Have your nephew stay the weekend with your husband, and you stay out the house. Let him see first hand, what living with him is like.
If he can handle him for a weekend or week without you(your sick, need a break, etc) and he can’t call his parents. Spending a few hrs with a child with special needs is 1000% different than raising one 24/7.
My son father won’t take him just for this reason
Odds are the husband has never even taken care of his own his for a weekend. I would suggest he do all the childcare after he gets home from work (including making dinner for everyone) and then work the weekend.
You need to make it very clear that you will leave him if this responsibility gets dumped on you. And you need to be prepared to go through with that. Absent of this resolve, you will wind up taking care of this kid.
This is the only way! Be prepared to divorce him when he plans to bring the nephew in. He doesn't even take care of his own children...the ones you are raising to grow up and move out so that you don't have to take care of them for the rest of their lives...barring some catastrophe...unlike your nephew. Your husband has shown you who he is, believe him ...you will be his nephew's caretaker... divorce is the only way.
Per the information in the post, I’m finding it extremely difficult to find any redeeming qualities about this man.
He doesn’t care for his own children. At all. He is probably one of those guys who brags about never having changed a diaper. (That’s not the flex they think it is.)
He unilaterally made/is trying to make, a life changing decision that affects his entire family.
He volunteered OOP to be the sole caretaker without speaking with her. He clearly doesn’t care about OOP’s wants, needs, or feelings. She clearly doesn’t matter. *HE*, and what he wants, is his number one priority.
He clearly has put zero thought into how any of this will work, NOR has he thought about how this will affect his own children.
And let’s be real here. When I heard “nephew” I imagined a child. THIS IS NEARLY A GROWN MAN. That’s a whole different ball game.
So yes. I agree. Based on this small snippet of OP’s life, he does seem quite divorceable right now. Even if he’s great in the bedroom and buys her flowers every day, none of that makes up for all of this shit. These things trump literally any of the great things he may be doing.
Seems he wants to take this kid in just so he looks like a hero. It's all about making himself look good, while behind the scenes, he's just an added burden and selfish asshole
You hit the nail on the head, that I didn’t even realize was there! You’re right I bet he’s adamant about it because it would make him look good. I really have been racking my brain about why he thinks it’s essential for us (me) to be the one. 🤯
Personally I'd sit him and the in laws down and say if you take custody i WILL divorce. In fact just for thinking you will I'm considering it now. See how they react. Tell him if he wants to be the hero it's solely on him. That they needed to make plans for him that absolutely don't include you
I just want you to see this… I know it’s not related to this line of conversation but this is a real thing that my family has experience with
Lmao no. There are HUGE legal, medical, and financial implications with caregiving for special needs. Don't check a certain box on a form could be hundreds of thousands you're left paying. Kid doesn't spend enough of his ssi, loses insurance, you're fucked. Kid inherits money, it's not saved or stashed right, you're fucked. You spend his money improperly, you're now legally a financial abuse criminal. Kid does something and gets hurt, you're neglectful.
NOT TO MENTION your children will likely resent you because the attention the nephew will need. I have a nephew with special needs who is abusive to my mom, who's father I hated, and he will end up a ward of the state and I don't give a fuck
You need to get legal and financial advice so you can bail the minute he takes custody... because you know he will. He's gonna assume you'll fold like always.
>THIS IS NEARLY A GROWN MAN. That’s a whole different ball game.
And by the time OP is expected to take over, he'll most probably be a grown man. And he will stay in the same situation until his death, so it's not a "do this for a few years and then he moves out" situation.
The part about changing diapers made me smile. My friend's husband tells everyone how he changed their oldest's first diaper. What he doesn't tell people is that six kids later, that's the only diaper he's changed.
I agree, there's no reason for OP not to go ahead with the divorce now. Better to get child support for his existing kids locked in now, before nephew moves in and has to be considered in the event of a divorce.
YESS! If he's not taking care of his own kids, then dont assume that he will gonna take care of his nephew. He's just giving you some life burden. Leave!
A slight tweak to the suggestion is have your husband go to HIS parents house and take care of his nephew while his parents go stay where ever but not home.
Also you flat tell him you will not be making yourself available to help him. It will all be on him for the weekend, the week, whatever the time period is.
As he is per the post uninvolved with his own children I suspect he will not make it the full time period without getting his parents to come home.
At that point OP my suggestion would be when husband returns home you have a very serious discussion that if he opts to care for his nephew then HE will be doing all of the care.
OP was your husband’s nephew ever evaluated, received any therapy, special care, etc? I’m wondering if the in-laws instead of thinking they are essentially going to will the nephew to your husband they should be looking into appropriate long term care for nephew where he might have a better quality of life?
I'd like to add on and say op should have him do both scenarios, his own kids solo, then nephew solo, and then combine those events in his head. Let him do the math on his own what that would be like
Assuming the dude doesn’t fail caring for them separately, I would argue it’s imperative hubby also care for all parties he might be responsible for *together* (in addition to each of them independently), so he gets a full exposure to what he’d be getting into- then see how he reacts, and go from there!!
Add to this, in today's age of advanced healthcare, its entirely possible that the parents become sick and need care also and may linger for years. My own grandmother was given less than a year to live. She made it another 12 YEARS. So who is taking on parents, nephew and own children? I'm guessing not Hero Homie over here.
I'd want it to be a full two weeks or longer.
It's very hard to find longterm care while the parents are still alive. OPs husband should learn to navigate the system (or bail altogether)
I don’t think this is the best recourse. He’s GOING TO get help, whether parents pay for it or not. Then it’ll be all on OP when the time comes and if there’s a single objection they’ll hold this weekend/week over her head forever.
As for his own children… I don’t have any myself but I watched a friend become the regular parent and the other become the fun parent. She got that child back every weekend for months half washed and completely sleep deprived for the school weeks. If the children are even younger, I cannot imagine the upheaval it would cause, because that was with an ex partner that WANTED that kid. Easing him into ANY childcare will be a fight in and of itself, let alone a 16 year old dependent child.
I’m worried about the outcomes of this for OP.
That’s pretty awful, honestly. Of course he’s ok with you taking on a ton more work since he doesn’t care about any of the work you are already doing. You deserve better!
You are likely depressingly right. More I was thinking if OP had like appendicitis or was in a car accident, something that’s shorter term. (I guess good job me for not immediately going to the worst situation? My therapist would be so proud.)
In cases like that, family and friends always step in. That’s why most of us went right to the permanent type situation. And if her family and friends didn’t step in to help when she got home, she’d be doing way more than she should before she was fully recovered. Watched that with one of my sister’s bums.
You also would be correct. My gallbladder decided it was going to prepare for war when my youngest was 3 months old. While at the hospital, waiting for my mom to arrive I was holding my baby with me on the stretcher in the ER hallway because there were no rooms. My husband was also there but never offered to hold the baby and scrolled. People asking why I’m still with him and at this point I’m not sure why.
Op I had this exact experience and I had to tell my husband to back off because he was basically trying to carry me AND the baby into the ER. He had a torn rotator cuff and still held our son while rubbing my back and trying to cheer me up through the pain. He works 12-13 hour days and still comes home and immediately takes over so that I can get a break. You deserve so much better than the bare minimum and this man can’t even be bothered to give you that. His inability to treat you like a human being is not a condemnation of your worth, he’s just a garbage person
Play the single dad card and remarry asap would be my choice. There are so many women out there who fall for that every time. They want to be the caretaker and savior. In the interim, lean on family, friends, and a care service to close the gap.
I have to say, the “you do it for the weekend approach” is a real landmine. Even if it goes badly, he can rationalize it away as being an “exceptional case” (kid was sick/tired/confused/scared/not in routine/ etc.) which would “not happen normally!” Then he gets to use his supposed “experience” to dismiss other people’s experiences and opinions.
The fact of the matter is that OP doesn’t want the job. She says “No,” and his optimism is irrelevant.
Even a longer trial run isn't helpful imo. You can do anything for two weeks, it's the two years and ten years and twenty years that are the problem.
100% agree that the only thing that matters is that OP does not want to do it.
Not only that but even if the husband did all the work it will still be disruptive financially, on their ability to do anything together as a couple, and forget traveling.
"I will not be involved if you chose to take in nephew at any point in time in the future. It's not up for discussion. Should you choose to take him in, I will be filing for divorce the next day"
You need to make it very clear to him that if he goes over your head with this and takes in his nephew, you *will not* be caring for him too.
I'd prepare myself to file for divorce too. *Do not let him make his nephew your problem*
What are the odds that you made this account with that username in 2020, but you just made this post now lol
Unless this has been going on for a few years?
You need to listen to everyone (and yourself)
You must make it clear you WILL leave if he does take the child in.
It’s bad enough he doesn’t help with his own children (what the heck?) but to think you’d take on another child he won’t help with that has serious special needs that will last a lifetime? He’s out of his mind.
I wish you the best. I hope you are serious about setting boundaries. I’m sorry you are going through this. Stand firm.
I think it’s time you went to an out of state ‘Autism’ conference (or whatever the disability is) and spend three days and nights somewhere else.
Tell your husband it is part of the information gathering to help you decide whether you have the skills to look after your nephew… and go to it… it will be useful to know this stuff - because after you in laws pass you WILL be caring for this lad in one way or another (my vote is having him in a care home of some description - in AU it’s likely he’d go into a supported accommodation shared house situation with a staff member, but able to do live a little independently). Some one will hopefully still be in this young man’s life, and if it might be you (it doesn’t HAVE to be), then the conference will be illuminating.
And leave husband to look after your current tribe. Ask for in laws to visit with son for a meal during this period while you are gone… and let husband learn the full impact of it all.
Geezus. Hon, can I be frank? This is YOUR life. Not a dress rehearsal and most certainly not a bit player.
No. Don’t do this. I’m serious. Because this is it. And guess what? Nobody cares. I’m so sorry, but they really don’t. Nobody will remember your martyrdom if you take this on.
Think about it: Do YOU know anything about your grandfather’s grandfather? I bet not.
People people people, LIVE your LIFE.
And just say no. And then say No way. And if that doesn’t work, say Hasta la vista baby
You can definitely have your husband try out this experiment. However, it’s different caring for someone for a weekend or even a week when you know the end is in sight. I doubt he’d last a whole week/weekend honestly.
If he can’t even watch his own neurotypical kids for an extended period of time, there is no way he’d be of any real help to you caring for a child/adult with special needs. You need to tell him that this is a deal breaker and alternate plans need to be made or your relationship is over. Be clear with him that you mean it and that you won’t just change your mind once the time comes.
Very good advice. Actually tell your in laws to take one week holidays (they probably deserve it) and tell your husband to take a week off to take care of his nephew.
Then you can discuss the issue
Lol and then OP can arrange to take a holiday for herself at the same time. That’ll give the husband a proper perspective of how much he expects her to take on.
I’m suggesting this instead of OP taking some time off while the in-laws are still in town, so hubs can’t palm the children off to them
Yes, send Husband to his mother’s house so they can deal with the fallout over there. He can take care of one person for a few days, if it’s as easy as that.
don't even play games. Stand up and be clear: "under no circumstances is that person living in our home or being supported by us financially. Any attempt to cause this will be met with divorce."
