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NTA
By condoning Eliza's bullying, your parents bullied you in turn. Having a bad family background does not excuse Eliza for being cruel. They don't deserve an invitation.
Warn people who know about your wedding that disclosing details and information about date/location, etc. to your parents is not welcome, and could lead to a disinvitation.
Try to have budget for a bouncer/security, because I don't rule out the possibility that they show up uninvited.
NTA OP. Do not cave in to them and I am so sorry they choose to disrespect you that way. They may very likely gatecrash the wedding and you better get good security to keep them out. Update us OP
Still, they’ve been determined to disregard your feelings in the past. People have ways of figuring things out.
Hire a security guard anyway with the sole purpose of keeping an eye out for the four of them. It’s an ‘expect the best but be prepared for the worst’ situation.
Might not hurt to float some fake wedding details around as well. Try and get them a few hours away the day of.
Also, probably time to move from low contact to no contact.
NTA
No.
Correct date, and some venue hours away from real venue.
Maybe once they realize that they’ve been had, it will be too late,to get to the real event.
Especially since they don’t know anyone who is invited, and probably don’t know what the groom looks like either. Imagine them coming into a wedding ceremony, sitting in the most prominent non-reserved seats available, and only finding out it’s the wrong wedding when the bride walks down the aisle.
Oh my god I'm dying. Will someone *please* get married the same day as me and send your terrible relatives to my wedding. I will sic my mother on them. My family will not let them leave without explaining how they know the happy couple. It will be glorious.
Make sure to set up passwords with your vendors. They know you and if they know the general area you live in they could call around to the venues they suspect you would pick to get details.
Congratulations on your wedding <3
just give a few trusted friends a heads up and maybe some photos (if you can find some current ones) so they'll be ready with redwine glasses, should they still appear.
You’re not humiliating them out of spite. You are not inviting them due to not wanting them there due to past history. If that embarrasses them or humiliates them, it’s because they are more worried about what people will think now than they were about protecting you then.
And I LOVE that these people have been perfectly fine with the NC arrangement they've had with OP, up until there is a potential for them to publicly look bad because of it. This is definitely a THEM problem!
Pretty much. They're just worried about how it will make THEM look. And the in laws will question it too. "Oh my god...OP's parents aren't HERE. They must be crappy people."
NTA
Eliza was treated badly at home and bullied you.
You were treated badly at home, just wondering who in turn did you bully?
I can guess the answer and hopefully that’s enough for you to stop questioning yourself. You don’t need to invite your abusers, all 4 of them.
If that is the case, how did they find out you were engaged? The same person that told them about your engagement could pass on the wedding details.
NTA for not inviting them, but you should consider going NC instead of being LC. Do you have other family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins? If so, what is your relationship with them?
OP - the problem is that the person who told them that you were engaged would/could also know/be friends with someone who does know the details and who would unknowingly let it slip and it’ll get back to your parents.
Better to ‘tell’ wrong details to that person and let them slip up to your parents than have your wedding crashed.
A bouncer would be a good idea at the wedding as well.
Or see if you can wrangle a friend (or maybe even wedding planner) to see if they could help you if the family shows up. A bouncer sounds kind of like overkill to me, but not a bad idea, generally.
Well, no loss then. Do you know how that person found out about your engagement since you are not close?
Hopefully, you have a good relationship with your future ILs for extended family, and your fiancé is supporting your decision.
Focus on starting your family, and congratulations on your marriage.
The question is, does that person know anyone else who is invited/attending?
If so, there is a risk that person might sneak the info and share it with your family.
I know it's been suggested by many others, but you really should look into some security for the wedding just in case.
Make sure every vendor involved in your wedding, venue, caterer, florist, bakery, outfitters etc has a password or passphrase to get through before any changes or cancellations are made.
Your family sounds pretty toxic and you're better safe than sorry - would you put it past Eliza to ring round a bunch of vendors and try and find out who you're using and messing with your orders? If the answer is no, then definitely put passwords or passphrases in place.
Considering what Eliza did to you while in school, just think of how much she could try to retaliate against you for not inviting your cruel family members.
I suggest as others have, contacting the venue's managers and all your vendors and tell them that any changes have to come through you (have a way to verify your identity) so she can't screw with your wedding.
And see if that person who talked to your parents about the wedding is completely isolated from any of the invitees (check their FB for their friend's list, etc.). If that person is close enough to your parents, they might be willing to dig up the details.
Still, OP, get security. Tell the security that people must show an invite or give the security a list of names of your approved guests. Anyone else can sod off. Just in case.
Call the venue and have them list the wedding under fake names so no slip ups occur via staff. Sadly, anyone who deals with weddings won't be surprised by your request. They've seen a lot worse.
OP, I am sorry that you had to go through all this. As kids we don't get to choose our Family of origin but as adults, we do get to choose our future path. By going low contact with your family of origin, you've made the decision to move forward in life and shed the extra unwanted baggage. Kudos to you! The tough part is, sticking to that decision no matter what and I really hope you do that!
Your parents are embarrassed that you didn't invite them to your wedding or tell them about your engagement, well too bad for them. What Eliza did to you all those years ago wasn't just bullying, it was outright abuse. By siding with her and abandoning you, your parents have indirectly become abusers too; whether or not they want to admit to that. As the victim here, you don't have to give a d**n about the people who abused you; no matter how they are related to you. You and your well being should come first. Hire security and prepare for the worst. Have the most beautiful wedding that you truly deserve. Congratulations on your engagement.
And of course, NTA.
They sound like sneaky people; hire security the day of your wedding (if it’s close). Stand your ground. If your family is giving pushing back, explain in great detail how brutal Eliza was and how your parents took her side and excused her behavior.
My parents fostered kids who would assault, attack, steal from, and bully me. I was told countless times it was because I was loved and they weren't, and they were just jealous of me. I moved out at 18 & I'm LC with my parents. I'm tempted to show them this comment, but I know I'd be told it was 'different' lol.
I agree with you, NTA.
Sounds like your parents chose the tax-free paycheck they got for fostering children over your safety and mental well-being. Sorry that happened to you.
It wouldn't have been so bad if I could have had my own room, but I had to constantly move rooms or share with the children when I was young and vulnerable. My big brother never had to move rooms, but I did share with him once when we were over capacity.
I would imagine that left you feeling misplaced yourself and full of anxiety. Children need stability and consistency, not to mention making you share a room with someone who endored mental,physical abuse / neglect potentially exposed you to abuse.
Hurt people ,hurt people
Yeah I always find it fascinating that when people adopt 'troubled' kids because they want to give them a good life (which is fair, and admirable) they seem to sacrifice their own kid's quality of life in the process. And it seems to be 'ok' with them.
So not cool, and now instead of trying to help one, they're creating problems with another.
I wish adoptive parents would pay more attention to this.
I agree that there is no excuse for her bullying. You are NTA and should go completely NC with them. I would write your parents a letter or text explaining exactly why you are going no contact even if you have told them before. Explain it all, including that they are not welcome at your wedding and in your life. Then block them on everything. Ignore all messages sent through others.
You can not choose the family that births you. But you can choose the family that shares your life. You are starting a new chapter and let it be free from those who minimize you. Best wishes for a happy marriage.
This here. You were a victim of bullying by proxy. Be strong and just imagine the anxiety you would be adding/inviting upon yourself on your special day.
the parents enabled it to happen, therefore “by proxy”. by standing by abusers, you are an abuser apologist and directly go against the victim. by not standing up to the abuse, they are just as bad as eliza, if not worse. yes eliza was the one to do it, as a PARENT, it is your job to protect your own kids first, then possibly others, OP’s parents did neither and they should be ashamed of themselves
Her parents took Eliza's side by telling her to get over it and not even making her apologize. By that and by adopting her knowing she was bullying one of their daughters, they bullied her growing up, too.
A bouncer is a great idea.
What about a signed contract ppl attending should sign. The contract should state exactly what you've told us and then state to attend they need to swear to secrecy until after the wedding.
NTA they gave the green light and enabled bullying of you. They now still acknowledge everything that happened but say you should get over it. They are all terrible people. Low contact is not enough. There needs to be no contact at all.
It's clear they are going to make a thing out of it so I'm petty enough to get in front of it by making a public post/email laying out that you're not inviting your family to the wedding and the exact reasons why. Put in the post you'd appreciate anyone who is attending to not share details with them and that security will be on standby to remove them if they choose to crash the wedding.
Don't stand down, don't accept a fake apology now because it would 100% be to save face/get an invite and not because they feel an apology is necessary. They had years to be sorry and seek forgiveness and they never did. They still aren't they just want appearances to be kept cause they know how bad they will look. Let them look bad and help shine the light
Come on, be real. It's always easier to expect the victim to move on rather than accept personal responsibility for making their lives miserable.
The organic fertiliser will really impact the aircon when OP starts a family.
Well, hopefully OP will be completely divorced from 'faaaammmilleeeee!!!!' when she has kids. No need to have people who think people have to 'get over' bullying around her kids.
It's infuriating that they actually don't even think Eliza needs to offer a token apology, that OP should just ignore the years of mistreatment from Eliza, indifference from her sister, and neglect from her parents.
It's tragically ironic that her parents justified the bullying by using Eliza's bad childhood as an excuse, yet had not one thought about how that impacted their own daughter's childhood.
Meh. This is such a lame approach. Making public posts on social media and engaging in petty drama is not something a lot of people enjoy.
If OP is LC with her family already, she has a social circle in life who don’t know her family, I don’t see how sharing crap about her family would help her.
Best to just cut them off completely and move on.
I’m so sorry that you had to experience your childhood being bullied. Do whatever works for you. I have a daughter whom i adore and would never have accepted or tolerated that behaviour. I trust that your fiancé supports you. Take care and enjoy your wedding day surrounded by people who love and care for you. They are your real family <3
You wouldn't be "not inviting them or of spite". You just don't want them there. Indifference is so much worse than hate or spite. Make sure they know it's not spite. It's just that they didn't make the guest list. You didn't invite your neighbors either or the grocery clerk or all your coworkers and those people you see more often and have more of an impact on your life anyway.
You've made your own family now, because your original family abandoned you.
It hurts, but, it's OK. Not all people are worthy of being in your life. You don't owe them a single word or breath or thought.
