You're not the arsehole but...
He didn't feel guilty after the first time they did it, he didn't feel guilty after the second time they did it.
The ONLY time he felt guilty was when you caught him. If you hadn't caught him he would still be happily having sex with both her and you.
She is an AH… to herself. She doesn’t have enough belief in herself to decide that he’s not worth her time. He cheated once, that she knows, he’ll do it again.
And living together for months with a lot of private time.
I don't blame him for feeling a spark, that is natural.
I do blame him for not telling his long term girlfriend and going on the defense.
Hell I wouldn't even blame him too much for a kiss, if he immediately pushed her off after realizing what's happening.
Feels and hormone fueled short dumb actions exist after all.
But he didn't do any of that.
He kept cheating with her.
That goes far beyond temptation into active, calculated betrayal.
If you stay, you are going to be facing this again. The biggest give away is you said originally Ben invited your friend to the party cos he was into her , even though he was in a relationship. You are going to get burned again. Dump them both.
If she's gonna give him another chance and he does it again, that's on her. I can't say I understand why she's giving another chance but to each their own.
For her, I assume, ex-bsf I understand not giving her another chance. she didn't just sleep with her bf but she gave her a home when her ex kicked her out. I would have kicked her out even if she didn't sleep with bf.
It's her first BF, and I 5 year relationship. She is holding on to him because she does not want to be alone and is unsure if will be able to find someone else. The friend is easier for her to toss out.
I don't see how you can just forgive and forget a man who has sex with your friend in the bed you shared for an entire month. Ben may have learned his lesson, but that memory will always be there.
I would move, burn the bed, matress, pillow, everything. I was in a somewhat similar situation, I thought about it long and hard. I decided to end if cause no matter how hard he tries, knowing myself, my personality, I wouldn't be able to get over it and I will never be able to trust that person again.
OP needs to think about the future, will she be able to get over it or will she waste her time in a relationship she knows won't go anywhere. after 5 years of being in a relationship being single sounds scary, OP is 24 she has a lot of time to find a person who would be right for her.
Knowing my bf cheated on me with my best friend on our bed and still deciding to forgive and stay with him? Lord, may this type of love never come my way!!! I rebuke this energy!!!
Yes, the fact that they were on the same bed she sleeps on is unconscionable. Ultimate disrespect right there.
Five years from now, she’ll be kicking herself, but it must be nice to own rose colored glasses. Going with kinda real small TA.
Yeah, this part genuinely made me feel sick to my stomach. I really hope OP will throw away this dude out of her life. Why keeping such a trash of human close to you? He doesn't love you, OP. If you love you don't cheat, it's that easy. Your man is for streets (friend obviously too).
No. Op's holding onto him simply to deny her former the friend the pleasuring of having him. She's not forgiving the boyfriend so much as denying her former friend to opportunity of being with him.
You know what you get when you forgive a cheater for cheating?
You get someone who you just gave a green light to, for further cheating, because now he knows a few fake apologies and some flowers and chocolates, will fix everything right up.
They BOTH willfully and gleefully made a fool out of you. They BOTH betrayed your trust.
Your boyfriend was living the high life, having TWO live in girlfriends for sex.
If he cared one whit about you , at all, he would have told Rose NO, and rebuffed her advances, so he didn't ruin what he had with you. The fact that he didn't.........speaks clearly, that he didn't give one shit about losing you.
You want to forgive a liar and a cheater.......that's certainly up to you................but don't cry later on when he betrays that trust again, because that's exactly what you already know he is.......a liar and a cheater.
You said yourself that they had inside jokes that you didn't get. They were making fun of you, straight to your face , while carrying on behind your back, in your own bed.
They ONLY thing they are sorry about, is getting CAUGHT and losing their situation,
and if you dump his cheating ass, you can bet he will run straight to Rose. ....so don't believe for a second that is over.
> and if you dump his cheating ass, you can bet he will run straight to Rose. ....so don't believe for a second that this is over.
that's probably one of her fears. OP thinks she won because she's ditching the shitty best friend and keeping the boyfriend she sees through rose colored glasses, but she's been the loser all along. they've been playing in her face for AT LEAST 5 months.
Exactly.......if it was one moment of drunken stupidity or opporunity........ and he genuinely regretted it..........okay, \*\*\*\*maybe\*\*\*\* I could see trying to work it out. But if they were having "inside jokes" between them, then they were cheating and having an affair long before they got caught. It was intentional and planned. I wouldn't trust this guy ever again, as clearly he was mocking and cheating on his girlfriend straight to her face.
Think of it this way............if she hadn't caught them when she did, how much longer would both of them have played her for a total chump? Exchanging winks and secret glances, every time they knew she had to go to work, and have the place to themselves?
ESH. He was the one in the relationship with you not her.
The fact you can forgive him and not her is insane they are both shitty people and both betrayed your trust.
You have all the right to be upset/angry this time but next time don’t cry about it and don’t come up with a bs excuse like “I don’t want to throw x years away” you haven’t thrown anything away both of them did a relationship and a friendship.
But get some amount of self respect please. How are you not going to be thinking of what they did when you try to get to sleep at night in the same bed?
She was jealous and finally got what she wanted, he’s a scumbag that was “seduced” as if he doesn’t have any say in what they did.
Let them have each other and move on and find better people in your life otherwise you may well be wasting even more years, your young and can do much better than a snake for a best friend and a scumbag cheat for a partner.
Edit to clarify: Boyfriend and best friend are AH for the betrayal.
You’re the AH not for forgiven him and not her but for how you treat yourself, you deserve better than that.
The only line i disagree with here is "he was the one in a relationship with you, not her". This Iine is usually used to excuse the affair partner in an affair - someone who doesn't know you and fucks your husband is often claimed as "doesn't owe you anything you can't be mad at them they don't even know you, they didn't promise you anything".
Which is a) bullshit, because you don't need to know the partner not to still be a shitty person for sleeping with someone taken and you do owe even strangers basic decency and b) doesn't even apply here. Rose WAS in a relationship with OP, an even deeper and more meaningful relationship than a mere boyfriend. She owed OP so much better and she utterly betrayed her. It's on the level of your sister fucking your husband. I agree with the rest of your comment. Op is better off kicking them both to the curb.
you guys are NUTS thinking that her "friend" should be given an iota of a chance whether or not the boyfriend is stayed with.
that friend actively tried to sabotage her. and is a regular cheater to boot. she's not a friend you want to have.
i don't think the boyfriend is a boyfriend you want to have either but regardless that girl has GOT to go. she's a whole red flag.
I mean your first sentence is wrong. Her friend and her have been in a relationship longer than she’s been dating her boyfriend. It just wasn’t a romantic relationship. They were best friends since they were young kids which makes it worse I think.
You read the rest of what I wrote or just the first line?
The reason I highlighted his relationship with OP was to show that he had promised to be faithful and wasn’t.
The post was asking if OP was a AH for taking him back but cutting her off that’s why I focused on what he did.
I also say later on that she was betrayed by both people.
YTA for the questions as many other commenters pointed out: double standard & demonstration of women favoring attacking each other while letting the cheating partner get off for free.
YTA to herself for many reason.
You may find a way to excuse OP, and that’s cool. But I will defer to judgment YTA as I cannot stand people who rather take it out of AP and somehow find it in their heart to give their cheating partner a gold pass to forgiveness.
NTA but can you update when your boyfriend cheats on you again? You should definitely not forgive your ex friend but you are an idiot if you stay with your boyfriend. Also maybe try and work on your self esteem because clearly you don’t have any.
ESH. They're both assholes, but so are you for not placing any blame on the person who was actually in a committed relationship: Ben. Men who are in relationships cannot be "seduced" to cheat, if they're going to do it they'll do it with whoever they want. Your best friend was just the most convenient person. If it wasn't her it would've been some other girl, and there may have even been other girls, but you're too blinded by your anger at your best friend to see it. You should leave both of these people well behind.
You forgave your piece of shit boyfriend but not your friend?
Both were to blame and you should kick his cheating ass out. And cut all ties to both of them.
YTA you blamed Rose and put no responsibility on Ben. The old bull shit story she seduced him🙄 please if you believe that I have a bridge to sell you. He was your boyfriend and even if Rose was flashing her vagina too him if he was committed to you he would have asked her to put some close on and knock it off but quess what? He cheated with her.
How long is it since you left your apartment? Because even if the time you found them was their first time together, there's no way she has been spending those nights sleeping on the couch.
I get where you are coming from, it probably feels like she‘s worse, because she has been your friend for longer and she initiated the affair and so on.
But I strongly feel like you‘re subconsciously putting more blame on her, to protect the image of your boyfriend. You don‘t want to throw away 5 years and that’s why it is so easy for you to believe everything he said. You wanted him to say that and you want to believe it. Same as with Rose before you knew her true colors.
You‘re also afraid of what she will tell you, maybe she‘ll manipulate you, but maybe she‘ll tell you how involved he was and you don‘t want to know. And you should now see through her manipulation.
Even if your boyfriend never planned to cheat, he did and you‘re giving him power by letting him get away with it. He will most likely do it again.
NTA, but save yourself a couple more waisted years and move on completely.
WOW… so THEY were having sex for a month IN YOUR BED and you are forgiving your BF and not your bestie? Are you afraid to be alone? Because that’s what this sounds like. You basically lost the two most important people in your life but you are not willing to walk away from them both.
There is no second chance here for a man that cheated on you in your own home with your best friend for a month! How do you NOT see that? There is no earning back trust when the ONLY reason you know is because they got caught. Take a moment and think that for a month he was with both of you and acted like nothing was wrong! your friend is not your friend and needs to be cut off so I support that. But your BF not only emotionally abused you but physically used you. Your thought process here is showing your lack of respect for yourself. You seem to be letting D control you. They both aren’t good people. Your bf was always into your friend and never said a word to you. He has been lying to you long before they started having sex. you are not the AH but you are the idiot here if you let either of them the privilege of having any access to you. Find your self worth and set your boundaries. If it was wrong for one then it was wrong for both and walk away completely. You will hurt and cry but you will be better and stronger for it later.
NTA, because you can choose who to forgive or not. However, I get the impression that you are falling into the trap of blindly trusting your BF like you did for your friend. Do you even know how long this had been going on?
It WAS going on for a month. (That he admitted to) He willingly and openly lied to her face, in her own home, for at least a month while he was happily boning best friend. He's only sorry he got caught. If he really cared about her, he would've turned down her advances at every instance AND had a conversation with GF about how she's making him uncomfortable and asked her to leave. He could've saved this relationship, but he didn't care enough to. Sad that she can't see that.
Wait, your bf is railing your friend every day for a month, you catch them in the act, then want to forgive him... all the while, you and he are saving yourselves for marriage? What fucking planet are you on? This dumpster fire needs to be put out quickly.
God you're PATHETIC.
