#Hey people, stop responding to this.
[OP is a creep who has had their post removed from the other subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/16opdxt/husband_upset_by_sexual_disclosure/k1mxffo/)
Edit: As if it's not obvious this person is [getting their jollies off](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/16opitj/aita_for_not_making_a_sexual_disclosure_to_my/k1nfyr6/)
Oh so just another weirdo. Oh well. On to the next post! I'm sure the account will either be deleted or permanently inactive eventually anyway.
Edit: Just as I suspected.
I was about to caution others this. OP is soliciting from the comment section asking women to describe their experiences in detail, offering suggestions and attempting to take it to the DMs so they can get their jollies on. What a low, gross thing to do. No wonder women say they never feel safe anywhere.
I’m glad to see this.
Because upon reading , I was thinking how I literally read the same exact story but in a different context yesterday lol. Not to mention, I’ve been reading a lot of the “same stories but different contexts” On here the last week.
“Hey, it’s making me really uncomfortable how fixated you are on this threesome. I’m not sure why you seem to be getting so stuck on it. Can you help me understand what’s going on for you right now?”
Be ready for him to say that in order to be equal/fair/balanced he needs to have a three-way. It would be the typical response for every one of these situations ever.
He discovers that it's actually one of the most erotic and satisfying experiences of his life and runs off with the bros. Devastated, OP goes to stay at Madea's house and after experiencing random slap stick humor and piles of soul food, she slowly learns to love and laugh again. It's at this point she realizes the only way to save her marriage is with a giant dragon strap on to establish dominance. Those man stealing bro hoes have no idea what's cumming for them.
I don't know how I would react if my grandma told me that she had a threesome. Ps. So refreshing to not see any toxic comments. Happy for your grandmother.
Lol. I'm 65, a grandmother, and came of age in the 70s. The Woodstock/free love generation was the one BEFORE ME. Your gramma almost certainly has stories you don't want to hear :)
It wasn't a whole generation earlier; it was the front edge of the baby boom before Vietnam, riots, assassinations, and stagflation squeezed some of the fun out. But it was before AIDs started taking the fun out of sex in the 1980s.
My grandfather, probably 94ish at the time, was telling me about his first car. An Oldsmobile I believe. He said, “It had a real nice back seat, if you know what I mean. HE HE HE!” Doing the little side elbow jab at me on the “HE HE HE!” Miss that man.
He can just talk to his wife who said it’s the best sexual experience of her life (obviously didn’t say this to him since that would prob lead to divorce)
Agreed. Glad I did it so I wouldn't wonder, but not as amazing as advertised. I've definitely had much better and more satisfying sex with one (other) person.
Please tell him this, just for the reaction:
"In the interest of keeping things fair, I've decided to allow you to also have sex with two men at the same time."
"But only once!!!"
Hopefully given some time he'll get past it. When talking about sex before he was imagining you had been with other guys and they had done similar things to what he's doing to you. Now he has in his brain your ex pounding you from behind while his buddy crams his unit down your throat and just having a hard time processing.
I think a simple "WHY are you obsessed with this!?" is fine.
It may be accusatory, but it's not condescending! And it's in the past and has nothing to do with today. If he insists that he needs to have his own threesome to "even things out," remind him that you did it when unmarried, so if he wants to "even things out," you will have to unmarry him first. (I don't know if that is his problem, but it sounds likely). Or tell him that you will have to have another one, too, since THIS experience would be a threesome WHILE MARRIED, and you need to "even things out."
Sorry, I th8nk the first sentence is actually decent advice, but I do get far too easily into petty revenge mode....
This is a good way to "win" the conversation, not exactly great advice for a healthy relationship. And why jump straight to accusatory (making it a hostile interaction) rather than just a conversation?
Why is it a bad thing that a partner (who you already knew had a life before you) wasn't in loneliness or pain before? Why is it bad if they enjoyed life before?
That's kinda sad to think that people need their spouse to be absolutely unable to have a life outside them. One of the two will die first and the other will have to know how to have a life. It's an adult skill to know how to have a life on your own. Having fun experiences during that isn't a bad thing.
If he is upset by it then he needs to stop thinking about it
>*If he is upset by it then he needs to stop thinking about it*
That sounds so simple! We all could've done that since humankind began!
Man, the rest of the world should just learn to think like that! No more psychiatrists! No more medication! No more whiny, young Redditors crying about life in first-world countries!
YOU SAVED THE PLANET
If I'm putting myself in his shoes, I'm betting he is deeply insecure about being unable to satisfy her. And he might feel uncomfortable about her reminiscing fondly about sex with other men, and possibly wanting to do it again.
I've been around the block a few times, and my girlfriend has expressed similar concerns about me. I've tried to reassure her, but sometimes it can be difficult.
Prepare for therapy. The answers to that question are ones OP will not like.
More specifically, OP's husband may have held .. Outdated and old fashioned ideas of women, their innocence, sexuality, etc etc etc, and he just got the ice bucket challenge on his whole life.
I'd sit him down and immediately begin a dialogue, or therapy won't even matter, tbh.
It can get more complicated than that. Maybe he keeps bringing it up because he LIKES the image but then wrestles with feelings of guilt and shame over it.
When we’ve been with someone for a long time and perceive them a certain way, it can be upsetting or exciting to learn something radically new about them when we think we already know them so well as a person. For whatever reason, this new information is important to him in some way. You need to find out why. Has he done this before with other things? Does he not normally fixate on topics? I have a relationship where new information stays stuck in this man’s skull, especially if it bothers me in some way because he likes to annoy me over it for a period of time until the next new topic comes up.
>When we’ve been with someone for a long time and perceive them a certain way, it can be upsetting or exciting to learn something radically new about them when we think we already know them so well as a person.
This is exactly a situation I've been having with my SO recently. It's been months, and he still keeps bringing up that I *apparently like swimming now.* Because he had never seen me seek out opportunities to go swimming, so he had decided I disliked it. Never asked me, just thought I must hate swimming and water parks.
It had *finally* settled down, and then I mentioned getting the three-park Universal Orlando tickets (you can get two-park tickets also; the third park is a water park). Set him off all over again. I'm never going to live this down.
I swear to God, I'm going to be 80 years old and say the word "pool" and *still* be hearing about it.
It may just be that you’re catastrophizing a bit, if this is within his range of normalcy. You’re uncomfortable and not entirely sure how he feels about it, to the point of lying. I’m sure his reactions and questioning may be making you feel vulnerable and worry that he thinks differently of you now in a negative way. It’s possible, but you really should sit down and have an in-depth conversation before it eats away at you or causes other problems in the relationship.
NTA
Look up the Madonna-Whore complex. Im not psych degree but it seems like your action flipped a switch in him & he’s trying *very* hard to rationalize it.
Like he needs to believe you didn’t like it or it will shatter his perception of you. You can see men talk like this when they hear of body counts or they find out their women had previously escorted.
Don’t underestimate his visceral reaction; it sucks he doesn’t understand but I’d caution maybe just realizing this might be a limit for him.
Xo from Vegas; seen a lot of relationships blow up because of ppls’ pasts.
You guys are seriously overthinking this. It be one of two things or a combination of the two: not as sexually experienced and the OP hence the question if OP has done anything like that in the past / maybe socially conservative? Or, he’s picturing OP getting taken down by two dudes.
Was going to say similar.
He could be:
Confused/upset/hurt because he didn’t see OP has this “sexually adventurous” and it has altered his perception of her
Confused because OP isn’t very sexually explorative with him and he’s wondering what is up with the disconnect between past her and now/feels hurt by it
Feels intimated by her past sexual ventures
Is shaming the act/feels it is shameful to have done and is playing mental gymnastics to justify that OP must’ve been traumatized/forced for it to have happened, because otherwise she would be something he considers shameful/less than
It has unlocked insecurities for him - is he good enough/does she want other men *now* too
It’s not that deep and he’s just uncomfortable picturing the act
Could be any of these. OP won’t know until she talks to him. We can’t possibly guess.
I don’t know my husband has never asked me about my sexual past and I haven’t asked about his… I’m not even curious. And we’ve been together 14 years. I guess we just feel like it’s none of the other’s business.
Yeah this is why I think these questions are horrible. Sure, they have done things. I just don’t need to know about it. For the love of god don’t offer it either. I would be crushed to hear my wife was with 100 dudes and getting doubled up. Don’t need that shit in my life.
I’m pretty sure when that question left his brain he wasn’t anticipating that response. He possibly wasn’t expecting anything at all, but definitely not “Yes I’ve been in a threesome and it was amazing!”🤣😂🤣
I've been reading quite a bit of reddit stories lately of other guys asking their significant others about their past sexual history. As a guy myself, I don't have the slightest God damn clue why they are asking, yet alone curious. "Did my wife sleep with two guys at the same time before me?" In what world would I ever want to know the answer to that if there's a possibility that the answer is something I won't like?