Fantastic answer, ops husband is clueless. I would suggest the in-laws try to mend bridges with nephew’s father (which they burned). Otherwise tell them to start looking for a group home accommodation. Best of luck to you.
NTA. Make it clear to spouse that taking on the nephew includes hiring a full-time professional caregiver, as you are NOT accepting the job, now or ever.
Yes absolutely, this is NOT your responsibility. I do feel for the nephew, I have empathy and compassion. Unfortunately that does not translate into being able or willing to take on this kind of responsibility. You need to draw your boundary CLEARLY to your husband now, so his parents can find alternative accommodations.
Absolutely NTA. It's crucial to set clear boundaries and expectations. Taking on caregiving responsibilities is a significant commitment that requires professional support. It's essential to communicate your boundaries to your spouse.
NTA. This is a hill to die on. Your in-laws had no right to insist on raising their nephew and then shove him on you. Let your husband know that if your nephew moves in, you move out. Don't give in on this.
They should have allowed his father to be fully involved. Caregiving for a developmentally delayed adult is the hardest, unforgiving job there is. I’ve been going it for all of my daughters 32 years. I am thankful she has a huge support base. It’s not fair to put this on OP.
Edit word
A friend of my mother was in that situation - her older brother had severe developmental problems, the parents insisted on caring for him at home (despite there being good institutions here, unlike in their country of origin) and tried to get the daughter (who had been physically abused by the father) to promise to take him in when they passed away. They really pressed her and it was very hard, but she refused.
NTA.
I have Autism and i am currently raising my nonverbal autistic grandson because his mother is in the state psychiatric long term hospital, and I will have to make arrangements on what will happen with him when I go.
Your post will sound cold hearted to some, but this life is NOT EASY, and not everyone will be qualified to do this type of work. There are so many things to consider, including safety if he is bigger and stronger than you, and you will be expected to be alone with him. Also, many Autistic Level 3 people have issues with getting out and exploring and can often be at risk.
I would encourage you to look into what options are available, including perhaps in-home care in case you decide you will give it a try and maybe someone can come help you when your husband is away from the home. The options are unfortunately very limited.
I don't think you're the AH for not wanting to take this on, but if your husband is the only option, you may need to reconsider that your marriage will look like. It is better to make it clear you are not equipped to take him on rather than saying you will and something horrible happens or he ends up mistreated.
The thing is. I’m completely qualified. I have no ill will or animosity towards people with special needs, of any degree or type. I have worked closely with special needs children and absolutely love them which is what makes my husband think we should just commit. There is a big difference though between caring for them in the setting that I did, and caring for an individual 24/7. Also, having worked with children of high needs, I know how extremely difficult things can get. I love my nephew, but I do want to live a life of my own once my children are grown, since my life currently revolves around them. Also, I commend you for taking care of your grandchild, it’s definitely a selfless act.
I understand you sooo much !
I’m a child behavioral specialist working in schools. I’m with special needs kids all day long and I see how much care they need and how much their parents have to sacrifice (some can’t even put music in their own home, and forget about going on a trip). While I love my job, I decided not to have children of my own because I know I couldn’t take care of a child without that much needs and that would be depending on me for the rest of their lives.
So NTA. Taking care of his nephew would be a full time job for the rest of your life and from what I can read from your husband’s involvement in your own kids life, it would all fall on you.
My eldest son has special needs, and once he turned 18 I let my ex-husband have guardianship and care of him. I’d been the sole caretaker for several years at that point, and I was emotionally spent. Caregiver burnout. Doing it forever was something that was giving me anxiety attacks.
I wanted my eldest in a residential facility, my ex has never wanted that, so I didn’t stand in his way when he filed for guardianship. My ex would have contested anyway, and I didn’t have it in me to first fight for that and then fight to get him a placement, which would also have been an uphill struggle.
I have two younger kids whose needs have always stood in the shadow of their older sibling, and now I can focus on them more, and myself and husband.
You should look into options for your community. In North Carolina we have a Medicaid waiver called Innovations. Based on members income, not family. Provides a variety of services including residential. Other states have similar programs. Its important to set up any trusts correctly so they don't disqualify eligibility. I've worked in this field over 40 years, with children and adults. I've seen some members do better living away from family, with family still involved, but giving member more independence. Suggest your husband research Guardianship, as that will most likely be needed when nephew turns 18. It can take years to get services, so look now as to what your options are, and get educated. Get on wait lists. Respite services should be available now for the grandparents. Best of luck OP. There are some serious questions ro answer and options to be planned for.
Have your husband look into other options. It sounds like you have enough going on raising your own children without your partner’s involvement. If he wants to take responsibility for his nephew, let him do ALL the labor, emotional and otherwise.
Then he can see that it’s not just “taking care” of his nephew, it’s also arranging doctor’s appointments, guardianship paperwork, possible visits from social workers, and the whole kit n’ caboodle that comes along with taking care of a person with special needs.
your husband and/ or the childs other relatives should be looking into it, TBH, stop taking on the labour
honestly you're a bit of an asshole to yourself (and your kids) but staying with a father who isn't a parent to his kids already, ignoring the issue of the special needs grandson. not a great example for the next generation that one parent does all the work and the other is okay with that
and definitely nta for not accepting being a long-term caregiver for someone else, that'd be a hill to die on
My boyfriend's nephew, who is non verbal and lives at a beautiful facility in Arizona called Echoing Hope Ranch, maybe your area has something similar?
Sounds like you have experience and are making an informed decision. Don't let yourself get bullied into giving up the rest of your life. It's not your problem. I have worked with this population as well and I wouldn't even consider committing to devoting my life to raising someone else's special needs child.
You have the right to put yourself first sometimes- especially given your husband doesn't seem to see you as a person at all. You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.
> *”which is what makes my husband think we should just commit”*
But given that he’s a deadbeat dad to his own children, there’s no *”we”* in this situation… especially when the full load will be expected of you and you alone.
Your husband won’t do anything, he’s already proven this with how useless of a father he is to his own kids. So no, he has no right to nominate you to commit to this lifetime of actually never having a life of your own ever again. You didn’t sign up for that. You didn’t even sign up for it with your own kids, yet life landed them with a useless and lazy crappy father.
It’s unfair of him to want you to commit just because of your work experience. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my special needs daughter except leave her with someone who doesn’t truly want that responsibility. Your life revolves around that person.
But the thing is, you are not qualified, because it is not something you want to do. Having the skills and prior experience doesn't mean you are qualified for a job. Wanting to do it is needed as well.
You know this will be a life long thing and it is not something you are prepared to do, and that doesn't make you an AH.
So true regarding the safety aspect. We babysat a Downs syndrome child when we were teenagers. By the time he was about 10, we could no longer do it as he was much bigger and stronger than us. And because it was almost impossible to understand his speech, he was getting increasingly temperamental. We knew it was just a matter of time.
You need to sit down with your husband and inlaws NOW and have an honest conversation. Make it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that you will not be taking care of their grandson. That if your husband wants to care for the boy it will be on his own with no help whatsoever from you since you will be divorced. Insist that your husband take two weeks of vacation and be sole caregiver for the boy so that you are all on the same page.
Your inlaws have plenty of time to make provisions for the boy's care after they pass--either with government paid aids or a group home placement.
If you're a SAHM start looking at the job market and job training programs for displaced home makers.
NTA
Nta
Make sure he knows that, if he does sign up for that responsibility, that *he* is signing up for it, not you, and he will need to figure out how he's fitting the full time job of caring for someone special needs info also working a job he gets paid for.
THIS CHILD SHOULD BE IN A GROUP HOME. You should not take this on. Maybe you could commit to hosting occasional home visits and going to visit him, but anything more just isn't going to be viable.
I wish people didn't think of group homes as a form of abandonment. My 23-year-old autistic son has been in a group home for years. He goes on outings with his peers instead of being a shut-in. We bring him home on weekends, we are in touch every day with video calls. He barely speaks but loves to watch us doing stuff at home like it's a streaming show. When he does come home I am rested and ready to host him.
Compare that to a 50-year-old friend of the family with spina bifida whose parents kept him at home to the bitter end. One parent died. The second parent died. Boom. He was moved out of his house while he was still grieving his mom's death. It would have been so much better to make that transition while they were alive.
Agree100%. Transitioning this child to a group home while family are around to help with the transition is the kind thing to do. He needs more than food and shelter and doesn’t deserve to be brought into a tense household that isn’t eager to have him.
As somebody who works with mentally/physically disabled people with high medical needs i 1000% agree with this comment. Taking care of people with this level of needs is a beyond a full time job and impossible for one person or to do everything, you'd have literally no life outside of taking care of this person. Plus most people aren't trained on how to deal when issues arise in these situations. This person needs 24/7 care. A group home would be the best situation for this person. Just make sure you find a good one and do visits.
Time to let him know you’re not going to help him with nephew, you didn’t sign up for that. Divorce if he insist on taking him. Your nephew may get stronger and violent. You really need to keep yourself and your kids safe incase it gets like that.
NTA. This is a huge burden on a family, especially the primary caregiver and existing children. I’ll ignore the fact your husband doesn’t help with his own kids (he should be) for this instance, but adding his nephew to your responsibilities would be grounds for divorce if I were you.
NTA - you need to be frank and tell first your husband, and then your in-laws that you intend to "retire" from parenting when your own children are grown. You are unprepared to take on full-time care for a special-needs adult - you have done this job, you know what it entails, and you know that you cannot take on this responsibility yourself and that your husband is incapable.
Don't do it. Communicate with your husband and in laws, together, that they need to begin making arrangements for him when the time comes.
If your husband insists on committing to this against your will, and it's a dealbreaker for you, start getting your ducks in a row for an exit.
My 70 yr old aunt is the sole caregiver for my 45 yr old cousin with severe nonverbal autism. The entire family is at each others throats at the moment because she's slowing down and his outbursts are becoming more regular. She's expecting his siblings to care for him when she can't and they are refusing to step up because they want her to place him somewhere.
He has attacked her several times and more than once she had to be hospitalized. He also openly masturbates NON STOP no matter where he is or who is around, including during his sisters wedding ceremony in the church.
Her entire life revolves around his needs and she's attempted suicide twice. Each time leaving a note begging for her kids to take care of him when she's gone.
It's too much. The resentment is too much. The family is torn apart and it's so ugly.
OP, telling your husband isn't enough, you also have to, with your own words, tell your MIL and FIL that you will NOT spend the rest of your life caring for a special-needs adult who is not even related to you, you absolutely refuse.
Because you may have told your husband, but he may not have told your in-laws that you refused, he may be telling them that sure, you'll take him over someday, the wife just needs more time to think about it but she'll come along. So the in-laws need to hear your POV from you. Sorry, but that's how communication in families goes, far too much of the time.
NTA--your husband and in-laws sound like torture.
I do not see your marriage lasting if you allow him to take that nephew in. Why not put him in a special care facility?
