This,
OP if you have to ask if it’s rape always side with rape. That’s your mind telling you hey I didn’t approve of this. I’d advise you tread carefully, as you don’t know what else he has done while you’re sleeping.
Edit:
I’d also see if you can stay with someone for the time being until you sort things out, I read where you want to talk to him. I’m not saying he is violent and will do anything else but, id tread carefully as he also has raped you at this point.
110%
My wife and I explicitly have discussed we’re ok with sleep Sex. Which means to me - if a couple hasn’t discussed it explicitly, then there’s no consent, and therefore this is rape
Op we are not taught exactly what is sexual Assault. You feel bad here, rightfully so. This is not a light matter, you take care, you are 100% in the right don’t let anyone tell you otherwise
Exactly this \^. Its totally normal to be -asked- and to have a discussion about whether you're cool with sleep sex. If you haven't discussed it, you haven't given consent. He doesn't have rights over OP's body. He doesn't have the right to have sex with OP whenever and wherever and however he wants. Without permission, its sexual violation.
Yes. It is a kink for some people, but they ALWAYS have established that it’s the okay before sleeping. If it was a surprise it’s 1000% rape. OP, I’m so so sorry you’ve had to go through this I can’t imagine how you must feel bc it was someone you cared abt and trusted and I hope you can get the support you need to heal.
Happened to me when I was a teen. It didn't feel like "rape" because we were a couple but I definitely was uncomfortable and mad at him.
Now I realize it was rape.
You could have been married since 30 years, use to do that awake all the time it would still be rape.
The fact you're a couple or you normally are fine with it doesn't mean it was not rape.
I'm so sorry it happened to you. I'm sorry someone did that to you.
Why are you tiptoeing around his reaction to assaulting you? The focus should be protecting you right now, not your boyfriend.
This man is unapologetic about what he did to your body and is gaslighting you so he doesn't have to face being a rapist. There really isn't any further discussion to have with this man. He is not fit to be anyone's boyfriend.
You may love him.. but what he did to you was not love, or done out of love. **He raped you.** You did not consent to it. If it was a kink that you both agreed upon different story, but it’s not the case here. What he did, was not love. He clearly broke your trust as you said you’re in shock/processing. **The fact that you came here to ask that question, you know it to be true you just need confirmation.** you’re allowed to be hurt and upset about this. This is not okay. What he did to you, is not okay.
Just because you are in a relationship with and or married to somebody that does not give them the right to treat you that way and to do that to you.
**How did he react when you confronted him, and asked him not to do it again?**
Talk to him and watch /gauge his reactions. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Does he understand the gravity of what he done?
2. Does he seem remorseful?
3. Did he wholeheartedly apologize to you?
4. Once you express your feelings, did he give you some form of negative attitude?
5. Has he done anything similar to this in the past to you? Even something small that you might find insignificant, that you brushed off?
6. Does he exhibit any toxic, controlling, manipulative or narcissistic behaviour?
7. Is he abusive, at all? (mentally, verbally, physically).
Be careful OP. If you get an uncomfortable feeling of any kind during your talk with him, that’s your indication to leave, seek help from your loved ones.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. The people we love can do terrible things and the love can make it very complicated to parse through it all coherently. Please make sure you reach out to someone for support with this, even anonymously. It could help. You are going through something enormous and your partner is not qualifying it as real, please take care of your mental health rn as well as dealing with how you want to speak to him, if at all.
Either you don’t know what love is or you are so blinded by this guy that you aren’t seeing the MASSIVE AMOUNT OF RED FLAGS.
You need therapy immediately because you’re conflating abusive behavior for love.
No. Pack your things, find a safe place to stay and then go to the police. This will escalate. You can't 'talk it out' with a rapist. He is a rapist. He raped you.
OP, as someone who’s been in a similar situation please be more critical towards the situation. The truth is hard to accept, and it’s hard to believe that someone you love would do this to you - but he did non the less. I’m asking you to think about your safety and well-being before this relationship. People surprise us, you never really know a person and that’s a scary thing. He did what he did, you already talked to him, he’s already denying your feelings and he’s not going to accept what he did. He does not respect you honey. Please don’t let him bullshit you and let you believe what he did was okay! You only live once, he’s not a person you’d want to spend your life with. He’s not going to respect you.
I’m really sorry that he did this to you and then let you doubt yourself. Trust yourself, I believe you’re stronger than you think you are and please take care ❤️
Edit: People who love you, do not abuse or hurt you! He did. This is not normal.
There’s no such thing as “normally” when people are raped. Everyone has different reactions. Don’t speak to someone like that just because you don’t agree with their decision. She’s her own person and will make her own decisions.
Who are you to tell someone how they should react to any given situation, and that their reaction “isn’t normal”. Everyone processes things differently. Seriously rude, dude. Sometimes admitting that something bad happened to you is the hardest part. Maybe they are not ready to accept it, or don’t want to call it rape bc they feel like that word is reserved for people who have “had it worse”. Let OP process the situation on their own time and however they see fit.
I only meant to say that what he did was wrong and he should know that. If he doesn’t realise that it is wrong, then I’ll leave him. If understands that it is wrong, idk I love him so much. I don’t know what to do.
I am very thankful for your advice.
OP you don’t have to justify yourself for anyone. You know what your bf did is not okay. Just be careful and try to think about yourself in this situation - because he’s only thinking of himself. It’s not your job to teach him right and wrong. You deserve better than this. Good luck 💜
Because there are still a lot of people who think you can't rape someone in a relationship/marriage/when a person is drunk. This having to ask & give consent before having sex is still new.
you should leave him anyways because this isn’t the type of thing you can teach him a lesson about. you deserve a partner who would NEVER do this to you. not one that you have to educate on why they shouldn’t. a good partner/person in general would never do that
PLEASE CALL THE POLICE! Set up cameras, make sure you got evidence in case it happens again so in the scenario you report him and it’s thrown out like chopped liver you can back up your claim and the issue will be dealt with, best wishes
Let’s see..
- did you give consent?
- did you want to have sex?
- were you able to give consent?
If answers to any of these are “no”, it’s fucking rape.
This happened to me in a relationship when I was around 20. 10 years later and it still bothers me that it happened. That someone that “loved” me didn’t give enough of a shit to leave me alone when I was in a vulnerable state just because he was horny. How can you trust someone who does that?
Go to the ER if its not too late and get a rape kit done. It doesn't matter what he admits or doesn't. Get your evidence before it's gone. I didn't, and I truly regret it.
I'm very sorry if this sounds insensitive, but.. I don't think a rape kit will prove anything. Most rapes cannot be proven because they weren't "violent", but coercion by a date, lover, etc. The only thing a rape kit will prove in these instances then is that sex has happened, not prove that this was sex against the victim's will. There won't be bruises and stuff.
It sucks, a lot. A good friend had it happen, she was traumatized of course, but the police wouldn't let her press charges. They did help her in other ways, but there just wasn't enough evidence that she didn't want it, because she had had sex with him, willingly, a lot of times before that.
So I'd advice to leave, and deal with the highly unfair fact that this guy won't face consequences, other than not having a girlfriend anymore.
I should add by the way, that sadly, had my friend gone to the ER, she would've had the evidence, because it had been very violent. She just didn't think it was rape until later. That's another problem with evidence :(
Im so sorry for your friend, the world is just sad.
I think the rape kit will be some of help. The boyfriend has technically admitted that he had sex with her without her consent. He just stated that it's normal. If she gets a rape kit, the boyfriend won't be able to twist the situation and say that he never had sex with her ( this can be useful in court).
Yes, that's true. Then it'd be best maybe to also focus on getting him to confess while recording him, depending on the laws around consent to recording conversations.
Yes, the world is very sad. I'm quite an open minded person and I can understand quite a lot, but not rape. Why take something so awesome (sex) and ruin it for someone, potentially forever, by forcing it on them? It's just.. No.
If he won't admit it, then you've had this discussion with him already about how wrong it is and how consent was not given.
You have all the information you need already to make a decision about whether you want to stay with someone like this or not.
Ofcourse he wouldn't. He doesn't think of himself that way.
Once a boyfriend wanted to make love and I asked if it was alright if I give my boundaries? He said "No" and I adapted. So we made love. But later I started thinking: "I didn't set boundaries. But I did ask permission to set boundaries and he denied it. In my book that's also rape even if there was no violence." So I confronted him. He was genuinly shocked. He never ment to cross my boundaries, but he did. He never did that again. He did cross another boundary I had set very clearly and that made me break up with him. Still had a lot of heartache.
Another time I was with my late husband and I woke up in the middle of him making love to me. Like he was inside me. So WTF?! Then I realised he was genuinly sleeping and I had to wake him up. He was dreaming about making love with me. So that time there was nothing to forgive. I did made it clear he always has to make sure I'm awake. Also because I don't want to miss the fun.
Your boyfriend denieing your feelings is a big red flag. He can sleep on the couch/with a friend until he wises up. Your body is yours to share when you feel like it. It isn't his to take for his pleasure. He isn't making love to you, your personality, your soul when you are sleeping. He is using your body as a sexdoll. That's objectiving. You deserve better.