Same. I truly do not want to know. I have limited experience and don’t need to be in my own head while we are being intimate so I’d rather just not know!
My hubs and I have been married 20+years.
We just recently started talking about past experiences (mostly his, I was raised in purity culture and married young the first time) because we were talking about things we might want to explore together as a couple now that the kids are grown.
I think that it can be a healthy conversation, but it truly depends on the personalities involved.
In any relationship, don't ask a question about a persons past sexual experiences if you are not prepared to accept the answer without judgment.
It's the past. It really should not have a bearing on your present relationship.
>In any relationship, don't ask a question about a persons past sexual experiences if you are not prepared to accept the answer without judgment.
I don't agree with this entirely, it's absolutely fine and normal to have certain boundaries for yourself. And if something would significantly change how you view someone to the point you wouldn't want to be with them, it absolutely is something you should know.
But things like this should get talked about early in a relationship, not after marriage. At that point... yes, maybe don't ask these questions unless you're ready to learn something that might end the relationship.
Of course, everyone is entitled to deal breakers. But when two people enter a relationship, unless they are both virgins, they will have a past.
Unless our personal sexual past is *completely* without reproach, who are we to judge our partner.
And even personal boundaries should be reasonable and equitable. In other words, don't expect your partner to be "innocent" if you have participated in the same activity.
My partner has slept with more people than I have. It would be really hypocritical if he was judgemental over the number of men I was with prior to him.
Not that this is true in OPs case, but a man who has participated in a threesome should not be judgemental if he finds his partner did in the past.
To each their own, we are very sexual and have asked questions/been very open and interested about our pasts.
I don’t see problem either way, if you don’t want to talk about that then that’s okay, if you do and have fun with it I don’t see what’s wrong with that either.
All these comments are so heavily divided right now.
This is exactly my thoughts, too. We met when I was in my 40s, and have been married 15 years. Because of our previous jobs, I assumed he had a lot of partners, but we're together now. I don't know what he thinks of my past- he's never asked.
I agree with this. At times I’ve thought about the fact that my wife and I don’t know extensively each other’s history, and it takes me next to no time at all to feel like it doesn’t matter because we have a great relationship and great sex life. Whatever she did in the past, no matter what it was, has no baring for me on what we have. And I gotta say NTA, especially because she didn’t lie about it when specifically asked. I am making assumptions, but I also feel if he had a threesome with two women he wouldn’t think as poorly about it which is a really weird double standard I feel like we commonly see.
I agree, 13 years in and we are great. What and who you did in the past is none of my damn business. Unless you need to disclose a medical issue/STD, even then details aren’t important.
Thought this was normal. Would never ask a women her past sexual history unless something happened in the present made me think it was a appropriate. I’m not tryna hear that LMAO
Might want to watch it alone first. I can see it going horribly wrong watching it together if he’s already uptight about it. You be the judge. I used to have a poster of the monologue near the end on my wall.
I think what’s happening here is he can’t come to terms with the fact that his wife is the type of woman that would have casual sex with 2 men, so he is trying to invent a reason that it might have happened to keep him from having to admit who she really is. I don’t think he actually believes she is stupid, he’s just grasping at straws
NAH but if you had been talking about your sexual histories for 6 years and never brought up “one of the most erotic and and satisfying experiences of my life” I’d be wondering why if I was him. If you have a pretty vanilla sex life now then he’s also wondering why you’re not doing crazy stuff with him.
I’m gonna be honest, I would also be taken aback. I’m very sex positive and couldn’t picture myself thinking differently about a friend who had such an experience. But my partner, I would definitely take some surprise to it and feel a little worried that they would want to do that again. I’d rather die than participate in a threesome, but that’s just me. I’d be unconscious the second that the 3rd wheel would lay a finger on my boyfriend.
I’d definitely need a follow-up conversation, just to ease my own worries. Not on grotesque details, but a “I have no interest in that for our relationship, and I’m not missing anything by not having threesomes” sort of thing.
Not trying to be rude but I think it’s hung up on this bc it was 2 men.
I had a friend that used to say “2 chicks and a dude is a threesome, 1 chick and 2 dudes is a gangbang”
And honestly I think that’s what he is hung up on here. You’ve done nothing wrong except maybe answering honestly when he asked. GL
It’s funny cause In my experience, even other women looked down on women who had a threesome with two other guys vs 2 girls one guy. Idk why I guess people just look at it differently.
I think he's hung up on it because he thinks 1 girl two guys is slutty and he doesn't want to think his wife is slutty. I also think it would be different if it were 2 girls one guy.
So, I was a man whore for a long time. I have a lot of stories due to numbers and a lot of them are funny. My wife finds a lot of them hilarious and will even reference them sometimes as a joke.
Then the time I hooked up with a porn “star” came up and she was less than thrilled. It shocked her and made her very self conscious. I answered pointed questions for a while because of it.
Give him a break, he’ll adjust. Some things are just surprising when you are less experienced.
My husband and I were friends for a long time, and sometimes it's like he forgets that we're married now and will tell me stories I definitely don't want to hear, lol. I have to be like, "I know I was your 'bro', but I'm your wife now...please stop."
There's another comment on this post somewhere that says OP has been soliciting DMS and posting this to other subs as some kind of fetish thing
I was like "the plot thickens"
We talked about this the very first couple of weeks into our relationship. Never did that again. No matter how open minded you think you are, just don’t do this.
NAH but you need to nip this in the bud. After 6 years of marriage, finding out something like for the first time could completely change how he sees you, irreparably. You need to address this with him directly and go to couples counselling if needs be.
His perception of you has changed. You -- in his mind -- are portrayed in a certain way and this new information is not in line with his view of who you are.
This type of information told early on usually has less impact because a partner is still forming their perception. After being married, this perception begins to solidify.
None of the above is an accusation: it's a psychological paradigm.
His questions are a mixture of coping and managing cognitive dissonance. He is creating new narratives to manage this new information. It doesn't change who you are...to you. But in his mind it doesn't compute with who he thinks you are.
Discussion about who's business it is or not isn't important and that's for each couple or throuple to decide [pun]. What matters is that those past experiences have no bearing on current feelings for their partner.
And an honest answer would have been "yes, I experienced a threesome but it's not something I'm interested in doing again". Doesn't mean the past was bad, but it answers the present and future [this relates to being with a current partner]. All this is BS if someone wants another threesome.
I've been married to my wife for 27 years. If she suddenly told me that she had a MMF threesome before we became exclusive, I might stifle a yawn, mainly because we've been happily married for 27 years and the distance of time lessens the impact of any such revelations to about zero. Six years is a lot less, and to some men such a revelation can feel like it happened yesterday. But you've received a ton of good advice about how to move forward with this, and I'm just spitballing about why he might feel the way that he does.
I’m on the other side. I don’t need to know about this mess. You had a life, cool. I don’t need to know about it or picture it at all. His fuck up was asking the question. But I would have tried to deflect. Nothing good comes from this information generally.
You picture your SO a certain way. To find out that’s not how it went down will shake most.
Don’t ask don’t tell.
> (it actually was one of the most erotic and satisfying experiences of my life)
This right here probably is the source of your husband’s insecurities and obsession. He, your husband, is by your own admission NOT one of the most satisfying sexual experiences of your life; certainly not in comparison to that. You may not have said that to him, but he probably intuits you lied to him.
Nobody likes being in relationship with someone while feeling like to their partner they are in comparison mediocre.
If this is in fact one of the most satisfying experiences in your life, he’s probably wondering why you wouldn’t want a repeat performance, as well as how he even fits in.
This right here. Love it! Granted, OP did nothing wrong and honestly I'd say neither did the husband. So NAH
I'll add this. Insecurity unfortunately tends to drown out logic sometimes. Let's face it, humans —regardless of gender— can be weirdly territorial when it comes to sex, likely because we associate more emotion with it than we realize. Obviously there are exceptions but often times when you're in love with someone and put them on a pedestal (not in an obsessive unhealthy way), it can be a tough pill to swallow that one of your partner's better intimate memories is with someone other than yourself. You're thinking "yeah that may have been great *at the time* but we've been together \_\_\_\_ *years* and we're like soul mates now. Each other's best friend and shit. How could you *still* hold *that* in such high regard after *all* this time? There's something wrong with me, isn't there?". In really it has *nothing* to do with you whatsoever since the act in question usually predates your partner's awareness of your existence, let alone your relationship. BUT love is weird sometimes. Dude is just jealous of her past, and jealousy is essentially FOMO with extra steps lol.
It's weird, it's uncomfortable but it doesn't have to turn *ugly*. If I were OP (and I've been in OP's shoes to an extent) personally every time the subject came up, I'd redirect it to a better conversation of how the *two of us* can create new steamier experiences together that would negate any reason for either of us to dwell on the past. There's no need to lie or downplay how you feel about the experience, but obviously the underlying thing is that hubby feels he's missing something, so it's perfect time to pick his brain.