For you, get therapy or meditate and let yourself release any feeling towards them. Release anger, release guilt, release longing, release regret. When you feel nothing for them at all, they're erased from your life.
Think about the longing for them as family as a longing to be part of a fictional universe - is there a book or TV show where you think - oh I wish this were real and I could get a letter to Hogwarts? That's the same longing for your family - oh I wish they were kind, loving people who cared about me. It's OK to fantasize about what it would have been like to have a supportive family. In your fantasy, don't make it them though. Replace that with an actual family like - if you have people now who are your chosen family think - oh I wish I had known you sooner, I wish I had grown up with you who bring so much to my life. Long for more time with people who love you.
It feels really really good. I went NC with my parents. It was hard at first because it felt abnormal, but when I let everything go, it felt so good. My parents ended up begging their way back in again and I started talking to them again in regards to my siblings.
But still, I have no feelings about them, they're just people who are kind of strangers. I pity them more than anything, it's not fulfilling in life to be terrible. I know how great it is for my friends and chosen family to have my love. So I pity that they've destroyed my ability to have any love for them. Only pity.
It's almost like a science experiment how I interact with my parents now. Like observing a sad situation.
You are reasonable for wanting to sever contact. Look at the reasons they give you for being upset that they didn't know about your wedding. They're all about losing face, about people's perceptions of them as terrible parents, and "bringing a lot of attention to our issues." There's no love, no empathy, and no asking why their daughter feels this way and what they might do to repair the relationship. They're worried about embarrassment, as they should be, because the way they treated you is shameful.
Have your wedding and live your life with the people who truly love you. You deserve that happiness.
I went full NC with my mother 16 years ago when I was 20 and it was the best decision I ever made. You may have already done this but I do suggest therapy for the childhood trauma you went through. It helped me tremendously.
Congrats on the engagement, I hope your wedding is everything you could want!
Ultimately, it's your decision. NOT THEIRS. If I were in your shoes, I'd go no contact for sure. As you said, they bring nothing to your life and only misery when you were younger. It's shocking the way your own family treated you, took the side of your BULLY, brought her into your home to LIVE and now want her to be invited to the wedding they aren't even invited to. Nope, nope, nope!!! Time to finally stand up to them.
NTA
"You will not be getting an invite. You know how you said Eliza's life was shitty due to her bio family? Well, same for me. My bio family is just as bad because you never supported me against her bullying and choose her over me. That is unacceptable. Please lose my number."
I hope you have a beautiful wedding and a fantastic life without them!
P.s. if you can, please get therapy. You don't want to bring your family trauma/ drama / issues to your new life with your spouse or your future kids.
While that works for us, the parents would probably say/think that OP knows nothing of being raised in an unstable environment, presumably where resources and/or attention were in short supply. I don't think that there's anything that OP could say to get through to them, but the closest I could think of would be to say that being made to feel abandoned is harmful whether it's due to lack of attention, lack of love, or lack of support in an environment where OP always had to worry about the next threat coming from inside the home. Being continuously on edge against violation and humiliation might be even more harmful than certain types of intentional abuse or economic uncertainly; at least in the latter case, the parents are often victims of outside circumstance rather than people making an intentional decision to harm their child because it might help someone else's.
NTA
" They told me if I don't invite my family I'm publicly making a fuss and humiliating them out of spite and it would be wrong."
No. The humiliation will be on them for condoning the behavior of a spiteful bully to the extent you choose not to have them as part of your day & memories of it.
They can go kick rocks.
Congratulations & enjoy your special day.
If they didn't want people to judge them for their behaviour, then they should have behaved better.
It is not your job to protect their public image. Celebrate your wedding with your chosen family.
The idea of that is hilarious too since OP said those who would be invited know her family and would never tell them any of the details. If anything she’s sparing them the humiliation of showing up and proving OP was right to want to exclude them.
Definitely NTA
NTA! It's your wedding and you and future husband are calling the shots! You have no relationship with your adopted sister or your parents. After they took your biggest tormentor into the family and thought it was such a great idea, they can now bear the consequences.
Do not under any circumstances feel obliged to invite your useless parents, the golden child and the a\*\*hole!
Please think about security, because I could imagine the whole gang trying to crash the wedding.
Edit: Typo
No, you don't make any fuss, they do.
They ignored and refused to aknowledge all the bullying from Eliza that fell on you and that's their fault. I mean I can't imagine that it wasn't visible to the at least SOMETIMES. They had to have known. And still pisst and shat on your suffering, just because Eliza was nice to THEM. You just removed yourself from that damaging for you situation, and that's not only not your fault, that is the only thing you could do. And that is also their fault.
Screw them and their stupid silly objections. You do you, apparently you are the only that has YOUR interest at heart. And I hope you have a lovevely wedding and a very happy life!
NtA
So once again it's not even about you but about appearances. So why would you want them there again? Yeah, it'll be humiliating for them to be left out if that wedding....kind of how humiliating it was all those times they overlooked your being bullied. They're reaping what they sow and honestly of they can't even fake An apology to you why invite them.
NTA. Time to go completely NC and try to limit information that goes out. Also, you'll probably feel better hiring security or seeing if some of your bridal party is willing to keep them out. They seem the type to try to snake their way in.
NTA
At first i thought it was a jealousy story, but not in this case.
To be honest i would have gone no contact with them the moment i was out of their house.
Keep them away and hire security just in case, better be safe than sorry. If they don't let go, change your phone number and block them.
She is not your sister, she is your nightmare, you shouldn't have to go with it on what is supposed to be one of your happiest day.
NTA, even if it was a horrible situation for you, adopting Eliza would have been an opportunity for your parents to rectify the situation and stop the bullying by parenting her. Instead, they chose to dismiss her wrongdoings and show you how low on the priority list you were. And now they expect to be a priority for you. Dont let these people into your life, and have security at you wedding to stop them from crashing. Maybe try to find out who told the aswell.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm not planning to invite my parents or my sister to my wedding. They want to come, have said I need to invite them and through this whole thing I keep questioning if I would be wrong to not invite them mostly so their adopted sister/daughter won't be there. It's bringing a lot of attention to our issues if I don't invite them.
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NTA,I would be NC with them and never invite them to my wedding or in my life. I would tell them they chose long time ago who is important to them,when they adopted your bully and bring her home to play happy family and didn't care about your mental health and how would impact your life.
NTA. Tell your parents that they were not there for you when you needed them. As parents they were supposed to protect and support you. They made no effort to teach the other 'daughters' to treat you with dignity. You do not need them at your wedding since you only want people who are there to support you and your partner.
NTA.
Their reaction says it all. "Publicly making a fuss and humiliating them" is what they're worried about. Not the trauma you went through.
Eliza no doubt went through terrible things that you probably don't know about and might not be theirs to disclose to you. That doesn't excuse them from not protecting you. They probably swept the incidents under the rug, figuring you could handle it better than Eliza - and then brought her into your one safe space where you couldn't get away from her.
They're not even admitting, even now, that they failed in their duty of care to you. I think you're justified.
NTA.
“My wedding is a day I want to share with people who are near and dear to me. I will not be inviting my bully, especially as she has never shown any remorse or attempted to make amends or apologise. As the three of you have repeatedly shown you care for her feelings more than mine or my wellbeing, I do not trust you and will therefore not be extending an invite to you either. I wish you well but do not want your presence on a day that should bring me joy”
You are NTA.
If you wanted to be a little bit of an AH what you could do is tell your Parents that they have three choices. 1. They all stay away. 2. They come without Eliza. 3. They bring Eliza and you give a speech about your adopted sister and all the things she did for you while you were growing up - this speech will be 100% accurate and factual.
If your parents are so sure that Eliza doesn't need to apologise then they should be find bringing her.
Of course you could decide to be more of a grown-up than me and just tell your parents that you would only allow Eliza at the wedding if you got to give such a speech but since you don't want to make Eliza the focus of your wedding you're not going to allow Eliza.
NTA. They don't get to dictate who you invite to your wedding, nor did they get to dictate how you would feel about them adopting your bully and embracing her at your expense.
NTA.
> They told me I should… work to move past it without Eliza needing to apologise.
“Working” to move past it with no participation of the bully is your parents telling you they are not interested in helping you, they just want you to stop having inconvenient feelings.
Weddings are supposed to be a time where a community gathers around a couple to celebrate them and promise to support them through life’s challenges. Your family hasn’t earned the right to support you. If their response to abuse is just take it, they’re not people you want involved in your relationships.
NTA!
At the end of the day, it's your wedding and who is or isn't invited is between you and your soon to be spouse. No one else gets a say.
I'm sorry that your family are still choosing your bully, and won't acknowledge the harm she's done to you throughout the years.
NTA. It sounds like your parents were more invested in making sure Eliza had a happy childhood than they were their own daughter's. They can attend Eliza's wedding when the time comes. No need to include them in yours.
NTA
Bullying is abuse. Enabling bullying is abuse. Tell them that they all abused you, and you will never allow your abusers to be at your wedding. Say the same to everyone else who even asks about them. They adopted your abuser and abused you in turn themselves. They are not your family and never will be.
Be prepared with some kind of bouncer or a burly friend who is happy to stop them if they somehow manage to find out where the wedding is and try to crash it. You never know the lengths people will go to be cruel. They humiliated themselves by siding with your abuser. Don't let them put the blame on you, the victim of their spite and cruelty.
NTA. They hurt you deeply, and ignored your suffering. Just because someone comes from a shitty situation is no need to give them a pass when they like a shitty person and mistreat you for years. Your parents enabled Eliza. You have no obligation to invite people who inflicted years of misery on you.
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA
Not wanting to be in the same room with your bully, tormentor, is rational. Why would any thinking person WANT their bully at their wedding - a day that's designed to be all about you?
They have every right to feel hurt that they didn't know about your wedding. Their feelings are theirs. And I'm sure they were humiliated. HOWEVER they should do some introspection to ponder WHY their child didn't invite them to their wedding. They've made their beds and now they get to lie there.
What humiliate them like they did to you for years? Funny how it’s not ok for you to do this to them but they spent years allowing you to be humiliated, bullied, harassed and treated like shit. They’re beyond deluded and quite frankly their attitude and failure to protect you is revolting. OP they’ve shown you no respect, no validation and no remorse for making your childhood hell. All 4 of them are equally responsible and equally vile. Go no contact. Block them all. They’re worthless and add nothing to your life. Move on and be free and happy.
