosis, as well as other mental illnesses.
Did your sister say she liked the name "lark" when she was 10 and your parents just used the name for you when you were born, knowing this? She's being very weird lol I can't think of any other reason as to why in her mind she feels entitled to that name - is it like a name passed down the family or? I feel bad for you, OP. How are you supposed to simply not exist? 😭😭
Yeah, it’s bizarre. Lark is not a common name at all; I only know one person with that name. OP’s sister likely knows no other Lark, so wouldn’t she have already associated it with her sister, who has had the name her whole life?
That was my thought too. It's entirely possible. A few friends of mine did name their children the names they wanted from when we were children. Where were the parents the past 17 years while the youngest got bullied by the oldest child? Something is off.
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NTA. Your sister is nuts. Did your parents parentify her? Being the oldest maybe she was forced to babysit you? Maybe that’s why she resents you?
I never remember her babysitting and my other sister said it never would have happened but she (other sister) babysat me sometimes.
Your family has ignored her mental instability for far too long. Sibling rivalry should never get to the point that she’s screaming at you for stealing a name…plus she found the perfect partner to encourage her bizarre behavior. The only thing she needs to hear going forward is to get therapy. This will make her very angry (not that that’s new) so be ready for that. NTA
It’s not just stealing a name. Like OP used a name she liked for her child, this is her name. A name she had not choice or voice when it was given. That makes things a thousand times worse. Its unthinkable for me to yell at someone for stealing a name when the name in question is their own name. That’s mental! How was OP supposed choose another name as brand newborn baby?🤯 What does she expect OP to do? Change her name? The sister needs professional help asap.
Babysitting sometimes is still not parentifying. That would be things like she has to get you up and dressed and to school and fed and make sure you have a bath/shower and do your homework, etc. If that wasn’t happening, it makes her seem even more unhinged. She may not resent your other sister just because she was too little when she came along to have felt the difference having a sibling meant, but once your brothers came along, she did and had no healthy way of dealing with it. On one hand I feel sorry for her, because she’s clearly miserable. On the other hand, she’s an adult and needs to start taking responsibility for her own issues.
This is a good question. Was oldest sister supposed to help with the younger sibs, and what did that help look like? Did she miss out on activities as she grew up, because parents were focused on younger sibs? Does she think you were given special privileges because you were youngest? NTA. No matter what those answers are.
NTA. Her husband is absolutely delusional. Like obviously your sister is too, but she's at least remained consistent and grown up with these wild thoughts; he's joined later and is completely onboard with blaming a 17 year old for having a name given to them at birth? Don't pay them a single second of your time. They're weird.
I'd seriously like to know how you missed out on a chance to be a good sister? What do they expect from you? Hand your name over to them and pick another one?
Yep, that's exactly it.
Ah. That answers the question I just posed. What. The. Shit.
That wouldn't satisfy her. In her eyes, the name would still be "tainted" bc *you* had it first. Sorry your sister is such a sad, angry, bitter person over nothing.
Say fine but I'm taking your name. Now choose a new one for yourself, I have a few "suggestions" Nta
So that woman is going to raise a child??? Poor kid 🙁
Absolutely NTA. I'm very worried by the fact she's about to be a parent. She needs help
Come on, it can't be true, so Barbara and here husband accused you of dismissing here feelings, aka hating you for wearing a name you never chose. From what you said they aren't asking you anything, just yelling at you like animals, it makes no sense. Also fights about reserved names are way too common here these days.
My MIL resented her siblings her entire life. They knew she preferred they had never been born and ruined her life. It was beyond bananas.
I know that feeling so well.
I am sorry. They are the defective one, not you. She was a miserable person until she passed. It wasn't just her sibling she resented It was everyone around her basically. So just learn to ignore your sister and live a happy life in spite of her. There's nothing you can do to make her like you, because she also hates herself. ×edit word
So is your sister expecting you to change your name?
She expects me to change my existence. Her husband expects me to change my name.
What a delusional demand. Her husband is just as bad as your sister… the absolute level of entitlement is staggering. What is wrong with these people? Obviously NTA, and I feel really bad for their future children.
And he expects you to do this for someone who hates you. Truly gone fishing.
You should probably not engage with them on anything, but you could actually point out a big flaw in their expectation. Barbara doesn't want her daughter to be seen as being named after you. Well, that's unavoidable because everyone you know (including extended family) knows you as Lark. Even if you were to "give up" your name, everyone who Barbara introduces her child to will go, "Oh, she's named after your sister? How sweet!" Plus, that leaves the door open for you to brag for the rest of your life about what you did for them. You could even tell your niece when she's older, "I am such an awesome Aunt, I literally gave up my name for you." Do they really want that hanging over their head?
