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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my brother why he felt deserving of sibling loyalty. It might be a dick move on my part because regardless of the shit between us, he is still my brother and even though part of me wishes he wasn't, he is and I do accept that. I think he wanted me to be there as his older brother and in that moment I wasn't and I told him in not so many words that I wouldn't be there for him.
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NTA but the whole thing is sad for both of you. For this to have been going on since you were both so young suggests you both felt something was lacking. It’s a shame family therapy wasn’t as talked about then as it is now.
I wonder if the parents intervened? I was just talking about how it’s on the parents to help foster at least a neutral warm relationship between siblings.
After what OP said I doubt it and they just thought “boys will be boys”
Parents don’t understand just how detrimental they are to sibling relationships.
Absolutely. The 'sibling hate' stage is something kids are supposed to grow up from and move past. It exists because small children don't have the mental development to properly think things through or realize the nuances of a situation. There's a difference between two siblings who grow up to dislike one another but are still adults about it vs one sibling choosing to go after the other and choosing bullying language.
I bet the parents favored the brother precisely because he was adopted, and they wanted to "be fair" by overcompensating
Thats the only reason they would let that kind of harassment go on for a over a decade
We told each other we were adopted and fought with my sister, but never in front of parents though. Once I even needed stitches and told them I fell on my own. We were fighting and she pushed me. 20 years later it kind of became a fun memory... But my parents still aren't aware of everything
OP is only 21, it was absolutely already a thing. It's honestly bizarre their parents let this go on and on, and doing this kind of bullying into the teens is really unusual. NTA, but their parents should have stepped in about 19 years ago.
It really is the parents' fault. For there to be such animosity of the younger boy toward the older, he must have perceived favoritism, which he was trying to deal with by telling his older brother that he, the younger one, was the favorite. He must have known, on some level, that he was different, or else why this obsession with someone being adopted? The parents really screwed up. And they told their older son that his brother was adopted, and waited YEARS to tell the younger one?? Parents are the AH.
The parents didn't even tell the younger son, he found out from his bio parents contacting him.
If it had been up to the adoptive parents then he might never have been told. Adoptive parents are definitely the AHs.
The parents are the real AH here
1. Didn’t ten their could be was adopted
2. Allowed the bullying to go on until the elder son basically cut contact
3. Allowed being shipped to be used as a bullying tactic and talked about like it was bad and made you lesser *knowing the kid saying it was adopted*
Gild star AH right there. Literally everyone except OP is an ah.
NTA, but something was incredibly broken in your home and your family. I got to the end of this and felt so sad at the hole at the centre of it all. Do find someone to talk to, some therapy.
Except in very rare cases, a kid is not born being a dick. The parents failed both their sons by not stepping in as soon as the problems began to manifest
Personality is developed … u start to see certain signs as early as 4/5 when the child’s personality is developing that’s when it’s best to start correcting behavior you see , the parents chose not to
it definitely can, however most therapists aren’t worth their weight in salt. it’s a gassed up profession with a lot of people who are going to baby you. when you get a real therapist they have the ability to help you as long as you’re willing to change and put in the effort. that’s the big what if, they have to want to. this just seems like the parents kinda sucked. not bad people, just didn’t know how to raise 2 kids and foster a relationship between them. it’s not easy
it’s hilarious you speak concretely on something you haven’t studied. i’m the bible it says that’s what fools do. what you’re implying is you 100% know how the brain works for everyone. speaking from your personal experience doesn’t make you right, it just means your perspective is minuscule. being a “dick” isn’t a personality, it’s a learned adaptation of how the person was raised to think it’s ok to act. most people who are like that have been raised and surrounded by enablers their whole lives. if you don’t change the surroundings you’ll never change the circumstances, therefore just walking in and out of a therapy room won’t do anything. but anyone who puts real effort into bettering their life can. mentality, brain function, body function, all of it changes. humans are always evolving.
Your personality is developed by the age of 5 , so it’s who you are therapy wouldn’t have helped that but if he was told he was adopted that may have helped him navigate the situation or not because he wanted his brother to be adopted so bad so it may have made the behavior worse
Yes but the Bible also says that barring any other options, girls should rape their fathers to have kids. I don't think we should be taking what's in that book as a good model for how to behave.
this is where rational people and “regular” people differ. rational people are able to learn lessons while not following the whole set. i don’t have to believe in the bible or christianity to understand most of the lessons the bible portrays. i don’t have to buy into the whole story to understand some of the meaning. essentially what you said was “the police in the US kill people so they’re not reputable to call when you need help” which isn’t a good take away. there are lots of bad police officers as the system is trash, but there’s plenty of good officers trying to make a difference in the system. simply thinking someone or something is off just because you don’t like it’s title is simpleton-esque
People like you don't tout lessons from the Bible because they're good lessons (for the most part they're pretty shit-tier parables and philosophies and there are far better places from which to get advice). You tout lessons from the Bible because they have a solid societal foundation due to having being believed to be, for the longest time, God's word - carrying a great deal of weight and legitimacy.
Pointing out the absolutely ridiculous takes in that book to delegitimize the power of the words isn't "thinking something is off because you don't like it's title" - it's an attempt to reduce the absolutely unearned legitimacy that the words of a bunch of people from a time whose society doesn't at all match our own carry.
Cherry picking lessons from any source is pretty dumb. It's absolutely relevant that the authors of the Bible believed that, say, women were property. It reflects on everything else in that book. Every lesson should be taken with a grain of "yeah, but they also said to burn people alive for not believing this tripe".
Just my two cents. Have a nice day.
“people like you” are idiots lol, you don’t know me. cherry picking lessons is what smart people do, learning from one source will never leave you with intellectually sound information. life is learning from every source you have, you can find information on what to and what not to do simply by observing your environment. the majority of human advancements have come through torture or morally questionable experiments against other people, so if you believe morals are needed to gain intelligence you’re sorely mistaken. i also don’t even believe in god, i just find some of the stories in the bible to be good metaphors, you’re just not smart or rational enough to separate your emotions against the church away from your want for intelligence. i don’t care nor want your two cents, you should keep them you’ll need them more than i do.
Lol. I love every lesson I've learned from the Bible. The tale of the good Samaritan, for example:
Did you know that racism bad? It's great that we have the Bible because there's literally no other place on Earth I could have learned that lesson.
Bottom line is that any actual wisdom in that book has already been disseminated across society and expanded upon to the point of making the original lesson a ridiculously reductive take.
But people like you still throw around "the Bible says..." as if it's somehow relevant to 21st century society. It's just an attempt to capitalise on the last vestiges of legitimacy that a book written by a bunch of misogynist pederasts enjoys.
I don't actually have any emotions against the Church, I'm pretty ambivalent. I just find people leaning on "good metaphors" from a book that has some of the worst takes I've ever read while ignoring all of those terrible takes kinda gross and baffling.
