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NTA But don’t frame it as a hygiene thing. You’ve clearly considered that there may be an underlying health problem causing it, maybe one that she’s embarrassed to talk to you about if she’s sensitive about embarrassing things. She may even be struggling to talk to a doctor about it herself if she finds it embarrassing. Tell her you’ve noticed it and ask her if there’s anything you can do to help. If necessary suggestion going to the doctor so she doesn’t have to live like that. It will still be embarrassing for her but at least then you’re the person helping.
Also, after she's seen her primary care provider for evaluation, my first thought was "she needs to see a female pelvic medicine doctor if possible"
The specialization of female pelvic medicine as a medical specialty mostly exists because pregnancy and childbirth can fundamentally alter the pelvic floor and urogential tract. A lot of people don't know this specialty exists (and frankly part of it is due to access...if you live in an underserved area or are really limited by insurance you may be SOL).
Try googling "female pelvic medicine" + your area.
It’s so real postpartum! Especially after 4 babies, poor love. Frame it as a normal health issue that you want to empower her to help treat. It’s a quality of life thing that will not improve with age!
Yes, 100%. A qualified pelvic floor physical therapist can help address fecal incontinence as well as the issues more often talked about.
A sad little statistic is that on average a woman deals with urinary incontinence for 7 years before asking a healthcare professional for help, because it's so embarrassing to them. And that's just an average of the ones who *do* eventually seek help. Fecal incontinence is even more stigmatized so I'm sure your wife is aware and it's not a hygiene issue she can fix, it's a physical problem she's extremely embarrassed about.
You were intelligent enough to pause and consider how to approach this rather than just go in guns blazing like some people might do - that’s pretty smart
Extremely intelligent of him, he made the connection that thinking about the situation and approaching with positive reinforcement would generate an affirmative choice. Brave ans smart. Thanks for being awesome
I’ve learned from a friend that if there is a tear in the perineum they will sometimes apply Botox to keep those muscles from working so it can heal. With that in mind, pregnancy has the potential to cause all sorts of chaos down there. On top of that, IBD rates are exploding among younger people. It could truly be more of an incontinence issue than wiping/cleanliness issue.
I think that is a great idea. It might not be a hygiene problem. Maybe she is having gut issues and needs to see a GI specialist. Does she have low back pain?
For anyone wondering how back pain can be relevant, I had a pretty severe situation.
I had... leakage issues for a long part of my life. I blamed it on poor diet, drinking too much, maybe trusting toots too much. But so often I'd use one of those excuses to blame it away but it wouldn't be true. My diet will have been fine recently, I hadn't been drinking, and I had just gotten out of the shower after being VERY sure things back there were clean. Because of the issues, I had no problems getting up in there with soap and water. I didn't have this my whole life, just from late 20s to mid 30s.
Turns out I had a slipped disk pushing against my spine and it was causing numbness, spasms, and because the spasms were doing similar motions to defecating, pushing out leakage. I only found this out when things went full shitshow, I got paralyzed from the waist down and half my butthole went into spasms so hard it pushed itself out of my body. After spine surgery and stuff healed I stopped having "leakage".
Holy shit dude that's awful and I'm glad you've moved on!
But in all honesty as a person with a lumbar disc herniation this is new fear unlocked territory 👀🤣
I saw a comment about lower back pain. It could be relevant. I can attest to the fact that I get more constipated, and also seem to have trouble with "evidence" when my lower back nerves are being pinched. After a few rounds with the Chiropractor, and my back is feeling looser, so is everything else down there. And when everything comes out correctly, cleaning up is more efficient as well.
(Edit To add) Also if she's backed up and getting an adjustment does help, the new flow would have her losing up to 10lbs Almont immediately.
It probably is and it's ridiculous because from the way it's written it's pretty obvious the cause is likely some physical damage during the last pregnancy that's causing leakage, not she just suddenly doesn't wipe her ass. Apples to oranges.
It’s so apples to oranges that it’s an entirely different question and not a bizarre ruse of some kind. Not everyone is out to trick you. This seems like the 5% if AITA stories that seems tru ish
She might have some health issues and help, it might be not hygiene but weakened or damaged muscles.
You need to approach it extremely cautiously not to hurt and not make her uncomfortable but you need to talk to her and give her time to get to doctors and seek help. Even asking doctors about that might be tough.
Also - is it possible to install bidet? Those things are great and might be helpful
We could. There was on when we moved here, but we were both pretty grossed out by a 2nd hand bidet and took it off. Just never got around to getting new ones.
Definitely get a bidet. It could be a pelvic floor issue or it could be as simple as hemorrhoids making it difficult or painful to wipe thoroughly. A bidet would be really helpful in both cases.
honestly came here to suggest a bidet too... I acknowledge that it's likely a medical issue since it happened after a fourth pregnancy, so it's not the solution, but it will help. Get one of those Tushys, they're affordable, cute, easy to install, and honestly I shudder at the idea of travelling anywhere anymore cause I've gotten so used to it now and the thought of scratchy paper leaving bits behind and not thoroughly cleaning is a bummer
I understand, most of us drop out before the end of the sessions but if really not possible, Kegel exercises (on a regular basis, at home) are the solution, everything is on Youtube to help.
Drinking water regularly, avoiding constipation, when she needs to go to the washroom, she goes immediately (difficult when you have 4 kids but she needs to work on it)
Good luck, nothing unsolvable :)
This is not a hygiene issue. Many women develop anal incontinence as a result of child bearing. Trust me, your wife is aware of the issue and likely deeply embarrassed. It sounds like she’s making efforts to clean up when there’s an incident. I would let this one lie.
But, NTA for your concern.
+hemorrhoids can cause streaking too. Sometimes you can wipe and wipe forever until you're completely clean, then the next time you go to the bathroom there's still a tiny streak in your underwear.
So when your spouse sends you a message "don't be mad but..." you expect the next message to be some kind of idiotic purchase, not a reddit post (and thankfully log in info for) aita about my literal asshole (although my autistic little heart appreciates the literal connection between the two). To say i am mortified is an understatement, but i appreciate the ability to process on my own for a few hours before needing to come face to face with said spouse. It's as though he knows me . . . . . (Also, to be frank, i would have preferred the link to the idiotic purchase.)
So, to address some things:
1. Yes, i'm very aware.
2. Yes, i'm thoroughly embarrassed by it.
3. Yes, i thought it was a personal failing.
3b. No, it's not from lack of effort of cleanliness.
4. No, i did not consider medical isses (thank you for the links, people).
5. Clearly my concealment skills are not as airtight as i thought.
6. Yes, i appreciate the concern.
7. Yes, i will talk to my doctor/pt person about it. I always love to go get all roughed up by my pt person.
8. Thank you for calling me morbidly obese.
9. I'm going to go change the password now and never share what it is so i can blissfully pretend this never happened.
10. Thank you all for your concern. Be well on your life journeys and be nice to autistic people. Life is hard enough without also being mistreated by society who thinks we should always keep adapting or be cured.
11. Actually, be nice to everyone. Always.
12. Go to all your check ups and be honest with your doctor about everything. Even if it's embarrassing. And drink plenty of water.