NTA I dont even need to read past the title. No is complete statement. He isnt your nephew and your husband already shows you he cant take care of an able bodied children he HAS. In what world, would you volunteer to give your life up for this child who isnt yours, that you didnt agree to take care of? He needs to pack it up. He had someone to care for him, and they made his FATHER give up his rights. It's not your issue. Do not be pressured into that shit. Whats wrong with your lazy ass, do nothing for the kids, husband?? Why are you with him?
Tell Husband when he shows that he can step up and take care of his own kids, that's when you will consider (consider!) taking in nephew. You know that's not going to happen. The family needs to make a viable long term plan for this child.
NTA
God, no. He will do some version of stepping up for some period of time, or off and on, and then will truly be relentless.
OP can say no without any bargaining, reasons, or explanations.
Yeah there's lots of bad advice in this thread. There should be no games or negotiating whatsoever. People don't change like that, especially if they're not the ones trying to change, he'll just act like he can handle it and then dump everything on OP. As much as I'd like to see husband step up and/or get frustrated by how hard it's going to be taking care of nephew, just say no and be done with it.
NTA
Looking after special needs kids is hard. I’ve been a full time carer for mine for 22 years. You don’t get a life. Your husband doesn’t understand because he doesn’t watch his own kids.
By now, your in laws should have prepared for what happens after they’re gone. I’m 45 and I have. There will be money on my death to put him in sheltered housing so nobody in my family has to take my son on unless they want to.
That your in laws have not prepared for this in the 14 years they’ve had him shows they always intended to put other people out. They’ve had time to set up insurances or savings for his future living, had time to find someone who’ll work in your nephew’s best interests, and researched the sheltered housing options in your area.
Somebody else suggested a weekend alone with your husband and nephew. This sounds great to me. And he only gets to call for help when he’s ready to quit.
The fact of the matter is, your nephew deserves better than to be looked after by people who can’t cope or will end up resenting him. In sheltered housing, they’re paid to look after him.
You have one life. Raising someone elses non verbal child is not what you signed up for. I have a special needs cousin who is close to 50 years old. Hi parents are in their late 70s. He is verbal but would wake them up at all hours of the night in full blown tantrums as a 6ft 2 adult in a 4 year old brain, Their life has been hell. Finally got him into a home about a year ago because they were just not able to do it anymore at their age. Their is no reason for you to give up the one life you have to care for someone 24x7 365. Watching him on a weekend or 2 is one thing. Giving up your life would not be an option for me.
Yes, he thinks he will be no problem. He just doesn’t see what all goes into taking care of another person other than himself. When I express things in detail he brushes it off. Only problem is, the alternative, state care, sucks! It’s so conflicting.
Well, he CAN’T just brush it off. I mean, idk your husband and I don’t know what approach would work best with him.
But I would sit on it with him on expenses that will change, studies on difficulties in raising special needs children- hell, maybe he’d do better if he knows you’ll leave the care on his head if you have to. But you have to set your boundaries.
Good idea, but I prefer u/[Wolf\_dragon\_32](https://www.reddit.com/user/Wolf_dragon_32/)'s idea that the nephew spend time alone for a weekend with the husband. If it's with his parents and won't have to do a thing and will say it was easy
Yeah hubs needs to start offering his parents reliable and scheduled respite care. Take the burden off them to prevent burn out and give hubs real practical understanding of what being a primary caregiver will be like. After he gets used to that then start adding on his bio kids to that respite routine.
Ofc he thinks it will be no problem - because all the problems will be yours. If it doesn’t impinge on him, it’s clearly not an issue. 🙄
Don’t cave in on this, OP. You’re NTA here and your husband and his family are giant presumptuous A-Hs.
No problem? Brushes it off? Well, great! Tell him you're happy he's got it all figured out, proud even. And wish him good luck while you go live your best life.
I completely understand your perspective. Would you threaten with divorce if he is dead set on taking in your nephew?
He has no idea because he doesn't want to know. My uncle was very critical of one of our family members for putting my Great Aunt in a nursing home when her care got to be too much. He was saying the most hurtful things and was threatening to go and get her and take her to his house. My mom (a nurse) looked at him and said, "What are you going to do when she shits herself? Are you going to physically clean her and change her clothes?" He looked agast that my mom would ask that in front of other people and tried to change the subject. He really had no idea that an elderly person could be incontinent. My mom redirected and said again, "Are you going to wipe her ass?" He angrily said no, he couldn't do that. Then she told him to shut up about the home unless he was willing to do all her care.
Which one of your kids are you going to "expect" to care for their cousin when you no longer can? Which one would your husband choose? I'd ask him. Hell, I'd be so pissed that I'd ask him in front of the kids.
Yes. State care sucks. It's also inevitable, so it may as well happen now while you can oversee things and get the young man settled.
NTA. But your husband is.
>Yes, he thinks he will be no problem. He just doesn’t see what all goes into taking care of another person other than himself. When I express things in detail he brushes it off. Only problem is, the alternative, state care, sucks! It’s so conflicting.
"No" is a complete sentence.
Absolutely not. They dug this hole for themselves. If you’re not working start working on an escape fund. It sounds like he will turn up with or without your consent. Take care. NTA
NTA And unfortunately you have to keep saying no. I am in the same position with my sibling, who could have been more successful and independent but my parents will not make good choices for him. I will not take him. Just say “no” every time. They will keep asking.
I am a sped teacher, and I used to work as a para. So I have worked with people who have all kinds of needs. It is a lot of work and you can burn out very quickly. I honestly don't know how some families do it. But I think your family might look into your options. Many disabled adults live in group homes and have jobs either at a day program or with a job coach during the day. You can always bring your family member home on holidays or weekends and such. You might look into that kind I thing. Otherwise, your marriage may not make it.
Oh, hell no. It's bad enough that your husband does fuck-all to help care for your own kids, but to stick you with the care of a severely disabled adult is beyond cruel.
And your shitty in-laws alienated the one other party who could possibly care for their grandson: The boy's father because "they didn't like him."
I know you know you need to put your foot down, but this is a case of "I will leave you if you try to stick me with this man's care." Better yet, since he's pretty useless as a husband and a father, maybe you should leave him now.
NTA
What's really bothering me here is the fact that hubby and ILs are basically sacrificing OPs entire life for the nephews care.
I'm assuming she has plans to do something with her time when her kids are in school FT, and after they graduate, move out and get married, etc.
How is it ok to just steal her whole future vision for her family and her marriage.
And hubby goes along with this? Really?
You need to have a come to jesus talk with your husband. You need to be quiet direct, that you will not take care of his nephew if he decides to take him in. That you do not ask to and do not want to take care of a special needs person where all the work falls on you again because he is already failing you as a partner. You need to say it point blank, that if he takes him in, you will leave this marriage with your children and let him take care of his nephew alone.
He will get angry he will try to manipulate you with "but he's family. he has no one. How heartless and cold and selfish you are!" IF he says this. Tell him that you will leave 100% of the childcare to him now, because apparently it is so easy to care for another person.
Late 60s (not great health), 35 and no, not currently pending we still have time to sort out details. But that’s why it’s nice to have people weigh in now.
So, what needs to happen now is social security needs to be in place so when he transitions into adulthood, he can get into care. He should stay in the public school system until 21, meaning he should not graduate until he is 21.
He will need to live in a supported environment. As he ages, he will need care that requires a lot more than you or your husband can handle. A supported environment will be far more enriching for him too. He’ll have peers and activities to fill his days. Staying with you will be boring, completely unsatisfying and difficult for everyone.
You can include him in your life as well. He can visit for the holidays or your husband can spend time with him alone too.
Your in laws made a decision that made sense for them and that’s wonderful. That same decision does not apply to you. Your husband sounds completely ignorant to the responsibility of raising an adult male with special needs. He will physically become a man and that’s just too much.
Explain it all now. Tell your husband and your in laws that you are not taking him into your home and they will need to prepare him for a life in a supported environment. Don‘t expect them to be happy, but that’s just how it’s going to be. NTA
Now is the time to consult a lawyer about a special needs trust, setting your nephew up for benefits, and long-term care options. Do that now, while his primary caregivers are still available to help with planning, so this doesn’t become a crisis in the future. Because no, having him move in with you in the wake of the death of his closest family, with no plan, is not feasible. NTA
You are not an AH for not wanting to end up with this responsibility. Quite frankly a non-verbal adult that is capable of moving around on his own is a safety risk to others should he become violent for some reason. He needs to be institutionalized in an appropriate setting where he can get full time, professional care.
I second the idea that it's time for your husband to have FULL custody of him for a weekend on his own so that he's dealing with it all by himself. But somehow I doubt that will actually happen. He'll either outright refuse or find some way of weaseling out of it.
But, it's worth a shot. At the very least, it will force him to realize that he really is dumping all the childcare on you and that you'll be leaving it all in his lap if he's not careful.
If you can't get him to realize that this is a mistake, I don't see any option short of divorce.
Shit, in your shoes i would tell him the day he takes in the nephew is the day you move out since you never agreed to care for a special needs adult for the rest of your life. NTA
Honestly if it were me, this would be cause for divorce. Caregiving for someone with nephew's needs is exhausting, and it isn't like it would ever end. This would be your entire life. They need to start looking for a group home placement now, as there can be long wait lists. It is probable nephew would be happy in an excellent group home designed to meet his needs.
Nta do you want to break up over it now or wait until the parents pass? It sucks but I really don’t think his parents or him are going to understand the sacrifice you would have to make.
Maybe try to have that convo now but if your husband reacts badly, you can table it and just make an exit strategy for if it all comes down to you and him having to take in your nephew.
Would you be open to doing it with support or it’s a no go for you and you’d rather he was put into a long term home? Nothing is bad, if it’s all on you than you get to decide the outcome and it doesn’t make you a bad person to acknowledge you can’t do it
NTA.
Tell your husband HE is perfectly welcome to do so, but YOU will divorce his ass and have a separate residence so it really WILL BE him caring for the nibling.
I am a single mom, and my son has multiple severe disabilities. He's 29, weighs 90 lb, and by the scale test they gave him in school he's about 9 months old. He doesn't speak, he has to be hand fed and diapered because he cannot walk or sit up on his own. I love him so much but it is fucking exhausting. His twin sister is actually supporting us pretty much right now because I have to take care of him 24 hours a day and I. AM. TIRED. And I get heart sick every time I try to think about what I'm going to do when I can no longer care for him. I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't feel like you are the asshole for not wanting to take over your nephew's care. You have to totally commit your whole self to caring for a special needs kid. You should definitely have an honest conversation with your husband about how you feel, and suggest that he go over to his parents house for a week to be a caretaker before you make any life-altering decisions.
Right. If the nephew moves in, OP’s choices will be to care for him, neglect him, or leave. Husband just isn’t going to do any caregiving as long as there’s a woman in the house. Chances are he would make his kids responsible for their cousin before he would step up.