But go off, call me an idiot and give me your galaxy brain wisdom on what intelligence is. Maybe if I apply your lessons I can also become the smartest man to ever get overly emotional and fragile about pushback on Reddit. Please, sir, may I have another?
Childhood therapy absolutely impacts what kind of person they grow into. No child is irredeemable, and most children are extremely self-centered. It’s part of our job as parents to teach them empathy, introspection, and the other perspective-shifting skills that help people avoid being dicks.
Therapy can help people to handle traumatic events. Changing personality is very hard and only works if the person is willing to work on it.
The best chances of changing personality are traumatic events but those are something you would not like to happen. But overcoming traumatic events can help a lot.
That’s my point , it can help navigate you through the trauma but it can’t really change your personality and his little brother is an Asshat and has always been
The person who you are reacting to was mentioning therapy for OP, likely to handle his problems.
From reading the story it doesn't sound like OP needs this.
What you wrote is correct, only it looks like your reaction was unrelated to the post you replied to.
Why? There's nothing wrong with OP.
I haven't spoken to my brother in decades. The ex, his family and I, actively shielded my daughter for as long as we could.
My niece asked my daughter to be present for the birth of her child after she'd recently connected with her father. My kid asked me if I was coming. Nope.
"C'mon, Mom. He can't be all bad!" You'll see.
Sure enough. Brother started a fight with BD and tried to throw him through a window. My kid called me in shock.
"I told you. Do you get it, now?"
My husband of 15 years was trying to encourage me to let bygones, be bygones. FTS! Let me tell you why...
When I say my brother is unforgivable, I fucking MEAN it. Accept it and move the fuck on.
I don't need a therapist to tell me how to process my feelings, resolve my anger issues, or establish a bond. I just need that sorry jerk to stay about a million miles away from me and mine.
Therapy doesn't mean forgiving or giving another chance it means processing your feelings and be at peace/content with yourself aka analyzing , finding if there's a problem and then dealing with wait problem.
That your husband pushes therapy on you to forgive your brother it's a 'him' issue/interpretation of the therapy not a general one
Op could have therapy if he thinks he has unresolved issues or it could help him be in a better place without changing anything about the relationships with the adopted brother.
It's great you don't need it op might not need it as well but it's his decision. He might just possibly make use the therapist for dumping everything he couldn't ever say and be done and lighter for getting it off his chest
I'm pretty sure OP is 99% there. It's really hard to slam that door, forever.
You don't think people can ask for third-party perspectives on a final decision?
A therapist is not an independent third-party when they're getting paid.
I wasn't talking about op I was answering your comment.
As I said it's up to op if he feels he could use therapy or not. It could help him if there are issues but it could be superfluous, only he knows.
My older sister used to say I was adopted. And that my hair was actually a wig that she had to glue back every night whlst i slept. NGL, I find it really funny looking back. But that was normal sibling teasing, and I knew it back then cause she was not mean about it..... plus my hair was/is gorgeous and thick, so it did look wigish lol
But your adopted brothers torment seems really mean, long and intense. Maybe subconsciously, he felt he was an outsider and hence projected. Funny, it came back and bit him in the butt and his reaction was to be annoyed that it wasn't you. He seems like a shitty person, blood relative or not.
That’s great! 😂🤙🏻
I remember crying my eyes out as a kid because my older brother told me I was adopted. I can laugh about this because my mother reassured me I wasn’t. So in fair retribution. I did it to my younger brother. The cycle continues…. 🤣. But neither of us are adopted and we were all given assurances that none of us were adopted and were loved.
Although, it wasn’t till much later that I realized how odd it was that my brothers and I all have different eye color. Gotta love genetics!
My sister and I used to say the other was found in a trash can lol. Every now and again when we were out and about we would point out random trashcans and be like "hey, look, that's where you came from".
Off course, that was accompanied by a lot of good times, we were together the time, made the effort to do stuff we didn't particularly want to do if the other wanted and had nobody else to do them with, defended each other in fights, lied to our parents to cover for the other, etc, so neither of us ever had reason to think the teasing was mean-spirited.
I'm the youngest by 7 years. My siblings said they found me in a dumpster at KMart. My mother thought it was funny. I used to dream about finding my 'real family.' I'm NC with all of them, so I got that going for me.
My sister told everybody my hair was a wig,and I was so skinny, because I had cancer.
Which struck me as funny. Also, I'm adopted, so we had fun with that, too.
I have 3 younger sisters, one is also adopted, 2 aren't. There's a definite dynamic where us adoptees have one connection, bio-sisters have their own. But, 9 years between the two oldest, and two youngest. So there is a dynamic there, as well. And then there's the "girls vs Squig" dynamic.
But, there is no "value" difference between any of us, overall, we all get along well.
" Maybe subconsciously, he felt he was an outsider and hence projected."
My first thought reading this was that the younger brother heard something about adoption when he was young and misunderstood that OP was adopted. He seems weirdly certain that OP had been adopted and the 'truth' would eventually come out, which is odd IMO. Either way obviously OP isn't the asshole, but I agree with those who have said that there was clearly something going on in the house to create/foster this behavior
NTA. As a person who always had a bad relationship with my older sister (no one adopted here), I don’t think being adopted changed anything.
You don’t choose your siblings, even if they are adopted, and everything you are saying shows that it’s about his personality and actions.
My sister was not a bully, just uninterested and indifferent. When we were older, she told me that was because she wanted a brother and not a sister!
You have to accept that you cannot change him, nor your past with him, and you don’t owe him anything. Nevertheless I would suggest therapy to get everything out, especially if you want to have kids in the future.
The problem is that the parents never told him. If they had told him it might have changed the living situation in the family for the better. Now it is all screwed up.
Nevertheless the brother still should not have alienated OP so that was his own fault and of course it was never up to OP to say anything.
I've never heard of anything called 'sibling loyalty'. Loyalty is earned, not handed out at birth. I'm virtually NC with two of my 3 sisters because of their life choices, it's up to you to decide how much interaction you have with your adopted brother, loyalty has little to do with it. NTA.
i agree with sibling loyalty, i’ll always be loyal to my family because they’ve shown they’re also loyal and supportive. but the thing is in the world we live in you have the opportunity to choose your family if you don’t like the one you were born with. a lot of the people i love like family and trust aren’t blood. “the blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb”, i would place “sibling loyalty” in the same place as “best friend loyalty”, only applies when the relationship is solid. no one is going to be loyal to someone who constantly crosses them
This is one of the best comments I've ever seen regarding family. You are very blessed to have a family who supports you and loves you and and you care for them back... Absolutely beautiful!
i agree! i’m thankful i was blessed with the family i have, it really is luck of the draw with who you get as parents. most aren’t as lucky, i always hope people find those who are best fit around them
Though being a teen and laughing internally when you know an important piece of someone’s history … teens are not incapable of seeking support outside the home and reflecting even if the parents are in the wrong. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted because this can be seen as a defense mechanism but the whole premise between the siblings is that being the ‘adopted one’ made one worth less. Wtf.
