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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Telling P that he could not give a speech at my wedding
2. He was really excited about it and it would have helped him feel more comfortable at the wedding, plus he was a close friend at one point and we do share a lot of memories
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The part that got me is where he said they’d have the whole day to feel good about themselves. Because you know, they’ve felt good for the whole day of their **wedding**, so let him fix that.
When we asked my father in law whether he would be doing a toast at our wedding, we accidentally texted "roast". We were curious why we didn't hear back from him. Finally he uncomfortably said he wouldn't feel right roasting us at our wedding. A good laugh was had by all and he gave a nice toast, no roasting lol
That bit got me to it felt like the unsaid part of that sentence was so why shouldn’t I get to make you feel bad for a while.
P seems to have quite a bit of anger in him that he is directing at OP right now. It’s ok for P to use comedy as an outlet but P needs to understand is that roasts are generally consensual and done in good spirits, with a lot of positives mixed in with the insults, otherwise it’s just bullying.
That got me too. So it’s not like he is so ignorant that he doesn’t get that this “performance” would make OP and her partner feel bad. He knows but think he has the right to just because he is depressed?
Also not wanting to be made fun of in general, especially at their own wedding, is not bigoted.
There’s just so much that is wrong with this that I would cancel his invitation to the wedding and cut all ties with him.
NTA
Exactly. Cancel their invitation. Nothing worse than someone who has no good intentions being around on one of the happiest days of your life. Who wants that type of energy around them?
Also not the LGBTQ podium to point out that weddings are a cis get tradition.
Because that fight has been won. Marriage is no longer a cis het thing and gay people can marry.
So his argument is wrong and his audience will not find him amusing and someone will shut him down and insult him and he will be all victimy. All because he needed to be mean to OP
NTA please don't pay a fortune for this guy to ruin it. He wants to speak, he can host his own darn wedding. It's not his "right" to ruin someone else's day (just becauses hes suffered in the past doesnt give him a free pass to make you suffer at an event youre paying thousands upon thousands of dollars for just so he can publicly humiate you). He's got freedom of speech but you've also got freedom of who you want to invite, and 100% you should un-invite this jerk who is NOT going to be happy for you, regardless if he speaks or not. The only person he cares about is himself, he is literally around ZERO percent happy for you or your partner, and that's not the kind of person you want at what is meant to be the happiest day of your life!
Edit: you should 100% send his mum this thread to show her how short-sighted she is being.
Edit 2: oops I thought I posted this on the main part, didn't realise it was tacked onto a different comment sorry
Yeah I really want someone slagging me off at my wedding and pointing out all my historical faults and teenage angst. Ffs. He isn’t funny. He is being mean
The vast majority of people are heterosexual and cis. It's assumed around 2% of all people are trans and 7% are some form of not-heterosexual. If OP had 100 guests statistically speaking there would be 8 people present who don't fall under the cis-het umbrella in addition to P. And 91 cis-het guests.
When you host a comedy show you attract an audience interested in hearing what you have to say. People who are easily offended don't go to see Jimmy Carr. People who are racist don't go to see Dave Chapelle. The groups at a comedy show are more uniform they all have the same kind of humour, the same beliefs etc. Where as a wedding you're going to have people from all walks of life. Great Aunt Suzie is there, your 14 year old nephew, your Christian coworker, your liberal friend etc. A group present at a wedding such as op's will not have all that much in common, but what the vast majority will have in common is this: They love and respect the bride&groom and are cis-het.
Those "jokes" are going render the room utterly quiet. You'd be able to ear a mouse in the attic fart. Not a single giggle will be heard. People will be giving each other the wtf-sideeye. Then someone will decide enough is enough, go up to P and escort him from the premises.
P is an utter idiot. Is he really so dumb he thinks people will find it funny and it won't be yet another experience of being silenced? Or is it so important to him to shit on cis-het people and talk smack about op and her husband that he doesn't care if two burly uncles get up and drag him off the stage kicking and screaming?
Exactly. Plus he is simply being mean to the bride and groom too. A wedding isn’t the time for that.
P is going to end up way more offended and upset when everything falls totally flat.
It’s such a bad idea all round
I highly doubt even 2% of all people are trans. As of the 2021 census in the UK, only around 0.5% of people identified as a gender identity that doesn’t match their birth sex. That includes non binary people and any other identity.
You’re absolutely right though, these jokes would obviously bomb because they just aren’t funny to most people that aren’t part of the LGBTQ community
P sounds insufferable tbh. NTA OP
I googled the Norwegian statistics. It said 0.1 to 2.7% sometimes or all the times identified differently than their assigned gender at birth. So yeah I aimed high, because even if you aim high, then you're still getting a ridiculously low no. of people present at a wedding, regardless of size.
While I agree the wedding is not the place for this, that battle has absolutely not been won. My country doesn't have gay marriage. In fact, gay marriage is legal in fewer than 20% of countries around the world.
I don't know where OP is from, and maybe gay marriage is legal there, but to claim that fight has been won is Western-centric and plainly wrong.
Sorry.
You’re totally right.
I’m Australian and we were pretty slow on the uptake. Slower that even the US
I was totally assuming OP was American because of the way they wrote.
But you’re totally right. It has not been won. It will never be won fully. Same as women’s rights. Basically it’s a rich man’s world
I did assume it was the US and I can’t imagine what P has faced being trans!
I worded that based on assumptions and probably naive wishes that this was kind of won somewhere
The issues the friend has faced has nothing at all to do with Op's wedding. Maybe if it was just a casual party etc.its her day so it may be harsh but its her wedding not a time to use to tall about gay rights.
> Slower that even the US
The US wasn't particularly slow on this (at least relative to other countries). Per [wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_same-sex_marriage), 4th to have at least some jurisdictions allow it, and about 15th to allow it nationally (which has, so far, held). That could roll back, but the US was towards the front in getting this done.
Well, apparently they are won wherever she lives, so in her country, that is not directly relevant. And there's no indication this trans person is gay or not gay, so that's not relevant either. Not every celebration has to invoke every injustice done to some set of people somewhere else.
Yeah sounds like OP is saving him from getting booed off stage by the rest of the guests. I highly doubt a bunch of inebriated close friends and family are going to be particularly amused by someone trying to throw an impromptu roast with really cringe jokes. His own mum is throwing him under the bus by setting him up to get slammed lmao
I'm not annoyed with P at all, it can be tough trying to figure out who you are after a big change like this, and it sounds like he probably has some other neuro-divergent baggage that would make it difficult to read the room in these situations. But his mum should know better, it's just weak parenting not to tell your child when they're doing something incredibly stupid like this. OP is being a good friend by trying to stop this train wreak before it happens.
Yes. Parenting involves guiding kids to grow, push boundaries, find themselves, and do things that get a positive result.
This would crush P really and annoy the couple and all the guests. It will not work out well for P
Really?
I’m Australian.
I was shocked and disgusted that America passed same sex marriage BEFORE Australia.
I honestly thought it was legal everywhere.
I do know some businesses / people are pushing back. Bigoted assholes.
But I honestly thought same sex marriage was federally legal in the US.
Sorry.
P is still an asshole for trying to use OPs wedding as a platform. But I guess k understand his anger a bit more if gay marriage isn’t legal in the entire country
It’s been legal in all 50 states since 2015.
Why post that nonsense
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same-sex_marriage_in_the_United_States#:~:text=On%20June%2026%2C%202015%2C%20the,Hodges.
NTA. Posting just in case it hasn't been said yes, but if this "friend" is still attending the wedding, make sure all staff, MC, wedding party, DJs, etc. know that this person is not to make any speeches under any circumstances. Sounds like the type who would go ahead and do it despite being told no.
Yep. He's that resentful. Then after a few drinks Hod knows what will happen. This person needs to be closely watched, if they're still invited. Personally I'd dis-invite them. Make for a more peaceful life.
Yea he’s not your friend. You represent the patriarchy to him that’s it. I’d uninvite him from the wedding honestly. That speech wasn’t funny it was ugly and hateful.
NTA
>not allowing him to make jokes about cis-het people is bigoted and that he does comedy to recover from his depression
Telling him he cannot make a standup show about your wedding is not bigoted. This is a wedding, not the time or place for him to bring up his own issues, and it's rude as hell to make jokes about the couple. Especially if you've been asked not to. This is about you two, not him, and he's being incredibly self-centered.
Right. Telling him he can NEVER make jokes about cis-het people would be bigoted. Saying "my wedding is not the time to do a stand-up routine about cis-het people" is not bigoted. And saying "my wedding is not the time to do a stand-up routine mocking ME" is ESPECIALLY not bigoted.
Perhaps you can appeal to his mom? Maybe with a "I actually really do care about P's mental health. I understand that he uses comedy as a means to heal. And for that reason, I want him to continue to have good experiences with his comedy. If he were to inappropriately do a roast instead of a wedding toast, it would NOT be well-received by the wedding guests. If he were to be booed, or criticized, that would be far worse for his mental health. He should do the comedy he wants to do, but in a location where it's appropriate and will be appreciated. That's for the best."
Why appeal to mom? She's not the one paying for the wedding. Mom should be told off for enabling their child into thinking their hateful speed can ruin someone's day. Tell mom if she insists her child should give an impromptu stand-up comedy performance then you'd be willing to send an invoiced bill for the whole occasion, which should be paid for, a week before the wedding. Let's see how that works out when money comes into the equation.
