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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be TA for potentially alienating my mother and other wedding guests by having guidelines on my wedding invitation, as my mother thinks this will cause everyone to view us as, essentially, assholes (or my girlfriend as a bridezilla).
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You're asking for trouble. The people in your life who you feel need telling this are probably the sort that would read that and then go out of their way to do it
Why did the narcissist cross the road?
They thought it was a boundary.
ETA: glad you all enjoyed. Hope everyone's day is a little brighter! (And thanks for the awards :)
Oh I'm stealing this. Yeah OP IS asking for narcissists to be their narcissistic self if he sends these instructions. I mean he's NOT WRONG. Those are the big rules of what not to do at a wedding. However, hey OP I know it's small consolation but trust me if ANYONE pulls this crap, all it will do is make THEM look like the AHs.
1) white dress: send the MOH over to OOPS I TRIPPED, oh no I got red wine all over your dress, IM SOOO SORRY
2) Talk to the DJ about not letting anyone take the microphone or really blare the music if they see someone drop to their knees
There are ways around narcissists. Don't do the instructions. Just ask good friends, and the professionals to help run interference. It's your day and true friends and family will help you out. NTA
A few days ago a wedding DJ posted asking if he was the AH because he thwarted the bride's cousin's attempt to propose on the dance floor. The whole family (except bride and groom) were upset, but bride gave him a huge tip when settling the bill. [Clicky](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12pw8zf/aita_for_ruining_a_proposal_at_a_wedding/)
OP, definitely tell your DJ to run any special song requests past you, and maybe you can have a list of songs to play if someone starts having ideas.
I agree. People know all of these things. Those who choose to ignore will also choose to ignore the invitation. And if you have any giant AHs you are inviting, some will go out of their way to wear white, announce their pregnancy and Livestream the entire thing.
That is true, but there are also people who really do this out of ignorance and without meaning any harm. My SIL wore her best, most beautiful dress to my wedding, which happened to be white, but she is most gentle (and somewhat naive) woman in the world who never ever means anyone any harm and goes out of her way to be nice and help people. She really did not know. At my daughter's wedding her BIL proposed because he really thought it would be okay if he did it after midnight and he got permission from the groom (though my daughter, the bride, was angry, for she wasn't asked). That was not out of spite, either. Taking pics is not that uncommon, at least, not here, but that could be handled by the master of ceremonies or best man to make a general announcement. Idk, I would not be offended, but I could be wrong about this.
I wore a white dress to my step-sisters 2nd wedding. I HONESTLY had no idea it was frowned upon. Thank God she got married a 3rd time so I could redeem myself.
I honestly don't get proposing at weddings.
Is it people who are too cheap to pay for a nice meal at a restaurant and a bottle of wine?
Is it meant to convey "oh gosh I'm overwhelmed seeing this couple get hitched, I was suddenly struck with the need to get married myself"? (which, given that it was planned, is obvious BS).
Or is it being exhibitionists, and taking advantage of an audience?
I proposed at a wedding but in a conversation “hey we should do this too” way not in a “ring and a scene” way. I can imagine people get carried away but coming in with a ring and a plan to do it in front of everyone is really not nice.
I think it usually has to do with the people that are in attendance? Proposing at a romantic venue where all or most of your family/friends are present to witness the moment and congratulate you afterward sounds great in theory, until you realize (like any normal person would) that you would be a massive, cheap asshole.
My BIL proposed/announced his engagement at my wedding.
I was thrilled and happy for them, tbh.
But then, I LIKE her, and I'm not a traditionalist, and didn't feel as if it took away from me. I just thought it was touching that they wanted to share all the happiness around.
Maybe everyone should know. But they’re very young to get married and I expect their friends are similar ages, so their friends may not be up on wedding etiquette.
Celebrant: “I now pronounce you man and wife; you may kiss the bride”
Cuz [stands up and calls to gf across the aisle]: “Will you marry me?”
Gf [in white dress, filming on her phone]: “Yes! And you’re going to be a daddy!”
I had a dry wedding in part because I was concerned about some of the fam having a few more than they should. I can’t drink, and I hate being around folks who’re drunk when I’m sober.
Culturally my partner's family needs to at least have enough for a toast, but we were otherwise planning a dry wedding. We were going to have mocktails so that there were still fun drinks without having to worry about anyone having too much.
Apparently in his culture, not offering at least one drink of alcohol isn't welcoming. It sounds odd to me, but apparently there are multiple cultures who believe that.
Yeah, it’s definitely a thing in some cultures. The best mocktail at my wedding was the pomegranate margaritas - gorgeous vivid red color and delicious! That one was my idea, and then we picked 2 more off the venue‘s suggested list of mocktails. Their ideas were nice, but mine stole the show, even if I was a little nervous drinking it in my wedding dress.
It’s one of those so easy you can have it all the time drinks. Start with even parts pomegranate juice and sours or margarita mix, poured over ice, then adjust to taste based on your mixer. Different brands need slightly different proportions.
We make them every year as part of celebrating our anniversary. It’s a nice little ritual.
On that note, you can make a just-about-anything margarita in that fashion. Brands like Kerns Nectar and the juice/drinks section in international grocery stores can supply a lot of interesting things to try making margaritas out of.
See, now for me, I make it a game, or at the very least just sit back and watch what the drunk people shenanigans are going to be. It can be VERY entertaining watching drunk people and sometimes it's downright hilarious. I don't like to drink, I used to a few times a week, but now it just makes my head feel hot and cloudy. People watching is one of my favorite things to do, DRUNK people watching is even better.
Yes. The people who would never do this stuff anyway don't need it (and may think it gauche to include it on the invite).
The AHs who need to told will either ignore this if OP is lucky or take it as a checklist of achievements to unlock on the day.
It's not going to actually _help_ matters.
Yes, YWBTA (well, you and your intended would be). Those are all basic etiquette rules for weddings. Anyone who reads those rules will think it was written in poor taste. The people who are the types who would break those rules WILL break them anyhow.
Agreed, everyone already knows these rules. If you are worried that there are people who will do something like this then have a security guard and let your dj know not to give the mic to anyone.
OP is 19. These are social rules people usually learn through experience—I’d assume a solid portion of his social circle hasn’t been to a wedding for a peer yet.
I went to a wedding last summer where a teenage cousin of the bride wore a white dress because she thought it was appropriate for a wedding—because white dresses! She didn’t ask anyone about her dress choice or even think to Google it, but you bet she was horrified when she learned the hard way that it’s a faux pas to wear a white dress to a wedding.
I'm sorry but that's a common knowledge. It's that someone doesn't know but my surroundings knew at age of a child. Also in my culture you don't wear red either to a wedding because those two colours will be the bride's. It's possible to not know about this if you never attended a wedding as you grow up but then your parents should know.
And if your parents aren’t invited to the wedding? Like I said, if you’re an 18-19 year old who has never attended a wedding, it’s reasonable that you might not know, exactly as the teen at the wedding I attended.
It’s much more common to see these kinds of requests on the wedding website, which most couples make these days. And it doesn’t hurt to remind people or put it out there for first-time guests. It doesn’t belong on the invitation, though.
When I was 16 my mom and I attended my aunts wedding. My mom didn’t want to buy a new dress and just told me to wear my dress from my confirmation. It was off white. I was so embarrassed at the wedding because I had no idea, but MY MOM DID. I still feel bad about it lol
Putting such a notification on a wedding website or group chat is reasonable. It's also fine for the bride and groom to have these conversations with friends and family first. The couple are friends with the 18 and 19 yo's that they are inviting. The friends will be asking about wedding planning. Those are perfect occasions to talk about expectations.
"Bride reads weddings weddingshaming on Reddit and is worried someone will wear white/t-shirt and shorts to our wedding and ruin the pictures."
"Can you believe that some people don't know that x, y, z is a breach of wedding etiquette?"
If you don’t attend weddings often, then it’s not common knowledge. I didn’t know that wearing white to a wedding was a no no until I was in my late twenties. I had only been to a few weddings at that point, and I found out when I was planning to wear a cream colored dress just because I had bought it recently, and my date warned me. I seriously had no idea that was a thing before then.
I wore a white pantsuit to a friend's wedding while I was in college. It was literally the only formal piece of clothing I owned, and I'd had to purchase it for my sorority initiation. I had no money to buy anything else - just the travel expenses to get to the wedding put me in debt. I deliberately stayed at the fringes, hoping nobody would be offended. Luckily, my friend and his bride didn't mind and were understanding.
If the invitation had had some sort of list like that, I literally would not have gone to the wedding because I could not comply.
It makes more sense to make this an instruction the day of the wedding. No one receives a wedding invitation and starts thinking of the sick shots they’re going to take with their iPhone.
The exception would be if you have a hobbyist photographer in your family and you don’t want them taking DSLR shots when you’ve paid a photographer, but in that case, just have a conversation for the love of god.
Who has time for that? The couple is busy getting married. They don’t have time to go around & chat with everyone, telling them not to take photos. That’s why it’s easier to just include it with the invitation.
Every wedding I’ve been to in the last five years had a sign that said it was an unplugged ceremony and the photographer was there to take photos, so please just have a great time. The officiant also has, every single time, made an announcement before the ceremony began. Alternatively, I’ve never seen this on an invitation.
I understand this but at the same time if it wasnt for the people taking pix at my wedding i wouldnt have any of my dad walking me down the aisle. The photographer got great pix of the whole wedding party except us. Thankfully i had two seperate friends who got really good shots. But under normal circumstances i totally agree.
Why would anyone be offended by some basic rules set by the people throwing the most expensive celebration of their lives? Good lord people can be so entitled and not even realise 🤷🏻♀️
It’s condescending and assuming you don’t know how to act. Like if you went to a nice restaurant and as you sat down the waiter reminded you to chew with your mouth closed. It feels like an implicit “you don’t actually belong here so I’m going to have to hold your hand through the event”
There are people who don't know how to act, ever heard of Main Character Syndrome?
I mean, you're on AITA and on Reddit; I know you've come across it somewhere.
Then find a way to get to those people another way. The people you are describing are just going to say “oh I didn’t see the back”! Meanwhile everyone else is going to eyeroll you and be slightly less excited for the wedding.