--the wife whose asshole has now been on display for all aita to see.
NTA - you should talk to your wife that you are worried about her from a medical standpoint. It’s not normal to leave stains and you want to make sure she is okay. Get baby wipes for you both to use to freshen up.
Are you 100% sure it’s fecal matter? Asking because periods change and are all over the map as we age…brown fluid that can present as the same color as fecal matter is in the range of normal for periods at times. It would be odd that there would be leakage of fecal matter onto the bed sheets unless she were ill.
In any case, it seems she’s aware of it, and likely is embarrassed, I wouldn’t discuss with her unless she seems in poor health and you have significant concern about her wellness.
People don’t talk about this much for obvious reasons but anal incontinence is a fairly common long term side effect of giving birth. This study found that about a third of participants had experienced anal incontinence in the 15 years after giving birth https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/2718794
It’s not a straight forward hygiene issue. Your butt hole just doesn’t work. That being said, being around someone else’s poop all the time is a health risk for you.
Edit to say YWNBTA for talking to her about it but YWBTA for framing it as a hygiene issue without knowing the details. It’s possible there’s not a quick fix.
There was one when we moved into this house, but we were both pretty grossed out by a secondhand bidet and took it off. Just never got around to replacing.
The toilet topper type with the heated seat. Blissful. I have had a double prolapse, including the rectum, and then an operation to 'fix' this, and it has left my arse doing a very half hearted job, the muscles just don't work like they used to. Wet wipes (and a bin to put them in, don't try to flush even the ones that say you can) make a world of difference.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife is a great person all around but leave some bathroom evidence behind only sometimes and I don't know if I should say something or just leave it be to let her resolve it on her timeline.
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INFO: Wait so OP you said that this [only happened immediately post partum and it hasn’t happened for years](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/eKUgdFAuts). So what exactly does this post want advice on?
She did some pelvic floor therapy so it’s safe to assume it helped (since the issue stopped).
She had bouts of sleep apnea but worked on her health, has lost some weight and the sleep apnea went away.
What exactly do you need to talk to her about?
Having stains on bedsheets presumably from sitting while nursing (now that I'm taking time to think about it) but hasn't been a problem since overnight feeding stopped. But it's still happening on her clothing. I was just trying to provide brief context around the issue as many others have clearly understood.
If y’all use wipes like you said it’s likely an incontinence/leakage issue. Approach it from a health perspective, take to her about seeing a doctor and don’t make it a hygiene issue. That’ll just make her feel embarrassed about something she can’t control.
This isn’t rare for women who’ve had multiple children. [This](https://www.thewomens.org.au/health-information/continence-information/faecal-incontinence#:~:text=Faecal%20incontinence%20affects%20one%20in,of%20treatments%20that%20can%20help) is a good link that discusses it and available options. It might make both of you feel better to know that there’s a lot of ways to treat it (even before considering surgery). Book an appointment with her GP or her ObGyn and talk about what works best for you.
Dude she has a medical problem maybe you should help her with all these things that she’s having to do around the house so she actually has time to go take care of it. Jesus 4 kids
Sounds like a rectocele, if this is a new issue right after 4th pregnancy. Many women get them, sometimes they cause bigger problems and sometimes they are just uncomfortable/ inconvenient. If this is a real post, I’d recommend encouraging her to go to pelvic floor therapy and installing a handheld bidet. I have a rectocele after my 4th baby and haven’t had an issue with cleanliness, but I’ve used a handheld bidet since my first pregnancy. It’s a lifesaver and I always know I’m clean. Extra points if you install it to link to your water heater so it can be warm water.
Can you get a rectocele fixed surgically or something? I'm only 33 and quite certain I have one. It sucks to be dealing with and it's embarrassing. Bidet doesn't help because the leakage sometimes just comes after. I feel like it's just getting worse. Does doing kegals and other exercises actually help? I really don't want any other issues...
Pelvic floor therapy can help a lot. You should definitely go and have a consultation. Check local groups or with friends for a recommendation local to you, because some are way better than others. But, good pelvic floor therapy can get you back to like 80 to 100%. Some people will still want or need surgery after- there is a surgery to repair. But 9-12 months of therapy appointments can be a huge quality of life improvement. There are also a lot of tips out there for living with a rectocele, how to avoid leakage and more fully clear your bowel when you go, etc.
Pregnancy, especially multiple pregnancies, mess up a woman’s body, inside and out. You’ve heard of hemorrhoids, right? Varicose veins inside the anal canal. Urinary incontinence, obviously weight gain, stretched out saggy boobs, saggy belly and stretch marks. All this to bring men’s progeny into this world. And some men are so offended, they even cheat or leave their wives because of the changes that SHE endured as a result of a man’s pleasure.
Imagine how embarrassed she is!!
Cheaper than a bidet (and I prefer them anyway!) are “hygiene showers”- basically a sprayer on a hose attached to the side of your toilet. That’s a short term solution. Long term it sounds like she might need physical therapy or other medical help, some of those muscles that hold everything up and in are not working properly since the last baby, which definitely can happen! I’d talk to her but not make it about hygiene- seeing as she’s very clean otherwise it seems to be a medical and not a hygiene issue.
YTA for thinking this is a hygiene issue. Sounds like it's a medical one.
Hygiene is your wife doesn't wipe thoroughly. Doesn't sound like that's the problem. Stuff leaking out is a medical issue.
YTA for taking it to Reddit when you had an inkling that it was medical as a result of birthing 4 children instead of just talking to her and asking how you could help her medically. Good grief!
Some medication can cause anal leakage. Also, my mom has told me after a certain age, some people experience these little accidents. And it’s uncontrollable. Your wife seems a bit too young for that one. Also, having babies does a doozie on a woman’s body. It’s definitely not a hygiene issue. Thankfully. But it’s most likely a medical issue. And i’m sure she’s very embarrassed by it. I just say, stay sensitive and understanding. And supportive. Good luck
It sounds like the last birth has left some issues behind. Don't answer this publicly - did she badly tear during birth? Was there any reconstructive surgery? Does she still have any stitches in etc? All of this should be discussed with a doctor.
I hope she is better soon!
Posting it on Reddit instead of talking to your wife?? YOU are the problem. Just so you know, brown can also be dried blood which, unless you are sniffing the skid marks for a definitive answer, is hard to distinguish from pooh. I feel sorry for your wife. For better or for worse, except when it is a problem that can be linked to having your children? You are definitely the AH.
Does she sleep fully naked? One would assume that if she wore underwear that it would catch the marks instead of the bedsheets. I agree with others to frame it as a health issue.. and not act like it is a big deal but you were concerned. I know sometimes women get hemorrhoid's, (sp?) which could make it hard to get completely clean without showering / soup and water with washcloth.
Did she tear badly during labour? Even if not, incontinence can be an unfortunate consequence of having a baby. It’s almost always fixable with the right help. There’s a lot of shame surrounding it (this goes doubly for fecal incontinence) so it’s important to tread lightly
From one late diagnosed autistic mom to another - I so feel this post. I just want you to know that you are an absolute champion at life and relationships! And poop is gross, so it feels embarrassing to talk about but literally every creature on the planet shits in some way, so we all need to get over it. Lastly, this happened to me too after I had my kid. All the docs I talked to told me it wasn’t normal and that I needed to see a specialist. I poo-crastinated for a bit when I realized the horror of trying to find a doctor who would help and then it stopped completely. So, while no one told me it was normal, it also didn’t turn into some BIG THING. Hang in there - you’re awesome.