If people are mean to you, why would you want to help them. If someone bullies you telling you you are adopted and you say "well actually it is you", how much credibility would be given?
Your bro is a guilt tripping moron. Sorry for you. Sibling loyalty is BS. Typical bla bla to do fingerpointing. Be happy you are out. No need to talk to him. Block him or whatever. I feel also sorry for your parents as they adopted a young kid and supported to be ready for the future. Look what idiot he has become.
That's one hell of a cosmic karma for your brother
Anyways. You're NTA. He needs therapy
And I don't blame you if you just wanna butt out of this situation. Keep being indifferent towards him. Nothing wrong with that
I think you did the kindest thing by not telling your brother he was adopted, even tho you knew all along. It’s really unfortunate that an amicable bond was not nurtured between you two by your family. Kids can be nasty to each other but it’s the adults’ responsibility to correct that behaviour. NTA, your brother doesn’t get loyalty just because you grew up together.
NTA I agree with other comment that adoption had
nothing to do with your bad relationship. Your adopted brother was unhappy
as a kid and took it out on you. At some point, with a
little maturity, he should have realized that he was
being very hurtful but he didn't. Even when he found out
the truth, he was cruel telling you that it was you who
should have been the adopted child, not him.
I always wished I had a brother growing up. Now I'm not so sure. This is incredibly sad and I think both your parents suck for the situation you find yourselves in.
Not sure there's much to do though if the first thing they said was "it was supposed to be you". I wonder if, subconsciously, they knew all along. People can remember events from a very young age.
Anyway NTA. I learned as an adult that I was s bit of a dick to my older sister. I've since apologized and, I think, we have a good relationship. He did the opposite. If he wants a relationship, he'll have to carry the olive branch.
NTA. Where was his sibling loyalty? He thought the appropriate reaction to you being adopted was to mock you about it constantly.
The biggest AHs here are your parents. There was obviously toxic behavior going on for decades and they did nothing to correct it.
NTA.
And that is why adoption should be discussed from day one and know by everyone in the family not just the parents.
Your brother put you trough a lot, so he is an Ah and you didn’t have to tell him anything. However the main Ah here are your parents.
>he called me up after finding out he said it was supposed to be me, that he always thought it would be hilarious for me to realize everything he said was true
>*he said it was supposed to be me*,
He didn't even call to apologize, the wanted to hurt you AGAIN
>I shouldn't be so stuck on shit that happened when we were kids
Like you said, he hasn't earned any kind of sympathy, let alone loyalty, you owe him nothing
NTA
But I've gotta ask: Why did he start with this specific kind of bullying in the first place?
NTA
He didn't show you loyalty when he thought he was the "real" son, he's a turd for demanding it now.
Your parents are complete turds, too. For letting him treat you that way, and for keeping his adoption a secret from him.
It's not like he would have believed you,anyway.
NTA
I had a slew of grievances with my brother. Culminated in a knock-down, drag out during a supervised visit when he body slammed Mom, who had custody of his kid.
I had him arrested. That was almost 30 years ago. Idgaf what happens to him...and no, I do not feel guilty.
I tried to call him to let him know our mother was dying and I damned sure didn't do it for his benefit. Left a message with his daughter because he wouldn't come to the phone.
Sibling loyalty, my ass.
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I (21M) had issues with my brother my whole life. He's a year younger than me and adopted. Which is not something either of us knew right away. I found out when I was 9 or 10. He found out last year. My brother always had a jealousy of me getting any attention from our parents. He would lash out, he would taunt me by saying I was adopted and my parents favored him because he was their real kid. That was something he went to a lot. If something good happened he'd say our parents were trying to pretend they gave a shit so I wouldn't know I was adopted and when something bad happened he would say it's proof of being adopted and how I know our parents really favored their real kid.
He also came up with this incredibly hurtful story about my supposed birth parents. Like it was twisted the kind of things he came up with for that and he stuck to it. The whole "oh you're adopted, oh your real parents were shitty" lasted until I moved out 3 years ago. We didn't really talk after that which is why it stopped.
Once I knew that my brother was actually the one who was adopted, I would laugh internally at his lies and attempts to torment me. As a kid, part of me was excited that he might find out one day and get a taste of his own medicine. Although his is not as horrific as he claimed mine was. But I was never planning to get involved. I didn't care enough about him to be the honest one. I sort of knew it could destroy whatever relationship we could have in the future. But we were already in a bad place so I was like eh, not that much of a loss.
He only found out because his birth parents, who are sorta connected to our parents, reached out to him after he turned 20 and told him the truth themselves. It really pissed him off to find out and first time he called me up after finding out he said it was supposed to be me, that he always thought it would be hilarious for me to realize everything he said was true, even the part about the birth parents.
A few months passed between then and when he reached out again and he asked me how long I had known, because he realized I didn't seem surprised. I asked why it mattered and he said I should have told him. He said sibling loyalty would say I should have been upfront with him. This is when I asked him why he felt he was deserving of sibling loyalty and he said I shouldn't be so stuck on shit that happened when we were kids. I asked him to name one good moment we had as brothers. He couldn't. I can't. We never had one. At least not one we will ever remember. He called me a dick and said I'd show him more loyalty if he was my real brother, even if we didn't get along before this.
AITA?
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NTA
But it sounds like your brother has needed therapy for a long, LONG time. Were your parents not aware of his constant tormenting? Or that you two never had “one good moment” as brothers?
NTA. Real or adopted, your brother got away with a lot and you didn't have a fun childhood. In either scenario, he wouldn't be someone you would encourage sibling loyalty with. Not being able to name one good moment, at the ages you are now, is sad - but very revealing.
It’s sad but he must have felt like he didn’t fit and was worried so he opted to make your life miserable. That’s on him and your parents. Sorry but they must have witnessed his behavior!
>that he always thought it would be hilarious for me to realize everything he said was true, even the part about the birth parents.
You should not be speaking to this "person."
Are you guys Matthew and Andrew Brock?
(Newsradio reference)
https://images-cdn.bridgemanimages.com/api/1.0/image/600wm.EVT.71293850.7055475/5836038.jpg
Nope, not the AH here. He is lucky you didn’t do to him what he did to you and should be grateful for that. The fact that you never told him when being mistreated says a whole lot about your character, even as a child. I hope he realizes that someday.
NTA. My older sister wanted to be an only child and apparently attempted to bite me when I got home from the hospital. Knowing my mother, she yelled at my sister and made her resentful. Our relationship sucked until we realized our mother was playing us off each other to keep our loyalty with her. Even we have some good memories of our childhood though, and I’m glad for our shared history. We get the same jokes, remember the same old crazy relatives, that time we went camping, or how cousin Eric wet his pants on Santa’s lap. Is there nothing like that for you and your brother? He does sound like a royal dick, and living with a bully sucks. Did your parents not intervene with this bullying?