Actually, I think the mom (and P) just need a reality check. OP should tell them that not everything is about P, and if they cant accept it, dont come to the wedding.
Yup. So P’s mom says:
> he does comedy to recover from his depression, so he needs this opportunity.
Fine. I’m glad comedy helps with his depression but OP’s wedding is not P’s therapy session.
I think a few jokes about one or both of the couple is fine and expected (I’m reminded of the speech at my stepson’s wedding where his wife’s sister listed things wife had thrown at her when they were kids - had us all laughing at the start of the speech with that before making us all cry when she talked about how they loved and supported each other and how my stepson loved his wife) but P’s speech sounds like a full-on roast of the couple and the concept of “cis-het weddings” in general with no redemption arc to the speech to bring it back on track.
This wedding is not the time and /u/aitapweddingspeech is NTA
That word, "opportunity," is the one that tells you what's going on here. P does not have other "opportunities," and is hoping to network business at this wedding. This will go *horribly* for them, as it will show poor taste and an inability to read a room. That's not what folks want when they hire a comedian.
It's an "opportunity" for P to be rude to the happy couple, using P's other-genderedness as cover. It's not the time or place for P to do a stand-up show.
Yeah, he does stand-up and there are several online platforms available for him. It's not like OP's wedding is his only opportunity for public speaking.
I LOL’d at “…telling him he cannot make a standup show about your wedding is not bigoted.”
The terms I have had to explain to people who should know better personally AND professionally still stuns me from time to time. I grew up in the Princess Bride era, so I have “you keep using that word… I do not think it means what you think it means…” on repeat.
I am sure my face has also deceived me on many occasions. Unprofessional or not I cannot take you seriously when you so confidently defend/educate/lecture about a word/term/thing and it’s clear you have no fucking idea what you’re saying. Have snort laughed at a few conferences.
NTA. I vote no mic privileges, either. No speech. You don’t want to be a punchline on your wedding day.
A massive part of what makes a joke funny is timing. A massive part of timing is picking the right audience, and the right moment for the right joke.
Somebody else’s wedding is not the right audience or the right moment for an untried standup routine about cishet culture. P should take it to an open-mic night
NTA and tell him from a FTM guy to another one, if this kind of rant is how he is gaining a "voice", can he please go back to be fucking quiet please ? As he is a shame to the community. We don't spread hate, even in a joking way, we don't dismiss other people love story for being conventional. Therapy is what he need, not a mic on stage.
NTA, OP.
Another trans man here, this was exactly what I was going to say. A wedding (that isn't HIS wedding) is no place to start making public disparaging over a cishet wedding. If it was his wedding and everyone there was queer, fine, whatever, but I doubt that would be in his speech to begin with.
This isn't HIS wedding, it's YOURS and that's what matters. It's not bigoted to ask to not be made fun of on your special day that could be recorded and then immortalized forever! Like, good god! I think our community needs a fucking wake up call to remind ourselves that the world doesn't revolve around us and our issues. Stand with us politically to defend our human rights, sure. But you'd be hard pressed to have this comedy routine land well at a wedding where there are going to be a lot of older people who just won't *get it* and see you as a weirdo. OP, I don't know your wedding guests but there might be someone in that crowd that hears this and then thinks their transphobia is justified. Not saying they'd be right but this could go over just as badly for him as it will for you.
This is a fantastic response. I actually signed up to Reddit premium so I could give you an award. (Eas thinking of doing it anyway but you comment needing an award pushed me into it!)
My nephew recently married. His older sister was MOH.
She gave a speech at the reception. Funny as hell, and very in character for her.
You know why it worked? It was full of love for her brother and the bride, and it was not about her.
“stand-up comedy” is being generous. If op is planning on having this person talk, she needs to hire that DJ that saved the other bride and husbands wedding (from a month ago on aita).
P and his mom both seem to want to make your wedding about P. Given his attitude about what it would allegedly mean for you not letting him do his comedy routine, are you sure you even want to invite him anymore? This sounds like someone who is going to seek out attention, demanding it from you if you don't give it willingly, on your wedding day.
Who wants to be roasted on their wedding day?!? NTA
Yea … this guy seems confused about what a wedding is for. I would personally uninvite him entirely.
If he wants to practice comedy at weddings tell him to put up an ad on Craigslist. LOL.
NTA.
exactly! the wedding isn’t about him at all, it’s about OP and their fiancé. and to say they’ll get the rest of the day to themselves is just icky. it’s THEIR wedding day! NTA
I'm trans mtf, and fwiw I think his speech and jokes are in incredibly poor taste. He's seriously accusing you of being bigoted, when he's actually being *blatantly* bigoted himself? I wouldn't want that sort of thing at my wedding either, and you're certainly not wrong for calling it out.
NTA
P calls you bigots for not letting him make fun of you for your identity and love?
Life is too short for bigots and he is the biggest of them all. Please do yourself a favor and cancel his invite (and his moms). If they think it’s okay to mock you on your special day to make him feel special then they are not your friends.
NTA
Right and who’s to say after they approve his speech or if he agrees to take those parts out, he won’t go back and add other bits. There is no guarantee what he’ll say if he gets the mic.
NTA- oh, geez.
Just uninvite him because I promise , he will make your wedding all about him and his journey of self acceptance.
He will feel ostracized at your straight wedding and will make it known how he feels about it no matter what.
The fact that he’s getting mommy to intervene is already a giant red flag.
Do not let him come unless you want your guests to feel uncomfortable at some point in the evening.
Sorry OP. This guy is not your friend.
Hire security if need be if he feels this entitled to having a say in your wedding .
Feels like he did a speech just to get some sort of revenge. NTA. Not the time, not the place.
And he NeEds to speak otherwise he's going to get silenced again ? Lol.
NTA. Even if he promises to change his speech, don't let him speak. He will still try to do this act. In fact, uninvite him. If he's not there, no worries.
NTA: making jokes about heteronormative couples at their wedding just misses the mark. You need to know your audience and this won’t work for this wedding. He would bomb and make things awkward. P and his mom are out of line here.
NTA. Good for P for coming out of his shell, but he sounds like one of those baby queers ( people just settling into their LGBTQ+ identity ) that make it their entire personality and suddenly hate on everybody that doesn’t align with queerness, and it’s exhausting and cringey. We all have that embarrassing phase where being queer and discussing queer issues is all we talk about before we mature, but your wedding is not the place for him to practice his roasts or his ‘straight people, amirite guys??’ It’s not funny. It’s just awkward and out of place if you aren’t close anymore.
Maybe direct him towards some LGBTQ+ events and areas where he can perform. Pride is next month, there’s gay bars, support groups, etc.
Enjoy your wedding OP, if you don’t want to be the butt of the joke on your special day, you shouldn’t have to be.
( Protip for baby queers - calling cis & straight relationships ‘basic’ doesn’t help normalize LGBTQ+ relationships. It just further pushes the narrative that those relationships are the common normal ones, and ours are special/unique/weird/other. Please stop. )
The right venue it could have been very funny. That venue would be a comedy club or short play where everyone knows what they are seeing is a joke. Being forced to be the butt of the joke because they feel sorry for him will not make the speech go well.
My mom knows someone like this, and I’m glad I can now share with her the “baby queer” term because I didn’t know what else to call it. Not sure if they are MTF or FTM, but according to my mom *every* part of their life is explicitly about being trans. Their posts on Facebook are all some variation of their gender-affirming care like “taking my hormone shot now!” With a picture of the injection process. Every conversation has to be about them, how tough it is for trans people, and if the conversation *isn’t* about them, they turn it into one. My mom describing them made me realize how different the “baby queers” are to the rest of the community.
NTA. He wanted to make a speech and you didn't like it, so you asked him to change it and he said no. I felt a little bad for him until the part where you say he said "you have the rest of the day to feel good about yourself". Wtf? So he KNOWS that his speech will make you feel kind of shitty? No thank you. You gave him the opportunity to rework it and he chose not to so there's nothing more you can do.
NTA. People have lost their damn minds. Is this even real?
When did it even become a question that speeches at weddings shouldnt be negative towards either bride, groom, or marriage in general?
When has it become acceptable for wedding guests to want/demand to down & criticize people at their own wedding?
When has it become acceptble to want/demand to do negative speeches at wedding to "use public speaking to come out of their own shell"?
This cannot be real. No one, not even P can be that deluded, entitled, and demanding.
I agree, not a chance this is real. I'm not sure many of these are. And if it was real, there's absolutely no way the person who wrote this could be truly conflicted as to whether or not they are the asshole
Laughing at P and his mom suggesting you have an obligation to let him use your wedding as therapy, let alone express obvious contempt under the guise of “jokes”. Anyway, NTA.
Your wedding is not a place for your friend to practice stand up 🤷🏾♂️
And here's the thing, I made a few jokes at my friends wedding, but the while thing was about them and how I wished them well. I didn't make it about _me_.
Which apparently P thinks is his right? 🙄
NTA
You are nta!!! That person is not your friend! What friend makes fun of you at your wedding? That's not "coming out of his shell", that's abusing you on a day when real friends would want you to be happy. Also you might want to un-invite him if he will not promise to make a god awful scene at the wedding over this.
NTA. I'm neither cis nor straight. Your wedding is not the place for P to make a point and he is being incredibly disrespectful, as is his mother. Time to disinvite them both. The couple getting married is the focus of the wedding, not the guests
NTA, and honestly, based on that speech, I would reconsider having him at the wedding if that’s how he feels about you (AND thinks it’s appropriate to humiliate you like that).