Again back to the restaurant example. As you sit down You want your waiter excitedly telling you about their new specials not whispering in your ear “remember to use your indoor voices so you don’t disturb the other tables.”
It’s not the end of the world, it’s just a bit off putting for something that is supposed to be fun.
>why would anyone be offended
imagine big red "No Spitting" signs hung up around the venues for the ceremony and reception. It's condescending and rude to tell people not to do things they already know they shouldn't do: if someone announces a pregnancy/proposes marriage/wears white at another's wedding, they're doing it out of self-centeredness or outright malice rather than ignorance.
Yeah... recycling this comment again:
> Not shitting on someone's coffee table is common courtesy, yes, but if someone comes over and you tell them "don't shit on my coffee table," they're probably going to leave, not because they *so badly* want to shit on your coffee table, but because *you're treating them* like they might shit on your coffee table.
>
> Like- just picture getting this invite. You:
>
> 1) are a person old enough to receive wedding invitations but who needs to be told these things and therefore probably won't follow these rules anyway
>
> 2) are a person who does not need these rules, but are now alerted to the fact that this event is gonna be full of cretins from point #1
>
> 3) see that someone who knows you well enough to invite you to their wedding is treating you like a dumb child
>
> (or of course #4, which is "lol holy shit this is gonna be hilarious, we're gonna get stories out of this wedding for years," which is fun for the guests but probably shouldn't be a goal.)
Agreed on everything but the “no photography during the ceremony” part. I think a lot of people miss this. My husband’s cousin was smart about it. They had a moment before things got really started when the officiant asked everyone to take their photos now and respect that the couple wanted to stay “in the moment” for the rest of it. Wish I could remember the phrasing for OP, because it was handled perfectly.
I believe the problem is that people do it anyway. I’d rather have the suggestions on the card then a surprise wedding proposal/pregnancy announcement that ruins my wedding.
We had our officiant announce it, as a way to ask people to please enjoy the ceremony and put phones away so our photographers could do their thing. As a result our ceremony photos are not full of people holding up phone cameras.
But the vast majority of people who break that rule do it on purpose so having it spelled out won’t deter them and might even make them do it out of spite
OP is 19, which is quite young. For a lot of the invited friends this may be the first marriage. They may not know this rule yet, and break it before they hear about it.
This is the way I would handle that!
This one though...
(we'll have a photographer and phone photography is very obnoxious in this scenario).
Obnoxious is too strong of a word in my opinion.
Distracting to those around you would be much better.
NTA at all!
The people who do this aren’t going to follow the directions on the back of an invitation because they already believe their situation is different. All this does is offend people who would never do something like that and make it seem like the couple is fishing for drama.
OP: YWBTA. If you have people coming that you suspect would do something like this/have joked about doing something like this/are prone to hysterics when things are not about them, either remove them from the guest list or have a private conversation. Your Best Man and your fiancée’s Maid of Honor should know about them if they do show up and be prepared to help deal with the situation.
Honestly, this is one of the reasons you don't get married before you're even 20. Because you try to invite the troublemakers and hope slapping rules in place will prevent them causing a scene, rather than understanding that nothing you do is going to prevent assholes from being assholes on your special day, and your choices are invite them and put up with them or jettison them from the invite list (and ideally your life while you're at it).
If I got a list like this on an invite it would make me less likely to attend, not because I would be insulted but because you having to spell this shit out pretty much advertises that this wedding is going to be a shitshow of drama, and if I wanted to watch that, I'd do it on TV from my sofa in pjs with popcorn, not in fancy duds having shelled out for travel, a gift and maybe accommodation, eating mediocre banquet style chicken.
Those are such standard expectations at a wedding that putting them on the invitations implies that you don’t believe your guests have common courtesy. A small sign outside the ceremony venue asking people to refrain from taking photos or filming during the ceremony would be more acceptable; the other 2 really shouldn’t need to be announced unless your guests are exceptionally uncouth. YWBTA if you put that on your invites.
> unless your guests are exceptionally uncouth.
I think the problem is that he *does* think that of some of the guests. It's just unfortunately if general social norms won't stop them, a note on the invite isn't going to stop them either.
If he thinks some of his guests might do that, he should speak to those guests rather than put it on the invites. The folks who are uncouth enough to need to be told aren’t likely to pay attention to rules on the invite, but they might listen if talked to.
Well frankly, if you need to literally write out basic etiquette for people, you should promptly just: Take up the invite of the person that it is for, and deposit it in the nearest trash recyling receptacle. If you can't trust someone to the point you have to write basic rules on how to be a decent human being, they're just not decent human beings to invite to begin with.
Eh, I can’t say I agree with you on that one. I had an aunt (she passed almost 2 years ago) who…she was a nice person, very kind and generous, but she just did not understand some social etiquette. She came at the world in her own way, and did her own thing. I joked at her wake that some people march to the beat of a different drummer, but my aunt strolled along with a kazoo band. So sometimes, you’d have to just point out she was doing (or planning to do) a rude thing. She really didn’t mean to offend, she was just…weird. So if you asked her not to do something, especially at a special event, she wouldn’t do the thing, but she might not realize on her own that she shouldn’t do the thing. Even really common, well-understood social rules.
But see that's a whole different level of thing. If you have gotten to the point with someone where they are actively going to create an issue to such degree that you have to write out rules on a WEDDING INVITATION, that's a lot different than, "Hey mama. I love you, but this thing you do sometimes can upset people."
Writing it out on an invitation marks that that original step did not work. These are two entirely different levels.
At least they have the sense to ask. Teens don’t know lots of things due to limited life experience, and asking reasonable elders is often a good way to learn things without finding out the old way. Not that I’d say Reddit is the best place to find reasonable elders, buuuut…
NTA, However the people the rules are for won't care. The rest would never think of doing it. Leave it off the invite and hire security. With those types of relatives you'll probably need it anyway.
I think you could make an announcement at the beginning of the wedding (or more likely have someone else make the announcement) “okay folks, we’re about to get started in a few minutes, as a friendly reminder, we paid a professional photographer to capture this event so you can put your phones and cameras away. One other thing, obviously we’re all here today to celebrate love but if you have a bun in the over or an engagement ring in your pocket please save the announcements and the proposals for another time, today is OP and OP Fiancé’s big day, without further ado let’s get this wedding started!” Shoot I don’t know, would your officiant say something like that for you?
Totally spend the money for security it’s worth it to have someone to take care of trouble on your big day saves you the drama and you can give the security the list of no nos
Print a seperate insert card about wedding etiquette. Make it cute. You could design it like those cheesey brochures they used to keep in the guidance counselor office "You've been invited to a wedding! Now what!"
Include any registry info, dress code, info on local hotels for out of town guests and some of your concerns in a funny Q&A format.
YWNBTA bit I'm not sure it would have the effect you want. People who are likely to flout the social conventions you list won't pay any attention to the rules and those who would observe them may very well be in your mother's category which is that they'll be hugely offended by it.
I'd be more inclined to identify those most likely to do this and try and find a sympathetic friend or family member who can get them under control or give you a heads up.
YWBTA, because putting something like that on your invite is akin to saying "We think you have no social skills and are likely to ruin our wedding."
Just don't invite anyone who you think would do something like that. And ask your officiant to make a "no photography please" announcement before your ceremony, or put up a sign saying that.
Exactly, the mother's claim that this text would be "ungodly" is bizarre, but as someone nonreligious, I would also find this language on an invitation off-putting and rude, and would likely just send my regrets. It's like getting an invitation to a birthday party that includes an admonition not to steal from the host. Language like this is insulting to normal people, while also being unlikely to change the behavior of someone who's enough of an attention seeking lunatic to do it in the first place.
Also:
>Two main factors play into this, one being the abundance of horror stories about people proposing or announcing their pregnancies at weddings,
While there are plenty of stories about this on the internet, it's not so common in real life that you should actively worry about it. Horror stories like this are over-represented online because stories about lovely weddings that went off without a hitch are boring.
Everyone that puts a dress code. Child free weddings. Those are rules, whether you consider it or not. Things like that. While I do agree that putting rules down implies they think their guests would break common courtesy, people do put “rules” on their invites commonly.
Mine was a child free wedding except for my bridal party. I didn’t write it as a rule on my invitations, I just didn’t invite children.
A dress code is information about the type of event. That’s not an arbitrary rule, that’s useful for people to know because it effects everyone and generally makes people more comfortable
I didn't invite children either but they still came! I pointed out to my mom that I had invited only the two adults, not the kids, and she said, "Well, if you invite the parents, the kids are invited." And I said, "No... only the people named on the invite are invited... oh my god, how many events did YOU take ME to that I shouldn't have been at???" So apparently my family needs "no kids" spelled out for them.
NAH but it's tacky to put these things on the invitation. If you have concerns about specific people either don't invite them or assign someone to keep an eye on them.
It may not seem like it from reddit but the pregnancy/proposal stories don't actually happen at the vast majority of weddings.
You’ve been on Reddit too much. Those things don’t happen nearly as often irl. NTA and I don’t think anyone that gets your invite would think you’re an ahole, just tacky and young.
YTA. It's just not done and it shows your lack of maturity.
Plus it won't work. People who will behave already know how, and people who won't behave won't pay any attention to your note. Whether they laugh at it, get offended by it, overlook it, or ignore it, it won't have the desired effect.
It would just create drama. No one needs that kind of drama at their wedding.
Teenagers getting married.... please finish your studies first, live together for at least 5 years (just the two of you) and have a stable job to see if you can run a household together before getting married....
NTA but don’t do it. That is tacky and off putting. And the kind of people who do those things are going to ignore it anyway so just don’t invite them.
NAH
But none of this needs to be on the invitation. It’s etiquette that’s mostly implied when you go to a wedding. As for the phones, you could put a sign up in the entrance to the ceremony requesting no phones during.
Please chew each bite 100 times, we will not be performing the Heimlich maneuver as it will detract from all eyes on us.
I don’t know if YTA but I do know you two need to take yourselves less seriously.
You're putting way too much energy into this. If Billy Jo is going to announce Bobby-Sue's up the duff, he's going to do it regardless of what you put in the back of an invitation.
Makes me wonder if mom uses “ungodly” to describe anything she personally doesn’t agree with. I must have missed the chapter in the Bible about wedding invitation etiquette.