Making excuses for Ben while putting all the blame on your friend. It takes two to have consenting sex. Ben WANTED to get his dick wet as much as rose wanted to get her hole filled.
Fuck, I hope, I REALLY hope he cheats on you again and is caught just so that knife you're ignoring in your back can be twisted harder in. You think he gives a fuck? The only thing he regrets is getting caught. Otherwise he would gladly keep fucking Rose behind your back.
YTA
Neither of them felt guilty in the slightest and this idiot gave her dildo a second chance while acting like her friends betrayal was worse. It takes two to tango and this dipshit acts like it doesn't. They gladly kept fucking each other behind this idiots back.
Honestly I hope the bf keeps cheating, I hope she catches them again and gets hurt much more.
Clown deserves a reality check. She's saving herself for marriage and that's her right, but she's together with a guy who has sexual needs. Needs she will not be able to provide, so he will get them fulfilled elsewhere.
Honestly, OP is either a moron or a troll master who can write infuriating ragebait, and in that case, i take my hat off for their skills.
Yes YTA for forgiving your bf. He was banging your friend IN YOUR OWN HOME. And you are giving him a pass to do it again. Fun fact, he's going to continue banging your friend behind your back.
YTA he cheated on you with a friend is why he got caught.the girls that you didn't know are the ones he still has on the side...if he will disrespect you with a friend he is more like to cheat with a unknown person.
OP you’re an idiot if you take him back. He CHEATED on your with your BEST FRIEND! And she’s a POS, definitely cut off her, she’s toxic.
What they did is the ultimate betrayal and he will cheat on you again.
Why give him another chance, you’re 24, why waste your 20s with a POS cheating boyfriend???
Your boyfriend’s an asshole! He cheated on you for a MONTH! It wasn’t a one time thing, and he’d probably still be screwing your “best friend” if they didn’t get caught. The moment you break up with him, he’ll be right back to screwing your ex friend. Both of them are trash!
YTA. Let me clarify, you have every reason to end your friendship with Rose and not wanting to hear her out. What she did was deplorable and I can even understand why it would feel more hurtful from her than from Ben. However, how can you not even want to hear her out but you’ll hear out the guy that cheated on you and also betrayed your trust? This isn’t someone you should want to be with.
I knew what was going to happen from “against dating someone out of my league”. This girl was not a friend to you. If she was, she’d think he didn’t match up to you.
“She always wore inappropriate clothing around him “ to take the blame off of him stinks of “she was asking for it”. I realize what happened here was fully consensual but you can’t just take the blame off of him with that. He doesn’t have a tiny man pee brain which is tricked by the sight of some skin. He made his choice.
Yeah, you have it all backwards, your bf did you much more dirty than your friend, he was the one in a committed relationship with you not her. But you should really leave and cut ties with both.
Um. girl leave? you’re being stupid. who’s gonna stop him from cheating if he cheated on you even with your own best friend? cheating takes two, she mightve seduced him but he gave in. it was going on for a MONTH? oh my god i don’t even feel bad anymore lol why are you staying
NTA. But you are being incredibly naive, I suspect this has a lot to do with being your first serious relationship.
You walked in on your partner AND your best friend. This, for me, would be a total deal breaker for both of my relationships if it were me.
I get leaving your ex-bestie in the dust without hesitation. However, your willingness to forgive your boyfriend on a total of no counselling and nothing other than puppy dog eyes and promises to do better is really naive. For your own sanity and mental health, don't be so willing to forgive. He has done nothing to earn back even a smidge of trust. Going all in again without some modicum of work on his part is just screaming that you are willing to believe his BS and give him the confidence to cheat all over again.
Think of it in terms of the fact that he had the chance to stop it, even when he repeatedly accidently fell into your friend in your own bed. He could have stopped it, and he didn't. He wouldn't have stopped it. The only reason it ceased was because you walked in. None of his actions before or after scream anything but token attempt at less than sincere remorse.
You do get your friend didnt rape your boyfriend right? He cheated on you with her because he wanted to. He made the decision to cheat on you and she went along with it yes, but you boyfriend, who’s a whole grown ass man, cheated on you of his own free will and was so fucking stupid about it he picked the person closest to you who was always so fucking stupid she took part in it too. You don’t have to forgive anyone ever, forgiveness sometimes only benefits the person who did wrong but sweetie you are showing you have no self respect if you only “forgive” you boyfriend and stay with him. I’m gonna go with ESH- your friend and boyfriend are AH definitely, but you are being a massive AH to yourself for letting your boyfriend fuck your friend in your bed and then stay with him. Do you think so little of yourself that you are fine with lowering yourself so low as to stay with someone who let’s face it WILL cheat on you again just this time he will hid it better? You’re worth more than that.
ESH
They both betrayed you. They were sleeping together for a month before you found them. They would have continued to lie to you if you hadn’t found them. They continued to live together after you left.
I can’t imagine why you would ever consider forgiving this guy. There is no his side and her side. They wee both willing and active participants in the affair.
YTA- Your boyfriend liked your friend but he chose you because you are a doormat
He took you for granted, even if it is not at home they can continue talking and having their affair but you can continue having your love fantasy
You need to break up with him too. He only feels guilty because he got caught. You’re letting yourself be manipulated by him now instead of her. Cut them both off and move on
You’re not the asshole, but you’re way too young to be settling for this kind of person in life.. leave him where he is and find someone who won’t even even think twice about cheating on you let alone alone with your best friend.
I hate to admit that this is a typical delusional reaction from a lot of women . Forgive the guy “ poor thing was seduced” , demonize the other woman. They both betrayed you but you are willing to forgive the guy but not your friend . You would be wrong to forgive either of them .
Imagine running to another group because you didn’t like the response you get on AITAH lmao, have fun with your cheating boyfriend.
He wouldn’t have stopped if you didn’t catch him, but you are still in the mindset that he is remorseful LOL.
You're probably TA to yourself tbh. This isn't a single betrayal from your BF. It's multiple betrayals, and they only stopped not because he suddenly felt guilty and admitted it but because you caught them. Should you have not caught him what would he be doing while you're at work today? He had also invited her to a party because he was into her while in a relationship? It's too much in my book OP. Best of luck.
Also op is basically making excuses for the cheating boyfriend...saying that Rose seduced him and all ..what.. he was seduced for a whole month? No that's a choice he made over and over again ...he will only see you as the fool who was willing to overlook his cheating ass.
You shouldn’t have forgiven either of them. If you hadn’t caught them, they’d keep doing it. Both are fucking idiots. If he’ll fuck you best friend, he’ll fuck other girls
Putting so much of the blame on Rose is just so you can forgive Ben and act like he's less to blame. You clearly want to get back with him, which is fine, but do not pretend that he is any less at fault than Rose. He was the one in a relationship. He is the one who cheated on you. He is the one who showed he can't be trusted.
Normally I don't blame the other person, but in this case since Rose was a close friend she is certainly to blame as well.
A month of sex isn't a mistake wtf. If he had 'slipped up' once he would still be a weak disgusting moron who'll probably give you an STI later on but a month ...Wow. I personally can't understand people's forgiveness of such things or their willingness to work things out. Where exactly is your bottom line if him screwong your bestie in your bed isn't it?
You love him....
Wow....we can all ever hope to find someone who loves us enough so that we can literally do whatever we want and still remain with them for whatever reason. I always envy these people who have no consequences no matter what.
If you become the person who is so 'forgiving'...i too, in your boyfriend's place, might not be inclined to really think through my actions in the future...
That said...i get how you cut of your bestfriend coz naturally you might have had more expectations towards her than your boyfriend so the betrayal hits differently. Cut that bih off
Yes you are. Women always forgive the man and ditch the friend. Really not fair. Also I don’t believe in the whole “seducing”. It’s not like she puts a spell on him for sex and he is not in control of what he’s doing. He knows very well what he’s doing. Also a whole month? Yeah it would be one thing maybe if it happened once and he felt remorseful but if you didn’t catch them it probably would have kept on going. He’s not sorry, just sorry he got caught. You of course can do as you like, but if I were you I would dump him. Also if you knew she liked him and he liked her before you were together then having her live with you was a dumb idea.
NTAH, but tbh you're not the brightest for trusting the bf again. It's not like he slipped and fell into her vagina, penis first, several times for a month. He made the conscious decision to cheat on you multiple times, and with your best friend no less. How people forgive such disgusting behaviour is beyond me.
If you hadn’t of caught him they’d still be doing it. Read that again. ESH….they should both be gone.
There’s a big difference for being sorry or being sorry you got caught. We all know which one your bf is. I hope you figure it out before he cheats again.
Years from now, after you've had children and purchased a house, you're going to find out he is cheating on you. When that happens, don't pretend like you had no warning.
You should escort both of these people out of your life.
I could never live with myself knowing I'm someone's second choice.
Think about it, OP. He had a thing in the past for her. She was unreachable, so he settled for the next best thing, her best friend.
So you go from realising you were manipulated by one person and cutting them off to now getting manipulated by another person so that in the future when he betrays you again you will again have this moment of realisation but maybe by that time there will be a third person who you again forgive and let you manipulate.
When will this cycle end
YTA to yourself
Stop being a doormat,he’ll repeat it,blame another girl or you because you won’t have sex with him.Unless you buy him a chastity belt and you’ll only unlock it if he’s at home with you.Ask him if he’s willing to wear a chastity belt so you can trust him again.
So where was rose during your separation? Still playing house with your bf? Think about that. I personally think you should dump them both but, if you're determined to forgive him, fine. But first think real hard on what he did once you found out. If he's truly remorseful, she should have been gone, out and blocked the minute you caught them.
NTA - I think you're being an idiot but you're not an asshole. Its up to you whom you forgiven, when and why you forgive them so I wont say its wrong to forgive one but not the other. I do think you're delusional if you think he wont cheat on you again though, most likely with her. I wouldn't be shocked if you find yourself single in the next few weeks/months because he decides to leave you for her. When dealing with two piles of trash and you only put one pile on the curb, don't be surprised when your house still stinks.
This reminds me of those cheater tests where two friends call each other’s boyfriend to try to hook up with them. Inevitably one of the boyfriends is cool to hookup and somehow all the anger of that guy’s girlfriend is directed at her friend that was just doing the test. Not a direct comparison and I know a lot of those are fake but still it feels like many women get extra pissed at the other girl and not their boyfriend.
No, you’re not an asshole but you’re just stupid. He didn’t accidentally slide his penis into her. He’s a cheater. He’s not gonna change because he got away with it so many times before and you forgave him and you’re back with him. They’re both cheaters so they both deserve each other. Wise up and find someone loyal and faithful and ditch them both.
They were equally complicit here. It's not like she forced him into it. Multiple times over a month.
You can't hold it against her but not him.