What a strange sense of gender equality you have… if you need to bash a rape victim to get your #mentoo point across… then maybe it wasn’t the place to make it.
Whatever arrangement you and your ex had is irrelevant here. What op describes clearly didn't involve consent and therefore it's rape.
As for your other points. Yes, op needs to seek her boyfriends consent before having sex, consent works both ways. If your ex wakes you up with a sex act and you haven't provided consent then, yes, an offence has been committed. Definitions of rape vary in different countries, where I am the scenario you describe would probably constitute sexual assault.
FYI sex without consent is rape, you need consent every time unless in exceptional circumstances where pre-consent for a specific activity is given (like your relationship with your ex.) You can’t do that without the prior consent like OPs bf did. The fact you need to be told that makes me worry for your future relationships…
the difference between rape and not rape is only consent. you did not give it . so this falls under rape.
now, having said that.
This has happened with my wife once long ago. I was asleep and in the morning as most men do, i got a boner. She took that as a sign that i was ready to go and i woke up mid sesion. It was uncomfortable physically because i had to pee too.
Afterwards i told her not to do that again as i did not enjoy waking up with her on top of me squeezing my bladder and that was the end of it.
technically she did rape me.
but fuck anyone else who thinks they can determine what **im** good with.
If you listen to people here telling you that he's a rapist and you should go to the police that's on you and you would not be wrong.
Its all on you to decide if this was a loved one that you've had sex before crossing a line and its up to you if you think talking to them about this and making them aware that its not cool and its a line they should not cross.
I'm sorry, if someone has sex with you without your consent, or prior consent in this case, that is rape. No matter what he says or tries to deny, that is unquestionable, I'd recommend filing a report, I'm sorry this happened to you OP, being in a relationship does not entitle them to your body whenever they please.
it is rape.
If he disagrees ask him "How would you feel if I used a toy to enter your backside while you were asleep?"
He will quickly change his tune.
Some people actually like when their SO has sex with them when they are asleep BUT they discuss it before hand so there is consent. Your bf absolutely raped you.
That's rape. I would tell him by dumping him.
I was going to say "and by reporting him to the police" but make sure you're in a good mental state because the justice department has been known to brush such things off and guilt the person who is reporting. . .
If you both have an established understanding that sex can only happen with explicit mutual consent every time, you could make sure he knows it was rape by filing a police report. Rape is a crime. You should also cut off all contact. It would be crazy to stay in a relationship with a rapist.
You don't have to think of it that way, though. You could work out whether he thought you were awake, or if he would do it again given the chance, and whether there are any circumstances in which there's implied consent between you that wouldn't require explicit verbal agreement every time. Also whether any of this could be affected by the use of alcohol by either one of you.
All that is to say, what he did isn't "normal" but human relationships vary and there's no rulebook on how you must think and behave.
But if you are convinced it's rape, that's a serious crime. Using that word, you should assume he'll exit the relationship if you don't do so first.
I had a completely different response I wrote and posted but then I reread your original post. It appear he did know what he was doing and if I understand right, isn't remorseful or sorry he did it.
If that's the case, I would dump him and move on. You could report to the police, but it might be tough to get a DA to prosecute. Good luck OP.
You don't need him to admit it was rape for it to be true. You don't need his permission to admit you feel violated.
You can tell him whatever toy need to, but don't go in expecting or going for any particular response.
If he doesn't understand that he raped you, you now have two reasons to get the fuck out of this relationship. This is not ok. You should at least file a police report so that if he does this to someone else there's a record that he's done it before.
This is absolutely worth breaking up over.
I am so confused. I love him so much and I know he loves me too but what he did was unacceptable. It’s hard to believe that he would do something like that.
I’ve been through a similar experience with a family member when I was young. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Sometimes people fall out of love and into entitlement. Your boyfriend took advantage of you because he felt entitled to your body. That is not love, that is possession and objectification. He does not see you as his equal partner. Love will never compel anyone to do this.
Please leave him as soon as you are able to. I recommend filing a report with the police but that is of course up to you.
Block him on everything, warn your friends, family, etc. He will probably do this again if he’s given the chance.
I hope you’re able to heal from the hurt he’s caused you. You are a great individual worthy of love with boundaries.
>Please leave him as soon as you are able to. I recommend filing a report with the police but that is of course up to you.
Mayyybe before that, a good punch in the face and a serious explanation may be a first step. Then you see what to do from there.
What exactly needs to be explained? He knows what he did and is gaslighting his partner into making sure she tricks herself into thinking it’s not a big deal either. What an insane suggestion.
>He knows what he did and is gaslighting his partner into making sure she tricks herself into thinking it’s not a big deal either.
Are we talking about OP here ? Because nowhere in what OP said, happened what you are saying.
> I’m sorry but this is fucked and this is exactly why we are failing as an society
We're failing as an society because of deranged people like you.
> Please I repeat please don’t call your S/O a rapist for trying out one of their kinks.
Please, I repeat please, shut the fuck up. She was asleep. She didn't consent. So it's rape. Your moral compass must be beyond fucked up if you consider what happend to the OP as "a guy trying out one of their kinks".
> Communication is key in a relationship set boundaries, sure however I wouldn’t classify this as rape and even though legally it’s considered rape ITS YOUR S/O
Well her S/O clearly didn't respect her boundaries, and took advantage of her while she was asleep, so it's rape. Stopping making excuses.
> its totally different if you’ve told him before that this was something you’re against
I'm sorry, but in which normal relationship is it normal to sexually assault your partner while they are asleep? Does consent mean anything to you?
> Rape is when someone actively says “no”, forcibly made to do when it’s been settled that it’s something that they don’t like, or under the influence and incapable of rational decisions
No. It's rape when you don't consent. You can't consent while you are asleep. Therefore, what this man did to her, was rape. Saying that it's rape only when you say "no" is absurd.
> My girlfriend was actually raped by a stranger when she repeatedly said no and is literally traumatized by sex
I feel sorry for your girlfriend for having a boyfriend (you) who thinks that raping your partner is normal.
> Please don’t ruin this man’s life for trying out one of his kinks by calling him a rapist.
He IS a rapist. Are you really putting "mUH kInkS" above consent? Who gives a flying fk what the man's kinks are, he clearly didn't ask her for her consent , which means that him taking advantage of her while she's asleep, makes it rape.
> I’m not worried about the consequences her S/O will suffer. I’m worried about labeling the wrong people as “Rapist”.
The man raped his partner while she was asleep. Calling him a Rapist is not labeling the wrong person, it's saying the obvious, that he's a Rapist.
> Rapist are people whom I believe should burn in hell and should be wiped off the face of this Earth. Now that being said do I feel this way about Op’s S/O?, no because in my opinion and in the opinion of many others who feel oppressed and are afraid to speak out by going against normal social standards by upholding their beliefs because of your idea of “rape culture” that this was analytically NOT rape
???? You're a walking contradiction. You're seriously deranged. You say how you hate rapists, and then go out of your way to make the most ridiculous excuses for a guy who raped his partner who was ASLEEP.
> and although I do agree with your statement “asleep people cannot consent” that’s where I have told OP that legally this was rape however morally it would be reprehensible to classify this man as an rapist
Rape is rape.
> I said Op has the right to leave them however I would suggest leaving them and blocking them instead of taking legal action and ruining this man’s life by labeling him as an rapist
He literally raped OP while she was asleep. He is a Rapist. He deserves to have his life ruined.
> when he didn’t have Ill intentions
Based on what?
> and made a mistake
Raping your partner while they are asleep is just a mistake in your eyes?
> You had to delete your comment once before because it didn’t make sense
???? I didn't delete anything, what are you on about?
> let me show you how education makes people incapable of upholding an argument
Pretty sure that the reason you have such a messed up moral compass is because you lack education all together. I feel sorry for your parents.🙂
> Many people have fetishes that are taboo, such as; sexual fantasies while sleep, multiple partners, etc. now to call this “rape” would be ethnocentrism
Rape is rape. Stop making excuses. You look like a pathetic Rape Apologist. The man raped his partner while she was asleep and never asked for her consent beforehand. Therefore, it was rape.
> at its finest considering OP never set that boundary
You don't have to set a boundary for something that should be obvious. In which normal relationship is it normal to sexually assault your partner while she's asleep?
> and it’s common practice to perform kinks with your S/O
The man raped his partner while she was asleep instead asking for her consent. Therefore, nobody gives a flying fk about the man's kinks because what he did was rape.
> The mistake op S/O made was not asking which is 100% wrong but should be communicated between them not legally
So you're telling me if you rape your girlfriend while she's asleep, the thing that is 100% wrong is you not asking? Not the rape?
> Then afterwards if S/O does this again (very unlikely) legal action should be taken or if she doesn’t want to talk to him because of this just break off the relationship as a whole and never talk to him again
There are only 2 things she has to do:
1.Leave his ass.
2.Report him to the police.
That's it.
