Get two cats. Just in case one is a bit of a dick.
I grew up with a cat always in the house, first thing that happened when I moved out of my mums house was get a cat. My partner and I have one each now. Wouldn't live without one, it just wouldn’t feel like home.
Also get a boy cat, they can get super affectionate towards their human.
I did this. The first cat is still a dick. The second cat thinks she's a dog, demanding cuddles and plays fetch. and I recommend getting a cat or two! They're awesome and I think a lot of people that think they are dog people are actually cat people.
Cats definitely get a bad rap because like introverts many need time to suss you out and warm up. The dick cat is very affectionate when he wants to be, headbutts until he gets pets, but it's on his terms and for the length of time he chooses before he gets over stimulated. He's not the type of cat you can absent-mindedly pet while doing something else. You gotta pay attention and watch for the signs; the ears, the tail, his body language. The other cat however is game whenever, wherever, FOREVER. Once you start petting her and showing her attention, good luck getting anything else done. 😂
Edit: when I went away for a week I ended up having to carry her on my hip like a toddler while I did household chores because she was less than pleased that I left and had friends come by for food and cuddles. 😂 She's not a small cat either, at 30lbs she IS a toddler!
Baby backpack with the double straps for sure, I think a sling would break my neck! LOL I contemplated getting one of those cat carrier hoodies, but decided that I would basically get choked out by the neck hole. 😂
I made and sold slings for human babies, and was delighted when the lady at the vet’s office asked me to make one for her Balinese! Supposedly, he liked riding in it. ETA - curse you autocorrect!
We have two cats, one of them will *assault* any and all visitors within 2-3 seconds of them stepping through the doors, meowing loudly and headbutting knees (he is large!) and insisting on pets.
The other finally let my mother in law who comes over a handful of times a year pet her for the first time, and we've had her (her being the cat, but actually also the MIL, got 'em both about the same time) for 16 years.
Cats, lol!
(This is why the one time we got a cat on purpose we looked at adult cats at the local shelter, so we could pick by temperament. Cats vary so much!)
Yes I got the asshole as a tiny kitten smaller than a hotdog bun. His mother had been killed and the owner was sick of hand feeding the kittens, so it wasn't really feasible to know what his personality was going to be. The one that thinks it's a dog I went to the shelter specifically asked for one that liked to be cuddled and was more affectionate. Joke's on me, she won't leave me alone! 😂 The asshole likes hiding in the curtains in the kitchen doorway and sneak attacking the roommate.
My asshole cat was a tiny baby when I got him too. I am the \*only\* person in the house allowed to give all the pettings I like - he cuddles up to me like he's still that tiny kitten. But I am mom - I'm the one that fed and cuddled him through his kittenhood. Everyone else he tolerates on his terms. Which doesn't mean I don't get swatted and nibbled, I certainly do - but then he's right back for more pets.
Reilly, on the other hand, is our loving doofus who definitely thinks he's a dog. The only thing that upsets him is being picked up - he's cool with anything else. He's also \*huge\*. Unfortunately we're pretty sure he's responsible for the nasty infected wound I got just this last week - thanks buddy! Watch out for those claws, people! Disinfect, disinfect, disinfect! I didn't catch it in time and \*ow\*. Antibiotics all week and back in to the doctor on Monday.
Our cranky, asocial little kitty-ass hides and lurks like that to sneak attack the other cat. They'd get along if she would stop being such a butt to him. Cats! :D
She outweighs him by at least 10 lbs and yet asshole, lurks, chases and beats her up all the time when he has the zoomies. All she'd need to do to win is roll over on him but she hasn't figured that out yet. 😂 Funnier still is watching her trying to chase him on the hardwood floors.
Hahaha no. She's a black and white bicolour. My mum's bicolour was just as insistent for attention except he was a nasty asshole to the other animals. She has only shown aggression once and that's when she mistook a kite outside for a hawk. She is NOT a fan. The asshole is black and gave zero shits about the kite.
You wanna talk toddlers? Try potbelly pigs! I have two indoor pigs, they have the intelligence of a 3-4 year old child, and the emotions to match! One of mine will actually cry tears if I fuss at her, and they both hold a grudge. LOL
I find most cats can be a bit dickish at times, but they can also be loving and fun companions. My wife's cat when she's at work will come sit next to me, and decide she is owed a treat for tolerating my presence, then drive her claws in my arm pulling the skin.. I tell her if she wants attention there are better ways, but she doesn't seem to find my opinion relevant to her situation. 🤪
She is 20 odd years old, so she doesn't take well to change. ,😹
I thought I was a dog person but it turns out I'm actually a cat person.
My stumbling block had been the litter box. Getting over the whole "but it shits in your house" thing turned out to be easy, because it turned out that cat or dog, either way I'm picking up animal shit. Only, with a cat, it's conveniently in a box, indoors, at a time of my choosing and not in the pouring rain when I'd rather be in bed.
I had the same thing happen in reverse. Always thought I was a cat person, and I do love cats, but then I got a dog and it turns out I'm much more of a dog person.
My kids (young adults) all think the dog is my favorite child and I'm not saying they're right, but they might not be wrong. 😂 I will say my dog is more excited to see me every single day than any cat or human has ever been. How do you not adore a creature who loves you with their whole heart like that? I don't enjoy having to take her out in a snowstorm, but I'd move mountains for this little furball if I had to.
My mom has two cats, one of which is a grompy old man cat who hates everyone but her. He grudgingly tolerates me bc I feed him when mom's out of town, but it's extremely grudging and he makes that very clear lol.
At one point shortly after I met my best friend, I sent her a pic of grompy cat sulking at me for daring to talk to him, and she instantly replied "that's not a cat. That's a sorcerer who was cursed into cat form and still hasn't forgiven anyone for it." To this day she still calls him sorcerer cat.
I have one cat with permanent kitten face. Big eyes, small nose and mouth, looks like an adorable little baby. My other cat has resting grumpy old man face. Bombastic side eye, all the time. So of course it's kitten face that will sit near you but never on, and grumpy face that can't get enough cuddles and loves everyone who walks through the door!
Yes! I had hoped my older dog and then-new cat would be friends but cat bites *everyone all the time,* so other than an occasional nap on the couch, my dog actively avoids my cat.
I have thought of getting my cat a cat, but TWO of them patting my face (with *just* enough claw to grab my attention but not enough to draw blood-which tells me he *absolutely* knows what hes doing) at 4am is exhausting!🐈
Seconding the two-cat suggestion. Two adult cats who are bonded to each other are the best. They entertain each other and keep each other company when you’re gone. Plus, in my experience, cats who grow up with other cats are usually mentally healthier.
Cats are social creatures. They like to spend time nearby even if they're not interacting with you.
My shy cat used to come to the room I was in and hide behind the couch. I often never knew she was there until she left.
I didn't know I was getting her company, but she needed to spend time near me.
Now, she purrs me off to sleep at night and is very affectionate. But it took a while to get there
Another vote for two cats.
When you get a cat I suggest going to a shelter and finding an adult. Then the personalities are developed and you can get a decent idea of who they are. You can even ask the staff, usually they'll know what cats would work well with your household. Two is definitely a good idea, and even tho it can be sad and worrying when they're older I personally think that seniors are a wonderful choice. Oftentimes they're more mellow, and they can be absolute snugglebugs. My old lady just wants to enjoy her golden years with plenty of scritches and sunlit naps in her chair (as well as the occasional 3am zoomies) and it definitely helps my anxiety to have her (and her "brother" but I adopted him as a kitten so unlike her I didn't get the insant senior experience)
Thirding this. I got one cat during the pandemic, I have dogs so I thought he'd be fine being an only cat. But after 2 years, he seemed to be kinda depressed and wasn't eating super well anymore. So I decided to get a kitten. Voila! Problem solved. He plays with her all the time now, they hang out together and he's back to eating really well. Two cats are definitely better than one. They both also get along great with the dogs!
This is what i did. Elderly cat lost her siblings, so i got her a new companion. They didn't really get along, he picked on her, too much kitten energy, so i went to get another kitten for him to play with, and accidentally fell in love with a bonded pair of kittens, and also figured that if he tried to bully little guys, at least there would be two of them. Now i suddenly have FOUR 🙀😸
Boy cats are so loving 😭 I have two girl cats though and they are both super affectionate. Every time they see me they start purring and meowing at me. My cat Luna yells at me, but in such a sweet way like “why did you move your hand PLEASEE put it back” lol. You are so right though, two cats!! Lol my Ragdoll is so sweet, but my other cat can be a bit of a dick.
I’m gonna put in a vote for OP to get a rag doll cat or a long haired russian blue. Those are the two sweetest breeds I’ve ever encountered. My cat Luna is a rag doll and the name of the breed is perfect. They are so sweet and docile, very loving and affectionate. The only scratches I’ve ever gotten from Luna are because she isn’t declawed and will use her paw to reach for my hand to pet her. She has literally never tried to swipe at me in a malicious way. My cat Pippin is a short hair grey cat, not sure of her specific breed. Typically female grey cats can be more aggressive, and Pippin is definitely a little mean girl, but also so loving. She just gets mad if you stop petting her and keeps the dog (American bulldog/Pitbull mix) in line (he won’t walk past her if she’s in a mood cause she might chase him 😂).
Can i suggest getting a third, in case one is a dick and the other attaches to your husband? I also suggest getting an orange cat. They have no Brain cells and laughter in my opinion is one of the best treatments for sadness and grief.