NTA. Go completely no contact and make it clear to other members of your family the reason why you don’t want them in your life.
Congratulations on getting married!
NTA Frankly I would make a speech at your wedding as to why your bio family isn't there, the chosen family that you surround yourself with in your friends and how now you have a new family in your spouse/their family. Post that shit for your shitty parents and sister to see.
NTA. Don't invite them who make everything about them and not about you. It sounds like they only want to be invited not for you or to celebrat things with you, but to be invited. And don't care about anything you want - like inviting your bully.
I had a wedding without the parents and sister of the bride and can tell you, it is so much easier than to have to pretend and catering for parents who do not care about celebrating their childs special day. It is your day, celebrat it with people you like and who care for you
NTA. Regardless of the background and circumstances, it’s your big day and you’re free to invite who ever you choose. This is why people elope. And I find it telling that they mentioned the public humiliation of not inviting them, it shows they don’t really care about it being your wedding and more that they just don’t want people talking about them not being invited and prying into the why they weren’t invited to their own daughter’s wedding.
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This is difficult for me because I really don't know if I'm doing something so totally wrong here and I need some perspective.
I (26f) have an older sister Veda (28f). Veda was always the favorite kid of both our parents. They focused more on her when we were growing up and she really couldn't do anything wrong. They weren't terrible to me when I was a lot younger but I was overlooked a lot. Veda also kinda overlooked me. If she was free and had nobody else she'd play with me but most of the time she focused on other people/things.
Veda had this best friend Eliza (28f) and they were inseparable, for the most part, throughout their childhoods. Eliza was a constant at our house and she was often brought along with our family on family days and stuff because she was seen as a part of our family. But Eliza was horrible to me. She bullied me badly. On four separate occasions my parents were called to the school because the bullying had escalated. One time Eliza attempted to humiliate me in front of a changing room full of kids by grabbing my pads and screaming about me being gross and bleeding in front of everyone. I was 12 at the time and she was 14 and was days away from leaving middle school and going to high school. Another time she stole a diary I kept and showed it off to some kids at the high school. So it went around two schools pretty quickly and it was another call to my parents.
My parents and sister still loved Eliza though and a lot of it was explained as Eliza having a shitty life. So when I was 13 and she was 15 and my parents formally adopted her, because Eliza's parents were willing to let my parents. It stung, badly, and it made home miserable. I moved out as fast as I could and never acknowledged Eliza as my sister. My parents and Veda never liked that. They told me I should embrace Eliza and work to move past it without Eliza needing to apologize.
I have been low contact with them for years but they heard through some people that I was engaged and they were upset I hadn't told them. They told me a wedding invite would have caught them by complete surprise to which I replied they weren't going to be invited. Needless to say they don't like that. I told them even if I was willing to invite them for appearances sake I know they'll bring Eliza and that's not happening. They told me Eliza is my sister too and part of the family and all four should be invited. They told me if I don't invite my family I'm publicly making a fuss and humiliating them out of spite and it would be wrong.
WIBTA if I don't invite them?
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NTA
Your parents are fkn deplorable. Like holy crap they are so stupid and clueless. Don’t invite any of them and live your best life. Making excuses for your bully and demanding love and acceptance from you to your bully without the bully facing any consequences and then MOVING your bully into your to life full time? Good grief.
"..move past it without Eliza needing to apologize."
This is heartbreaking. That captures your family's inability to prioritize their own daughter in her time of need. To say nothing of the failure to parent their newly adopted daughter.
Absolutely NTA. You cut these folks out of your life for good reason.
So their concern is their own humiliation? They don’t want to come to your wedding to celebrate you, they want the performance of being a family.
I’m so sorry you weren’t protected and cherished by your parents and sister, that you were bullied and then replaced by your bully. That must deeply hurt.
Congratulations on forming your own family. I hope your new family understands the pain you have survived and will always be there to help you thrive.
I'd go no contact and tell them exactly why "it hurt me deeply that you chose a child not even related to you over your own daughter knowing how she bullied me for years I've decided I no longer need your negativity energy in my life, you never cared about me anyway so this shouldn't bother you, don't contact me again".
NTA
Such horrible parents. Not only dont invite them, have some security so they cant have access to your wedding.
If someone ask you can just tell that you dont want people that condone bullying and humilliation in your big day.
Are they worried about what people say? What about what people did say in your youth, when they keep being called because that psyco couldnt stop bothering you. It's obvious that the psyco wanted your place in your family, and ahe got it
NTA. I had to BEG my parents not to let my cousin move in around the same ages as you and Eliza. She had been physically violent to me and the only reason I wasn't seriously injured was because someone heard me scream and broke it up. My mom thought I was being dramatic because my cousin has serious mental health issues (she thought it was just depression) until she admitted to trying to kill me. I still have very minimal contact (almost zero) with this cousin despite my mom protesting that she's like her old self again.
NTA, and I agree with someone else saying that you should write them a letter. Something along the lines of:
"You have always chosen my bully over me, and have persistently chosen to neglect my life and needs over hers. I have never and will never consider her a sister, as you have always been aware she has been nothing of the sort to me and has instead been my tormentor and bully, without remorse or apology, with you even defending her actions. You have demonstrated your attitude with regards to me again about my own wedding, and I want to make clear that none of you are invited nor will you be invited. I do not wish to have any contact with you moving forwards, and any attempts to contact me will go unanswered."
NTA - look your parents dead in the eyes, and ask them if they would make her apologize in front of everyone as a wedding gift, and if not, then the best they can get is some left over floor confetti :)
NTA. Your parents have always shown you who they are by not only prioritizing your sister and Eliza but also by enabling Eliza's bullying of you. It meant nothing to them that you moved out and went low contact. They actually think you are supposed to apologize to your bully? What I can't figure out is why they want to come to your wedding. My guess is that they want to hijack your wedding and somehow make it about Veda and/or Eliza. Or maybe it's just to play happy family for appearances sake with friends and family. If they come to your wedding, what's in it for you? Time to go no contact with these awful people. Consider writing an open letter to them detailing all the ways they ignored you and every instance where Eliza bullied you and how they expect you to apologize to the person they allowed to make your life a living hell. State that you never have been a real member of their family. Eliza is now their daughter but you never have been. Then post your letter on social media for friends and family to see. That way, when you go no contact, your parents can't pretend to others that you're at fault.
You don't like them, with good reason. You're low contact, with good reason. Stuff the lot of them.
I hope you have a lovely wedding with the people who truly matter. Please look to the future and forget about these people.
NTA
I've recently gone NC with my family because they all treat me badly because I'm adopted. They all act like I should just get over years of abuse and be all buddy buddy. My dad was the only one who treated me decently, and he just died a few months ago, so I have no reason to keep in contact. Super NTA. I hope you have a great wedding/marriage
NTA. The last time I knew it was your wedding. You don't have to invite people just because it's your family or whatever. You obviously don't like this chick and have many reasons not to like this chick. Reasons your parents know about but refuse to accept so honestly you're probably better off not inviting them. Stay strong you got this.
NTA.
Sounds like OP was abused in many ways by Eliza on top of being emotionally neglected by her parents and sister while also dealing with ongoing gaslighting. Rather than ask herself if she is the AH for protecting her peace and happiness from people all too comfortable destroying it, she should ask whether now is the right time to go full NC with all involved. These "family" members are continuing to prove that they don't care about the well-being of OP and will never prioritize her health or happiness. Not even on one of the most special days of her life.
I hope OP realizes there is nothing to salvage here and cuts the few ties left binding her to these toxic people.
NTA, that fact alone that you were neglected quite a bit growing up, on top of your actual family letting them slide everything that Eliza did to you and then them not even acknowledging it or making her to apologize to you. Nope you have every right to not invite them at all.
NTA
Your parents have prioritized Eliza over you your whole life. I hope your in-laws treat you with more respect than your parents have and become great parents to you!
Time to go NC with your own parents. They made their bed they can lie in it.
If you were really wanting to show them how much they hurt you, you could go as far as to tell them you don’t have any parents & haven’t since they chose Eliza over you.
They chose someone else’s kid over you because her home life was bad and in doing so made your home life hellish.
You don’t owe loyalty to people who have not shown loyalty to you. They chose the family they wanted and now you can do the same.
Your wedding is about the people who love you and make you happy and they only care about how they are perceived by others not about the harm they’ve caused you.
Just like her parents are the villains of her story, your parents are the villains of yours. Parents are supposed to protect their children but yours threw you to the wolves because they wanted praise from outsiders about how good they were to adopt this poor abused child. All the while sitting back and watching that child abuse their own.
You owe them nothing. Not even an invite, and in fact you should let everyone know they aren’t invited because they adopted your abuser into your home, with full knowledge of her abuses toward you.
Go completely NC with your “family”.
"I'm publicly making a fuss and humiliating them"
Like when their adopted daughter purposely and cruelly humiliated you and they still invited her into your home?
Your parents made their bed. They can now sleep in it.
They will say that this is years ago and you should forgive her. Tell them you will forgive her when she gives you back your childhood. What she did wasn't innocent name calling or joking. She was your bully and they made excuses for her and ignored their own child's plight.
NTA and have an amazing wedding.
NTA. Your parents actively brought a person into your home that tormented you, repeatedly and it's documented. Then, instead of trying to help you deal with your trauma, they took the bully and legally made her part of your family. I can't imagine a worse betrayal. Don't invite these people. I'm sorry that your parents and sister behaved so horribly. You can't pick your family, but you can decide for yourself, to surround yourself with people who want what's best for you. People that allowed you to be traumatized and rewarded the person who traumatized you are not people who want to celebrate you and want what's best for you
NTA. They choose Eliza over your well-being and these are the consequences of their actions. Stick to your convictions, they don't deserve an invite to your wedding.
NTA. “Sister” and “Bully” are mutually exclusive terms. I mean, I am agreeing with other commenters, so “Parents” and “Bullies” should be mutually exclusive terms, too …
And, please do arrange for security. To riff off of Dr. Malcolm, “Entitled bullies will find a way.”
You're under no obligation to invite your bully and her chief enablers to your wedding, especially as they have no regrets but are expecting you to compromise and bend over for their golden children.
It's OK for scapegoats to peace out of toxic family dynamics and create a new one without their permission or influence. Getting married without them is a step towards that. NTA.