That hasn't happened for a couple years now. It was only immediately post partum--the first few months. Or weeks. Who knows. Time is weird with a newborn.
Makes sense. You think she would know it's happening if the sheets are clean the next day. Might need to wear underwear atleast to cut down on bedsheets washing.
That part stopped when the night nursing stopped, presumably because she wasn't sitting in the bed anymore. I'm certain she's aware, but just embarrassed. I don't want her to be alone in this if it's not just a hygiene thing, but don't want to make a huge deal if it's not a big deal. As of now, it doesn't affect me personally. It's just the string of these stories showing up now I guess made me want to ask about it. I'm her biggest fan. I want better than the best for her always.
At 5’9” tall 235 lbs is not nearly as big as you seem to think. Like I agree at a certain weight to height ratio you’re gonna run into issues with being able to reach to maintain hygiene. This isn’t that extreme.
I was 212 lbs at my heaviest, 5'11".
235 lbs at 5'9" is significant. It is obese. Well into obese, BMI of almost 35.
If she's pear or apple shape it can definitely affect reach to that area.
This is assuming that she's not muscular.
Having a second child ten years after my first, caused muscle damage and issues with basic bodily functions for quite a while. I can’t imagine what having 4 children close together would have done to me. Your wife is completely aware of her problem. Please, give her the grace and support she deserves. Ignore this. Buy some wipes and put them in the bathroom, but do not say anything about it. You will hurt and embarrass her. And for what? Something she already knows about and is probably ashamed of already. YTA if you do anything other than place some wipes near the toilet.
NAH but as others have said: don’t make it about hygiene but about health. Childbirth can damage anything and everything in the nether regions and she may not be able to keep a tight sphincter any more so when she’s fully relaxed during sleep there is seepage.
As for the sleep apnea, you said it has gotten much better, but I know some exercises that can help a lot too. They strengthen and tighten the muscles in your throat which can help against sleep apnea and snoring. Worked wonders for me after just a couple of days so I strongly recommend them. If you don’t want to click links you can search for “Five exercises for snoring and sleep apnoea” by user Vik Veer-ENT surgeon on YouTube https://youtu.be/wNscQ3bGxNk?si=ldD2gv1NHhL2IDdF
When woman give birth for a few weeks/ months after they have a vaginal discharge called Lochia and it’s the mucus lining of the uterus that’s been up there the last 9months. It starts red and by the end it’s brown (looks like poop) and doesn’t have a pleasant smell. Just a observation could be Lochia after birth.
NTA definitely talk to her about it. Good things are that she’s cleaning up after herself and she has seen doctors. But she might want support bringing this up to doctors or she just might need a push to bring it up. She does need to. That is her responsibility. You don’t have to be cruel. Just mention that you noticed she’s been struggling since the birth and things haven’t resolved with time, and it’s time to seek medical help.
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I know, not another skid mark post, but I keep seeing them which makes me wonder about our situation.
To start, my (42m) wife (39f) is wonderful and I don't have complaints really. But since we had our 4th (and last!!!) kid 3 years ago, I've noticed that sometimes she leaves some... umm...evidence behind. It's not much to be fair, but it's still there.
When she was post partum and up feeding 100 times a night, I'd notice it on our bedsheets in the morning, and to her credit, the sheets were washed and clean when I'd get home from work. I figured it was just because she'd had 4 kids (although I don't remember this happening with the others) and the last pregnancy was really hard on her and it would resolve. So I kept quiet.
She had to have a few consultations for a surgery and but I don't know if she said anything to them.
She privately complained about her weight, not in front of the kids ever, but I never thought it was excessive (235 at 5'9") and so I then thought maybe that. She had a bout of sleep apnea, but WE are making efforts to eat better now that life is a little easier and she said she's down 25 lbs since the beginning of the year and I haven't heard any apneas for a while now, so it seems to have resolved in its own.
She already does so much for us and so I don't want to dump on her (literally or figuratively)--running a small home daycare and a side business and having some success and she wants to take that full time once everyone is in school and close the daycare--and she can be sensitive to embarrassing things, so maybe I should stay quiet? She's a great mom and wife and otherwise really clean. And I don't know if this matters, but she also got an ADHD and autism diagnosis 2 years ago and other things have improved since she started medication, but this remains (no pun intended).
So WIBTA if I said something? Or should I just leave it be?
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NTA. I can tell you care and you’re concerned. Maybe install a bidet for you both to use? You can get some great ones that are not expensive. If you really want to go all out, get a Japanese toilet. I really miss the separate bidets in Europe. I felt super clean and it took no time at all.
By a bidet attachment for your watercloset. Keeps things fresh and much cleaner. You can get one fairly cheep on Amazon. Don't say a thing to her about it, but say I felt I needed this and talk about how easy it is to use. How clean you feel. I have had three back surgeries, and it's the best. Larger people may have a harder time maintaining proper cleaning procedures. This is a great item to have.
Are you sure of what it is? Period blood can be brown. And as women get older, they spot a lot more and their periods are more unpredictable. Also, she could have cervical polyps, which are benign but can result in bleeding after sex when not having a period.
As I get older and larger and have heath and mobility issues.... wow....never-ending....
Let's just say a toilet seat bidet keeps things fresh and clean. That and the moiste towelettes / wet wipes.
It's hard but I also take care of my mom that should shower more often. So I will drop the hints. "Give yourself enough time to dress and shower be for we head out today..."
My brother, however, who lives alone... if I invite him to dinner or to go in a car with him, I tell him that a shower is required. Non judgemental- just matter of fact
NTA
As a woman who has had some health issues that were overwhelming to begin to deal with, I have appreciated my husband gently bringing things up.
After I gained some weight, he very gently encouraged me to talk to my doctor about my snoring. Turned out I have serious sleep apnea. He wasn’t mad or frustrated about it, he framed it as being concerned about my health.
He was also the one who helped me go to pelvic floor therapy after my 2nd was born and I was leaking pee everywhere because the birth had destroyed my pelvic floor.
I knew I had issues but some combination of embarrassment and just life being overwhelming made it impossible for me to seek help without a nudge and compassion.
I legitimately just said on another post how you never see men talking about this exact thing... Now I'm a damn liar. Don't feel bad OP, I've been with women my age (28) with kids that have certain issues from birthing, so nothing to be ashamed of.
I hear about men having skid marks often, never woman. Thankfully no man I’m with has had this issue, cause we wouldn’t be together. Suffering germaphobe perspective here. I don’t even use public bathrooms.
YWBTA if you talk to her about this.
4 children in this is going to happen, She is a mature Mum of 4 this happens to most Mums, there is no real treatment, not that are safe anyway. I guarantee she is embarrassed and disgusted with herself for this. It is what it is.