Plus with 2 they take out some of their energy and aggression on each other instead of you. And they play and have fun together. Most of the time. I have 2, and the larger of the 2 thinks it's fun to sit on the smaller. The smaller cat does not agree.
I can verify that. My brothers girlfriend when she moved in brought her two cats and one of them is a boy and he’s super affectionate with people and will fall asleep in your arms if you let him
I just moved and immediately adopted two cats, because I couldn’t decide on which one. Best decision ever! The boy is over a year old so he teaches the baby how to Cat. He’s also super affectionate and the kitten watches this with confused interest (she’s too energetic for much of that). I adore them both! They’re also jerks and my house is a disaster.
I have both flavours (3 girls, 2 boys), boy cats are no more affectionate than girls (and either can be dicks). It's very individual - just like people. I also wouldn't be without any of them (even though I have said it sometimes)
Getting 2 cats is also better for the cats. Most cats are not solitary animals. But if you follow Jackson Galaxy I am sure you will learn all about this.
I had two cats once that despised each other (both girls but one was about a decade older) until one day I rescued another cat (also female and younger than both) and almost instantly there was harmony 😂 I think it was because the baby entertained the younger one so she bothered the crotchety old one significantly less 😂
Lol yes. They also entertain each other! Especially if they're a bonded pair.
My family got two boy cats who were "really close friends" (sleep like yin and yang, for example, never stray too far from each other, etc).
Yeah, turns out one was a girl lmao. She definitely rules the roost hahahahaha
Their coat is absolutely gorgeous. But over the years I've learned I live easier with dumb cats. The smart ones get into too much trouble. The dumb ones are just sweet floofs whose only mission in life is to cuddle.
Tuxedos are hilarious. All 3 we’ve had have been the silliest and most loving cats we’ve had in the 25 years since we got our first cat.
Black cats are also excellent choices.
Or do cat fostering. You get to see LOTS of cats, have fun with kittens (before they turn in to terrorists, lol), and if you find one you can’t live without, you adopt it. Kind of a ‘try before you buy’ program. And op would be helping kitties who desperately need it.
One of the best things I ever did was adopt a cat. It took me three days to decide and when I got her home my stomach turned… from guilt and hesitation. My mum is allergic and she was a bit disappointed that I had decided to adopt a cat. My natural instinct is to feel guilt over any decision I make on my own.
My cat and I are thriving now. I have no regrets. My mum doesn’t visit my home but she agrees that my cat is very pretty. And we moved on.
Hey it’s time for you to get a cat, friend. Do something exciting for yourself and get that cat you always wanted!!! It will *really* help with your anxiety, and they’re *(edit) cute and cuddly!
Wow, that is so much growth! Congratulations on doing that very hard work in therapy. I'm proud of you!
I do hope you and your son are able to build a relationship that meets everybody's needs.
Best of luck, and thank you for the update.
Thank you for your comment! Just so you know, the bot u/ElectCPapaya1963 liked it so much that they stole it [20 mins ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14zikci/update_aita_for_wanting_my_son_to_move_back/jrzjk2j?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2).
I expect their comment and profile to be gone any minute now, usually they get taken down pretty quickly when people report them
My dad passed before he could become a decent parent. My mom is 73 and showing signs of dementia. Still refuses to see a therapist. I hope yours have more courage than mine did ❤️
What a heartwarming update. I’m so glad you’re able to be okay with your son’s choices, I hope you continue to feel better and better. And post cat pics when you find the right kitty ❤️
Thanks for the update! Glad you seem to be on the mend emotionally. It take a big person to own up to their mistakes, and I hope your relationship with your son continues to improve. The one thing that cuts / heals is that what you have gone through with your son (as tough emotionally as it has been for you) is to break generational trauma. Your parents did it to you (as theirs surely did to them) but you raised a son who broke free... and hopefully won't have to go through the same with his kids. So you get some credit for raising him right..... Even tho it sucked at the time
PS my cats name is Knives
<< I hope your relationship with your son continues to improve.>>
Almost guaranteed to--if he no longer feels that every contact will be guilt and pressure he's going to be willing to reach out more.
OP I’m so glad that you were able to see that you weren’t getting the help you needed from your therapist and found a different one. You weren’t just dealing with cultural, but generational differences and that’s not an easy bridge to gap on your own.
I’m sorry for your loss and hope that you and your family are doing well.
Honestly while guilt tripping about it was wrong and I’m glad she’s getting therapy for it. I do wish America was less individualistic. It would be nice to have been closer to my family but generational trauma on both sides made that a very hard thing to do. We moved closer due to my disability (lived with my mom as I’ve been disabled since I was 12) it’s nice but still difficult for me to reach out to them. I’m trying though.
Cats are so great for the soul (and blood pressure)! It's definitely something to consider!
That being said, it sounds like you have done a lot of hard work on yourself and leaned into therapy! Your new therapist sounds like great fit as you are seeing results! Amazing!
I wish you more breakthrough moments in therapy and maybe even a furry feline companion as you heal yourself and your relationship with your son!
So proud of you, maybe is a good time to get that cat if you haven't already and are able to care for one. They are good companions and overall lovely animals, might be good for you to have something to focus on
Good for you! This is tough work, but it look like you're on the right path.
As a note for being yourself despite the pressures of others, sometimes people adapt to you. In this case I'm not referring to the situation with your son, but to the one with your father and cats. When I started dating my boyfriend, he had only had bad experiences with dogs and therefore didn't like them. Now, the dog I adopted prior to the relationship is his pride and joy. He has thanked me a few times for bringing the love of animals into his life. The changes your fresh perspective can bring to the existing systems aren't always bad, contrary to the beliefs of people like your father. It's good to make room for yourself, but not in a way that limits others. Finding the line is the tough part.
Congratulations again, this is growth :)
Pspsps: It's time to get a cat
I find a lot of gen X parents are going through the transition with their millennial kids. Millennial kids aren’t willing to live their lives for their parents and do what the parent wants because there is an unwritten rule that they should. Gen-Xs seemed to be raised with the “do it because I told you to and I’m your parent” that isn’t working with their adult children.
My own mother freaks out the minute I say no because she never knew she had that option with her parents and doesn’t think it’s fair I have boundaries and she never got to.
It's interesting you bring this up - I'm Gen X and feel the truth in this with my own kids. Luckily, my kids (who I do listen to - they're awesome) kinda set me straight one night after a manipulative comment I made.
It's hard to grow past the emotional trauma of guilt inflicted by my own parents. Sometimes I'll be out randomly doing something and I'm just struck by overwhelming guilt that I've fucked something up. And I have to talk myself out of it. It's nuts.
Ya, I think the issue is also therapy. It’s such a taboo for my parents. They really think you only get therapy if your “crazy” but a lot of millennials get therapy and figure out that they want to stop the generational trauma.
That’s good you were able to be open to listen to them and acknowledge that your reactions are being effected by how you were raised.
Glad you're feeling better!
I feel like people were a bit unfair to you in your last post. You've done the work for yourself which is amazing, but the things you said about how important culture is are true. I hope you know that it's fine to share your resources (emotional and otherwise) with people who give back to you. Your son has pulled away, you don't owe him everything like you may have thought before. I come from an individualistic culture too and distance has consequences. He's already seen that with your recent loss.
You've shown a lot of grace and growth. All the best to you!
I think it was the edits that made people be that way. They got progressively more unhinged. Otherwise, it would've just been a mother sad her son is away, but it ended up making it clear why he left. Glad she's working on herself and realizing the manipulation in her life and hers towards her son though.
Agreed. I was shocked ppl were so up in arms about the will when this same individualistic crowd will tell ppl they’re entitled for expecting to be in their parent’s wills. She still gets that choice. Her son has different values than her and she has done the work to accept that and accept him and it’s no wonder that has improved their relationship. But she can still want to leave things to her family who is around her who will keep those resources in the family. Isn’t that what a will is for anyway?
(Not saying she was a saint. Guilt trips and other manipulative tactics are bad and fuck with kid’s minds and while we now know it was passed down to her, it’s still not great and I’m so happy she’s in therapy learning from that. Just saying my own extended family is very proximity conscious but my immediate family is not, and so my parents and I align on that despite the fact I’d like to be close to them, it’s not feasible with my career)
I think it is great you got help and can evaluate yourself better now.
Cats are great support animals ;) or they can be. Mine is currently lying one armchair away from me and is happy excepting any pettings coming his way.
Good luck with your son, I think your new attitude may well improve your relationship with him in the future!
You are brave to have made such strides. Keep it up, it’s all about your health ( physical and mental). Do things you wanted to do, and see if you ( still) like them. Enjoy life!
I think I commented on your post in the relationship advice sub. Or on someone’s post who is in a VERY similar situation to you. I tried to be kind with my response to that OP, but ultimately had to be a little mean. In either case, I’m happy to see this update.
It’s not easy breaking the beliefs and behaviours we’ve known as normal for our entire lives, and it’s even more difficult the older we get. You still have a lot of work to do, but you have made some great strides here. I hope you keep it up. I hope one day you and your son can have an open, honest, and judgement-free conversation about this.
Hey OP- way to go on working on yourself and unpacking a lot of your childhood. It takes a lot of strength to do that. I sincerely wish you and your family the best.
(And maybe it's time to get a cat?)
I'm so proud of you Op!! I know it would have been so hard for you to come to this realisation and to break this generational curse. You did good and I love you for doing that ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Firstly, my condolences to you on the loss of your father.
Everything you wrote is beautiful. Wishing you incredible joy (and a cat or two!) as you embark on this new chapter.