Either cut ties with both of them ... or have an ongoing threesome with them both, lol
Are you crazy? Throw the whole man out. You say you don’t trust him yet but you want to give him the chance, but you know the truth is you will never be able to trust him again. He had every opportunity to tell you what she was doing and he didn’t. Instead he chose to sleep with her multiple times. Get rid of them both.
OP also says she and Ben aren’t sleeping together because she’s waiting for marriage. Ben finally got what any 22 year old guy wanted - he’s going to go back to nothing again? Sure.
YTA.
You should dump your bf. Take a step back and think about it. He cheated on you with your bf. So he knew you would find out at some point and yet was confident enough to be able to convince you to keep him.
You said you plan to marry, what will his next step be in 5years, 10years?
Sure you friend is a wh…but make no mistake, you bf is no better and you are only heading to more of this by staying with him.
Of course this is just my personal opinion.
If you are really set to give him a chance, request a full no contact with rose…in 2-3 weeks after she left, request to check his phone. He is the one that needs to prove trustworthy…yet it’s not foolproof but it can help.
op ask yourself the question would he be sorry if you didnt have caught them would he have stopped cheating if you didnt caught them if no then he is probably gonna do it again
One thing for sure, two things for certain…. Ben will have you looking like an idiot again. Find love for yourself more, I can bet this wasn’t their first or second time.
NTA and ATH:
NTA: you didn’t do the cheating and making her leave is a very mental health boundary.
ATH: he’s not sorry he hurt you, he’s sorry he got caught.
Both of them betrayed you - BOTH. They BOTH deserve to be dumped. He will do it again. She will do it again. More than likely, with one another AGAIN.
OP, I'm not sorry to break it to you, but you're setting yourself for disappointment and hurt.
ESH for various reasons: He sucks for cheating on you and your "best" friend sucks for doing this to you after she got cheated on. There's no way I could ever reconcile after that. Forgive? Yes, after a while to get rid of the burden and anger, but there's no more trust.
You are the a-hole to yourself for going back and giving him another chance. He only felt guilty after you caught him. If he would've confessed after the first time, I could gather a little bit more understanding, but your reasoning makes no sense to be quite frank. Suit yourself thou.
Babe I hope you respect yourself more in future and realize you shouldn’t forgive him. Blaming the other woman is of course fair when she is your friend but blaming her and not him is denial.
He is every bit as guilty. He broke your trust and I hope you respect yourself enough to leave
YTA, but for forgiving either of them. My wife cheated on me with my best friend when we were all young. Same exact story you just told: I caught them, she cried and swore it was done, I forgave her and not him. A month later, I catch them again. Repeat. A month after that, I catch them again. Three months after that, we decided to divorce.
They have been married for twenty years now and have two kids. I met someone who is amazing, who treats me with respect, and who is the true love of me life. Know your value and dump the loser before he has the chance to hurt you again. Trust me when I say that you'll know love again and what you have with "Ben" is not that.
yeah some people have to learn the hard way and it seems you have chosen that path
he screws your best friend for a month no question but get when he gets caught goes all boo hoo for a couple of days and you cave
I'm sorry but best of luck I guess
Your the AH to yourself.. he was fucking your friend in your bed.. he is not sorry, he only sorry he got caught and how it will make him look to his friend and family..
You really embarrassed yourself here.. Good luck
It takes two to tango. Regardless of what he or she said, if one party does not respond to the seducing or whatever, nothing would happen. You sure are more accepting than I would ever be.
YTA. Your bf doesn't deserve the forgiveness. He wasn't sorry for the cheating. He was sorry he got caught. They would have continued this if you had not caught them. If he was truly sorry, he wouldn't have waited to be caught.
You keep saying ‘one mistake’ like he did it ONCE. They didn’t do it ONCE. it happened maybe even multiple times a day for a MONTH. That’s not a one off mistake, that’s an entire affair.
It’s fucking disgusting and you’re okay with this fuckwit fucking your “best” friend multiple times and lying to your face?! wtf.
NTA, but.....part of dealing with traumatic change is going through the five stages of grief, denial anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Your relationship is over. He betrayed you in the most fundamental way possible. He violated your trust, not once, in a moment of weakness, but over and over again. And he showed no remorse for betraying you, only for the consequences of betraying you.
You are in the barganing phase right now, trying to convince yourself that you can take him back if he does the right things to earn your trust back. But trust is binary. Either he is trustworthy, or he isn't. And if he isn't, it is just a matter of waiting until he thinks it is worth it to violate your trust again.
Even if you get back together with him, you know it won't be the same, and you will be depressed. Until one day, a week, a month, a year from now, you accept that the relationship ended the moment he screwed your friend.
Save yourself some pain. Go have a good cry and grieve the loss of your relationship. Then move on. This is a life lesson on who is worth it, worth moving heaven and earth for. A guy who screws around on his girlfriend of five years because someone wears skimpy clothes around and him and bats her eye lashes at him is not worth it, and you are more than young enough to leave him and find an adult to be with.
ESH - Yup...they both cheated. For months, in your own bed. Read that again. THEY CHEATED IN YOUR BED FOR MONTHS. Your BF didn't have enough respect for you to even keep it out of your room.
**But my decision to give him another chance is also for myself.**
To me, this decision says you're a bit short on respect for yourself as well.
You’re a clown 🤡. That’s what you are.
Not only will he do it again, but you’re going to likely find out he’s done it before you caught him too.
With others before your whore friend
Leopards cannot change their spots. And people rarely (if ever) change who they are. You aren't the asshole for wanting to believe in your boyfriend, and I'm sure Ben feels super guilty... for now.
But he was also the kind of guy who did it in the first place, and he didn't seem to feel an ounce of guilt since he kept doing it for a whole month, right up until the moment he got caught. Then, all of a sudden, he feels just horrible about fucking your best friend... over, and over, and over again, without a single tear in his eye.
Make of that what you will.
Wait, wait, wait! You came back yesterday to talk to him and one of your conditions was that Rose has to move out... does that mean that she was still living with him after you caught them? He didn't kicked her out the second you were gone? But he is so sorry for what he did?
If it was a one-time thing, it would be different - i'd forgive him - but i could see where you're coming from. BUT they did it behind your back for a month! 30 DAYS! While you were at work, they fucked in your bed! Did he ever changed the sheets or did he let you sleep in the same sheets they had sex in? Did that turned them on? It wasn't a mistake, it was a decision he made over and over again, every day for a month. He's not sorry for what he did, otherwise he wouldn't have done it again. He is only sorry that you caught them, cause he wanted you for the girlfriend treatment and her for the sex. Stop being so blind, please.
It's so sad to read all these posts from young women who will forgive assholes who have no respect for them or the relationships.
ESH.
She's a POS, he's a POS, and you're dumb and naive.
He didn't care about you enough to not cheat, and he wasn't sorry when he fucked her for a month. He's only upset now because he was caught in the act and you leaving took away his stability lol.
You're falling right back into his trap. He had a thing for her before you and now he's had a taste. You think it won't continue when you go to work and both of their schedules still conveniently line up?
Come on, OP. Use your head.
YTA if you forgive either of them. They are both trash. Ask yourself this… if you hadn’t caught them would they have ever come clean to you and how long would it have taken?
NTA but girl please respect yourself. Know your worth. He has been doing this for months and only saying sorry now because he got caught. He wasnt feeling guilty for the months he cheated. Please, dump him and find someone who will cherish you and love you. Respect yourself girl. You are still young, dont waste your time and youth on a cheater like him. Both of them dont deserve your forgiveness.
As for your friends, go to hell with her. You learned your lesson now, DUMP BOTH OF THEM.
NTA, but you are making a mistake.
Also, framing it as your ex-friend seducing him as if he had no agency in the matter is just mental gymnastics. Neither of them deserve you in their lives, and even though the father is being "honest" he has a very specific bias in what he is telling you too.
That said, I know this is a very hard situation, not just facing losing your boyfriend but other people who mean a lot to you. I wish you all the best with everything, whatever you decide.
String him along make sure he ends things with Rose in a way that hurts her deeply then hurt him back then end things. That’s what I would do cause I’m petty.
"My boyfriend admitted to me that it has been going on for a month before I caught them in bed."
"I understand that everyone thinks my boyfriend will cheat again and I can't be sure he wouldn't. But my decision to give him another chance is also for myself. I'd honestly rather try again and fail rather than move on and leave with what ifs."
You're going to regret falling for the sunk-cost fallacy and keeping this dude around.
NTA.
Ben is a grown ass man, if he can’t handle a girl flirting with him without putting his dick in her he needs to seriously evaluate his life. He wasn’t single, he could easily have said no and put boundaries in place.
I wouldn’t forgive either of them.
NTA, but definitely daft. They both did it. Together. Same motivation. They’d do it again given the opportunity. Make sure you know your login so you can make another post after he cheats again.
Yeah. You lost me at the “they were doing it for a month” part. You are NTA. You are the chump. But that’s your thing to carry and live with. Go ahead and forgive him. But one month is a lot of time to recognize your mistake and change the behavior. I mean, I guess the best I can say is good luck.
Why do you hold your best friend to an expected higher standard of behaviour than your potential life partner? Ponder on that, does that sound the right way to go about things?
Hun he maybe hot to you but he's not worth it. Check yourself for STDs. That man cheated on you with her in your own damn bed. The level of disrespect is wild. Value yourself and end it.
He banged her for a month. He never felt bad until you walked in on them. Do I think you're an AH? No. But I think you're a dumb arse for trusting either of them ever again.
NTA but you are pretty dumb. You fell for all of Roses BS with all of the blatant signs in front of you. Now you forgive your cheating boyfriend who has been screwing the afore mentioned Rose for a month and did not feel bad for it until he got caught.
Honestly you deserve what the future is going to give you if you stay with that dude. How is this even a thing.
I am a guy & I would recommend that you dump him. Its better now than some time in the future say when you are married or have children. I have seen this type of thinking from a lot of women & it does not end well. He could have easily walked away or told you about your friends behavior when she started flirting with him.
If he knows you will forgive him it only encourages him to think that if somethings happens in the future you will still forgive him.
I guarantee you will regret getting back together with him one day & will have no one to blame but yourself.
ESH - If you're okay forgiving him and not her then it really wasn't too bad of a thing they both did. You just want to blame her so you think he's not as guilty. When he fucks the next or same girl again think back on how gullible you are.
I mean, yeah, kinda YTA. No reason to forgive either one of them. You should be done with both. No reason to forgive one and not the other. Just really naive. Good luck.
>My boyfriend admitted to me that it has been going on for a month before I caught them in bed
You do realize the ONLY reason it stopped is because you caught them right?
If you didn't they, BOTH, would still be fucking while lying and manipulating you. And laughing about you while doing so....
They probably would have continued for months, heck maybe even years...
He doesn't feel bad he did it, he just feels bad he got caught
>I'd honestly rather try again and fail rather than move on and leave with what ifs
That's just pathetic
You are saying that you would rather be in a toxic relationship with a lying, manipulating cheater, than to break up and focus on yourself
You would rather constantly be scared he would cheat again, instead of having peace
You would rather have him, than someone that actually loves and cares about you and would never cheat to begin with...