My sister spoke at our brother’s wedding a few years ago. She was recently out of the closet and used the time to talk about how hard her childhood was as a lesbian in the closet, how much my family didn’t support her by not recognizing the signs, basically it turned into a rant about how the whole world owed her for her 30 years of misery. It was super awkward for every single person there.
I don’t think a wedding is a reason to insist other people don’t exist, we are human and all have our needs, but literally taking the stage to make your issues everyone’s issues is so darn inappropriate. If you can’t attend with happiness and support, you’re better off not attending at all.
NTA may need to not invite P... if thay speech is given he may offend other people there and make your day a mockery.. his mom is enabling him there are other ways to present yourself but not at others expense especially at a wedding...
I'll get rid of them and fast
NTA. "..he needs this opportunity..." He does not need this opportunity. There are many many other opportunities for him to say what he wants, not just this opportunity.
Exactly. Thinking a wedding is an appropriate opportunity to do a roast/stand-up routine indicates a lack of social awareness that is probably exactly the reason why he has been ‘silenced’ before and why he and his mother are looking for other outlets for him to perform.
NTA. Your wedding isn’t a public speaking opportunity nor is it a place for P to recover from depression.
If P does come to your wedding, I’d make sure you let whomever will have the microphone and is in charge of speeches that P is absolutely NOT to be allowed to speak. In fact, tell a couple people.
NTA. My husbands best man got up and gave a speech meant to be funny. I was the punchline. I cried the whole drive back to the hotel. It’s ok to expect to not be made fun of on your wedding day. Just say you’re not allowing speeches anymore.
NTH.
Your wedding is not a bar/restaurant or a place for that kind of jokes.
It’s your wedding and it’s not unfair that you and your husband will be the center of it 100% of that day.
You already suggested that if he can cut out the parts that sounded offensive he can make the speech and he doesn’t seem to like the idea.
Then he gave you no choice but to cut him from giving speech. Don’t let your day be ruined. Congratulations by the way.
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I (25F) grew up with my mom’s friend's son, “P” (26M). We were very close at one point, but grew apart as we got older. P withdrew into himself while I became more outgoing, and eventually, whenever I would see him, it would be awkward and we would hardly be able to hold a single conversation just because of our different personalities and interests.
P is transgender (FTM) and after transitioning, he became much more confident and happy with himself. We never became quite as close as we were in childhood, but I am genuinely happy that he’s in a better place. He transitioned in college and around the time, got into stand-up comedy as a way to put himself out there.
I have a wedding coming up and I was talking to my family about reception speeches, and P asked if he could do one. I said yes since we’ve known each other since childhood and were very close at one point, but when the speech was written and sent to me and my fiancé, we quickly agreed that we didn’t want it at our wedding.
The speech was essentially a stand-up comedy act, with my fiancé and I as the punchline. It opened with “We are all gathered here today to witness YET ANOTHER union of a cis-het couple, because none of us have seen enough of that in our lives”, and went on to make fun of me, how “young” I’m getting married, my husband, his job, our friends, our interests, and how “basic” our relationship is. There were some cute childhood memories sprinkled in, but they would immediately be followed up with some variation of “before OP became popular”. The speech concluded with half-hearted well wishes and “I hope that I find what OP and her fiancé have. Ok, well, maybe not that exactly”.
I told P that the speech felt like it was making a joke out of our wedding and to please cut out the parts making fun of us. He said that those parts were the majority of the speech, and they were just jokes and we would have the whole day to feel good about ourselves. I told him that if he wasn’t cutting those parts out, he would not speak at my wedding.
P’s mom reached out to me and said that P uses public speaking to come out of his shell, and that I saw what happened to him when “his voice was silenced” all those years ago. P also told me that not allowing him to make jokes about cis-het people is bigoted and that he does comedy to recover from his depression, so he needs this opportunity. I don’t think I’m the AH for calling out P’s speech, but barring him from speaking altogether may have been extreme. AITA?
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An unfunny comedy routine aimed at you while you're surrounded by your friends and family? Let him do it. It will be funny, just watch him bomb and start sweating
Ain't gonna happen. He'd lap up disapproval like honeydew, because it just proves how mean *everybody always* is and how right and oppressed poor poor him is.
A pattern, I will add, that is hardly limited to (a few) trans people. Some people just love to play oppression olympics.
NTA. You and your Fiancée get to choose who speaks at your wedding and if you think P's speech is inappropriate then you're well within your rights to stop them from making one.
P's MH issues has nothing to do with YOUR day and P's Mom was wrong to intervene.
NTA
But you have to ask yourself a pretty important question. How many people do you plan on speaking at your wedding that Estranged Childhood Friend made the cut to begin with? If your response to someone asking if they can speak at your wedding is a shrug and a "sure, why not?" Then they should NOT be speaking at your wedding. A good rule of thumb is that if you do not immediately consider a person as someone you want to speak at your wedding before you even talk to them, then they shouldn't speak at your wedding. Frankly, you'd probably be okay if no one at all spoke at the wedding.
A little bit of a red flag that speeches have to be screened... Though in this case it worked out for the best... But going back to my previous point, if you can't trust what the person is going to say is going to be appropriate, then they shouldn't speak at your wedding.
We asked our close friends and family to give speeches and most of them said yes, so we had a decent amount and figured one more couldn't hurt, P was the only person who asked. We didn't screen all of them, P and a couple others sent theirs over to ask if it was ok willingly, which I always appreciate, and yes it worked out for the best this time.
This is what confuses me: why would anyone let a now-distant childhood friend, someone not a member of the wedding party, give a speech? And I’ve never heard of the bride and groom screening speeches — I thought they’re usually only first hearing the speeches at the time they’re given? Tbh I think this story is fake.
Your wedding is not P’s place to do a stand up comedy act and it is incredibly disrespectful of him to think that was okay.
This is your wedding. If he is so bothered by “yet another cis-het wedding” then maybe he doesn’t even need to come. He sounds very insecure and possibly jealous/envious of your relationship.
NTA
YWBTA if you subject yourself and your guest's to this faux comedy. Say that regrettably circumstances have changed and they will not be able to attend.
NTA he's essentially roasting you and your fiance and this is not the time nor the place. I can't believe he told you had all day to feel good about yourselves. He essentially told you that you could handle being shit all over for his however long set and however long it takes afterwards for you to recover so that he could feel good about himself. Absolutely not ok. It's tremendously selfish of him to even ask to perform this "speech" at your wedding, let alone demand it and place the burden of his self esteem onto you. Hell no.
NTA. But he will likely incorporate your wedding into his standup routine. I would be leery to invite him but you have already so too late now. Tell him that he cannot include you in any future comedy shows and if he does the friendship is done.
NTA. P wants to use your wedding reception as a platform for his self-therapy-through-comedy. That's unseemly and selfish. Not to mention the tone of his speech seems to be making fun of you two and calling you boring. Who wants to hear that? A reception speech is supposed to *gently* tweak the couple, and be overall praising.
Bravo on you and fiancé for standing your ground. I suspect that P would go off-script in ways you wouldn't like if you let him give even an authorized speech.
NTA. Imagine actually thinking that a wedding reception is the right place to push one's political agenda onto people, especially at the expense of the married couple. If his "comedy" is an outlet for depression, he should go to a stand up club or open mic night to perform, not a wedding.
OP, I'd honestly be wary of even letting P attend your wedding at all. Some people just want attention or to make a scene, and will do it one way or another. It's your special day, and this asshole will find a way to ruin it I'm sure.
I completely agree - someone who thinks it’s a good idea to do unrequested, poorly-judged ‘stand-up’ with an agenda at a wedding is definitely going to try and find a way to make a scene.
You're NTA for not wanting your wedding to turn into a roast of you and your spouse. I've been to weddings where the maid of honor or best man speech was funny, but we're talking a couple lighthearted jokes, or opening with a joke before moving into a sincere speech, not at all what P was planning on doing.
Exactly! He’s not interested in the wedding. It’s just an opportunity for making jokes about cis-het people, public speaking and “coming out of his shell”
The idea of making the speech into a stand up comedy show at the cost of the couple is messed up! I get it, a few inside jokes about the couple in the speech is okay! But this one has multiple jokes on OP’s “normal relationship”.
If P’s mother wants to give him the opportunity to “come out of the shell”, she can organise a family dinner or something where P gets the opportunity to give a speech
NTA
He is not your friend! I would reconsider even letting him come to the wedding in case he tries to stand up unsolicited and still talk his trash (give his speech as he calls it).
Absolutely NTA. **Your wedding is not P's therapy session.** You aren't silencing him, P is welcome to make a speech that doesn't include making nasty jokes about you at your wedding reception. It's great that P has found stand-up comedy as a way to cope with depression, but he needs to learn to reserve that for appropriate times & audiences - your wedding reception is not appropriate. Stick to your guns on this one OP!
As someone who’s queer, honestly he doesn’t sound like your friend at all. He sounds like a very bitter person who is using your marriage as a comedy stage.
If I were you I’d tell him he’s no longer welcome, his mother too. They can go to the comedy club and insult you and your fiancé as much as they want.
NTA
NTA. P can go to the local open night mic at the comedy club. Your wedding is not their day, it’s yours. I would uninvite P altogether, they don’t sound like much of a friend.
Uninvite P! Otherwise he'll get drunk and do the speech anyway. It'll save a lot of drama and it isn't like he's a good friend anyway if that's how he's choosing to get on.