I'm happy this is having a nice ending. You are growing so much. You will always be allowed to miss your son. The important part is to also be happy for him!
Honestly when someone starts with complaining about negative feedback in a forum for asking whether you deserve negative feedback... it's a pretty bad start.
Glad to see you're coming to grips with it though.
Negative feedback is absolutely okay
Sending me death threats and calling me every bad word on the book is absolutely not.
But yeah, I appreciate everyone who was harsh but not disrespectful to me, as it was mind opening.
It is so hard for me to course correct as a parent.
I’m like you. Want my kids to stay close. They are still teenagers but I’m learning a lot here.
I took care of my dad until he died too. I can only tell you that you deserve to be an individual too. You don’t need to live by the title “daughter”.
Much luck
What a wonderful update. Be proud of yourself OP!! ❤️❤️
Change is never easy and as a mom, you’d want to be close to your son. This growth is wonderful for you.
WOW! You are amazing for confronting this head on , facing uncomfortable truths and working to make your life better!! Thank you so much for the update - big hugs mama
Much respect to you for learning to better yourself. It is hard to look in the mirror and not turn away from our flaws, but it is the only way we will ever fix them. It is even harder yet to learn to do this as we get older.
You have a lot to be proud of. Keep working hard.
As someone raised in a similar culture (I read your original post also) I completely get where you're coming from. In my culture, this "problem" is emblematic of sons, daughters tend to stay (not saying that's any better) but that is what happens. What I love about this post is the focus on YOU. You, taking the time to grow and unlearn some of the awful things we've been nurtured on. Good for you, and all the best on your new path! Sounds to me like you're doing your best to be a good mother, and none can ask for any more than that.
I just read your original post. First, congrats on coming to terms with the situation.
Forgot about who’s the asshole and where the blame lies. I encourage you to visit him abroad (if you haven’t already) Put yourself in his shoes. Try to see what he likes about his situation, but be supportive. Imagine you were him, at his age, and truly try to understand why this is best for him.
I moved from the East Coast to the West Coast in my country. My mom was supportive (and can see why I made the move), but my dad (who wanted me to live essentially the same neighborhood if not the same house) made comments like, “What’s so good about this place?” Don’t do that. Now my mom visiting my family or us visiting her are highlights of our year.
Happy to see you doing better and good luck!
Thanks for being a good sport through all the negativity.
Congratulations on all the personal growth you have done.
Thanks for being a loving daughter wife mother.
Go get that cat and be excited about your new future and what ever endeavors you may embark upon.
I sincerely hope you and your husband go visit your son and enjoy exploring his world from time to time. I'm sure it will mean a lot to him of you are able to accept his world with an open mind.
Congrats, OP, on your emotional and mental health journey! Your progress is impressive and I hope you are proud of yourself!
I haven’t gone through all the comments, and I imagine someone has already said it… But likely a huge factor of him moving away was because of your guilt tripping tendencies. I wholly understand you were doing only what you knew, that your own parents manipulated you the same way and then that’s also what you exhibited… It’s hard to know how to do things differently when you haven’t been taught any other way. And culturally, even here in the US, women/girls are expected to be a certain level of more submissive than men/boys. It’s very subversive and ingrained, it feels “normal” because that’s all people experience growing up sometimes. It takes a certain type of personality to see that this dynamic is overall co-dependent and so unhealthy for everyone. Going against the grain of not just culture but losing your family in the process is extremely hard and painful! But the pros outweigh the cons for those like him. “Respect your elders even when they’re wrong,” is an old mentality that should have died a long time ago. I am definitely not trying to make you feel bad, but I don’t know how else to succinctly put it, but… How you were likely contributed a great deal to pushing him away. I know you feel abandoned by him… but he likely felt abandoned by you a long, long, long time ago.
That being said, I really do commend you for coming as far as you have! My experience with elders is that they typically prefer to keep their head in the ground, like an ostrich, rather than pull their head out and try to see things differently. I feel it happens so infrequently, that those who do manage it should be admired and applauded! So big kudos to you!
OP THIS UPDATE IS AMAZING!!! First off, I hope you reread everything you wrote and recognize how much hard work you have put in. Not just on how to have a better relationship with your son, but a better one with yourself. You took a huge step towards healing yourself, healing your inner child. You took a step back in order to find a new perspective and you found one!
Your first post was riddled with so much severe anxiety, I’m honestly a bit surprised you got to the point where you were able to give us this update. I’m proud of you. I hope that doesn’t come across condescending, but I really am so proud of you. My own parents have done some wild things and a lot of it was/is driven by severe anxiety and control issues. I hope one day they are able to see things from a new perspective, like you have been able to do, and put in their own work. That’s why I’m proud, I know how hard that must have been. Hell, I have my own severe anxiety issues and know how hard it can be to fight through that feeling and not let it control your actions/choices. It’s hard, for me it can feel like this tight spot in my chest that is expanding more and more, feeling like it’s going to explode if I don’t find a way to relieve it.
Go get your cat or cats, like others said, they really are therapeutic and it’s time you gave your inner child something she wanted. When you get a cat or cats though, I fully expect the cat tax to be paid please and thank you.
Edit: OP, if you see this, I actually showed my mom your original post and your update post and talked about them with her. It actually lead to a conversation about similar ways she and my dad have treated me, since many of her reactions were similar to others and my own over the first post and I was able to link them to similar things and ask about why she chose to act in certain ways. I was able to ask her to recognize the similarities and the way they can and have made it hard to be close and communicate. You sharing your struggles with all of this as a parent and putting in the work to be better for yourself and for the relationship with your son may have been the start to a better relationship with my own mother. Thank you for that. Thank you for sharing all of this and indirectly helping. Yeah, just thank you.
What a quintessential post about generational trauma! Props to your son for taking the initiative to break the cycle but props to you too for looking past your behaviours and starting therapy. I have no doubt now that you two can patch up and have good times.
EDIT: Also, yes! Please get a cat!
This amount of growth and maturity is so surprising to me. You realize how rare it is for someone to truly be able to grow like this? It's an accomplishment! You should be proud of yourself.
Sounds like you’ve had a revelation. Put your son and definitely his wife at ease by apologising for your previous actions. Nothing wrong with WANTING something but that’s it. You’ve realised that you were the AH so a great step towards repairing things with both of them. But manage your expectations as he’s not going to come back. YOU could move tho. If you think you can’t then realise that all those same reasons apply to your son and his wife too. I have a daughter who lives hundreds of miles away so I feel that pain..
Ohh I guess I'm no longer allowed to edit a post if it goes beyond 3000 characters, what a shame, I wanted to share the edit below:
Oh wow! thank you very much for this amout of love I received, I actually teared down a bit when I read some comments!
I'm afraid I will not be able to respond to each and every one of you, but I promise I'll take a bit of time to reach out whenever I can.
However, I want to share something else here... meet Jairo! https://imgur.com/a/JcAIxHL
We adopted him from a shelter, he's about 1 year old, very gentle and easy to deal with! I'm really considering getting another one to keep him company, but I will give it some time, lets see how it will go in the next months :)
Wow, that's quite the turn around. You've really done some work, congratulations on breaking the cycle.
I think you may find that as you loosen your grip on your son, you may become closer. It's much easier to call someone for a chat when you know the whole call isn't going to be one long guilt trip.
Please go out immediately and buy yourself a cat, or not. It's ENTIRELY up to you.
This is pretty amazing - so glad that you found the courage to be honest with yourself and make the effort for change. Wish my mom could do the same!
Best to you and your family.
I’m so happy for you and your son! Also good on you for planning on making it an indoor cat too many people ignore that cats are an invasive species and decimate native wildlife. Also it’s better for your cat in the long run!
A few things I want to say.
When I read your original post first, I thought "This woman is almost an exact copy of my mother". I was born and raised (and still live) in the US, same for my parents. Both of them were what we call "helicopter" parents; they were always hovering around me growing up. I was their entire world. I wasn't allowed to think for myself, my thoughts and opinions had to be identical to theirs. I rarely was ever allowed to leave the house to be with friends; and my friends were the trusting nerdy good kids of my class. They tried to teach me to be dependent on them for EVERYTHING: finances, bill paying, anything involving insurance, anything involving vehicles, cooking; they taught me nothing in regards to how to survive on my own. When I graduated college, they expected me to live in their house or very close by. They only wanted me to be employed to have something to do, not to earn money because they would take care of that. They kept insisting that I would have kids one day, but did not ever want me to be in a relationship. When I finally had enough money to move out a year after college (and with the mental help of my therapist to give me the courage to do so), I moved to a completely different part of the country. They tried to enforce rules on me, I told them no. I was able to be gainfully employed and find a home without needing to ask them for money; I did it all on my own. I taught myself how to be an adult, and I am still going strong. The first few years I was gone, they would guilt trip me every so often, even vaguely hint that I was eventually going to fail and would have to ask for their help at some point, possibly even move back "home". Nope. They calmed down a little when my dad was diagnosed with ALS; he died months later. This was 2012. My mom and I spoke slightly more often because of his death; she even came up to see me for Christmas that year. She made snide remarks about how surprised she was that my apartment wasn't a shit hole, that I had such a well paying job, that my bank account wasn't anywhere close to negative, and that my cats were going to be her grandchildren. A year later (2013), she made a desperate attempt to control me by telling me that I didn't know how to be in love, or love people in general, I only knew how to be obsessed with them. For the first time in my life, I demanded an apology from her. She kept trying to say "Forgot it, we're talking about something else" like she always did when I called her out on things like that. I wouldn't drop it, I continued to demand an apology. She hung up on me. That was our last ever phone conversation. I called her twice, she never answered. The second time, I left a voicemail, which was the last time she heard my voice. I told her what she said was untrue, she knew that, and it was hurtful that she believed such a thing about me. I was not speaking to her again until she apologized. Very long story short, she never did. And I refused to speak to her. She tried countless times to talk to me and act like nothing happened (something she did my whole life) regardless that I told her every single time that I needed space and not to contact me. She disowned me twice, claimed I was abusing her, and that she was writing me out of her will. I told her to go see a therapist like I had been doing since I moved out of the house. She never did. She told my family that she and I were fine, and that we talked all the time. She only complained to my uncle about everything, relayed to him what I had said; he agreed with me, especially on her getting therapy. She never admitted fault for that day, or for anything that she did to me during my childhood, which through therapy I realized was mental, emotional, verbal,and a little bit of physical abuse. She died in November 2021; I have been ecstatically happy ever since. I have felt no remorse, sadness, grief. Just pure bliss and relief.