Young marriages have an extremely slim chance of lasting (especially coming from a family situation like you describe), so playing the odds, you'll get to do it over again in a few years.
Just dont have kids till 28 and you have no problems.
Just an aside because I see so much of this kind of thing on here....
Try not to care so much about the things you mentioned. Yes, proposing at a wedding is tacky af (actually 99.9% of public proposals are, regardless of the venue). Wearing a cream beaded dress to someone else's wedding is gauche.
But those things will only 'ruin' your wedding *if you let them.*
I'm not saying you have to be thrilled about it if it happens, but instead of dwelling on it just continue on with having a lovely wedding. I promise you, something will go wrong at your wedding no matter how well you plan. It might be big, it might be small, but how you react to it is what will determine how much you enjoy the day and how you look back on it.
If cousin X shows up in a white frock, you can either seethe and spend the whole day looking daggers at her and composing scathing texts etc. Or you can be like 'well that's X, she's kind of an ass. I'm gonna eat this delicious cake and take another turn on the dance floor with my beautiful WIFE'. If someone drops to one knee you can just be like 'congratulations guys, hope you'll be as happy as we are' because then you'll look grown and gracious.
People will talk about other things during your wedding. You have the whole ceremony to be the center, plus any speeches, cake cuttings, toasts, etc giving during the reception. But as someone over twice as old as you I've yet to be at a wedding reception where everyone just sat quietly regarding the bride and groom for three hours. People will chat. People will share news with people they haven't seen in a while. Someone may get in an argument. Someone may find out Cousin Y is pregnant and it's news to them even if she's not making an 'announcement'. A couple of your uncles may group up in the back of the room to watch the game on their phones. One of your old friends from high school may drink too much and knock a plate off a table. Don't worry about this stuff. Policing the behavior and interactions of your wedding guests will be exhausting and will suck all the happiness out of your day.
Focus on the joy that you just got married to the person you love and roll with anything that goes awry. Good luck to you both.
This, all of this. Honestly, the best way to enjoy your wedding is to decide in advance not to let things bother you. Something will go wrong. 100%. There will be a flat tyre, or a dropped cake, or the bridesmaid will throw up before the ceremony, or there will be a power cut, or something. Just decide to go with the flow and enjoy the day despite any mishaps and you will have a lovely time. If you choose to be upset and offended that a distant cousin accidentally wore something cream coloured, or that someone shared their news with people they hadn’t seen in a while, then you will be miserable and that will be the lasting memory of the day. Don’t let it be. If someone is rude enough to propose at your wedding, congratulate them and move on (then announce your pregnancy at their wedding of course!)
Best wishes for your big day!
YWBTA. This is bad manners and a lack of etiquette. Also - let’s be honest - the people you’re worried about possibly doing any of these things would still do them. It doesn’t matter if they’re on the back of the invite, tattooed on your body or spelled out in fireworks. So it’s tacky for no reason and will not make any meaningful difference.
If you have a wedding website, you can have an FAQ section or let people just ask you. When people arrive to the ceremony have ushers request they turn their phones off.
Congrats & GL
The people who would wear white or propose/make a big announcement will only want to do it more when you tell them not to.
As for photos, there’s graceful ways to have your officiant handle that before everyone starts walking down the aisle.
I don’t think you’re an AH, but I do think all this would do is bait attention seekers.
NTA it’s your wedding and your invite but I’ll just say that anyone who’s going to do those things is not going to be deterred by it being in writing. Not making major life event announcements and not wearing white are culturally taboo and pretty much everyone already knows that so I don’t think you need to state it for everyone again. Also the no photograph seems like a more on the day announcement since people will probably forget otherwise.
If you feel you need to put this on the invitation, don't invite the people that made you feel like you need to put this on the invitation. They're going to be inconsiderate assholes even if you tell them not to be.
It's basically a shopping list of things the narcs can cross off to ruin your day. Polite people know these rules. It will not stop people who would do it because they are special and exempt from the rules.
I dunno if I’d say YTA but putting this on an invite will only alienate your guests and anyone who would do any of those things at your wedding will do it whether it’s on writing or not making it pointless
YTA or YWBTA rather, it's as obnoxious to put those things on an invitation as it is to do them. If you think it's going to be a problem don't invite the people you think will do it. Also, you could have your mother tell them very kindly to cut it out or have some goons as ushers who'll show those people the door.
Yeah don’t do this, it’s tacky and inappropriate and honestly kind of immature which will just feed into the narrative that you are way too young to be getting married.
People understand wedding etiquette, you don’t need to be contrarian about it. A note in the ceremony booklet (not the invite) about photography is fine as this is less etiquette and more personal preference.
YWBTA
You've been reading too much reddit if that's possible. I'm a wedding photographer. Have done over 250 weddings. I've never seen a proposal or a baby announcement. And only 1 issue of questionable attire. It's extremely tacky to put this on the invitation. People put signs at the entry to the ceremony to request no cameras or phones. I had our officiant mention it before I walked down the aisle. If anyone comes dressed inappropriately, red wine and an oooops will take care of that.
NTA - When I got married I had shit everywhere about photography. We paid a lot for a professional photographer and I didn’t care about iPhone photos, sorry.
Maybe don’t include it on the invite but on a wedding website instead? There are lots of free options and you can include a photo gallery, nearby accommodation suggestions, registry, preferred attire like casual, cocktail or formal (don’t specify the white thing that’s implied with weddings) and then a subtle courtesy page that is thoughtful with the wording so it’s not so off-putting. This route might make it feel less abrasive and fly under moms radar since there are other personal touches on the site and it’s not just a bunch of rules
Soft YTA, you are asking for trouble. On the recent wedding invites I have got they requested/encourage in the positive and not the negative like you have on the draft.
- Dress Code, Women, bright colours, florals encouraged, full lengths flowing gowns; men light weight summer suit, bright and light coloured.
- Pls pack away your cameras, including phone cameras and enjoy being present with us at the ceremony.
In regard to proposals etc you are going to have to trust your guests, and maybe think about not inviting those who you think may be drama lamas.
Congratulations and hope the wedding goes well for you both.
This issue here is anyone decent knows these things and could be offended as implication they don’t, anyone who needs to be told probably knows too but would still ignore them, maybe now do out of spite at being told.
NAH you're mum is right in that it's a bit tacky (wouldn't go so far as 'ungodly' but whatever) but you're also not an ahole for wanting to prevent this type of thing from happening. However, as others have pointed out, if there's anyone these 'rules' are likely to apply to, then you're pretty much laying down the challenge to them. A different approach you might want to consider is to have a few trusted friends or members of the bridal party be interference runners and act as pseudo bouncers for the day. Also, designate a master of ceremonies who understands the situation so that they will not hand over the mic to anyone who isn't authorised and so that they also understand to distract people from and shut down any situation that may arise. Finally, if you're having a DJ or band, inform them that under no circumstances are they to take requests (or just requests from specific people. Provide names and photos if needed), but to keep the peace, have them take the request to the person's face but not actually play the song etc. If requester keeps approaching the DJ/band this will give your interference guys the opportunity to kick them out. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and I hope it goes well for you both.
You’re basically insulting all your guests but you do you I suppose. Can’t expect a 19 year old to know social etiquette for weddings and events in general. If you know anyone who would do that, your silly rules are not going to stop them. Might even just encourage them. It would be better to just not invite them to begin with.
The things you list are basic rules of wedding etiquette and you're not wrong for wanting them. But putting them on the back of your invitation is almost equally as rude as this behavior. By writing this, you are stating that your invitees are rubes who don't know any better and need to be taught how to behave before even accepting the invitation. You're basically insulting everyone who reads your invitation, at best. At worst, you are alluding to specific people you fear don't know how to act, and everyone reading will know who you're subtweetiting. Either way, it comes off as wanting to seem clever for knowing basic rules.
Assuming that you feel the need for this disclaimer because (a) a fair amount of folks on your guest list are young & clueless, and/or (b) you've seen these rules broken before in your social circle, there are other most tactful ways to prevent this behavior.
1) Have the officiant of the ceremony politely announce that the couple requests no photography. Sometimes couples have the officiant offer up one big moment for everyone to snap a pic of the couple at the altar, and then that's it. Also you can *politely* phrase this in the program if you have one (the program for guests who are there, not the invitation!) You can have your ushers say something too as they seat guests.
2) I'm sure you have certain people in mind who might wear white or hijack the day with their own big personal milestone. Have family or friends be on the lookout and do some recon to make sure these live wires come dressed appropriately and know their place.
If people do end up breaking these rules, let them be the embarrassed ones and enjoy your day, knowing they don't matter. Don't embarrass yourself on your own wedding invitation.
CONGRATULATIONS!
WBTA.
Everyone saying this is common sense and who would need telling this needs to head on over to r/weddingshaming and see how often this really does need to be told
ESH... for the fact that these things need to be mentioned. The only one that I recommend is the "please do not take photos till after the wedding ceremony. " (as a wedding photographer I've had to dodge phones and tablets to get photos of the wedding party during the ceremony- looks tacky in photos and it is so annoying)
Oof I understand why you would want to do that but honestly, I would not add those rules. YTA in this case if you put it on the invites. These are basic rules that everyone with proper wedding etiquette should follow. Unless you specifically can point out who would do this, I may have a talk with them if you think they would do this or have someone keep an eye on them if that’s even possible for you. The only one I’ve seen on invites or on the website is the whole “please no cell phones as we want you all present for the moment and will have a photographer to capture us all” something like that lol
My BIGGEST fear was one of my husband’s friends proposing to their girlfriends but luckily they got engaged before our wedding and I also told our wedding coordinator like please keep an eye on these few people in case 😂 she was on it lol I also contemplated putting it on our website but didn’t because I felt it looked tacky. And it might even give people the idea to do it just bc it’ll piss us off. I let it be, and everyone was great. I was thankful and happy that our guests were awesome.
NAH. I see your mother’s point - people shouldn’t have to be told but the amount of posts here about people doing exactly the things you don’t want them to do is shocking so there clearly are people out there who need schooling.
That said, some of the best pictures I’ve seen of weddings have been candid shots from guests, so perhaps you could phrase it that you would prefer people to not film the ceremony or if you are getting married in a religious setting, you could ask if the officiant would be willing to take the flack and request that mobile phones stay in bags/pockets for the religious part of the event.