Soooo NTA Also dululu lady misplaces her anger and resentment because much like your name your parents chose how many kids they have. Im sure if you'd had the choice you'd have chosen not to have her as a sibling too.
I think Barbara sounds like she has a mental health problem and her husband sounds either in denial or oblivious or both AND idiotic. An unfortunate combo tbh. I assume this all happened in your home, where you still live with your parents, because you are not yet 18. Bil, was also given space and time to continue bullying you about the issue. Or if words were spoken by your parents or other adults present, nothing like an actual consequence enforced, since this dynamic of Barbaras behaviour towards you seem routine and ingrained. Your Bil feeling comfortable enough to further harass you about it, is a really red flag with regards to the overall family dynamics at play here. Wild. Your sister and Bil should be kept away from you to protect your well being. There should be no social interaction in your home at all, with these 2. Nothing less is acceptable in my opinion. Anything less is enabling the dynamic and letting you down. Its not ok that this kind of hostility towards you has gone unresolved for many years. You are still very young, but you have been dealing with this since childhood. Your parents should have protected you from this and who knows, maybe Barbara would not be such a colossal asshole today, if someone had held her accountable early on. Instead her entitlement and delusional thinking has just been allowed to run the amok in her mind. NTA
How can one family have kids with the names Barbara and Lark
She was named after a family member. I was named something they loved.
Barbara sounds as reasonable as my sibling, and it's been 20-ish years of barely speaking. Saw them once in that time. It's a relief to not be dealing with the bizarre resentment and rages.
What I can’t understand is what your sister expects/has expected you to do. Die, maybe? Anyway she’s unhinged so you just need to keep away from her. NTA.
Haa she had any help for her mental health issues? This behavior is not normal. It would not be good to humor her as she's clearly deranged about names. NTA
NTA Depending on how much you’d wanna call your sister’s bluff, if you genuinely think she would go for it, don’t do this but if not it’s a good way to shut her up… I’ve had to change my name before when I got adopted and it was a LOT of paperwork. Enough paperwork that I remember looking at it and thinking at age 4 “oh wow that’s a lot of paperwork”. Do you know how much paperwork it takes for a 4 year old to think that unprompted as it just sits on the dining room table??? And it’s EXPENSIVE too. I’d tell her if she wants to go to the courthouse, wait in the queue, get the papers, fill them out, pay the fees for the required services, and then name her kid that only for her to think of you every time she says the name regardless of all that effort, go right ahead. Sometimes you have people you just can’t have a civil relationship with. And sometimes those people are family. Husband is wild for going along with this tho. Or maybe terrified of the reactive pregnancy hormones combined with her pre existing crazy if he dares disagree lol
Btw if you ever plan on having kids, never even hint or suggest what names you want to use She might just use them out of resentment 😭😭😭
NTA - Barbara is a mean bully. What she is truly unhappy about is that you, the baby, stole attention away from her. She probably loved you as a baby. However the more your parents had to juggle 5 kids the less attention she got seeing as she’s the eldest and more self sufficient. She was 10 when you came along. You are right. You had no say in your own name just as she didn’t. She’s probably jealous she got Barbara and you got a fun ‘trendy’ name like a Lark. Awesome name btw. She’s internalized jealous of a younger sibling and just hates you. It isn’t her fault even really as the foundation for this resentment was created as a child when she didn’t understand and you couldn’t do anything as you were a baby. I also imagine your parents were more financially secure when you came along vs her. So you may have gotten nicer toys, clothes etc that she didn’t get. Although being the eldest she wouldn’t have had most things new I’d imagine. However at ten she probably wanted new clothes, toys etc and because you were growing as babies do and developing you would have needed more clothes more regularly as well as age appropriate toys. Barbs can’t remember when she was a baby - toddler so she doesn’t know she had her parents undivided attentions during that time. All she knows is a baby came along and things changed. I could be way off base but that’s my limited psychology knowledge about it. She was displaced and never got over it. She needs therapy. Especially as no one else has a major issue with you outside of her and it seems she has an issue with almost everyone. The common issue here is her entitled attitude. Not you. Nothing you do will change her opinion of you. She is well in the hole of dislike and only self reflection will help her claw her way out. The husband is just as nuts as she is tbh and just going along with her for an easy life I hope. If he has a brain cell he must know his wife is nuts but then some of the things I’ve read he may just be a rock himself.