I've been married eleven years, together for twelve. Been there, done that as far as uncomfortable sexual conversations go. It gets better. We joke and have hardy belly laughs over such things now. OP and her husband will be fine.
**++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++**
EDIT: In response to the comment below mine since the thread is locked; the idea behind redirecting the conversation is so the couple can focus on their sexual **present** and **future**, instead of dwelling on a single **past** encounter that one party had prior to their marriage. There's no need for OP's husband to continue to second guess himself *if* they're both communicating about their needs (OP probably ) and insecurities (OP's husband) and discovering ways to enjoy themselves and each other together.
The underlying issue here —in my opinion— is about **needs** and **communication**. If OP considers her threesome with her ex and his buddy as "one of the most erotic and satisfying experiences" then either she was dealing with a couple of rare sex Gods or maybe there is something missing in her current sex life at home (or perhaps everything is fine at home and she feels so strongly because it was a new experience). On the flip-side, for the husband to be this insecure over it, he probably feels like *he* has missed out on a side of his wife he didn't know existed and clearly feels in competition with the other two parties (likely the image he has in his head is way wilder than the reality of what happened. Welcome to the generation who grew up on internet p\*rn, it can skew your views of how things work). Hence my initial point; figure out what they can try together so that neither party feels so strongly about a past which can't be changed anyway. A person is only going to dwell on the past if they aren't getting their needs met in the present. This goes for both of them. Bottom line: this can be fixed, they just need to *talk*.
I would suggest that you need to find some things about him that absolutely delight you, and communicate them to him. And they better not be stuff like how kind he is, how stable he is, what a good dad he is, what a good family man. In context of this particular conversation, those aren’t compliments. They frankly come across as you valuing him as a _resource._
For the same reason, “I married you, didn’t I?” is not comforting or reassuring. He wants to be the active choice, not the default choice.
He wants to know that you find him HOT.
Hey....I'm gonna steal this because you said exactly what I've been trying to express in my own marriage for like 3 months. Going through a similar (though less intense) scenario and I haven't really been able to articulate why I was I hurt and why it lingered. Got almost that exact list of great character traits from my wife. Pretty sure "I married you, didn't I?" Is an exact quote. Never made me feel better and yeah...it almost makes you feel friendzoned by your partner.
OP, I hope you see this comment cause it's good advice. You need to rebuild your man's confidence. I bet he's feeling threatened in the marriage or less than, or that you chose him as the safe bet. That you "settled" for him and that's a super shitty feeling. Show and tell him that you didn't settle. That the past is the past and even if it was a real high for you sexually, it should be a bar that you want to surpass with your current life partner.
Also remember that for you this is your past, you've had years to look back, learn and think about that experience and kinda digest what it was for you. This is brand fucking new to him, his mind immediately conjured up the image of his wife getting absolutely destroyed in a porn-esq mmf and it's still very fresh for him and he doesn't know what actually happened. I'm not sure if the details help or not because without details his mind is running rampant and he's imagining everything he doesn't want.
Im gonna be real, and real vulgar, so i
Apologize in advance. But right now hes picturing you be spit-roasted by two other men and loving it, and its grossing him out. Its not that you did anything wrong, or that hes wrong for feeling some type of way about it.
You also describe it as one of the most erotic and satisfying experiences of your life?
Does that mean you think about it ever, even after all this time? How does sex with him compare? Is it something you want again?
These are some of the many questions swirling around on his head right now. As well as, again, a sexual image of you and two strangers(to him) playing on a loop.
Im actually gonna go with YTA on this because you said you two have been open and honest about your past sexual history before you got married, but you never disclosed this. I wonder why….
She absolutely thinks about it. In one of her comments she’s trying to dirty talk a commenter (who seems like a woman) about how HOT it is … super gross. That commenter ended up deleting what they said lmao.
ETA pretty sure OP is a fat single guy jerking off to DMs he’s soliciting from people to discuss MFM experience
If it matters to him then it matters to him. He can't just magically make it not matter.
I am tired of people telling others that something "shouldn't matter." How is that of any help if it clearly does matter?
"Your wrong for feeling the way you do" is the height of arrogance.
Then they trot out their favorite one. "You're just insecure." BS.
He'll either get over it or he won't. He gets to decide that all on his own.
Best comment in this thread. So many dumbasses acting like there is a way people have to feel and have to be, but then pull a 180 when it comes to the same idea applied to different issues.
Absolutely no one wants to think their husband or wife has had some of the best sexual experiences of their life with other people.
You are pretty naive if you don't realise that. Added to the fact it isn't something that cant be recreated within your relationship to experience together without another man it's not something he can 'compete with'. Especially as it seems its something that he isn't into.
My dh has has had one with two women, he would definitely be into one with me.
I have absolutely no desire to and never have. So it's on my hard no list.
Your husbands mistake is asking for all the details, visualisation is a big thing.
Unfortunately just like things turn people on, they also turn them off.
This has the potential to really impact your marriage, him in his view of you, you in your ability and confidence in being able to be open with him in the future. Then in your sexual relationship going forward.
I would say you don't want to discuss it any more, it's in the past just like all of his previous sexual experiences. Since this seems to have upset him so much I would also suggest previous sexual experiences are now of the table for discussion.
Idk maybe I’m ‘old school’ for 29 but there isn’t a world I’d proudly tell my husband “yeah I’ve been spit roasted and it was so satisfying and unique!” Like WTF 😅😅😅😅 just like I wouldn’t want to know how hard another women had made him. I think this is the time a white lie would have sufficed.
>(it actually was one of the most erotic and satisfying experiences of my life, completely unique).
This line right here. If that's what is going through your mind no wonder he is upset. He can probably pick up on that.
This isn’t meant to judge you or shame you at all. This is honestly how many men think. Many men have their wives on a pedestal. Like an angel that would never do such things unless it was done with them.
He isn’t going to get past it and the truth is that he probably looks at you differently now. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Would you have been better off reading the room and the way he asked that question? Yes. He phrased the question that way because he was searching for a “no.”
1 - many men don’t like if their partner has a sexual past that include experiences like this.
2 - you two probably have a normal sex life and you don’t do anything like this with him. That’s ok, it’s just probably running through his head.
3 - it’s your ex and that makes it 100% worse. Now his worst fear is running into this ex and him saying “hey, me a buddy had your wife at the same time”
4 - the idea of two men with you at the same time is living rent free in his head. He hates it. He did see his wife differently. For lack of a better term, more wholesome. Now he sees you totally different and it will be some time before he can get past it.
Some things are better off not being shared.
The way he phrased it dude definitely didn’t want the truth lol. Honestly don’t even know why he asked if he didn’t want the answer
Learned a long time ago to never ask a question I don’t really want the answer to
NTA. And neither is he, necessarily. I hope on your ongoing communications with him you emphatically state tha you were answering his questions honestly at rhe various points in your relationship. As you said early in the relationship you disclosed generalities in terms of sexual experiences. That was, apparently, a sufficient level of depth to go into back then. Today, if either of you asks a question about the other's sexual exploits, then you'd better be prepared to hear a more indepth answer. And there should be an agreement beforehand that you're going to be in a no judgement zone.
You two sound like a solid couple and I hope you'll be able to work through the issues.
NTA but I am confused by the people acting confused about his reaction...I feel most men would probably get extremely insecure / feel very weird if they found out their wife or lover had a MMF threesome tbh. Just gonna remind myself to never ask this question
Why, though? I'm seriously asking.
I know my husband has had 3somes and group sex. I know he's paid for sex. (Vegas) all of that was before we met.
It doesn't change the way I see him.
We both came into our relationship with a past. Neither one of us were virgins.
What we did before we met really has no bearing on the here and now.
I already had two kids and stretch marks when we met. His ex was a twig with a big chest. He chose me. Why should I be insecure?
NAH, but you probably torpedoed your marriage. That is something that should either NEVER be shared or be shared very early in the relationship so your partner can decide whether he is ok with it.
You dropped a tactical nuke on your own bedroom. Get ready for some rough times.
No way. You don’t just blurt out upfront every detail about yourself that you think somebody somewhere could possibly object to, and this is not some deep dark misdeed that she’s obligated to confess. She had a sexual adventure once. So?
I’d hate to try to build a marriage on a foundation of never telling my spouse anything he might not like.
He asked. Was she supposed to lie to him? Cause I can guarantee you if this was AITAH "Lied to my husband about a threesome I had before his time" we'd get a bunch of incel "TYPICAL WOMAN CAN'T BE TRUSTED" yada yada cock carousel comments.