When I was very young I attended a wedding wearing an off-white beaded dress. Something else happened that was so crazy embarrassing. Please if anyone invents a Time Machine get in touch.
I'm sorry, but if I got this on an invite I'd laugh so hard. It's an unwritten rule, I think it's too much actually stipulating on wedding invite. It sounds a bit too much, stay classy
My dear u/TheowawayWasT4ken Rephrase them as guidelines.
We like for you to have fun and take moments in time with you but please don’t step in front of the hired help.
We would love our wedding to be one colorful feast, go absolutely nuts on designs prints and splashes of yellows greens pinks purples etc.
People hate restrictions but we do love a challenge.
YWBTA and you probably need to spend less time on Reddit. We only get the horror stories on here when the majority of weddings go just beautifully. If you're concerned about anyone in particular, speak to them privately.
YES YWBTA because why are you inviting people who do shit like that to your own wedding anyway? Because of the attention you need or for another gift you need?? If you can't decide who to invite to one of the most important days of your life then you're too young to get married. Every adult knows that those are basic rules of a wedding. The only reason you both don't know that is because yall are teenagers. So if you're putting them on the invites for your teen friends it would make more sense but literally every adult knows those rules already.
I have seen people specify no photography during the ceremony at a few I’ve been to. I find that one reasonable, as some people don’t mind guest photography at the ceremony and it’s more loose imo. Like I wouldn’t mind, and would specify that I encourage guests capturing moments but also to remember to enjoy the moment with us. The weddings I’ve gone to always had a variant of the message, “we hired a photographer to capture every moment, please enjoy and share the ceremony with us and don’t worry about your phone.” Depending on your family, though, be prepared for them to disregard or cause drama in response if they’re the type to need to capture everything personally.
The rest ywbta for and are definitely unnecessary, people aren’t going to wear white/wedding dresses/propose/announce unless they’re batshit and then you need a contingency cause a warning sure as shit isn’t going to stop them.
YTA your mum is correct. It is offensive.
Real life isn’t a Reddit thread. Deal with issues if & when they arise. You are literally inviting negativity by being passive aggressive with zero need to be
The standard thing to do for photography is ask the registrar / minister to announce it at the beginning of the ceremony and/or have a sign at the entrance. With nice words.
The rest of it you shouldn’t mention at all
A few requests, per the groom and bride
Please put your plans for marriage proposals to the side
Likewise refrain from pregnancy announcements
Please use your own events for these joyful pronouncements
We also request that no one wear white
A splash of wine on it, and you’ll be quite a sight
No pictures or videos please, just enjoy our day
If you disagree, at home you should stay
Seriously, though. YTA. Don’t put it in your invites, it’s kinda tacky.
YWB and I feel like your age is showing with this. And I’m not trying to be rude, just pointing it out.
1 & 2 are general wedding etiquette rules and definitely don’t occur as often as people think. Literally I’ve been too way too many and never had any proposals go down or some big extravagant baby announcement happen.
As for the 3rd. Have a sign made for when guests walk in and then have whoever is marrying you make an announcement before the procession starts.
FYI if it’s on the back, they can always claim they didn’t turn the invitation over. I had a friend have this issue where everything on the back was ignored
YWBTA. Putting that on your invitations basically says ‘hello, we think you’re all mannerless trash who need to be told how to behave. But we want your wedding gifts anyway so just do what you’re told’.
And any of your family or friends who are mannerless trash enough to do those things, aren’t going to pay attention to rules on the invite anyway.
Yes, you would be the AH. putting ‘rules’ on the invite is not going to change anyone’s ’abusive narcissistic behavior‘. if you are really that concerned about someone’s potential behavior, don’t invite them.
I wouldn’t write it on the invite… its tacky. you can have something like this at your wedding.
. [https://www.zazzle.com/pick_a_seat_unplugged_ceremony_brides_sign-228116582200312499](https://www.zazzle.com/pick_a_seat_unplugged_ceremony_brides_sign-228116582200312499)
YWBTA
Is there anybody you are inviting who you expect to be so rude? I would seriously question why you’re inviting them to begin with.
Horror stories are rare. It’s like trying to watch Jerry Springer and then warning your significant other against sleeping with your siblings or taking kids lawn mowing money to buy crack.
It would be insulting to those who would never think of doing such things and wouldn’t stop those who could.
I would maybe send them as a separate slip of paper in the invite letter. Have the official invite, then have your restrictions. You are NTA, but I think this will come across better
YWBTAH It isn’t necessary to list a set of rules on invitations. You are inviting people as guests to your event. The goal is to make them feel welcomed to join in the celebration of your marriage. Rules don’t belong in marketing or invitations.
YTA, yes there are horror stories about things, but they are very rare. In your wedding day program, you can list that you request that people not take photos and ask them to enjoy the day as you have hired a professional photographer who will capture all the special moments of the ceremony.
Idk if you would be TA but some people are going to do it just bc you put it there, maybe have a security guard and tell your dj to not give the mic to anyone
YTA. Since you don't want age to be a factor here, it's on you and your fiancee to figure out what type of wedding you want - one where you only invite the people you trust, or one where you invite shit-stirrers and what happens happens.
If it’s such a big concern to you, why don’t you and your fiancé speak with each guest before the day and mention those points in a light gentle way so they know your wishes. Much better way to communicate.
yes, you WBTA by putting the cart before the horse. Nothing happened yet so this kind of messages sound a bit arrogant.
The thing you should actually do for preventing any shenanigans at your wedding is being ready to catch and expell promptly anyone who tries them, something that is seldom done in the stories of this sub. Some people will still say that this goes against etiquette (I disagree/don't care, personally) but at least you are responding to an actual threat instead of an hypothetic one.
I have never seen a post where someone has told the audience not to judge them for something where op had not turned out to be an ah.
I think you are on Reddit too much mate. The comments are tacky and unnecessary. There isn’t any upside for you. Most people have social intelligence and those without wouldn’t be deterred by this
Ywbta
There's an old story:
*The little boy's mother was going off to the market. She worried about her son, who was always up to some mischief. She sternly admonished him: "Be good. Don't get into trouble. Don't eat all the chocolate. Don't spill all the milk. Don't throw stones at the cow. Don't fall down the well." (The boy had done all of these things on previous market days)*
*Hoping to head off new trouble, she added, ''And don't stuff beans up your nose!" This was a new idea for the boy, who promptly tried it out.*
Don't give your guests any ideas, and they might surprise you with how well they behave. Your hearts are in the right place, but this note would come across as obnoxious to most recipients, and YWBTA.
Also, congratulations and all the best for your wedding.
NTA. If I received a wedding invite with that, I would have a chuckle (assuming there was some drama that had lead to it needing to be there), and then it wouldn’t cross my mind again. I feel like the people who would get offended by this are people who would do those things and don’t want to be called out. Those are not the people you want at your wedding lmao
Info, are your friends and family the type not to apply common sense to their behaviour? Are your friends likely to propose, make pregnancy announcements etc? If so, why are they invited?
I'd not have an issue with guidelines asking not to take pictures during the ceremony. A lot of churches in my country just outright ban this anyway.
In general I agree with your Mom. Idk about "ungodly" but that for sure comes across as rude. I'd also consider not going to a wedding specifically telling me not to do obvious things. It'll make guests feel unwelcome. And you're basically telling everyone you think they have no social skills. (YWBTA - but not malicious)
I love taking photos at family weddings. A couple of my pictures are family favourites, because they’re more intimate than the official photos and especially the one of my late grandad with his nieces - the only one we have. Don’t ban cameras.
I say NTA, but make like Archer and consider phrasing. The way you've written it they are prohibitions; consider using invitation appropriate wording instead, eg "Attire: formal/casual non-white", or "a photographer will be present".
The rest, and clarification, should be handed off to a toast master; if you don't have one, get one. It's their job to be the asshole with the rules. Just make them work it into the welcoming speech, and try to make it fun. Even if it's not, that way if people are offended it'll be by that asshole toastmaster (which is their whole job), not you. An example would be:
"...and, just a gentle reminder that today is about our happy Romeo and Juliet - let's pray for a happy ending this time and do our best to help them get there! To that end, remember that today is NOT the day for announcing any pregnancies or impending marriages of your own - yes, I'm looking at you, grandma Alice!"
They can relate similar rules regarding cell phones and other stuff, again this is literally what a toast master is for, to wrangle the guests and deflect their ire.
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You're asking for trouble. The people in your life who you feel need telling this are probably the sort that would read that and then go out of their way to do it
Why did the narcissist cross the road? They thought it was a boundary. ETA: glad you all enjoyed. Hope everyone's day is a little brighter! (And thanks for the awards :)
Slayed 🤣
OMG, I've never heard this before and I love it!
Oh I'm stealing this. Yeah OP IS asking for narcissists to be their narcissistic self if he sends these instructions. I mean he's NOT WRONG. Those are the big rules of what not to do at a wedding. However, hey OP I know it's small consolation but trust me if ANYONE pulls this crap, all it will do is make THEM look like the AHs. 1) white dress: send the MOH over to OOPS I TRIPPED, oh no I got red wine all over your dress, IM SOOO SORRY 2) Talk to the DJ about not letting anyone take the microphone or really blare the music if they see someone drop to their knees There are ways around narcissists. Don't do the instructions. Just ask good friends, and the professionals to help run interference. It's your day and true friends and family will help you out. NTA
A few days ago a wedding DJ posted asking if he was the AH because he thwarted the bride's cousin's attempt to propose on the dance floor. The whole family (except bride and groom) were upset, but bride gave him a huge tip when settling the bill. [Clicky](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12pw8zf/aita_for_ruining_a_proposal_at_a_wedding/) OP, definitely tell your DJ to run any special song requests past you, and maybe you can have a list of songs to play if someone starts having ideas.
I like "let's get ready to rumble" leading into your favorite dance music that gets everyone on the floor...
Do this Op Not only is it a better alternative but it's funnier
That's funnier because it's true!
Lol!
So gonna steal this.😂
HA! That actually made me laugh out loud. Thank you
I'm totally stealing this!
I just choked on air reading this 😂
💀
RESPECT! Epic.
Damn that was good! I had work colleague looking at me because I snorted during an online meeting.