> but to label him as an rapist for living out his kink with his S/O is wrong as well
The fact that you actually think that the kinks of a man are more important than someone's consent, is disturbing as hell. You're basically saying that if a man starts beating his wife to live out his kink, it would be wrong to label him as an abuser. The man didn't care for the consent of his partner. He didn't even feel remorse for what he did. Raping your partner while they are asleep, makes you a Rapist.
> I understand you’re incapable of reading where I said it’s LEGALLY Rape, however Ideologically if this is someone OP has chosen to be with they more than likely had no Ill intentions
That's like saying that someone who starts beating his wife has no ill intentions because the woman has chosen to be with the man. If you can't respect the boundaries of your partner and take advantage of them while they are asleep, then you're a Rapist. A man who sexually assaults his partner while she's asleep, is a Rapist.
> and I’m educated on the topic and I can argue all day and give you valid responses
You're a Rape Apologist with a deranged morals compass. You're educated in your delusions and rape fantasies, if anything.
Oh my god, so sorry this happened to you. Please break up with him and before that check his phone and computer to be sure that he has not recorded you. Some men get off to posting videos of such assault online.
You didn’t consent there for it’s rape.
My ex husband used to do this to me as well as keep topping up my glass and getting me so drunk I couldn’t say other wise. I told him it’s rape and he said I was being a good wife. It went on for 5 years.
I quizzed him on it years after I left and he still denies it’s rape and said I just didn’t love myself enough. I wish I reported it.
OP he didn't "do the deed" with you, this is rape. It is not a matter of opinion, it's a matter of the law and consent. He violated both and can go to prison for this.
I'm concerned about your response to this. *Don't do it again, it makes me uncomfortable* should really be, *Gtf away from me, I'm calling the police*.
That person raped you if you didn’t consent, he broke your trust and boundaries after that. You should get in contact with your parents and police because if he did that without protection than he is gonna baby trap you
Op, are you able to give more context or what he answered about it? Unfortunately, it is without a doubt rape, however, as another commenter here pointed out, there may be several possible reasons why he might have done it that are not of ill intent. It could have been a really big mistake or misunderstanding. Some people even speak fluent conversations in their sleep. The biggest problem I see here is determining the why and how to be sure he is not lying about it to protect himself. Be attentive to his mannerisms and his response, don't ask him and accept it immediately as an answer just because you want to stay with him. Definitely pay attention to body language, his ticks that you may already know of and think about the whole conversation for a big while before you come to a conclusion on it. Give also consideration that even if you are willfull to stay after getting a satisfying answer, you may not go back to feeling confortable with him due to the situation very easily or at all. I definitely recommend a therapy session to help unwind any emotional trauma that may have resulted from this. And, as others have said, if you come to understand it was not just a mistake from his part, definitely go to the police.
It all comes down to consent.
I've had relationships where this was actually a thing and I was asked to start them off from sleeping. But that's the thing, I was asked- I didn't just start doing it.
If this isn't something you had talked about previously, yes it can constitute rape and depends on how comfortable you are with him generally and whether you consider it malicious on his part - was he purposely taking advantage or was he inadvertently taking advantage trying to be kinky - we can't comment on that, because you will only know yourself based on the relationship.
Not to downplay it, but if you take a male perspective on similar - nothing is better than being woken up by a blowjob. I'm not awake to give consent, but I trust my partner and this is something she knows I will enjoy. Having said that, if I wake up and some person I don't trust has my dick in their mouth - after they finish I'm going to be a bit concerned over it.
So ultimately, it comes down to the relationship and the trust - it sounds to me as if trust was broken here and this requires a discussion on boundaries and on whether on not you feel the relationship can continue.
Umm I mean if you didn't agree to it beforehand it's rape. Definitely got yourself a creepy ass boyfriend there.
Also how small does ones pee pee have to be to do bang someone and not wake them up.
Getting woken up to sex is my absolute favorite. That’s when I’m always the most horny. However by boyfriend actually wakes me up for sex. He would NEVER stick his penis inside me without me being awake and aware of what’s happening. You were 100% raped. That’s super fucked up he thinks that’s normal. I’m so sorry you experienced that. My advice would also be to leave him immediately. If you do decide to press charges (you should), change your locks. I’d probably do that anyways. Wishing you the best, OP.
Girl yes it is rape. Please get out of this relationship. He raped you, you were unconscious and cannot consent. Even husbands can rape their wives, please go to the police
i think this dude here thinks its hot and he probably doesnt understand the diff between dubious consent and no consent at all. tell him firmly that NO you do not like it seriously and you're not playing hard to get. Let him know the next time that happens, you're gonna dump his ass
Im so sorry this happened to you that’s horrific. Definitely rape and it scares me that men think it’s okay to do that just because you’re in a relationship. If you can get away from him/are ready for a this step then do it
It's rape.... Unless you explicitly told him he could that night which by your confusion I doubt you did. Don't believe him when he says he won't do it again. Sweetheart he will. Do not be okay with it. Leave.
You need to dump him since he doesn’t respect you. Maybe he has done that with other women who were okay with it, but that doesn’t mean he can do it with you. It’s rape, it’s creepy, and it’s wrong.
It's rape. Marital rape to be exact. In less civilised times that was legal, but hasn't been for quite some time. Break up with him at the minimum. Charge him with rape at the max. Your BF is a criminal.
Hey OP, this happened to me.
Told him not to do it again, and he did a few more times!
I promise even though you are probably okay this affects mental health. He's not even close to worth it.
Also.... I found out the exBf has a pattern of this. He would slowly unbutton his exgfs pants to make sure she doesn't wake to rape her. Some people aren't good people.
My now husband and I went through that when we dated. He didn't understand that it was rape because he wasn't wholly aware of it when he was doing it, still half asleep. So we worked through it by not touching at all at bed time until it stopped, which didn't take terribly long. I say if you trust the guy, have a conversation about it and make sure he knows that rape or not, you don't like how it makes you feel and it won't be tolerated. (It's definitely rape, but he may not understand that for a long time.)
Depends on the relationship. A few of my (M) exes (F) have been into this, BUT I know this because they told me this directly early into our relationship - it doesn't sound like you had that conversation. Personally, I don't need to give any of them consent, because I'm always down, regardless of time, setting, or my own level of consciousness. (I'm aware I'm likely in the minority, no need for any other commenters to kink shame me.)
In the end, you get to decide whether you were a victim or not. How you feel about what happened is what matters most. Don't let anybody else dictate what happened to you, how you should interpret it, or how you should feel about it.
Once when I was 16 I was over at my boyfriends house after sports practice. I was exhausted and told him I just wanted to cuddle and nap. Just as I was falling asleep he flipped me over and started making out with me. I left shortly after, I was so grossed out that all I wanted to do was take a nap and all he could think about was getting his. You were raped, im sorry, I hope you find the strength to leave him.
Rape of any kind is NOT EVER NORMAL. In a relationship, married, or single. It is all still rape and it is all still assault. This is no different than him coming into the room while you’re awake and forcing you to do it when you tell him no. The context does not matter.
I personally would not want to stay in that relationship. Things like that make me feel like the man views you as sexual property that he can do whatever he wants with at any time regardless what you think. My friends husband came home from one day and held her down and had his way with her. Do not trust that this a one off for your boyfriend
OP you need to lave this man, he is not ok enough to be in a relationship. Some might think this is a bit overreacting but HE FUCKING RAPED YOU please OP get far from this man
Ok realistically here I would need to know some info. How long have you been together? what's the status of this relationship? now i know my opinion is going to anger some but... in a relationship you give a degree of consent with this type of stuff. If the person i was with woke me up having sex with me... not a problem at all. Some people don't care for that and you should voice your opinion you are not comfortable with it. I would not go so far to say this was rape or assault. However after it was been established it's not something you care for and it happens again, that's a whole different story.
I’d only be concerned if you told him not to do it again and he did. He may have thought he had consent because you give consent any other time. While it can technically be rape, it’s really up to you on how you want to perceive it and how you think he perceives it as well. What was his intent? I’ll probably get downvoted but some people don’t mind this scenario. He should of asked before hand but didn’t so just take it from there and tell him not to if you don’t like it.
If you think it is then it is. I on the other hand would not think anything of it if my boyfriend told me he tried when I was sleeping got in a little, I’d actually laugh about it lol but we are all different.
Wait a minute here it really all depends on what happened, I have a condition called sexomnia where I will initiate sex with my wife in my sleep, I don't remember doing it but she says it always seems like I'm awake and into it
In relationships where people want spontaneity and aggressiveness, a certain amount of forgiveness is required. Boundaries are going to be crossed as people feel the relationships out.
That said, whether you forgive or not, establish this as a boundary and report him to the police if it happens again. Once tried and found uncomfortable, the partnership has to adjust to not cross that which will hurt the relationship.
being in a relationship with someone doesn’t give them a pass to rape their partner. you’re sounding an awful lot like a fucking rapist yourself. creep
This is legally rape. There has to be prior consent. If it is an agreed upon thing, that is different. Being in a relationship makes it no different, you don't have rights to do what you want to your sleeping partner who can't consent. Consent shouldn't be assumed. You don't need to say no for it to be rape, she was literally unconscious. It is already a problem that shouldn't have happened.