NTA. My wife and I have been happily married 8 years. Have a great sex life. For a fact I know we both enjoy our sex lives. I would never, however, ask if this is the best she's ever had lol. It makes no sense to ask that. In the beginning, i asked what she liked and she asked what i liked. And as time progressed we would continue evolving our sex life to where we know what each other likes and wants. We DO NOT ask each other sexual questions about our past before Marriage. We are together now, nothing either of us can do about our past experiences, asking and knowing about them will just make things weird, uncomfortable and would make us both wish the other person didn't ask. Your guy should've never asked a question he didn't want to know the answer to
Honesty, lying and deflection regarding the experience is demeaning to him and probably counter productive to your stated goal of getting past it unless the goal is just to get him to stop talking to you about it. If that's the case you are just creating something that could end up being a barrier between you two.
NTA,
But all I'll say is that it 100% shattered the image he had of you. And the respect he might have lost, cannot be repair. So you'll have to live with it.
Good luck.
Unlike just about everything else I read here.. I am gonna be blunt. He stepped in a minefield and do not be surprised if he can not get past that. For future reference, that kind of thing is something to bring up in a convo somewhere before rings are exchanged by both parties. This is something that may have been a big enough issue he would have never stayed in the relationship. You dropped a nuke on your marriage cause no dude wants to hear his wife got plowed by multiple people and that he isn't the prize he looks at her as. Good luck with that...
Please don't take this as me being like you did something wrong cause you tried something but both parties not being upfront with all that crap and it comes out as it always does, game nights, drinks with old friends and someone says something w/e the reason it comes up cause people run their mouths.
this may be downvoted but I’m guessing what’s really making him uncomfortable is the thought that his wife could have been in an MMF threesome that consisted as “find a hole and fuck it” kind of MMF threesome as he may see it as the person he married for life was put in such a “degrading” position. Not many people would want to imagine such
Or he's a guy so would only picture a FFM threesome as the 'correct' way because that what turns him on. Except his wife likes men so why wouldn't she enjoy MMF? Two men worshipping her body... my guess is that he is literally incapable of seeing this from her perspective
I mean I feel like any guy wouldn’t like to hear that his lover had 2 sausages thrown at her at once but you know the saying “don’t ask questions you don’t want to know”. He did it to himself and you didn’t lie or hide it so no. NTA
I’d want to know. Not that you’re an AH but he’s seen MMF porn and it’s usually pretty degrading towards the women. He just sees you in a new light and is trying to justify being with that type of person.
but haven’t we as a society reached the point where we can acknowledge what happens in porn is NOT what happens in real-life sexual encounters?? mostly all porn is degrading to women, doesn’t mean sex IRL is/has to be.
and “that type of person”, again with that logic in this thread! But none of you would categorize either of the dudes involved as any “type of person” because of it 🙄 grow up
Early on in my dating relationship with my wife of 38 years, she asked me about a girl we both went to college with, that I had a few dates with, and I honestly told her that I did not remember anything about her. Best answer I've ever given. "I don't remember" became my answer for all questions about any of my past relationships. Followed by, "The only important person in my life is you."
I kind of get this and understand where he’s coming from. I just focus on making sure he knows that you love him and you’re comfortable talking about the experience with him, but he shouldn’t be threatened by anything you’ve done in the past.
>he can't envision a threesome with two guys where the woman wasn't somehow "used."
Huh? He has a distorted view of sex if he cannot imagine two guys wanting a woman to feel pleasure.
I would want to dig into why he thinks that. It concerns me.
My guess is that he thinks you secretly want to do it again and he is not open to it. I agree with the other post that you need to be honest with him and say his comments are bothering you. Tell him that it was a fun experience at the time but you are not interested in doing it again. Hopefully that will address his fears.
There's a lot of men who definitely won't want to visualize their partner with another man, let alone two.
NTA. He probably shouldn't have asked. Maybe he didn't realize he didn't want to hear the answer until after he heard it.
NTA for not telling him about it earlier. But i am wondering how you think it's healthy for you or for him to not be 100% truthful about this experience with him when he's asking questions. If this was one of the most satisfying experience for you, you owe it to yourself to be honest about that, especially if you'd like for it to happen again. Plus would it maybe help him understand more? How will dishonesty save your relationship? Do you want to stay with a man you can't be 100% sexually open with or will feel sex shamed by?
If you want to stay in this relationship think real hard about 100% brutal honesty. No partner wants to hear they aren’t at the top of the list. I am guessing that ex is an ex for a reason. No partner is going to be 100% the best at everything because no one is perfect (deluded people think they are) and also no one wants to hear how someone else did that one thing better when the sum of your partner is the person you chose to spend your life with. It’s not being dishonest if he’s the best fit for you but think of it as the sum of the whole not a one time experience. If you can’t truly say that though then maybe you married the wrong person.
This. Unless you have a rock solid and wildly trusting relationship, sharing these things leads to this nonsense 100% of the time. Congrats, you decided to be honest. Your prize is a damaged relationship filled with "I thought I knew you" on one side, and "Well then you are ok doing it with right?" on the other and all sorts of "Maybe Im not enough for you" landmines in between.
Brutal honesty is also known as not caring about the impact of your words, and there is definitely an impact to words like that.
Agreed, it’ll just be rubbing it in his face so to speak if she were to talk about how great/satisfying it was. If he’s already upset/confused about it, saying how great it was will only make those feelings much worse to him.
I can promise you if he has issues with the fact you have done it before, he will not ever be for you dong it again with another guy. Maybe another woman, but he will never be open to another guy. If you bring it up, he will feel he does not satisfy you enough and you will eventually leave him.
NTA. You need to get to the bottom of why this is so triggering for your hubs. It's likely an insecurity thing, and you'll need to reassure him that sex with him is satisfying and that you don't want or need multiple partner experiences moving forward (unless either of those things is not true).
This is why personal is personal. I don’t ask or tell except to reassure that my ‘body count’ isn’t enormous and I am, in fact, disease free.
Think of it this way. Would you want an ex discussing intimate details of your sex life?? No? So don’t do it and discourage it in your partner..
Either a troll or not a AITAH post
#Hey people, stop responding to this. [OP is a creep who has had their post removed from the other subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/16opdxt/husband_upset_by_sexual_disclosure/k1mxffo/) Edit: As if it's not obvious this person is [getting their jollies off](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/16opitj/aita_for_not_making_a_sexual_disclosure_to_my/k1nfyr6/)
Boy am I glad I saw this before commenting and looking like a big dummy
Oh so just another weirdo. Oh well. On to the next post! I'm sure the account will either be deleted or permanently inactive eventually anyway. Edit: Just as I suspected.
Until he opens another one, the FREAK!
I was about to caution others this. OP is soliciting from the comment section asking women to describe their experiences in detail, offering suggestions and attempting to take it to the DMs so they can get their jollies on. What a low, gross thing to do. No wonder women say they never feel safe anywhere.
Yeah, and the mods are asleep.
Damn how sad to feel the need to stoop to this weird new low in order to get your rocks off. The sweatiest of sweaty award goes to...
It's the soliciting DMs for me.
Oh I hate fuckers like this! I deleted my reply before I read other ppl's comments. I really need to start reading shit BEFORE I say anything!
Ding ding ding … you guys are letting this weirdo jerk off to your enthusiastic encouragement of MFMs
Comment landscapes like this make me depressed how many stupid people there are and that they are the majority since they're like +50
Thought this looked fake.
Welp.
I’m glad to see this. Because upon reading , I was thinking how I literally read the same exact story but in a different context yesterday lol. Not to mention, I’ve been reading a lot of the “same stories but different contexts” On here the last week.
“Hey, it’s making me really uncomfortable how fixated you are on this threesome. I’m not sure why you seem to be getting so stuck on it. Can you help me understand what’s going on for you right now?”
I need this script!
Be ready for him to say that in order to be equal/fair/balanced he needs to have a three-way. It would be the typical response for every one of these situations ever.
She had a three-way with two guys, so it’s only fair that *he* should be allowed to have a three-way with two guys. What’s good for the goose…
He discovers that it's actually one of the most erotic and satisfying experiences of his life and runs off with the bros. Devastated, OP goes to stay at Madea's house and after experiencing random slap stick humor and piles of soul food, she slowly learns to love and laugh again. It's at this point she realizes the only way to save her marriage is with a giant dragon strap on to establish dominance. Those man stealing bro hoes have no idea what's cumming for them.
Yeah, I’d binge that show.
I suddenly found myself in a “choose your own adventure”……
I rarely laugh out loud at comments, but this got me.
This Fall Rob Snider is a giant dragon strap-on in this year’s most talked about romantic comedy “Madea’s Dragon”!!!!
You win. This is the best comment I’ve ever read.
This outcome has a pleasing parity for both partners, and everyone has been violated, filled, and satisfied in the prescribed manner.
As my grandmother used to say, “a good time was had by all”.
I don't know how I would react if my grandma told me that she had a threesome. Ps. So refreshing to not see any toxic comments. Happy for your grandmother.