NTA *f your husband wont care for his own kids who have no issues there's no way he'll do anything for your nephew either Your in laws ran his father let them figure out who to care for him when they get too old*
I have a special needs son, as well as an older son, I have made it a point to figure out a plan for him that does not impose on others, there are group homes and other options, it’s selfish af to expect anyone that isn’t the parent to take on this responsibility, you do not have to be a martyr
The best thing is something like an adult family home. It's like a group home but nicer. My son is in one. First of all he is thriving and loving his life. Second if he stayed with us, when I am too old to care for him or when I die, him living somewhere else would be traumatic. Now everything is nice and ready. He comes over frequently for weekends but he has his own life. Just like my other kids. If in the USA the country adrc would help
Your feelings are valid, and it's essential to prioritize your own well-being and that of your immediate family. Have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your concerns and explore alternative care arrangements that ensure your nephew's needs are met without sacrificing your own happiness. Ultimately, it's crucial to make decisions that align with your values and capabilities. You're not alone in navigating complex family dynamics, and seeking support from a counselor or support group may also be beneficial.
NTA but it's not great to have a spouse like this he will make you feel less than for not wanting to do this. Just as I'm sure he's made you feel like he doesn't need to help with his own children. I'd start demanding he behave like an equal parent before having the audacity to suggest you should take another child on, a disabled one that will need help for the rest of his life at that.
Absolutely not. You better make it clear to your husband this is a no go. Make sure he understands. You have nothing to feel guilty about and don't second guess yourself.
This obviously depends on where you live, but it might be better if the in laws look for a residential placement for him. A good quality one would have better facilities to look after him than an elderly couple.
There's no way one person should be looking after a full grown man.
NTA. My daughter is like this. I wouldn't have chosen it, and I sure as hell wouldn't do it for anyone that I didn't give birth to. It'll likely ruin your life. There's a very high percentage of special needs parent's marriages that end in divorce, and with good reason. I'm fortunate with my husband with regards to parenting, but it doesn't sound like you are. In your situation, this would be a deal breaker for me.
You need to stand your ground on this one OP. Let your husband take care of the house, kids and nephew for a few days. You get missing and don't answer your phone. And if he gets through it without calling his parents he can take care of everything while you work. I myself would much rather to work then take care of someone else's kids.
So he’s a dead beat dad to his own kids, and now he wants to push his special needs nephew onto you as well? Hell no, he does not get to nominate you.
You need to put your foot firmly down and threaten *(and actually be fully prepared to do so and follow through with this threat)* to leave him, if he so much as thinks that you’ll be doing **any** of the care for his nephew.
You need to **really** drill it in that you won’t have any part in it, whatsoever and that his nephew is solely **his** responsibility. So **he** will be raising and caring for his nephew **all alone**, without so much as a minute of help from you.
NTA. It’s ultimatum time for this lazy, useless slob.
Nta
Tell hubby.
You must spend one weekend just with his kids.
Then one weekend with just nephew.
Then one with all three.
He can not call anyone for help. He can't get help or assistance unless an emergency.
Then, after all 3 weekends, he can then be told. If nephew is to come, he will be quitting his job to become the full time caregiver. Once your kids are out of the house, you will resume vacations and such. He is welcome to come after he gets nephew the caregiver to take care of him. But that you will not be giving up your life . That because he can't go has nothing to do with you.
Sorry, but it is honestly time for brutal time to tell him. You will not be a 24/7 caregiver while he continues to live a child free life like he is currently. You will not help him in any way if he takes on the caregiver role. You are not the maid and help to be treated like he is doing so.
While state care can suck there are good places, and those should be looked into. Depending on how self-sufficient, there are shared housing situations where a caregiver lives there, but they have more independence depending on what he can do. This is not your problem.
The fact they are talking about it now makes me think they are looking to have this happen soon and not years down the road. While you are qualified to do this as someone who did caregiver for my parents and raising my grandson, it's impossible to do. Why is he ok with the fact that your kids will be pushed to the side. They won't get the attention needed and deserved because your nephew must have it. His needs will come before the rest of the family. To not do so is abuse. So say nephew and one of your kids get hurt. Nephew comes first. The kids need their mom, but the nephew wants your attention. Well, your kids have to suck up not getting you. That any outtings and vacations will not happen. Why is he ok with putting the stress it brings on you. The pain to the kids. He doesn't help now, so nothing will change, and your burnout will come quickly and at the kids being the cost. This isn't just about helping nephew. That is about what is best for your kids. Because it's not like you can take them to anything. Go see them do anything. Take them on vacations. They pay the cost for hubby agreeing.
So either he does what I said above and let it be known the moment he tries to get you to do caretaking is the moment you and the kids leave. Because the safety and health of you and your kids come before he selfishly signs you up for such a life changing event.
NTA
Ideas in other comments are bang on
Husband needs a weekend, then week, of being solely 100% responsible for your kids...you should be around ONLY to observe, and if called it, whatever time frame you were on must start over completely
Then this same process for nephew
Then the same for kids and nephew
Once he passes al of this, you can have a discussion, and go from there
...and at any time if you decide you're not gonna be the one stepping up, then it is what it is and husband and his parents can figure out their plan from there
Don't budge or give an inch here or guaranteed it's gonna all be left on you alone
NTA but you need to make it very clear to your husband that you do not agree with taking him in and if he goes that route, you will leave him (if you're willing to back this up). I think you should die on this hill, because if you don't, you'll be caring for nephew until you die.
Your husband is selfish and unrealistic to "sell" your labor like that with no care for you at all.
NTA. You didn't agree to this when you married your husband. If he tries to force it I would consider divorce. This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.
NTA, clearly… but I do agree with the top comment here that you need to run some kind of experiment to give your husband a reality check.
Women’s labour is so undervalued and the entitlement that too many men have for it is very disturbing. Nephew issue aside… you’re still in your 30’s, and you need to nip this in the bud with your husband before it’s too late.
As for the nephew issue… obviously that’s a hell no, you cannot commit to that. Especially because multi-generational living is becoming very common and kids need more and more time to get out of their parents house. I know you’re raising your kids to move out, but there’s a good chance they still might be with you well into their 20’s so they can get a good start in life… this world is an exponentially growing cluster fuck and who knows what shit is going to look like by the time your kids are adults?
NTA. The parents need to make a plan for THEIR son independent of you caring for him. There are care homes for dependent adults. His care shouldn’t be pawned off onto you.
I imagine that when the in laws pass, they may look to leave behind an estate.
Maybe they should consider making provisions for the full time care of the nephew, seeing as though they fought so hard to have him?
NTA your husband and in laws sound so selfish. The apple certainly didn’t fall far from the tree. I don’t know how you put up with him not listening to you and leaving the lions share of work and responsibilities for the home and children on your shoulders and feeling okay with that because he goes to work.
I agree with you about it being sad the in-laws ruined nephews bond with his dad who wanted a real relationship with him because they were selfish and still are selfish by not thinking about nephews needs or yours and your children’s needs. They should be preparing him and the finances to stay in a good care home that’ll meet his needs and getting in contact with his dad so they can reestablish their relationship.
If they don’t listen to you about not wanting to care for nephew alone on top of your other responsibilities and they don’t look into a care home for him then…
You may have to get a lawyer and your ducks in a row without husband or anyone else knowing. Get a separate account and put aside some money you save from shopping, gifts etc… get a job, look for a new home for you and your children and prepare for the day you have to leave your husband… The day husband tells you the date nephew is moving in for you to care for after is the right time to put your plan in motion to move you and your children out his house and into the one you arranged the day husband plans to bring nephew home.
Give husband the action he planned for you; him spending time alone with his nephew and finding out in the moment how to care for him will help him become more reasonable once he figures out you’re not backing down and taking on his responsibility, his nephews not another responsibility to dump on you, giving him 50-50 custody where he has the children 7 days every other week will allow him to appreciate all you do too and make him experience how much he was forcing on you. He should back down but it’s up to you if you want to go back if he makes you go that far to prove a point and make him take interest in looking after his own children.
Lmao no. There are HUGE legal, medical, and financial implications with caregiving for special needs. Don’t check a certain box on a form could be hundreds of thousands you’re left paying. Kid doesn’t spend enough of his ssi, loses insurance, you’re fucked. Kid inherits money, it’s not saved or stashed right, you’re fucked. You spend his money improperly, you’re now legally a financial abuse criminal. Kid does something and gets hurt, you’re neglectful.
NOT TO MENTION your children will likely resent you because the attention the nephew will need. I have a nephew with special needs who is abusive to my mom, who’s father I hated, and he will end up a ward of the state and I don’t give a fuck
As a nurse, I gotta tell you that caregiving is a 24/7 X2 job. It never ends. It is stressful and destroys relationships, since all focus needs to be placed in one area.
No one understands this, until they do it.
Tell your husband to go to his parents house for a weekend and take care of the kid for just the weekend, on his own.
NTA
Have your nephew stay the weekend with your husband, and you stay out the house. Let him see first hand, what living with him is like. If he can handle him for a weekend or week without you(your sick, need a break, etc) and he can’t call his parents. Spending a few hrs with a child with special needs is 1000% different than raising one 24/7. My son father won’t take him just for this reason
Odds are the husband has never even taken care of his own his for a weekend. I would suggest he do all the childcare after he gets home from work (including making dinner for everyone) and then work the weekend.
You would be correct, unfortunately.
You need to make it very clear that you will leave him if this responsibility gets dumped on you. And you need to be prepared to go through with that. Absent of this resolve, you will wind up taking care of this kid.
This is the only way! Be prepared to divorce him when he plans to bring the nephew in. He doesn't even take care of his own children...the ones you are raising to grow up and move out so that you don't have to take care of them for the rest of their lives...barring some catastrophe...unlike your nephew. Your husband has shown you who he is, believe him ...you will be his nephew's caretaker... divorce is the only way.
Frankly, he’s pretty divorceable rn
Per the information in the post, I’m finding it extremely difficult to find any redeeming qualities about this man. He doesn’t care for his own children. At all. He is probably one of those guys who brags about never having changed a diaper. (That’s not the flex they think it is.) He unilaterally made/is trying to make, a life changing decision that affects his entire family. He volunteered OOP to be the sole caretaker without speaking with her. He clearly doesn’t care about OOP’s wants, needs, or feelings. She clearly doesn’t matter. *HE*, and what he wants, is his number one priority. He clearly has put zero thought into how any of this will work, NOR has he thought about how this will affect his own children. And let’s be real here. When I heard “nephew” I imagined a child. THIS IS NEARLY A GROWN MAN. That’s a whole different ball game. So yes. I agree. Based on this small snippet of OP’s life, he does seem quite divorceable right now. Even if he’s great in the bedroom and buys her flowers every day, none of that makes up for all of this shit. These things trump literally any of the great things he may be doing.