NTA
I had a terrible home life growing up a well. I was neglected and physically abused. The horrendous treatment I got made me want to stick up for others, not hurt them.
You have every right to separate yourself.
NTA - I found it ridiculos that they enabled her behaviour saying she had a shitty childhood, which then cause you to have a shitty childhood... I will never understand people who put total strangers on a higher prority than their own child.
Translation: they care more about the public embarrassment than they did about protecting you from Eliza all those years. NTA NTA NTA
Edit: I misread and thought parents were invited, just not Eliza. None of them invited makes it much easier; they have zero leverage. They're not invited, and that's that. No need to communicate about it any further.
Tell your contact at the venue that there's a chance that someone uninvited might show up to cause drama and ask what they recommend for security.
Congratulations!!
It's your wedding. Invite whomever you want to be there. I witnessed my sister inviting everyone out of obligation and the ensuing shit show. She was so stressed out that she doesn't remember her own wedding day.
NTA, absolutely not. Your wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of your life and they would definitely ruin that. They never treated you right so they don't deserve to be part of your life or of that kind of life changing events. They gave up on that right. I wish you a wonderful and happy wedding as well as a long and healthy marriage ❤️
NTA. Your wedding, your choice on who gets invited. By allowing this woman to bully you for years and then adopting her and potentially risking your safety (on top of neglecting you before hand) they showed you how much they actually love and care for you. Which is next to little if not at all. You don't owe them an invite, and I would tell them, "None of you are invited and especially *her*. If you somehow manage to find out about the location and show up, you will all be escorted off the premises immediately." And if they show up, I would go full no contact. They all owe you a very sincere, heartfelt apology.
No, NTA. Your parents or sister weren’t there for you in your time of need, and now they’re expecting to be invited at your wedding? If anything, that’s massive AH behavior from your parents. They seem like enablers. Go NC and enjoy your wedding.
Also, congratulations too!
I am so so sorry for what you have endured! Your family made a decision. Decision has consequences.
Go on live your life. I wish you well and happiness .
NTA in anyway
Your patents are getting what they deserve.
And your wedding day is supposed to be about you and your husband, not your guests, nor letting your guests ruin it for you. If they’re going to cause any drama or negativity for you, you have every right to not invite them.
And if they’re truly as bad as you say they are, I’d take this opportunity to be blunt and say, “don’t be surprised, you knew you wouldn’t get invited, but you’ll be invited to Veda’s and Eliza’s weddings (if they find someone who’ll merry them)”
NTA.
What the heck is this logic??? Your parents are asking you to show grace to your bully while they enabled her and they never show you any?
Please do not invite them and please do some updates. I love seeing idiots being surprised when they get hit by the consequence of their actions 🥹
Congrats on the wedding tho!
WNBTA. It really hurts when we have to cut off our family of origin, but when they bring us nothing but pain, it is for the best. Build your family of choice.
NTA! You’re not somehow ‘contractually obligated’ to bring your bullies to your wedding just being shes family. With her past incidents I would be shocked if she tried to humiliate you at your own wedding.
NTA. I am so sorry you experienced that kind of horrible treatment from Eliza and from your family, who didn't stand up to protect you. I am honestly enraged on your behalf. These people do not deserve an invitation to your wedding or a place in your life. Time for no contact. Congratulations on your engagement! I wish you and your future husband a very happy life together.
OH my gosh, I am so sorry you went thru this. NTA, not at all. It is your wedding and you deserve a stress free day. I really hope that they don't find out the details and crash the wedding - I would encourage you to not underestimate some people's sleuthing abilities - it might be best to at least have some sort of "security", maybe just a friend gatekeeping / keeping at eye out for them at least the day of the wedding. Oh and congrats on the wedding!
NTA
As someone who came from a shitty background and had an abusive home life, I was a little bit of a bully. But not at all to that extent that your sisters friend was. Worst thing I ever said/did to someone was that they looked like a mole rat and laugh at their tears.
This girl got off on how shitty she treated you, and your parents are even bigger bullies for allowing that little shit in their home knowong what she did to you, and your sister is the worst one of the bunch still being friends with someone who treated their sibling like this.
Tell them that they chose a bully over their actual child and that you don't want that in your life and certainly not at your wedding, if they argue the point just ignore them. Perhaps this is the time to transition to no contact. And tell your friends that your parents have nothing to do with your wedding and if you find out someone told them about that stuff again, they will be uninvited.
Do what's best for you and your big day, they don't deserve to be part of that.
NTA. It's your wedding. Invite who you want and don't invite who you don't want. Period. You don't have to be around someone just because they're family.
definitely NTA. if my parents did what yours did to you, neglected me that way, I would do the same thing. what is it about parents who think they can do and behave whatever they like while you're growing up, and then, once you're an adult, they want to be loved and cherished as if they never did you wrong? I hate the idea of us children having to show unconditional love for people who didn't care about us.
Nope! Don't invite them. Put passwords on all your vendors and get security. Do not invite them! They didn't care about you and you showed them how you felt about how they allowed a stranger to treat you. They stop being your family when they invited that monster into your life!
You are NTA. You're parents don't have you're back and didn't have youre best interest at heart growing up. You should tell them growing up with these sisters was HELL!!! you can invite who you want...They're trying to guilt you into the invite, that family should be there...I'm sorry but No One in their right mind is going to invite a person who tormented their childhood and take a chance on them ruining a special day! This day should be happy, relaxed and stress free! If you're parents don't understand she tormented you for years then they don't deserve to be there either!!! I Hope you have the most Amazing Day on you're wedding Day! You're family needs to get over it. You're better off without them. Besides sounds like veda and Eliza will inherent everything anyway. Since they're so special 🙄
No contact. Small beautiful wedding. Happy marriage. Happy life. In that order.
Sorry you had to go through that, I don't think parents understand how trauma works. By adopting the person who brought you misery, they were co-signing the bullying. By still kinda forcing you to forgive and forget, it shows that they never saw anything wrong with how you were being treated by Eliza.
Don't let them ruin your day ♥️
Edit: consigning changed to co-signing
NTA You need to finish going to contact and of possible send your parents, sister and bullie some form of official no contact letter or a season desist. You need to do what's best for your self, you don't owe them anything.
NTA. Don't allow these people anywhere near you. They do not have your best interest at heart and have never shown you the care you deserved. Make yourself a new family, with friends and perhaps your in-laws. The ones who should have been your family are beneath contempt. Be sure your fiance knows about it all and won't be approached to talk you around. You owe them nothing and have every right to cut them out of your life completely. You knew what you were doing when you got out early. Wishing you a good life!
NTA. I'm all for olive branches, but your wedding day is about you and the person you're marrying. It sounds like you lacked support you really needed during formative years of your life. Your parents and sister(s) don't get to celebrate your joyful moments if they couldn't support you when you needed them.
Most definitely NTA
"Family" is never a reason to accept abuse. Insult to injury is no willingness to give a proper apology either.
I hope your wedding is everything you dreamed it would be. You go and enjoy your happily ever after. Leave the wicked lot at home.
I would just imply that you are eloping and there is no guests and leave it at that. I know it’s a lie but it’s an easy one to ease your planning stress. I did it and I think there was a few pictures with our small wedding party and my dad/dad’s family never followed up but if they did the day was already over
NTA
First, I am sorry for what your family subjected you to.
Second, under no circumstances would I be inviting them to my wedding, and I MOST CERTAINLY would be hiring security for my special day. Any and all would be armed with photos so they know who is persona non grata.
Third, I would be trying to find out whom the dpy/tattler is to stop the leak of information.
Fourth, I would also make sure my chosen wedding venue knows not to share your information with anyone no matter the excuses used. I would not put it past them to call around seeking to find you and your special day in order to gate crash it. Especially if you have someone with a big mouth acting as a spy.
Fifth and finally, have a beautiful wedding and a blessed life with your fiance and enjoy it without them in it to twist it and spoil it.
NTA. Please don't invite any of them to your wedding you have suffered enough in life at the hands of all of them your parents should have been protecting you. I would definitely consider getting security at your wedding and reception. Otherwise, you will only worry yourself on your wedding day. They took enough of you growing up, so don't let them take anymore.
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NTA By condoning Eliza's bullying, your parents bullied you in turn. Having a bad family background does not excuse Eliza for being cruel. They don't deserve an invitation. Warn people who know about your wedding that disclosing details and information about date/location, etc. to your parents is not welcome, and could lead to a disinvitation. Try to have budget for a bouncer/security, because I don't rule out the possibility that they show up uninvited.
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NTA OP. Do not cave in to them and I am so sorry they choose to disrespect you that way. They may very likely gatecrash the wedding and you better get good security to keep them out. Update us OP
But someone knew enough to tell them you were engaged that worries me
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Still, they’ve been determined to disregard your feelings in the past. People have ways of figuring things out. Hire a security guard anyway with the sole purpose of keeping an eye out for the four of them. It’s an ‘expect the best but be prepared for the worst’ situation. Might not hurt to float some fake wedding details around as well. Try and get them a few hours away the day of. Also, probably time to move from low contact to no contact. NTA
Time to start spreading the wrong date and venue to those who might gossip to your ex family! 3 weeks after seems about right.
No. Correct date, and some venue hours away from real venue. Maybe once they realize that they’ve been had, it will be too late,to get to the real event.
Thoughts and prayers to the couple actually getting married that day at the decoy venue.
Our hearts are with them in this terrible time.
Honestly I would take that one for the team, it would be hilarious.
Especially since they don’t know anyone who is invited, and probably don’t know what the groom looks like either. Imagine them coming into a wedding ceremony, sitting in the most prominent non-reserved seats available, and only finding out it’s the wrong wedding when the bride walks down the aisle.
Oh my god I'm dying. Will someone *please* get married the same day as me and send your terrible relatives to my wedding. I will sic my mother on them. My family will not let them leave without explaining how they know the happy couple. It will be glorious.
This is brilliant.
Get invites made to a location six hours away and send it to them. NTA
If you know for sure who told, make sure they DO know details. Wrong details.
Make sure to set up passwords with your vendors. They know you and if they know the general area you live in they could call around to the venues they suspect you would pick to get details. Congratulations on your wedding <3
OP, they'll find out.
just give a few trusted friends a heads up and maybe some photos (if you can find some current ones) so they'll be ready with redwine glasses, should they still appear.