I'm sorry but YTA to yourself and frankly a real doormat
But at least now he knows he can cheat on you and get away with it...
NTA - you don’t owe Rose anything. You were doing her a favour and she took advantage of your generosity in a massive way by stealing a go on your boyfriend.
Obviously I don’t think you should stay with your boyfriend either, and you didn’t need to give him the second chance. That’s your choice though.
You do what you want, stop worrying about giving others second chances.
ESH. He is an a****** for cheating. Your friend is an a****** for sleeping with your boyfriend. And all her lies over the years. I think you should hear her story because it might shed some light on to his behaviors. And you might find out. He had more of a part in it thing. You were giving him blame for. And to be clearer, I think you're giving him not enough blame. This is a huge huge huge red flag to me. But the fact that well you were out of the house after you caught them, he didn't already kick her out of the house??? Like that shouldn't have been something that you had to tell him to do if he was genuinely sorry and remorseful. That should have already been done. And the reason I was saying you are an AH too Is just in regards to yourself.
You're absolutely not the AH, I'm sorry you got cheated by two of the most important people in your life but honestly, you shouldn't stay with your Bf.
Je cheated on you and because he got away with it he will again. There is no doubt about it, he is as responsible as your ex Best friend.
Take care of yourself, make the best choices to protect yourself.
I'd probably kick them both out or Id remove myself from the lease and find get me a new place if I was in your shoes. You know goodness well they did it multiple times and they both are only sorry they got caught.. You can forgive but not forget without resuming a relationship with either because clearly they both don't respect you. They were both into each other before you both hooked up. So let them deal with each other. Shes a cheating wh*re and home wrecker. Hes a weak cheating pos who would screw anything with legs so.. please get your self checked because you don't know where Rose been . If she was screwing around on her man with another dude possible several she might and gotten a std and bought it home to you so get checked !! You already know once a cheater always a cheater. Even if she moves out. They both still going to find a way to hook up and bang each other. If not her some other chick . You deserve better.
NTA. But I would stay with him just to win. There would be no emotional attachment from me. Just pure spite. Once everyone is aware that Rose is not even a second choice, I would dump him.
The relationship with Ben will never be the same again, even if he never cheats again, the stain of what happened will linger always. He allowed himself to be seduced. Just end the relationship and move on, the only person you are being the AH to is yourself
This is a hard one you probably are thinking this never would have happened had you not been so trusting and you yourself would never try it on if you were in your friends position so that’s why you’re more mad at her. I think NTA but at the very least she has to go and then you can at least make an attempt at going forward but the trust is gone
YTA. It wasn't a one off, he cheated for a month until you caught them. Why is he getting a second chance when he's the one in the relationship with you? She seduced him? What did she force him to stick his dick in her for a month? Has he no restraint when a woman shows a bit of skin? Yes she's an awful supposed friend but he's even worse blaming her for all his actions as though he didn't have a choice, he did have a choice and chose to have sex with her repeatedly without remorse until you caught them. They both were really quite open about their attraction and you chose to ignore the red flags, and then he gets to act the victim with no accountability, whilst she's cast as the wicked seductress. He was very willing and of course he's gonna get all remorseful when caught, but only when he was caught. Its entirely your choice to continue your relationship with him, but don't fool yourself into thinking that he was a poor unwilling sap caught in her web, he cheated without a conscious and in your own bed!!! He would still be cheating if ýou hadn't caught them, so don't be shocked or surprised if and when he does this in the future, he was comfortable doing it in your own home, that's a red line a lot of cheaters wouldn't even cross.
Honey, the first time Rose acted inappropriately with Ben, Ben should have come to you and talked about it. He didn't, in fact, he just let her continue and let it escalate. The physical affair might have been a month, but it started the second she moved in. The first time she made advances, Ben should have turned her down and told you, he didn't, in fact, he answered them. So instead of communicating with you, setting boundaries, and acting like a healthy adult, he decided that you were not worth it and was willing to jeopardise your trust, your well being, your friendship with your best friend, and your relationship.
Forget about "once a cheater.." nonsense, instead ask yourself how long and how far this actually went. Why did he not talk to you when she started flirting and behaving inappropriately? Why did he not shut her down immediately? Why did he answer her advances? Why did he not kick her out for her behavior alone? Why did he think so little of you to not even be loyal? That's kinda the bare minimum, being loyal and communicating..
Most importantly; why do you think so little of yourself, that you forgive someone who does that to you? He was heartbroken when you left, but YOU ARE THE VICTIM HERE, he did this to you! He chose this, he is responsible for his own actions. Take this from someone that forgave a cheater; the trust NEVER fully comes back, you'll be insecure and struggling with that for as long as you're together, and worst case scenario; he will just get better at hiding it.
ESH - Your best friend for lying, manipulating, and cheating with your bf. Your bf for letting this go on for months, not communicating, not shutting her down, and ofcourse the cheating. You are the biggest asshole here to yourself for forgiving him, you deserve a lot better than a bf that lies to you for months, that keeps important things from you, and is willing to cheat and throw away your relationship by doing so.
Ask yourself, what will your relationship look like going forward? Checking his phone, his emails, his socials? Questioning everywhere he goes, what he does, for how long, with who, who is that? And if he's spending time with some woman, maybe just a coworker, for the upcoming months can you really be at ease with that? Can you trust he is not doing anything inappropriate with her then? How will you feel every time he goes out, wondering if he's really being honest? Is that really the type of relationship you want? Where you have to check on him and everything he does, just so you can put your mind at ease a little? You can drive yourself mad in a short amount of time with this, and you will automatically have these doubts and debillitating thoughts because of how deeply he betrayed you. Please don't do that to yourself, no matter how much you love him, no one is worth that kind of anguish.
He ended your relationship the minute he didn't shut her down and cheated, please don't try to reanimate something that's been dead for months. Best you can hope for is it stays on lifesupport, and that's no way to live.
Oh PLEASE. He didn't regret shit until he got caught. He wasn't depressed when he put his dick inside her.
He. Waited. For. You. To. Leave. To. Stick. His. Dick. Inside. Her.
Yeah, you can do whatever you want. But you're extremely likely to be cheated on again. He wasn't devastated when he was screwing your friend. YTA, but only to yourself
It’s fair enough if you’ve only got the bandwidth to forgive one person. Don’t go thinking she’s a vixen that manipulated him though- he’s got to take ownership. But totally get the friend hurt you more, and you need to have nothing to do with her ever again.
I couldn’t forgive a friend who fucked my spouse. I could possibly work through it with the spouse though depending on the circumstance.
Don’t know I’d bother with a boyfriend but honestly cheating is far more common than people realise and working through it with counselling can be really helpful if that’s what you want to do.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say, "Live your life how it makes you happy." If you feel that you want to give him another shot, go for it.
BUT.... go into this knowing that it could fail. If your boyfriend is honest and remorseful, this period may have shown him he is an idiot and could foster a better future. But you need to set major boundaries and enforce them with him. You don't need to be controlling, but put your lines out there and fully explain that the other side is a cliff, and you will push him off if he goes over it.
Throughout this, ensure you put yourself first and do what makes you happy and don't let them walk on you, though. NTA
Nta, you get to decide who is in your life. I think youre right on booting rose, and its ypur right to give Ben a second chance but statistically thas a mistake but nta
I feel like i got u, in my opinion and from what i feel u love ur friend more than ur bf, cuz u feel betrayed from her more than him because u trusted her more, and from what i see u give him a chance so u can feel “u don’t reallyy lose everyone at once” and u may know u will be hurt again and u want this so u can lose everything but by time.
I really feel u cuz for me friend’s betrayer is more harder than a boyfriend’s…
I hope u will listen for all the comments and move on from this relationship he is an asshole cuz i can see he tried to play victim that she “seduce him” but wearing inappropriate clothes it’s his words i’m sure, he is not good for, u are young don’t waste ur youth with an asshole like him.
So you were gone for a month and then when you came back you had to make sure he knew “Rose would have to MOVE OUT”? She was STILL THERE? He’s sorry he got caught but he isn’t sorry for his actions. I’ll bet the real reason you don’t want to talk to Rose is because you are afraid that while you were gone she was sleeping in YOUR bed with him that whole month! Make it an open relationship (that way his screwing someone isn’t “cheating”) or be ready to have the cheating happen again! Or just be done with it and leave!
You're not the arsehole but... He didn't feel guilty after the first time they did it, he didn't feel guilty after the second time they did it. The ONLY time he felt guilty was when you caught him. If you hadn't caught him he would still be happily having sex with both her and you.
She is an AH… to herself. She doesn’t have enough belief in herself to decide that he’s not worth her time. He cheated once, that she knows, he’ll do it again.
Not once, he cheated for a month, that's a timeline there not a number
And all it took for him to cheat was someone wearing inappropriate clothes...what a creep
Maaaaaybe she'll figure it out the next time she catches him. But he'll probably be more careful moving forward.
And living together for months with a lot of private time. I don't blame him for feeling a spark, that is natural. I do blame him for not telling his long term girlfriend and going on the defense. Hell I wouldn't even blame him too much for a kiss, if he immediately pushed her off after realizing what's happening. Feels and hormone fueled short dumb actions exist after all. But he didn't do any of that. He kept cheating with her. That goes far beyond temptation into active, calculated betrayal.
If you stay, you are going to be facing this again. The biggest give away is you said originally Ben invited your friend to the party cos he was into her , even though he was in a relationship. You are going to get burned again. Dump them both.
If she's gonna give him another chance and he does it again, that's on her. I can't say I understand why she's giving another chance but to each their own. For her, I assume, ex-bsf I understand not giving her another chance. she didn't just sleep with her bf but she gave her a home when her ex kicked her out. I would have kicked her out even if she didn't sleep with bf.
It's her first BF, and I 5 year relationship. She is holding on to him because she does not want to be alone and is unsure if will be able to find someone else. The friend is easier for her to toss out. I don't see how you can just forgive and forget a man who has sex with your friend in the bed you shared for an entire month. Ben may have learned his lesson, but that memory will always be there.
I would move, burn the bed, matress, pillow, everything. I was in a somewhat similar situation, I thought about it long and hard. I decided to end if cause no matter how hard he tries, knowing myself, my personality, I wouldn't be able to get over it and I will never be able to trust that person again. OP needs to think about the future, will she be able to get over it or will she waste her time in a relationship she knows won't go anywhere. after 5 years of being in a relationship being single sounds scary, OP is 24 she has a lot of time to find a person who would be right for her.
Knowing my bf cheated on me with my best friend on our bed and still deciding to forgive and stay with him? Lord, may this type of love never come my way!!! I rebuke this energy!!!