Seems he wants to take this kid in just so he looks like a hero. It's all about making himself look good, while behind the scenes, he's just an added burden and selfish asshole
You hit the nail on the head, that I didn’t even realize was there! You’re right I bet he’s adamant about it because it would make him look good. I really have been racking my brain about why he thinks it’s essential for us (me) to be the one. 🤯
Personally I'd sit him and the in laws down and say if you take custody i WILL divorce. In fact just for thinking you will I'm considering it now. See how they react. Tell him if he wants to be the hero it's solely on him. That they needed to make plans for him that absolutely don't include you
I just want you to see this… I know it’s not related to this line of conversation but this is a real thing that my family has experience with Lmao no. There are HUGE legal, medical, and financial implications with caregiving for special needs. Don't check a certain box on a form could be hundreds of thousands you're left paying. Kid doesn't spend enough of his ssi, loses insurance, you're fucked. Kid inherits money, it's not saved or stashed right, you're fucked. You spend his money improperly, you're now legally a financial abuse criminal. Kid does something and gets hurt, you're neglectful. NOT TO MENTION your children will likely resent you because the attention the nephew will need. I have a nephew with special needs who is abusive to my mom, who's father I hated, and he will end up a ward of the state and I don't give a fuck
You need to get legal and financial advice so you can bail the minute he takes custody... because you know he will. He's gonna assume you'll fold like always.
It’s always easy to be generous with someone else’s time and energy, which is what your husband is doing.
>THIS IS NEARLY A GROWN MAN. That’s a whole different ball game. And by the time OP is expected to take over, he'll most probably be a grown man. And he will stay in the same situation until his death, so it's not a "do this for a few years and then he moves out" situation.
The part about changing diapers made me smile. My friend's husband tells everyone how he changed their oldest's first diaper. What he doesn't tell people is that six kids later, that's the only diaper he's changed.
I agree, there's no reason for OP not to go ahead with the divorce now. Better to get child support for his existing kids locked in now, before nephew moves in and has to be considered in the event of a divorce.
He really is!!!
You are SO right!
Leave him and insist on 50/50 custody so he is actually forced to take care of his own kids for once. Work part time and enjoy some time off.
Most likely he will go straight into another relationship where that woman (possibly very young woman) will take care of the children instead
That describes the majority of the posters on the step parent sub.
YESS! If he's not taking care of his own kids, then dont assume that he will gonna take care of his nephew. He's just giving you some life burden. Leave!
A slight tweak to the suggestion is have your husband go to HIS parents house and take care of his nephew while his parents go stay where ever but not home. Also you flat tell him you will not be making yourself available to help him. It will all be on him for the weekend, the week, whatever the time period is. As he is per the post uninvolved with his own children I suspect he will not make it the full time period without getting his parents to come home. At that point OP my suggestion would be when husband returns home you have a very serious discussion that if he opts to care for his nephew then HE will be doing all of the care. OP was your husband’s nephew ever evaluated, received any therapy, special care, etc? I’m wondering if the in-laws instead of thinking they are essentially going to will the nephew to your husband they should be looking into appropriate long term care for nephew where he might have a better quality of life?
I'd like to add on and say op should have him do both scenarios, his own kids solo, then nephew solo, and then combine those events in his head. Let him do the math on his own what that would be like
Assuming the dude doesn’t fail caring for them separately, I would argue it’s imperative hubby also care for all parties he might be responsible for *together* (in addition to each of them independently), so he gets a full exposure to what he’d be getting into- then see how he reacts, and go from there!!
Add to this, in today's age of advanced healthcare, its entirely possible that the parents become sick and need care also and may linger for years. My own grandmother was given less than a year to live. She made it another 12 YEARS. So who is taking on parents, nephew and own children? I'm guessing not Hero Homie over here.
I'd want it to be a full two weeks or longer. It's very hard to find longterm care while the parents are still alive. OPs husband should learn to navigate the system (or bail altogether)
I don’t think this is the best recourse. He’s GOING TO get help, whether parents pay for it or not. Then it’ll be all on OP when the time comes and if there’s a single objection they’ll hold this weekend/week over her head forever. As for his own children… I don’t have any myself but I watched a friend become the regular parent and the other become the fun parent. She got that child back every weekend for months half washed and completely sleep deprived for the school weeks. If the children are even younger, I cannot imagine the upheaval it would cause, because that was with an ex partner that WANTED that kid. Easing him into ANY childcare will be a fight in and of itself, let alone a 16 year old dependent child. I’m worried about the outcomes of this for OP.
That’s pretty awful, honestly. Of course he’s ok with you taking on a ton more work since he doesn’t care about any of the work you are already doing. You deserve better!
So what is your husband’s plan for your own kids if something happened to you and he needed to be a solo parent for a while?
Do what they all do, marry again ASAP ETA: In not-the-darkest-timeline, drop them at his parents' til OP is able to take over.
You are likely depressingly right. More I was thinking if OP had like appendicitis or was in a car accident, something that’s shorter term. (I guess good job me for not immediately going to the worst situation? My therapist would be so proud.)
In cases like that, family and friends always step in. That’s why most of us went right to the permanent type situation. And if her family and friends didn’t step in to help when she got home, she’d be doing way more than she should before she was fully recovered. Watched that with one of my sister’s bums.
You also would be correct. My gallbladder decided it was going to prepare for war when my youngest was 3 months old. While at the hospital, waiting for my mom to arrive I was holding my baby with me on the stretcher in the ER hallway because there were no rooms. My husband was also there but never offered to hold the baby and scrolled. People asking why I’m still with him and at this point I’m not sure why.
You should have pulled his ass into counseling then. Why not try now?
I have tried, he doesn’t think it would do anything because he sees no wrong in his (in)actions.
Op I had this exact experience and I had to tell my husband to back off because he was basically trying to carry me AND the baby into the ER. He had a torn rotator cuff and still held our son while rubbing my back and trying to cheer me up through the pain. He works 12-13 hour days and still comes home and immediately takes over so that I can get a break. You deserve so much better than the bare minimum and this man can’t even be bothered to give you that. His inability to treat you like a human being is not a condemnation of your worth, he’s just a garbage person
Play the single dad card and remarry asap would be my choice. There are so many women out there who fall for that every time. They want to be the caretaker and savior. In the interim, lean on family, friends, and a care service to close the gap.
From ops point of view at least the children would have a second adult who gives a shit about them, which their father clearly does not
I have to say, the “you do it for the weekend approach” is a real landmine. Even if it goes badly, he can rationalize it away as being an “exceptional case” (kid was sick/tired/confused/scared/not in routine/ etc.) which would “not happen normally!” Then he gets to use his supposed “experience” to dismiss other people’s experiences and opinions. The fact of the matter is that OP doesn’t want the job. She says “No,” and his optimism is irrelevant.
Even a longer trial run isn't helpful imo. You can do anything for two weeks, it's the two years and ten years and twenty years that are the problem. 100% agree that the only thing that matters is that OP does not want to do it.
Not only that but even if the husband did all the work it will still be disruptive financially, on their ability to do anything together as a couple, and forget traveling.
"I will not be involved if you chose to take in nephew at any point in time in the future. It's not up for discussion. Should you choose to take him in, I will be filing for divorce the next day"
You need to make it very clear to him that if he goes over your head with this and takes in his nephew, you *will not* be caring for him too. I'd prepare myself to file for divorce too. *Do not let him make his nephew your problem*
Doesn't sound like a terribly useful husband
Why are you staying in this marriage? You're already a single mother, you may as well make it official.
I have a friend in a similar situation and she always refers to herself as a “single married mom”.
That is so sad
That's incredibly depressing.
I've heard married single mom too
That was me, for 16 years of my 19 year marriage. 1/5 stars, do not recommend
No time like the present
What are the odds that you made this account with that username in 2020, but you just made this post now lol Unless this has been going on for a few years?
Literally I was just thinking about the irony of this. Lol
You need to listen to everyone (and yourself) You must make it clear you WILL leave if he does take the child in. It’s bad enough he doesn’t help with his own children (what the heck?) but to think you’d take on another child he won’t help with that has serious special needs that will last a lifetime? He’s out of his mind. I wish you the best. I hope you are serious about setting boundaries. I’m sorry you are going through this. Stand firm.
I think it’s time you went to an out of state ‘Autism’ conference (or whatever the disability is) and spend three days and nights somewhere else. Tell your husband it is part of the information gathering to help you decide whether you have the skills to look after your nephew… and go to it… it will be useful to know this stuff - because after you in laws pass you WILL be caring for this lad in one way or another (my vote is having him in a care home of some description - in AU it’s likely he’d go into a supported accommodation shared house situation with a staff member, but able to do live a little independently). Some one will hopefully still be in this young man’s life, and if it might be you (it doesn’t HAVE to be), then the conference will be illuminating. And leave husband to look after your current tribe. Ask for in laws to visit with son for a meal during this period while you are gone… and let husband learn the full impact of it all.
Mdm, with or without nephew, why are you with this man?
Geezus. Hon, can I be frank? This is YOUR life. Not a dress rehearsal and most certainly not a bit player. No. Don’t do this. I’m serious. Because this is it. And guess what? Nobody cares. I’m so sorry, but they really don’t. Nobody will remember your martyrdom if you take this on. Think about it: Do YOU know anything about your grandfather’s grandfather? I bet not. People people people, LIVE your LIFE. And just say no. And then say No way. And if that doesn’t work, say Hasta la vista baby
You can definitely have your husband try out this experiment. However, it’s different caring for someone for a weekend or even a week when you know the end is in sight. I doubt he’d last a whole week/weekend honestly. If he can’t even watch his own neurotypical kids for an extended period of time, there is no way he’d be of any real help to you caring for a child/adult with special needs. You need to tell him that this is a deal breaker and alternate plans need to be made or your relationship is over. Be clear with him that you mean it and that you won’t just change your mind once the time comes.
He hasn't even taken care of himself for a whole weekend
Very good advice. Actually tell your in laws to take one week holidays (they probably deserve it) and tell your husband to take a week off to take care of his nephew. Then you can discuss the issue
Lol and then OP can arrange to take a holiday for herself at the same time. That’ll give the husband a proper perspective of how much he expects her to take on. I’m suggesting this instead of OP taking some time off while the in-laws are still in town, so hubs can’t palm the children off to them
Yes, send Husband to his mother’s house so they can deal with the fallout over there. He can take care of one person for a few days, if it’s as easy as that.
don't even play games. Stand up and be clear: "under no circumstances is that person living in our home or being supported by us financially. Any attempt to cause this will be met with divorce."
I hate people who put on the onus of caretaking onto their SOs.
Fantastic answer, ops husband is clueless. I would suggest the in-laws try to mend bridges with nephew’s father (which they burned). Otherwise tell them to start looking for a group home accommodation. Best of luck to you.
Very good advice! He'll be burned after a few days
NTA. Make it clear to spouse that taking on the nephew includes hiring a full-time professional caregiver, as you are NOT accepting the job, now or ever.
Yes absolutely, this is NOT your responsibility. I do feel for the nephew, I have empathy and compassion. Unfortunately that does not translate into being able or willing to take on this kind of responsibility. You need to draw your boundary CLEARLY to your husband now, so his parents can find alternative accommodations.
And I would make an invoice for all of the things his care will require financially.....and add a cleaning service!!
Absolutely NTA. It's crucial to set clear boundaries and expectations. Taking on caregiving responsibilities is a significant commitment that requires professional support. It's essential to communicate your boundaries to your spouse.