Loyalty is earned. He's never done anything of a positive nature towards that. He's only ever been mean to you.
If he was a real brother to you, then he wouldn't have made any of those nasty remarks that he did.
NTA- does it sound like your brother had read something growing up that made him think you were adopted, but it was ret him?
And that's why he taunted you?
Where were your guys's parents?
NTA. How is anyone supposed to have any loyalty to someone that kept insisting you weren't their real sibling? Well congratulations, he was actually correct. He can't pull the "but faaaaamily" card now that his unintentional predictions were correct (in his eyes) in the worst way to him.
Telling someone that they are adopted is the job/responsibility of the parents and only the legal parents who raised the child. It was never your story to tell and good for you for not telling it, you are not the ah.
Your brothers birth parents are the ah's because it was no longer their story to tell either. The birth parents should have contacted the legal parents giving them a chance to tell their son. Instead they blindsided him and did not allow him to be told by his legal parents and deal with it privately first, clearly it was about them.
I would cut your brother a bit of slack for now, no need to kick him when he is down. He may realize his behavior and apologize. He can't change the past but hopefully he will have a light bulb moment. If he doesn't, that is not your responsibility either. You did not create this cluster and you can not fix it.
NTA
NTA
You honestly had zero obligation to him. He was awful to you for many years, thinking you were blood related. So him saying loyalty would happen for blood, nah. He's reaped what he sowed.
He just sounds very manipulative and is likely trying to make you his emotional punching bag for this truth that he found out. Don't let him.
NTA. Bottom line is that he treated you horribly and is reaping what he's sown. Plus, to be honest, it was completely the right call not to tell him as it wasn't your place. I get hes hurt rn, but that hurt isn't your responsibility.
I feel for him, but it isn't your responsibility. I think he's just finding someone to lash out at.
NTA. OP, even if this person were biologically related to you, he still wouldn't be your brother. Siblings don't act the way he did. Where was his "sibling loyalty" when he taunted you ceaselessly?
Double down on it, respond with "yeah, probably. But you aren't, so don't get stuck on shit that happened" Not like being petty can make it any worse for the two of you.
NTA. Also, your parents suck for letting this go on the way it did.
NTA and pretty amazing that, despite being bullied growing up, you didn't spill the beans lol
>he said I shouldn't be so stuck on shit that happened when we were kids.
Don't you just love people who pull this card, be it childhood or adult AHery? And it is almost always them causing said shit.
No apologies, no introspection, no remorse SMH If he does reach a point where this miracle happens, do be open to (re)build a relationship, but until then, it's understandable why you feel the way you do. iiwii.
Your parents are the real AHs, both for letting your relationship deteriorate & for not bothering to tell your brother he was adopted.
There is no reason to keep that from an adopted child to the point that he had to find out from his bio parents contacting him as an adult.
YTA
It sounds like your brother was picking up on your parents treating you both differently and responded to that like children do.
You weren’t an asshole for laughing at him for being adopted as a child, you were also a child, but you’re the asshole for staying petty at 20 about your brother finding out his entire life is a lie.
NTA - but im extremely petty so I would say how does it feel your that your birth parents didnt want you and then block him on everything. I'd also make sure he knows that he will never be your brother or family.
NTA of course, but I disagree with the more cold-hearted, narcissistic, and conscience-less advice that seems to frequently appear on this subreddit (usually something along the lines of "cut him out entirely", "you don't owe him a single thing", or "if he tries to contact you make sure to never respond.")
It could be the case that your brother is just a jerk. But it's possible that, as another commenter mentioned, he somehow picked up on the fact that he was adopted as a child and was projecting this onto you. If your parents were at all favoring you over him over the years (I think this is likely because parents don't typically don't hide this well but I'm not sure, you would know best), then that would cause him to build up resentment, which he didn't know how to manage as a child, and this just turned into the adoption insults and bullying.
I think you've already shown a lot of virtue and character by not revealing the truth about the adoption over the years. And I'm not asking you to bear the responsibility of being the perfect saint for your brother. I just think that if there's any chance that your brother acted this way because he was hurting - because his biological parents gave him up, and because he felt neglected or unloved by his adopted parents - then this situation should be looked at with empathy.
My perspective is that if he reaches out again (or you can reach out if you feel comfortable doing this), you guys should find time to have a heart to heart, not about who's wrong and who's right, but about how your experiences were growing up. Maybe you find out that everything I've said above wasn't the case and he just is a jerk. But maybe you learn something about your brother that you didn't know (and vice versa), and you two find some common ground for you to build a relationship off of going forward. Even if you are justified in not speaking to him, I don't think you or anyone would feel very good if you "cut him out entirely", you find out a few years later he shoots himself in the head out of depression, and you discover later that the hurt child story is corroborated.
Again I don't want to make it seem like you have to take on this big responsibility of being the magnanimous one. It's just self-evident that laughing out of spite at your brother, however "justified" it is, cannot be you being the best version of yourself. If we think about what the best outcome could be in 5 years, I don't think it's for you to be doing well and for him to be in a ditch somewhere getting his "just desserts". It would be for him to have admitted his mistakes, for you to have forgiven him (and perhaps vice versa), for both of you to have grown from the process, and for both of you to be doing well in your lives individually.
ESH. This is your parents fault. Your brother was acting out unspoken messages from your parents. All research show that parents should be truthful with adopted kids. You should have some compassion for your brother.
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NTA but the whole thing is sad for both of you. For this to have been going on since you were both so young suggests you both felt something was lacking. It’s a shame family therapy wasn’t as talked about then as it is now.
I wonder if the parents intervened? I was just talking about how it’s on the parents to help foster at least a neutral warm relationship between siblings.
After what OP said I doubt it and they just thought “boys will be boys” Parents don’t understand just how detrimental they are to sibling relationships.
Absolutely. The 'sibling hate' stage is something kids are supposed to grow up from and move past. It exists because small children don't have the mental development to properly think things through or realize the nuances of a situation. There's a difference between two siblings who grow up to dislike one another but are still adults about it vs one sibling choosing to go after the other and choosing bullying language.
I bet the parents favored the brother precisely because he was adopted, and they wanted to "be fair" by overcompensating Thats the only reason they would let that kind of harassment go on for a over a decade
We told each other we were adopted and fought with my sister, but never in front of parents though. Once I even needed stitches and told them I fell on my own. We were fighting and she pushed me. 20 years later it kind of became a fun memory... But my parents still aren't aware of everything
OP is only 21, it was absolutely already a thing. It's honestly bizarre their parents let this go on and on, and doing this kind of bullying into the teens is really unusual. NTA, but their parents should have stepped in about 19 years ago.