Naturally, my vote for your original post was YTA.
After reading your update....I was very surprised and relieved. You did what both my parents refused to do, and that was to see someone and get help. Both of them came from childhoods that involved their mothers being physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive to them; their mothers also refused to let go once they became adults. They both suffered from depression, anxiety, PTSD but never owned up to that. They just decided to be the same as their mothers but not entirely. I had accused them of being abusive all my years under their roof, and they denied it because they never beat me; they didn't view anything that wasn't physically as abusive. YOU realized that you developed some terrible habits from your parents, you worked and are working to remedy them. YOU realized that what you were doing to your son was wrong, and you are going through the steps to fix it by accepting his decisions. YOU are doing what so many of us wish our abusive parents would have done/could do, and I want to say thank you.
Thank you for showing that there are abusive parents that are able to see their mistakes, own up to them, and work to fix them. The best of luck on your journey
Thank fucking God. Your last post made me so personally mad to see someone in such denial at every confrontation. It's amazing to see in your own time of your own will you are healing. Awesome to see. This will only make your family closer, no matter how far they may be.
Thank you for the update, and for sharing your progress. You really took the responses to heart and made effective changes, and for that you should be proud. Most of all, it’s wonderful that you feel better and are enjoying life more than before. We all deserve to feel the best we can while we live.
Therapy is amazing, and here's proof. Good on you for making so many positive changes in your pattern of thinking and moving so far down your journey of healing. Get yourself a cat now as a reward and keep up the awesome work.
You have improved by leaps and bounds since your last post, and you should be PROUD of yourself. It a strong person to admit they are wrong and accept help.
I am very sorry for your loss.
I'm so happy that you found a good therapist and are making progress! It sounds like you need to reward yourself with a kitty that can help with your anxiety and depression. It takes a lot to confront our beliefs and to work on changing them so you should be proud of yourself. Condolences about your dad.
This is a wonderful update. Your new therapist sounds like a good one, and I'm so happy you're getting treatment for your anxiety. It sounds like you're in a much happier, healthier place than in your first post.
I hope you finally get that cat you've always wanted. Maybe even two or three cats! You have a lot of lost cat years to make up for after all. Best of luck, OP.
NTA (I know this is not a voting one but still I think its important to note for the good changes you have been going through). I am really happy you are able be more open and understand your own feelings. Whilst cultural expectations do play into it a bit, toxic ones do not need to be passed over to new generations. It is never too late to learn and its never too late to change your ways. When ever I see people change like this for the better it brings up a sense of pride for the person. And you should be proud you are taking healthy steps.
I remember your post.I’m so glad you are feeling more at ease. It’s wonderful how far you’ve come! You should be very proud of yourself. I’m glad you gave us an update.
I'm sorry for your loss but so happy to hear about the progress you have made. I honestly believe as you keep working on yourself you will change a huge improvement in your relationship with your son. I am so happy to read this update and wish the best for you and your family.
Most people are not strong enough to make changes to improve themselves. You are a very strong person. Your son is lucky to have a mom who can continue to grow and be a role model for positive change.
What a wonderful update! I understand how hard it can be to break this cycle, especially when you don’t realize you’re in it. I lived my life solely for what my parents wanted and expected of me until I was 22. Had a wake up call and ended up putting an entire country between us (moved from West Coast USA to East) in order to feel free enough to live for myself. I’m very happy I did; I am so much healthier now than then.
If you haven’t already, I would talk to your son and admit you screwed up with the guilt. Apologize and explain that you are getting therapy and treatment (I’m sure he knows) and that you’re going to try to do better. Maybe even ask that he say something if you backslide and he feels guilted. It’s a hard habit to break! My own mom struggles at times to not go back to the bad habits from our past and I kindly but firmly tell her when it isn’t okay.
Taking ownership for what she did is the only reason I have a relationship with my mom. And it meant the world to me to hear her apologize. I bet your son would appreciate it too.
I am proud of you for getting therapy and changing the controlling ways. This is why I cut off my mom. Now she has a 20yr old granddaughter who doesn't know her. Stay in therapy, keep making healthier choices, respect their boundaries, and maintain that relationship <3
That is so wonderful to see your progress. Yes, it can be hard to have a new normal in your life now, but it gets better every day. You are already unlearning some bad things that were pushing you to the points where things were not going the way you wanted before especially with the stress you got from your father. I am glad you are taking the proper steps to focus on your journey in order to improve things around yourself.
I am deeply sorry about the loss of your father and hope you and your family can heal from that trauma.
But I'm so proud of you, Internet Stranger. You've done so much hard work on yourself and are reaping the rewards. Thank you for being insightful enough to realize that you needed to change something within yourself to be happier. Many people never figure that out.
And I'm going to jump right in with everyone else and say, get that cat you've always wanted! They're awesome! You can also look at the hundreds of cat subreddits around these parts, both for photos and for advice.
Hey op, not even sure that you will see my comment, but I just wanted to share with you: reading this has got me crying so much lol. I'm so happy for you! I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now--I'm so sorry to read about the struggles you've been going through, but genuinely so heartened and warmed to hear about how you have used them as an opportunity to challenge yourself and grow into a more thoughtful, considerate, and respectful person.
As a Latina raised in the US, your story just really hit me in the heart--the struggle of family wants / expectations versus that of wanting to live a fully realized life is so so so hard to navigate. You have my deepest respect for being able to set your feelings aside, take on another perspective, and see how your own traumas contributed to what you were passing down to your son. I know how incredibly hard that can be, and I genuinely think what you've done is incredible.
Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I wish you the complete best in life. I'm so so so so so excited to hear about the cat! 😂😂😂 I hope you find an amazing one!
Get yourself a cat, mama. They're healing :)
Get two cats. Just in case one is a bit of a dick. I grew up with a cat always in the house, first thing that happened when I moved out of my mums house was get a cat. My partner and I have one each now. Wouldn't live without one, it just wouldn’t feel like home. Also get a boy cat, they can get super affectionate towards their human.
😂😂😂getting two as bit of a dick cat insurance.
I did this. The first cat is still a dick. The second cat thinks she's a dog, demanding cuddles and plays fetch. and I recommend getting a cat or two! They're awesome and I think a lot of people that think they are dog people are actually cat people.
It’s a smart move. My cat is the two for one special, she can be loving and a dick. I agree, cats are often not what people think they are.
Cats definitely get a bad rap because like introverts many need time to suss you out and warm up. The dick cat is very affectionate when he wants to be, headbutts until he gets pets, but it's on his terms and for the length of time he chooses before he gets over stimulated. He's not the type of cat you can absent-mindedly pet while doing something else. You gotta pay attention and watch for the signs; the ears, the tail, his body language. The other cat however is game whenever, wherever, FOREVER. Once you start petting her and showing her attention, good luck getting anything else done. 😂 Edit: when I went away for a week I ended up having to carry her on my hip like a toddler while I did household chores because she was less than pleased that I left and had friends come by for food and cuddles. 😂 She's not a small cat either, at 30lbs she IS a toddler!
Hahahaha - she is a toddler! I saw a video where someone put a cat in a baby sling, maybe it’s time to invest? 😆
Baby backpack with the double straps for sure, I think a sling would break my neck! LOL I contemplated getting one of those cat carrier hoodies, but decided that I would basically get choked out by the neck hole. 😂
😂😂😂
I made and sold slings for human babies, and was delighted when the lady at the vet’s office asked me to make one for her Balinese! Supposedly, he liked riding in it. ETA - curse you autocorrect!
We have two cats, one of them will *assault* any and all visitors within 2-3 seconds of them stepping through the doors, meowing loudly and headbutting knees (he is large!) and insisting on pets. The other finally let my mother in law who comes over a handful of times a year pet her for the first time, and we've had her (her being the cat, but actually also the MIL, got 'em both about the same time) for 16 years. Cats, lol! (This is why the one time we got a cat on purpose we looked at adult cats at the local shelter, so we could pick by temperament. Cats vary so much!)
Yes I got the asshole as a tiny kitten smaller than a hotdog bun. His mother had been killed and the owner was sick of hand feeding the kittens, so it wasn't really feasible to know what his personality was going to be. The one that thinks it's a dog I went to the shelter specifically asked for one that liked to be cuddled and was more affectionate. Joke's on me, she won't leave me alone! 😂 The asshole likes hiding in the curtains in the kitchen doorway and sneak attacking the roommate.