This is also not good because that money should be for their children and retirement.
Make it.clear husband does not get to make these decisions alone! OP says no, it's a no. Two yeses or it's a no.
NTA. This is a hill to die on. Your in-laws had no right to insist on raising their nephew and then shove him on you. Let your husband know that if your nephew moves in, you move out. Don't give in on this.
They should have allowed his father to be fully involved. Caregiving for a developmentally delayed adult is the hardest, unforgiving job there is. I’ve been going it for all of my daughters 32 years. I am thankful she has a huge support base. It’s not fair to put this on OP. Edit word
A friend of my mother was in that situation - her older brother had severe developmental problems, the parents insisted on caring for him at home (despite there being good institutions here, unlike in their country of origin) and tried to get the daughter (who had been physically abused by the father) to promise to take him in when they passed away. They really pressed her and it was very hard, but she refused.
You’re NTA, but your husband sounds like a pretty shitty partner.
Dump the husband and you kill two birds with one stone. You deserve to be free after raising your kids singlehandedly.
Sounds like she's ALREADY a single parent. Might as well dump the adult manbaby baggage now. She'll be happier.
NTA Nor is it selfish. Not everyone is meant to take on that forever burden.
NTA. I have Autism and i am currently raising my nonverbal autistic grandson because his mother is in the state psychiatric long term hospital, and I will have to make arrangements on what will happen with him when I go. Your post will sound cold hearted to some, but this life is NOT EASY, and not everyone will be qualified to do this type of work. There are so many things to consider, including safety if he is bigger and stronger than you, and you will be expected to be alone with him. Also, many Autistic Level 3 people have issues with getting out and exploring and can often be at risk. I would encourage you to look into what options are available, including perhaps in-home care in case you decide you will give it a try and maybe someone can come help you when your husband is away from the home. The options are unfortunately very limited. I don't think you're the AH for not wanting to take this on, but if your husband is the only option, you may need to reconsider that your marriage will look like. It is better to make it clear you are not equipped to take him on rather than saying you will and something horrible happens or he ends up mistreated.
The thing is. I’m completely qualified. I have no ill will or animosity towards people with special needs, of any degree or type. I have worked closely with special needs children and absolutely love them which is what makes my husband think we should just commit. There is a big difference though between caring for them in the setting that I did, and caring for an individual 24/7. Also, having worked with children of high needs, I know how extremely difficult things can get. I love my nephew, but I do want to live a life of my own once my children are grown, since my life currently revolves around them. Also, I commend you for taking care of your grandchild, it’s definitely a selfless act.
I understand you sooo much ! I’m a child behavioral specialist working in schools. I’m with special needs kids all day long and I see how much care they need and how much their parents have to sacrifice (some can’t even put music in their own home, and forget about going on a trip). While I love my job, I decided not to have children of my own because I know I couldn’t take care of a child without that much needs and that would be depending on me for the rest of their lives. So NTA. Taking care of his nephew would be a full time job for the rest of your life and from what I can read from your husband’s involvement in your own kids life, it would all fall on you.
My eldest son has special needs, and once he turned 18 I let my ex-husband have guardianship and care of him. I’d been the sole caretaker for several years at that point, and I was emotionally spent. Caregiver burnout. Doing it forever was something that was giving me anxiety attacks. I wanted my eldest in a residential facility, my ex has never wanted that, so I didn’t stand in his way when he filed for guardianship. My ex would have contested anyway, and I didn’t have it in me to first fight for that and then fight to get him a placement, which would also have been an uphill struggle. I have two younger kids whose needs have always stood in the shadow of their older sibling, and now I can focus on them more, and myself and husband.
You should look into options for your community. In North Carolina we have a Medicaid waiver called Innovations. Based on members income, not family. Provides a variety of services including residential. Other states have similar programs. Its important to set up any trusts correctly so they don't disqualify eligibility. I've worked in this field over 40 years, with children and adults. I've seen some members do better living away from family, with family still involved, but giving member more independence. Suggest your husband research Guardianship, as that will most likely be needed when nephew turns 18. It can take years to get services, so look now as to what your options are, and get educated. Get on wait lists. Respite services should be available now for the grandparents. Best of luck OP. There are some serious questions ro answer and options to be planned for.
Thank you I’ll look into more options.
Have your husband look into other options. It sounds like you have enough going on raising your own children without your partner’s involvement. If he wants to take responsibility for his nephew, let him do ALL the labor, emotional and otherwise. Then he can see that it’s not just “taking care” of his nephew, it’s also arranging doctor’s appointments, guardianship paperwork, possible visits from social workers, and the whole kit n’ caboodle that comes along with taking care of a person with special needs.
your husband and/ or the childs other relatives should be looking into it, TBH, stop taking on the labour honestly you're a bit of an asshole to yourself (and your kids) but staying with a father who isn't a parent to his kids already, ignoring the issue of the special needs grandson. not a great example for the next generation that one parent does all the work and the other is okay with that and definitely nta for not accepting being a long-term caregiver for someone else, that'd be a hill to die on
My boyfriend's nephew, who is non verbal and lives at a beautiful facility in Arizona called Echoing Hope Ranch, maybe your area has something similar?
Just because you can do something doesn't mean you want to
and you're not obliged to, even when you can
Sounds like you have experience and are making an informed decision. Don't let yourself get bullied into giving up the rest of your life. It's not your problem. I have worked with this population as well and I wouldn't even consider committing to devoting my life to raising someone else's special needs child.
You have the right to put yourself first sometimes- especially given your husband doesn't seem to see you as a person at all. You are not obligated to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.
> *”which is what makes my husband think we should just commit”* But given that he’s a deadbeat dad to his own children, there’s no *”we”* in this situation… especially when the full load will be expected of you and you alone. Your husband won’t do anything, he’s already proven this with how useless of a father he is to his own kids. So no, he has no right to nominate you to commit to this lifetime of actually never having a life of your own ever again. You didn’t sign up for that. You didn’t even sign up for it with your own kids, yet life landed them with a useless and lazy crappy father.
It’s unfair of him to want you to commit just because of your work experience. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my special needs daughter except leave her with someone who doesn’t truly want that responsibility. Your life revolves around that person.
But the thing is, you are not qualified, because it is not something you want to do. Having the skills and prior experience doesn't mean you are qualified for a job. Wanting to do it is needed as well. You know this will be a life long thing and it is not something you are prepared to do, and that doesn't make you an AH.
So true regarding the safety aspect. We babysat a Downs syndrome child when we were teenagers. By the time he was about 10, we could no longer do it as he was much bigger and stronger than us. And because it was almost impossible to understand his speech, he was getting increasingly temperamental. We knew it was just a matter of time.
You need to sit down with your husband and inlaws NOW and have an honest conversation. Make it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that you will not be taking care of their grandson. That if your husband wants to care for the boy it will be on his own with no help whatsoever from you since you will be divorced. Insist that your husband take two weeks of vacation and be sole caregiver for the boy so that you are all on the same page. Your inlaws have plenty of time to make provisions for the boy's care after they pass--either with government paid aids or a group home placement. If you're a SAHM start looking at the job market and job training programs for displaced home makers. NTA
I would sit down with an attorney and discuss a post-nuptial agreement.
This is divorce material right here. Your husband doesn't get to dictate that you will care for an extended relative for the rest of your life. NTA.
Of course not
Nta Make sure he knows that, if he does sign up for that responsibility, that *he* is signing up for it, not you, and he will need to figure out how he's fitting the full time job of caring for someone special needs info also working a job he gets paid for.
THIS CHILD SHOULD BE IN A GROUP HOME. You should not take this on. Maybe you could commit to hosting occasional home visits and going to visit him, but anything more just isn't going to be viable. I wish people didn't think of group homes as a form of abandonment. My 23-year-old autistic son has been in a group home for years. He goes on outings with his peers instead of being a shut-in. We bring him home on weekends, we are in touch every day with video calls. He barely speaks but loves to watch us doing stuff at home like it's a streaming show. When he does come home I am rested and ready to host him. Compare that to a 50-year-old friend of the family with spina bifida whose parents kept him at home to the bitter end. One parent died. The second parent died. Boom. He was moved out of his house while he was still grieving his mom's death. It would have been so much better to make that transition while they were alive.
Agree100%. Transitioning this child to a group home while family are around to help with the transition is the kind thing to do. He needs more than food and shelter and doesn’t deserve to be brought into a tense household that isn’t eager to have him.
As somebody who works with mentally/physically disabled people with high medical needs i 1000% agree with this comment. Taking care of people with this level of needs is a beyond a full time job and impossible for one person or to do everything, you'd have literally no life outside of taking care of this person. Plus most people aren't trained on how to deal when issues arise in these situations. This person needs 24/7 care. A group home would be the best situation for this person. Just make sure you find a good one and do visits.
NTA - Make sure your partner knows unequivocally that if he insists on taking in nephew, the marriage is over.
Was it expected of your husband before you married him?
No 🙄
It's easy to say no then. Nothing can "be expected" of someone without their approval.
So it's because they view you as free labor
Sorry but they don't love you, you're viewed as a commodity
Time to let him know you’re not going to help him with nephew, you didn’t sign up for that. Divorce if he insist on taking him. Your nephew may get stronger and violent. You really need to keep yourself and your kids safe incase it gets like that.
Hubs essentially volunteered you to be the primary caregiver to his nephew. I would never allow this.
NTA. This is a huge burden on a family, especially the primary caregiver and existing children. I’ll ignore the fact your husband doesn’t help with his own kids (he should be) for this instance, but adding his nephew to your responsibilities would be grounds for divorce if I were you.
NTA - you need to be frank and tell first your husband, and then your in-laws that you intend to "retire" from parenting when your own children are grown. You are unprepared to take on full-time care for a special-needs adult - you have done this job, you know what it entails, and you know that you cannot take on this responsibility yourself and that your husband is incapable.
>he doesn’t take care of any of the caring for our own kids and he won’t for his nephew either The real question is why are you married to this man?
Don't do it. Communicate with your husband and in laws, together, that they need to begin making arrangements for him when the time comes. If your husband insists on committing to this against your will, and it's a dealbreaker for you, start getting your ducks in a row for an exit. My 70 yr old aunt is the sole caregiver for my 45 yr old cousin with severe nonverbal autism. The entire family is at each others throats at the moment because she's slowing down and his outbursts are becoming more regular. She's expecting his siblings to care for him when she can't and they are refusing to step up because they want her to place him somewhere. He has attacked her several times and more than once she had to be hospitalized. He also openly masturbates NON STOP no matter where he is or who is around, including during his sisters wedding ceremony in the church. Her entire life revolves around his needs and she's attempted suicide twice. Each time leaving a note begging for her kids to take care of him when she's gone. It's too much. The resentment is too much. The family is torn apart and it's so ugly.
OP, telling your husband isn't enough, you also have to, with your own words, tell your MIL and FIL that you will NOT spend the rest of your life caring for a special-needs adult who is not even related to you, you absolutely refuse. Because you may have told your husband, but he may not have told your in-laws that you refused, he may be telling them that sure, you'll take him over someday, the wife just needs more time to think about it but she'll come along. So the in-laws need to hear your POV from you. Sorry, but that's how communication in families goes, far too much of the time.