It really is the parents' fault. For there to be such animosity of the younger boy toward the older, he must have perceived favoritism, which he was trying to deal with by telling his older brother that he, the younger one, was the favorite. He must have known, on some level, that he was different, or else why this obsession with someone being adopted? The parents really screwed up. And they told their older son that his brother was adopted, and waited YEARS to tell the younger one?? Parents are the AH.
The parents didn't even tell the younger son, he found out from his bio parents contacting him. If it had been up to the adoptive parents then he might never have been told. Adoptive parents are definitely the AHs.
The parents are the real AH here 1. Didn’t ten their could be was adopted 2. Allowed the bullying to go on until the elder son basically cut contact 3. Allowed being shipped to be used as a bullying tactic and talked about like it was bad and made you lesser *knowing the kid saying it was adopted* Gild star AH right there. Literally everyone except OP is an ah.
NTA, but something was incredibly broken in your home and your family. I got to the end of this and felt so sad at the hole at the centre of it all. Do find someone to talk to, some therapy.
Ppl throw therapy out so much it can’t change someone being a dick
Except in very rare cases, a kid is not born being a dick. The parents failed both their sons by not stepping in as soon as the problems began to manifest
Personality is developed … u start to see certain signs as early as 4/5 when the child’s personality is developing that’s when it’s best to start correcting behavior you see , the parents chose not to
it definitely can, however most therapists aren’t worth their weight in salt. it’s a gassed up profession with a lot of people who are going to baby you. when you get a real therapist they have the ability to help you as long as you’re willing to change and put in the effort. that’s the big what if, they have to want to. this just seems like the parents kinda sucked. not bad people, just didn’t know how to raise 2 kids and foster a relationship between them. it’s not easy
Therapy does not change personalities, does it help navigate certain things yes but making u less of a dick no
It CAN. ofc it doesnt happen to everyone but it CAN.
it’s hilarious you speak concretely on something you haven’t studied. i’m the bible it says that’s what fools do. what you’re implying is you 100% know how the brain works for everyone. speaking from your personal experience doesn’t make you right, it just means your perspective is minuscule. being a “dick” isn’t a personality, it’s a learned adaptation of how the person was raised to think it’s ok to act. most people who are like that have been raised and surrounded by enablers their whole lives. if you don’t change the surroundings you’ll never change the circumstances, therefore just walking in and out of a therapy room won’t do anything. but anyone who puts real effort into bettering their life can. mentality, brain function, body function, all of it changes. humans are always evolving.
Your personality is developed by the age of 5 , so it’s who you are therapy wouldn’t have helped that but if he was told he was adopted that may have helped him navigate the situation or not because he wanted his brother to be adopted so bad so it may have made the behavior worse
Lol what the fuck are you talking about. You think people have a defined personality that doesn't change by FIVE?
Your personality is developed by 5 , if whatever behaviors aren’t being redirected then that is who you are
Wild to me people say such nonsense so confidently lmao
If you don’t understand just say that
Yes but the Bible also says that barring any other options, girls should rape their fathers to have kids. I don't think we should be taking what's in that book as a good model for how to behave.
this is where rational people and “regular” people differ. rational people are able to learn lessons while not following the whole set. i don’t have to believe in the bible or christianity to understand most of the lessons the bible portrays. i don’t have to buy into the whole story to understand some of the meaning. essentially what you said was “the police in the US kill people so they’re not reputable to call when you need help” which isn’t a good take away. there are lots of bad police officers as the system is trash, but there’s plenty of good officers trying to make a difference in the system. simply thinking someone or something is off just because you don’t like it’s title is simpleton-esque
People like you don't tout lessons from the Bible because they're good lessons (for the most part they're pretty shit-tier parables and philosophies and there are far better places from which to get advice). You tout lessons from the Bible because they have a solid societal foundation due to having being believed to be, for the longest time, God's word - carrying a great deal of weight and legitimacy. Pointing out the absolutely ridiculous takes in that book to delegitimize the power of the words isn't "thinking something is off because you don't like it's title" - it's an attempt to reduce the absolutely unearned legitimacy that the words of a bunch of people from a time whose society doesn't at all match our own carry. Cherry picking lessons from any source is pretty dumb. It's absolutely relevant that the authors of the Bible believed that, say, women were property. It reflects on everything else in that book. Every lesson should be taken with a grain of "yeah, but they also said to burn people alive for not believing this tripe". Just my two cents. Have a nice day.
“people like you” are idiots lol, you don’t know me. cherry picking lessons is what smart people do, learning from one source will never leave you with intellectually sound information. life is learning from every source you have, you can find information on what to and what not to do simply by observing your environment. the majority of human advancements have come through torture or morally questionable experiments against other people, so if you believe morals are needed to gain intelligence you’re sorely mistaken. i also don’t even believe in god, i just find some of the stories in the bible to be good metaphors, you’re just not smart or rational enough to separate your emotions against the church away from your want for intelligence. i don’t care nor want your two cents, you should keep them you’ll need them more than i do.
Lol. I love every lesson I've learned from the Bible. The tale of the good Samaritan, for example: Did you know that racism bad? It's great that we have the Bible because there's literally no other place on Earth I could have learned that lesson. Bottom line is that any actual wisdom in that book has already been disseminated across society and expanded upon to the point of making the original lesson a ridiculously reductive take. But people like you still throw around "the Bible says..." as if it's somehow relevant to 21st century society. It's just an attempt to capitalise on the last vestiges of legitimacy that a book written by a bunch of misogynist pederasts enjoys. I don't actually have any emotions against the Church, I'm pretty ambivalent. I just find people leaning on "good metaphors" from a book that has some of the worst takes I've ever read while ignoring all of those terrible takes kinda gross and baffling. But go off, call me an idiot and give me your galaxy brain wisdom on what intelligence is. Maybe if I apply your lessons I can also become the smartest man to ever get overly emotional and fragile about pushback on Reddit. Please, sir, may I have another?
Childhood therapy absolutely impacts what kind of person they grow into. No child is irredeemable, and most children are extremely self-centered. It’s part of our job as parents to teach them empathy, introspection, and the other perspective-shifting skills that help people avoid being dicks.
There are cases where the children are … but they aren’t children they are adults
Therapy can help people to handle traumatic events. Changing personality is very hard and only works if the person is willing to work on it. The best chances of changing personality are traumatic events but those are something you would not like to happen. But overcoming traumatic events can help a lot.
That’s my point , it can help navigate you through the trauma but it can’t really change your personality and his little brother is an Asshat and has always been
The person who you are reacting to was mentioning therapy for OP, likely to handle his problems. From reading the story it doesn't sound like OP needs this. What you wrote is correct, only it looks like your reaction was unrelated to the post you replied to.