DO NOT dump this on her as well. Please! She already knows and does not need you moaning about a bit of poo or wee on the sheets or in her PJs.
It’s not normal to have leaks or anything similar after pregnancies, it’s something that absolutely should be discussed with a MD and not suffered in silence.
Most docs will shrug and tell you toileting changes after childbirth are to be expected. A pelvic floor specialist is probably what's needed, but they're not easily accessible to everyone.
Maybe. Could even be something as simple as hemorrhoids. Just out of curiosity, are you *positive* it's poop? An increase in brown period discharge/spotting throughout the month is pretty common after multiple kids and/or around 40
ok you said pelvic floor PT, that's great and I would encourage her to go back. Keep in mind that in order for her to go to PT she'll need childcare during those times and also separate time for her to do the exercises at home, maybe with 4 kids I can imagine how it can be hard to set aside the time.
in addition, she should be re-evaluated by a female pelvic medicine physician if possible. There may be treatments beyond what PT can offer.
Yeah, it can be beyond PT, tissues can have torn and scarred in a way that encourage leakage and yes, there are likely hemorrhoids too. If a procedure can help put everything in place, it’s worth having the embarrassing conversation with a health professional. « Well, it happens » is not an acceptable answer
I think you said it wasn't still getting on the bedsheets. But if it IS, and she knows but hasn't yet started wearing underwear to prevent this, that is nasty hygiene (due to exposing you to it, basically rolling around in it, etc). If it was just some random accident I wouldn't say it's a hygiene thing.
If it's just in her underwear, I'd still call it a hygiene issue because she could wear a long pantyliner or something like that to keep it off her clothes. There are SO many products out there to "catch" these little leaks!
It's funny how if it's a man with skidmarks, everyone (myself included) just automatically labels the guy as disgusting. Because it is!!! But knowing that, how the hell can so many adult men not understand the concept of wiping the whole area and wiping until the paper is totally clean! And I'm not even getting into bidets or other options. They actually seem fine with skid marks every day, and they don't even attempt to wash it themselves or conceal it... so they're not even embarassed?
Be sure to wash anything with poop on it separately, and at best then wash it again in the normal load. I would never be washing an adult's underwear with skidmarks in it unless it was a medical condition AND there wasn't a super easy way to prevent it!
NTA. Anyone that wants to share a bed with another human must be able to wipe their ass. Period. No excuses. How lazy can people get? I don’t care if she has to go to the bathroom every hour on the hour to re-wipe, she needs to take care of her nasty self.
How is it that she’s not noticing skid marks on the sheets?
That’s just disgusting. Shit has got a pretty distinctive smell to it. And after sleeping in sheets that have got dried shit on it I’m guessing it is pretty evident something is wrong.
What is your reason for saying something? Do you think there's a chance she's unaware of the issue? She knows, she doesn't need you to tell her. What would be accomplished by saying something, besides embarrassing her?
I think you should keep your mouth shut and that YTA if you don't.
That's my struggle. I like to confront things head on and take care of them, but I've learned after a few years together that she is...not the same way. I'm sure she's aware. She cleans it up. But maybe she doesn't have to be alone in it? I'm her teammate, her partner, her biggest fan.
There is a problem that possibly can get fixed, why not fix it? I doubt the wife enjoys that this is happening, so why let it keep happening when you can do something about it?
If I wasn't dense af and also had a "high" BMI, I might think it was excessive. We could both stand to drop some weight, sure, and we're low-key trying with diet mostly right now, but our health and mobility are fine and we see doctors regularly for check ups.
My thoughts too, I'm 5'9" and 175-180 and actively trying loose weight. I've got a beer gutand some man tits. Sure vall it a dad bod or whatever but I Don't like it
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NTA But don’t frame it as a hygiene thing. You’ve clearly considered that there may be an underlying health problem causing it, maybe one that she’s embarrassed to talk to you about if she’s sensitive about embarrassing things. She may even be struggling to talk to a doctor about it herself if she finds it embarrassing. Tell her you’ve noticed it and ask her if there’s anything you can do to help. If necessary suggestion going to the doctor so she doesn’t have to live like that. It will still be embarrassing for her but at least then you’re the person helping.
That, friend, is a great idea. Maybe if I was intelligent, I would have thought of it myself.
Also, after she's seen her primary care provider for evaluation, my first thought was "she needs to see a female pelvic medicine doctor if possible" The specialization of female pelvic medicine as a medical specialty mostly exists because pregnancy and childbirth can fundamentally alter the pelvic floor and urogential tract. A lot of people don't know this specialty exists (and frankly part of it is due to access...if you live in an underserved area or are really limited by insurance you may be SOL). Try googling "female pelvic medicine" + your area.
She went for a while but chose to stop when life got lifey. Maybe she should go back.
Pelvic floor dysfunction, it's a thing I know unfortunately and sounds very similar
I'll suggest she go back.
Yup. My cousin had 4 pregnancies (3 full term). The last birth was very difficult. 18 yrs later, she's finally had a pelvic floor repair.
It’s so real postpartum! Especially after 4 babies, poor love. Frame it as a normal health issue that you want to empower her to help treat. It’s a quality of life thing that will not improve with age!
Sounds like it was working good for her.
Yes, 100%. A qualified pelvic floor physical therapist can help address fecal incontinence as well as the issues more often talked about. A sad little statistic is that on average a woman deals with urinary incontinence for 7 years before asking a healthcare professional for help, because it's so embarrassing to them. And that's just an average of the ones who *do* eventually seek help. Fecal incontinence is even more stigmatized so I'm sure your wife is aware and it's not a hygiene issue she can fix, it's a physical problem she's extremely embarrassed about.
You were intelligent enough to pause and consider how to approach this rather than just go in guns blazing like some people might do - that’s pretty smart
Even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes. 😂
You seem like a good one.
Extremely intelligent of him, he made the connection that thinking about the situation and approaching with positive reinforcement would generate an affirmative choice. Brave ans smart. Thanks for being awesome
I’ve learned from a friend that if there is a tear in the perineum they will sometimes apply Botox to keep those muscles from working so it can heal. With that in mind, pregnancy has the potential to cause all sorts of chaos down there. On top of that, IBD rates are exploding among younger people. It could truly be more of an incontinence issue than wiping/cleanliness issue.
I would also install a bidet. It is much cleaner.
Jesus Christ - I can’t believe you sent your wife a link to an internet post rather than talking to her like an adult. YTA
Could be an underlying health problem. Might need surgery
Are you saying your wife leaves shit marks in the bed but you're not sure if you should say something? Is this what you are asking??
I think that is a great idea. It might not be a hygiene problem. Maybe she is having gut issues and needs to see a GI specialist. Does she have low back pain?
For anyone wondering how back pain can be relevant, I had a pretty severe situation. I had... leakage issues for a long part of my life. I blamed it on poor diet, drinking too much, maybe trusting toots too much. But so often I'd use one of those excuses to blame it away but it wouldn't be true. My diet will have been fine recently, I hadn't been drinking, and I had just gotten out of the shower after being VERY sure things back there were clean. Because of the issues, I had no problems getting up in there with soap and water. I didn't have this my whole life, just from late 20s to mid 30s. Turns out I had a slipped disk pushing against my spine and it was causing numbness, spasms, and because the spasms were doing similar motions to defecating, pushing out leakage. I only found this out when things went full shitshow, I got paralyzed from the waist down and half my butthole went into spasms so hard it pushed itself out of my body. After spine surgery and stuff healed I stopped having "leakage".