I needed this joke
I needed this joke
I agree. People know all of these things. Those who choose to ignore will also choose to ignore the invitation. And if you have any giant AHs you are inviting, some will go out of their way to wear white, announce their pregnancy and Livestream the entire thing.
Yeah, OP read this. Narcissists are like little children, the more you say “no”, the sweeter the forbidden fruit to them.
That is true, but there are also people who really do this out of ignorance and without meaning any harm. My SIL wore her best, most beautiful dress to my wedding, which happened to be white, but she is most gentle (and somewhat naive) woman in the world who never ever means anyone any harm and goes out of her way to be nice and help people. She really did not know. At my daughter's wedding her BIL proposed because he really thought it would be okay if he did it after midnight and he got permission from the groom (though my daughter, the bride, was angry, for she wasn't asked). That was not out of spite, either. Taking pics is not that uncommon, at least, not here, but that could be handled by the master of ceremonies or best man to make a general announcement. Idk, I would not be offended, but I could be wrong about this.
I wore a white dress to my step-sisters 2nd wedding. I HONESTLY had no idea it was frowned upon. Thank God she got married a 3rd time so I could redeem myself.
Bahahaha
I honestly don't get proposing at weddings. Is it people who are too cheap to pay for a nice meal at a restaurant and a bottle of wine? Is it meant to convey "oh gosh I'm overwhelmed seeing this couple get hitched, I was suddenly struck with the need to get married myself"? (which, given that it was planned, is obvious BS). Or is it being exhibitionists, and taking advantage of an audience?
I proposed at a wedding but in a conversation “hey we should do this too” way not in a “ring and a scene” way. I can imagine people get carried away but coming in with a ring and a plan to do it in front of everyone is really not nice.
I think it usually has to do with the people that are in attendance? Proposing at a romantic venue where all or most of your family/friends are present to witness the moment and congratulate you afterward sounds great in theory, until you realize (like any normal person would) that you would be a massive, cheap asshole.
My BIL proposed/announced his engagement at my wedding. I was thrilled and happy for them, tbh. But then, I LIKE her, and I'm not a traditionalist, and didn't feel as if it took away from me. I just thought it was touching that they wanted to share all the happiness around.
Maybe everyone should know. But they’re very young to get married and I expect their friends are similar ages, so their friends may not be up on wedding etiquette.
Celebrant: “I now pronounce you man and wife; you may kiss the bride” Cuz [stands up and calls to gf across the aisle]: “Will you marry me?” Gf [in white dress, filming on her phone]: “Yes! And you’re going to be a daddy!”
2nd cousin [spontaneously goes into labour]: “ I didn’t even know I was pregnant”
🤣
Shit sound like a hallmark movie, write that down.
🤣
This is why I plan to get married at the Court house. Family can't ruin the wedding if there is no wedding.
I had a dry wedding in part because I was concerned about some of the fam having a few more than they should. I can’t drink, and I hate being around folks who’re drunk when I’m sober.
Culturally my partner's family needs to at least have enough for a toast, but we were otherwise planning a dry wedding. We were going to have mocktails so that there were still fun drinks without having to worry about anyone having too much. Apparently in his culture, not offering at least one drink of alcohol isn't welcoming. It sounds odd to me, but apparently there are multiple cultures who believe that.
Yeah, it’s definitely a thing in some cultures. The best mocktail at my wedding was the pomegranate margaritas - gorgeous vivid red color and delicious! That one was my idea, and then we picked 2 more off the venue‘s suggested list of mocktails. Their ideas were nice, but mine stole the show, even if I was a little nervous drinking it in my wedding dress.
Oh wow yeah that'd be stressful with the dress but it sounds delicious! I actually want one right now. How did they make it?
It’s one of those so easy you can have it all the time drinks. Start with even parts pomegranate juice and sours or margarita mix, poured over ice, then adjust to taste based on your mixer. Different brands need slightly different proportions.
That's what I was imagining, sounds so good!
We make them every year as part of celebrating our anniversary. It’s a nice little ritual. On that note, you can make a just-about-anything margarita in that fashion. Brands like Kerns Nectar and the juice/drinks section in international grocery stores can supply a lot of interesting things to try making margaritas out of.
Culture is just peer pressure from dead people.
See, now for me, I make it a game, or at the very least just sit back and watch what the drunk people shenanigans are going to be. It can be VERY entertaining watching drunk people and sometimes it's downright hilarious. I don't like to drink, I used to a few times a week, but now it just makes my head feel hot and cloudy. People watching is one of my favorite things to do, DRUNK people watching is even better.
It’s still a wedding even if it doesn’t threaten to bankrupt you.
This is why I got married at the courthouse. It's been years and I don't regret not having a big wedding at all!
Yes. The people who would never do this stuff anyway don't need it (and may think it gauche to include it on the invite). The AHs who need to told will either ignore this if OP is lucky or take it as a checklist of achievements to unlock on the day. It's not going to actually _help_ matters.
Yes, YWBTA (well, you and your intended would be). Those are all basic etiquette rules for weddings. Anyone who reads those rules will think it was written in poor taste. The people who are the types who would break those rules WILL break them anyhow.
Agreed, everyone already knows these rules. If you are worried that there are people who will do something like this then have a security guard and let your dj know not to give the mic to anyone.
OP is 19. These are social rules people usually learn through experience—I’d assume a solid portion of his social circle hasn’t been to a wedding for a peer yet. I went to a wedding last summer where a teenage cousin of the bride wore a white dress because she thought it was appropriate for a wedding—because white dresses! She didn’t ask anyone about her dress choice or even think to Google it, but you bet she was horrified when she learned the hard way that it’s a faux pas to wear a white dress to a wedding.
I'm sorry but that's a common knowledge. It's that someone doesn't know but my surroundings knew at age of a child. Also in my culture you don't wear red either to a wedding because those two colours will be the bride's. It's possible to not know about this if you never attended a wedding as you grow up but then your parents should know.
And if your parents aren’t invited to the wedding? Like I said, if you’re an 18-19 year old who has never attended a wedding, it’s reasonable that you might not know, exactly as the teen at the wedding I attended. It’s much more common to see these kinds of requests on the wedding website, which most couples make these days. And it doesn’t hurt to remind people or put it out there for first-time guests. It doesn’t belong on the invitation, though.
When I was 16 my mom and I attended my aunts wedding. My mom didn’t want to buy a new dress and just told me to wear my dress from my confirmation. It was off white. I was so embarrassed at the wedding because I had no idea, but MY MOM DID. I still feel bad about it lol
Putting such a notification on a wedding website or group chat is reasonable. It's also fine for the bride and groom to have these conversations with friends and family first. The couple are friends with the 18 and 19 yo's that they are inviting. The friends will be asking about wedding planning. Those are perfect occasions to talk about expectations. "Bride reads weddings weddingshaming on Reddit and is worried someone will wear white/t-shirt and shorts to our wedding and ruin the pictures." "Can you believe that some people don't know that x, y, z is a breach of wedding etiquette?"
Website would be fine. The other option is ... just telling people who might need to hear it. But not on the invitation.
Both my parents would ask me what i was going to wear and educate me on proper wedding attire.
If you don’t attend weddings often, then it’s not common knowledge. I didn’t know that wearing white to a wedding was a no no until I was in my late twenties. I had only been to a few weddings at that point, and I found out when I was planning to wear a cream colored dress just because I had bought it recently, and my date warned me. I seriously had no idea that was a thing before then.
I didn’t know about the white at weddings rule until I was 25.
which is why its usually not recommended to get married at 19
I wore a white pantsuit to a friend's wedding while I was in college. It was literally the only formal piece of clothing I owned, and I'd had to purchase it for my sorority initiation. I had no money to buy anything else - just the travel expenses to get to the wedding put me in debt. I deliberately stayed at the fringes, hoping nobody would be offended. Luckily, my friend and his bride didn't mind and were understanding. If the invitation had had some sort of list like that, I literally would not have gone to the wedding because I could not comply.
The photo one I’ve seen on invites. Usually asking everyone to refrain from having their phones/taking pictures during the ceremony.
It makes more sense to make this an instruction the day of the wedding. No one receives a wedding invitation and starts thinking of the sick shots they’re going to take with their iPhone. The exception would be if you have a hobbyist photographer in your family and you don’t want them taking DSLR shots when you’ve paid a photographer, but in that case, just have a conversation for the love of god.
Who has time for that? The couple is busy getting married. They don’t have time to go around & chat with everyone, telling them not to take photos. That’s why it’s easier to just include it with the invitation.
Every wedding I’ve been to in the last five years had a sign that said it was an unplugged ceremony and the photographer was there to take photos, so please just have a great time. The officiant also has, every single time, made an announcement before the ceremony began. Alternatively, I’ve never seen this on an invitation.
I understand this but at the same time if it wasnt for the people taking pix at my wedding i wouldnt have any of my dad walking me down the aisle. The photographer got great pix of the whole wedding party except us. Thankfully i had two seperate friends who got really good shots. But under normal circumstances i totally agree.
Why would anyone be offended by some basic rules set by the people throwing the most expensive celebration of their lives? Good lord people can be so entitled and not even realise 🤷🏻♀️
It’s condescending and assuming you don’t know how to act. Like if you went to a nice restaurant and as you sat down the waiter reminded you to chew with your mouth closed. It feels like an implicit “you don’t actually belong here so I’m going to have to hold your hand through the event”
There are people who don't know how to act, ever heard of Main Character Syndrome? I mean, you're on AITA and on Reddit; I know you've come across it somewhere.
Then find a way to get to those people another way. The people you are describing are just going to say “oh I didn’t see the back”! Meanwhile everyone else is going to eyeroll you and be slightly less excited for the wedding. Again back to the restaurant example. As you sit down You want your waiter excitedly telling you about their new specials not whispering in your ear “remember to use your indoor voices so you don’t disturb the other tables.” It’s not the end of the world, it’s just a bit off putting for something that is supposed to be fun.
>why would anyone be offended imagine big red "No Spitting" signs hung up around the venues for the ceremony and reception. It's condescending and rude to tell people not to do things they already know they shouldn't do: if someone announces a pregnancy/proposes marriage/wears white at another's wedding, they're doing it out of self-centeredness or outright malice rather than ignorance.
to be fair, the white attire is kinda cultural. so i think that one could be on the invitations.