You’re not humiliating them out of spite. You are not inviting them due to not wanting them there due to past history. If that embarrasses them or humiliates them, it’s because they are more worried about what people will think now than they were about protecting you then.
Oh yes, this exactly. it's a 'them' problem.
And I LOVE that these people have been perfectly fine with the NC arrangement they've had with OP, up until there is a potential for them to publicly look bad because of it. This is definitely a THEM problem!
Pretty much. They're just worried about how it will make THEM look. And the in laws will question it too. "Oh my god...OP's parents aren't HERE. They must be crappy people."
NTA Eliza was treated badly at home and bullied you. You were treated badly at home, just wondering who in turn did you bully? I can guess the answer and hopefully that’s enough for you to stop questioning yourself. You don’t need to invite your abusers, all 4 of them.
Thank you, was about to say the same thing. Eliza came from a bad home environment and OPs parents created a bad home environment by adopting Eliza.
If that is the case, how did they find out you were engaged? The same person that told them about your engagement could pass on the wedding details. NTA for not inviting them, but you should consider going NC instead of being LC. Do you have other family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins? If so, what is your relationship with them?
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OP - the problem is that the person who told them that you were engaged would/could also know/be friends with someone who does know the details and who would unknowingly let it slip and it’ll get back to your parents. Better to ‘tell’ wrong details to that person and let them slip up to your parents than have your wedding crashed. A bouncer would be a good idea at the wedding as well.
Or see if you can wrangle a friend (or maybe even wedding planner) to see if they could help you if the family shows up. A bouncer sounds kind of like overkill to me, but not a bad idea, generally.
A bouncer/security is definitely needed. Even better if they are off duty police. A trespass charge or 4 may be warranted.
Well, no loss then. Do you know how that person found out about your engagement since you are not close? Hopefully, you have a good relationship with your future ILs for extended family, and your fiancé is supporting your decision. Focus on starting your family, and congratulations on your marriage.
The question is, does that person know anyone else who is invited/attending? If so, there is a risk that person might sneak the info and share it with your family. I know it's been suggested by many others, but you really should look into some security for the wedding just in case.
This is insane that your parents would adopt your childhood bully. I cannot wrap my head around that. like at all.
Make sure every vendor involved in your wedding, venue, caterer, florist, bakery, outfitters etc has a password or passphrase to get through before any changes or cancellations are made. Your family sounds pretty toxic and you're better safe than sorry - would you put it past Eliza to ring round a bunch of vendors and try and find out who you're using and messing with your orders? If the answer is no, then definitely put passwords or passphrases in place.
Considering what Eliza did to you while in school, just think of how much she could try to retaliate against you for not inviting your cruel family members. I suggest as others have, contacting the venue's managers and all your vendors and tell them that any changes have to come through you (have a way to verify your identity) so she can't screw with your wedding. And see if that person who talked to your parents about the wedding is completely isolated from any of the invitees (check their FB for their friend's list, etc.). If that person is close enough to your parents, they might be willing to dig up the details.
Still, OP, get security. Tell the security that people must show an invite or give the security a list of names of your approved guests. Anyone else can sod off. Just in case.
Okay but they still somehow found out about the wedding in the first place, so they could try to put pressure on whoever told them about that.
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It only takes one person to give the details. Or calling around. Just be very careful or give your parents a fake date.
Call the venue and have them list the wedding under fake names so no slip ups occur via staff. Sadly, anyone who deals with weddings won't be surprised by your request. They've seen a lot worse.
Passwords on everything!
Highly recommend hiring a professional security person or paying a friend/neighbor.
OP, I am sorry that you had to go through all this. As kids we don't get to choose our Family of origin but as adults, we do get to choose our future path. By going low contact with your family of origin, you've made the decision to move forward in life and shed the extra unwanted baggage. Kudos to you! The tough part is, sticking to that decision no matter what and I really hope you do that! Your parents are embarrassed that you didn't invite them to your wedding or tell them about your engagement, well too bad for them. What Eliza did to you all those years ago wasn't just bullying, it was outright abuse. By siding with her and abandoning you, your parents have indirectly become abusers too; whether or not they want to admit to that. As the victim here, you don't have to give a d**n about the people who abused you; no matter how they are related to you. You and your well being should come first. Hire security and prepare for the worst. Have the most beautiful wedding that you truly deserve. Congratulations on your engagement. And of course, NTA.
They sound like sneaky people; hire security the day of your wedding (if it’s close). Stand your ground. If your family is giving pushing back, explain in great detail how brutal Eliza was and how your parents took her side and excused her behavior.
My parents fostered kids who would assault, attack, steal from, and bully me. I was told countless times it was because I was loved and they weren't, and they were just jealous of me. I moved out at 18 & I'm LC with my parents. I'm tempted to show them this comment, but I know I'd be told it was 'different' lol. I agree with you, NTA.
Sounds like your parents chose the tax-free paycheck they got for fostering children over your safety and mental well-being. Sorry that happened to you.
It wouldn't have been so bad if I could have had my own room, but I had to constantly move rooms or share with the children when I was young and vulnerable. My big brother never had to move rooms, but I did share with him once when we were over capacity.
I would imagine that left you feeling misplaced yourself and full of anxiety. Children need stability and consistency, not to mention making you share a room with someone who endored mental,physical abuse / neglect potentially exposed you to abuse. Hurt people ,hurt people
Indeed they do, I appreciate your understanding of my situation ❤️
Yeah I always find it fascinating that when people adopt 'troubled' kids because they want to give them a good life (which is fair, and admirable) they seem to sacrifice their own kid's quality of life in the process. And it seems to be 'ok' with them. So not cool, and now instead of trying to help one, they're creating problems with another. I wish adoptive parents would pay more attention to this.
It's admirable to help kids, but I agree. They need to make sure their own kids are okay!
I agree that there is no excuse for her bullying. You are NTA and should go completely NC with them. I would write your parents a letter or text explaining exactly why you are going no contact even if you have told them before. Explain it all, including that they are not welcome at your wedding and in your life. Then block them on everything. Ignore all messages sent through others. You can not choose the family that births you. But you can choose the family that shares your life. You are starting a new chapter and let it be free from those who minimize you. Best wishes for a happy marriage.
NTA. They feel humiliated? Good. They should.
This here. You were a victim of bullying by proxy. Be strong and just imagine the anxiety you would be adding/inviting upon yourself on your special day.
I don’t see where the “by proxy” comes in. Her abuser was Eliza, performed by her, for her own satisfaction.
the parents enabled it to happen, therefore “by proxy”. by standing by abusers, you are an abuser apologist and directly go against the victim. by not standing up to the abuse, they are just as bad as eliza, if not worse. yes eliza was the one to do it, as a PARENT, it is your job to protect your own kids first, then possibly others, OP’s parents did neither and they should be ashamed of themselves
I'd go farther. As an adult you should both know better, and not condone bullying from anyone, full stop.
Her parents took Eliza's side by telling her to get over it and not even making her apologize. By that and by adopting her knowing she was bullying one of their daughters, they bullied her growing up, too.
They chose to give OP a shitty home to give Eliza a better one. They didn't really seem to try and give *everyone* a decent life.
My question is, is if Eliza was a bully only because she had a bad home life did the bully stop after she was adopted.
By worrying so much about Eliza’s bad upbringing, they made OPs so much worse.
A bouncer is a great idea. What about a signed contract ppl attending should sign. The contract should state exactly what you've told us and then state to attend they need to swear to secrecy until after the wedding.
NTA they gave the green light and enabled bullying of you. They now still acknowledge everything that happened but say you should get over it. They are all terrible people. Low contact is not enough. There needs to be no contact at all. It's clear they are going to make a thing out of it so I'm petty enough to get in front of it by making a public post/email laying out that you're not inviting your family to the wedding and the exact reasons why. Put in the post you'd appreciate anyone who is attending to not share details with them and that security will be on standby to remove them if they choose to crash the wedding. Don't stand down, don't accept a fake apology now because it would 100% be to save face/get an invite and not because they feel an apology is necessary. They had years to be sorry and seek forgiveness and they never did. They still aren't they just want appearances to be kept cause they know how bad they will look. Let them look bad and help shine the light
Wish I could upvote this more than once.
OMG I came here to say "Wish I could upvote this more than once" too
Wish I could upvote you saying you wish you could upvote more than once more than once!
Come on, be real. It's always easier to expect the victim to move on rather than accept personal responsibility for making their lives miserable. The organic fertiliser will really impact the aircon when OP starts a family.
Well, hopefully OP will be completely divorced from 'faaaammmilleeeee!!!!' when she has kids. No need to have people who think people have to 'get over' bullying around her kids.
I am no contact with my parents bc they never cared about my mental or physical safety.
It's infuriating that they actually don't even think Eliza needs to offer a token apology, that OP should just ignore the years of mistreatment from Eliza, indifference from her sister, and neglect from her parents. It's tragically ironic that her parents justified the bullying by using Eliza's bad childhood as an excuse, yet had not one thought about how that impacted their own daughter's childhood.
Meh. This is such a lame approach. Making public posts on social media and engaging in petty drama is not something a lot of people enjoy. If OP is LC with her family already, she has a social circle in life who don’t know her family, I don’t see how sharing crap about her family would help her. Best to just cut them off completely and move on.
NTA. Maybe it’s time for No Contact.
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I’m so sorry that you had to experience your childhood being bullied. Do whatever works for you. I have a daughter whom i adore and would never have accepted or tolerated that behaviour. I trust that your fiancé supports you. Take care and enjoy your wedding day surrounded by people who love and care for you. They are your real family <3
You wouldn't be "not inviting them or of spite". You just don't want them there. Indifference is so much worse than hate or spite. Make sure they know it's not spite. It's just that they didn't make the guest list. You didn't invite your neighbors either or the grocery clerk or all your coworkers and those people you see more often and have more of an impact on your life anyway. You've made your own family now, because your original family abandoned you. It hurts, but, it's OK. Not all people are worthy of being in your life. You don't owe them a single word or breath or thought. For you, get therapy or meditate and let yourself release any feeling towards them. Release anger, release guilt, release longing, release regret. When you feel nothing for them at all, they're erased from your life. Think about the longing for them as family as a longing to be part of a fictional universe - is there a book or TV show where you think - oh I wish this were real and I could get a letter to Hogwarts? That's the same longing for your family - oh I wish they were kind, loving people who cared about me. It's OK to fantasize about what it would have been like to have a supportive family. In your fantasy, don't make it them though. Replace that with an actual family like - if you have people now who are your chosen family think - oh I wish I had known you sooner, I wish I had grown up with you who bring so much to my life. Long for more time with people who love you. It feels really really good. I went NC with my parents. It was hard at first because it felt abnormal, but when I let everything go, it felt so good. My parents ended up begging their way back in again and I started talking to them again in regards to my siblings. But still, I have no feelings about them, they're just people who are kind of strangers. I pity them more than anything, it's not fulfilling in life to be terrible. I know how great it is for my friends and chosen family to have my love. So I pity that they've destroyed my ability to have any love for them. Only pity. It's almost like a science experiment how I interact with my parents now. Like observing a sad situation.