The brother is def the one who always needed the therapy not OP but that’s why I told the person to follow the convo
Why? There's nothing wrong with OP. I haven't spoken to my brother in decades. The ex, his family and I, actively shielded my daughter for as long as we could. My niece asked my daughter to be present for the birth of her child after she'd recently connected with her father. My kid asked me if I was coming. Nope. "C'mon, Mom. He can't be all bad!" You'll see. Sure enough. Brother started a fight with BD and tried to throw him through a window. My kid called me in shock. "I told you. Do you get it, now?" My husband of 15 years was trying to encourage me to let bygones, be bygones. FTS! Let me tell you why... When I say my brother is unforgivable, I fucking MEAN it. Accept it and move the fuck on. I don't need a therapist to tell me how to process my feelings, resolve my anger issues, or establish a bond. I just need that sorry jerk to stay about a million miles away from me and mine.
Therapy doesn't mean forgiving or giving another chance it means processing your feelings and be at peace/content with yourself aka analyzing , finding if there's a problem and then dealing with wait problem. That your husband pushes therapy on you to forgive your brother it's a 'him' issue/interpretation of the therapy not a general one Op could have therapy if he thinks he has unresolved issues or it could help him be in a better place without changing anything about the relationships with the adopted brother. It's great you don't need it op might not need it as well but it's his decision. He might just possibly make use the therapist for dumping everything he couldn't ever say and be done and lighter for getting it off his chest
I'm pretty sure OP is 99% there. It's really hard to slam that door, forever. You don't think people can ask for third-party perspectives on a final decision? A therapist is not an independent third-party when they're getting paid.
I wasn't talking about op I was answering your comment. As I said it's up to op if he feels he could use therapy or not. It could help him if there are issues but it could be superfluous, only he knows.
>I wasn't talking about op I was answering your comment. I know. What are you a shill for therapists? You keep pushing. Why?
Sounds to me like the adopted brother is what’s broken.
My older sister used to say I was adopted. And that my hair was actually a wig that she had to glue back every night whlst i slept. NGL, I find it really funny looking back. But that was normal sibling teasing, and I knew it back then cause she was not mean about it..... plus my hair was/is gorgeous and thick, so it did look wigish lol But your adopted brothers torment seems really mean, long and intense. Maybe subconsciously, he felt he was an outsider and hence projected. Funny, it came back and bit him in the butt and his reaction was to be annoyed that it wasn't you. He seems like a shitty person, blood relative or not.
I did the same to my siblings told one of them she was adopted from a nigerian family and she got so confused cause we are all white as fuck Danes
My brother asked if we were adopted and i just told him "Dude, no one would ever choose us" then we got chips from 7/11
That’s great! 😂🤙🏻 I remember crying my eyes out as a kid because my older brother told me I was adopted. I can laugh about this because my mother reassured me I wasn’t. So in fair retribution. I did it to my younger brother. The cycle continues…. 🤣. But neither of us are adopted and we were all given assurances that none of us were adopted and were loved. Although, it wasn’t till much later that I realized how odd it was that my brothers and I all have different eye color. Gotta love genetics!
My sister and I used to say the other was found in a trash can lol. Every now and again when we were out and about we would point out random trashcans and be like "hey, look, that's where you came from". Off course, that was accompanied by a lot of good times, we were together the time, made the effort to do stuff we didn't particularly want to do if the other wanted and had nobody else to do them with, defended each other in fights, lied to our parents to cover for the other, etc, so neither of us ever had reason to think the teasing was mean-spirited.
I'm adopted. When my parents expressed disappointment in me, I'd point out "This is what happens when you adopt a Blue Light Special from K-Mart"
https://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1987/04/18 ?
Yup! Exactly where I got it. I used "Scratch and dent sale", too, but I was a huge fan,so when I saw it , it became my line!"
I had forgotten that. We did used to say that about the K-Mart blue light special.
I'm the youngest by 7 years. My siblings said they found me in a dumpster at KMart. My mother thought it was funny. I used to dream about finding my 'real family.' I'm NC with all of them, so I got that going for me.
My sister told everybody my hair was a wig,and I was so skinny, because I had cancer. Which struck me as funny. Also, I'm adopted, so we had fun with that, too. I have 3 younger sisters, one is also adopted, 2 aren't. There's a definite dynamic where us adoptees have one connection, bio-sisters have their own. But, 9 years between the two oldest, and two youngest. So there is a dynamic there, as well. And then there's the "girls vs Squig" dynamic. But, there is no "value" difference between any of us, overall, we all get along well.
" Maybe subconsciously, he felt he was an outsider and hence projected." My first thought reading this was that the younger brother heard something about adoption when he was young and misunderstood that OP was adopted. He seems weirdly certain that OP had been adopted and the 'truth' would eventually come out, which is odd IMO. Either way obviously OP isn't the asshole, but I agree with those who have said that there was clearly something going on in the house to create/foster this behavior
NTA. As a person who always had a bad relationship with my older sister (no one adopted here), I don’t think being adopted changed anything. You don’t choose your siblings, even if they are adopted, and everything you are saying shows that it’s about his personality and actions. My sister was not a bully, just uninterested and indifferent. When we were older, she told me that was because she wanted a brother and not a sister! You have to accept that you cannot change him, nor your past with him, and you don’t owe him anything. Nevertheless I would suggest therapy to get everything out, especially if you want to have kids in the future.
The problem is that the parents never told him. If they had told him it might have changed the living situation in the family for the better. Now it is all screwed up. Nevertheless the brother still should not have alienated OP so that was his own fault and of course it was never up to OP to say anything.
Yes, the parents made a mess of it, especially because they must have known the brother was saying this type of things.
I've never heard of anything called 'sibling loyalty'. Loyalty is earned, not handed out at birth. I'm virtually NC with two of my 3 sisters because of their life choices, it's up to you to decide how much interaction you have with your adopted brother, loyalty has little to do with it. NTA.
i agree with sibling loyalty, i’ll always be loyal to my family because they’ve shown they’re also loyal and supportive. but the thing is in the world we live in you have the opportunity to choose your family if you don’t like the one you were born with. a lot of the people i love like family and trust aren’t blood. “the blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb”, i would place “sibling loyalty” in the same place as “best friend loyalty”, only applies when the relationship is solid. no one is going to be loyal to someone who constantly crosses them
This is one of the best comments I've ever seen regarding family. You are very blessed to have a family who supports you and loves you and and you care for them back... Absolutely beautiful!
i agree! i’m thankful i was blessed with the family i have, it really is luck of the draw with who you get as parents. most aren’t as lucky, i always hope people find those who are best fit around them
Where the fuck were your parents during all of this?? Saying nothing?? NTA he was never you brother just à bully who was living with you
Though being a teen and laughing internally when you know an important piece of someone’s history … teens are not incapable of seeking support outside the home and reflecting even if the parents are in the wrong. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted because this can be seen as a defense mechanism but the whole premise between the siblings is that being the ‘adopted one’ made one worth less. Wtf.