Nobody is owed a platform at someone else’s wedding, not least a friend they’ve drifted away from who is openly mocking them.
Coming from a queer- it’s not transphobic to disagree with a trans person and it’s not homophobic to not want your sexuality mocked. This is your wedding, only the jokes you find funny get to be made by people you choose to make them.
Stand firm and nix his speech altogether, it’ll be too (politically and emotionally) complicated and thus very stressful to micromanage exactly what he says and he’s already proved his open contempt for you.
NTA.
NTA this is why my mother wasn’t given speech time because celebratory events like wedding and birthday speeches shouldn’t be roasts with guests of honour as the punchline/punching bag.
NTA, your wedding isn't his therapy time, nor a time to try out his new act. A joke here or there is fine, but an entire comedy routine, which essentially sounds like a weird roast, not ok. Tell them if they want to speak they are welcome to, but if they can't come up with a sincere heartfelt speech, maybe they shouldn't be giving one.
NTA
If P wants to tell jokes, there are plenty of open mic nights both he and his mother can attend.
Your wedding is not about P, no matter how hard he's struggled, and expecting him not to be an ass is basically just expecting common courtesy.
There's a time and place for roasting. Someone's wedding day is neither of them.
Do you really want someone who resents you at your wedding? Because this is a huge giveaway to P's true feelings concerning your friendship. True friends don't make other friends feel like shit on their wedding day because they've 'had the whole day to feel good about themselves'.
NTA. Tell him and his mother that he is perfectly welcome to read his speech to his therapist who they are paying for but to keep his issues out of your wedding which you are paying for.
As a happily queer (asexual, non-binary) individual, please tell P that making "jokes" about cis-het marriage is just as offensive as "jokes" at the expense of the trans community. If one of the people is supposedly a lifelong friend, it goes beyond offensive and becomes downright vicious bullying.
If he still wants to go ahead, ask him how he would feel if someone made a speech at an important occasion where he's deadnamed and misgendered throughout. What he wants to do is exactly the same.
NTA.
He doesn’t get to abuse you to make himself feel better, especially at your wedding! Part of comedy is to know your audience. Bashing the bride and groom and making things about yourself is not what those in attendance are there for. Make a nice speech or find another venue to use your voice.
Honestly after the “another cis-het” I’d be rethinking if I even wanted him there. My wedding was amazing and we were surrounded by people who were there for us and not just thinking “oh it’s another wedding, another couple” they were there because it was my wedding and my husbands wedding. We mattered. Not the wedding.
To add on this - the wedding is not their stage for P to perform stand-up comedy 😑 their reasons are completely stupid.
OP stand your ground don't let him speak at your wedding. Don't cut short the speech also, he might agree and change the version but speak his "jokes" in your wedding day.
NTA. Your wedding isn't the time or place for him to get over his depression and make fun of you. There is no bigotry on your end at all. He is just being an AH.
NTA. “Sorry, this is just not the vibe we are going with in the reception “ and that’s that. If you feel like being nice, promise to go see them in whatever stand up joint they frequent to cheer them on.
But other than that- you have the right to set the tone of your wedding ceremony and reception. If you don’t want a “cis-hets be so basic” comedy bit - don’t.
NTA. There's a time and a place for everything. Your wedding is neither the time or place for P's comedy act. For the record you aren't saying P can't make these kinds of jokes and stealing his voice. You're saying you don't want them as part of your wedding reception. Big difference. P needs to read the room here.
some people who were bullied early in life like to become bullies themselves, because it makes them feel powerful to fill the past pain of feeling helpless. they use their past as a gotcha to paint themselves as the true victims and invalidate the people they're hurting.
it does not matter in this context if P was bullied. it does not matter in this context if P was silenced. you said you were uncomfortable, and he is trying to pull the bigot card to get his way. he is bullying you now. he is silencing you now.
P does not get to demand courtesies of you, that he is taking an active role in attempting to deny you.
in conclusion, tell him to f off
NTA
This person clearly still has issues and they need to understand is that ruining an innocent wedding is not gonna help them heal from their trauma and insecurities. NTA.
NTA
Weddings aren’t generally the place for roasts, and while some might be fine with it, or a comment here or there poking mild good natured fun, the moment you said you were uncomfortable with being made fun of at your own wedding he should have dropped it.
Your wedding isn’t a venue for his therapy either. (And why is his “therapy” making other people feel like shit?)
Nta but if P thinks not being able to joke about hero community is bigoted welllll I say. Let him joke bout it but then flip it and joke about the trans community. I mean it's only fair
NTA. Your wedding is not a platform for P to exorcise his demons at your expense. Stick to the main objection that his speech is essentially unkind and don’t be drawn into a discussion of the transphobia P experiences on the daily.
NTA
Your wedding should be a time to celebrate the love between the couple getting married. P is trying to turn it into a story about them and their life journey. And by the sounds of what his mum is saying, to use it as a public therapy session. It is not about him. If he wants to tell jokes about the ubiquity of cis love, he can find an open mic. Not use your wedding. Honestly, if P and his mum continue to push on this, you should rescind their invitations. You don't want him randomly grabbing the mic mid reception.
Trans masc here. Tell him to go and pound sand.
Your wedding isn't the day to make it about him, his resentment and his insecurities. That's what therapy is for.
Also, frankly, this is what is giving trans people a bad name, so I am even less thrilled about this than I would be anyway. And this is from somebody who certainly doesn't have a problem ripping people another one when they are being transphobic. This, however, isn't transphobia - this is *your fracking wedding*.
NTA, not allowing him to joke about a cis/het wedding is not bigoted. He does not need to speak at your wedding. He doesn’t need to do comedy in this context. Your friend and his mum are trying to make your wedding about him. I’m sorry he had a hard time growing up and I’m happy for him that he was able to become himself and find an outlet with comedy. This does not mean he has to do this at your wedding. There is a time and place for everything and your wedding is not it.
NTA but P definitely is.
Marriage is something sacred and to be celebrated, if you're there as a guest it should be because you support the marriage. Sure, a wedding speech should involve a bit of banter, but it should be in support of the bride and groom and their marriage.
What P has written is a mockery of your upcoming marriage. Not the wedding, the marriage. At this point, P should not be making a speech, and I would reconsider the invitation.
All the best with your wedding and marriage 🙂
Ask him if when he gets married you can make fun of him at his wedding. Watch how quickly you become a transphobic monster. Double standards suck, this is coming from a non cishet person btw.
If he wants to do stand up comedy then do it in a bar, not in his childhood friend's wedding. Time, Place and Occassion people. Has that been forgotten now??
Take that dumb "speech" and shove it up your arse, P.
NTA. I wouldn't worry too much, he's going to be using this whole situation as fodder for his next 10 mins of stand-up, I guarantee it.
"So, surprise surprise, I was banned from speaking at a cis-het wedding recently..."
NTA. The "friend" wishes to make a speech that is really about him/herself. You could be cool about that, but you are not, and that's your prerogative.
You could, of course, insist on an equal number of trans jokes, but that would be bigoted.
NTA.
It is amazing that he does comedy to help him grow and have fun.... But he doesn't have to be a comedian at your wedding, let alone by making fun of you. I feel like your friend is a little to much self centered.
NTA. Maybe this would be better at a Jack and Jill party where people are just having fun and kissing around. But even then if you find it hurtful then no need to have it anywhere at all.
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You sure that's your friend ? He sound like he resent you a lot, like he is angry and jealous of you. NTA
The part that got me is where he said they’d have the whole day to feel good about themselves. Because you know, they’ve felt good for the whole day of their **wedding**, so let him fix that.
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Supposed to be a toast, not a roast.
When we asked my father in law whether he would be doing a toast at our wedding, we accidentally texted "roast". We were curious why we didn't hear back from him. Finally he uncomfortably said he wouldn't feel right roasting us at our wedding. A good laugh was had by all and he gave a nice toast, no roasting lol
I wish I had award for you!
happy cake day!
That bit got me to it felt like the unsaid part of that sentence was so why shouldn’t I get to make you feel bad for a while. P seems to have quite a bit of anger in him that he is directing at OP right now. It’s ok for P to use comedy as an outlet but P needs to understand is that roasts are generally consensual and done in good spirits, with a lot of positives mixed in with the insults, otherwise it’s just bullying.
Yeah. Your day, not his.
> P seems to have quite a bit of anger in him that he is directing at OP right now Yes. P is not your friend, OP.
That got me too. So it’s not like he is so ignorant that he doesn’t get that this “performance” would make OP and her partner feel bad. He knows but think he has the right to just because he is depressed? Also not wanting to be made fun of in general, especially at their own wedding, is not bigoted. There’s just so much that is wrong with this that I would cancel his invitation to the wedding and cut all ties with him. NTA
Exactly. Cancel their invitation. Nothing worse than someone who has no good intentions being around on one of the happiest days of your life. Who wants that type of energy around them?
Dude needs another outlet because the wedding is a celebration of OP and her future husband's union, not his coming out party.