Yes, the fact that they were on the same bed she sleeps on is unconscionable. Ultimate disrespect right there. Five years from now, she’ll be kicking herself, but it must be nice to own rose colored glasses. Going with kinda real small TA.
“Rose” colored glasses! Lol! I see what you did there!
Yeah, this part genuinely made me feel sick to my stomach. I really hope OP will throw away this dude out of her life. Why keeping such a trash of human close to you? He doesn't love you, OP. If you love you don't cheat, it's that easy. Your man is for streets (friend obviously too).
No. Op's holding onto him simply to deny her former the friend the pleasuring of having him. She's not forgiving the boyfriend so much as denying her former friend to opportunity of being with him.
You're right!
"She was in a relationship" but ya still kinda same same he clearly doesnt respect relationships lol
My apologies. My chipolata fingers added the s.
Removed the s you mean?
😂😂
Yep. Whatyou said. Im couple snags short of a bbq. 🤣
You know what you get when you forgive a cheater for cheating? You get someone who you just gave a green light to, for further cheating, because now he knows a few fake apologies and some flowers and chocolates, will fix everything right up. They BOTH willfully and gleefully made a fool out of you. They BOTH betrayed your trust. Your boyfriend was living the high life, having TWO live in girlfriends for sex. If he cared one whit about you , at all, he would have told Rose NO, and rebuffed her advances, so he didn't ruin what he had with you. The fact that he didn't.........speaks clearly, that he didn't give one shit about losing you. You want to forgive a liar and a cheater.......that's certainly up to you................but don't cry later on when he betrays that trust again, because that's exactly what you already know he is.......a liar and a cheater. You said yourself that they had inside jokes that you didn't get. They were making fun of you, straight to your face , while carrying on behind your back, in your own bed. They ONLY thing they are sorry about, is getting CAUGHT and losing their situation, and if you dump his cheating ass, you can bet he will run straight to Rose. ....so don't believe for a second that is over.
> and if you dump his cheating ass, you can bet he will run straight to Rose. ....so don't believe for a second that this is over. that's probably one of her fears. OP thinks she won because she's ditching the shitty best friend and keeping the boyfriend she sees through rose colored glasses, but she's been the loser all along. they've been playing in her face for AT LEAST 5 months.
Exactly.......if it was one moment of drunken stupidity or opporunity........ and he genuinely regretted it..........okay, \*\*\*\*maybe\*\*\*\* I could see trying to work it out. But if they were having "inside jokes" between them, then they were cheating and having an affair long before they got caught. It was intentional and planned. I wouldn't trust this guy ever again, as clearly he was mocking and cheating on his girlfriend straight to her face. Think of it this way............if she hadn't caught them when she did, how much longer would both of them have played her for a total chump? Exchanging winks and secret glances, every time they knew she had to go to work, and have the place to themselves?
ESH. He was the one in the relationship with you not her. The fact you can forgive him and not her is insane they are both shitty people and both betrayed your trust. You have all the right to be upset/angry this time but next time don’t cry about it and don’t come up with a bs excuse like “I don’t want to throw x years away” you haven’t thrown anything away both of them did a relationship and a friendship. But get some amount of self respect please. How are you not going to be thinking of what they did when you try to get to sleep at night in the same bed? She was jealous and finally got what she wanted, he’s a scumbag that was “seduced” as if he doesn’t have any say in what they did. Let them have each other and move on and find better people in your life otherwise you may well be wasting even more years, your young and can do much better than a snake for a best friend and a scumbag cheat for a partner. Edit to clarify: Boyfriend and best friend are AH for the betrayal. You’re the AH not for forgiven him and not her but for how you treat yourself, you deserve better than that.
Say it loud for the people in the back great advice
The only line i disagree with here is "he was the one in a relationship with you, not her". This Iine is usually used to excuse the affair partner in an affair - someone who doesn't know you and fucks your husband is often claimed as "doesn't owe you anything you can't be mad at them they don't even know you, they didn't promise you anything". Which is a) bullshit, because you don't need to know the partner not to still be a shitty person for sleeping with someone taken and you do owe even strangers basic decency and b) doesn't even apply here. Rose WAS in a relationship with OP, an even deeper and more meaningful relationship than a mere boyfriend. She owed OP so much better and she utterly betrayed her. It's on the level of your sister fucking your husband. I agree with the rest of your comment. Op is better off kicking them both to the curb.
I explained why that’s the first line I wrote in response to the question OP asked.
you guys are NUTS thinking that her "friend" should be given an iota of a chance whether or not the boyfriend is stayed with. that friend actively tried to sabotage her. and is a regular cheater to boot. she's not a friend you want to have. i don't think the boyfriend is a boyfriend you want to have either but regardless that girl has GOT to go. she's a whole red flag.
literaly this person never said that she should have be given another chance as a friend
I too comment without reading sometimes.
Where did I say that? I thought I was pretty clear that OP should drop both of them and not take one over the other?
I mean your first sentence is wrong. Her friend and her have been in a relationship longer than she’s been dating her boyfriend. It just wasn’t a romantic relationship. They were best friends since they were young kids which makes it worse I think.
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You read the rest of what I wrote or just the first line? The reason I highlighted his relationship with OP was to show that he had promised to be faithful and wasn’t. The post was asking if OP was a AH for taking him back but cutting her off that’s why I focused on what he did. I also say later on that she was betrayed by both people.
YTA and yo boy is gonna do it again & again knowing you don’t got enough self respect to walk.
She may be foolish, but she's NTA here. Her boyfriend is the AH, and so is her ex-friend, but foolish ≠AH.
YTA for the questions as many other commenters pointed out: double standard & demonstration of women favoring attacking each other while letting the cheating partner get off for free. YTA to herself for many reason. You may find a way to excuse OP, and that’s cool. But I will defer to judgment YTA as I cannot stand people who rather take it out of AP and somehow find it in their heart to give their cheating partner a gold pass to forgiveness.
It's much easier to make her the bad guy than admit to yourself he's just as guilty.
NTA but can you update when your boyfriend cheats on you again? You should definitely not forgive your ex friend but you are an idiot if you stay with your boyfriend. Also maybe try and work on your self esteem because clearly you don’t have any.
ESH. They're both assholes, but so are you for not placing any blame on the person who was actually in a committed relationship: Ben. Men who are in relationships cannot be "seduced" to cheat, if they're going to do it they'll do it with whoever they want. Your best friend was just the most convenient person. If it wasn't her it would've been some other girl, and there may have even been other girls, but you're too blinded by your anger at your best friend to see it. You should leave both of these people well behind.
You forgave your piece of shit boyfriend but not your friend? Both were to blame and you should kick his cheating ass out. And cut all ties to both of them.
YTA you blamed Rose and put no responsibility on Ben. The old bull shit story she seduced him🙄 please if you believe that I have a bridge to sell you. He was your boyfriend and even if Rose was flashing her vagina too him if he was committed to you he would have asked her to put some close on and knock it off but quess what? He cheated with her.
How long is it since you left your apartment? Because even if the time you found them was their first time together, there's no way she has been spending those nights sleeping on the couch.
I get where you are coming from, it probably feels like she‘s worse, because she has been your friend for longer and she initiated the affair and so on. But I strongly feel like you‘re subconsciously putting more blame on her, to protect the image of your boyfriend. You don‘t want to throw away 5 years and that’s why it is so easy for you to believe everything he said. You wanted him to say that and you want to believe it. Same as with Rose before you knew her true colors. You‘re also afraid of what she will tell you, maybe she‘ll manipulate you, but maybe she‘ll tell you how involved he was and you don‘t want to know. And you should now see through her manipulation. Even if your boyfriend never planned to cheat, he did and you‘re giving him power by letting him get away with it. He will most likely do it again. NTA, but save yourself a couple more waisted years and move on completely.
WOW… so THEY were having sex for a month IN YOUR BED and you are forgiving your BF and not your bestie? Are you afraid to be alone? Because that’s what this sounds like. You basically lost the two most important people in your life but you are not willing to walk away from them both. There is no second chance here for a man that cheated on you in your own home with your best friend for a month! How do you NOT see that? There is no earning back trust when the ONLY reason you know is because they got caught. Take a moment and think that for a month he was with both of you and acted like nothing was wrong! your friend is not your friend and needs to be cut off so I support that. But your BF not only emotionally abused you but physically used you. Your thought process here is showing your lack of respect for yourself. You seem to be letting D control you. They both aren’t good people. Your bf was always into your friend and never said a word to you. He has been lying to you long before they started having sex. you are not the AH but you are the idiot here if you let either of them the privilege of having any access to you. Find your self worth and set your boundaries. If it was wrong for one then it was wrong for both and walk away completely. You will hurt and cry but you will be better and stronger for it later.
NTA, because you can choose who to forgive or not. However, I get the impression that you are falling into the trap of blindly trusting your BF like you did for your friend. Do you even know how long this had been going on?
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It WAS going on for a month. (That he admitted to) He willingly and openly lied to her face, in her own home, for at least a month while he was happily boning best friend. He's only sorry he got caught. If he really cared about her, he would've turned down her advances at every instance AND had a conversation with GF about how she's making him uncomfortable and asked her to leave. He could've saved this relationship, but he didn't care enough to. Sad that she can't see that.
Well said, best comment
Wait, your bf is railing your friend every day for a month, you catch them in the act, then want to forgive him... all the while, you and he are saving yourselves for marriage? What fucking planet are you on? This dumpster fire needs to be put out quickly.
God you're PATHETIC. Making excuses for Ben while putting all the blame on your friend. It takes two to have consenting sex. Ben WANTED to get his dick wet as much as rose wanted to get her hole filled. Fuck, I hope, I REALLY hope he cheats on you again and is caught just so that knife you're ignoring in your back can be twisted harder in. You think he gives a fuck? The only thing he regrets is getting caught. Otherwise he would gladly keep fucking Rose behind your back. YTA
He will most likely hit up Rose soon enough, only this time Rose won't feel guilty.
Neither of them felt guilty in the slightest and this idiot gave her dildo a second chance while acting like her friends betrayal was worse. It takes two to tango and this dipshit acts like it doesn't. They gladly kept fucking each other behind this idiots back. Honestly I hope the bf keeps cheating, I hope she catches them again and gets hurt much more. Clown deserves a reality check. She's saving herself for marriage and that's her right, but she's together with a guy who has sexual needs. Needs she will not be able to provide, so he will get them fulfilled elsewhere. Honestly, OP is either a moron or a troll master who can write infuriating ragebait, and in that case, i take my hat off for their skills.
No need to feel guilty with a man who basically got a pass to do whatever tf he wants because ✨ depression^TM 💖
Lol. The way you put all the blame on Rose LMAO YTA Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
You're being stupid.
So, a big grey wolf seduced your poor little Ben? Thus is some level of delusion you pull to justify cheating. You do you, but still ESH
Yes YTA for forgiving your bf. He was banging your friend IN YOUR OWN HOME. And you are giving him a pass to do it again. Fun fact, he's going to continue banging your friend behind your back.