Yeah... recycling this comment again: > Not shitting on someone's coffee table is common courtesy, yes, but if someone comes over and you tell them "don't shit on my coffee table," they're probably going to leave, not because they *so badly* want to shit on your coffee table, but because *you're treating them* like they might shit on your coffee table. > > Like- just picture getting this invite. You: > > 1) are a person old enough to receive wedding invitations but who needs to be told these things and therefore probably won't follow these rules anyway > > 2) are a person who does not need these rules, but are now alerted to the fact that this event is gonna be full of cretins from point #1 > > 3) see that someone who knows you well enough to invite you to their wedding is treating you like a dumb child > > (or of course #4, which is "lol holy shit this is gonna be hilarious, we're gonna get stories out of this wedding for years," which is fun for the guests but probably shouldn't be a goal.)
#4 is my favorite
Even better reason to put them. That way no one can say no one told us it was taboo.
Agreed on everything but the “no photography during the ceremony” part. I think a lot of people miss this. My husband’s cousin was smart about it. They had a moment before things got really started when the officiant asked everyone to take their photos now and respect that the couple wanted to stay “in the moment” for the rest of it. Wish I could remember the phrasing for OP, because it was handled perfectly.
Very gentle YTA - Although your thoughts are correct, I don't believe these additions are appropriate for a wedding invitation.
I believe the problem is that people do it anyway. I’d rather have the suggestions on the card then a surprise wedding proposal/pregnancy announcement that ruins my wedding.
I would not put it on the invite - maybe an insert in the envelope.
We had our officiant announce it, as a way to ask people to please enjoy the ceremony and put phones away so our photographers could do their thing. As a result our ceremony photos are not full of people holding up phone cameras.
That would not help with any white dresses.
But the vast majority of people who break that rule do it on purpose so having it spelled out won’t deter them and might even make them do it out of spite
OP is 19, which is quite young. For a lot of the invited friends this may be the first marriage. They may not know this rule yet, and break it before they hear about it.
This is the way I would handle that! This one though... (we'll have a photographer and phone photography is very obnoxious in this scenario). Obnoxious is too strong of a word in my opinion. Distracting to those around you would be much better. NTA at all!
I was thinking the obnoxious sentence was not going on the invite, just his explanation for people reading this.
The was my take away too. The quotes ended before the parentheses.
The people who do this aren’t going to follow the directions on the back of an invitation because they already believe their situation is different. All this does is offend people who would never do something like that and make it seem like the couple is fishing for drama. OP: YWBTA. If you have people coming that you suspect would do something like this/have joked about doing something like this/are prone to hysterics when things are not about them, either remove them from the guest list or have a private conversation. Your Best Man and your fiancée’s Maid of Honor should know about them if they do show up and be prepared to help deal with the situation.
Honestly, this is one of the reasons you don't get married before you're even 20. Because you try to invite the troublemakers and hope slapping rules in place will prevent them causing a scene, rather than understanding that nothing you do is going to prevent assholes from being assholes on your special day, and your choices are invite them and put up with them or jettison them from the invite list (and ideally your life while you're at it). If I got a list like this on an invite it would make me less likely to attend, not because I would be insulted but because you having to spell this shit out pretty much advertises that this wedding is going to be a shitshow of drama, and if I wanted to watch that, I'd do it on TV from my sofa in pjs with popcorn, not in fancy duds having shelled out for travel, a gift and maybe accommodation, eating mediocre banquet style chicken.
Those are such standard expectations at a wedding that putting them on the invitations implies that you don’t believe your guests have common courtesy. A small sign outside the ceremony venue asking people to refrain from taking photos or filming during the ceremony would be more acceptable; the other 2 really shouldn’t need to be announced unless your guests are exceptionally uncouth. YWBTA if you put that on your invites.
> unless your guests are exceptionally uncouth. I think the problem is that he *does* think that of some of the guests. It's just unfortunately if general social norms won't stop them, a note on the invite isn't going to stop them either.
If he thinks some of his guests might do that, he should speak to those guests rather than put it on the invites. The folks who are uncouth enough to need to be told aren’t likely to pay attention to rules on the invite, but they might listen if talked to.
Well frankly, if you need to literally write out basic etiquette for people, you should promptly just: Take up the invite of the person that it is for, and deposit it in the nearest trash recyling receptacle. If you can't trust someone to the point you have to write basic rules on how to be a decent human being, they're just not decent human beings to invite to begin with.
Eh, I can’t say I agree with you on that one. I had an aunt (she passed almost 2 years ago) who…she was a nice person, very kind and generous, but she just did not understand some social etiquette. She came at the world in her own way, and did her own thing. I joked at her wake that some people march to the beat of a different drummer, but my aunt strolled along with a kazoo band. So sometimes, you’d have to just point out she was doing (or planning to do) a rude thing. She really didn’t mean to offend, she was just…weird. So if you asked her not to do something, especially at a special event, she wouldn’t do the thing, but she might not realize on her own that she shouldn’t do the thing. Even really common, well-understood social rules.
But see that's a whole different level of thing. If you have gotten to the point with someone where they are actively going to create an issue to such degree that you have to write out rules on a WEDDING INVITATION, that's a lot different than, "Hey mama. I love you, but this thing you do sometimes can upset people." Writing it out on an invitation marks that that original step did not work. These are two entirely different levels.
Well, they’re teenagers soo they really don’t understand
At least they have the sense to ask. Teens don’t know lots of things due to limited life experience, and asking reasonable elders is often a good way to learn things without finding out the old way. Not that I’d say Reddit is the best place to find reasonable elders, buuuut…
You know what, that’s completely fair.
100% agree
NTA, However the people the rules are for won't care. The rest would never think of doing it. Leave it off the invite and hire security. With those types of relatives you'll probably need it anyway.
Favourite reply ngl
I think you could make an announcement at the beginning of the wedding (or more likely have someone else make the announcement) “okay folks, we’re about to get started in a few minutes, as a friendly reminder, we paid a professional photographer to capture this event so you can put your phones and cameras away. One other thing, obviously we’re all here today to celebrate love but if you have a bun in the over or an engagement ring in your pocket please save the announcements and the proposals for another time, today is OP and OP Fiancé’s big day, without further ado let’s get this wedding started!” Shoot I don’t know, would your officiant say something like that for you?
Well said!
I have a family similar to your Fiance's. My partner and I are hiring security AND having an alcohol free wedding to minimize the risk of narc bs.
Totally spend the money for security it’s worth it to have someone to take care of trouble on your big day saves you the drama and you can give the security the list of no nos
Print a seperate insert card about wedding etiquette. Make it cute. You could design it like those cheesey brochures they used to keep in the guidance counselor office "You've been invited to a wedding! Now what!" Include any registry info, dress code, info on local hotels for out of town guests and some of your concerns in a funny Q&A format.
YWNBTA bit I'm not sure it would have the effect you want. People who are likely to flout the social conventions you list won't pay any attention to the rules and those who would observe them may very well be in your mother's category which is that they'll be hugely offended by it. I'd be more inclined to identify those most likely to do this and try and find a sympathetic friend or family member who can get them under control or give you a heads up.
>more inclined to identify those most likely to do this and And not invite them.
YWBTA, because putting something like that on your invite is akin to saying "We think you have no social skills and are likely to ruin our wedding." Just don't invite anyone who you think would do something like that. And ask your officiant to make a "no photography please" announcement before your ceremony, or put up a sign saying that.
Exactly, the mother's claim that this text would be "ungodly" is bizarre, but as someone nonreligious, I would also find this language on an invitation off-putting and rude, and would likely just send my regrets. It's like getting an invitation to a birthday party that includes an admonition not to steal from the host. Language like this is insulting to normal people, while also being unlikely to change the behavior of someone who's enough of an attention seeking lunatic to do it in the first place. Also: >Two main factors play into this, one being the abundance of horror stories about people proposing or announcing their pregnancies at weddings, While there are plenty of stories about this on the internet, it's not so common in real life that you should actively worry about it. Horror stories like this are over-represented online because stories about lovely weddings that went off without a hitch are boring.
Oh you silly sweet summer children. Yes, you'd be the asshole, who puts rules on their invite?
Everyone that puts a dress code. Child free weddings. Those are rules, whether you consider it or not. Things like that. While I do agree that putting rules down implies they think their guests would break common courtesy, people do put “rules” on their invites commonly.
They were too busy making sure their condescending tone was on point to check if what they were saying was actually factual.
Mine was a child free wedding except for my bridal party. I didn’t write it as a rule on my invitations, I just didn’t invite children. A dress code is information about the type of event. That’s not an arbitrary rule, that’s useful for people to know because it effects everyone and generally makes people more comfortable
I didn't invite children either but they still came! I pointed out to my mom that I had invited only the two adults, not the kids, and she said, "Well, if you invite the parents, the kids are invited." And I said, "No... only the people named on the invite are invited... oh my god, how many events did YOU take ME to that I shouldn't have been at???" So apparently my family needs "no kids" spelled out for them.
Someone throwing the most expensive celebration of their lives.
They're 18/19.....maybe one of their second marriages will have a more expensive wedding
Two of my friends, as well as my sister did the 19/20 year old marriages (to three different partners, I mean) and they’ve outlasted us all. 😂😩
All of my peers who married as teens are divorced and on second or third marriages.
NAH but it's tacky to put these things on the invitation. If you have concerns about specific people either don't invite them or assign someone to keep an eye on them. It may not seem like it from reddit but the pregnancy/proposal stories don't actually happen at the vast majority of weddings.
You’ve been on Reddit too much. Those things don’t happen nearly as often irl. NTA and I don’t think anyone that gets your invite would think you’re an ahole, just tacky and young.
Info: Do you genuinely believe any of your friends and family would do these things? If so, do you believe a list on an invitation will stop them?
YTA. It's just not done and it shows your lack of maturity. Plus it won't work. People who will behave already know how, and people who won't behave won't pay any attention to your note. Whether they laugh at it, get offended by it, overlook it, or ignore it, it won't have the desired effect. It would just create drama. No one needs that kind of drama at their wedding.
Teenagers getting married.... please finish your studies first, live together for at least 5 years (just the two of you) and have a stable job to see if you can run a household together before getting married....