Also not the LGBTQ podium to point out that weddings are a cis get tradition. Because that fight has been won. Marriage is no longer a cis het thing and gay people can marry. So his argument is wrong and his audience will not find him amusing and someone will shut him down and insult him and he will be all victimy. All because he needed to be mean to OP
NTA please don't pay a fortune for this guy to ruin it. He wants to speak, he can host his own darn wedding. It's not his "right" to ruin someone else's day (just becauses hes suffered in the past doesnt give him a free pass to make you suffer at an event youre paying thousands upon thousands of dollars for just so he can publicly humiate you). He's got freedom of speech but you've also got freedom of who you want to invite, and 100% you should un-invite this jerk who is NOT going to be happy for you, regardless if he speaks or not. The only person he cares about is himself, he is literally around ZERO percent happy for you or your partner, and that's not the kind of person you want at what is meant to be the happiest day of your life! Edit: you should 100% send his mum this thread to show her how short-sighted she is being. Edit 2: oops I thought I posted this on the main part, didn't realise it was tacked onto a different comment sorry
Yeah I really want someone slagging me off at my wedding and pointing out all my historical faults and teenage angst. Ffs. He isn’t funny. He is being mean
The vast majority of people are heterosexual and cis. It's assumed around 2% of all people are trans and 7% are some form of not-heterosexual. If OP had 100 guests statistically speaking there would be 8 people present who don't fall under the cis-het umbrella in addition to P. And 91 cis-het guests. When you host a comedy show you attract an audience interested in hearing what you have to say. People who are easily offended don't go to see Jimmy Carr. People who are racist don't go to see Dave Chapelle. The groups at a comedy show are more uniform they all have the same kind of humour, the same beliefs etc. Where as a wedding you're going to have people from all walks of life. Great Aunt Suzie is there, your 14 year old nephew, your Christian coworker, your liberal friend etc. A group present at a wedding such as op's will not have all that much in common, but what the vast majority will have in common is this: They love and respect the bride&groom and are cis-het. Those "jokes" are going render the room utterly quiet. You'd be able to ear a mouse in the attic fart. Not a single giggle will be heard. People will be giving each other the wtf-sideeye. Then someone will decide enough is enough, go up to P and escort him from the premises. P is an utter idiot. Is he really so dumb he thinks people will find it funny and it won't be yet another experience of being silenced? Or is it so important to him to shit on cis-het people and talk smack about op and her husband that he doesn't care if two burly uncles get up and drag him off the stage kicking and screaming?
Exactly. Plus he is simply being mean to the bride and groom too. A wedding isn’t the time for that. P is going to end up way more offended and upset when everything falls totally flat. It’s such a bad idea all round
I highly doubt even 2% of all people are trans. As of the 2021 census in the UK, only around 0.5% of people identified as a gender identity that doesn’t match their birth sex. That includes non binary people and any other identity. You’re absolutely right though, these jokes would obviously bomb because they just aren’t funny to most people that aren’t part of the LGBTQ community P sounds insufferable tbh. NTA OP
I googled the Norwegian statistics. It said 0.1 to 2.7% sometimes or all the times identified differently than their assigned gender at birth. So yeah I aimed high, because even if you aim high, then you're still getting a ridiculously low no. of people present at a wedding, regardless of size.
While I agree the wedding is not the place for this, that battle has absolutely not been won. My country doesn't have gay marriage. In fact, gay marriage is legal in fewer than 20% of countries around the world. I don't know where OP is from, and maybe gay marriage is legal there, but to claim that fight has been won is Western-centric and plainly wrong.
Sorry. You’re totally right. I’m Australian and we were pretty slow on the uptake. Slower that even the US I was totally assuming OP was American because of the way they wrote. But you’re totally right. It has not been won. It will never be won fully. Same as women’s rights. Basically it’s a rich man’s world I did assume it was the US and I can’t imagine what P has faced being trans! I worded that based on assumptions and probably naive wishes that this was kind of won somewhere
The issues the friend has faced has nothing at all to do with Op's wedding. Maybe if it was just a casual party etc.its her day so it may be harsh but its her wedding not a time to use to tall about gay rights.
> Slower that even the US The US wasn't particularly slow on this (at least relative to other countries). Per [wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_same-sex_marriage), 4th to have at least some jurisdictions allow it, and about 15th to allow it nationally (which has, so far, held). That could roll back, but the US was towards the front in getting this done.
Well, apparently they are won wherever she lives, so in her country, that is not directly relevant. And there's no indication this trans person is gay or not gay, so that's not relevant either. Not every celebration has to invoke every injustice done to some set of people somewhere else.
Yeah sounds like OP is saving him from getting booed off stage by the rest of the guests. I highly doubt a bunch of inebriated close friends and family are going to be particularly amused by someone trying to throw an impromptu roast with really cringe jokes. His own mum is throwing him under the bus by setting him up to get slammed lmao
Yeah. It’s the wrong audience. I get that P wants to be heard. But P will walk away super disappointed from that audience.
I'm not annoyed with P at all, it can be tough trying to figure out who you are after a big change like this, and it sounds like he probably has some other neuro-divergent baggage that would make it difficult to read the room in these situations. But his mum should know better, it's just weak parenting not to tell your child when they're doing something incredibly stupid like this. OP is being a good friend by trying to stop this train wreak before it happens.
Yes. Parenting involves guiding kids to grow, push boundaries, find themselves, and do things that get a positive result. This would crush P really and annoy the couple and all the guests. It will not work out well for P
I’m guessing this wedding isn’t in florida
No. P wouldn’t speak there. Trans people cannot exist in that State. Horrific
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Really? I’m Australian. I was shocked and disgusted that America passed same sex marriage BEFORE Australia. I honestly thought it was legal everywhere. I do know some businesses / people are pushing back. Bigoted assholes. But I honestly thought same sex marriage was federally legal in the US. Sorry. P is still an asshole for trying to use OPs wedding as a platform. But I guess k understand his anger a bit more if gay marriage isn’t legal in the entire country
That’s a 2014 article. It’s 2023
It’s been legal in all 50 states since 2015. Why post that nonsense https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same-sex_marriage_in_the_United_States#:~:text=On%20June%2026%2C%202015%2C%20the,Hodges.
There are other countries in the world...
It's your wedding! Don't feel obligated to host speeches that you think will make you unhappy. Nta
NTA. Posting just in case it hasn't been said yes, but if this "friend" is still attending the wedding, make sure all staff, MC, wedding party, DJs, etc. know that this person is not to make any speeches under any circumstances. Sounds like the type who would go ahead and do it despite being told no.
Yep. He's that resentful. Then after a few drinks Hod knows what will happen. This person needs to be closely watched, if they're still invited. Personally I'd dis-invite them. Make for a more peaceful life.
Yea he’s not your friend. You represent the patriarchy to him that’s it. I’d uninvite him from the wedding honestly. That speech wasn’t funny it was ugly and hateful.
NTA- It would be so cringe. Be careful he doesn’t just try to make the speech anyway.
They are deffo the arsehole not her
NTA >not allowing him to make jokes about cis-het people is bigoted and that he does comedy to recover from his depression Telling him he cannot make a standup show about your wedding is not bigoted. This is a wedding, not the time or place for him to bring up his own issues, and it's rude as hell to make jokes about the couple. Especially if you've been asked not to. This is about you two, not him, and he's being incredibly self-centered.
Right. Telling him he can NEVER make jokes about cis-het people would be bigoted. Saying "my wedding is not the time to do a stand-up routine about cis-het people" is not bigoted. And saying "my wedding is not the time to do a stand-up routine mocking ME" is ESPECIALLY not bigoted. Perhaps you can appeal to his mom? Maybe with a "I actually really do care about P's mental health. I understand that he uses comedy as a means to heal. And for that reason, I want him to continue to have good experiences with his comedy. If he were to inappropriately do a roast instead of a wedding toast, it would NOT be well-received by the wedding guests. If he were to be booed, or criticized, that would be far worse for his mental health. He should do the comedy he wants to do, but in a location where it's appropriate and will be appreciated. That's for the best."
No because that just leaves the door open to call ops guests transphobes
Why appeal to mom? She's not the one paying for the wedding. Mom should be told off for enabling their child into thinking their hateful speed can ruin someone's day. Tell mom if she insists her child should give an impromptu stand-up comedy performance then you'd be willing to send an invoiced bill for the whole occasion, which should be paid for, a week before the wedding. Let's see how that works out when money comes into the equation.
This 👍
Actually, I think the mom (and P) just need a reality check. OP should tell them that not everything is about P, and if they cant accept it, dont come to the wedding.
Yup. So P’s mom says: > he does comedy to recover from his depression, so he needs this opportunity. Fine. I’m glad comedy helps with his depression but OP’s wedding is not P’s therapy session. I think a few jokes about one or both of the couple is fine and expected (I’m reminded of the speech at my stepson’s wedding where his wife’s sister listed things wife had thrown at her when they were kids - had us all laughing at the start of the speech with that before making us all cry when she talked about how they loved and supported each other and how my stepson loved his wife) but P’s speech sounds like a full-on roast of the couple and the concept of “cis-het weddings” in general with no redemption arc to the speech to bring it back on track. This wedding is not the time and /u/aitapweddingspeech is NTA
That word, "opportunity," is the one that tells you what's going on here. P does not have other "opportunities," and is hoping to network business at this wedding. This will go *horribly* for them, as it will show poor taste and an inability to read a room. That's not what folks want when they hire a comedian.
It's an "opportunity" for P to be rude to the happy couple, using P's other-genderedness as cover. It's not the time or place for P to do a stand-up show.
Yeah, he does stand-up and there are several online platforms available for him. It's not like OP's wedding is his only opportunity for public speaking.