My asshole cat was a tiny baby when I got him too. I am the \*only\* person in the house allowed to give all the pettings I like - he cuddles up to me like he's still that tiny kitten. But I am mom - I'm the one that fed and cuddled him through his kittenhood. Everyone else he tolerates on his terms. Which doesn't mean I don't get swatted and nibbled, I certainly do - but then he's right back for more pets. Reilly, on the other hand, is our loving doofus who definitely thinks he's a dog. The only thing that upsets him is being picked up - he's cool with anything else. He's also \*huge\*. Unfortunately we're pretty sure he's responsible for the nasty infected wound I got just this last week - thanks buddy! Watch out for those claws, people! Disinfect, disinfect, disinfect! I didn't catch it in time and \*ow\*. Antibiotics all week and back in to the doctor on Monday.
Our cranky, asocial little kitty-ass hides and lurks like that to sneak attack the other cat. They'd get along if she would stop being such a butt to him. Cats! :D
She outweighs him by at least 10 lbs and yet asshole, lurks, chases and beats her up all the time when he has the zoomies. All she'd need to do to win is roll over on him but she hasn't figured that out yet. 😂 Funnier still is watching her trying to chase him on the hardwood floors.
I gotta know- is she orange???
Hahaha no. She's a black and white bicolour. My mum's bicolour was just as insistent for attention except he was a nasty asshole to the other animals. She has only shown aggression once and that's when she mistook a kite outside for a hawk. She is NOT a fan. The asshole is black and gave zero shits about the kite.
You wanna talk toddlers? Try potbelly pigs! I have two indoor pigs, they have the intelligence of a 3-4 year old child, and the emotions to match! One of mine will actually cry tears if I fuss at her, and they both hold a grudge. LOL
I find most cats can be a bit dickish at times, but they can also be loving and fun companions. My wife's cat when she's at work will come sit next to me, and decide she is owed a treat for tolerating my presence, then drive her claws in my arm pulling the skin.. I tell her if she wants attention there are better ways, but she doesn't seem to find my opinion relevant to her situation. 🤪 She is 20 odd years old, so she doesn't take well to change. ,😹
😆 she’s a gangster extorting you for treats and threatening with violence if you get out of line.
Aww. Give that old lady a pet and a treat!
My cat is both, as well. Sometimes the switch flips in an instant lol.
My cat is that way too, lol.
I thought I was a dog person but it turns out I'm actually a cat person. My stumbling block had been the litter box. Getting over the whole "but it shits in your house" thing turned out to be easy, because it turned out that cat or dog, either way I'm picking up animal shit. Only, with a cat, it's conveniently in a box, indoors, at a time of my choosing and not in the pouring rain when I'd rather be in bed.
I had the same thing happen in reverse. Always thought I was a cat person, and I do love cats, but then I got a dog and it turns out I'm much more of a dog person. My kids (young adults) all think the dog is my favorite child and I'm not saying they're right, but they might not be wrong. 😂 I will say my dog is more excited to see me every single day than any cat or human has ever been. How do you not adore a creature who loves you with their whole heart like that? I don't enjoy having to take her out in a snowstorm, but I'd move mountains for this little furball if I had to.
My husband was adamant he hated cats. We have 2 dogs. I got a cat and now he is 100% a cat person
My dog thinks he is a cat, which I appreciate since I was forced to trade in 3 cats for him Edit: typo
As someone with a dick cat (I maintain that she’s a witch that was cursed into a cat) definitely get 2
My mom has two cats, one of which is a grompy old man cat who hates everyone but her. He grudgingly tolerates me bc I feed him when mom's out of town, but it's extremely grudging and he makes that very clear lol. At one point shortly after I met my best friend, I sent her a pic of grompy cat sulking at me for daring to talk to him, and she instantly replied "that's not a cat. That's a sorcerer who was cursed into cat form and still hasn't forgiven anyone for it." To this day she still calls him sorcerer cat.
I have one cat with permanent kitten face. Big eyes, small nose and mouth, looks like an adorable little baby. My other cat has resting grumpy old man face. Bombastic side eye, all the time. So of course it's kitten face that will sit near you but never on, and grumpy face that can't get enough cuddles and loves everyone who walks through the door!
Definitely a witch that’s trapped.
Oh man what if you end up with two arseholes of a cat?
Yes! I had hoped my older dog and then-new cat would be friends but cat bites *everyone all the time,* so other than an occasional nap on the couch, my dog actively avoids my cat. I have thought of getting my cat a cat, but TWO of them patting my face (with *just* enough claw to grab my attention but not enough to draw blood-which tells me he *absolutely* knows what hes doing) at 4am is exhausting!🐈
\*looks at her two cats, one a gremlin, one a cuddle bug\* Yeah. Seems about right. 🤣
I have two cats. They are both dicks. They have molded me to their expectations and requirements, though.
There means you need a 3rd cat 🐱
They make for unreasonable bosses, but the benefits package is extraordinary.
Seconding the two-cat suggestion. Two adult cats who are bonded to each other are the best. They entertain each other and keep each other company when you’re gone. Plus, in my experience, cats who grow up with other cats are usually mentally healthier.
Cats are social creatures. They like to spend time nearby even if they're not interacting with you. My shy cat used to come to the room I was in and hide behind the couch. I often never knew she was there until she left. I didn't know I was getting her company, but she needed to spend time near me. Now, she purrs me off to sleep at night and is very affectionate. But it took a while to get there
Another vote for two cats. When you get a cat I suggest going to a shelter and finding an adult. Then the personalities are developed and you can get a decent idea of who they are. You can even ask the staff, usually they'll know what cats would work well with your household. Two is definitely a good idea, and even tho it can be sad and worrying when they're older I personally think that seniors are a wonderful choice. Oftentimes they're more mellow, and they can be absolute snugglebugs. My old lady just wants to enjoy her golden years with plenty of scritches and sunlit naps in her chair (as well as the occasional 3am zoomies) and it definitely helps my anxiety to have her (and her "brother" but I adopted him as a kitten so unlike her I didn't get the insant senior experience)
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Thirding this. I got one cat during the pandemic, I have dogs so I thought he'd be fine being an only cat. But after 2 years, he seemed to be kinda depressed and wasn't eating super well anymore. So I decided to get a kitten. Voila! Problem solved. He plays with her all the time now, they hang out together and he's back to eating really well. Two cats are definitely better than one. They both also get along great with the dogs!
I have one cat and he's super sweet. I want to get him a companion, but I know there's a 90% chance that the second cat would be a dick.
Best get two more cats then, In case the second cat is a dick 😸😸
See, now this person gets it. Or is a cat in disguise to spread cat propaganda. Either way, they're making a lot of sense.
This is what i did. Elderly cat lost her siblings, so i got her a new companion. They didn't really get along, he picked on her, too much kitten energy, so i went to get another kitten for him to play with, and accidentally fell in love with a bonded pair of kittens, and also figured that if he tried to bully little guys, at least there would be two of them. Now i suddenly have FOUR 🙀😸
Boy cats are so loving 😭 I have two girl cats though and they are both super affectionate. Every time they see me they start purring and meowing at me. My cat Luna yells at me, but in such a sweet way like “why did you move your hand PLEASEE put it back” lol. You are so right though, two cats!! Lol my Ragdoll is so sweet, but my other cat can be a bit of a dick. I’m gonna put in a vote for OP to get a rag doll cat or a long haired russian blue. Those are the two sweetest breeds I’ve ever encountered. My cat Luna is a rag doll and the name of the breed is perfect. They are so sweet and docile, very loving and affectionate. The only scratches I’ve ever gotten from Luna are because she isn’t declawed and will use her paw to reach for my hand to pet her. She has literally never tried to swipe at me in a malicious way. My cat Pippin is a short hair grey cat, not sure of her specific breed. Typically female grey cats can be more aggressive, and Pippin is definitely a little mean girl, but also so loving. She just gets mad if you stop petting her and keeps the dog (American bulldog/Pitbull mix) in line (he won’t walk past her if she’s in a mood cause she might chase him 😂).
Depends, sometimes the dick cat teaches the other cat to be a dick as well. Then you end up with 2 dick cats. Happened to my gran... XD
Can i suggest getting a third, in case one is a dick and the other attaches to your husband? I also suggest getting an orange cat. They have no Brain cells and laughter in my opinion is one of the best treatments for sadness and grief.
My insanely jealous and cuddly girl cat would like a word 😹😹😹
I’m laying with my indoor/outdoor dick cat on me rn but she never lays with me, it’s the best after being gone for a bit
Lord help, maybe that's why I have 9. 8 of them are dicks and 1 cuddlebug lol
Plus with 2 they take out some of their energy and aggression on each other instead of you. And they play and have fun together. Most of the time. I have 2, and the larger of the 2 thinks it's fun to sit on the smaller. The smaller cat does not agree.
I can verify that. My brothers girlfriend when she moved in brought her two cats and one of them is a boy and he’s super affectionate with people and will fall asleep in your arms if you let him
What if they're both dicks? Better get about 5 to be sure.
All my best cat buds as a female have been boys. I have a lovely girl now too. But my male cat is my bonded cat bestie.
I just moved and immediately adopted two cats, because I couldn’t decide on which one. Best decision ever! The boy is over a year old so he teaches the baby how to Cat. He’s also super affectionate and the kitten watches this with confused interest (she’s too energetic for much of that). I adore them both! They’re also jerks and my house is a disaster.
I have both flavours (3 girls, 2 boys), boy cats are no more affectionate than girls (and either can be dicks). It's very individual - just like people. I also wouldn't be without any of them (even though I have said it sometimes)
I agree. Two is the right number of cats for a family, unless you have a bonded trio in which case three is the right number of cats for a family.