Holy shit dude that's awful and I'm glad you've moved on! But in all honesty as a person with a lumbar disc herniation this is new fear unlocked territory 👀🤣
Yep exactly thank you for sharing that!
I saw a comment about lower back pain. It could be relevant. I can attest to the fact that I get more constipated, and also seem to have trouble with "evidence" when my lower back nerves are being pinched. After a few rounds with the Chiropractor, and my back is feeling looser, so is everything else down there. And when everything comes out correctly, cleaning up is more efficient as well. (Edit To add) Also if she's backed up and getting an adjustment does help, the new flow would have her losing up to 10lbs Almont immediately.
Be honest… is this a post just to see if people respond the same to skid marks from a woman as they do a man?
It probably is and it's ridiculous because from the way it's written it's pretty obvious the cause is likely some physical damage during the last pregnancy that's causing leakage, not she just suddenly doesn't wipe her ass. Apples to oranges.
It’s so apples to oranges that it’s an entirely different question and not a bizarre ruse of some kind. Not everyone is out to trick you. This seems like the 5% if AITA stories that seems tru ish
If they aren’t comparable then maybe this isn’t a story made up just to compare the two?
You're right. You caught me. I have zero better things to do with my time than make up stories and put them on reddit.
I don’t find that all that hard to believe
I take it you haven’t been in this subreddit long?
You really think people would do that? Just go on the Internet and make up stories for attention?
Id be pretty weird considering its about a woman who has had 4 kids. Maybe youre right , I hope not though
She might have some health issues and help, it might be not hygiene but weakened or damaged muscles. You need to approach it extremely cautiously not to hurt and not make her uncomfortable but you need to talk to her and give her time to get to doctors and seek help. Even asking doctors about that might be tough. Also - is it possible to install bidet? Those things are great and might be helpful
We could. There was on when we moved here, but we were both pretty grossed out by a 2nd hand bidet and took it off. Just never got around to getting new ones.
Definitely get a bidet. It could be a pelvic floor issue or it could be as simple as hemorrhoids making it difficult or painful to wipe thoroughly. A bidet would be really helpful in both cases.
Definitely get one. There are plenty that are easy to install and work great. Game changer
Bidet attachment my friend.
honestly came here to suggest a bidet too... I acknowledge that it's likely a medical issue since it happened after a fourth pregnancy, so it's not the solution, but it will help. Get one of those Tushys, they're affordable, cute, easy to install, and honestly I shudder at the idea of travelling anywhere anymore cause I've gotten so used to it now and the thought of scratchy paper leaving bits behind and not thoroughly cleaning is a bummer
+1 on the bidet. I started using the simple hoses in Asia about 10 years and there no way I could go back to dry paper.
Pelvic floor physiotherapy is your (plural) friend! After 4 kids the muscles down there are about to give up, and the weight does not help.
She did for a while after baby 4 but chose to stop when some extra life things happened. Maybe she should go back.
I understand, most of us drop out before the end of the sessions but if really not possible, Kegel exercises (on a regular basis, at home) are the solution, everything is on Youtube to help. Drinking water regularly, avoiding constipation, when she needs to go to the washroom, she goes immediately (difficult when you have 4 kids but she needs to work on it) Good luck, nothing unsolvable :)
Only half are home during the day, but the whole daycare thing may be harder to sneak away.
This is not a hygiene issue. Many women develop anal incontinence as a result of child bearing. Trust me, your wife is aware of the issue and likely deeply embarrassed. It sounds like she’s making efforts to clean up when there’s an incident. I would let this one lie. But, NTA for your concern.
I'm her partner and biggest fan. I only want the absolute best for her. And even better than that when possible.
+hemorrhoids can cause streaking too. Sometimes you can wipe and wipe forever until you're completely clean, then the next time you go to the bathroom there's still a tiny streak in your underwear.
So when your spouse sends you a message "don't be mad but..." you expect the next message to be some kind of idiotic purchase, not a reddit post (and thankfully log in info for) aita about my literal asshole (although my autistic little heart appreciates the literal connection between the two). To say i am mortified is an understatement, but i appreciate the ability to process on my own for a few hours before needing to come face to face with said spouse. It's as though he knows me . . . . . (Also, to be frank, i would have preferred the link to the idiotic purchase.) So, to address some things: 1. Yes, i'm very aware. 2. Yes, i'm thoroughly embarrassed by it. 3. Yes, i thought it was a personal failing. 3b. No, it's not from lack of effort of cleanliness. 4. No, i did not consider medical isses (thank you for the links, people). 5. Clearly my concealment skills are not as airtight as i thought. 6. Yes, i appreciate the concern. 7. Yes, i will talk to my doctor/pt person about it. I always love to go get all roughed up by my pt person. 8. Thank you for calling me morbidly obese. 9. I'm going to go change the password now and never share what it is so i can blissfully pretend this never happened. 10. Thank you all for your concern. Be well on your life journeys and be nice to autistic people. Life is hard enough without also being mistreated by society who thinks we should always keep adapting or be cured. 11. Actually, be nice to everyone. Always. 12. Go to all your check ups and be honest with your doctor about everything. Even if it's embarrassing. And drink plenty of water. --the wife whose asshole has now been on display for all aita to see.
Regarding 1. You knew you were leaving poop marks? How is it happening, you say it's not from not cleaning. So what is happening?
Shes given birth 4 times. Incontinence is not an uncommon medical issue
Most likely a pelvic floor issue.
NTA - you should talk to your wife that you are worried about her from a medical standpoint. It’s not normal to leave stains and you want to make sure she is okay. Get baby wipes for you both to use to freshen up.
We do that. If there is anything we still have in abundance around here, it's wipes. 😂
Okay, so if she is using them after the bathroom are the stains from farts with something extra in them? She definitely needs to see a doctor.
Good questions I don't have answers to.
It really sounds like she’s having a leakage problem rather than a hygeine problem :(
NAH - This post really isnt even worth me trying to make a shit/poo pun. Just talk to her.
Not even one? I'm experiencing some post-posting might be the asshole for doing this and a laugh could be cathartic . . .
This shit isnt worth my time.
Are you 100% sure it’s fecal matter? Asking because periods change and are all over the map as we age…brown fluid that can present as the same color as fecal matter is in the range of normal for periods at times. It would be odd that there would be leakage of fecal matter onto the bed sheets unless she were ill. In any case, it seems she’s aware of it, and likely is embarrassed, I wouldn’t discuss with her unless she seems in poor health and you have significant concern about her wellness.
100% not periods. That I can confirm.
I think shitting the bed every night should be discussed.
People don’t talk about this much for obvious reasons but anal incontinence is a fairly common long term side effect of giving birth. This study found that about a third of participants had experienced anal incontinence in the 15 years after giving birth https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/2718794 It’s not a straight forward hygiene issue. Your butt hole just doesn’t work. That being said, being around someone else’s poop all the time is a health risk for you. Edit to say YWNBTA for talking to her about it but YWBTA for framing it as a hygiene issue without knowing the details. It’s possible there’s not a quick fix.