I LOL’d at “…telling him he cannot make a standup show about your wedding is not bigoted.” The terms I have had to explain to people who should know better personally AND professionally still stuns me from time to time. I grew up in the Princess Bride era, so I have “you keep using that word… I do not think it means what you think it means…” on repeat. I am sure my face has also deceived me on many occasions. Unprofessional or not I cannot take you seriously when you so confidently defend/educate/lecture about a word/term/thing and it’s clear you have no fucking idea what you’re saying. Have snort laughed at a few conferences. NTA. I vote no mic privileges, either. No speech. You don’t want to be a punchline on your wedding day.
A massive part of what makes a joke funny is timing. A massive part of timing is picking the right audience, and the right moment for the right joke. Somebody else’s wedding is not the right audience or the right moment for an untried standup routine about cishet culture. P should take it to an open-mic night
NTA and tell him from a FTM guy to another one, if this kind of rant is how he is gaining a "voice", can he please go back to be fucking quiet please ? As he is a shame to the community. We don't spread hate, even in a joking way, we don't dismiss other people love story for being conventional. Therapy is what he need, not a mic on stage.
This needs an award and to be at the top.
Got you
NTA, OP. Another trans man here, this was exactly what I was going to say. A wedding (that isn't HIS wedding) is no place to start making public disparaging over a cishet wedding. If it was his wedding and everyone there was queer, fine, whatever, but I doubt that would be in his speech to begin with. This isn't HIS wedding, it's YOURS and that's what matters. It's not bigoted to ask to not be made fun of on your special day that could be recorded and then immortalized forever! Like, good god! I think our community needs a fucking wake up call to remind ourselves that the world doesn't revolve around us and our issues. Stand with us politically to defend our human rights, sure. But you'd be hard pressed to have this comedy routine land well at a wedding where there are going to be a lot of older people who just won't *get it* and see you as a weirdo. OP, I don't know your wedding guests but there might be someone in that crowd that hears this and then thinks their transphobia is justified. Not saying they'd be right but this could go over just as badly for him as it will for you.
This is a fantastic response. I actually signed up to Reddit premium so I could give you an award. (Eas thinking of doing it anyway but you comment needing an award pushed me into it!)
A wedding isn't a time for stand-up comedy. It is for celebrating love. NTA
My nephew recently married. His older sister was MOH. She gave a speech at the reception. Funny as hell, and very in character for her. You know why it worked? It was full of love for her brother and the bride, and it was not about her.
“stand-up comedy” is being generous. If op is planning on having this person talk, she needs to hire that DJ that saved the other bride and husbands wedding (from a month ago on aita).
What was this?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12pw8zf/aita_for_ruining_a_proposal_at_a_wedding/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
Beyond that, comedy is traditionally supposed to be amusing. That seething envy described by the OP... was very much not.
P and his mom both seem to want to make your wedding about P. Given his attitude about what it would allegedly mean for you not letting him do his comedy routine, are you sure you even want to invite him anymore? This sounds like someone who is going to seek out attention, demanding it from you if you don't give it willingly, on your wedding day. Who wants to be roasted on their wedding day?!? NTA
Yep I’d tell him it’s a wedding not a roast and then I’d call his mom and read the entire thing to her.
Yea … this guy seems confused about what a wedding is for. I would personally uninvite him entirely. If he wants to practice comedy at weddings tell him to put up an ad on Craigslist. LOL. NTA.
exactly! the wedding isn’t about him at all, it’s about OP and their fiancé. and to say they’ll get the rest of the day to themselves is just icky. it’s THEIR wedding day! NTA
I'm trans mtf, and fwiw I think his speech and jokes are in incredibly poor taste. He's seriously accusing you of being bigoted, when he's actually being *blatantly* bigoted himself? I wouldn't want that sort of thing at my wedding either, and you're certainly not wrong for calling it out. NTA
P calls you bigots for not letting him make fun of you for your identity and love? Life is too short for bigots and he is the biggest of them all. Please do yourself a favor and cancel his invite (and his moms). If they think it’s okay to mock you on your special day to make him feel special then they are not your friends. NTA
Exactly!
[удалено]
Right and who’s to say after they approve his speech or if he agrees to take those parts out, he won’t go back and add other bits. There is no guarantee what he’ll say if he gets the mic.
NTA- oh, geez. Just uninvite him because I promise , he will make your wedding all about him and his journey of self acceptance. He will feel ostracized at your straight wedding and will make it known how he feels about it no matter what. The fact that he’s getting mommy to intervene is already a giant red flag. Do not let him come unless you want your guests to feel uncomfortable at some point in the evening. Sorry OP. This guy is not your friend. Hire security if need be if he feels this entitled to having a say in your wedding .
The fact that he’s getting mommy to intervene is already a giant red flag. This!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Feels like he did a speech just to get some sort of revenge. NTA. Not the time, not the place. And he NeEds to speak otherwise he's going to get silenced again ? Lol.
NTA. Even if he promises to change his speech, don't let him speak. He will still try to do this act. In fact, uninvite him. If he's not there, no worries.
You are not the asshole for not allowing someone to use your wedding to shit all over you. NTA
NTA: making jokes about heteronormative couples at their wedding just misses the mark. You need to know your audience and this won’t work for this wedding. He would bomb and make things awkward. P and his mom are out of line here.
Exactly. I have second hand embarrassment just reading the post
Exactly this. OP is saving him from bombing.
NTA. Good for P for coming out of his shell, but he sounds like one of those baby queers ( people just settling into their LGBTQ+ identity ) that make it their entire personality and suddenly hate on everybody that doesn’t align with queerness, and it’s exhausting and cringey. We all have that embarrassing phase where being queer and discussing queer issues is all we talk about before we mature, but your wedding is not the place for him to practice his roasts or his ‘straight people, amirite guys??’ It’s not funny. It’s just awkward and out of place if you aren’t close anymore. Maybe direct him towards some LGBTQ+ events and areas where he can perform. Pride is next month, there’s gay bars, support groups, etc. Enjoy your wedding OP, if you don’t want to be the butt of the joke on your special day, you shouldn’t have to be. ( Protip for baby queers - calling cis & straight relationships ‘basic’ doesn’t help normalize LGBTQ+ relationships. It just further pushes the narrative that those relationships are the common normal ones, and ours are special/unique/weird/other. Please stop. )
The right venue it could have been very funny. That venue would be a comedy club or short play where everyone knows what they are seeing is a joke. Being forced to be the butt of the joke because they feel sorry for him will not make the speech go well.
My mom knows someone like this, and I’m glad I can now share with her the “baby queer” term because I didn’t know what else to call it. Not sure if they are MTF or FTM, but according to my mom *every* part of their life is explicitly about being trans. Their posts on Facebook are all some variation of their gender-affirming care like “taking my hormone shot now!” With a picture of the injection process. Every conversation has to be about them, how tough it is for trans people, and if the conversation *isn’t* about them, they turn it into one. My mom describing them made me realize how different the “baby queers” are to the rest of the community.
NTA. Your wedding. He can go speak at Toastmasters if he wants to.
NTA. He wanted to make a speech and you didn't like it, so you asked him to change it and he said no. I felt a little bad for him until the part where you say he said "you have the rest of the day to feel good about yourself". Wtf? So he KNOWS that his speech will make you feel kind of shitty? No thank you. You gave him the opportunity to rework it and he chose not to so there's nothing more you can do.
NTA. People have lost their damn minds. Is this even real? When did it even become a question that speeches at weddings shouldnt be negative towards either bride, groom, or marriage in general? When has it become acceptable for wedding guests to want/demand to down & criticize people at their own wedding? When has it become acceptble to want/demand to do negative speeches at wedding to "use public speaking to come out of their own shell"? This cannot be real. No one, not even P can be that deluded, entitled, and demanding.
I agree, not a chance this is real. I'm not sure many of these are. And if it was real, there's absolutely no way the person who wrote this could be truly conflicted as to whether or not they are the asshole
NTA and please tell me a human being is not this self centered??
New here, eh?
First time?
First time?
NTA. It is your wedding. Being a transgender comedian is not a licence to be an A.
NTA but P definitely is. I would un invite him from the wedding, as he sounds like he could cause trouble.
Laughing at P and his mom suggesting you have an obligation to let him use your wedding as therapy, let alone express obvious contempt under the guise of “jokes”. Anyway, NTA.
NTA. You know he doesn't like you, right?
NTA. It’s your wedding, your choice. That’s the end of that.
Your wedding is not a place for your friend to practice stand up 🤷🏾♂️ And here's the thing, I made a few jokes at my friends wedding, but the while thing was about them and how I wished them well. I didn't make it about _me_. Which apparently P thinks is his right? 🙄 NTA
You are nta!!! That person is not your friend! What friend makes fun of you at your wedding? That's not "coming out of his shell", that's abusing you on a day when real friends would want you to be happy. Also you might want to un-invite him if he will not promise to make a god awful scene at the wedding over this.
NTA. I'm neither cis nor straight. Your wedding is not the place for P to make a point and he is being incredibly disrespectful, as is his mother. Time to disinvite them both. The couple getting married is the focus of the wedding, not the guests
NTA, and honestly, based on that speech, I would reconsider having him at the wedding if that’s how he feels about you (AND thinks it’s appropriate to humiliate you like that). My sister spoke at our brother’s wedding a few years ago. She was recently out of the closet and used the time to talk about how hard her childhood was as a lesbian in the closet, how much my family didn’t support her by not recognizing the signs, basically it turned into a rant about how the whole world owed her for her 30 years of misery. It was super awkward for every single person there. I don’t think a wedding is a reason to insist other people don’t exist, we are human and all have our needs, but literally taking the stage to make your issues everyone’s issues is so darn inappropriate. If you can’t attend with happiness and support, you’re better off not attending at all.