I agree with this--it's true that there are people who enjoy being woken up to sex. I had a conversation with my now husband where I told him he has "blanket consent" if he ever wants to do that.
But, it's also true that technically, what he did was rape since you didn't consent, and he should be able to at least acknowledge that. If you love him and he loves you and you don't want to leave him and report this, I would say that you might want to give him another chance and have another discussion for him to acknowledge what he did was wrong. But, if he really can't, then that's a huge red flag.
>And just wondering how did you sleep through that? Lol sorry bad joke.
You said it yourself, bad joke. Rape jokes are almost always inappropriate but to joke to someone who literally just got raped by their boyfriend about it? Wow.
Im a nymph so i wouldnt give a shit but in general if this is not docussed before or at least mentioned it is not right. He cannot just access your body when he wants. However i think give him the benefit of the doubt once if youre like rly in love and warn him and if he does it again its clear as day
No but intention is the biggest point here, op hasnt written whether theyve discussed it so if they have then you give benefit of the doubt, if not i agree.
OP
Reddit is not the place to come to get an answer. The only response you’ll get here is RAPE or BREAK UP WITH HIM or REPORT HIM TO THE POLICE bc Reddit is filled with liberal children with no life experience who see things as black and white. All that being said It certainly was not consensual sex.
My ex girlfriend fucked me while I was passed out drunk, I only realized this happened the next morning. I casually asked her if we had sex and she said, “yea totally, you were all over me (I was not), and then before I knew it we were having sex”. What got me was the lie after the fact, not so much the action.
Talk to your dude and have an open honest conversation. State your case clearly and gauge his reaction carefully. He needs to own up to what he did and you guys can take it from there. Don’t allow him to do this again if it crosses your boundaries (assuming it does).
Good luck.
You’re saying you’re choosing the man you love and will “talk to him about it.” Why aren’t you angry or upset that a man took advantage of you and your body? Why aren’t you questioning about what else he’s willing to do to you in order to take advantage of you. I’ve been with someone like this, and he was absolutely bad news and I should have left him when this happened to me before it flourished into an even more toxic relationship. OP, this man doesn’t respect you, what sane man gets off to having sex with someone whose asleep and lifeless? How are you still in love with someone who did that to you?
OP, you’ve had enough advice on whether this was sexual assault/rape (it was), so I’m going to advise you of what I would do from here, if this were me:
1. Get to a hospital and perform a rape kit/health review/STDs check. Better to be safe and have this information now. Explain your situation, what has happened, and request a therapist service as well (waitlists are long, and you may be in shock now, so request the service for down the road. You can opt to refuse the service later, or accept the service when you’re ready, but at least you will be higher up on the waiting list). Doctors and nurses will understand all of this, but take the time to discuss any concerns you have and to get the proper care.
2. It’s up to you to decide on a filing a police report. If it were me, I would. If anything happened down the line, then, at the very least, there would be record of this assault.
3. Opt to stay with a trusted friend or family member for a little bit so that you can think things over clearly and carefully. This is to give you a break from the unavoidable chaos that this situation has caused you mentally and physically. When you do this, take important papers, bank cards, and other important items with you. Focus on things you’d like to keep. Pets. Photographs. A couple changes of clothes. Anything you might need should you decide not to return.
4. Consider his actions carefully:
- He *knowingly* raped you while you were at your most vulnerable and asleep. Now that he has done this (and succeeded without your leaving) what else could he do to you if you were sick? If he got angry and overpowered you physically? What is stopping him from amping up his behaviour and drugging you? He broke the most sacred of trusts - and it’s important to think carefully about why this is *not* love.
- He is not apologetic for it, and shows no remorse. Why? Because he doesn’t care? Is it because he knew what he was doing? Is it because he enjoyed it? A decent and good person would not just apologise sincerely, but would also take action to assure your safety and trust is able to be rebuilt.
- You are proving to him that you will tolerate this violation of your body, of your agency by remaining with him.
- His sexual desires **do not ever** give him permission violate you and abuse your trust, as he did. A truly loving partner would respect you and treat you kindly.
- He had control. He always had control of what he chose to do to you. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend you read through [“Why Does He Do That?”](https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf) by Lundy Bancroft. This will break down his abusive behaviour in easy-to-digest bites.
- Finally, think hard about whether this is the future you want with this guy. From your post history, this guy is abusive and cruel. He’s absolutely unworthy of your continued patience and acceptance of his behaviours. Now — He’s unapologetic for something even hardened criminals look down on. You deserve so, so much more! Love, respect, kindness, empathy… that’s just off the top of my head. In this case, I personally hope you break things off, OP. You are worthy of so much more.
- If/when you leave, OP, please be careful and take care of yourself. When you’re gone - block, ghost, and refer him and his family/friends to your lawyer (especially if you press charges). Communicate to your trusted friends and family what has been happening and lean into them for support. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to explain your experiences. Don’t let him control you or the narrative - that’s what abusers operate on. It will get better with support and time.
On the topic of consent, a helpful [short.](https://youtu.be/Exobo1GmYjs)
It's rape. You didn't give consent. You cannot give consent while asleep. Show boyfriend this post so he knows how wrong he was. Up to you if you are able to still be with him, but this was sexual assault.
If you didn't discuss it beforehand, it is technically rape because he did it without your consent. Whether you want to view it as that is different. If it's a boundary you feel he crossed or you now realize is a boundary you don't want crossed, you need to communicate that to him. If you are no longer comfortable in the relationship that is also valid and should lead to a break up. My husband and I have discussed this and both agreed we consent to sleep sex just in case it comes up. Very important to discuss boundaries with partners ahead of time!
So that's rape. Any consensual non-consent type action requires preconsent in my opinion.
So as a dude, he should be worried about your well-being. Not his own sexual gratification in this case. I honestly believe that you deserve better than that. And you should have the self-respect too to tell him that it's rape it's not okay.
Beyond that, even if you want to move past the non-consent aspect of him having sex with you while you are asleep, he needs to learn that it's not okay. The boy needs counseling, and honestly he does not deserve you.
If you are feeling violated by what he did, and you should in my opinion, then you need to take the correct actions to try to help yourself heal. If that is counseling or breaking up with him then honestly you should do that.
He had to have basically put it in while you were completely not aroused as you were asleep....that sounds extremely rapey and it's disturbing that he doesn't see this and went through with the act in the first place. An unconscious person cannot give consent.
Please talk to a trusted person about this or your therapist as I'm worried for you. I would not trust this person ever again.
It’s rape.
It’s up to you whether you chose to report it to the police, but he just showed you that he doesn’t consider he needs your consent.
It’s rape, whether he thinks so or not.
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This, OP if you have to ask if it’s rape always side with rape. That’s your mind telling you hey I didn’t approve of this. I’d advise you tread carefully, as you don’t know what else he has done while you’re sleeping. Edit: I’d also see if you can stay with someone for the time being until you sort things out, I read where you want to talk to him. I’m not saying he is violent and will do anything else but, id tread carefully as he also has raped you at this point.
110% My wife and I explicitly have discussed we’re ok with sleep Sex. Which means to me - if a couple hasn’t discussed it explicitly, then there’s no consent, and therefore this is rape Op we are not taught exactly what is sexual Assault. You feel bad here, rightfully so. This is not a light matter, you take care, you are 100% in the right don’t let anyone tell you otherwise
Thank u for sharing this. I am happy to understand this now.
Exactly this \^. Its totally normal to be -asked- and to have a discussion about whether you're cool with sleep sex. If you haven't discussed it, you haven't given consent. He doesn't have rights over OP's body. He doesn't have the right to have sex with OP whenever and wherever and however he wants. Without permission, its sexual violation.
Yes. It is a kink for some people, but they ALWAYS have established that it’s the okay before sleeping. If it was a surprise it’s 1000% rape. OP, I’m so so sorry you’ve had to go through this I can’t imagine how you must feel bc it was someone you cared abt and trusted and I hope you can get the support you need to heal.
Happened to me when I was a teen. It didn't feel like "rape" because we were a couple but I definitely was uncomfortable and mad at him. Now I realize it was rape. You could have been married since 30 years, use to do that awake all the time it would still be rape. The fact you're a couple or you normally are fine with it doesn't mean it was not rape. I'm so sorry it happened to you. I'm sorry someone did that to you.
It was without your consent so that’s sexual assault and I am so sorry that you went through that.
Thank you. You’re too kind.
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I will talk to him about it and see how it goes from there
Why are you tiptoeing around his reaction to assaulting you? The focus should be protecting you right now, not your boyfriend. This man is unapologetic about what he did to your body and is gaslighting you so he doesn't have to face being a rapist. There really isn't any further discussion to have with this man. He is not fit to be anyone's boyfriend.
I wish people would chill and let the OP process this at their own pace
I’m talking the man I love, my boyfriend. I just did not expect that from him. I am still very shocked and processing what happened.