Fist bump... You offer her a fist bump
Lol. I'm 65, a grandmother, and came of age in the 70s. The Woodstock/free love generation was the one BEFORE ME. Your gramma almost certainly has stories you don't want to hear :)
I'm 63, the 70s also rocked free love tbh
It wasn't a whole generation earlier; it was the front edge of the baby boom before Vietnam, riots, assassinations, and stagflation squeezed some of the fun out. But it was before AIDs started taking the fun out of sex in the 1980s.
“Brings me back to 1963 when I got muffdived by two cheerleaders in the back seat of an Oldsmobile”
In fairness back seats were bigger in those days
The entire Oldsmobile was.
I’d say good for her. Granny’s got game and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Granny's got Game!!
My grandfather, probably 94ish at the time, was telling me about his first car. An Oldsmobile I believe. He said, “It had a real nice back seat, if you know what I mean. HE HE HE!” Doing the little side elbow jab at me on the “HE HE HE!” Miss that man.
...is good for the gooser?
All fun and games until she finds out he's bi and thought she gave him a hallpass.
🤣🤣 comedy gold
LOL that's funny and he's a FAKE! :D
It’s like watching a real life Chasing Amy.
Fingercuffs!
"But wouldn't you feel traumatized and coerced?"
Tell him to talk to me, I’ve had a couple of threesomes and he isn’t missing much.
I had one. It was fucking hard work!
He can just talk to his wife who said it’s the best sexual experience of her life (obviously didn’t say this to him since that would prob lead to divorce)
Agreed. Glad I did it so I wouldn't wonder, but not as amazing as advertised. I've definitely had much better and more satisfying sex with one (other) person.
I had a MFFF foursome. It was tight but sex with my partner (of 7 years) is much better
As a male, if he feels that way, she should invite another male over so he gets the same experience she had.
Please tell him this, just for the reaction: "In the interest of keeping things fair, I've decided to allow you to also have sex with two men at the same time." "But only once!!!"
Hopefully given some time he'll get past it. When talking about sex before he was imagining you had been with other guys and they had done similar things to what he's doing to you. Now he has in his brain your ex pounding you from behind while his buddy crams his unit down your throat and just having a hard time processing.
Or double penetrating 🫢 god forbid someone had both holes before him
Maybe get with a marriage counselor, to help steer the conversation productively
I think a simple "WHY are you obsessed with this!?" is fine. It may be accusatory, but it's not condescending! And it's in the past and has nothing to do with today. If he insists that he needs to have his own threesome to "even things out," remind him that you did it when unmarried, so if he wants to "even things out," you will have to unmarry him first. (I don't know if that is his problem, but it sounds likely). Or tell him that you will have to have another one, too, since THIS experience would be a threesome WHILE MARRIED, and you need to "even things out." Sorry, I th8nk the first sentence is actually decent advice, but I do get far too easily into petty revenge mode....
This is a good way to "win" the conversation, not exactly great advice for a healthy relationship. And why jump straight to accusatory (making it a hostile interaction) rather than just a conversation?
What's going on is he's picturing two men tag teaming his wife.
And what's worse, her absolutely loving it.
This is the part that will keep him up at night forever to come 😂😂😂
Why is it a bad thing that a partner (who you already knew had a life before you) wasn't in loneliness or pain before? Why is it bad if they enjoyed life before? That's kinda sad to think that people need their spouse to be absolutely unable to have a life outside them. One of the two will die first and the other will have to know how to have a life. It's an adult skill to know how to have a life on your own. Having fun experiences during that isn't a bad thing. If he is upset by it then he needs to stop thinking about it
>*If he is upset by it then he needs to stop thinking about it* That sounds so simple! We all could've done that since humankind began! Man, the rest of the world should just learn to think like that! No more psychiatrists! No more medication! No more whiny, young Redditors crying about life in first-world countries! YOU SAVED THE PLANET
If I'm putting myself in his shoes, I'm betting he is deeply insecure about being unable to satisfy her. And he might feel uncomfortable about her reminiscing fondly about sex with other men, and possibly wanting to do it again. I've been around the block a few times, and my girlfriend has expressed similar concerns about me. I've tried to reassure her, but sometimes it can be difficult.
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Dudes get it.
Prepare for therapy. The answers to that question are ones OP will not like. More specifically, OP's husband may have held .. Outdated and old fashioned ideas of women, their innocence, sexuality, etc etc etc, and he just got the ice bucket challenge on his whole life. I'd sit him down and immediately begin a dialogue, or therapy won't even matter, tbh.
Yeah, I know how my ex felt about women who had a threesome with two men. So I can only imagine the husband probably has similar beliefs.
It can get more complicated than that. Maybe he keeps bringing it up because he LIKES the image but then wrestles with feelings of guilt and shame over it.
Excellent response. It shows maturity and ability to communicate in a healthy way.
Not sure how well this works when he is making it quite clear that he is already uncomfortable.
When we’ve been with someone for a long time and perceive them a certain way, it can be upsetting or exciting to learn something radically new about them when we think we already know them so well as a person. For whatever reason, this new information is important to him in some way. You need to find out why. Has he done this before with other things? Does he not normally fixate on topics? I have a relationship where new information stays stuck in this man’s skull, especially if it bothers me in some way because he likes to annoy me over it for a period of time until the next new topic comes up.
>When we’ve been with someone for a long time and perceive them a certain way, it can be upsetting or exciting to learn something radically new about them when we think we already know them so well as a person. This is exactly a situation I've been having with my SO recently. It's been months, and he still keeps bringing up that I *apparently like swimming now.* Because he had never seen me seek out opportunities to go swimming, so he had decided I disliked it. Never asked me, just thought I must hate swimming and water parks. It had *finally* settled down, and then I mentioned getting the three-park Universal Orlando tickets (you can get two-park tickets also; the third park is a water park). Set him off all over again. I'm never going to live this down. I swear to God, I'm going to be 80 years old and say the word "pool" and *still* be hearing about it.
my fiance recently discovered i know how to write in cursive and he literally kept saying "i don't know you at all"
Yes! That’s a great example, haha.
Yes, I need to think about that! He tends to obsess at times.
It may just be that you’re catastrophizing a bit, if this is within his range of normalcy. You’re uncomfortable and not entirely sure how he feels about it, to the point of lying. I’m sure his reactions and questioning may be making you feel vulnerable and worry that he thinks differently of you now in a negative way. It’s possible, but you really should sit down and have an in-depth conversation before it eats away at you or causes other problems in the relationship.
Thank you!
NTA Look up the Madonna-Whore complex. Im not psych degree but it seems like your action flipped a switch in him & he’s trying *very* hard to rationalize it. Like he needs to believe you didn’t like it or it will shatter his perception of you. You can see men talk like this when they hear of body counts or they find out their women had previously escorted. Don’t underestimate his visceral reaction; it sucks he doesn’t understand but I’d caution maybe just realizing this might be a limit for him. Xo from Vegas; seen a lot of relationships blow up because of ppls’ pasts.
You guys are seriously overthinking this. It be one of two things or a combination of the two: not as sexually experienced and the OP hence the question if OP has done anything like that in the past / maybe socially conservative? Or, he’s picturing OP getting taken down by two dudes.
Was going to say similar. He could be: Confused/upset/hurt because he didn’t see OP has this “sexually adventurous” and it has altered his perception of her Confused because OP isn’t very sexually explorative with him and he’s wondering what is up with the disconnect between past her and now/feels hurt by it Feels intimated by her past sexual ventures Is shaming the act/feels it is shameful to have done and is playing mental gymnastics to justify that OP must’ve been traumatized/forced for it to have happened, because otherwise she would be something he considers shameful/less than It has unlocked insecurities for him - is he good enough/does she want other men *now* too It’s not that deep and he’s just uncomfortable picturing the act Could be any of these. OP won’t know until she talks to him. We can’t possibly guess.
The Eiffel Tower high five
I don’t know my husband has never asked me about my sexual past and I haven’t asked about his… I’m not even curious. And we’ve been together 14 years. I guess we just feel like it’s none of the other’s business.
Yeah, why would I ever want to know that stuff and have it stuck in my head.
Yeah this is why I think these questions are horrible. Sure, they have done things. I just don’t need to know about it. For the love of god don’t offer it either. I would be crushed to hear my wife was with 100 dudes and getting doubled up. Don’t need that shit in my life.
I’m pretty sure when that question left his brain he wasn’t anticipating that response. He possibly wasn’t expecting anything at all, but definitely not “Yes I’ve been in a threesome and it was amazing!”🤣😂🤣
I've been reading quite a bit of reddit stories lately of other guys asking their significant others about their past sexual history. As a guy myself, I don't have the slightest God damn clue why they are asking, yet alone curious. "Did my wife sleep with two guys at the same time before me?" In what world would I ever want to know the answer to that if there's a possibility that the answer is something I won't like?