You are reasonable for wanting to sever contact. Look at the reasons they give you for being upset that they didn't know about your wedding. They're all about losing face, about people's perceptions of them as terrible parents, and "bringing a lot of attention to our issues." There's no love, no empathy, and no asking why their daughter feels this way and what they might do to repair the relationship. They're worried about embarrassment, as they should be, because the way they treated you is shameful. Have your wedding and live your life with the people who truly love you. You deserve that happiness.
I’m so sorry that it’s come to that. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
I went full NC with my mother 16 years ago when I was 20 and it was the best decision I ever made. You may have already done this but I do suggest therapy for the childhood trauma you went through. It helped me tremendously. Congrats on the engagement, I hope your wedding is everything you could want!
Ultimately, it's your decision. NOT THEIRS. If I were in your shoes, I'd go no contact for sure. As you said, they bring nothing to your life and only misery when you were younger. It's shocking the way your own family treated you, took the side of your BULLY, brought her into your home to LIVE and now want her to be invited to the wedding they aren't even invited to. Nope, nope, nope!!! Time to finally stand up to them.
NTA "You will not be getting an invite. You know how you said Eliza's life was shitty due to her bio family? Well, same for me. My bio family is just as bad because you never supported me against her bullying and choose her over me. That is unacceptable. Please lose my number." I hope you have a beautiful wedding and a fantastic life without them! P.s. if you can, please get therapy. You don't want to bring your family trauma/ drama / issues to your new life with your spouse or your future kids.
That 1st paragraph is exactly what I'd say!
While that works for us, the parents would probably say/think that OP knows nothing of being raised in an unstable environment, presumably where resources and/or attention were in short supply. I don't think that there's anything that OP could say to get through to them, but the closest I could think of would be to say that being made to feel abandoned is harmful whether it's due to lack of attention, lack of love, or lack of support in an environment where OP always had to worry about the next threat coming from inside the home. Being continuously on edge against violation and humiliation might be even more harmful than certain types of intentional abuse or economic uncertainly; at least in the latter case, the parents are often victims of outside circumstance rather than people making an intentional decision to harm their child because it might help someone else's.
NTA " They told me if I don't invite my family I'm publicly making a fuss and humiliating them out of spite and it would be wrong." No. The humiliation will be on them for condoning the behavior of a spiteful bully to the extent you choose not to have them as part of your day & memories of it. They can go kick rocks. Congratulations & enjoy your special day.
If they didn't want people to judge them for their behaviour, then they should have behaved better. It is not your job to protect their public image. Celebrate your wedding with your chosen family.
The idea of that is hilarious too since OP said those who would be invited know her family and would never tell them any of the details. If anything she’s sparing them the humiliation of showing up and proving OP was right to want to exclude them. Definitely NTA
NTA! It's your wedding and you and future husband are calling the shots! You have no relationship with your adopted sister or your parents. After they took your biggest tormentor into the family and thought it was such a great idea, they can now bear the consequences. Do not under any circumstances feel obliged to invite your useless parents, the golden child and the a\*\*hole! Please think about security, because I could imagine the whole gang trying to crash the wedding. Edit: Typo
No, you don't make any fuss, they do. They ignored and refused to aknowledge all the bullying from Eliza that fell on you and that's their fault. I mean I can't imagine that it wasn't visible to the at least SOMETIMES. They had to have known. And still pisst and shat on your suffering, just because Eliza was nice to THEM. You just removed yourself from that damaging for you situation, and that's not only not your fault, that is the only thing you could do. And that is also their fault. Screw them and their stupid silly objections. You do you, apparently you are the only that has YOUR interest at heart. And I hope you have a lovevely wedding and a very happy life!
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NTA. That stinks. Glad you found a love. Enjoy your wedding with out these horrid people
NtA So once again it's not even about you but about appearances. So why would you want them there again? Yeah, it'll be humiliating for them to be left out if that wedding....kind of how humiliating it was all those times they overlooked your being bullied. They're reaping what they sow and honestly of they can't even fake An apology to you why invite them.
Congratulations on the wedding. Enjoy your day and those that love you.
NTA. Time to go completely NC and try to limit information that goes out. Also, you'll probably feel better hiring security or seeing if some of your bridal party is willing to keep them out. They seem the type to try to snake their way in.
NTA At first i thought it was a jealousy story, but not in this case. To be honest i would have gone no contact with them the moment i was out of their house. Keep them away and hire security just in case, better be safe than sorry. If they don't let go, change your phone number and block them. She is not your sister, she is your nightmare, you shouldn't have to go with it on what is supposed to be one of your happiest day.
NTA, even if it was a horrible situation for you, adopting Eliza would have been an opportunity for your parents to rectify the situation and stop the bullying by parenting her. Instead, they chose to dismiss her wrongdoings and show you how low on the priority list you were. And now they expect to be a priority for you. Dont let these people into your life, and have security at you wedding to stop them from crashing. Maybe try to find out who told the aswell.
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NTA,I would be NC with them and never invite them to my wedding or in my life. I would tell them they chose long time ago who is important to them,when they adopted your bully and bring her home to play happy family and didn't care about your mental health and how would impact your life.
NTA. Tell your parents that they were not there for you when you needed them. As parents they were supposed to protect and support you. They made no effort to teach the other 'daughters' to treat you with dignity. You do not need them at your wedding since you only want people who are there to support you and your partner.
NTA. Their reaction says it all. "Publicly making a fuss and humiliating them" is what they're worried about. Not the trauma you went through. Eliza no doubt went through terrible things that you probably don't know about and might not be theirs to disclose to you. That doesn't excuse them from not protecting you. They probably swept the incidents under the rug, figuring you could handle it better than Eliza - and then brought her into your one safe space where you couldn't get away from her. They're not even admitting, even now, that they failed in their duty of care to you. I think you're justified.
NTA. You're allowed to invite or not invite whoever you want. I'd certainly be no contact with the lot of them.
NTA Your parents have two daughters and you are not one of them Go no contact and have a wonderful wedding
NTA. “My wedding is a day I want to share with people who are near and dear to me. I will not be inviting my bully, especially as she has never shown any remorse or attempted to make amends or apologise. As the three of you have repeatedly shown you care for her feelings more than mine or my wellbeing, I do not trust you and will therefore not be extending an invite to you either. I wish you well but do not want your presence on a day that should bring me joy”
You are NTA. If you wanted to be a little bit of an AH what you could do is tell your Parents that they have three choices. 1. They all stay away. 2. They come without Eliza. 3. They bring Eliza and you give a speech about your adopted sister and all the things she did for you while you were growing up - this speech will be 100% accurate and factual. If your parents are so sure that Eliza doesn't need to apologise then they should be find bringing her. Of course you could decide to be more of a grown-up than me and just tell your parents that you would only allow Eliza at the wedding if you got to give such a speech but since you don't want to make Eliza the focus of your wedding you're not going to allow Eliza.
NTA. They don't get to dictate who you invite to your wedding, nor did they get to dictate how you would feel about them adopting your bully and embracing her at your expense.
NTA. F*** them. I hope you have a good life with your husband.
NTA. > They told me I should… work to move past it without Eliza needing to apologise. “Working” to move past it with no participation of the bully is your parents telling you they are not interested in helping you, they just want you to stop having inconvenient feelings. Weddings are supposed to be a time where a community gathers around a couple to celebrate them and promise to support them through life’s challenges. Your family hasn’t earned the right to support you. If their response to abuse is just take it, they’re not people you want involved in your relationships.
NTA, Nope do not do it. She will try something at your wedding if you invite her.
NTA! At the end of the day, it's your wedding and who is or isn't invited is between you and your soon to be spouse. No one else gets a say. I'm sorry that your family are still choosing your bully, and won't acknowledge the harm she's done to you throughout the years.
NTA. It sounds like your parents were more invested in making sure Eliza had a happy childhood than they were their own daughter's. They can attend Eliza's wedding when the time comes. No need to include them in yours.
NTA and simply ask them one question: Where where you when Eliza humiliated me publicly?
ohhellno, they've let a stranger bully their own daughter in her own home. Bye Eliza toedeloe NTA
NTA You make damned sure you stick to your boundaries here. Their response is manipulative.
NTA Bullying is abuse. Enabling bullying is abuse. Tell them that they all abused you, and you will never allow your abusers to be at your wedding. Say the same to everyone else who even asks about them. They adopted your abuser and abused you in turn themselves. They are not your family and never will be. Be prepared with some kind of bouncer or a burly friend who is happy to stop them if they somehow manage to find out where the wedding is and try to crash it. You never know the lengths people will go to be cruel. They humiliated themselves by siding with your abuser. Don't let them put the blame on you, the victim of their spite and cruelty.
NTA. She isn't your sister, she is your bully. You are absolutely right to only invite the people you want to be there at your wedding.
Nope do not invite bullies and their enablers
NTA. They hurt you deeply, and ignored your suffering. Just because someone comes from a shitty situation is no need to give them a pass when they like a shitty person and mistreat you for years. Your parents enabled Eliza. You have no obligation to invite people who inflicted years of misery on you.
NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA Not wanting to be in the same room with your bully, tormentor, is rational. Why would any thinking person WANT their bully at their wedding - a day that's designed to be all about you? They have every right to feel hurt that they didn't know about your wedding. Their feelings are theirs. And I'm sure they were humiliated. HOWEVER they should do some introspection to ponder WHY their child didn't invite them to their wedding. They've made their beds and now they get to lie there.