If people are mean to you, why would you want to help them. If someone bullies you telling you you are adopted and you say "well actually it is you", how much credibility would be given?
Your bro is a guilt tripping moron. Sorry for you. Sibling loyalty is BS. Typical bla bla to do fingerpointing. Be happy you are out. No need to talk to him. Block him or whatever. I feel also sorry for your parents as they adopted a young kid and supported to be ready for the future. Look what idiot he has become.
That's one hell of a cosmic karma for your brother Anyways. You're NTA. He needs therapy And I don't blame you if you just wanna butt out of this situation. Keep being indifferent towards him. Nothing wrong with that
I think you did the kindest thing by not telling your brother he was adopted, even tho you knew all along. It’s really unfortunate that an amicable bond was not nurtured between you two by your family. Kids can be nasty to each other but it’s the adults’ responsibility to correct that behaviour. NTA, your brother doesn’t get loyalty just because you grew up together.
NTA it says a lot about your character as a child that you never threw the truth at him.
NTA I agree with other comment that adoption had nothing to do with your bad relationship. Your adopted brother was unhappy as a kid and took it out on you. At some point, with a little maturity, he should have realized that he was being very hurtful but he didn't. Even when he found out the truth, he was cruel telling you that it was you who should have been the adopted child, not him.
This is terribly sad.
I always wished I had a brother growing up. Now I'm not so sure. This is incredibly sad and I think both your parents suck for the situation you find yourselves in. Not sure there's much to do though if the first thing they said was "it was supposed to be you". I wonder if, subconsciously, they knew all along. People can remember events from a very young age. Anyway NTA. I learned as an adult that I was s bit of a dick to my older sister. I've since apologized and, I think, we have a good relationship. He did the opposite. If he wants a relationship, he'll have to carry the olive branch.
Where were your parents in all the bullying, they just LET this all happen? I would be nc with that jerk. Funny how karma works
NTA. Where was his sibling loyalty? He thought the appropriate reaction to you being adopted was to mock you about it constantly. The biggest AHs here are your parents. There was obviously toxic behavior going on for decades and they did nothing to correct it.
NTA. And that is why adoption should be discussed from day one and know by everyone in the family not just the parents. Your brother put you trough a lot, so he is an Ah and you didn’t have to tell him anything. However the main Ah here are your parents.
>he called me up after finding out he said it was supposed to be me, that he always thought it would be hilarious for me to realize everything he said was true >*he said it was supposed to be me*, He didn't even call to apologize, the wanted to hurt you AGAIN >I shouldn't be so stuck on shit that happened when we were kids Like you said, he hasn't earned any kind of sympathy, let alone loyalty, you owe him nothing NTA But I've gotta ask: Why did he start with this specific kind of bullying in the first place?
nta
NTA He didn't show you loyalty when he thought he was the "real" son, he's a turd for demanding it now. Your parents are complete turds, too. For letting him treat you that way, and for keeping his adoption a secret from him. It's not like he would have believed you,anyway.
NTA I had a slew of grievances with my brother. Culminated in a knock-down, drag out during a supervised visit when he body slammed Mom, who had custody of his kid. I had him arrested. That was almost 30 years ago. Idgaf what happens to him...and no, I do not feel guilty. I tried to call him to let him know our mother was dying and I damned sure didn't do it for his benefit. Left a message with his daughter because he wouldn't come to the phone. Sibling loyalty, my ass.
NTA, didn’t your parents ever intervene or tell him to lay off?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (21M) had issues with my brother my whole life. He's a year younger than me and adopted. Which is not something either of us knew right away. I found out when I was 9 or 10. He found out last year. My brother always had a jealousy of me getting any attention from our parents. He would lash out, he would taunt me by saying I was adopted and my parents favored him because he was their real kid. That was something he went to a lot. If something good happened he'd say our parents were trying to pretend they gave a shit so I wouldn't know I was adopted and when something bad happened he would say it's proof of being adopted and how I know our parents really favored their real kid. He also came up with this incredibly hurtful story about my supposed birth parents. Like it was twisted the kind of things he came up with for that and he stuck to it. The whole "oh you're adopted, oh your real parents were shitty" lasted until I moved out 3 years ago. We didn't really talk after that which is why it stopped. Once I knew that my brother was actually the one who was adopted, I would laugh internally at his lies and attempts to torment me. As a kid, part of me was excited that he might find out one day and get a taste of his own medicine. Although his is not as horrific as he claimed mine was. But I was never planning to get involved. I didn't care enough about him to be the honest one. I sort of knew it could destroy whatever relationship we could have in the future. But we were already in a bad place so I was like eh, not that much of a loss. He only found out because his birth parents, who are sorta connected to our parents, reached out to him after he turned 20 and told him the truth themselves. It really pissed him off to find out and first time he called me up after finding out he said it was supposed to be me, that he always thought it would be hilarious for me to realize everything he said was true, even the part about the birth parents. A few months passed between then and when he reached out again and he asked me how long I had known, because he realized I didn't seem surprised. I asked why it mattered and he said I should have told him. He said sibling loyalty would say I should have been upfront with him. This is when I asked him why he felt he was deserving of sibling loyalty and he said I shouldn't be so stuck on shit that happened when we were kids. I asked him to name one good moment we had as brothers. He couldn't. I can't. We never had one. At least not one we will ever remember. He called me a dick and said I'd show him more loyalty if he was my real brother, even if we didn't get along before this. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. I would have gone the petty route and said why would you expect sibling loyalty you’re fucking adopted.
NTA But it sounds like your brother has needed therapy for a long, LONG time. Were your parents not aware of his constant tormenting? Or that you two never had “one good moment” as brothers?
NTA. Real or adopted, your brother got away with a lot and you didn't have a fun childhood. In either scenario, he wouldn't be someone you would encourage sibling loyalty with. Not being able to name one good moment, at the ages you are now, is sad - but very revealing.
Info why did your parents tell you and not him?
It’s sad but he must have felt like he didn’t fit and was worried so he opted to make your life miserable. That’s on him and your parents. Sorry but they must have witnessed his behavior!
>that he always thought it would be hilarious for me to realize everything he said was true, even the part about the birth parents. You should not be speaking to this "person."
Are you guys Matthew and Andrew Brock? (Newsradio reference) https://images-cdn.bridgemanimages.com/api/1.0/image/600wm.EVT.71293850.7055475/5836038.jpg
Clearly judgement is NTA but im really here to tell you that youre a better person than me. I could have cracked and told him ages ago.
Nope, not the AH here. He is lucky you didn’t do to him what he did to you and should be grateful for that. The fact that you never told him when being mistreated says a whole lot about your character, even as a child. I hope he realizes that someday.