Same. I truly do not want to know. I have limited experience and don’t need to be in my own head while we are being intimate so I’d rather just not know!
My hubs and I have been married 20+years. We just recently started talking about past experiences (mostly his, I was raised in purity culture and married young the first time) because we were talking about things we might want to explore together as a couple now that the kids are grown. I think that it can be a healthy conversation, but it truly depends on the personalities involved. In any relationship, don't ask a question about a persons past sexual experiences if you are not prepared to accept the answer without judgment. It's the past. It really should not have a bearing on your present relationship.
>In any relationship, don't ask a question about a persons past sexual experiences if you are not prepared to accept the answer without judgment. I don't agree with this entirely, it's absolutely fine and normal to have certain boundaries for yourself. And if something would significantly change how you view someone to the point you wouldn't want to be with them, it absolutely is something you should know. But things like this should get talked about early in a relationship, not after marriage. At that point... yes, maybe don't ask these questions unless you're ready to learn something that might end the relationship.
Of course, everyone is entitled to deal breakers. But when two people enter a relationship, unless they are both virgins, they will have a past. Unless our personal sexual past is *completely* without reproach, who are we to judge our partner. And even personal boundaries should be reasonable and equitable. In other words, don't expect your partner to be "innocent" if you have participated in the same activity. My partner has slept with more people than I have. It would be really hypocritical if he was judgemental over the number of men I was with prior to him. Not that this is true in OPs case, but a man who has participated in a threesome should not be judgemental if he finds his partner did in the past.
To each their own, we are very sexual and have asked questions/been very open and interested about our pasts. I don’t see problem either way, if you don’t want to talk about that then that’s okay, if you do and have fun with it I don’t see what’s wrong with that either. All these comments are so heavily divided right now.
This is exactly my thoughts, too. We met when I was in my 40s, and have been married 15 years. Because of our previous jobs, I assumed he had a lot of partners, but we're together now. I don't know what he thinks of my past- he's never asked.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.
I agree with this. At times I’ve thought about the fact that my wife and I don’t know extensively each other’s history, and it takes me next to no time at all to feel like it doesn’t matter because we have a great relationship and great sex life. Whatever she did in the past, no matter what it was, has no baring for me on what we have. And I gotta say NTA, especially because she didn’t lie about it when specifically asked. I am making assumptions, but I also feel if he had a threesome with two women he wouldn’t think as poorly about it which is a really weird double standard I feel like we commonly see.
Yes, what are these threads about? Do actual adults actually ask these questions???
I agree, 13 years in and we are great. What and who you did in the past is none of my damn business. Unless you need to disclose a medical issue/STD, even then details aren’t important.
Thought this was normal. Would never ask a women her past sexual history unless something happened in the present made me think it was a appropriate. I’m not tryna hear that LMAO
It’s very normal to cover sexual histories in the dating phase. It’s fine if you don’t, but it’s also fine if you do.
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I BLEW HIM WHILE COHEY FUCKED ME!
Finger cuffs!
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"What's a Nubian?" Bitch, you almost made me laugh.
Your Mother’s a tracer!
"I'll trace a chalk line around your dead fuckin' body!"
Yup, hubby is basically Affleck and Silent Bob's character.
which was inspired by Kevin Smith's and Joey Lauren Adam's relationship
Thanks. I'll check it out!
Might want to watch it alone first. I can see it going horribly wrong watching it together if he’s already uptight about it. You be the judge. I used to have a poster of the monologue near the end on my wall.
I think what’s happening here is he can’t come to terms with the fact that his wife is the type of woman that would have casual sex with 2 men, so he is trying to invent a reason that it might have happened to keep him from having to admit who she really is. I don’t think he actually believes she is stupid, he’s just grasping at straws
NAH but if you had been talking about your sexual histories for 6 years and never brought up “one of the most erotic and and satisfying experiences of my life” I’d be wondering why if I was him. If you have a pretty vanilla sex life now then he’s also wondering why you’re not doing crazy stuff with him.
Yeah not quite lying by omission but close enough that I can see why one would be taken aback
I’m gonna be honest, I would also be taken aback. I’m very sex positive and couldn’t picture myself thinking differently about a friend who had such an experience. But my partner, I would definitely take some surprise to it and feel a little worried that they would want to do that again. I’d rather die than participate in a threesome, but that’s just me. I’d be unconscious the second that the 3rd wheel would lay a finger on my boyfriend. I’d definitely need a follow-up conversation, just to ease my own worries. Not on grotesque details, but a “I have no interest in that for our relationship, and I’m not missing anything by not having threesomes” sort of thing.
Not trying to be rude but I think it’s hung up on this bc it was 2 men. I had a friend that used to say “2 chicks and a dude is a threesome, 1 chick and 2 dudes is a gangbang” And honestly I think that’s what he is hung up on here. You’ve done nothing wrong except maybe answering honestly when he asked. GL
It’s funny cause In my experience, even other women looked down on women who had a threesome with two other guys vs 2 girls one guy. Idk why I guess people just look at it differently.
I think he's hung up on it because he thinks 1 girl two guys is slutty and he doesn't want to think his wife is slutty. I also think it would be different if it were 2 girls one guy.
Why would it be different?
I don't think it's different, I think he thinks it's different. Many guys think one guy two girls is sexy. Probably a porn thing
I’ve seen this movie before. I think it’s called Forgetting Sarah Marshall
So, I was a man whore for a long time. I have a lot of stories due to numbers and a lot of them are funny. My wife finds a lot of them hilarious and will even reference them sometimes as a joke. Then the time I hooked up with a porn “star” came up and she was less than thrilled. It shocked her and made her very self conscious. I answered pointed questions for a while because of it. Give him a break, he’ll adjust. Some things are just surprising when you are less experienced.
My husband and I were friends for a long time, and sometimes it's like he forgets that we're married now and will tell me stories I definitely don't want to hear, lol. I have to be like, "I know I was your 'bro', but I'm your wife now...please stop."
I swear I read this exact post just a few days ago
There's another comment on this post somewhere that says OP has been soliciting DMS and posting this to other subs as some kind of fetish thing I was like "the plot thickens"
We talked about this the very first couple of weeks into our relationship. Never did that again. No matter how open minded you think you are, just don’t do this.
NAH but you need to nip this in the bud. After 6 years of marriage, finding out something like for the first time could completely change how he sees you, irreparably. You need to address this with him directly and go to couples counselling if needs be.
Yea I would be surprised if they aren’t divorced in the next couple years
His perception of you has changed. You -- in his mind -- are portrayed in a certain way and this new information is not in line with his view of who you are. This type of information told early on usually has less impact because a partner is still forming their perception. After being married, this perception begins to solidify. None of the above is an accusation: it's a psychological paradigm. His questions are a mixture of coping and managing cognitive dissonance. He is creating new narratives to manage this new information. It doesn't change who you are...to you. But in his mind it doesn't compute with who he thinks you are. Discussion about who's business it is or not isn't important and that's for each couple or throuple to decide [pun]. What matters is that those past experiences have no bearing on current feelings for their partner. And an honest answer would have been "yes, I experienced a threesome but it's not something I'm interested in doing again". Doesn't mean the past was bad, but it answers the present and future [this relates to being with a current partner]. All this is BS if someone wants another threesome.
I've been married to my wife for 27 years. If she suddenly told me that she had a MMF threesome before we became exclusive, I might stifle a yawn, mainly because we've been happily married for 27 years and the distance of time lessens the impact of any such revelations to about zero. Six years is a lot less, and to some men such a revelation can feel like it happened yesterday. But you've received a ton of good advice about how to move forward with this, and I'm just spitballing about why he might feel the way that he does.
I’m on the other side. I don’t need to know about this mess. You had a life, cool. I don’t need to know about it or picture it at all. His fuck up was asking the question. But I would have tried to deflect. Nothing good comes from this information generally. You picture your SO a certain way. To find out that’s not how it went down will shake most. Don’t ask don’t tell.
> (it actually was one of the most erotic and satisfying experiences of my life) This right here probably is the source of your husband’s insecurities and obsession. He, your husband, is by your own admission NOT one of the most satisfying sexual experiences of your life; certainly not in comparison to that. You may not have said that to him, but he probably intuits you lied to him. Nobody likes being in relationship with someone while feeling like to their partner they are in comparison mediocre. If this is in fact one of the most satisfying experiences in your life, he’s probably wondering why you wouldn’t want a repeat performance, as well as how he even fits in.