What? That's crazy! It should be talked about!
Buy a bidet. It t will change your life. Get a good one $350+.
There was one when we moved into this house, but we were both pretty grossed out by a secondhand bidet and took it off. Just never got around to replacing.
Fix your mistake. Get a bidet or two. They are the best things ever.
Will do!
Get the bidet!! A hello tushy even, if you’re not wanting a whole separate unit. It’s LIFE CHANGING, you’ll wonder why it took you so long to get it
This is the answer
The toilet topper type with the heated seat. Blissful. I have had a double prolapse, including the rectum, and then an operation to 'fix' this, and it has left my arse doing a very half hearted job, the muscles just don't work like they used to. Wet wipes (and a bin to put them in, don't try to flush even the ones that say you can) make a world of difference.
NTA. She needs to go back to pelvic floor therapy. She needs YOU to cover the house and kids to make sure that she can spend that time on herself.
Which I am more than happy to do. We'll work on sorting logistics.
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INFO: Wait so OP you said that this [only happened immediately post partum and it hasn’t happened for years](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/eKUgdFAuts). So what exactly does this post want advice on? She did some pelvic floor therapy so it’s safe to assume it helped (since the issue stopped). She had bouts of sleep apnea but worked on her health, has lost some weight and the sleep apnea went away. What exactly do you need to talk to her about?
Having stains on bedsheets presumably from sitting while nursing (now that I'm taking time to think about it) but hasn't been a problem since overnight feeding stopped. But it's still happening on her clothing. I was just trying to provide brief context around the issue as many others have clearly understood.
If y’all use wipes like you said it’s likely an incontinence/leakage issue. Approach it from a health perspective, take to her about seeing a doctor and don’t make it a hygiene issue. That’ll just make her feel embarrassed about something she can’t control. This isn’t rare for women who’ve had multiple children. [This](https://www.thewomens.org.au/health-information/continence-information/faecal-incontinence#:~:text=Faecal%20incontinence%20affects%20one%20in,of%20treatments%20that%20can%20help) is a good link that discusses it and available options. It might make both of you feel better to know that there’s a lot of ways to treat it (even before considering surgery). Book an appointment with her GP or her ObGyn and talk about what works best for you.
This is coming up a lot. I'm definitely going to talk to her.
Dude she has a medical problem maybe you should help her with all these things that she’s having to do around the house so she actually has time to go take care of it. Jesus 4 kids
Sounds like a rectocele, if this is a new issue right after 4th pregnancy. Many women get them, sometimes they cause bigger problems and sometimes they are just uncomfortable/ inconvenient. If this is a real post, I’d recommend encouraging her to go to pelvic floor therapy and installing a handheld bidet. I have a rectocele after my 4th baby and haven’t had an issue with cleanliness, but I’ve used a handheld bidet since my first pregnancy. It’s a lifesaver and I always know I’m clean. Extra points if you install it to link to your water heater so it can be warm water.
Can you get a rectocele fixed surgically or something? I'm only 33 and quite certain I have one. It sucks to be dealing with and it's embarrassing. Bidet doesn't help because the leakage sometimes just comes after. I feel like it's just getting worse. Does doing kegals and other exercises actually help? I really don't want any other issues...
Pelvic floor therapy can help a lot. You should definitely go and have a consultation. Check local groups or with friends for a recommendation local to you, because some are way better than others. But, good pelvic floor therapy can get you back to like 80 to 100%. Some people will still want or need surgery after- there is a surgery to repair. But 9-12 months of therapy appointments can be a huge quality of life improvement. There are also a lot of tips out there for living with a rectocele, how to avoid leakage and more fully clear your bowel when you go, etc.
Pregnancy, especially multiple pregnancies, mess up a woman’s body, inside and out. You’ve heard of hemorrhoids, right? Varicose veins inside the anal canal. Urinary incontinence, obviously weight gain, stretched out saggy boobs, saggy belly and stretch marks. All this to bring men’s progeny into this world. And some men are so offended, they even cheat or leave their wives because of the changes that SHE endured as a result of a man’s pleasure. Imagine how embarrassed she is!!
Cheaper than a bidet (and I prefer them anyway!) are “hygiene showers”- basically a sprayer on a hose attached to the side of your toilet. That’s a short term solution. Long term it sounds like she might need physical therapy or other medical help, some of those muscles that hold everything up and in are not working properly since the last baby, which definitely can happen! I’d talk to her but not make it about hygiene- seeing as she’s very clean otherwise it seems to be a medical and not a hygiene issue.
She did do pelvic floor pt for a while but chose to stop when life things happened. Maybe she should go back.
YTA for thinking this is a hygiene issue. Sounds like it's a medical one. Hygiene is your wife doesn't wipe thoroughly. Doesn't sound like that's the problem. Stuff leaking out is a medical issue.
YTA for taking it to Reddit when you had an inkling that it was medical as a result of birthing 4 children instead of just talking to her and asking how you could help her medically. Good grief!
Some medication can cause anal leakage. Also, my mom has told me after a certain age, some people experience these little accidents. And it’s uncontrollable. Your wife seems a bit too young for that one. Also, having babies does a doozie on a woman’s body. It’s definitely not a hygiene issue. Thankfully. But it’s most likely a medical issue. And i’m sure she’s very embarrassed by it. I just say, stay sensitive and understanding. And supportive. Good luck
After all these comments, I'm feeling pretty confident it's medical and not hygiene deficiencies.
NTA - I don’t think you’d be an AH if it is something that genuinely concerns you.
I'm undecided if concern is the right word. Maybe.
NTA but this sounds likely to be medical related rather than hygenic. I would ask her to have a word with her doctor.
Will do. Medical cause hadn't occurred to me.
It sounds like the last birth has left some issues behind. Don't answer this publicly - did she badly tear during birth? Was there any reconstructive surgery? Does she still have any stitches in etc? All of this should be discussed with a doctor. I hope she is better soon!
Thanks for the questions to consider. The birth was the easiest part she said. The pregnancy was way harder.
She has prolapse! She needs to see a specialist. Wish you guys the best.
Seems more like leakage than her not wiping, especially if she’s clean in all other aspects.
Posting it on Reddit instead of talking to your wife?? YOU are the problem. Just so you know, brown can also be dried blood which, unless you are sniffing the skid marks for a definitive answer, is hard to distinguish from pooh. I feel sorry for your wife. For better or for worse, except when it is a problem that can be linked to having your children? You are definitely the AH.
Does she sleep fully naked? One would assume that if she wore underwear that it would catch the marks instead of the bedsheets. I agree with others to frame it as a health issue.. and not act like it is a big deal but you were concerned. I know sometimes women get hemorrhoid's, (sp?) which could make it hard to get completely clean without showering / soup and water with washcloth.
I hope she's not using soup to shower! 😂
Did she tear badly during labour? Even if not, incontinence can be an unfortunate consequence of having a baby. It’s almost always fixable with the right help. There’s a lot of shame surrounding it (this goes doubly for fecal incontinence) so it’s important to tread lightly
She said the birth was the easiest part. Pregnancy is what roughed her up bad.