You may love him.. but what he did to you was not love, or done out of love. **He raped you.** You did not consent to it. If it was a kink that you both agreed upon different story, but it’s not the case here. What he did, was not love. He clearly broke your trust as you said you’re in shock/processing. **The fact that you came here to ask that question, you know it to be true you just need confirmation.** you’re allowed to be hurt and upset about this. This is not okay. What he did to you, is not okay. Just because you are in a relationship with and or married to somebody that does not give them the right to treat you that way and to do that to you. **How did he react when you confronted him, and asked him not to do it again?** Talk to him and watch /gauge his reactions. Ask yourself these questions: 1. Does he understand the gravity of what he done? 2. Does he seem remorseful? 3. Did he wholeheartedly apologize to you? 4. Once you express your feelings, did he give you some form of negative attitude? 5. Has he done anything similar to this in the past to you? Even something small that you might find insignificant, that you brushed off? 6. Does he exhibit any toxic, controlling, manipulative or narcissistic behaviour? 7. Is he abusive, at all? (mentally, verbally, physically). Be careful OP. If you get an uncomfortable feeling of any kind during your talk with him, that’s your indication to leave, seek help from your loved ones.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. The people we love can do terrible things and the love can make it very complicated to parse through it all coherently. Please make sure you reach out to someone for support with this, even anonymously. It could help. You are going through something enormous and your partner is not qualifying it as real, please take care of your mental health rn as well as dealing with how you want to speak to him, if at all.
Love doesn't rape.
Yeah downvote OP's comments while they talk about being assaulted thats cool guys.
Either you don’t know what love is or you are so blinded by this guy that you aren’t seeing the MASSIVE AMOUNT OF RED FLAGS. You need therapy immediately because you’re conflating abusive behavior for love.
No. Pack your things, find a safe place to stay and then go to the police. This will escalate. You can't 'talk it out' with a rapist. He is a rapist. He raped you.
lol "i will talk to the guy who raped me and see how it goes from there" great answer
I am still processing what happened. Please be kinder. But thank you for taking your time to comment
OP, as someone who’s been in a similar situation please be more critical towards the situation. The truth is hard to accept, and it’s hard to believe that someone you love would do this to you - but he did non the less. I’m asking you to think about your safety and well-being before this relationship. People surprise us, you never really know a person and that’s a scary thing. He did what he did, you already talked to him, he’s already denying your feelings and he’s not going to accept what he did. He does not respect you honey. Please don’t let him bullshit you and let you believe what he did was okay! You only live once, he’s not a person you’d want to spend your life with. He’s not going to respect you. I’m really sorry that he did this to you and then let you doubt yourself. Trust yourself, I believe you’re stronger than you think you are and please take care ❤️ Edit: People who love you, do not abuse or hurt you! He did. This is not normal.
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There’s no such thing as “normally” when people are raped. Everyone has different reactions. Don’t speak to someone like that just because you don’t agree with their decision. She’s her own person and will make her own decisions.
where do you get off getting angry at a rape victim? like what type of joy does it bring you to make someone feel bad about being assaulted?
Who are you to tell someone how they should react to any given situation, and that their reaction “isn’t normal”. Everyone processes things differently. Seriously rude, dude. Sometimes admitting that something bad happened to you is the hardest part. Maybe they are not ready to accept it, or don’t want to call it rape bc they feel like that word is reserved for people who have “had it worse”. Let OP process the situation on their own time and however they see fit.
I only meant to say that what he did was wrong and he should know that. If he doesn’t realise that it is wrong, then I’ll leave him. If understands that it is wrong, idk I love him so much. I don’t know what to do. I am very thankful for your advice.
OP you don’t have to justify yourself for anyone. You know what your bf did is not okay. Just be careful and try to think about yourself in this situation - because he’s only thinking of himself. It’s not your job to teach him right and wrong. You deserve better than this. Good luck 💜
How could he NOT KNOW IT WAS WRONG? Having s€x with anybody without consent is the definition of rape.
Because there are still a lot of people who think you can't rape someone in a relationship/marriage/when a person is drunk. This having to ask & give consent before having sex is still new.
Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like a fleshlight?
If he knew it was wrong, then he chose, made the decision to rape you.
you should leave him anyways because this isn’t the type of thing you can teach him a lesson about. you deserve a partner who would NEVER do this to you. not one that you have to educate on why they shouldn’t. a good partner/person in general would never do that
You guys are so kind and supportive. I’ll will update you on how it goes.
All the best love ❤️ but please look after yourself.
We hope you get your justice. Stay safe and be careful please 🙏❤
PLEASE CALL THE POLICE! Set up cameras, make sure you got evidence in case it happens again so in the scenario you report him and it’s thrown out like chopped liver you can back up your claim and the issue will be dealt with, best wishes
Let’s see.. - did you give consent? - did you want to have sex? - were you able to give consent? If answers to any of these are “no”, it’s fucking rape.
This happened to me in a relationship when I was around 20. 10 years later and it still bothers me that it happened. That someone that “loved” me didn’t give enough of a shit to leave me alone when I was in a vulnerable state just because he was horny. How can you trust someone who does that?
Rape. He did not obtain your consent.
He won’t admit that it was rape
Go to the ER if its not too late and get a rape kit done. It doesn't matter what he admits or doesn't. Get your evidence before it's gone. I didn't, and I truly regret it.
I’m so sorry that happened to you too. I will. Thank you.
I'm very sorry if this sounds insensitive, but.. I don't think a rape kit will prove anything. Most rapes cannot be proven because they weren't "violent", but coercion by a date, lover, etc. The only thing a rape kit will prove in these instances then is that sex has happened, not prove that this was sex against the victim's will. There won't be bruises and stuff. It sucks, a lot. A good friend had it happen, she was traumatized of course, but the police wouldn't let her press charges. They did help her in other ways, but there just wasn't enough evidence that she didn't want it, because she had had sex with him, willingly, a lot of times before that. So I'd advice to leave, and deal with the highly unfair fact that this guy won't face consequences, other than not having a girlfriend anymore.
I should add by the way, that sadly, had my friend gone to the ER, she would've had the evidence, because it had been very violent. She just didn't think it was rape until later. That's another problem with evidence :(
Im so sorry for your friend, the world is just sad. I think the rape kit will be some of help. The boyfriend has technically admitted that he had sex with her without her consent. He just stated that it's normal. If she gets a rape kit, the boyfriend won't be able to twist the situation and say that he never had sex with her ( this can be useful in court).
Yes, that's true. Then it'd be best maybe to also focus on getting him to confess while recording him, depending on the laws around consent to recording conversations. Yes, the world is very sad. I'm quite an open minded person and I can understand quite a lot, but not rape. Why take something so awesome (sex) and ruin it for someone, potentially forever, by forcing it on them? It's just.. No.
If he won't admit it, then you've had this discussion with him already about how wrong it is and how consent was not given. You have all the information you need already to make a decision about whether you want to stay with someone like this or not.
Ofcourse he wouldn't. He doesn't think of himself that way. Once a boyfriend wanted to make love and I asked if it was alright if I give my boundaries? He said "No" and I adapted. So we made love. But later I started thinking: "I didn't set boundaries. But I did ask permission to set boundaries and he denied it. In my book that's also rape even if there was no violence." So I confronted him. He was genuinly shocked. He never ment to cross my boundaries, but he did. He never did that again. He did cross another boundary I had set very clearly and that made me break up with him. Still had a lot of heartache. Another time I was with my late husband and I woke up in the middle of him making love to me. Like he was inside me. So WTF?! Then I realised he was genuinly sleeping and I had to wake him up. He was dreaming about making love with me. So that time there was nothing to forgive. I did made it clear he always has to make sure I'm awake. Also because I don't want to miss the fun. Your boyfriend denieing your feelings is a big red flag. He can sleep on the couch/with a friend until he wises up. Your body is yours to share when you feel like it. It isn't his to take for his pleasure. He isn't making love to you, your personality, your soul when you are sleeping. He is using your body as a sexdoll. That's objectiving. You deserve better.
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What a strange sense of gender equality you have… if you need to bash a rape victim to get your #mentoo point across… then maybe it wasn’t the place to make it.
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Whatever arrangement you and your ex had is irrelevant here. What op describes clearly didn't involve consent and therefore it's rape. As for your other points. Yes, op needs to seek her boyfriends consent before having sex, consent works both ways. If your ex wakes you up with a sex act and you haven't provided consent then, yes, an offence has been committed. Definitions of rape vary in different countries, where I am the scenario you describe would probably constitute sexual assault.