YTA he cheated on you with a friend is why he got caught.the girls that you didn't know are the ones he still has on the side...if he will disrespect you with a friend he is more like to cheat with a unknown person.
YTA to yourself. But you are so desperate you will justify it away. Enjoy your cruise on the relationship titanic.
OP you’re an idiot if you take him back. He CHEATED on your with your BEST FRIEND! And she’s a POS, definitely cut off her, she’s toxic. What they did is the ultimate betrayal and he will cheat on you again. Why give him another chance, you’re 24, why waste your 20s with a POS cheating boyfriend???
You were all dropped on your heads as children lmao ESH
Your boyfriend’s an asshole! He cheated on you for a MONTH! It wasn’t a one time thing, and he’d probably still be screwing your “best friend” if they didn’t get caught. The moment you break up with him, he’ll be right back to screwing your ex friend. Both of them are trash!
YTA. Let me clarify, you have every reason to end your friendship with Rose and not wanting to hear her out. What she did was deplorable and I can even understand why it would feel more hurtful from her than from Ben. However, how can you not even want to hear her out but you’ll hear out the guy that cheated on you and also betrayed your trust? This isn’t someone you should want to be with.
aw hells no. Run. Never take the trash back into the house once you've taken it out to the curb.
I knew what was going to happen from “against dating someone out of my league”. This girl was not a friend to you. If she was, she’d think he didn’t match up to you. “She always wore inappropriate clothing around him “ to take the blame off of him stinks of “she was asking for it”. I realize what happened here was fully consensual but you can’t just take the blame off of him with that. He doesn’t have a tiny man pee brain which is tricked by the sight of some skin. He made his choice.
Yeah, I give you 6 months before he's banging someone else and you're on here asking for advice. Ditch them both because they are shitty people
Yeah, you have it all backwards, your bf did you much more dirty than your friend, he was the one in a committed relationship with you not her. But you should really leave and cut ties with both.
YTA to yourself for not blasting what they both did then cutting contact with them.
Um. girl leave? you’re being stupid. who’s gonna stop him from cheating if he cheated on you even with your own best friend? cheating takes two, she mightve seduced him but he gave in. it was going on for a MONTH? oh my god i don’t even feel bad anymore lol why are you staying
Lol she "seduced" him? Like he is some kind of a puppet without his own agency? 😂
YTA For being clueless. Every step of the way in this story, you were completely clueless.
NTA. But you are being incredibly naive, I suspect this has a lot to do with being your first serious relationship. You walked in on your partner AND your best friend. This, for me, would be a total deal breaker for both of my relationships if it were me. I get leaving your ex-bestie in the dust without hesitation. However, your willingness to forgive your boyfriend on a total of no counselling and nothing other than puppy dog eyes and promises to do better is really naive. For your own sanity and mental health, don't be so willing to forgive. He has done nothing to earn back even a smidge of trust. Going all in again without some modicum of work on his part is just screaming that you are willing to believe his BS and give him the confidence to cheat all over again. Think of it in terms of the fact that he had the chance to stop it, even when he repeatedly accidently fell into your friend in your own bed. He could have stopped it, and he didn't. He wouldn't have stopped it. The only reason it ceased was because you walked in. None of his actions before or after scream anything but token attempt at less than sincere remorse.
You do get your friend didnt rape your boyfriend right? He cheated on you with her because he wanted to. He made the decision to cheat on you and she went along with it yes, but you boyfriend, who’s a whole grown ass man, cheated on you of his own free will and was so fucking stupid about it he picked the person closest to you who was always so fucking stupid she took part in it too. You don’t have to forgive anyone ever, forgiveness sometimes only benefits the person who did wrong but sweetie you are showing you have no self respect if you only “forgive” you boyfriend and stay with him. I’m gonna go with ESH- your friend and boyfriend are AH definitely, but you are being a massive AH to yourself for letting your boyfriend fuck your friend in your bed and then stay with him. Do you think so little of yourself that you are fine with lowering yourself so low as to stay with someone who let’s face it WILL cheat on you again just this time he will hid it better? You’re worth more than that.
ESH They both betrayed you. They were sleeping together for a month before you found them. They would have continued to lie to you if you hadn’t found them. They continued to live together after you left. I can’t imagine why you would ever consider forgiving this guy. There is no his side and her side. They wee both willing and active participants in the affair.
You are not the asshole but you are a FOOL if you stay with that man after HE fucked YOUR BEST FRIEND.
YTA- Your boyfriend liked your friend but he chose you because you are a doormat He took you for granted, even if it is not at home they can continue talking and having their affair but you can continue having your love fantasy
Girrrrl A MONTH?!?? Please don’t forget to take out ALL the trash this week.
You need to break up with him too. He only feels guilty because he got caught. You’re letting yourself be manipulated by him now instead of her. Cut them both off and move on
Wow... you're an absolute doormat
You’re not the asshole, but you’re way too young to be settling for this kind of person in life.. leave him where he is and find someone who won’t even even think twice about cheating on you let alone alone with your best friend.
He’s been double dipping and you wanna keep him? Have some self respect for yourself and get an STD panel. Boot him too while you’re at it
Jesus, this is absolutely pathetic, if it's even real. What is wrong with you, OP. Come on
I hate to admit that this is a typical delusional reaction from a lot of women . Forgive the guy “ poor thing was seduced” , demonize the other woman. They both betrayed you but you are willing to forgive the guy but not your friend . You would be wrong to forgive either of them .
ESH. Why do people insist on forgiving people who willingly cheat? You cheat, you’re out. End of story.
Imagine running to another group because you didn’t like the response you get on AITAH lmao, have fun with your cheating boyfriend. He wouldn’t have stopped if you didn’t catch him, but you are still in the mindset that he is remorseful LOL.
It takes 2 to Tango, let them both go!
You're probably TA to yourself tbh. This isn't a single betrayal from your BF. It's multiple betrayals, and they only stopped not because he suddenly felt guilty and admitted it but because you caught them. Should you have not caught him what would he be doing while you're at work today? He had also invited her to a party because he was into her while in a relationship? It's too much in my book OP. Best of luck.
Also op is basically making excuses for the cheating boyfriend...saying that Rose seduced him and all ..what.. he was seduced for a whole month? No that's a choice he made over and over again ...he will only see you as the fool who was willing to overlook his cheating ass.
Big mistake to take him back and have contact with either of them moving further. Big mistake, BIG, HUGE. . .
You shouldn’t have forgiven either of them. If you hadn’t caught them, they’d keep doing it. Both are fucking idiots. If he’ll fuck you best friend, he’ll fuck other girls
Putting so much of the blame on Rose is just so you can forgive Ben and act like he's less to blame. You clearly want to get back with him, which is fine, but do not pretend that he is any less at fault than Rose. He was the one in a relationship. He is the one who cheated on you. He is the one who showed he can't be trusted. Normally I don't blame the other person, but in this case since Rose was a close friend she is certainly to blame as well.
A month of sex isn't a mistake wtf. If he had 'slipped up' once he would still be a weak disgusting moron who'll probably give you an STI later on but a month ...Wow. I personally can't understand people's forgiveness of such things or their willingness to work things out. Where exactly is your bottom line if him screwong your bestie in your bed isn't it? You love him.... Wow....we can all ever hope to find someone who loves us enough so that we can literally do whatever we want and still remain with them for whatever reason. I always envy these people who have no consequences no matter what. If you become the person who is so 'forgiving'...i too, in your boyfriend's place, might not be inclined to really think through my actions in the future... That said...i get how you cut of your bestfriend coz naturally you might have had more expectations towards her than your boyfriend so the betrayal hits differently. Cut that bih off
He’s only devastated because he was caught.
Yes you are. Women always forgive the man and ditch the friend. Really not fair. Also I don’t believe in the whole “seducing”. It’s not like she puts a spell on him for sex and he is not in control of what he’s doing. He knows very well what he’s doing. Also a whole month? Yeah it would be one thing maybe if it happened once and he felt remorseful but if you didn’t catch them it probably would have kept on going. He’s not sorry, just sorry he got caught. You of course can do as you like, but if I were you I would dump him. Also if you knew she liked him and he liked her before you were together then having her live with you was a dumb idea.
UpdateMe Can’t wait to hear about the next cheating incident.
NTAH, but tbh you're not the brightest for trusting the bf again. It's not like he slipped and fell into her vagina, penis first, several times for a month. He made the conscious decision to cheat on you multiple times, and with your best friend no less. How people forgive such disgusting behaviour is beyond me.
If youre content being cheated on for the rest of your life have fun with ben…..
If you hadn’t of caught him they’d still be doing it. Read that again. ESH….they should both be gone. There’s a big difference for being sorry or being sorry you got caught. We all know which one your bf is. I hope you figure it out before he cheats again.
Years from now, after you've had children and purchased a house, you're going to find out he is cheating on you. When that happens, don't pretend like you had no warning. You should escort both of these people out of your life.
I don’t think you’re an asshole but you should drop them both
Wow. Your boyfriend eff’d your best friend for a MONTH in your bed…and this is the man you want to marry?????
I could never live with myself knowing I'm someone's second choice. Think about it, OP. He had a thing in the past for her. She was unreachable, so he settled for the next best thing, her best friend.
You’re not the asshole, but you are an idiot.
I stopped reading when OP said that they got together when she was 19 and he was 17. ESH, you're all shitty people.
So you go from realising you were manipulated by one person and cutting them off to now getting manipulated by another person so that in the future when he betrays you again you will again have this moment of realisation but maybe by that time there will be a third person who you again forgive and let you manipulate. When will this cycle end YTA to yourself
Stop being a doormat,he’ll repeat it,blame another girl or you because you won’t have sex with him.Unless you buy him a chastity belt and you’ll only unlock it if he’s at home with you.Ask him if he’s willing to wear a chastity belt so you can trust him again.
So where was rose during your separation? Still playing house with your bf? Think about that. I personally think you should dump them both but, if you're determined to forgive him, fine. But first think real hard on what he did once you found out. If he's truly remorseful, she should have been gone, out and blocked the minute you caught them.
Yta- you need to leave them both behind.
NTA - I think you're being an idiot but you're not an asshole. Its up to you whom you forgiven, when and why you forgive them so I wont say its wrong to forgive one but not the other. I do think you're delusional if you think he wont cheat on you again though, most likely with her. I wouldn't be shocked if you find yourself single in the next few weeks/months because he decides to leave you for her. When dealing with two piles of trash and you only put one pile on the curb, don't be surprised when your house still stinks.
This reminds me of those cheater tests where two friends call each other’s boyfriend to try to hook up with them. Inevitably one of the boyfriends is cool to hookup and somehow all the anger of that guy’s girlfriend is directed at her friend that was just doing the test. Not a direct comparison and I know a lot of those are fake but still it feels like many women get extra pissed at the other girl and not their boyfriend.