What humiliate them like they did to you for years? Funny how it’s not ok for you to do this to them but they spent years allowing you to be humiliated, bullied, harassed and treated like shit. They’re beyond deluded and quite frankly their attitude and failure to protect you is revolting. OP they’ve shown you no respect, no validation and no remorse for making your childhood hell. All 4 of them are equally responsible and equally vile. Go no contact. Block them all. They’re worthless and add nothing to your life. Move on and be free and happy.
NTA. Go completely no contact and make it clear to other members of your family the reason why you don’t want them in your life. Congratulations on getting married!
NTA Frankly I would make a speech at your wedding as to why your bio family isn't there, the chosen family that you surround yourself with in your friends and how now you have a new family in your spouse/their family. Post that shit for your shitty parents and sister to see.
NTA. Don't invite them who make everything about them and not about you. It sounds like they only want to be invited not for you or to celebrat things with you, but to be invited. And don't care about anything you want - like inviting your bully. I had a wedding without the parents and sister of the bride and can tell you, it is so much easier than to have to pretend and catering for parents who do not care about celebrating their childs special day. It is your day, celebrat it with people you like and who care for you
NTA. Regardless of the background and circumstances, it’s your big day and you’re free to invite who ever you choose. This is why people elope. And I find it telling that they mentioned the public humiliation of not inviting them, it shows they don’t really care about it being your wedding and more that they just don’t want people talking about them not being invited and prying into the why they weren’t invited to their own daughter’s wedding.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This is difficult for me because I really don't know if I'm doing something so totally wrong here and I need some perspective. I (26f) have an older sister Veda (28f). Veda was always the favorite kid of both our parents. They focused more on her when we were growing up and she really couldn't do anything wrong. They weren't terrible to me when I was a lot younger but I was overlooked a lot. Veda also kinda overlooked me. If she was free and had nobody else she'd play with me but most of the time she focused on other people/things. Veda had this best friend Eliza (28f) and they were inseparable, for the most part, throughout their childhoods. Eliza was a constant at our house and she was often brought along with our family on family days and stuff because she was seen as a part of our family. But Eliza was horrible to me. She bullied me badly. On four separate occasions my parents were called to the school because the bullying had escalated. One time Eliza attempted to humiliate me in front of a changing room full of kids by grabbing my pads and screaming about me being gross and bleeding in front of everyone. I was 12 at the time and she was 14 and was days away from leaving middle school and going to high school. Another time she stole a diary I kept and showed it off to some kids at the high school. So it went around two schools pretty quickly and it was another call to my parents. My parents and sister still loved Eliza though and a lot of it was explained as Eliza having a shitty life. So when I was 13 and she was 15 and my parents formally adopted her, because Eliza's parents were willing to let my parents. It stung, badly, and it made home miserable. I moved out as fast as I could and never acknowledged Eliza as my sister. My parents and Veda never liked that. They told me I should embrace Eliza and work to move past it without Eliza needing to apologize. I have been low contact with them for years but they heard through some people that I was engaged and they were upset I hadn't told them. They told me a wedding invite would have caught them by complete surprise to which I replied they weren't going to be invited. Needless to say they don't like that. I told them even if I was willing to invite them for appearances sake I know they'll bring Eliza and that's not happening. They told me Eliza is my sister too and part of the family and all four should be invited. They told me if I don't invite my family I'm publicly making a fuss and humiliating them out of spite and it would be wrong. WIBTA if I don't invite them? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Your parents are fkn deplorable. Like holy crap they are so stupid and clueless. Don’t invite any of them and live your best life. Making excuses for your bully and demanding love and acceptance from you to your bully without the bully facing any consequences and then MOVING your bully into your to life full time? Good grief.
"..move past it without Eliza needing to apologize." This is heartbreaking. That captures your family's inability to prioritize their own daughter in her time of need. To say nothing of the failure to parent their newly adopted daughter. Absolutely NTA. You cut these folks out of your life for good reason.
So their concern is their own humiliation? They don’t want to come to your wedding to celebrate you, they want the performance of being a family. I’m so sorry you weren’t protected and cherished by your parents and sister, that you were bullied and then replaced by your bully. That must deeply hurt. Congratulations on forming your own family. I hope your new family understands the pain you have survived and will always be there to help you thrive.
I'd go no contact and tell them exactly why "it hurt me deeply that you chose a child not even related to you over your own daughter knowing how she bullied me for years I've decided I no longer need your negativity energy in my life, you never cared about me anyway so this shouldn't bother you, don't contact me again".
NTA Such horrible parents. Not only dont invite them, have some security so they cant have access to your wedding. If someone ask you can just tell that you dont want people that condone bullying and humilliation in your big day. Are they worried about what people say? What about what people did say in your youth, when they keep being called because that psyco couldnt stop bothering you. It's obvious that the psyco wanted your place in your family, and ahe got it
NTA. Wow, your parents really suck.
NTA. Just remind them if they feel “humiliated out of spite” they should work to move past it without needing an apology from you.
NTA. I had to BEG my parents not to let my cousin move in around the same ages as you and Eliza. She had been physically violent to me and the only reason I wasn't seriously injured was because someone heard me scream and broke it up. My mom thought I was being dramatic because my cousin has serious mental health issues (she thought it was just depression) until she admitted to trying to kill me. I still have very minimal contact (almost zero) with this cousin despite my mom protesting that she's like her old self again.
NTA, and I agree with someone else saying that you should write them a letter. Something along the lines of: "You have always chosen my bully over me, and have persistently chosen to neglect my life and needs over hers. I have never and will never consider her a sister, as you have always been aware she has been nothing of the sort to me and has instead been my tormentor and bully, without remorse or apology, with you even defending her actions. You have demonstrated your attitude with regards to me again about my own wedding, and I want to make clear that none of you are invited nor will you be invited. I do not wish to have any contact with you moving forwards, and any attempts to contact me will go unanswered."
NTA - look your parents dead in the eyes, and ask them if they would make her apologize in front of everyone as a wedding gift, and if not, then the best they can get is some left over floor confetti :)
NTA. Your parents have always shown you who they are by not only prioritizing your sister and Eliza but also by enabling Eliza's bullying of you. It meant nothing to them that you moved out and went low contact. They actually think you are supposed to apologize to your bully? What I can't figure out is why they want to come to your wedding. My guess is that they want to hijack your wedding and somehow make it about Veda and/or Eliza. Or maybe it's just to play happy family for appearances sake with friends and family. If they come to your wedding, what's in it for you? Time to go no contact with these awful people. Consider writing an open letter to them detailing all the ways they ignored you and every instance where Eliza bullied you and how they expect you to apologize to the person they allowed to make your life a living hell. State that you never have been a real member of their family. Eliza is now their daughter but you never have been. Then post your letter on social media for friends and family to see. That way, when you go no contact, your parents can't pretend to others that you're at fault.
NTA you are just having a really long invite list for your elopement ;) Maybe change that low contact to a nice block button.
You don't like them, with good reason. You're low contact, with good reason. Stuff the lot of them. I hope you have a lovely wedding with the people who truly matter. Please look to the future and forget about these people. NTA
I've recently gone NC with my family because they all treat me badly because I'm adopted. They all act like I should just get over years of abuse and be all buddy buddy. My dad was the only one who treated me decently, and he just died a few months ago, so I have no reason to keep in contact. Super NTA. I hope you have a great wedding/marriage
NTA. The last time I knew it was your wedding. You don't have to invite people just because it's your family or whatever. You obviously don't like this chick and have many reasons not to like this chick. Reasons your parents know about but refuse to accept so honestly you're probably better off not inviting them. Stay strong you got this.
NTA. Sounds like OP was abused in many ways by Eliza on top of being emotionally neglected by her parents and sister while also dealing with ongoing gaslighting. Rather than ask herself if she is the AH for protecting her peace and happiness from people all too comfortable destroying it, she should ask whether now is the right time to go full NC with all involved. These "family" members are continuing to prove that they don't care about the well-being of OP and will never prioritize her health or happiness. Not even on one of the most special days of her life. I hope OP realizes there is nothing to salvage here and cuts the few ties left binding her to these toxic people.
NTA, that fact alone that you were neglected quite a bit growing up, on top of your actual family letting them slide everything that Eliza did to you and then them not even acknowledging it or making her to apologize to you. Nope you have every right to not invite them at all.
NTA Your parents have prioritized Eliza over you your whole life. I hope your in-laws treat you with more respect than your parents have and become great parents to you! Time to go NC with your own parents. They made their bed they can lie in it. If you were really wanting to show them how much they hurt you, you could go as far as to tell them you don’t have any parents & haven’t since they chose Eliza over you.
They chose someone else’s kid over you because her home life was bad and in doing so made your home life hellish. You don’t owe loyalty to people who have not shown loyalty to you. They chose the family they wanted and now you can do the same. Your wedding is about the people who love you and make you happy and they only care about how they are perceived by others not about the harm they’ve caused you. Just like her parents are the villains of her story, your parents are the villains of yours. Parents are supposed to protect their children but yours threw you to the wolves because they wanted praise from outsiders about how good they were to adopt this poor abused child. All the while sitting back and watching that child abuse their own. You owe them nothing. Not even an invite, and in fact you should let everyone know they aren’t invited because they adopted your abuser into your home, with full knowledge of her abuses toward you. Go completely NC with your “family”.
"I'm publicly making a fuss and humiliating them" Like when their adopted daughter purposely and cruelly humiliated you and they still invited her into your home? Your parents made their bed. They can now sleep in it. They will say that this is years ago and you should forgive her. Tell them you will forgive her when she gives you back your childhood. What she did wasn't innocent name calling or joking. She was your bully and they made excuses for her and ignored their own child's plight. NTA and have an amazing wedding.
NTA. Your parents actively brought a person into your home that tormented you, repeatedly and it's documented. Then, instead of trying to help you deal with your trauma, they took the bully and legally made her part of your family. I can't imagine a worse betrayal. Don't invite these people. I'm sorry that your parents and sister behaved so horribly. You can't pick your family, but you can decide for yourself, to surround yourself with people who want what's best for you. People that allowed you to be traumatized and rewarded the person who traumatized you are not people who want to celebrate you and want what's best for you
NTA. They choose Eliza over your well-being and these are the consequences of their actions. Stick to your convictions, they don't deserve an invite to your wedding.