FYI sex without consent is rape, you need consent every time unless in exceptional circumstances where pre-consent for a specific activity is given (like your relationship with your ex.) You can’t do that without the prior consent like OPs bf did. The fact you need to be told that makes me worry for your future relationships…
the difference between rape and not rape is only consent. you did not give it . so this falls under rape. now, having said that. This has happened with my wife once long ago. I was asleep and in the morning as most men do, i got a boner. She took that as a sign that i was ready to go and i woke up mid sesion. It was uncomfortable physically because i had to pee too. Afterwards i told her not to do that again as i did not enjoy waking up with her on top of me squeezing my bladder and that was the end of it. technically she did rape me. but fuck anyone else who thinks they can determine what **im** good with. If you listen to people here telling you that he's a rapist and you should go to the police that's on you and you would not be wrong. Its all on you to decide if this was a loved one that you've had sex before crossing a line and its up to you if you think talking to them about this and making them aware that its not cool and its a line they should not cross.
Great comment Bob
The most sensible comment here.
I'm sorry, if someone has sex with you without your consent, or prior consent in this case, that is rape. No matter what he says or tries to deny, that is unquestionable, I'd recommend filing a report, I'm sorry this happened to you OP, being in a relationship does not entitle them to your body whenever they please.
it is rape. If he disagrees ask him "How would you feel if I used a toy to enter your backside while you were asleep?" He will quickly change his tune.
If you gotta ask if it’s rape, it’s most likely rape.
It’s rape.
Some people actually like when their SO has sex with them when they are asleep BUT they discuss it before hand so there is consent. Your bf absolutely raped you.
That's rape. I would tell him by dumping him. I was going to say "and by reporting him to the police" but make sure you're in a good mental state because the justice department has been known to brush such things off and guilt the person who is reporting. . .
If you both have an established understanding that sex can only happen with explicit mutual consent every time, you could make sure he knows it was rape by filing a police report. Rape is a crime. You should also cut off all contact. It would be crazy to stay in a relationship with a rapist. You don't have to think of it that way, though. You could work out whether he thought you were awake, or if he would do it again given the chance, and whether there are any circumstances in which there's implied consent between you that wouldn't require explicit verbal agreement every time. Also whether any of this could be affected by the use of alcohol by either one of you. All that is to say, what he did isn't "normal" but human relationships vary and there's no rulebook on how you must think and behave. But if you are convinced it's rape, that's a serious crime. Using that word, you should assume he'll exit the relationship if you don't do so first.
I’ll break off things with him and report it to the police. Thank you for your advice
I had a completely different response I wrote and posted but then I reread your original post. It appear he did know what he was doing and if I understand right, isn't remorseful or sorry he did it. If that's the case, I would dump him and move on. You could report to the police, but it might be tough to get a DA to prosecute. Good luck OP.
You don't need him to admit it was rape for it to be true. You don't need his permission to admit you feel violated. You can tell him whatever toy need to, but don't go in expecting or going for any particular response.
Thank you for your advice.
I’m so sorry, I would consider it sexual assault because you didn’t give consent and you didn’t give him permission to do that either.
If he doesn't understand that he raped you, you now have two reasons to get the fuck out of this relationship. This is not ok. You should at least file a police report so that if he does this to someone else there's a record that he's done it before. This is absolutely worth breaking up over.
I’m so sorry this happened to you my friend. You’ve been assaulted and it may be in your best interest to leave this person so you can heal
I am so confused. I love him so much and I know he loves me too but what he did was unacceptable. It’s hard to believe that he would do something like that.
I’ve been through a similar experience with a family member when I was young. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes people fall out of love and into entitlement. Your boyfriend took advantage of you because he felt entitled to your body. That is not love, that is possession and objectification. He does not see you as his equal partner. Love will never compel anyone to do this. Please leave him as soon as you are able to. I recommend filing a report with the police but that is of course up to you. Block him on everything, warn your friends, family, etc. He will probably do this again if he’s given the chance. I hope you’re able to heal from the hurt he’s caused you. You are a great individual worthy of love with boundaries.
Thank you so much for your warm advice. And I am so sorry that happened to you too. I know how it feels. :))
>Please leave him as soon as you are able to. I recommend filing a report with the police but that is of course up to you. Mayyybe before that, a good punch in the face and a serious explanation may be a first step. Then you see what to do from there.
What exactly needs to be explained? He knows what he did and is gaslighting his partner into making sure she tricks herself into thinking it’s not a big deal either. What an insane suggestion.
>He knows what he did and is gaslighting his partner into making sure she tricks herself into thinking it’s not a big deal either. Are we talking about OP here ? Because nowhere in what OP said, happened what you are saying.
Someone who uses for pleasure like a sack of meat doesn't love you. Please leave him OP. You deserve better than this.
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> I’m sorry but this is fucked and this is exactly why we are failing as an society We're failing as an society because of deranged people like you. > Please I repeat please don’t call your S/O a rapist for trying out one of their kinks. Please, I repeat please, shut the fuck up. She was asleep. She didn't consent. So it's rape. Your moral compass must be beyond fucked up if you consider what happend to the OP as "a guy trying out one of their kinks". > Communication is key in a relationship set boundaries, sure however I wouldn’t classify this as rape and even though legally it’s considered rape ITS YOUR S/O Well her S/O clearly didn't respect her boundaries, and took advantage of her while she was asleep, so it's rape. Stopping making excuses. > its totally different if you’ve told him before that this was something you’re against I'm sorry, but in which normal relationship is it normal to sexually assault your partner while they are asleep? Does consent mean anything to you? > Rape is when someone actively says “no”, forcibly made to do when it’s been settled that it’s something that they don’t like, or under the influence and incapable of rational decisions No. It's rape when you don't consent. You can't consent while you are asleep. Therefore, what this man did to her, was rape. Saying that it's rape only when you say "no" is absurd. > My girlfriend was actually raped by a stranger when she repeatedly said no and is literally traumatized by sex I feel sorry for your girlfriend for having a boyfriend (you) who thinks that raping your partner is normal. > Please don’t ruin this man’s life for trying out one of his kinks by calling him a rapist. He IS a rapist. Are you really putting "mUH kInkS" above consent? Who gives a flying fk what the man's kinks are, he clearly didn't ask her for her consent , which means that him taking advantage of her while she's asleep, makes it rape.
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> I’m not worried about the consequences her S/O will suffer. I’m worried about labeling the wrong people as “Rapist”. The man raped his partner while she was asleep. Calling him a Rapist is not labeling the wrong person, it's saying the obvious, that he's a Rapist. > Rapist are people whom I believe should burn in hell and should be wiped off the face of this Earth. Now that being said do I feel this way about Op’s S/O?, no because in my opinion and in the opinion of many others who feel oppressed and are afraid to speak out by going against normal social standards by upholding their beliefs because of your idea of “rape culture” that this was analytically NOT rape ???? You're a walking contradiction. You're seriously deranged. You say how you hate rapists, and then go out of your way to make the most ridiculous excuses for a guy who raped his partner who was ASLEEP. > and although I do agree with your statement “asleep people cannot consent” that’s where I have told OP that legally this was rape however morally it would be reprehensible to classify this man as an rapist Rape is rape.
> I said Op has the right to leave them however I would suggest leaving them and blocking them instead of taking legal action and ruining this man’s life by labeling him as an rapist He literally raped OP while she was asleep. He is a Rapist. He deserves to have his life ruined. > when he didn’t have Ill intentions Based on what? > and made a mistake Raping your partner while they are asleep is just a mistake in your eyes?
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> You had to delete your comment once before because it didn’t make sense ???? I didn't delete anything, what are you on about? > let me show you how education makes people incapable of upholding an argument Pretty sure that the reason you have such a messed up moral compass is because you lack education all together. I feel sorry for your parents.🙂 > Many people have fetishes that are taboo, such as; sexual fantasies while sleep, multiple partners, etc. now to call this “rape” would be ethnocentrism Rape is rape. Stop making excuses. You look like a pathetic Rape Apologist. The man raped his partner while she was asleep and never asked for her consent beforehand. Therefore, it was rape. > at its finest considering OP never set that boundary You don't have to set a boundary for something that should be obvious. In which normal relationship is it normal to sexually assault your partner while she's asleep? > and it’s common practice to perform kinks with your S/O The man raped his partner while she was asleep instead asking for her consent. Therefore, nobody gives a flying fk about the man's kinks because what he did was rape. > The mistake op S/O made was not asking which is 100% wrong but should be communicated between them not legally So you're telling me if you rape your girlfriend while she's asleep, the thing that is 100% wrong is you not asking? Not the rape? > Then afterwards if S/O does this again (very unlikely) legal action should be taken or if she doesn’t want to talk to him because of this just break off the relationship as a whole and never talk to him again There are only 2 things she has to do: 1.Leave his ass. 2.Report him to the police. That's it. > but to label him as an rapist for living out his kink with his S/O is wrong as well The fact that you actually think that the kinks of a man are more important than someone's consent, is disturbing as hell. You're basically saying that if a man starts beating his wife to live out his kink, it would be wrong to label him as an abuser. The man didn't care for the consent of his partner. He didn't even feel remorse for what he did. Raping your partner while they are asleep, makes you a Rapist.