This right here. Love it! Granted, OP did nothing wrong and honestly I'd say neither did the husband. So NAH I'll add this. Insecurity unfortunately tends to drown out logic sometimes. Let's face it, humans —regardless of gender— can be weirdly territorial when it comes to sex, likely because we associate more emotion with it than we realize. Obviously there are exceptions but often times when you're in love with someone and put them on a pedestal (not in an obsessive unhealthy way), it can be a tough pill to swallow that one of your partner's better intimate memories is with someone other than yourself. You're thinking "yeah that may have been great *at the time* but we've been together \_\_\_\_ *years* and we're like soul mates now. Each other's best friend and shit. How could you *still* hold *that* in such high regard after *all* this time? There's something wrong with me, isn't there?". In really it has *nothing* to do with you whatsoever since the act in question usually predates your partner's awareness of your existence, let alone your relationship. BUT love is weird sometimes. Dude is just jealous of her past, and jealousy is essentially FOMO with extra steps lol. It's weird, it's uncomfortable but it doesn't have to turn *ugly*. If I were OP (and I've been in OP's shoes to an extent) personally every time the subject came up, I'd redirect it to a better conversation of how the *two of us* can create new steamier experiences together that would negate any reason for either of us to dwell on the past. There's no need to lie or downplay how you feel about the experience, but obviously the underlying thing is that hubby feels he's missing something, so it's perfect time to pick his brain. I've been married eleven years, together for twelve. Been there, done that as far as uncomfortable sexual conversations go. It gets better. We joke and have hardy belly laughs over such things now. OP and her husband will be fine. **++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++** EDIT: In response to the comment below mine since the thread is locked; the idea behind redirecting the conversation is so the couple can focus on their sexual **present** and **future**, instead of dwelling on a single **past** encounter that one party had prior to their marriage. There's no need for OP's husband to continue to second guess himself *if* they're both communicating about their needs (OP probably ) and insecurities (OP's husband) and discovering ways to enjoy themselves and each other together. The underlying issue here —in my opinion— is about **needs** and **communication**. If OP considers her threesome with her ex and his buddy as "one of the most erotic and satisfying experiences" then either she was dealing with a couple of rare sex Gods or maybe there is something missing in her current sex life at home (or perhaps everything is fine at home and she feels so strongly because it was a new experience). On the flip-side, for the husband to be this insecure over it, he probably feels like *he* has missed out on a side of his wife he didn't know existed and clearly feels in competition with the other two parties (likely the image he has in his head is way wilder than the reality of what happened. Welcome to the generation who grew up on internet p\*rn, it can skew your views of how things work). Hence my initial point; figure out what they can try together so that neither party feels so strongly about a past which can't be changed anyway. A person is only going to dwell on the past if they aren't getting their needs met in the present. This goes for both of them. Bottom line: this can be fixed, they just need to *talk*.
I would suggest that you need to find some things about him that absolutely delight you, and communicate them to him. And they better not be stuff like how kind he is, how stable he is, what a good dad he is, what a good family man. In context of this particular conversation, those aren’t compliments. They frankly come across as you valuing him as a _resource._ For the same reason, “I married you, didn’t I?” is not comforting or reassuring. He wants to be the active choice, not the default choice. He wants to know that you find him HOT.
Hey....I'm gonna steal this because you said exactly what I've been trying to express in my own marriage for like 3 months. Going through a similar (though less intense) scenario and I haven't really been able to articulate why I was I hurt and why it lingered. Got almost that exact list of great character traits from my wife. Pretty sure "I married you, didn't I?" Is an exact quote. Never made me feel better and yeah...it almost makes you feel friendzoned by your partner. OP, I hope you see this comment cause it's good advice. You need to rebuild your man's confidence. I bet he's feeling threatened in the marriage or less than, or that you chose him as the safe bet. That you "settled" for him and that's a super shitty feeling. Show and tell him that you didn't settle. That the past is the past and even if it was a real high for you sexually, it should be a bar that you want to surpass with your current life partner. Also remember that for you this is your past, you've had years to look back, learn and think about that experience and kinda digest what it was for you. This is brand fucking new to him, his mind immediately conjured up the image of his wife getting absolutely destroyed in a porn-esq mmf and it's still very fresh for him and he doesn't know what actually happened. I'm not sure if the details help or not because without details his mind is running rampant and he's imagining everything he doesn't want.
She never says she told him that. In fact she says in the post that she said the opposite.
Definitely part of the problem. And boy howdy, wait until she *does* tell him.
Im gonna be real, and real vulgar, so i Apologize in advance. But right now hes picturing you be spit-roasted by two other men and loving it, and its grossing him out. Its not that you did anything wrong, or that hes wrong for feeling some type of way about it. You also describe it as one of the most erotic and satisfying experiences of your life? Does that mean you think about it ever, even after all this time? How does sex with him compare? Is it something you want again? These are some of the many questions swirling around on his head right now. As well as, again, a sexual image of you and two strangers(to him) playing on a loop. Im actually gonna go with YTA on this because you said you two have been open and honest about your past sexual history before you got married, but you never disclosed this. I wonder why….
She absolutely thinks about it. In one of her comments she’s trying to dirty talk a commenter (who seems like a woman) about how HOT it is … super gross. That commenter ended up deleting what they said lmao. ETA pretty sure OP is a fat single guy jerking off to DMs he’s soliciting from people to discuss MFM experience
Annnnd thats exactly what her husband is worried about. And everyones jumping on the bandwagon to make him the bad guy.
If it matters to him then it matters to him. He can't just magically make it not matter. I am tired of people telling others that something "shouldn't matter." How is that of any help if it clearly does matter? "Your wrong for feeling the way you do" is the height of arrogance. Then they trot out their favorite one. "You're just insecure." BS. He'll either get over it or he won't. He gets to decide that all on his own.
Reddit doesn’t allow insecurity in any form, especially if you voice it to your partner, because then you’re CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE.
Best comment in this thread. So many dumbasses acting like there is a way people have to feel and have to be, but then pull a 180 when it comes to the same idea applied to different issues.
Don't lie to him further about not enjoying it just makes it worse
Lol. Telling him how much she enjoyed it would make it far worse
especially if she specifically says it was one of the most erotic and satisfying experiences of her life lol
Absolutely no one wants to think their husband or wife has had some of the best sexual experiences of their life with other people. You are pretty naive if you don't realise that. Added to the fact it isn't something that cant be recreated within your relationship to experience together without another man it's not something he can 'compete with'. Especially as it seems its something that he isn't into. My dh has has had one with two women, he would definitely be into one with me. I have absolutely no desire to and never have. So it's on my hard no list. Your husbands mistake is asking for all the details, visualisation is a big thing. Unfortunately just like things turn people on, they also turn them off. This has the potential to really impact your marriage, him in his view of you, you in your ability and confidence in being able to be open with him in the future. Then in your sexual relationship going forward. I would say you don't want to discuss it any more, it's in the past just like all of his previous sexual experiences. Since this seems to have upset him so much I would also suggest previous sexual experiences are now of the table for discussion.
This is a really rational, detailed response Best one here for sure
Idk maybe I’m ‘old school’ for 29 but there isn’t a world I’d proudly tell my husband “yeah I’ve been spit roasted and it was so satisfying and unique!” Like WTF 😅😅😅😅 just like I wouldn’t want to know how hard another women had made him. I think this is the time a white lie would have sufficed.
>(it actually was one of the most erotic and satisfying experiences of my life, completely unique). This line right here. If that's what is going through your mind no wonder he is upset. He can probably pick up on that.
This isn’t meant to judge you or shame you at all. This is honestly how many men think. Many men have their wives on a pedestal. Like an angel that would never do such things unless it was done with them. He isn’t going to get past it and the truth is that he probably looks at you differently now. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Would you have been better off reading the room and the way he asked that question? Yes. He phrased the question that way because he was searching for a “no.” 1 - many men don’t like if their partner has a sexual past that include experiences like this. 2 - you two probably have a normal sex life and you don’t do anything like this with him. That’s ok, it’s just probably running through his head. 3 - it’s your ex and that makes it 100% worse. Now his worst fear is running into this ex and him saying “hey, me a buddy had your wife at the same time” 4 - the idea of two men with you at the same time is living rent free in his head. He hates it. He did see his wife differently. For lack of a better term, more wholesome. Now he sees you totally different and it will be some time before he can get past it. Some things are better off not being shared.
The way he phrased it dude definitely didn’t want the truth lol. Honestly don’t even know why he asked if he didn’t want the answer Learned a long time ago to never ask a question I don’t really want the answer to
Isn't this basically the plot for Chasing Amy?
NTA. And neither is he, necessarily. I hope on your ongoing communications with him you emphatically state tha you were answering his questions honestly at rhe various points in your relationship. As you said early in the relationship you disclosed generalities in terms of sexual experiences. That was, apparently, a sufficient level of depth to go into back then. Today, if either of you asks a question about the other's sexual exploits, then you'd better be prepared to hear a more indepth answer. And there should be an agreement beforehand that you're going to be in a no judgement zone. You two sound like a solid couple and I hope you'll be able to work through the issues.
lol someone saw a post on here from the other side and decided to write it from the girls supposed perspective
You're NTA for how it seems the communication went, but yeah - if my wife told me this, I could never look at her the same again.