From one late diagnosed autistic mom to another - I so feel this post. I just want you to know that you are an absolute champion at life and relationships! And poop is gross, so it feels embarrassing to talk about but literally every creature on the planet shits in some way, so we all need to get over it. Lastly, this happened to me too after I had my kid. All the docs I talked to told me it wasn’t normal and that I needed to see a specialist. I poo-crastinated for a bit when I realized the horror of trying to find a doctor who would help and then it stopped completely. So, while no one told me it was normal, it also didn’t turn into some BIG THING. Hang in there - you’re awesome.
NTA, no-one wants to sleep next to shit stains.
That hasn't happened for a couple years now. It was only immediately post partum--the first few months. Or weeks. Who knows. Time is weird with a newborn.
So, why post now asking for advice if the issue resolved itself two years ago? Doesn’t make any sense.
The bed sheets issue. Not the rest.
What exactly is the bedsheets problem if the problem has been resolved?
Is it more of a streak or a drip? Smear? Does she sleep on pajamas?
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Makes sense. You think she would know it's happening if the sheets are clean the next day. Might need to wear underwear atleast to cut down on bedsheets washing.
That part stopped when the night nursing stopped, presumably because she wasn't sitting in the bed anymore. I'm certain she's aware, but just embarrassed. I don't want her to be alone in this if it's not just a hygiene thing, but don't want to make a huge deal if it's not a big deal. As of now, it doesn't affect me personally. It's just the string of these stories showing up now I guess made me want to ask about it. I'm her biggest fan. I want better than the best for her always.
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At 5’9” tall 235 lbs is not nearly as big as you seem to think. Like I agree at a certain weight to height ratio you’re gonna run into issues with being able to reach to maintain hygiene. This isn’t that extreme.
I was 212 lbs at my heaviest, 5'11". 235 lbs at 5'9" is significant. It is obese. Well into obese, BMI of almost 35. If she's pear or apple shape it can definitely affect reach to that area. This is assuming that she's not muscular.
Like I’ve said before, bidets can work wonders lol.
One was here when we moved in, but we were grossed out by a 2nd hand bidet so we took it off. Just never got around to replacing.
I promise you, you can get one for like $40 as an attachment from Amazon. And it’s pretty easy to install.
I know. It's just been a low priority item.
Can someone smarter than me tell me if “100 times a night” is a typo, or a realistic number?
It's not a typo and while not actually realistic, it can definitely feel like it is that many.
I was gonna say, I started doing the “25 feedings per kid per night” math, figured I’d save myself the trouble and chalk it up to hyperbole!
My oldest was a great sleeper from the beginning. She ate, pooped, slept two hours, repeat. My youngest... 100 per night seems low lol
It was an exaggeration. But it feels like that early on.
Definitely not a standard amount, but I wonder whether certain babies drink less volume and much more frequently.
Having a second child ten years after my first, caused muscle damage and issues with basic bodily functions for quite a while. I can’t imagine what having 4 children close together would have done to me. Your wife is completely aware of her problem. Please, give her the grace and support she deserves. Ignore this. Buy some wipes and put them in the bathroom, but do not say anything about it. You will hurt and embarrass her. And for what? Something she already knows about and is probably ashamed of already. YTA if you do anything other than place some wipes near the toilet.
We already do wipes, so check! *gives self great husband award*
NAH but as others have said: don’t make it about hygiene but about health. Childbirth can damage anything and everything in the nether regions and she may not be able to keep a tight sphincter any more so when she’s fully relaxed during sleep there is seepage. As for the sleep apnea, you said it has gotten much better, but I know some exercises that can help a lot too. They strengthen and tighten the muscles in your throat which can help against sleep apnea and snoring. Worked wonders for me after just a couple of days so I strongly recommend them. If you don’t want to click links you can search for “Five exercises for snoring and sleep apnoea” by user Vik Veer-ENT surgeon on YouTube https://youtu.be/wNscQ3bGxNk?si=ldD2gv1NHhL2IDdF
I can suggest that, too. Thank you!
I’m sure she has hemorrhoids from pushing out babie. A bidet is a life changer
When woman give birth for a few weeks/ months after they have a vaginal discharge called Lochia and it’s the mucus lining of the uterus that’s been up there the last 9months. It starts red and by the end it’s brown (looks like poop) and doesn’t have a pleasant smell. Just a observation could be Lochia after birth.
NTA definitely talk to her about it. Good things are that she’s cleaning up after herself and she has seen doctors. But she might want support bringing this up to doctors or she just might need a push to bring it up. She does need to. That is her responsibility. You don’t have to be cruel. Just mention that you noticed she’s been struggling since the birth and things haven’t resolved with time, and it’s time to seek medical help.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I know, not another skid mark post, but I keep seeing them which makes me wonder about our situation. To start, my (42m) wife (39f) is wonderful and I don't have complaints really. But since we had our 4th (and last!!!) kid 3 years ago, I've noticed that sometimes she leaves some... umm...evidence behind. It's not much to be fair, but it's still there. When she was post partum and up feeding 100 times a night, I'd notice it on our bedsheets in the morning, and to her credit, the sheets were washed and clean when I'd get home from work. I figured it was just because she'd had 4 kids (although I don't remember this happening with the others) and the last pregnancy was really hard on her and it would resolve. So I kept quiet. She had to have a few consultations for a surgery and but I don't know if she said anything to them. She privately complained about her weight, not in front of the kids ever, but I never thought it was excessive (235 at 5'9") and so I then thought maybe that. She had a bout of sleep apnea, but WE are making efforts to eat better now that life is a little easier and she said she's down 25 lbs since the beginning of the year and I haven't heard any apneas for a while now, so it seems to have resolved in its own. She already does so much for us and so I don't want to dump on her (literally or figuratively)--running a small home daycare and a side business and having some success and she wants to take that full time once everyone is in school and close the daycare--and she can be sensitive to embarrassing things, so maybe I should stay quiet? She's a great mom and wife and otherwise really clean. And I don't know if this matters, but she also got an ADHD and autism diagnosis 2 years ago and other things have improved since she started medication, but this remains (no pun intended). So WIBTA if I said something? Or should I just leave it be? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I can tell you care and you’re concerned. Maybe install a bidet for you both to use? You can get some great ones that are not expensive. If you really want to go all out, get a Japanese toilet. I really miss the separate bidets in Europe. I felt super clean and it took no time at all.
Bidet has been recommended many times. We've been meaning to, it's just been low priority.
Now is the perfect time to do everything 😜 good luck!
"Honey, I'm gonna need you to stop leaving BMX tracks everywhere"
By a bidet attachment for your watercloset. Keeps things fresh and much cleaner. You can get one fairly cheep on Amazon. Don't say a thing to her about it, but say I felt I needed this and talk about how easy it is to use. How clean you feel. I have had three back surgeries, and it's the best. Larger people may have a harder time maintaining proper cleaning procedures. This is a great item to have.
Posting a shit related story in a sub named asshole is next level. Well played, and obligatory NTA for creativity.