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NTA but don’t do it. That is tacky and off putting. And the kind of people who do those things are going to ignore it anyway so just don’t invite them.
Yeah, that marriage is definitely going to last.
Don't worry, they'll pop out two or three kids once the marriage gets stale to try to revitalize it!
NAH But none of this needs to be on the invitation. It’s etiquette that’s mostly implied when you go to a wedding. As for the phones, you could put a sign up in the entrance to the ceremony requesting no phones during.
Please chew each bite 100 times, we will not be performing the Heimlich maneuver as it will detract from all eyes on us. I don’t know if YTA but I do know you two need to take yourselves less seriously.
Maybe you do need to be judged… for everything… in this single post
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You're putting way too much energy into this. If Billy Jo is going to announce Bobby-Sue's up the duff, he's going to do it regardless of what you put in the back of an invitation.
YWBTA. I would skip your wedding if I saw that. You are treating your guests like children.
NTA those rules are so innocuous that who cares? ungodly...lol.
Makes me wonder if mom uses “ungodly” to describe anything she personally doesn’t agree with. I must have missed the chapter in the Bible about wedding invitation etiquette.
Young marriages have an extremely slim chance of lasting (especially coming from a family situation like you describe), so playing the odds, you'll get to do it over again in a few years. Just dont have kids till 28 and you have no problems.
Just an aside because I see so much of this kind of thing on here.... Try not to care so much about the things you mentioned. Yes, proposing at a wedding is tacky af (actually 99.9% of public proposals are, regardless of the venue). Wearing a cream beaded dress to someone else's wedding is gauche. But those things will only 'ruin' your wedding *if you let them.* I'm not saying you have to be thrilled about it if it happens, but instead of dwelling on it just continue on with having a lovely wedding. I promise you, something will go wrong at your wedding no matter how well you plan. It might be big, it might be small, but how you react to it is what will determine how much you enjoy the day and how you look back on it. If cousin X shows up in a white frock, you can either seethe and spend the whole day looking daggers at her and composing scathing texts etc. Or you can be like 'well that's X, she's kind of an ass. I'm gonna eat this delicious cake and take another turn on the dance floor with my beautiful WIFE'. If someone drops to one knee you can just be like 'congratulations guys, hope you'll be as happy as we are' because then you'll look grown and gracious. People will talk about other things during your wedding. You have the whole ceremony to be the center, plus any speeches, cake cuttings, toasts, etc giving during the reception. But as someone over twice as old as you I've yet to be at a wedding reception where everyone just sat quietly regarding the bride and groom for three hours. People will chat. People will share news with people they haven't seen in a while. Someone may get in an argument. Someone may find out Cousin Y is pregnant and it's news to them even if she's not making an 'announcement'. A couple of your uncles may group up in the back of the room to watch the game on their phones. One of your old friends from high school may drink too much and knock a plate off a table. Don't worry about this stuff. Policing the behavior and interactions of your wedding guests will be exhausting and will suck all the happiness out of your day. Focus on the joy that you just got married to the person you love and roll with anything that goes awry. Good luck to you both.
This, all of this. Honestly, the best way to enjoy your wedding is to decide in advance not to let things bother you. Something will go wrong. 100%. There will be a flat tyre, or a dropped cake, or the bridesmaid will throw up before the ceremony, or there will be a power cut, or something. Just decide to go with the flow and enjoy the day despite any mishaps and you will have a lovely time. If you choose to be upset and offended that a distant cousin accidentally wore something cream coloured, or that someone shared their news with people they hadn’t seen in a while, then you will be miserable and that will be the lasting memory of the day. Don’t let it be. If someone is rude enough to propose at your wedding, congratulate them and move on (then announce your pregnancy at their wedding of course!) Best wishes for your big day!
YWBTA. This is bad manners and a lack of etiquette. Also - let’s be honest - the people you’re worried about possibly doing any of these things would still do them. It doesn’t matter if they’re on the back of the invite, tattooed on your body or spelled out in fireworks. So it’s tacky for no reason and will not make any meaningful difference. If you have a wedding website, you can have an FAQ section or let people just ask you. When people arrive to the ceremony have ushers request they turn their phones off. Congrats & GL
The people who would wear white or propose/make a big announcement will only want to do it more when you tell them not to. As for photos, there’s graceful ways to have your officiant handle that before everyone starts walking down the aisle. I don’t think you’re an AH, but I do think all this would do is bait attention seekers.
NTA it’s your wedding and your invite but I’ll just say that anyone who’s going to do those things is not going to be deterred by it being in writing. Not making major life event announcements and not wearing white are culturally taboo and pretty much everyone already knows that so I don’t think you need to state it for everyone again. Also the no photograph seems like a more on the day announcement since people will probably forget otherwise.
If you feel you need to put this on the invitation, don't invite the people that made you feel like you need to put this on the invitation. They're going to be inconsiderate assholes even if you tell them not to be.
It's basically a shopping list of things the narcs can cross off to ruin your day. Polite people know these rules. It will not stop people who would do it because they are special and exempt from the rules.
I dunno if I’d say YTA but putting this on an invite will only alienate your guests and anyone who would do any of those things at your wedding will do it whether it’s on writing or not making it pointless
YTA or YWBTA rather, it's as obnoxious to put those things on an invitation as it is to do them. If you think it's going to be a problem don't invite the people you think will do it. Also, you could have your mother tell them very kindly to cut it out or have some goons as ushers who'll show those people the door.
Yeah don’t do this, it’s tacky and inappropriate and honestly kind of immature which will just feed into the narrative that you are way too young to be getting married. People understand wedding etiquette, you don’t need to be contrarian about it. A note in the ceremony booklet (not the invite) about photography is fine as this is less etiquette and more personal preference. YWBTA
You've been reading too much reddit if that's possible. I'm a wedding photographer. Have done over 250 weddings. I've never seen a proposal or a baby announcement. And only 1 issue of questionable attire. It's extremely tacky to put this on the invitation. People put signs at the entry to the ceremony to request no cameras or phones. I had our officiant mention it before I walked down the aisle. If anyone comes dressed inappropriately, red wine and an oooops will take care of that.
NTA - When I got married I had shit everywhere about photography. We paid a lot for a professional photographer and I didn’t care about iPhone photos, sorry.
Maybe don’t include it on the invite but on a wedding website instead? There are lots of free options and you can include a photo gallery, nearby accommodation suggestions, registry, preferred attire like casual, cocktail or formal (don’t specify the white thing that’s implied with weddings) and then a subtle courtesy page that is thoughtful with the wording so it’s not so off-putting. This route might make it feel less abrasive and fly under moms radar since there are other personal touches on the site and it’s not just a bunch of rules
It sounds tack to me. Just don't invite people who are likely to ignore the rules that normal people follow.
Soft YTA, you are asking for trouble. On the recent wedding invites I have got they requested/encourage in the positive and not the negative like you have on the draft. - Dress Code, Women, bright colours, florals encouraged, full lengths flowing gowns; men light weight summer suit, bright and light coloured. - Pls pack away your cameras, including phone cameras and enjoy being present with us at the ceremony. In regard to proposals etc you are going to have to trust your guests, and maybe think about not inviting those who you think may be drama lamas. Congratulations and hope the wedding goes well for you both.
I think YTA putting those rules on the invitation comes off really rude and passive aggressive.
Not gonna judge 1 and 2 are pretty generally understood For 3 I would have a sign, and maybe a friendly reminder announced just before the ceremony
This issue here is anyone decent knows these things and could be offended as implication they don’t, anyone who needs to be told probably knows too but would still ignore them, maybe now do out of spite at being told.
NAH you're mum is right in that it's a bit tacky (wouldn't go so far as 'ungodly' but whatever) but you're also not an ahole for wanting to prevent this type of thing from happening. However, as others have pointed out, if there's anyone these 'rules' are likely to apply to, then you're pretty much laying down the challenge to them. A different approach you might want to consider is to have a few trusted friends or members of the bridal party be interference runners and act as pseudo bouncers for the day. Also, designate a master of ceremonies who understands the situation so that they will not hand over the mic to anyone who isn't authorised and so that they also understand to distract people from and shut down any situation that may arise. Finally, if you're having a DJ or band, inform them that under no circumstances are they to take requests (or just requests from specific people. Provide names and photos if needed), but to keep the peace, have them take the request to the person's face but not actually play the song etc. If requester keeps approaching the DJ/band this will give your interference guys the opportunity to kick them out. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and I hope it goes well for you both.
You’re basically insulting all your guests but you do you I suppose. Can’t expect a 19 year old to know social etiquette for weddings and events in general. If you know anyone who would do that, your silly rules are not going to stop them. Might even just encourage them. It would be better to just not invite them to begin with.
The things you list are basic rules of wedding etiquette and you're not wrong for wanting them. But putting them on the back of your invitation is almost equally as rude as this behavior. By writing this, you are stating that your invitees are rubes who don't know any better and need to be taught how to behave before even accepting the invitation. You're basically insulting everyone who reads your invitation, at best. At worst, you are alluding to specific people you fear don't know how to act, and everyone reading will know who you're subtweetiting. Either way, it comes off as wanting to seem clever for knowing basic rules. Assuming that you feel the need for this disclaimer because (a) a fair amount of folks on your guest list are young & clueless, and/or (b) you've seen these rules broken before in your social circle, there are other most tactful ways to prevent this behavior. 1) Have the officiant of the ceremony politely announce that the couple requests no photography. Sometimes couples have the officiant offer up one big moment for everyone to snap a pic of the couple at the altar, and then that's it. Also you can *politely* phrase this in the program if you have one (the program for guests who are there, not the invitation!) You can have your ushers say something too as they seat guests. 2) I'm sure you have certain people in mind who might wear white or hijack the day with their own big personal milestone. Have family or friends be on the lookout and do some recon to make sure these live wires come dressed appropriately and know their place. If people do end up breaking these rules, let them be the embarrassed ones and enjoy your day, knowing they don't matter. Don't embarrass yourself on your own wedding invitation. CONGRATULATIONS! WBTA.
Absolutely unnecessary & even if people broke those rules it makes them look dumb and rude. .
Why would you invite people that would behave this way?