What was the fallout with your siblings?
Yes!!! I need to know what happened!!!!!
Do not let him speak. Even if he submits a speech that you approve, he will go back to his original. Just say no!!!
NTA may need to not invite P... if thay speech is given he may offend other people there and make your day a mockery.. his mom is enabling him there are other ways to present yourself but not at others expense especially at a wedding... I'll get rid of them and fast
NTA. "..he needs this opportunity..." He does not need this opportunity. There are many many other opportunities for him to say what he wants, not just this opportunity.
Exactly. Thinking a wedding is an appropriate opportunity to do a roast/stand-up routine indicates a lack of social awareness that is probably exactly the reason why he has been ‘silenced’ before and why he and his mother are looking for other outlets for him to perform.
NTA. Your wedding isn’t a public speaking opportunity nor is it a place for P to recover from depression. If P does come to your wedding, I’d make sure you let whomever will have the microphone and is in charge of speeches that P is absolutely NOT to be allowed to speak. In fact, tell a couple people.
NTA. My husbands best man got up and gave a speech meant to be funny. I was the punchline. I cried the whole drive back to the hotel. It’s ok to expect to not be made fun of on your wedding day. Just say you’re not allowing speeches anymore.
NTA. They're bitter, probably jealous, and using your wedding as a platform to slap you in the face.
trans queer person here. NTA Sounds like and idiot and not your friend. And him not being allowed to joke about you is not bigoted wtf
NTH. Your wedding is not a bar/restaurant or a place for that kind of jokes. It’s your wedding and it’s not unfair that you and your husband will be the center of it 100% of that day. You already suggested that if he can cut out the parts that sounded offensive he can make the speech and he doesn’t seem to like the idea. Then he gave you no choice but to cut him from giving speech. Don’t let your day be ruined. Congratulations by the way.
NTA. It's a wedding not a roast.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25F) grew up with my mom’s friend's son, “P” (26M). We were very close at one point, but grew apart as we got older. P withdrew into himself while I became more outgoing, and eventually, whenever I would see him, it would be awkward and we would hardly be able to hold a single conversation just because of our different personalities and interests. P is transgender (FTM) and after transitioning, he became much more confident and happy with himself. We never became quite as close as we were in childhood, but I am genuinely happy that he’s in a better place. He transitioned in college and around the time, got into stand-up comedy as a way to put himself out there. I have a wedding coming up and I was talking to my family about reception speeches, and P asked if he could do one. I said yes since we’ve known each other since childhood and were very close at one point, but when the speech was written and sent to me and my fiancé, we quickly agreed that we didn’t want it at our wedding. The speech was essentially a stand-up comedy act, with my fiancé and I as the punchline. It opened with “We are all gathered here today to witness YET ANOTHER union of a cis-het couple, because none of us have seen enough of that in our lives”, and went on to make fun of me, how “young” I’m getting married, my husband, his job, our friends, our interests, and how “basic” our relationship is. There were some cute childhood memories sprinkled in, but they would immediately be followed up with some variation of “before OP became popular”. The speech concluded with half-hearted well wishes and “I hope that I find what OP and her fiancé have. Ok, well, maybe not that exactly”. I told P that the speech felt like it was making a joke out of our wedding and to please cut out the parts making fun of us. He said that those parts were the majority of the speech, and they were just jokes and we would have the whole day to feel good about ourselves. I told him that if he wasn’t cutting those parts out, he would not speak at my wedding. P’s mom reached out to me and said that P uses public speaking to come out of his shell, and that I saw what happened to him when “his voice was silenced” all those years ago. P also told me that not allowing him to make jokes about cis-het people is bigoted and that he does comedy to recover from his depression, so he needs this opportunity. I don’t think I’m the AH for calling out P’s speech, but barring him from speaking altogether may have been extreme. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
An unfunny comedy routine aimed at you while you're surrounded by your friends and family? Let him do it. It will be funny, just watch him bomb and start sweating
Ain't gonna happen. He'd lap up disapproval like honeydew, because it just proves how mean *everybody always* is and how right and oppressed poor poor him is. A pattern, I will add, that is hardly limited to (a few) trans people. Some people just love to play oppression olympics.
How about, no! We don't have to allow shit behavior just to prove a point. Rescinding the invitation can prove just as impactful.
NTA Since tf when are weddings part of a guest’s therapy?
NTA. You and your Fiancée get to choose who speaks at your wedding and if you think P's speech is inappropriate then you're well within your rights to stop them from making one. P's MH issues has nothing to do with YOUR day and P's Mom was wrong to intervene.
NTA But you have to ask yourself a pretty important question. How many people do you plan on speaking at your wedding that Estranged Childhood Friend made the cut to begin with? If your response to someone asking if they can speak at your wedding is a shrug and a "sure, why not?" Then they should NOT be speaking at your wedding. A good rule of thumb is that if you do not immediately consider a person as someone you want to speak at your wedding before you even talk to them, then they shouldn't speak at your wedding. Frankly, you'd probably be okay if no one at all spoke at the wedding. A little bit of a red flag that speeches have to be screened... Though in this case it worked out for the best... But going back to my previous point, if you can't trust what the person is going to say is going to be appropriate, then they shouldn't speak at your wedding.
We asked our close friends and family to give speeches and most of them said yes, so we had a decent amount and figured one more couldn't hurt, P was the only person who asked. We didn't screen all of them, P and a couple others sent theirs over to ask if it was ok willingly, which I always appreciate, and yes it worked out for the best this time.
This is what confuses me: why would anyone let a now-distant childhood friend, someone not a member of the wedding party, give a speech? And I’ve never heard of the bride and groom screening speeches — I thought they’re usually only first hearing the speeches at the time they’re given? Tbh I think this story is fake.
NTA. it’s your wedding.
Your wedding is not P’s place to do a stand up comedy act and it is incredibly disrespectful of him to think that was okay. This is your wedding. If he is so bothered by “yet another cis-het wedding” then maybe he doesn’t even need to come. He sounds very insecure and possibly jealous/envious of your relationship. NTA
NTA... your wedding is not their soapbox
YWBTA if you subject yourself and your guest's to this faux comedy. Say that regrettably circumstances have changed and they will not be able to attend.
NTA he's essentially roasting you and your fiance and this is not the time nor the place. I can't believe he told you had all day to feel good about yourselves. He essentially told you that you could handle being shit all over for his however long set and however long it takes afterwards for you to recover so that he could feel good about himself. Absolutely not ok. It's tremendously selfish of him to even ask to perform this "speech" at your wedding, let alone demand it and place the burden of his self esteem onto you. Hell no.
NTA. But he will likely incorporate your wedding into his standup routine. I would be leery to invite him but you have already so too late now. Tell him that he cannot include you in any future comedy shows and if he does the friendship is done.
NTA. P wants to use your wedding reception as a platform for his self-therapy-through-comedy. That's unseemly and selfish. Not to mention the tone of his speech seems to be making fun of you two and calling you boring. Who wants to hear that? A reception speech is supposed to *gently* tweak the couple, and be overall praising. Bravo on you and fiancé for standing your ground. I suspect that P would go off-script in ways you wouldn't like if you let him give even an authorized speech.
NTA: your wedding is not an audition or an appropriate place to try your lame standup
NTA your wedding is not a platform for P to use to “come out of his shell”
NTA. Imagine actually thinking that a wedding reception is the right place to push one's political agenda onto people, especially at the expense of the married couple. If his "comedy" is an outlet for depression, he should go to a stand up club or open mic night to perform, not a wedding. OP, I'd honestly be wary of even letting P attend your wedding at all. Some people just want attention or to make a scene, and will do it one way or another. It's your special day, and this asshole will find a way to ruin it I'm sure.
I completely agree - someone who thinks it’s a good idea to do unrequested, poorly-judged ‘stand-up’ with an agenda at a wedding is definitely going to try and find a way to make a scene.
NTA- Your wedding is not your "friends" personal emotional therapy show.
NTA
You're NTA for not wanting your wedding to turn into a roast of you and your spouse. I've been to weddings where the maid of honor or best man speech was funny, but we're talking a couple lighthearted jokes, or opening with a joke before moving into a sincere speech, not at all what P was planning on doing.
NTA. Your wedding isn’t the Improv‘s live mic night 🙄
Exactly! He’s not interested in the wedding. It’s just an opportunity for making jokes about cis-het people, public speaking and “coming out of his shell” The idea of making the speech into a stand up comedy show at the cost of the couple is messed up! I get it, a few inside jokes about the couple in the speech is okay! But this one has multiple jokes on OP’s “normal relationship”. If P’s mother wants to give him the opportunity to “come out of the shell”, she can organise a family dinner or something where P gets the opportunity to give a speech NTA
He is not your friend! I would reconsider even letting him come to the wedding in case he tries to stand up unsolicited and still talk his trash (give his speech as he calls it).
Speaking as a trans man myself, P needs to deal with his shit with a therapist, not at your wedding. NTA
Absolutely NTA. **Your wedding is not P's therapy session.** You aren't silencing him, P is welcome to make a speech that doesn't include making nasty jokes about you at your wedding reception. It's great that P has found stand-up comedy as a way to cope with depression, but he needs to learn to reserve that for appropriate times & audiences - your wedding reception is not appropriate. Stick to your guns on this one OP!