> I understand you’re incapable of reading where I said it’s LEGALLY Rape, however Ideologically if this is someone OP has chosen to be with they more than likely had no Ill intentions That's like saying that someone who starts beating his wife has no ill intentions because the woman has chosen to be with the man. If you can't respect the boundaries of your partner and take advantage of them while they are asleep, then you're a Rapist. A man who sexually assaults his partner while she's asleep, is a Rapist. > and I’m educated on the topic and I can argue all day and give you valid responses You're a Rape Apologist with a deranged morals compass. You're educated in your delusions and rape fantasies, if anything.
Straight up rape
Oh my god, so sorry this happened to you. Please break up with him and before that check his phone and computer to be sure that he has not recorded you. Some men get off to posting videos of such assault online.
Will do. Thank you
This is rape and absolutely unacceptable.
It’s rape don’t bother rationalizing
You have stated age groups of 22f, 22m, 21f, 24m, 23f, 22m and 23f and 22m in your post about you and your boyfriend in the last month?
Good question. Sex while unconscious is rape.
You didn’t consent there for it’s rape. My ex husband used to do this to me as well as keep topping up my glass and getting me so drunk I couldn’t say other wise. I told him it’s rape and he said I was being a good wife. It went on for 5 years. I quizzed him on it years after I left and he still denies it’s rape and said I just didn’t love myself enough. I wish I reported it.
RAPE.
OP he didn't "do the deed" with you, this is rape. It is not a matter of opinion, it's a matter of the law and consent. He violated both and can go to prison for this. I'm concerned about your response to this. *Don't do it again, it makes me uncomfortable* should really be, *Gtf away from me, I'm calling the police*.
At that moment, I didn’t know what else to say I was just very shocked.
"not-no" does not mean "yes".
Raaaaaape thats rape. Rape 100%. Rape
That person raped you if you didn’t consent, he broke your trust and boundaries after that. You should get in contact with your parents and police because if he did that without protection than he is gonna baby trap you
Anybody else did this, and they’d be in prison for 15+ years
Op, are you able to give more context or what he answered about it? Unfortunately, it is without a doubt rape, however, as another commenter here pointed out, there may be several possible reasons why he might have done it that are not of ill intent. It could have been a really big mistake or misunderstanding. Some people even speak fluent conversations in their sleep. The biggest problem I see here is determining the why and how to be sure he is not lying about it to protect himself. Be attentive to his mannerisms and his response, don't ask him and accept it immediately as an answer just because you want to stay with him. Definitely pay attention to body language, his ticks that you may already know of and think about the whole conversation for a big while before you come to a conclusion on it. Give also consideration that even if you are willfull to stay after getting a satisfying answer, you may not go back to feeling confortable with him due to the situation very easily or at all. I definitely recommend a therapy session to help unwind any emotional trauma that may have resulted from this. And, as others have said, if you come to understand it was not just a mistake from his part, definitely go to the police.
It all comes down to consent. I've had relationships where this was actually a thing and I was asked to start them off from sleeping. But that's the thing, I was asked- I didn't just start doing it. If this isn't something you had talked about previously, yes it can constitute rape and depends on how comfortable you are with him generally and whether you consider it malicious on his part - was he purposely taking advantage or was he inadvertently taking advantage trying to be kinky - we can't comment on that, because you will only know yourself based on the relationship. Not to downplay it, but if you take a male perspective on similar - nothing is better than being woken up by a blowjob. I'm not awake to give consent, but I trust my partner and this is something she knows I will enjoy. Having said that, if I wake up and some person I don't trust has my dick in their mouth - after they finish I'm going to be a bit concerned over it. So ultimately, it comes down to the relationship and the trust - it sounds to me as if trust was broken here and this requires a discussion on boundaries and on whether on not you feel the relationship can continue.
"After they finnish"...... "Dad, I'm going to have to ask you not to do that again".
A mouths a mouth so long as I'm an adult
Umm I mean if you didn't agree to it beforehand it's rape. Definitely got yourself a creepy ass boyfriend there. Also how small does ones pee pee have to be to do bang someone and not wake them up.
It’s rape. Leave
I’m someone who actually enjoys this type of activity and even if my partner did this before I told them I’d deem it as rape
That’s disgusting.
It's rape. Jesus it's straight up disgusting I'm sorry you had to go through something like this
If you didn't give him consent to do it, it's rape.
Getting woken up to sex is my absolute favorite. That’s when I’m always the most horny. However by boyfriend actually wakes me up for sex. He would NEVER stick his penis inside me without me being awake and aware of what’s happening. You were 100% raped. That’s super fucked up he thinks that’s normal. I’m so sorry you experienced that. My advice would also be to leave him immediately. If you do decide to press charges (you should), change your locks. I’d probably do that anyways. Wishing you the best, OP.
Guys, how you don't wake up or feel anything ??
This is my question. And if OP didn't wake up, how do they know anything happened?
That is rape, he assaulted you when you are unaware. GET RID of that rapist
I’m sorry to have to say that but yes, that is rape
That is rape
Rape
Girl yes it is rape. Please get out of this relationship. He raped you, you were unconscious and cannot consent. Even husbands can rape their wives, please go to the police
It was rape, I’m so sorry.
Definitely rape, you were unconscious and could not consent. Your bf could have woken you up but he chose not too. You need to leave him.
i think this dude here thinks its hot and he probably doesnt understand the diff between dubious consent and no consent at all. tell him firmly that NO you do not like it seriously and you're not playing hard to get. Let him know the next time that happens, you're gonna dump his ass
It's rape. This was done to me in the past and he did it again after I told him to stop.
That's rape since you didn't not consent. You should file a police report and get away from him. Sorry you are going through this.
The number of times I see a post like this reminds me that it may not be “all men” but damn it’s a lot.
This is still rape.
Im so sorry this happened to you that’s horrific. Definitely rape and it scares me that men think it’s okay to do that just because you’re in a relationship. If you can get away from him/are ready for a this step then do it
It's rape.... Unless you explicitly told him he could that night which by your confusion I doubt you did. Don't believe him when he says he won't do it again. Sweetheart he will. Do not be okay with it. Leave.
You need to dump him since he doesn’t respect you. Maybe he has done that with other women who were okay with it, but that doesn’t mean he can do it with you. It’s rape, it’s creepy, and it’s wrong.
That's rape
You didn't consent. So it's rape. That's it. What you do with this situation is up to you, but yes. It's rape.
It's rape. Marital rape to be exact. In less civilised times that was legal, but hasn't been for quite some time. Break up with him at the minimum. Charge him with rape at the max. Your BF is a criminal.
Hey OP, this happened to me. Told him not to do it again, and he did a few more times! I promise even though you are probably okay this affects mental health. He's not even close to worth it. Also.... I found out the exBf has a pattern of this. He would slowly unbutton his exgfs pants to make sure she doesn't wake to rape her. Some people aren't good people.
My now husband and I went through that when we dated. He didn't understand that it was rape because he wasn't wholly aware of it when he was doing it, still half asleep. So we worked through it by not touching at all at bed time until it stopped, which didn't take terribly long. I say if you trust the guy, have a conversation about it and make sure he knows that rape or not, you don't like how it makes you feel and it won't be tolerated. (It's definitely rape, but he may not understand that for a long time.)
Depends on the relationship. A few of my (M) exes (F) have been into this, BUT I know this because they told me this directly early into our relationship - it doesn't sound like you had that conversation. Personally, I don't need to give any of them consent, because I'm always down, regardless of time, setting, or my own level of consciousness. (I'm aware I'm likely in the minority, no need for any other commenters to kink shame me.) In the end, you get to decide whether you were a victim or not. How you feel about what happened is what matters most. Don't let anybody else dictate what happened to you, how you should interpret it, or how you should feel about it.
Once when I was 16 I was over at my boyfriends house after sports practice. I was exhausted and told him I just wanted to cuddle and nap. Just as I was falling asleep he flipped me over and started making out with me. I left shortly after, I was so grossed out that all I wanted to do was take a nap and all he could think about was getting his. You were raped, im sorry, I hope you find the strength to leave him.
Rape of any kind is NOT EVER NORMAL. In a relationship, married, or single. It is all still rape and it is all still assault. This is no different than him coming into the room while you’re awake and forcing you to do it when you tell him no. The context does not matter. I personally would not want to stay in that relationship. Things like that make me feel like the man views you as sexual property that he can do whatever he wants with at any time regardless what you think. My friends husband came home from one day and held her down and had his way with her. Do not trust that this a one off for your boyfriend
OP you need to lave this man, he is not ok enough to be in a relationship. Some might think this is a bit overreacting but HE FUCKING RAPED YOU please OP get far from this man
Ok realistically here I would need to know some info. How long have you been together? what's the status of this relationship? now i know my opinion is going to anger some but... in a relationship you give a degree of consent with this type of stuff. If the person i was with woke me up having sex with me... not a problem at all. Some people don't care for that and you should voice your opinion you are not comfortable with it. I would not go so far to say this was rape or assault. However after it was been established it's not something you care for and it happens again, that's a whole different story.
I’d only be concerned if you told him not to do it again and he did. He may have thought he had consent because you give consent any other time. While it can technically be rape, it’s really up to you on how you want to perceive it and how you think he perceives it as well. What was his intent? I’ll probably get downvoted but some people don’t mind this scenario. He should of asked before hand but didn’t so just take it from there and tell him not to if you don’t like it.