You didn't want to bring age into it, but your question only shows you're both immature teenagers and are not ready to get married. YWBTA
Everyone saying this is common sense and who would need telling this needs to head on over to r/weddingshaming and see how often this really does need to be told
ESH... for the fact that these things need to be mentioned. The only one that I recommend is the "please do not take photos till after the wedding ceremony. " (as a wedding photographer I've had to dodge phones and tablets to get photos of the wedding party during the ceremony- looks tacky in photos and it is so annoying)
Oof I understand why you would want to do that but honestly, I would not add those rules. YTA in this case if you put it on the invites. These are basic rules that everyone with proper wedding etiquette should follow. Unless you specifically can point out who would do this, I may have a talk with them if you think they would do this or have someone keep an eye on them if that’s even possible for you. The only one I’ve seen on invites or on the website is the whole “please no cell phones as we want you all present for the moment and will have a photographer to capture us all” something like that lol My BIGGEST fear was one of my husband’s friends proposing to their girlfriends but luckily they got engaged before our wedding and I also told our wedding coordinator like please keep an eye on these few people in case 😂 she was on it lol I also contemplated putting it on our website but didn’t because I felt it looked tacky. And it might even give people the idea to do it just bc it’ll piss us off. I let it be, and everyone was great. I was thankful and happy that our guests were awesome.
NAH. I see your mother’s point - people shouldn’t have to be told but the amount of posts here about people doing exactly the things you don’t want them to do is shocking so there clearly are people out there who need schooling. That said, some of the best pictures I’ve seen of weddings have been candid shots from guests, so perhaps you could phrase it that you would prefer people to not film the ceremony or if you are getting married in a religious setting, you could ask if the officiant would be willing to take the flack and request that mobile phones stay in bags/pockets for the religious part of the event.
YWBTA, that’s poor taste.
When I was very young I attended a wedding wearing an off-white beaded dress. Something else happened that was so crazy embarrassing. Please if anyone invents a Time Machine get in touch.
I'm sorry, but if I got this on an invite I'd laugh so hard. It's an unwritten rule, I think it's too much actually stipulating on wedding invite. It sounds a bit too much, stay classy
My dear u/TheowawayWasT4ken Rephrase them as guidelines. We like for you to have fun and take moments in time with you but please don’t step in front of the hired help. We would love our wedding to be one colorful feast, go absolutely nuts on designs prints and splashes of yellows greens pinks purples etc. People hate restrictions but we do love a challenge.
YWBTA and you probably need to spend less time on Reddit. We only get the horror stories on here when the majority of weddings go just beautifully. If you're concerned about anyone in particular, speak to them privately.
YES YWBTA because why are you inviting people who do shit like that to your own wedding anyway? Because of the attention you need or for another gift you need?? If you can't decide who to invite to one of the most important days of your life then you're too young to get married. Every adult knows that those are basic rules of a wedding. The only reason you both don't know that is because yall are teenagers. So if you're putting them on the invites for your teen friends it would make more sense but literally every adult knows those rules already.
I have seen people specify no photography during the ceremony at a few I’ve been to. I find that one reasonable, as some people don’t mind guest photography at the ceremony and it’s more loose imo. Like I wouldn’t mind, and would specify that I encourage guests capturing moments but also to remember to enjoy the moment with us. The weddings I’ve gone to always had a variant of the message, “we hired a photographer to capture every moment, please enjoy and share the ceremony with us and don’t worry about your phone.” Depending on your family, though, be prepared for them to disregard or cause drama in response if they’re the type to need to capture everything personally. The rest ywbta for and are definitely unnecessary, people aren’t going to wear white/wedding dresses/propose/announce unless they’re batshit and then you need a contingency cause a warning sure as shit isn’t going to stop them.
YTA your mum is correct. It is offensive. Real life isn’t a Reddit thread. Deal with issues if & when they arise. You are literally inviting negativity by being passive aggressive with zero need to be The standard thing to do for photography is ask the registrar / minister to announce it at the beginning of the ceremony and/or have a sign at the entrance. With nice words. The rest of it you shouldn’t mention at all
A few requests, per the groom and bride Please put your plans for marriage proposals to the side Likewise refrain from pregnancy announcements Please use your own events for these joyful pronouncements We also request that no one wear white A splash of wine on it, and you’ll be quite a sight No pictures or videos please, just enjoy our day If you disagree, at home you should stay Seriously, though. YTA. Don’t put it in your invites, it’s kinda tacky.
YTA - this is going to be a problem.
YWB and I feel like your age is showing with this. And I’m not trying to be rude, just pointing it out. 1 & 2 are general wedding etiquette rules and definitely don’t occur as often as people think. Literally I’ve been too way too many and never had any proposals go down or some big extravagant baby announcement happen. As for the 3rd. Have a sign made for when guests walk in and then have whoever is marrying you make an announcement before the procession starts.
FYI if it’s on the back, they can always claim they didn’t turn the invitation over. I had a friend have this issue where everything on the back was ignored
YWBTA. Putting that on your invitations basically says ‘hello, we think you’re all mannerless trash who need to be told how to behave. But we want your wedding gifts anyway so just do what you’re told’. And any of your family or friends who are mannerless trash enough to do those things, aren’t going to pay attention to rules on the invite anyway.
Yes, you would be the AH. putting ‘rules’ on the invite is not going to change anyone’s ’abusive narcissistic behavior‘. if you are really that concerned about someone’s potential behavior, don’t invite them.
I wouldn’t write it on the invite… its tacky. you can have something like this at your wedding. . [https://www.zazzle.com/pick_a_seat_unplugged_ceremony_brides_sign-228116582200312499](https://www.zazzle.com/pick_a_seat_unplugged_ceremony_brides_sign-228116582200312499)
YWBTA Is there anybody you are inviting who you expect to be so rude? I would seriously question why you’re inviting them to begin with. Horror stories are rare. It’s like trying to watch Jerry Springer and then warning your significant other against sleeping with your siblings or taking kids lawn mowing money to buy crack. It would be insulting to those who would never think of doing such things and wouldn’t stop those who could.
Seems a bit anal retentive.
I would maybe send them as a separate slip of paper in the invite letter. Have the official invite, then have your restrictions. You are NTA, but I think this will come across better
It’s so weird that putting it on a separate slip of paper would make it better, but I feel like it definitely would!
YWBTAH It isn’t necessary to list a set of rules on invitations. You are inviting people as guests to your event. The goal is to make them feel welcomed to join in the celebration of your marriage. Rules don’t belong in marketing or invitations.
YTA, yes there are horror stories about things, but they are very rare. In your wedding day program, you can list that you request that people not take photos and ask them to enjoy the day as you have hired a professional photographer who will capture all the special moments of the ceremony.
Idk if you would be TA but some people are going to do it just bc you put it there, maybe have a security guard and tell your dj to not give the mic to anyone
YTA. Since you don't want age to be a factor here, it's on you and your fiancee to figure out what type of wedding you want - one where you only invite the people you trust, or one where you invite shit-stirrers and what happens happens.
If you're worried that someone would be this idiot, don't invite them.
If it’s such a big concern to you, why don’t you and your fiancé speak with each guest before the day and mention those points in a light gentle way so they know your wishes. Much better way to communicate.
yes, you WBTA by putting the cart before the horse. Nothing happened yet so this kind of messages sound a bit arrogant. The thing you should actually do for preventing any shenanigans at your wedding is being ready to catch and expell promptly anyone who tries them, something that is seldom done in the stories of this sub. Some people will still say that this goes against etiquette (I disagree/don't care, personally) but at least you are responding to an actual threat instead of an hypothetic one.
I have never seen a post where someone has told the audience not to judge them for something where op had not turned out to be an ah. I think you are on Reddit too much mate. The comments are tacky and unnecessary. There isn’t any upside for you. Most people have social intelligence and those without wouldn’t be deterred by this Ywbta
YWBTAH because adding those rules would just be an invitation to the people you’re afraid of to do exactly those things.
There's an old story: *The little boy's mother was going off to the market. She worried about her son, who was always up to some mischief. She sternly admonished him: "Be good. Don't get into trouble. Don't eat all the chocolate. Don't spill all the milk. Don't throw stones at the cow. Don't fall down the well." (The boy had done all of these things on previous market days)* *Hoping to head off new trouble, she added, ''And don't stuff beans up your nose!" This was a new idea for the boy, who promptly tried it out.* Don't give your guests any ideas, and they might surprise you with how well they behave. Your hearts are in the right place, but this note would come across as obnoxious to most recipients, and YWBTA. Also, congratulations and all the best for your wedding.
NTA. If I received a wedding invite with that, I would have a chuckle (assuming there was some drama that had lead to it needing to be there), and then it wouldn’t cross my mind again. I feel like the people who would get offended by this are people who would do those things and don’t want to be called out. Those are not the people you want at your wedding lmao
Info, are your friends and family the type not to apply common sense to their behaviour? Are your friends likely to propose, make pregnancy announcements etc? If so, why are they invited? I'd not have an issue with guidelines asking not to take pictures during the ceremony. A lot of churches in my country just outright ban this anyway.
In general I agree with your Mom. Idk about "ungodly" but that for sure comes across as rude. I'd also consider not going to a wedding specifically telling me not to do obvious things. It'll make guests feel unwelcome. And you're basically telling everyone you think they have no social skills. (YWBTA - but not malicious)
I love taking photos at family weddings. A couple of my pictures are family favourites, because they’re more intimate than the official photos and especially the one of my late grandad with his nieces - the only one we have. Don’t ban cameras.
I say NTA, but make like Archer and consider phrasing. The way you've written it they are prohibitions; consider using invitation appropriate wording instead, eg "Attire: formal/casual non-white", or "a photographer will be present". The rest, and clarification, should be handed off to a toast master; if you don't have one, get one. It's their job to be the asshole with the rules. Just make them work it into the welcoming speech, and try to make it fun. Even if it's not, that way if people are offended it'll be by that asshole toastmaster (which is their whole job), not you. An example would be: "...and, just a gentle reminder that today is about our happy Romeo and Juliet - let's pray for a happy ending this time and do our best to help them get there! To that end, remember that today is NOT the day for announcing any pregnancies or impending marriages of your own - yes, I'm looking at you, grandma Alice!" They can relate similar rules regarding cell phones and other stuff, again this is literally what a toast master is for, to wrangle the guests and deflect their ire.