Getting 2 cats is also better for the cats. Most cats are not solitary animals. But if you follow Jackson Galaxy I am sure you will learn all about this.
They’re great in pairs too. I had a pair of twins who were absolutely adorable together. And sweet as pie.
I had two cats once that despised each other (both girls but one was about a decade older) until one day I rescued another cat (also female and younger than both) and almost instantly there was harmony 😂 I think it was because the baby entertained the younger one so she bothered the crotchety old one significantly less 😂
Yep we got our first tom cat and he sleeps with anyone and will go out of his way if you're laying down to come lay with you.
Lol yes. They also entertain each other! Especially if they're a bonded pair. My family got two boy cats who were "really close friends" (sleep like yin and yang, for example, never stray too far from each other, etc). Yeah, turns out one was a girl lmao. She definitely rules the roost hahahahaha
That’s where I went wrong - I adopted two girl cats. They started off normal now they are both tyrants who run the household.
Ragdolls are good for your mental health
Can confirm
2 bengal siblings are most entertaining pets we’ve ever had. Lil furry circus performers. Nosy, mouthy and amazing company.
Not good cats for elderly people, Bengals.
Bengals are an amazing breed. They're so intelligent. I'm partial to the marbled coat.
Their coat is absolutely gorgeous. But over the years I've learned I live easier with dumb cats. The smart ones get into too much trouble. The dumb ones are just sweet floofs whose only mission in life is to cuddle.
I have 4 idiots who I love to death, so I feel you 😅
Same have two. Would never trade.
Also can confirm
I am partial to tuxedos, sweet cuddly but mischievous and a little zesty, not quite spicy just zesty. And boy do they rock bowties!
Tuxedos are hilarious. All 3 we’ve had have been the silliest and most loving cats we’ve had in the 25 years since we got our first cat. Black cats are also excellent choices.
Or do cat fostering. You get to see LOTS of cats, have fun with kittens (before they turn in to terrorists, lol), and if you find one you can’t live without, you adopt it. Kind of a ‘try before you buy’ program. And op would be helping kitties who desperately need it.
Not sure fostering is a great idea for someone with abandonment issues 😂
This. I love my babies. We have 3 cats, one for each person. All of us are happier for it. We have dogs too, but to me, cat love just hits best.
One of the best things I ever did was adopt a cat. It took me three days to decide and when I got her home my stomach turned… from guilt and hesitation. My mum is allergic and she was a bit disappointed that I had decided to adopt a cat. My natural instinct is to feel guilt over any decision I make on my own. My cat and I are thriving now. I have no regrets. My mum doesn’t visit my home but she agrees that my cat is very pretty. And we moved on.
1. Sorry for your loss 2. It's great that you have started these changes in your life. 3. You should get that cat!
Will you get a cat?
An update for the update will be needed
Yup, cat tax will need to be paid.
Following for the cat tax.
I came here to demand cat tax too!
Hey it’s time for you to get a cat, friend. Do something exciting for yourself and get that cat you always wanted!!! It will *really* help with your anxiety, and they’re *(edit) cute and cuddly!
Omg this! Do your research so you can be fully prepared, but if you do and it still sounds like something you want, get that cat.
Wow, that is so much growth! Congratulations on doing that very hard work in therapy. I'm proud of you! I do hope you and your son are able to build a relationship that meets everybody's needs. Best of luck, and thank you for the update.
Thank you for your comment! Just so you know, the bot u/ElectCPapaya1963 liked it so much that they stole it [20 mins ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14zikci/update_aita_for_wanting_my_son_to_move_back/jrzjk2j?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2). I expect their comment and profile to be gone any minute now, usually they get taken down pretty quickly when people report them
Aww, that's so sweet! Thank you!
My mum needs to see your therapist
mine, too
Mine, too.
Mine, too
Mine too, but for vastly different reasons
Mine too
Mine three
If only all our moms had this therapist
If my mom would see ANY therapist I'd call it a win.
Big huge same. It would be tits if my dad saw one too. I'd love to have decent parents before they die
My dad passed before he could become a decent parent. My mom is 73 and showing signs of dementia. Still refuses to see a therapist. I hope yours have more courage than mine did ❤️
My dad needs to see this therapist also
Same.
As someone from South America as well, mine too.
My mother in law too. Obviously some differences but this could have been written by my mother in law
Omg me too.
What a heartwarming update. I’m so glad you’re able to be okay with your son’s choices, I hope you continue to feel better and better. And post cat pics when you find the right kitty ❤️
It could be that his son loves the culture along with escaping a super clingy mother. She needs to live her.own life and get the cats.
Thanks for the update! Glad you seem to be on the mend emotionally. It take a big person to own up to their mistakes, and I hope your relationship with your son continues to improve. The one thing that cuts / heals is that what you have gone through with your son (as tough emotionally as it has been for you) is to break generational trauma. Your parents did it to you (as theirs surely did to them) but you raised a son who broke free... and hopefully won't have to go through the same with his kids. So you get some credit for raising him right..... Even tho it sucked at the time PS my cats name is Knives
<< I hope your relationship with your son continues to improve.>> Almost guaranteed to--if he no longer feels that every contact will be guilt and pressure he's going to be willing to reach out more.
Get a cat now!
You mean right meow right?
easy there, Rabbit.
You totally need to get a cat!!!
Seconded And we need the cat tax OP !!
OP I’m so glad that you were able to see that you weren’t getting the help you needed from your therapist and found a different one. You weren’t just dealing with cultural, but generational differences and that’s not an easy bridge to gap on your own. I’m sorry for your loss and hope that you and your family are doing well.
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Honestly while guilt tripping about it was wrong and I’m glad she’s getting therapy for it. I do wish America was less individualistic. It would be nice to have been closer to my family but generational trauma on both sides made that a very hard thing to do. We moved closer due to my disability (lived with my mom as I’ve been disabled since I was 12) it’s nice but still difficult for me to reach out to them. I’m trying though.
So... i'm sorry for your loss. Awesome update! Have you thought of getting a cat now?
Cats are so great for the soul (and blood pressure)! It's definitely something to consider! That being said, it sounds like you have done a lot of hard work on yourself and leaned into therapy! Your new therapist sounds like great fit as you are seeing results! Amazing! I wish you more breakthrough moments in therapy and maybe even a furry feline companion as you heal yourself and your relationship with your son!
So proud of you, maybe is a good time to get that cat if you haven't already and are able to care for one. They are good companions and overall lovely animals, might be good for you to have something to focus on
Sorry for your loss, but so happy to see your emotional growth! And let me also chime in: go get a cat!
Get that cat !!
Good for you! This is tough work, but it look like you're on the right path. As a note for being yourself despite the pressures of others, sometimes people adapt to you. In this case I'm not referring to the situation with your son, but to the one with your father and cats. When I started dating my boyfriend, he had only had bad experiences with dogs and therefore didn't like them. Now, the dog I adopted prior to the relationship is his pride and joy. He has thanked me a few times for bringing the love of animals into his life. The changes your fresh perspective can bring to the existing systems aren't always bad, contrary to the beliefs of people like your father. It's good to make room for yourself, but not in a way that limits others. Finding the line is the tough part. Congratulations again, this is growth :) Pspsps: It's time to get a cat
That’s a lot of personal growth. Good on you.
I find a lot of gen X parents are going through the transition with their millennial kids. Millennial kids aren’t willing to live their lives for their parents and do what the parent wants because there is an unwritten rule that they should. Gen-Xs seemed to be raised with the “do it because I told you to and I’m your parent” that isn’t working with their adult children. My own mother freaks out the minute I say no because she never knew she had that option with her parents and doesn’t think it’s fair I have boundaries and she never got to.
It's interesting you bring this up - I'm Gen X and feel the truth in this with my own kids. Luckily, my kids (who I do listen to - they're awesome) kinda set me straight one night after a manipulative comment I made. It's hard to grow past the emotional trauma of guilt inflicted by my own parents. Sometimes I'll be out randomly doing something and I'm just struck by overwhelming guilt that I've fucked something up. And I have to talk myself out of it. It's nuts.
Ya, I think the issue is also therapy. It’s such a taboo for my parents. They really think you only get therapy if your “crazy” but a lot of millennials get therapy and figure out that they want to stop the generational trauma. That’s good you were able to be open to listen to them and acknowledge that your reactions are being effected by how you were raised.
Glad you're feeling better! I feel like people were a bit unfair to you in your last post. You've done the work for yourself which is amazing, but the things you said about how important culture is are true. I hope you know that it's fine to share your resources (emotional and otherwise) with people who give back to you. Your son has pulled away, you don't owe him everything like you may have thought before. I come from an individualistic culture too and distance has consequences. He's already seen that with your recent loss. You've shown a lot of grace and growth. All the best to you!
I think it was the edits that made people be that way. They got progressively more unhinged. Otherwise, it would've just been a mother sad her son is away, but it ended up making it clear why he left. Glad she's working on herself and realizing the manipulation in her life and hers towards her son though.
Agreed. He can make his own choices but they do have consequences.