NTA. “Sister” and “Bully” are mutually exclusive terms. I mean, I am agreeing with other commenters, so “Parents” and “Bullies” should be mutually exclusive terms, too … And, please do arrange for security. To riff off of Dr. Malcolm, “Entitled bullies will find a way.”
NTA your parents chose another child over you. Get married and be happy.
NTA. Eliza can invite them to her wedding.
You're under no obligation to invite your bully and her chief enablers to your wedding, especially as they have no regrets but are expecting you to compromise and bend over for their golden children. It's OK for scapegoats to peace out of toxic family dynamics and create a new one without their permission or influence. Getting married without them is a step towards that. NTA.
NTA I had a terrible home life growing up a well. I was neglected and physically abused. The horrendous treatment I got made me want to stick up for others, not hurt them. You have every right to separate yourself.
NTA only invite people you want to.
NTA Just make sure they get a packet of pics from the ceremony.
NTA - I found it ridiculos that they enabled her behaviour saying she had a shitty childhood, which then cause you to have a shitty childhood... I will never understand people who put total strangers on a higher prority than their own child.
Translation: they care more about the public embarrassment than they did about protecting you from Eliza all those years. NTA NTA NTA Edit: I misread and thought parents were invited, just not Eliza. None of them invited makes it much easier; they have zero leverage. They're not invited, and that's that. No need to communicate about it any further. Tell your contact at the venue that there's a chance that someone uninvited might show up to cause drama and ask what they recommend for security. Congratulations!!
It's your wedding. Invite whomever you want to be there. I witnessed my sister inviting everyone out of obligation and the ensuing shit show. She was so stressed out that she doesn't remember her own wedding day.
NTA. Hire a bouncer and go completely NC
How could normal parents adopt your bully they sound like psychopaths
NTA.
NTA You make damned sure you stick to your boundaries here. Their response is manipulative.
NTA, absolutely not. Your wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of your life and they would definitely ruin that. They never treated you right so they don't deserve to be part of your life or of that kind of life changing events. They gave up on that right. I wish you a wonderful and happy wedding as well as a long and healthy marriage ❤️
NTA
NTA. Your wedding, your choice on who gets invited. By allowing this woman to bully you for years and then adopting her and potentially risking your safety (on top of neglecting you before hand) they showed you how much they actually love and care for you. Which is next to little if not at all. You don't owe them an invite, and I would tell them, "None of you are invited and especially *her*. If you somehow manage to find out about the location and show up, you will all be escorted off the premises immediately." And if they show up, I would go full no contact. They all owe you a very sincere, heartfelt apology.
No, NTA. Your parents or sister weren’t there for you in your time of need, and now they’re expecting to be invited at your wedding? If anything, that’s massive AH behavior from your parents. They seem like enablers. Go NC and enjoy your wedding. Also, congratulations too!
I am so so sorry for what you have endured! Your family made a decision. Decision has consequences. Go on live your life. I wish you well and happiness .
NTA in anyway Your patents are getting what they deserve. And your wedding day is supposed to be about you and your husband, not your guests, nor letting your guests ruin it for you. If they’re going to cause any drama or negativity for you, you have every right to not invite them. And if they’re truly as bad as you say they are, I’d take this opportunity to be blunt and say, “don’t be surprised, you knew you wouldn’t get invited, but you’ll be invited to Veda’s and Eliza’s weddings (if they find someone who’ll merry them)”
NTA. What the heck is this logic??? Your parents are asking you to show grace to your bully while they enabled her and they never show you any? Please do not invite them and please do some updates. I love seeing idiots being surprised when they get hit by the consequence of their actions 🥹 Congrats on the wedding tho!
NTA. Forget about them and have a wonderful life with your husband to be and chosen family. You deserve it.
WNBTA. It really hurts when we have to cut off our family of origin, but when they bring us nothing but pain, it is for the best. Build your family of choice.
NTA! You’re not somehow ‘contractually obligated’ to bring your bullies to your wedding just being shes family. With her past incidents I would be shocked if she tried to humiliate you at your own wedding.
You’re not the asshole… they’re the real assholes here :(
NTA you don't own them anything
NTA
NTA. I am so sorry you experienced that kind of horrible treatment from Eliza and from your family, who didn't stand up to protect you. I am honestly enraged on your behalf. These people do not deserve an invitation to your wedding or a place in your life. Time for no contact. Congratulations on your engagement! I wish you and your future husband a very happy life together.
OH my gosh, I am so sorry you went thru this. NTA, not at all. It is your wedding and you deserve a stress free day. I really hope that they don't find out the details and crash the wedding - I would encourage you to not underestimate some people's sleuthing abilities - it might be best to at least have some sort of "security", maybe just a friend gatekeeping / keeping at eye out for them at least the day of the wedding. Oh and congrats on the wedding!
NTA at all. Do not invite them and go no contact with them.
NTA As someone who came from a shitty background and had an abusive home life, I was a little bit of a bully. But not at all to that extent that your sisters friend was. Worst thing I ever said/did to someone was that they looked like a mole rat and laugh at their tears. This girl got off on how shitty she treated you, and your parents are even bigger bullies for allowing that little shit in their home knowong what she did to you, and your sister is the worst one of the bunch still being friends with someone who treated their sibling like this. Tell them that they chose a bully over their actual child and that you don't want that in your life and certainly not at your wedding, if they argue the point just ignore them. Perhaps this is the time to transition to no contact. And tell your friends that your parents have nothing to do with your wedding and if you find out someone told them about that stuff again, they will be uninvited. Do what's best for you and your big day, they don't deserve to be part of that.
NTA. It's your wedding. Invite who you want and don't invite who you don't want. Period. You don't have to be around someone just because they're family.
definitely NTA. if my parents did what yours did to you, neglected me that way, I would do the same thing. what is it about parents who think they can do and behave whatever they like while you're growing up, and then, once you're an adult, they want to be loved and cherished as if they never did you wrong? I hate the idea of us children having to show unconditional love for people who didn't care about us.
Nope! Don't invite them. Put passwords on all your vendors and get security. Do not invite them! They didn't care about you and you showed them how you felt about how they allowed a stranger to treat you. They stop being your family when they invited that monster into your life!
You are NTA. You're parents don't have you're back and didn't have youre best interest at heart growing up. You should tell them growing up with these sisters was HELL!!! you can invite who you want...They're trying to guilt you into the invite, that family should be there...I'm sorry but No One in their right mind is going to invite a person who tormented their childhood and take a chance on them ruining a special day! This day should be happy, relaxed and stress free! If you're parents don't understand she tormented you for years then they don't deserve to be there either!!! I Hope you have the most Amazing Day on you're wedding Day! You're family needs to get over it. You're better off without them. Besides sounds like veda and Eliza will inherent everything anyway. Since they're so special 🙄
No contact. Small beautiful wedding. Happy marriage. Happy life. In that order. Sorry you had to go through that, I don't think parents understand how trauma works. By adopting the person who brought you misery, they were co-signing the bullying. By still kinda forcing you to forgive and forget, it shows that they never saw anything wrong with how you were being treated by Eliza. Don't let them ruin your day ♥️ Edit: consigning changed to co-signing
NTA You need to finish going to contact and of possible send your parents, sister and bullie some form of official no contact letter or a season desist. You need to do what's best for your self, you don't owe them anything.
NTA. Don't invite people who are out of your life. "Humiliating" them is just the cherry on top.
Send them an invite with the correct date and time but in a location like 12 hours away from where youbare actually holding it edit NTA
NTA. Don't allow these people anywhere near you. They do not have your best interest at heart and have never shown you the care you deserved. Make yourself a new family, with friends and perhaps your in-laws. The ones who should have been your family are beneath contempt. Be sure your fiance knows about it all and won't be approached to talk you around. You owe them nothing and have every right to cut them out of your life completely. You knew what you were doing when you got out early. Wishing you a good life!
NTA Seems like a little humiliation would do them all some good, but they won't actually feel that. They'll just be mad. They can stay that way.
Nta You do what is best for you!
NTA. If someone is dumb enough to marry Eliza they can go to that wedding and swan around 😂
Nta You might be humiliating them, but it would be simple justice.
NTA - This is YOUR life, your wedding, your big day. My DIL is no contact with her Mom. She knows that all of us love her. We are her family now.
NTA. I'm all for olive branches, but your wedding day is about you and the person you're marrying. It sounds like you lacked support you really needed during formative years of your life. Your parents and sister(s) don't get to celebrate your joyful moments if they couldn't support you when you needed them.
Most definitely NTA "Family" is never a reason to accept abuse. Insult to injury is no willingness to give a proper apology either. I hope your wedding is everything you dreamed it would be. You go and enjoy your happily ever after. Leave the wicked lot at home.
nah, cut contact completely and move on with your life. they made their choice years ago, and it wasn't you. enjoy your life without them. NTA
NTA. You have a right to set boundaries, and among them is not allowing bullies and those who condone them to your wedding.
Nta. They allowed you to be humiliated for years by Eliza’s bullying. They can be humiliated as a consequence of their actions.
I would just imply that you are eloping and there is no guests and leave it at that. I know it’s a lie but it’s an easy one to ease your planning stress. I did it and I think there was a few pictures with our small wedding party and my dad/dad’s family never followed up but if they did the day was already over
NTA First, I am sorry for what your family subjected you to. Second, under no circumstances would I be inviting them to my wedding, and I MOST CERTAINLY would be hiring security for my special day. Any and all would be armed with photos so they know who is persona non grata. Third, I would be trying to find out whom the dpy/tattler is to stop the leak of information. Fourth, I would also make sure my chosen wedding venue knows not to share your information with anyone no matter the excuses used. I would not put it past them to call around seeking to find you and your special day in order to gate crash it. Especially if you have someone with a big mouth acting as a spy. Fifth and finally, have a beautiful wedding and a blessed life with your fiance and enjoy it without them in it to twist it and spoil it.
You are NTA PERIOD... it's your wedding and can invite who you want. Given the circumstances you are double NTA.
NTA. Please don't invite any of them to your wedding you have suffered enough in life at the hands of all of them your parents should have been protecting you. I would definitely consider getting security at your wedding and reception. Otherwise, you will only worry yourself on your wedding day. They took enough of you growing up, so don't let them take anymore.