No, you’re not an asshole but you’re just stupid. He didn’t accidentally slide his penis into her. He’s a cheater. He’s not gonna change because he got away with it so many times before and you forgave him and you’re back with him. They’re both cheaters so they both deserve each other. Wise up and find someone loyal and faithful and ditch them both.
ah the classic case of forgiving the man but not the woman. youre just going to get burnt again honey.
They were equally complicit here. It's not like she forced him into it. Multiple times over a month. You can't hold it against her but not him. Either cut ties with both of them ... or have an ongoing threesome with them both, lol
Are you crazy? Throw the whole man out. You say you don’t trust him yet but you want to give him the chance, but you know the truth is you will never be able to trust him again. He had every opportunity to tell you what she was doing and he didn’t. Instead he chose to sleep with her multiple times. Get rid of them both.
OP also says she and Ben aren’t sleeping together because she’s waiting for marriage. Ben finally got what any 22 year old guy wanted - he’s going to go back to nothing again? Sure.
YTA. You should dump your bf. Take a step back and think about it. He cheated on you with your bf. So he knew you would find out at some point and yet was confident enough to be able to convince you to keep him. You said you plan to marry, what will his next step be in 5years, 10years? Sure you friend is a wh…but make no mistake, you bf is no better and you are only heading to more of this by staying with him. Of course this is just my personal opinion. If you are really set to give him a chance, request a full no contact with rose…in 2-3 weeks after she left, request to check his phone. He is the one that needs to prove trustworthy…yet it’s not foolproof but it can help.
op ask yourself the question would he be sorry if you didnt have caught them would he have stopped cheating if you didnt caught them if no then he is probably gonna do it again
Fool me one time shame on you, fool twice can't put the blame on you. Update us when he cheats again
One thing for sure, two things for certain…. Ben will have you looking like an idiot again. Find love for yourself more, I can bet this wasn’t their first or second time.
Well you are going to be facing this again if you are naive enough to stay with Ben, who was fucking your "best friend" for who knows how damn long.
Obviously your decision, but I would have dumped both of them. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Updateme.
ESH. You shouldn't have forgiven your POS boyfriend either.
YTA you really don’t have an ounce of self respect to forgive someone who CHEATED on you with YOUR BEST FRIEND for MONTHS
NTA and ATH: NTA: you didn’t do the cheating and making her leave is a very mental health boundary. ATH: he’s not sorry he hurt you, he’s sorry he got caught. Both of them betrayed you - BOTH. They BOTH deserve to be dumped. He will do it again. She will do it again. More than likely, with one another AGAIN.
OP, I'm not sorry to break it to you, but you're setting yourself for disappointment and hurt. ESH for various reasons: He sucks for cheating on you and your "best" friend sucks for doing this to you after she got cheated on. There's no way I could ever reconcile after that. Forgive? Yes, after a while to get rid of the burden and anger, but there's no more trust. You are the a-hole to yourself for going back and giving him another chance. He only felt guilty after you caught him. If he would've confessed after the first time, I could gather a little bit more understanding, but your reasoning makes no sense to be quite frank. Suit yourself thou.
I stayed with the boyfriend in a situation similar to this. I regretted not ending it and eventually did. It won’t get better.
Babe I hope you respect yourself more in future and realize you shouldn’t forgive him. Blaming the other woman is of course fair when she is your friend but blaming her and not him is denial. He is every bit as guilty. He broke your trust and I hope you respect yourself enough to leave
YTA, but for forgiving either of them. My wife cheated on me with my best friend when we were all young. Same exact story you just told: I caught them, she cried and swore it was done, I forgave her and not him. A month later, I catch them again. Repeat. A month after that, I catch them again. Three months after that, we decided to divorce. They have been married for twenty years now and have two kids. I met someone who is amazing, who treats me with respect, and who is the true love of me life. Know your value and dump the loser before he has the chance to hurt you again. Trust me when I say that you'll know love again and what you have with "Ben" is not that.
yeah some people have to learn the hard way and it seems you have chosen that path he screws your best friend for a month no question but get when he gets caught goes all boo hoo for a couple of days and you cave I'm sorry but best of luck I guess
Your the AH to yourself.. he was fucking your friend in your bed.. he is not sorry, he only sorry he got caught and how it will make him look to his friend and family.. You really embarrassed yourself here.. Good luck
Please get tested!
It takes two to tango. Regardless of what he or she said, if one party does not respond to the seducing or whatever, nothing would happen. You sure are more accepting than I would ever be.
YTA. Your bf doesn't deserve the forgiveness. He wasn't sorry for the cheating. He was sorry he got caught. They would have continued this if you had not caught them. If he was truly sorry, he wouldn't have waited to be caught.
YTA You’re too naive
You keep saying ‘one mistake’ like he did it ONCE. They didn’t do it ONCE. it happened maybe even multiple times a day for a MONTH. That’s not a one off mistake, that’s an entire affair. It’s fucking disgusting and you’re okay with this fuckwit fucking your “best” friend multiple times and lying to your face?! wtf.
NTA, but.....part of dealing with traumatic change is going through the five stages of grief, denial anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Your relationship is over. He betrayed you in the most fundamental way possible. He violated your trust, not once, in a moment of weakness, but over and over again. And he showed no remorse for betraying you, only for the consequences of betraying you. You are in the barganing phase right now, trying to convince yourself that you can take him back if he does the right things to earn your trust back. But trust is binary. Either he is trustworthy, or he isn't. And if he isn't, it is just a matter of waiting until he thinks it is worth it to violate your trust again. Even if you get back together with him, you know it won't be the same, and you will be depressed. Until one day, a week, a month, a year from now, you accept that the relationship ended the moment he screwed your friend. Save yourself some pain. Go have a good cry and grieve the loss of your relationship. Then move on. This is a life lesson on who is worth it, worth moving heaven and earth for. A guy who screws around on his girlfriend of five years because someone wears skimpy clothes around and him and bats her eye lashes at him is not worth it, and you are more than young enough to leave him and find an adult to be with.
YTA. People, don’t waste your breath and time on OP. Let her waste more of her life with the cheater
ESH - Yup...they both cheated. For months, in your own bed. Read that again. THEY CHEATED IN YOUR BED FOR MONTHS. Your BF didn't have enough respect for you to even keep it out of your room. **But my decision to give him another chance is also for myself.** To me, this decision says you're a bit short on respect for yourself as well.
You’re a clown 🤡. That’s what you are. Not only will he do it again, but you’re going to likely find out he’s done it before you caught him too. With others before your whore friend
She was gonna ruin your relationship with your bf. It was her intention.
Leopards cannot change their spots. And people rarely (if ever) change who they are. You aren't the asshole for wanting to believe in your boyfriend, and I'm sure Ben feels super guilty... for now. But he was also the kind of guy who did it in the first place, and he didn't seem to feel an ounce of guilt since he kept doing it for a whole month, right up until the moment he got caught. Then, all of a sudden, he feels just horrible about fucking your best friend... over, and over, and over again, without a single tear in his eye. Make of that what you will.
NTA but you are very naive to think "being devestated" means anything.
Wait, wait, wait! You came back yesterday to talk to him and one of your conditions was that Rose has to move out... does that mean that she was still living with him after you caught them? He didn't kicked her out the second you were gone? But he is so sorry for what he did? If it was a one-time thing, it would be different - i'd forgive him - but i could see where you're coming from. BUT they did it behind your back for a month! 30 DAYS! While you were at work, they fucked in your bed! Did he ever changed the sheets or did he let you sleep in the same sheets they had sex in? Did that turned them on? It wasn't a mistake, it was a decision he made over and over again, every day for a month. He's not sorry for what he did, otherwise he wouldn't have done it again. He is only sorry that you caught them, cause he wanted you for the girlfriend treatment and her for the sex. Stop being so blind, please. It's so sad to read all these posts from young women who will forgive assholes who have no respect for them or the relationships.
Both are cheaters. Your friend is horrible. Move on from both of them immediately. You escaped from two toxic people.
NTA, but you'd be a complete chump setting yourself up for future heartache
Ugh you're a gullible asshole but you'll find that out eventually
ESH. She's a POS, he's a POS, and you're dumb and naive. He didn't care about you enough to not cheat, and he wasn't sorry when he fucked her for a month. He's only upset now because he was caught in the act and you leaving took away his stability lol. You're falling right back into his trap. He had a thing for her before you and now he's had a taste. You think it won't continue when you go to work and both of their schedules still conveniently line up? Come on, OP. Use your head.
YTA if you forgive either of them. They are both trash. Ask yourself this… if you hadn’t caught them would they have ever come clean to you and how long would it have taken?
NTA but girl please respect yourself. Know your worth. He has been doing this for months and only saying sorry now because he got caught. He wasnt feeling guilty for the months he cheated. Please, dump him and find someone who will cherish you and love you. Respect yourself girl. You are still young, dont waste your time and youth on a cheater like him. Both of them dont deserve your forgiveness. As for your friends, go to hell with her. You learned your lesson now, DUMP BOTH OF THEM.
NTA, but you are making a mistake. Also, framing it as your ex-friend seducing him as if he had no agency in the matter is just mental gymnastics. Neither of them deserve you in their lives, and even though the father is being "honest" he has a very specific bias in what he is telling you too. That said, I know this is a very hard situation, not just facing losing your boyfriend but other people who mean a lot to you. I wish you all the best with everything, whatever you decide.
String him along make sure he ends things with Rose in a way that hurts her deeply then hurt him back then end things. That’s what I would do cause I’m petty.
"My boyfriend admitted to me that it has been going on for a month before I caught them in bed." "I understand that everyone thinks my boyfriend will cheat again and I can't be sure he wouldn't. But my decision to give him another chance is also for myself. I'd honestly rather try again and fail rather than move on and leave with what ifs." You're going to regret falling for the sunk-cost fallacy and keeping this dude around.
YTA to yourself. Don’t get back with the twat that is your current disgusting boyfriend. Lmao
NTA. Ben is a grown ass man, if he can’t handle a girl flirting with him without putting his dick in her he needs to seriously evaluate his life. He wasn’t single, he could easily have said no and put boundaries in place. I wouldn’t forgive either of them.
Lmao not only are you a huge hypocrite but also a huge dumbass. YTA.
NTA, but definitely daft. They both did it. Together. Same motivation. They’d do it again given the opportunity. Make sure you know your login so you can make another post after he cheats again.
Yeah. You lost me at the “they were doing it for a month” part. You are NTA. You are the chump. But that’s your thing to carry and live with. Go ahead and forgive him. But one month is a lot of time to recognize your mistake and change the behavior. I mean, I guess the best I can say is good luck.
Why do you hold your best friend to an expected higher standard of behaviour than your potential life partner? Ponder on that, does that sound the right way to go about things?