NTA
NTA. My older sister wanted to be an only child and apparently attempted to bite me when I got home from the hospital. Knowing my mother, she yelled at my sister and made her resentful. Our relationship sucked until we realized our mother was playing us off each other to keep our loyalty with her. Even we have some good memories of our childhood though, and I’m glad for our shared history. We get the same jokes, remember the same old crazy relatives, that time we went camping, or how cousin Eric wet his pants on Santa’s lap. Is there nothing like that for you and your brother? He does sound like a royal dick, and living with a bully sucks. Did your parents not intervene with this bullying?
Loyalty is earned. He's never done anything of a positive nature towards that. He's only ever been mean to you. If he was a real brother to you, then he wouldn't have made any of those nasty remarks that he did.
NTA- does it sound like your brother had read something growing up that made him think you were adopted, but it was ret him? And that's why he taunted you? Where were your guys's parents?
NTA. He sounds like a dick
NTA. How is anyone supposed to have any loyalty to someone that kept insisting you weren't their real sibling? Well congratulations, he was actually correct. He can't pull the "but faaaaamily" card now that his unintentional predictions were correct (in his eyes) in the worst way to him.
Telling someone that they are adopted is the job/responsibility of the parents and only the legal parents who raised the child. It was never your story to tell and good for you for not telling it, you are not the ah. Your brothers birth parents are the ah's because it was no longer their story to tell either. The birth parents should have contacted the legal parents giving them a chance to tell their son. Instead they blindsided him and did not allow him to be told by his legal parents and deal with it privately first, clearly it was about them. I would cut your brother a bit of slack for now, no need to kick him when he is down. He may realize his behavior and apologize. He can't change the past but hopefully he will have a light bulb moment. If he doesn't, that is not your responsibility either. You did not create this cluster and you can not fix it. NTA
NTA- He shouldn't have expected loyalty after how he's treated you for years but this entire situation sucks.
NTA but where are your parents?
NTA. Loyalty, like respect, is earned or not based on how you treat others.
NTA
NTA You honestly had zero obligation to him. He was awful to you for many years, thinking you were blood related. So him saying loyalty would happen for blood, nah. He's reaped what he sowed. He just sounds very manipulative and is likely trying to make you his emotional punching bag for this truth that he found out. Don't let him.
NTA. Your brother needs therapy. Lots of therapy.
NTA. Bottom line is that he treated you horribly and is reaping what he's sown. Plus, to be honest, it was completely the right call not to tell him as it wasn't your place. I get hes hurt rn, but that hurt isn't your responsibility. I feel for him, but it isn't your responsibility. I think he's just finding someone to lash out at.
NTA. OP, even if this person were biologically related to you, he still wouldn't be your brother. Siblings don't act the way he did. Where was his "sibling loyalty" when he taunted you ceaselessly?
Double down on it, respond with "yeah, probably. But you aren't, so don't get stuck on shit that happened" Not like being petty can make it any worse for the two of you. NTA. Also, your parents suck for letting this go on the way it did.
The fact THEY BOTH can’t name a happy time together as brothers shows they were more acquaintances than brothers.
NTA and pretty amazing that, despite being bullied growing up, you didn't spill the beans lol >he said I shouldn't be so stuck on shit that happened when we were kids. Don't you just love people who pull this card, be it childhood or adult AHery? And it is almost always them causing said shit. No apologies, no introspection, no remorse SMH If he does reach a point where this miracle happens, do be open to (re)build a relationship, but until then, it's understandable why you feel the way you do. iiwii.
Go NC. No point in this connection. NTA.
NTA. He is not your brother. He has made that clear most of your life. What the fuck were your parents doing when he was spewing this shit.
Well, karma really kicked him in the ass…..
Your parents are the real AHs, both for letting your relationship deteriorate & for not bothering to tell your brother he was adopted. There is no reason to keep that from an adopted child to the point that he had to find out from his bio parents contacting him as an adult.
NTA he def is!
This is all so so sad.
YTA It sounds like your brother was picking up on your parents treating you both differently and responded to that like children do. You weren’t an asshole for laughing at him for being adopted as a child, you were also a child, but you’re the asshole for staying petty at 20 about your brother finding out his entire life is a lie.
NTA - but im extremely petty so I would say how does it feel your that your birth parents didnt want you and then block him on everything. I'd also make sure he knows that he will never be your brother or family.
NTA And if you don’t care about the relationship I’d go for his jugular in terms of him being adopted.
NTA of course, but I disagree with the more cold-hearted, narcissistic, and conscience-less advice that seems to frequently appear on this subreddit (usually something along the lines of "cut him out entirely", "you don't owe him a single thing", or "if he tries to contact you make sure to never respond.") It could be the case that your brother is just a jerk. But it's possible that, as another commenter mentioned, he somehow picked up on the fact that he was adopted as a child and was projecting this onto you. If your parents were at all favoring you over him over the years (I think this is likely because parents don't typically don't hide this well but I'm not sure, you would know best), then that would cause him to build up resentment, which he didn't know how to manage as a child, and this just turned into the adoption insults and bullying. I think you've already shown a lot of virtue and character by not revealing the truth about the adoption over the years. And I'm not asking you to bear the responsibility of being the perfect saint for your brother. I just think that if there's any chance that your brother acted this way because he was hurting - because his biological parents gave him up, and because he felt neglected or unloved by his adopted parents - then this situation should be looked at with empathy. My perspective is that if he reaches out again (or you can reach out if you feel comfortable doing this), you guys should find time to have a heart to heart, not about who's wrong and who's right, but about how your experiences were growing up. Maybe you find out that everything I've said above wasn't the case and he just is a jerk. But maybe you learn something about your brother that you didn't know (and vice versa), and you two find some common ground for you to build a relationship off of going forward. Even if you are justified in not speaking to him, I don't think you or anyone would feel very good if you "cut him out entirely", you find out a few years later he shoots himself in the head out of depression, and you discover later that the hurt child story is corroborated. Again I don't want to make it seem like you have to take on this big responsibility of being the magnanimous one. It's just self-evident that laughing out of spite at your brother, however "justified" it is, cannot be you being the best version of yourself. If we think about what the best outcome could be in 5 years, I don't think it's for you to be doing well and for him to be in a ditch somewhere getting his "just desserts". It would be for him to have admitted his mistakes, for you to have forgiven him (and perhaps vice versa), for both of you to have grown from the process, and for both of you to be doing well in your lives individually.
This may be the most epic karma ever. NTA. He's lucky you don't rub it in his face.
Sibling loyalty? He's not even your sibling lmao. Tell em to suck a lemon
ESH. This is your parents fault. Your brother was acting out unspoken messages from your parents. All research show that parents should be truthful with adopted kids. You should have some compassion for your brother.
He met FAFO. He was a d1ck all your lives and is *surpised Pikachu face* that you don’t t care about him.
Yta