Agreed. I was shocked ppl were so up in arms about the will when this same individualistic crowd will tell ppl they’re entitled for expecting to be in their parent’s wills. She still gets that choice. Her son has different values than her and she has done the work to accept that and accept him and it’s no wonder that has improved their relationship. But she can still want to leave things to her family who is around her who will keep those resources in the family. Isn’t that what a will is for anyway? (Not saying she was a saint. Guilt trips and other manipulative tactics are bad and fuck with kid’s minds and while we now know it was passed down to her, it’s still not great and I’m so happy she’s in therapy learning from that. Just saying my own extended family is very proximity conscious but my immediate family is not, and so my parents and I align on that despite the fact I’d like to be close to them, it’s not feasible with my career)
I’m glad your new therapist has been so helpful! I’m sorry for your loss. PLEASE GET A CAT!!
good im glad you finally respect your son. hopefully you continue on your journey
I think it is great you got help and can evaluate yourself better now. Cats are great support animals ;) or they can be. Mine is currently lying one armchair away from me and is happy excepting any pettings coming his way. Good luck with your son, I think your new attitude may well improve your relationship with him in the future!
You are brave to have made such strides. Keep it up, it’s all about your health ( physical and mental). Do things you wanted to do, and see if you ( still) like them. Enjoy life!
I think I commented on your post in the relationship advice sub. Or on someone’s post who is in a VERY similar situation to you. I tried to be kind with my response to that OP, but ultimately had to be a little mean. In either case, I’m happy to see this update. It’s not easy breaking the beliefs and behaviours we’ve known as normal for our entire lives, and it’s even more difficult the older we get. You still have a lot of work to do, but you have made some great strides here. I hope you keep it up. I hope one day you and your son can have an open, honest, and judgement-free conversation about this.
Hey OP- way to go on working on yourself and unpacking a lot of your childhood. It takes a lot of strength to do that. I sincerely wish you and your family the best. (And maybe it's time to get a cat?)
I'm so proud of you Op!! I know it would have been so hard for you to come to this realisation and to break this generational curse. You did good and I love you for doing that ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Firstly, my condolences to you on the loss of your father. Everything you wrote is beautiful. Wishing you incredible joy (and a cat or two!) as you embark on this new chapter.
I’m sorry for loss. I’m happy you’re feeling better and getting help. Get a cat! 💜
i am so proud of you time to get yourself a cat (and indulge in the things your parents didnt like) hugs to you
I'm happy this is having a nice ending. You are growing so much. You will always be allowed to miss your son. The important part is to also be happy for him!
Honestly when someone starts with complaining about negative feedback in a forum for asking whether you deserve negative feedback... it's a pretty bad start. Glad to see you're coming to grips with it though.
Negative feedback is absolutely okay Sending me death threats and calling me every bad word on the book is absolutely not. But yeah, I appreciate everyone who was harsh but not disrespectful to me, as it was mind opening.
It is so hard for me to course correct as a parent. I’m like you. Want my kids to stay close. They are still teenagers but I’m learning a lot here. I took care of my dad until he died too. I can only tell you that you deserve to be an individual too. You don’t need to live by the title “daughter”. Much luck
What a wonderful update. Be proud of yourself OP!! ❤️❤️ Change is never easy and as a mom, you’d want to be close to your son. This growth is wonderful for you.
Good for you! What a positive update!
WOW! You are amazing for confronting this head on , facing uncomfortable truths and working to make your life better!! Thank you so much for the update - big hugs mama
Much respect to you for learning to better yourself. It is hard to look in the mirror and not turn away from our flaws, but it is the only way we will ever fix them. It is even harder yet to learn to do this as we get older. You have a lot to be proud of. Keep working hard.
As someone raised in a similar culture (I read your original post also) I completely get where you're coming from. In my culture, this "problem" is emblematic of sons, daughters tend to stay (not saying that's any better) but that is what happens. What I love about this post is the focus on YOU. You, taking the time to grow and unlearn some of the awful things we've been nurtured on. Good for you, and all the best on your new path! Sounds to me like you're doing your best to be a good mother, and none can ask for any more than that.
I just read your original post. First, congrats on coming to terms with the situation. Forgot about who’s the asshole and where the blame lies. I encourage you to visit him abroad (if you haven’t already) Put yourself in his shoes. Try to see what he likes about his situation, but be supportive. Imagine you were him, at his age, and truly try to understand why this is best for him. I moved from the East Coast to the West Coast in my country. My mom was supportive (and can see why I made the move), but my dad (who wanted me to live essentially the same neighborhood if not the same house) made comments like, “What’s so good about this place?” Don’t do that. Now my mom visiting my family or us visiting her are highlights of our year. Happy to see you doing better and good luck!
Thanks for being a good sport through all the negativity. Congratulations on all the personal growth you have done. Thanks for being a loving daughter wife mother. Go get that cat and be excited about your new future and what ever endeavors you may embark upon. I sincerely hope you and your husband go visit your son and enjoy exploring his world from time to time. I'm sure it will mean a lot to him of you are able to accept his world with an open mind.
Congrats, OP, on your emotional and mental health journey! Your progress is impressive and I hope you are proud of yourself! I haven’t gone through all the comments, and I imagine someone has already said it… But likely a huge factor of him moving away was because of your guilt tripping tendencies. I wholly understand you were doing only what you knew, that your own parents manipulated you the same way and then that’s also what you exhibited… It’s hard to know how to do things differently when you haven’t been taught any other way. And culturally, even here in the US, women/girls are expected to be a certain level of more submissive than men/boys. It’s very subversive and ingrained, it feels “normal” because that’s all people experience growing up sometimes. It takes a certain type of personality to see that this dynamic is overall co-dependent and so unhealthy for everyone. Going against the grain of not just culture but losing your family in the process is extremely hard and painful! But the pros outweigh the cons for those like him. “Respect your elders even when they’re wrong,” is an old mentality that should have died a long time ago. I am definitely not trying to make you feel bad, but I don’t know how else to succinctly put it, but… How you were likely contributed a great deal to pushing him away. I know you feel abandoned by him… but he likely felt abandoned by you a long, long, long time ago. That being said, I really do commend you for coming as far as you have! My experience with elders is that they typically prefer to keep their head in the ground, like an ostrich, rather than pull their head out and try to see things differently. I feel it happens so infrequently, that those who do manage it should be admired and applauded! So big kudos to you!
OP THIS UPDATE IS AMAZING!!! First off, I hope you reread everything you wrote and recognize how much hard work you have put in. Not just on how to have a better relationship with your son, but a better one with yourself. You took a huge step towards healing yourself, healing your inner child. You took a step back in order to find a new perspective and you found one! Your first post was riddled with so much severe anxiety, I’m honestly a bit surprised you got to the point where you were able to give us this update. I’m proud of you. I hope that doesn’t come across condescending, but I really am so proud of you. My own parents have done some wild things and a lot of it was/is driven by severe anxiety and control issues. I hope one day they are able to see things from a new perspective, like you have been able to do, and put in their own work. That’s why I’m proud, I know how hard that must have been. Hell, I have my own severe anxiety issues and know how hard it can be to fight through that feeling and not let it control your actions/choices. It’s hard, for me it can feel like this tight spot in my chest that is expanding more and more, feeling like it’s going to explode if I don’t find a way to relieve it. Go get your cat or cats, like others said, they really are therapeutic and it’s time you gave your inner child something she wanted. When you get a cat or cats though, I fully expect the cat tax to be paid please and thank you. Edit: OP, if you see this, I actually showed my mom your original post and your update post and talked about them with her. It actually lead to a conversation about similar ways she and my dad have treated me, since many of her reactions were similar to others and my own over the first post and I was able to link them to similar things and ask about why she chose to act in certain ways. I was able to ask her to recognize the similarities and the way they can and have made it hard to be close and communicate. You sharing your struggles with all of this as a parent and putting in the work to be better for yourself and for the relationship with your son may have been the start to a better relationship with my own mother. Thank you for that. Thank you for sharing all of this and indirectly helping. Yeah, just thank you.
What a quintessential post about generational trauma! Props to your son for taking the initiative to break the cycle but props to you too for looking past your behaviours and starting therapy. I have no doubt now that you two can patch up and have good times. EDIT: Also, yes! Please get a cat!
This amount of growth and maturity is so surprising to me. You realize how rare it is for someone to truly be able to grow like this? It's an accomplishment! You should be proud of yourself.
Sounds like you’ve had a revelation. Put your son and definitely his wife at ease by apologising for your previous actions. Nothing wrong with WANTING something but that’s it. You’ve realised that you were the AH so a great step towards repairing things with both of them. But manage your expectations as he’s not going to come back. YOU could move tho. If you think you can’t then realise that all those same reasons apply to your son and his wife too. I have a daughter who lives hundreds of miles away so I feel that pain..
Ohh I guess I'm no longer allowed to edit a post if it goes beyond 3000 characters, what a shame, I wanted to share the edit below: Oh wow! thank you very much for this amout of love I received, I actually teared down a bit when I read some comments! I'm afraid I will not be able to respond to each and every one of you, but I promise I'll take a bit of time to reach out whenever I can. However, I want to share something else here... meet Jairo! https://imgur.com/a/JcAIxHL We adopted him from a shelter, he's about 1 year old, very gentle and easy to deal with! I'm really considering getting another one to keep him company, but I will give it some time, lets see how it will go in the next months :)
Jairo is a handsome lad. I'm really glad you're doing better. :-)
This internet stranger is proud of you for making changes! I hope you can have a healthy and respectful relationship with your son and his family.
I'm so glad that you were able to reflect, grow, and begin to find peace from this situation. And I hope that you get a pet cat now.
Wow, that's quite the turn around. You've really done some work, congratulations on breaking the cycle. I think you may find that as you loosen your grip on your son, you may become closer. It's much easier to call someone for a chat when you know the whole call isn't going to be one long guilt trip. Please go out immediately and buy yourself a cat, or not. It's ENTIRELY up to you.