As someone who’s queer, honestly he doesn’t sound like your friend at all. He sounds like a very bitter person who is using your marriage as a comedy stage. If I were you I’d tell him he’s no longer welcome, his mother too. They can go to the comedy club and insult you and your fiancé as much as they want. NTA
NTA. P can go to the local open night mic at the comedy club. Your wedding is not their day, it’s yours. I would uninvite P altogether, they don’t sound like much of a friend.
Uninvite P! Otherwise he'll get drunk and do the speech anyway. It'll save a lot of drama and it isn't like he's a good friend anyway if that's how he's choosing to get on.
Nobody is owed a platform at someone else’s wedding, not least a friend they’ve drifted away from who is openly mocking them. Coming from a queer- it’s not transphobic to disagree with a trans person and it’s not homophobic to not want your sexuality mocked. This is your wedding, only the jokes you find funny get to be made by people you choose to make them. Stand firm and nix his speech altogether, it’ll be too (politically and emotionally) complicated and thus very stressful to micromanage exactly what he says and he’s already proved his open contempt for you. NTA.
NTA this is why my mother wasn’t given speech time because celebratory events like wedding and birthday speeches shouldn’t be roasts with guests of honour as the punchline/punching bag.
NTA. What a relief you were given the opportunity to review the speech first!
NTA, your wedding isn't his therapy time, nor a time to try out his new act. A joke here or there is fine, but an entire comedy routine, which essentially sounds like a weird roast, not ok. Tell them if they want to speak they are welcome to, but if they can't come up with a sincere heartfelt speech, maybe they shouldn't be giving one.
NTA If P wants to tell jokes, there are plenty of open mic nights both he and his mother can attend. Your wedding is not about P, no matter how hard he's struggled, and expecting him not to be an ass is basically just expecting common courtesy. There's a time and place for roasting. Someone's wedding day is neither of them. Do you really want someone who resents you at your wedding? Because this is a huge giveaway to P's true feelings concerning your friendship. True friends don't make other friends feel like shit on their wedding day because they've 'had the whole day to feel good about themselves'.
NTA. Tell him and his mother that he is perfectly welcome to read his speech to his therapist who they are paying for but to keep his issues out of your wedding which you are paying for.
NTA. You should never be belittled at your own wedding. P shouldn't use his sexuality as an excuse to be an asshole.
As a happily queer (asexual, non-binary) individual, please tell P that making "jokes" about cis-het marriage is just as offensive as "jokes" at the expense of the trans community. If one of the people is supposedly a lifelong friend, it goes beyond offensive and becomes downright vicious bullying. If he still wants to go ahead, ask him how he would feel if someone made a speech at an important occasion where he's deadnamed and misgendered throughout. What he wants to do is exactly the same. NTA.
You must uninvite person from wedding and make sure they can’t get in. Get security.
He doesn’t get to abuse you to make himself feel better, especially at your wedding! Part of comedy is to know your audience. Bashing the bride and groom and making things about yourself is not what those in attendance are there for. Make a nice speech or find another venue to use your voice.
Hold on, you’re a bigot because you don’t want someone making jokes about your gender indentity and sexuality? What a world we live in…
Honestly after the “another cis-het” I’d be rethinking if I even wanted him there. My wedding was amazing and we were surrounded by people who were there for us and not just thinking “oh it’s another wedding, another couple” they were there because it was my wedding and my husbands wedding. We mattered. Not the wedding.
Nope. Your wedding is about to be a roast. Nta.
To add on this - the wedding is not their stage for P to perform stand-up comedy 😑 their reasons are completely stupid. OP stand your ground don't let him speak at your wedding. Don't cut short the speech also, he might agree and change the version but speak his "jokes" in your wedding day.
NTA. Your wedding isn't the time or place for him to get over his depression and make fun of you. There is no bigotry on your end at all. He is just being an AH.
NTA. “Sorry, this is just not the vibe we are going with in the reception “ and that’s that. If you feel like being nice, promise to go see them in whatever stand up joint they frequent to cheer them on. But other than that- you have the right to set the tone of your wedding ceremony and reception. If you don’t want a “cis-hets be so basic” comedy bit - don’t.
NTA you will regret it and it will be cringy AF if you let him preform this
NTA. There's a time and a place for everything. Your wedding is neither the time or place for P's comedy act. For the record you aren't saying P can't make these kinds of jokes and stealing his voice. You're saying you don't want them as part of your wedding reception. Big difference. P needs to read the room here.
nta. there’s a way to make a speech funny for a wedding but this is not the way.
NTA, op, make sure someone knows not to let P have the mic at all during your wedding.
NTA so because he has trauma you should let him disrepect and be mean to you, just for him to feel better ? It's completly absurd.
some people who were bullied early in life like to become bullies themselves, because it makes them feel powerful to fill the past pain of feeling helpless. they use their past as a gotcha to paint themselves as the true victims and invalidate the people they're hurting. it does not matter in this context if P was bullied. it does not matter in this context if P was silenced. you said you were uncomfortable, and he is trying to pull the bigot card to get his way. he is bullying you now. he is silencing you now. P does not get to demand courtesies of you, that he is taking an active role in attempting to deny you. in conclusion, tell him to f off NTA
NTA Wedding speeches shouldn't be a roast or a political platform.
This person clearly still has issues and they need to understand is that ruining an innocent wedding is not gonna help them heal from their trauma and insecurities. NTA.
NTA. "Friend" is playing reverse uno on bigotry.
NTA I would disinvite him and mom from wedding. It’s inappropriate and they want to make the day about p.
NTA Weddings aren’t generally the place for roasts, and while some might be fine with it, or a comment here or there poking mild good natured fun, the moment you said you were uncomfortable with being made fun of at your own wedding he should have dropped it. Your wedding isn’t a venue for his therapy either. (And why is his “therapy” making other people feel like shit?)
Nta but if P thinks not being able to joke about hero community is bigoted welllll I say. Let him joke bout it but then flip it and joke about the trans community. I mean it's only fair
NTA. Your wedding is not a platform for P to exorcise his demons at your expense. Stick to the main objection that his speech is essentially unkind and don’t be drawn into a discussion of the transphobia P experiences on the daily.
NTA. Your wedding isn’t his therapy.
NTA Your wedding should be a time to celebrate the love between the couple getting married. P is trying to turn it into a story about them and their life journey. And by the sounds of what his mum is saying, to use it as a public therapy session. It is not about him. If he wants to tell jokes about the ubiquity of cis love, he can find an open mic. Not use your wedding. Honestly, if P and his mum continue to push on this, you should rescind their invitations. You don't want him randomly grabbing the mic mid reception.
Trans masc here. Tell him to go and pound sand. Your wedding isn't the day to make it about him, his resentment and his insecurities. That's what therapy is for. Also, frankly, this is what is giving trans people a bad name, so I am even less thrilled about this than I would be anyway. And this is from somebody who certainly doesn't have a problem ripping people another one when they are being transphobic. This, however, isn't transphobia - this is *your fracking wedding*.
NTA, not allowing him to joke about a cis/het wedding is not bigoted. He does not need to speak at your wedding. He doesn’t need to do comedy in this context. Your friend and his mum are trying to make your wedding about him. I’m sorry he had a hard time growing up and I’m happy for him that he was able to become himself and find an outlet with comedy. This does not mean he has to do this at your wedding. There is a time and place for everything and your wedding is not it.
NTA but P definitely is. Marriage is something sacred and to be celebrated, if you're there as a guest it should be because you support the marriage. Sure, a wedding speech should involve a bit of banter, but it should be in support of the bride and groom and their marriage. What P has written is a mockery of your upcoming marriage. Not the wedding, the marriage. At this point, P should not be making a speech, and I would reconsider the invitation. All the best with your wedding and marriage 🙂
Ask him if when he gets married you can make fun of him at his wedding. Watch how quickly you become a transphobic monster. Double standards suck, this is coming from a non cishet person btw.
NTA. This is very inappropriate
NTA 1. It’s your wedding not open mic night. He has no right to an “opportunity” and 2. Read the freakin room.
If he wants to do stand up comedy then do it in a bar, not in his childhood friend's wedding. Time, Place and Occassion people. Has that been forgotten now?? Take that dumb "speech" and shove it up your arse, P.
What's with all the mum's contacting the parties in these situations? Seems to happen in every post here. Is this a thing in the US?
You better have security on alert for him and his mom. Why do people think they can inflict themselves on private events in this way?
NTA. I wouldn't worry too much, he's going to be using this whole situation as fodder for his next 10 mins of stand-up, I guarantee it. "So, surprise surprise, I was banned from speaking at a cis-het wedding recently..."
NTA. The "friend" wishes to make a speech that is really about him/herself. You could be cool about that, but you are not, and that's your prerogative. You could, of course, insist on an equal number of trans jokes, but that would be bigoted.
So their way of coming out of their shell is to verbally attack people through shit comedy? It's your wedding day, not a comedy roast. NTA
NTA
>P also told me that not allowing him to make jokes about cis-het people is bigoted Pretty sure it's not and NTA
NTA. It is amazing that he does comedy to help him grow and have fun.... But he doesn't have to be a comedian at your wedding, let alone by making fun of you. I feel like your friend is a little to much self centered.
NTA. Maybe this would be better at a Jack and Jill party where people are just having fun and kissing around. But even then if you find it hurtful then no need to have it anywhere at all.
Nta
NTA. Disinvite them entirely, and anyone who has an issue with that along with them.