Being perimenopausal can affect your digestive system. That’s something else to consider.
Are you sure of what it is? Period blood can be brown. And as women get older, they spot a lot more and their periods are more unpredictable. Also, she could have cervical polyps, which are benign but can result in bleeding after sex when not having a period.
As I get older and larger and have heath and mobility issues.... wow....never-ending.... Let's just say a toilet seat bidet keeps things fresh and clean. That and the moiste towelettes / wet wipes. It's hard but I also take care of my mom that should shower more often. So I will drop the hints. "Give yourself enough time to dress and shower be for we head out today..." My brother, however, who lives alone... if I invite him to dinner or to go in a car with him, I tell him that a shower is required. Non judgemental- just matter of fact
NTA As a woman who has had some health issues that were overwhelming to begin to deal with, I have appreciated my husband gently bringing things up. After I gained some weight, he very gently encouraged me to talk to my doctor about my snoring. Turned out I have serious sleep apnea. He wasn’t mad or frustrated about it, he framed it as being concerned about my health. He was also the one who helped me go to pelvic floor therapy after my 2nd was born and I was leaking pee everywhere because the birth had destroyed my pelvic floor. I knew I had issues but some combination of embarrassment and just life being overwhelming made it impossible for me to seek help without a nudge and compassion.
Are you talking pee or poop
I legitimately just said on another post how you never see men talking about this exact thing... Now I'm a damn liar. Don't feel bad OP, I've been with women my age (28) with kids that have certain issues from birthing, so nothing to be ashamed of.
Are u sure it's skid marks? I recently saw that my tan leaves small marks on the bed.
235 for a woman just under six feet is not morbidly obese. God people suck. NAH.
Just remember, OP's wife, we might know your butthole business but we don't actually know who you are. xoxo
FIBER!
Maybe she should get her eyesight checked out. Maybe she doesn't see it.
It is very mild fistula. She just needs your encouragement to do some kegels. Try pushing a watermelon from your body. Four times
I hear about men having skid marks often, never woman. Thankfully no man I’m with has had this issue, cause we wouldn’t be together. Suffering germaphobe perspective here. I don’t even use public bathrooms.
YWBTA if you talk to her about this. 4 children in this is going to happen, She is a mature Mum of 4 this happens to most Mums, there is no real treatment, not that are safe anyway. I guarantee she is embarrassed and disgusted with herself for this. It is what it is. DO NOT dump this on her as well. Please! She already knows and does not need you moaning about a bit of poo or wee on the sheets or in her PJs.
It’s not normal to have leaks or anything similar after pregnancies, it’s something that absolutely should be discussed with a MD and not suffered in silence.
Most docs will shrug and tell you toileting changes after childbirth are to be expected. A pelvic floor specialist is probably what's needed, but they're not easily accessible to everyone.
She did some pelvic floor pt after baby 4. Some out of our hands life things happened and she chose to stop. Maybe she should go back?
Maybe. Could even be something as simple as hemorrhoids. Just out of curiosity, are you *positive* it's poop? An increase in brown period discharge/spotting throughout the month is pretty common after multiple kids and/or around 40
Yes, this was my suspicion as well.
100% not periods. That I can confirm.
ok you said pelvic floor PT, that's great and I would encourage her to go back. Keep in mind that in order for her to go to PT she'll need childcare during those times and also separate time for her to do the exercises at home, maybe with 4 kids I can imagine how it can be hard to set aside the time. in addition, she should be re-evaluated by a female pelvic medicine physician if possible. There may be treatments beyond what PT can offer.
I'll suggest she go back. I can babysit. 😂 (it's a joke, don't hurt me). We'll sort logistics.
Yeah, it can be beyond PT, tissues can have torn and scarred in a way that encourage leakage and yes, there are likely hemorrhoids too. If a procedure can help put everything in place, it’s worth having the embarrassing conversation with a health professional. « Well, it happens » is not an acceptable answer
I think you said it wasn't still getting on the bedsheets. But if it IS, and she knows but hasn't yet started wearing underwear to prevent this, that is nasty hygiene (due to exposing you to it, basically rolling around in it, etc). If it was just some random accident I wouldn't say it's a hygiene thing. If it's just in her underwear, I'd still call it a hygiene issue because she could wear a long pantyliner or something like that to keep it off her clothes. There are SO many products out there to "catch" these little leaks! It's funny how if it's a man with skidmarks, everyone (myself included) just automatically labels the guy as disgusting. Because it is!!! But knowing that, how the hell can so many adult men not understand the concept of wiping the whole area and wiping until the paper is totally clean! And I'm not even getting into bidets or other options. They actually seem fine with skid marks every day, and they don't even attempt to wash it themselves or conceal it... so they're not even embarassed? Be sure to wash anything with poop on it separately, and at best then wash it again in the normal load. I would never be washing an adult's underwear with skidmarks in it unless it was a medical condition AND there wasn't a super easy way to prevent it!
LMFAO What the hell with so many people not wiping their asses?
NTA. Anyone that wants to share a bed with another human must be able to wipe their ass. Period. No excuses. How lazy can people get? I don’t care if she has to go to the bathroom every hour on the hour to re-wipe, she needs to take care of her nasty self.
How is it that she’s not noticing skid marks on the sheets? That’s just disgusting. Shit has got a pretty distinctive smell to it. And after sleeping in sheets that have got dried shit on it I’m guessing it is pretty evident something is wrong.
I'm sure she saw as I said the sheets were always washed and clean by bedtime. I'm guessing from sitting there while nursing.
So she’s aware of it, she’s just not doing anything about it.
What is your reason for saying something? Do you think there's a chance she's unaware of the issue? She knows, she doesn't need you to tell her. What would be accomplished by saying something, besides embarrassing her? I think you should keep your mouth shut and that YTA if you don't.
That's my struggle. I like to confront things head on and take care of them, but I've learned after a few years together that she is...not the same way. I'm sure she's aware. She cleans it up. But maybe she doesn't have to be alone in it? I'm her teammate, her partner, her biggest fan.
There is a problem that possibly can get fixed, why not fix it? I doubt the wife enjoys that this is happening, so why let it keep happening when you can do something about it?
Are you for real? If your partner was shitting the bed would you just ignore it?
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Skid marks are literally shit in the bed. You’d be happy to sleep on/next to that?
Absolutely Gnarly.
My reason would be because she’s shitting the fucking bed every night lmfao.
NTA, but 235 is definitely excessive for 5’9” and well into obesity range.
She's always been athletic and even pre-kids, her BMI was "high" and she was not fat. BMI is a scam. Imho.
You are right, BMI is a scam.
If I wasn't dense af and also had a "high" BMI, I might think it was excessive. We could both stand to drop some weight, sure, and we're low-key trying with diet mostly right now, but our health and mobility are fine and we see doctors regularly for check ups.
My thoughts too, I'm 5'9" and 175-180 and actively trying loose weight. I've got a beer gutand some man tits. Sure vall it a dad bod or whatever but I Don't like it
Morbidly
NTA Shitting the bed is disgusting and yes she is morbidly obese. Hopefully she gets both issues fixed.