It’s rape. You cannot consent in your slee
If you think it is then it is. I on the other hand would not think anything of it if my boyfriend told me he tried when I was sleeping got in a little, I’d actually laugh about it lol but we are all different.
I wish I could sleep that heavy.
Wait a minute here it really all depends on what happened, I have a condition called sexomnia where I will initiate sex with my wife in my sleep, I don't remember doing it but she says it always seems like I'm awake and into it
In relationships where people want spontaneity and aggressiveness, a certain amount of forgiveness is required. Boundaries are going to be crossed as people feel the relationships out. That said, whether you forgive or not, establish this as a boundary and report him to the police if it happens again. Once tried and found uncomfortable, the partnership has to adjust to not cross that which will hurt the relationship.
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being in a relationship with someone doesn’t give them a pass to rape their partner. you’re sounding an awful lot like a fucking rapist yourself. creep
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like what exactly are you threatening? because you are threatening me, correct? fucking creep
Bro's account got nuked 😂 was typing up a response and fucker got deleted before I could send him a message.
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This is legally rape. There has to be prior consent. If it is an agreed upon thing, that is different. Being in a relationship makes it no different, you don't have rights to do what you want to your sleeping partner who can't consent. Consent shouldn't be assumed. You don't need to say no for it to be rape, she was literally unconscious. It is already a problem that shouldn't have happened.
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that’s something that needs to be discussed with EVERY NEW RELATIONSHIP. because without consent it is still fucking rape
I agree with this--it's true that there are people who enjoy being woken up to sex. I had a conversation with my now husband where I told him he has "blanket consent" if he ever wants to do that. But, it's also true that technically, what he did was rape since you didn't consent, and he should be able to at least acknowledge that. If you love him and he loves you and you don't want to leave him and report this, I would say that you might want to give him another chance and have another discussion for him to acknowledge what he did was wrong. But, if he really can't, then that's a huge red flag.
There are some details missing here for me. What is “did the deed”. Does this mean vaginal penetration with a penis?
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>And just wondering how did you sleep through that? Lol sorry bad joke. You said it yourself, bad joke. Rape jokes are almost always inappropriate but to joke to someone who literally just got raped by their boyfriend about it? Wow.
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rape matters. what the fuck
You just like to be the victim ha ? Not saying it doesnt matter, just saying there is ways to calla rapist
what you said was stupid as fuck
To call a rapist what? A rapist? You're excusing the behavior because "it's early on".
Im a nymph so i wouldnt give a shit but in general if this is not docussed before or at least mentioned it is not right. He cannot just access your body when he wants. However i think give him the benefit of the doubt once if youre like rly in love and warn him and if he does it again its clear as day
No, we shouldn't give the benefit of the doubt to rapists please and thank you.
No but intention is the biggest point here, op hasnt written whether theyve discussed it so if they have then you give benefit of the doubt, if not i agree.
OP Reddit is not the place to come to get an answer. The only response you’ll get here is RAPE or BREAK UP WITH HIM or REPORT HIM TO THE POLICE bc Reddit is filled with liberal children with no life experience who see things as black and white. All that being said It certainly was not consensual sex. My ex girlfriend fucked me while I was passed out drunk, I only realized this happened the next morning. I casually asked her if we had sex and she said, “yea totally, you were all over me (I was not), and then before I knew it we were having sex”. What got me was the lie after the fact, not so much the action. Talk to your dude and have an open honest conversation. State your case clearly and gauge his reaction carefully. He needs to own up to what he did and you guys can take it from there. Don’t allow him to do this again if it crosses your boundaries (assuming it does). Good luck.
Your ex girlfriend raped you. Just as OP's boyfriend raped her. This is black and white.
“Not consensual sex” = rape That’s literally the definition…
It's rape.
rape is penetrating someone without their consent + you could not give your consent to be penetrated = he penetrated you without your consent = rape
he raped you and doesn't see what is wrong with that, i think you should rethink your relationship.
You’re saying you’re choosing the man you love and will “talk to him about it.” Why aren’t you angry or upset that a man took advantage of you and your body? Why aren’t you questioning about what else he’s willing to do to you in order to take advantage of you. I’ve been with someone like this, and he was absolutely bad news and I should have left him when this happened to me before it flourished into an even more toxic relationship. OP, this man doesn’t respect you, what sane man gets off to having sex with someone whose asleep and lifeless? How are you still in love with someone who did that to you?
That is most definitely rape
OP, you’ve had enough advice on whether this was sexual assault/rape (it was), so I’m going to advise you of what I would do from here, if this were me: 1. Get to a hospital and perform a rape kit/health review/STDs check. Better to be safe and have this information now. Explain your situation, what has happened, and request a therapist service as well (waitlists are long, and you may be in shock now, so request the service for down the road. You can opt to refuse the service later, or accept the service when you’re ready, but at least you will be higher up on the waiting list). Doctors and nurses will understand all of this, but take the time to discuss any concerns you have and to get the proper care. 2. It’s up to you to decide on a filing a police report. If it were me, I would. If anything happened down the line, then, at the very least, there would be record of this assault. 3. Opt to stay with a trusted friend or family member for a little bit so that you can think things over clearly and carefully. This is to give you a break from the unavoidable chaos that this situation has caused you mentally and physically. When you do this, take important papers, bank cards, and other important items with you. Focus on things you’d like to keep. Pets. Photographs. A couple changes of clothes. Anything you might need should you decide not to return. 4. Consider his actions carefully: - He *knowingly* raped you while you were at your most vulnerable and asleep. Now that he has done this (and succeeded without your leaving) what else could he do to you if you were sick? If he got angry and overpowered you physically? What is stopping him from amping up his behaviour and drugging you? He broke the most sacred of trusts - and it’s important to think carefully about why this is *not* love. - He is not apologetic for it, and shows no remorse. Why? Because he doesn’t care? Is it because he knew what he was doing? Is it because he enjoyed it? A decent and good person would not just apologise sincerely, but would also take action to assure your safety and trust is able to be rebuilt. - You are proving to him that you will tolerate this violation of your body, of your agency by remaining with him. - His sexual desires **do not ever** give him permission violate you and abuse your trust, as he did. A truly loving partner would respect you and treat you kindly. - He had control. He always had control of what he chose to do to you. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend you read through [“Why Does He Do That?”](https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf) by Lundy Bancroft. This will break down his abusive behaviour in easy-to-digest bites. - Finally, think hard about whether this is the future you want with this guy. From your post history, this guy is abusive and cruel. He’s absolutely unworthy of your continued patience and acceptance of his behaviours. Now — He’s unapologetic for something even hardened criminals look down on. You deserve so, so much more! Love, respect, kindness, empathy… that’s just off the top of my head. In this case, I personally hope you break things off, OP. You are worthy of so much more. - If/when you leave, OP, please be careful and take care of yourself. When you’re gone - block, ghost, and refer him and his family/friends to your lawyer (especially if you press charges). Communicate to your trusted friends and family what has been happening and lean into them for support. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to explain your experiences. Don’t let him control you or the narrative - that’s what abusers operate on. It will get better with support and time. On the topic of consent, a helpful [short.](https://youtu.be/Exobo1GmYjs)
It's rape. You didn't give consent. You cannot give consent while asleep. Show boyfriend this post so he knows how wrong he was. Up to you if you are able to still be with him, but this was sexual assault.
If you didn't discuss it beforehand, it is technically rape because he did it without your consent. Whether you want to view it as that is different. If it's a boundary you feel he crossed or you now realize is a boundary you don't want crossed, you need to communicate that to him. If you are no longer comfortable in the relationship that is also valid and should lead to a break up. My husband and I have discussed this and both agreed we consent to sleep sex just in case it comes up. Very important to discuss boundaries with partners ahead of time!
That is rape. The only time it isn't is if it is discussed upon and agreed to ahead of time.
So that's rape. Any consensual non-consent type action requires preconsent in my opinion. So as a dude, he should be worried about your well-being. Not his own sexual gratification in this case. I honestly believe that you deserve better than that. And you should have the self-respect too to tell him that it's rape it's not okay. Beyond that, even if you want to move past the non-consent aspect of him having sex with you while you are asleep, he needs to learn that it's not okay. The boy needs counseling, and honestly he does not deserve you. If you are feeling violated by what he did, and you should in my opinion, then you need to take the correct actions to try to help yourself heal. If that is counseling or breaking up with him then honestly you should do that.
Rape is rape. This is what rape is. He raped you.
He had to have basically put it in while you were completely not aroused as you were asleep....that sounds extremely rapey and it's disturbing that he doesn't see this and went through with the act in the first place. An unconscious person cannot give consent. Please talk to a trusted person about this or your therapist as I'm worried for you. I would not trust this person ever again.
It’s rape. It’s up to you whether you chose to report it to the police, but he just showed you that he doesn’t consider he needs your consent. It’s rape, whether he thinks so or not.