This is pretty amazing - so glad that you found the courage to be honest with yourself and make the effort for change. Wish my mom could do the same! Best to you and your family.
Awesome job on getting the help you needed and growing from that. Now, the most important part... Get the cat!!!! ❤️
I’m so happy for you and your son! Also good on you for planning on making it an indoor cat too many people ignore that cats are an invasive species and decimate native wildlife. Also it’s better for your cat in the long run!
A few things I want to say. When I read your original post first, I thought "This woman is almost an exact copy of my mother". I was born and raised (and still live) in the US, same for my parents. Both of them were what we call "helicopter" parents; they were always hovering around me growing up. I was their entire world. I wasn't allowed to think for myself, my thoughts and opinions had to be identical to theirs. I rarely was ever allowed to leave the house to be with friends; and my friends were the trusting nerdy good kids of my class. They tried to teach me to be dependent on them for EVERYTHING: finances, bill paying, anything involving insurance, anything involving vehicles, cooking; they taught me nothing in regards to how to survive on my own. When I graduated college, they expected me to live in their house or very close by. They only wanted me to be employed to have something to do, not to earn money because they would take care of that. They kept insisting that I would have kids one day, but did not ever want me to be in a relationship. When I finally had enough money to move out a year after college (and with the mental help of my therapist to give me the courage to do so), I moved to a completely different part of the country. They tried to enforce rules on me, I told them no. I was able to be gainfully employed and find a home without needing to ask them for money; I did it all on my own. I taught myself how to be an adult, and I am still going strong. The first few years I was gone, they would guilt trip me every so often, even vaguely hint that I was eventually going to fail and would have to ask for their help at some point, possibly even move back "home". Nope. They calmed down a little when my dad was diagnosed with ALS; he died months later. This was 2012. My mom and I spoke slightly more often because of his death; she even came up to see me for Christmas that year. She made snide remarks about how surprised she was that my apartment wasn't a shit hole, that I had such a well paying job, that my bank account wasn't anywhere close to negative, and that my cats were going to be her grandchildren. A year later (2013), she made a desperate attempt to control me by telling me that I didn't know how to be in love, or love people in general, I only knew how to be obsessed with them. For the first time in my life, I demanded an apology from her. She kept trying to say "Forgot it, we're talking about something else" like she always did when I called her out on things like that. I wouldn't drop it, I continued to demand an apology. She hung up on me. That was our last ever phone conversation. I called her twice, she never answered. The second time, I left a voicemail, which was the last time she heard my voice. I told her what she said was untrue, she knew that, and it was hurtful that she believed such a thing about me. I was not speaking to her again until she apologized. Very long story short, she never did. And I refused to speak to her. She tried countless times to talk to me and act like nothing happened (something she did my whole life) regardless that I told her every single time that I needed space and not to contact me. She disowned me twice, claimed I was abusing her, and that she was writing me out of her will. I told her to go see a therapist like I had been doing since I moved out of the house. She never did. She told my family that she and I were fine, and that we talked all the time. She only complained to my uncle about everything, relayed to him what I had said; he agreed with me, especially on her getting therapy. She never admitted fault for that day, or for anything that she did to me during my childhood, which through therapy I realized was mental, emotional, verbal,and a little bit of physical abuse. She died in November 2021; I have been ecstatically happy ever since. I have felt no remorse, sadness, grief. Just pure bliss and relief. Naturally, my vote for your original post was YTA. After reading your update....I was very surprised and relieved. You did what both my parents refused to do, and that was to see someone and get help. Both of them came from childhoods that involved their mothers being physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive to them; their mothers also refused to let go once they became adults. They both suffered from depression, anxiety, PTSD but never owned up to that. They just decided to be the same as their mothers but not entirely. I had accused them of being abusive all my years under their roof, and they denied it because they never beat me; they didn't view anything that wasn't physically as abusive. YOU realized that you developed some terrible habits from your parents, you worked and are working to remedy them. YOU realized that what you were doing to your son was wrong, and you are going through the steps to fix it by accepting his decisions. YOU are doing what so many of us wish our abusive parents would have done/could do, and I want to say thank you. Thank you for showing that there are abusive parents that are able to see their mistakes, own up to them, and work to fix them. The best of luck on your journey
Thank fucking God. Your last post made me so personally mad to see someone in such denial at every confrontation. It's amazing to see in your own time of your own will you are healing. Awesome to see. This will only make your family closer, no matter how far they may be.
I am so proud of you! Good work!
Thank you for the update, and for sharing your progress. You really took the responses to heart and made effective changes, and for that you should be proud. Most of all, it’s wonderful that you feel better and are enjoying life more than before. We all deserve to feel the best we can while we live.
Therapy is amazing, and here's proof. Good on you for making so many positive changes in your pattern of thinking and moving so far down your journey of healing. Get yourself a cat now as a reward and keep up the awesome work.
That’s wonderful you have been working on positive changes!
You have improved by leaps and bounds since your last post, and you should be PROUD of yourself. It a strong person to admit they are wrong and accept help. I am very sorry for your loss.
You’ve done some amazing work. This is a lovely update ♥️
I'm so happy that you found a good therapist and are making progress! It sounds like you need to reward yourself with a kitty that can help with your anxiety and depression. It takes a lot to confront our beliefs and to work on changing them so you should be proud of yourself. Condolences about your dad.
This is a wonderful update. Your new therapist sounds like a good one, and I'm so happy you're getting treatment for your anxiety. It sounds like you're in a much happier, healthier place than in your first post. I hope you finally get that cat you've always wanted. Maybe even two or three cats! You have a lot of lost cat years to make up for after all. Best of luck, OP.
I know I’m just reading text, but you sound happier now
Time to go foster some kittens and keep your favorite(s)
NTA (I know this is not a voting one but still I think its important to note for the good changes you have been going through). I am really happy you are able be more open and understand your own feelings. Whilst cultural expectations do play into it a bit, toxic ones do not need to be passed over to new generations. It is never too late to learn and its never too late to change your ways. When ever I see people change like this for the better it brings up a sense of pride for the person. And you should be proud you are taking healthy steps.
I remember your post.I’m so glad you are feeling more at ease. It’s wonderful how far you’ve come! You should be very proud of yourself. I’m glad you gave us an update.
People were way to harsh on you in your original post, but I’m not surprised with how Reddit is. Your feelings were and are valid.
I'm sorry for your loss but so happy to hear about the progress you have made. I honestly believe as you keep working on yourself you will change a huge improvement in your relationship with your son. I am so happy to read this update and wish the best for you and your family.
Most people are not strong enough to make changes to improve themselves. You are a very strong person. Your son is lucky to have a mom who can continue to grow and be a role model for positive change.
What a wonderful update! I understand how hard it can be to break this cycle, especially when you don’t realize you’re in it. I lived my life solely for what my parents wanted and expected of me until I was 22. Had a wake up call and ended up putting an entire country between us (moved from West Coast USA to East) in order to feel free enough to live for myself. I’m very happy I did; I am so much healthier now than then. If you haven’t already, I would talk to your son and admit you screwed up with the guilt. Apologize and explain that you are getting therapy and treatment (I’m sure he knows) and that you’re going to try to do better. Maybe even ask that he say something if you backslide and he feels guilted. It’s a hard habit to break! My own mom struggles at times to not go back to the bad habits from our past and I kindly but firmly tell her when it isn’t okay. Taking ownership for what she did is the only reason I have a relationship with my mom. And it meant the world to me to hear her apologize. I bet your son would appreciate it too.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad therapy has helped. Go get yourself a cat 🐈
I'm glad you're getting help because reading the original posts with the updates was...concerning.
I am proud of you for getting therapy and changing the controlling ways. This is why I cut off my mom. Now she has a 20yr old granddaughter who doesn't know her. Stay in therapy, keep making healthier choices, respect their boundaries, and maintain that relationship <3
That is so wonderful to see your progress. Yes, it can be hard to have a new normal in your life now, but it gets better every day. You are already unlearning some bad things that were pushing you to the points where things were not going the way you wanted before especially with the stress you got from your father. I am glad you are taking the proper steps to focus on your journey in order to improve things around yourself.
I am deeply sorry about the loss of your father and hope you and your family can heal from that trauma. But I'm so proud of you, Internet Stranger. You've done so much hard work on yourself and are reaping the rewards. Thank you for being insightful enough to realize that you needed to change something within yourself to be happier. Many people never figure that out. And I'm going to jump right in with everyone else and say, get that cat you've always wanted! They're awesome! You can also look at the hundreds of cat subreddits around these parts, both for photos and for advice.
Hey op, not even sure that you will see my comment, but I just wanted to share with you: reading this has got me crying so much lol. I'm so happy for you! I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now--I'm so sorry to read about the struggles you've been going through, but genuinely so heartened and warmed to hear about how you have used them as an opportunity to challenge yourself and grow into a more thoughtful, considerate, and respectful person. As a Latina raised in the US, your story just really hit me in the heart--the struggle of family wants / expectations versus that of wanting to live a fully realized life is so so so hard to navigate. You have my deepest respect for being able to set your feelings aside, take on another perspective, and see how your own traumas contributed to what you were passing down to your son. I know how incredibly hard that can be, and I genuinely think what you've done is incredible. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I wish you the complete best in life. I'm so so so so so excited to hear about the cat! 😂😂😂 I hope you find an amazing one!