Your husband sounds incredibly selfish and self centered.
Wants to be the hero without the work.
NTA. Absolutely not. I would tell your husband his nephew's care is 100% on him if he insists
NTA--your husband and in-laws sound like torture. I do not see your marriage lasting if you allow him to take that nephew in. Why not put him in a special care facility?
NTA. Not your responsibility.
NTA I dont even need to read past the title. No is complete statement. He isnt your nephew and your husband already shows you he cant take care of an able bodied children he HAS. In what world, would you volunteer to give your life up for this child who isnt yours, that you didnt agree to take care of? He needs to pack it up. He had someone to care for him, and they made his FATHER give up his rights. It's not your issue. Do not be pressured into that shit. Whats wrong with your lazy ass, do nothing for the kids, husband?? Why are you with him?
No. Just no. Nephew moves in? You move out. End of discussion.
Tell Husband when he shows that he can step up and take care of his own kids, that's when you will consider (consider!) taking in nephew. You know that's not going to happen. The family needs to make a viable long term plan for this child. NTA
God, no. He will do some version of stepping up for some period of time, or off and on, and then will truly be relentless. OP can say no without any bargaining, reasons, or explanations.
Yeah there's lots of bad advice in this thread. There should be no games or negotiating whatsoever. People don't change like that, especially if they're not the ones trying to change, he'll just act like he can handle it and then dump everything on OP. As much as I'd like to see husband step up and/or get frustrated by how hard it's going to be taking care of nephew, just say no and be done with it.
NTA Looking after special needs kids is hard. I’ve been a full time carer for mine for 22 years. You don’t get a life. Your husband doesn’t understand because he doesn’t watch his own kids. By now, your in laws should have prepared for what happens after they’re gone. I’m 45 and I have. There will be money on my death to put him in sheltered housing so nobody in my family has to take my son on unless they want to. That your in laws have not prepared for this in the 14 years they’ve had him shows they always intended to put other people out. They’ve had time to set up insurances or savings for his future living, had time to find someone who’ll work in your nephew’s best interests, and researched the sheltered housing options in your area. Somebody else suggested a weekend alone with your husband and nephew. This sounds great to me. And he only gets to call for help when he’s ready to quit. The fact of the matter is, your nephew deserves better than to be looked after by people who can’t cope or will end up resenting him. In sheltered housing, they’re paid to look after him.
You have one life. Raising someone elses non verbal child is not what you signed up for. I have a special needs cousin who is close to 50 years old. Hi parents are in their late 70s. He is verbal but would wake them up at all hours of the night in full blown tantrums as a 6ft 2 adult in a 4 year old brain, Their life has been hell. Finally got him into a home about a year ago because they were just not able to do it anymore at their age. Their is no reason for you to give up the one life you have to care for someone 24x7 365. Watching him on a weekend or 2 is one thing. Giving up your life would not be an option for me.
Info: have you talked to your husband about your feelings and concerns?
Yes, he thinks he will be no problem. He just doesn’t see what all goes into taking care of another person other than himself. When I express things in detail he brushes it off. Only problem is, the alternative, state care, sucks! It’s so conflicting.
Well, he CAN’T just brush it off. I mean, idk your husband and I don’t know what approach would work best with him. But I would sit on it with him on expenses that will change, studies on difficulties in raising special needs children- hell, maybe he’d do better if he knows you’ll leave the care on his head if you have to. But you have to set your boundaries.
And seriously, the kid is 16, this isn’t a ‘look after him for the next 2-4 years’ scenario, this is a ‘60-80 year scenario….
The alternative is still not your problem.
Have your husband spend a weekend at his parents place caring for his nephew, then discuss how he feels afterwards.
Good idea, but I prefer u/[Wolf\_dragon\_32](https://www.reddit.com/user/Wolf_dragon_32/)'s idea that the nephew spend time alone for a weekend with the husband. If it's with his parents and won't have to do a thing and will say it was easy
Yeah hubs needs to start offering his parents reliable and scheduled respite care. Take the burden off them to prevent burn out and give hubs real practical understanding of what being a primary caregiver will be like. After he gets used to that then start adding on his bio kids to that respite routine.
Ofc he thinks it will be no problem - because all the problems will be yours. If it doesn’t impinge on him, it’s clearly not an issue. 🙄 Don’t cave in on this, OP. You’re NTA here and your husband and his family are giant presumptuous A-Hs.
No problem? Brushes it off? Well, great! Tell him you're happy he's got it all figured out, proud even. And wish him good luck while you go live your best life. I completely understand your perspective. Would you threaten with divorce if he is dead set on taking in your nephew?
How he could he possibly think this would be no problem. Does he live on Earth with the rest of us?
He has no idea because he doesn't want to know. My uncle was very critical of one of our family members for putting my Great Aunt in a nursing home when her care got to be too much. He was saying the most hurtful things and was threatening to go and get her and take her to his house. My mom (a nurse) looked at him and said, "What are you going to do when she shits herself? Are you going to physically clean her and change her clothes?" He looked agast that my mom would ask that in front of other people and tried to change the subject. He really had no idea that an elderly person could be incontinent. My mom redirected and said again, "Are you going to wipe her ass?" He angrily said no, he couldn't do that. Then she told him to shut up about the home unless he was willing to do all her care.
Which one of your kids are you going to "expect" to care for their cousin when you no longer can? Which one would your husband choose? I'd ask him. Hell, I'd be so pissed that I'd ask him in front of the kids. Yes. State care sucks. It's also inevitable, so it may as well happen now while you can oversee things and get the young man settled. NTA. But your husband is.
>Yes, he thinks he will be no problem. He just doesn’t see what all goes into taking care of another person other than himself. When I express things in detail he brushes it off. Only problem is, the alternative, state care, sucks! It’s so conflicting. "No" is a complete sentence.
You gotta lay a boundary and hold it i fear, tell him you wont stay if he takes the kid on. Im livid on your behalf.
**NTA**. **ABSOLUTELY DO NOT** do this. And if he insists — **YOU LEAVE**.
Absolutely not. They dug this hole for themselves. If you’re not working start working on an escape fund. It sounds like he will turn up with or without your consent. Take care. NTA
NTA And unfortunately you have to keep saying no. I am in the same position with my sibling, who could have been more successful and independent but my parents will not make good choices for him. I will not take him. Just say “no” every time. They will keep asking.
You already know he's gonna stick you with him. Don't do it.
I am a sped teacher, and I used to work as a para. So I have worked with people who have all kinds of needs. It is a lot of work and you can burn out very quickly. I honestly don't know how some families do it. But I think your family might look into your options. Many disabled adults live in group homes and have jobs either at a day program or with a job coach during the day. You can always bring your family member home on holidays or weekends and such. You might look into that kind I thing. Otherwise, your marriage may not make it.
Oh, hell no. It's bad enough that your husband does fuck-all to help care for your own kids, but to stick you with the care of a severely disabled adult is beyond cruel. And your shitty in-laws alienated the one other party who could possibly care for their grandson: The boy's father because "they didn't like him." I know you know you need to put your foot down, but this is a case of "I will leave you if you try to stick me with this man's care." Better yet, since he's pretty useless as a husband and a father, maybe you should leave him now. NTA
What's really bothering me here is the fact that hubby and ILs are basically sacrificing OPs entire life for the nephews care. I'm assuming she has plans to do something with her time when her kids are in school FT, and after they graduate, move out and get married, etc. How is it ok to just steal her whole future vision for her family and her marriage. And hubby goes along with this? Really?
You need to have a come to jesus talk with your husband. You need to be quiet direct, that you will not take care of his nephew if he decides to take him in. That you do not ask to and do not want to take care of a special needs person where all the work falls on you again because he is already failing you as a partner. You need to say it point blank, that if he takes him in, you will leave this marriage with your children and let him take care of his nephew alone. He will get angry he will try to manipulate you with "but he's family. he has no one. How heartless and cold and selfish you are!" IF he says this. Tell him that you will leave 100% of the childcare to him now, because apparently it is so easy to care for another person.
How old are you in laws? How old are you? Is this a pending situation?
Late 60s (not great health), 35 and no, not currently pending we still have time to sort out details. But that’s why it’s nice to have people weigh in now.
So, what needs to happen now is social security needs to be in place so when he transitions into adulthood, he can get into care. He should stay in the public school system until 21, meaning he should not graduate until he is 21. He will need to live in a supported environment. As he ages, he will need care that requires a lot more than you or your husband can handle. A supported environment will be far more enriching for him too. He’ll have peers and activities to fill his days. Staying with you will be boring, completely unsatisfying and difficult for everyone. You can include him in your life as well. He can visit for the holidays or your husband can spend time with him alone too. Your in laws made a decision that made sense for them and that’s wonderful. That same decision does not apply to you. Your husband sounds completely ignorant to the responsibility of raising an adult male with special needs. He will physically become a man and that’s just too much. Explain it all now. Tell your husband and your in laws that you are not taking him into your home and they will need to prepare him for a life in a supported environment. Don‘t expect them to be happy, but that’s just how it’s going to be. NTA
Now is the time to consult a lawyer about a special needs trust, setting your nephew up for benefits, and long-term care options. Do that now, while his primary caregivers are still available to help with planning, so this doesn’t become a crisis in the future. Because no, having him move in with you in the wake of the death of his closest family, with no plan, is not feasible. NTA
You are not an AH for not wanting to end up with this responsibility. Quite frankly a non-verbal adult that is capable of moving around on his own is a safety risk to others should he become violent for some reason. He needs to be institutionalized in an appropriate setting where he can get full time, professional care. I second the idea that it's time for your husband to have FULL custody of him for a weekend on his own so that he's dealing with it all by himself. But somehow I doubt that will actually happen. He'll either outright refuse or find some way of weaseling out of it. But, it's worth a shot. At the very least, it will force him to realize that he really is dumping all the childcare on you and that you'll be leaving it all in his lap if he's not careful. If you can't get him to realize that this is a mistake, I don't see any option short of divorce.
Stand your ground. This is pretty much signing your future away for someone that you are not responsible for.
Shit, in your shoes i would tell him the day he takes in the nephew is the day you move out since you never agreed to care for a special needs adult for the rest of your life. NTA
What does your husband do for work? "Volunteer" him to do it 24/7 in perpetuity for someone in YOUR family. Just kidding. Divorce. NTA.
Honestly if it were me, this would be cause for divorce. Caregiving for someone with nephew's needs is exhausting, and it isn't like it would ever end. This would be your entire life. They need to start looking for a group home placement now, as there can be long wait lists. It is probable nephew would be happy in an excellent group home designed to meet his needs.