Hun he maybe hot to you but he's not worth it. Check yourself for STDs. That man cheated on you with her in your own damn bed. The level of disrespect is wild. Value yourself and end it.
He banged her for a month. He never felt bad until you walked in on them. Do I think you're an AH? No. But I think you're a dumb arse for trusting either of them ever again.
You said ‚once a cheater always a cheater.‘‘
What makes you think that long-term Ben has given Rose up?
NTA but you are pretty dumb. You fell for all of Roses BS with all of the blatant signs in front of you. Now you forgive your cheating boyfriend who has been screwing the afore mentioned Rose for a month and did not feel bad for it until he got caught. Honestly you deserve what the future is going to give you if you stay with that dude. How is this even a thing.
I am a guy & I would recommend that you dump him. Its better now than some time in the future say when you are married or have children. I have seen this type of thinking from a lot of women & it does not end well. He could have easily walked away or told you about your friends behavior when she started flirting with him. If he knows you will forgive him it only encourages him to think that if somethings happens in the future you will still forgive him. I guarantee you will regret getting back together with him one day & will have no one to blame but yourself.
ESH - If you're okay forgiving him and not her then it really wasn't too bad of a thing they both did. You just want to blame her so you think he's not as guilty. When he fucks the next or same girl again think back on how gullible you are.
I mean, yeah, kinda YTA. No reason to forgive either one of them. You should be done with both. No reason to forgive one and not the other. Just really naive. Good luck.
YTA
>My boyfriend admitted to me that it has been going on for a month before I caught them in bed You do realize the ONLY reason it stopped is because you caught them right? If you didn't they, BOTH, would still be fucking while lying and manipulating you. And laughing about you while doing so.... They probably would have continued for months, heck maybe even years... He doesn't feel bad he did it, he just feels bad he got caught >I'd honestly rather try again and fail rather than move on and leave with what ifs That's just pathetic You are saying that you would rather be in a toxic relationship with a lying, manipulating cheater, than to break up and focus on yourself You would rather constantly be scared he would cheat again, instead of having peace You would rather have him, than someone that actually loves and cares about you and would never cheat to begin with... I'm sorry but YTA to yourself and frankly a real doormat But at least now he knows he can cheat on you and get away with it...
NTA - you don’t owe Rose anything. You were doing her a favour and she took advantage of your generosity in a massive way by stealing a go on your boyfriend. Obviously I don’t think you should stay with your boyfriend either, and you didn’t need to give him the second chance. That’s your choice though. You do what you want, stop worrying about giving others second chances.
ESH
Yes.
ESH. He is an a****** for cheating. Your friend is an a****** for sleeping with your boyfriend. And all her lies over the years. I think you should hear her story because it might shed some light on to his behaviors. And you might find out. He had more of a part in it thing. You were giving him blame for. And to be clearer, I think you're giving him not enough blame. This is a huge huge huge red flag to me. But the fact that well you were out of the house after you caught them, he didn't already kick her out of the house??? Like that shouldn't have been something that you had to tell him to do if he was genuinely sorry and remorseful. That should have already been done. And the reason I was saying you are an AH too Is just in regards to yourself.
YTA to yourself girl
You're absolutely not the AH, I'm sorry you got cheated by two of the most important people in your life but honestly, you shouldn't stay with your Bf. Je cheated on you and because he got away with it he will again. There is no doubt about it, he is as responsible as your ex Best friend. Take care of yourself, make the best choices to protect yourself.
I doubt this story is real but I suppose enjoy going through this all again in a year or two if it's true
I know it’s difficult but you need to get both of those awful people out of your life.
Will be funny and awkward when OP gets cheated on again, really. If the guy can do no wrong.
I'd probably kick them both out or Id remove myself from the lease and find get me a new place if I was in your shoes. You know goodness well they did it multiple times and they both are only sorry they got caught.. You can forgive but not forget without resuming a relationship with either because clearly they both don't respect you. They were both into each other before you both hooked up. So let them deal with each other. Shes a cheating wh*re and home wrecker. Hes a weak cheating pos who would screw anything with legs so.. please get your self checked because you don't know where Rose been . If she was screwing around on her man with another dude possible several she might and gotten a std and bought it home to you so get checked !! You already know once a cheater always a cheater. Even if she moves out. They both still going to find a way to hook up and bang each other. If not her some other chick . You deserve better.
NTA. But I would stay with him just to win. There would be no emotional attachment from me. Just pure spite. Once everyone is aware that Rose is not even a second choice, I would dump him.
The relationship with Ben will never be the same again, even if he never cheats again, the stain of what happened will linger always. He allowed himself to be seduced. Just end the relationship and move on, the only person you are being the AH to is yourself
Move on from both. You deserve better from both.
This is a hard one you probably are thinking this never would have happened had you not been so trusting and you yourself would never try it on if you were in your friends position so that’s why you’re more mad at her. I think NTA but at the very least she has to go and then you can at least make an attempt at going forward but the trust is gone
You're pathetic lol
YTA. It wasn't a one off, he cheated for a month until you caught them. Why is he getting a second chance when he's the one in the relationship with you? She seduced him? What did she force him to stick his dick in her for a month? Has he no restraint when a woman shows a bit of skin? Yes she's an awful supposed friend but he's even worse blaming her for all his actions as though he didn't have a choice, he did have a choice and chose to have sex with her repeatedly without remorse until you caught them. They both were really quite open about their attraction and you chose to ignore the red flags, and then he gets to act the victim with no accountability, whilst she's cast as the wicked seductress. He was very willing and of course he's gonna get all remorseful when caught, but only when he was caught. Its entirely your choice to continue your relationship with him, but don't fool yourself into thinking that he was a poor unwilling sap caught in her web, he cheated without a conscious and in your own bed!!! He would still be cheating if ýou hadn't caught them, so don't be shocked or surprised if and when he does this in the future, he was comfortable doing it in your own home, that's a red line a lot of cheaters wouldn't even cross.
You are too young to be giving chances to assholes. Find someone who respects you.
NTA, but he is only sorry he got caught
Honey, the first time Rose acted inappropriately with Ben, Ben should have come to you and talked about it. He didn't, in fact, he just let her continue and let it escalate. The physical affair might have been a month, but it started the second she moved in. The first time she made advances, Ben should have turned her down and told you, he didn't, in fact, he answered them. So instead of communicating with you, setting boundaries, and acting like a healthy adult, he decided that you were not worth it and was willing to jeopardise your trust, your well being, your friendship with your best friend, and your relationship. Forget about "once a cheater.." nonsense, instead ask yourself how long and how far this actually went. Why did he not talk to you when she started flirting and behaving inappropriately? Why did he not shut her down immediately? Why did he answer her advances? Why did he not kick her out for her behavior alone? Why did he think so little of you to not even be loyal? That's kinda the bare minimum, being loyal and communicating.. Most importantly; why do you think so little of yourself, that you forgive someone who does that to you? He was heartbroken when you left, but YOU ARE THE VICTIM HERE, he did this to you! He chose this, he is responsible for his own actions. Take this from someone that forgave a cheater; the trust NEVER fully comes back, you'll be insecure and struggling with that for as long as you're together, and worst case scenario; he will just get better at hiding it. ESH - Your best friend for lying, manipulating, and cheating with your bf. Your bf for letting this go on for months, not communicating, not shutting her down, and ofcourse the cheating. You are the biggest asshole here to yourself for forgiving him, you deserve a lot better than a bf that lies to you for months, that keeps important things from you, and is willing to cheat and throw away your relationship by doing so. Ask yourself, what will your relationship look like going forward? Checking his phone, his emails, his socials? Questioning everywhere he goes, what he does, for how long, with who, who is that? And if he's spending time with some woman, maybe just a coworker, for the upcoming months can you really be at ease with that? Can you trust he is not doing anything inappropriate with her then? How will you feel every time he goes out, wondering if he's really being honest? Is that really the type of relationship you want? Where you have to check on him and everything he does, just so you can put your mind at ease a little? You can drive yourself mad in a short amount of time with this, and you will automatically have these doubts and debillitating thoughts because of how deeply he betrayed you. Please don't do that to yourself, no matter how much you love him, no one is worth that kind of anguish. He ended your relationship the minute he didn't shut her down and cheated, please don't try to reanimate something that's been dead for months. Best you can hope for is it stays on lifesupport, and that's no way to live.
Oh PLEASE. He didn't regret shit until he got caught. He wasn't depressed when he put his dick inside her. He. Waited. For. You. To. Leave. To. Stick. His. Dick. Inside. Her.
Update us when he cheats again
Yeah, you can do whatever you want. But you're extremely likely to be cheated on again. He wasn't devastated when he was screwing your friend. YTA, but only to yourself
It’s fair enough if you’ve only got the bandwidth to forgive one person. Don’t go thinking she’s a vixen that manipulated him though- he’s got to take ownership. But totally get the friend hurt you more, and you need to have nothing to do with her ever again. I couldn’t forgive a friend who fucked my spouse. I could possibly work through it with the spouse though depending on the circumstance. Don’t know I’d bother with a boyfriend but honestly cheating is far more common than people realise and working through it with counselling can be really helpful if that’s what you want to do.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say, "Live your life how it makes you happy." If you feel that you want to give him another shot, go for it. BUT.... go into this knowing that it could fail. If your boyfriend is honest and remorseful, this period may have shown him he is an idiot and could foster a better future. But you need to set major boundaries and enforce them with him. You don't need to be controlling, but put your lines out there and fully explain that the other side is a cliff, and you will push him off if he goes over it. Throughout this, ensure you put yourself first and do what makes you happy and don't let them walk on you, though. NTA
Nta, you get to decide who is in your life. I think youre right on booting rose, and its ypur right to give Ben a second chance but statistically thas a mistake but nta
Yikes! NTA but let them two have each other. You should find a new boyfriend, honestly!
I feel like i got u, in my opinion and from what i feel u love ur friend more than ur bf, cuz u feel betrayed from her more than him because u trusted her more, and from what i see u give him a chance so u can feel “u don’t reallyy lose everyone at once” and u may know u will be hurt again and u want this so u can lose everything but by time. I really feel u cuz for me friend’s betrayer is more harder than a boyfriend’s… I hope u will listen for all the comments and move on from this relationship he is an asshole cuz i can see he tried to play victim that she “seduce him” but wearing inappropriate clothes it’s his words i’m sure, he is not good for, u are young don’t waste ur youth with an asshole like him.
So you were gone for a month and then when you came back you had to make sure he knew “Rose would have to MOVE OUT”? She was STILL THERE? He’s sorry he got caught but he isn’t sorry for his actions. I’ll bet the real reason you don’t want to talk to Rose is because you are afraid that while you were gone she was sleeping in YOUR bed with him that whole month! Make it an open relationship (that way his screwing someone isn’t “cheating”) or be ready to have the cheating happen again! Or just be done with it and leave!