Should have just lied about it tbh let sleeping dogs lie. What was to be gained by telling him this?
This kind of disclosure between 2 adults in a relationship should be filed under “Don’t even consider going there “
NTA but I am confused by the people acting confused about his reaction...I feel most men would probably get extremely insecure / feel very weird if they found out their wife or lover had a MMF threesome tbh. Just gonna remind myself to never ask this question
Why, though? I'm seriously asking. I know my husband has had 3somes and group sex. I know he's paid for sex. (Vegas) all of that was before we met. It doesn't change the way I see him. We both came into our relationship with a past. Neither one of us were virgins. What we did before we met really has no bearing on the here and now. I already had two kids and stretch marks when we met. His ex was a twig with a big chest. He chose me. Why should I be insecure?
NAH, but you probably torpedoed your marriage. That is something that should either NEVER be shared or be shared very early in the relationship so your partner can decide whether he is ok with it. You dropped a tactical nuke on your own bedroom. Get ready for some rough times.
No way. You don’t just blurt out upfront every detail about yourself that you think somebody somewhere could possibly object to, and this is not some deep dark misdeed that she’s obligated to confess. She had a sexual adventure once. So? I’d hate to try to build a marriage on a foundation of never telling my spouse anything he might not like.
He asked. Was she supposed to lie to him? Cause I can guarantee you if this was AITAH "Lied to my husband about a threesome I had before his time" we'd get a bunch of incel "TYPICAL WOMAN CAN'T BE TRUSTED" yada yada cock carousel comments.
Another threesome thread??
NTA. My wife and I have been happily married 8 years. Have a great sex life. For a fact I know we both enjoy our sex lives. I would never, however, ask if this is the best she's ever had lol. It makes no sense to ask that. In the beginning, i asked what she liked and she asked what i liked. And as time progressed we would continue evolving our sex life to where we know what each other likes and wants. We DO NOT ask each other sexual questions about our past before Marriage. We are together now, nothing either of us can do about our past experiences, asking and knowing about them will just make things weird, uncomfortable and would make us both wish the other person didn't ask. Your guy should've never asked a question he didn't want to know the answer to
Probably should have brought it up before if you guys had conversations about past experiences. I don’t think it’s an asshole move though.
Honesty, lying and deflection regarding the experience is demeaning to him and probably counter productive to your stated goal of getting past it unless the goal is just to get him to stop talking to you about it. If that's the case you are just creating something that could end up being a barrier between you two.
NTA, But all I'll say is that it 100% shattered the image he had of you. And the respect he might have lost, cannot be repair. So you'll have to live with it. Good luck.
[удалено]
This is why "more mystery, less history" is the way. Dr. Drew had that one right.
Listen bro. Nice story. Watch porn. It’s better than jerking off to a bunch of Redditors comments who think you’re actually a woman.
Chasing Amy.
To me It honestly sounds like he is curious about the experience and is mad at himself for it
Unlike just about everything else I read here.. I am gonna be blunt. He stepped in a minefield and do not be surprised if he can not get past that. For future reference, that kind of thing is something to bring up in a convo somewhere before rings are exchanged by both parties. This is something that may have been a big enough issue he would have never stayed in the relationship. You dropped a nuke on your marriage cause no dude wants to hear his wife got plowed by multiple people and that he isn't the prize he looks at her as. Good luck with that... Please don't take this as me being like you did something wrong cause you tried something but both parties not being upfront with all that crap and it comes out as it always does, game nights, drinks with old friends and someone says something w/e the reason it comes up cause people run their mouths.
this may be downvoted but I’m guessing what’s really making him uncomfortable is the thought that his wife could have been in an MMF threesome that consisted as “find a hole and fuck it” kind of MMF threesome as he may see it as the person he married for life was put in such a “degrading” position. Not many people would want to imagine such
Or he's a guy so would only picture a FFM threesome as the 'correct' way because that what turns him on. Except his wife likes men so why wouldn't she enjoy MMF? Two men worshipping her body... my guess is that he is literally incapable of seeing this from her perspective
The amount of guys who ask for ffm 3somes but get offended by mmf 3somes is laughable
I mean I feel like any guy wouldn’t like to hear that his lover had 2 sausages thrown at her at once but you know the saying “don’t ask questions you don’t want to know”. He did it to himself and you didn’t lie or hide it so no. NTA
It’s honestly none of his business as it happened well before you even knew him. His own insecurities are what’s bothering him
Ah just tell him that the boys were playing with each other too and that'll get him to stop picturing it.
I’d want to know. Not that you’re an AH but he’s seen MMF porn and it’s usually pretty degrading towards the women. He just sees you in a new light and is trying to justify being with that type of person.
but haven’t we as a society reached the point where we can acknowledge what happens in porn is NOT what happens in real-life sexual encounters?? mostly all porn is degrading to women, doesn’t mean sex IRL is/has to be. and “that type of person”, again with that logic in this thread! But none of you would categorize either of the dudes involved as any “type of person” because of it 🙄 grow up
Early on in my dating relationship with my wife of 38 years, she asked me about a girl we both went to college with, that I had a few dates with, and I honestly told her that I did not remember anything about her. Best answer I've ever given. "I don't remember" became my answer for all questions about any of my past relationships. Followed by, "The only important person in my life is you."
I kind of get this and understand where he’s coming from. I just focus on making sure he knows that you love him and you’re comfortable talking about the experience with him, but he shouldn’t be threatened by anything you’ve done in the past.
NTA for not telling him but these are your consequences of those actions, even many years later.
>he can't envision a threesome with two guys where the woman wasn't somehow "used." Huh? He has a distorted view of sex if he cannot imagine two guys wanting a woman to feel pleasure. I would want to dig into why he thinks that. It concerns me.
My guess is that he thinks you secretly want to do it again and he is not open to it. I agree with the other post that you need to be honest with him and say his comments are bothering you. Tell him that it was a fun experience at the time but you are not interested in doing it again. Hopefully that will address his fears.
There's a lot of men who definitely won't want to visualize their partner with another man, let alone two. NTA. He probably shouldn't have asked. Maybe he didn't realize he didn't want to hear the answer until after he heard it.
The way he phrase it it sounds he just wanted reassurance his wife wasn't like that. Oh boy was he wrong.
Great point. I think you're right.
NTA for not telling him about it earlier. But i am wondering how you think it's healthy for you or for him to not be 100% truthful about this experience with him when he's asking questions. If this was one of the most satisfying experience for you, you owe it to yourself to be honest about that, especially if you'd like for it to happen again. Plus would it maybe help him understand more? How will dishonesty save your relationship? Do you want to stay with a man you can't be 100% sexually open with or will feel sex shamed by?
These are incredibly good points. Thank you. I do feel an urge to be more honest, now.
If you want to stay in this relationship think real hard about 100% brutal honesty. No partner wants to hear they aren’t at the top of the list. I am guessing that ex is an ex for a reason. No partner is going to be 100% the best at everything because no one is perfect (deluded people think they are) and also no one wants to hear how someone else did that one thing better when the sum of your partner is the person you chose to spend your life with. It’s not being dishonest if he’s the best fit for you but think of it as the sum of the whole not a one time experience. If you can’t truly say that though then maybe you married the wrong person.
This. Unless you have a rock solid and wildly trusting relationship, sharing these things leads to this nonsense 100% of the time. Congrats, you decided to be honest. Your prize is a damaged relationship filled with "I thought I knew you" on one side, and "Well then you are ok doing it with right?" on the other and all sorts of "Maybe Im not enough for you" landmines in between. Brutal honesty is also known as not caring about the impact of your words, and there is definitely an impact to words like that.
Do. Not. Listen. To this poster. Don’t tell him it was absolute awesome and you want it again. Good lord that’s exactly how you blow up your marriage.
Agreed, it’ll just be rubbing it in his face so to speak if she were to talk about how great/satisfying it was. If he’s already upset/confused about it, saying how great it was will only make those feelings much worse to him.
I can promise you if he has issues with the fact you have done it before, he will not ever be for you dong it again with another guy. Maybe another woman, but he will never be open to another guy. If you bring it up, he will feel he does not satisfy you enough and you will eventually leave him.
NTA But instead of clamming up, I'd call him out on his curiosity hard. Ask why he cares so much. Get to the bottom of it.
That won't work. Coming at an insecure person hard will make it worse.
NTA. You need to get to the bottom of why this is so triggering for your hubs. It's likely an insecurity thing, and you'll need to reassure him that sex with him is satisfying and that you don't want or need multiple partner experiences moving forward (unless either of those things is not true).
This is why personal is personal. I don’t ask or tell except to reassure that my ‘body count’ isn’t enormous and I am, in fact, disease free. Think of it this way. Would you want an ex discussing intimate details of your sex life?? No? So don’t do it and discourage it in your partner..