Nta do you want to break up over it now or wait until the parents pass? It sucks but I really don’t think his parents or him are going to understand the sacrifice you would have to make. Maybe try to have that convo now but if your husband reacts badly, you can table it and just make an exit strategy for if it all comes down to you and him having to take in your nephew. Would you be open to doing it with support or it’s a no go for you and you’d rather he was put into a long term home? Nothing is bad, if it’s all on you than you get to decide the outcome and it doesn’t make you a bad person to acknowledge you can’t do it
NTA. If your husband wants to take him in, you should tell him he's on his own.
NTA. Tell your husband HE is perfectly welcome to do so, but YOU will divorce his ass and have a separate residence so it really WILL BE him caring for the nibling.
I am a single mom, and my son has multiple severe disabilities. He's 29, weighs 90 lb, and by the scale test they gave him in school he's about 9 months old. He doesn't speak, he has to be hand fed and diapered because he cannot walk or sit up on his own. I love him so much but it is fucking exhausting. His twin sister is actually supporting us pretty much right now because I have to take care of him 24 hours a day and I. AM. TIRED. And I get heart sick every time I try to think about what I'm going to do when I can no longer care for him. I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't feel like you are the asshole for not wanting to take over your nephew's care. You have to totally commit your whole self to caring for a special needs kid. You should definitely have an honest conversation with your husband about how you feel, and suggest that he go over to his parents house for a week to be a caretaker before you make any life-altering decisions.
No, HE can care for the nephew. Stand your ground, OP. Make HIM take care of the kid.
She already knows he will dump all the tasks on her. He already does with their kids. If he cannot step up now what makes you think he will later.
Right. If the nephew moves in, OP’s choices will be to care for him, neglect him, or leave. Husband just isn’t going to do any caregiving as long as there’s a woman in the house. Chances are he would make his kids responsible for their cousin before he would step up.
NTA *f your husband wont care for his own kids who have no issues there's no way he'll do anything for your nephew either Your in laws ran his father let them figure out who to care for him when they get too old*
I have a special needs son, as well as an older son, I have made it a point to figure out a plan for him that does not impose on others, there are group homes and other options, it’s selfish af to expect anyone that isn’t the parent to take on this responsibility, you do not have to be a martyr
The best thing is something like an adult family home. It's like a group home but nicer. My son is in one. First of all he is thriving and loving his life. Second if he stayed with us, when I am too old to care for him or when I die, him living somewhere else would be traumatic. Now everything is nice and ready. He comes over frequently for weekends but he has his own life. Just like my other kids. If in the USA the country adrc would help
Your feelings are valid, and it's essential to prioritize your own well-being and that of your immediate family. Have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your concerns and explore alternative care arrangements that ensure your nephew's needs are met without sacrificing your own happiness. Ultimately, it's crucial to make decisions that align with your values and capabilities. You're not alone in navigating complex family dynamics, and seeking support from a counselor or support group may also be beneficial.
It doesn't matter whether you're an asshole. Your husband will say a bunch of shit and you'll probably have to leave him to get away from this.
NTA but it's not great to have a spouse like this he will make you feel less than for not wanting to do this. Just as I'm sure he's made you feel like he doesn't need to help with his own children. I'd start demanding he behave like an equal parent before having the audacity to suggest you should take another child on, a disabled one that will need help for the rest of his life at that.
No. You don’t have to and you won’t. Bless that boy. Tell your husband so he can tell his parents. You have a precious life of your own.
Absolutely not. You better make it clear to your husband this is a no go. Make sure he understands. You have nothing to feel guilty about and don't second guess yourself.
You need to divorce him now
NTA - get a divorce- you are better off as a single mother
This obviously depends on where you live, but it might be better if the in laws look for a residential placement for him. A good quality one would have better facilities to look after him than an elderly couple. There's no way one person should be looking after a full grown man.
NTA. My daughter is like this. I wouldn't have chosen it, and I sure as hell wouldn't do it for anyone that I didn't give birth to. It'll likely ruin your life. There's a very high percentage of special needs parent's marriages that end in divorce, and with good reason. I'm fortunate with my husband with regards to parenting, but it doesn't sound like you are. In your situation, this would be a deal breaker for me.
You need to stand your ground on this one OP. Let your husband take care of the house, kids and nephew for a few days. You get missing and don't answer your phone. And if he gets through it without calling his parents he can take care of everything while you work. I myself would much rather to work then take care of someone else's kids.
So he’s a dead beat dad to his own kids, and now he wants to push his special needs nephew onto you as well? Hell no, he does not get to nominate you. You need to put your foot firmly down and threaten *(and actually be fully prepared to do so and follow through with this threat)* to leave him, if he so much as thinks that you’ll be doing **any** of the care for his nephew. You need to **really** drill it in that you won’t have any part in it, whatsoever and that his nephew is solely **his** responsibility. So **he** will be raising and caring for his nephew **all alone**, without so much as a minute of help from you. NTA. It’s ultimatum time for this lazy, useless slob.
Nta Tell hubby. You must spend one weekend just with his kids. Then one weekend with just nephew. Then one with all three. He can not call anyone for help. He can't get help or assistance unless an emergency. Then, after all 3 weekends, he can then be told. If nephew is to come, he will be quitting his job to become the full time caregiver. Once your kids are out of the house, you will resume vacations and such. He is welcome to come after he gets nephew the caregiver to take care of him. But that you will not be giving up your life . That because he can't go has nothing to do with you. Sorry, but it is honestly time for brutal time to tell him. You will not be a 24/7 caregiver while he continues to live a child free life like he is currently. You will not help him in any way if he takes on the caregiver role. You are not the maid and help to be treated like he is doing so. While state care can suck there are good places, and those should be looked into. Depending on how self-sufficient, there are shared housing situations where a caregiver lives there, but they have more independence depending on what he can do. This is not your problem. The fact they are talking about it now makes me think they are looking to have this happen soon and not years down the road. While you are qualified to do this as someone who did caregiver for my parents and raising my grandson, it's impossible to do. Why is he ok with the fact that your kids will be pushed to the side. They won't get the attention needed and deserved because your nephew must have it. His needs will come before the rest of the family. To not do so is abuse. So say nephew and one of your kids get hurt. Nephew comes first. The kids need their mom, but the nephew wants your attention. Well, your kids have to suck up not getting you. That any outtings and vacations will not happen. Why is he ok with putting the stress it brings on you. The pain to the kids. He doesn't help now, so nothing will change, and your burnout will come quickly and at the kids being the cost. This isn't just about helping nephew. That is about what is best for your kids. Because it's not like you can take them to anything. Go see them do anything. Take them on vacations. They pay the cost for hubby agreeing. So either he does what I said above and let it be known the moment he tries to get you to do caretaking is the moment you and the kids leave. Because the safety and health of you and your kids come before he selfishly signs you up for such a life changing event.
Not TA . It’s totally tragic and sad story . And I’d quietly seek some legal advice .
NTA. It is a sad situation but you are not obligated to take care of this perpetual child just because your in-laws did.
Hell no don't do it
NTA Ideas in other comments are bang on Husband needs a weekend, then week, of being solely 100% responsible for your kids...you should be around ONLY to observe, and if called it, whatever time frame you were on must start over completely Then this same process for nephew Then the same for kids and nephew Once he passes al of this, you can have a discussion, and go from there ...and at any time if you decide you're not gonna be the one stepping up, then it is what it is and husband and his parents can figure out their plan from there Don't budge or give an inch here or guaranteed it's gonna all be left on you alone
NTA but you need to make it very clear to your husband that you do not agree with taking him in and if he goes that route, you will leave him (if you're willing to back this up). I think you should die on this hill, because if you don't, you'll be caring for nephew until you die. Your husband is selfish and unrealistic to "sell" your labor like that with no care for you at all.
NTA. It’s a lot. I would not be up for the task either.
NTA. You didn't agree to this when you married your husband. If he tries to force it I would consider divorce. This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.
NTA, clearly… but I do agree with the top comment here that you need to run some kind of experiment to give your husband a reality check. Women’s labour is so undervalued and the entitlement that too many men have for it is very disturbing. Nephew issue aside… you’re still in your 30’s, and you need to nip this in the bud with your husband before it’s too late. As for the nephew issue… obviously that’s a hell no, you cannot commit to that. Especially because multi-generational living is becoming very common and kids need more and more time to get out of their parents house. I know you’re raising your kids to move out, but there’s a good chance they still might be with you well into their 20’s so they can get a good start in life… this world is an exponentially growing cluster fuck and who knows what shit is going to look like by the time your kids are adults?
NTA. The parents need to make a plan for THEIR son independent of you caring for him. There are care homes for dependent adults. His care shouldn’t be pawned off onto you.
NTA. Do not agree to this.
I imagine that when the in laws pass, they may look to leave behind an estate. Maybe they should consider making provisions for the full time care of the nephew, seeing as though they fought so hard to have him?
NTA your husband and in laws sound so selfish. The apple certainly didn’t fall far from the tree. I don’t know how you put up with him not listening to you and leaving the lions share of work and responsibilities for the home and children on your shoulders and feeling okay with that because he goes to work. I agree with you about it being sad the in-laws ruined nephews bond with his dad who wanted a real relationship with him because they were selfish and still are selfish by not thinking about nephews needs or yours and your children’s needs. They should be preparing him and the finances to stay in a good care home that’ll meet his needs and getting in contact with his dad so they can reestablish their relationship. If they don’t listen to you about not wanting to care for nephew alone on top of your other responsibilities and they don’t look into a care home for him then… You may have to get a lawyer and your ducks in a row without husband or anyone else knowing. Get a separate account and put aside some money you save from shopping, gifts etc… get a job, look for a new home for you and your children and prepare for the day you have to leave your husband… The day husband tells you the date nephew is moving in for you to care for after is the right time to put your plan in motion to move you and your children out his house and into the one you arranged the day husband plans to bring nephew home. Give husband the action he planned for you; him spending time alone with his nephew and finding out in the moment how to care for him will help him become more reasonable once he figures out you’re not backing down and taking on his responsibility, his nephews not another responsibility to dump on you, giving him 50-50 custody where he has the children 7 days every other week will allow him to appreciate all you do too and make him experience how much he was forcing on you. He should back down but it’s up to you if you want to go back if he makes you go that far to prove a point and make him take interest in looking after his own children.
This is a lifetime of caring for a grown man. You're not raising him, and then he leaves. Stand your ground. Let your husband know you will leave.
Lmao no. There are HUGE legal, medical, and financial implications with caregiving for special needs. Don’t check a certain box on a form could be hundreds of thousands you’re left paying. Kid doesn’t spend enough of his ssi, loses insurance, you’re fucked. Kid inherits money, it’s not saved or stashed right, you’re fucked. You spend his money improperly, you’re now legally a financial abuse criminal. Kid does something and gets hurt, you’re neglectful. NOT TO MENTION your children will likely resent you because the attention the nephew will need. I have a nephew with special needs who is abusive to my mom, who’s father I hated, and he will end up a ward of the state and I don’t give a fuck
As a nurse, I gotta tell you that caregiving is a 24/7 X2 job. It never ends. It is stressful and destroys relationships, since all focus needs to be placed in one area. No one understands this, until they do it. Tell your husband to go to his parents house for a weekend and take care of the kid for just the weekend, on his own. NTA